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(guitar music)

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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- [Announcer] The North
American Rocky Mountains

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may well in fact be one of the
most curious mountain ranges

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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in the Western hemisphere.

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Rising from the crust of the earth

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over 60 million years ago,

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this broad belt of pristine mountain peaks

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will leave anyone in awe.

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Stretching from the southern United States

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well into the north, most
edges of British Columbia.

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This vast stretch of all
alluring mountain peaks

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hold refuge for some of North
America's greatest predators,

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the American cougar, the
black bear, the wolverine

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the grizzly bear, the
North American pink toe,

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and of course the legendary
North Canadian Samsquanch.

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(guitar music continues)

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(easy listening elevator music)

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- Come on down to Manitou Springs.

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We got our state
championship football coach,

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Doug Slayback Johnson here with us.

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My name is Wilson Pickett.

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I'm the preacher at the third
Christian Church downtown.

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Now, if you'd come out to
the beautiful Manitou Springs

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you can come see sites such as

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the Cliffs of Muffin
Stain or Packed Penis,

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throw Frisbee with your friends,

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maybe even do a little bit of leap frog.

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It's a great time!

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(test signal beeps)

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- Gotta run!

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(easy listening elevator music continues)

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(test signal beeps)

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- Holy hallelujah!

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(dramatic music)

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(panicked screaming)

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- Wilson!

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Looks like a wolf.

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- [Wilson] Oh God! (panicked
screaming continues)

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(Samsquanch growls)

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I'm coming!

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Wilson!

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Wilson!

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Wilson, where are you?

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(Wilson screaming and Samsquanch growling)

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(ominous music)

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- Odious, insidious, heinous, ghastly.

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These are just a few words

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to describe what lurks in the darkness.

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Living off of fear

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and sweet, sweet Rocky Mountain back-meat,

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the Samsquanch.

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I mean, where the hell do I even begin?

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My sighting of the Samsquanch
was the first official

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sighting in North America.

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Hell, I've been sending in reports

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to Digby O'Donoghue for months,

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but until people started getting attacked,

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he finally started taking
my reports seriously.

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Fucking better late than never I suppose.

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They brought in a Big Foot expert

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to come in and track the
beast, Mr. Mountain Mike.

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Yeah, Mountain Mike.

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You know what that means?

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- Tell me about your
experiences with the Samsquanch.

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- I don't know.

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It was like a combination of
like a werewolf and you know,

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like a monkey or something.

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It was just, it's seared in my brain.

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The image of that is seared just in here.

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It's constantly going through my mind

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pretty much 24 hours a day.

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And you know, luckily with
Rick being a bigger man

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he was able to kind of wrestle him off me

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and we kind of spooked him off.

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We were doing kind of,
"Ahoo, Ahoo-hoo, hoo!"

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Like a hooting motion, a
lot of scrutiny happening,

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and I think it's a lot of
people don't believe us,

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they don't believe our story, you know?

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And we're getting a lot of flack for it,

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and one of the main things is

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Rick got a little bit behind in the polls.

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- I don't think it's fair that my opponent

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keeps trying to use things against me.

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I was in an encounter with the Samsquanch.

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He's a Canadian monster, and
I'm not after sympathy votes,

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I'm after revenge and making
Coloradi a better place.

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- Yeah, I ain't worried
about that little sissy.

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No chance.

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Not in my hometown.

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- Then why haven't you done anything

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about the Samsquanch attacks?

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- I'm still trying to understand

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what the hell you're trying to say.

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Sam what?
- Squanch.

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- Yeah, I think it's
pronounced Sasquatch, Mr. Mike.

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- Not Sasquatch, it's
Samsquanch, he's Canadian.

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- Gross.

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- How did his parents even meet?

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Was there like a White
Russian night at Tito's?

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I don't get it.

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America shouldn't be forced
to swallow a red sandwich.

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Vote for Spartan, vote
America's P back in the V.

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(news theme music)

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- Hello America.

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You're watching Digby After Dark.

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Tonight we bring you late breaking news

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regarding the recent unrest

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over violent attacks occurring
in the upper elevations

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of Pikes National Forest.

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Now, several of these
attacks have been attributed

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to a Yeti-type beast
said to have been seen

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outside the southern edges
of a quaint little town

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that we all know and
love, Manitou Springs.

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Now some of these
stories and these reports

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are so haunting and so horrific

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that good old Digby had to
go dig the dirt himself.

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I'm here today with a number of victims

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who are brave enough to come
out and tell their stories.

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The truth.

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- I had a young lamb disappear,
and I went off to find it.

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While looking for a sign,

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I squatted down to have a
smell of a fresh pile of shit.

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That's when that damn Squanch,
he seen himself a target.

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He sailed in to play pin
the tail on the honky,

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37 meters out, a talented bastard.

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And after that things were
never quite the same for me.

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And the town began calling
me different names.

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Squanchy-Pants, Hanus Amos.

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People are very cruel.

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- Wait a second, someone attacked you?

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- Yes, and I had to fight it,

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I'm out for revenge.

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I want to find it.

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I'm not saying all this
for sympathy votes.

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In all honesty, this makes me sound crazy,

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but this is serious business.

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It's not a Sasquatch, it's a Samsquanch.

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Only hillbillies and pedophiles
believe in the Sasquatch.

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- What we experienced was real.

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What my husband, Rick
Sandwich, has to say is real.

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- I know it's not healthy
to talk like this when

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you're trying to run for
a political position,

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but I'm trying to be real with you guys.

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Trump was real with you guys,

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he'd just say all kinds of mean shit

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and you guys voted him right in.

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- Everyone's looking at Samsquanch

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like he's some sort of villain,

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but he's not a villain at all.

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Everyone loves Samsquanch in Canada.

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- Again, gee, it's been
bad with snow backs,

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they got their claws dug in deep,

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just like them moon landings.

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They're trying to keep us from
knowing the truth about it.

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And especially that damn squanch.

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- Really?
Okay.

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- He's never got out his teenage,

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he's never punched, danced
out his rage as a teenager.

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And now he's a pimped up piece of shit,

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just full of come and anger.

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- Think they're trying
to get the sympathy vote.

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This might be one of those
tall tales from Gary Sandwich.

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- But you know how these
things get started.

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It's one guy who tells his friend

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who tells his cousin who tells his wife

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who tells her knitting club.

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Everyone adds their own variation.

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- These take a lot of
courage to come forward

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and share what happened
to them in their attacks.

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This next gentleman is no exception.

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- Hello, my name is Wilson Pickett

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and I'm a small town preacher
in a town nearby here.

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This beast that they
refer to is not a beast.

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Nobody knows exactly
where Jesus Christ went

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after he disappeared.

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And I'm here to show these
people that we are not victims,

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but we are a chosen few.

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- Hi, I'm Doug Johnson.

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I'm here at the S.A.V.A
for the other guys.

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I'm here to show them that after these

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post traumatic events,

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that life goes on and can
still live a great life

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and there's nothing to be ashamed of,

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and to move forward with your lives.

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And I'm here to be a shining
example for these guys.

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- Out of nowhere came this monstrosity.

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It had to have been
seven or eight feet tall

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and really, really smelly.

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- And I'm not after sympathy votes,

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I'm after revenge and making
Coloradi a better place.

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- It's just retribution.

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You're never gonna catch him,
you're never gonna stop him.

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He's got that Canadian pride.

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- When I accepted the job
for Mr. and Mr. Sandwich,

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honestly, I kind of overplayed my hand,

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but I was ready for the challenge

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and dove head deep into
learning everything I could

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about the Dicksquanch.

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Well, let's go back, before all of this

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I even had my doubts.

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I was tired of searching
the countless dead ends

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on the inter webs when I
stumbled across Pauly Creep-O.

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♪ Well the fiends they come
from deep within the woods ♪

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♪ Filth filled divine visions ♪

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♪ They're gonna bleed upon the clover ♪

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♪ And consume the clotted thoughts ♪

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- I heard of a band who would
summon the ancient dick demon

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with a Samsquanch circle.

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Formally regarded as a fringe bipolar

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minister of the occult,

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I met up with him after
reading about an incident

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regarding a bearded body dick demon.

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- So I'm Ray Ray, also
known as Pauly Creep-O.

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Singer, songwriter,

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00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:36,053
priest of the Brothers of
White Light Satanic Group.

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And I know how to summon Samsquanch

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from the Samsquanch circles.

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- Finding him was a challenge.

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He wasn't exactly open,

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but he wasn't closed to
meeting with us either.

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- You got me on a weird, awkward time.

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It's setting, but there's a lot of stuff

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to be talked about for sure.

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But don't go away, but
Samsquanch, not around there.

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Keep your fucking mouth shut.

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Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

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Not here.

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We'll talk later.

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- [Mike] Finding him was a challenge.

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It took me to some far corners
of the underground occult.

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(eerie occult music)

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I found him performing at a
local satanic ritual in town.

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- Hail Satan!

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- [Audience] Hail Satan!

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- The gypsy side of town
where the whistle blows,

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and sort of the babushkas,
if you catch my mid drift.

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Many of these people seem distant at first

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and something not quite right,

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but at the same time much more real

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than anyone I've ever met before.

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The freaks, the ghouls,
the one-eyed monsters,

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they all come out to play
if you show a little skin,

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if you dig me, pygmy.

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Within these low lives lives a man broken

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by the ancient ass-splonker,
the Samsquanch.

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- Circle is a spiral, consistent descent.

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So you draw your circle sigil
in the dirt with sticks.

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Arrow facing downward, arrow
facing upward, duality.

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Be careful with that shit, that
shit will fuck you up, man,

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because that's when it all happens.

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And you think you're just messing around

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with some ancient shit,

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and then maybe it's cool and it's fun,

256
00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:29,400
and then all of a sudden,
the next thing you know

257
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,910
your life's completely fucked up.

258
00:12:30,910 --> 00:12:34,787
Hailstorms, lightning
storms, fires just erupting

259
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:36,610
out of fucking nowhere.

260
00:12:36,610 --> 00:12:37,443
Then you have to continue on,

261
00:12:37,443 --> 00:12:40,386
because it doesn't want to be summoned.

262
00:12:40,386 --> 00:12:44,136
(ominous music and growling)

263
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,380
- We had pinpointed a few select locations

264
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:55,640
through this ancient
spell book that I acquired

265
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,760
off of some practitioners of
this old ancient black magic

266
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:04,300
who incidentally summoned a Samsquanch.

267
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,283
The problem with this was that
none of it was in English.

268
00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:10,700
We spent the whole first day lost.

269
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:14,637
And I mean, we finally, it
was in the middle of the night

270
00:13:14,637 --> 00:13:17,240
by the time we got to our campsite.

271
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,970
These old mountain mining roads,

272
00:13:18,970 --> 00:13:20,770
I mean they're terrible to navigate

273
00:13:20,770 --> 00:13:22,340
during the middle of the day,

274
00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:24,310
I mean, let alone at night.

275
00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:27,070
All these thousand foot
drop-offs at any given turn,

276
00:13:27,070 --> 00:13:28,460
I mean, just rough terrain

277
00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,630
to try and traverse in
the middle of the night.

278
00:13:30,630 --> 00:13:33,493
We eventually made it in,
you know, we settled in.

279
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,363
We weren't prepared for the weather.

280
00:13:40,890 --> 00:13:44,163
That first night it
dipped down to 24 degrees.

281
00:13:45,890 --> 00:13:47,403
- It got so fucking cold.

282
00:13:49,677 --> 00:13:52,240
I mean, it got down to like 26 degrees,

283
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,090
and it's it middle of fucking summer.

284
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:59,763
And I got up this morning
and everything was frozen.

285
00:14:00,890 --> 00:14:04,083
We tried to go out this
morning and we got rained out.

286
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:10,260
- Lots of rain, pretty normal
I guess, for Colorado Springs.

287
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,570
- Yeah, I'm not sure why
they were put out so much

288
00:14:12,570 --> 00:14:13,403
by the rain.

289
00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:18,360
I mean, granted, it did rain
pretty much the entire time.

290
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,408
I mean, I knew once we were up there,

291
00:14:20,408 --> 00:14:22,010
there there's no turning
back till we found

292
00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:24,059
what we were looking for.

293
00:14:24,059 --> 00:14:26,520
It's gonna take a little bit
more than a little bit of rain

294
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,630
in order to get rid of old Mountain Mike.

295
00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:32,050
You have to have a focus mindset
to tackle a hunt like this.

296
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:34,200
I mean, I try to tell
everyone this is probably

297
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,827
gonna take a few weeks in
order to track Samsquanch down.

298
00:14:39,802 --> 00:14:40,635
Oh, fuck, man!

299
00:14:48,351 --> 00:14:49,760
- [Russell] Maybe you
shouldn't be drinking.

300
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,847
- Whoa, fuck, dude!

301
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:52,805
- Well, quit drinking.

302
00:14:52,805 --> 00:14:54,190
- Dude, my shoe just fucking got submerged

303
00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:55,413
in a fucking mud hole.

304
00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:57,223
Fuck!

305
00:15:05,583 --> 00:15:08,700
- [Russell] Just a little mud.

306
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,150
- You call this a little mud?

307
00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:13,550
Fuck!

308
00:15:13,550 --> 00:15:14,383
Man.

309
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:22,333
A little mud, with fucking
soggy-ass fucking socks.

310
00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:24,883
Fuck, man.

311
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:27,413
Whatever.

312
00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:29,600
- You were taking your time.
- Whatever.

313
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,079
- Maybe if you had kept up,
this wouldn't have happened.

314
00:15:32,079 --> 00:15:33,479
You can follow my footsteps.

315
00:15:36,147 --> 00:15:38,402
Working in the Rockies
with a fucking alcoholic.

316
00:15:38,402 --> 00:15:39,650
(Mike burps)

317
00:15:39,650 --> 00:15:41,550
- Onwards and upwards

318
00:15:41,550 --> 00:15:42,883
is what I usually say.

319
00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:46,213
- Is that right?

320
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,520
- Yeah, most of the time.

321
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,970
You got to be extra diligent.

322
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,800
You don't want to step on something

323
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,200
that doesn't agree with you.

324
00:15:56,744 --> 00:15:59,820
(crows cawing)

325
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:02,320
(drum pounds)

326
00:16:08,286 --> 00:16:11,270
What we have here, this uprooted tree,

327
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,910
sometimes these things just fall over,

328
00:16:12,910 --> 00:16:15,340
but not really any way to tell for sure,

329
00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:17,730
but a lot of the times these Samsquanches

330
00:16:17,730 --> 00:16:19,933
will push these things over.

331
00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:23,570
There's nothing glamorous about the hunt.

332
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:26,820
It's nearly an endless
battle in brutally hiking

333
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,790
in terrible weather. (thunder crashes)

334
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:33,970
99% of the time when you
just don't see anything.

335
00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:37,260
There's certain things that
you look out for, signs,

336
00:16:37,260 --> 00:16:39,690
but if you cover enough
of the ground, I mean,

337
00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:41,723
sometimes you might strike gold.

338
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:45,920
(ominous music)

339
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:57,043
We stumbled across some
really encouraging footprints.

340
00:16:58,210 --> 00:17:00,750
The guys were convinced it was a bear,

341
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:05,000
but I mean the strides of this
thing were just way too wide.

342
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,180
And the actual prints
themselves were at least

343
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:10,043
three times the size of my foot.

344
00:17:11,140 --> 00:17:14,270
The opposable thumb toe on the footprint

345
00:17:14,270 --> 00:17:16,093
was just a dead giveaway.

346
00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:21,570
I mean, we follow these
footsteps out east towards

347
00:17:21,570 --> 00:17:25,380
the Cliffs of Muffin Stain,
these beautiful cliffs.

348
00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:26,820
I mean they offer shelter.

349
00:17:26,820 --> 00:17:29,800
The kind of place that Samsquanches

350
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,947
like to drag their victims to.

351
00:17:31,947 --> 00:17:35,740
And luckily after tracking
this beast for two days

352
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:37,410
we came across some droppings

353
00:17:37,410 --> 00:17:42,250
and there was no doubt that
they were Samsquanch feces.

354
00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:46,480
The smell was just this
wretched odor, a stench.

355
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:51,013
I mean, much like a dirty diaper
full of rotten sauerkraut.

356
00:17:52,176 --> 00:17:55,210
I mean, it smelled like
Gary Busey was doing squats.

357
00:17:55,210 --> 00:17:57,290
We're picking up a scent
and picking up its trail,

358
00:17:57,290 --> 00:17:59,240
we're closing in on it before too long.

359
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,930
I wouldn't be surprised if
it's watching us right now.

360
00:18:03,930 --> 00:18:07,183
I really don't have a good
feeling about this, guys.

361
00:18:07,183 --> 00:18:09,900
We just walked right
into its back doorstep.

362
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,047
I wasn't going to miss out
on an opportunity like this.

363
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:15,480
And if we're going to have any
chance of finding this beast,

364
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,050
we needed to go ahead and
recreate the Samsquanch circle.

365
00:18:19,050 --> 00:18:21,290
We had the tree stumps, the footprints,

366
00:18:21,290 --> 00:18:24,350
and finally the Samsquanch dropping formed

367
00:18:24,350 --> 00:18:26,670
a trifecta of evidence that, I mean,

368
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,670
we were closing in on this thing.

369
00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:30,500
I got a few looks from the guys.

370
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,540
I'm pretty sure they
thought I was full of shit,

371
00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:35,363
but they weren't skeptics for long.

372
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,250
- We saw him go into a
fucking trance of some sort.

373
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,657
He was walking around in
this circle screaming,

374
00:18:43,657 --> 00:18:45,305
"Wobble, wobble."

375
00:18:45,305 --> 00:18:48,110
- Wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble,

376
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:50,132
wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble,

377
00:18:50,132 --> 00:18:54,049
wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble.

378
00:19:01,055 --> 00:19:03,307
- Is this for real?

379
00:19:03,307 --> 00:19:04,640
(ominous music continues)

380
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,247
This is really gonna
summon your Samsquanch?

381
00:19:08,990 --> 00:19:10,593
- [Mike] Yes, it's gonna summon him.

382
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,890
- [Russell] What is it?

383
00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:15,640
- [Mike] The sign of the garbanzos.

384
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:22,390
And you've got the path,
the way that leads you.

385
00:19:22,390 --> 00:19:23,890
You've got the all-seeing eye.

386
00:19:26,234 --> 00:19:27,434
And you've got the cube.

387
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:33,693
But looking back, I really
wish I hadn't have summoned it.

388
00:19:34,910 --> 00:19:37,090
Hey, I mean it wasn't five minutes passed

389
00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:42,090
until we heard this craziest
howl that you've ever heard.

390
00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:47,210
Russell ended up drawing his
gun and went to investigate.

391
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,613
Little did we know that things
were about to go very wrong.

392
00:19:52,082 --> 00:19:55,582
(ominous music continues)

393
00:20:07,344 --> 00:20:09,140
I dunno what that sound was.

394
00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:11,260
I heard something, though.

395
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,567
I am really on edge right now, guys.

396
00:20:14,458 --> 00:20:15,930
I don't know about y'all,

397
00:20:15,930 --> 00:20:19,060
but I really feel like
something's staring at us,

398
00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:20,260
something's watching us.

399
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,070
Ever since we made the Samsquanch circle

400
00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:45,890
we've been hearing these
really weird sounds.

401
00:20:45,890 --> 00:20:47,920
We heard this unbelievable howl.

402
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,090
It's just the most incredible
thing I've ever seen or heard.

403
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:54,147
It's just unbelievable.

404
00:20:54,147 --> 00:20:57,010
(screaming)

405
00:20:57,010 --> 00:20:59,390
Dude, some fucking
hillbilly ass fucking loon

406
00:20:59,390 --> 00:21:01,440
just threw a fucking hatchet at me.

407
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,290
- They talk about cutting the fabric,

408
00:21:04,185 --> 00:21:05,643
that pretty much almost happened today.

409
00:21:05,643 --> 00:21:06,476
- I could have fucking died.

410
00:21:06,476 --> 00:21:08,240
I don't know what the fuck
these dudes are doing.

411
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,830
They just fucking came out of nowhere,

412
00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:11,110
threw this fucking thing at me.

413
00:21:11,110 --> 00:21:13,550
And then they fucking took
off like a bat out of hell

414
00:21:13,550 --> 00:21:16,340
and fucking screaming and
hooting and hollering.

415
00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:18,370
- So we have had nonstop problems with

416
00:21:18,370 --> 00:21:19,620
these fucking hillbillies up here,

417
00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:21,560
just following us around, giving us hell,

418
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,150
fucking with us every step of the way.

419
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:25,960
- They've been stalking
us and fucking with us.

420
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,240
This is nonstop, you
know, we constantly feel

421
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,063
like there's eyes on us and
watching everything that we do.

422
00:21:33,328 --> 00:21:37,031
(grenades exploding)

423
00:21:37,031 --> 00:21:39,260
(gunshots firing)

424
00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:42,240
- Today they escalated
things to a whole new level.

425
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,690
They fucking threw a
hatchet, it almost hit Mike.

426
00:21:44,690 --> 00:21:46,710
It would have killed him most likely.

427
00:21:46,710 --> 00:21:49,450
- Yeah, those redneck guys
threw a hatchet at Mike.

428
00:21:49,450 --> 00:21:51,503
Sorry, I shouldn't laugh about that.

429
00:21:51,503 --> 00:21:54,430
But, yeah, could have got
him in the back of the head,

430
00:21:54,430 --> 00:21:55,560
which was crazy.

431
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,230
- In my home village
we'll only worry about

432
00:21:57,230 --> 00:22:01,060
malaria, drug trafficking,
grams and hipsters.

433
00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:03,880
Here's only crazy ass hillbillies.

434
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,040
- If they come back I'm
gonna fucking do something.

435
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,360
I'm gonna fucking hurt them.

436
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,520
- To be honest, this
Mountain Mike's bullshit.

437
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,730
He pay me and my cousin to film his hunt

438
00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:13,860
for Canadian Big Foot.

439
00:22:13,860 --> 00:22:18,175
- Ray-Ray is my cousin
by blood in a sense.

440
00:22:18,175 --> 00:22:20,540
He kinda moved in with me
back when we were in college

441
00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,780
and we both went to film school.

442
00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:24,490
He had an obsession with Michael Bay.

443
00:22:24,490 --> 00:22:26,110
- I go to a film school in America

444
00:22:26,110 --> 00:22:29,840
hoping to work for the greatest
director ever, Michael Bay.

445
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,363
Anyway, I already got paid upfront.

446
00:22:33,290 --> 00:22:35,419
I might bail at any time.

447
00:22:35,419 --> 00:22:38,002
(crows cawing)

448
00:23:00,688 --> 00:23:02,510
- A Samsquanch circle is a lot like

449
00:23:02,510 --> 00:23:04,461
your typical magic circle.

450
00:23:04,461 --> 00:23:06,961
(eerie music)

451
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:15,013
But the problem is the delayed
reaction to the ritual.

452
00:23:15,013 --> 00:23:18,346
(eerie music continues)

453
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,333
A lot of people live in a
world of immediate results.

454
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,170
I'll admit, it's hard maintaining
employment in a market

455
00:23:27,170 --> 00:23:30,400
of the supernatural inside a
world of immediate results.

456
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,820
But nonetheless, with patience,
garners peculiar results.

457
00:23:34,820 --> 00:23:37,940
We just needed more effort
to perfect the ritual.

458
00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:40,400
It doesn't always hook the first time.

459
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,230
The guys were chomping at
the bit, no room for error.

460
00:23:43,230 --> 00:23:44,830
- First day, we didn't see shit.

461
00:23:46,540 --> 00:23:49,290
Just went on a hike basically
and followed the fat kid.

462
00:23:50,475 --> 00:23:52,670
It was like a potato laid eggs.

463
00:23:52,670 --> 00:23:56,040
Man, like I knew I hit rock bottom,

464
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,363
but fuck me.

465
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,320
- I get their doubtful nature.

466
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,730
But an iron resolve is
absolutely necessary

467
00:24:03,730 --> 00:24:05,130
when proving the impossible.

468
00:24:08,835 --> 00:24:09,736
- It's real bad.

469
00:24:09,736 --> 00:24:12,560
- I think this is the
worst one that we've had

470
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,393
since we've been here.

471
00:24:13,393 --> 00:24:15,210
- Yeah, this is pretty bad.

472
00:24:15,210 --> 00:24:17,160
- How many circle jerks
do you need until we find

473
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,690
the fucking Samsquanch?

474
00:24:18,690 --> 00:24:19,523
- Three of them.

475
00:24:19,523 --> 00:24:21,040
- Three?
So this was two.

476
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,930
So we got one more, right?

477
00:24:22,930 --> 00:24:25,344
- No, they come and find you.

478
00:24:25,344 --> 00:24:28,297
They're psychically linked.

479
00:24:28,297 --> 00:24:31,593
- [Tim] Remember that time
we killed a seal with a club?

480
00:24:32,790 --> 00:24:34,670
- One seal, that's fucked up,

481
00:24:34,670 --> 00:24:36,630
two seals, that's really fucked up.

482
00:24:36,630 --> 00:24:38,493
Three's the limit, I told him that.

483
00:24:39,943 --> 00:24:42,101
- [Mike] Holy shit, did you see that?

484
00:24:42,101 --> 00:24:44,934
(gunshots firing)

485
00:24:46,230 --> 00:24:47,160
Jesus, man.

486
00:24:52,772 --> 00:24:53,689
Samsquanch.

487
00:24:55,687 --> 00:24:58,379
- Do you think it'll come
back after being shot at?

488
00:24:58,379 --> 00:25:00,046
- I believe he will.

489
00:25:02,316 --> 00:25:04,149
- Gotta keep dry, man.

490
00:25:05,131 --> 00:25:06,747
(ominous music continues)

491
00:25:06,747 --> 00:25:08,388
(Samsquanch howls)

492
00:25:08,388 --> 00:25:10,397
(gunshots firing)

493
00:25:10,397 --> 00:25:13,897
(ominous music continues)

494
00:25:34,610 --> 00:25:37,200
- We really got to get
out of this rain, man.

495
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:38,790
This rain, it just won't quit.

496
00:25:38,790 --> 00:25:40,390
- We saw the Samsquanch, right?

497
00:25:40,390 --> 00:25:42,573
- Yeah, we saw it all right.

498
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,633
I can feel his eyes watching us right now.

499
00:25:50,230 --> 00:25:51,937
I haven't ever shot a gun before,

500
00:25:51,937 --> 00:25:54,288
but Russell's gonna train me.

501
00:25:54,288 --> 00:25:56,767
(upbeat rock music)

502
00:25:56,767 --> 00:25:59,986
(gunshots firing)

503
00:25:59,986 --> 00:26:01,782
(gunshots firing)

504
00:26:01,782 --> 00:26:04,615
(gunshots firing)

505
00:26:06,238 --> 00:26:08,959
(gunshots firing)

506
00:26:08,959 --> 00:26:11,792
(gunshots firing)

507
00:26:13,894 --> 00:26:16,727
(gunshots firing)

508
00:26:17,828 --> 00:26:20,276
(upbeat rock music continues)

509
00:26:20,276 --> 00:26:23,109
(gunshots firing)

510
00:26:26,391 --> 00:26:29,224
(gunshots firing)

511
00:26:32,332 --> 00:26:35,243
(gunshots firing)

512
00:26:35,243 --> 00:26:36,811
(gunshots firing)

513
00:26:36,811 --> 00:26:39,394
(crows cawing)

514
00:26:46,208 --> 00:26:48,875
(ominous music)

515
00:26:51,822 --> 00:26:54,142
(owl hooting)

516
00:26:54,142 --> 00:26:57,642
(ominous music continues)

517
00:27:40,399 --> 00:27:43,982
Russell, I just heard
something weird, man.

518
00:27:54,702 --> 00:27:55,583
Are you just gonna leave me here?

519
00:27:56,890 --> 00:28:01,890
- [Russell] Fucking, come on.

520
00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:04,472
Who the fuck's out here?

521
00:28:04,472 --> 00:28:06,968
(ominous music continues)

522
00:28:06,968 --> 00:28:09,208
Come on, man, hurry up.

523
00:28:09,208 --> 00:28:12,708
(ominous music continues)

524
00:28:20,302 --> 00:28:23,731
I think someone's fucking with my mind.

525
00:28:23,731 --> 00:28:26,648
- [Mike] It's a fucking Samsquanch.

526
00:28:28,590 --> 00:28:31,732
(flares exploding)

527
00:28:31,732 --> 00:28:34,899
(indistinct shouting)

528
00:28:40,270 --> 00:28:43,812
(gunshots firing)

529
00:28:43,812 --> 00:28:48,073
(ominous music continues)

530
00:28:48,073 --> 00:28:50,590
- Well, last night things got interesting.

531
00:28:50,590 --> 00:28:53,020
Heard some noises, we
got up to investigate,

532
00:28:53,020 --> 00:28:55,370
we woke up the camera guys,
started looking around,

533
00:28:55,370 --> 00:28:58,155
and before you know it,
it was just fucking,

534
00:28:58,155 --> 00:28:59,810
I think it was the same
slack jaws from earlier.

535
00:28:59,810 --> 00:29:02,300
They started fucking shooting war shells

536
00:29:02,300 --> 00:29:04,150
or whatever down at us, and ...

537
00:29:04,150 --> 00:29:06,070
- I'm pretty sure it was the Samsquanch.

538
00:29:06,070 --> 00:29:08,350
- So I nearly lost my eye last night.

539
00:29:08,350 --> 00:29:10,010
A mortar shell nearly popped on my ...

540
00:29:10,010 --> 00:29:12,680
- No, it was Mountain
was shooting fire ball

541
00:29:13,875 --> 00:29:14,708
out of his dick hole, man.

542
00:29:14,708 --> 00:29:17,350
I didn't wanna come here
to film this crazy shit.

543
00:29:17,350 --> 00:29:18,870
- It's an ancient dick demon,

544
00:29:18,870 --> 00:29:21,700
they do all kinds of
weird supernatural tricks.

545
00:29:21,700 --> 00:29:24,000
- Okay, so what fucking
evidence did you see last night?

546
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,790
- Oh, last night I saw
a fucking dick demon

547
00:29:26,790 --> 00:29:30,200
shooting fucking balls of fire
out of its fucking dick hole.

548
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,393
- A dick demon?

549
00:29:31,393 --> 00:29:33,130
- A fucking ancient dick demon.

550
00:29:33,130 --> 00:29:36,601
- There's a dick demon
shooting his fire ball

551
00:29:36,601 --> 00:29:39,623
out his dick hole, I seen it.

552
00:29:40,676 --> 00:29:41,580
- Come on, dude, are you fucking serious?

553
00:29:41,580 --> 00:29:43,840
- I'm done with this shit, man.

554
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:46,640
- So you're gonna go back
shooting gay porn, is that it?

555
00:29:48,590 --> 00:29:49,423
- Yes.

556
00:29:49,423 --> 00:29:51,920
- Because it's a fucking
supernatural being.

557
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,570
- Oh, supernatural, that's it.

558
00:29:54,570 --> 00:29:59,050
- Nothing natural could shoot
balls of fire out of its dick.

559
00:29:59,050 --> 00:30:00,290
- [Ray-Ray] I've had enough.

560
00:30:00,290 --> 00:30:01,123
- [Tim] Oh, come on, dude.

561
00:30:01,123 --> 00:30:03,470
- [Ray-Ray] I'm done with
this shit, man, I'm out.

562
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,320
- [Announcer] At this juncture
the gentlemen have had

563
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,943
just about enough of the wild
hillbillies, butt-fuckery.

564
00:30:13,990 --> 00:30:16,310
- Chang and Russell kind
of don't really seem

565
00:30:16,310 --> 00:30:19,860
to be too happy with me at the moment.

566
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:23,840
I understand, you know, I'm
taking them on this wild hike.

567
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:27,230
If you know, they don't believe
that there's a Samsquanch,

568
00:30:27,230 --> 00:30:28,063
they're skeptical.

569
00:30:28,063 --> 00:30:29,860
So, you know, and I get it.

570
00:30:29,860 --> 00:30:32,370
It's out in the middle
of nowhere and you know?

571
00:30:32,370 --> 00:30:33,973
- Eccentric?
Maybe.

572
00:30:35,139 --> 00:30:36,903
Autistic?
Sure.

573
00:30:37,770 --> 00:30:42,577
But crazy?
I mean, crazy pays the bills.

574
00:30:43,730 --> 00:30:46,363
So, you know?

575
00:30:48,900 --> 00:30:53,518
- Samsquanch eats exclusively
mushrooms as we've seen

576
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:57,420
hundreds upon hundreds
of mushrooms everywhere.

577
00:30:57,420 --> 00:31:00,160
So we know that the environment is perfect

578
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,730
for the Samsquanch.

579
00:31:02,730 --> 00:31:04,660
Mushrooms, that's what they eat

580
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,653
right before mating season starts.

581
00:31:11,690 --> 00:31:14,233
I think I did something
wrong with the last circle.

582
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:16,350
Instead of the circle this time

583
00:31:16,350 --> 00:31:19,210
we're gonna have to do
the Siamese rectangle.

584
00:31:19,210 --> 00:31:21,930
This is one of the last resorts.

585
00:31:21,930 --> 00:31:23,580
I really hate to pull this spell,

586
00:31:24,558 --> 00:31:29,558
but I think it'll ... I
think it'll bring it forth.

587
00:31:31,340 --> 00:31:34,840
(ominous music continues)

588
00:31:45,770 --> 00:31:48,883
Wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble.

589
00:31:49,922 --> 00:31:53,671
Wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble.

590
00:31:53,671 --> 00:31:56,889
Wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble.

591
00:31:56,889 --> 00:32:00,806
Wobble, wobble, wobble,
wobble, wobble, wobble.

592
00:32:02,708 --> 00:32:05,399
(ominous music continues)

593
00:32:05,399 --> 00:32:07,830
I made the Siamese
rectangle as a last resort.

594
00:32:07,830 --> 00:32:09,099
I didn't want to do it.

595
00:32:09,099 --> 00:32:10,699
This is a very dangerous ritual.

596
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,603
But we have to catch this
thing, we're so close.

597
00:32:15,447 --> 00:32:18,771
(dramatic music)

598
00:32:18,771 --> 00:32:21,066
(gunshots firing)

599
00:32:21,066 --> 00:32:23,055
(Samsquanch howling)

600
00:32:23,055 --> 00:32:26,555
(ominous music continues)

601
00:32:42,470 --> 00:32:43,303
- He got away.

602
00:32:47,110 --> 00:32:48,110
You weren't kidding.

603
00:32:49,250 --> 00:32:52,750
(ominous music continues)

604
00:32:54,530 --> 00:32:58,740
- I'm saying we saw something
big and it walked upright.

605
00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:02,550
What else could it have been?

606
00:33:02,550 --> 00:33:04,003
Bears walk down on all fours.

607
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,640
- Well, whatever's out here,
we'll find it and kill it.

608
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,443
And get us a paycheck.

609
00:33:10,690 --> 00:33:13,015
A lot of people say I'm
quick on the trigger.

610
00:33:13,015 --> 00:33:14,580
But a lot of people who say that

611
00:33:14,580 --> 00:33:17,840
also don't say a lot of
things, because they're dead.

612
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:18,960
It's hard to tell, what to believe,

613
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,270
but after today, you know,
I'm gonna be blasting dicks

614
00:33:22,270 --> 00:33:23,333
from here to Denver.

615
00:33:25,130 --> 00:33:28,290
But I'll tell you this much,
I'm not gonna miss again.

616
00:33:28,290 --> 00:33:30,613
Split that like a hot link in a microwave.

617
00:33:32,070 --> 00:33:35,250
- So I'm glad that he shot it, you know,

618
00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:36,543
and I don't think that,

619
00:33:37,810 --> 00:33:39,920
I think I might kind of
change my stance a little bit

620
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:41,190
on how I view guns.

621
00:33:42,522 --> 00:33:45,939
(Bluegrass guitar music)

622
00:34:50,899 --> 00:34:52,803
(gunshot fires)

623
00:34:52,803 --> 00:34:54,220
- [Russell] Shit!

624
00:34:55,084 --> 00:34:59,334
(Bluegrass guitar music continues)

625
00:35:05,967 --> 00:35:08,300
(owl hoots)

626
00:35:12,852 --> 00:35:15,185
(owl hoots)

627
00:35:20,381 --> 00:35:21,851
(owl hoots)

628
00:35:21,851 --> 00:35:26,101
(Bluegrass guitar music continues)

629
00:35:50,850 --> 00:35:53,183
(owl hoots)

630
00:35:56,064 --> 00:35:58,397
(owl hoots)

631
00:35:59,255 --> 00:36:02,422
- Shit, I think I'm gonna take a piss.

632
00:36:15,551 --> 00:36:17,951
- Yeah, I'm gonna take a piss too.

633
00:36:17,951 --> 00:36:19,785
- [Tim] All right.

634
00:36:19,785 --> 00:36:22,118
(owl hoots)

635
00:36:25,954 --> 00:36:28,287
(owl hoots)

636
00:36:34,972 --> 00:36:37,305
(owl hoots)

637
00:36:38,485 --> 00:36:41,902
(screaming and growling)

638
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,593
(gunshots firing)

639
00:36:56,598 --> 00:36:58,167
(dramatic music)

640
00:36:58,167 --> 00:37:00,500
- [Mike] It tried to get me.

641
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,630
It tried to get me.

642
00:37:05,630 --> 00:37:06,700
- [Tim] Who did?

643
00:37:06,700 --> 00:37:07,850
- The Samsquanch.

644
00:37:08,886 --> 00:37:12,469
(dramatic music continues)

645
00:37:19,999 --> 00:37:20,832
Where is it?

646
00:37:20,832 --> 00:37:21,665
- [Tim] What?

647
00:37:21,665 --> 00:37:25,550
- There's something, must
have attracted the Samsquanch.

648
00:37:25,550 --> 00:37:27,874
- [Russell] What, just
from old food or some shit?

649
00:37:27,874 --> 00:37:29,133
- Dude, they're not attracted by food.

650
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,361
There's something in your car, man.

651
00:37:32,361 --> 00:37:34,083
What did you bring?

652
00:37:34,083 --> 00:37:35,560
- [Tim] Just fucking everyday essentials.

653
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:37,730
Dude, get the fuck out of my car.

654
00:37:37,730 --> 00:37:39,353
He's digging in my goddamn car.

655
00:37:40,755 --> 00:37:42,134
- Dude, what did you bring in here?

656
00:37:42,134 --> 00:37:43,819
- [Tim] Why are you digging in the car?

657
00:37:43,819 --> 00:37:44,652
- [Russell] What do you
mean, what did I bring?

658
00:37:44,652 --> 00:37:45,670
- [Tim] Why are you digging in the car?

659
00:37:45,670 --> 00:37:48,940
- Latex condoms, man.
- [Russell] Latex condoms?

660
00:37:48,940 --> 00:37:51,713
- They're attracted to
latex condoms, fuck.

661
00:37:52,548 --> 00:37:54,360
(ominous music continues)

662
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:56,500
- Samsquanch is gonna snatch you up.

663
00:37:56,500 --> 00:37:59,840
Big reason why I don't go outside
is because the Samsquanch.

664
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:04,230
Not only can you not
sleep, you can't have pets

665
00:38:04,230 --> 00:38:06,820
without freaking out about
them sniffing your genitals,

666
00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:08,320
because they're gonna ...

667
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,260
So there's a support group,

668
00:38:10,260 --> 00:38:12,280
and I've been trying my fucking hardest

669
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:13,640
to get out the door to go do it,

670
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:15,697
but I have panic attacks where

671
00:38:15,697 --> 00:38:17,110
I can't even leave my driveway.

672
00:38:17,110 --> 00:38:19,360
- We started the Samsquanch support group

673
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,970
to help people cope with
what they went through

674
00:38:21,970 --> 00:38:26,060
and kind of move forward in life.

675
00:38:26,060 --> 00:38:28,363
It's also about revenge for me as well.

676
00:38:29,305 --> 00:38:30,870
- Me and my husband, Rick,
we're just putting together

677
00:38:30,870 --> 00:38:34,010
a support group here for people
that have had interactions

678
00:38:34,010 --> 00:38:35,785
with the Samsquanch.

679
00:38:35,785 --> 00:38:38,560
- This thing they call a
beast, this is Jesus Christ.

680
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:40,850
And I felt the Holy spirit enter me

681
00:38:40,850 --> 00:38:42,280
in the woods of Colorado.

682
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:46,518
- There's been many rumblings
lately about attacks

683
00:38:46,518 --> 00:38:49,165
from this Squanch character,

684
00:38:49,165 --> 00:38:52,520
and I do have a personal tale of my own.

685
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:53,930
- My name's Susan Effrin

686
00:38:53,930 --> 00:38:56,873
and I've lived in Manitou
Springs my whole life.

687
00:38:57,730 --> 00:39:00,890
My cousin, he was killed
by the Samsquanch.

688
00:39:00,890 --> 00:39:02,800
I mean, we were really close,

689
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:05,540
acid trips during spring
break and stuff like that.

690
00:39:05,540 --> 00:39:07,380
- Doug Johnson, I'm here
at the S.A.V.A meeting

691
00:39:07,380 --> 00:39:11,938
to show these guys that
after these types of

692
00:39:11,938 --> 00:39:15,280
post traumatic events
of this particular type

693
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,060
that you can go on and you know,

694
00:39:18,060 --> 00:39:21,610
you can be down at halftime
and still win the game.

695
00:39:21,610 --> 00:39:23,760
- They call him Samsquanch,

696
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:25,510
but they just don't understand yet.

697
00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:31,800
And so I felt obliged
to meet Gary Sandwich

698
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:34,930
and to join this group and
to be a part of this here.

699
00:39:34,930 --> 00:39:36,170
- I was actually not affected.

700
00:39:36,170 --> 00:39:39,890
It was my husband, boyfriend, man-boy,

701
00:39:39,890 --> 00:39:44,890
he was affected and I witnessed
it, and now I want revenge.

702
00:39:45,980 --> 00:39:47,550
- What he did to my family

703
00:39:47,550 --> 00:39:49,300
and what he does is so many others,

704
00:39:50,580 --> 00:39:52,916
I can't even tell you
what I would do to go back

705
00:39:52,916 --> 00:39:56,916
and just have one more
acid trip with my cousin.

706
00:39:58,100 --> 00:39:59,850
He had the best acid.

707
00:40:01,667 --> 00:40:02,500
The best.

708
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,350
- This is all the Americans' fault.

709
00:40:06,350 --> 00:40:07,593
The stupid Americans.

710
00:40:08,530 --> 00:40:13,500
Climate change, putting animals
in cages, fucking Trump.

711
00:40:13,500 --> 00:40:16,730
- We should have put a wall up years ago

712
00:40:16,730 --> 00:40:19,980
to keep out these goddamn moose jockeys.

713
00:40:19,980 --> 00:40:21,800
- But Americans have been
doing what they do best

714
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:23,710
and sticking their noses
where they don't belong,

715
00:40:23,710 --> 00:40:26,290
and brought the fight to their doorstep.

716
00:40:26,290 --> 00:40:28,500
They think their guns are gonna be enough,

717
00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:29,333
but they're not.

718
00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:30,530
- Me and a couple of buddies were out

719
00:40:30,530 --> 00:40:32,270
drinking some brewskies,

720
00:40:32,270 --> 00:40:34,370
you know, just really just farting around,

721
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,393
and not thinking nothing of it.

722
00:40:38,310 --> 00:40:39,980
And we go out there, we
smoke grass, you know?

723
00:40:39,980 --> 00:40:41,730
We smoke the beasters.

724
00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:44,690
Well, needless to say, I
skirted off into the woods

725
00:40:44,690 --> 00:40:48,140
in a heap, I hoot and holler.

726
00:40:48,140 --> 00:40:49,728
That's what had happened.

727
00:40:49,728 --> 00:40:51,070
(screaming and growling)

728
00:40:51,070 --> 00:40:53,940
Well, you're gonna be able to understand

729
00:40:53,940 --> 00:40:56,650
what I go through every day, I assure you.

730
00:40:56,650 --> 00:40:59,663
They're hunting you right back.

731
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:03,450
Yeah, I can smell you, your man fruit.

732
00:41:03,450 --> 00:41:06,210
Man fruit, yeah, they know about it.

733
00:41:06,210 --> 00:41:09,770
You take a shit, they
smell the pheromones, man.

734
00:41:09,770 --> 00:41:13,180
A lot of people want these
motherfuckers dead as I do.

735
00:41:13,180 --> 00:41:15,270
Furry beasts with massive genitalia.

736
00:41:15,270 --> 00:41:16,103
- That big.

737
00:41:16,103 --> 00:41:18,381
- That's why you're up here, right?

738
00:41:18,381 --> 00:41:21,413
Because these motherfuckers
exist and they do things, right?

739
00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:31,170
I want them dead.

740
00:41:31,170 --> 00:41:34,730
- [Mike] We'd arrived the
very precipice of our journey.

741
00:41:34,730 --> 00:41:37,130
This wasn't the time to bend at the knee,

742
00:41:37,130 --> 00:41:39,590
look the Samsquanch right in the wee,

743
00:41:39,590 --> 00:41:42,063
we armed ourselves to the T,

744
00:41:43,180 --> 00:41:44,057
(gunshots firing)

745
00:41:44,057 --> 00:41:47,057
and set out to turn that P into a V.

746
00:41:48,398 --> 00:41:50,981
(crows cawing)

747
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,150
This direction that it's
pointing, this is north.

748
00:42:13,150 --> 00:42:16,000
Old man's beard always grows
on the north side of a tree.

749
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:21,121
So, and also it's some
of the driest stuff in

750
00:42:21,121 --> 00:42:23,880
an environment like this.

751
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:26,450
So you can use this to get a fire started

752
00:42:26,450 --> 00:42:29,230
if you absolutely ... if
you absolutely have to.

753
00:42:29,230 --> 00:42:30,920
Samsquanch loves this shit,

754
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:32,423
because it reminds them of pubic hair.

755
00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:42,093
This is the discovery of the century.

756
00:42:43,740 --> 00:42:47,220
And we're the ones to find this thing.

757
00:42:47,220 --> 00:42:50,063
We'll finally get recognition,

758
00:42:51,210 --> 00:42:56,150
crypto-zoology being a legitimate science.

759
00:42:58,813 --> 00:43:00,520
We're ready to get rich.

760
00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:01,820
We've got evidence,

761
00:43:01,820 --> 00:43:04,510
and we're on the verge of
catching Butt-hole Billy.

762
00:43:04,510 --> 00:43:06,503
He's gonna get it so hard.

763
00:43:09,017 --> 00:43:11,684
(ominous music)

764
00:43:21,540 --> 00:43:25,707
(wolves howling and crows cawing)

765
00:43:38,070 --> 00:43:38,903
Whoa, guys.

766
00:43:43,140 --> 00:43:44,713
We're right on top of it.

767
00:43:48,864 --> 00:43:50,463
I feel like something's watching us.

768
00:43:52,399 --> 00:43:53,849
I just felt my hair stand up.

769
00:44:10,764 --> 00:44:11,625
Whoa!

770
00:44:11,625 --> 00:44:13,401
(Samsquanch growling)

771
00:44:13,401 --> 00:44:16,234
(gunshots firing)

772
00:44:22,986 --> 00:44:24,129
(Mike screams)

773
00:44:24,129 --> 00:44:25,629
Holy fucking shit!

774
00:44:27,537 --> 00:44:30,787
(dramatic eerie music)

775
00:44:53,340 --> 00:44:56,039
As suddenly as he appeared,

776
00:44:56,039 --> 00:44:58,050
he vanished into thin air.

777
00:44:58,050 --> 00:44:59,400
The tables were turning,

778
00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:02,120
and I had one last trick up my sleeve.

779
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:05,583
The last resort, the old ace in the hole.

780
00:45:07,694 --> 00:45:11,777
(dramatic eerie music continues)

781
00:45:18,780 --> 00:45:20,630
Hey, what's up man?
- [Russell] Hey.

782
00:45:21,953 --> 00:45:23,091
- You want a beer?

783
00:45:23,091 --> 00:45:24,261
- [Russell] Yeah, I'd drink a beer.

784
00:45:24,261 --> 00:45:25,261
- All right.

785
00:45:31,170 --> 00:45:32,200
There you go.

786
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:33,370
- [Russell] Thank you, sir.

787
00:45:38,410 --> 00:45:40,130
- Cheers.
- [Russell] Cheers.

788
00:45:40,130 --> 00:45:43,690
- We've seen a lot of crazy shit

789
00:45:43,690 --> 00:45:45,550
over the last couple of days.

790
00:45:45,550 --> 00:45:46,520
- [Russell] Yeah.

791
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,673
- There's been a lot of messed up stuff,

792
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,600
and yeah, I want to kill
it, I want to get it.

793
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,650
And we only have one other option.

794
00:45:57,650 --> 00:45:59,300
The real reason we brought Chang,

795
00:46:00,820 --> 00:46:02,520
I think we should use him as bait.

796
00:46:03,850 --> 00:46:08,820
Got this little something
to slide in his drink.

797
00:46:08,820 --> 00:46:10,910
- [Russell] What have you got there?

798
00:46:10,910 --> 00:46:13,630
- Oh, (Mike laughs) they
don't make these anymore.

799
00:46:15,243 --> 00:46:18,080
- [Russell] They don't?
- [Mike] No.

800
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:19,913
- Hey guys, what's up?

801
00:46:19,913 --> 00:46:20,746
- What's happening, man?

802
00:46:20,746 --> 00:46:21,580
- [Russell] Having a few
beers, man, what you doing?

803
00:46:21,580 --> 00:46:23,680
- Yeah, just chilling out,
fucking with some sights.

804
00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:25,860
- [Mike] Yeah, we brought you a beer, man.

805
00:46:25,860 --> 00:46:26,810
- Yeah, hell, yeah.

806
00:46:27,850 --> 00:46:28,683
What's up, boys?

807
00:46:28,683 --> 00:46:31,400
- [Russell] Well, thought
after the days we had, you know

808
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:35,650
we would just, found a
few brewskies, cheers.

809
00:46:35,650 --> 00:46:36,773
- [Mike] Cheers, man.
- Yeah, man.

810
00:46:38,290 --> 00:46:40,207
- [Russell] Take it in.

811
00:46:42,113 --> 00:46:43,343
- Nice.

812
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:45,820
- [Russell] Cheers.
- Cheers.

813
00:46:48,491 --> 00:46:50,324
- [Russell] Holy shit.

814
00:46:51,506 --> 00:46:52,339
That did not take long.

815
00:46:52,339 --> 00:46:53,172
- I told you.

816
00:46:56,305 --> 00:46:59,638
(creepy tinkling music)

817
00:47:14,885 --> 00:47:18,007
(owls hooting)

818
00:47:18,007 --> 00:47:22,174
(creepy tinkling music continues)

819
00:47:51,140 --> 00:47:52,770
Well, we ended up getting a little

820
00:47:52,770 --> 00:47:54,477
too drunk ourselves last night,

821
00:47:54,477 --> 00:47:58,963
and we ended up missing the
Samsquanch, and he took Chang.

822
00:48:00,367 --> 00:48:02,140
- It was a pretty simple plan.

823
00:48:02,140 --> 00:48:04,790
The juice moose was supposed
to wander into our camp,

824
00:48:05,628 --> 00:48:07,850
and we were gonna shoot it to death.

825
00:48:07,850 --> 00:48:09,660
- I don't know where Chang is.

826
00:48:09,660 --> 00:48:10,930
He was gone this morning.

827
00:48:10,930 --> 00:48:13,981
We woke up, I woke up, passed out.

828
00:48:13,981 --> 00:48:17,070
- And I found Mike passed out

829
00:48:17,070 --> 00:48:19,610
in his own feces and urine

830
00:48:19,610 --> 00:48:21,610
and beer bottles scattered around him.

831
00:48:21,610 --> 00:48:24,800
He just smelled like shit
and looked like fucking hell.

832
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:27,610
- I was on the ground
using a bottle as a pillow.

833
00:48:27,610 --> 00:48:30,233
So it was bad.

834
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:32,313
- We're on the hunt.

835
00:48:32,313 --> 00:48:36,429
So I don't know if Chang's dead
or what happened to him, so.

836
00:48:36,429 --> 00:48:39,762
(creepy tinkling music)

837
00:49:03,678 --> 00:49:07,678
- I don't know, he's gotta
be around here close.

838
00:49:09,260 --> 00:49:10,780
Holy shit, look at that!

839
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:15,200
That's definitely part of his Tutu, man.

840
00:49:17,684 --> 00:49:18,517
He must've got snagged while

841
00:49:18,517 --> 00:49:20,280
he was being dragged off into the ...

842
00:49:21,637 --> 00:49:22,883
... somewhere.

843
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:26,463
Samsquanch's cave.

844
00:49:28,230 --> 00:49:29,930
It's gotta be over here somewhere.

845
00:49:31,739 --> 00:49:34,239
(Mike sniffs)

846
00:49:45,242 --> 00:49:47,909
(ominous music)

847
00:50:44,860 --> 00:50:45,693
Oh, shit!

848
00:50:47,370 --> 00:50:48,203
He's alive!

849
00:50:49,039 --> 00:50:51,453
Dude, we gotta get him to a hospital.

850
00:50:52,777 --> 00:50:55,801
Oh, shit!

851
00:50:55,801 --> 00:50:58,634
(gunshots firing)

852
00:51:00,487 --> 00:51:01,998
(Samsquanch growling)

853
00:51:01,998 --> 00:51:04,831
(gunshots firing)

854
00:51:29,647 --> 00:51:31,814
Goddamn, he's fucking fat.

855
00:51:39,140 --> 00:51:39,973
- Fuck.

856
00:51:43,030 --> 00:51:45,750
Fuck, how much did we drink last night?

857
00:51:45,750 --> 00:51:47,633
- You had a lot to drink last night.

858
00:51:51,752 --> 00:51:54,890
- May Day, May Day, May Day,
come in, come in, come in.

859
00:51:54,890 --> 00:51:57,017
- Motherfucker, you fucking
used me as bait, didn't you?

860
00:51:57,017 --> 00:51:59,380
- I did not not use you as bait.

861
00:51:59,380 --> 00:52:00,280
- Fuck you, dude.

862
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:01,820
- When you say it like that.

863
00:52:01,820 --> 00:52:03,813
- He totally did, I told him not to.

864
00:52:04,715 --> 00:52:05,548
Well, there's more bad news.

865
00:52:05,548 --> 00:52:07,590
Somebody drained the fuel out of our car.

866
00:52:09,100 --> 00:52:10,160
I gotta head out.

867
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,083
- Ah, fuck.
- Hey, hey.

868
00:52:13,030 --> 00:52:15,160
- Dude, what about
those crazy hillbillies?

869
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:17,443
Dude, what are we gonna
do if they show back up?

870
00:52:18,943 --> 00:52:23,943
- Well, I still got a few
rounds left in old faithful.

871
00:52:24,460 --> 00:52:25,660
I'll leave it over here.

872
00:52:27,110 --> 00:52:29,681
You have any problems, you've got a gun.

873
00:52:29,681 --> 00:52:30,514
- You can't just leave us.

874
00:52:30,514 --> 00:52:32,050
- There's no way we can drag him down.

875
00:52:32,050 --> 00:52:34,360
I mean we have no gas, no transportation.

876
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,793
I'm not carrying this
guy for miles, fuck that.

877
00:52:36,793 --> 00:52:37,626
- Dude, let him wake up for a minute.

878
00:52:37,626 --> 00:52:38,459
- Dude, after what you gave him,

879
00:52:38,459 --> 00:52:39,292
he's gonna be out for a minute.

880
00:52:39,292 --> 00:52:40,930
- Fine, then go.
- All right.

881
00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:45,787
(ominous music)

882
00:53:17,460 --> 00:53:19,500
- [Announcer] There had
been many a near miss

883
00:53:19,500 --> 00:53:21,330
in their journey thus far,

884
00:53:21,330 --> 00:53:25,110
but it seems that this time
they are shit out of luck.

885
00:53:26,141 --> 00:53:29,641
(ominous music continues)

886
00:53:30,646 --> 00:53:33,229
(crows cawing)

887
00:54:29,061 --> 00:54:30,221
(walkie-talkie signal beeps)

888
00:54:30,221 --> 00:54:32,804
- Anybody there?
Anybody there?

889
00:54:52,293 --> 00:54:54,250
- The Lord saves indeed.

890
00:54:54,250 --> 00:54:55,600
- [Russell] Wilson Pickett.

891
00:54:56,908 --> 00:54:58,050
Am I glad to see you.

892
00:54:58,050 --> 00:55:00,120
- Yeah, we heard you on the scanner.

893
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:02,260
Tried to get ahold of the Sandwiches.

894
00:55:02,260 --> 00:55:05,070
Now the Sandwiches, they
pretty much told me to get lost

895
00:55:05,070 --> 00:55:06,320
as have everybody else.

896
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:08,640
You got a camera man who ran down the hill

897
00:55:08,640 --> 00:55:10,900
talking about a Rocky
Mountain butt blaster

898
00:55:10,900 --> 00:55:13,020
shooting lasers out of
the tip of his penis.

899
00:55:13,020 --> 00:55:14,520
- [Russell] Well, not exactly, but ...

900
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:16,830
- Where the hell's the rest of you?

901
00:55:16,830 --> 00:55:20,380
- Well, actually injured,
and I was going to find help.

902
00:55:20,380 --> 00:55:22,090
So I found you guys.

903
00:55:22,090 --> 00:55:23,817
Doug, good to see you.

904
00:55:23,817 --> 00:55:24,880
- You too, man.

905
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:27,040
- [Russell] So, tell me
you brought more help

906
00:55:27,040 --> 00:55:29,060
than this Bible salesman.

907
00:55:29,060 --> 00:55:33,021
- That's the game, fourth
quarter, I'm always prepared.

908
00:55:33,021 --> 00:55:35,807
- All we need is the Lord.

909
00:55:35,807 --> 00:55:37,587
- What'd you bring us?

910
00:55:37,587 --> 00:55:41,537
- A little something more than the Lord.

911
00:55:41,537 --> 00:55:42,970
More of the Lord himself.

912
00:55:42,970 --> 00:55:44,693
- Holy shit.

913
00:55:45,850 --> 00:55:48,550
- Yeah, I think that that's gonna work.

914
00:55:48,550 --> 00:55:49,950
That's gonna work real nice.

915
00:55:51,928 --> 00:55:54,595
(ominous music)

916
00:56:04,240 --> 00:56:05,930
- Christmas came early this year.

917
00:56:05,930 --> 00:56:08,970
We rolled into camp, we
found ourselves some guns,

918
00:56:08,970 --> 00:56:11,973
some cameras and two fresh boys.

919
00:56:12,950 --> 00:56:14,760
- So we also came across to all this shit

920
00:56:14,760 --> 00:56:16,390
that we're filming you with.

921
00:56:16,390 --> 00:56:17,970
I don't know, it looks fancy,

922
00:56:17,970 --> 00:56:20,767
but I'm not too interested in that.

923
00:56:20,767 --> 00:56:22,043
I'm more interested in
the gun that we have.

924
00:56:26,190 --> 00:56:28,500
- Just out here no one's judging.

925
00:56:28,500 --> 00:56:29,811
You can kill who you want,

926
00:56:29,811 --> 00:56:33,620
you can eat who you want,
it's perfectly fine.

927
00:56:33,620 --> 00:56:35,370
Now I get to do whatever I want to.

928
00:56:37,650 --> 00:56:39,560
I might start with the fat one.

929
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:41,060
- The big one will feed us for a while

930
00:56:41,060 --> 00:56:43,250
and the little one might be some tender.

931
00:56:43,250 --> 00:56:44,840
- My biggest thing, another reason

932
00:56:44,840 --> 00:56:46,830
why I don't want the Asian,

933
00:56:46,830 --> 00:56:49,127
is because we've had Asian once,

934
00:56:49,127 --> 00:56:50,561
and you know what I'm talking about,

935
00:56:50,561 --> 00:56:52,490
you eat just a little bit
and then you get full,

936
00:56:52,490 --> 00:56:54,440
and then you're hungry in 15 minutes.

937
00:56:54,440 --> 00:56:56,480
They don't want to do the dirty part.

938
00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:58,720
And they wonder why I'm such an asshole.

939
00:56:58,720 --> 00:57:01,127
So that's usually why I
get the slices of meat

940
00:57:01,127 --> 00:57:02,783
and the cuts that I want,

941
00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:05,823
is because at least you get something,

942
00:57:05,823 --> 00:57:06,713
at least I'm not eating you.

943
00:57:06,713 --> 00:57:11,152
- Cleon goes first, I go
last, I get the scraps.

944
00:57:11,152 --> 00:57:13,830
I like the scraps, I like to
taste what's already happened.

945
00:57:13,830 --> 00:57:16,150
- I guess I could just fuck them.

946
00:57:18,664 --> 00:57:19,497
Yeah.

947
00:57:20,521 --> 00:57:24,021
(ominous music continues)

948
00:58:45,855 --> 00:58:48,101
(Wilson screams)

949
00:58:48,101 --> 00:58:48,934
- It came from up there.

950
00:58:48,934 --> 00:58:49,767
- I hope it's not Mike.

951
00:58:51,211 --> 00:58:54,711
(ominous music continues)

952
00:59:13,730 --> 00:59:16,690
(Tim screaming)

953
00:59:16,690 --> 00:59:17,607
- Ah, fuck!

954
00:59:23,955 --> 00:59:26,477
(Tim screaming)

955
00:59:26,477 --> 00:59:27,310
Ah, fuck.

956
00:59:28,594 --> 00:59:29,427
Ah, fucker.

957
00:59:29,427 --> 00:59:30,330
- Wakey-wakey, asshole.

958
00:59:33,745 --> 00:59:35,691
- What the fuck are you doing to Chang?

959
00:59:35,691 --> 00:59:38,191
(Tim screams)

960
00:59:45,919 --> 00:59:46,870
- I'm gonna have to blow your tongue

961
00:59:46,870 --> 00:59:48,330
out your butt-hole, boy.

962
00:59:48,330 --> 00:59:50,880
- Just give me one second,
get his fucking leg.

963
00:59:50,880 --> 00:59:51,713
Fuck, man.

964
00:59:56,635 --> 00:59:57,750
- Get his fucking leg, dummy.

965
00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:59,973
Goddamn fucking idiot.

966
00:59:59,973 --> 01:00:00,806
- Jesus.

967
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:02,753
- [Tim] Ow!

968
01:00:03,843 --> 01:00:05,480
- Get his fucking arm.

969
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:08,320
Hurry up, put the goddamn bottle down.

970
01:00:08,320 --> 01:00:09,153
Pussy!

971
01:00:12,300 --> 01:00:13,230
- Jesus!

972
01:00:13,230 --> 01:00:14,730
- [Cleon] Stay the fuck there.

973
01:00:15,693 --> 01:00:16,526
- You nearly broke my finger, man.

974
01:00:16,526 --> 01:00:17,400
- I don't care.

975
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:18,920
(Mike groans)

976
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:19,983
What should we do?

977
01:00:20,840 --> 01:00:21,673
- Oh, God.

978
01:00:26,030 --> 01:00:26,863
- You're lucky.

979
01:00:30,950 --> 01:00:32,683
Ooh, almost shot myself.

980
01:00:34,226 --> 01:00:35,243
- [Mike] Oh, fuck.

981
01:00:38,679 --> 01:00:40,512
- You know what?
Wait.

982
01:00:44,186 --> 01:00:45,019
- What the fuck, man?

983
01:00:45,019 --> 01:00:46,230
- [Cleon] I like this fat one.

984
01:00:46,230 --> 01:00:48,883
A little game of Russian roulette?

985
01:00:50,260 --> 01:00:52,703
- [Mike] Fuck, man.
- Fuck what?

986
01:00:52,703 --> 01:00:54,260
- No, I'm not into that shit.

987
01:00:54,260 --> 01:00:56,887
- [Cleon] No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

988
01:00:59,790 --> 01:01:01,786
- Shut the hell up, boy.

989
01:01:01,786 --> 01:01:03,010
- Hey, fatty.

990
01:01:03,010 --> 01:01:05,570
You look like you might
want my hamburger nipples.

991
01:01:05,570 --> 01:01:08,260
Is that what you want?

992
01:01:08,260 --> 01:01:09,237
Fucking get up.

993
01:01:10,303 --> 01:01:11,253
Get up, get him up.

994
01:01:14,877 --> 01:01:16,210
Get the fuck up!

995
01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:19,873
Now sit down.

996
01:01:23,543 --> 01:01:24,493
- Are you okay?

997
01:01:25,891 --> 01:01:27,450
It's okay, it's okay.

998
01:01:27,450 --> 01:01:29,250
- [Wyatt] Stay right the fuck there.

999
01:01:30,508 --> 01:01:33,610
- Shut up, all right, no funny
business here before you die.

1000
01:01:33,610 --> 01:01:34,763
You especially.

1001
01:01:35,674 --> 01:01:36,520
- [Mike] Fuck you.
- I will cut you.

1002
01:01:36,520 --> 01:01:39,200
Fucking cut your titties off.

1003
01:01:39,200 --> 01:01:40,033
One by one.

1004
01:01:40,900 --> 01:01:43,390
Making fun of mine?
I hear you.

1005
01:01:43,390 --> 01:01:46,880
I know what you're saying
about me, don't fucking lie.

1006
01:01:53,453 --> 01:01:55,093
- Don't do anything stupid, please.

1007
01:01:59,260 --> 01:02:00,093
- [Wyatt] Rolling.

1008
01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:04,483
- [Cleon] Do it, do it.

1009
01:02:05,657 --> 01:02:08,157
(Tim screams)

1010
01:02:11,328 --> 01:02:12,730
I like him.

1011
01:02:12,730 --> 01:02:14,430
We might have him over for supper.

1012
01:02:19,420 --> 01:02:21,520
Come on, spit it and put it in your mouth.

1013
01:02:22,910 --> 01:02:27,074
If you don't, this will be in your mouth.

1014
01:02:27,074 --> 01:02:28,584
Now, just spit it.

1015
01:02:28,584 --> 01:02:29,531
- How do I spit it?

1016
01:02:29,531 --> 01:02:31,170
- Just fucking pull the
trigger, don't be dumb.

1017
01:02:31,170 --> 01:02:32,527
Pull the trigger, Jesus!

1018
01:02:33,595 --> 01:02:35,928
(Mike sobs)

1019
01:02:43,092 --> 01:02:43,925
(Mike screams)

1020
01:02:43,925 --> 01:02:47,416
I said you move an inch, you dummy.

1021
01:02:47,416 --> 01:02:49,999
(Mike screams)

1022
01:02:51,135 --> 01:02:51,968
Fuck.

1023
01:02:56,658 --> 01:02:57,491
Jesus.

1024
01:03:04,344 --> 01:03:06,320
Come on now, just because he's a pussy

1025
01:03:07,910 --> 01:03:09,110
and you're held captive.

1026
01:03:14,634 --> 01:03:15,690
- Stop touching my mouth!

1027
01:03:15,690 --> 01:03:18,220
- Suck on this, you bitch.

1028
01:03:18,220 --> 01:03:20,363
I like him, I like him a lot.

1029
01:03:21,290 --> 01:03:23,179
Yeah, hey, hey, come here.

1030
01:03:23,179 --> 01:03:24,420
Close up, close up.

1031
01:03:24,420 --> 01:03:25,643
Look at this pretty mouth.

1032
01:03:28,110 --> 01:03:30,819
- [Wyatt] I wonder what's going in there.

1033
01:03:30,819 --> 01:03:32,033
- [Cleon] Put the camera
down, you'll find out.

1034
01:03:34,722 --> 01:03:36,817
Your turn, your turn?

1035
01:03:37,756 --> 01:03:38,923
You wanna die?

1036
01:03:40,263 --> 01:03:41,930
Get the fuck off me.

1037
01:03:43,058 --> 01:03:46,558
Get up, you might be lucky, you might not.

1038
01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:52,793
- Fuck you.

1039
01:03:52,793 --> 01:03:55,460
(gunshot fires)

1040
01:04:02,038 --> 01:04:04,371
(Mike sobs)

1041
01:04:17,392 --> 01:04:20,059
(gunshots fire)

1042
01:04:27,684 --> 01:04:28,934
- Chang, Chang.

1043
01:04:32,607 --> 01:04:33,440
Fuck, man.

1044
01:04:34,296 --> 01:04:36,963
(ominous music)

1045
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,870
- Now, Mike, the only way
for us to move forward

1046
01:05:06,870 --> 01:05:09,970
is for you to tell us what
happened with these hillbillies.

1047
01:05:09,970 --> 01:05:12,663
What happened to Chang?
What's happened?

1048
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:14,833
- I don't really wanna talk about it.

1049
01:05:14,833 --> 01:05:18,628
- You have to tell us, there's
only one way to move on.

1050
01:05:18,628 --> 01:05:21,483
We've got to get past this
and go find the Samsquanch.

1051
01:05:22,698 --> 01:05:24,673
- Fucking killed Chang.

1052
01:05:24,673 --> 01:05:26,250
They fucking stabbed him to death.

1053
01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,610
They put a fucking goddamn
gun in my fucking mouth

1054
01:05:29,610 --> 01:05:32,290
and made me play Russian roulette.

1055
01:05:32,290 --> 01:05:34,360
They shot Chang's nipples off.

1056
01:05:34,360 --> 01:05:35,633
- I am so sorry, Mike.

1057
01:05:37,472 --> 01:05:38,920
I'm so sorry.

1058
01:05:38,920 --> 01:05:41,020
- Y'all ever seen anybody
fucking die like that?

1059
01:05:41,020 --> 01:05:42,970
- Just worry about Chang
when the game's over,

1060
01:05:42,970 --> 01:05:45,094
we gotta take down the ...

1061
01:05:45,094 --> 01:05:48,243
- Will you stop with the stupid
fucking football analogies?

1062
01:05:49,160 --> 01:05:51,900
- Now, if we can find that Samsquanch,

1063
01:05:51,900 --> 01:05:55,170
and I guarantee you that the
Samsquanch is Jesus Christ,

1064
01:05:55,170 --> 01:05:57,280
he can then bring Chang back to us.

1065
01:05:57,280 --> 01:05:59,300
- He is not Jesus Christ.

1066
01:05:59,300 --> 01:06:01,554
- He most certainly is Jesus Christ.

1067
01:06:01,554 --> 01:06:04,825
- The Samsquanch?
- Yes.

1068
01:06:04,825 --> 01:06:06,540
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

1069
01:06:06,540 --> 01:06:09,481
- The evil aggressors in these forests

1070
01:06:09,481 --> 01:06:10,320
are those hillbillies,

1071
01:06:10,320 --> 01:06:13,759
and the Samsquanch is
just spreading his love.

1072
01:06:13,759 --> 01:06:15,058
- You know that's not true.

1073
01:06:15,058 --> 01:06:17,220
- What are you suggesting?
What are you hoping for?

1074
01:06:17,220 --> 01:06:19,550
- He's gonna take us into the new world.

1075
01:06:19,550 --> 01:06:20,720
- The Samsquanch?

1076
01:06:21,735 --> 01:06:22,670
- Don't you want to see
that and bear witness

1077
01:06:22,670 --> 01:06:24,481
to being taken to the new world?

1078
01:06:24,481 --> 01:06:25,314
- This is the most ridiculous thing

1079
01:06:25,314 --> 01:06:26,670
I've ever heard in my life.

1080
01:06:26,670 --> 01:06:29,704
- Yeah., he's gonna take us
to the new world, fellas.

1081
01:06:29,704 --> 01:06:30,709
- Either way, you get to see him,

1082
01:06:30,709 --> 01:06:32,830
you get to go to the new
world or you get to kill him.

1083
01:06:32,830 --> 01:06:35,100
All good options for
the rest of your life.

1084
01:06:35,100 --> 01:06:37,792
- Look, you can come up here

1085
01:06:37,792 --> 01:06:42,792
and get bitch slapped
around this whole mountain,

1086
01:06:43,010 --> 01:06:47,950
let some hillbillies fuck
with you, go home a loser.

1087
01:06:47,950 --> 01:06:50,828
- Well, I'm trying to think
about that option right now.

1088
01:06:50,828 --> 01:06:51,933
- Think about the money.

1089
01:06:52,790 --> 01:06:54,300
You're gonna make so much money

1090
01:06:54,300 --> 01:06:56,450
- You're the only one
worried about the money.

1091
01:06:56,450 --> 01:06:58,350
- Money will not help you
when we have been raptured

1092
01:06:58,350 --> 01:06:59,960
by the Samsquanch.

1093
01:06:59,960 --> 01:07:01,869
- You can't back out now.

1094
01:07:01,869 --> 01:07:04,130
- You're the only person
around here who can track that.

1095
01:07:04,130 --> 01:07:05,070
- What makes you think you're gonna

1096
01:07:05,070 --> 01:07:06,510
get out of here alive anyway?

1097
01:07:06,510 --> 01:07:08,660
- You think you can
get down this mountain?

1098
01:07:10,260 --> 01:07:11,910
- We have to take the war to him.

1099
01:07:13,161 --> 01:07:15,182
- We just have to fucking leave.

1100
01:07:15,182 --> 01:07:17,290
- What about the town of Manitou?

1101
01:07:17,290 --> 01:07:20,140
What about all those people?
Do it for them.

1102
01:07:20,140 --> 01:07:21,500
It's time to tuck your balls

1103
01:07:21,500 --> 01:07:23,550
right up into your butt hole and do this.

1104
01:07:26,314 --> 01:07:28,981
(ominous music)

1105
01:07:46,550 --> 01:07:47,830
- [Announcer] If they would just stop

1106
01:07:47,830 --> 01:07:49,410
beating around the bush

1107
01:07:49,410 --> 01:07:53,853
perhaps the Samsquanch would
stop beating around the tush.

1108
01:07:57,840 --> 01:07:59,213
- [Mike] Shit, what is that?

1109
01:08:04,779 --> 01:08:06,492
- [Wilson] My God!

1110
01:08:06,492 --> 01:08:10,476
(indistinct mumbling)

1111
01:08:10,476 --> 01:08:12,476
- This is fucking crazy.

1112
01:08:15,338 --> 01:08:16,544
Oh, my God.

1113
01:08:16,544 --> 01:08:18,563
- Some sorta satanic hanky-panky.

1114
01:08:20,667 --> 01:08:21,500
- [Mike] We gotta get outta here.

1115
01:08:21,500 --> 01:08:26,390
This thing, some Samsquanch
is telling us to,

1116
01:08:30,762 --> 01:08:32,790
the Samsquanch is telling us
to get the hell out of here.

1117
01:08:32,790 --> 01:08:35,322
- Yeah, I think this is just
some fucking hillbillies,

1118
01:08:35,322 --> 01:08:36,155
I don't think it's the Samsquanch.

1119
01:08:36,155 --> 01:08:37,336
- This isn't fucking hillbillies,

1120
01:08:37,336 --> 01:08:38,520
this is the fucking Samsquanch.

1121
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:41,120
- It's some sort of satanic hanky-panky.

1122
01:08:41,120 --> 01:08:43,143
That ain't gonna be our Samsquanch.

1123
01:08:44,190 --> 01:08:46,840
- I don't know about that,
I think that's Samsquanch.

1124
01:08:48,360 --> 01:08:50,797
- [Doug] Well, what would
he be trying to tell us?

1125
01:08:50,797 --> 01:08:52,050
- The Samsquanch wants
us to get out of here,

1126
01:08:52,050 --> 01:08:55,312
this is a warning, we've got
to get the hell out of here.

1127
01:08:55,312 --> 01:08:58,020
- Best offense is a good defense.

1128
01:08:58,020 --> 01:09:00,490
- We gotta just, we gotta
just call this quits, Russell,

1129
01:09:00,490 --> 01:09:01,940
and get the hell out of here.

1130
01:09:03,200 --> 01:09:05,090
- [Mike] Looks like its head
was completely ripped off

1131
01:09:05,090 --> 01:09:06,623
from the Samsquanch.

1132
01:09:07,600 --> 01:09:09,150
- Hillbillies couldn't do that.

1133
01:09:09,150 --> 01:09:10,767
- No, you don't have,

1134
01:09:11,660 --> 01:09:14,653
you gotta have the strength of 10 men

1135
01:09:14,653 --> 01:09:17,540
to be able to rip somebody's
head, something's head

1136
01:09:17,540 --> 01:09:19,140
clean off its body.

1137
01:09:19,140 --> 01:09:22,037
Looks like it's been
decomposing for a little while.

1138
01:09:24,275 --> 01:09:26,760
- I think the Lord would
want us to press on

1139
01:09:26,760 --> 01:09:28,360
for Chang's memory.

1140
01:09:28,360 --> 01:09:30,410
- I agree, let's press on.

1141
01:09:30,410 --> 01:09:31,960
I'm not here to kill something.

1142
01:09:33,872 --> 01:09:34,772
I say we press on.

1143
01:09:36,675 --> 01:09:38,462
Let's go.

1144
01:09:38,462 --> 01:09:40,962
(tense music)

1145
01:10:02,261 --> 01:10:03,470
- [Announcer] The Samsquanch's nature

1146
01:10:03,470 --> 01:10:05,800
is a much debated topic.

1147
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:10,370
It is even considered by some
as being of satanical origin.

1148
01:10:10,370 --> 01:10:13,670
The North Canadian
Samsquanch in turn has earned

1149
01:10:13,670 --> 01:10:16,070
a rather sinister reputation.

1150
01:10:16,070 --> 01:10:19,250
In an article titled,
"Fear the Samsquanch!"

1151
01:10:19,250 --> 01:10:22,900
Written by a local news
anchor, Digby O'Donoghue

1152
01:10:22,900 --> 01:10:26,160
who claims many of the
local pink-toed individuals

1153
01:10:26,160 --> 01:10:28,640
have in fact been abducted by the beast

1154
01:10:28,640 --> 01:10:32,453
in the mountainous areas of
Manitou Springs, Colorado.

1155
01:10:34,400 --> 01:10:35,690
- Civic leaders have failed us,

1156
01:10:35,690 --> 01:10:38,340
not mobilizing the
national guard or something

1157
01:10:38,340 --> 01:10:39,173
to hunt this thing down,

1158
01:10:39,173 --> 01:10:41,210
but we're gonna do what it takes.

1159
01:10:41,210 --> 01:10:43,240
- When we do find the Samsquanch,

1160
01:10:43,240 --> 01:10:46,653
Russell and Doug are hell bent
on destruction of this thing.

1161
01:10:47,930 --> 01:10:50,311
All the violence and the hatred,

1162
01:10:50,311 --> 01:10:53,160
it's gonna tear us all apart.

1163
01:10:53,160 --> 01:10:57,160
I hope today that when
we do find the Samsquanch

1164
01:10:57,160 --> 01:10:59,180
I get a chance to interact with it

1165
01:10:59,180 --> 01:11:03,303
before Russell and Doug
blow their nuts off on it.

1166
01:11:07,430 --> 01:11:10,013
(somber music)

1167
01:11:51,373 --> 01:11:55,130
- [Announcer] Behold, the
American pink toe man.

1168
01:11:55,130 --> 01:11:57,710
An arrogant, fool hardy swine

1169
01:11:57,710 --> 01:12:01,430
overcompensating with
large caliber long guns

1170
01:12:01,430 --> 01:12:04,040
in place of logic and reason

1171
01:12:04,040 --> 01:12:05,810
marching toward such a chaos

1172
01:12:05,810 --> 01:12:09,690
as if a tribute to the
likes of General Custard.

1173
01:12:09,690 --> 01:12:12,990
Nothing standing in the way
of their willful ignorance

1174
01:12:12,990 --> 01:12:15,690
with brawn and overcompensation

1175
01:12:15,690 --> 01:12:18,110
in place of the lack of strategy,

1176
01:12:18,110 --> 01:12:22,060
which undoubtedly their remains will tell.

1177
01:12:22,060 --> 01:12:25,420
- Now, I told you guys he's not violent.

1178
01:12:25,420 --> 01:12:27,623
It's you guys hunting him around

1179
01:12:27,623 --> 01:12:29,330
that's getting all this started.

1180
01:12:29,330 --> 01:12:31,003
You just give me a chance.

1181
01:12:37,060 --> 01:12:41,570
With the faith of a mustard
seed one can move mountains.

1182
01:12:41,570 --> 01:12:45,050
And I believe that he'll
come today to save me

1183
01:12:45,050 --> 01:12:47,029
and take me home.

1184
01:12:47,029 --> 01:12:50,748
(Samsquanch roaring)

1185
01:12:50,748 --> 01:12:53,581
(gunshots firing)

1186
01:12:57,884 --> 01:13:01,051
(dramatic rock music)

1187
01:13:09,920 --> 01:13:13,153
- They say you get what you
want when you deserve it.

1188
01:13:14,538 --> 01:13:16,550
- Oh, man, it was terrible.

1189
01:13:16,550 --> 01:13:17,383
There was blood everywhere,

1190
01:13:17,383 --> 01:13:19,600
I've never seen anybody
die like that before.

1191
01:13:19,600 --> 01:13:21,560
Russell, all he cares about is his money

1192
01:13:21,560 --> 01:13:23,220
and our lives are in danger.

1193
01:13:23,220 --> 01:13:25,577
I want to get the fuck out of here.

1194
01:13:25,577 --> 01:13:27,478
I want to leave.

1195
01:13:27,478 --> 01:13:29,190
- The game's almost over and
we just got to hold in there.

1196
01:13:29,190 --> 01:13:32,340
- Coach Doug, he just, all
he does is makes things worse

1197
01:13:32,340 --> 01:13:36,470
with these stupid freaking
football analogies.

1198
01:13:36,470 --> 01:13:38,350
- It's his time, we're gonna get him.

1199
01:13:38,350 --> 01:13:39,870
We're gonna send him home with an L.

1200
01:13:39,870 --> 01:13:41,650
- I kind of almost wish the hillbillies

1201
01:13:41,650 --> 01:13:42,960
would have killed me
if I have to listen to

1202
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:45,260
another one of those fucking analogies.

1203
01:13:45,260 --> 01:13:46,307
- The game's almost over

1204
01:13:46,307 --> 01:13:48,270
and we just got to hold in there.

1205
01:13:48,270 --> 01:13:50,570
This close to getting
that monkey off my back.

1206
01:13:55,723 --> 01:13:58,390
(ominous music)

1207
01:14:03,324 --> 01:14:05,907
(crows cawing)

1208
01:14:19,433 --> 01:14:22,933
(ominous music continues)

1209
01:15:14,312 --> 01:15:16,050
- Well, hold on guys, I gotta take a piss.

1210
01:15:20,107 --> 01:15:22,405
(Russell screaming)

1211
01:15:22,405 --> 01:15:25,000
(gunshots firing)

1212
01:15:25,000 --> 01:15:27,566
(Samsquanch growling)

1213
01:15:27,566 --> 01:15:30,399
(gunshots firing)

1214
01:15:31,879 --> 01:15:36,712
(ominous music intensifies and continues)

1215
01:15:46,226 --> 01:15:49,059
(gunshots firing)

1216
01:16:04,845 --> 01:16:05,678
- Shit.

1217
01:16:13,385 --> 01:16:14,218
Fuck.

1218
01:16:15,789 --> 01:16:20,789
(Russell screams)
(grenade explodes)

1219
01:16:22,359 --> 01:16:25,442
(eerie somber music)

1220
01:17:12,410 --> 01:17:15,660
- [Announcer] This bumbling
buffoon has about as much grace

1221
01:17:15,660 --> 01:17:17,947
as a bow-legged hippopotamus.

1222
01:17:19,975 --> 01:17:23,892
(eerie somber music continues)

1223
01:18:02,687 --> 01:18:04,710
(walkie talkie beeps)

1224
01:18:04,710 --> 01:18:06,723
- Hey, May Day, May Day.

1225
01:18:08,940 --> 01:18:10,716
Can you hear me, Ray?

1226
01:18:10,716 --> 01:18:11,549
(walkie talkie buzzes indistinctly)

1227
01:18:11,549 --> 01:18:12,583
Ray, can you hear me?

1228
01:18:14,112 --> 01:18:17,260
(walkie talkie buzzes indistinctly)

1229
01:18:17,260 --> 01:18:18,173
Ray, is that you?

1230
01:18:22,250 --> 01:18:23,083
Ray?

1231
01:18:36,520 --> 01:18:39,443
May Day, May Day,
Ray-Ray, can you hear me?

1232
01:18:41,970 --> 01:18:42,993
I'm not getting much signal.

1233
01:18:44,618 --> 01:18:47,015
(Mike screams)

1234
01:18:47,015 --> 01:18:50,469
(Samsquanch growls)

1235
01:18:50,469 --> 01:18:53,136
(ominous music)

1236
01:19:12,592 --> 01:19:15,175
(somber music)

1237
01:19:26,181 --> 01:19:31,181
(walkie talkie buzzes indistinctly)

1238
01:19:31,284 --> 01:19:34,451
(helicopter hovering)

1239
01:19:35,881 --> 01:19:40,214
(walkie talkie buzzes indistinctly)

1240
01:20:05,034 --> 01:20:09,090
- What a joyous day that
has brought us all together.

1241
01:20:09,090 --> 01:20:13,073
I see a lot of long faces,
tears in the eyes of the weak.

1242
01:20:15,010 --> 01:20:17,983
You in particular, cut
that shit out right now.

1243
01:20:18,980 --> 01:20:23,980
Hate not love, but hate is
the title of today's message.

1244
01:20:24,090 --> 01:20:27,160
I see you doubters and naysayers.

1245
01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:30,730
Backsliders, unrepentant sinners.

1246
01:20:30,730 --> 01:20:33,323
You sit there on your
pompous anus judging me

1247
01:20:33,323 --> 01:20:34,963
because I speak the truth.

1248
01:20:36,148 --> 01:20:37,230
Well pepper up that Angus,

1249
01:20:37,230 --> 01:20:38,980
because the truth is coming in raw.

1250
01:20:40,392 --> 01:20:43,640
The Lord saves and the
devil does his deeds.

1251
01:20:43,640 --> 01:20:48,640
He is here living in fear and
love with which he deceives.

1252
01:20:48,880 --> 01:20:52,140
There's no escape from primordial rape.

1253
01:20:52,140 --> 01:20:55,430
Although God in faith is death, she waits.

1254
01:20:55,430 --> 01:20:58,400
We lost the souls who have broken holes,

1255
01:20:58,400 --> 01:21:03,080
are ripped into parts where
they may fuck our hearts.

1256
01:21:03,080 --> 01:21:07,780
The devil, the goat,
he feeds on your scrot,

1257
01:21:07,780 --> 01:21:10,230
and his birth's in your throat,

1258
01:21:10,230 --> 01:21:11,620
and you don't even know it.

1259
01:21:11,620 --> 01:21:15,563
For Lucifer's dungeon, in
that booty he'll be plunging.

1260
01:21:16,420 --> 01:21:19,340
Through your hole he'll swallow your soul.

1261
01:21:19,340 --> 01:21:23,010
But with your death,
you undo God's regrets,

1262
01:21:23,010 --> 01:21:25,220
to make do of the sin that is you.

1263
01:21:25,220 --> 01:21:28,475
I see you all sitting where
the devil's been shitting,

1264
01:21:28,475 --> 01:21:31,540
for it has been written
that those he'll be getting,

1265
01:21:31,540 --> 01:21:33,403
because God has heard you snitching.

1266
01:21:34,410 --> 01:21:37,840
For it's too late, unavoidable fate.

1267
01:21:37,840 --> 01:21:40,913
Thou have a date with the legions of rape.

1268
01:21:42,020 --> 01:21:46,380
Words cannot express the
admiration I have for these men

1269
01:21:46,380 --> 01:21:48,650
that have given their lives
for fighting the agent,

1270
01:21:48,650 --> 01:21:50,113
dick demon, Samsquanch.

1271
01:21:51,304 --> 01:21:52,137
Now at this time I'd like to have the

1272
01:21:52,137 --> 01:21:55,160
only surviving member of this footage,

1273
01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:56,310
the new named director.

1274
01:22:04,379 --> 01:22:05,212
- Hello?

1275
01:22:07,300 --> 01:22:08,650
Is this thing even working?

1276
01:22:09,980 --> 01:22:14,843
One love, they say, but
I hate the dick demon,

1277
01:22:16,910 --> 01:22:20,170
the chocolate Yeti, whatever
you want to call him.

1278
01:22:20,170 --> 01:22:22,410
That's why I make this movie.

1279
01:22:22,410 --> 01:22:26,250
But it's killed my cousin and
plenty of other brown eyes

1280
01:22:27,630 --> 01:22:29,694
tell that mountain moose,

1281
01:22:29,694 --> 01:22:32,040
certain ski chicks are coming for him.

1282
01:22:32,040 --> 01:22:32,873
Coming for him.

1283
01:22:41,270 --> 01:22:42,580
- Compelling stuff,

1284
01:22:42,580 --> 01:22:44,740
but there's still a Samsquanch out there.

1285
01:22:44,740 --> 01:22:46,100
And I call open season,

1286
01:22:46,100 --> 01:22:48,563
'cause I want that
motherfucker dead, dead!

1287
01:22:49,675 --> 01:22:51,138
(congregation cheers)

1288
01:22:51,138 --> 01:22:53,300
Dead disco, I want him dead, woo!

1289
01:22:57,300 --> 01:23:00,190
There's a concession with
refreshments out yonder

1290
01:23:00,190 --> 01:23:01,650
if y'all want some punch and cake.

1291
01:23:01,650 --> 01:23:02,800
All right, cheers.

1292
01:23:02,800 --> 01:23:04,570
- I do not appreciate people saying

1293
01:23:04,570 --> 01:23:07,730
that I exploited the
deaths of Mountain Mike

1294
01:23:07,730 --> 01:23:12,730
and some of the other tragic
events to get this seat.

1295
01:23:12,940 --> 01:23:15,280
I did not.

1296
01:23:15,280 --> 01:23:19,610
And I will not, because
I myself was a victim.

1297
01:23:19,610 --> 01:23:22,900
And it hurt, and it still hurts.

1298
01:23:22,900 --> 01:23:23,733
- That's right.

1299
01:23:24,700 --> 01:23:27,720
- You know, it's taken a
toll, it's taken a toll on me,

1300
01:23:27,720 --> 01:23:31,230
my physical body, my mental stability.

1301
01:23:31,230 --> 01:23:34,980
- You've gained about,
what, 35 pounds since then?

1302
01:23:34,980 --> 01:23:37,170
- Well, yeah and you just
keep reminding me of that,

1303
01:23:37,170 --> 01:23:39,140
and I appreciate that.

1304
01:23:39,140 --> 01:23:41,293
So the campaign trail was a little rocky.

1305
01:23:42,400 --> 01:23:44,380
I feel like we're gathering our,

1306
01:23:44,380 --> 01:23:45,810
we're gathering our stones

1307
01:23:45,810 --> 01:23:48,850
and our building materials
to build our base

1308
01:23:48,850 --> 01:23:53,850
to where we can jump up
higher and fix Coloradi.

1309
01:23:54,589 --> 01:23:56,430
- When did you learn how to jump?

1310
01:23:56,430 --> 01:23:58,620
- If this is another thing about

1311
01:23:58,620 --> 01:24:02,050
how much weight I've gained,
I do not appreciate it.

1312
01:24:02,050 --> 01:24:03,460
- That's not what I was getting at.

1313
01:24:03,460 --> 01:24:05,708
- It sounds like exactly
what you were getting at.

1314
01:24:05,708 --> 01:24:07,130
- But you're a really bad
jumper, but you've gotten better.

1315
01:24:07,130 --> 01:24:09,940
- I have not, I've gained 35 pounds.

1316
01:24:09,940 --> 01:24:11,060
- It's fine.

1317
01:24:11,060 --> 01:24:11,893
- It's not fine.

1318
01:24:12,920 --> 01:24:15,990
- I like those extra 35 pounds,
I play with them every day.

1319
01:24:15,990 --> 01:24:17,440
- Yeah, you play with them every day

1320
01:24:17,440 --> 01:24:19,710
while I'm laying in bed and
you're playing on the computer

1321
01:24:19,710 --> 01:24:21,300
3:00 AM in the morning.

1322
01:24:21,300 --> 01:24:26,300
- I have developed a pretty
hefty Minecraft addiction,

1323
01:24:26,320 --> 01:24:27,920
and that's not my fault.

1324
01:24:27,920 --> 01:24:30,453
- I wish you would craft inside my mine.

1325
01:24:31,460 --> 01:24:35,070
- So my husband has been
working on his tushy off

1326
01:24:35,070 --> 01:24:38,350
and he is just, he's been
making strides as mayor.

1327
01:24:38,350 --> 01:24:40,359
- Hey, you know what rhymes with tush?

1328
01:24:40,359 --> 01:24:41,192
Kush.

1329
01:24:43,200 --> 01:24:45,026
Don't get sad again.

1330
01:24:45,026 --> 01:24:46,372
- I'm not sad.

1331
01:24:46,372 --> 01:24:47,650
- Oh, here we go.

1332
01:24:47,650 --> 01:24:48,483
It's gonna be a sad day.

1333
01:24:48,483 --> 01:24:50,210
It's gonna be another sad day.

1334
01:24:50,210 --> 01:24:51,793
- I'm not even sad.

1335
01:24:53,940 --> 01:24:56,600
- So right now we're in the process

1336
01:24:56,600 --> 01:25:00,570
of erecting a monument in
honor of Mountain Mike.

1337
01:25:00,570 --> 01:25:01,720
- That's right, he's handsome.

1338
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:05,270
- He's handsome, it's gonna
be a good, good statue.

1339
01:25:05,270 --> 01:25:07,480
And you know, and it will have the names

1340
01:25:07,480 --> 01:25:10,700
of everybody that was, you
know, savagely dismembered

1341
01:25:10,700 --> 01:25:12,655
by the Samsquanch.

1342
01:25:12,655 --> 01:25:16,904
And my promise as mayor
in the mayortorial seat

1343
01:25:16,904 --> 01:25:20,940
is to always keep Manitou Springs safe.

1344
01:25:20,940 --> 01:25:24,190
Whether it be from
Samsquanches or Spartans.

1345
01:25:24,190 --> 01:25:28,703
- We are fucked, America,
turbo-fucked, America.

1346
01:25:29,650 --> 01:25:31,810
It's time we arm ourselves.

1347
01:25:31,810 --> 01:25:36,200
AR15s, AK47s, high capacity magazines.

1348
01:25:36,200 --> 01:25:37,870
Get that shit.

1349
01:25:37,870 --> 01:25:40,490
10 millimeter Glocks, Tannerite,

1350
01:25:40,490 --> 01:25:45,490
bump stocks, armor-piercing
ammunition, all of it.

1351
01:25:45,660 --> 01:25:46,790
Get it.

1352
01:25:46,790 --> 01:25:51,100
If you haven't stocked up
yet, now is the time to panic.

1353
01:25:51,100 --> 01:25:56,100
It's time we take the fight
to this jungle moose ass-ape,

1354
01:25:58,015 --> 01:26:01,500
and it's time we show these
fucking Canadians who we are

1355
01:26:01,500 --> 01:26:04,261
and how we roll in the fucking hood.

1356
01:26:04,261 --> 01:26:07,094
(Bluegrass music)