WEBVTT
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Sting!
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Sting, open up!
It's Bieber!
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Sting! Come on! Sting!
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It's Bieber, bro!
Open the door!
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Oh, fudge!
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You can't kill us all.
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We will protect
the Chosen One.
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Uh-huh.
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Peace out, world.
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Peace out.
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Valentina, he was pronounced
dead 13 minutes ago.
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I can't believe it.
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Justin Bieber?
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No.
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The sixth pop star
to die in the last year.
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And all with that look.
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As if they were
trying to tell us something.
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That look.
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There's only one person
on Earth
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who would know
how to interpret this look.
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It's a dead end,
Valentina.
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No one has seen
that man in years.
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Then God help us all.
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Shocking. Stupefying.
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Something out of a Hollywood
disaster movie.
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Just a few of the ways
New Yorkers described
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what happened today
as Derek Zoolander's
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Center for Kids
Who Can't Read Good
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00:05:04.004 --> 00:05:06.872
and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, Too
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literally collapsed
into the East River
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only two days after
its official opening.
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Students and teachers
were evacuated.
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And while Zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,
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sadly, his wife,
Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,
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has reportedly died.
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I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!
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She was crushed by the book?
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A vigil is being held tonight
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for the other chisel-cheeked lion
of the modeling kingdom,
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Hansel, who is reported
to have sustained
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permanent injury
to his breathtaking face
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after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.
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Although
authorities are still investigating,
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the cause of the disaster
is believed to be
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Zoolander's
mind-boggling decision
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to build the reading center
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out of the actual materials
that were used to construct
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the original
architectural model.
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00:06:03.731 --> 00:06:05.564
Clothing designer
Jacob Moogberg,
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00:06:05.566 --> 00:06:07.833
AKA Jacobim Mugatu
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was sentenced today
to two consecutive life terms
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in a maximum
security fashion prison
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for his role in
the attempted assassination
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of the Malaysian Prime Minister.
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His co-conspirator, modeling agent
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Maury Ballstein,
turned state's witness...
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I'll give you anything
you want on that fakakta fink.
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...in exchange for relocation in
the Witness Protection Program.
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Back in the news tonight,
former model, negligent builder,
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00:06:32.426 --> 00:06:35.160
now unfit parent,
Derek Zoolander.
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00:06:35.162 --> 00:06:36.962
This footage was taken
by a neighbor
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across from
Zoolander's SoHo loft.
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D.J., how did Mommy
make it soft?
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The Child Protection Agency
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removed Zoolander's son,
Derek Jr.
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00:06:47.908 --> 00:06:50.142
late last night in
a daring midnight raid
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placing him in
the custody of the state.
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Which is why it
pains me to say
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that effective immediately,
I will retire from modeling
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00:06:59.052 --> 00:07:01.953
and live alone
as a hermit crab.
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00:07:02.990 --> 00:07:05.724
I will now be anonymous
and known only as...
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Eric...
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Toolander.
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00:07:11.999 --> 00:07:13.432
And finally tonight,
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here's something
to make you feel old.
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Incredible as it may sound,
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of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates this year
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less than 2% could tell you
what a fax machine is,
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name a Caucasian President,
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or know who
Derek Zoolander was.
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Was... Was... Was...
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Go away.
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Derek!
Open up, it's me.
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I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.
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No one lives here
by that name.
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Right. Sorry.
I mean, Eric.
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I've got your mail.
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Billy Zane. It's been years.
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Where's my regular mailperson,
Ingvar?
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He couldn't make it.
91
00:08:43.557 --> 00:08:45.877
I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.
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Got your Netflix.
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00:08:49.963 --> 00:08:51.530
Whoa, Jack Ryan...
94
00:08:52.266 --> 00:08:54.065
...and Jack Reacher.
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Tonight's gonna be
a total Jack-off.
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You have
something else here.
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What is it?
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Open it.
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Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.
100
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Are you a Boxtroll?
101
00:09:25.299 --> 00:09:27.332
That's Alexanya Atoz,
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00:09:27.334 --> 00:09:30.035
owner of the largest fashion
empire in the world.
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Because you are one of the
world's true fishion icons,
104
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I have personal selected you
to come to Rome...
105
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The Eturnanal Cyootee...
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To muddel my
nyouest colleeauction
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by my hoottest now designer...
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Doon Atari.
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Who?
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Don Atari.
111
00:09:55.829 --> 00:09:57.629
He's "it" in
fashion right now.
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People would die
to be in his show.
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I can't.
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I'm a hermit crab now.
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Gryootings,
Derek Zoolownder.
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I already told you!
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It's like you're not
even listening to me!
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Derek, uh...
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00:10:16.984 --> 00:10:19.351
Eric.
120
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Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.
121
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Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.
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And what if it's
a stop sign, Billy?
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I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.
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Now, I'm just a model/failure.
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Slash-guy who is
still a model/father.
126
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Slash-guy
who killed his wife
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using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.
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Slash-guy who has got to stop
beating himself up about that!
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Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti soft
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so they took away his son,
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so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.
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Slash.
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00:11:01.962 --> 00:11:05.402
Slash-have you ever even
tried to get your son back?
134
00:11:08.802 --> 00:11:10.301
You can do that?
135
00:11:10.303 --> 00:11:12.804
Yeah.
You'd hire a litigator,
136
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he files
the appropriate paperwork...
137
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But I don't even
know where he is.
138
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First things first.
139
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If you take this job
that Alexanya's offering you,
140
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you could prove
to Child Services
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00:11:24.785 --> 00:11:27.265
that you're a productive
member of society again.
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Go to Rome.
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Find yourself.
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Become the father
you were meant to be
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and get your boy back.
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Safe journey, my friend!
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Thanks, Billy!
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What have you got?
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Ball and chain not happy.
150
00:13:09.189 --> 00:13:10.555
Sorry I'm late!
151
00:13:10.557 --> 00:13:11.557
Oh, my gosh.
152
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I was finishing up
Shavasana
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and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.
154
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I'm okay, though.
155
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Ah, Natalka,
you look beautiful.
156
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Really?
157
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Yes, really.
158
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Dinner is ruined!
159
00:13:31.594 --> 00:13:32.810
Guys, I told you
not to wait for me, didn't I?
160
00:13:32.813 --> 00:13:34.413
Remember,
we talked about this.
161
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Can't we just
take it slow?
162
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When I met you guys
two years ago,
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it was the best orgy
of my life.
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Let's get back to
that feeling.
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It's there.
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Hansel.
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Every relationship
has to evolve.
168
00:13:53.133 --> 00:13:55.567
And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.
169
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But you're gonna
have to change, my man.
170
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'Cause change,
she is a-comin'.
171
00:14:02.008 --> 00:14:03.008
What?
172
00:14:10.917 --> 00:14:12.150
Natalka.
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All of you?
174
00:14:25.332 --> 00:14:27.532
How is this even possible?
175
00:14:27.534 --> 00:14:29.133
We thought you'd be happy.
176
00:14:30.036 --> 00:14:32.103
Well, I am happy.
177
00:14:32.105 --> 00:14:33.972
That, uh...
178
00:14:33.974 --> 00:14:36.875
It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing.
179
00:14:37.510 --> 00:14:39.244
To be honest,
180
00:14:39.246 --> 00:14:41.446
I've never seen myself
in this role, you know, as a...
181
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You mean a father?
182
00:14:43.316 --> 00:14:45.550
Well... Uh... I...
183
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Let me...
I want to check on...
184
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On the camel here!
185
00:14:59.266 --> 00:15:00.932
Who am I?
186
00:15:04.070 --> 00:15:05.536
Who am I?
187
00:15:06.373 --> 00:15:07.613
Hey, Hansel!
188
00:15:11.177 --> 00:15:12.410
Billy Zane?
189
00:15:13.680 --> 00:15:15.013
Got your Netflix.
190
00:15:16.383 --> 00:15:17.548
And this.
191
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- Thanks very much.
- No, it's my bag.
192
00:15:41.942 --> 00:15:43.041
Excuse me,
I think that's...
193
00:15:43.043 --> 00:15:45.476
No, trust me,
this is my bag.
194
00:15:45.478 --> 00:15:47.645
Just look at the ticket right here.
Hansel.
195
00:15:47.647 --> 00:15:49.614
Never heard of him,
honcho.
196
00:15:49.616 --> 00:15:52.616
Look right here at the ticket
and you can see that...
197
00:15:53.586 --> 00:15:55.320
Derek Zoolander.
198
00:15:57.624 --> 00:16:00.291
Hi. It's been a long time.
199
00:16:01.094 --> 00:16:02.961
Yeah. Not long enough.
200
00:16:04.664 --> 00:16:07.231
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I should peace.
201
00:16:07.534 --> 00:16:09.500
Wait a minute!
202
00:16:09.502 --> 00:16:11.002
We haven't seen
each other since...
203
00:16:11.004 --> 00:16:12.236
Since the building
you designed
204
00:16:12.238 --> 00:16:13.972
fell on my face
and ruined my career?
205
00:16:13.974 --> 00:16:15.673
Yeah, it's been a while.
206
00:16:15.675 --> 00:16:18.176
It was an accident.
I didn't mean to...
207
00:16:18.178 --> 00:16:20.745
You didn't mean to build the support
beams out of popsicle sticks
208
00:16:20.747 --> 00:16:22.981
and highly-flammable
rubber cement?
209
00:16:22.983 --> 00:16:24.048
That was just
a little accident?
210
00:16:24.050 --> 00:16:25.050
Yeah.
211
00:16:26.186 --> 00:16:28.219
This is it. Forever.
212
00:16:28.688 --> 00:16:30.488
Because I promise you,
213
00:16:30.490 --> 00:16:33.491
this is the last time
we will ever see each other.
214
00:16:33.493 --> 00:16:35.259
Right here, this moment.
215
00:16:35.261 --> 00:16:37.095
Good-bye forever.
216
00:16:37.597 --> 00:16:39.130
Works for me.
217
00:16:52.278 --> 00:16:53.578
Hope you're not
an epiplectic,
218
00:16:53.580 --> 00:16:55.146
because we're about
to get blinded.
219
00:16:55.148 --> 00:16:56.414
Yep. Here we go.
220
00:16:59.552 --> 00:17:01.192
Susan Boyle, right here!
221
00:17:02.722 --> 00:17:04.355
Take a picture of that!
222
00:17:04.357 --> 00:17:05.556
Vultures!
223
00:17:08.661 --> 00:17:10.728
I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,
224
00:17:10.730 --> 00:17:12.196
they don't know
who we are.
225
00:17:12.198 --> 00:17:13.564
Derek! Hansel!
226
00:17:14.701 --> 00:17:16.034
Hey, boys. I'm Vip.
227
00:17:18.038 --> 00:17:20.204
Vip?
Yeah.
228
00:17:20.206 --> 00:17:22.306
I'm in charge of social
media for Don Atari.
229
00:17:22.308 --> 00:17:23.775
I've been working for him
since I was 10.
230
00:17:23.777 --> 00:17:25.043
How old are you now?
231
00:17:25.445 --> 00:17:26.677
Eleven.
232
00:17:26.679 --> 00:17:27.839
Should we go to the hotel?
233
00:17:43.229 --> 00:17:45.229
Pretty strange, you and I
both getting called back
234
00:17:45.231 --> 00:17:47.632
to the big stage
like this.
235
00:17:47.634 --> 00:17:51.335
A gig's a gig.
I'm just doing this to get my son back.
236
00:17:51.337 --> 00:17:54.705
Explain how doing a fashion
show's gonna accomplish that.
237
00:17:54.707 --> 00:17:57.809
Simple. Child Services hears
I'm working again,
238
00:17:57.811 --> 00:18:00.244
KKK, a responsible parent,
239
00:18:00.246 --> 00:18:01.846
and they give me
my son back.
240
00:18:01.848 --> 00:18:04.449
Responsible parent?
241
00:18:04.451 --> 00:18:06.084
What? You don't think
I could be one?
242
00:18:06.086 --> 00:18:08.519
No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.
243
00:18:08.521 --> 00:18:09.854
I didn't have a father.
244
00:18:09.856 --> 00:18:12.256
It's kind of my
big issue right now.
245
00:18:12.258 --> 00:18:14.592
You didn't have a father?
Nah.
246
00:18:14.594 --> 00:18:18.329
All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.
247
00:18:18.331 --> 00:18:21.165
Always on the road.
248
00:18:21.167 --> 00:18:23.247
The road away
from little Hansel.
249
00:18:32.212 --> 00:18:34.745
Valentina. You're going
to want to see this.
250
00:18:42.589 --> 00:18:44.722
Check out
Mr. Disco Barry Gibb.
251
00:18:48.328 --> 00:18:49.794
Zoolander is in Rome?
252
00:19:01.207 --> 00:19:03.174
Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.
253
00:19:03.176 --> 00:19:04.909
The entire hotel
is biodegradable
254
00:19:04.911 --> 00:19:06.711
and made from
reclaimed human waste.
255
00:19:07.814 --> 00:19:10.314
This is the ultra-exclusive,
fully-toxic,
256
00:19:10.316 --> 00:19:12.383
Zero-Footprint Suite.
257
00:19:12.385 --> 00:19:14.685
The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.
258
00:19:14.687 --> 00:19:16.727
And the hotel has complimentary
farm-to-table Wi-Fi.
259
00:19:17.690 --> 00:19:18.856
Wait...
We're rooming together?
260
00:19:18.858 --> 00:19:20.358
Mmm-hmm.
261
00:19:20.360 --> 00:19:22.193
There must be some mistake.
262
00:19:22.195 --> 00:19:23.294
I'll call Billy Zane.
263
00:19:23.296 --> 00:19:24.456
Good idea.
264
00:19:26.566 --> 00:19:28.933
Look, tiny phone!
That is so retro.
265
00:19:28.935 --> 00:19:30.695
I'm gonna take a picture
of it with my phone.
266
00:19:31.904 --> 00:19:33.637
This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...
267
00:19:33.640 --> 00:19:36.374
Well, Don Atari is waiting
for you down in the lobby.
268
00:19:36.376 --> 00:19:39.376
Oh, and don't drink the
water or you'll die.
269
00:19:42.448 --> 00:19:43.681
I just have one question.
270
00:19:43.683 --> 00:19:44.683
Yeah?
271
00:19:46.252 --> 00:19:49.253
What in the world is
farm-to-table Wi-Fi?
272
00:19:49.255 --> 00:19:50.421
You're asking me?
273
00:19:50.423 --> 00:19:52.657
Muchacho, I have no idea.
274
00:19:52.659 --> 00:19:54.792
For serious?
No!
275
00:19:54.794 --> 00:19:56.761
Because when Vip said that,
you had this look on your face, like,
276
00:19:56.763 --> 00:19:58.663
"I totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"
277
00:19:58.665 --> 00:20:00.765
I was acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.
278
00:20:00.767 --> 00:20:02.667
I thought you knew!
279
00:20:02.669 --> 00:20:05.509
No, I just didn't want Vip
to think I was uncool!
280
00:20:07.373 --> 00:20:09.473
I miss not knowing things
with you.
281
00:20:09.475 --> 00:20:11.576
Yeah. Me, too.
282
00:20:11.578 --> 00:20:13.511
Why didn't
we do this sooner?
283
00:20:13.513 --> 00:20:14.745
Because we've
both been in hiding
284
00:20:14.747 --> 00:20:15.880
since the day
I killed my wife
285
00:20:15.882 --> 00:20:17.515
and permanently
disfigured you.
286
00:20:17.517 --> 00:20:19.597
Oh, yeah,
that's probably it.
287
00:20:21.521 --> 00:20:23.221
That was the day
I lost the fire.
288
00:20:23.223 --> 00:20:24.455
The fire?
289
00:20:25.258 --> 00:20:26.757
The fire in my face.
290
00:20:28.294 --> 00:20:31.229
It's kind of
my big issue right now.
291
00:20:31.231 --> 00:20:34.398
You still got it, D-Zone.
You're Derek Zoolander.
292
00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:37.520
You stopped a Chinese
throwing star in mid-air with a look.
293
00:20:39.872 --> 00:20:41.072
I was there.
294
00:20:42.842 --> 00:20:44.308
That's not me anymore.
295
00:20:44.310 --> 00:20:45.910
Yes, it is.
296
00:20:45.912 --> 00:20:48.913
Hey, flash me
that beautiful look.
297
00:20:48.915 --> 00:20:50.715
Give me that
incredible Magnum.
298
00:20:50.717 --> 00:20:51.717
No!
299
00:20:52.585 --> 00:20:53.751
Think fast. Magnum.
300
00:20:53.753 --> 00:20:54.952
Wait, no!
301
00:20:54.954 --> 00:20:55.994
Magnum! Now!
302
00:20:56.623 --> 00:20:58.889
Oh!
303
00:20:58.891 --> 00:21:00.611
Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!
304
00:21:02.395 --> 00:21:04.362
Come on!
Hansel, stop!
305
00:21:04.364 --> 00:21:06.297
You have this! Yeah!
306
00:21:06.299 --> 00:21:07.765
Maybe we could
try a wash cloth?
307
00:21:07.767 --> 00:21:09.433
Tequila!
Hansel, no!
308
00:21:10.670 --> 00:21:12.770
No! It's not working!
309
00:21:13.673 --> 00:21:15.273
Ah, you're right.
310
00:21:20.280 --> 00:21:22.013
What happened to us?
311
00:21:24.350 --> 00:21:25.983
You mean me.
312
00:21:27.620 --> 00:21:28.919
You still have it.
313
00:21:28.921 --> 00:21:30.588
No, I don't.
314
00:21:30.590 --> 00:21:33.030
Look at this face.
It's a horror show.
315
00:21:37.730 --> 00:21:40.464
Come on, Hansel.
It can't be that bad.
316
00:21:40.466 --> 00:21:41.666
It is.
317
00:21:42.602 --> 00:21:43.968
Take off your mask.
No.
318
00:21:43.970 --> 00:21:45.636
No way.
319
00:21:45.638 --> 00:21:48.072
No one's ever seen me
without this mask.
320
00:21:48.074 --> 00:21:50.114
And no one ever will.
321
00:21:50.910 --> 00:21:53.678
I think I know the real you.
322
00:21:53.680 --> 00:21:55.680
And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.
323
00:21:56.716 --> 00:21:58.349
You mean that?
324
00:21:58.351 --> 00:21:59.583
Of course, I do.
325
00:21:59.919 --> 00:22:00.919
Okay.
326
00:22:05.091 --> 00:22:06.824
No!
327
00:22:06.826 --> 00:22:08.793
It's disgusting!
Put it back!
328
00:22:08.795 --> 00:22:10.828
I was wrong, please,
put the mask back on! It's so gross!
329
00:22:10.830 --> 00:22:13.030
I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!
330
00:22:13.032 --> 00:22:15.700
It is so disgusting!
Please, put it back!
331
00:22:15.702 --> 00:22:17.101
Please, Hansel, put it back,
I was wrong!
332
00:22:17.103 --> 00:22:20.438
No. This feels good.
333
00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:21.806
Could you please
put the mask back on
334
00:22:21.808 --> 00:22:23.107
so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?
335
00:22:23.109 --> 00:22:26.510
No! I'm done hiding.
336
00:22:26.512 --> 00:22:29.113
Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.
337
00:22:29.115 --> 00:22:31.115
Know what that is?
338
00:22:31.117 --> 00:22:33.984
Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?
339
00:22:33.986 --> 00:22:36.420
No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,
340
00:22:36.422 --> 00:22:37.788
hottest models
in the world again.
341
00:22:37.790 --> 00:22:39.490
Okay.
342
00:22:39.492 --> 00:22:41.959
Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,
343
00:22:41.961 --> 00:22:44.061
shave that
billy goat beard,
344
00:22:44.063 --> 00:22:47.431
go downstairs and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?
345
00:23:27.106 --> 00:23:29.907
Oh, my God. Yes, dude!
346
00:23:29.909 --> 00:23:33.878
Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.
347
00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:34.979
You ninjas dressed up
all old-school just to meet me.
348
00:23:34.981 --> 00:23:36.614
So Jedi.
349
00:23:36.616 --> 00:23:37.915
You guys suck.
Both of you guys suck.
350
00:23:37.917 --> 00:23:39.083
You look great.
351
00:23:39.819 --> 00:23:40.918
Thanks.
352
00:23:41.621 --> 00:23:43.154
I'm Don Atari. What up?
353
00:23:44.490 --> 00:23:45.790
What up, Hansel?
354
00:23:45.792 --> 00:23:48.492
Yeah. That's sick.
355
00:23:48.494 --> 00:23:50.027
Wait a minute.
"I'll call Billy...".
356
00:23:50.696 --> 00:23:51.829
I just said that!
357
00:23:52.932 --> 00:23:54.999
I know.
Like, 15 minutes ago, right?
358
00:23:55.001 --> 00:23:56.634
Vip told me,
so I made these retro shirts
359
00:23:56.636 --> 00:23:58.596
with your old catchphrase on it.
360
00:23:58.838 --> 00:24:00.671
Cool.
361
00:24:00.673 --> 00:24:02.006
Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.
362
00:24:02.008 --> 00:24:03.474
They're all losers,
I hate these guys.
363
00:24:03.476 --> 00:24:05.109
We got TRS-80, KITT...
364
00:24:05.812 --> 00:24:08.045
Rubik, my man Gleek.
365
00:24:08.047 --> 00:24:10.981
Eh, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.
366
00:24:10.983 --> 00:24:13.150
He's a genius.
His tattoos are so stupid.
367
00:24:13.152 --> 00:24:14.852
He's the one who did
my Colonel Sanders.
368
00:24:14.854 --> 00:24:16.020
Look at that,
pretty epic, huh?
369
00:24:16.022 --> 00:24:17.982
It sucks,
I don't like it, dude.
370
00:24:18.958 --> 00:24:21.525
Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.
371
00:24:21.527 --> 00:24:23.527
I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.
372
00:24:23.763 --> 00:24:25.029
That's really cool.
373
00:24:25.031 --> 00:24:27.531
So, uh, what's the deal
with the show?
374
00:24:27.533 --> 00:24:29.967
Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?
375
00:24:29.969 --> 00:24:33.003
Colosseum? Trevi Fountain?
Spanish Steps?
376
00:24:34.140 --> 00:24:35.806
What? No way, dude.
377
00:24:35.808 --> 00:24:38.108
Those places are
gnar-gnar bo-bo.
378
00:24:38.110 --> 00:24:40.144
We're holding it in an abandoned
medical waste facility
379
00:24:40.146 --> 00:24:42.079
on top of
an industrial trash heap.
380
00:24:42.081 --> 00:24:43.961
It's totally toxic,
but super chill.
381
00:24:44.250 --> 00:24:46.083
Cool! Sounds dope.
382
00:24:46.085 --> 00:24:47.218
Yeah, fresh.
383
00:24:47.220 --> 00:24:49.086
Oh, what?
384
00:24:49.088 --> 00:24:51.369
You guys are like,
"Sounds dope!" "Fresh!"
385
00:24:52.658 --> 00:24:54.959
They're doing the voices
and everything!
386
00:24:54.961 --> 00:24:57.127
I didn't think you guys
would do the voices. That's sick!
387
00:24:57.129 --> 00:24:59.129
"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"
388
00:25:00.700 --> 00:25:02.900
I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.
389
00:25:19.619 --> 00:25:20.619
Hey, retreads!
390
00:25:21.687 --> 00:25:23.521
I want to introduce you all
to my muse
391
00:25:23.523 --> 00:25:25.122
and basically, like,
the biggest supermodel
392
00:25:25.124 --> 00:25:26.557
in the whole world
right now, dude.
393
00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:27.858
This is All.
394
00:25:28.794 --> 00:25:29.994
All what?
395
00:25:29.996 --> 00:25:31.195
We are All.
396
00:25:31.197 --> 00:25:36.267
So, are you like a male model
or a female model?
397
00:25:36.269 --> 00:25:38.629
All is not defined
by binary constructs.
398
00:25:39.639 --> 00:25:42.139
That's cool.
I don't like labels, either.
399
00:25:42.141 --> 00:25:44.422
But I think he's asking,
do you have a hot dog or a bun?
400
00:25:46.612 --> 00:25:48.252
Do you have a wiener
or vergiener?
401
00:25:48.881 --> 00:25:51.615
All is all to all.
402
00:25:53.986 --> 00:25:56.887
By the way, All just
married hermself, dude.
403
00:25:56.889 --> 00:25:58.409
Monomarriage is
finally legal in Italy.
404
00:25:58.925 --> 00:26:00.791
I support that.
405
00:26:00.793 --> 00:26:02.153
Derek, that's pretty good,
right?
406
00:26:05.932 --> 00:26:08.232
Uh, I'm sorry,
are you not comfortable
407
00:26:08.234 --> 00:26:09.099
with people like All
in the workplace or something?
408
00:26:10.069 --> 00:26:12.336
No. Of course, I am.
409
00:26:12.338 --> 00:26:14.138
I mean, like, if your son or whatever
came to you and said,
410
00:26:14.140 --> 00:26:15.773
"Hey, Dad,
I really want to marry All,"
411
00:26:15.775 --> 00:26:17.274
like, wouldn't you
be so stoked for that?
412
00:26:17.276 --> 00:26:19.143
Isn't that, like,
exactly what you want?
413
00:26:19.145 --> 00:26:20.978
Imagine All walking in,
being like,
414
00:26:20.980 --> 00:26:22.947
"We'll finally be together."
415
00:26:22.949 --> 00:26:25.269
You'd be like hella
stoked for that, right?
416
00:26:25.651 --> 00:26:27.651
Yeah.
417
00:26:27.653 --> 00:26:29.013
I'd be, like,
totally stoked.
418
00:26:30.256 --> 00:26:32.022
All is done here. Atari.
419
00:26:32.858 --> 00:26:34.258
See you, fools.
420
00:26:34.260 --> 00:26:37.061
Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!
421
00:26:37.063 --> 00:26:38.228
The show must begin now!
422
00:26:40.766 --> 00:26:43.834
Wow. Alexanya Atoz.
423
00:26:43.836 --> 00:26:45.916
They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.
424
00:26:50.076 --> 00:26:51.675
She looks even better
in person.
425
00:27:00.886 --> 00:27:03.046
Ah, I got those juices
flowing again.
426
00:27:08.794 --> 00:27:11.228
Just put us out there.
Let us do our thing.
427
00:27:14.634 --> 00:27:15.366
Come on! Come on!
428
00:27:15.368 --> 00:27:19.269
Chop, chop!
Lay down, lay down!
429
00:27:19.271 --> 00:27:21.205
Get in, get in.
Take off your robes.
430
00:27:23.009 --> 00:27:24.642
Go! Go! Go!
431
00:27:26.912 --> 00:27:30.714
Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.
432
00:27:30.716 --> 00:27:32.783
I know. I feel so alive!
433
00:27:39.291 --> 00:27:41.011
Oh!
434
00:27:52.238 --> 00:27:53.404
"Old"?
435
00:27:55.675 --> 00:27:56.840
"Lame"?
436
00:28:05.117 --> 00:28:06.817
Ha! Yah!
437
00:28:11.123 --> 00:28:12.256
Quit it, All!
438
00:28:13.793 --> 00:28:15.926
Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!
439
00:28:16.395 --> 00:28:17.395
All is done.
440
00:28:26.205 --> 00:28:27.205
"Prunes"?
441
00:28:45.391 --> 00:28:47.391
So let me tell you
what I think worked.
442
00:28:47.393 --> 00:28:50.027
I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.
443
00:28:50.029 --> 00:28:51.361
I was trying out
a few new looks,
444
00:28:51.363 --> 00:28:53.230
although it might
have been hard to see
445
00:28:53.231 --> 00:28:55.098
through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?
446
00:28:55.101 --> 00:28:57.234
Hansel, are you insane?
447
00:28:57.236 --> 00:28:58.902
We were a joke out there.
448
00:28:58.904 --> 00:29:00.144
A total laughing stick.
449
00:29:01.140 --> 00:29:02.806
What do you want me to say?
I mean, I know...
450
00:29:02.808 --> 00:29:04.141
I know we
looked like idiots,
451
00:29:04.143 --> 00:29:05.275
but I'm trying to make
the best of it!
452
00:29:05.277 --> 00:29:06.310
Knuck, knuck!
453
00:29:06.312 --> 00:29:07.512
Not now! We...
454
00:29:11.951 --> 00:29:13.150
You...
455
00:29:13.786 --> 00:29:15.319
...two...
456
00:29:15.321 --> 00:29:17.020
...vere amowzing.
457
00:29:18.290 --> 00:29:19.757
Deeryuck.
458
00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:22.426
Your fece so hundsome.
459
00:29:22.428 --> 00:29:24.762
Und, Hansel, so stemmy.
460
00:29:26.432 --> 00:29:29.266
Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot.
461
00:29:31.170 --> 00:29:33.451
I'm sorry. I can't understand a word
that you're saying.
462
00:29:34.273 --> 00:29:37.274
I want to invite
you to be my gyuests
463
00:29:37.276 --> 00:29:40.978
at the most elite
fishion event in housetory.
464
00:29:42.314 --> 00:29:43.847
The IncrediBall.
465
00:29:44.784 --> 00:29:45.983
Oh, what!
466
00:29:46.952 --> 00:29:48.318
The IncrediBall?
467
00:29:48.320 --> 00:29:49.419
Is that like the Met Ball?
468
00:29:53.125 --> 00:29:56.860
No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.
469
00:29:56.862 --> 00:30:00.831
For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,
470
00:30:00.833 --> 00:30:03.967
all of the most important
designers will come together
471
00:30:03.969 --> 00:30:05.502
under one rureff.
472
00:30:06.972 --> 00:30:10.107
I trust you will be dere
473
00:30:10.109 --> 00:30:13.343
with your hyot
and stemmy feces.
474
00:30:19.151 --> 00:30:20.951
Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!
475
00:30:22.388 --> 00:30:24.555
You're guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!
476
00:30:24.557 --> 00:30:26.857
What does that mean?
477
00:30:26.859 --> 00:30:29.539
The center-pizzle of IncrediBall.
478
00:30:30.896 --> 00:30:32.496
That was bananas, Johnny.
479
00:30:36.569 --> 00:30:38.235
I'm done.
480
00:30:38.237 --> 00:30:40.304
What? Derek, what are you
talking about?
481
00:30:40.306 --> 00:30:41.605
Did you not hear
what they just said?
482
00:30:41.607 --> 00:30:43.907
We're going to be the center
of the IncrediBall.
483
00:30:43.909 --> 00:30:46.510
I can only pray that nobody from
Child Services attended the show
484
00:30:46.512 --> 00:30:48.111
or I'll never get
little Derek back.
485
00:30:48.881 --> 00:30:50.113
What about
all the attention?
486
00:30:50.115 --> 00:30:52.616
This is exactly
what we were talking about!
487
00:30:52.618 --> 00:30:54.985
No, Hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.
488
00:30:55.487 --> 00:30:57.154
We don't fit in anymore.
489
00:30:57.156 --> 00:31:00.624
Don Atari and All
and that creepy little Vip!
490
00:31:00.626 --> 00:31:02.786
I don't want any part of it!
Derek.
491
00:31:02.962 --> 00:31:04.082
Derek!
492
00:31:04.864 --> 00:31:07.030
Derek! D-rock!
493
00:31:32.258 --> 00:31:33.924
Derek Zoolander?
494
00:31:33.926 --> 00:31:35.058
Yes.
495
00:31:35.895 --> 00:31:37.961
Valentina Valencia.
496
00:31:37.963 --> 00:31:40.564
Interpol,
Global Fashion Division.
497
00:31:40.566 --> 00:31:43.934
Fashion Police? We're clean, lady.
Go harass somebody else.
498
00:31:43.936 --> 00:31:45.669
Besides,
I'm out of fashion.
499
00:31:46.472 --> 00:31:47.712
I need to talk to you.
500
00:31:49.141 --> 00:31:51.141
It has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.
501
00:31:51.143 --> 00:31:53.543
His death is not my problem.
502
00:31:53.545 --> 00:31:56.980
Look, I'm trying to find out who's
killing the pop stars of the world.
503
00:31:56.982 --> 00:31:59.022
And I think
you're my only chance.
504
00:32:00.152 --> 00:32:02.986
What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?
505
00:32:02.988 --> 00:32:04.068
None of it.
506
00:32:07.159 --> 00:32:09.559
So you did understand the part
about it not being my problem,
507
00:32:09.561 --> 00:32:12.441
or you didn't understand any part of
it not being a part of my problem?
508
00:32:13.399 --> 00:32:15.332
No, no, no, Derek.
509
00:32:15.334 --> 00:32:17.401
I think what she's saying is that
she understands what you're saying,
510
00:32:17.403 --> 00:32:18.669
but she doesn't accept it.
511
00:32:18.671 --> 00:32:20.470
Hansel!
It's all too confusing.
512
00:32:21.974 --> 00:32:23.407
I thought coming here
would help me find myself,
513
00:32:23.409 --> 00:32:25.509
and possibly my son.
514
00:32:25.511 --> 00:32:27.391
But this is more
than I bargained for.
515
00:32:29.148 --> 00:32:32.228
This hermit crab is crawling
back into his planetarium.
516
00:32:34.420 --> 00:32:37.487
I can use the database at Interpol
to help you find your son.
517
00:32:40.326 --> 00:32:41.725
If you help me.
518
00:32:44.396 --> 00:32:46.263
I think we got to
play ball with her.
519
00:32:46.265 --> 00:32:47.731
She's got some kind
of database
520
00:32:47.733 --> 00:32:49.967
or something
that she says
521
00:32:49.969 --> 00:32:51.249
will help us
find little Derek.
522
00:32:55.274 --> 00:32:56.606
And she's hot.
523
00:32:56.608 --> 00:32:57.608
I trust her.
524
00:33:26.638 --> 00:33:30.107
So, before Bieber died,
he Twitpic'd this look.
525
00:33:30.109 --> 00:33:32.429
He posted it to the blogspot
for his summer concert tour.
526
00:33:33.412 --> 00:33:35.112
He was trying
to send a message.
527
00:33:38.017 --> 00:33:39.616
It's Blue Steel, right?
528
00:33:41.620 --> 00:33:43.353
What are you,
a fucking idiot?
529
00:33:45.691 --> 00:33:48.759
Yeah, that's Blue Steel.
530
00:33:48.761 --> 00:33:51.328
My question is, is Interpol
one of those socialist things
531
00:33:51.330 --> 00:33:53.430
where they hire
mentally-impaired people?
532
00:33:53.432 --> 00:33:55.232
I... I know.
533
00:33:56.035 --> 00:33:57.434
That's right.
534
00:33:57.436 --> 00:33:59.556
I heard your mother
worked here.
535
00:33:59.605 --> 00:34:01.304
Oh, snap!
536
00:34:04.959 --> 00:34:07.079
My mother
doesn't work here.
537
00:34:07.546 --> 00:34:09.312
No more games, okay?
538
00:34:09.314 --> 00:34:11.114
Is this Blue Steel or not?
539
00:34:11.583 --> 00:34:13.717
Not even close.
540
00:34:13.719 --> 00:34:15.239
I knew what it was
the moment I saw it.
541
00:34:16.088 --> 00:34:17.521
It's an old one...
From the 90s.
542
00:34:17.523 --> 00:34:19.189
It was for a body lotion
campaign I did.
543
00:34:19.758 --> 00:34:21.324
I called it "Aqua Vitae".
544
00:35:02.601 --> 00:35:04.234
Young forever.
545
00:35:04.636 --> 00:35:06.736
Moo!
546
00:35:12.377 --> 00:35:13.777
Still holds up.
547
00:35:15.214 --> 00:35:17.214
Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.
548
00:35:17.216 --> 00:35:19.136
It's night and day
from Blue Steel.
549
00:35:19.218 --> 00:35:20.851
He's right.
550
00:35:20.853 --> 00:35:24.121
When I overlay them, there are over
14,000 different facial anomalies.
551
00:35:24.423 --> 00:35:26.256
Wow.
552
00:35:26.258 --> 00:35:28.792
I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.
553
00:35:30.896 --> 00:35:32.896
Please accept my apologies,
Derek.
554
00:35:33.432 --> 00:35:34.731
None taken.
555
00:35:43.742 --> 00:35:46.576
Whoa!
556
00:35:46.578 --> 00:35:48.898
Filippo, we need to find
everything there is on Aqua Vitae.
557
00:35:52.217 --> 00:35:54.417
Hold on a second, lady.
A deal's a deal.
558
00:35:55.754 --> 00:35:57.487
Now, you help me
find my son.
559
00:35:57.489 --> 00:35:59.189
Sure.
560
00:35:59.191 --> 00:36:00.790
His name is Derek Jr.?
561
00:36:00.792 --> 00:36:02.259
Yes.
562
00:36:02.261 --> 00:36:04.561
Have you ever Facebooked him?
563
00:36:04.563 --> 00:36:06.763
No, thanks.
Matilda facebooked...
564
00:36:07.566 --> 00:36:08.806
...and it killed her.
565
00:36:09.568 --> 00:36:10.934
Found him.
566
00:36:10.936 --> 00:36:13.370
He's at the Orphanage
Del Piccolo Cletusi.
567
00:36:14.806 --> 00:36:16.473
Here.
568
00:36:16.475 --> 00:36:17.475
In Rome.
569
00:36:18.277 --> 00:36:19.376
Wait. What?
570
00:36:20.412 --> 00:36:22.312
He's in Rome.
571
00:36:22.314 --> 00:36:24.794
That's convenient. So we can hit
that party at the IncrediBall.
572
00:36:25.484 --> 00:36:27.350
A little too convenient.
573
00:36:28.453 --> 00:36:30.453
Someone wants you here, guys.
574
00:36:30.455 --> 00:36:31.455
But who?
575
00:36:32.558 --> 00:36:34.191
Listen to me.
576
00:36:34.193 --> 00:36:35.659
Be careful
at the orphanage.
577
00:36:35.661 --> 00:36:37.460
And trust no one
at House of Atoz.
578
00:36:38.497 --> 00:36:39.829
I'll see what I can find.
579
00:37:08.627 --> 00:37:11.628
Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.
580
00:37:11.630 --> 00:37:14.297
Hey. You're showing up.
Feel good.
581
00:37:27.913 --> 00:37:28.878
That must be him.
582
00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:29.880
Where?
583
00:37:37.022 --> 00:37:39.322
He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.
584
00:37:41.260 --> 00:37:42.892
You're a lucky man.
585
00:37:44.529 --> 00:37:45.662
You there. Boy.
586
00:37:48.267 --> 00:37:50.187
What's his name?
Who?
587
00:37:50.769 --> 00:37:51.935
Him?
588
00:37:53.038 --> 00:37:54.638
That's Fabrizio.
589
00:37:55.007 --> 00:37:56.406
Fabrizio.
590
00:37:57.442 --> 00:37:58.808
What a beautiful name.
591
00:37:59.945 --> 00:38:02.746
He used to be
called Derek Jr.
592
00:38:02.748 --> 00:38:04.814
Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.
593
00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:16.293
Bye, mister.
594
00:38:17.596 --> 00:38:19.029
Let's go.
What?
595
00:38:19.031 --> 00:38:20.563
Let's go.
What? Why?
596
00:38:20.565 --> 00:38:21.665
I can't do this.
597
00:38:21.667 --> 00:38:23.033
Why not?
598
00:38:23.035 --> 00:38:26.736
He's fat!
The fat one is Derek Jr.
599
00:38:26.738 --> 00:38:28.872
No, that chubby kid's
name is Fatlander.
600
00:38:28.874 --> 00:38:30.607
I heard them call him that.
601
00:38:30.609 --> 00:38:32.909
Don't you get it?
He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat".
602
00:38:32.911 --> 00:38:36.346
That's how he came up with "Fatlander".
Fat equals Zoo!
603
00:38:36.348 --> 00:38:39.382
So wait. You're saying that just
because your son is fat
604
00:38:39.384 --> 00:38:41.665
that makes him some sort
of terrible person?
605
00:38:42.454 --> 00:38:43.720
Maybe you're right.
606
00:38:43.722 --> 00:38:45.422
No, I'm asking.
607
00:38:45.424 --> 00:38:47.891
Does being fat make someone
a terrible person?
608
00:38:47.893 --> 00:38:49.977
And I'm agreeing with you.
609
00:38:49.978 --> 00:38:52.259
I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.
610
00:38:56.368 --> 00:38:57.967
And it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.
611
00:38:57.969 --> 00:38:59.102
But I don't know
what to say.
612
00:38:59.104 --> 00:39:01.544
I think you better
puddle-talk it out.
613
00:39:14.353 --> 00:39:16.233
So I guess
I have a lot to ponder.
614
00:39:17.489 --> 00:39:18.988
You sure do.
615
00:39:18.990 --> 00:39:21.358
Derek.
616
00:39:21.927 --> 00:39:24.060
What? Who's that?
617
00:39:24.062 --> 00:39:25.102
I don't know.
It wasn't me.
618
00:39:25.864 --> 00:39:27.364
Derek.
619
00:39:27.666 --> 00:39:29.466
Derek.
620
00:39:30.836 --> 00:39:33.002
Ghost of Matilda?
Is that really you?
621
00:39:33.605 --> 00:39:35.572
Yes, Derek.
622
00:39:35.574 --> 00:39:39.376
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch,
but I've just been so dead.
623
00:39:39.845 --> 00:39:40.845
Listen.
624
00:39:41.546 --> 00:39:43.446
You must love our son.
625
00:39:43.782 --> 00:39:46.149
He needs you.
626
00:39:46.151 --> 00:39:48.618
But beware
of the Headmaster.
627
00:39:49.755 --> 00:39:50.820
What's happening to you?
628
00:39:51.423 --> 00:39:52.956
Love our son.
629
00:39:53.825 --> 00:39:56.793
Ew!
And beware the Headmaster.
630
00:39:58.163 --> 00:39:59.596
Hello.
631
00:40:00.866 --> 00:40:01.965
I'm the Headmaster.
632
00:40:02.801 --> 00:40:04.667
Derek Zoolander...
633
00:40:05.437 --> 00:40:07.103
...I'm assuming.
634
00:40:07.105 --> 00:40:10.807
Because I've never
met you ever.
635
00:40:10.809 --> 00:40:13.710
Mr. Hansel informs me
that you'd like to see your son.
636
00:40:14.579 --> 00:40:16.579
Easily arranged. Come.
637
00:40:21.620 --> 00:40:25.060
I should tell you,
your son is incredibly gifted.
638
00:40:25.490 --> 00:40:27.891
Hello.
639
00:40:27.893 --> 00:40:30.527
If you want to find
the Spirits in the Material World,
640
00:40:30.529 --> 00:40:33.163
you need to talk
to the Ghost in the Machine.
641
00:40:33.165 --> 00:40:35.098
What? Who is this?
642
00:40:35.100 --> 00:40:37.133
I have a Message
in a Bottle for you,
643
00:40:37.135 --> 00:40:41.104
so don't go to The Police.
644
00:40:41.106 --> 00:40:44.707
Okay, don't go to the police
'cause there's a message in a bottle.
645
00:40:44.709 --> 00:40:47.143
Okay, I got it.
646
00:40:47.145 --> 00:40:49.446
Now go prank call
someone else, idiot.
647
00:40:49.948 --> 00:40:51.214
Here they are now.
648
00:40:57.722 --> 00:40:59.589
Hey, there, sport.
649
00:41:01.193 --> 00:41:03.313
I hear someone's
a fat little smartypants.
650
00:41:07.098 --> 00:41:08.531
I'll leave you to it, then.
651
00:41:09.734 --> 00:41:11.100
I'm gonna let
you two catch up
652
00:41:11.102 --> 00:41:12.702
and maybe hit the spa
back at the Caca.
653
00:41:15.974 --> 00:41:18.808
Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,
654
00:41:18.810 --> 00:41:20.844
but I'm still your father.
655
00:41:20.846 --> 00:41:23.813
You're not my father.
You weren't there.
656
00:41:23.815 --> 00:41:27.150
That wasn't my choice.
I was there when you were little.
657
00:41:27.152 --> 00:41:30.086
Most kids play
catch with their father.
658
00:41:30.088 --> 00:41:33.223
They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.
659
00:41:33.225 --> 00:41:35.024
There are lots of
starving children in Africa
660
00:41:35.026 --> 00:41:36.826
who would die to
go to a thong shoot.
661
00:41:37.229 --> 00:41:38.229
What?
662
00:41:39.197 --> 00:41:41.064
Look, let me
make it up to you.
663
00:41:41.066 --> 00:41:42.499
Let's go play
ball-catching now.
664
00:41:42.868 --> 00:41:44.567
Ball-catching?
665
00:41:44.569 --> 00:41:46.369
So how's the family
reunion going?
666
00:41:47.272 --> 00:41:49.205
Great. I'd like
to check him out
667
00:41:49.207 --> 00:41:51.074
for a few hours,
if that's okay.
668
00:41:51.076 --> 00:41:53.877
Sure. As long as
he's back by sundown.
669
00:41:55.580 --> 00:41:57.547
He seems like a nice guy.
670
00:41:57.549 --> 00:41:58.915
You seem like an idiot.
671
00:42:00.585 --> 00:42:02.519
Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.
672
00:42:02.988 --> 00:42:04.108
What?
673
00:42:05.156 --> 00:42:07.190
Frozen chocolata gelato!
674
00:42:19.738 --> 00:42:20.858
Ciao!
675
00:42:35.887 --> 00:42:37.887
Oh, my God!
676
00:42:48.166 --> 00:42:49.966
Hashtag, oops.
677
00:42:53.271 --> 00:42:56.906
You know, sometimes it takes an
extremely traumatic experience
678
00:42:56.908 --> 00:42:58.942
to make you appreciate
a good makeover.
679
00:42:58.944 --> 00:43:00.143
Am I right?
680
00:43:01.980 --> 00:43:03.046
Derek?
681
00:43:05.717 --> 00:43:07.050
Derek Jr.!
682
00:43:13.992 --> 00:43:16.326
Are you mentally insane?
What?
683
00:43:16.328 --> 00:43:19.862
What are you reading?
I Am Malalalala?
684
00:43:19.864 --> 00:43:21.864
No books!
Think of your mother.
685
00:43:23.335 --> 00:43:26.135
What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.
686
00:43:26.137 --> 00:43:28.337
And a one-ton book
killed her.
687
00:43:29.608 --> 00:43:32.141
The book didn't kill Mom.
You did.
688
00:43:32.143 --> 00:43:33.843
And you nearly
killed me, too.
689
00:43:35.113 --> 00:43:38.915
Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.
690
00:43:38.917 --> 00:43:41.050
What, okay, maybe your
pants are a little loose.
691
00:43:41.052 --> 00:43:43.219
Are you serious right now?
What?
692
00:43:43.221 --> 00:43:45.888
I don't want to be
anything like you!
693
00:43:45.890 --> 00:43:46.889
You're a has-been!
694
00:43:46.891 --> 00:43:50.693
And you are
the most narcissistic,
695
00:43:50.695 --> 00:43:52.929
self-involved person
I've ever met!
696
00:43:54.232 --> 00:43:56.552
But that's not
how I think of me.
697
00:43:57.002 --> 00:43:58.067
I'm going back to school.
698
00:43:59.704 --> 00:44:02.071
Little Derek,
come back here!
699
00:44:02.073 --> 00:44:04.107
I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!
700
00:44:10.215 --> 00:44:11.215
Wait.
701
00:44:12.951 --> 00:44:14.350
How did you learn
to speak Italian?
702
00:44:14.352 --> 00:44:15.552
Because I'm smart!
703
00:44:17.055 --> 00:44:19.122
Mom was smart, too.
704
00:44:19.124 --> 00:44:21.157
The only stupid thing
she ever did
705
00:44:21.159 --> 00:44:22.425
was fall in love with you.
706
00:44:24.763 --> 00:44:27.397
I don't even have the words to
express what a burn that is.
707
00:44:29.367 --> 00:44:32.669
I don't know
what to say.
708
00:44:32.671 --> 00:44:35.738
No, I mean I literally don't
have the vocabulary to respond.
709
00:44:35.740 --> 00:44:37.674
You're like
a walking Tyrannosaurus.
710
00:44:38.810 --> 00:44:40.810
You mean "walking thesaurus".
711
00:44:42.013 --> 00:44:43.212
I don't know.
712
00:44:44.983 --> 00:44:47.950
I guess it's nice that you
want to reconnect or whatever.
713
00:44:47.952 --> 00:44:49.318
But we're too different.
714
00:44:49.320 --> 00:44:50.720
And it's too late.
715
00:44:52.691 --> 00:44:54.023
Thanks for the gelato.
716
00:45:12.410 --> 00:45:13.843
Orgy.
717
00:45:16.815 --> 00:45:18.715
Hi there, Hansel.
718
00:45:25.924 --> 00:45:28.257
I heard you
719
00:45:29.060 --> 00:45:30.860
are on the rebound.
720
00:45:30.862 --> 00:45:33.730
No, no. I'm still...
Still committed.
721
00:45:33.732 --> 00:45:36.799
We're just taking
a little time to kind of...
722
00:45:36.801 --> 00:45:39.168
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.
723
00:45:39.971 --> 00:45:41.404
Oh, damn it.
724
00:45:42.440 --> 00:45:43.840
Hansel.
725
00:45:43.842 --> 00:45:48.277
Meaningless sex always makes
me feel better about myself.
726
00:45:51.816 --> 00:45:53.282
Come on.
727
00:45:59.290 --> 00:46:00.757
Ooh.
728
00:46:17.041 --> 00:46:19.408
Hansel!
729
00:46:19.410 --> 00:46:20.810
We know you're in there!
730
00:46:20.812 --> 00:46:21.852
Stay here. Stay here.
731
00:46:23.214 --> 00:46:25.314
Hansel, let us in!
We want to apologize!
732
00:46:26.851 --> 00:46:29.285
Come back to the pigpile,
Hansel.
733
00:46:29.287 --> 00:46:32.922
Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.
734
00:46:32.924 --> 00:46:34.557
That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.
735
00:46:34.559 --> 00:46:36.826
Back! Back!
736
00:46:40.932 --> 00:46:42.231
Hello! Hello!
737
00:46:42.233 --> 00:46:43.233
Ah.
738
00:46:43.535 --> 00:46:44.967
My gosh.
739
00:46:44.969 --> 00:46:46.869
God...
Ow!
740
00:46:59.017 --> 00:47:00.883
Oh, Hansel.
741
00:47:00.885 --> 00:47:03.085
Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.
742
00:47:03.087 --> 00:47:04.587
That's a good idea.
Yeah, go.
743
00:47:04.589 --> 00:47:06.255
Hey...
744
00:47:06.257 --> 00:47:07.990
You are a basic bitch.
745
00:47:09.294 --> 00:47:11.928
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Out.
746
00:47:12.397 --> 00:47:13.529
I can kill you.
747
00:47:16.367 --> 00:47:19.035
Please.
Let me just explain.
748
00:47:19.037 --> 00:47:22.104
Guys, you didn't even give
me a chance to explain!
749
00:47:22.106 --> 00:47:24.273
Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 people
750
00:47:25.276 --> 00:47:27.076
when you don't even
love yourself?
751
00:47:31.115 --> 00:47:32.882
I hope they were worth it.
752
00:47:34.519 --> 00:47:35.918
That's not fair.
753
00:47:36.387 --> 00:47:37.520
Kiefer!
754
00:47:38.456 --> 00:47:40.156
Kiefer!
755
00:47:43.027 --> 00:47:45.528
Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.
756
00:47:51.236 --> 00:47:53.436
Who am I?
757
00:47:56.507 --> 00:47:57.940
Who am I?
758
00:48:00.912 --> 00:48:03.279
Derek?
Hey, Hansel.
759
00:48:03.281 --> 00:48:05.281
Are you trying to figure out
who you are, also?
760
00:48:05.316 --> 00:48:06.316
Yep.
761
00:48:07.118 --> 00:48:10.286
♪ Who am I? ♪
762
00:48:12.156 --> 00:48:14.290
Hey, Katy!
763
00:48:14.292 --> 00:48:17.193
Yeah, it's like, when will we
find out who we really are?
764
00:48:17.595 --> 00:48:18.595
I know, right?
765
00:48:19.063 --> 00:48:20.229
Who am I?
766
00:48:21.099 --> 00:48:23.466
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
767
00:48:23.468 --> 00:48:25.268
Even you don't
know who you are?
768
00:48:25.403 --> 00:48:27.670
In an ever-expanding universe,
769
00:48:27.672 --> 00:48:31.540
slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,
770
00:48:31.542 --> 00:48:35.444
what use does the question
"Who am I?" even have?
771
00:48:37.482 --> 00:48:40.682
Neil, I got to say, you're totally
blowing my mind right now.
772
00:48:41.352 --> 00:48:43.152
That's what I do.
773
00:48:43.154 --> 00:48:45.521
I'm Neil
deGrasse Tyson, bitch.
774
00:48:46.124 --> 00:48:47.990
Whoo!
775
00:48:47.992 --> 00:48:51.027
Hansel! Derek!
You have to come to Interpol!
776
00:48:51.029 --> 00:48:53.462
I have incredible news!
777
00:48:53.464 --> 00:48:56.365
We did a full diagnostic
on your Aqua Vitae look,
778
00:48:56.367 --> 00:48:59.135
and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.
779
00:48:59.137 --> 00:49:01.537
The direct translation
is "Water of Life."
780
00:49:01.539 --> 00:49:03.706
But many have
interpreted it another way.
781
00:49:05.576 --> 00:49:07.376
"The Fountain of Youth".
782
00:49:08.646 --> 00:49:11.147
Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.
783
00:49:11.149 --> 00:49:14.050
And, no, they don't
give happy endings.
784
00:49:14.052 --> 00:49:16.352
No, Derek.
The actual Fountain of Youth.
785
00:49:18.656 --> 00:49:24.160
Can you imagine if the Fountain
of Youth indeed does exist...
786
00:49:24.162 --> 00:49:27.229
And if Alexanya Atoz
could market such a liquid...
787
00:49:28.433 --> 00:49:30.700
Do you ever
get that feeling
788
00:49:30.702 --> 00:49:34.337
when you see beautiful teenager
girl with perfect skin
789
00:49:34.339 --> 00:49:37.473
and you want to kill her
and take her skin
790
00:49:37.475 --> 00:49:39.475
and put it on your skin?
791
00:49:39.477 --> 00:49:41.410
We bottled that feeling.
792
00:49:41.412 --> 00:49:43.646
House of Atoz Yowth Milk.
793
00:49:45.083 --> 00:49:46.415
...she would make billions.
794
00:49:48.553 --> 00:49:49.793
Excuse me.
795
00:49:51.990 --> 00:49:53.389
Orgy?
796
00:49:53.391 --> 00:49:55.231
You are in serious danger.
797
00:49:55.727 --> 00:49:58.127
Don't Stand
So Close To Me.
798
00:49:58.129 --> 00:50:00.329
Come on.
It's this prank caller again.
799
00:50:00.331 --> 00:50:01.597
Put it on speaker.
What... Why?
800
00:50:01.599 --> 00:50:03.132
Just put it
on speaker!
801
00:50:03.701 --> 00:50:05.334
Who is this?
802
00:50:05.336 --> 00:50:08.270
I am your King of Pain.
803
00:50:08.272 --> 00:50:11.152
Every breath this guy takes, I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"
804
00:50:11.609 --> 00:50:13.442
Oh, Jesus.
805
00:50:13.443 --> 00:50:16.123
Just meet me at Saint Peter's
Basilica at midnight.
806
00:50:18.116 --> 00:50:20.436
Sounds like this guy's
really into Sting.
807
00:50:21.052 --> 00:50:23.452
I model my life after Sting.
808
00:50:23.454 --> 00:50:25.488
And Bieber was killed
in front of Sting's villa.
809
00:50:26.657 --> 00:50:27.723
What?
810
00:51:13.404 --> 00:51:14.670
Forgive me, Father.
811
00:51:14.672 --> 00:51:16.552
I have many sins
that I would like to confess.
812
00:51:18.176 --> 00:51:20.496
One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.
813
00:51:29.687 --> 00:51:30.820
No way.
814
00:51:32.290 --> 00:51:33.530
Hey, Derek.
815
00:51:33.858 --> 00:51:34.858
Hey, Sting.
816
00:51:36.094 --> 00:51:37.626
And hello, sweet Hansel.
817
00:51:38.529 --> 00:51:39.728
Hi.
818
00:51:40.565 --> 00:51:41.764
You two know each other?
819
00:51:42.667 --> 00:51:44.633
Sadly, we've never met.
820
00:51:44.635 --> 00:51:47.035
And yet I feel like
I've known you...
821
00:51:47.205 --> 00:51:49.171
...my entire life.
822
00:51:51.476 --> 00:51:52.556
Tell me.
823
00:51:53.744 --> 00:51:56.345
Have you heard of
the Fountain of Youth?
824
00:51:56.347 --> 00:52:00.249
Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?
825
00:52:00.251 --> 00:52:02.651
No, Derek, not the hand job
joint you worked at in SoHo.
826
00:52:02.653 --> 00:52:03.893
The real Fountain of Youth.
827
00:52:05.289 --> 00:52:08.858
It dates back
some 6,000 years.
828
00:52:08.860 --> 00:52:14.330
Its original location is thought
to have been the Garden of Eden.
829
00:52:14.332 --> 00:52:17.733
You mean the Turkish bathhouse
I used to work at in Tribeca?
830
00:52:19.770 --> 00:52:22.505
No, Derek.
The Garden of Eden.
831
00:52:24.742 --> 00:52:26.842
The birthplace
of Adam and Eve
832
00:52:28.279 --> 00:52:29.678
and Steve.
833
00:52:32.783 --> 00:52:34.583
Steve? Who's Steve?
834
00:52:36.287 --> 00:52:38.454
Steve is
the original supermodel.
835
00:52:38.456 --> 00:52:40.422
The first of the purebloods.
836
00:52:40.424 --> 00:52:42.291
He was said
to be so beautiful,
837
00:52:42.293 --> 00:52:44.460
with a look so powerful...
838
00:52:44.462 --> 00:52:46.629
...that even the pools
of water he gazed upon
839
00:52:46.631 --> 00:52:48.631
could not reflect
his beauty back to him.
840
00:52:49.834 --> 00:52:50.834
That look...
841
00:52:51.769 --> 00:52:54.737
That look was
called "El Nino".
842
00:52:56.607 --> 00:52:59.575
But, honestly,
I've never heard of Steve.
843
00:53:00.745 --> 00:53:02.711
Countless lives
throughout history
844
00:53:02.713 --> 00:53:03.712
have been lost
to make sure of that.
845
00:53:03.714 --> 00:53:08.551
Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.
846
00:53:10.254 --> 00:53:12.421
For the legend states
847
00:53:12.423 --> 00:53:15.291
that if you wrench
the still-beating heart
848
00:53:15.293 --> 00:53:18.260
from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of Steve
849
00:53:18.262 --> 00:53:20.329
and drink its blood,
850
00:53:20.331 --> 00:53:23.299
you will obtain
eternal beauty.
851
00:53:25.336 --> 00:53:27.469
So the Fountain of Youth
is not a fountain at all.
852
00:53:28.439 --> 00:53:29.805
The Fountain of Youth is...
853
00:53:29.807 --> 00:53:31.207
A person.
854
00:53:31.209 --> 00:53:32.289
And not just anyone.
855
00:53:32.977 --> 00:53:34.677
A direct descendent of Steve.
856
00:53:35.379 --> 00:53:36.419
The Chosen One.
857
00:53:37.415 --> 00:53:39.582
How do you know all this?
858
00:53:39.584 --> 00:53:42.785
Because I, and many rock stars like me,
are his protectors.
859
00:53:44.422 --> 00:53:46.655
You see,
there are only a few genes
860
00:53:46.657 --> 00:53:50.559
that separate the greatest rock stars
in history from male models.
861
00:53:50.561 --> 00:53:52.828
Which genes are those?
862
00:53:52.830 --> 00:53:54.763
The ones for talent
and intelligence.
863
00:53:55.333 --> 00:53:57.333
Of course.
864
00:53:57.335 --> 00:53:59.335
We were entrusted
to protect the Chosen Ones.
865
00:54:00.538 --> 00:54:02.338
But who is the Chosen One?
866
00:54:02.340 --> 00:54:04.707
We believe it is your son.
867
00:54:06.344 --> 00:54:08.344
And that he is
in grave danger.
868
00:54:09.347 --> 00:54:11.113
But he's back at the school!
869
00:54:11.114 --> 00:54:12.880
We have to get to him before
something terrible happens to him!
870
00:54:12.883 --> 00:54:15.684
No. Wait.
Hansel. Look into my eyes.
871
00:54:17.588 --> 00:54:19.355
Is there anything
you want to ask me?
872
00:54:19.357 --> 00:54:20.623
Anything at all?
873
00:54:23.661 --> 00:54:25.861
Do you really have sex
for ten hours?
874
00:54:28.599 --> 00:54:29.639
No comment.
875
00:54:30.468 --> 00:54:31.668
Fifteen.
876
00:54:34.372 --> 00:54:36.338
Farewell, my handsome boy.
877
00:54:36.340 --> 00:54:38.700
Farewell.
Good-bye, Sting.
878
00:54:52.690 --> 00:54:54.010
Bolt cutters!
879
00:55:04.669 --> 00:55:06.302
He's gone!
880
00:55:08.739 --> 00:55:10.819
It's like
no one was ever here.
881
00:55:12.977 --> 00:55:14.043
It was a wig.
882
00:55:14.045 --> 00:55:15.678
What?
883
00:55:15.680 --> 00:55:17.479
It was a wig
the whole time.
884
00:55:17.481 --> 00:55:19.081
That was a wig?
885
00:55:19.083 --> 00:55:21.717
That Headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!
886
00:55:21.719 --> 00:55:22.719
No!
887
00:55:23.387 --> 00:55:26.422
No! No! No!
888
00:55:26.424 --> 00:55:27.723
Derek!
889
00:55:27.725 --> 00:55:29.058
Derek, relax!
890
00:55:35.533 --> 00:55:36.732
Don't do it.
891
00:55:37.802 --> 00:55:39.601
When you want to go to it.
892
00:55:46.644 --> 00:55:48.010
Filippo.
Si.
893
00:55:48.012 --> 00:55:49.812
I need you to pull up
everything you have
894
00:55:49.814 --> 00:55:51.947
on the man who was arrested
back in 2001
895
00:55:51.949 --> 00:55:53.649
for brainwashing Zoolander.
896
00:55:53.651 --> 00:55:55.818
Facial scans
to be cross-referenced
897
00:55:55.820 --> 00:55:58.380
with security footage of the
headmaster of the orphanage.
898
00:56:01.425 --> 00:56:03.025
It's a positive I.D.
899
00:56:04.729 --> 00:56:07.029
The Headmaster
didn't have a name or papers.
900
00:56:07.031 --> 00:56:08.564
Oh, my God.
901
00:56:08.566 --> 00:56:10.966
It's the evil
breakdancing DJ.
902
00:56:10.968 --> 00:56:13.902
He was arrested with Mugatu and
his accomplice back in 2001.
903
00:56:15.139 --> 00:56:17.906
It's Katinka
Ingaborgovinananananana.
904
00:56:17.908 --> 00:56:20.242
Where are they now?
905
00:56:20.243 --> 00:56:22.577
Ingaborgovinanananana
disappeared off the grid.
906
00:56:22.580 --> 00:56:24.880
It looks like the Evil DJ
came through the Swiss border
907
00:56:24.882 --> 00:56:27.015
with forged papers
about three weeks ago.
908
00:56:28.119 --> 00:56:30.686
I suppose they could have...
909
00:56:30.688 --> 00:56:32.921
Driven to Rome
and kidnapped Derek's son.
910
00:56:33.157 --> 00:56:34.857
Exactly!
911
00:56:34.859 --> 00:56:37.393
Which means the person
behind all of this is...
912
00:56:46.737 --> 00:56:47.936
Who?
913
00:56:50.408 --> 00:56:51.540
Who?
914
00:56:52.476 --> 00:56:53.809
Who are we talking about?
915
00:57:06.824 --> 00:57:08.424
Mugatu's in there.
916
00:57:09.527 --> 00:57:11.560
For ten years,
there has only been one name
917
00:57:11.562 --> 00:57:13.695
on the list of visitors
that he will allow.
918
00:57:16.534 --> 00:57:17.733
Thank you.
919
00:57:19.136 --> 00:57:20.336
For what?
920
00:57:20.738 --> 00:57:21.858
For helping us.
921
00:57:26.177 --> 00:57:29.878
When I was a little girl
growing up in Albacete,
922
00:57:29.880 --> 00:57:33.582
my room was covered in
pictures of Derek Zoolander.
923
00:57:36.487 --> 00:57:39.188
The most amazing model alive.
924
00:57:42.860 --> 00:57:44.793
Except I'm not one anymore.
925
00:57:46.030 --> 00:57:47.990
My son called me
a has-been.
926
00:57:50.100 --> 00:57:51.600
I'm a has-been.
927
00:57:53.504 --> 00:57:55.504
What kind of has-been
were you?
928
00:57:59.543 --> 00:58:02.177
I was a swimsuit model.
929
00:58:02.179 --> 00:58:03.979
I'm so sorry.
My heart goes out to you.
930
00:58:05.516 --> 00:58:09.251
I was never able to transition
to print or runway.
931
00:58:10.521 --> 00:58:12.802
To your world
of high fashion.
932
00:58:13.491 --> 00:58:14.756
Because of these.
933
00:58:16.227 --> 00:58:20.095
These intrusive,
oversized naturals.
934
00:58:23.167 --> 00:58:25.968
These things could never fit
into a sample size.
935
00:58:27.137 --> 00:58:28.570
Gross.
936
00:58:34.512 --> 00:58:36.044
You need to go for this now...
937
00:58:36.046 --> 00:58:38.514
Not later. Now.
938
00:58:38.516 --> 00:58:40.082
Hansel, are you serious?
Yes.
939
00:58:40.084 --> 00:58:42.684
While Matilda lies
warm in her grave?
940
00:58:42.686 --> 00:58:45.621
Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.
941
00:58:45.623 --> 00:58:47.956
Honestly, by now
she's just a couple of teeth.
942
00:58:47.958 --> 00:58:50.526
A piece of spine.
943
00:58:50.527 --> 00:58:53.095
Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from Tales from the Crypt.
944
00:58:53.097 --> 00:58:54.963
The Crypt Keeper.
945
00:58:54.965 --> 00:58:57.566
Hansel, stop it!
I'm not ready.
946
00:59:15.586 --> 00:59:18.587
The world's most
notorious fashion criminals are in there.
947
00:59:20.057 --> 00:59:24.126
Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get inside your head.
948
00:59:24.128 --> 00:59:27.262
Don't worry.
It's closed for business.
949
00:59:35.105 --> 00:59:36.939
Give 'em hell, Derek.
950
00:59:53.724 --> 00:59:55.090
You're goin' down, Zoolander!
951
00:59:55.092 --> 00:59:56.725
You're goin' down,
listen to me!
952
00:59:56.727 --> 00:59:59.995
You better listen to the Hammer!
Can't touch this!
953
00:59:59.997 --> 01:00:03.298
No! No! Zoolander
can't touch Mugatu! No!
954
01:00:04.635 --> 01:00:06.395
Shut up, Hammer!
955
01:00:07.104 --> 01:00:10.172
Members Only. Members Only.
956
01:00:11.241 --> 01:00:13.609
Epaulettes are not a crime.
957
01:00:14.244 --> 01:00:17.879
Smart casual. Smart casual.
958
01:00:17.881 --> 01:00:19.815
You can't touch him!
959
01:00:19.817 --> 01:00:22.284
Mr. Hammer is wrong!
960
01:00:47.011 --> 01:00:49.845
Derek Zoolander.
961
01:00:52.683 --> 01:00:54.316
I've been expecting you.
962
01:01:01.158 --> 01:01:02.998
What have you done
with my son?
963
01:01:04.094 --> 01:01:06.128
Hands.
964
01:01:06.130 --> 01:01:08.263
Our most
overrated appendage.
965
01:01:09.967 --> 01:01:12.267
When not allowed
the use of them,
966
01:01:12.269 --> 01:01:14.136
you'd be surprised how quickly
967
01:01:14.138 --> 01:01:16.218
feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.
968
01:01:25.916 --> 01:01:28.350
Your son
is doing wonderfully.
969
01:01:30.120 --> 01:01:33.388
From what the school tells
my offshore accountant...
970
01:01:33.390 --> 01:01:35.090
He's incredibly smart.
971
01:01:35.793 --> 01:01:37.959
Your accountant?
972
01:01:37.961 --> 01:01:40.729
Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?
973
01:01:40.731 --> 01:01:42.548
When he was taken away
from you,
974
01:01:42.549 --> 01:01:44.949
someone had to make sure
he got his eight square meals a day.
975
01:01:45.069 --> 01:01:47.436
Eight? You bastard!
976
01:01:52.876 --> 01:01:56.144
I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,
977
01:01:56.146 --> 01:01:58.180
but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.
978
01:02:00.851 --> 01:02:02.818
I'd ask you
to scratch it for me,
979
01:02:02.820 --> 01:02:05.420
but no doubt you'd think I
was just trying to trick you.
980
01:02:10.427 --> 01:02:14.429
Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.
981
01:02:14.431 --> 01:02:19.401
In which case, I should do the opposite
of that and help you.
982
01:02:20.471 --> 01:02:22.904
Or don't help me.
983
01:02:22.906 --> 01:02:24.786
I think that's even
a better option.
984
01:02:28.345 --> 01:02:31.305
You're trying to switch it around on me,
but I won't take the bait.
985
01:02:31.482 --> 01:02:33.348
Sorry, Mugatu.
986
01:02:33.350 --> 01:02:34.950
I'm going with
my first instinct.
987
01:02:34.952 --> 01:02:36.017
And helping you.
988
01:02:40.190 --> 01:02:41.990
I really wish you wouldn't.
989
01:02:41.992 --> 01:02:44.960
Too late. The die is cast.
990
01:02:44.962 --> 01:02:46.261
I'd prefer that you didn't.
991
01:02:46.263 --> 01:02:47.429
I'm going to do it.
992
01:02:47.431 --> 01:02:48.530
Please don't.
993
01:02:57.307 --> 01:02:59.775
Let me go!
994
01:02:59.777 --> 01:03:03.011
Not until you untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?
995
01:03:04.414 --> 01:03:06.281
If I do,
will you let me go?
996
01:03:07.151 --> 01:03:08.416
No!
997
01:03:09.953 --> 01:03:11.953
Which means you
will let me go.
998
01:03:11.955 --> 01:03:13.188
So I'll do it.
999
01:03:13.957 --> 01:03:15.190
Oh, my gosh.
1000
01:03:15.192 --> 01:03:16.258
Okay!
1001
01:03:18.128 --> 01:03:20.929
Check and mate, Mugatu.
1002
01:03:22.032 --> 01:03:23.331
Your move.
1003
01:03:26.003 --> 01:03:28.837
You really are an idiot,
aren't you?
1004
01:03:28.839 --> 01:03:33.809
Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.
1005
01:03:36.013 --> 01:03:39.381
For ten long years...
1006
01:03:39.383 --> 01:03:43.518
I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.
1007
01:03:43.520 --> 01:03:47.189
For ten long years.
For ten long years.
1008
01:03:47.191 --> 01:03:51.159
Ten years spent creating some of the
most realistic and lifelike masks...
1009
01:03:51.995 --> 01:03:53.128
...ever made.
1010
01:03:55.098 --> 01:03:56.338
One for you.
1011
01:03:59.570 --> 01:04:01.303
And one for me.
1012
01:04:04.308 --> 01:04:05.348
All so that today...
1013
01:04:06.476 --> 01:04:08.610
...you can become me!
1014
01:04:11.315 --> 01:04:13.048
And I can become...
1015
01:04:14.284 --> 01:04:15.383
...you!
1016
01:04:21.525 --> 01:04:23.592
That's it?
1017
01:04:23.594 --> 01:04:25.954
You'll never get
away with this.
1018
01:04:27.898 --> 01:04:30.398
All of the guards here
are former male models.
1019
01:04:30.400 --> 01:04:32.868
Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.
1020
01:04:32.870 --> 01:04:36.004
Guard! Guard!
1021
01:04:36.006 --> 01:04:37.873
Will that be all,
Mr. Zoolander?
1022
01:04:37.875 --> 01:04:39.140
That will be all.
1023
01:04:39.977 --> 01:04:41.217
No!
1024
01:04:41.612 --> 01:04:42.944
No!
1025
01:04:44.348 --> 01:04:46.248
Come back here, Mugatu!
1026
01:04:46.250 --> 01:04:47.549
Mugatu!
1027
01:05:28.425 --> 01:05:29.457
Go get Derek!
1028
01:05:29.459 --> 01:05:30.592
What?
1029
01:05:30.594 --> 01:05:32.260
Go get Derek!
1030
01:05:32.262 --> 01:05:34.195
And tell my orgy
I love them!
1031
01:05:40.103 --> 01:05:41.103
Todd!
1032
01:05:43.540 --> 01:05:46.007
Where's my goddamn latte?
1033
01:06:11.201 --> 01:06:14.069
Oh, and, um, here.
1034
01:06:19.643 --> 01:06:21.276
What's that?
1035
01:06:21.278 --> 01:06:23.378
I missed you, too.
1036
01:07:05.155 --> 01:07:06.588
Alexanya!
1037
01:07:08.525 --> 01:07:09.691
Moo-Moo!
1038
01:07:37.754 --> 01:07:38.620
Alexanya!
1039
01:07:38.621 --> 01:07:39.487
Oh, no.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
1040
01:07:39.489 --> 01:07:40.555
What?
1041
01:07:41.625 --> 01:07:43.758
Don Atari,
what are you doing here?
1042
01:07:43.760 --> 01:07:44.793
Don't you knuck?
1043
01:07:45.629 --> 01:07:49.631
Mugatu? What? No way, dude.
1044
01:07:49.633 --> 01:07:52.133
I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.
1045
01:07:52.135 --> 01:07:54.235
You're like some
dangerous criminal
1046
01:07:54.237 --> 01:07:55.470
that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.
1047
01:07:55.472 --> 01:07:58.339
That was some crazy
retro-Bond shit.
1048
01:07:58.341 --> 01:08:00.075
So corny. I loved it.
1049
01:08:01.545 --> 01:08:03.678
Who are you?
1050
01:08:03.680 --> 01:08:07.615
Uh, hello! I know you been
all Shawshanked out,
1051
01:08:07.617 --> 01:08:10.085
but, like, seriously, I'm the new
stupid king of fashion, whatever.
1052
01:08:10.087 --> 01:08:11.319
Don Atari, baby.
1053
01:08:11.788 --> 01:08:14.155
What!
1054
01:08:14.157 --> 01:08:16.438
So you know
who I am, right?
1055
01:08:17.394 --> 01:08:19.461
Derelicte was the dumbest,
dude.
1056
01:08:19.463 --> 01:08:23.231
You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like,
my biggest influences ever, dude.
1057
01:08:23.233 --> 01:08:24.866
And did you just
escape from prison
1058
01:08:24.868 --> 01:08:26.868
in the most
ingenious way possible?
1059
01:08:27.838 --> 01:08:29.838
Uh, what?
1060
01:08:29.840 --> 01:08:31.739
And did you engineer
the abduction
1061
01:08:31.741 --> 01:08:34.142
and fattening of
the son of Zoolander,
1062
01:08:34.144 --> 01:08:36.878
and delivery of the Chosen
One for ritual sacrifice
1063
01:08:36.880 --> 01:08:39.000
as the key to
the Fountain of Youth?
1064
01:08:39.249 --> 01:08:40.449
Did you?
1065
01:08:41.585 --> 01:08:43.384
Did you? Did you do that?
1066
01:08:43.386 --> 01:08:44.706
Naw.
Naw?
1067
01:08:45.122 --> 01:08:46.521
Naw.
1068
01:08:46.523 --> 01:08:47.889
Naw?
Naw.
1069
01:08:47.891 --> 01:08:49.357
Did you say "naw"?
1070
01:08:49.359 --> 01:08:52.127
I... I said... "naw".
1071
01:08:53.196 --> 01:08:55.797
So, I just want
to ask you again.
1072
01:08:56.500 --> 01:09:00.301
Do you know
1073
01:09:00.904 --> 01:09:04.539
who I am?
1074
01:09:06.443 --> 01:09:07.542
Whatever, you're...
1075
01:09:09.913 --> 01:09:11.479
I'm Jaca-boo-who?
1076
01:09:12.149 --> 01:09:13.515
Jacobim Mugatu.
1077
01:09:13.517 --> 01:09:14.716
That's right!
1078
01:09:14.718 --> 01:09:16.451
I'm Jacobim Mugatu!
1079
01:09:16.453 --> 01:09:18.253
Fashion genius.
1080
01:09:18.255 --> 01:09:19.487
And you...
1081
01:09:20.157 --> 01:09:22.290
You are no one!
1082
01:09:22.292 --> 01:09:23.532
Do you understand me?
1083
01:09:24.327 --> 01:09:25.527
No one!
1084
01:09:26.263 --> 01:09:27.896
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!
1085
01:09:28.932 --> 01:09:30.899
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!
1086
01:09:32.235 --> 01:09:33.334
Todd!
1087
01:09:37.941 --> 01:09:40.875
You'll take my name
into death!
1088
01:09:40.877 --> 01:09:42.277
You should know, I actually
care about everybody
1089
01:09:42.279 --> 01:09:43.444
and everything very truly...
1090
01:09:45.615 --> 01:09:48.216
That's right!
I just killed a little hipster!
1091
01:09:48.418 --> 01:09:49.817
Yeah!
1092
01:09:49.819 --> 01:09:52.420
Prison changed me deeply!
1093
01:09:52.422 --> 01:09:54.289
It affected me
psychologically.
1094
01:09:54.291 --> 01:09:55.790
I'm a psycho!
1095
01:09:57.294 --> 01:09:59.694
This is just the beginning.
Watch out!
1096
01:10:00.330 --> 01:10:02.931
Buyer beware!
1097
01:10:02.933 --> 01:10:04.933
Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?
1098
01:10:07.971 --> 01:10:09.737
Hansel!
1099
01:10:09.739 --> 01:10:11.706
Guys, Mugatz
just killed Atari.
1100
01:10:11.708 --> 01:10:13.541
For serious?
1101
01:10:13.543 --> 01:10:15.543
Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.
1102
01:10:15.612 --> 01:10:17.478
What?
1103
01:10:17.480 --> 01:10:19.647
Hang on. I'm gonna try
and get more intel.
1104
01:10:29.359 --> 01:10:30.625
What's going on?
1105
01:10:30.627 --> 01:10:31.960
Why did you kidnap me?
1106
01:10:31.962 --> 01:10:35.563
I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-billy.
1107
01:10:35.565 --> 01:10:39.000
I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown,
that's what I am.
1108
01:10:40.637 --> 01:10:42.904
Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.
1109
01:10:43.440 --> 01:10:44.440
Look.
1110
01:10:44.808 --> 01:10:46.441
Come here.
1111
01:10:46.443 --> 01:10:48.509
There's an all-you-can-eat
pasta bar.
1112
01:10:51.714 --> 01:10:52.714
Abbondanza!
1113
01:10:53.583 --> 01:10:57.318
Spicy hot pasta puttanesca.
1114
01:10:57.320 --> 01:10:59.487
Which means
"whore's pasta"!
1115
01:10:59.489 --> 01:11:02.357
As in a whore,
who made this pasta.
1116
01:11:04.494 --> 01:11:06.527
Doesn't that look delicious?
1117
01:11:06.529 --> 01:11:09.964
Next, an all-you-can-eat
lard bar.
1118
01:11:11.701 --> 01:11:13.401
Squirt, piggy, squirt!
1119
01:11:13.403 --> 01:11:14.969
Squirt it! Squirt!
1120
01:11:22.312 --> 01:11:24.512
All the lard you want!
1121
01:11:24.514 --> 01:11:26.874
Fill your little
tummy full of lard!
1122
01:11:27.017 --> 01:11:28.383
Hansel, where is he now?
1123
01:11:28.385 --> 01:11:29.784
He's okay.
1124
01:11:29.786 --> 01:11:31.452
It's actually kind of nice.
1125
01:11:31.454 --> 01:11:33.671
Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.
1126
01:11:33.672 --> 01:11:35.889
He's got like a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.
1127
01:11:35.892 --> 01:11:36.972
Oh, and pasta, too.
1128
01:11:37.294 --> 01:11:39.394
No!
1129
01:11:39.396 --> 01:11:42.530
Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him for the slaughter.
1130
01:11:42.532 --> 01:11:44.632
You can drop
this stupid act.
1131
01:11:44.634 --> 01:11:47.869
I know who you are.
You're Jacob Moogberg.
1132
01:11:47.871 --> 01:11:50.471
And you're supposed
to be in jail.
1133
01:11:50.473 --> 01:11:54.542
Hey! Jacob Moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivory
1134
01:11:54.544 --> 01:11:55.777
on skinny satin neckwear!
1135
01:11:55.779 --> 01:11:57.745
You hear me?
1136
01:11:57.747 --> 01:11:59.914
Okay. I got to make my move.
Later.
1137
01:11:59.916 --> 01:12:02.517
You listen to me,
Biggie Smalls.
1138
01:12:02.519 --> 01:12:04.519
I went to prison!
1139
01:12:04.521 --> 01:12:06.988
You better scarf down that
last bowl of whore pasta!
1140
01:12:06.990 --> 01:12:08.110
We roll in two!
1141
01:12:19.369 --> 01:12:21.369
You okay in there,
little fella?
1142
01:12:21.371 --> 01:12:22.770
We should call
the police boat!
1143
01:12:22.772 --> 01:12:24.972
They'll never get here
in time.
1144
01:12:24.974 --> 01:12:27.842
Who says swimsuit models
are useless?
1145
01:12:27.844 --> 01:12:28.964
Wait. What are you doing?
1146
01:12:31.081 --> 01:12:33.047
How long can you
hold your breath?
1147
01:12:33.049 --> 01:12:34.582
What?
1148
01:12:34.584 --> 01:12:35.483
Take me from behind, Derek.
1149
01:12:35.485 --> 01:12:38.386
And grab me like your life
depends on it.
1150
01:12:39.622 --> 01:12:41.022
Not like this.
1151
01:12:41.024 --> 01:12:42.724
Like this!
1152
01:12:42.726 --> 01:12:44.926
For safety. And buoyancy.
1153
01:12:44.928 --> 01:12:46.494
Wait. What?
1154
01:12:46.496 --> 01:12:48.062
We are swimming back
to Rome.
1155
01:12:48.064 --> 01:12:49.464
Oh, okay.
1156
01:12:54.838 --> 01:12:56.671
I just talked to your dad.
1157
01:12:56.673 --> 01:12:58.806
And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.
1158
01:12:58.808 --> 01:13:01.075
I never want
to see him again.
1159
01:13:01.077 --> 01:13:03.010
What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.
1160
01:13:03.012 --> 01:13:04.746
He loves you
like you're his own.
1161
01:13:04.748 --> 01:13:06.681
I am his own!
1162
01:13:06.683 --> 01:13:09.550
He's literally
the worst father ever!
1163
01:13:09.552 --> 01:13:11.419
Do you know it would break
your mom's heart
1164
01:13:11.421 --> 01:13:13.301
to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?
1165
01:13:14.057 --> 01:13:16.657
You knew my mom?
1166
01:13:16.659 --> 01:13:19.660
Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.
1167
01:13:20.430 --> 01:13:22.163
Really?
1168
01:13:22.165 --> 01:13:24.799
You didn't want to
cross her in the sack.
1169
01:13:24.801 --> 01:13:27.568
Those hips of hers would put a
love lock on you to beat the band.
1170
01:13:29.105 --> 01:13:30.905
Wait, what?
1171
01:13:30.907 --> 01:13:33.007
I remember there
was one night,
1172
01:13:33.009 --> 01:13:36.944
she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.
1173
01:13:36.946 --> 01:13:38.579
I was driving
the freight train,
1174
01:13:38.581 --> 01:13:40.301
your dad's tearing tickets
in the caboose.
1175
01:13:40.683 --> 01:13:42.049
Oh...
1176
01:13:42.051 --> 01:13:44.585
She had a mouth
like Chinese fingercuffs.
1177
01:13:44.587 --> 01:13:47.855
You know where you, like, try to pull it
out but it just keeps getting tighter...
1178
01:13:47.857 --> 01:13:50.158
Stop it! God.
1179
01:13:50.160 --> 01:13:52.460
Look... I'm not going.
1180
01:13:52.462 --> 01:13:55.163
Well, Mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,
1181
01:13:55.165 --> 01:13:57.165
cut your heart out with a knife,
and drink your blood!
1182
01:13:57.167 --> 01:13:58.733
What?
1183
01:13:58.735 --> 01:14:00.455
Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.
1184
01:14:01.805 --> 01:14:03.438
It's okay, it's okay.
1185
01:14:03.440 --> 01:14:04.839
I was exaggerating.
1186
01:14:12.849 --> 01:14:14.749
It's D-Day, little dumpling.
1187
01:14:29.098 --> 01:14:30.738
You're an amazing swimmer.
1188
01:14:34.771 --> 01:14:36.938
Why are you doing this?
1189
01:14:36.940 --> 01:14:39.380
Don't talk with
your mouth full.
1190
01:15:24.120 --> 01:15:25.786
It's soaking wet!
It's ruined!
1191
01:15:25.788 --> 01:15:26.787
How are we gonna
reach Hansel?
1192
01:15:26.789 --> 01:15:27.822
We need a phone.
1193
01:15:27.824 --> 01:15:28.856
Wait a minute.
1194
01:15:33.029 --> 01:15:34.529
Like this one?
1195
01:15:42.772 --> 01:15:43.971
Derek.
1196
01:15:43.973 --> 01:15:45.206
Hansel, where are you?
1197
01:15:45.208 --> 01:15:47.075
I don't know.
Some kind of tunnel.
1198
01:15:47.076 --> 01:15:48.943
I think we're underneath
the IncrediBall.
1199
01:15:48.945 --> 01:15:50.912
It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.
1200
01:15:50.914 --> 01:15:52.847
It's at the Caracalla Baths.
1201
01:15:52.849 --> 01:15:54.015
I'll drop a pin
or a needle or whatever
1202
01:15:54.017 --> 01:15:54.882
and you can track
my coordinates.
1203
01:15:55.251 --> 01:15:56.817
Cool.
1204
01:15:56.819 --> 01:15:59.100
They'll never let us in
looking like this.
1205
01:16:05.662 --> 01:16:08.095
Interpol Fashion Division!
1206
01:16:08.097 --> 01:16:10.131
We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!
1207
01:16:42.298 --> 01:16:45.099
Why is Anna Wintour walking
away from the red carpet?
1208
01:17:03.019 --> 01:17:05.019
We have to get in there.
1209
01:17:06.189 --> 01:17:09.624
Every bathhouse I've ever worked
at always had a rear entrance.
1210
01:17:09.626 --> 01:17:11.346
I'm sure this one's no different.
Come on.
1211
01:17:19.235 --> 01:17:20.475
This is definitely it.
1212
01:17:21.704 --> 01:17:23.104
If I feel around here
long enough,
1213
01:17:23.106 --> 01:17:25.039
I should be able
to find the hole...
1214
01:17:36.753 --> 01:17:37.852
Derek!
1215
01:17:38.788 --> 01:17:39.854
Hansel!
1216
01:17:41.324 --> 01:17:43.290
Boy, am I glad
to see you guys.
1217
01:17:43.292 --> 01:17:46.260
Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.
1218
01:17:46.262 --> 01:17:48.162
Hating you?
The last time I saw him,
1219
01:17:48.164 --> 01:17:49.664
he couldn't stop talking about
how much he loves you.
1220
01:17:49.666 --> 01:17:50.765
Really?
Yes.
1221
01:17:50.767 --> 01:17:52.099
He said that?
1222
01:17:52.101 --> 01:17:53.968
Yes. I mean,
I'm kind of paraphrasing,
1223
01:17:53.970 --> 01:17:55.202
and you had to read
between the lines,
1224
01:17:55.204 --> 01:17:57.138
but, basically.
1225
01:17:57.140 --> 01:17:59.140
Shut up!
Can we talk about this later?
1226
01:17:59.142 --> 01:18:00.408
Yeah, come on.
Let's go!
1227
01:18:00.410 --> 01:18:01.650
This way.
1228
01:18:24.400 --> 01:18:25.966
That's Alexander Wang.
1229
01:18:25.968 --> 01:18:27.401
And Vera Wang.
1230
01:18:28.137 --> 01:18:29.704
Both Wangs.
1231
01:18:31.708 --> 01:18:33.074
Marc Jacobs.
1232
01:18:33.810 --> 01:18:36.143
Tommy Hilfiger.
1233
01:18:36.145 --> 01:18:38.785
They are all here
for the sacrifice.
1234
01:18:55.198 --> 01:18:57.965
In the beginning of time,
1235
01:18:57.967 --> 01:19:02.169
God created Adam and Eve...
1236
01:19:02.171 --> 01:19:04.338
...and Steve!
1237
01:19:05.508 --> 01:19:07.074
Mugatu!
1238
01:19:07.477 --> 01:19:09.176
Mugatu!
1239
01:19:09.912 --> 01:19:11.412
Mugatu!
1240
01:19:11.848 --> 01:19:13.314
Mugatu!
1241
01:19:13.916 --> 01:19:15.416
Mugatu!
1242
01:19:31.234 --> 01:19:33.033
D.J.
Wait.
1243
01:19:33.035 --> 01:19:34.275
We don't have backup yet.
1244
01:19:38.307 --> 01:19:41.375
Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us...
1245
01:19:41.377 --> 01:19:42.617
...the Choosen Why-yun.
1246
01:19:45.882 --> 01:19:48.282
And behold,
1247
01:19:48.284 --> 01:19:50.451
God expunged Steve
from the Garden,
1248
01:19:50.453 --> 01:19:52.486
only to redeem us
with eternal youth...
1249
01:19:52.488 --> 01:19:54.221
No.
1250
01:19:54.223 --> 01:19:56.891
...bathed in the blood
of the fat little Chosen One!
1251
01:19:58.828 --> 01:19:59.927
Derek!
Derek, don't.
1252
01:19:59.929 --> 01:20:00.929
No!
1253
01:20:08.437 --> 01:20:10.171
I don't care if you're fat anymore,
Derek Jr.
1254
01:20:10.173 --> 01:20:11.972
I love you.
1255
01:20:11.974 --> 01:20:14.241
Look, I have made
a lot of mistakes in my life,
1256
01:20:14.243 --> 01:20:15.943
but you are by far
the best one.
1257
01:20:15.945 --> 01:20:17.278
I was a mistake?
1258
01:20:17.280 --> 01:20:19.097
I think so.
1259
01:20:19.098 --> 01:20:20.915
To tell you the truth, we were having
so much sex, I can't remember.
1260
01:20:20.917 --> 01:20:22.349
Tell me about it, muchacho.
1261
01:20:22.485 --> 01:20:24.418
Ugh!
1262
01:20:24.420 --> 01:20:27.454
You're beautiful. You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.
1263
01:20:27.456 --> 01:20:28.589
The fire?
1264
01:20:28.591 --> 01:20:30.925
The fire in your face.
1265
01:20:30.927 --> 01:20:33.828
I lost it the day
I killed your mom.
1266
01:20:33.830 --> 01:20:37.431
Oh, look. It's a sad,
scared little boy
1267
01:20:37.433 --> 01:20:40.367
talking to his fat son
about their feelings.
1268
01:20:41.838 --> 01:20:44.171
You are responsible
for all this!
1269
01:20:44.173 --> 01:20:46.507
You lured me to Italy so you
could escape from prison.
1270
01:20:46.509 --> 01:20:48.749
You made Don Atari and Alexanya
hire me to set this trap.
1271
01:20:49.312 --> 01:20:50.552
But enough is enough!
1272
01:20:51.047 --> 01:20:52.546
Enough is enough!
1273
01:20:52.548 --> 01:20:55.049
Eat my blade, Junior!
1274
01:20:55.051 --> 01:20:57.017
Time to die,
Chubby Checker!
1275
01:21:01.224 --> 01:21:02.389
Magnum, buddy. Now.
1276
01:21:04.393 --> 01:21:05.860
I can do this.
1277
01:21:17.940 --> 01:21:18.940
Oh.
1278
01:21:20.243 --> 01:21:22.276
That did not work at all.
1279
01:21:24.313 --> 01:21:27.081
It just doesn't hold up,
does it?
1280
01:21:27.083 --> 01:21:29.316
You sleuthed
the whole thing out, Derek,
1281
01:21:29.318 --> 01:21:32.519
but failed to de-sleuth the most
important piece of the puzzle.
1282
01:21:32.521 --> 01:21:34.622
I owned
the construction company
1283
01:21:34.624 --> 01:21:37.904
that built the Center for Kids
Who Can't Read Good.
1284
01:21:38.961 --> 01:21:40.961
I personally made
sure they cut corners.
1285
01:21:40.963 --> 01:21:42.029
Literally!
1286
01:21:43.900 --> 01:21:46.000
But that means that...
1287
01:21:46.001 --> 01:21:49.121
That's right, JuJu Bean.
That's How I Killed Your Mother!
1288
01:21:49.338 --> 01:21:52.339
On CBS, right after
Two Broke Girls.
1289
01:21:53.276 --> 01:21:54.975
Dad, it wasn't you!
1290
01:21:54.977 --> 01:21:56.343
It wasn't...
1291
01:21:56.345 --> 01:21:59.046
Wait. You called me "Dad".
1292
01:21:59.649 --> 01:22:01.181
Oh, I guess I did.
1293
01:22:02.285 --> 01:22:04.318
Now you don't have
the ceremonial knife!
1294
01:22:04.320 --> 01:22:06.487
Which means,
no Fountain of Youth!
1295
01:22:07.490 --> 01:22:10.291
Come on, Derek!
We need the blood!
1296
01:22:10.293 --> 01:22:12.359
Stop being so emotional,
Derek.
1297
01:22:12.361 --> 01:22:14.395
Just give him
the goddamn knife.
1298
01:22:14.397 --> 01:22:16.363
Derek, we need the blood!
1299
01:22:16.365 --> 01:22:19.133
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
1300
01:22:19.135 --> 01:22:22.670
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
1301
01:22:22.672 --> 01:22:25.572
Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife, Derek.
1302
01:22:25.574 --> 01:22:27.614
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
1303
01:22:30.246 --> 01:22:32.212
Shut up, Valentino!
1304
01:22:33.449 --> 01:22:36.083
Just shut up!
Everyone shut up!
1305
01:22:36.085 --> 01:22:38.285
There is no
Fountain of Youth!
1306
01:22:39.021 --> 01:22:40.021
What?
1307
01:22:40.656 --> 01:22:44.725
I mean,
Adam and Eve and Steve?
1308
01:22:44.727 --> 01:22:46.994
Are you serious?
You actually believed that crap?
1309
01:22:47.463 --> 01:22:49.463
What?
1310
01:22:49.465 --> 01:22:53.968
It's literally the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!
1311
01:22:53.970 --> 01:22:57.304
I get it if Alexander Wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!
1312
01:22:57.306 --> 01:22:59.173
Oh, please.
1313
01:22:59.175 --> 01:23:02.276
Without me, you'd still
be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.
1314
01:23:02.278 --> 01:23:04.998
Oh, look, it's the White Witch
from Narnia!
1315
01:23:06.282 --> 01:23:08.582
Oh, no, I'm sorry
it's just Anna Wintour.
1316
01:23:08.584 --> 01:23:10.150
I'll knock your teeth out!
1317
01:23:10.152 --> 01:23:12.753
I'll rip your
goddamn tongue out!
1318
01:23:12.755 --> 01:23:15.022
Check out the new
spring collection from Hilfiger.
1319
01:23:15.024 --> 01:23:17.191
Brought to you
by white privilege!
1320
01:23:17.193 --> 01:23:19.293
You couldn't make a down jacket
to save your life!
1321
01:23:19.628 --> 01:23:21.495
Asshole.
1322
01:23:21.497 --> 01:23:22.696
I don't understand.
1323
01:23:22.698 --> 01:23:24.198
You're saying
the legend isn't true?
1324
01:23:24.200 --> 01:23:26.633
Why are you doing
all of this, then?
1325
01:23:26.635 --> 01:23:29.136
Because Marc,
by Marc Jacobs...
1326
01:23:30.639 --> 01:23:33.507
...I knew there'd only be
one thing that would gather
1327
01:23:33.509 --> 01:23:38.479
the entire idiotic fashion world
into one place with no exit!
1328
01:23:38.481 --> 01:23:39.646
Todd! Doors!
1329
01:23:44.754 --> 01:23:46.320
Todd! Silks!
1330
01:23:49.692 --> 01:23:50.657
Huh?
1331
01:23:50.659 --> 01:23:56.196
For years you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!
1332
01:23:56.198 --> 01:23:58.432
Well, now it's my turn!
1333
01:24:02.605 --> 01:24:04.805
I was living a peaceful
life of reclusion.
1334
01:24:05.174 --> 01:24:06.440
Why drag me into this?
1335
01:24:08.277 --> 01:24:10.411
Because my big issue is...
1336
01:24:10.413 --> 01:24:13.247
...I hate you,
Derek Zoolander!
1337
01:24:15.217 --> 01:24:17.117
Then why kill all
those pop stars?
1338
01:24:17.119 --> 01:24:18.452
Why kill Justin Bieber?
1339
01:24:19.789 --> 01:24:22.823
Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin Bieber?
1340
01:24:27.296 --> 01:24:28.462
Todd! Pooch!
1341
01:24:35.838 --> 01:24:37.538
It's a bomb!
1342
01:24:37.540 --> 01:24:39.506
Not just any bomb.
1343
01:24:39.508 --> 01:24:42.676
A device,
designed by Philippe Starck
1344
01:24:42.678 --> 01:24:44.778
in collaboration
with Al-Qaeda
1345
01:24:44.780 --> 01:24:47.214
for their new spring
explosive collection.
1346
01:24:47.616 --> 01:24:49.383
Todd! Floor!
1347
01:24:53.089 --> 01:24:56.256
When I throw this into
this ancient pool of lava,
1348
01:24:56.258 --> 01:24:58.298
it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.
1349
01:24:59.261 --> 01:25:00.694
Leaving only me.
1350
01:25:01.363 --> 01:25:03.163
You can't kill fashion!
1351
01:25:03.165 --> 01:25:05.165
I'm afraid fashion
already killed itself.
1352
01:25:06.335 --> 01:25:08.635
Mugatu! I'm coming across!
1353
01:25:11.307 --> 01:25:13.373
Derek!
1354
01:25:13.375 --> 01:25:15.442
Heat is a temporal construct
of the mind.
1355
01:25:15.444 --> 01:25:16.677
Yes.
1356
01:25:16.679 --> 01:25:18.512
It doesn't exist.
1357
01:25:21.717 --> 01:25:22.749
Whoa!
1358
01:25:22.751 --> 01:25:25.252
It's so hot! It's hot!
1359
01:25:31.494 --> 01:25:32.726
Jesus!
1360
01:25:32.728 --> 01:25:34.361
Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!
1361
01:25:36.365 --> 01:25:37.698
Derek, toss me the knife.
1362
01:25:37.700 --> 01:25:38.765
You got it!
1363
01:25:46.575 --> 01:25:48.142
Sorry.
1364
01:25:49.912 --> 01:25:51.912
So stupid.
1365
01:25:51.914 --> 01:25:54.915
What the hell is your problem?
1366
01:25:54.917 --> 01:25:57.351
You guys are
the absolute worst.
1367
01:25:57.353 --> 01:25:58.685
Put the bomb down, Mugatu!
1368
01:26:00.890 --> 01:26:04.158
Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy
model trying to take me down.
1369
01:26:04.160 --> 01:26:05.626
Swimsuit model!
1370
01:26:05.628 --> 01:26:08.529
Sports Illustrated cover,
three years in a row!
1371
01:26:10.900 --> 01:26:11.900
Ah!
1372
01:26:26.682 --> 01:26:27.948
Katinka...
1373
01:26:27.950 --> 01:26:29.070
...Ingaborgovinanananana!
1374
01:26:32.521 --> 01:26:35.422
Game on, my sexy sister.
1375
01:26:43.732 --> 01:26:45.599
Look!
They're sexy fighting!
1376
01:26:57.246 --> 01:26:58.879
Awesome.
1377
01:27:01.884 --> 01:27:03.917
Tommy likee.
1378
01:27:07.423 --> 01:27:10.224
Hey, idiots!
Maybe this will get your attention!
1379
01:27:10.226 --> 01:27:12.593
I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!
1380
01:27:18.601 --> 01:27:20.334
Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!
1381
01:27:20.336 --> 01:27:21.835
Fly, baby, fly!
1382
01:27:23.505 --> 01:27:24.671
Bust it out!
1383
01:27:32.548 --> 01:27:33.947
Yes! I knew it.
1384
01:27:46.395 --> 01:27:47.694
Hansel, I need your help.
1385
01:27:48.530 --> 01:27:49.796
Here, let me try!
1386
01:27:52.434 --> 01:27:55.502
It's not working!
Derek, it's not working!
1387
01:27:55.504 --> 01:27:58.272
I can't hold it, Hansel!
I don't have it!
1388
01:27:58.274 --> 01:28:00.474
You've got your son!
I've got nothing.
1389
01:28:02.578 --> 01:28:03.677
Not anymore, Hansel.
1390
01:28:05.481 --> 01:28:07.447
Who's your daddy now?
1391
01:28:07.449 --> 01:28:09.416
I don't know
who my daddy is!
1392
01:28:09.418 --> 01:28:10.851
That's the whole point!
1393
01:28:10.853 --> 01:28:12.573
Hansel.
What?
1394
01:28:14.556 --> 01:28:15.956
I am your father.
1395
01:28:17.593 --> 01:28:19.693
Holy shit. Sting?
1396
01:28:19.695 --> 01:28:21.028
Let's do this now.
1397
01:28:21.797 --> 01:28:23.397
Synchronicity.
1398
01:28:42.651 --> 01:28:45.619
Nice try, but that looks about
as powerful as your fat son's...
1399
01:28:45.621 --> 01:28:47.454
I'm not fat!
1400
01:28:49.058 --> 01:28:51.091
He's plus size.
1401
01:28:52.895 --> 01:28:54.528
And I've got the fire.
1402
01:29:00.636 --> 01:29:03.437
El Nino! It's real.
1403
01:29:06.508 --> 01:29:08.475
It's so beautiful.
1404
01:29:09.678 --> 01:29:11.044
Bellissima.
1405
01:29:16.719 --> 01:29:18.552
The prophecy was true.
1406
01:29:20.522 --> 01:29:22.489
He is the Chosen One.
1407
01:29:29.598 --> 01:29:33.767
Hansel.
He's still so hot right now.
1408
01:29:43.979 --> 01:29:46.847
No way! It's a glitter bomb!
1409
01:30:00.062 --> 01:30:01.182
Looks like
you still have it.
1410
01:30:01.630 --> 01:30:02.829
I guess I do.
1411
01:30:02.831 --> 01:30:04.898
Well, we do.
Mmm.
1412
01:30:06.735 --> 01:30:07.775
Ah!
1413
01:30:09.138 --> 01:30:10.298
Your face!
1414
01:30:10.672 --> 01:30:11.905
How bad is it?
1415
01:30:12.741 --> 01:30:14.808
Welcome to my world, bro.
1416
01:30:14.810 --> 01:30:16.443
- Hansel!
- Hansel!
1417
01:30:16.445 --> 01:30:18.245
Orgy!
Hansel!
1418
01:30:22.050 --> 01:30:24.518
What are they doing here?
1419
01:30:24.520 --> 01:30:26.453
I knew how much
they meant to you,
1420
01:30:26.455 --> 01:30:28.054
so I called them
on the way over.
1421
01:30:28.056 --> 01:30:30.690
You did that for me?
1422
01:30:30.692 --> 01:30:33.894
You're the best friend anyone could
ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.
1423
01:30:38.000 --> 01:30:40.167
You look so beautiful. Oh.
1424
01:30:41.103 --> 01:30:42.669
We missed you so much.
1425
01:30:42.671 --> 01:30:44.504
And I've missed you, too.
1426
01:30:44.506 --> 01:30:46.840
And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.
1427
01:30:48.911 --> 01:30:50.544
Minus one.
1428
01:30:52.014 --> 01:30:53.014
What?
1429
01:30:53.682 --> 01:30:55.081
I lost my baby.
1430
01:30:55.717 --> 01:30:58.018
No.
1431
01:30:58.020 --> 01:31:00.940
I guess kicking the door down
wasn't such a good idea.
1432
01:31:01.890 --> 01:31:04.010
We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.
1433
01:31:12.134 --> 01:31:14.801
Wait. Are you sure?
1434
01:31:15.804 --> 01:31:17.971
You're right. We shouldn't.
1435
01:31:19.775 --> 01:31:23.610
Hey. It's okay, Dad.
I don't think Mom would mind.
1436
01:31:30.886 --> 01:31:31.918
Matilda.
1437
01:31:32.855 --> 01:31:34.154
Go to her, Derek.
1438
01:31:35.224 --> 01:31:36.957
You're cool with it?
1439
01:31:36.959 --> 01:31:38.992
I'm totally cool with it.
1440
01:31:38.994 --> 01:31:40.794
I'm dead.
1441
01:31:40.796 --> 01:31:42.796
Literally nothing
bothers me anymore.
1442
01:31:44.032 --> 01:31:45.198
Oh, and guess what?
1443
01:31:45.200 --> 01:31:46.933
Mugatu live-streamed
all of this
1444
01:31:46.935 --> 01:31:49.503
to every fashion blog
on the planet.
1445
01:31:49.505 --> 01:31:51.345
Everybody loves
you guys again.
1446
01:31:52.007 --> 01:31:53.173
Did you hear that?
1447
01:31:53.175 --> 01:31:55.509
We did it. We're back.
1448
01:31:55.511 --> 01:31:57.544
And famous.
And totally self-realized.
1449
01:31:58.280 --> 01:31:59.779
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
1450
01:32:00.749 --> 01:32:02.115
If you're thinking...
1451
01:32:02.117 --> 01:32:04.551
Lava pool party!
1452
01:32:06.522 --> 01:32:07.854
No!
1453
01:32:11.293 --> 01:32:12.893
They're back!
1454
01:32:12.895 --> 01:32:15.095
After six weeks
in the burn ward,
1455
01:32:15.097 --> 01:32:17.297
their disgusting
facial scars healed
1456
01:32:17.299 --> 01:32:19.933
by a miraculous
hot lava treatment
1457
01:32:19.935 --> 01:32:23.003
Derek Zoolander and Hansel
owning the runway once again
1458
01:32:23.005 --> 01:32:25.772
after exposing
fashion's top designers
1459
01:32:25.774 --> 01:32:28.775
in yet another
human sacrifice scandal.
1460
01:32:28.777 --> 01:32:32.279
This time with the aid of Interpol
agent Valentina Valencia,
1461
01:32:32.281 --> 01:32:33.947
now Zoolander's wife.
1462
01:32:34.883 --> 01:32:36.816
The two recently broke ground
1463
01:32:36.818 --> 01:32:38.852
for the Valentina Valencia
Center For Swimsuit Models
1464
01:32:38.854 --> 01:32:40.654
Who Want To Be Taken Seriously
1465
01:32:40.656 --> 01:32:43.290
And Maybe Transition
Into Law Enforcement Too.
1466
01:32:43.292 --> 01:32:47.060
Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.
1467
01:32:47.062 --> 01:32:49.763
Now a model parent.
And father of ten.
1468
01:32:49.765 --> 01:32:51.831
As crowds at
Paris Fashion Week
1469
01:32:51.833 --> 01:32:54.568
go cray-cray for
Derek Zoolander, Jr.,
1470
01:32:54.570 --> 01:32:56.903
the world's hottest
plus size model-slash-
1471
01:32:56.905 --> 01:32:58.305
National Book Award winner-
1472
01:32:58.307 --> 01:33:01.975
one-half celebrity couple
Zoolala.
1473
01:33:01.977 --> 01:33:04.311
Yes, these
three are totally on fleek...
1474
01:33:04.313 --> 01:33:07.247
Redefining what it means
to be really, really,
1475
01:33:07.249 --> 01:33:09.616
ridiculously good-looking.
1476
01:33:13.889 --> 01:33:15.689
♪ Pumped up
with the sex appeal
1477
01:33:15.691 --> 01:33:17.157
♪ 'Bout to cop another feel
Then I foot the bill
1478
01:33:17.159 --> 01:33:19.025
♪ I got bang bang
with the looks that kill
1479
01:33:19.027 --> 01:33:20.927
♪ Sashay, Shante,
then hit the blue steel
1480
01:33:20.929 --> 01:33:23.129
♪ Trying to take a ride
in the cool mobile
1481
01:33:23.131 --> 01:33:25.031
♪ You wanna keep me on the line
'Cause my culo real
1482
01:33:25.033 --> 01:33:26.866
♪ Rockstar shit
with the Goose on the chill
1483
01:33:26.868 --> 01:33:29.002
♪ My pockets so fat,
got a sumo deal
1484
01:33:29.004 --> 01:33:30.704
♪ I'm a star,
so the camera flicker
1485
01:33:30.706 --> 01:33:32.806
♪ Look at her go,
blame it on the liquor
1486
01:33:32.808 --> 01:33:34.274
♪ Doing it big,
my selfie two figures
1487
01:33:34.276 --> 01:33:36.743
♪ Could give it up,
but I ain't a quitter
1488
01:33:36.745 --> 01:33:40.013
♪ Ooh, I be flyer than you
World domination, I'm so Mugatu
1489
01:33:40.015 --> 01:33:41.982
♪ Yes, I be smashin',
plenty of fashion
1490
01:33:41.984 --> 01:33:44.117
♪ Doing my anthem,
Now give 'em the Magnum
1491
01:33:44.119 --> 01:33:46.953
♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it
1492
01:33:46.955 --> 01:33:48.688
♪ Relax, don't do it
1493
01:33:51.193 --> 01:33:54.394
♪ Relax, don't do it
When we got the club moving
1494
01:33:54.396 --> 01:33:56.363
♪ Relax, don't do it
1495
01:33:56.365 --> 01:34:00.033
♪ When you wanna come
1496
01:34:14.182 --> 01:34:18.084
♪ Pack it up, old lames
You just irrelevant to us
1497
01:34:18.086 --> 01:34:21.955
♪ Old as the presidents
Your style is like the republican twos
1498
01:34:21.957 --> 01:34:25.058
♪ That's a definite
Give grief to all your relatives
1499
01:34:25.060 --> 01:34:28.695
♪ And next of kin and
Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit
1500
01:34:28.697 --> 01:34:31.164
♪ When I say ancient relics,
Hansel and Derek,
1501
01:34:31.166 --> 01:34:34.501
♪ I'm handsome, you jealous
1502
01:34:34.502 --> 01:34:37.837
♪ I can tell it from your facial
expressions Or I take it, you smell it
1503
01:34:37.839 --> 01:34:42.409
♪ I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella
suggested Valentino for the party
1504
01:34:43.445 --> 01:34:47.013
♪ Shoot it
in the right direction
1505
01:34:47.015 --> 01:34:50.016
♪ Make it your intention
1506
01:34:51.053 --> 01:34:52.752
♪ Live those dreams
1507
01:34:52.754 --> 01:34:54.020
♪ Scheme those schemes
1508
01:34:54.856 --> 01:34:56.923
♪ You gotta hit me
1509
01:34:56.925 --> 01:34:59.059
♪ Hit me with those
laser beams
1510
01:34:59.061 --> 01:35:02.328
♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it
1511
01:35:02.330 --> 01:35:05.932
♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna come
1512
01:35:05.934 --> 01:35:07.901
♪ Relax, don't do it
1513
01:35:07.903 --> 01:35:09.703
♪ When we got the club moving
1514
01:35:09.705 --> 01:35:11.337
♪ Relax, don't do it
1515
01:35:11.339 --> 01:35:14.407
♪ When you wanna come
1516
01:35:16.445 --> 01:35:19.245
♪ When you wanna come
1517
01:35:28.190 --> 01:35:29.322
♪ Relax ♪