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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[Vehicles passing, horns honking]
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♪
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♪
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- Addiction...
is really cunning...
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and really good.
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[Siren wailing]
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Addiction is not
a logical disease,
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so you can't talk logic with it.
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Your family falls apart,
you lose your job.
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You lose everything
that's important to you.
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You lose relationships
that are important to you.
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It's not that you don't care.
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It's just the disease
is bigger than that.
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♪
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It really weaves through
a family so well.
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The disease is always
the most important thing.
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- It was a well-known thing
in my family
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that my dad was an addict.
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I caught him in the basement
using when I was in fifth grade.
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I believe that I was an addict
at birth.
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I've lost years.
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I started this at the age of 19,
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and it's like 10 years
just went by.
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I have no idea who I am.
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I never managed to get more
than a couple of months sober.
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Last time I overdosed,
they Narcanned me six times.
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There's a reason
why I'm still alive.
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- My sister showed me
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everything that you need to know
about heroin 101.
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I was itching just as much
as she was at one point.
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I didn't learn how to get clean
from rehab or halfway.
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I learned how to get clean
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because I put in solid hours
of work.
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I see myself as doing
so much more
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than fucking shooting dope.
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- I feel like when it's just,
like,
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my brother and my sister around,
I don't feel myself.
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I actually, like,
am pretty depressed.
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When they left for rehab,
I prayed for them all the time.
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But there was no problems here.
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It was just me, my mom,
and my stepdad.
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Life was good.
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- I'm the stepfather
of drug addicts.
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I never had a problem
fixing problems.
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And I figured this would just be
something else I could fix,
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and I was wrong.
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- I was the fifth child born,
my mom's youngest.
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She suffered
with anorexia nervosa.
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It shows up just like addiction.
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She looked like she was dying
all the time.
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I had goals and aspirations,
and it didn't matter.
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There was no regard
for what I needed.
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It was about what she needed
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and what I needed to do
to make that happen.
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With addiction,
you grow up with it.
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You have a first husband
with it.
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You have your kids
that are struggling with it.
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I promised my kids...
We all fucking get out alive.
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We all survive this.
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♪
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♪
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- I don't smoke ever,
so I don't know whatever...
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- You really don't?
- I really don't, so...
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- Well, I'm glad for that.
- They've been with me all day.
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Did you guys see me smoke
at all today?
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- No. You're right.
I'm glad about that, Nic.
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- Yeah.
- When did you stop?
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- I stopped months ago.
I smoke maybe, like...
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- That can't even be.
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I saw you have a cigarette
like two days ago.
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[Laughter]
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You need to quit.
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You know, smoking cigarettes...
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The statistic shows
that it's harder to quit drugs
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if you're still smoking.
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- I actually might get a couple
of drags off of that.
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- I don't think she cares
right now.
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- Oh! Oh! Oh!
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[Laughing]
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- I'm going inside, dude.
Fuck that.
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[Tapping on window]
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- This is the healthy
alternative?
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- Let's sit down so we can talk
like a nice, happy family.
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- Get yourself one of these guys.
- Look, I'm done already.
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- Why do you think Christopher
needs an intervention?
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- That's what we're all
doing here.
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- Because she's projecting now.
It's a defense mechanism.
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- I know.
I'm tired of hearing it.
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Every day, you get me on the
phone and tell me that he...
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he needs an intervention
for marijuana.
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- He does. He does.
- Do you need an intervention?
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- You can't live here
and be on pot, so...
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- Pretty sure I've been here
for the past three days,
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and I haven't even been out
of the house.
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So I got to go?
- Well, go or stop smoking pot.
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- I'm being truthful.
I could have just sat here
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and been like, "No,
I never smoke pot ever."
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- Right, but you have to gt
drug-tested to live here.
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- But in social situations...
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Yeah, you're right.
- Okay.
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- Well, Nicole,
you were successful. Good job.
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She always is.
We...
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- 'Cause I'm a success.
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- Yep, you're a success.
♪ I just want to be successful ♪
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- I'm tired of hearing her say
every time you guys fight
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that you shouldn't be living
in the house with her daughter
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because she has to live
in a halfway house.
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- That's because she's crazy.
Look at Nicole.
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You're gonna sit here
and tell me
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the 12-step program works
for a couple of people.
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Nicole's been in 19 of them.
You're gonna sit here
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and tell me that drug addiction
isn't worse than cancer?
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- I hate when you do that.
- You just told me
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that drug addiction
wasn't worse than cancer.
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- Numbers. The numbers.
We're talking about the numbers.
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We're talking about the numbers.
That's what we're talking about.
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- Because I have higher
credentials to talk about this
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than three out
of the four people...
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- Here we go.
- You won't want to hear it.
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- You're spewing out facts
that aren't real facts.
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- What facts?
I said drug addiction.
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There's more deaths
than breast cancer.
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And I'm pretty sure
you don't even know that.
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- That's not true. Look it up.
- I don't think so.
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- I'm not gonna be the dickhead
that pulls out my phone.
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- The only reason...
- "Opioids now kill more people
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than breast cancer."
CNN.
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- Okay. You're right. I'm sorr.
Look how happy he is.
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- I'm not happy. It's just
you're all fucking retarded.
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Bryan's the only knowledgeable
person in the fucking room,
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and you're all telling me
I'm wrong.
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- I'm sorry. I care about you.
I think you're a good person.
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But how dare you call my house
and curse at my daughter
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when she's just trying to
spend time with her family?
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After seeing the Snapchat story
with you and Nicole last week,
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after hearing about this,
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that you're
in the hospital again,
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I'm really concerned,
and I'm worried about Giovanna.
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I'm worried about her
coming out there.
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- You're cold?
Oh.
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- I wouldn't do it
for Nicole either.
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I'm worried. I promised your
daughter I'd keep her safe.
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- Oh, you did a snowman?
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- Like, I have so much
responsibility here.
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I send her up there, you go
shoot dope, you overdose,
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and she grabs your needle,
and then she dies.
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I got to live with that
the rest of my life.
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And I saw the signs
right in front of me.
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I just spoke about it
last night,
152
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about all the years I minimized.
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I'm gonna sit here
and believe you.
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Take care of yourself.
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- [Coughing]
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- Baby, come here.
Come sit with Mommy.
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- That's my favorite toy.
- That's your favorite toy?
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♪
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[Siren wailing]
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♪
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- The last time Nicole overdosed,
she had been living
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in an apartment
half a block from here.
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Her boyfriend and the baby were
at the apartment
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under the idea that they were
gonna try to be a family
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with me right close by watching.
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That went really bad
really fast.
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♪
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I get a phone call
from the landlord,
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and she was freaking out,
saying, "What is going on?
170
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Why are the cops
trying to bust in my door?"
171
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So I just jumped out of bed
and booked down the street.
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♪
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I said to one of the cops
outside,
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I said, "Is it the girl
or the boy?"
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And she said, "The girl,
and she's not responding."
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I said, "I'm going in.
That's my daughter."
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I looked down at Nicole, and she
was blue and she was gone.
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And they had her clothes
ripped off,
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and they had machines on her.
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And I just kept screaming
at them, "Please.
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Just please, please keep trying.
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Keep trying to save her."
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00:09:13,944 --> 00:09:15,467
- Hello.
184
00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:20,821
Welcome to "Cribs:
Long-Term Recovery Edition."
185
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,518
I'm Nicole.
I'm your host.
186
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,261
We have the living room,
the whiteboard.
187
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It causes a lot of controversy
every day.
188
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,701
We have issues over
who gets to write on it.
189
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:35,531
Serena always wins.
190
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:39,317
Womanspace philosophy.
191
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,884
We have to say it every day.
192
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:44,366
Oh, the Christmas tree.
193
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:47,108
Whoever draws the short straw
has to pretty much take it away.
194
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:51,155
And then this is where
the magic happens.
195
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,375
Right, Miss Helen?
196
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,856
I'm showing them the office.
- Okay.
197
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:59,381
- So you might want to pop
that cleavage out, baby.
198
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,862
Because of insurance,
199
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,733
Womanspace is a four-to-six-month program.
200
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:07,389
- Welcome to our room.
- Welcome to the penthouse suite.
201
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:10,087
- This is where it all happens.
- This is where it all goes down.
202
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:12,568
Notice how I have
the smallest side of the room.
203
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,310
- She came in last.
- I did come in last.
204
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:18,879
It's just pictures of G.
That's Giovanna's baptism.
205
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,359
So, Stephen
is Giovanna's godfather.
206
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:24,798
And that one up there is her
with, like, one of my bras on.
207
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,321
She used to, like, steal my bras
208
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:29,759
and, like, run around the house
with it.
209
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,979
That's her baptism picture.
210
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,590
And there's her
with my brothers.
211
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,984
I met somebody in rehab.
212
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:41,162
I got pregnant
with Giovanna in rehab.
213
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:44,208
Signed over custody of my child
to my mom
214
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:45,906
when I overdosed
with her in the apartment.
215
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:49,910
I was sober
for almost four months.
216
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:54,784
- When I first met Nicole,
I was like, "Oh, my God.
217
00:10:54,828 --> 00:10:56,743
Who is this girl?"
218
00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,832
And I've seen her grow.
219
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:01,878
Like, I believe she came in
with 16 days or something.
220
00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:05,403
And till now, it's like,
"Oh, my God.
221
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:07,188
What a transformation."
222
00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:08,624
You can make a friend,
223
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:13,411
especially after being
so many months with someone.
224
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:15,631
You can build a friendship.
225
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:19,548
- Megan is creative and...
226
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,463
[Exhales deeply]
227
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:26,773
...right from the bat, I noticed
how giving and loving she is.
228
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:29,210
I'm so glad
that our paths crossed.
229
00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:30,341
- Mm-hmm.
230
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:32,648
- So glad.
231
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,519
- Me too.
232
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:37,174
- You know, we've had division,
and we've had situations,
233
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:39,699
where we have had disagreements.
234
00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:42,223
- It gets real in here. A lot
of shit goes down, you know?
235
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:43,790
We talk about some real shit
in here...
236
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,487
- Yeah, yeah.
- ...that, like, you know,
237
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,968
we don't talk about in therapy
and stuff like that.
238
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:51,493
- It's like us empowering
each other, too.
239
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,017
- If we allow ourselves
to feel like we're less than,
240
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,715
that we don't deserve it,
241
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:58,587
that's what we're gonna believe,
that we don't deserve it.
242
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,502
- My hope and my desire
243
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:04,506
is that we don't die
from this disease of addiction.
244
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,813
And I see hope here.
245
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,771
And you girls, I love you.
246
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:12,601
I'm so glad you're my roommates
and you're here.
247
00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:14,037
Thank you.
248
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:19,913
♪
249
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:25,440
[Birds chirping]
250
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,836
- Chris, you have
a haircut today.
251
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:32,577
- [Coughing]
- All right. Don't forget.
252
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,666
- I got you.
253
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,758
- Here you go.
No?
254
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:42,805
- [Speaks indistinctly]
255
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,502
- Look what's on TV, G.
256
00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:46,461
- Uh-oh. Your favorite.
257
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,728
Do you want to go get your chair
in your room
258
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,121
so I could do your hair?
259
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:55,687
Go get your chair.
- No.
260
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:57,864
- Please.
- No.
261
00:12:57,907 --> 00:13:00,301
- All right.
I'll get it.
262
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:02,303
- Yeah.
263
00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:04,044
- G, you're so pretty.
264
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:05,785
And when we get to the studio,
265
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:09,963
can you take the hand towels
that are in the bathroom,
266
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:13,009
the used ones,
and throw them in the wash?
267
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:17,187
[Smooches]
Okay.
268
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,932
Say bye.
Give Uncle Stephen a kiss.
269
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:25,326
First when I took her there
every day, I felt bad,
270
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:27,284
but now it seems like
she's really happy
271
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:29,069
and she's socialized,
so it's good.
272
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:32,333
- Yeah.
[Speaking indistinctly]
273
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,335
But that's why they call it
the terrible twos.
274
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,380
- Yeah.
And you guys were at preschool.
275
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:38,513
I sent you two days a week
in the morning
276
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,820
when you were that age
just to get socialized.
277
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:44,127
And then I spent the rest of
the day, and I worked at night.
278
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:46,303
And... [Coughs]
I don't even know now.
279
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,566
I thought I was doing
all the right things.
280
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:49,872
I don't even know now.
281
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,918
This is better that
she's just there all day.
282
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,920
She seems really happy.
283
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:04,321
[Machines humming]
284
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,725
[Indistinct conversations]
285
00:14:16,768 --> 00:14:18,509
I believe in synchronicity.
286
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:22,035
I believe in the flow of energy
in the universe.
287
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,950
I'm speaking tonight
on addiction
288
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:26,604
and how it's affected my family
over the years.
289
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:28,998
And it's been a really hard,
long journey
290
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,740
because I'm the type of person
291
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:34,308
that really cares about
what people think of me.
292
00:14:34,351 --> 00:14:38,616
And to do this,
I have to be, like, fearless
293
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:44,274
and speak about things that make
me not look so great, right?
294
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,146
Because if I'm gonna tell
the story
295
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:47,930
and put the energy out there,
296
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,498
I have to say, you know,
"This is what I did."
297
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:53,849
I mean, like, I probably
neglected my daughter at times,
298
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,373
you know, because I was going
through my own shit.
299
00:14:56,417 --> 00:15:00,464
And therefore,
things got worse with her.
300
00:15:00,508 --> 00:15:03,598
But if I don't speak that truth,
301
00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,817
then other people
who feel the same way
302
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,689
can't feel they have a place.
303
00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:10,953
[Playing Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Under the Bridge"]
304
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:18,439
♪
305
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:21,877
[Engine idling]
306
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,576
- Nicole is talking about going
on a couple of months
307
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,839
where she would take Giovanna
with her to live.
308
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:31,278
It's called
a Mommy and Me program.
309
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:36,196
I don't personally think she's
ready to take care of Giovanna.
310
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:39,025
You know, I don't think she can
take care of herself yet.
311
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:44,465
Seventeen rehabs, I think.
312
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:46,858
It's not a made-up number.
313
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:48,860
I think that's the actual number
of times
314
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:50,906
she's been in treatment.
315
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,039
And I honestly
don't think Nicole
316
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:55,128
is gonna pull out of this.
317
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:02,483
- ♪ That's why, darling ♪
318
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,441
♪ It's incredible ♪
319
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:08,880
♪ That someone
so unforgettable ♪
320
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:11,013
♪ Thinks that I am ♪
321
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:18,499
♪ Unforgettable, too, ooh ♪
322
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:21,937
[Cheers and applause]
323
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,678
- [Singing indistinctly]
324
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:26,115
♪
325
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:27,464
♪ I think I could understand ♪
326
00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,466
- I've done a lot
of really fucked-up shit
327
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:32,992
in my addiction,
but I love the substance.
328
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:38,780
It completely takes over my mind
and my body.
329
00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:44,351
It makes me do things
that I would never normally do.
330
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:46,962
I have robbed.
331
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,138
I have stolen.
332
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:52,141
I have sold my ass.
333
00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:53,925
And when I become sober again
334
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:55,579
and start thinking about
those things,
335
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,321
in the past, what it has done
is drive me back to relapse
336
00:16:58,365 --> 00:17:00,062
because I feel so guilty
and shameful.
337
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,543
- So proud of you.
[Applause]
338
00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,980
That was awesome.
339
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,896
- Brought tears to my eyes.
340
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:15,251
- We're gonna go pick up G.
341
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:18,907
I pick her up every day,
Monday through Friday.
342
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:22,258
I took her to Chipotle
last night,
343
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:24,347
and they thought
she was my daughter.
344
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:25,783
She's a really good-looking kid,
345
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:27,916
so I was like,
"Yeah, it is my daughter.
346
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,613
What's up?"
347
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,789
Nah, I told them...
I told them she was my niece.
348
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,140
But, you know, like,
people look at me like, "Dude,
349
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:37,447
this guy's taking care
of business," you know?
350
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,713
Put your hood up.
It's cold!
351
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,324
It's cold.
352
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:49,329
[Indistinct talking on television]
353
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:58,251
- Hello!
- [Laughing]
354
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,122
- Zoom in on the crotch.
- Wait. Look, look.
355
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:02,168
You could do a filter
on his face with Snapchat.
356
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:04,039
Look.
Look at my screen.
357
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:07,390
They didn't know
he was 'bout it 'bout it.
358
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:11,655
I realized that I could
make friends in sobriety
359
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:15,529
that would like me for me.
360
00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:17,792
- Of us?
361
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:22,101
- It was a pivotal moment
just to take that leap
362
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:23,798
and just be myself.
363
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:25,800
- This is a tight squeeze.
Your ass can barely fit.
364
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:28,411
- [Laughing]
- I can see it.
365
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:31,153
- I think that's, like,
why Meg and I
366
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,155
are able to, like, stay sober.
367
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,897
- Are you ready, Icky Nikki?
368
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:38,334
- My God.
I'm so excited.
369
00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:41,685
It feels really good.
370
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:44,471
But at the same time,
I still have those thoughts.
371
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,777
It's really fucking crazy.
- Do you believe in aliens?
372
00:18:46,821 --> 00:18:48,866
Yeah, I believe in ali...
We are the aliens.
373
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:52,870
For me, it's almost like
an impending doom.
374
00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:56,265
It's like a creepy,
almost foggy feeling
375
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:59,921
that, like, literally
can take over me.
376
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,924
- ...a different kind of rotating
storm spawns tornadoes.
377
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,099
- I love tornadoes.
378
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,927
- The rotating energy
gets focused
379
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,842
like an atmospheric laser.
380
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,104
- Down past here, right?
381
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,888
We can't even find our way
in a museum.
382
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,629
How are we gonna
get through life?
383
00:19:12,673 --> 00:19:15,371
- But when I am in that space,
384
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:20,855
it's like something
takes over me
385
00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:23,858
and I just get overwhelmed
with all of these things.
386
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:26,165
Like, "Oh, my God.
My mom's mad at me."
387
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:30,038
Like, "I got dumped. Holy shit.
Like, what's wrong with me?
388
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,518
I need to lose 50 pounds
by tomorrow
389
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:33,433
or else nobody's ever
gonna want me."
390
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:37,088
Like, "Oh, my God.
I'm undesirable."
391
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,134
I get overwhelmed
by all these feelings,
392
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,744
and the only thing I know
393
00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:43,617
that can take that away
is to go get high.
394
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,227
- They say you leave off
at the age
395
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:46,924
when you first started using.
396
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:51,886
So I'm like what, 12, really?
- Right.
397
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:55,890
- Look at the trees.
They look like little trees.
398
00:19:55,933 --> 00:20:00,895
♪
399
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,638
- Draw Mommy a picture.
400
00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:06,857
Draw Mommy a picture
with the grapes.
401
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:08,642
- In there!
402
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:09,686
- Show me.
403
00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:11,210
- In there.
- That's the eyes?
404
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,863
Where's the smile?
405
00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:14,169
Good job.
406
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,737
What color is this?
407
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:19,261
- Brown.
- Good job.
408
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,916
- [Both laughing]
409
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,789
- I talked to Dad a little bit
after Christmas
410
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:26,921
when he got gifts,
411
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:29,140
'cause I wanted to thank him
for it,
412
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:31,752
but then kind of, like,
after that,
413
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:33,754
I feel like that kind of
just paved the way for him
414
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,277
to just kind of full force.
415
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,496
We're gonna be playing guitar
and bass together.
416
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,280
We're gonna be doing all that.
417
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:40,978
But he wanted to go
to the parade together.
418
00:20:41,022 --> 00:20:42,763
And I mean,
like, we were planning on it.
419
00:20:42,806 --> 00:20:45,809
But then he got arrested
the night before.
420
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:49,160
And I got a call from Lisa,
and she was just like,
421
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:52,425
"Your father got arrested."
Like, no, tomorrow's a no-go.
422
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:55,645
- He texted me at like 8:15
the night before the parade.
423
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:58,257
Yeah, he got arrested for
hitting somebody over the head
424
00:20:58,300 --> 00:20:59,345
with a fucking cane.
425
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:00,694
- Is that what happened?
- Yeah.
426
00:21:00,737 --> 00:21:03,000
- I tried to get out.
I really did.
427
00:21:03,044 --> 00:21:04,828
His parents,
they would minimize.
428
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:08,005
I'd be like, "He just punched me
in the face the other day,"
429
00:21:08,049 --> 00:21:09,355
and his mom would be like,
430
00:21:09,398 --> 00:21:11,052
"Oh, you're always
just overdoing it."
431
00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:13,010
- Yeah, I haven't seen
Nicole sob...
432
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:16,187
I haven't seen you sober like
this in a while, so...
433
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:18,320
- Yes. No. You're sober.
- Right. I am.
434
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,017
- You are.
- I didn't say you weren't.
435
00:21:20,061 --> 00:21:21,367
- What's going on, Chris?
436
00:21:21,410 --> 00:21:24,021
You're really having a hard time
being kind to her.
437
00:21:24,065 --> 00:21:25,588
- No. I mean, it's not that
438
00:21:25,632 --> 00:21:26,981
I have a hard time
being kind to her.
439
00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:29,244
It's just little shit, you know?
440
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:32,639
Like, you came here, you left
with, like, four bags of shit.
441
00:21:32,682 --> 00:21:35,990
- I can spend my money
how I want to spend my money.
442
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:38,427
When Nicole gets on pass
every other week,
443
00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:40,690
I am feeding my own soul, too.
444
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:43,476
I get to spend time
with my sober daughter
445
00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:46,609
and my granddaughter, and we
get to do things together.
446
00:21:46,653 --> 00:21:47,958
And it's not accompanied
447
00:21:48,002 --> 00:21:51,048
with her trying to get drugs
at the same time.
448
00:21:51,092 --> 00:21:53,921
- People in early recovery,
which she still is in
449
00:21:53,964 --> 00:21:57,881
until she has a year,
shouldn't get shit.
450
00:21:57,925 --> 00:22:00,057
I'm not trying to be a dick.
It's just the way it is.
451
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:01,798
- You are being.
- Well, I mean,
452
00:22:01,842 --> 00:22:04,061
I would like to see my sister
succeed when she gets older.
453
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:06,194
She overdosed like four times
last year.
454
00:22:06,237 --> 00:22:09,110
- I'm trying to show her love.
- Yes, you showed her love.
455
00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:10,416
There's other ways.
456
00:22:10,459 --> 00:22:12,809
- I agree with Chris on this.
- Thank you, Steve.
457
00:22:12,853 --> 00:22:15,072
I just think that there's been
a couple of things
458
00:22:15,116 --> 00:22:18,380
in the past year or so in
Nicole's journey
459
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:20,382
to recovery that I...
460
00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:22,645
- Steve, you visited yesterday.
461
00:22:22,689 --> 00:22:26,432
- I'm glad Nicole's alive,
so there's that.
462
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:30,653
- I go through this process
of, like, getting sober,
463
00:22:30,697 --> 00:22:36,267
and I have one friend,
who is Megan,
464
00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:39,053
and she, like,
holds me accountable,
465
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:43,100
and, like, her insurance
is running out.
466
00:22:43,144 --> 00:22:44,841
I just don't want her to go,
467
00:22:44,885 --> 00:22:47,757
and I don't want to fucking go
anywhere else.
468
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:50,194
Again, again, again,
again, again.
469
00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:54,024
It's just shitty, but I know
I have to, so it's just...
470
00:22:54,938 --> 00:22:56,070
Um...
471
00:22:56,113 --> 00:22:59,290
♪
472
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:01,641
It's really nice
when you find somebody
473
00:23:01,684 --> 00:23:05,079
that, like, actually,
you know...
474
00:23:05,122 --> 00:23:07,081
- Right.
- ...gives a shit about you.
475
00:23:07,124 --> 00:23:15,089
♪
476
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:21,312
♪
477
00:23:24,751 --> 00:23:26,666
- He said it to me this morning.
478
00:23:26,709 --> 00:23:27,841
He's like, "She's just gonna
- He saioverdose and die.
479
00:23:27,884 --> 00:23:28,929
We might as well
just get it over with."
480
00:23:28,972 --> 00:23:31,671
It's because he's afraid
to open up.
481
00:23:32,802 --> 00:23:34,151
- Right.
482
00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:36,023
- Well, maybe Christopher
is acting that way
483
00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:37,764
'cause it is, like,
we're getting on that...
484
00:23:37,807 --> 00:23:38,939
- Yeah.
- ...time.
485
00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:41,202
- Mm-hmm.
486
00:23:41,245 --> 00:23:44,466
She's gonna have to transition
to a new place, and...
487
00:23:44,510 --> 00:23:46,468
usually that doesn't go well.
488
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,122
She'll get wherever she's going,
489
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:49,645
she'll find fault
with everything.
490
00:23:49,689 --> 00:23:51,299
She leaves.
It's the same old thing.
491
00:23:51,342 --> 00:23:54,389
It's... It's...
- What if it's not this time?
492
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,565
- I don't know what I should do.
493
00:23:56,609 --> 00:23:59,220
Should I just go to the recovery
house and stay around here?
494
00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:02,397
- I don't know. I don't want
to give you, like, my advice
495
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:04,007
because it's one-sided.
496
00:24:04,051 --> 00:24:07,141
- I feel like there's something
different this time.
497
00:24:07,184 --> 00:24:10,753
- Yeah. You always say that.
- What else am I supposed to say?
498
00:24:10,797 --> 00:24:13,495
- Well, you have to give yourself
some hope, I guess.
499
00:24:14,409 --> 00:24:17,804
- Okay.
[Sighs]
500
00:24:17,847 --> 00:24:21,721
I really, really think...
that right now,
501
00:24:21,764 --> 00:24:26,421
where she is right now,
how she is right now...
502
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,597
if you could just show
some affection,
503
00:24:28,641 --> 00:24:30,164
it might make a difference.
504
00:24:30,207 --> 00:24:31,905
- It's always been that way
and it's always been,
505
00:24:31,948 --> 00:24:33,820
"Oh, she just needs
one more thing to get..."
506
00:24:33,863 --> 00:24:35,561
- I'm not saying
it's the cure-all.
507
00:24:35,604 --> 00:24:37,301
I'm saying it might...
508
00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:40,479
Just this time, I'm feeling like
it might make a difference
509
00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:44,352
if you throw her
some words of encouragement.
510
00:24:44,395 --> 00:24:45,745
Something.
511
00:24:45,788 --> 00:24:47,747
- I want you to stay close
to me, so...
512
00:24:47,790 --> 00:24:51,011
- It's selfish, not one-sided.
- Well, yeah, it's selfish.
513
00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:52,795
And I want what's best for you.
514
00:24:52,839 --> 00:24:54,449
So I don't think
you should listen to me.
515
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:56,320
- Where are you going after?
- I don't fucking know.
516
00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:58,453
- Don't you think you should
start thinking about that?
517
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,760
- She's 29 years old.
518
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:04,503
- She's not 29, and you know it.
She's like 16.
519
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:08,855
I'm just asking you
to understand
520
00:25:08,898 --> 00:25:11,640
where I'm coming from.
That's all.
521
00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:13,773
I'm trying to put...
- I understand that.
522
00:25:13,816 --> 00:25:14,991
You know, of course,
when she's 30
523
00:25:15,035 --> 00:25:17,428
and it's still
the same thing for...
524
00:25:17,472 --> 00:25:19,822
It's not like, you know,
she's asking us,
525
00:25:19,866 --> 00:25:21,868
"Here, watch my kid
for the weekend."
526
00:25:21,911 --> 00:25:24,784
It's like a two-decade
commitment she put on everybody.
527
00:25:24,827 --> 00:25:28,091
- You only have like
a month or two.
528
00:25:28,135 --> 00:25:30,093
- Two if I'm lucky.
529
00:25:30,137 --> 00:25:32,269
- So you're not thinking
of where you're going after?
530
00:25:32,313 --> 00:25:33,575
- I am, actually.
531
00:25:33,619 --> 00:25:35,838
- Where are you gonna go?
- I have no clue, Meg.
532
00:25:35,882 --> 00:25:38,275
- It's not a little thing,
is my point.
533
00:25:38,319 --> 00:25:40,669
You don't get to put
that responsibility on someone
534
00:25:40,713 --> 00:25:44,455
and not have... have to take
some of the blame for it.
535
00:25:44,499 --> 00:25:47,154
And if the blame means you
feeling bad for a little while,
536
00:25:47,197 --> 00:25:49,025
you're gonna feel bad
for a little while.
537
00:25:49,069 --> 00:25:51,462
- She wakes up feeling bad.
She goes to bed feeling bad.
538
00:25:51,506 --> 00:25:53,247
She feels bad
when she takes a shit.
539
00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:55,031
She feels bad when she breathes.
540
00:25:55,075 --> 00:25:58,252
I'm telling you that.
She's living in hell.
541
00:25:58,295 --> 00:26:00,515
- What point do you say
enough is enough?
542
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:03,605
- I don't know. What if she had
cancer and she kept re...
543
00:26:03,649 --> 00:26:05,259
It's not... It isn't...
544
00:26:05,302 --> 00:26:07,391
- People with cancer don't ruin
your daily life.
545
00:26:07,435 --> 00:26:09,480
They don't go through your
wallet while you're sleeping.
546
00:26:09,524 --> 00:26:11,526
They don't forge checks.
547
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:15,008
They don't get arrested becaue
they're trying to buy chemo.
548
00:26:15,051 --> 00:26:17,488
You can't compare it.
549
00:26:18,185 --> 00:26:21,275
- Part of the fallout
from a disease.
550
00:26:21,318 --> 00:26:27,673
- She... There's a toxicity
to having her around.
551
00:26:27,716 --> 00:26:32,895
♪
552
00:26:32,939 --> 00:26:37,900
♪
553
00:26:37,944 --> 00:26:42,513
- I don't ever really feel
like a good mom.
554
00:26:44,428 --> 00:26:46,953
I never really did.
555
00:26:46,996 --> 00:26:53,699
I feel like I'm always waiting
for a shoe to drop.
556
00:26:53,742 --> 00:26:57,703
And Nicole turned to me
and she said,
557
00:26:57,746 --> 00:26:59,705
"You know, Mom,
imagine how I feel.
558
00:26:59,748 --> 00:27:02,708
I smoked crack in the car
with my kid.
559
00:27:02,751 --> 00:27:05,101
And you have to raise my kid.
560
00:27:05,145 --> 00:27:07,538
Imagine the shame
that goes into that.
561
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:10,933
So you're still doing better
than me."
562
00:27:10,977 --> 00:27:16,199
♪
563
00:27:16,243 --> 00:27:19,376
- I tried kicking you all out.
You keep coming back.
564
00:27:19,420 --> 00:27:20,856
♪ I'm not an addict ♪
565
00:27:20,900 --> 00:27:23,772
- I mean,
I learned from my mistakes.
566
00:27:23,816 --> 00:27:26,340
- I learned
from my mistakes, too.
567
00:27:26,383 --> 00:27:27,950
- Which one, dude?
- All of them.
568
00:27:27,994 --> 00:27:30,605
- Name one.
- What are you talking about?
569
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:33,913
- I don't think that's fair.
I think she's trying.
570
00:27:33,956 --> 00:27:35,741
- Yeah.
- No, you're trying.
571
00:27:35,784 --> 00:27:37,307
You're trying.
572
00:27:37,351 --> 00:27:39,179
You'll get there.
- What are you talking about?
573
00:27:39,222 --> 00:27:41,224
- You'll get there, though, Nic.
You'll get there.
574
00:27:41,268 --> 00:27:43,749
- Okay, Chris, why don't you try
getting there a little yourself
575
00:27:43,792 --> 00:27:45,533
before you pass judgment
on other people?
576
00:27:45,576 --> 00:27:48,057
- I'm in there, dude.
- I don't think so, buddy.
577
00:27:48,101 --> 00:27:49,537
- It's just shit
you need to hear.
578
00:27:49,580 --> 00:27:50,756
You know what I mean?
Nobody else...
579
00:27:50,799 --> 00:27:52,496
- Baby, I think you need
to step back
580
00:27:52,540 --> 00:27:54,629
and, like, stare in the mirror
and say some of this shit.
581
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:55,761
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
582
00:27:55,804 --> 00:27:57,806
- Okay.
- Why are you mad now?
583
00:27:57,850 --> 00:28:00,635
- What?
- Why are you mad now?
584
00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:01,941
- Nothing.
Because I just...
585
00:28:01,984 --> 00:28:03,638
Like I said, I'm just trying
to tell an addict
586
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:05,509
what they need to hear,
and I get shut down for it.
587
00:28:05,553 --> 00:28:07,903
- Why do you think that
you know what I need to hear?
588
00:28:07,947 --> 00:28:09,470
You drink and smoke pot.
589
00:28:09,513 --> 00:28:10,906
Why would I want your opinion
on how to get sober?
590
00:28:10,950 --> 00:28:12,778
- So, where's your knowledge
of this?
591
00:28:12,821 --> 00:28:14,605
Oh, and you're locking
your daughter out
592
00:28:14,649 --> 00:28:16,999
because you want a confrontation
with me.
593
00:28:17,043 --> 00:28:18,522
This is shit
that I'm talking about.
594
00:28:18,566 --> 00:28:21,482
If you don't want my opinion,
then you're not ready.
595
00:28:21,525 --> 00:28:23,397
- Why do you hold your opinion
in such high regard?
596
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,051
- Because I'm one of the people
597
00:28:25,094 --> 00:28:28,010
that you put through a shitload
of shit every fucking day,
598
00:28:28,054 --> 00:28:29,925
and you don't even realize it,
but you don't want
599
00:28:29,969 --> 00:28:31,405
my fucking opinion?
- No, I don't.
600
00:28:31,448 --> 00:28:33,059
- That makes no sense to me,
Nicole.
601
00:28:33,102 --> 00:28:35,191
I wake up and I fucking
help your daughter.
602
00:28:35,235 --> 00:28:37,106
- You take care of her because...
- Are you serious?
603
00:28:37,150 --> 00:28:38,281
- ...you're living
at Mom's house.
604
00:28:38,325 --> 00:28:39,718
- Don't fucking play me
like that.
605
00:28:39,761 --> 00:28:41,458
- Why are you back
at Mom's house?
606
00:28:41,502 --> 00:28:43,025
- I'm here to help Mom take cae
of your daughter.
607
00:28:43,069 --> 00:28:44,984
- Mom called you and said,
"Chris, I need your help.
608
00:28:45,027 --> 00:28:46,986
Transfer out of West Chester"?
609
00:28:47,029 --> 00:28:49,118
- No, I called Mom because Im
a fucking courteous person.
610
00:28:49,162 --> 00:28:51,381
- You don't think that it has
anything to do with the fact
611
00:28:51,425 --> 00:28:53,514
that you continuously tried
to kill yourself?
612
00:28:53,557 --> 00:28:56,299
- No, I tried to kill myself once
because I was depressed.
613
00:28:56,343 --> 00:28:58,693
Obviously.
Like, look at what goes around.
614
00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:00,869
But right now,
I'm a straight-A student.
615
00:29:00,913 --> 00:29:03,654
You know, I have a job.
- I'm not talking about now.
616
00:29:03,698 --> 00:29:05,526
I'm talking about your transfer
from West Chester
617
00:29:05,569 --> 00:29:07,354
back to Mom's house.
618
00:29:07,397 --> 00:29:09,051
- I'm here because I'm
helping out with your daughter.
619
00:29:09,095 --> 00:29:10,531
- No, that's not the truth.
- No, no, no.
620
00:29:10,574 --> 00:29:12,446
'Cause you're gonna keep
interrupting me now.
621
00:29:12,489 --> 00:29:14,056
You're stuck in a recovery house
all day.
622
00:29:14,100 --> 00:29:15,666
I don't even talk to you.
623
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:17,843
- Because I am sober and you're
jealous because you're not?
624
00:29:17,886 --> 00:29:19,322
- Bro, you can't be serious
right now.
625
00:29:19,366 --> 00:29:20,802
- Yeah, I am serious.
- I'm gonna walk out.
626
00:29:20,846 --> 00:29:22,717
- So if you fucking piss
in a cup right now,
627
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,893
it will be totally clean?
- Yeah, it will.
628
00:29:24,937 --> 00:29:27,113
You want to go buy it?
- Go get a fucking drug test
629
00:29:27,156 --> 00:29:28,331
and prove me wrong,
and then I'll stand here
630
00:29:28,375 --> 00:29:29,942
and listen to this
fucking bullshit.
631
00:29:29,985 --> 00:29:31,857
Everything that's coming out
of your mouth right now
632
00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:33,684
is fucking ridiculous.
633
00:29:33,728 --> 00:29:35,904
- Let me say one thing. Okay?
- You say one thing. Go ahead.
634
00:29:35,948 --> 00:29:40,474
- If I'm getting high, how come
I can get A's, work, and coach,
635
00:29:40,517 --> 00:29:42,955
but you still sit on your ass
all day?
636
00:29:42,998 --> 00:29:44,826
So how come...
If I'm getting high,
637
00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:47,307
how come I can still take care
of all my shit
638
00:29:47,350 --> 00:29:48,308
and you can't do shit?
639
00:29:48,351 --> 00:29:50,136
- Prove me wrong!
Go take a test!
640
00:29:50,179 --> 00:29:51,485
- All right.
Conversation's over.
641
00:29:51,528 --> 00:29:53,269
- Well, how come I can live life?
642
00:29:53,313 --> 00:29:55,402
- I could live life when I was
going to Anthem
643
00:29:55,445 --> 00:29:56,577
and getting high all day
and got A's all day.
644
00:29:56,620 --> 00:29:58,535
- I'm the one taking care
of your daughter.
645
00:29:58,579 --> 00:29:59,885
- Yo!
- You don't do shit.
646
00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:02,235
- Conversation's over.
I'm tired of this.
647
00:30:02,278 --> 00:30:05,978
- Get the fuck out, dude.
- Christopher, get out.
648
00:30:06,021 --> 00:30:09,068
- Fucking scumbag.
Fuck out of here.
649
00:30:16,989 --> 00:30:18,512
- Like, I struggle to even feel
650
00:30:18,555 --> 00:30:22,124
a part of this whole unit
to begin with.
651
00:30:24,126 --> 00:30:25,954
I think it's just easier
at this point
652
00:30:25,998 --> 00:30:27,956
for everybody
if I just fucking go down,
653
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,307
because nobody's used to me
doing the right thing.
654
00:30:40,186 --> 00:30:42,405
I just don't know how to be.
655
00:30:42,449 --> 00:30:43,580
- I understand that.
656
00:30:43,624 --> 00:30:45,147
- No, I...
- I understand that.
657
00:30:45,191 --> 00:30:46,932
- I don't know how to be.
658
00:30:46,975 --> 00:30:48,585
Like, I don't know how to be
around my daughter.
659
00:30:48,629 --> 00:30:50,065
I don't know how to be.
660
00:30:50,109 --> 00:30:53,416
- Maybe it is time for you
to start figuring that out.
661
00:30:53,460 --> 00:30:55,549
What do you think...
662
00:30:55,592 --> 00:31:00,554
Put your friend Megan aside,
whether you could have visitors.
663
00:31:00,597 --> 00:31:03,731
What do you think you need next?
664
00:31:03,774 --> 00:31:05,385
Not what other people think.
665
00:31:05,428 --> 00:31:07,126
What do you need next?
666
00:31:11,391 --> 00:31:14,002
- Like, I'm here.
I have all this freedom.
667
00:31:14,046 --> 00:31:16,875
It doesn't make sense to go
to a place
668
00:31:16,918 --> 00:31:22,184
where it's, like, I'm far away,
I don't see my daughter,
669
00:31:22,228 --> 00:31:24,752
I don't have a cellphone.
670
00:31:24,795 --> 00:31:27,015
I...
671
00:31:27,059 --> 00:31:30,236
[Sighs]
I can't live like that.
672
00:31:31,237 --> 00:31:34,109
I don't want to feel like
I'm being punished.
673
00:31:36,242 --> 00:31:38,157
♪
674
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,855
G, you're running around
with poopy butt.
675
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,988
- [Laughing]
- Come here.
676
00:31:43,031 --> 00:31:47,122
♪
677
00:31:47,166 --> 00:31:49,690
Aah!
- [Laughing]
678
00:31:49,733 --> 00:31:51,866
Mommy!
679
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:54,173
- Aah!
- [Laughing]
680
00:31:54,216 --> 00:31:58,046
♪
681
00:31:58,090 --> 00:32:00,527
So now I come back,
and I have to go pee in a cup.
682
00:32:00,570 --> 00:32:03,660
- So why did I get one?
- Because they probably thought
683
00:32:03,704 --> 00:32:06,968
that maybe you were
getting high, baby.
684
00:32:07,012 --> 00:32:10,363
♪
685
00:32:10,406 --> 00:32:13,583
Thank you, as always.
686
00:32:13,627 --> 00:32:14,889
Lovely.
687
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:16,586
I wish people would ask me
what it feels like
688
00:32:16,630 --> 00:32:19,111
to not put my daughter to sleep
every night.
689
00:32:19,154 --> 00:32:21,069
I can go upstairs now if I want?
690
00:32:21,113 --> 00:32:25,030
Or I wish family
would embrace me.
691
00:32:25,073 --> 00:32:30,513
♪
692
00:32:30,557 --> 00:32:34,039
- I'm not saying
that people aren't allowed
693
00:32:34,082 --> 00:32:35,954
to feel the way
they're allowed to feel.
694
00:32:35,997 --> 00:32:41,872
I'm just saying that she needs
more time clean to get there.
695
00:32:41,916 --> 00:32:44,614
She's not gonna
get there right now.
696
00:32:44,658 --> 00:32:47,008
- I think you had
more mental capacity
697
00:32:47,052 --> 00:32:52,274
going into your recovery at 18
than she does today at 29.
698
00:32:52,318 --> 00:32:54,276
- I don't know.
Jesus, can you not die?
699
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,539
Can you just stop
doing heroin, please?
700
00:32:56,583 --> 00:32:58,367
Can you get a job
and take care of your kid?
701
00:32:58,411 --> 00:33:02,023
It's all anybody asks.
That's why it's so frustrating.
702
00:33:02,067 --> 00:33:04,199
Just get a job and take care
of your fucking kid.
703
00:33:04,243 --> 00:33:05,984
- If it was that easy,
704
00:33:06,027 --> 00:33:09,770
64,000 people in this country
wouldn't have died last year.
705
00:33:09,813 --> 00:33:11,250
It's not that easy.
706
00:33:11,293 --> 00:33:14,340
- They don't have what Nicole
has... the support system.
707
00:33:14,383 --> 00:33:17,169
The fact that you would never
let her go out in the streets,
708
00:33:17,212 --> 00:33:19,562
even though if I was her dad
or her mother...
709
00:33:19,606 --> 00:33:22,261
- There are people that I know
that are better than me,
710
00:33:22,304 --> 00:33:24,002
way better at this than I am,
711
00:33:24,045 --> 00:33:26,700
friends that I have that I went
to their kids' funerals
712
00:33:26,743 --> 00:33:29,311
this year, last year,
the year before
713
00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:32,097
that I wish I was as good
a parent as they are.
714
00:33:32,140 --> 00:33:34,795
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
715
00:33:38,146 --> 00:33:46,328
♪
716
00:33:46,372 --> 00:33:50,245
- I am not perfect
in my recovery at all.
717
00:33:51,942 --> 00:33:54,119
I have fucked up in every way,
shape, or form.
718
00:33:54,162 --> 00:33:56,338
I just have not used.
[Claps hands]
719
00:33:56,382 --> 00:34:00,168
I just have not
fucking gotten high.
720
00:34:00,212 --> 00:34:02,388
I went and met up with G's dad,
721
00:34:02,431 --> 00:34:04,738
and, like, you know,
we've had relations,
722
00:34:04,781 --> 00:34:09,308
and I've intentionally started
drama.
723
00:34:09,351 --> 00:34:12,528
I've been a shit-stirrer.
724
00:34:12,572 --> 00:34:17,794
I've done...
a lot of nut-ass bullshit.
725
00:34:17,838 --> 00:34:19,144
♪
726
00:34:19,187 --> 00:34:21,494
We get sober.
727
00:34:21,537 --> 00:34:24,584
We don't get sane or better.
728
00:34:24,627 --> 00:34:28,109
♪
729
00:34:28,153 --> 00:34:31,678
- I think you get conditioned
to be a minimizer.
730
00:34:31,721 --> 00:34:35,812
And because my mom was an addict
with her eating disorder,
731
00:34:35,856 --> 00:34:37,423
our house was about her.
732
00:34:37,466 --> 00:34:40,382
It was about keeping
her addiction alive.
733
00:34:41,731 --> 00:34:46,606
When I was younger, I was at the
beach really having a great day.
734
00:34:46,649 --> 00:34:48,390
It was starting to rain.
735
00:34:48,434 --> 00:34:49,739
I walked home,
736
00:34:49,783 --> 00:34:55,745
and a family friend lured me in
and molested me.
737
00:34:56,833 --> 00:34:59,445
I was 9.
738
00:34:59,488 --> 00:35:02,012
And I was walking home
from that,
739
00:35:02,056 --> 00:35:03,318
and my dad was looking for me,
740
00:35:03,362 --> 00:35:05,407
and he said,
"Where have you been?"
741
00:35:05,451 --> 00:35:08,149
And I told him,
"This is what happened."
742
00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:10,064
He got silent,
and he looked at me,
743
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:13,023
and he said, "Your mom's having
a really hard day.
744
00:35:13,067 --> 00:35:16,810
She's really weak,
and she hasn't been eating.
745
00:35:16,853 --> 00:35:19,160
We're not gonna discuss that
when you get home.
746
00:35:19,204 --> 00:35:21,336
We can't handle that."
747
00:35:21,380 --> 00:35:24,687
That's really the message
I got over and over again
748
00:35:24,731 --> 00:35:26,167
throughout my life.
749
00:35:28,082 --> 00:35:33,218
That demon that ran through
my mother runs through Nicole.
750
00:35:33,261 --> 00:35:36,351
- Oh, shit.
- I'm about to die.
751
00:35:36,395 --> 00:35:38,397
- Fuck, dude.
Let me get my weapon!
752
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:42,052
It's literally not letting me
get my weapon.
753
00:35:42,096 --> 00:35:43,576
All right.
Whatever.
754
00:35:43,619 --> 00:35:45,230
I didn't have anybody
on my team.
755
00:35:45,273 --> 00:35:51,671
♪
756
00:35:51,714 --> 00:35:57,938
♪
757
00:35:57,981 --> 00:35:59,505
- What's important
758
00:35:59,548 --> 00:36:03,291
is that you start having
a relationship with yourself.
759
00:36:03,335 --> 00:36:06,164
So when somebody leaves
or somebody moves
760
00:36:06,207 --> 00:36:07,643
or whatever it is,
761
00:36:07,687 --> 00:36:11,125
you're not, like, completely
100% dependent on them.
762
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,213
- Yeah. No.
I know.
763
00:36:12,257 --> 00:36:15,129
- You know?
I mean, like, I get it.
764
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,609
I'm codependent too.
I get it.
765
00:36:16,652 --> 00:36:19,873
But my point is that you have to
at least find
766
00:36:19,916 --> 00:36:23,181
some kind of connection
with yourself,
767
00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:26,227
like, where you like
hanging out with you.
768
00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:29,448
- Yeah. I am getting there.
- You are?
769
00:36:29,491 --> 00:36:31,406
You can do this transition.
You can't live...
770
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:35,323
You can't live in Womanspace
forever.
771
00:36:35,367 --> 00:36:37,543
You have to make the transition,
remember?
772
00:36:37,586 --> 00:36:40,546
- I know. I just feel like I
don't have a purpose right now.
773
00:36:40,589 --> 00:36:44,463
- You do.
You have a big purpose.
774
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:49,685
It's cold outside.
775
00:36:52,253 --> 00:36:53,428
- Got your doughnut.
776
00:36:53,472 --> 00:36:55,691
- Yay.
- Right?
777
00:36:55,735 --> 00:36:57,867
- Delicious.
- So delicious.
778
00:36:57,911 --> 00:37:01,741
Want to go to the zoo
and see all the animals?
779
00:37:01,784 --> 00:37:04,961
[Gasps]
With Mommy.
780
00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:07,747
Want to go with Mommy?
- Mm-hmm.
781
00:37:07,790 --> 00:37:08,791
- Okay.
782
00:37:11,794 --> 00:37:14,144
We're at the zoo.
783
00:37:14,188 --> 00:37:16,799
We're at the zoo!
784
00:37:16,843 --> 00:37:18,323
- You got both of us.
785
00:37:18,366 --> 00:37:22,936
- [Gasps] Look, G. Over there!
I think those are zebras.
786
00:37:22,979 --> 00:37:25,721
Go, go, go.
787
00:37:25,765 --> 00:37:30,073
And then you can go like this.
Big, big step.
788
00:37:30,117 --> 00:37:31,205
- [Laughs]
789
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:34,556
- You coming?
- You coming?
790
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,733
You're gonna stay here
with the monkeys?
791
00:37:37,777 --> 00:37:41,563
- You want to go see the cats?
- Come on.
792
00:37:46,829 --> 00:37:48,527
Oh, man.
793
00:37:50,398 --> 00:37:51,747
Mommy's a second-class citizen.
794
00:37:51,791 --> 00:37:55,882
- When Nicole comes around,
she tries to show up
795
00:37:55,925 --> 00:37:59,015
as if she's taking care of G
all the time.
796
00:37:59,059 --> 00:38:00,321
And that's difficult.
797
00:38:00,365 --> 00:38:02,584
- You want to wear my sunglasses?
798
00:38:06,022 --> 00:38:07,197
Cool, dude.
799
00:38:07,241 --> 00:38:09,939
- [Crying]
- What's wrong? What's wrong?
800
00:38:09,983 --> 00:38:13,247
What's wrong?
Oh, your knee hurts?
801
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:20,298
- It's very hard for me to watch
her be parented all the way,
802
00:38:20,341 --> 00:38:21,995
especially when I'm there.
803
00:38:22,038 --> 00:38:24,258
- I don't think she should go
up there that high.
804
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,434
- Mom, she's fine.
805
00:38:26,478 --> 00:38:29,045
- Do you mind climbing up there?
806
00:38:29,089 --> 00:38:30,264
It's making me nervous.
807
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:31,787
- Mom, she's fine.
Let her go.
808
00:38:31,831 --> 00:38:34,790
There's other kids in there
her size.
809
00:38:34,834 --> 00:38:37,271
- I know, but if any of them...
810
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,012
- So what?
She'll get over it.
811
00:38:39,055 --> 00:38:41,319
She's fine.
It's good for her.
812
00:38:41,362 --> 00:38:43,582
[Indistinct conversations]
813
00:38:47,977 --> 00:38:51,285
I don't want to go an hour away
because I want to be able
814
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,113
to see my child
as much as I see her now.
815
00:38:53,156 --> 00:38:55,550
That's it. I want to be able
to get to my mom's studio...
816
00:38:55,594 --> 00:38:57,857
- And your...
All your support's here.
817
00:38:57,900 --> 00:38:59,859
- Yeah, all my supports are here.
I don't want...
818
00:38:59,902 --> 00:39:02,122
- Your meetings.
It's very unsettling.
819
00:39:02,165 --> 00:39:03,558
- Yeah, it is unsettling.
820
00:39:03,602 --> 00:39:04,646
There's a lot
of fucking bullshit
821
00:39:04,690 --> 00:39:06,474
that's going on
that's unsettling.
822
00:39:06,518 --> 00:39:08,694
- Yeah.
- You know, I'm over here
823
00:39:08,737 --> 00:39:11,044
working my ass off
to stay sober,
824
00:39:11,087 --> 00:39:12,828
to, like, do the right thing.
825
00:39:12,872 --> 00:39:15,309
I'll have seven months in May.
826
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:20,053
And my entire family decides
that they're going to Las Vegas
827
00:39:20,096 --> 00:39:23,230
on my daughter's third birthday
for this fucking wedding.
828
00:39:23,273 --> 00:39:26,146
I've been asking my mom
for weeks.
829
00:39:26,189 --> 00:39:29,192
"You promise you're not going
to this fucking wedding?"
830
00:39:29,236 --> 00:39:33,501
- Sometimes these consequences,
they just keep coming.
831
00:39:33,545 --> 00:39:35,851
And it's, like, in some ways,
a test to say,
832
00:39:35,895 --> 00:39:38,288
"You know, are you rea...
Do you really want this?
833
00:39:38,332 --> 00:39:40,334
Like, how committed are you?"
834
00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:42,902
- I want my daughter to stay here
so I can sing "Happy Birthday"
835
00:39:42,945 --> 00:39:45,339
to her for the first time
on her birthday.
836
00:39:45,383 --> 00:39:47,167
I've earned that.
837
00:39:47,210 --> 00:39:49,082
- So it's about G.
838
00:39:49,125 --> 00:39:51,084
It's about being robbed
839
00:39:51,127 --> 00:39:52,912
of your time with her
on her birthday.
840
00:39:52,955 --> 00:39:53,956
- On her birthday.
841
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,306
Meanwhile,
there goes Christopher
842
00:39:56,350 --> 00:39:57,873
on the plane with my daughter.
843
00:39:57,917 --> 00:39:59,440
You know what I mean?
- So I think...
844
00:39:59,484 --> 00:40:01,834
- So he can go play daddy
with my child in Vegas.
845
00:40:01,877 --> 00:40:04,750
- But he's not playing...
- But he does, though.
846
00:40:04,793 --> 00:40:07,622
- I'm worried about all these
transitionings happening
847
00:40:07,666 --> 00:40:09,232
right with G's birthday.
848
00:40:09,276 --> 00:40:14,324
Like, all of it happening
at the same time is a lot...
849
00:40:14,368 --> 00:40:15,500
almost too much.
850
00:40:15,543 --> 00:40:17,719
- Dude, it already is too much.
851
00:40:17,763 --> 00:40:24,160
♪
852
00:40:24,204 --> 00:40:30,253
♪
853
00:40:30,297 --> 00:40:33,909
- It's really important
not to fixate on these dates.
854
00:40:33,953 --> 00:40:37,130
It can just be another day
that you celebrate them.
855
00:40:37,173 --> 00:40:40,002
- For you,
that's easy for you to say.
856
00:40:40,046 --> 00:40:41,613
- It's easy for me to say,
really?
857
00:40:41,656 --> 00:40:44,398
You want to know how many
birthdays I had to put down
858
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:45,965
because of all this shit?
859
00:40:46,008 --> 00:40:47,749
Don't say that to me.
860
00:40:47,793 --> 00:40:50,230
I know exactly
what I'm talking about.
861
00:40:50,273 --> 00:40:52,754
Easy for me to say.
862
00:40:52,798 --> 00:40:54,495
No, it's not.
I get it.
863
00:40:54,539 --> 00:40:57,193
But I also understand.
- No, I don't think so.
864
00:40:57,237 --> 00:40:59,805
- Okay.
865
00:40:59,848 --> 00:41:01,328
- No.
I'm sorry.
866
00:41:01,371 --> 00:41:03,678
I just think that you know
what it feels like,
867
00:41:03,722 --> 00:41:04,984
like that, like...
868
00:41:05,027 --> 00:41:07,334
- I do. I know...
I know what pain feels like.
869
00:41:07,377 --> 00:41:09,771
- No, you don't. Like,
I'm sitting here by myself
870
00:41:09,815 --> 00:41:13,209
while my whole family...
- You know what, Nicole?
871
00:41:13,253 --> 00:41:16,169
You know what? You know what?
I'm done.
872
00:41:16,212 --> 00:41:18,606
This is what I'm gonna do.
I didn't get the tickets yet.
873
00:41:18,650 --> 00:41:21,261
I'm not going 'cause
I can't listen to it anymore.
874
00:41:21,304 --> 00:41:24,003
I'm just not gonna go.
This way, you can be happy,
875
00:41:24,046 --> 00:41:25,787
and I'll do something else
another time.
876
00:41:25,831 --> 00:41:27,223
I'm not doing this anymore.
877
00:41:27,267 --> 00:41:29,399
I can't listen to this
for two more months
878
00:41:29,443 --> 00:41:32,533
and make it be my fault that
things aren't going your way.
879
00:41:32,577 --> 00:41:34,361
I just can't do it anymore.
880
00:41:37,886 --> 00:41:40,193
Can't do it anymore.
881
00:41:40,236 --> 00:41:46,591
♪
882
00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:49,419
♪
883
00:41:53,772 --> 00:41:57,427
When I was raising you kids,
you know the mayhem we lived in.
884
00:41:57,471 --> 00:42:00,561
I didn't get an opportunity
to grow as a mother
885
00:42:00,605 --> 00:42:02,389
the way normal mothers
get to grow.
886
00:42:02,432 --> 00:42:04,565
I went to school
for early childhood education
887
00:42:04,609 --> 00:42:06,088
just to learn
how to do it right,
888
00:42:06,132 --> 00:42:08,395
'cause I was so set
on being a good mom.
889
00:42:08,438 --> 00:42:09,831
And, Chris,
I was a lot like you.
890
00:42:09,875 --> 00:42:11,441
I was very argumentative
in school.
891
00:42:11,485 --> 00:42:13,661
I fought with everybody.
I knew everything.
892
00:42:13,705 --> 00:42:16,403
I'm just doing what the book
says, right, with Nicole.
893
00:42:16,446 --> 00:42:18,840
I'm like, "Nicole,
this is blah, blah, blah."
894
00:42:18,884 --> 00:42:20,973
And she's responding to me
the way the book said
895
00:42:21,016 --> 00:42:23,062
she was going to,
and I'm feeling pretty proud
896
00:42:23,105 --> 00:42:24,846
'cause I'm in my early 20s.
897
00:42:24,890 --> 00:42:26,979
And your dad busts in
high on cocaine,
898
00:42:27,022 --> 00:42:30,069
freaks out, throws...
throws the door open,
899
00:42:30,112 --> 00:42:33,289
screams at her,
throws her against the wall.
900
00:42:33,333 --> 00:42:34,856
And then... And then I can't...
901
00:42:34,900 --> 00:42:36,902
Like, then everything changes,
right?
902
00:42:36,945 --> 00:42:39,252
And that's how motherhood went
for me.
903
00:42:39,295 --> 00:42:44,300
So now I'm at this point,
trying to fix it all.
904
00:42:44,344 --> 00:42:46,389
- I think you need
to give yourself
905
00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:47,913
a little more credit, Mom.
- I don't know about you guys,
906
00:42:47,956 --> 00:42:51,438
but I think I am pretty mindful
about enabling you guys.
907
00:42:51,481 --> 00:42:53,527
Would you say that
or would you think that...
908
00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:56,095
- I would definitely
most certainly say that.
909
00:42:56,138 --> 00:42:58,140
- I work at that, right?
That's every day.
910
00:42:58,184 --> 00:43:00,186
Because it's... I want to slip
back into enabling.
911
00:43:00,229 --> 00:43:02,754
Like, I would much rather hand
you all $100 right now
912
00:43:02,797 --> 00:43:04,582
and see a big smile on your face
913
00:43:04,625 --> 00:43:07,149
and that makes me feel good
and I get to walk out the door.
914
00:43:07,193 --> 00:43:09,456
That's my fallback.
Do you know what I mean?
915
00:43:09,499 --> 00:43:12,372
What I do every day
is a lot harder.
916
00:43:12,415 --> 00:43:16,637
And, um, like, with you...
917
00:43:16,681 --> 00:43:17,899
[Sighs]
918
00:43:17,943 --> 00:43:21,381
If I fall back, I don't die.
919
00:43:23,252 --> 00:43:26,647
- Yeah. But I also think that
there's a difference between,
920
00:43:26,691 --> 00:43:28,170
like, enabling an addict
921
00:43:28,214 --> 00:43:30,869
and just, like,
being a human being, too.
922
00:43:30,912 --> 00:43:32,566
- Absolutely.
That's the challenge.
923
00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:34,089
- I know.
- That's the challenge.
924
00:43:34,133 --> 00:43:36,962
- That's the hard part
is finding that line.
925
00:43:37,005 --> 00:43:38,746
- I don't think six months
is long enough
926
00:43:38,790 --> 00:43:40,139
to be in that type of facility.
927
00:43:40,182 --> 00:43:43,185
I think you need a year,
and I'm scared.
928
00:43:43,229 --> 00:43:45,884
- I see how I'm progressing,
I see how good I'm doing,
929
00:43:45,927 --> 00:43:48,887
and now it's...
it's kind of shitty.
930
00:43:48,930 --> 00:43:50,497
Then you have to, like, start
from ground zero.
931
00:43:50,540 --> 00:43:53,892
Like, I have to, like,
let go of my therapist.
932
00:43:53,935 --> 00:43:55,894
I have to let go of my sponsor.
I have to...
933
00:43:55,937 --> 00:43:57,722
- Well, you don't.
You don't know that.
934
00:43:57,765 --> 00:44:00,638
You don't know any of that.
- I have a week and a half left.
935
00:44:00,681 --> 00:44:04,772
- Sometimes I feel like I've done
some pretty cool things
936
00:44:04,816 --> 00:44:06,992
in my life
that have gone unnoticed
937
00:44:07,035 --> 00:44:10,038
because the littlest thing in
their life at the dinner table
938
00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:13,346
was more important than
the biggest thing in my life.
939
00:44:13,389 --> 00:44:14,913
- I'm working my ass off
to stay sober.
940
00:44:14,956 --> 00:44:16,784
My entire family's going
out to Las Vegas
941
00:44:16,828 --> 00:44:19,831
on my daughter's third birthday,
and I'm gonna be here by myself.
942
00:44:19,874 --> 00:44:23,051
- I'll be here by myself, too.
- I'm pissed.
943
00:44:23,095 --> 00:44:25,140
- It's 3! Giovanna's gonna have
more important birthdays.
944
00:44:25,184 --> 00:44:27,926
Let's throw her a fucking
quinceñera in 10 years.
945
00:44:27,969 --> 00:44:30,755
- If you're sober from here on
out, this is gonna be, like,
946
00:44:30,798 --> 00:44:32,060
probably the last shitty thing
947
00:44:32,104 --> 00:44:33,975
that you have to deal with
from your past.
948
00:44:34,019 --> 00:44:36,412
- I really am sad.
- It is.
949
00:44:36,456 --> 00:44:37,979
- I'm resentful as hell.
950
00:44:38,023 --> 00:44:39,851
- And I'm not taking that
from you.
951
00:44:39,894 --> 00:44:41,853
And I explained to you
when I decided to go
952
00:44:41,896 --> 00:44:44,203
that this is something
I have to do anyway.
953
00:44:44,246 --> 00:44:45,595
- I understand.
954
00:44:45,639 --> 00:44:47,423
- You're just
not used to me knowing...
955
00:44:47,467 --> 00:44:49,469
- It's not about you.
It's not about you.
956
00:44:49,512 --> 00:44:51,427
It really isn't about you.
I understand why you have to.
957
00:44:51,471 --> 00:44:53,386
- I'm not saying it's about me.
958
00:44:53,429 --> 00:44:56,824
I'm saying you're not used to me
knowing it's shitty for you
959
00:44:56,868 --> 00:44:58,130
and still doing it.
960
00:44:58,173 --> 00:44:59,435
- Why don't we just
keep G here then?
961
00:44:59,479 --> 00:45:00,654
There's no reason
for a 3-year-old
962
00:45:00,698 --> 00:45:02,047
to be in Las Vegas.
963
00:45:02,090 --> 00:45:04,571
I hold my daughter
at a different standard.
964
00:45:05,790 --> 00:45:07,400
Uh, is that funny
965
00:45:07,443 --> 00:45:09,271
that I hold my daughter
at a different standard?
966
00:45:09,315 --> 00:45:11,099
- It is a little bit,
but I'm just gonna...
967
00:45:11,143 --> 00:45:14,537
- Is it? That I gave my daughter
to you? That's funny?
968
00:45:14,581 --> 00:45:16,235
- Me, Bryan, and Chris don't
even have our own kids,
969
00:45:16,278 --> 00:45:17,845
so we can't even relate anyway.
970
00:45:17,889 --> 00:45:19,978
- We're on camera.
971
00:45:24,025 --> 00:45:26,027
- This is why I don't like
everybody being together.
972
00:45:26,071 --> 00:45:27,942
This is a week of fallout
I've got to deal with now.
973
00:45:27,986 --> 00:45:29,291
- Yeah, because she
just doesn't...
974
00:45:29,335 --> 00:45:30,815
She doesn't know how
to be human.
975
00:45:30,858 --> 00:45:32,468
- We're not talking
about anyone else,
976
00:45:32,512 --> 00:45:36,211
and we're wrapping it up.
We're done now.
977
00:45:36,255 --> 00:45:38,561
- It's very condescending
to go in the other room
978
00:45:38,605 --> 00:45:40,041
and talk about me.
979
00:45:40,085 --> 00:45:42,000
Like, we were just having
a conversation.
980
00:45:42,043 --> 00:45:43,784
You got up,
981
00:45:43,828 --> 00:45:45,438
and now you're talking about e
in the other room.
982
00:45:45,481 --> 00:45:47,832
Like, it's very...
Like, I'm sitting right here.
983
00:45:49,094 --> 00:45:51,487
And then to say I don't care
'cause I'm speaking
984
00:45:51,531 --> 00:45:54,229
how I feel about it,
which you already knew how...
985
00:45:54,273 --> 00:45:56,710
- We already heard about how
you feel about it, Nicole,
986
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:58,668
nine fucking million times.
987
00:45:58,712 --> 00:46:01,280
- We both feel different ways
about it.
988
00:46:01,323 --> 00:46:03,543
- It would be nice once
for you to ask me
989
00:46:03,586 --> 00:46:05,414
really why it means
so much to me, Nicole.
990
00:46:05,458 --> 00:46:07,677
- I know why it feels so much.
- Really? You do?
991
00:46:07,721 --> 00:46:08,896
- I know why.
992
00:46:08,940 --> 00:46:10,419
- Oh, I'd love to hear
your insight on it.
993
00:46:10,463 --> 00:46:12,813
- 'Cause you feel like
you need to go out to Las Vegas
994
00:46:12,857 --> 00:46:15,511
and be with your family.
You explained it to me.
995
00:46:15,555 --> 00:46:17,426
That doesn't mean
I have to be okay with it.
996
00:46:17,470 --> 00:46:19,777
I'm not gonna pretend
like I'm okay with it.
997
00:46:19,820 --> 00:46:21,691
- Shut the fuck up.
Remember when...
998
00:46:21,735 --> 00:46:22,910
- Okay.
- No, no.
999
00:46:22,954 --> 00:46:24,564
I want you to listen to me,
1000
00:46:24,607 --> 00:46:26,348
and I want you to listen to me
good, and I'm not kidding.
1001
00:46:26,392 --> 00:46:27,959
- I'm not gonna deal with that.
- Listen to me.
1002
00:46:28,002 --> 00:46:30,352
- Not gonna deal with that.
- No, you fucking listen to me.
1003
00:46:30,396 --> 00:46:32,528
You want to look at that
little kid there...
1004
00:46:32,572 --> 00:46:34,356
- He's not a little kid.
- He was.
1005
00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:39,057
He was the day that I remember
that he had to hold the casket
1006
00:46:39,100 --> 00:46:41,494
while you two fucking walked in
high as a kite
1007
00:46:41,537 --> 00:46:43,583
and raised a stink
'cause you thought
1008
00:46:43,626 --> 00:46:45,063
it would be fun to walk in
on my mother's funeral...
1009
00:46:45,106 --> 00:46:47,326
- What is this right now?
- That's what this is.
1010
00:46:47,369 --> 00:46:48,762
This is what this is all about.
1011
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:51,112
- She died years ago.
- I didn't do shit.
1012
00:46:51,156 --> 00:46:52,722
- I never...
- He didn't do anything.
1013
00:46:52,766 --> 00:46:54,376
And I was asked to explain
how I felt.
1014
00:46:54,420 --> 00:46:56,378
You're having a whole freak-out
right now.
1015
00:46:56,422 --> 00:46:59,294
- You want to know why?
My mother and my grandmother
1016
00:46:59,338 --> 00:47:01,079
died within four days
of each other.
1017
00:47:01,122 --> 00:47:03,516
My daughter and my son
are out using heroin,
1018
00:47:03,559 --> 00:47:05,953
and I'm afraid they're
gonna die every few days.
1019
00:47:05,997 --> 00:47:09,435
This one is here.
He's devastated.
1020
00:47:09,478 --> 00:47:12,873
And you guys are just thinking
it's a joke.
1021
00:47:12,917 --> 00:47:14,353
It was hard.
1022
00:47:14,396 --> 00:47:17,791
And so I didn't say goodbye
to my mom.
1023
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:20,489
This whole time
that I've been home...
1024
00:47:20,533 --> 00:47:22,796
I haven't been back to Vegas
since...
1025
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:24,842
I have been pretending
like she's alive.
1026
00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:27,932
I listen to her...
her messages on my phone,
1027
00:47:27,975 --> 00:47:30,151
and I pretend she's alive.
1028
00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:32,414
- That's nuts.
- I know.
1029
00:47:32,458 --> 00:47:34,199
But I haven't been able
to say...
1030
00:47:34,242 --> 00:47:36,984
Don't laugh. It's not...
- I'm not laughing.
1031
00:47:37,028 --> 00:47:38,899
- You know, Nicole,
I don't think you'll understand
1032
00:47:38,943 --> 00:47:40,945
until you don't have a mother.
1033
00:47:40,988 --> 00:47:42,511
I know that she was sick,
1034
00:47:42,555 --> 00:47:44,557
and I know that there was a lt
with her wrong.
1035
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:48,604
But I did talk to her...
You're gonna laugh at me?
1036
00:47:48,648 --> 00:47:50,084
- I'm not laughing at you.
1037
00:47:50,128 --> 00:47:52,217
I just don't know how I'm
supposed to feel right now.
1038
00:47:52,260 --> 00:47:56,003
I don't know how to feel
right now.
1039
00:47:56,047 --> 00:47:57,831
- Well...
- Like, I feel like
1040
00:47:57,875 --> 00:48:00,138
I'm supposed to be guilt-tripped
into feeling bad...
1041
00:48:00,181 --> 00:48:02,140
- No, Nicole.
Make no mistake.
1042
00:48:02,183 --> 00:48:05,012
- That's how I feel.
- Make no mistake.
1043
00:48:05,056 --> 00:48:07,710
I know that I can't
guilt-trip you into anything.
1044
00:48:07,754 --> 00:48:10,061
I learned that a long time ago,
dear. I know I can't.
1045
00:48:10,104 --> 00:48:11,410
- Then why are you
acting like this?
1046
00:48:11,453 --> 00:48:14,761
- Because I'm pissed
that you sat here...
1047
00:48:14,804 --> 00:48:16,981
- Big explosion in my face.
- Because you know why?
1048
00:48:17,024 --> 00:48:19,418
- Like, when all I did was...
1049
00:48:19,461 --> 00:48:22,116
- Can't you just have a little
compassion at once towards me?
1050
00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:23,552
- I do have compassion
towards you.
1051
00:48:23,596 --> 00:48:25,163
I always have compassion
toward you.
1052
00:48:25,206 --> 00:48:27,382
- No. Nicole, I heard your story
a million times
1053
00:48:27,426 --> 00:48:30,168
about why you're pissed
that I'm going to Vegas.
1054
00:48:30,211 --> 00:48:33,867
I've heard it a million times.
I really have.
1055
00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:36,217
I'm asking you to hear me.
1056
00:48:36,261 --> 00:48:38,959
♪
1057
00:48:45,270 --> 00:48:47,402
- My first drug of choice
is, like, just getting away
1058
00:48:47,446 --> 00:48:50,840
from my existence,
which was my home.
1059
00:48:50,884 --> 00:48:58,065
♪
1060
00:48:58,109 --> 00:48:59,632
This is normally
my relapse time.
1061
00:48:59,675 --> 00:49:02,069
I mean, I never get this far.
1062
00:49:02,113 --> 00:49:04,289
I am very emotional.
1063
00:49:04,332 --> 00:49:06,378
I'm very vulnerable.
1064
00:49:06,421 --> 00:49:09,076
I'm really scared.
1065
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:11,426
'Cause normally by this point,
I've already fucked up
1066
00:49:11,470 --> 00:49:12,688
and I've already, like, relapsed
1067
00:49:12,732 --> 00:49:14,255
and I'm already back
in the cycle
1068
00:49:14,299 --> 00:49:15,953
and I'm probably already, like,
1069
00:49:15,996 --> 00:49:17,650
going back
to my insurance company,
1070
00:49:17,693 --> 00:49:20,958
going back to rehab,
starting from ground zero.
1071
00:49:21,001 --> 00:49:26,006
My only option at this point
is to move into Myra's,
1072
00:49:26,050 --> 00:49:29,096
which is a recovery house
1073
00:49:29,140 --> 00:49:33,883
about an hour and 20 minutes
on public transportation.
1074
00:49:33,927 --> 00:49:37,800
It's hard to go other places.
1075
00:49:37,844 --> 00:49:39,889
I think, like, "Is it gonna be
the place that I fuck up?
1076
00:49:39,933 --> 00:49:42,675
Is it gonna be
the place that I die?"
1077
00:49:42,718 --> 00:49:50,248
♪
1078
00:49:50,291 --> 00:49:58,082
♪
1079
00:49:58,125 --> 00:50:05,959
♪
1080
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,788
[Wind whistling]
1081
00:50:08,831 --> 00:50:11,138
[Cellphone rings]
1082
00:50:11,182 --> 00:50:13,532
- Hello?
- Hey, Stephen.
1083
00:50:13,575 --> 00:50:15,316
- Hey, what's up, Mom?
- How you doing?
1084
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:18,102
- I'm doing good.
Are you okay?
1085
00:50:18,145 --> 00:50:20,756
- Michelle from Womanspace
passed away
1086
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:22,889
from an overdose today.
1087
00:50:22,932 --> 00:50:25,761
- Michelle?
- Yeah.
1088
00:50:25,805 --> 00:50:27,154
- What the fuck?
That sucks.
1089
00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:29,113
- I know.
1090
00:50:29,156 --> 00:50:31,202
- Damn.
1091
00:50:31,245 --> 00:50:35,075
- Her mom found her hunched over
the toilet just today.
1092
00:50:40,385 --> 00:50:42,082
Did you talk to Megan?
- Mm-hmm.
1093
00:50:42,126 --> 00:50:43,605
- All right.
You have the address?
1094
00:50:43,649 --> 00:50:45,259
- Mm-hmm.
1095
00:50:48,828 --> 00:50:50,830
- How you doing, Nicole?
1096
00:50:50,873 --> 00:50:53,354
- I just found out like
less than an hour ago, so...
1097
00:50:55,139 --> 00:50:57,402
...not good.
1098
00:50:57,445 --> 00:51:00,013
I'm just kind of, like,
in shock.
1099
00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:02,842
Every time I get a friend,
they die, so...
1100
00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:17,987
[Sobbing]
1101
00:51:35,396 --> 00:51:38,573
- I think we should go...
[Speaking indistinctly]
1102
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:51,151
- All right.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
1103
00:51:56,069 --> 00:51:58,463
[Indistinct conversation]
1104
00:52:24,315 --> 00:52:26,230
- I'm sorry, Nicole.
1105
00:52:36,718 --> 00:52:39,939
- No. Just looking back at the
events, you know what I mean?
1106
00:52:39,982 --> 00:52:41,810
Like, when she was packing her
shit for the second time
1107
00:52:41,854 --> 00:52:43,638
and going down in the office
and being like,
1108
00:52:43,682 --> 00:52:45,205
"Uh, is anybody gonna
do anything about this?"
1109
00:52:45,249 --> 00:52:47,033
And it's like, "Ugh!"
1110
00:52:47,076 --> 00:52:49,862
- Mm, I know.
1111
00:52:50,558 --> 00:52:52,473
All right.
- All right. Bye.
1112
00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:54,649
- Love you. Bye.
- Love you, too. Bye.
1113
00:53:21,328 --> 00:53:23,243
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
1114
00:53:23,287 --> 00:53:25,245
I'm sorry.
[Sniffs]
1115
00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:27,465
- I already told her
that I'm with her.
1116
00:53:27,508 --> 00:53:29,118
I already told her
that we're coming.
1117
00:53:29,162 --> 00:53:30,772
- All right, then.
1118
00:53:30,816 --> 00:53:33,949
The mom's just there?
Like, nobody else is there?
1119
00:53:33,993 --> 00:53:35,908
- No.
1120
00:53:35,951 --> 00:53:38,998
- All right. I'll wait here.
- All right.
1121
00:53:45,004 --> 00:53:47,833
- You know, at some point,
1122
00:53:47,876 --> 00:53:50,183
I don't want to be
driving around in a car
1123
00:53:50,227 --> 00:53:51,837
and going to rehabs.
1124
00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:54,405
And, like, there's this part
of you that's like, "Okay."
1125
00:53:54,448 --> 00:53:57,364
You hear people say, "Well,
at least they're at peace."
1126
00:53:57,408 --> 00:54:00,498
But that's crap, and I know it.
1127
00:54:00,541 --> 00:54:03,762
Like, that's what you tell
yourself to feel better.
1128
00:54:03,805 --> 00:54:06,721
♪
1129
00:54:06,765 --> 00:54:08,680
I would still rather be out here
1130
00:54:08,723 --> 00:54:11,335
in this car waiting for her
in there
1131
00:54:11,378 --> 00:54:17,297
than be the one that gets
visited by her friends.
1132
00:54:17,341 --> 00:54:19,560
I don't want that visit.
1133
00:54:19,604 --> 00:54:23,608
♪
1134
00:54:23,651 --> 00:54:24,957
She could make me feel bad
1135
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,959
about going to Vegas
and doing all that.
1136
00:54:27,002 --> 00:54:29,831
I usually back off and say,
"I'm not gonna go,"
1137
00:54:29,875 --> 00:54:32,965
but it's so much easier
for me to do that.
1138
00:54:33,008 --> 00:54:37,186
But I...
But to go is showing her, like,
1139
00:54:37,230 --> 00:54:43,018
me pushing through my barriers
and showing her how to live.
1140
00:54:43,062 --> 00:54:50,199
♪
1141
00:54:50,243 --> 00:54:57,816
♪
1142
00:54:57,859 --> 00:55:02,560
♪
1143
00:55:13,005 --> 00:55:14,485
- I'm really feeling like
1144
00:55:14,528 --> 00:55:17,618
I missed something with Stephen
this week.
1145
00:55:17,662 --> 00:55:19,316
And that tends to happen
with him
1146
00:55:19,359 --> 00:55:22,623
because he's always, like,
you know, good.
1147
00:55:22,667 --> 00:55:25,234
And I feel like
I didn't do my job.
1148
00:55:25,278 --> 00:55:28,673
And he always kind of slips
through the cracks.
1149
00:55:28,716 --> 00:55:32,851
And now I have to go get G.
She has to be picked up.
1150
00:55:32,894 --> 00:55:37,421
Her school closes
in less than 15 minutes.
1151
00:55:37,464 --> 00:55:38,813
I think Nicole's mad at me
1152
00:55:38,857 --> 00:55:41,425
because I didn't want
to get her tokens
1153
00:55:41,468 --> 00:55:44,253
because I feel like
she could sell them.
1154
00:55:44,297 --> 00:55:45,733
And even though she says to me
1155
00:55:45,777 --> 00:55:48,127
it's insulting
that I would even think that
1156
00:55:48,170 --> 00:55:52,174
because she had seven months,
I wasn't doing it to insult her.
1157
00:55:52,218 --> 00:55:54,655
And again, it's, like...
It seems like a simple thing,
1158
00:55:54,699 --> 00:55:56,657
but everything has to be
thought about.
1159
00:55:56,701 --> 00:55:59,268
I can't just be careless.
1160
00:56:00,922 --> 00:56:03,708
Tell me what happened today.
1161
00:56:03,751 --> 00:56:06,406
- I close this, okay?
- Okay.
1162
00:56:06,450 --> 00:56:08,930
- Make sure.
1163
00:56:09,801 --> 00:56:11,672
- All right.
We'll go get our nails done.
1164
00:56:11,716 --> 00:56:13,239
Okay?
1165
00:56:18,287 --> 00:56:20,986
- This is fun.
- I'm glad you like it.
1166
00:56:21,029 --> 00:56:24,119
- Can I close my eyes?
- Sure. Go like this.
1167
00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:26,121
Ahh.
It feels so good.
1168
00:56:26,165 --> 00:56:28,689
[Laughs]
1169
00:56:28,733 --> 00:56:32,040
We're going to Las Vegas
tomorrow morning
1170
00:56:32,084 --> 00:56:33,433
for my nephew's wedding.
1171
00:56:33,477 --> 00:56:37,524
So it's the first time G's
on a plane, right, G?
1172
00:56:37,568 --> 00:56:39,744
We're gonna go on a plane
in the morning?
1173
00:56:39,787 --> 00:56:42,268
Yeah?
1174
00:56:42,311 --> 00:56:43,574
High five.
1175
00:56:47,534 --> 00:56:51,103
Giovanna,
it's time to call Mommy
1176
00:56:51,146 --> 00:56:52,496
and pack some of your clothes.
1177
00:56:52,539 --> 00:56:54,498
- She needs a hug.
1178
00:56:54,541 --> 00:56:55,716
- Can I hug her?
1179
00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:57,979
- Just let me hug her.
1180
00:56:58,023 --> 00:57:00,112
- I could use a hug.
1181
00:57:01,330 --> 00:57:03,898
Can I get a hug from you?
1182
00:57:03,942 --> 00:57:06,553
Mm!
Can I have a hug from G?
1183
00:57:07,598 --> 00:57:09,774
You got to give Daisy medicine?
Is Daisy sick?
1184
00:57:09,817 --> 00:57:14,213
- Yeah. She got to get needles
to her neck.
1185
00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:15,606
- Okay.
1186
00:57:15,649 --> 00:57:18,696
She doesn't have to get needles
to her neck, G.
1187
00:57:18,739 --> 00:57:22,743
Just needles...
You get needles in your arm.
1188
00:57:22,787 --> 00:57:26,355
- Needles in your arm, Daisy.
1189
00:57:26,399 --> 00:57:27,618
- Yeah.
1190
00:57:29,010 --> 00:57:30,969
The end.
1191
00:57:31,012 --> 00:57:34,363
[Gasps] Just in time, Mommy.
[Cellphone chiming]
1192
00:57:35,495 --> 00:57:37,192
- [Speaks indistinctly]
1193
00:57:37,236 --> 00:57:38,237
- Hi!
1194
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:40,805
- G, show Mommy your nails.
1195
00:57:40,848 --> 00:57:43,242
- [Gasps] What?
1196
00:57:44,417 --> 00:57:45,418
What?!
1197
00:57:45,462 --> 00:57:47,420
- Cookie Monster...
1198
00:57:47,464 --> 00:57:49,378
- Show her your toenails.
1199
00:57:52,338 --> 00:57:56,211
- No... way.
1200
00:57:56,255 --> 00:57:58,387
- Yes.
1201
00:57:58,431 --> 00:57:59,606
Don't say no.
1202
00:57:59,650 --> 00:58:03,001
- Who did your nails?
1203
00:58:03,044 --> 00:58:05,003
- Um... peoples.
1204
00:58:05,046 --> 00:58:06,352
- [Laughs]
1205
00:58:06,395 --> 00:58:08,876
Peoples at the salon.
1206
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:10,574
- You went to the salon
without me?
1207
00:58:10,617 --> 00:58:13,228
- I know, Nic. It wasn't...
I want to go with you.
1208
00:58:13,272 --> 00:58:15,013
When we come back, we'll do it.
1209
00:58:15,056 --> 00:58:17,929
Show Mommy how we almost match.
1210
00:58:17,972 --> 00:58:20,192
- On my leg.
1211
00:58:20,235 --> 00:58:23,064
- Oh, my God!
You're such a big girl!
1212
00:58:23,108 --> 00:58:25,371
- Thanks, Nic.
I feel big.
1213
00:58:25,414 --> 00:58:28,069
[Both laugh]
1214
00:58:29,418 --> 00:58:30,898
Come here.
1215
00:58:34,902 --> 00:58:38,384
She did have a lot of fun.
She was so good.
1216
00:58:38,427 --> 00:58:40,473
All right. Well, say good night
to her, then.
1217
00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:42,475
'Cause I really want her
to go to sleep.
1218
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:43,694
- G, you have to go to sleep.
1219
00:58:43,737 --> 00:58:46,435
You're going to Las Vegas
tomorrow!
1220
00:58:46,479 --> 00:58:52,790
♪
1221
00:58:52,833 --> 00:58:57,621
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
1222
00:58:57,664 --> 00:58:59,448
- ♪ Cha, cha, cha ♪
1223
00:58:59,492 --> 00:59:02,495
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ How long have we been here? ♪
1224
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:05,846
♪ Am I ever coming down? ♪
1225
00:59:05,890 --> 00:59:08,849
♪ I need to find
some lower thinking ♪
1226
00:59:08,893 --> 00:59:12,984
♪ If I'm gonna stick around ♪
1227
00:59:13,027 --> 00:59:15,856
♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪
1228
00:59:15,900 --> 00:59:19,686
♪ Who do I think I'm kidding? ♪
1229
00:59:19,730 --> 00:59:22,863
♪ I'm still standing
in the same place ♪
1230
00:59:22,907 --> 00:59:26,650
♪ Where you left me standing ♪
1231
00:59:26,693 --> 00:59:32,438
♪ I am easy ♪
1232
00:59:33,526 --> 00:59:35,876
♪ To find ♪
1233
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:41,665
♪
1234
00:59:41,708 --> 00:59:44,276
- ♪ Towers to the skies ♪
1235
00:59:44,319 --> 00:59:46,060
- ♪ There's a million
little battles ♪
1236
00:59:46,104 --> 00:59:50,543
♪ That I'm never gonna win
anyway ♪
1237
00:59:50,587 --> 00:59:51,936
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
1238
00:59:51,979 --> 00:59:53,372
♪ I'm still waiting for you
every night ♪
1239
00:59:53,415 --> 00:59:57,594
♪ with ticker tape,
ticker tape ♪
1240
00:59:57,637 --> 01:00:00,335
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
1241
01:00:00,379 --> 01:00:03,687
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
1242
01:00:03,730 --> 01:00:07,386
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
1243
01:00:07,429 --> 01:00:08,866
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
1244
01:00:08,909 --> 01:00:12,086
- I came into Nicole's life
very late.
1245
01:00:12,130 --> 01:00:14,915
She was 18 when I married Linda.
1246
01:00:14,959 --> 01:00:18,310
In the past month,
I can see a change in Nicole.
1247
01:00:18,353 --> 01:00:21,095
Normally, by this point
in her recovery,
1248
01:00:21,139 --> 01:00:23,358
she's criticizing
wherever she lives.
1249
01:00:23,402 --> 01:00:25,970
She's blaming everything
on the people that work there.
1250
01:00:26,013 --> 01:00:27,754
She was basically setting
the stage
1251
01:00:27,798 --> 01:00:29,190
of why she's about to fail.
1252
01:00:29,234 --> 01:00:31,889
And I don't see her doing that
this time.
1253
01:00:31,932 --> 01:00:34,456
A few weeks ago, she was here,
1254
01:00:34,500 --> 01:00:37,459
and some girls from her house
went out and overdosed.
1255
01:00:37,503 --> 01:00:40,985
And she did not want to go back
to the house that night.
1256
01:00:41,028 --> 01:00:44,858
Before, she would have got back
there as soon as she could
1257
01:00:44,902 --> 01:00:47,208
because there might be
drugs there.
1258
01:00:47,252 --> 01:00:52,126
And that, for me, was a turning
point in how I'm seeing her now.
1259
01:00:52,170 --> 01:00:53,998
I say at least this time
there's a chance.
1260
01:00:54,041 --> 01:00:56,478
- Hello.
- Hey. What's up?
1261
01:00:56,522 --> 01:00:58,437
- What's up?
1262
01:01:01,745 --> 01:01:03,747
- There's a series called
"The Terror."
1263
01:01:03,790 --> 01:01:05,879
- Okay.
- It's good. You would like it.
1264
01:01:05,923 --> 01:01:07,533
- Mom told me about it,
1265
01:01:07,576 --> 01:01:09,927
and I didn't want to watch it
'cause Mom said it was good.
1266
01:01:09,970 --> 01:01:13,670
And I think Mom's shows suck
a lot of the times, but...
1267
01:01:13,713 --> 01:01:16,585
[Cellphone ringing]
Oh, look at you, Lin.
1268
01:01:16,629 --> 01:01:19,023
- Hey!
- Hey!
1269
01:01:19,066 --> 01:01:21,634
[Giovanna speaking indistinctly]
- I'm on the phone, G.
1270
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:24,158
I mean Nic.
- Yeah, I'm Nic.
1271
01:01:24,202 --> 01:01:25,594
- I get confused.
1272
01:01:25,638 --> 01:01:27,161
- I can see that.
1273
01:01:27,205 --> 01:01:29,598
- Look at your daughter.
[Laughs]
1274
01:01:29,642 --> 01:01:31,165
- She doesn't want to come in.
1275
01:01:31,209 --> 01:01:33,602
- She's on an airplane
in the water.
1276
01:01:33,646 --> 01:01:35,909
- [Laughs]
1277
01:01:37,041 --> 01:01:38,433
Hi, G.
1278
01:01:38,477 --> 01:01:41,610
- Pop-Pop's doing
the mini puzzle.
1279
01:01:41,654 --> 01:01:43,003
- Hi, Pop-Pop.
1280
01:01:45,266 --> 01:01:47,616
Me and Bryan are going to eat.
1281
01:01:47,660 --> 01:01:49,401
- Oh, at Mama Barbara's?
- Yeah.
1282
01:01:49,444 --> 01:01:51,185
- Well, have fun.
I love you.
1283
01:01:51,229 --> 01:01:53,231
- I love you, too.
You'll call me later with G?
1284
01:01:53,274 --> 01:01:55,799
- I will.
She's having a good time.
1285
01:01:55,842 --> 01:01:58,192
She was like...
Earlier, it was like,
1286
01:01:58,236 --> 01:02:01,500
all the kids were out here,
and she decided she was a cat.
1287
01:02:01,543 --> 01:02:03,023
So then she decides she's a cat,
1288
01:02:03,067 --> 01:02:04,721
she meows
for 20 straight minutes,
1289
01:02:04,764 --> 01:02:06,984
and I want to, like, literally,
shoot my brains out.
1290
01:02:07,027 --> 01:02:10,683
But now she's back to being G,
so we're okay.
1291
01:02:10,727 --> 01:02:12,772
- Okay. Good.
[Laughs]
1292
01:02:12,816 --> 01:02:15,253
- She'll just literally meow
for 20 minutes.
1293
01:02:15,296 --> 01:02:16,471
- Yeah, I know.
I've seen it firsthand.
1294
01:02:16,515 --> 01:02:19,692
It's wack.
- All right. Have a good time.
1295
01:02:19,736 --> 01:02:20,867
- All right. I love you.
1296
01:02:20,911 --> 01:02:22,869
- Love you, too. Bye.
- Bye.
1297
01:02:22,913 --> 01:02:25,480
Something tells me
we didn't miss anything, Bryan.
1298
01:02:25,524 --> 01:02:27,091
- I'm glad I didn't go.
1299
01:02:27,134 --> 01:02:30,747
- Something tells me
that we picked the long straws
1300
01:02:30,790 --> 01:02:31,835
in the situation.
1301
01:02:31,878 --> 01:02:33,184
- That's a good way to put it.
1302
01:02:33,227 --> 01:02:35,752
Yeah, your mom definitely drew
the short straw.
1303
01:02:35,795 --> 01:02:38,450
- She definitely did.
1304
01:02:38,493 --> 01:02:44,195
Finding my place in my family is
gonna be an ongoing process.
1305
01:02:44,238 --> 01:02:46,110
It's not gonna be something
that just like,
1306
01:02:46,153 --> 01:02:49,113
"Oh, I'm here, like, you know,
I have such and such time now.
1307
01:02:49,156 --> 01:02:52,681
You just trust me and expect
that it's never gonna be
1308
01:02:52,725 --> 01:02:54,118
real shitty again, you know?"
1309
01:02:54,161 --> 01:02:57,817
I think that it's gonna be
a forever thing
1310
01:02:57,861 --> 01:03:00,472
because I've done a lot
of damage.
1311
01:03:03,518 --> 01:03:07,522
- It was good to spend time
with my dad in Vegas,
1312
01:03:07,566 --> 01:03:09,089
but being at the house
1313
01:03:09,133 --> 01:03:12,179
was incredibly difficult
without my mom.
1314
01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:17,097
I think she loved us
underneath all the hell.
1315
01:03:17,141 --> 01:03:19,621
My mother was really sick,
1316
01:03:19,665 --> 01:03:25,584
so it caused the children
to... to fight for attention.
1317
01:03:26,933 --> 01:03:29,631
As much as my ex-husband
suffered,
1318
01:03:29,675 --> 01:03:33,592
I don't think that my kids
would be the amazing people
1319
01:03:33,635 --> 01:03:35,986
they would be without him.
1320
01:03:39,424 --> 01:03:41,513
Thank you.
- I got you a card.
1321
01:03:41,556 --> 01:03:43,384
- You got me a card?
- Mm-hmm.
1322
01:03:43,428 --> 01:03:44,733
- It says, "Happy Mother's Day.
You're a mom."
1323
01:03:44,777 --> 01:03:47,475
- See what I did there?
Trickery.
1324
01:03:47,519 --> 01:03:49,216
See, first,
you're a wonderful wife,
1325
01:03:49,260 --> 01:03:51,175
and then it says
"You're an amazing mother."
1326
01:03:51,218 --> 01:03:53,742
But I switched it.
So it says...
1327
01:03:53,786 --> 01:03:55,396
- Ahh.
1328
01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:56,571
- See?
- Yeah.
1329
01:03:56,615 --> 01:03:58,269
- Look at me.
I'm thoughtful.
1330
01:04:00,967 --> 01:04:04,492
- You are.
It has jewels.
1331
01:04:04,536 --> 01:04:06,538
- So you know
it's worth something.
1332
01:04:06,581 --> 01:04:08,192
Take it to a pawn shop later.
1333
01:04:08,235 --> 01:04:10,934
- I will. There's one up
in Levittown.
1334
01:04:12,196 --> 01:04:16,417
Has Dan's brother's
bow and arrow...
1335
01:04:16,461 --> 01:04:19,333
and Nicole's engagement ring
five times.
1336
01:04:20,465 --> 01:04:22,162
Oh, we get to go away...
- Yep.
1337
01:04:22,206 --> 01:04:24,251
- ...and do something?
- Mm-hmm.
1338
01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:25,862
- Where are we going?
I can't read it.
1339
01:04:25,905 --> 01:04:27,994
- Hyatt Regency
on the Chesapeake.
1340
01:04:28,038 --> 01:04:29,778
- Oh, that...
Oh, that's great.
1341
01:04:29,822 --> 01:04:32,564
This is awesome.
1342
01:04:32,607 --> 01:04:33,347
I love you.
1343
01:04:37,003 --> 01:04:38,657
♪
1344
01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:41,138
- Finding empowerment
in the pain.
1345
01:04:41,181 --> 01:04:43,357
That's kind of what I learned
this time around.
1346
01:04:43,401 --> 01:04:47,144
Seven months ago,
I was completely broken,
1347
01:04:47,187 --> 01:04:50,016
homeless, helpless,
I had nothing.
1348
01:04:50,060 --> 01:04:52,889
And if this is where
only seven months will get me,
1349
01:04:52,932 --> 01:04:54,455
I can't even imagine
1350
01:04:54,499 --> 01:04:56,805
where another seven months
will take me.
1351
01:04:58,329 --> 01:05:01,549
- G, are you excited?
You're gonna see Mommy.
1352
01:05:04,944 --> 01:05:06,685
You gonna sleep over?
1353
01:05:09,470 --> 01:05:11,646
Want to give them to Mommy?
1354
01:05:11,690 --> 01:05:15,172
I got you Tide for your clothes.
1355
01:05:15,215 --> 01:05:17,826
- Thank you.
Can you just... Here.
1356
01:05:17,870 --> 01:05:19,741
Because I have to bring
all that stuff upstairs.
1357
01:05:19,785 --> 01:05:22,005
If it doesn't go in the fridge,
my cabinet is upstairs.
1358
01:05:22,048 --> 01:05:25,225
- Okay, so this is not fridge.
1359
01:05:25,269 --> 01:05:26,661
I know it's overwhelming.
1360
01:05:26,705 --> 01:05:28,228
We just wanted
to bring you stuff. I'm sorry.
1361
01:05:28,272 --> 01:05:31,710
- No, I appreciate it, Mom.
Thank you.
1362
01:05:31,753 --> 01:05:33,016
- It's not that much.
1363
01:05:33,059 --> 01:05:35,801
- Hmm?
- It's not that much.
1364
01:05:38,151 --> 01:05:41,285
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I am.
1365
01:05:41,328 --> 01:05:43,461
- Well, next time, you won't have
to bring all this stuff,
1366
01:05:43,504 --> 01:05:47,204
like bringing her clothes
and her pillow.
1367
01:05:47,247 --> 01:05:49,641
- Can I have a kiss?
- Ooh.
1368
01:05:49,684 --> 01:05:51,643
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
1369
01:05:51,686 --> 01:05:55,081
- Giovanna, can Mimi have a kiss?
I'm gonna go now.
1370
01:05:55,125 --> 01:05:56,909
Can I have a kiss?
1371
01:05:56,953 --> 01:05:58,693
- No, I want to stay with Mommy.
1372
01:05:58,737 --> 01:06:00,304
- I know. Can I have a kiss?
1373
01:06:00,347 --> 01:06:02,523
- Give Mimi kiss.
- Mimi's gonna go bye-byes.
1374
01:06:02,567 --> 01:06:04,090
- I not go bye-byes.
1375
01:06:04,134 --> 01:06:06,005
- You are not going bye-byes.
1376
01:06:06,049 --> 01:06:07,224
You're staying here with Mommy
1377
01:06:07,267 --> 01:06:09,443
in her new house
with your new friends.
1378
01:06:09,487 --> 01:06:12,229
And Mimi and Papa Bryan
are gonna go bye-bye.
1379
01:06:12,272 --> 01:06:15,058
- Okay.
- Can I have a kiss?
1380
01:06:15,884 --> 01:06:18,148
I love you.
1381
01:06:18,191 --> 01:06:21,455
- The last time I spent a night
alone with my daughter
1382
01:06:21,499 --> 01:06:25,764
was the night of my really,
really bad overdose.
1383
01:06:25,807 --> 01:06:29,246
I was taken away in an ambulance
and my daughter saw me
1384
01:06:29,289 --> 01:06:32,771
on the floor getting six
Narcan shots.
1385
01:06:32,814 --> 01:06:34,642
It says "Giovanna."
1386
01:06:36,905 --> 01:06:38,298
- [Giggles]
1387
01:06:38,342 --> 01:06:39,996
- You do it this time.
1388
01:06:42,085 --> 01:06:43,869
Okay. Ready? Mommy's turn.
1389
01:06:43,912 --> 01:06:45,740
Ugh!
1390
01:06:45,784 --> 01:06:48,134
- I right back, okay, Mommy?
1391
01:06:48,178 --> 01:06:50,310
- Where are you going?
No, you have to stay with Mommy.
1392
01:06:50,354 --> 01:06:52,704
It's not like Womanspace.
You have to stay with me.
1393
01:06:52,747 --> 01:06:54,097
Hey!
1394
01:06:54,140 --> 01:06:57,752
Right there. Pick it up.
1395
01:06:57,796 --> 01:06:59,450
Let me see it.
1396
01:07:01,539 --> 01:07:03,845
Unh-unh-unh, we're sharing.
We're sharing.
1397
01:07:03,889 --> 01:07:05,673
It's Aiden's turn.
1398
01:07:05,717 --> 01:07:07,545
When I get the time
with my child,
1399
01:07:07,588 --> 01:07:09,416
it's always structured.
1400
01:07:09,460 --> 01:07:12,289
On Sunday,
when I get to see her,
1401
01:07:12,332 --> 01:07:16,162
we have, like, a plan,
but I get to be Mom today.
1402
01:07:16,206 --> 01:07:19,861
I get to just be authentic
in how I mother.
1403
01:07:19,905 --> 01:07:23,474
- [Giggles]
1404
01:07:23,517 --> 01:07:26,129
- [Laughs]
1405
01:07:26,172 --> 01:07:28,348
Ahh.
1406
01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:38,489
I love you.
1407
01:07:38,532 --> 01:07:40,534
You cozy?
1408
01:07:40,578 --> 01:07:41,796
I love you.
1409
01:07:41,840 --> 01:07:46,497
"When I feel small
in a world so big..."
1410
01:07:48,064 --> 01:07:54,331
"... I tell my wiggling body
to be still."
1411
01:07:56,985 --> 01:08:01,120
Time to go down
that slide, sister.
1412
01:08:01,164 --> 01:08:03,644
Giovanna!
1413
01:08:03,688 --> 01:08:05,559
You punked me again.
1414
01:08:07,474 --> 01:08:08,823
I didn't get any sleep
last night
1415
01:08:08,867 --> 01:08:11,609
just 'cause I just couldn't
stop staring at her.
1416
01:08:11,652 --> 01:08:14,612
I was, like, overwhelmed.
I was...
1417
01:08:14,655 --> 01:08:17,223
I just wanted to take in
as much as I could.
1418
01:08:17,267 --> 01:08:20,183
And I kept wanting to, like,
put my arm around her.
1419
01:08:20,226 --> 01:08:24,143
♪
1420
01:08:24,187 --> 01:08:26,798
Ooh.
1421
01:08:27,712 --> 01:08:30,149
- Whee.
This is [indistinct]
1422
01:08:31,498 --> 01:08:33,326
- You getting dizzy?
1423
01:08:33,370 --> 01:08:34,806
Other way?
1424
01:08:34,849 --> 01:08:36,547
Ooh.
1425
01:08:36,590 --> 01:08:39,071
It was really,
really, really good,
1426
01:08:39,115 --> 01:08:40,899
like, to wake up
with my daughter.
1427
01:08:40,942 --> 01:08:43,684
I mean, I still feel like it's,
like, a controlled environment.
1428
01:08:43,728 --> 01:08:47,906
I don't feel like it's just her
and I, but, I mean, it's...
1429
01:08:47,949 --> 01:08:49,603
I'm grateful for it.
1430
01:08:49,647 --> 01:08:52,780
It's just me transitioning
into being a mother.
1431
01:08:52,824 --> 01:08:54,347
Go ahead.
1432
01:08:54,391 --> 01:08:56,654
[Laughing]
1433
01:08:56,697 --> 01:08:58,612
Oh! Look what you did.
1434
01:08:58,656 --> 01:09:01,920
Did you have fun sleeping
at Mommy's last night?
1435
01:09:01,963 --> 01:09:03,487
Yeah?
1436
01:09:03,530 --> 01:09:07,230
You don't have to put your
whole mouth around it, you know?
1437
01:09:07,273 --> 01:09:09,884
Yeah. Drink it like that, G.
1438
01:09:09,928 --> 01:09:11,625
There you go.
That's better.
1439
01:09:11,669 --> 01:09:18,197
♪
1440
01:09:20,504 --> 01:09:23,115
[Dog barking in distance]
1441
01:09:23,159 --> 01:09:27,163
- Nicole. She left the comfort
of her recovery house
1442
01:09:27,206 --> 01:09:29,121
to live on her own.
1443
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:34,474
- Welcome to the room edition
of "Cribs."
1444
01:09:34,518 --> 01:09:36,433
This is the new...
the new spot.
1445
01:09:36,476 --> 01:09:40,132
I got my bed with my beautiful
bedding.
1446
01:09:40,176 --> 01:09:42,308
The Keurig.
I have a Keurig now.
1447
01:09:42,352 --> 01:09:44,397
What?!
1448
01:09:44,441 --> 01:09:46,791
All banged out on caffeine.
1449
01:09:46,834 --> 01:09:50,055
In December, I kind of felt like
my world was really small,
1450
01:09:50,098 --> 01:09:51,883
like it was Womanspace
1451
01:09:51,926 --> 01:09:53,711
I just had to wake up every day
1452
01:09:53,754 --> 01:09:56,975
and stay sober... hopefully.
1453
01:09:57,018 --> 01:09:58,716
Now it's different.
1454
01:09:58,759 --> 01:10:03,503
Like, now I have a lot
more people relying on me.
1455
01:10:03,547 --> 01:10:05,244
It is haunted in here.
1456
01:10:05,288 --> 01:10:07,551
I did see an apparition
in here last night.
1457
01:10:07,594 --> 01:10:10,989
No bullshit.
I was scared out of my mind.
1458
01:10:11,032 --> 01:10:13,557
And because I do have OCD,
1459
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:17,125
everything is color-coordinated.
1460
01:10:17,169 --> 01:10:18,866
- And she got a full-time job,
1461
01:10:18,910 --> 01:10:22,522
and she's going to school
to become a recovery specialist.
1462
01:10:22,566 --> 01:10:25,743
So that's a lot of things
all at once.
1463
01:10:25,786 --> 01:10:30,748
- Makeup, crochet/beads,
and my dirty clothes.
1464
01:10:30,791 --> 01:10:33,751
And then some stuff for G
just in case.
1465
01:10:33,794 --> 01:10:35,579
My daughter...
1466
01:10:35,622 --> 01:10:38,451
the more time I spend with he,
the more time she's realizing,
1467
01:10:38,495 --> 01:10:40,584
like Mommy's reliable.
1468
01:10:40,627 --> 01:10:42,455
The day sober I am.
1469
01:10:42,499 --> 01:10:45,589
And then just, like, bullshit
that I think is,
1470
01:10:45,632 --> 01:10:47,939
like, fitting for the day.
1471
01:10:49,419 --> 01:10:51,508
And then my babies.
1472
01:10:54,815 --> 01:10:56,121
- What up?
1473
01:10:56,164 --> 01:10:57,818
You want to go shoot some hoops
in a little bit?
1474
01:10:57,862 --> 01:10:59,472
- Yo, I was literally
just gonna ask you.
1475
01:10:59,516 --> 01:11:01,648
- All right. Good shit.
Let's do it.
1476
01:11:09,395 --> 01:11:11,354
- All right.
Good shit.
1477
01:11:14,052 --> 01:11:15,314
- There you go.
1478
01:11:18,970 --> 01:11:20,363
Last game.
1479
01:11:20,406 --> 01:11:22,408
We're all nuts.
- Yeah, true.
1480
01:11:22,452 --> 01:11:24,323
- But if you put our family
next to, like,
1481
01:11:24,367 --> 01:11:25,759
the average American family,
1482
01:11:25,803 --> 01:11:27,413
they're like,
"Dude, what the fuck?
1483
01:11:27,457 --> 01:11:29,502
Why did these people breed?"
1484
01:11:32,723 --> 01:11:34,246
You know it's true, too.
1485
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:35,987
- I never knew her clean,
in all honesty.
1486
01:11:36,030 --> 01:11:39,556
Ever since I was, like,
a little kid.
1487
01:11:39,599 --> 01:11:41,253
I think I'm starting to realize
that, like,
1488
01:11:41,297 --> 01:11:43,603
she's going through
hard shit right now
1489
01:11:43,647 --> 01:11:46,606
as she's sober.
1490
01:11:48,086 --> 01:11:50,044
So I think that that's gonna
help her stay sober
1491
01:11:50,088 --> 01:11:53,178
after the fact.
- Yeah.
1492
01:11:53,221 --> 01:11:55,267
- I think you're gonna be
good in massage school.
1493
01:11:55,311 --> 01:11:58,618
- Yeah. So do I.
- Mm-hmm.
1494
01:11:58,662 --> 01:12:01,404
- I mean, dude, my hands
are big as shit.
1495
01:12:01,447 --> 01:12:03,319
- Hmm. Yo!
- It's gonna help.
1496
01:12:06,670 --> 01:12:08,585
- Hello.
- Hey, I just dropped her off.
1497
01:12:08,628 --> 01:12:09,412
- Do we have to do this, like,
right now?
1498
01:12:09,455 --> 01:12:11,022
It's so hot out.
1499
01:12:11,065 --> 01:12:13,851
- I don't know when else
we'd be able to do it.
1500
01:12:13,894 --> 01:12:15,374
- I have something I need to do,
1501
01:12:15,418 --> 01:12:18,029
not ride around on a bus
and a train this morning.
1502
01:12:18,072 --> 01:12:20,248
- I know. I asked you that
before I canceled my day,
1503
01:12:20,292 --> 01:12:23,121
though, and you said okay.
- No, you didn't! At all.
1504
01:12:23,164 --> 01:12:25,689
You just called me and told me
that you canceled your day.
1505
01:12:25,732 --> 01:12:27,386
- Are you gonna be difficult
with me all day, Nicole?
1506
01:12:27,430 --> 01:12:29,257
Because I'm not gonna
fucking deal with it.
1507
01:12:29,301 --> 01:12:30,911
I really am not.
1508
01:12:30,955 --> 01:12:33,349
You either are gonna do the
things that we're doing or not.
1509
01:12:33,392 --> 01:12:36,352
I'll go do something else then.
I don't need to pick you up.
1510
01:12:36,395 --> 01:12:39,442
- Like, I also have a huge boot
on my foot.
1511
01:12:39,485 --> 01:12:40,834
You know what I mean?
Give me a break.
1512
01:12:40,878 --> 01:12:42,662
- Okay, I will.
I'll go do my day then.
1513
01:12:42,706 --> 01:12:44,055
I'll just turn around.
I'll go do my day.
1514
01:12:44,098 --> 01:12:46,449
'Cause I don't need
your 12-year-old attitude.
1515
01:12:46,492 --> 01:12:48,799
I don't.
I don't need it.
1516
01:12:50,322 --> 01:12:52,063
[Sighs]
1517
01:13:08,732 --> 01:13:11,038
- Morning.
- Good morning.
1518
01:13:11,082 --> 01:13:13,301
Yeah, I know. It's bright.
It's hot.
1519
01:13:13,345 --> 01:13:14,955
It's... We're in a heat wave.
1520
01:13:14,999 --> 01:13:18,306
We're all experiencing it.
Not just you.
1521
01:13:18,350 --> 01:13:20,265
- Really?
- Yeah.
1522
01:13:24,356 --> 01:13:26,010
[Horns honking]
1523
01:13:26,053 --> 01:13:28,882
I wanted to do a dry run
with her for the job
1524
01:13:28,926 --> 01:13:31,102
because I didn't want Monday
to come
1525
01:13:31,145 --> 01:13:32,712
and then her to be stressed out.
1526
01:13:32,756 --> 01:13:34,061
I want her to show up happy.
1527
01:13:34,105 --> 01:13:36,455
And I also don't want her
calling me
1528
01:13:36,499 --> 01:13:40,416
in the middle of my day
tomorrow in a panic.
1529
01:13:40,459 --> 01:13:42,505
We went to the stop.
1530
01:13:42,548 --> 01:13:44,681
There was no place to park.
1531
01:13:46,291 --> 01:13:47,771
You want to?
1532
01:13:47,814 --> 01:13:48,728
- No, I don't want to lean
on your hand.
1533
01:13:48,772 --> 01:13:50,382
What the hell does that say?
1534
01:13:50,426 --> 01:13:56,301
- It says, "Please board at the
other side of track 9 to 3."
1535
01:13:56,344 --> 01:13:58,695
We went to another stop
that was near there.
1536
01:13:58,738 --> 01:14:00,740
There was construction going on.
1537
01:14:00,784 --> 01:14:02,263
It's down here.
1538
01:14:02,307 --> 01:14:04,744
- Sweet.
1539
01:14:04,788 --> 01:14:06,311
I don't have a lighter
or matches
1540
01:14:06,354 --> 01:14:08,182
or anything like that
in my purse, like, I'm...
1541
01:14:08,226 --> 01:14:10,794
- Do you have a lighter?
1542
01:14:10,837 --> 01:14:13,753
- You're rail workers.
How do you not have a cigarette?
1543
01:14:13,797 --> 01:14:15,320
- I have an anxiety...
- No, I'm good.
1544
01:14:15,363 --> 01:14:16,452
- Smell it.
1545
01:14:16,495 --> 01:14:18,105
- I need a goddamn cigarette
so bad.
1546
01:14:18,149 --> 01:14:19,585
- Just smell it.
- No, I don't want to smell that.
1547
01:14:19,629 --> 01:14:21,369
I need a cigarette.
1548
01:14:21,413 --> 01:14:23,589
- And then the train did come,
1549
01:14:23,633 --> 01:14:25,983
but the guy driving it gave us
the wrong information.
1550
01:14:26,026 --> 01:14:27,985
That actually would have been
the train
1551
01:14:28,028 --> 01:14:29,856
that we would have taken.
- I don't know
1552
01:14:29,900 --> 01:14:31,945
what's happening right no.
- That's why we're doing this,
1553
01:14:31,989 --> 01:14:33,730
because I don't want you
Monday morning
1554
01:14:33,773 --> 01:14:35,383
to not know what
the hell's going on.
1555
01:14:35,427 --> 01:14:36,559
- I don't need you to, though.
1556
01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:38,169
Like, can we get the fuck
out of here?
1557
01:14:38,212 --> 01:14:39,562
- Was that not the one?
- I don't know.
1558
01:14:39,605 --> 01:14:42,782
That's what he said.
- What the fuck?
1559
01:14:42,826 --> 01:14:44,175
- If I was doing this by myself,
1560
01:14:44,218 --> 01:14:46,046
it wouldn't be
this fucking difficult.
1561
01:14:46,090 --> 01:14:48,962
I ride public every day.
- You want to leave? Let's go.
1562
01:14:49,006 --> 01:14:50,877
- You're so fucking ungrateful.
1563
01:14:50,921 --> 01:14:52,662
I'm trying my best to help yo.
- Oh, with the ungrateful.
1564
01:14:52,705 --> 01:14:54,490
I know. I'm so ungrateful...
- You're a bitch.
1565
01:14:54,533 --> 01:14:56,143
- 'cause I'm sitting in a fucking
heat wave with a broken foot.
1566
01:14:56,187 --> 01:14:57,580
You're right. I'm a bitch.
- No, it's not that.
1567
01:14:57,623 --> 01:14:59,277
It has nothing to do with that.
1568
01:14:59,320 --> 01:15:01,018
- Like, walking around like
an asshole on a broken foot.
1569
01:15:01,061 --> 01:15:02,628
- Okay, you're right.
I suck as a mother.
1570
01:15:02,672 --> 01:15:05,936
- What are you talking about?
- Just leave me alone.
1571
01:15:05,979 --> 01:15:09,200
- What are you talking about?
Can you not see
1572
01:15:09,243 --> 01:15:11,202
how this situation is
absolutely insane?
1573
01:15:11,245 --> 01:15:15,554
- I'm doing my best.
My best isn't good enough.
1574
01:15:15,598 --> 01:15:18,470
I'm so tired of this.
1575
01:15:18,514 --> 01:15:20,820
I should be living my life!
1576
01:15:23,040 --> 01:15:25,042
- My mom, she's conditioned
to think that
1577
01:15:25,085 --> 01:15:27,261
she always has to fix stuff.
1578
01:15:27,305 --> 01:15:28,785
The idea for her of me
1579
01:15:28,828 --> 01:15:32,049
just, like, doing stuff
by myself is so crazy.
1580
01:15:32,092 --> 01:15:35,487
Like, she doesn't know
how to handle it.
1581
01:15:35,531 --> 01:15:39,230
- I feel like she can't see
a lot of times
1582
01:15:39,273 --> 01:15:41,014
the energy that goes
into helping her.
1583
01:15:41,058 --> 01:15:43,800
And then other times, I think
she gets frustrated with me
1584
01:15:43,843 --> 01:15:45,410
because maybe she doesn't need
1585
01:15:45,453 --> 01:15:48,065
as much help
as I think she needs.
1586
01:15:48,108 --> 01:15:54,854
♪
1587
01:15:54,898 --> 01:15:58,641
All right.
- I got stuff in the truck.
1588
01:15:58,684 --> 01:16:01,295
- It's crazy how
the simplest things
1589
01:16:01,339 --> 01:16:04,777
seem so complicated to me.
1590
01:16:09,390 --> 01:16:12,698
- Everybody has their own shit
they can figure out.
1591
01:16:12,742 --> 01:16:14,918
Nicole...
I had zero confidence
1592
01:16:14,961 --> 01:16:17,877
that she would still be doing
this well over a year later.
1593
01:16:17,921 --> 01:16:20,314
- That's nice.
- I put another one down.
1594
01:16:20,358 --> 01:16:21,577
About a month or two ago.
1595
01:16:21,620 --> 01:16:22,839
I saw the phone ring
and it's Nicole.
1596
01:16:22,882 --> 01:16:24,710
I'm like, "Oh, God.
What is it now?"
1597
01:16:24,754 --> 01:16:28,671
And she asked me some question
about electric bill.
1598
01:16:28,714 --> 01:16:30,498
I hung up the phone.
I said, "Linda.
1599
01:16:30,542 --> 01:16:31,804
That was the first time
I got a normal phone call
1600
01:16:31,848 --> 01:16:33,676
from Nicole
about a normal thing."
1601
01:16:38,332 --> 01:16:40,508
- It's like getting to that point
where it's like
1602
01:16:40,552 --> 01:16:42,293
where the rubber meets the road.
1603
01:16:42,336 --> 01:16:44,687
It's scary figuring out
how we're gonna, like,
1604
01:16:44,730 --> 01:16:46,906
manage our lives
and what we're gonna do
1605
01:16:46,950 --> 01:16:49,126
and getting my own place
1606
01:16:49,169 --> 01:16:51,868
after a year
living in recovery houses,
1607
01:16:51,911 --> 01:16:54,871
getting a job
that I'm held accountable for,
1608
01:16:54,914 --> 01:16:57,525
taking the train to get there.
1609
01:16:59,092 --> 01:17:01,181
Where there's a will,
there's a way.
1610
01:17:01,225 --> 01:17:03,183
- I'm not getting Nicole
a tattoo.
1611
01:17:03,227 --> 01:17:07,535
The other reason is because she
has a lot of things she needs.
1612
01:17:07,579 --> 01:17:09,886
She needs a winter coat.
- Right.
1613
01:17:09,929 --> 01:17:13,150
- And we still have to get
Stephen his earphones.
1614
01:17:13,193 --> 01:17:14,978
Never have I been in a spot
1615
01:17:15,021 --> 01:17:18,329
where I can say all three
of the kids are in a space
1616
01:17:18,372 --> 01:17:19,722
that's good.
1617
01:17:19,765 --> 01:17:21,593
I mean, they have their issues.
1618
01:17:21,637 --> 01:17:24,117
There's challenges,
but they're challenges
1619
01:17:24,161 --> 01:17:26,772
that aren't
what they were a year ago.
1620
01:17:26,816 --> 01:17:29,862
Every day Nicole
might not be here anymore.
1621
01:17:29,906 --> 01:17:33,823
Christopher
was really struggling.
1622
01:17:33,866 --> 01:17:35,912
Why are you better
at this thing?
1623
01:17:35,955 --> 01:17:38,697
- All you have to do
is shake them.
1624
01:17:38,741 --> 01:17:40,917
And then they undo themselves.
1625
01:17:40,960 --> 01:17:42,701
- Oh, that's too hot, too.
1626
01:17:45,617 --> 01:17:46,923
He's like...
1627
01:17:46,966 --> 01:17:49,316
- We met at massage
therapy school.
1628
01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:51,405
She's in the class under me.
1629
01:17:51,449 --> 01:17:54,147
You, like, awkwardly gave me
your phone.
1630
01:17:54,191 --> 01:17:56,628
- Yeah, 'cause he wouldn't ask
for my number,
1631
01:17:56,672 --> 01:17:57,847
and I was, like, waiting,
1632
01:17:57,890 --> 01:17:59,544
and I kept, like,
giving him signs.
1633
01:17:59,587 --> 01:18:01,851
- I'm not good at the sign stuff.
- No.
1634
01:18:01,894 --> 01:18:05,376
I should have held a sign
that said, "Ask me out, please."
1635
01:18:05,419 --> 01:18:06,856
[Laughs]
1636
01:18:06,899 --> 01:18:08,422
Although he's been
through so much,
1637
01:18:08,466 --> 01:18:12,383
he's still one of the most
caring people that I know.
1638
01:18:12,426 --> 01:18:15,212
And, like, his heart is so big
and he just cares about
1639
01:18:15,255 --> 01:18:17,649
his family and like...
- Thanks.
1640
01:18:17,693 --> 01:18:19,259
- ...his friends.
Yeah.
1641
01:18:19,303 --> 01:18:21,740
- I am fighting everything
that I come from.
1642
01:18:21,784 --> 01:18:25,048
I want to be happy and positive
in my life,
1643
01:18:25,091 --> 01:18:27,224
and I'm still getting there,
obviously.
1644
01:18:27,267 --> 01:18:29,443
From who I was
three years ago to now,
1645
01:18:29,487 --> 01:18:31,663
people can't even believe
how much progress
1646
01:18:31,707 --> 01:18:32,795
I actually have made.
1647
01:18:32,838 --> 01:18:34,405
All right. Good stuff, man.
1648
01:18:34,448 --> 01:18:36,712
I don't think the Sixers
are on tonight,
1649
01:18:36,755 --> 01:18:40,063
so maybe we'll run some
"Fortnite" later or something?
1650
01:18:40,106 --> 01:18:41,368
- Yeah.
- All right. Later, bro.
1651
01:18:45,895 --> 01:18:47,810
All right, bro.
- Take care.
1652
01:18:50,900 --> 01:18:54,642
- I really thought that the cycle
was gonna repeat itself.
1653
01:18:54,686 --> 01:18:56,253
Nicole was gonna relapse
1654
01:18:56,296 --> 01:18:58,472
and everything was gonna
collapse again.
1655
01:18:58,516 --> 01:19:00,083
Wow.
1656
01:19:00,126 --> 01:19:03,956
I've never felt a connection
to my family like this.
1657
01:19:04,000 --> 01:19:07,612
I'm so happy
and grateful about that.
1658
01:19:07,655 --> 01:19:08,831
- Now you can incorporate
1659
01:19:08,874 --> 01:19:10,528
Christmas lights
into your yoga class.
1660
01:19:10,571 --> 01:19:11,659
- I'm letting it go.
1661
01:19:11,703 --> 01:19:13,836
- About how untangling
Christmas lights
1662
01:19:13,879 --> 01:19:15,663
is a metaphor
for something in life.
1663
01:19:15,707 --> 01:19:17,535
- You know it's coming.
1664
01:19:17,578 --> 01:19:19,798
- I think we're getting to
a point where, all of a sudden,
1665
01:19:19,842 --> 01:19:21,495
everything's
gonna be free for us.
1666
01:19:21,539 --> 01:19:23,106
You know, all the kids
are gonna be on their own.
1667
01:19:23,149 --> 01:19:24,934
Giovanna is gonna be
with Nicole.
1668
01:19:24,977 --> 01:19:27,675
I think it's gonna
come together all at once
1669
01:19:27,719 --> 01:19:30,504
or in a very short time span.
1670
01:19:30,548 --> 01:19:32,811
And we're gonna be like,
"What the hell just happened?"
1671
01:19:32,855 --> 01:19:35,031
- I just found this
at the bottom of my basket.
1672
01:19:35,074 --> 01:19:36,293
It was probably there
from when I was packing.
1673
01:19:36,336 --> 01:19:38,817
A picture of G.
1674
01:19:38,861 --> 01:19:40,471
My poo-poos.
1675
01:19:40,514 --> 01:19:46,433
♪
1676
01:19:46,477 --> 01:19:47,870
I just, every day,
make a decision
1677
01:19:47,913 --> 01:19:51,047
that I'm not gonna drink or use.
1678
01:19:51,090 --> 01:19:54,702
I'm trying to make a way
so that girls can see
1679
01:19:54,746 --> 01:19:57,749
that other girls
who are as low as them,
1680
01:19:57,793 --> 01:19:59,707
you can get there, too.
1681
01:20:01,927 --> 01:20:04,277
If I stay as grounded
as humanly possible,
1682
01:20:04,321 --> 01:20:06,889
hopefully people can feel
comfortable with me.
1683
01:20:06,932 --> 01:20:11,110
♪
1684
01:20:11,154 --> 01:20:13,591
Never give up.
1685
01:20:13,634 --> 01:20:16,724
I was a lost cause.
1686
01:20:16,768 --> 01:20:19,292
And the greatest people,
1687
01:20:19,336 --> 01:20:23,906
the strongest people
rise out of nothing.
1688
01:20:23,949 --> 01:20:30,608
♪
1689
01:20:34,046 --> 01:20:35,874
♪
1690
01:20:35,918 --> 01:20:38,224
- Yeah. There's no way
they make the playoffs.
1691
01:20:38,268 --> 01:20:41,488
- You don't know that.
Mathematically, it can happen.
1692
01:20:41,532 --> 01:20:44,100
- Hell, though,
they've been losing every game.
1693
01:20:44,143 --> 01:20:45,405
They're trash.
- It doesn't matter any of that
1694
01:20:45,449 --> 01:20:49,148
because crazy things happen
all the time.
1695
01:20:49,192 --> 01:20:52,804
- Mom.
- Look at your sister.
1696
01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:55,502
She's sitting here...
- What the fuck?
1697
01:20:55,546 --> 01:20:57,243
- ...a wonderful member
of society.
1698
01:20:57,287 --> 01:20:58,810
Going to work every day...
- Some might say.
1699
01:20:58,854 --> 01:21:00,203
- ...helping people.
1700
01:21:00,246 --> 01:21:01,813
- I am, dude.
What are you talking about?
1701
01:21:01,857 --> 01:21:04,772
- Collecting a paycheck
and paying her rent.
1702
01:21:04,816 --> 01:21:06,078
Giovanna, are you hungry?
1703
01:21:06,122 --> 01:21:07,471
- No.
- No?
1704
01:21:07,514 --> 01:21:09,125
- Last night, Nicole's bag
was on the ground.
1705
01:21:09,168 --> 01:21:11,170
I said, "Nicole, is this yours?"
- Bag of pills.
1706
01:21:11,214 --> 01:21:15,348
- Bag of pills that had
Advil and B12.
1707
01:21:15,392 --> 01:21:18,177
- It wasn't anything
I had to flush.
1708
01:21:18,221 --> 01:21:19,526
- I said, "Wow, Nicole.
1709
01:21:19,570 --> 01:21:22,355
You really downgraded
in the past two years."
1710
01:21:22,399 --> 01:21:23,791
- I was on the phone with you.
1711
01:21:23,835 --> 01:21:25,402
I was like, "Oh,
Bryan found my Xanies."
1712
01:21:25,445 --> 01:21:28,013
- I said, "Two years ago,
you wouldn't have
1713
01:21:28,057 --> 01:21:31,147
held on to them long enough
to keep them in a bag."
1714
01:21:31,190 --> 01:21:33,323
- Are we setting up the tree now?
- Yeah.
1715
01:21:33,366 --> 01:21:35,194
- All right.
Cool.
1716
01:21:35,238 --> 01:21:39,372
- Oh, look, Lin.
What are you?
1717
01:21:39,416 --> 01:21:41,548
A hummingbird.
1718
01:21:41,592 --> 01:21:43,420
[Laughing]
1719
01:21:43,463 --> 01:21:50,209
♪
1720
01:21:50,253 --> 01:21:54,474
- Sometimes I feel guilty
for things being this good
1721
01:21:54,518 --> 01:21:58,957
because other families
are still struggling so much.
1722
01:21:59,001 --> 01:22:03,701
♪
1723
01:22:03,744 --> 01:22:07,835
For so long, we've been on
overdrive, like, on survival,
1724
01:22:07,879 --> 01:22:11,013
on, "Hey, let's get through
this holiday
1725
01:22:11,056 --> 01:22:12,014
without there being an overdose.
1726
01:22:12,057 --> 01:22:13,493
Let's get through this holiday
1727
01:22:13,537 --> 01:22:15,626
without somebody trying
to commit suicide."
1728
01:22:15,669 --> 01:22:23,242
♪
1729
01:22:23,286 --> 01:22:30,641
♪
1730
01:22:30,684 --> 01:22:35,689
We just have to keep showing up
and doing the next right thing.
1731
01:22:35,733 --> 01:22:44,481
♪
1732
01:22:44,524 --> 01:22:53,272
♪
1733
01:22:53,316 --> 01:23:02,064
♪
1734
01:23:02,107 --> 01:23:10,986
♪
1735
01:23:11,029 --> 01:23:13,031
It was a long road.
1736
01:23:13,075 --> 01:23:15,294
And it continues to be
a long road.
1737
01:23:15,338 --> 01:23:24,042
♪
1738
01:23:24,086 --> 01:23:28,916
♪
1739
01:23:28,960 --> 01:23:32,094
With Giovanna, we have a shot
1740
01:23:32,137 --> 01:23:36,098
of freeing her
of generational addiction.
1741
01:23:36,141 --> 01:23:43,757
♪
1742
01:23:43,801 --> 01:23:51,113
♪
1743
01:23:51,156 --> 01:23:54,072
- ♪ The circled path ♪
1744
01:23:54,116 --> 01:23:57,597
♪ Have we arrived? ♪
1745
01:23:57,641 --> 01:24:01,166
♪ Is it our time ♪
1746
01:24:01,210 --> 01:24:04,996
♪ To feel alive? ♪
1747
01:24:05,040 --> 01:24:08,173
♪ Will shadows fade? ♪
1748
01:24:08,217 --> 01:24:11,568
♪ Is dawn in sight? ♪
1749
01:24:11,611 --> 01:24:15,093
♪ Can't find the road ♪
1750
01:24:15,137 --> 01:24:18,749
♪ Though we see the light ♪
1751
01:24:18,792 --> 01:24:20,968
♪ And we're gonna run,
run, run ♪
1752
01:24:23,145 --> 01:24:24,363
[Mid-tempo music plays]
1753
01:24:24,407 --> 01:24:32,197
♪
1754
01:24:32,241 --> 01:24:34,417
This story highlights
one of the most pervasive issues
1755
01:24:34,460 --> 01:24:36,375
in our country...
substance abuse...
1756
01:24:36,419 --> 01:24:37,855
and the ripple effects
it can have on families
1757
01:24:37,898 --> 01:24:41,119
over generations.
1758
01:24:41,163 --> 01:24:42,860
Here with me to dig
into the themes of the film
1759
01:24:42,903 --> 01:24:44,383
are "Euphoria" actress
and comedian Nika King...
1760
01:24:44,427 --> 01:24:46,037
Hi. Thank you
for having me.
1761
01:24:46,081 --> 01:24:48,126
...along with comedian
and writer Moshe Kasher.
1762
01:24:48,170 --> 01:24:51,303
Thank you so much.
I'm glad to be here.
1763
01:24:51,347 --> 01:24:52,696
Thanks for joining me.
1764
01:24:52,739 --> 01:24:54,437
What were your feelings
upon watching the film?
1765
01:24:54,480 --> 01:24:56,961
I was automatically
feeling for Nicole,
1766
01:24:57,004 --> 01:24:59,094
and I was rooting for her,
even though, you know,
1767
01:24:59,137 --> 01:25:00,791
she had some moments
and kind of questionable.
1768
01:25:02,836 --> 01:25:05,448
But I knew that the drugs
was definitely a factor
1769
01:25:05,491 --> 01:25:07,232
in just her overall perspective.
1770
01:25:07,276 --> 01:25:08,668
And so, at the end of the movie,
1771
01:25:08,712 --> 01:25:14,239
I was happy to see,
you know, her... her win.
1772
01:25:14,283 --> 01:25:16,198
Yeah, I felt like
1773
01:25:16,241 --> 01:25:18,200
these sorts of stories
are so familiar,
1774
01:25:18,243 --> 01:25:19,897
both personally
and just in society,
1775
01:25:19,940 --> 01:25:22,769
that I was expecting
a tragic ending
1776
01:25:22,813 --> 01:25:23,857
the whole time.
Mm-hmm.
1777
01:25:23,901 --> 01:25:25,468
I felt like bracing myself
1778
01:25:25,511 --> 01:25:26,643
for something horrifying
to happen,
1779
01:25:26,686 --> 01:25:30,473
and I was, like, gratified
at the end.
1780
01:25:30,516 --> 01:25:32,692
Moshe, you wrote
about your experiences,
1781
01:25:32,736 --> 01:25:33,954
and in your book,
1782
01:25:33,998 --> 01:25:36,174
you detailed
your struggles with addiction.
1783
01:25:36,218 --> 01:25:38,176
Would you be so kind
as to tell us
1784
01:25:38,220 --> 01:25:42,485
about... about
what you went through?
1785
01:25:42,528 --> 01:25:46,271
I was a teenage
drug addict and derelict
1786
01:25:46,315 --> 01:25:49,622
and, you know, a general
feral wild child.
1787
01:25:49,666 --> 01:25:52,277
And I went to rehab three times
by the time I turned 16.
1788
01:25:52,321 --> 01:25:53,931
And, like, in some ways,
my story is, like,
1789
01:25:53,974 --> 01:25:55,846
really intense
and really hard-core.
1790
01:25:58,979 --> 01:26:00,677
But the more common story
in addiction
1791
01:26:00,720 --> 01:26:02,722
is what Nicole went through,
1792
01:26:02,766 --> 01:26:05,203
which is, you know,
a multi-decade struggle.
1793
01:26:05,247 --> 01:26:07,074
So, in some ways, like,
I related to it a lot.
1794
01:26:07,118 --> 01:26:08,119
In some ways,
I was really reminded
1795
01:26:08,163 --> 01:26:09,164
of how lucky I am.
1796
01:26:11,992 --> 01:26:13,298
Yes, so fortunate.
1797
01:26:13,342 --> 01:26:14,560
And... And we're... And we're
glad to have you.
1798
01:26:14,604 --> 01:26:16,258
Nika, I wanted to ask you,
you know,
1799
01:26:16,301 --> 01:26:18,260
did you draw
from anything personal,
1800
01:26:18,303 --> 01:26:20,479
you know, in your role
in "Euphoria"
1801
01:26:20,523 --> 01:26:24,962
as a teen addict's mom?
1802
01:26:25,005 --> 01:26:28,705
My experience as a young person
was instability,
1803
01:26:28,748 --> 01:26:31,664
domestic violence,
you know, constantly moving.
1804
01:26:31,708 --> 01:26:34,189
It definitely helped me
create this character,
1805
01:26:34,232 --> 01:26:36,539
because I was able to use
some of those same feelings
1806
01:26:36,582 --> 01:26:41,587
of hopelessness, you know,
abandonment, just chaos.
1807
01:26:44,982 --> 01:26:48,333
I kind of went through it,
but it was just in reverse.
1808
01:26:48,377 --> 01:26:50,248
At the beginning of the film,
it feels as though
1809
01:26:50,292 --> 01:26:52,642
the addiction is
so in the forefront
1810
01:26:52,685 --> 01:26:55,253
that it takes up
so much real estate
1811
01:26:55,297 --> 01:26:56,428
that you're not even...
you don't even know
1812
01:26:56,472 --> 01:27:01,564
what the...
what the brother does.
1813
01:27:01,607 --> 01:27:04,915
Is that how it felt sometimes
in your household, Moshe?
1814
01:27:04,958 --> 01:27:06,003
100%.
1815
01:27:06,046 --> 01:27:08,179
I would say that,
like, this idea
1816
01:27:08,223 --> 01:27:10,703
that you are the only topic.
1817
01:27:10,747 --> 01:27:12,879
I was the guy that had caused
1818
01:27:12,923 --> 01:27:14,533
all of the problems
in the family.
1819
01:27:14,577 --> 01:27:16,405
I was the center of everything,
1820
01:27:16,448 --> 01:27:20,974
and everything
was pointed at me.
1821
01:27:21,018 --> 01:27:22,585
And then, when you get sober...
1822
01:27:22,628 --> 01:27:24,282
and I'm sure this is about to
happen to Nicole's family...
1823
01:27:24,326 --> 01:27:25,805
once you get sober,
1824
01:27:25,849 --> 01:27:27,677
then everybody has to
interrogate their own part
1825
01:27:27,720 --> 01:27:29,548
in... in what
the dysfunction was,
1826
01:27:29,592 --> 01:27:31,724
that it was like,
"It wasn't all me."
1827
01:27:34,597 --> 01:27:36,642
People make wrong decis...
bad decisions,
1828
01:27:36,686 --> 01:27:38,165
and therefore, you know,
get hooked on drugs.
1829
01:27:38,209 --> 01:27:40,167
Nobody grows up to say,
"I want to be hooked on drugs
1830
01:27:40,211 --> 01:27:41,430
for a living."
No.
1831
01:27:41,473 --> 01:27:42,648
That is so true.
It's, like,
1832
01:27:42,692 --> 01:27:44,215
I think about that a lot,
like, everybody
1833
01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:46,348
does drugs basically
for the same reason, right?
1834
01:27:49,089 --> 01:27:51,353
There's psychological
underpinnings under it.
1835
01:27:51,396 --> 01:27:53,529
You're trying to fill a hole
that was left by, you know,
1836
01:27:53,572 --> 01:27:56,096
gaps in your family or
self-esteem or whatever.
1837
01:27:56,140 --> 01:27:58,229
You pay attention to this
day-to-day "How do I feel?"
1838
01:27:58,273 --> 01:27:59,535
And what you're not
paying attention to
1839
01:27:59,578 --> 01:28:02,364
is this downward spiral.
1840
01:28:04,975 --> 01:28:06,759
Such a good point, Moshe,
into what you're saying.
1841
01:28:06,803 --> 01:28:08,413
In the film,
they said that, you know,
1842
01:28:08,457 --> 01:28:11,286
being sober is one thing,
and that, you know,
1843
01:28:11,329 --> 01:28:13,766
once you're sober,
it's almost as if, you know,
1844
01:28:13,810 --> 01:28:17,770
the tide goes out
and you see the rocks.
1845
01:28:17,814 --> 01:28:19,337
There's a lot of
debate and study
1846
01:28:19,381 --> 01:28:21,121
over whether addiction
is a hereditary disorder,
1847
01:28:21,165 --> 01:28:23,559
if it's mostly a result
of someone's environment...
1848
01:28:23,602 --> 01:28:25,082
right?
or the widely accepted view
1849
01:28:25,125 --> 01:28:26,997
that it's kind of
like a mix of both.
1850
01:28:29,826 --> 01:28:32,437
But what do you think causes
or contributes to addiction
1851
01:28:32,481 --> 01:28:34,396
being a "family disease"?
1852
01:28:34,439 --> 01:28:36,267
Both of those things,
definitely...
1853
01:28:36,311 --> 01:28:44,580
you know, environment,
genetics, socioeconomic class.
1854
01:28:44,623 --> 01:28:46,408
I grew up, you know,
in Liberty City,
1855
01:28:46,451 --> 01:28:48,845
which is, you know,
the hood in Miami,
1856
01:28:48,888 --> 01:28:51,326
and it was very drug-infested.
1857
01:28:51,369 --> 01:28:54,024
And I think any person
from a family of addicts
1858
01:28:54,067 --> 01:28:57,070
will probably have that
in the forefront of their minds
1859
01:28:57,114 --> 01:28:58,420
to be conscious of it.
1860
01:29:01,336 --> 01:29:02,554
And they're either
gonna go with it
1861
01:29:02,598 --> 01:29:03,860
or they're gonna go against it.
1862
01:29:03,903 --> 01:29:05,992
This thing really is
systemic, and family.
1863
01:29:06,036 --> 01:29:09,039
Parents are so filled
with the same disease
1864
01:29:09,082 --> 01:29:10,432
that they think their children
are bringing to their house.
1865
01:29:10,475 --> 01:29:11,868
It's such a family disease.
1866
01:29:11,911 --> 01:29:15,524
The film also touches on
socioeconomics and class
1867
01:29:15,567 --> 01:29:16,873
as they relate to addiction.
1868
01:29:16,916 --> 01:29:18,309
Now, I believe there was...
there's a part
1869
01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:25,316
where the brother even talks
to his sister, Nicole,
1870
01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:26,796
and says that like,
"Listen, you know,
1871
01:29:26,839 --> 01:29:28,493
you've got
all these opportunities
1872
01:29:28,537 --> 01:29:29,929
and you've got
this kind of safety net
1873
01:29:29,973 --> 01:29:31,453
that other people
that are dealing with addiction
1874
01:29:31,496 --> 01:29:32,715
don't have to deal with."
1875
01:29:32,758 --> 01:29:34,673
What did you make of
that moment in the film?
1876
01:29:34,717 --> 01:29:37,720
Poor people are treated worse,
1877
01:29:37,763 --> 01:29:43,856
especially in marginalized
and underserved communities.
1878
01:29:43,900 --> 01:29:45,510
They're stigmatized.
1879
01:29:45,554 --> 01:29:47,686
But, at the same time,
I think, you know,
1880
01:29:47,730 --> 01:29:48,992
the roosters
have come home to crow,
1881
01:29:49,035 --> 01:29:52,648
because now we see,
you know, white suburbia,
1882
01:29:52,691 --> 01:29:54,040
you know, really being affected
1883
01:29:54,084 --> 01:29:56,652
by fentanyl overdoses
and opioid overdoses.
1884
01:29:59,785 --> 01:30:01,657
And so we see that drugs,
it doesn't matter
1885
01:30:01,700 --> 01:30:03,093
whether you're Black or White,
rich or poor.
1886
01:30:03,136 --> 01:30:05,400
Like, it affects
every person the same.
1887
01:30:05,443 --> 01:30:08,968
But, unfortunately, it's
the person who is the addict,
1888
01:30:09,012 --> 01:30:10,927
if they're Black,
they're going to be victimized
1889
01:30:10,970 --> 01:30:12,058
and they're going to be
criminalized.
1890
01:30:15,975 --> 01:30:17,281
That's just the reality of it.
1891
01:30:17,324 --> 01:30:19,196
If you're a rich kid,
you can go to 10 rehabs,
1892
01:30:19,239 --> 01:30:21,328
and your family
can put you from place to place.
1893
01:30:21,372 --> 01:30:22,678
Is that a fun way to live?
No.
1894
01:30:22,721 --> 01:30:24,070
You're still a drug addict.
But if you're poor,
1895
01:30:24,114 --> 01:30:26,029
if your community
doesn't have infrastructure
1896
01:30:26,072 --> 01:30:28,945
for... for... preventative care
and stuff like that,
1897
01:30:28,988 --> 01:30:30,381
then there's... there's
maybe one place to go.
1898
01:30:30,425 --> 01:30:31,556
It's an American story.
1899
01:30:31,600 --> 01:30:32,862
It's really an American thing.
1900
01:30:32,905 --> 01:30:34,820
It's as American as apple pie.
1901
01:30:38,041 --> 01:30:40,086
Let me ask this.
For those who want to be helpful
1902
01:30:40,130 --> 01:30:42,698
to addicts who are struggling,
who are in their lives,
1903
01:30:42,741 --> 01:30:44,787
what... what can they do
to... to support them?
1904
01:30:44,830 --> 01:30:46,571
They have to want
to help themselves.
1905
01:30:46,615 --> 01:30:48,573
And if you have a drug addict
1906
01:30:48,617 --> 01:30:53,535
or an alcoholic
in your... in your life,
1907
01:30:53,578 --> 01:30:56,625
truly the best thing you can do
is to work on yourself,
1908
01:30:56,668 --> 01:30:57,974
to get your own self healthy,
1909
01:30:58,017 --> 01:30:59,976
to be able to set
actual appropriate boundaries.
1910
01:31:00,019 --> 01:31:01,412
As they say,
protecting your own energy.
1911
01:31:01,456 --> 01:31:02,631
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
1912
01:31:02,674 --> 01:31:04,720
I 100% agree, Moshe.
That's 100% correct.
1913
01:31:07,244 --> 01:31:09,420
As an addict, you have to
make up in your mind
1914
01:31:09,464 --> 01:31:10,595
that "I want to be clean."
1915
01:31:10,639 --> 01:31:12,075
And I think Nicole had decided,
1916
01:31:12,118 --> 01:31:14,207
and I think her daughter had
a big reasoning
1917
01:31:14,251 --> 01:31:15,818
behind her wanting to be clean,
1918
01:31:15,861 --> 01:31:19,952
that she wanted
to do things differently.
1919
01:31:19,996 --> 01:31:21,476
So, what do you hope
is the takeaway
1920
01:31:21,519 --> 01:31:23,782
from watching something
like "Our American Family"?
1921
01:31:23,826 --> 01:31:26,481
My hope is that people
will understand
1922
01:31:26,524 --> 01:31:29,396
that family is really important,
1923
01:31:29,440 --> 01:31:33,183
and at the end of the day,
life is going to happen
1924
01:31:33,226 --> 01:31:36,186
and there's going to be issues,
there are going to be problems,
1925
01:31:36,229 --> 01:31:37,274
there are going to be things
that you have to overcome.
1926
01:31:40,886 --> 01:31:42,453
If it's not addiction,
it's something else.
1927
01:31:42,497 --> 01:31:45,282
It's always going to something
you're going to be tackling,
1928
01:31:45,325 --> 01:31:47,414
but at least try to tackle it
together as a family.
1929
01:31:49,982 --> 01:31:51,593
That's really nice.
1930
01:31:51,636 --> 01:31:53,029
I'll snap for that.
[Laughs]
1931
01:31:53,072 --> 01:31:55,161
I got that from page 72
from Moshe's book.
1932
01:31:55,205 --> 01:31:56,554
[Laughter]
1933
01:31:56,598 --> 01:31:58,295
I think we can all agree
that all wisdom
1934
01:31:58,338 --> 01:31:59,644
eventually trickles down
from my book.
1935
01:31:59,688 --> 01:32:03,256
[Laughter]
1936
01:32:03,300 --> 01:32:06,129
"Wrap addicts
with love and support"...
1937
01:32:06,172 --> 01:32:08,784
that doesn't mean, "Kill
yourself while supporting them."
1938
01:32:08,827 --> 01:32:10,089
Drug addiction
makes you feel hopeless.
1939
01:32:10,133 --> 01:32:12,309
But, truly... and it is
often very hopeless,
1940
01:32:12,352 --> 01:32:17,096
but really there is always hope.
1941
01:32:17,140 --> 01:32:18,620
There's a saying
in 12-step groups,
1942
01:32:18,663 --> 01:32:19,969
which is that your bottom is
1943
01:32:20,012 --> 01:32:21,231
where you choose
to stop digging,
1944
01:32:21,274 --> 01:32:22,928
because you can always,
always go lower.
1945
01:32:22,972 --> 01:32:25,104
And to what Nika said,
you can always stop.
1946
01:32:25,148 --> 01:32:27,890
Today is always an opportunity
to stop and to reset
1947
01:32:27,933 --> 01:32:29,631
and to get your...
your life back.
1948
01:32:32,721 --> 01:32:34,505
Speaking of love...
Speaking of love,
1949
01:32:34,549 --> 01:32:36,638
I loved this conversation.
1950
01:32:36,681 --> 01:32:38,509
I mean, y'all...
Same.
1951
01:32:38,553 --> 01:32:39,597
We going on tour, baby.
1952
01:32:39,641 --> 01:32:41,425
We don't deserve
this kind of convo.
1953
01:32:41,468 --> 01:32:43,122
I think so!
[Laughter]
1954
01:32:43,166 --> 01:32:44,907
Nika, Moshe,
conversations like these
1955
01:32:44,950 --> 01:32:48,693
are so important
and so necessary,
1956
01:32:48,737 --> 01:32:50,303
and we thank you
for your time and insights.
1957
01:32:50,347 --> 01:32:52,262
This was exciting.
Thank you for having me.
1958
01:32:52,305 --> 01:32:53,350
It was truly a pleasure.
1959
01:32:53,393 --> 01:32:54,569
Films like "Our American Family"
1960
01:32:54,612 --> 01:32:56,353
provide inspiration
and new perspectives
1961
01:32:59,356 --> 01:33:01,663
for not only those affected
by substance abuse
1962
01:33:01,706 --> 01:33:04,187
but also for
our society as a whole.
1963
01:33:04,230 --> 01:33:05,492
Thanks for watching
"Can We Talk About This?"
1964
01:33:05,536 --> 01:33:06,885
Join us next time
for another eye-opening film
1965
01:33:06,929 --> 01:33:08,104
and lively conversation.
1966
01:33:08,147 --> 01:33:10,062
I'm Jordan Carlos.
Goodbye for now.
1967
01:33:12,978 --> 01:33:15,111
♪ Chasing the, sun, sun ♪
1968
01:33:15,154 --> 01:33:18,941
♪ Not sure we can fly ♪
1969
01:33:18,984 --> 01:33:22,118
♪ But we're gonna try ♪
1970
01:33:22,161 --> 01:33:24,163
♪ By chasing the sun ♪
1971
01:33:24,207 --> 01:33:25,730
♪ See the light again ♪
1972
01:33:25,774 --> 01:33:27,166
♪ Feel the sunshine ♪
1973
01:33:27,210 --> 01:33:31,344
♪ Then find the light
on our face ♪
1974
01:33:31,388 --> 01:33:32,694
♪ Let the day begin ♪
1975
01:33:32,737 --> 01:33:34,739
♪ Standing skin to skin ♪
1976
01:33:34,783 --> 01:33:38,525
♪ We know the stakes ♪
1977
01:33:38,569 --> 01:33:41,833
♪
1978
01:33:41,877 --> 01:33:45,576
♪ So we're gonna run,
run, run ♪
1979
01:33:45,620 --> 01:33:49,145
♪ Chasing the sun, sun, sun ♪
1980
01:33:49,188 --> 01:33:52,670
♪ Not sure we can fly ♪
1981
01:33:52,714 --> 01:33:55,020
♪ Though we're gonna try ♪