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♪♪

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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So a big round of applause
for Aida Rodriguez!

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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[ Man scatting ]

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[ Man speaking Spanish]

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[ Man scatting ]

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♪♪

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[ Scatting continues ]

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♪♪

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♪♪

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♪♪

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What?

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Thank you.

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Thank you. I'm so happy
to be here tonight.

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[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.

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In the boogie-down Bronx.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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In the food stamp building.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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What?!

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Poetic justice.
I've come full circle.

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[ Laughter ]

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Those of you who -- I see the
way white people are like,

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"The food stamp building?
Are we in danger?"

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You absolutely are.

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[ Laughter ]

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There's a bunch of Puerto Ricans
and Dominicans in here

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that owe you.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Man, I see you're excited.

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Everybody is so happy
to be outside.

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Are you happy to be outside?
Man: Yeah.

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-Yeah!
-Yeah!

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The animals are pissed, though,
right?

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Right, white ladies?

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[ Laughter ]

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The white ladies talk to them.
They know, they know.

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Listen, people of color
always get weird

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when I say something funny
about a white person

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because y'all have
Stockholm syndrome.

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But...

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But when I tell a white woman,
"You talk to the animals,"

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they're like, "Yes, bitch,
we talk to the animals

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and they talk back

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because we all got
a little Ace Ventura in us."

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[ Laughter ]

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The animals were pissed
that we're free,

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right?
The animals are mad.

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They've been so upset
about us being free

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because when COVID
first started,

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do you remember how happy
the animals were?

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The animals were like, "Yes!

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They are sick
and they're dying!"

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Yo, they were celebrating.
Mountain goats

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were running through
the streets of Wales.

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Did you see them?

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People were looking
at the animals like,

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"What are you doing outside?"

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And they were looking
at the people like,

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"Bitch, what are<i> you</i>
doing outside?

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You supposed to be
locked up in the house."

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Man, monkeys in India,
they took over the streets

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outside of
the presidential palace.

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Did you see it? They were,
like, daring people

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to come outside.
They were like,

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"Oh, you big and bad now.
Come outside, bitch. Let's go.

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Come on out here."

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All the animals got together.

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They were in peace and harmony.
They were not eating each other.

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They weren't fighting.

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They all poured out
a little liquor for that bat

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that took one for the team
in China.

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[ Laughter ]

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They're like, "Let's hear it
for the homie!"

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[ Applause ]

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Oh, man, that's an urban joke.
I love it.

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I'm urban as fuck.
You see me?

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Woman: Yeah!

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Puerto Rican flag.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Dominican flag.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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No fighting.

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[ Laughter ]

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We need to take note
from the animals, people.

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We need to take note from
the animals,

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let me tell you, because if we
don't get our shit together,

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when the aliens come...

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when they come, they gonna fuck
all of us up, okay?

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When the aliens come,

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you're gonna see the KKK
and the Proud Boys go get

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them Black Lives Matter
march people and be like,

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"Come on. We got to go get
these purple motherfuckers.

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Let's hold hands and sing...

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♪ We Are the World" ♪

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[ Laughter ]

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I'm talking about
white supremacists

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wanting to be friends with us

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because, you know,
they can't fight that well.

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They ain't got no hands.

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[ Laughter ]

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People are always asking me what
I think about white supremacists

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'cause I do a lot
of political commentary.

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Or I used to.
I retired from that shit

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because you people
are exhausting.

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But I did. I did.
And, listen, people were like,

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"Hey, how did you feel
about all these marches?"

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And I'm like,
"What am I supposed to say?

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I masturbated to it?
Like, what the fuck?

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I thought the shit was wack.
It's disappointing."

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They're like, "Racism is
disappointing, isn't it?"

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I'm like, "That's not why
I was disappointed."

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You saw all them white boys,
they got together.

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They all put on the same outfit.

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They all had on the khaki pants,
same shirt.

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They all looked like Doug
from Nickelodeon.

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[ Laughter ]

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The world is watching.

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They went and bought
all those tiki torches.

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It was dynamic.
It was explosive to watch.

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And then when they started
marching, no rhythm.

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[ Laughter ]

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No rhythm. And that's
why it got violent,

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because they kept bumping
into each other, right?

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I was like, "That's
what happens to a man

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who doesn't get any pussy.

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When you bump into him,
he wants to beat you."

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[ Laughter ]

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That's kind of my humor.

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I see some of y'all
got weirded out.

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It's probably because
you're a white supremacist.

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[ Laughter ]

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Or you're fucking one.

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[ Laughter ]

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I will say that, you know,
liberals who pride themselves

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in being liberals
can also be problematic,

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and I think as a woman of color,
it is my job to point that out.

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You know, woke people.

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Where the woke people at?

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[ Group cheering ]

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Y'all still admit that shit
in public?

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That shit is corny as fuck.
Real corny.

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Remember woke people
walking around

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with the "woke as fuck" shirts
on?

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"I know my pronouns."

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[ Laughter ]

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I was homeless,
and one of the woke people

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was tweeting me
and told me,

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"We don't say 'homeless.'
We say 'unhoused.'"

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I was like,
"Bitch, did you tweet that

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from the comfort
of your own home?"

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[ Laughter ]

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She was like, "Home
is where the heart is."

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I was like, "The heart
ain't under a fucking bridge."

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I hate woke people.
Woke people.

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The woke people are always

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getting beat up
by the asleep people.

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You notice this?
They're always crying.

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And I don't want to be woke.
I'm a revolutionary.

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I'm tired of people beating us
and us praying for them.

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They're always,
"Oh, words hurt."

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I'm like, so do uppercuts,
bitch. Learn how to block."

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[ Laughter, applause ]

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The fake-ass woke people
in Los Angeles,

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where I live, were throwing up
those Black Lives Matter signs

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during the marches,

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and they only put up them signs

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so that nobody
would break their windows.

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They were like, "They're
marching up our street, Lucille.

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Throw the sign up.
Hurry up. Hurry up.

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Not the rainbow.
That's next month.

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Not the rainbow."

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[ Laughter ]

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Y'all fake asses.

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I'll tell you a story
about a woke person.

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There was this Chinese lady
in San Francisco

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who was attacked
by a white supremacist.

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This dude got up one morning
and said,

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"I'm gonna go fuck
some Asian people up."

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He put on his white
supremacist uniform.

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He put on some fatigue pants
and a backpack.

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He rolled out and
started harassing Asian people,

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and he beat an Asian man.

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Then he ran up on

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this 70-something-year-old
Asian woman,

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and he punched her in the eye,
and he hit her so hard,

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her eye was shut closed,

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and that lady pulled out a pipe
and beat the shit out

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of that white supremacist guy."

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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I don't know if you saw it.

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She whupped -- First of all,

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that lady had been
in a fight before

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because ain't nobody
walking around

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with no pipe in their purse.

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And she won a fight before, too.

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She beat the shit
out of that man.

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You hear me?

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And look.
The camera was on the lady

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and -- and her eye
was shut closed.

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It was so pitiful.
You felt sad for her.

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Then the camera pulled out, and
he was on the stretcher, crying.

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And he was like, "No!
Keep it away from me!"

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And she looked into the camera

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and started speaking Chinese.

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And I was like,
"That's an old gangster bitch.

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I want to be friends with her."

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[ Applause ]

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I was like, "Yes!

213
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I want to be friends with her."

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I tried
to get her to come here tonight.

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I admire people who fight
for themselves

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because I always
didn't fight for myself.

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I remember being an old punk-ass
kid when I was in kindergarten.

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I'm still mad about
a fight that I lost.

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This bitch named Eve
kicked me in my throat.

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And I should have known because
she was 5 and her name was Eve.

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[ Laughter ]

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Kicked me in my throat.
And I've always been tall.

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She had a vertical leap
out of this world.

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And I didn't fight back.
I didn't fight back

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because my family was so ghetto
and they were all --

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My uncles were always
in the streets,

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and I thought
that I was taking the high road.

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At that young age, I knew.
You know what I'm saying?

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I was like --
I was being indignant.

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I didn't fight her.
She put her hands on me.

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I looked like a dumb-ass,
and I'm still mad about it.

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I haven't let it go.

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And I'm gonna fight this bitch
when I see her.

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[ Laughter, applause ]

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I've looking for her
all over the place.

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Like, I check for her
on Facebook and Instagram.

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I check prison logs in Florida.

238
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:20,786
I check all the cashiers
at Walmart and Big Lots.

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'Cause I'm-a beat
this bitch's ass.

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00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,498
And when I fight her, listen,

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I don't care if this bitch
is in a wheelchair.

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It's going down.
You hear me?

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First --
I hope she's in a wheelchair

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so when I kick her
back in the throat,

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I ain't got to lift my leg
that high.

246
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,969
[ Laughter ]

247
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I saw some of y'all got
uncomfortable with that joke.

248
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'Cause you don't think
an abusive bitch that ended up

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in a wheelchair for karma

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deserves getting her ass beat
in a wheelchair.

251
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And that's why woke people
ain't shit.

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00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:55,071
[ Laughter, applause ]

253
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:58,074
Ah.
I can't stand y'all.

254
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,576
Listen, when I was a kid,
I was a punk,

255
00:11:00,659 --> 00:11:02,244
and I'm honest about it.

256
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,246
I didn't even play the dozens.

257
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,915
For those of you who don't know
what the dozens are,

258
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:10,127
it's like snapping, cracking,
roasting for street cred.

259
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,797
And nothing is off-limits

260
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,300
because ghetto children
are cruel.

261
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:20,971
So your mama's not off-limits.
AIDS is not off-limits. Cancer.

262
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,057
And I was tender.
I would be like,

263
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,268
"That's why you got on
those dirty Payless shoes."

264
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,770
And the kids would be like,

265
00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:31,107
"That's why your uncle
sucked a dick for a crack rock."

266
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:34,610
I'd be like, "Oh, shit,
I think I lost.

267
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:35,778
[ Laughter ]

268
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:39,365
I'm not good at this game.

269
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,826
And how you know
about my uncle?"

270
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:45,162
[ Laughter ]

271
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,415
Man, I couldn't even seek
comfort in my mother

272
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,584
because my mother was
a savage beast, right?

273
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:53,587
My stepfather used to call
my mother La Fiera, right?

274
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:57,341
That means "wild, savage beast."
Think of a wolverine.

275
00:11:57,425 --> 00:12:00,344
That's Margarita, right?
I can't even go to her.

276
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,929
My mother used to -- Listen,

277
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:04,432
my black American friends
would say to me,

278
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,977
"My mama beat me with a switch,"
and I would be like,

279
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:13,816
"Oh, yeah? My mama said to me,
'Mal rayo te parta.'"

280
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:17,903
That means "may lightning
strike you in half."

281
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,823
I'm like, "Who are you --
50 Cent, bitch?"

282
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,366
I'm 7.

283
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,285
[ Laughter ]

284
00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:27,830
Yeah, I couldn't even go to her
for normal shit.

285
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,457
Like, if somebody
called me ugly --

286
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,668
Like, a normal person would say,
"Mommy, Sophia said I was ugly,"

287
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,503
and their normal mother
would say,

288
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,381
"Honey, consider the source."

289
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,925
Now, Margarita...

290
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,136
I'd like, "Mommy,
Sophia said I was ugly."

291
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,472
She'd be like, "You talking
about the bitch

292
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,348
whose mother fucked
her own brother?

293
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,184
[ Laughter ]

294
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:53,397
You let a product of incest make
you feel bad about yourself?

295
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:57,526
You on the honor roll, bitch.
What's wrong with you?"

296
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,488
[ Laughter ]

297
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,448
She was hard.
But I'll tell you what.

298
00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:03,824
I know my mother loved me.

299
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,327
My mother had her situation,
like many of us

300
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:10,039
who come from the situations
that we come from by design.

301
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,249
So my mom was a little rough
around the edges,

302
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,335
but she would show up for me.

303
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:16,295
My mother used to do my hair
like this

304
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:19,715
when I was little -- part it in
the middle and do two ponytails.

305
00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:23,385
I still do it like this because
I have Stockholm syndrome.

306
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,929
[ Laughter ]

307
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:27,848
And she was doing my hair
one time

308
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:30,559
and I kept complaining
about it hurting.

309
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,395
And my best friend said,
"That's because Ms. Pagliaro

310
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,064
is always hitting her
in the head

311
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,233
with those big, fat pencils."

312
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:41,695
And I knew in that very moment
that the next day of school

313
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:45,991
was gonna be the most
embarrassing day of my life.

314
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:50,829
100%. The next day of school,
I'm pacing, my stomach hurts,

315
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,040
diarrhea because I'm a Virgo.

316
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:57,211
The whole time
just messed up in my stomach.

317
00:13:57,294 --> 00:14:01,215
And I thought we were home free,
and I'm lining up for lunch,

318
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:06,428
and I hear in the background,
"Where she at?!

319
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,848
[ Speaking Spanish ]"

320
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:17,106
And all the kids in my class
pointed at Ms. Pagliaro.

321
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:18,357
They didn't even know my mother.

322
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,192
They just knew
she was the solution.

323
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,778
Like, they're were like, "That's
the bitch who keeps hitting us

324
00:14:22,861 --> 00:14:24,029
in the head with a pencil.

325
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,657
That's the lady you want
right there."

326
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,450
My mother walked up
to her, and she's like,

327
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,912
"I heard you like hitting little
kids in the head with pencils."

328
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,540
She was like, "Excuse me?"
She took off her shoe,

329
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,251
jumped up,
and popped her in the head.

330
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,920
"[ Speaking Spanish ]"

331
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:44,925
And all the kids
started cheering.

332
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,927
I was, like, watching.
Like, I was embarrassed.

333
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,470
Then I started cheering, too,

334
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,099
because I realized that
that bitch was going to jail.

335
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:55,811
I was like, "I'm about
to get a break!

336
00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:58,480
I'm going to foster care
with the white lady

337
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,942
that has an apple pie
and a cat in the house."

338
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,236
[ Laughter ]

339
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,406
That principal came and got my
mother and said, "Ms. Rodriguez,

340
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:08,824
we need you to come with us."

341
00:15:08,907 --> 00:15:10,534
And she grabbed Ms. Pagliaro,
and she said,

342
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,787
"Come on, bitch.
You coming, too."

343
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,539
She said, "I'm going to jail
for assault,

344
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:18,292
but you going to jail
for child abuse."

345
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:21,253
And just like that,
all my dreams down the drain.

346
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,713
She didn't go to jail.
They let her go

347
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:25,507
because they don't want
that problem, right?

348
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,760
The only thing I learned
about that experience

349
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:32,348
was that kindergartners
are some old snitch-ass bitches.

350
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,391
[ Laughter ]

351
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:35,934
Ms. Pagliaro.

352
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:39,897
That was the first white lady
in my life that abused me.

353
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:43,400
Speaking of white ladies...

354
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,694
white women had a tough year.

355
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,988
A tough couple of years.

356
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,531
Am I right?

357
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,159
♪ They call me Karen ♪

358
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:55,329
[ Laughter ]

359
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,206
It was a rough year
for white women.

360
00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,292
White men turned on white women.
I'm a comedian.

361
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,212
You seen all the comics
talking shit about white --

362
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:04,588
White men are clever.

363
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:07,675
White men colonized everybody
on the planet,

364
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,927
including white women.
They were like, "No, bitch.

365
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:12,846
You sit in the back of the bus,
too."

366
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,890
One white woman
ruined the barbecue,

367
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:17,142
and then she became the problem.

368
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,852
I'm like,
"Well-played, white men.

369
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:21,480
That's chess, not checkers."

370
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:24,233
White women have been
standing on the front line

371
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,318
for abortion forever.

372
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:29,697
We don't even know
that that is an act of allyship.

373
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,740
They're like,
"Yo, these white men are evil,

374
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,118
and we ain't making
no more of them."

375
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:37,204
[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]

376
00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:43,210
They tried to warn us.

377
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:45,754
I knew the world was changing
when I saw a white woman

378
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,257
get her ass beat by the cops.

379
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,344
I did. I was like, "That's
the America Martin Luther King

380
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,637
was talking about."

381
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,306
[ Laughter ]

382
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,183
And there was
a perfectly good black man

383
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:02,062
standing 6 feet away from her
'cause he was social distancing.

384
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,274
And she looked at that cop like,
"You gonna beat me

385
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:08,444
with this perfectly good
black dude standing right here?

386
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:12,364
I'm calling your manager
in the morning."

387
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,616
Yo, white women stood
in front of black people

388
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,618
during the Black Lives Matter
marches.

389
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:21,457
I don't know if you saw this.
One white woman did naked yoga.

390
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,042
Google it.
She did naked yoga.

391
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,753
She was standing there.
She was like, "Yo,

392
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,464
I'm gonna show him this pussy.
You all run that way. Go."

393
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:31,467
She was, like, Downward Dog.
She did the whole thing.

394
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:32,926
It's amazing.

395
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,471
But the white people were
also getting beat up in L.A.

396
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,639
They got on their knees,

397
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,349
and they put their hands
behind their back,

398
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:43,395
and they served as a barrier
between the police

399
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,105
and the black people...

400
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,067
until the police
started shooting.

401
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,860
Then they ran to the back.
They were like, "You know what?

402
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,653
Black people been in the back
too long.

403
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:53,614
Y'all go to the front."

404
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:55,491
[ Laughter ]

405
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,411
I do want to, you know --
That's enough about white women

406
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:02,539
because I have to talk
about something very important,

407
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,917
and it's here tonight --
Latinos.

408
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,420
[ Cheers and applause ]

409
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,882
Latinx people.
Latine people.

410
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:16,386
I got to make sure I call
everybody by their proper label.

411
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,432
Did I miss one?

412
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:21,725
[ Woman speaks indistinctly ]

413
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,935
Thanks.

414
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:25,020
[ Laughter ]

415
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:26,730
No, we got issues.

416
00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:29,608
We flex on each other
over that dumb shit.

417
00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:32,194
I'm half Puerto Rican
and half Dominican.

418
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:36,615
And I didn't know I was
half Dominican until I got older

419
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,450
'cause they didn't tell me.
They broke it to me

420
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,452
like it was bad news.

421
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:42,120
[ Laughter ]

422
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,164
No. Serious.

423
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:47,668
They were like, "We got
to talk to you. Um...

424
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:50,212
You're probably not gonna
like this,

425
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,756
but you're half Dominican.
Yeah.

426
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,675
You don't have to tell nobody."

427
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:56,593
[ Laughter ]

428
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:59,304
So I went to Puerto Rico
and the Dominican Republic,

429
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,807
so -- 'cause I wanted
to embrace my roots

430
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,851
'cause that shit will fuck
with your self-esteem,

431
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,144
when you have people
telling you stuff like that.

432
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,397
And I went there,
and I went to Puerto Rico,

433
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,065
I went to
the Dominican Republic.

434
00:19:10,148 --> 00:19:12,150
There was a white girl
on our crew.

435
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:15,863
And she said after
we went to both places,

436
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,490
"Y'all kind of the same."

437
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:21,326
And then I was like,
"No, we have very different --

438
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,579
You know,
we have different customs."

439
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:27,249
And she was like,
"No, you're all the same."

440
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,419
And I was like, "No, we --
Don't we look different?"

441
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:35,924
She was like,
"No, y'all are the same."

442
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:39,761
She was like, "I don't know what
you guys are talking about."

443
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,847
And it was funny
because I was like, "Well,

444
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:44,808
language, you know, because
we all have our own dialect,"

445
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:48,520
and she was like,
"Oh, well, you know, maybe,

446
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:51,982
but y'all kind of
the same thing."

447
00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:53,609
And we do.
We do with language.

448
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,070
Because Latinos like to flex
on other Latinos.

449
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:00,365
Nobody holds us down like
we hold each other down, right?

450
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,159
So with language.

451
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:03,660
"Oh, those Puerto Ricans
are ghetto.

452
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,662
They don't know how to speak
correct Spanish

453
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,873
because they say, "Ohh!"

454
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:11,501
The Puerto Ricans know
what I'm talking about.

455
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,128
Right? They be like,
"The Dominicans,

456
00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:15,213
they all sound
like they singing un merengue."

457
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:18,425
[ Speaking Spanish ]

458
00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:21,178
Scaring people
all over the place, right?

459
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:23,013
Nobody scares them like
the Cubans, right?

460
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:24,932
The Cubans be like,
"[Shouting in Spanish]"

461
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,683
You be like, "Oh, shit.
Is he mad?"

462
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,728
No. He's actually saying,
"Happy birthday."

463
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,897
[ Laughter ]

464
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:34,650
Some Latinos didn't teach
their children Spanish

465
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,361
because they wanted
them to assimilate,

466
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,947
and, you know, they let
white people convince them

467
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,782
not to learn
how to speak the language

468
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:44,701
that they were gonna need
to get a job. [ Laughs ]

469
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,454
And Latinos were like, "Okay."

470
00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:49,831
And then there are the people
like my parents

471
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,833
who made us learn Spanish first

472
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:55,629
and then sent us to school
to speak English.

473
00:20:55,712 --> 00:21:00,175
And then they put us in ESOL
and called us special.

474
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,010
Right? They be like,
"Yo, this bitch is 12

475
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,720
and don't know how to say
'butter' in English.

476
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,722
Put her in the back.
Put her in the back."

477
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,516
[ Laughter ]

478
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:09,351
This kind of flex all the time,
right?

479
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:13,021
We have all this flex,
and it's so stupid, right?

480
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,148
[ Speaking enunciated Spanish ]

481
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:17,025
Know those people?

482
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,443
Oh, they're so regal.

483
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,362
[ Speaking enunciated Spanish ]

484
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:21,822
But you spitting on me.

485
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:23,824
Back the fuck up.

486
00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:25,534
And put some sunscreen on.

487
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:28,870
You're gonna die
in the sun, bitch.

488
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:31,999
[ Laughter ]

489
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,458
And there's a myth, right?

490
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:34,710
They say,
"Oh, they talk like that

491
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:37,379
because King Ferdinand
had a lisp

492
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,256
and they speak that way
to honor him."

493
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,967
But that shit isn't true.
That never really happened.

494
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:45,387
It just turned out that they're
just a bunch of assholes.

495
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,265
[ Laughter ]

496
00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:50,642
We have this ethnic spectrum

497
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,561
that contains
all of the races.

498
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:54,396
We have white, we got black,
we got Asian,

499
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,231
we got indigenous,
we got everybody.

500
00:21:56,314 --> 00:21:58,567
You got Latinos
walking around flexing

501
00:21:58,650 --> 00:21:59,901
their Spanish blood on us,

502
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:02,988
saying, "I have
pure Castilian blood."

503
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:04,990
Have you ever heard them?
I'm like, "We all do.

504
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:08,493
The Spaniards fucked everybody.

505
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:10,620
You ain't saying nothing.

506
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:13,749
Sure, dumb-ass.
Get the fuck out of here."

507
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:16,752
[ Laughter ]

508
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:19,087
Our families got people
of all colors,

509
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,798
right? Like, my mom
has a whole bunch of kids

510
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:23,091
that look all different, right?

511
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:24,384
Like, my siblings are here.

512
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:25,927
My brother Chino.

513
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:28,055
I ain't got to tell you
how he looks.

514
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,598
[ Laughter ]

515
00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:37,522
I got my sister, the white one,
Yasmin, right?

516
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:41,026
She gets us in the club.

517
00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:43,987
I have my brother
who looks Latino.

518
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:46,490
His name is Carlos, of course.

519
00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:49,701
And then there's me, right?
The indigenous, negra,

520
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,161
depending on who you're asking.

521
00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:53,789
Right? And I have
a really good friend of mine.

522
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:57,334
My white friend came
to my house and saw my siblings,

523
00:22:57,417 --> 00:23:00,128
and I could see
the confusion on her face.

524
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:03,840
She was looking at us.
She was like,

525
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:07,135
"Yo, you all got
the same father?"

526
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:11,389
And I was like, "Are you trying
to call my mama a ho, bitch?"

527
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:13,308
I was like, "Yeah, we got
the same father.

528
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:16,937
As a matter of fact, we do,
and his name is Colin."

529
00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:19,731
And that confused her even more.

530
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:21,191
She was like, "Colin?"

531
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:23,068
And, listen.
She was percolating.

532
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:25,153
She had -- It sat
with her for a while.

533
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:27,239
She sat around.
She couldn't take it.

534
00:23:27,322 --> 00:23:31,827
Pacing. She's like, "Aida,
your father's name is Colin?"

535
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:35,080
I was like, "Yeah,
'colin-ization,' bitch."

536
00:23:35,163 --> 00:23:36,498
[ Laughter ]

537
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:41,211
I was like..."Yes."

538
00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:44,131
[ Applause ]

539
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:46,508
If your great-great-great-
grandfather would have

540
00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:47,968
kept his dick to himself,

541
00:23:48,051 --> 00:23:52,264
we wouldn't look like
a Benetton ad."

542
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:55,517
And I say black and indigenous
when it comes to me

543
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,727
because identity
is very different,

544
00:23:57,811 --> 00:24:01,273
and we like 20 years behind
in the Latino community

545
00:24:01,356 --> 00:24:05,443
'cause I can't say that I'm
black because I'm light-skinned.

546
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,696
But then
to black American people,

547
00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:11,366
I'm just one of Quincy Jones'
daughters.

548
00:24:11,449 --> 00:24:13,660
We got all this shit
going back and forth.

549
00:24:13,743 --> 00:24:17,205
And we have code words
for black, right?

550
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,875
We say "morena." Black.

551
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,377
Taína. Black.

552
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:24,462
Mulatta. Black.

553
00:24:24,546 --> 00:24:26,882
Mestiza. Black.

554
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:27,966
Hala.

555
00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:29,885
Black with freckles.

556
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:31,761
[ Laughter ]

557
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:34,514
And it's all black nonetheless.

558
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,725
I grew up in a black
and brown neighborhood,

559
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:39,561
and my black American friend
says to me,

560
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,313
"You think you cute
because you light-skinned

561
00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:42,981
and got good hair."

562
00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:46,026
And I'm like, "I'm light-skinned
and I got good hair?

563
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:47,235
[ Laughter ]

564
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:49,279
What?!"

565
00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:52,157
I'm rolling with these bitches."

566
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,743
[ Laughter ]

567
00:24:54,826 --> 00:24:56,620
She was like, "You know,
if we were in slavery,

568
00:24:56,703 --> 00:24:58,246
you'd be in the house,"
and I said,

569
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:02,000
"You know, if we were in
slavery, we'd be in slavery.

570
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:04,336
[ Laughter ]

571
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:07,130
What the fuck
does my location matter?

572
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,674
What the hell do you think
was happening in the house?

573
00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:12,135
You thought we was turning up?"

574
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:13,929
[ Laughter ]

575
00:25:14,012 --> 00:25:18,767
I'd rather be out in the field
with LeBron James.

576
00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:20,685
Right?

577
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:23,897
Than in the housing getting
fucked by the Quaker Oats man.

578
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:26,107
[ Laughter ]

579
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:28,985
Woman: Yeah. Yeah.

580
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:30,111
Yes.

581
00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:32,697
Yo, have you seen
the Quaker Oats man?

582
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:33,949
Even the white women are like,

583
00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:35,408
"We don't want him either,
bitch.

584
00:25:35,492 --> 00:25:38,453
We want LeBron, too."

585
00:25:38,536 --> 00:25:41,373
[ Laughter ]

586
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,209
I was dealing
with this shit my whole life.

587
00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:47,754
Listen, my -- my family
was "religious."

588
00:25:47,837 --> 00:25:49,631
"COGIC." "Pentecostal."

589
00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:51,383
"Seventh-day Adventist."

590
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:54,427
Super-religious.
Anti-abortion.

591
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:57,931
Until I got pregnant
from a black dude.

592
00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:02,018
Then they became pro-abortion
in the name of Jesus.

593
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:05,188
They were like,
"He'll forgive you."

594
00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,608
Too much truth for you tonight?

595
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,026
[ Laughter ]

596
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:11,778
Woman: Bring it.

597
00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:13,530
Tell the truth.

598
00:26:13,613 --> 00:26:16,074
[ Cheers and applause ]

599
00:26:16,157 --> 00:26:17,409
Good.

600
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:20,662
Tell the truth
and shame the devil.

601
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:26,001
Not my mother, though.
My mom -- My mom don't have --

602
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:28,420
She don't have
the tools to be a racist

603
00:26:28,503 --> 00:26:31,923
because her whole family
looks like that Benetton ad

604
00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:34,050
that I talked to you about.
My mom had a problem with him

605
00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:37,178
because he was Muslim,
not because he was black.

606
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:40,265
Because if you ever want to piss
a Puerto Rican mother off,

607
00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:43,059
you come home with somebody
who doesn't believe in Jesus

608
00:26:43,143 --> 00:26:44,519
or eat pork.

609
00:26:44,602 --> 00:26:47,856
That's how you get
kicked out the house.

610
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:51,109
She'd be, "Qué? Qué?"

611
00:26:51,192 --> 00:26:54,904
That's how you get kicked
out the house.

612
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:56,489
And my ex, he spoke in the --

613
00:26:56,573 --> 00:26:57,949
You know,
he converted to Islam.

614
00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,284
And he did the whole thing.

615
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:01,202
He'd be walking around --
"As-salamu alaykum.

616
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:03,330
[ Speaks Arabic ]
Allahu akbar."

617
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,707
[ Speaks Arabic ]
You know, do all of that.

618
00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:08,251
And she'd be like,
"Hello, Dylan."

619
00:27:08,335 --> 00:27:10,128
[ Laughter ]

620
00:27:10,211 --> 00:27:12,255
"Sit down so you can have
a meal."

621
00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:15,342
And she served him a pork chop.

622
00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:17,344
And, yo, he was like,
"Sorry, Ms. Rodriguez.

623
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:20,221
I'm Muslim. I don't eat pork."

624
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:24,392
And my mother was like,
"[Speaking Spanish]"

625
00:27:27,771 --> 00:27:29,814
[ Laughter ]

626
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,400
She was, um...

627
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:33,943
That means,
"Look at this dumb-ass.

628
00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:37,197
He don't eat pork,
but he eat ass. Okay."

629
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,824
She was, "As-salamu alaykum,
Dylan."

630
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,202
[ Laughter ]

631
00:27:48,958 --> 00:27:51,878
They laugh because they know
these people, you know?

632
00:27:51,961 --> 00:27:55,298
They like, "She really
telling on us."

633
00:27:55,382 --> 00:27:57,592
[ Laughter ]

634
00:27:57,675 --> 00:27:59,177
I also -- Listen,
through this journey,

635
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:01,846
I had an opportunity
to go to the Dominican Republic

636
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,265
and meet my father
for the first time.

637
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:07,310
And it's funny because we sat
in a restaurant,

638
00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:10,939
and every time a woman
walked in, he would be like,

639
00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:13,441
"That's your sister."

640
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:15,568
It happened a few times.

641
00:28:15,652 --> 00:28:18,947
He was so generous,
he gave us each our own mothers.

642
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:20,532
[ Laughter ]

643
00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:24,202
He was like Oprah. "You get
a mother! You get a mother!"

644
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:25,995
[ Laughter ]

645
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,166
[ Applause ]

646
00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:31,626
Oh.

647
00:28:31,709 --> 00:28:34,421
[ Cheers and applause ]

648
00:28:36,714 --> 00:28:38,800
And it's funny because he was
trying to relate to me,

649
00:28:38,883 --> 00:28:40,218
and he was like,
"Mami, tu sabe.

650
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:41,845
You know, you are a performer

651
00:28:41,928 --> 00:28:43,555
because I used
to be a performer.

652
00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,223
I used to sing."
He was like,

653
00:28:45,306 --> 00:28:47,475
"I used to sing about
the 'beaches.'"

654
00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:49,727
And I was like, "The ocean?"

655
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:52,856
He was like,
"No, the 'beaches.'"

656
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:56,067
He was saying "the<i> bitches."</i>

657
00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,653
But, oh, Papi doesn't
do that anymore.

658
00:28:58,736 --> 00:29:01,322
You want to know why he don't
do it no more?

659
00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:03,491
'Cause he woke.

660
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:04,659
[ Laughter ]

661
00:29:04,742 --> 00:29:07,245
On God.
He's woke now.

662
00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:12,000
And he sings
about the environment.

663
00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:15,336
He does. He sings about
the environment, global warming.

664
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:19,048
He sings bachata
about the environment.

665
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,259
And he let me hear
his first single.

666
00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:22,760
He played it for me
when I was there.

667
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:24,846
It's about the turtles,
because, you know,

668
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:26,264
there's a crisis in Puerto Rico

669
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:28,766
and in the Dominican Republic
with the turtles.

670
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:31,186
And he played the song for me.

671
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:33,855
And that shit is trash.

672
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:36,524
[ Laughter ]

673
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,193
Filth.

674
00:29:38,276 --> 00:29:40,278
That song is so bad,
it made me want

675
00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:42,405
to go throw straws
in the ocean.

676
00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:45,825
I was like,
"Man, fuck them turtles, man.

677
00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:49,078
You need to go back
and sing about the 'beaches.'"

678
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:51,080
[ Laughter ]

679
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:54,876
That was weird.

680
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:56,878
[ Laughter ]

681
00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:58,838
That's how we deal
with this shit, comedians.

682
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:03,635
We talk about the shit
that hurts sometimes.

683
00:30:03,718 --> 00:30:05,094
And I think it's funny

684
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:08,681
'cause I'll stand by that song
being trash.

685
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:11,309
You know what I'm saying?

686
00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:13,186
I've talked a lot
about the differences

687
00:30:13,269 --> 00:30:16,272
of Latinos and some of
the things that are divisive

688
00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:18,608
and make us complicated.
But I do want to

689
00:30:18,691 --> 00:30:22,362
praise us because we are
beautiful people and I love us.

690
00:30:22,445 --> 00:30:24,656
And as complicated as we are...

691
00:30:24,739 --> 00:30:26,491
[ Cheers and applause ]

692
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:29,702
As complicated as we are,

693
00:30:29,786 --> 00:30:32,622
we are fucking phenomenal.

694
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:34,165
We're beautiful.

695
00:30:34,249 --> 00:30:37,794
And I'll tell you this. One
thing that we all have in common

696
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:41,589
is, we love food,
and we love our grandmothers.

697
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:43,174
Man: Yeah.
[ Applause ]
Man: Yeah.
[ Applause ]

698
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:46,761
Yes. Abuela is key.

699
00:30:46,844 --> 00:30:49,430
I mean, many of us got raised
by our grandmothers.

700
00:30:49,514 --> 00:30:51,099
Right?
So I love my grandmother.

701
00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:53,101
And I'll tell you,
a lot of people of color --

702
00:30:53,184 --> 00:30:55,228
Like, Asian people
love their grandparents.

703
00:30:55,311 --> 00:30:59,607
Black people love their
grandparents. "My dear."

704
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:03,194
Jewish people
call their grandmothers Bubbe.

705
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:06,823
You know,
regular white people -- Meemaw.

706
00:31:06,906 --> 00:31:08,491
They love their grandmothers.

707
00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:11,744
It's just rich white people.

708
00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:13,663
They lock them up.

709
00:31:13,746 --> 00:31:14,831
[ Laughter ]

710
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:16,207
They be like,
"Keep talking shit.

711
00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:18,042
You going to Shady Acres,
young lady.

712
00:31:18,126 --> 00:31:21,546
Keep fucking with me.
I'll take your house."

713
00:31:21,629 --> 00:31:24,882
[ Laughter ]

714
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:26,384
They be locking them up.

715
00:31:26,467 --> 00:31:29,637
They be like, "This one's
for boarding school, asshole."

716
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,431
[ Laughter ]

717
00:31:31,514 --> 00:31:34,100
They fucking are hilarious.
Not us, though.

718
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:38,146
We ride our grandparents
till the wheels fall off.

719
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:42,066
We do. And we be fucking --
Our old grandparents.

720
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:43,484
Yo, I don't know what's worse.

721
00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:46,654
The home or the house
of an ethnic person

722
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:49,407
and a poor grandparent.
Grandma be on a walker,

723
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:53,620
just got a hip replacement,
holding a baby.

724
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:55,663
[ Laughter ]

725
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,583
She got to babysit because you
want to be a ho.

726
00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:02,545
They be like, "Aaaa!"
walking around.

727
00:32:02,629 --> 00:32:04,464
We be making them do shit
they don't want to do.

728
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:07,342
"Wait a minute, my grandma gonna
make her homemade biscuits.

729
00:32:07,425 --> 00:32:10,803
Hold on." Grandma be like,
"I'm coming, baby!"

730
00:32:10,887 --> 00:32:12,639
It's so fucked up.

731
00:32:12,722 --> 00:32:14,182
People come to the house
and be like,

732
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:18,519
"Yo, you got a skeleton
in the crib?"

733
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:20,063
We like, "That's not a skeleton.

734
00:32:20,146 --> 00:32:22,649
That's the matriarch
of this family.

735
00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:26,319
You will not be disrespecting
my abuela panza like that."

736
00:32:26,402 --> 00:32:27,987
[ Cheers and applause ]

737
00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:36,162
I'm gonna be a grandmother one
day 'cause I have older kids.

738
00:32:36,245 --> 00:32:40,083
We grew up together,
my children and I.

739
00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:41,542
[ Laughter ]

740
00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:43,836
The Latinos get it, right?
They're like --

741
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,048
We kind of all grew up
with our parents 'cause...

742
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:49,759
Right? You remember
your grandmother turned 40?

743
00:32:49,842 --> 00:32:51,552
I do. That shit was...

744
00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:54,597
That shit was lit!

745
00:32:54,681 --> 00:32:57,392
[ Laughter ]
Whoo! We turned up.
[ Laughter ]
Whoo! We turned up.

746
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:02,146
No, my kids are older now,

747
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:04,482
and I talk to them.
We have these conversations

748
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:07,026
and reflect on their childhood.

749
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:09,404
I remember when my daughter
was a teenager.

750
00:33:09,487 --> 00:33:11,322
She and I was talking
about it, right?

751
00:33:11,406 --> 00:33:15,284
My daughter -- They grew up
in the suburbs, alright?

752
00:33:15,368 --> 00:33:18,121
And my daughter looked me
in my eye in my own home

753
00:33:18,204 --> 00:33:20,581
and said, "I hate you."

754
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:24,252
And I was like, "I'm so glad
you said it first.

755
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:27,880
Like, thank you for releasing me
of this burden.

756
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:31,092
Like, I've been holding on
to this since you were 9.

757
00:33:31,175 --> 00:33:34,762
Like, I've been waiting
on the right time to tell you.

758
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:39,350
I feel the same way you do."

759
00:33:39,434 --> 00:33:42,645
But I could never say
"I hate you" to my mother.

760
00:33:42,729 --> 00:33:45,606
That bitch was a lunatic.

761
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:48,067
My siblings -- My mother
would drop-kick me

762
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:50,445
like the bitch
in kindergarten,

763
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:52,321
and I would sound like the lady

764
00:33:52,405 --> 00:33:54,115
from the
"no smoking" commercial.

765
00:33:54,198 --> 00:33:55,491
You know that lady?

766
00:33:55,575 --> 00:33:58,453
[ Raspy voice ]
"I talked back to my mother.

767
00:33:58,536 --> 00:33:59,912
She kicked me in the throat.

768
00:33:59,996 --> 00:34:03,040
I've been talking like this
ever since.

769
00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:05,918
Smoke cigarets.
Don't talk back to your mother."

770
00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:07,712
[ Laughter ]

771
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:10,298
[ Normal voice ]
Straight up.

772
00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:11,924
[ Cheers and applause ]

773
00:34:16,053 --> 00:34:17,638
As a mom, like, I always --

774
00:34:17,722 --> 00:34:19,348
I feel like I need to talk
about it

775
00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:24,187
because my kids are older now,
but they don't leave.

776
00:34:24,270 --> 00:34:26,355
That was a joke.

777
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:27,982
[ Laughter ]

778
00:34:28,065 --> 00:34:32,487
They don't. They grow up,
but they don't leave.

779
00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:36,074
At least mine don't.
They don't leave.

780
00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:38,868
Look, Latino kids don't leave.

781
00:34:38,951 --> 00:34:42,038
That's why we're dysfunctional.
We got problems with the men.

782
00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:44,081
Our kids don't leave.

783
00:34:44,165 --> 00:34:46,542
I just got
to get that off my chest.

784
00:34:46,626 --> 00:34:48,920
[ Laughter ]

785
00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:50,671
And I adore those kids.

786
00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:54,842
I mean, I fought third graders
for my son.

787
00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:56,385
That's when
I started fighting --

788
00:34:56,469 --> 00:35:00,598
when I had somebody
that I loved more than myself.

789
00:35:00,681 --> 00:35:03,726
I wasn't enough to fight for,
but I fought for those kids.

790
00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:09,524
My son got jumped in third grade
by these future criminals.

791
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:11,359
And I threw all of them up
against the wall,

792
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:14,362
and I was like, "Look, if you
ever touch my son again,

793
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:17,114
I'm-a kill y'all."

794
00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:19,659
I was so mad. And I was like,
"And you can tell your mom

795
00:35:19,742 --> 00:35:23,871
when she gets out of jail
that I'm here every day

796
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:25,623
because I love my kids."

797
00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:28,376
[ Applause ]

798
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:31,337
And the next day,
the mom showed up.

799
00:35:31,420 --> 00:35:32,922
One of the moms.
And she was like,

800
00:35:33,005 --> 00:35:35,967
"Did you touch my kid?"
I said, "As a matter of fact,

801
00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:38,636
I pushed all three of them
up against the wall,"

802
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:41,013
I said, "because
they jumped my son."

803
00:35:41,097 --> 00:35:45,893
And she said, "Thank you.
I can't give him to listen."

804
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:49,355
And I was like,
"The first ass whupping is free.

805
00:35:49,438 --> 00:35:52,358
But if you want me
to keep doing this shit, bitch,

806
00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:55,945
you gonna have to pay me
because they going to jail.

807
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:58,406
They definitely going to jail."

808
00:35:58,489 --> 00:35:59,657
I was one of those mothers

809
00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:02,201
that was always
driving around her kids.

810
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:03,828
Everybody knew me and my Camry.

811
00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:07,832
My daughter used to put
safety pins to hold up the roof

812
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:11,419
that she destroyed
in the first place.

813
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:15,464
And I learned to reconcile
my road rage through my children

814
00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:18,634
because I was always in the car
and it would help you.

815
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:21,387
Like, I started making
psychological assessments

816
00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:24,891
about people
according to how they drive.

817
00:36:24,974 --> 00:36:30,521
It really helps. Like, people
who won't let you in

818
00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:32,315
will never let you in.

819
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:33,566
[ Laughter ]

820
00:36:33,649 --> 00:36:35,902
They're dark, evil people.

821
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:37,945
Stop rolling up
to their windows,

822
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,739
begging them for acceptance.

823
00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:41,073
They hate you.

824
00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:44,535
They're never
gonna let you in.

825
00:36:44,619 --> 00:36:47,538
People who tailgate
have abandonment issues.

826
00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,665
[ Laughter ]

827
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:51,292
That's why they driving
so close.

828
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:52,960
'Cause they need a hug.

829
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,755
[ Laughter ]

830
00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:58,090
And people who switch lanes
without signals

831
00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,967
don't use condoms.

832
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:01,761
So...

833
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:04,138
stay away from them, ladies.

834
00:37:04,221 --> 00:37:06,057
[ Cheers and applause ]

835
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:08,601
They'll ruin your life.

836
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:15,483
Yo, speaking of relationships...

837
00:37:15,566 --> 00:37:19,654
it's funny because I have
a friend named Cee Cee

838
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:23,699
who is paranoid
and always on high alert.

839
00:37:23,783 --> 00:37:27,286
Like, she always thinks somebody
is trying to do something to us.

840
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:30,873
Everywhere we go, she's like,
"Look, he's looking at us.

841
00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:32,416
He's gonna do
something to us.

842
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:34,251
Why does he keep
looking at us?

843
00:37:34,335 --> 00:37:37,088
I'm like, "Bitch, because
he's trying to take our order.

844
00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:39,924
[ Laughter ]

845
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:42,551
He works here."

846
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:45,346
And she thinks it's funny
to drop fun facts

847
00:37:45,429 --> 00:37:48,849
about the places that I go to
because women...

848
00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:51,477
women are constantly
under attack, right?

849
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,104
The femicide rates have gone up.

850
00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:54,271
Puerto Rico got a problem,

851
00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:55,690
Dominican Republic got
a problem,

852
00:37:55,773 --> 00:37:57,316
and America has a problem.

853
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:01,070
So women walk around scared
because we have to be scared

854
00:38:01,153 --> 00:38:05,282
because men are crazy, right?

855
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:06,534
And so everywhere I go,

856
00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:09,996
like Montana,
she's like, "You know,

857
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:13,749
they got a high missing rate
of indigenous women,

858
00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:16,335
and you
one of them Taína bitches."

859
00:38:16,419 --> 00:38:19,714
[ Laughter ]

860
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:21,966
And I'll tell you,
I went to Ohio,

861
00:38:22,049 --> 00:38:24,635
and Cee Cee
sent me some fun facts

862
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,471
because she thinks
this shit is funny.

863
00:38:27,555 --> 00:38:29,015
And she's like, "Yo, fun fact.

864
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:33,227
Ohio has the most missing women
in all of America.

865
00:38:33,310 --> 00:38:36,564
Fun fact -- Ohio has
the most missing women of color

866
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:39,066
in all of America.

867
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:43,237
Fun fact -- Ohio has the most
missing women of color over 35

868
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:45,406
in America.

869
00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:48,075
They snatching old bitches, too.

870
00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:50,244
[ Laughter ]

871
00:38:50,327 --> 00:38:52,955
Have fun in Ohio!"

872
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,499
[ Laughter ]

873
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,085
And she always sends
a little emoji.

874
00:38:58,169 --> 00:39:00,212
And I get to Ohio,
and what happens?

875
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:01,422
A serial killer

876
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:04,258
is apprehended
for murdering women

877
00:39:04,341 --> 00:39:08,095
that he was hiding
in the back of his house

878
00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:10,639
while his girlfriend
lived there.

879
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:15,269
Yeah, he would go out
and kill women and rape them.

880
00:39:15,352 --> 00:39:16,854
Talk about side bitches.

881
00:39:16,937 --> 00:39:19,148
[ Laughter ]

882
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,115
[ Laughter continues ]

883
00:39:29,867 --> 00:39:31,660
His girlfriend
actually had moved out

884
00:39:31,744 --> 00:39:33,746
right before he was apprehended,

885
00:39:33,829 --> 00:39:37,708
and -- 'cause she -- she felt
something was going on.

886
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:39,960
You can't even go
to the bathroom with me.

887
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:41,712
I be like,
"Where are you going?

888
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:44,173
You got six minutes to pee
and come back."

889
00:39:44,256 --> 00:39:46,759
That's how much I trust men.

890
00:39:46,842 --> 00:39:50,513
But this woman was interviewed
by a reporter,

891
00:39:50,596 --> 00:39:53,182
and you can see
that she was in shock,

892
00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:54,892
and I could see it
all over her face.

893
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:58,187
Like, they asked her, "What --
What are you feeling right now?"

894
00:39:58,270 --> 00:39:59,647
And I'm thinking to myself,

895
00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:02,566
"I know exactly what
she's feeling. I'm a woman.

896
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:07,071
She's like, 'He
never tried to choke me once.

897
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:11,158
All these bitches look better
than me?

898
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,702
My boyfriend thinks I'm ugly.'"

899
00:40:13,786 --> 00:40:15,746
[ Laughter ]

900
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,336
Oh, wouldn't be me.

901
00:40:22,419 --> 00:40:24,255
It's funny.
We talk about relationships.

902
00:40:24,338 --> 00:40:28,634
My mother, Margarita,
called me the other day

903
00:40:28,717 --> 00:40:30,719
and said she checked
her husband's phone

904
00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:34,640
and found another bitch
texting him.

905
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,851
He's 78.

906
00:40:36,934 --> 00:40:38,352
[ Laughter ]

907
00:40:38,435 --> 00:40:40,521
When does it end, fellas?

908
00:40:40,604 --> 00:40:43,607
Like, when?

909
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:45,901
And he pees on himself.

910
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:47,486
[ Laughter ]

911
00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:50,865
I need to know the bitch
that's texting.

912
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:52,366
You know, who's texting him?

913
00:40:52,449 --> 00:40:55,494
He got toe fungus.

914
00:40:55,578 --> 00:40:56,996
And he got a Depend on.

915
00:40:57,079 --> 00:40:59,707
Like, I want to know,
who is fucking

916
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:01,750
for a Social Security check?

917
00:41:01,834 --> 00:41:05,546
Who is riding a dick
that's popping out of a diaper

918
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:07,131
for Social Security money?

919
00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,508
I need to meet this bitch.

920
00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:10,843
[ Laughter ]

921
00:41:10,926 --> 00:41:13,804
'Cause she got a stomach
of steel.

922
00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,973
[ Laughter ]

923
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,727
You know, the older men get,

924
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:22,730
the more they share
their problems with us ladies

925
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:25,482
because they think
we're getting older, too,

926
00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:27,359
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