1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,833 - Hmm... 4 00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:37,250 ...ehm. 5 00:01:37,791 --> 00:01:42,916 My entrance into this space was a little surprising. 6 00:01:43,041 --> 00:01:47,250 As I entered as it were, through the dungeon, 7 00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:52,166 or the sadomasochistic part of my sexuality and BDSM culture. 8 00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:57,416 But something changed inside me by being so completely broken down 9 00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,166 by the power dynamic of a romantic relationship, 10 00:02:00,291 --> 00:02:05,333 and I think that wound opened something up that I still don't understand. 11 00:02:10,625 --> 00:02:13,083 I could tell it simply, 12 00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:16,125 I had no cheeks left to turn. 13 00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:21,083 But then there was passion. 14 00:02:21,125 --> 00:02:24,333 - Liz could you blindfold Maja? 15 00:02:25,166 --> 00:02:30,041 It would still take me years to realise that it wasn’t for you. 16 00:02:30,125 --> 00:02:35,500 That I myself, and my longings trapped me in your violence. 17 00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:39,000 Don’t worry. 18 00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:46,291 I am not about to thank you for the scars that make me who I am now, 19 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:51,291 for cracking me in places where light would later leak in. 20 00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:56,291 Only you still have to live with yourself. 21 00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,333 Perhaps one day, 22 00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:01,333 you will forgive me. 23 00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:58,166 Mary? 24 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,916 I would like to talk to you about longing. 25 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,166 - About longing? 26 00:04:05,791 --> 00:04:09,083 We have talked about that a lot. 27 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:14,416 I guess what I feel is that we come into this world with longing. 28 00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:20,458 It's a paradox, all the great truths are paradoxes, 29 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:25,125 that we are both sent out to the world and with a longing back. 30 00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:29,833 We have a mission on this earth but we always have within us a longing. 31 00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:32,291 And what we discover, and I think that is why you 32 00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:35,083 went in to your whole spiritual journey, 33 00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:41,041 is that there is nothing on this earth, that satisfies that longing. 34 00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:44,000 - What is that longing or that hunger? 35 00:04:44,041 --> 00:04:50,041 - Yes, it’s a hunger. And I usually say when we have a communion service, 36 00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:53,333 that the hunger in you is the hunger in me. 37 00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:05,458 Your fundamental dimension is the same as mine, 38 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:09,083 that every human being has a longing for wholeness. 39 00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:10,500 God is wholeness. 40 00:05:10,791 --> 00:05:16,000 So we of course mirror that longing for wholeness to be back home again. 41 00:05:16,041 --> 00:05:19,375 And there is the paradox. We long to be back home 42 00:05:19,458 --> 00:05:21,875 but at the same time we are being sent out. 43 00:05:21,958 --> 00:05:27,958 So it’s to walk that balance line in life. 44 00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:15,250 - There is something about the sound of a padlock clicking, 45 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:23,166 that makes me feel like I'm losing power and control. 46 00:06:26,416 --> 00:06:33,166 It almost feels like my pulse is slowing down. For me it's almost as if... uh. 47 00:06:33,208 --> 00:06:39,875 It's a little bit like landing. I don't know what to compare it to. 48 00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:50,083 But through the pain, I want to get closer to what I call a black hole. 49 00:06:50,166 --> 00:07:02,833 And to feel secure enough with Master, to allow myself to turn around 50 00:07:02,875 --> 00:07:06,875 and just let myself fall. 51 00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:35,166 I escaped it all, with you. 52 00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:38,000 My place of Holy. 53 00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:42,500 I could live for your pleasure alone. 54 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:48,208 My own liberation project, right there on the tip of my tongue. 55 00:07:53,291 --> 00:07:59,041 Maybe I was longing for a child, and you were longing for a mother? 56 00:07:59,916 --> 00:08:02,458 We should have known this would be violent. 57 00:08:04,791 --> 00:08:08,208 We did know, but knowing has little to do with it. 58 00:08:14,083 --> 00:08:17,791 I know you lie, but I believe you. 59 00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:23,750 Believe that you don’t want to control me, just yourself. 60 00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:32,000 I just happen to be a part of you now. 61 00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:44,083 You hurt me from the wounds of your ancient past, 62 00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:47,500 which never got the chance to heal, 63 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,083 so of course I forgive you. 64 00:08:51,875 --> 00:08:55,125 You never asked to carry that pain. 65 00:09:03,791 --> 00:09:06,375 They say truth is subjective, 66 00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:10,500 that there are many true sides to every story. 67 00:09:11,916 --> 00:09:16,208 So why shouldn’t I believe only in yours? 68 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:20,333 Because if there is a true story 69 00:09:20,416 --> 00:09:24,041 in which my boundaries were respected, 70 00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:27,250 my consent required, 71 00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:33,833 where I was never slapped in the face, never shamed or put down, 72 00:09:33,916 --> 00:09:39,916 never exposed to psychological violence in order to submit to someone else’s fear. 73 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,458 Where there are things you just don’t do to people you love. 74 00:09:47,875 --> 00:09:51,500 Then I want that so badly to be my story. 75 00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:56,500 I’ll happily abandon my own truth to believe in it. 76 00:10:00,875 --> 00:10:04,458 We teach ourselves to think before we act. 77 00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,500 What a violent idea. 78 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:22,000 - I have been engaged to my fiancé Daniel since forever. 79 00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:33,041 He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my rock, my angel, my... 80 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:43,375 ...he is everything to me. I can't imagine who I'd be without him. 81 00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:52,416 I wouldn't say I am dependent on him, but actually, that is exactly what I am. 82 00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:58,875 I would feel completely amputated without Daniel. 83 00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:04,333 It's weird even talking about it as a possibility. Oops, as you can see, 84 00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:08,791 it makes me shaky just speaking about it. 85 00:11:08,916 --> 00:11:14,833 This autumn we will have been together for ten years. 86 00:11:14,958 --> 00:11:18,458 We have been engaged for half of that time. 87 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:22,125 We live together in Stockholm. 88 00:11:22,166 --> 00:11:28,500 He travels a lot through work and I also travel a lot as a freelancer. 89 00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:32,875 I'm a performer, dancer, singer and actor. 90 00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:39,333 In addition to that, for two years now I have been, 91 00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:48,041 contracted as a slave to my Master, Master Vince. 92 00:12:01,916 --> 00:12:06,500 - I was a workaholic for ten years and my job was quite cruel. 93 00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:10,083 I took over teams that didn't work, and made sure that they worked. 94 00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:12,500 They had a lot of overtime, so I cut down on overtime. 95 00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:20,875 I automatised stuff and I offshored, and I fired approximately 250 people, personally. 96 00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:28,333 I took the job because I thought somebody has to do it and I am kind of a nice guy, 97 00:12:28,375 --> 00:12:30,250 I thought... 98 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:37,166 But then it started to become something else, and I became cruel and I didn't recognise myself. 99 00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:46,208 There is a lot of office politricks, and a lot of domination and stuff in the bank. 100 00:12:46,416 --> 00:12:49,250 More than people know of. 101 00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:53,500 And when I quit I understood that I had a need to control. 102 00:12:53,791 --> 00:12:59,333 So when I lost that I understood it was sexual. 103 00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:04,791 But that scared me, because then it means I have to accept who I am. 104 00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:09,333 And that means I am one of those, you know, that you've heard about in life. 105 00:13:09,375 --> 00:13:14,500 These weirdos, these sadists. These guys into SM play and... 106 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:19,000 into all this 'role play', which for me was never a role play. 107 00:13:19,041 --> 00:13:23,083 For me it was real, and I felt the need for it. 108 00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:33,916 - When I met Daniel ten years ago, I was only nineteen and only looking for security. 109 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,791 And that was exactly what Daniel gave me. 110 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:47,458 But sexuality changes over time, especially when you are nineteen. 111 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:52,166 I realised pretty soon that I was far from finished. 112 00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:14,500 - To start from the beginning, everything that was strange was beyond my limits. 113 00:14:14,791 --> 00:14:24,166 But then I recall Micke saying that he was curious about a place called SLM in Stockholm. 114 00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:29,500 He wanted to check it out, and that is how it all started, I think. 115 00:14:29,791 --> 00:14:37,333 So we went there to see what it was all about, and he became more interested in it than me. 116 00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:45,000 But we went there a few times and tried things out together in the beginning. 117 00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:50,166 It was a slow process you could say. 118 00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:58,500 - Come here. 119 00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:00,833 Come here. 120 00:15:11,291 --> 00:15:14,083 I’m on my knees now. 121 00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:18,166 I beg you to give me a box. 122 00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:23,291 It can be as small as your ability to feel safe. 123 00:15:23,375 --> 00:15:25,500 I will learn. 124 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,416 To double up and squeeze it all in. 125 00:15:30,166 --> 00:15:34,916 To breathe short breaths until the air runs out. 126 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,375 For you. 127 00:15:42,166 --> 00:15:50,166 A moment's breath away from this life, where Love is God and you are my whole congregation. 128 00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:52,250 Where sex is our church, 129 00:15:52,291 --> 00:15:58,000 and you as the head of all my holy places, are judging my heavens. 130 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:02,500 I wish you could put me on a leash. 131 00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:07,500 It can be as short as the distance between your fear and my desire. 132 00:16:09,791 --> 00:16:13,166 I can walk that line freely. 133 00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:18,958 As you control my every step only at the end of that rope. 134 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:23,166 I want you to cause me pain. 135 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:28,166 A pain I can bear, leaving scars I can heal. 136 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,500 A rest on this cross, 137 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:37,000 as here it’s my right to say stop. 138 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:46,958 If you could only give me a box. As narrow as your mind, 139 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:51,166 as closed as my heart, as locked as this marriage, 140 00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:56,083 that’s ok. I died for you already. 141 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,500 But inside of it, 142 00:16:58,791 --> 00:17:01,333 I want to be absolutely... 143 00:17:02,916 --> 00:17:05,500 ...free. 144 00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:15,000 - In terms of pain... when you are in a romantic relationship, 145 00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:20,000 I found it hard and felt a clear limit, here, but no further. 146 00:17:20,041 --> 00:17:27,916 Because then I would feel bad from hurting someone, especially Micke, 147 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,916 so I had to stop there. 148 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:41,083 - Without submission, pain is rather meaningless to me. 149 00:17:41,166 --> 00:17:52,750 I need a power shift in a psychological sense, which I had no interest experiencing with Daniel. 150 00:17:52,833 --> 00:18:01,083 We had a good, and still have a very good relationship, without any power shift. 151 00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:05,333 Daniel is not naturally dominant in that sense. 152 00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:14,416 We hit the wall and were forced to realise that nobody can be everything. 153 00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,458 - To have sex and only sex with someone, that's one thing. 154 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:25,750 But this is about so much more in addition to that. 155 00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:30,875 Like many others, I used to think sex belonged within the relationship. 156 00:18:30,958 --> 00:18:34,291 But I have changed my opinion on that. 157 00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:38,833 And having had a glimpse of that world, I could see that it is only a small part, 158 00:18:38,875 --> 00:18:44,750 there is so much more they are seeking, 159 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,458 that I have no interest in. 160 00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:03,291 - Thank you Sir. 161 00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:34,750 I’m in a church when it happens, 162 00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:40,500 faking my right to take part in Holy Communion. 163 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:48,000 They say everyone is welcome. 164 00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:57,875 I am just playing a game but something breaks. 165 00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:05,291 My truth, or yours if you like, eludes me. 166 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:17,250 Shifts to somewhere so deep inside or far beyond, I don’t even try to understand it. 167 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:22,125 Since I’m playing, I call it God. 168 00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:40,125 For a moment I can feel my feelings, I am full of pain and for the first time in years I cry. 169 00:20:44,291 --> 00:20:49,500 Limited by this game, I don’t have to face me, all at once. 170 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:55,875 Without it, I have not been able to face myself at all. 171 00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:03,791 Is there space for someone like me in this religion? 172 00:21:07,791 --> 00:21:11,416 Take me to the water. 173 00:21:20,291 --> 00:21:25,791 - It became clear to me, what a great human being Daniel is. 174 00:21:26,750 --> 00:21:32,041 I sometimes felt that he sacrificed parts of himself for my sake. 175 00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:37,375 As I said before, we realised that one person can't be everything. 176 00:21:37,458 --> 00:21:43,000 But when Daniel accepted Master, it felt like he could actually be everything. 177 00:21:43,041 --> 00:21:51,208 Because whatever he couldn't do himself, he made sure someone else could. 178 00:21:51,791 --> 00:21:59,333 He took responsibility for me getting what I needed, afterall. 179 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:18,458 At first glance I see violence. 180 00:22:20,083 --> 00:22:27,458 I give you all the benefits of my doubts, to imagine the transcendent glory you talk about. 181 00:22:28,291 --> 00:22:31,416 Would you do the same for me? 182 00:22:34,416 --> 00:22:40,750 What I see as good, looks like your picture of evil. 183 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:47,416 Indeed, one could argue I’m a son of the Devil, and who am I to know the difference? 184 00:22:48,291 --> 00:22:55,166 I do know that your acts of 'kindness' have deeply wounded the likes of me. 185 00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:06,333 Hate the sin not the sinner, love the sinner but deny them their human rights. 186 00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:14,333 Pray the gay away. Genesis as the creation myth for patriarchy. 187 00:23:15,791 --> 00:23:20,166 A new world about the power of one master, one man. 188 00:23:21,041 --> 00:23:25,916 An excuse to oppress women, to rape and plunder. 189 00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:30,916 Why should I even touch it with gloved hands? 190 00:23:42,208 --> 00:23:43,916 - She's with this crowd of people 191 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,500 and she hears that this man Jesus is there. 192 00:23:46,791 --> 00:23:50,000 And she touches the hem of his garment, 193 00:23:50,041 --> 00:23:51,791 and Jesus says to her, 194 00:23:51,833 --> 00:23:54,500 'Your faith is great.' 195 00:23:54,791 --> 00:23:58,250 Did her faith consist of any dogma? 196 00:23:58,333 --> 00:24:03,208 Had she read any Jewish scripture? 197 00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:04,416 Of course not! 198 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:06,083 What does she come with? 199 00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,166 Her vulnerability. 200 00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:12,000 Her absolute utter powerlessness. 201 00:24:12,041 --> 00:24:15,916 And Jesus calls her powerlessness for what? 202 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,000 Faith! 203 00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:21,500 It is the basis of faith. 204 00:24:22,166 --> 00:24:29,375 God enters through the cracks of our lives. God enters at the wound. 205 00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:36,166 To be a human being like you and me and the rest of us, 206 00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:39,250 that is to be continually limited. 207 00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:45,833 To be a human being is never to feel completely, 'Now I've got it.' 208 00:24:45,875 --> 00:24:48,375 No, we are all limited human beings. 209 00:24:48,458 --> 00:24:53,083 In time, we are all going to die, and also in clarity. 210 00:24:53,166 --> 00:25:00,375 What we get on this earth are glimpses of what the church calls grace. 211 00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:04,500 Of a love that enfolds us, glimpses of it. 212 00:25:13,916 --> 00:25:18,000 'Speak from your scars not your wounds, ' they say. 213 00:25:19,333 --> 00:25:23,750 So for years, I've kept quiet. 214 00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:38,333 'You can’t change your mind, but your mind can be changed by experience.' 215 00:25:38,416 --> 00:25:41,458 'You don’t change unless it hurts.' 216 00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:45,166 Bring on the pain! 217 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,458 'Ask and you shall receive.' 218 00:25:49,958 --> 00:25:53,791 Be careful what you ask for. 219 00:26:19,291 --> 00:26:23,166 My own brain blinding me with pain. 220 00:26:24,333 --> 00:26:27,041 My body shuts down. 221 00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:42,291 Days and days torn into sharp colours. 222 00:26:43,208 --> 00:26:47,291 Into this mess of thoughts and dreams I roll in and out of. 223 00:26:48,791 --> 00:26:51,875 In and out of hospital. 224 00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:54,375 My flesh falls off me. 225 00:26:54,458 --> 00:26:56,208 No eyes. 226 00:26:56,291 --> 00:27:01,791 Not to be stimulated but throwing up from over stimulation. 227 00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:11,291 Forgotten pasts floating to the surface as real as the pain behind my eyes. 228 00:27:12,250 --> 00:27:15,041 Stitch an angel on my back! 229 00:27:15,125 --> 00:27:21,166 My dreams are stories I don’t understand but somehow understood by. 230 00:27:23,458 --> 00:27:26,875 I hear myself whisper in my sleep, 231 00:27:26,958 --> 00:27:31,958 'Trust the blue at night' may your voice only be fairytales, 232 00:27:32,833 --> 00:27:35,041 it tells me. 233 00:27:38,875 --> 00:27:43,166 They scan my brain and put needles in my spine. 234 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,208 I need you to hold my hand in the dark. 235 00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:50,500 But your hands are so full of your own fear, 236 00:27:50,791 --> 00:27:55,291 the only way you can hold me now, is to hold me down. 237 00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:00,916 I pass the point where I can’t take it anymore, 238 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:05,125 but I am no longer afraid. 239 00:28:06,166 --> 00:28:11,041 Or perhaps I'm afraid enough to leave you. 240 00:28:12,458 --> 00:28:15,000 My body was my limit. 241 00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:18,916 You could say, I've ran out of cheeks. 242 00:28:30,958 --> 00:28:33,416 - So we woun’t have so much time to talk. 243 00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:38,208 We are all here to make this ritual for Maja. 244 00:28:38,291 --> 00:28:47,041 But since you are all here, I also wanted to tell you about a new film idea I have. 245 00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:52,458 Practicing BDSM is a way to build up a room. 246 00:28:52,500 --> 00:29:00,208 Where you know what will happen, what the boundaries are and you can let go. 247 00:29:00,291 --> 00:29:09,166 Somehow working and making films is similar to creating this room. 248 00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:20,333 When I gather my actors we talk about exactly what we will do 249 00:29:20,416 --> 00:29:23,333 and where our limits are. 250 00:29:23,375 --> 00:29:28,166 And it helps us to come super close somehow. 251 00:29:29,250 --> 00:29:31,375 Maja can you come? 252 00:29:31,458 --> 00:29:34,125 - Now, already? 253 00:29:34,166 --> 00:29:37,500 - Yes, we want to bring you in now! 254 00:29:37,791 --> 00:29:43,833 - To talk by the table? - Yes, maybe we could... 255 00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:46,875 You can have a seat. 256 00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:50,750 - All right! 257 00:29:50,833 --> 00:29:54,500 My main thing is that I want to change my position. 258 00:29:54,791 --> 00:29:59,041 And it's not just my position relating to what you were talking about in your film, 259 00:29:59,125 --> 00:30:04,208 not just the position within BDSM, but my position in life. 260 00:30:04,291 --> 00:30:07,291 I want a shift. I need a shift! 261 00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:09,458 - From what to what? 262 00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:15,250 - From having been very dominated. It's a reclaiming of myself. 263 00:30:15,333 --> 00:30:22,083 And in terms of BDSM I want to go from a submissive to a dominant position. 264 00:30:23,500 --> 00:30:28,458 - How much experience do you have as a submissive? - Not very much experience. 265 00:30:28,500 --> 00:30:36,208 A little bit. I came to BDSM about a year ago, but I have taken it very very slowly. 266 00:30:37,875 --> 00:30:38,916 - Okay. 267 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:43,000 Is there anything that we should know that is a hard limit for you? 268 00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:46,083 - Yes, there are a lot of hard limits. 269 00:30:46,166 --> 00:30:52,166 I don't want us to draw blood. I have given permission to Liz to scratch my skin. 270 00:30:52,250 --> 00:30:57,500 And we have talked about the flogging, we took away the cane. 271 00:30:57,750 --> 00:31:01,916 I don’t want to be actively psychologically humiliated. 272 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:09,500 I said yes to the collar, and to be on my knees and to walk on my knees. 273 00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:14,750 But I don't want to be spoken down to. - Yeah okay. 274 00:31:15,375 --> 00:31:19,250 Anything else physical? Places not to touch? 275 00:31:19,333 --> 00:31:22,416 - Yeah my feet. - Ah? Okay! 276 00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:27,791 - And no face slapping, right? - And no face slapping! 277 00:31:54,291 --> 00:31:58,125 Don’t die now. Die on a high! 278 00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:03,750 When you have lost your mind you still have your body to rely on. 279 00:32:03,916 --> 00:32:09,041 - This is a ritual, that you have asked for 280 00:32:09,166 --> 00:32:14,500 so everything we do is an extension of your desire for yourself. 281 00:32:14,750 --> 00:32:20,333 This is a gift from us to you, but also from you to yourself. 282 00:32:21,375 --> 00:32:25,416 We will use the stop light green, yellow, red. 283 00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:28,500 And 'red' we'll stop immediately. 284 00:32:28,791 --> 00:32:36,166 Remember that this is what you asked for and we're here because this is what you want. 285 00:32:37,916 --> 00:32:40,958 Do you agree? - Yes. 286 00:32:47,375 --> 00:32:51,916 - Don’t speak about God as a noun, a person, a place or a thing. 287 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,000 God is always a verb. 288 00:32:56,375 --> 00:32:58,208 And when we are longning, 289 00:32:58,291 --> 00:33:01,500 participating in inspiration and being together. 290 00:33:01,750 --> 00:33:05,000 We sense that this is holy ground. 291 00:33:05,791 --> 00:33:07,833 The sense of holy ground. 292 00:33:12,291 --> 00:33:13,958 - Breath! 293 00:33:59,291 --> 00:34:02,166 Children playing. 294 00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:06,458 And they develop some kind of rituals. 295 00:34:08,041 --> 00:34:11,958 ‘Let's make dinner’ okay? 296 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:17,083 And then they make dinner out of their sand, and they are learning how to live. 297 00:34:18,875 --> 00:34:24,208 They know that it's play. They know it's ritual. 298 00:34:25,500 --> 00:34:27,208 - Open! 299 00:34:28,125 --> 00:34:34,208 - I would like to have the same perspective on the Christian rituals. 300 00:34:34,333 --> 00:34:36,958 - Try to keep them open. 301 00:34:38,333 --> 00:34:44,458 - I don't really believe that it's Jesus' blood and his body like a goddamn cannibal. 302 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:49,458 But there is value in this metaphor. 303 00:34:51,250 --> 00:34:54,791 To live really is to play. 304 00:35:08,833 --> 00:35:12,500 - Make a wish for this year. 305 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:18,416 - The work I am doing is creating a community for me. 306 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:23,458 It’s a way for me to create some kind of family. 307 00:35:25,333 --> 00:35:29,291 It’s a way for me to create... 308 00:35:29,333 --> 00:35:32,500 ...to not be so lonely actually. It is. 309 00:35:33,791 --> 00:35:35,875 That I would have been if I didn't make films, 310 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:40,000 Because in my everyday life I have to protect myself so much. 311 00:35:42,833 --> 00:35:45,375 - Keys, mobile... 312 00:35:45,458 --> 00:35:48,208 ...wallet. 313 00:35:54,916 --> 00:35:58,500 - Where do you want it to put it's bag Sir? 314 00:35:58,791 --> 00:36:01,208 - Right there. 315 00:36:07,375 --> 00:36:12,958 - In a relationship of slave and master. 316 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:18,166 There can be something good in that, if you learn that by God, nobody is a master 317 00:36:18,250 --> 00:36:21,375 and no one is a slave. We are playing these parts 318 00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:26,291 because there is something going on here, which I would call God. 319 00:36:27,333 --> 00:36:30,958 You wouldn't be doing the things you are doing, if you didn’t have 320 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,833 an enormous hunger for truth and peace. 321 00:36:34,875 --> 00:36:41,458 And that movement, that occurrence, is God in you. 322 00:36:45,875 --> 00:36:50,500 - The first sessions were amazing. Feeling the adrenaline rush. 323 00:36:51,333 --> 00:36:54,375 Feeling like the king of the world. 324 00:36:54,458 --> 00:37:01,458 Feeling dominant and powerful without the guilt, without the shame. 325 00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:05,750 Me knowing that he consents to this. 326 00:37:06,166 --> 00:37:09,833 That this is pure, and that he enjoys this as well. 327 00:37:09,916 --> 00:37:13,833 And that he wants to do this with me. 328 00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:18,791 Before I started with BDSM, I didn’t know the boundaries, 329 00:37:18,833 --> 00:37:20,333 so it was all about guilt. 330 00:37:20,375 --> 00:37:26,333 I wanted to do this, so I did it, and then I felt guilty afterwards. 331 00:37:26,375 --> 00:37:30,500 I was ashamed of myself. Who am I? So on and so forth. 332 00:37:30,750 --> 00:37:35,750 But here, my submissive, my slave, sets all the boundaries. 333 00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:39,416 And when I knew where the boundaries were, that was freedom, maximum freedom. 334 00:37:39,500 --> 00:37:43,375 Because then I know my play area. 335 00:37:43,458 --> 00:37:46,916 I know what’s mine. What I control. 336 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,750 And what I am not allowed to control. 337 00:37:55,916 --> 00:38:04,500 - How to be a beginner dominant? - But do you know what you like? 338 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,041 Why do you want to do this? 339 00:38:08,958 --> 00:38:10,833 - Ahem... 340 00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:18,208 The little bits of practice that I've had, has released something in me 341 00:38:18,291 --> 00:38:22,833 that I want to understand. And a space where I want to be. 342 00:38:22,875 --> 00:38:25,000 I want to come back there. 343 00:39:23,875 --> 00:39:28,291 You find people's light by stepping into their dark. 344 00:39:28,333 --> 00:39:33,791 I guess I had enough wounds and cracks for you to enter without force. 345 00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:42,375 I thought I was safe, inviting you to such a clearly limited part of me. 346 00:39:44,166 --> 00:39:46,250 Step into my darkness, 347 00:39:46,458 --> 00:39:48,333 come into my light. 348 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:05,375 I want to put you in a box. 349 00:40:06,333 --> 00:40:13,166 It will be small enough for you to feel safe with walls you have built. 350 00:40:13,208 --> 00:40:17,208 Containing desires you wish to explore. 351 00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:25,166 Where you breathe at my mercy and I can protect you from, everyone else. 352 00:40:30,125 --> 00:40:34,291 - I want you to put me in a box. 353 00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:41,000 Small enough for me to feel safe, with walls I have built. 354 00:40:41,083 --> 00:40:46,750 Containing desires I ache to explore. 355 00:40:46,833 --> 00:40:51,291 Steady on pillars of my own bravery. 356 00:40:51,333 --> 00:40:59,500 I breathe at your mercy and you protect me from everyone else. 357 00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:04,333 - I want to cause you pain. 358 00:41:05,750 --> 00:41:08,166 - I want you to cause me pain. 359 00:41:09,791 --> 00:41:14,166 - To hit you hard enough for you to surrender to me. 360 00:41:14,250 --> 00:41:18,500 - Let me bare the pain, for you. 361 00:41:18,833 --> 00:41:25,833 - And I will at that point carry all your past sufferings. 362 00:41:29,250 --> 00:41:31,791 I want to put you in a box. 363 00:41:31,875 --> 00:41:34,166 - I want you to put me in a box. 364 00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:40,916 - Where you are mine and I do as I please, and I please you. 365 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:42,958 And I name you salt. 366 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,458 - Because it is the best thing you know. 367 00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:51,166 I wear it with pride 368 00:41:51,208 --> 00:41:57,166 and plead for you to keep it, safely in a box. 369 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:04,416 - So outside of it, you can remain absolutely free. 370 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:27,375 I listened back to her reading and she is being punished when she gets it wrong. 371 00:42:27,458 --> 00:42:30,500 It was really beautiful in the moment 372 00:42:30,791 --> 00:42:35,166 but when I listened to it it sounded so brutal. 373 00:42:35,958 --> 00:42:40,458 And I had a really strong reaction of both wanting to protect her 374 00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:46,208 and also that I was a totally worthless human being. 375 00:42:46,291 --> 00:42:51,000 You don’t do that to other people! 376 00:42:51,916 --> 00:42:58,333 - For me I need to take care of my slave afterwards and make sure he feels ok, 377 00:42:58,458 --> 00:43:03,833 and I need to get that reassurance that it's not abuse. 378 00:43:03,958 --> 00:43:08,958 But I mean, there are a lot of things that are similar. 379 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:14,208 You are in a power position and you use that power. 380 00:43:14,291 --> 00:43:22,416 That's what men in high positions do, use their power to have sex or... 381 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:28,208 or get a kick out of abusing someone. 382 00:43:28,291 --> 00:43:31,000 There are some similarities. - Yes. 383 00:43:31,083 --> 00:43:33,958 And the difference is the consent I suppose. - Exactly. 384 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:41,291 - Sex with consent can be wonderful, sex without consent is rape. 385 00:43:41,333 --> 00:43:45,750 - Exactly. - It's an enormous difference. 386 00:43:48,833 --> 00:43:50,791 - Are you okay? 387 00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:56,166 - Yes, Madame. 388 00:44:03,041 --> 00:44:08,000 To be here with you feels like coming home. 389 00:44:11,250 --> 00:44:18,125 Here, our wounds are the source of pleasure. Pain is a chance to heal. 390 00:44:19,166 --> 00:44:23,375 All our damage - gold. 391 00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:33,375 So how do I keep hold of my own drop in this endless ocean? 392 00:44:55,500 --> 00:45:03,125 - Yes, this reminds me of when I used to work at the funeral home. 393 00:45:03,166 --> 00:45:11,333 It worked especially with people that could not have an open casket. 394 00:45:11,416 --> 00:45:17,125 Or that could not wear their clothes, for whatever reason. 395 00:45:17,166 --> 00:45:21,250 They were usually covered with a white fabric. 396 00:45:22,166 --> 00:45:26,083 The point where BDSM merges with death 397 00:45:26,166 --> 00:45:32,250 is when there is a symbiosis between the submissive person, 398 00:45:32,333 --> 00:45:35,250 who is somehow abandoning their body 399 00:45:35,333 --> 00:45:40,916 and surrenders it to you. Just like when someone dies 400 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,458 and has somehow abandoned their body, 401 00:45:44,500 --> 00:45:49,166 and that body will be treated by an embalmer. 402 00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:51,999 In my case as a dominatrix, 403 00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:56,416 a person decides to leave their body, 404 00:45:56,500 --> 00:46:00,458 decides to abandon it and put it in my hands. 405 00:46:00,500 --> 00:46:04,166 And I have to somehow take care of that body. 406 00:46:04,250 --> 00:46:08,250 I see BDSM from a very spiritual point of view. 407 00:46:08,333 --> 00:46:15,333 And I think feeling pain and inflicting pain on someone else, 408 00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:19,916 leads to a state of abandonment of the mind. 409 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:25,416 To a state of a deep void. 410 00:46:25,500 --> 00:46:30,791 Which is what motivates me in BDSM. 411 00:46:46,375 --> 00:46:52,083 Can this be a safe space to keep my passion away from my own destruction? 412 00:46:53,083 --> 00:46:58,208 To give that inner space to God, not people? 413 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:05,291 I want a grown-up negotiation, if we don’t fit we don’t commit. 414 00:47:06,125 --> 00:47:10,000 Please negotiate with me! 415 00:47:17,833 --> 00:47:23,416 - Mary, can you help me button this? - Yes, let us hope. 416 00:47:24,875 --> 00:47:29,333 I can't see anything... there. 417 00:47:30,291 --> 00:47:34,208 Voila! - Thank you! 418 00:47:40,500 --> 00:47:47,166 - Today I'm going to represent death and resurrection. 419 00:47:47,250 --> 00:47:49,166 A little differently. 420 00:47:49,208 --> 00:47:52,875 Because we begin by preparing the body. 421 00:47:52,958 --> 00:47:56,833 Then trough asphyxiation we want to represent death, 422 00:47:56,916 --> 00:48:01,958 and through pain, awaken him little by little. 423 00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:07,416 All this in a ritualistic manner like a new awakening. 424 00:48:09,375 --> 00:48:19,500 I think it's a very interesting practise because it's not a very intense pain. 425 00:48:19,791 --> 00:48:30,041 But you have to establish trust between the person 426 00:48:30,125 --> 00:48:34,166 that is being asphyxiated and the one asphyxiating. 427 00:48:34,250 --> 00:48:38,833 You’re actually putting your life 428 00:48:38,875 --> 00:48:45,916 in the hands of someone else. 429 00:48:52,166 --> 00:48:56,166 Between God and a lover, the dungeon and the church. 430 00:48:56,208 --> 00:49:00,416 Through pleasure and pain I cross through my middle. 431 00:49:02,291 --> 00:49:05,500 Like the sound of two trains meeting in a tunnel 432 00:49:05,791 --> 00:49:07,958 I call myself. 433 00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:12,875 I give myself permission to fall. 434 00:49:40,958 --> 00:49:46,500 How ironic it may sound when I'm standing here today, I find it harder to reconcile 435 00:49:46,750 --> 00:49:51,833 my Christian passions than my sexual passions with my image of God. 436 00:49:52,833 --> 00:49:58,291 But as Mary pointed out in one of our many conversations, there is a connection 437 00:49:58,333 --> 00:50:02,500 between spirituality and sexuality in passion, 438 00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:10,833 that longing which pulls you beyond your own logic even if it hurts you. 439 00:50:10,916 --> 00:50:17,458 A longing for something more or greater that resonates with something deep inside you. 440 00:50:50,250 --> 00:50:53,041 - Look at me! 441 00:52:59,750 --> 00:53:03,500 - Maja Borg. I baptize you today. 442 00:53:04,041 --> 00:53:13,166 In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. 443 00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:15,083 Amen. 444 00:53:15,166 --> 00:53:21,333 May you walk with God, as God walks with you. 445 00:53:23,375 --> 00:53:27,875 On your forehead and all your thoughts, Maja. 446 00:53:27,958 --> 00:53:31,833 On your lips and all your words, Maja. 447 00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:35,875 On your heart, and all your love and passion. 448 00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:42,833 - I think there comes a time 449 00:53:42,916 --> 00:53:47,083 when a person puts you under pressure 450 00:53:47,166 --> 00:53:49,833 when you end up admiring that person. 451 00:53:49,875 --> 00:53:53,500 You end up loving that person, you see her as a Goddess or God. 452 00:53:53,791 --> 00:53:59,291 In that moment I think it's like someone manages 453 00:53:59,875 --> 00:54:03,416 to make you feel certain sensations 454 00:54:03,500 --> 00:54:08,458 that make you admire them and abandon 455 00:54:08,750 --> 00:54:11,958 any physical sensation you may have. 456 00:54:50,291 --> 00:54:53,083 - But my God melts away from me 457 00:54:54,333 --> 00:54:59,083 like ‘false Florimells’ before my eyes. 458 00:55:02,333 --> 00:55:06,125 - And since then you have had a hard time dominating? 459 00:55:06,166 --> 00:55:07,958 - Yes, connecting to anything. 460 00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:10,000 - Connecting to anything? 461 00:55:10,083 --> 00:55:14,833 Being a dominant without connecting is tough. 462 00:55:14,916 --> 00:55:16,500 It won't work. 463 00:55:16,750 --> 00:55:20,500 But have you played with someone that didn't witness the ceremony? 464 00:55:20,750 --> 00:55:22,291 - No. 465 00:55:22,333 --> 00:55:27,083 - Because that act is... 466 00:55:27,166 --> 00:55:33,416 You are submitting to God, and to your beliefs and you're also... 467 00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:43,041 ...showing yourself as a vulnerable individual. You stood there kind of on trial as well. 468 00:55:43,125 --> 00:55:49,416 It's easier to come out as a lesbian, it's easier to come out as a BDSM practitioner, 469 00:55:49,500 --> 00:55:53,166 than to come out as a Christian. - Yeah. 470 00:55:53,208 --> 00:55:56,208 - Maybe that act was too powerful? 471 00:55:56,791 --> 00:56:00,041 Because when you... 472 00:56:00,125 --> 00:56:01,833 This is just in my head.. 473 00:56:01,916 --> 00:56:07,750 You charged in, you wanted this and you were prepared to defend yourself towards... 474 00:56:07,833 --> 00:56:09,500 defend your BDSM activity. 475 00:56:09,791 --> 00:56:14,833 And there, someone just opens up their arms and says 'You are welcome, I love you.' Right? 476 00:56:14,875 --> 00:56:17,791 And that just totally... 477 00:56:19,333 --> 00:56:23,041 ...disarms you. - Yes. 478 00:56:23,166 --> 00:56:28,458 - Which is cruel in a way, isn't it? 479 00:56:33,500 --> 00:56:38,291 You want the pain, but I can't take the hurting. 480 00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:45,416 They say, in that which you place your trust is in fact your God. 481 00:56:45,500 --> 00:56:50,083 I’ve worked hard to gain your trust and now it is, 482 00:56:50,166 --> 00:56:51,916 heavy. 483 00:56:56,458 --> 00:57:00,416 For the first time I miss being controlled. 484 00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:06,791 With shame I acknowledge that part of me adored having power exercised over me. 485 00:57:08,291 --> 00:57:14,041 It was a relief to have someone more important than myself to live for. 486 00:57:16,166 --> 00:57:18,375 I am longing for that now, 487 00:57:18,458 --> 00:57:22,208 trying to submit to a fantasy. 488 00:57:25,833 --> 00:57:31,000 - Shall I lie down so you can see... - Do they lie down here also? 489 00:57:31,041 --> 00:57:34,416 - Yeah I lie down here. 490 00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:44,750 - Do you know exactly where? 491 00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:48,333 Are they both laying down? 492 00:57:48,416 --> 00:57:52,083 - Yes, at one point they are both laying down. In the aftercare. 493 00:57:52,166 --> 00:57:55,166 Billy, can you come and pose? 494 00:57:57,166 --> 00:58:02,166 Like this, they are laying down. - It's perfect! 495 00:58:02,208 --> 00:58:05,500 - Like this. - Oh my God it's perfect. 496 00:58:06,333 --> 00:58:11,500 - I am so afraid of my own power and what I can do with it. 497 00:58:11,750 --> 00:58:14,833 I am afraid of owning my power. 498 00:58:14,875 --> 00:58:18,333 And I think this is what I have been dealing with all my life. 499 00:58:18,375 --> 00:58:21,833 Because I was raised in two different worlds, kind of. 500 00:58:21,916 --> 00:58:27,291 In one world I have been witness to abuse, and the other world 501 00:58:27,333 --> 00:58:31,833 is a very political context. 502 00:58:33,333 --> 00:58:42,958 Learning about power in a left intellectual context, 503 00:58:43,791 --> 00:58:47,458 taught me so much about right and wrong and how it should be. 504 00:58:47,500 --> 00:58:53,791 And the other world showed me how it is when it's not good. 505 00:58:53,833 --> 00:58:59,500 And the worst imaginable way of using power. 506 00:59:02,333 --> 00:59:15,083 I was from a very early stage confronted with different kinds of powers. 507 00:59:19,166 --> 00:59:27,958 I think I’m afraid of becoming the sadist for real. 508 00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:31,791 I'm afraid of having that monster inside of me. 509 00:59:34,166 --> 00:59:38,333 - All I was saying, in my mind I would love to be fisted! 510 00:59:38,375 --> 00:59:42,333 - I would love that! I didn't dare to ask you. 511 00:59:42,375 --> 00:59:45,958 - But I don't know if that would function. 512 00:59:46,166 --> 00:59:50,500 - You don't do it as usual? - Not often, no. Very, very rarely. 513 00:59:50,791 --> 00:59:55,166 - Kate this was in the original script! 514 00:59:55,250 --> 00:59:59,916 - It seems really nice! - But I didn’t want to push you by asking. 515 01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,333 But now you brought it up yourself, so... 516 01:00:02,375 --> 01:00:05,333 - It just takes me a while to get there. 517 01:00:05,375 --> 01:00:11,333 That's why I can't really say, but it's a vision that I would really love. 518 01:00:11,375 --> 01:00:13,041 - Me too! 519 01:00:13,125 --> 01:00:17,958 It's nice to portrait somebody having sex and coming. 520 01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:22,000 And this we need to talk about also, because you will be in a very hard position. 521 01:00:22,083 --> 01:00:26,500 - Definitely. - The reason I want you to be fucked in a cross position, 522 01:00:26,791 --> 01:00:34,083 is because in my own experience, this is the most vulnerable situation I can imagine. 523 01:00:35,416 --> 01:00:41,916 - I think that the thing that becomes stressful about it, 524 01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:46,250 is the idea of having to achieve orgasm. 525 01:00:46,333 --> 01:00:48,833 Not necessarily the idea of being open. 526 01:00:48,916 --> 01:00:51,416 Especially with Ambra, I feel very comfortable. 527 01:00:51,500 --> 01:00:55,833 And with the idea of being penetrated or experiencing the fucking. 528 01:00:55,916 --> 01:01:04,833 But if we want to capture a real orgasm, not that it's too stressful, but that's where I feel, 529 01:01:04,916 --> 01:01:09,000 okay, what would help to... If we want to have that as an outcome. 530 01:01:09,875 --> 01:01:15,375 - Obviously I am not avoiding power. 531 01:01:16,166 --> 01:01:18,833 I’m actually going there all the time. 532 01:01:18,875 --> 01:01:22,250 And I put myself in positions where I have... 533 01:01:22,333 --> 01:01:28,791 Where I am the one who should have control, and I am the one who should give people orders. 534 01:01:34,291 --> 01:01:44,500 I think this is the big paradox in my life. And that's why I am obsessed with creating safe spaces. 535 01:01:44,750 --> 01:01:56,750 Because I want to understand how we can work together or live together without hurting each other. 536 01:01:59,333 --> 01:02:02,333 - You have to open the door Micke! 537 01:02:04,125 --> 01:02:08,333 Life is all about the relationships we have with other people. 538 01:02:08,375 --> 01:02:11,000 So one has to experience more than one relationship. 539 01:02:11,041 --> 01:02:16,291 You can't limit someone to make sure they stay. 540 01:02:16,333 --> 01:02:23,208 But if they are free to do what they want, and still chooses to come back to the love we share, 541 01:02:23,291 --> 01:02:25,500 then you know it's real. 542 01:02:32,916 --> 01:02:36,125 - The bond between a Master and a slave is extremely powerful. 543 01:02:36,166 --> 01:02:39,125 And extremely emotional. 544 01:02:39,166 --> 01:02:42,916 The care for one another is very, very strong. 545 01:02:44,125 --> 01:02:52,166 In order for it to work, it's so important to... 546 01:02:54,875 --> 01:02:57,333 I lost track... 547 01:03:03,833 --> 01:03:06,916 When you have created a power dynamic, and a power shift. 548 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,125 When you have this power exchange. 549 01:03:09,166 --> 01:03:10,916 It's not static. 550 01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:15,208 If you have built a dynamic, and you have created it. 551 01:03:15,291 --> 01:03:17,791 It's not gonna stay there forever. 552 01:03:17,833 --> 01:03:21,500 You have to always work in order to keep it. 553 01:03:21,791 --> 01:03:24,375 And sometimes, I mean, I am not perfect. 554 01:03:24,458 --> 01:03:26,833 I am absolutely not perfect. 555 01:03:26,916 --> 01:03:29,250 Sometimes I let go. 556 01:03:30,208 --> 01:03:34,166 And then the shift becomes smaller. 557 01:03:34,208 --> 01:03:37,166 And that is tough. On both of us. 558 01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:41,333 - How do you know if it has become destructive, 559 01:03:41,416 --> 01:03:45,416 or if the shift has gone wrong and is no longer serving you? 560 01:03:45,500 --> 01:03:48,333 What do you do then? 561 01:03:49,791 --> 01:03:53,125 - What I do then? 562 01:03:56,333 --> 01:04:00,500 What I do then, is what I'm doing now actually. 563 01:04:00,916 --> 01:04:03,333 Back to basics. 564 01:04:26,916 --> 01:04:29,458 In play space we are winning, 565 01:04:29,750 --> 01:04:32,291 the boundaries make us endless. 566 01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:38,041 So how am I supposed to contain you? 567 01:04:38,125 --> 01:04:41,333 To love you neatly in a box? 568 01:04:43,833 --> 01:04:48,000 What a cruel and vain paradox, because outside of it, 569 01:04:50,208 --> 01:04:55,250 I still don't know how to set limits without shouting. 570 01:05:00,166 --> 01:05:09,916 I am too triggered to see who is standing right in front of me, and in shame I hear myself lashing out. 571 01:05:10,500 --> 01:05:16,041 Every fibre protecting me, from someone else. 572 01:05:19,458 --> 01:05:23,291 I hurt you from the wounds of my own past. 573 01:05:23,333 --> 01:05:28,000 Wounds I never got a chance to heal without you. 574 01:05:28,083 --> 01:05:31,000 Please don’t forgive that. 575 01:05:32,208 --> 01:05:35,250 - This person like this is Kate 576 01:05:35,333 --> 01:05:39,333 in the cross position. 577 01:05:39,416 --> 01:05:43,000 Could it be that Kate could eat at four? 578 01:05:43,041 --> 01:05:48,875 Because she needs to be fisted at six. 579 01:05:48,958 --> 01:05:51,291 - She's gonna get fucked, and maybe fisted. 580 01:05:51,333 --> 01:05:55,208 I feel that if you keep saying fisted... - Yeah, it's a pressure. 581 01:05:55,500 --> 01:05:58,041 - I am sorry Kate. I hope you don't feel pressured. 582 01:05:58,125 --> 01:06:02,250 - There is no pressure Kate! 583 01:06:03,250 --> 01:06:06,833 Tell me what you need from me? - If she can eat at four? 584 01:06:07,125 --> 01:06:14,000 - Just as we need the community, we need stories that we can relate to. 585 01:06:14,083 --> 01:06:16,916 And... - What happens if you have no stories? 586 01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:20,125 - You are no one. 587 01:06:20,166 --> 01:06:24,083 I think you are no one. You are out of identity. 588 01:06:24,166 --> 01:06:33,041 If you have no stories, you are hanging loose in space 589 01:06:33,125 --> 01:06:35,333 with nothing. 590 01:06:35,375 --> 01:06:38,750 I think stories is what creates us. 591 01:06:54,791 --> 01:07:02,500 All those years ago, when I thought I was giving, perhaps I was taking. 592 01:07:04,833 --> 01:07:11,375 In taking responsibility for you did I take responsibility from you? 593 01:07:13,916 --> 01:07:19,750 And by the time I said stop you were dependent on it? 594 01:07:20,416 --> 01:07:23,375 What happened after is history, 595 01:07:23,500 --> 01:07:28,291 I might some day forgive, but never forget. 596 01:07:30,958 --> 01:07:36,000 Still, I hope you can forgive me for feeding your fear. 597 01:07:37,125 --> 01:07:41,875 For fighting for you against both of us. 598 01:07:46,041 --> 01:07:50,083 You make me face myself and I don’t like what I see. 599 01:07:51,291 --> 01:07:53,458 I need to make my own liberation, 600 01:07:54,083 --> 01:07:55,375 alone. 601 01:08:00,500 --> 01:08:06,916 So I close the door to the dungeon and walk deep into myself. 602 01:08:14,166 --> 01:08:17,333 - Okay, are we getting ready? 603 01:08:18,166 --> 01:08:21,791 - Scene one shot four, take one. 604 01:08:47,375 --> 01:08:50,166 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 605 01:08:54,166 --> 01:08:56,125 - Action. 606 01:08:56,166 --> 01:08:58,208 - In... 607 01:08:59,000 --> 01:09:01,041 ...and out. 608 01:09:44,166 --> 01:09:47,375 I find someone willing to dominate me. 609 01:09:48,500 --> 01:09:51,791 But you are not holding me down hard enough 610 01:09:51,833 --> 01:09:54,416 so I push myself down 611 01:09:54,500 --> 01:09:58,291 and I am so triggered, I cannot move. 612 01:10:00,208 --> 01:10:06,791 I freeze and the questions are crystal clear, the past right here. 613 01:10:13,041 --> 01:10:17,166 Why did I not defend myself all those years? 614 01:10:18,291 --> 01:10:22,916 How could I betray myself so fundamentally? 615 01:10:26,166 --> 01:10:29,750 I am full of anger, even hate. 616 01:10:30,166 --> 01:10:33,500 I want to leave but you are calm, 617 01:10:33,750 --> 01:10:40,500 and I’m invited to switch, to stay in this anger that I have always pushed down. 618 01:10:43,166 --> 01:10:46,958 - I have so much built up it's crazy! 619 01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:50,833 - Do you want the vibrator? - Yes. 620 01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:55,833 What do I do now? 621 01:10:55,916 --> 01:11:01,458 How can I ‘play safe’ when I don’t know what will happen? 622 01:11:02,416 --> 01:11:06,791 What if you call red and I can’t stop hitting? 623 01:11:07,333 --> 01:11:14,333 You hold the trust in me that I am lacking, how can you be this brave? 624 01:11:14,833 --> 01:11:18,416 - Yes it's so good in my ass! 625 01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:25,916 I let myself go and what I find is not violence. 626 01:11:26,000 --> 01:11:30,875 I’m suddenly clear to myself, wholly my own. 627 01:11:31,875 --> 01:11:36,958 And from these pure boundaries I can feel your every move, 628 01:11:37,458 --> 01:11:38,958 every thought, 629 01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:40,166 feeling. 630 01:11:40,208 --> 01:11:43,750 I could play you like a song. 631 01:11:44,416 --> 01:11:50,791 In my own body you echoed until we both came, through you. 632 01:11:54,250 --> 01:12:01,791 I never knew that to be limited, to know my own boundaries, would make me feel this big. 633 01:12:05,125 --> 01:12:08,291 - Don't leave me! Don't go out of me! 634 01:12:32,791 --> 01:12:35,916 - Oh my God... 635 01:13:16,500 --> 01:13:20,000 It is in this very moment you walk by. 636 01:13:21,500 --> 01:13:25,958 Our eyes meet and you step right in. 637 01:13:26,750 --> 01:13:29,750 But not through my wounds. 638 01:13:30,791 --> 01:13:34,166 I didn’t know I had other openings. 639 01:13:40,291 --> 01:13:43,000 I am too tired to be hard, 640 01:13:43,041 --> 01:13:45,291 so we don’t play. 641 01:13:45,375 --> 01:13:51,166 Instead we fall asleep and I forget to put my guard up. 642 01:13:51,208 --> 01:13:54,416 The river takes me away. 643 01:14:07,375 --> 01:14:09,208 - salt. 644 01:14:09,291 --> 01:14:10,333 - Yes, Madame? 645 01:14:10,375 --> 01:14:12,333 - Come. 646 01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:20,916 The devil doesn’t exist so don’t serve him. 647 01:14:23,833 --> 01:14:26,291 You can not carry this heavy longing. 648 01:14:27,041 --> 01:14:28,791 - Closer. 649 01:14:30,125 --> 01:14:32,291 No one can. 650 01:14:33,125 --> 01:14:35,791 I was born hungry. 651 01:14:46,333 --> 01:14:50,166 If only the salt had lost it's savour. 652 01:14:50,500 --> 01:14:55,291 The brutality of these chances to heal. 653 01:15:59,500 --> 01:16:01,875 - Madame? 654 01:16:03,333 --> 01:16:07,166 Now that you let me out, 655 01:16:07,916 --> 01:16:11,125 and renounce the responsibility of keeping me safe, 656 01:16:11,166 --> 01:16:15,166 I promise to take good care. 657 01:16:16,166 --> 01:16:25,416 I will remain, without shame, nor fear, nor regret, 658 01:16:25,500 --> 01:16:33,125 tremendously proud, to have been freely... 659 01:16:33,166 --> 01:16:36,250 yours. 660 01:16:52,250 --> 01:16:54,333 - Ready? 661 01:17:02,500 --> 01:17:05,416 It is with all my love, 662 01:17:06,875 --> 01:17:09,958 I now release you. 663 01:19:00,500 --> 01:19:05,000 I need to live in the river, not the sea. 664 01:19:06,000 --> 01:19:09,791 I will meet you there, eventually. 665 01:19:12,083 --> 01:19:17,958 - So this is the crossroad Anneke? Here and here? 666 01:19:18,000 --> 01:19:20,250 And what does that mean? 667 01:19:21,500 --> 01:19:35,041 - The crossroad is an important place for witchery because all the paths are in one. 668 01:19:35,125 --> 01:19:44,041 And it's really interesting to do magic or for meditation. 669 01:19:44,125 --> 01:19:51,291 Because it's a space... 670 01:19:53,916 --> 01:19:56,916 ...closer to the veil. 671 01:19:57,000 --> 01:20:00,500 - To the? - To the veil, with the other side. 672 01:20:18,250 --> 01:20:20,916 You disturb my story. 673 01:20:21,125 --> 01:20:25,458 I had found a good ending, a healthy distance, 674 01:20:25,500 --> 01:20:28,500 it was happy enough. 675 01:20:35,083 --> 01:20:39,416 I adored you from the start so I let you stay. 676 01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:41,916 Away. 677 01:20:44,750 --> 01:20:51,375 Sometimes for me in BDSM you go to this space where you are really close to everything 678 01:20:51,458 --> 01:20:56,166 so if you managed to do it perfectly you would have to die, 679 01:20:56,250 --> 01:21:00,833 beacause that would be the only way to take it that step further. 680 01:21:00,916 --> 01:21:07,833 - Yeah sometimes I feel like you are playing with death. 681 01:21:07,875 --> 01:21:14,000 - And you are also playing with the pain stopping. - Yeah... 682 01:21:31,500 --> 01:21:35,291 They say that when you love a part of you dies. 683 01:21:36,500 --> 01:21:41,750 If I could only love, just a little bit less. 684 01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:51,375 To be de-created, that deep dark. 685 01:21:51,458 --> 01:21:58,000 So alluring when life lives so brightly that earthly things collapse. 686 01:21:59,458 --> 01:22:01,333 Like bodies. 687 01:22:01,416 --> 01:22:04,083 Like living arrangements. 688 01:22:04,291 --> 01:22:10,291 Like dreams and hopes and theories of how the world could be a better place. 689 01:22:16,916 --> 01:22:23,166 Has passion ever existed alongside life without destroying it? 690 01:22:28,458 --> 01:22:32,500 I know I prayed but I've changed my mind. 691 01:22:33,458 --> 01:22:39,458 Don’t let me die on this high. Don’t let me surrender! 692 01:22:43,291 --> 01:22:47,416 -It's really hard, this longing is heavy. 693 01:22:47,500 --> 01:22:55,041 Because it translates to a longing to die, and it's not like I don't want to live. 694 01:22:55,125 --> 01:22:58,875 - No. - It's a longing to... 695 01:22:59,375 --> 01:23:03,833 ...to dissolve in that connectedness. - You know what I would like to call that? 696 01:23:03,875 --> 01:23:07,041 Because I have it. My homesickness. 697 01:23:07,125 --> 01:23:09,500 - Yes, it's the perfect word. - I long to go home. 698 01:23:09,791 --> 01:23:15,750 It is not until these last years, that I felt quite at home with my homesickness. 699 01:23:15,833 --> 01:23:19,875 And learned that it's become definitive of me. - Yeah. 700 01:23:19,958 --> 01:23:22,041 - I am one who longs to go home. 701 01:23:22,125 --> 01:23:27,166 And at the same time, I can love this life. 702 01:23:27,208 --> 01:23:32,958 It is a gift, becomes a gift. And I used to be so afraid of it, that I would flip out, 703 01:23:33,000 --> 01:23:35,916 and wind up in some psychiatric ward somewhere. 704 01:23:35,958 --> 01:23:37,916 But now I am not afraid of it anymore. 705 01:23:37,958 --> 01:23:41,208 Learn to love that feeling. Because that is who you are! 706 01:23:41,291 --> 01:23:47,166 - That is hard because what happens if I in any way lose control? 707 01:23:47,250 --> 01:23:52,458 Does that mean I will kill myself? - Lose control of what? 708 01:23:52,500 --> 01:23:58,166 That homesickness. It tells us who we are. 709 01:23:58,208 --> 01:24:02,833 So learn to love your longing! - Pfft... 710 01:24:03,375 --> 01:24:08,125 It's overwhelming. It can be incredibly frightening. 711 01:24:08,166 --> 01:24:10,333 - What can we do about it both you and I? 712 01:24:10,375 --> 01:24:12,833 I only found that the only thing I can do about it, 713 01:24:12,916 --> 01:24:17,166 is to sink in to it and find out it wasn't dangerous. 714 01:26:03,083 --> 01:26:06,000 So I give myself a story, 715 01:26:09,083 --> 01:26:14,916 in which you see all parts of me, and love me anyway. 716 01:26:25,958 --> 01:26:30,291 Where you say, 'I’m even here, in your dark. 717 01:26:30,375 --> 01:26:34,916 It’s calling your name because it is also, you.' 718 01:26:37,833 --> 01:26:40,500 We meet here to practice, 719 01:26:42,791 --> 01:26:44,916 to play loved. 720 01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,333 I can literally see you grow. 721 01:26:57,500 --> 01:27:01,833 Never before have I seen such beauty. 722 01:27:03,458 --> 01:27:08,166 Your power is pushed into my bones through the sole of your foot. 723 01:27:09,958 --> 01:27:14,041 The power I need to cope with the pressure on my chest. 724 01:27:15,375 --> 01:27:19,416 The humiliation. The pain. 725 01:27:23,291 --> 01:27:28,000 For the first time in my life I stop fighting. 726 01:27:35,750 --> 01:27:37,875 Your eyes say 'fall'. 727 01:27:37,958 --> 01:27:40,125 And I fall, 728 01:27:40,166 --> 01:27:45,041 as in to sweet sleep calling you back in the morning. 729 01:27:47,875 --> 01:27:51,916 I am in this moment forever without fear. 730 01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:55,375 I have given up, 731 01:27:55,458 --> 01:27:57,791 given over. 732 01:27:58,916 --> 01:28:03,291 - Body of Christ, sacrificed for you. 733 01:28:04,375 --> 01:28:07,208 Receive God's love, 734 01:28:07,333 --> 01:28:10,500 you are and will always be loved, 735 01:28:11,041 --> 01:28:14,916 embraced, forgiven. 736 01:28:20,500 --> 01:28:24,000 They say run, river run to the sea. 737 01:28:24,041 --> 01:28:27,500 Water always wants to be free. 738 01:28:31,000 --> 01:28:33,916 I will meet the sea sooner or later. 739 01:28:34,000 --> 01:28:38,166 I hope I have a long way to run. 740 01:28:39,458 --> 01:28:42,916 - Amen. - Amen. 741 01:28:46,958 --> 01:28:49,833 - If you don't meet your own emptiness, 742 01:28:50,416 --> 01:28:54,041 you will never find the Holy Spirit within yourself. 743 01:28:55,958 --> 01:29:00,458 And you can't ask or give anybody else the responsibility 744 01:29:00,500 --> 01:29:03,166 to be your God. 745 01:29:05,208 --> 01:29:15,500 But in order to find contact with my inner room, where God has chosen to live, 746 01:29:16,083 --> 01:29:22,791 in order to find that, I need to hold somebody else's hand. 747 01:29:24,208 --> 01:29:31,875 So it's that paradoxical walk, being together and walking alone. 748 01:30:02,166 --> 01:30:04,083 So come inside. 749 01:30:09,208 --> 01:30:13,333 Although we may more often fail and commit small lapses, 750 01:30:14,000 --> 01:30:17,916 our gain could be incomparably greater. 751 01:30:24,500 --> 01:30:30,458 I arrived as my own the night you walked past. Now please walk with me. 752 01:30:46,791 --> 01:30:49,333 So let my longings be clues. 753 01:30:50,375 --> 01:30:55,000 How else can we long if not with our bodies? 754 01:30:56,000 --> 01:30:58,166 And it whispers 755 01:30:58,791 --> 01:31:01,958 'start by saying the word.'