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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[cheering, applauding]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[announcer] New York... [echoing]

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-...are you ready?
-[audience cheering]

6
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[announcer] Please welcome...

7
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Michelle Buteau!

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[upbeat music playing]

9
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[cheering continues]

10
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[audience continues cheering]

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Yeah!

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[audience continues cheering]

13
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Oh, my God!

14
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New York City!

15
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Oh!

16
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Oh! Oh! Oh!

17
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I am here for you!

18
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I am here...

19
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[audience chanting] Hey! Hey! Hey!

20
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Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

21
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,898
[audience cheering]

22
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Whoo!

23
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Yes!

24
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Yes!

25
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Everybody looking like a snack!
Oh!

26
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[audience cheering]

27
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Don't do it. Don't do it.

28
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Don't you dare do it.

29
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Don't turn me into Octavia Spencer
in every movie.

30
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[audience laughing]

31
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[laughs]

32
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But you is special, you is kind.
Thank you for coming.

33
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Ooh, can I tell you,
I just wrapped a movie with J.Lo. What?

34
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[audience cheering]

35
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J.Lo? Excuse me?
She is beautiful. Are you kidding me?

36
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She is-- I couldn't stop staring at her.

37
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I was like, "Oh, my line..." [mumbles]

38
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She's like an athlete that can dance,
that's a businesswoman in a tank top.

39
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I say, "Yes, you go with your good knees
and edges, J.Lo!"

40
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[laughs]

41
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The hardest part of working with J.Lo

42
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is pretending that I didn't know
everything about her.

43
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,167
[audience laughing]

44
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I know everything about J.Lo.

45
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,010
For example,
I know that we have the same birthday.

46
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-[audience cheering]
-Yes, July 24th. [laughs]

47
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But I didn't want to tell her
the first day

48
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:05,894
because I don't want to be the creepy girl
on the set, you know what I mean?

49
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:08,730
But there's always somebody at the office
that's into astrology,

50
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:12,025
-you know who you are...
-[audience laughing]

51
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Always worried about the sun and the moon,
never your taxes.

52
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[audience laughing]

53
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So we had one of those assholes on set.
I said, "Okay...

54
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I'm going to wait for my moment."

55
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And, sure enough, three weeks later,
he goes, "Uh!

56
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,960
You and Jen have the same face
'cause you're both Leos."

57
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I said, "Oh!"

58
00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:33,963
[audience laughing]

59
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,423
"This is my moment."

60
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So, I said, "Jen!

61
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You a Leo?"

62
00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:44,474
[audience laughing]

63
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She said, "Yes!"
I said, "Jen, I'm a Leo!"

64
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She said, "Stop."
I said, "I will not."

65
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[audience laughing]

66
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:00,865
"That's so crazy."

67
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,201
I said, "Jen, when's your birthday?"

68
00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:07,956
[audience laughing]

69
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,917
Yo, I was so good at this,
Meryl Streep would be like,

70
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,420
"Give that bitch the Oscar, okay?
Just give the bitch the Oscar."

71
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,255
[audience cheering]

72
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:20,218
So I said,
"Jen, my birthday is July 24th."

73
00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:21,719
She said, "What?" [stammers]

74
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,513
She said, "No!"
I said, "Yes!"

75
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,015
-[audience laughing]
-She said, "Your birthday's July 24?"

76
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,851
I said, "Isn't that crazy?"
She said, "No one has my birthday."

77
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,854
I said, "I know, it's so special."

78
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,898
[audience laughing]

79
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:36,943
I said, "Jen, we should have
a joint birthday party."

80
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[audience laughing]

81
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,114
And then she walked away...

82
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:45,159
...didn't talk to me
for, like, three hours...

83
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,286
That's okay. She came back.

84
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,914
You know, I got big tits, freckles,
big hair. It's friendly.

85
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,457
People are like, "Let's talk to it."

86
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,710
[audience laughing]

87
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[laughs]

88
00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:59,966
-True!
-[audience laughing]

89
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:04,345
So she came back and she wanted
to, like, spill the tea, you know?

90
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,639
She was like, "Oh, man,
have you ever dated a Leo?"

91
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,433
I said, "Where we going with this, Jen?"

92
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,977
[audience laughing]

93
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,271
I said, "Where we going?"

94
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,650
She's like, "No, have you ever dated a Leo
'cause they're, like, so difficult?"

95
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:21,029
I said, "Oh, honey, I done fucked
the whole zodiac calendar!"

96
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,405
[audience laughing]

97
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,949
No one plays the lotto once,
you know what I mean?

98
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,703
You don't learn how to ride a bike
the first time.

99
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,329
[audience laughs]

100
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,831
I said, "Yeah, all that."

101
00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:34,625
She was like,
"Uh, I was engaged to a Leo."

102
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:36,169
I was like, "Really?"

103
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:38,421
[audience laughing]

104
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,676
-"That's so crazy."
-[audience laughing]

105
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,387
[chuckles] Yeah, she's like,
"It wasn't the easiest with Ben."

106
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,972
I said, "Ben who?"

107
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,807
[audience laughing]

108
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:52,477
"Benjamin Button?

109
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:56,564
Benjamin Franklin? Who the Ben?"

110
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[laughs]

111
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,155
And she's like, "I'm so happy now, though,

112
00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:05,990
'cause I'm engaged to a Leo,
but he's great.

113
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,950
He's an athlete, he's Dominican..."

114
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,827
I said, "Ooh, that sounds spicy."

115
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,913
[audience laughing]

116
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,122
[laughs]

117
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It has been such a beautiful time for me.
You know what I mean?

118
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,713
I feel like I can't complain, 
but I love to.

119
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I do. I feel like I cannot complain
but I love to.

120
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And I have so many pet peeves.

121
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The older you get, no one tells you,
your pet peeves get stronger and...

122
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,100
I feel like Tom Petty right now.

123
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,937
I can't-- I'm in my 40s right now.
I know, I look so good.

124
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:39,190
[audience cheering]

125
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Seriously.

126
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I mean, you gotta celebrate your age.

127
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Real talk, 'cause black don't crack
and beige don't age.

128
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:48,783
Yes, Prince, thank you.

129
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,160
-[whoops]
-[audience cheering]

130
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,666
And I just cannot-- cannot stand certain
motherfuckers that do crazy things.

131
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,752
I cannot stand an adult in their 40s,
50s, whatever,

132
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:03,423
that leave their home
with a pillow from their bedroom

133
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:06,592
and take that shit to the airport...

134
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,886
[audience laughing]

135
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,308
...and sleep on the plane.

136
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,603
What is wrong with you,
you weak, weak bitch?

137
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,147
Unfollow me,

138
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:20,898
delete, we're done.

139
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:24,902
What, you're 45 years old
and you need your blankey? I can't!

140
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,612
[audience laughing]

141
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,406
-I cannot.
-[audience cheering]

142
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,908
The whole show is my pet peeves,
by the way.

143
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:34,829
I swear to God, this Asian dude's
gonna leave and be like,

144
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,331
"Raven-Symoné was so angry.
I don't get it.

145
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:38,708
Oh.

146
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,710
That is not So Raven.

147
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,129
Why is she so angry?"

148
00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:46,048
I'm kidding.
He gonna leave here and be like,

149
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,800
"Nicole Byer looks different."

150
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,635
[audience laughing]

151
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,013
[audience cheering]

152
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,058
I cannot stand...

153
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:57,810
adults...

154
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,021
who fall all the time.

155
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,482
[audience laughing]

156
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,525
You know who you are if you're a faller.

157
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,821
You fall all the time.

158
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,783
And you make a meal out of this shit.

159
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:17,038
Like you're the only person
who's ever fucking fell.

160
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:21,375
[yells] "I just fell!"
"I see you, bitch.

161
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,962
Get up."
"Is anyone looking?"

162
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,631
"Nobody's looking.

163
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,592
They're walking around you right now."

164
00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:32,803
"Oh, my God, don't take a video!"

165
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,972
"Not Boomerang-worthy, bitch, please...

166
00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:36,599
get up!"

167
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,393
Let me tell you something.
I am a faller, okay?

168
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,146
I fall all the time.

169
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,023
Look at my body, okay?

170
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,609
I have not seen my feet
since the 7th grade.

171
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,069
[audience laughing]

172
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:50,947
These tits, it's like a fleshy IKEA shelf.

173
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,907
[audience laughs]

174
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:55,243
Truly, I cannot see my feet.

175
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:58,120
My whole body is shaped
like a drumstick emoji.

176
00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:00,206
[audience laughing]

177
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,041
You see this shit?

178
00:09:02,124 --> 00:09:04,210
[audience cheering]

179
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:08,506
-It's a drumstick emoji!
-[cheering continues]

180
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:12,885
For real. She meaty on top,
nubby on the bottom, fucking delicious.

181
00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:15,221
[audience laughing]

182
00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,473
[audience cheering]

183
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,687
But, for real, I fall all the time.

184
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:25,565
You know what I do?
I fucking army crawl my way back up,

185
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,567
'cause I'm a woman.

186
00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:32,029
My ankles are so teeny tiny
and so cute and so white,

187
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,408
if you just saw a picture of my ankles,
you'd be like,

188
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,993
"Who dat skinny white girl?"

189
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,955
-It me!
-[audience laughing]

190
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:45,251
It me. If you saw a picture of my ankles,
they are so skinny and so white...

191
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:48,296
-[woman] How skinny and white are they?
-[man] How skinny and white are they?

192
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,381
[audience laughing]

193
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:52,258
If you just saw my ankles, you'd be like,

194
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:55,636
"Ooh, that white girl gotta go to Montauk
and name her boat right now."

195
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,472
[audience cheering]

196
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,854
[audience laughing]

197
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:07,481
I fall all the time.

198
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,941
I was just on the set of...

199
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,943
[giggles] ...another movie, um...

200
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,530
[audience cheering]

201
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,784
Oh, my God. You guys!

202
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,412
You guys!

203
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:24,081
[cheering continues]

204
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,041
[laughs]

205
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:29,754
So I had the last--
The last, like, line of the last scene,

206
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,589
like, the last week.
It was a very long week,

207
00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:33,424
and I turned around

208
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,718
after I said my line,
I didn't see the camera.

209
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,387
The camera was so close
that I headbutted it.

210
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,015
That's how close the camera was.

211
00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:44,018
No, truly, I said my line, I was like,
"Okay, everybody, have a good night."

212
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,227
And I turned around

213
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,564
and I hit that shit so hard,
it looked like I did it on purpose.

214
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,818
Like, I hit it and I was like,
"Ow, karma, why you hit me so hard?"

215
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,653
[audience laughing]

216
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,072
And I was about to fall down

217
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:58,866
and this is something that happens
in your 40s that nobody tells you:

218
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,826
you think about
how you're going to fall.

219
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:04,789
You think about how you're gonna fall.

220
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,166
I said, "Girl, how you gonna fall?"

221
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,543
[audience laughing]

222
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,299
I said, "I don't know, girl."

223
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,760
[audience laughing]

224
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,681
I said, "Girl, we gonna fall on face?"

225
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,725
I'm like, "No, girl.

226
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:26,769
You're gonna chip your tooth...

227
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,313
and a chipped tooth,

228
00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:31,065
freckles and big titties?

229
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,359
That's too much character."

230
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:35,027
[audience laughing]

231
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:38,781
[audience cheering, applauding]

232
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:40,574
"We don't need all that character."

233
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:42,910
[laughs]

234
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:47,164
So I was like, "Girl, what we gonna do?
We gonna fall on hands?

235
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,417
Fall on your hands,
it's the most natural reaction."

236
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,376
Stop!

237
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:52,545
Stop the fall. Stop.

238
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,380
You better stop this fall.

239
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,258
And then I said, "No, girl,

240
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,176
don't fall on your hands.

241
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:01,137
You're gonna break your wrist.

242
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,682
If you break your wrist,
who gonna wipe your ass?"

243
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:07,726
[audience laughing]

244
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,313
I know you guys are thinking
I'm making so much money

245
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:14,108
in this borrowed
gold sequins plus-sized suit.

246
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:21,157
-But I don't have ass-wiping money, okay?
-[audience laughing]

247
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,783
Yet. I got goals!

248
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,205
Who gonna wipe my ass, my husband?

249
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:31,041
I love him, he love me.
He ain't gonna wipe my ass.

250
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,586
He is not gonna wipe my ass, okay?

251
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,921
I can't even fart
in front of my husband.

252
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:39,133
And it's not up to him. It's up to me.
I don't want to fart in front of him.

253
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,135
We been married ten years. It's lovely.

254
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:42,928
I'm not gonna fart in front of him. No.

255
00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:45,848
Uh-uh. Would you eat
in a restaurant that's dirty?

256
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,350
[audience laughing]

257
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:52,313
[audience cheering]

258
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:02,740
You guys.

259
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:03,991
My husband's so cute.

260
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,076
[laughs]

261
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,828
He's so sweet.

262
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:10,247
He's from Holland,
but he calls it the Netherlands. I'm like,

263
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,416
"Boo-boo, you gotta pick a name.
We don't give a fuck.

264
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:14,752
Okay? We don't care."

265
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:17,838
Holland, that's like Germany Light.
We don't know where that is.

266
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,882
We don't know where Holland is.

267
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:23,010
You do not know where Holland is.
Don't act like you know.

268
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:26,096
Excuse me. Case in point,
one time I was in [mumbles] Amsterdam...

269
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,598
[mumbles] Amsterdam, that's right.

270
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:29,683
[audience laughing]

271
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,186
And my friend came to visit me.

272
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,272
She got on a plane from New York
to [mumbles] Amsterdam...

273
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:36,816
[audience laughing]

274
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,275
[laughs]

275
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,571
...went through customs,

276
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,907
got out the airport,
looked around and was like,

277
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:48,285
"Damn, Denmark is so beautiful
this time of year."

278
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:50,162
[audience laughing]

279
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,748
We don't know where Holland is, okay?

280
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:54,708
We don't.

281
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,837
And my husband, he's so cute.
He has the most Dutch name ever.

282
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,840
It's like first testament type shit.

283
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,676
It's spelled G-I-J-S
and it's pronounced...

284
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,052
"Hhhiyce."

285
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:09,306
-You could feel sorry for me, and...
-[audience laughing]

286
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:13,352
The Dutch G doesn't exist
in the English language

287
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:17,773
and it never means anything to me
in America until we get to Holland,

288
00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:20,150
AKA the Netherlands, AKA Germany Light.

289
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,612
'Cause I forget. I forget.

290
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,614
Like, I was out one night in Amsterdam,

291
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,032
and...

292
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,703
I was ordering some cheese and crackers,
a little charcuterie plate,

293
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:31,954
you know, she cute.

294
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,956
[audience laughing]

295
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,499
Classy.

296
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:39,211
And so I told the waitress, I was like,
"I'd like some brie,

297
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:40,838
I like some Gouda..."

298
00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,881
And she goes, "You mean, hhow-da?"

299
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:46,302
I said, "Why you do that?"

300
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,470
[audience laughing]

301
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,766
"That's not nice."

302
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,644
I said, "I don't want it no more.

303
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,397
Hhow'd you do that?"

304
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,524
[audience laughing]

305
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,947
Those Dutch people
are about correcting you, honey.

306
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,283
They love correcting you.
I'm like, "Look,

307
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,910
I'll learn Dutch when I can make
more money speaking Dutch."

308
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:15,706
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

309
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:19,960
-[audience cheering]
-It's a plan. She got plans.

310
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,671
But thank you, white girls be snapping.
I love...

311
00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,799
woke white people.
Yes, this is my town hall.

312
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,092
Thank you so much.

313
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,886
-[audience applauding]
-Yes.

314
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:30,929
Let's get to the issues at hand.

315
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,104
I love her. Cute little white girl
in the back, "Yes, sister. Yes, sis.

316
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:40,814
Speak on it, sis."

317
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,946
-I'll see you on TikTok. [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

318
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:51,492
"I speak your language." [laughs]

319
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,746
So one of my favorite things
to do in Amsterdam is...

320
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:59,667
get a little high. Not too high.
Bitch doesn't need to be flying.

321
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,753
Get a little high and go to museums.

322
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:05,339
Not for very long, like 40 minutes.

323
00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:07,675
You know what I mean?
Too long feels like a class.

324
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,093
I'm like, "Hurry up."

325
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,011
[audience laughing]

326
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:16,058
And so one time I was in Amsterdam
and I saw the Van Gogh Museum.

327
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:19,478
I was like, "I love Van Gogh.
I've got the place mat. Let's do it."

328
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:22,147
[audience laughing]

329
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,859
I told you I was classy.

330
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,030
And so I'm learning all about Van Gogh,

331
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:32,449
I said, "Oh, my God,
Van Gogh was so interesting."

332
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,036
Here go the host of the tour:

333
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,372
"It's Van Hhoghh." 

334
00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:41,417
[audience laughing]

335
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,962
"What?"
"It's Van Hhoghh."

336
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,881
I said, "No wonder this motherfucker
cut his ears off."

337
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:51,051
[audience laughing]

338
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:52,261
Who wanna hear that?

339
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,513
"Van Hhoghh?"

340
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,432
[audience applauding]

341
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,350
Thank you. I thought that was too soon.

342
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,103
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

343
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:04,356
[laughs]

344
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,526
The Dutch names are wild.
I mean, they're just crazy.

345
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:10,320
When you learn a Dutch name,
it's like you are actually speaking Dutch.

346
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,572
It's insane, like...

347
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:15,034
Gijs' best friend is named Thijs.
I'm like, "What?"

348
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,163
Gijs and Thijs, I'm like, 
"Is this a ghetto morning show?

349
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:20,164
What is this?"

350
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,540
[audience laughing]

351
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:26,170
Gijs used to have a cat named Guus.
I was like, "You better not.

352
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:29,173
You better not."

353
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:31,925
[laughs]

354
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,929
One time, the cat got out.

355
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,265
Gijs called Thijs. He was like,
"Guus is on the loose!"

356
00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:39,308
I'm like...

357
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,977
"Is this a Dutch Dr. Seuss?"

358
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,979
[audience laughing]

359
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:50,861
It's too much!

360
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,905
Too much!

361
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,574
I'm not making this up.

362
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,452
My mother-in-law, beautiful lady,

363
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,162
her name is Johanna,

364
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,749
she legally shortened it,
as you do in Holland,

365
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:05,459
to Hanneke.

366
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:07,920
[audience laughing]

367
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,007
What now?

368
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,636
I said, "Hanukkah, like the holidays?"

369
00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:18,180
She's like, "It sound nothing
like the holidays."

370
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:21,391
I was like, "Happy Kwanzaa, bitch."
Like, I don't even know...

371
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:25,229
...what to say.
I feel like this is a joke on me.

372
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:28,732
But Dutch is wild, man.

373
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:32,569
There aren't a lot of verbs,
so you think it might be easy to speak.

374
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,530
But even the verbs are hard.

375
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:37,616
They're hard to say and pronounce,
they're hard to get through your mind.

376
00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:38,742
Let me tell you something.

377
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,036
One of the first times I was in Amsterdam,

378
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:44,832
we were taking a group family picture

379
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:49,545
and I did not know the Dutch word
for "look"...

380
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:51,130
is "kijk."

381
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:54,842
[audience groaning and laughing]

382
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:57,719
Yes, bitch.

383
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:01,265
Spelled K-I-J-K, kijk.

384
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:03,976
So I'm just standing in public
with the family and they're just like,

385
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,019
"Kijk the camera,
kijk, kijk, kijk the camera.

386
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,147
Kijk the camera!"
I said, "Hanneke, do something!"

387
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:12,067
[audience laughing]

388
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:25,747
Oh, my God.

389
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:31,545
The verbs are crazy.

390
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:36,216
For instance,
there's this verb called "swaffling."

391
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,594
And that means...

392
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:40,929
to hit your dick on something.

393
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,682
[audience laughing]

394
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:49,730
[laughter continues]

395
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:54,735
That means, there were so many guys...

396
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:57,029
[audience laughing]

397
00:19:57,112 --> 00:20:00,073
...in Holland
just hitting their dicks on shit,

398
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:04,411
-they needed a verb for it.
-[audience laughing]

399
00:20:06,204 --> 00:20:08,165
I know y'all gonna have fun in Amsterdam.

400
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:11,543
[audience cheering]

401
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,463
Yes, sis. Yes, sis. Yes, sis.

402
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,632
Yes, sis, yes.

403
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:18,592
Be free, be you.

404
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,054
Like I said, my husband's very sweet.

405
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:23,513
He's very nice.

406
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,974
Sometimes I feel like he wants to kill me.

407
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:31,355
He always wants to take a long walk
at night. I'm just like, "Why?"

408
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:35,984
And then he's always like, "Let's go down
this alley to see if there's artwork."

409
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,069
I said...

410
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,738
[audience laughing]

411
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:43,450
...said, "No! Have you not seen Ghost?
That's how that shit happens."

412
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:45,035
[audience laughing]

413
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,579
Thank you. I thought that was too soon.

414
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,707
-[audience laughing]
-Thank you so much.

415
00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:56,338
Every time my husband and I get an Airbnb,
he's always like,

416
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,632
"Babe, can you make sure
that they have a shed?"

417
00:20:58,715 --> 00:20:59,591
I'm like...

418
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,595
"For what, Dexter?" [scoffs]

419
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:06,348
[audience laughing]

420
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:12,312
We were online one time, looking at stuff
we can't afford. It's our favorite thing,

421
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,399
and we were looking at vacation homes.

422
00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:18,193
He's like, "Oh, you know,
if we get a vacation home,

423
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,570
I really want one that has
at least eight acres."

424
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:25,826
And I was joking, I was like,
"What, to hide my body?"

425
00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:27,035
He's so sweet.

426
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,498
[audience laughing]

427
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,169
And then he comes back, "No, baby.

428
00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:39,006
Everybody knows you need
at least 13 acres to hide a body."

429
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,049
I said...

430
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,468
-"Who knows that?"
-[audience laughing]

431
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:44,803
"Why do you know that?"

432
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,892
[laughs] But sometimes I feel like
I just don't understand him, right?

433
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,895
Like, I'm his, like, sassy American wife

434
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:56,732
and he's this very polite,
white Dutch dude,

435
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,943
and I don't understand him sometimes.

436
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:05,490
And I feel like he doesn't understand
the nuance of an American husband.

437
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:09,619
You know, I'm from Jersey and he thinks
I sound aggressive all the time.

438
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:10,787
That's his thing.

439
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,831
Like, I'll be making breakfast
and I swear to God,

440
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:15,167
I feel like he just hears DMX, you know?

441
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,627
[audience laughing]

442
00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:20,797
For real, I'm like,
[shouting] "How do you want your eggs?

443
00:22:21,339 --> 00:22:23,967
How you want your eggs?
This your wife!"

444
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,094
[audience laughing]

445
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:29,765
[audience cheering]

446
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:33,977
-[laughs]
-[cheering continues]

447
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,438
I mean, I feel sorry for him sometimes,

448
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:38,523
but I really don't understand him
sometimes either.

449
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:42,110
He doesn't pick up on my cues. Like,
one night, we were having a dinner party

450
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,279
and people were overstaying their welcome.

451
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,656
You know how motherfuckers
overstay their damn wel...

452
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:48,450
I'm like, "You gots to go now."

453
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,870
They start eating shit off the menu,
I'm like...

454
00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:54,956
"These avocados were for the week."

455
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,584
[audience laughing]

456
00:22:57,667 --> 00:22:59,461
"Why are you still here?"

457
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:02,381
[groans]

458
00:23:03,131 --> 00:23:05,050
"How am I gonna get my healthy fats?"

459
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:07,135
[audience laughing]

460
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:13,016
We actually had our first married fight
that night.

461
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,520
And if you ever have
your first married fight, you never forget

462
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:19,189
'cause we were in the bedroom
just going back and forth

463
00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:21,441
and I was like, "You know what, Gijs?"

464
00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:23,693
[audience laughing]

465
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:29,324
I said, "Go sleep on the couch.
I don't wanna do this no more."

466
00:23:30,283 --> 00:23:31,201
He said, "No."

467
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:37,290
I said, "Go sleep on the couch now.
I don't wanna see you."

468
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:39,751
And he was like, "Why?"

469
00:23:41,628 --> 00:23:43,463
I said, "'Cause we're having an argument

470
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,590
and everybody knows...

471
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:48,510
the men sleep on the couch."

472
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:50,345
[audience cheering]

473
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:51,680
"Everybody knows this."

474
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:53,974
He said, "Who told you that?"

475
00:23:54,057 --> 00:23:56,810
[audience laughing]

476
00:23:58,895 --> 00:24:00,355
I... [laughs]

477
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:03,733
[audience laughing]

478
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,570
I said-- I said, "Uh, all the movies,

479
00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:09,698
all the TV shows:

480
00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:12,200
Everybody Loves Raymond,

481
00:24:12,909 --> 00:24:14,786
Everybody Hates Chris.

482
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:17,080
Nobody likes Gijs."

483
00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:18,748
[audience laughing]

484
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,209
[audience cheering]

485
00:24:26,214 --> 00:24:27,966
I do feel bad for him, though, sometimes,

486
00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:31,595
because I don't like to do anything
he likes to do,

487
00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:34,973
but he does all the stuff I like to do,

488
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:38,143
-which is important.
-[audience laughing]

489
00:24:38,226 --> 00:24:40,854
Like, I like being bra-less on the couch

490
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:43,732
drinking some rosé,
watching 90 Day Fiancé.

491
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:45,859
-It's my jam.
-[audience cheering]

492
00:24:45,942 --> 00:24:48,445
Yes, I love that shit.

493
00:24:48,528 --> 00:24:51,490
And everything he wants to do
requires health insurance.

494
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:54,201
-I'm like, "I'm so tired."
-[audience laughing]

495
00:24:56,536 --> 00:24:58,914
Real talk, he wants to go camping so bad.

496
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:00,207
I was like, "No!

497
00:25:00,290 --> 00:25:02,751
-On purpose? No."
-[audience laughing]

498
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:06,671
The closest I've ever been to camping
is eating sushi on the subway. I'm done.

499
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,006
[audience laughing]

500
00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:10,008
-Done. It's yuck.
-[audience applauding]

501
00:25:10,091 --> 00:25:12,510
Out in the wild.
Using my hands. [gags]

502
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:15,263
No merci.

503
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,101
Oh, my God, my man,
he wants me to go skiing with him.

504
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:22,187
I'm like, "With these titties,
all that gravity?"

505
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,814
I tried to go one time.

506
00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:28,360
I spent $375 just on the outfit.

507
00:25:28,443 --> 00:25:32,030
-I couldn't afford to go up the mountain.
-[audience laughing]

508
00:25:32,113 --> 00:25:35,242
And this outfit was crazy.
I looked like a sassy Lego.

509
00:25:35,492 --> 00:25:38,078
[audience laughing]

510
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:46,836
The other day my man hit me with,
he's just like, "Oh, babe,

511
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,838
do you want to climb a mountain?"

512
00:25:50,215 --> 00:25:51,675
I said, "Emotionally?"

513
00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:53,760
[audience laughing]

514
00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:56,888
"'Cause, as a black woman,
I do that every day."

515
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:59,849
-[audience cheering]
-Yes. Yes, sis.

516
00:26:00,308 --> 00:26:02,644
Yes, yes, white girl.

517
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:06,022
Tell your aunties how to vote.
Tell your aunties how to vote.

518
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:11,695
You know, you do have to do
what your partner likes to do.

519
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:14,531
And when you're, like,
different nationalities

520
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:15,574
and different countries,

521
00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:17,033
it's just hard sometimes.

522
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:18,868
Like, I'm with a white boy, yes.

523
00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:21,496
So I understand, I'm gonna
have to do some white boy shit.

524
00:26:22,622 --> 00:26:24,583
But European white boy...

525
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:27,294
is next-level white boy shit.

526
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:28,837
[audience laughing]

527
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,965
Real talk. Like, the other day
we were home, I was working.

528
00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:33,842
He's like, "Babe, come meet me outside."

529
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:35,760
I said, "Let me put my shoes on, hold up."

530
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:38,555
He's like, "You don't need your shoes."
I said, "Yes, I do.

531
00:26:39,973 --> 00:26:42,892
-And you do too."
-[audience laughing]

532
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:48,857
I go meet him outside.

533
00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:52,360
He's like, "Put your phone away."
I said, "Let me drop this pin first."

534
00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:54,904
[audience laughing]

535
00:26:57,615 --> 00:27:00,035
"I don't know what activity this is.
This is new."

536
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:04,164
He's like, "Give me your hands."

537
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:07,250
I was like,
"Ah! Is this a rose ceremony?" [squeals]

538
00:27:08,501 --> 00:27:09,461
[laughs]

539
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,047
"This is cute."

540
00:27:12,922 --> 00:27:14,883
And he goes, "Let's look at the sun..."

541
00:27:16,092 --> 00:27:18,470
[audience laughing]

542
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:25,310
[laughter continues]

543
00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:28,855
"...and let's try to guess
what time it is."

544
00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:31,900
[audience laughing]

545
00:27:38,531 --> 00:27:42,369
I said, "Motherfucker, I got a job!

546
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:47,415
I'm trying to get that ass-wiping money!

547
00:27:49,292 --> 00:27:51,961
Go fly your kite somewhere else!"

548
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:55,882
Uh! To be that bored and confident,
I don't get it.

549
00:27:55,965 --> 00:27:57,634
[audience laughing]

550
00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:58,885
I strive for it.

551
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,142
[laughs] So silly.

552
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:08,436
Oh, my God.

553
00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:12,065
What's really fun, too,
is when my single friends come over

554
00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:15,235
and they're like, "I want what you have!
You like your partner."

555
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:16,528
I'm like, "You should."

556
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:20,198
You should like your partner,
and I love hooking people up,

557
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:23,493
but I feel like my single friends
never know what they want.

558
00:28:23,576 --> 00:28:25,120
Who is single here? Who is single?

559
00:28:25,203 --> 00:28:29,332
-[audience cheering]
-So many of y'all!

560
00:28:29,624 --> 00:28:31,710
Okay, you boo-boo, what's your type?

561
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:36,506
[man] I like somebody
that I can really converse with.

562
00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:38,425
You like somebody
you can really converse with.

563
00:28:38,508 --> 00:28:39,884
-Yeah.
-That's cute.

564
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,636
[audience laughing]

565
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,764
And he said "converse,"
so you know he reads a magazine.

566
00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:46,015
[audience laughing]

567
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:49,227
That's cute. Like, "really converse."
Okay.

568
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:52,021
So you want someone
who's a little intellectual? Yes.

569
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,190
Okay, same page as you.

570
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:57,026
You know, I don't know if you ever dated
a smart person.

571
00:28:57,110 --> 00:28:58,528
It's really hard to argue with them.

572
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:02,282
They always win,
so get someone not so smart.

573
00:29:02,365 --> 00:29:04,576
-[audience laughing]
-But kind.

574
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:08,455
What's your type, boo-boo?

575
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:10,540
[woman] Smart, funny, tall.

576
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:12,125
Smart, funny and tall.

577
00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:13,751
[laughs] Okay.

578
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:15,670
[audience laughing]

579
00:29:16,629 --> 00:29:19,090
No, you got a list. I like it.

580
00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:22,135
I always feel bad when people say tall,
though,

581
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:23,845
'cause I'm like, short guys are great.

582
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,181
-[audience cheering]
-Yes.

583
00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:28,099
See all them short men clapping?

584
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:29,559
[audience laughing]

585
00:29:29,642 --> 00:29:32,520
They amazing. They can't reach everything,
but they don't have to.

586
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:34,647
They reach the things they supposed to.

587
00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:37,609
[audience cheering]

588
00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:38,526
Don't.

589
00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:42,280
Don't sleep on that short, boo-boo.

590
00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:46,075
Climb me like a ride at Busch Gardens now.

591
00:29:46,159 --> 00:29:47,494
[audience laughing]

592
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:53,124
[laughs]

593
00:29:55,168 --> 00:29:56,419
Oh, my God.

594
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:59,798
Skin-- I was gonna say skinny people
over here. I'm so sorry.

595
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:01,841
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

596
00:30:02,091 --> 00:30:04,219
All you bitches are skinny. Listen...

597
00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:06,095
single people, single people.

598
00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:08,473
-[faint cheering]
-[she laughs]

599
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:12,018
It sounds like I'm calling you to, like,
board a Delta flight.

600
00:30:12,101 --> 00:30:14,479
"Single people! Single people!"

601
00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:16,314
[audience laughing]

602
00:30:16,564 --> 00:30:18,983
"Go down the side aisle, now.
Single people."

603
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:21,736
No, that's great.
Who's single? Who's single?

604
00:30:22,278 --> 00:30:24,364
Yes, oh, my God, so many bitches. 
What's your type?

605
00:30:25,907 --> 00:30:26,741
Thoughtful.

606
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:27,742
-What?
-Thoughtful.

607
00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:28,743
Thoughtful?

608
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:32,247
[audience laughing]

609
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:33,915
Oh, my God.

610
00:30:34,916 --> 00:30:36,501
You got to get more specific,

611
00:30:37,168 --> 00:30:38,211
but I like that.

612
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:40,505
Someone that can read.

613
00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:42,966
[audience laughing]

614
00:30:43,049 --> 00:30:43,883
Yeah.

615
00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:46,719
What's your type?

616
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:47,679
Family-oriented.

617
00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:50,223
Now, family-oriented, like,
he already got kids?

618
00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:52,976
'Cause I'll hook you up.

619
00:30:54,018 --> 00:30:55,687
I will hook you up.

620
00:30:56,229 --> 00:30:57,105
[inaudible]

621
00:30:57,188 --> 00:30:59,482
At this point you'll take it?
That's what I'm talking about.

622
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:00,984
Don't be picky, you'll fall in love.

623
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:04,821
Don't be picky, you will fall in love.
Real talk.

624
00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:08,157
But I think, like, the more specific
you can get is amazing.

625
00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:10,076
You know what I mean?
Specificity is everything,

626
00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:15,039
whether it's someone casual or someone, 
you know, for a very long time,

627
00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:17,917
you know, people are just out here
like, "Tall, with h--".

628
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:21,170
It's like you guys sound like
a character witness, like, I don't get it.

629
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:24,299
I'm just saying, think about who

630
00:31:24,632 --> 00:31:27,051
you don't mind getting
in an argument with.

631
00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:28,845
You're going to argue a lot.

632
00:31:29,262 --> 00:31:33,933
You know, think about who you don't mind
being your last and/or first phone call.

633
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:36,561
They're going to be your everything.
Think about, you know...

634
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:40,565
who you want to put your face
in their crotch, like...

635
00:31:40,648 --> 00:31:42,275
[audience laughing]

636
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:45,236
-...you're going to do that a lot.
-[audience laughing]

637
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:46,446
So much.

638
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,283
Even when you're arguing,
think about that, you know, like...

639
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,870
Who's gonna make you want to feel
like you're gonna be a better person?

640
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,330
That is your type, really.

641
00:31:55,872 --> 00:31:56,998
And, I don't know, like,

642
00:31:57,624 --> 00:32:00,001
you guys have a type, right?

643
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,754
But you don't even realize
that you are somebody else's type.

644
00:32:02,837 --> 00:32:05,256
-[woman] Hello.
-[audience laughing]

645
00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:09,218
-Hello from the other side.
-[audience laughing]

646
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:13,765
Whoever. Whoever.

647
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:16,934
Yes, honey, you are somebody else's type.

648
00:32:17,018 --> 00:32:19,979
You don't even know that. 
Like, I realized way too late in life

649
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:23,524
that I am an achievable Beyoncé
for government workers.

650
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:28,404
[audience cheering]

651
00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:33,034
[cheering intensifies]

652
00:32:35,870 --> 00:32:38,039
Oh, my God, are you serious?

653
00:32:39,248 --> 00:32:41,542
And if they're like old,
black government workers named

654
00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:46,422
Lawrence, Dennis, Curtis, Otis,
anything ending in "is," they love me!

655
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,591
-[audience laughing]
-Whoo!

656
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:52,470
I can't go to a Veterans Day parade.
My booty ain't safe!

657
00:32:52,553 --> 00:32:55,056
-[audience laughing]
-She is not safe.

658
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,685
They looking at me like they want me
to motorboat the PTSD off their face

659
00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:01,396
and I'll do it 'cause I'm a patriot.
Thank you so much.

660
00:33:01,896 --> 00:33:04,941
Whoo! Thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your service.

661
00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:07,110
Thank you so much!

662
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:09,153
I mean, I don't know about you,

663
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:11,155
but I can make a government worker
work a holiday.

664
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,700
-That's power, bitch.
-[audience cheering]

665
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:14,826
What you do?

666
00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:18,538
I'm just saying,

667
00:33:18,621 --> 00:33:21,332
you want to go to the post office with me
in December, okay?

668
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:25,044
[audience laughing]

669
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,007
So silly.

670
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:31,092
Ah! Anyway...

671
00:33:32,051 --> 00:33:34,303
Whatever you guys want,
I want that for you.

672
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:36,180
I wish for whatever you want.

673
00:33:36,264 --> 00:33:38,641
Okay, I don't think we...
We don't do that enough.

674
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,560
And I really want whatever you want.

675
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:42,729
I don't really have any wishes
or wants anymore, like,

676
00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:45,356
not with this current administration.
Let's be honest.

677
00:33:45,732 --> 00:33:48,818
But I do have one teeny tiny wish
that I want to speak into fruition.

678
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:53,406
I really want Meghan Markle
to let herself go.

679
00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:56,909
[audience cheering]

680
00:33:56,993 --> 00:33:58,494
Do it, girl!

681
00:33:59,245 --> 00:34:00,329
You did it!

682
00:34:01,122 --> 00:34:02,832
You did the whole thing!

683
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:05,334
Like, wear your hair curly,

684
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:10,006
wear a blousy T-shirt,
wear a heeled sneaker. Get wild, Meghan.

685
00:34:12,216 --> 00:34:14,135
Get wild and comfortable.

686
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:18,681
But I secretly and selfishly want
Meghan Markle to let herself go

687
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,100
so I can play her in The Crown.

688
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:25,021
[audience cheering]

689
00:34:31,194 --> 00:34:34,489
Oh, my God, I'd be so good at it.
Are you serious?

690
00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:37,867
I'd make The Crown so fucking edgy.

691
00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:39,952
Oh, my God, I'd be in a corner
of Buckingham Palace

692
00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:41,412
getting my hair braided...

693
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,414
[audience laughing]

694
00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:45,666
[laughs] ...sucking on a chicken bone,

695
00:34:47,126 --> 00:34:49,337
pouring frosé on someone's titties...

696
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,715
Being like,
"I'm a queen too, bitch, and what?"

697
00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:55,551
-[audience cheering]
-Ooh, I'd make The Crown so edgy.

698
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:56,844
I want a sex scene with Harry.

699
00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:59,222
I want a sex scene with Harry.

700
00:34:59,305 --> 00:35:00,556
I would suck his ginger dick.

701
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,518
I would suck his ginger dick, now.

702
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:04,936
-I would!
-[audience cheering]

703
00:35:05,019 --> 00:35:08,272
I would. You'd suck it too, bitch.
Don't act like you wouldn't!

704
00:35:08,689 --> 00:35:10,691
I would suck that ginger dick.

705
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:13,653
The episode would be called
"Ginger Snaps." I thought about it.

706
00:35:13,736 --> 00:35:15,655
-[audience cheering]
-She thought about it.

707
00:35:15,738 --> 00:35:18,574
[cheering and applauding]

708
00:35:18,658 --> 00:35:21,077
Come on, you know I'm already down
for the foreskin.

709
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:23,704
I am for the skin, man.
My husband...

710
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:25,581
is European. I love it, guys.

711
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,626
Don't cut your dick off.
You're Lady Gaga beautiful born that way.

712
00:35:29,585 --> 00:35:31,504
She likes a salty protein snack.

713
00:35:31,587 --> 00:35:32,922
Yes, she likes her...

714
00:35:33,005 --> 00:35:34,340
presents under the Christmas tree.

715
00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:35,925
Why are you giving me Home Alone face?

716
00:35:36,008 --> 00:35:37,301
Okay, don't look at me like that.

717
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:39,887
That's why you single.
Everyone's like, "What do you do with it?"

718
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,557
It's a banana. You peel it back
and have breakfast, bitch.

719
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:46,644
Suck the dick and man the fuck up!

720
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:48,479
[audience cheering]

721
00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:51,732
-Are you serious?
-[cheering and whistling]

722
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:54,527
These are our bodies!

723
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:56,112
Celebrate each other!

724
00:35:56,195 --> 00:35:58,072
[audience cheering]

725
00:35:58,614 --> 00:36:02,118
Let me tell you something. If you're
single and you can't afford to travel,

726
00:36:02,201 --> 00:36:03,828
you need to suck a dick
with some foreskin,

727
00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:06,706
-it feels like you're in another country.
-[audience laughing]

728
00:36:09,083 --> 00:36:10,960
That dick is like a Moroccan stew,
you're like,

729
00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:12,879
"Ooh, I got a flavor I can't quite place."

730
00:36:12,962 --> 00:36:15,381
[audience laughing]

731
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:19,051
"Is that a za'atar? Is that a za'atar?"

732
00:36:19,135 --> 00:36:21,387
[audience laughing]

733
00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:24,724
-"Ah! Is that preserved limón?
-[audience laughs]

734
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,811
[audience cheering]

735
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:30,354
They ain't ready. They ain't ready.

736
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:33,441
[cheering continues]

737
00:36:37,653 --> 00:36:38,613
Y'all ain't ready.

738
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:42,283
Not fucking ready.

739
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:45,286
Aww, are you wiping your face?

740
00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:47,747
Are you crying?

741
00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:49,957
Did you pee yourself a little bit?

742
00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:54,211
-Yeah, me too.
-[audience laughing]

743
00:36:54,462 --> 00:36:57,506
[laughs]

744
00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:01,135
Oh, my God.
Oh, my face, I can't believe it's real.

745
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:03,221
[audience laughing]

746
00:37:04,722 --> 00:37:07,099
It has been a good-ass year
for so many reasons.

747
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:08,726
For so many damn reasons.

748
00:37:09,226 --> 00:37:12,688
A year ago, my husband and I welcomed
boy-girl twins in our life.

749
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:14,732
[audience cheering]

750
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:15,900
It was amazing.

751
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,027
Amazing!

752
00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:20,696
Anybody here have kids,

753
00:37:21,155 --> 00:37:23,157
pets, finicky plants, what y'all got?

754
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:25,409
Somebody taking care of something.
Who got kids?

755
00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:27,495
-[audience cheering]
-Ooh!

756
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,288
Yes, honey, how many kids you got?

757
00:37:30,122 --> 00:37:32,083
Just one, and you're pregnant now?

758
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:33,501
Bitch.

759
00:37:33,918 --> 00:37:36,087
Congratulations.
You know who the father is?

760
00:37:37,046 --> 00:37:39,298
Yes, she knows!

761
00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,217
[audience laughing]

762
00:37:42,843 --> 00:37:44,345
America's so beautiful.

763
00:37:47,682 --> 00:37:48,557
[laughs]

764
00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:54,188
It's hard, man.
I truly didn't realize how hard it'd be

765
00:37:54,271 --> 00:37:56,357
to take care of little ones.

766
00:37:56,607 --> 00:37:59,402
Really, 'cause, you know, when people
are like, "What's motherhood like?"

767
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:04,323
I'm just like,
"I feel like a shoe caught in a dryer."

768
00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:06,659
[audience laughing]

769
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:11,205
You know, I'm just like...
[makes thudding noises]

770
00:38:15,543 --> 00:38:16,877
I'm so tired.

771
00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:20,548
And these little babies were born
in January, in the dead of winter,

772
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:22,758
and they were premature,
four and five pounds,

773
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,635
so we couldn't leave them for a while

774
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,722
and we would just like sit on the couch
and rock them and look at each other,

775
00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:29,348
trying not to fall asleep.

776
00:38:29,598 --> 00:38:30,725
And, like, after a while,

777
00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:33,853
I feel like I just turned into a scene
from The Hateful Eight.

778
00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:35,438
[audience laughing]

779
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:38,065
I was just looking at my husband,
rocking the baby.

780
00:38:39,233 --> 00:38:42,111
And I was like... 
"Who gonna go for provisions?"

781
00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:44,822
[audience laughing]

782
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:53,164
It's so-- You're so tired.

783
00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:54,957
Like, I remember
in the middle of the night,

784
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,834
I was changing one of the babies

785
00:38:56,917 --> 00:38:59,503
and I opened up the diaper
and just started to cry.

786
00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:03,382
Cry! I was like,
"Baby girl, you have a penis."

787
00:39:04,216 --> 00:39:07,470
I was crying and my husband's like,
"That's the boy."

788
00:39:07,553 --> 00:39:09,138
-[audience laughing]
-"Oh."

789
00:39:13,893 --> 00:39:15,061
I didn't know.

790
00:39:18,439 --> 00:39:19,273
[laughs]

791
00:39:19,940 --> 00:39:21,901
And husband, he's so sweet,

792
00:39:22,234 --> 00:39:24,403
you know, I can see
this is his first time too.

793
00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:25,905
It was very nice.

794
00:39:25,988 --> 00:39:28,032
I remember the first time
I left for work,

795
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:30,826
he's like, "Okay, so I guess
I'm on daddy duty right now?"

796
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:32,745
I was like, "For all of time."

797
00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:35,664
-[audience laughing]
-All of time.

798
00:39:36,207 --> 00:39:38,376
All of time.

799
00:39:38,793 --> 00:39:39,627
All.

800
00:39:39,710 --> 00:39:42,004
Look at this time. Look at this time.
Look at all...

801
00:39:42,421 --> 00:39:46,133
of... time! Motherfucker, daddy duty, all.

802
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,843
-[audience cheering]
-All of it. All.

803
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:49,762
All. All the time.

804
00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:51,680
Daddy duty all the time.

805
00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:53,516
It doesn't stop.

806
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,602
[laughs] He's so well-meaning,

807
00:39:56,685 --> 00:39:59,647
he's never taken care of a baby before.
Now we got twins, okay?

808
00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:02,775
He's never even changed a diaper.
I said, "Ooh, you are not Caribbean."

809
00:40:02,858 --> 00:40:04,735
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

810
00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:06,487
That's some shit.

811
00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,240
I was teaching him how to change a diaper,

812
00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:11,826
I was like, "It's like an orthopedic shoe,
okay? You zip-zip."

813
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:15,663
But he didn't realize babies
have these things called "blowouts."

814
00:40:16,455 --> 00:40:18,332
And it's not when
they straighten their hair.

815
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:20,251
[audience laughing]

816
00:40:21,168 --> 00:40:24,964
It's when they shit up their back
to their necks.

817
00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:25,923
[gags]

818
00:40:26,382 --> 00:40:29,051
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

819
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:33,472
And he was changing a baby
and it had a blowout and it kept shitting

820
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:37,643
and, oh, my God, my husband shut down
like a host in Westworld.

821
00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:39,311
He's like, "But there's so much!"

822
00:40:39,603 --> 00:40:41,522
[audience laughing]

823
00:40:42,731 --> 00:40:48,988
[audience cheering]

824
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,620
I held that so long.

825
00:40:56,704 --> 00:40:58,706
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah, it was so long,

826
00:40:59,498 --> 00:41:02,001
[laughs] I was thinking about
what I wanted to eat later.

827
00:41:02,084 --> 00:41:03,919
[audience laughing]

828
00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:07,465
You know what I mean,
we're out here doing it.

829
00:41:07,548 --> 00:41:10,551
Twins is a lot of work.
You know, I realized I needed help.

830
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:13,137
I was really trying to be a shero.
I'm like, "No, I got this."

831
00:41:13,220 --> 00:41:14,889
And I was like, "No, bitch, you don't.

832
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:18,225
You really need help,
you have to call on your village."

833
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:21,854
And I'm better about it now, you know.
We gotta ask for fucking help.

834
00:41:21,937 --> 00:41:25,941
Now I'm out and I just hand the baby
to someone so I can tie my shoe.

835
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,195
My husband's like, "Do you know her?"

836
00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:31,489
I'm like, "No, but that's a black woman,
we family."

837
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:34,200
[audience laughing]

838
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:36,577
I love you.

839
00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:38,954
[audience cheering]

840
00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:42,291
[laughs]

841
00:41:42,791 --> 00:41:44,293
Real talk, man, I mean,

842
00:41:44,376 --> 00:41:48,005
I remember the first time the babies
were old enough where we can leave them

843
00:41:48,088 --> 00:41:49,131
and go to a party.

844
00:41:49,215 --> 00:41:52,051
Ooh, I had a statement lip on,
I was like, "You know I'm ready."

845
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,639
But it was like we'd never been in public
before. Oh my God, we were a mess.

846
00:41:56,722 --> 00:41:59,725
It was like we were in our 20s
doing coke for the first time.

847
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:02,561
We were like, "We got a story,
you want to hear it?"

848
00:42:02,645 --> 00:42:04,480
"Tell me your story, I got a story too!"

849
00:42:04,563 --> 00:42:06,190
And then I fell asleep on a toilet.

850
00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:08,651
[audience laughing]

851
00:42:08,734 --> 00:42:12,488
Oh, my God, you need the help.
You need the help. Like,

852
00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:15,658
I used to judge Mormons all the time.

853
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:17,910
I'm like,
"Ooh, why they got all them women

854
00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:21,121
with the braids and that one dude
with the man bun? That's too much.

855
00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:23,499
They doing too much."

856
00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:24,500
I get it.

857
00:42:25,584 --> 00:42:28,671
Ooh, I get it now.
I want a sister wife so bad.

858
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,090
I really do. People are like,

859
00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:33,509
"What you want for your birthday?"
"A sister wife. Just...

860
00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:37,304
please come over, fold laundry,
hold the baby, touch his dick,

861
00:42:37,388 --> 00:42:39,515
-I'm not jealous."
-[audience laughing]

862
00:42:39,598 --> 00:42:40,641
"I gotta touch my toes.

863
00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:43,602
I gotta cat-cow my way
back into existence right now."

864
00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:45,354
[audience laughing]

865
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:49,066
Cat-cow.

866
00:42:50,150 --> 00:42:51,110
Cat-cow.

867
00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:55,364
You ever get stuck in front of--
In back of somebody in yoga class

868
00:42:55,447 --> 00:42:58,033
who's just, like, cat-cowing too hard,
you're, like, "All right."

869
00:42:58,117 --> 00:42:59,660
[audience laughing]

870
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:01,495
"I get it, you're flexible."

871
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:05,082
Oh, my God, and when people act like
it's an American Idol audition

872
00:43:05,165 --> 00:43:07,876
in yoga when you're supposed
to be chanting, like... [chants]

873
00:43:08,419 --> 00:43:09,461
And this bitch out here...

874
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:13,424
[vocalizes]

875
00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:15,134
[audience laughing]

876
00:43:15,217 --> 00:43:17,761
[laughs] You're doing too much!

877
00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:23,142
So silly.

878
00:43:24,852 --> 00:43:28,939
Oh, man, I didn't realize as a parent,
especially of babies,

879
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:30,733
you need so much equipment.

880
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:34,278
It's like a walking Shark Tank episode,
I'm like, "What is this?"

881
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:37,323
I can't remember the names of everything,
I'm tired,

882
00:43:37,406 --> 00:43:39,575
and one day I was taking baby girl
out for a walk

883
00:43:39,658 --> 00:43:41,702
and I forgot the name of the Bjorn.

884
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:44,663
So I just yelled in the house,
I said, "Baby!

885
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:47,082
Get me the strap-on for our daughter!"

886
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:50,502
[audience laughing]

887
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:56,550
"No, not the black one. The purple one!"

888
00:43:56,634 --> 00:43:58,385
[audience laughing]

889
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:01,597
I'm a good person.

890
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:03,891
[audience laughing]

891
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:08,729
-I'm a good mom!
-[audience laughing]

892
00:44:09,396 --> 00:44:10,731
[laughs]

893
00:44:10,814 --> 00:44:12,566
Oh, my God, and also...

894
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:16,195
I didn't realize you have to become, like,
a low-budget Dr. Oz right away, like,

895
00:44:16,278 --> 00:44:19,281
these little bodies, something goes wrong,
it's just, like, how do I fix this?

896
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:22,743
You know, like,
I've never even bathed a baby before.

897
00:44:23,452 --> 00:44:25,913
And, oh, my God,
I'll just tell you this right now,

898
00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,206
they slippery as fuck.

899
00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,376
[audience laughing]

900
00:44:37,341 --> 00:44:38,967
But they're resilient.

901
00:44:39,051 --> 00:44:41,637
[audience applauding]

902
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,305
Yeah!

903
00:44:48,686 --> 00:44:52,231
-Yeah, it's all cartilage, so...
-[audience laughing]

904
00:44:57,653 --> 00:45:00,697
I'll never forget the first time
we gave the babies a bath.

905
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:02,658
It was warm water,

906
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:05,786
really cute organic soap.
I said, "It's gonna be great."

907
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:08,080
We put them in the water.

908
00:45:08,163 --> 00:45:10,666
They were crying
like it was battery acid.

909
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:14,795
I said, "Get them out the water.
We're never going to bathe them."

910
00:45:14,878 --> 00:45:16,463
[audience laughing]

911
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:19,383
My husband's like, "We gotta bathe them."
I said, "No, we don't.

912
00:45:20,467 --> 00:45:22,803
We just gonna get the hot spots
like a walk of shame."

913
00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:25,764
[audience cheering]

914
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:26,765
Keep 'em moving.

915
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:30,269
And really, man,

916
00:45:30,561 --> 00:45:33,814
you find out who your friends are
when something good happens in your life.

917
00:45:34,940 --> 00:45:38,235
Like, I didn't realize so many people
were going to have my back.

918
00:45:38,318 --> 00:45:40,696
You know what I mean?
I didn't want to be that person, like,

919
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:42,698
"I've got a baby shower,
give me this stuff..."

920
00:45:42,781 --> 00:45:44,074
I didn't want to do that at all.

921
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:45,909
And I had friends just come out
the woodwork,

922
00:45:45,993 --> 00:45:48,912
they're like, "We want to set up
a registry for you. What do you want?"

923
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:51,832
And I'm like, "I don't need anything.
That's so sweet.

924
00:45:51,915 --> 00:45:53,917
I just need CBD oil and cash."

925
00:45:54,209 --> 00:45:56,003
[audience laughing]

926
00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:58,338
That's the new parent registry
right there.

927
00:45:59,548 --> 00:46:02,009
And then other friends, like, 
don't even know how to act.

928
00:46:02,092 --> 00:46:04,386
I had a friend say, "I want to
come over and hold the baby."

929
00:46:04,470 --> 00:46:08,056
I said, "Oh, yes, Jesus, come over
and hold the baby. Thank you so much."

930
00:46:08,891 --> 00:46:12,144
She came over, they were weeks old,
I said, "Can you wash your hands?

931
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:14,438
They don't have their shots yet."
And she goes, "Oh...

932
00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:16,523
I'm spiritually clean."

933
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:19,818
[audience laughing]

934
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:24,823
-I said, "You sound dirty as fuck."
-[audience laughing]

935
00:46:25,699 --> 00:46:28,660
Didn't want to wash her hands. I was
like, "I guess you won't hold the baby."

936
00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:31,246
So I'm talking to her,
wishing she'd leave... [laughs]

937
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,084
She just eating up all my good fruit
and crackers and stuff...

938
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:40,005
Baby boy started fussing,
so I picked him up,

939
00:46:40,088 --> 00:46:42,841
I started, you know, cuddling him
and stuff like that, comforting him.

940
00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:43,759
Here she go...

941
00:46:43,842 --> 00:46:46,178
"Hmm, he gonna manipulate you."

942
00:46:46,261 --> 00:46:48,430
[audience laughing]

943
00:46:48,722 --> 00:46:50,390
What? I said, "He's six weeks old!"

944
00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:53,519
She's like, "He's manipulating you

945
00:46:53,602 --> 00:46:56,480
and he's gonna manipulate you
even more."

946
00:46:56,939 --> 00:47:00,818
I said, "Bitch, did you get catfished
by a toll booth worker?"

947
00:47:00,901 --> 00:47:03,695
[audience cheering]

948
00:47:08,283 --> 00:47:11,245
[audience laughing]

949
00:47:13,205 --> 00:47:14,456
Don't come for a bitch.

950
00:47:17,501 --> 00:47:19,419
Husband and I were really lucky

951
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:22,172
because we welcomed these babies
via surrogacy.

952
00:47:22,798 --> 00:47:23,632
And...

953
00:47:23,715 --> 00:47:25,634
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.

954
00:47:25,717 --> 00:47:27,135
And that was really special.

955
00:47:27,469 --> 00:47:30,222
It was really, really special.

956
00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:33,016
And, you know, it's always an awkward,
like, conversation to have

957
00:47:33,100 --> 00:47:34,977
when you run into somebody, 
'cause they're like,

958
00:47:35,060 --> 00:47:37,062
"What's your birth story?"
I'm like, "Expensive."

959
00:47:37,145 --> 00:47:39,189
[audience laughing]

960
00:47:39,273 --> 00:47:41,024
But I ran into one of my neighbors
in New York

961
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,403
and he's like, "Ah, how y'all been?"
I'm like, "Good, man, we just welcomed

962
00:47:44,486 --> 00:47:45,779
these boy-girl twins..."

963
00:47:45,862 --> 00:47:48,574
And he's like, "Oh, you know what?
I don't mean to offend..."

964
00:47:48,657 --> 00:47:51,827
-I said, "But, you're gonna."
-[audience laughing]

965
00:47:52,619 --> 00:47:53,453
"Give it to me."

966
00:47:53,537 --> 00:47:56,582
He's like, "I know a really good diet
if you want to take the baby weight off."

967
00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:58,083
-I said...
-[audience gasping]

968
00:47:58,166 --> 00:48:02,087
-"That is so funny you say that..."
-[audience laughing]

969
00:48:02,170 --> 00:48:04,047
"...'cause we actually had a surrogate."

970
00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:05,924
And then he goes, "What's a surrogate?"

971
00:48:06,008 --> 00:48:09,761
I said, "Oh, my God." This is why we need
more federal funding for education,

972
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:14,099
so people know what the fuck is going on
outside of their two-mile radius,

973
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:18,186
I'm fucking done.
Let's get educated, okay? It matters.

974
00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:20,147
[audience cheering]

975
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:24,860
So... I'm explaining it to him,
I was like,

976
00:48:24,943 --> 00:48:28,530
"Our DNA, she's the carrier,
a miracle happened, we have a family,

977
00:48:28,614 --> 00:48:30,324
she's an angel walking on Earth..."

978
00:48:30,407 --> 00:48:31,700
I see his eyes going...

979
00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:35,203
And he goes,
"Oh, is it like Handmaid's Tale?"

980
00:48:35,287 --> 00:48:36,872
[audience gasping]

981
00:48:38,206 --> 00:48:40,042
[audience laughing]

982
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:43,545
And I knew I had a choice.

983
00:48:43,629 --> 00:48:45,380
[audience laughing]

984
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:48,175
So I said, 
"Yes, exactly like Handmaid's Tale."

985
00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:53,472
-It's exactly like it.
-[audience cheering]

986
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:57,142
-That's how you start a rumor.
-[audience laughing]

987
00:48:57,225 --> 00:48:59,728
It was really a wild ride, though,
for a good while

988
00:48:59,811 --> 00:49:02,356
because surrogacy
is not legal in New York.

989
00:49:03,106 --> 00:49:03,940
Which is crazy.

990
00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:07,069
Like, I am so tired
of old white men making laws for my body,

991
00:49:07,152 --> 00:49:09,821
and every other woman's bodies.
It's too much.

992
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:12,783
-[audience cheering]
-For us, by us.

993
00:49:13,825 --> 00:49:14,826
Oh, man.

994
00:49:14,910 --> 00:49:16,370
[audience cheering]

995
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:17,996
You know, it was really crazy, like,

996
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:20,415
I didn't think that's, like,
how my journey would go.

997
00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:24,002
And I always tell my friends, like,
it doesn't even matter at this point.

998
00:49:24,086 --> 00:49:26,672
Right? Like, it doesn't even matter
how the journey goes,

999
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:28,548
as long as you get to the other side.

1000
00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:30,175
That's the only thing that matters,

1001
00:49:30,258 --> 00:49:32,803
so don't give up anything
you want in life.

1002
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:34,471
-[audience cheering]
-Really.

1003
00:49:34,554 --> 00:49:36,765
And I wish somebody
would have told me that.

1004
00:49:37,849 --> 00:49:38,767
You know, I was sad.

1005
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:42,145
I was sad that I couldn't carry
but so happy somebody else could,

1006
00:49:42,604 --> 00:49:43,438
you know?

1007
00:49:44,523 --> 00:49:46,316
I decided to make the best out of it

1008
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:48,777
because you have to,
'cause life is still happening.

1009
00:49:49,236 --> 00:49:52,364
So when my surrogate was waiting
to go into labor,

1010
00:49:52,864 --> 00:49:55,659
my husband and I were at the bar next door
having a glass of wine.

1011
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:57,953
[audience laughing]

1012
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,708
And Oprah says you can have it all
but not at the same time,

1013
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:05,377
but I think you can, honey,
'cause I did that shit.

1014
00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:08,922
[audience cheering]

1015
00:50:10,841 --> 00:50:11,675
Oh!

1016
00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:13,802
The need to take care of something

1017
00:50:13,885 --> 00:50:16,138
besides your dusty friends
is fucking insane.

1018
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:18,140
At one point I was like,

1019
00:50:18,223 --> 00:50:20,392
"We gotta adopt a dog.
I gotta take care of something."

1020
00:50:20,475 --> 00:50:22,185
My husband said,
"What kind of dog you want?"

1021
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:23,228
I said, "A big one."

1022
00:50:23,562 --> 00:50:25,397
So he came home with a lab mastiff.

1023
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:28,358
-[audience laughing]
-Do you know what a mastiff was?

1024
00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:30,777
I didn't know.
I should have Google Imaged.

1025
00:50:31,987 --> 00:50:33,905
We have a pony. I have a pony.

1026
00:50:35,741 --> 00:50:38,869
I said, "She's 140 pounds,
she's my goal weight." Listen...

1027
00:50:39,411 --> 00:50:42,039
[audience laughing]

1028
00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:43,707
I have a shovel for her shit.

1029
00:50:43,790 --> 00:50:44,666
I wear overalls.

1030
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:46,877
I look like a Puerto Rican Kathy Bates.
Listen...

1031
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:49,045
[audience laughing]

1032
00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:53,258
I see so much shit before 11:00 a.m.
that's not mine. I'm a good person.

1033
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:56,720
She is big and black and beautiful,
she won't stop growing,

1034
00:50:56,803 --> 00:50:59,848
-I call her Precious. Um...
-[audience laughing]

1035
00:50:59,931 --> 00:51:01,558
Too soon? Too soon.

1036
00:51:02,184 --> 00:51:03,143
Spoiler?

1037
00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:05,604
[audience laughing]

1038
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:09,983
And I don't mean to be a big titty PSA,
but I just want to say,

1039
00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:12,444
if you're going to adopt a dog,
look into a black or brown one

1040
00:51:12,527 --> 00:51:14,780
because white and beige ones
get adopted first

1041
00:51:14,863 --> 00:51:16,615
and the black ones go down first.

1042
00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:19,076
#blackdogsmatter, thank you so much.

1043
00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:20,952
Are you writing it down?
You'll remember.

1044
00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:28,752
But what I love about my kids, I mean,
obviously because they're mine.

1045
00:51:28,835 --> 00:51:32,130
I love that they have such crazy
personalities, do you know what I mean?

1046
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:33,715
Because I'm the only child,

1047
00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:36,802
my parents like to say
they got it right the first time. [laughs]

1048
00:51:36,885 --> 00:51:39,304
But really, they weren't fucking,
you know?

1049
00:51:39,387 --> 00:51:40,889
[audience laughing]

1050
00:51:40,972 --> 00:51:44,309
Come on, separate bedrooms
and all those puzzles?

1051
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,856
-They ain't fucking.
-[audience laughing]

1052
00:51:50,732 --> 00:51:51,858
But I'm fascinated, like,

1053
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,985
they're the same ingredients
but so different.

1054
00:51:54,069 --> 00:51:57,072
Like, every morning
baby boy wakes up smiling

1055
00:51:57,155 --> 00:51:58,615
and baby girl wakes up crying

1056
00:51:58,698 --> 00:52:01,701
and I'm like, "Damn, it's like they
already know about the patriarchy."

1057
00:52:01,827 --> 00:52:03,829
[audience laughing]

1058
00:52:03,912 --> 00:52:04,996
How?

1059
00:52:07,207 --> 00:52:10,585
Like, real talk, baby boy just has
so much pure joy in his heart.

1060
00:52:10,669 --> 00:52:13,296
Every time we go out in New York,
in our neighborhood,

1061
00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:16,383
he wants to make eye contact,
he wants people to smile at him...

1062
00:52:16,466 --> 00:52:19,094
I'm like, "Motherfucker, stop it.
You going to get robbed."

1063
00:52:19,177 --> 00:52:20,929
[audience laughing]

1064
00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:22,180
Stop it!

1065
00:52:22,264 --> 00:52:24,766
And baby girl, she's so sassy.

1066
00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:26,685
I don't know where the fuck
she get it from.

1067
00:52:26,768 --> 00:52:29,563
-[audience laughing]
-I do not know.

1068
00:52:30,647 --> 00:52:34,484
Like, even the pediatrician was just like,
"Wow, her peripheral vision is so good."

1069
00:52:34,818 --> 00:52:36,570
[audience laughing]

1070
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:38,905
[audience cheering]

1071
00:52:42,534 --> 00:52:44,703
I said, "That's side-eye, motherfucker."

1072
00:52:44,786 --> 00:52:46,538
[audience laughing]

1073
00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:54,045
-She know you got the needle.
-[audience laughing]

1074
00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:56,006
[laughs]

1075
00:52:57,340 --> 00:52:58,300
Oh, man.

1076
00:52:59,175 --> 00:53:01,136
Anyway, I used to, um...

1077
00:53:01,636 --> 00:53:03,680
I used to judge parents so much.

1078
00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:07,434
Like, you can't judge people until you,
like, are really in them shoes.

1079
00:53:07,517 --> 00:53:10,061
You know what I mean? I'm like,
"I'm not going to do it like that.

1080
00:53:10,145 --> 00:53:12,105
I'm gonna be cool and do it like this."

1081
00:53:12,939 --> 00:53:15,066
And then you're a parent and you're like,
"Oh, fuck."

1082
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:16,526
[audience laughing]

1083
00:53:16,610 --> 00:53:17,527
"Help me."

1084
00:53:18,445 --> 00:53:20,363
Like, I used to judge parents

1085
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:22,365
when you would ask how old their kid is

1086
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:24,367
and they'd be like,
"19 and a half months."

1087
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:25,410
[stutters]

1088
00:53:26,828 --> 00:53:30,832
"Please don't make me do math.
Like, is that two? Is that two?

1089
00:53:31,833 --> 00:53:33,793
I'm not your accountant, I can't...

1090
00:53:34,836 --> 00:53:36,630
read these receipts right now."

1091
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,215
[audience laughing]

1092
00:53:39,674 --> 00:53:41,760
But I realize parents do that shit

1093
00:53:41,843 --> 00:53:45,138
because it's truly the last night
they had a good night's rest.

1094
00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:47,682
Real talk!

1095
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:52,103
If you out, you see a cute baby, you ask
the parent, "How old's your baby?"

1096
00:53:52,270 --> 00:53:54,898
And they be like,
"Eight months and four days."

1097
00:53:54,981 --> 00:53:57,776
[audience laughing]

1098
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,618
[laughing continues]

1099
00:54:07,369 --> 00:54:08,787
So happy. [laughs]

1100
00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:13,250
You give that new parent a hug,
you give him a joint,

1101
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:16,836
buy him a pickleback, I don't give a shit.
Be nice to them.

1102
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:18,922
[audience laughing]

1103
00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:21,841
I used to judge parents too,
actually, um...

1104
00:54:22,842 --> 00:54:27,138
that do that third-person singsongy shit
in front of you.

1105
00:54:27,847 --> 00:54:29,307
Oh, my God, you ever been out...

1106
00:54:30,183 --> 00:54:33,228
and see a dad just do, like,
a one-person show

1107
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:35,814
in front of you with their kid?

1108
00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:39,901
"Daddy wants to put your jacket on.
Could Daddy put your jacket on?

1109
00:54:40,318 --> 00:54:41,945
Daddy wants to put the jacket--"

1110
00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:45,657
-"Put the jacket on, Daddy."
-[audience laughing]

1111
00:54:47,117 --> 00:54:49,411
"It's March, we need a jacket. 
Put the jacket on."

1112
00:54:53,039 --> 00:54:54,374
Oh, my God.

1113
00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:59,045
These moms out here
doing the singsongy shit

1114
00:54:59,587 --> 00:55:02,590
like they're your waitress,
"What do you wanna eat?"

1115
00:55:02,674 --> 00:55:05,051
[audience laughing]

1116
00:55:08,013 --> 00:55:10,682
"Mommy wanna get you something to eat.
What do you want?

1117
00:55:10,765 --> 00:55:11,933
Mommy want to get you--"

1118
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,810
"Get the kid something to eat.

1119
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:16,688
The kid want food."

1120
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:20,317
Oh, my God.
"Mommy wanna get you a cookie.

1121
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:21,776
What kind of cookie do you want?"

1122
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,611
"It ain't British Bake Off, bitch."

1123
00:55:23,695 --> 00:55:25,989
[audience laughing]

1124
00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:27,407
Get the kid a cookie.

1125
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:29,993
[laughs]

1126
00:55:30,076 --> 00:55:33,580
But I'm realizing now,
you do that singsongy shit

1127
00:55:34,164 --> 00:55:36,958
because you can't rush your kids,
you know?

1128
00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:39,169
They don't understand
what it's like being late.

1129
00:55:41,254 --> 00:55:43,381
They don't. We can't rush our kids.

1130
00:55:43,465 --> 00:55:45,425
If we rush them,
they're gonna be all anxious

1131
00:55:45,508 --> 00:55:47,761
and we're just going to have
a world full of Larry Davids.

1132
00:55:47,844 --> 00:55:50,263
-Who wants that?
-[audience laughing]

1133
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:52,390
Not me, sis!

1134
00:55:57,687 --> 00:56:01,191
Nobody wants that, and I just fell
into that singy-songy shit.

1135
00:56:01,399 --> 00:56:02,734
I didn't even know I was doing it.

1136
00:56:02,817 --> 00:56:05,403
I came home one night and I was like,

1137
00:56:05,487 --> 00:56:07,489
[singsong] "Oh, baby girl,

1138
00:56:07,906 --> 00:56:10,492
Daddy didn't change your diaper.

1139
00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:14,120
So mommy gonna change your diaper.

1140
00:56:14,829 --> 00:56:16,623
♪ Mommy gonna change your diaper  ♪

1141
00:56:16,706 --> 00:56:18,833
♪ Mommy gonna change your diaper ♪

1142
00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:21,002
♪ Mommy gonna change
Mommy gonna change ♪

1143
00:56:21,294 --> 00:56:23,296
♪ Mommy going to change your diaper ♪

1144
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:25,590
♪ Mommy gonna change... ♪

1145
00:56:26,549 --> 00:56:27,759
♪ Your... ♪

1146
00:56:28,510 --> 00:56:29,469
♪ Dia... ♪

1147
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:31,471
[audience laughs]

1148
00:56:35,141 --> 00:56:36,142
♪ ...per! ♪

1149
00:56:37,644 --> 00:56:38,937
'Cause who rules the world?

1150
00:56:39,020 --> 00:56:42,398
Girls!"

1151
00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:44,984
[audience cheering]

1152
00:56:47,862 --> 00:56:48,822
I just wanna say,

1153
00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:52,367
oh, my God, you guys,
I truly feel like a size 13.

1154
00:56:52,450 --> 00:56:54,661
-Um...
-[audience laughing]

1155
00:56:54,744 --> 00:56:57,914
I just want to say, I've been doing
stand-up for 18 years,

1156
00:56:58,248 --> 00:56:59,624
-and it is...
-[audience cheering]

1157
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,668
It's been a journey.

1158
00:57:01,918 --> 00:57:03,128
It's been a journey.

1159
00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:06,089
And that's why I tell you, just keep doing
whatever the fuck you want to do

1160
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:09,259
because you never know what is
going to happen, but it'll be great.

1161
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,344
-Anything you want.
-[audience cheering]

1162
00:57:11,427 --> 00:57:12,262
And...

1163
00:57:13,930 --> 00:57:15,765
-Oh, my God.
-[cheering continues]

1164
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:17,308
And I just want to say...

1165
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:21,396
And I just want to say, there's a lot
of shit going on in the world right now.

1166
00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:23,982
There's always going to be a lot of shit
going on in the world

1167
00:57:24,065 --> 00:57:26,609
and it doesn't matter
what your title is at work,

1168
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:28,278
or what your degree says,

1169
00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:30,071
or whatever fucking car you drive.

1170
00:57:30,155 --> 00:57:33,199
The only thing that matters
is your character.

1171
00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:35,702
We have to be kind to each other

1172
00:57:35,994 --> 00:57:39,747
and I cannot appreciate you enough
for being kind to me.

1173
00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:43,710
-[audience cheering]
-That's been my motherfucking show!

1174
00:57:44,460 --> 00:57:46,504
[audience cheering]

1175
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:48,590
[whistling and cheering]

1176
00:57:48,673 --> 00:57:52,594
[upbeat music playing]

1177
00:57:52,677 --> 00:57:56,139
[cheering continues]

1178
00:57:56,222 --> 00:57:57,348
[squeals]

1179
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:02,854
[cheering and whistling]

1180
00:58:02,937 --> 00:58:06,232
[upbeat music continues playing]

1181
00:58:48,566 --> 00:58:52,403
[woman] Oy vey! And up.
Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it!