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Support us and become VIP member 
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

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Created by Nihilus and Resync by M.R. Sumon
<font color="#008000">UNCENCORED VERSION</font>

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We are often told that happily ever afters

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exists only in the pages of fairy tales.

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And in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.

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And yet on this bright
sunny Boston afternoon,

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a talking teddybear is about
to marry his girlfriend.

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Proving two things.

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Happy endings can come true for anyone

10
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and America doesnt give a
shit about anything.

11
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Do you Tami-Lynn McCafferty

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take this teddy bear

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- to be your lawfully wedded husband?

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- I do!

15
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And do you, Ted, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

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Fucking right I do!

17
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Then by the power vested in me

18
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I now pronounce you husband and wife.

19
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You may kiss the bear.

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Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!

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Teddy this is the best day of my life!

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- I just love you so much!

23
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- I love you too Tammy!

24
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I'm gonna go 50 shades of bear on you tonight!

25
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- Let's go get chippies.
- Ok.

26
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Thank you.

27
00:02:17,253 --> 00:02:18,866
- Hey, congratulations.

28
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- Oh! Hi guys.

29
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Beautiful ceremony.

30
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Oh thank you so much
for being part of it.

31
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- Hey, this is my new boyfriend Rick.

32
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- How you doing?

33
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Good, good.

34
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He is a gourmet chef.

35
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So he knows how to toss a salad.

36
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Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.

37
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Oh, are you guys getting married?

38
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No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.

39
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-Hah! Fuck you.
- Fuck you!

40
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-Deal?
-Deal!

41
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Hey buddy.

42
00:02:54,931 --> 00:02:55,912
 Are you okay?

43
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You look a little down.

44
00:02:57,605 --> 00:03:00,130
Are you still shaking of that
hangover from the bachelor party?

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- Oh! This is nice.
- She's fucking begging for it!

46
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She's totally. Yeah, get in there.

47
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Look out, she want's it bad.

48
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She want's more than just a fucking pizza delivery.

49
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That's bigger than the average bear, I'll tell you that.

50
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Hey, do you now what's fucked up?

51
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That is someone's fucking daughter!

52
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Oh Jesus, come on!

53
00:03:22,658 --> 00:03:24,094
No I'm fine.

54
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I was just thinking about Lori.

55
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Oh Johnny, come on,

56
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Man it's been six
months since you guys got divorced.

57
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I know! I know! It's just...

58
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Being back in that church again?

59
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Everything seemed to be so perfect.

60
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Yeah well. You're not the frst guy that marry the wrong girl.

61
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Hey, big day huh bud?

62
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Do you guys want to celebrate with a little...(!!)

63
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Oh! No Thanks Sam! Tami-Lynn would kill me
if I did drugs on our wedding day.

64
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Ah, she wont notice.

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I just did a line
with a dude  in the mensroom

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and I bet you can't even spot him.

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Yeah, I'm gonna pass!

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This is the best day of my life!

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<font face="Tahoma"><b><font color="#ff8000">Resync and Final Edit by
M.R. Sumon @Subscene.com </font></b>
<font color="#008000">Thanks "Nihilus"</font>

70
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One year later ...

71
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I'm starving! What the hell are you doing over there?

72
00:07:25,018 --> 00:07:27,061
I'm carrying cancer! I'm
cooking your fucking steak!

73
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What do you think I'm doing?

74
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What, I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry.

75
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Look at this, look at this!

76
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129 dollars at Filings Basement!

77
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What are you buying with that Tami?

78
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I need clothes for work alright Teddy!

79
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What do you mean? You wear a  smock

80
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- You're a fucking cashier!
- Yeah and so are you!

81
00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:45,686
Yes, exactly and I'm not going
out buying designer shit.

82
00:07:46,046 --> 00:07:47,980
No, no! You're just buying weed.

83
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You're just buying drugs, you should fucking talk.

84
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I was talking.

85
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I was just talking just now until you interupted me.

86
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Well, I had to interupt you otherwise I
wouldn't get a chance to say fucking anything.

87
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- Are you going to let me finish talking?
- You're just cutting me off!

88
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- Are you going to let me finnish talking?
- You know what?

89
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I'm good at my work. I'm
trying to calimb corporate feds.

90
00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:04,880
Nobody is in there
to look at your ass.

91
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- You're acting like an asshole!
- What am I acting like?

92
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What am I acting like?

93
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Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like.

94
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You dont have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor
to put a jam in a plastic bag.

95
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I am the face of the business, okay?

96
00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,086
The face of business? Jesus Christ!

97
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Listen to you,
you're delusional!

98
00:08:21,212 --> 00:08:23,028
I should've married Robby
Echico I really should've.

99
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Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!

100
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He treated me good, and he had a dick!

101
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He had an awesome dick!

102
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News flash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.

103
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What the fuck did you just call me?

104
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- Jesus fuckign christ? What the fuck?
- Are you gonna call me a whore?!

105
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- You wanna throw shit?
- Yeah I wanna fucking throw shit.

106
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There! See? How do you like that?

107
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Oh! I'm so scared.

108
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I'm really Fucking  scared of you, little fucking bear!

109
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Shut the fuck up!

110
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Oh for Christ's sake!

111
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You shut the fuck up!

112
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Why do not you come down and make me tough guy!

113
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Why don't you come up here and
make me come down tough guy?

114
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I'm gonna come up there and
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

115
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I want you to try asshole!
Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

116
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- Shut the fuck up!
- Why do not you shut up?

117
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Fuck!

118
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Shut the Fuck up

119
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- Hey, I'm really sorry!
- Yes me too.

120
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- She's worse than us.
- Yes, she is our enemy now.

121
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You guys. at least they have tried marriage therapy?

122
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Oh God, yeah, it was a freaking disaster.

123
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$ 250 and we did not learn a God damn thing.

124
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250? That's ridiculous, doesn't the
insurance cover that or something?

125
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No, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obama care on the internet,

126
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but I came back after five minutes,
she was looking at black cocks.

127
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Seems like everytime you go online
you're two clicks away from black cocks.

128
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Look, see?

129
00:09:49,917 --> 00:09:51,406
 I googled Grand Canyon.

130
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Here. Look, it says did you mean black cocks.

131
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I don't know man, I gotta do something
or my marriage is going to collapse.

132
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Here you go guys. We're gonna be closing in a few.

133
00:10:02,305 --> 00:10:05,548
I'm going to this after at my
friends apartment if you wanna join?

134
00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:08,328
Thanks Allison, but I got an early date tomorrow.

135
00:10:08,786 --> 00:10:10,722
Oh okey. Well.

136
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If you change your mind, here's the address.

137
00:10:16,269 --> 00:10:18,272
I put my cell number there too.

138
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- Oh, my God!

139
00:10:21,294 --> 00:10:22,748
Are you fucking kidding me?

140
00:10:22,799 --> 00:10:23,440
- What?

141
00:10:23,630 --> 00:10:26,902
What do you mean what? After hours?
She totally wants to sleep with you!

142
00:10:27,737 --> 00:10:28,397
I'm not into it.

143
00:10:28,555 --> 00:10:30,848
John, you've been saying
that for a year and a half

144
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,750
about every chick that has
throwed herself at you.

145
00:10:32,928 --> 00:10:34,199
But you gotta get back in the game man!

146
00:10:34,373 --> 00:10:35,862
No don't start this shit alright?

147
00:10:35,922 --> 00:10:38,363
Look, I wasted six years of my life
with the wrong girl and got burned.

148
00:10:38,565 --> 00:10:40,340
- I'm not gonna make that mistake again.

149
00:10:40,430 --> 00:10:40,892
- Jesus Johnny.

150
00:10:41,479 --> 00:10:43,662
You're not gonna marry Allison,
you're just gonna bang her,

151
00:10:43,687 --> 00:10:44,500
- and maybe pee a little on her.

152
00:10:44,754 --> 00:10:45,480
- What?

153
00:10:46,419 --> 00:10:49,224
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.

154
00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:50,980
Yeah, I gotta take a leak.

155
00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:54,765
Sorry Allison, I tried.

156
00:10:55,746 --> 00:10:58,114
It's okay I just wish he wasn't so God damn cute.

157
00:10:58,433 --> 00:11:01,839
Yeah, hey, can I get a Jack Daniels with a splash of grape juice?

158
00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:03,750
Wish I could help you but we're closing.

159
00:11:03,991 --> 00:11:06,663
One drink and I promise I won't tell anyone that Jay Leno

160
00:11:06,688 --> 00:11:08,491
comes in here for gay bathroom sex.

161
00:11:08,930 --> 00:11:10,866
What the fuck are doing? Get off me!

162
00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:13,149
Sorry! My mistake.

163
00:11:21,006 --> 00:11:22,778
Here we go. Thanks alot come again.

164
00:11:30,292 --> 00:11:32,494
- Hey.
- Hello.

165
00:11:33,622 --> 00:11:36,212
I'd like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

166
00:11:36,891 --> 00:11:38,834
- Yeah, box of Trix.

167
00:11:39,851 --> 00:11:40,437
- That's right.

168
00:11:40,756 --> 00:11:45,497
I've been led to understand that Trix
are exclusively for children, is that correct?

169
00:11:46,728 --> 00:11:50,401
Well, I mean they say Trix is for kids in the commercials.

170
00:11:52,101 --> 00:11:53,898
- And is that enforced by law?

171
00:11:54,859 --> 00:11:56,755
- Um not to my knowledge, no.

172
00:11:57,553 --> 00:12:01,167
So if I purchases these Trix there'll be no trouble?

173
00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:03,711
No, no, you should be fine.

174
00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:07,236
You do understand that I myself are not a child?

175
00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:09,982
I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

176
00:12:11,678 --> 00:12:13,612
Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my appartment.

177
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:16,306
Umm yeah, you'll be okay.

178
00:12:18,452 --> 00:12:21,124
- And uh...I wont be followed?
- Ah no, thats...

179
00:12:21,353 --> 00:12:22,626
That's not in our budget here.

180
00:12:26,144 --> 00:12:29,509
Hey, I wont forget what you have done for me here today.

181
00:12:30,494 --> 00:12:32,020
I would prefer if you do.

182
00:12:38,387 --> 00:12:40,255
Jesus Christ!

183
00:12:50,213 --> 00:12:52,682
- You two still not talking?
- No.

184
00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:55,547
Honest to God Joy, I don't know how to fix this.

185
00:12:55,604 --> 00:12:58,537
I mean, how the hell do you take a
broken marriage and make it work again?

186
00:12:58,662 --> 00:13:01,800
Well, I tell you one way.
You have yourself a baby.

187
00:13:02,191 --> 00:13:04,795
- A baby?
- Uhu! Look at that.

188
00:13:04,955 --> 00:13:06,483
- You see those white niggers over there?

189
00:13:07,602 --> 00:13:08,376
- Yeah, what?

190
00:13:08,715 --> 00:13:10,199
Look at them. They're so happy.

191
00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,744
Because they got that little baby keeping them together.

192
00:13:13,297 --> 00:13:17,169
If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad ass white niggers

193
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:19,856
- Waiting for Downton Abby to come home.
- Why, you said that twice.

194
00:13:19,888 --> 00:13:23,204
- Is that an actual phrase or...
- I'm telling you Ted, you'll better

195
00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:24,857
have a baby or your marriage is over,

196
00:13:25,201 --> 00:13:25,762
trust me.

197
00:13:26,123 --> 00:13:30,123
<font color="#0000ff">M.R. Sumon @ Subscene.com</font>

198
00:13:30,147 --> 00:13:32,147
Final Edit &  Resync

199
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:37,317
Hey.

200
00:13:38,564 --> 00:13:39,590
- Go away Teddy.

201
00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:41,578
- Tami, listen, I just want to talk to you.

202
00:13:42,014 --> 00:13:43,578
- OK? Would you just listen for one second?
- Why?

203
00:13:43,796 --> 00:13:45,640
-Why?  So you can give me shit about my clothes?

204
00:13:45,714 --> 00:13:47,755
- No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?

205
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:50,586
I'm sorry, I was an asshole and I didn't mean it.

206
00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:51,823
You know whatever, Teddy.

207
00:13:52,182 --> 00:13:54,717
Tami listen, I love you.

208
00:13:55,632 --> 00:13:58,836
Okay, and I don't want to fight like we've
been doing the past few months.

209
00:13:59,113 --> 00:14:01,381
I don't know Teddy. I mean, something got to change.

210
00:14:01,612 --> 00:14:04,416
You know? Because I can't do this anymore.

211
00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,631
- It's too much!
- I know, I know.

212
00:14:07,219 --> 00:14:08,486
And that's why ..

213
00:14:09,832 --> 00:14:11,188
I want to have a baby.

214
00:14:13,508 --> 00:14:15,641
- You do?
- Yeah.

215
00:14:15,846 --> 00:14:18,447
A baby? Like really?

216
00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:21,641
Yeah! I think if we got a kid to love,

217
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,594
he'll teach us to how to love each other again.

218
00:14:23,932 --> 00:14:25,424
Oh my God Teddy.

219
00:14:26,436 --> 00:14:28,982
- You better not be messing with me.
- I swear to God, I'm not mesing with you!

220
00:14:29,007 --> 00:14:32,612
- You'll make an awesome mom!
- Oh my God, are you kidding me?

221
00:14:32,614 --> 00:14:36,418
- I would like kick so much ass at being a mom.
- So what do you say, we all good?

222
00:14:36,422 --> 00:14:39,109
- Yes! I love you, I love you so much!

223
00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:40,856
- Oh baby! I love you too.

224
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,961
- Let's make a baby.
- Let's make a baby.

225
00:14:53,390 --> 00:14:55,747
Okay are you ready?  Here it comes!

226
00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:57,464
Okay, I'm ready.

227
00:15:09,557 --> 00:15:11,895
- I say we go to court.
- Yes, let's go to court.

228
00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:15,103
We are a bunch of assholes who take
up a whole hallwaywithou conversation.

229
00:15:16,899 --> 00:15:19,104
Hey you lawyer guys.

230
00:15:20,184 --> 00:15:22,781
You don't know me and Johnny are watching you.

231
00:15:22,973 --> 00:15:25,239
While we're high.

232
00:15:27,062 --> 00:15:29,398
- That was fucking magic.
- It felt smooth.

233
00:15:29,423 --> 00:15:31,656
- That felt really smooth.
- It's all in the pocket.

234
00:15:31,910 --> 00:15:33,094
Hey, so uh...

235
00:15:33,348 --> 00:15:36,897
- Listen, I got some big news to tell you.
- Oh yeah, what's that?

236
00:15:37,471 --> 00:15:40,677
Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby.

237
00:15:42,828 --> 00:15:45,999
- Holy shit! You?
- Yeah! We talked about it today.

238
00:15:46,024 --> 00:15:47,794
Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations!

239
00:15:48,209 --> 00:15:49,108
Thank You.

240
00:15:49,109 --> 00:15:51,071
Wait, wait, how do you guys...?

241
00:15:51,397 --> 00:15:55,003
Well, that's the thing. We got to find a sperm donor and ...

242
00:15:56,124 --> 00:15:59,930
I'm wondering, what do you think
Sam Jones would say if I asked him?

243
00:16:00,199 --> 00:16:02,001
You want to Flash Gordon to father of your child?

244
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:05,609
Yeah, I mean do you think that would be weird?
Like would he be freaked out if I...?

245
00:16:05,677 --> 00:16:09,485
No I think he'd be flattered plus the baby
would be a fucking superhero.

246
00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:11,303
Well that was the logic I arrived at aswell.

247
00:16:11,406 --> 00:16:12,562
I say do it.

248
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,665
Alright I'll shoot him an e-mail right now
and see if I can stop by tonight.

249
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,414
- You'll come with me?
- Sure!

250
00:16:17,448 --> 00:16:18,339
Alright, great.

251
00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:23,347
Shit, I can never get a signal in your apartment.

252
00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:25,561
- Can I use your laptop?
- Yes, go ahead.

253
00:16:25,804 --> 00:16:27,239
Okay, thanks.

254
00:16:31,493 --> 00:16:33,229
- What the fuck?
- Holy shit!

255
00:16:33,230 --> 00:16:34,964
What's the matter? What happened?

256
00:16:35,172 --> 00:16:37,911
- What's going on?
- There is so much porn!

257
00:16:37,912 --> 00:16:40,110
What thehell are you doing looking at my private shit?

258
00:16:40,112 --> 00:16:43,584
What are you talking about
private shit Johnny, it was wide open.

259
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,320
There were literally thousands of files here!

260
00:16:45,322 --> 00:16:46,943
I've been meaning to
clear some of that out.

261
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:47,592
Jesus Christ.

262
00:16:47,594 --> 00:16:51,465
Look at the organisation here.
Clockwise rimjob, counter clockwise rimjob.

263
00:16:51,871 --> 00:16:54,207
Yeah well, sometimes you want to
see the tongue go the other way.

264
00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:57,279
You sick fuck! Look at this! Chicks with dicks!?

265
00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:01,355
Oh, my God! I have a disease alright? I need help!

266
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:04,027
There are no chicks with dicks Johnny!
Only guys with tits!

267
00:17:04,029 --> 00:17:05,831
Well this is such a relief.
You have to help, I'm

268
00:17:05,856 --> 00:17:07,633
glad I finally got caught.
I wanted to be caught!

269
00:17:07,636 --> 00:17:10,507
Johnny you listen to me, this is a wake up call, okay?

270
00:17:10,643 --> 00:17:12,446
You gotta get back out
there and meet somebody

271
00:17:12,471 --> 00:17:14,272
because you are spiraling
out of control here.

272
00:17:14,383 --> 00:17:16,988
Alright, alright, fine I will,
just stop looking at that shit, please.

273
00:17:17,058 --> 00:17:20,462
Johnny I mean it! Alright, the next chick
you meet you will be back in the game.

274
00:17:20,465 --> 00:17:21,933
- Fine I got it...Done!
- Alright.

275
00:17:22,401 --> 00:17:23,488
Now let's get rid of this.

276
00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:25,271
What do you mean? Just delete the files.

277
00:17:25,474 --> 00:17:27,323
No, no. That shit can always be recovered.

278
00:17:27,364 --> 00:17:29,445
We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

279
00:17:35,563 --> 00:17:37,633
- Well, are you happy?
- No, the circuits can

280
00:17:37,635 --> 00:17:39,205
be reconstructed if someone worked at it.

281
00:17:39,207 --> 00:17:41,128
We have to bury it in the harbour.

282
00:17:55,737 --> 00:17:59,279
So basically that's it. We need a sperm donor.

283
00:17:59,814 --> 00:18:02,417
So what do you say?
You would really be helping me and Tami out.

284
00:18:02,688 --> 00:18:05,691
- No can do my brother.
- Why not?

285
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:09,500
I did a lot of blow in the eighties and...

286
00:18:09,702 --> 00:18:12,973
- My sperm count is a little low.
- Well how low?

287
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:15,778
- One.
- One?

288
00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:19,990
Yeah little fella having his own I am Legend in my nutsack.

289
00:18:19,991 --> 00:18:22,259
- Well, can we have that one?
- No!

290
00:18:22,462 --> 00:18:25,868
It's needed for protein if I ever get lost at sea.

291
00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:28,072
Come on guys. Are we done here? I gotta go.

292
00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:30,744
That sister sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself.

293
00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:35,489
- I can not believe that son of a bitch.
- That was really selfish of him.

294
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,561
I know. And after I watched his pissed
of shit movie like a 100 times.

295
00:18:38,897 --> 00:18:40,498
God dammit!

296
00:18:41,436 --> 00:18:42,971
Oh Shit!

297
00:18:48,183 --> 00:18:50,320
Johnny, please just help me do this, okay?

298
00:18:50,322 --> 00:18:53,393
He's the only guy in the world
whos sperm is even close to Flash Gordons

299
00:18:53,371 --> 00:18:55,441
Teddy, it's insane. We can get in a lot of trouble.

300
00:18:55,466 --> 00:18:57,251
Not if no one finds out.

301
00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,594
Look, John, we sneak into
his house, jerk him off in

302
00:18:59,619 --> 00:19:02,212
his sleep and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy.

303
00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:04,824
And think how awesome the baby will be!

304
00:19:05,414 --> 00:19:07,022
It would be a sweet ass fucking baby!

305
00:19:08,427 --> 00:19:10,954
Alright I'll help you but we gotta have a game plan.

306
00:19:22,991 --> 00:19:24,660
Just calm down.

307
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,200
Yeah, I can help you?

308
00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:32,141
Hey. You're Tom Brady?

309
00:19:32,478 --> 00:19:36,417
- Yeah.
- Your neighbours called and

310
00:19:36,419 --> 00:19:39,091
your airconditioner makes alot of noice
so I'm supposed to check out the unit.

311
00:19:39,092 --> 00:19:41,494
- Oh okay, yeah it's around the back.
- Okay, I just need ...

312
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,820
a signature, in case I gotta
get some parts for the building.

313
00:19:45,639 --> 00:19:49,511
If you could just write that to
John and Ted with number twelve.

314
00:19:49,716 --> 00:19:52,919
And you're not a cheater. I think your balls are perfect.

315
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,856
It's around the back.

316
00:20:17,776 --> 00:20:19,242
Stupid fucking idiot!

317
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,727
Okay, go, go, go!

318
00:20:27,751 --> 00:20:31,751
<i>M.R. Sumon</i>

319
00:20:44,363 --> 00:20:46,166
Take the damn raingear off, you're making to much noise.

320
00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,237
Piss off! I don't wanna get any jizz on me.

321
00:20:59,397 --> 00:21:02,735
Two league mvps, four super bowl rings.

322
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,742
Guaranteed hall of fame.

323
00:21:05,743 --> 00:21:08,413
Now let's give him a hand job in thes red solo cup.

324
00:21:08,815 --> 00:21:09,605
Alright, go ahead.

325
00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:11,778
What do you mean go ahead?
You gotta do it.

326
00:21:12,624 --> 00:21:14,491
What are you talking about? You're the one who needs sperm.

327
00:21:14,492 --> 00:21:16,271
Yes, but there got to be
a human hand, it gotta

328
00:21:16,296 --> 00:21:18,059
be skin to skin, otherwise
it doesn't work.

329
00:21:18,339 --> 00:21:20,483
- No it doesn't, it's just friction
- Look, I've never done this before.

330
00:21:20,508 --> 00:21:22,110
- Well neither have I!
- You do it to yourself!

331
00:21:22,111 --> 00:21:25,183
- It's different!
- You're an adult

332
00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:27,653
with a poster of this fucking yuy in your room
and you tell me you dont want this?

333
00:21:27,724 --> 00:21:29,721
Yeah I want it. But I'm nervous. What
if he doesnt like the way I'm doing it?

334
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,795
If I want to. But I'm nervous What will
happen if you see what I'm doing to him?

335
00:21:31,797 --> 00:21:34,986
Please hold yourself together! He'll love it! Go, go, go.

336
00:21:40,951 --> 00:21:43,687
Sweet God and baby Jesus

337
00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:48,538
- And that's in rest.
- What the hell?

338
00:21:48,592 --> 00:21:50,210
Mr Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.

339
00:21:50,235 --> 00:21:53,197
What are you doing here? Who are you?
Get out of my house!

340
00:21:56,850 --> 00:21:58,054
Wait, Mr. Brady.

341
00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:00,389
Take your God damn teddy bear with you!

342
00:22:01,795 --> 00:22:04,131
Holy shit! I hurt my spinal!

343
00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:06,054
Come on, lets get out of here.

344
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,292
What the hell do we do now?

345
00:22:19,231 --> 00:22:21,835
- Ted let me ask you something.
- What's that?

346
00:22:22,611 --> 00:22:23,767
- Why didn't you just come to me?

347
00:22:24,464 --> 00:22:25,509
- What are you talking about?

348
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,047
For the sperm.

349
00:22:27,985 --> 00:22:31,924
Johnny, you kidding me?
You're the first person I wanted to go.

350
00:22:32,528 --> 00:22:36,132
But you've just been so bumped down
with your divorce lately, that I just...

351
00:22:36,736 --> 00:22:38,897
You know, I didn't want to put
you in an awkward position.

352
00:22:39,341 --> 00:22:42,423
Plus, after seeing your laptop
I didn't think you had any left.

353
00:22:42,615 --> 00:22:45,419
Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.

354
00:22:45,444 --> 00:22:46,378
Really?

355
00:22:46,625 --> 00:22:50,364
- You'd do that for me?
- What? Ted, you're my best friend.

356
00:22:50,365 --> 00:22:54,037
I'd do anythng for you. Besides,
we just broke into Tom Bradys house

357
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,633
and tried to jerk him off. You are ready to be a parent.

358
00:22:57,847 --> 00:22:59,381
God!

359
00:22:59,718 --> 00:23:04,726
I do not know what to say. Jonhy thank you!
Thank you so much.

360
00:23:05,128 --> 00:23:07,867
Hey, thunder buddys for life, remember?

361
00:23:08,434 --> 00:23:09,856
- Thunder buddys for life.

362
00:23:10,207 --> 00:23:12,344
- Come on, we gotta get out of
here before the cops show up.

363
00:23:13,079 --> 00:23:17,086
All units, we have a 317 on Maple Drive.
Area units please respond.

364
00:23:17,220 --> 00:23:18,823
What is a 317?

365
00:23:18,892 --> 00:23:21,962
Someone tried to steal Tom Bradys jizz again.

366
00:23:35,339 --> 00:23:37,475
What is that? What are you doing?

367
00:23:37,610 --> 00:23:39,347
- I'm getting ready, dude.
- What do you mean getting ready?

368
00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:40,531
What are you doing
with your hand?

369
00:23:40,556 --> 00:23:42,220
I'm doing this for you,
I'm getting ready ...

370
00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:44,835
You got your hand on your
dick what are you doing?

371
00:23:44,860 --> 00:23:46,629
I'm trying to get it half hard

372
00:23:46,631 --> 00:23:48,099
so when I get in ther I can just bust it out.

373
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:50,436
Sitting out here in public and jerking off.

374
00:23:50,438 --> 00:23:51,906
Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?
What are you doing?

375
00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,443
- What do you think I'm gonna do in there?
- Forget it.

376
00:23:53,444 --> 00:23:56,382
You have not smoked pot for two whole days right?

377
00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,032
Yes I told you I'm clean, alright?
Your baby is gonna be fine.

378
00:23:59,057 --> 00:24:03,464
Alright I'm sorry. I just don't want something
I gotta feed with a pitchfork when he's sixteen.

379
00:24:04,001 --> 00:24:06,069
- John Bennet?
- Hi.

380
00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:08,754
Right this way.
I'll show where to deposit your specimen.

381
00:24:09,546 --> 00:24:11,013
Hey Johnny!

382
00:24:21,372 --> 00:24:25,045
- I'm John Bennet.
- I know, I just said your name.

383
00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:27,315
Alright, yeah. Sorry I'm a little nervous.

384
00:24:27,317 --> 00:24:29,452
I've been out of the game for a while.

385
00:24:29,454 --> 00:24:32,660
- The game?
- Well, I do not talk to pretty girls that often.

386
00:24:32,661 --> 00:24:36,535
- Pretty women, ladies.
- I see.

387
00:24:37,806 --> 00:24:39,927
Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink?

388
00:24:41,011 --> 00:24:42,013
I do not ...

389
00:24:42,015 --> 00:24:44,150
I don't not mean this. Like a regular drink.

390
00:24:44,152 --> 00:24:46,020
I have a boyfriend.

391
00:24:46,490 --> 00:24:50,163
Yeah, okay. Too bad, you miss another great guy.

392
00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:55,308
Do I just spit in my hand or do
I get a lobo or something or a magazine?

393
00:24:55,868 --> 00:24:58,736
- In video I like asian teens.
- There is stuff right there.

394
00:24:59,274 --> 00:25:00,651
Alright thanks..

395
00:25:05,331 --> 00:25:08,269
Excuse me, where's your non jerking off bathroom?

396
00:25:08,793 --> 00:25:10,805
- Down that hallway to the left.
- Okay, thanks.

397
00:25:17,558 --> 00:25:19,290
Oh no way.

398
00:25:20,629 --> 00:25:24,170
Oh hey doc. Is this where
you guys store all your stuff?

399
00:25:24,838 --> 00:25:28,510
Is the intermediate station, before insemination. Are you..

400
00:25:28,975 --> 00:25:32,649
My friend is janking out a sample in one of those rooms.

401
00:25:32,855 --> 00:25:34,122
- It is a good friend.
- Yeah.

402
00:25:34,124 --> 00:25:36,261
- I'm doctor Danzer.
- Oh cool. Hold me closer doctor Danzer.

403
00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:41,540
Yeah whatever, I don't know.

404
00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:44,212
Wait now, you look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear

405
00:25:44,213 --> 00:25:46,441
- who came to life?
- I am, that's me, yeah.

406
00:25:46,484 --> 00:25:49,156
I was trying to figure out where
I had seen you before and that's it.

407
00:25:49,157 --> 00:25:50,357
Good eye, good eye.

408
00:25:50,358 --> 00:25:52,227
So how did you get in to this line of work?

409
00:25:52,229 --> 00:25:54,631
Do you just love cum?

410
00:25:55,170 --> 00:25:57,842
Not especially. But I love helping good people

411
00:25:57,843 --> 00:26:01,783
fulfill their dreams of having children.
It's amazing what we can do here.

412
00:26:02,319 --> 00:26:03,987
You wanna, you wanna have a look?

413
00:26:03,988 --> 00:26:05,591
Yeah sure.

414
00:26:07,397 --> 00:26:10,801
This is where we perform our pre implantation genetic diagnoses.

415
00:26:10,802 --> 00:26:13,205
We can eliminate hereditary diseases such as

416
00:26:13,207 --> 00:26:16,213
cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophies, cycocel anemia.

417
00:26:16,214 --> 00:26:18,616
- The list goes on and on really.
- Wow.

418
00:26:19,957 --> 00:26:22,492
- Hey Johnny you did it!
- Right here buddy.

419
00:26:22,629 --> 00:26:24,629
Euw! I mean, awesome!

420
00:26:25,033 --> 00:26:28,275
Excuse me, doctor, your wife is on the phone.
She says it's an emergency.

421
00:26:28,641 --> 00:26:30,174
Excuse me, I'll be right back.

422
00:26:32,114 --> 00:26:34,385
Do you want to see it huh? Want to see your kid?

423
00:26:34,387 --> 00:26:35,855
I can see it from here. Thanks, yes.

424
00:26:35,856 --> 00:26:40,264
- Take a closer, it's your kid.
- No, no, no it's close enough.

425
00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:43,270
- Catch!
- Oh shit!

426
00:26:43,271 --> 00:26:45,676
- Oh God!
- That's somebodys fucking kid.

427
00:26:45,678 --> 00:26:48,347
It was not my fault, you were supposed to catch it..

428
00:26:48,348 --> 00:26:50,285
- We gotta find something to scope it up.
- There's containers over there.

429
00:26:50,287 --> 00:26:52,423
Let's go for the plate.

430
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:56,031
Alright, that's not gonna work, you need
two of them to scope one into the other.

431
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,041
- Of fuck!
- Oh, my fucking God!

432
00:27:01,042 --> 00:27:02,777
Fuck!

433
00:27:07,256 --> 00:27:08,857
- Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!
- Hang on!

434
00:27:08,858 --> 00:27:11,730
- I gotta post this on facebook.
- No!

435
00:27:12,334 --> 00:27:14,603
Hashtag, grrr mondays.

436
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:18,213
- Oh, my God!
- Look I'm so sorry!

437
00:27:18,214 --> 00:27:20,751
We're so sorry.

438
00:27:20,753 --> 00:27:23,890
Well I guess it's alright.
Those are the rejected cycocell samples.

439
00:27:23,891 --> 00:27:27,431
You hear that Johnny?
You are covered in rejected black guys sperm.

440
00:27:27,499 --> 00:27:29,234
- You look like a Kardashian.
- Fuck.

441
00:27:42,663 --> 00:27:46,539
No, make sure you have all the updated
information about our comic con placement.

442
00:27:46,541 --> 00:27:49,946
This has to be the biggest, most
impressive roll out of the convention.

443
00:27:49,947 --> 00:27:51,548
Good morning, mr. Jessup.

444
00:27:51,751 --> 00:27:52,750
Good morning.

445
00:27:52,751 --> 00:27:54,887
My name is Donnie.

446
00:27:55,826 --> 00:27:57,359
- Hi, Donnie
- Hi.

447
00:27:57,429 --> 00:28:00,101
This is a multiplatform release. So I want a full report.

448
00:28:00,102 --> 00:28:01,769
Fresh cakes.

449
00:28:03,643 --> 00:28:05,845
- What?
- In the urinal sir.

450
00:28:06,650 --> 00:28:10,454
I notice you always use urinal force
so I put fresh cakes in there for you

451
00:28:10,659 --> 00:28:13,728
You are an important man,
you should never have to smell pee.

452
00:28:14,331 --> 00:28:19,273
See, most people flip the cakes.
I replae the cakes.

453
00:28:20,345 --> 00:28:21,986
That's the difference Donnie.

454
00:28:24,688 --> 00:28:27,624
I need a full report on all the
placements of all our merchandise.

455
00:28:31,836 --> 00:28:33,556
I'm afraid I have bad news.

456
00:28:33,774 --> 00:28:36,055
I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure.

457
00:28:36,446 --> 00:28:38,181
- Wait what?
- Why not?

458
00:28:38,518 --> 00:28:42,858
According to your test results
you are no longer fertile.

459
00:28:42,925 --> 00:28:45,460
- What?
- Wait, doctor. are you sure about that?

460
00:28:45,530 --> 00:28:49,137
- Maybe you should check again.
- I'm quite sure.

461
00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:53,214
Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use

462
00:28:53,215 --> 00:28:56,688
your ovarian canal has
been somewhat compromised.

463
00:28:56,824 --> 00:28:59,025
- What are you talking about? It looks fine.
- Yeah!

464
00:28:59,761 --> 00:29:03,366
Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.
This is Tami-Lynns.

465
00:29:03,903 --> 00:29:07,175
- Jesus!
- Yes, but I bet this stuff happens alot.

466
00:29:07,177 --> 00:29:09,780
I mean, you probably see
this kind of stuff all the time, right?

467
00:29:09,850 --> 00:29:11,986
No. Not once.
Not ever.

468
00:29:12,255 --> 00:29:15,328
When I saw this I threw up.  I almost quite medicine.

469
00:29:15,729 --> 00:29:18,531
Bottom line is insemination isn't possible.

470
00:29:19,003 --> 00:29:22,274
I don't understand. None of this makes any sense.

471
00:29:22,275 --> 00:29:24,082
It's OK darling. Come on, let's just go.

472
00:29:24,084 --> 00:29:27,150
What does it mean?
Does this mean we can't have a baby?

473
00:29:27,151 --> 00:29:30,158
I do not know but it's gonna be okay.
Everything is gonna be okay.

474
00:29:30,427 --> 00:29:31,961
It really isn't.

475
00:29:44,123 --> 00:29:48,597
Well, I've gone through your application
and vetted your personal history

476
00:29:49,668 --> 00:29:51,804
and I'm afraid this isn't going to work out.

477
00:29:52,807 --> 00:29:54,875
- What?
- Why not?

478
00:29:55,012 --> 00:29:58,617
Well, first of all there is a question
of Tami-Lynns drug conviction.

479
00:29:58,686 --> 00:30:00,488
Hey, I did my community service.

480
00:30:00,490 --> 00:30:03,294
Yeah, and besides, that was
five years ago. She's clean.

481
00:30:03,965 --> 00:30:09,442
There's another issue and honestly it's the more
serious one. I was reluctant to bring it up because...

482
00:30:11,914 --> 00:30:13,448
It is a little awkward.

483
00:30:14,186 --> 00:30:18,126
Ted, in the eyes of the state you are not a person.

484
00:30:19,463 --> 00:30:21,332
Wait, what?

485
00:30:22,203 --> 00:30:27,547
The state official I spoke to said that
technically you are classified as property.

486
00:30:29,819 --> 00:30:32,287
I'm not a person?

487
00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:35,563
Not according to the government. I'm sorry.

488
00:30:35,564 --> 00:30:37,367
But that is so fucked up!

489
00:30:37,903 --> 00:30:41,376
- Property? -
You know that Teddy, let's get out of here.

490
00:30:41,645 --> 00:30:44,383
Come on.

491
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:48,323
Look. You seem like good people. Be careful.

492
00:30:49,262 --> 00:30:50,997
What do you mean be careful?

493
00:30:50,998 --> 00:30:56,942
The state official I spoke to made it sound like
your status has gone under the radar for some time.

494
00:30:57,144 --> 00:31:00,351
Your adoption request may have raised some red flags.

495
00:31:00,352 --> 00:31:05,894
If they choose to investigate the issue
it may leave you quite vulnerable.

496
00:31:19,126 --> 00:31:23,332
Hey, I just got of work and heard your message.
Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that?

497
00:31:23,334 --> 00:31:24,669
Yeah, it's unbelievable.

498
00:31:24,670 --> 00:31:27,005
They say I'm property.

499
00:31:27,075 --> 00:31:29,077
What does that even mean?

500
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,148
That you are a thing?
Like garbage or a piece of shit?

501
00:31:31,283 --> 00:31:34,824
Well, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah.

502
00:31:35,093 --> 00:31:37,280
What the hell do they know?
It's just a word. Do not

503
00:31:37,282 --> 00:31:39,968
They can't change a life just by calling it property.

504
00:31:39,968 --> 00:31:42,906
Bullshit! Better ask my ancestors.

505
00:31:42,974 --> 00:31:47,115
One minute you're in Africa washing your
clothes in the river with titties out, you're good.

506
00:31:47,117 --> 00:31:50,856
Then all of the sudden, you somewhere
across the world fucking Thomas Jefferson.

507
00:31:51,258 --> 00:31:53,863
Wow, you make history come alive.

508
00:31:54,199 --> 00:31:55,799
Why the hell is this comming up now?

509
00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,610
Well, I've never voted, I don't have a
drivers licence, I don't pay taxes.

510
00:32:00,612 --> 00:32:03,015
Hell, this is the first job I ever had.

511
00:32:04,288 --> 00:32:06,489
Ted. Can I see you for a moment?

512
00:32:08,362 --> 00:32:10,764
I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.

513
00:32:10,766 --> 00:32:11,966
What?

514
00:32:12,170 --> 00:32:15,243
Why? I've been busting my ass
of on this job for three years.

515
00:32:15,311 --> 00:32:17,953
I just got a call from the labour department.

516
00:32:18,449 --> 00:32:22,524
I can't legally keep you as an emplyee
because I've been informed that you're technically

517
00:32:22,525 --> 00:32:25,263
Technically not a person. Yeah, Jesus Christ!

518
00:32:26,533 --> 00:32:30,074
I'm sorry but as of today you're fired.

519
00:32:33,750 --> 00:32:38,024
Dear Ted, your Chase bank account
has been terminated due to lack of citizenship.

520
00:32:38,025 --> 00:32:40,763
Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked.

521
00:32:40,764 --> 00:32:45,372
Dear Ted, you are no longer a
Papa Chinoawards member. Fuck, that's a big one.

522
00:32:45,777 --> 00:32:47,510
This poor baby booty.

523
00:32:48,046 --> 00:32:52,052
It's always gonna be empty.
There's never gonna be a little foot in here.

524
00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:54,992
I don't understand. We would've made such great parents.

525
00:32:56,799 --> 00:32:58,267
Oh my God!

526
00:32:58,468 --> 00:33:00,671
- Oh my God, Teddy.
- Woo, woo what's wrong?

527
00:33:00,673 --> 00:33:02,140
Look at this.

528
00:33:02,345 --> 00:33:07,085
Dear Ted, the state of Masachusetts regrets
to inform you that due to an oversight

529
00:33:07,087 --> 00:33:09,891
regarding your legal status

530
00:33:10,226 --> 00:33:14,633
your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state

531
00:33:14,771 --> 00:33:18,176
and therefore invalid and hereby annulled.

532
00:33:18,243 --> 00:33:21,583
- Teddy, can they do this to us?
- Let me see that.

533
00:33:24,857 --> 00:33:26,392
This is a nightmare!

534
00:33:29,936 --> 00:33:32,874
- You fucking believe that?
- No, this is insane.

535
00:33:33,276 --> 00:33:35,011
Tami is the woman I love.

536
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:39,886
I would never even have tried to adopt a
dog If I had known that it was gonna cause

537
00:33:39,890 --> 00:33:41,824
- me this kind of shitstorm.
- This whole thing is comple bullshit.

538
00:33:41,826 --> 00:33:44,029
If you ask me we gotta fight it.

539
00:33:44,031 --> 00:33:46,501
- What do you mean?
- I mean we get a lawyer.

540
00:33:46,838 --> 00:33:48,908
- Oh my God, can we do that?
- Hell yeah!

541
00:33:48,910 --> 00:33:52,650
You know what we do? We get a lawyer and sue
the fucking government for your civil rights.

542
00:33:52,651 --> 00:33:54,584
Johnny, that's a great idea.

543
00:33:54,586 --> 00:33:56,656
Maybe we can get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers,

544
00:33:56,658 --> 00:34:00,532
who get shot in the head and turns around
all retired and says "What we're doing is wrong".

545
00:34:00,533 --> 00:34:04,607
Yes. We go out there and stick it to them good!
We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to.

546
00:34:05,945 --> 00:34:08,817
But we do not know any lawyer.
All our friends make sandwishes.

547
00:34:08,818 --> 00:34:10,819
We just google Boston lawyers.

548
00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:14,827
Jesus, look at that black cock.

549
00:34:36,543 --> 00:34:38,880
This is a very complicated case you have here.

550
00:34:39,683 --> 00:34:44,292
Most civil rights cases are,
but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.

551
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:46,562
Well everybody says you're the best in town.

552
00:34:46,764 --> 00:34:50,037
Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap.

553
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:52,573
What is your financial situation?

554
00:34:52,642 --> 00:34:55,717
All of our holdings are tied up in the railroad.

555
00:34:55,785 --> 00:34:58,388
Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O
Railroad, Pennsylvanian Railroad.

556
00:34:58,390 --> 00:35:03,100
We're working on short line, I own atlantic avenue.

557
00:35:03,103 --> 00:35:04,800
And I have 4 houses on Baltic Ave.
I'm thinking about just tear them down and build a hotel.

558
00:35:04,803 --> 00:35:07,943
I won second prize at a beauty contest, thats $50 right there.

559
00:35:07,944 --> 00:35:10,012
Are you guys just saying monolpoy stuff?

560
00:35:10,014 --> 00:35:13,020
I'm gonna drive around the block and I'll be back with $200.

561
00:35:13,021 --> 00:35:14,689
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

562
00:35:15,291 --> 00:35:19,967
My niece has just passed the bar exam, and I
hired her on as junior associate here with the firm.

563
00:35:20,103 --> 00:35:23,107
I can assign her to your case pro-bono.

564
00:35:23,177 --> 00:35:28,050
Then you would get a hungry young attorney
and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return.

565
00:35:28,588 --> 00:35:29,922
So what do you say to that?

566
00:35:29,923 --> 00:35:31,991
Yeah, sure, it sounds great.

567
00:35:32,795 --> 00:35:35,266
Are those high candies just to take?

568
00:35:35,871 --> 00:35:37,738
Those arn't supposed to be out.

569
00:35:48,498 --> 00:35:50,365
Hello?

570
00:35:50,366 --> 00:35:51,967
Fuck!

571
00:35:52,905 --> 00:35:54,507
- Hi.
- Are you okay?

572
00:35:54,510 --> 00:35:57,914
Yeah, Im fine.
You must be Ted.

573
00:35:57,915 --> 00:36:01,188
- Yes, I'm Ted, this is my buddy John.
- Hi!

574
00:36:01,189 --> 00:36:04,796
My uncle says that you guys are my first clients.

575
00:36:04,865 --> 00:36:07,669
Well yeah, it's been discussed but, uh...

576
00:36:08,406 --> 00:36:11,878
- Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
- I'm 26 years.

577
00:36:13,349 --> 00:36:14,950
What, is that a problem?

578
00:36:14,952 --> 00:36:18,760
I just dont want my lawyer singing
frozen songs during an open argument.

579
00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:22,968
This is just a really important case. Ted has already
lost his job and his marriage has been annulled.

580
00:36:22,970 --> 00:36:25,439
I know. My uncle gave me all the details.

581
00:36:25,441 --> 00:36:29,516
Right, you see, the thing is we dont wanna take
any chances because the stakes are so significant.

582
00:36:29,517 --> 00:36:32,186
We can't just rush into anything.
We gotta make sure we do the right decision.

583
00:36:32,187 --> 00:36:34,618
We really appreciate your time, but I think
what we're probably gonna do is just...

584
00:36:34,620 --> 00:36:37,398
take a seat and get to work.

585
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,735
- We trust you completely.
- Yeah we really feel you got a lot to offer.

586
00:36:42,277 --> 00:36:45,148
Sorry. You dont mind the pot do you?
I get migraines.

587
00:36:45,149 --> 00:36:46,553
Yeah absolutely, me to.

588
00:36:46,555 --> 00:36:49,557
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in
the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

589
00:36:49,692 --> 00:36:51,628
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

590
00:36:51,630 --> 00:36:53,966
- Ted, How are you?
- Good to meet you, John.

591
00:36:54,970 --> 00:36:58,242
- Wait, what is your middle name?
- Leslie.

592
00:36:58,243 --> 00:37:01,316
Oh my God! So you are Sam L Jackson?

593
00:37:01,317 --> 00:37:03,320
That's fucking great, just like Samuel L Jackson!

594
00:37:03,322 --> 00:37:06,393
- Who is that?
- Have you seen any a movie ever?

595
00:37:06,394 --> 00:37:08,128
He's the black guy.

596
00:37:10,670 --> 00:37:12,072
The weed is really good.

597
00:37:12,074 --> 00:37:15,013
It reminds me of the train I smoked
last summer called here comes autism

598
00:37:15,014 --> 00:37:19,555
Yeah I was just gonna say it's sorta like this other badge
we had called how long has that van been there?

599
00:37:19,556 --> 00:37:22,828
No it's a new stream that my dealer
gave me called help me get home.

600
00:37:23,030 --> 00:37:25,633
I am surprised that a lawyer like you gets high.

601
00:37:25,635 --> 00:37:28,307
Are not you supposed to be fighting
the war against drugs and all that shit?

602
00:37:28,308 --> 00:37:30,512
Please, the war on drugs is a joke.

603
00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:32,784
It's just a way for the government to
inflate lawenforcement budgets

604
00:37:32,786 --> 00:37:35,923
and lock up minorities for no good reason.

605
00:37:35,924 --> 00:37:38,798
And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority.

606
00:37:38,799 --> 00:37:40,667
Yeah, no shit.

607
00:37:40,669 --> 00:37:44,006
They deny you the same rights as
everybody else just because you're different.

608
00:37:44,007 --> 00:37:46,680
And I say that's a violation of the constitution.

609
00:37:47,015 --> 00:37:49,417
So what do you say? Can you get me my life back?

610
00:37:52,828 --> 00:37:54,428
I'm gonna try.

611
00:37:55,166 --> 00:37:58,637
Guys, I'm having some troubles over here.

612
00:37:58,841 --> 00:38:01,110
What's the matter?

613
00:38:01,111 --> 00:38:02,871
Can you help me get home?

614
00:38:03,917 --> 00:38:08,124
- I'm having a real hard time!
- It's okay, buddy. You are right.

615
00:38:08,126 --> 00:38:11,799
- I'm scared!
- It's okay, it's okay.

616
00:38:11,802 --> 00:38:13,602
You just have to hang on to the wall.

617
00:38:14,741 --> 00:38:16,142
Someone is going to get me!

618
00:38:16,143 --> 00:38:18,077
How far away do you live?

619
00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:20,217
About a mile and a half.

620
00:38:20,218 --> 00:38:24,055
Hey, it's okey.

621
00:38:33,779 --> 00:38:38,856
Alright, I got Dred Scott vs Sandford,
Plessy vs Ferguson and Brown vs board of education

622
00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:43,467
I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs Predator,
and Freddy vs Jason.

623
00:38:43,469 --> 00:38:46,540
I got the Ernest goes to camp,
Ernest goes to jail and...

624
00:38:46,541 --> 00:38:49,814
The importance of being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.

625
00:39:11,459 --> 00:39:13,395
Okay, I'll ask you some test
questions, are you ready?

626
00:39:13,397 --> 00:39:14,466
Yep, bring it on.

627
00:39:14,468 --> 00:39:18,608
You're on the stand, the D.A says:
Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?

628
00:39:18,609 --> 00:39:19,745
- Objection.
- Sustained.

629
00:39:19,747 --> 00:39:21,214
No, the witness can't object.

630
00:39:21,215 --> 00:39:22,883
- Overruled? Guilty, so it is.
- Speculation.

631
00:39:22,885 --> 00:39:25,023
List of payments. Come here. Briefcase. My chambers.

632
00:39:25,025 --> 00:39:26,691
- Stop beaver on the witness.
- I rest.

633
00:39:26,692 --> 00:39:28,426
We can totally be lawyers.

634
00:41:01,895 --> 00:41:05,969
Your name is Toby.
You're going to learn to say your name.

635
00:41:06,171 --> 00:41:08,406
Let me hear you say it.

636
00:41:08,642 --> 00:41:11,180
What's your name?

637
00:41:11,182 --> 00:41:13,517
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.

638
00:41:14,187 --> 00:41:16,990
It's just like me.
That's exctly what I'm going through.

639
00:41:17,530 --> 00:41:18,929
Well, it''s a little different.

640
00:41:18,930 --> 00:41:23,004
You know Ted, if you legally becomes a person,
you're gonna need a name last name.

641
00:41:23,409 --> 00:41:24,874
Oh yeah you're right.

642
00:41:25,212 --> 00:41:26,611
Okay...I got one.

643
00:41:26,612 --> 00:41:27,681
Okay what is it?

644
00:41:27,683 --> 00:41:29,552
Clubberlang.

645
00:41:29,553 --> 00:41:31,154
Who is Clubberlang?

646
00:41:31,357 --> 00:41:34,280
- Who is Clubberlang?
- The character of Mr. T, in Rocky 3.

647
00:41:34,897 --> 00:41:36,285
Is that from boxing movies?

648
00:41:36,287 --> 00:41:39,040
The boxing movies? You've never seen Rocky?

649
00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:41,444
You've never seen Rocky? You know ...

650
00:41:45,623 --> 00:41:46,673
You know, Rocky!

651
00:41:46,674 --> 00:41:50,397
I'm not gonna remember a movie I havn't seen just
because you're singing a song I don't know.

652
00:41:50,398 --> 00:41:54,805
You do not know Samuel L. Jackson.
You don't know Rocky.. You are literally pop culture.

653
00:41:54,807 --> 00:41:58,815
I have a college degree, my popcultur references
are Hamlet and Achilles and Dorian Gray.

654
00:41:58,817 --> 00:42:00,286
Never heard of any of them?

655
00:42:00,287 --> 00:42:02,821
No, but I'm pretty sure Mister T could kick their ass.

656
00:42:02,823 --> 00:42:05,562
- Yeah, you really need to be educated.
- Oh really?

657
00:42:06,365 --> 00:42:09,303
Can either of you tell me who
wrote The Great Gatsby?

658
00:42:09,573 --> 00:42:10,707
- Judy Vaughn?
- Hitler?

659
00:42:10,708 --> 00:42:11,975
F. Scott Fitzgerald.

660
00:42:11,977 --> 00:42:13,445
Who's that?

661
00:42:13,581 --> 00:42:14,647
The author.

662
00:42:14,649 --> 00:42:16,519
- Why are you saying fuck him?
- What?

663
00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:20,192
You just said F Scott Fitzgerald,
what did Scott Fizgerald ever do to you?

664
00:42:20,194 --> 00:42:22,131
No, that's his first name.

665
00:42:22,133 --> 00:42:25,137
. His name is Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
- What? No!

666
00:42:25,138 --> 00:42:27,408
- Then what does the F stands for?
- Francis!

667
00:42:27,410 --> 00:42:30,750
- No, it gotta be fuck.
- It must be.

668
00:42:30,751 --> 00:42:32,021
Why the hell would it be Fuck?

669
00:42:32,022 --> 00:42:35,426
- Because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
- Yeah, he is hiding something. It's Fuck.

670
00:42:35,428 --> 00:42:37,229
- Read between the lines.
- It's fucked.

671
00:42:37,230 --> 00:42:39,366
This is completely insane.
You guys are idiots.

672
00:42:39,368 --> 00:42:42,439
Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Cubberlang, get used to it.

673
00:42:48,456 --> 00:42:49,922
Yes?

674
00:42:53,332 --> 00:42:55,800
Sir? One of the janitors would like to see you.

675
00:42:56,005 --> 00:42:57,470
I'm busy.

676
00:42:57,541 --> 00:42:59,142
Fresh cakes.

677
00:43:00,012 --> 00:43:01,213
What is it Danny?

678
00:43:01,215 --> 00:43:04,288
- Donny sir.
- Well Donny, I'm extremely busy

679
00:43:04,289 --> 00:43:05,958
with the comic con presentation

680
00:43:05,959 --> 00:43:10,966
I'm told you have an open door policy here at Hasbro
for new toy ideas from any and all employees.

681
00:43:12,038 --> 00:43:13,771
Yeah, I suppose that's true.

682
00:43:15,044 --> 00:43:16,512
Alright, come in.

683
00:43:16,515 --> 00:43:20,654
Okay. Thank you, I love your dress.

684
00:43:26,871 --> 00:43:30,741
Mr. Jessup I make this company a billion dollars.

685
00:43:31,011 --> 00:43:32,479
I'm listening...

686
00:43:33,284 --> 00:43:38,827
30 years ago a little boy named John Bennett
made a wish that his teddy bear would come to life.

687
00:43:39,296 --> 00:43:43,101
- Somehow, one of our Hasbro...
- Yes, I know the story.

688
00:43:45,441 --> 00:43:47,410
Have you seen this?

689
00:43:52,123 --> 00:43:53,791
So what?

690
00:43:53,793 --> 00:43:56,599
Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights.

691
00:43:56,601 --> 00:44:02,612
If he loses, the state will officially declare him
a non entity with no rights under the law.

692
00:44:03,245 --> 00:44:07,166
That means he becomes property.
Mr Jessup.

693
00:44:07,622 --> 00:44:13,367
We can take him back with only a trivial degree
of legal consequenses, if we were even caught.

694
00:44:13,569 --> 00:44:15,371
And why would we do this?

695
00:44:15,372 --> 00:44:20,114
Sir, if we can cut him open to see what makes him tick

696
00:44:20,116 --> 00:44:24,926
we can manufacture millions of Teds
for every child in the world.

697
00:44:24,928 --> 00:44:26,995
Hasbro will double it's profits over night.

698
00:44:28,467 --> 00:44:29,668
Go on.

699
00:44:29,669 --> 00:44:32,139
We just have to make sure that Ted loses the case.

700
00:44:32,141 --> 00:44:36,616
You use every back channel, every bribe,
you call in every favour

701
00:44:36,618 --> 00:44:41,223
and you get the best lawyer
in the world on defence.

702
00:44:41,828 --> 00:44:47,905
When Teds rights are officially nulled,
we grab him!

703
00:44:49,112 --> 00:44:51,982
No one's gonna kick up a legal fuss over property.

704
00:44:53,119 --> 00:44:57,993
- You are hell of a lot smarter than your urinal case Danny.
-  Really?

705
00:44:57,995 --> 00:45:03,539
- Now what exactly do you want from this?
- Mr Jessup, I'm not interested in money.

706
00:45:06,213 --> 00:45:08,615
I just want a Ted of my very own.

707
00:45:09,755 --> 00:45:12,492
Alright. I think I can handle the defense.

708
00:45:13,828 --> 00:45:15,697
But let's make one thing clear.

709
00:45:15,699 --> 00:45:21,043
We never had this conversation. Goldner and the
board cannot know about this until we have him.

710
00:45:21,379 --> 00:45:23,783
- Do you understand?
- Yes I do.

711
00:45:27,793 --> 00:45:30,396
I need shep wild.

712
00:45:33,304 --> 00:45:35,338
That was such a good dinner.

713
00:45:35,341 --> 00:45:37,211
I've never had pringles on my steak before.

714
00:45:37,346 --> 00:45:41,019
It's my pleasure. Imean, it's the least
I can do with all you do for us, really.

715
00:45:41,956 --> 00:45:43,958
Well I havn't done anything yet.

716
00:45:44,295 --> 00:45:46,295
We wanted to take you out to dinner, but ..

717
00:45:46,701 --> 00:45:50,039
we only got Tamis income now
since no one will hire me.

718
00:45:50,105 --> 00:45:51,642
Things are getting really tight huh?

719
00:45:51,644 --> 00:45:53,913
Yeah, i've had to do things I'm not proud of.

720
00:45:53,915 --> 00:45:59,794
Bj:s here, hot bj:s just $3.

721
00:45:59,795 --> 00:46:02,866
Bj:s here.

722
00:46:03,868 --> 00:46:07,276
Hey listen, I got an idea. Tami, what do
you say me and you go and do the dishes?

723
00:46:07,277 --> 00:46:10,147
And give Sam and Diane here some alone time?

724
00:46:10,951 --> 00:46:12,753
Alright, alright.

725
00:46:13,088 --> 00:46:15,157
Hey you pulled that bed back bitch.

726
00:46:17,033 --> 00:46:18,041
What do you think that was about?

727
00:46:18,042 --> 00:46:21,904
It's nothing. It's his way of saying
that I should ask you out.

728
00:46:23,975 --> 00:46:25,447
- Look ...
- We should propbably focus our attention to the case.

729
00:46:26,449 --> 00:46:28,250
I completely agree.

730
00:46:29,356 --> 00:46:32,594
You know, I am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you isn't attached?

731
00:46:34,733 --> 00:46:38,074
Well, I was married.
It just didn't work out.

732
00:46:38,342 --> 00:46:41,147
- Shit, I'm sorry. That sucks.
- No.

733
00:46:41,749 --> 00:46:47,294
We made it work day by day but she was
just trying to change me into something I'm not.

734
00:46:47,897 --> 00:46:49,364
And I tried, you know.

735
00:46:50,101 --> 00:46:52,905
I tried everything I could to be
the man that she wanted.

736
00:46:54,376 --> 00:46:57,447
One day I woke up and just realized
I wasn't myself anymore.

737
00:46:58,652 --> 00:47:02,392
You know, as much as I loved this person,
we were completely wrong for eachother.

738
00:47:03,598 --> 00:47:05,398
At least you figured it out early.

739
00:47:05,934 --> 00:47:09,339
Some people tgo through their whole lives
trying to make it work with the wrong person.

740
00:47:12,482 --> 00:47:14,016
So...are we gonna win this thing?

741
00:47:14,484 --> 00:47:16,021
Honestly, I don't know.

742
00:47:16,757 --> 00:47:18,159
We're betting on you.

743
00:47:18,895 --> 00:47:21,498
Johnny, come on, it's almost seven o'clock.
We gotta get up there.

744
00:47:21,501 --> 00:47:23,169
Hey Sam, do you want in on this?

745
00:47:23,305 --> 00:47:24,640
- What is it?
- Oh on Tuesday night we get fucked up

746
00:47:24,642 --> 00:47:26,576
and threw apples at joggers.

747
00:47:31,321 --> 00:47:33,992
Oh, there's one.

748
00:47:33,993 --> 00:47:36,597
- Hey! How's the workout?
- Fuck you!

749
00:47:36,599 --> 00:47:40,406
- What the hell is your problem?
- Take an apple.

750
00:47:40,408 --> 00:47:45,617
You sons of bitches.

751
00:47:48,624 --> 00:47:53,499
- That's the lottery, that's the lottery!
- That's what you get for fucking exercising.

752
00:48:29,712 --> 00:48:31,113
Teddy?

753
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:34,988
- Teddy, I'm scared.
- Baby, we're gonna be fine.

754
00:48:34,990 --> 00:48:38,464
I don't care what any fucking
piece of paper says, you are my wife.

755
00:48:38,904 --> 00:48:40,506
I love you so much!

756
00:48:40,870 --> 00:48:43,674
And I swear to God that if we lose
I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.

757
00:48:43,675 --> 00:48:45,411
Wait a minute, did you brought your switchblade?

758
00:48:45,413 --> 00:48:47,816
- Yeah.
- But they padded os down on the way in.

759
00:48:47,818 --> 00:48:51,720
Where did you even hide it?

760
00:48:51,893 --> 00:48:53,227
Hey Sam!

761
00:48:53,229 --> 00:48:55,096
Who's that butthole over there?

762
00:48:57,371 --> 00:49:02,311
That's why we have been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild. It's our bad luck they put him on the trial.

763
00:49:02,917 --> 00:49:05,252
He's never lost a case in his life.

764
00:49:05,321 --> 00:49:08,327
Mr. Wild, your opening
statement if you will please.

765
00:49:09,330 --> 00:49:10,932
Thank you your honor.

766
00:49:11,802 --> 00:49:14,684
I would first like to thank the ladies
and gentlemen of the jury

767
00:49:15,007 --> 00:49:17,476
for taking time from their busy schedules,

768
00:49:17,814 --> 00:49:19,817
to be a part of this proceding.

769
00:49:20,354 --> 00:49:28,678
Now, the case we're examining today really
is quite a simple one. Is Ted a human being?

770
00:49:28,770 --> 00:49:30,775
Or a piece of property?

771
00:49:31,110 --> 00:49:37,385
You know? It really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.

772
00:49:37,925 --> 00:49:41,529
It is a gift from God, bestowed
upon only one species...

773
00:49:41,865 --> 00:49:43,668
Us.

774
00:49:43,737 --> 00:49:47,341
But if we suddenly decide to share that gift,
where does that lead us?

775
00:49:47,410 --> 00:49:51,951
Does your dog deserve human rights?

776
00:49:51,953 --> 00:49:53,421
Your cat?

777
00:49:53,423 --> 00:49:55,225
Your toaster?

778
00:49:57,899 --> 00:50:03,238
Suddenly being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?

779
00:50:03,243 --> 00:50:05,511
I'm confident you'll make the right decision.

780
00:50:06,185 --> 00:50:08,988
Thank you Mr. Wild, for your opening statement.

781
00:50:09,390 --> 00:50:10,924
Miss Jackson ...

782
00:50:16,272 --> 00:50:17,939
Hi!

783
00:50:18,410 --> 00:50:22,751
I'm Samantha Jackson,
and I gotta be honest with you.

784
00:50:23,888 --> 00:50:25,821
I'm a little nervous ...

785
00:50:26,427 --> 00:50:28,093
Why am I nervous?

786
00:50:29,032 --> 00:50:32,268
Well not because I'm a junior
atterny arguing her first case.

787
00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:37,049
And not because some of you might laugh
at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear.

788
00:50:40,256 --> 00:50:45,198
No, I'm nervous
because of one simple word.

789
00:50:47,070 --> 00:50:48,939
Justice.

790
00:50:49,475 --> 00:50:55,486
I'm nervous that you're going
to be swaved by smooth talk

791
00:50:56,091 --> 00:51:02,020
and a haircut and forget about
the most important aspect to this case.

792
00:51:02,837 --> 00:51:04,973
Justice!

793
00:51:05,912 --> 00:51:09,405
150 years ago, a slave by the name Dred Scott

794
00:51:09,603 --> 00:51:12,900
sued to prove he was a person and not a piece of property

795
00:51:13,629 --> 00:51:15,296
He lost.

796
00:51:15,832 --> 00:51:19,438
And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice.

797
00:51:21,577 --> 00:51:24,516
In every civil rights conflict we are only able to

798
00:51:24,986 --> 00:51:31,531
recognize the just point of view
years after the facts.

799
00:51:31,601 --> 00:51:37,542
And when the next conflict comes along,
we are once again blind to it as it's happening.

800
00:51:37,813 --> 00:51:41,554
Well, this is different, but it isn't.

801
00:51:42,491 --> 00:51:47,699
It's the same beast with different face,
cand it's happening again today.

802
00:51:48,973 --> 00:51:55,585
So I urge you ladies and gentlemen of the jury
to not be a foot note on the wrong side of history.

803
00:51:58,059 --> 00:52:00,529
Don't wait to long to be right.

804
00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:03,336
Thank You.

805
00:52:06,947 --> 00:52:09,483
- Erection.
- Sustained.

806
00:52:12,491 --> 00:52:16,229
Miss McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child, is that correct?

807
00:52:16,232 --> 00:52:18,434
Yeah.

808
00:52:18,436 --> 00:52:21,777
And if I may inquire, why did you not
choose to have a child of your own?

809
00:52:22,646 --> 00:52:24,582
Cause Teddy aint got no dick.

810
00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:32,264
And why does Ted not posess a...

811
00:52:32,803 --> 00:52:35,741
Male appendix? Is it a freak of genetics?

812
00:52:35,809 --> 00:52:39,282
No asshole, he aint got a dick cause
he's a fucking toy. So what's your excuse?

813
00:52:39,952 --> 00:52:41,220
Take a burn!

814
00:52:41,222 --> 00:52:43,544
Yeah how does your tongue taste in your own ass Poindexter.

815
00:52:43,826 --> 00:52:45,228
Yes! What?

816
00:52:45,230 --> 00:52:47,166
Order!

817
00:52:48,169 --> 00:52:49,637
Mr Bennet?

818
00:52:49,705 --> 00:52:53,179
How would you categorize your relationship with Ted?

819
00:52:53,781 --> 00:52:55,518
He's my best friend!

820
00:52:55,651 --> 00:52:59,192
- So you don't see him as your property?
- He's not my property.

821
00:52:59,262 --> 00:53:04,538
He's a person. He's way more person than alot
of other people. I mean, fucking Steven Tayla?

822
00:53:04,540 --> 00:53:07,077
What the fuck is that? Some kind of
weird soccermom looking goonie monster?

823
00:53:07,278 --> 00:53:09,214
- Your honor!
- I'll allow it.

824
00:53:09,284 --> 00:53:13,185
Thank you, Your Honor.
Your witness.

825
00:53:16,098 --> 00:53:18,098
Mr Bennet?

826
00:53:18,234 --> 00:53:20,639
When and where did you first encounter Ted?

827
00:53:21,041 --> 00:53:23,924
What do you mean?
My parents got him for me when I was a kid.

828
00:53:24,516 --> 00:53:26,451
Aha, they got him.

829
00:53:27,122 --> 00:53:29,123
Where did they get him?

830
00:53:31,399 --> 00:53:33,401
From a toy store.

831
00:53:33,403 --> 00:53:36,148
-Im sorry, I couldn't here that. Can you repeat?
- From a toy store. You fucking heard me!

832
00:53:36,150 --> 00:53:37,810
There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennet.

833
00:53:37,811 --> 00:53:40,350
Why? Nobody here likes you?
I saw you eat lunch alone. You're a loser!

834
00:53:40,352 --> 00:53:41,753
Your honor?

835
00:53:41,754 --> 00:53:43,690
- Mr Bennett!
- I hope that your kids get bird flu.

836
00:53:43,692 --> 00:53:45,829
- Mr. Benett!
- I'm sorry!

837
00:53:45,830 --> 00:53:49,304
Now, you said your parents purchased Ted.

838
00:53:49,306 --> 00:53:52,911
As one might purchase a baseboll glove or a big wheel.

839
00:53:52,912 --> 00:53:54,780
- It's not like that!
- Objection!

840
00:53:54,784 --> 00:53:57,722
- You can't do that.
- You know what? This is bullshit!

841
00:53:57,724 --> 00:54:00,997
This guy is telling me
I'm not as good as other people.

842
00:54:00,998 --> 00:54:03,402
And that's exactly what you've been doing to the fags.

843
00:54:03,403 --> 00:54:05,205
- Ted!
- Sorry, the homos.

844
00:54:05,207 --> 00:54:08,746
This is exactly what he has been doing
with homos, and I say that is wrong!

845
00:54:08,748 --> 00:54:12,219
Miss Jackson, please control your client
or i'll hold you both contempt of court.

846
00:54:12,220 --> 00:54:14,358
Piss off.

847
00:54:14,359 --> 00:54:19,016
I'm standing up for myself, and I'm
standing up for the homos, we deserve respect.

848
00:54:19,018 --> 00:54:23,742
- Ted, shut up!
- Fine.

849
00:54:29,994 --> 00:54:32,600
Your honor, I would like to call
Ted Clubberlang to the stand.

850
00:54:32,601 --> 00:54:35,872
Yes! My turn assholes.

851
00:54:41,086 --> 00:54:45,025
- Ted, do you love your wife?
- Objection!

852
00:54:45,362 --> 00:54:48,900
- She's not his wife. The marriage was anulled.
- I rephrase.

853
00:54:49,705 --> 00:54:51,706
Do you love Tami-Lynn?

854
00:54:51,910 --> 00:54:53,844
I love my wife.

855
00:54:54,381 --> 00:54:57,519
Okay my wife! more than anything in the world.

856
00:54:57,521 --> 00:54:59,190
We're married, I do not care what anyone says.

857
00:54:59,192 --> 00:55:02,798
So you're saying you are capable of feeling love?

858
00:55:04,736 --> 00:55:07,744
Yeah. Hey, it must be weird for you guys
to have a doll up here in the stand

859
00:55:07,746 --> 00:55:10,484
with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him.

860
00:55:12,156 --> 00:55:15,694
Um no yeah, I am capable of love and other stuff.

861
00:55:16,164 --> 00:55:20,505
Ted? Do you believe you have a soul?

862
00:55:21,708 --> 00:55:24,246
What did you think,

863
00:55:24,448 --> 00:55:27,386
I would do at this moment

864
00:55:27,456 --> 00:55:30,394
when you're still before me

865
00:55:30,395 --> 00:55:33,266
with tears in your eyes.

866
00:55:33,869 --> 00:55:36,873
- Does that answer your question?
- Objection, Your Honor.

867
00:55:37,009 --> 00:55:39,277
Overruled.

868
00:55:39,414 --> 00:55:41,483
What it is man.

869
00:55:42,087 --> 00:55:44,157
- Ted?
- Right, sorry.

870
00:55:45,361 --> 00:55:52,175
Look, I'm not a scientist. Okay?
I don't know exactly what makes a person a person

871
00:55:52,512 --> 00:55:57,317
All I know is I feel stuff.
Just like all you guys,

872
00:55:57,922 --> 00:56:00,191
and I don't think I want to be trated any different.

873
00:56:04,404 --> 00:56:06,675
Capable of love.

874
00:56:07,077 --> 00:56:09,346
Aware of his own consciousness.

875
00:56:12,019 --> 00:56:16,159
It seems pretty human to me.
No further questions.

876
00:56:17,231 --> 00:56:23,578
Mr Kidder, you were an employee at
Hasbro for 1976 to 1998, is that correct?

877
00:56:23,580 --> 00:56:25,983
Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears.

878
00:56:26,253 --> 00:56:30,391
- And what is that stuffing made off?
- Synthetic cotton, poly blend.

879
00:56:30,528 --> 00:56:34,268
- Is there anything else in there?
- The bear products are affixed with

880
00:56:34,269 --> 00:56:38,076
an electronic device in the chest.
Wich can be programmed

881
00:56:38,078 --> 00:56:40,281
To say anyone of five phrases.

882
00:56:45,495 --> 00:56:47,161
Ted...

883
00:56:47,565 --> 00:56:49,835
Would you please press your chest?

884
00:56:51,506 --> 00:56:53,242
What?

885
00:56:53,244 --> 00:56:56,115
Please follow the instructions, Mr. Clubberlang.

886
00:57:00,995 --> 00:57:03,533
I love you!

887
00:57:12,954 --> 00:57:15,223
No further questions.

888
00:57:17,365 --> 00:57:19,903
Also on the news, a petty
court case is beginning to get

889
00:57:19,904 --> 00:57:23,042
national attention for it's civil rights ramification.

890
00:57:23,043 --> 00:57:27,318
Ted the bear, who some of you may remember,
came to life back in the mid eighties

891
00:57:27,319 --> 00:57:31,996
right here in Boston, is suing to prove he is indeed a person.

892
00:57:31,997 --> 00:57:34,468
Well, so...what are we even talking about here?

893
00:57:34,470 --> 00:57:39,542
What we are talking about is a civil rights issue.

894
00:57:39,543 --> 00:57:41,347
- This bear has rights.
- Oh, please, it's a toy.

895
00:57:41,349 --> 00:57:43,486
Then why are you calling it a he?

896
00:57:43,487 --> 00:57:48,232
Look, we call it the Statue of Liberty a she but
we all know it's an object made of copper and steel.

897
00:57:48,233 --> 00:57:52,843
Yes, but she isn't consciouss or sentient, he is.

898
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:57,451
Come on, are you really going to sit there
and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person?

899
00:57:57,452 --> 00:57:58,387
- Not at all.

900
00:57:58,389 --> 00:57:59,857
We all agree, all the time.

901
00:57:59,859 --> 00:58:02,864
I do not think he should
want to be considered a person,

902
00:58:02,865 --> 00:58:05,871
After all, Ted spent many years
sleeping and cuddling with a child.

903
00:58:05,872 --> 00:58:10,280
That's cute when you're a stuffed animal,
if you're a person it's a felony.

904
00:58:11,819 --> 00:58:15,023
Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense?

905
00:58:15,224 --> 00:58:19,499
I am not an animal!

906
00:58:23,108 --> 00:58:26,913
You see your honor? He is not an animal.

907
00:58:34,470 --> 00:58:37,272
I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'm on my period.

908
00:58:37,541 --> 00:58:42,049
And live from New York with "Saturday Night"!

909
00:59:00,526 --> 00:59:04,265
- What is taking them so long?
- IIs it bad that they're taking this long?

910
00:59:04,269 --> 00:59:07,872
It's not good nor bad, it just means
they're probably having a debate.

911
00:59:07,942 --> 00:59:10,346
Johny, you know it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.

912
00:59:10,347 --> 00:59:13,352
- What do you mean?
- I mean, say his name three times..

913
00:59:13,353 --> 00:59:14,956
- What?
- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

914
00:59:14,958 --> 00:59:16,693
Shut up.

915
00:59:16,763 --> 00:59:19,500
Are you fucking crazy? We don't want
that guy running around in here.

916
00:59:19,501 --> 00:59:21,170
No Johnny, he'll be on our side. He'll help us.

917
00:59:21,172 --> 00:59:23,507
- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
- Hey, you're meddling with powers

918
00:59:23,508 --> 00:59:25,714
you don't understand. Cut the shit.

919
00:59:38,009 --> 00:59:40,145
Please be seating.

920
00:59:41,951 --> 00:59:47,726
Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict?
Yes we have Your Honor.

921
00:59:47,764 --> 00:59:51,435
In the case of Ted vs
the common wealth of Massachusetts

922
00:59:51,572 --> 00:59:57,648
We the jury, find for the common
wealth that Ted is not a person.

923
01:00:09,412 --> 01:00:10,879
Very well!

924
01:00:10,881 --> 01:00:13,886
The defendant here is hereby legally deemed property.

925
01:00:13,888 --> 01:00:16,558
The definition entails the rights there of

926
01:00:16,628 --> 01:00:20,499
and I will be recognized in the terms
set by the state of Massachusetts.

927
01:00:21,639 --> 01:00:24,777
The court wishes to thank the jury for it's service.

928
01:00:31,860 --> 01:00:33,796
Are you sure you can get him?

929
01:00:33,931 --> 01:00:37,939
Remember. You're on your own out there.
Hasbro can have no connection to this.

930
01:00:37,941 --> 01:00:40,010
I'll get him.

931
01:00:40,012 --> 01:00:42,750
And when I have him I'll call you with the code phrase.

932
01:00:43,553 --> 01:00:46,827
- Do you remember what it is?
- Yes, I remember.

933
01:00:46,828 --> 01:00:48,829
- Can you say it, just for safety?
- That's not ...

934
01:00:48,831 --> 01:00:50,099
- Say it.
- I will not!

935
01:00:50,101 --> 01:00:51,368
- Say it.
- Do I have to.

936
01:00:51,369 --> 01:00:53,038
- Say it!
- Fresh cakes.

937
01:00:53,375 --> 01:00:55,578
Fresh cakes.

938
01:01:03,531 --> 01:01:07,068
This isn't fucking fair. Ted is a good man.

939
01:01:07,674 --> 01:01:10,344
Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?

940
01:01:11,014 --> 01:01:14,285
It's what this country does best.
Putting different people

941
01:01:14,287 --> 01:01:17,628
in little groups and make them
watch Tyler Perry. That's wrong!

942
01:01:19,031 --> 01:01:22,505
- I'm so sorry, baby.
- No, I'm sorry, I thought

943
01:01:22,507 --> 01:01:24,440
I'd built a better case.

944
01:01:24,444 --> 01:01:27,651
It's just that the reality that
you have a really shitty lawyer.

945
01:01:27,652 --> 01:01:28,985
Hey, come on.

946
01:01:28,987 --> 01:01:31,323
No one is blaming you,
at least you did everything you could.

947
01:01:31,926 --> 01:01:33,996
I'm just sitting here and ...

948
01:01:34,667 --> 01:01:37,872
- I can not believe it's official.
- So what are we gonna do know?

949
01:01:38,141 --> 01:01:40,878
We can't take this and lie down.
We gotta do something.

950
01:01:41,681 --> 01:01:44,551
You know what we're gonna do?
We'ew gonna call Patrick Meighan.

951
01:01:45,022 --> 01:01:48,896
- Who is that?
- He's the top civil rights attorney in America.

952
01:01:48,898 --> 01:01:51,436
Wait, tis he the one that got
that female midget into the marines?

953
01:01:51,437 --> 01:01:53,641
Yes, that had a sad ending though.

954
01:01:53,642 --> 01:01:55,178
You remember she was in a veteran state parade

955
01:01:55,180 --> 01:01:57,902
when someone handed her a
bunch of ballons, pffft gone.

956
01:01:58,118 --> 01:02:02,192
- That's verery sad, very sad for the family.
- If anyone can get this verdict overturned it's him.

957
01:02:02,194 --> 01:02:06,266
He's not cheap but we have become
such a high profile case I feel like

958
01:02:06,267 --> 01:02:10,076
he might take the case pro bono.

959
01:02:12,690 --> 01:02:13,817
He's a sucker for media.

960
01:02:13,819 --> 01:02:17,623
- Hey Johnny, how about a beer?
- Yeah, it's a good idea.

961
01:02:18,096 --> 01:02:20,968
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.

962
01:02:20,969 --> 01:02:24,240
I'm defending Ted Clubberlang
in Ted vs Massachusetts.

963
01:02:26,313 --> 01:02:30,053
Hi, Mr. Meighan, thank you so much for taking my call.

964
01:02:31,792 --> 01:02:34,728
Oh, you have been following the case?
That's great.

965
01:02:35,734 --> 01:02:37,803
Yes, that's actually why I'm calling.

966
01:02:37,806 --> 01:02:43,616
Yeah, I was wondering if maybe you could
consider helping us try to overturn the verdict.

967
01:02:45,758 --> 01:02:48,095
Well, yeah, I mean, it would have
to be a pro bono situation

968
01:02:48,628 --> 01:02:51,767
because we're really not working with much money,

969
01:02:52,170 --> 01:02:54,774
but I think you will be impressed with my client.

970
01:02:55,109 --> 01:02:57,379
- Aha mother fucker!
- Sure!

971
01:02:57,518 --> 01:03:00,656
Yeah, great. Okay, thank you so much.

972
01:03:00,790 --> 01:03:03,863
Okay, I'll see you then.
Bye.

973
01:03:03,865 --> 01:03:08,207
Oh my God. He said he'll meet with us on
friday at 9:am at his office in New York.

974
01:03:08,274 --> 01:03:11,745
- Is he gonna take the case?
- I don't wanna jinx it but I think so.

975
01:03:11,746 --> 01:03:13,749
Oh my God, did you hear that Johny?

976
01:03:13,751 --> 01:03:17,090
- I still got a shot!
- Oh my God, we gotta celebrate!

977
01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:19,497
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Let's go down to the improve

978
01:03:19,498 --> 01:03:21,635
- And yell out suggestions?
- Fuck yeah!

979
01:03:21,837 --> 01:03:23,973
So first we need a historical event.

980
01:03:23,974 --> 01:03:25,977
- Who's got an event?
- 9/11!

981
01:03:26,113 --> 01:03:30,388
Okay, okay..maybe something else.
Let's start with a person.

982
01:03:30,389 --> 01:03:33,327
- Robbie Williams!
- Okay, alright, for real guys.

983
01:03:33,395 --> 01:03:37,002
- Seriously, who's got a person?
- Robbie Williams or 9/11

984
01:03:37,004 --> 01:03:41,077
Alright we heard from these guys.
Lets give someone over her a chance.

985
01:03:41,547 --> 01:03:43,417
How about a location?
Come up with a location.

986
01:03:43,419 --> 01:03:46,689
- The offices of Callie Hepto.
- Seriously sir, I just need a location.

987
01:03:46,691 --> 01:03:49,895
Ferguson in Missouri.

988
01:03:49,899 --> 01:03:53,170
- Germanwings cocktail.
- Okay, I heard Starbucks!

989
01:03:53,172 --> 01:03:55,108
- No you did not.
- Nobody said Starbucks!

990
01:03:55,110 --> 01:03:59,451
- Who is in the Starbucks?
- Bill Cosby!

991
01:03:59,519 --> 01:04:01,454
You people are monsters!

992
01:04:01,791 --> 01:04:04,328
We are giving you the tools buddy.
Make some fucking comedy.

993
01:04:15,421 --> 01:04:17,489
Alrigh, we'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

994
01:04:17,625 --> 01:04:19,294
I love you so much Teddy.

995
01:04:19,697 --> 01:04:23,234
You go kick some ass, because I am
not taking of this wedding ring.

996
01:04:23,506 --> 01:04:26,378
I love you too baby, I'll see you soon.

997
01:05:21,368 --> 01:05:24,306
Hey Sam why do you have a double bag that says Arizona state?

998
01:05:24,308 --> 01:05:27,644
- Because that's where I went to school.
- You went to  Arizona state?

999
01:05:27,914 --> 01:05:31,253
- Yeah, why?
- Oh man, that's why we lost the case.

1000
01:05:31,255 --> 01:05:32,523
- I know.
- You're dicks.

1001
01:05:32,524 --> 01:05:35,863
Arizona state. How many times have
you been fucked on a house ball?

1002
01:05:38,404 --> 01:05:40,139
- Oh, come on!
- Did you write your dissertation about

1003
01:05:40,142 --> 01:05:42,044
the collective work of Red Bull?

1004
01:05:43,016 --> 01:05:46,285
- Yes, I did, I got an A.
- So you say Arizona State University

1005
01:05:46,287 --> 01:05:49,361
or do you just say HPPU?

1006
01:05:53,773 --> 01:05:56,710
This is perfect. We're gonna get to the city before 10.

1007
01:05:56,712 --> 01:06:00,118
- Hey Sam, how's your boring salad?
- Oh, it's actually delicious.

1008
01:06:00,253 --> 01:06:03,658
Everybody always say that about
their salads, all a bunch of fucking liers.

1009
01:06:03,660 --> 01:06:06,599
- No, I loveit, it's really good.
- Have some cookie crisps.

1010
01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:09,471
- You need something nutritional.
- Why do you think I want your cookie crisp?

1011
01:06:09,473 --> 01:06:11,409
- Because you've been staring at it.
- No!

1012
01:06:11,411 --> 01:06:14,283
Hey, what's the deal here?
Are you guys ever gonna make out or what?

1013
01:06:14,685 --> 01:06:17,023
- Teddy, come on dude.
- No, I'm just saying.

1014
01:06:17,224 --> 01:06:22,098
You look like you're hitting it off you know.
I mean, Sam, you dig him right?

1015
01:06:23,436 --> 01:06:26,375
Hey, where the hell is my coffee?
I've been waiting for ten minutes!

1016
01:06:26,377 --> 01:06:28,582
I'm so sorry sir, I forget. I'll get it right away.

1017
01:06:28,583 --> 01:06:31,521
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets, figure it out!

1018
01:06:32,257 --> 01:06:33,994
What a prick.

1019
01:06:33,995 --> 01:06:36,799
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
cookie crisp in his ass crack.

1020
01:06:36,868 --> 01:06:39,539
Wait, let me try. I used to pitch
for the softball team at Arizona state.

1021
01:06:39,540 --> 01:06:42,412
Was that the mascot with a broken condom?

1022
01:06:42,413 --> 01:06:44,347
Shut up.

1023
01:06:46,823 --> 01:06:48,557
Who did that?

1024
01:06:48,559 --> 01:06:51,434
Oh, Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me.

1025
01:06:51,436 --> 01:06:55,372
- Now we are assholes for what you did.
- I swear to God I'll kickyour damn ass.

1026
01:06:55,375 --> 01:06:56,975
Who was it?

1027
01:06:56,977 --> 01:06:59,047
Um sir, I apologize for my 5 year old son.

1028
01:06:59,050 --> 01:07:04,326
I'm sorry for the cookie crisp in your bum bum.

1029
01:07:04,663 --> 01:07:08,335
Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay.

1030
01:07:08,472 --> 01:07:10,875
Oh my god, now we're even bigger assholes.

1031
01:07:10,876 --> 01:07:12,679
Go get my cookie crisp out of his ass.

1032
01:07:12,681 --> 01:07:14,681
Are you guys making trouble over here?

1033
01:07:14,682 --> 01:07:16,352
No mam, we're just minding our own business.

1034
01:07:16,354 --> 01:07:18,625
Well try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?

1035
01:07:18,626 --> 01:07:20,560
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

1036
01:07:20,565 --> 01:07:23,035
Ah good.

1037
01:07:23,505 --> 01:07:26,073
- I would just like the check, thanks.
- Of course.

1038
01:07:28,982 --> 01:07:32,923
Oh my God. Did you see that?
She was totally giving you the "Fuck me" eyes.

1039
01:07:32,925 --> 01:07:35,463
- No, she wasn't.
- She was giving you the "Fuck me" eyes.

1040
01:07:35,464 --> 01:07:39,739
- What are the "Fuck me" eyes?
- Some women just have the "Fuck me" eyes.

1041
01:07:39,940 --> 01:07:44,347
- Do I have "Fuck me" eyes?-
- No you have the "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.

1042
01:07:44,886 --> 01:07:47,332
We'd better get going. We got two hours
of driving left and I'm kinda beat.

1043
01:07:47,333 --> 01:07:49,226
Yes, we have to be well rested for tomorrow.

1044
01:07:49,228 --> 01:07:51,398
Well, I'll drive, you can take a nap.

1045
01:07:51,399 --> 01:07:54,271
- You do not have a license.
- Who cares? Johnny lets me drive once in a while..

1046
01:07:54,272 --> 01:07:57,111
Johnny lets me drive once in a while,
always two-handed, I'm a fucking pro.

1047
01:07:57,112 --> 01:08:00,383
Besides, I've been kicked around alot this week

1048
01:08:00,385 --> 01:08:05,995
- I just want to feel useful, you know.
- 20 minutes behind the wheel.

1049
01:09:43,547 --> 01:09:46,284
- What the fuck?
- Well Sam, it's been 20 minutes, wanna take over?

1050
01:09:59,248 --> 01:10:02,920
Listen Sam, I'm real sorry, that
barn just came out of nowhere.

1051
01:10:03,190 --> 01:10:06,662
No it's my fault. I should never have let you drive.

1052
01:10:07,064 --> 01:10:10,605
Yeah, well, you were wrong,
you were wrong to do that.

1053
01:10:10,739 --> 01:10:13,877
But you know, that and the trial is
the only things you fucked up.

1054
01:10:14,814 --> 01:10:19,758
I can't see shit in here.We have to
wait til tomorrow to get the car out.

1055
01:10:19,760 --> 01:10:22,830
- Wait, are we gonna spend the night here?
- Yeah, we'll be fine.

1056
01:10:22,831 --> 01:10:24,592
We just need to find some firewood.

1057
01:10:35,723 --> 01:10:37,376
What the hell?

1058
01:10:37,413 --> 01:10:39,413
<font color="#008000">Final edit by M.R. Sumon</font>

1059
01:10:42,599 --> 01:10:44,802
Holy shit! Hey Ted!

1060
01:10:45,740 --> 01:10:47,274
You know what this is?

1061
01:10:47,275 --> 01:10:48,878
It's super Silver Hayes.

1062
01:10:49,212 --> 01:10:52,613
Ordinary marijuana mixed with
lemon and became super Silver Hayes.

1063
01:10:53,018 --> 01:10:55,020
It's totally potent. I only had one in my life ...

1064
01:10:55,021 --> 01:10:56,890
and it was the best I ever had.

1065
01:10:57,157 --> 01:11:00,096
What the hell is a leaf of this
stuff doing in the middle of a...

1066
01:11:29,016 --> 01:11:32,419
Dear God, dear God in heaven.

1067
01:11:32,687 --> 01:11:35,223
it is so beautiful.

1068
01:11:35,493 --> 01:11:38,029
So beautiful.

1069
01:11:38,099 --> 01:11:41,802
Not enough words, no words.

1070
01:11:42,505 --> 01:11:44,774
He should've sent for me.

1071
01:11:52,323 --> 01:11:54,792
They're moving in Harrits.

1072
01:11:55,060 --> 01:11:57,863
They do move in Harrits.

1073
01:12:00,738 --> 01:12:03,808
Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.

1074
01:12:03,809 --> 01:12:06,680
Yes, Sam, this puts us in a
kind of awkward position here.

1075
01:12:07,081 --> 01:12:09,417
We want to get high too.

1076
01:12:09,486 --> 01:12:12,489
Is this hilarious?
I got it at bachelorette party.

1077
01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:16,698
- It's so stupid. Here, try.
- Uh no.

1078
01:12:17,034 --> 01:12:19,503
- Why?
- I don't wat to put a big class cock in my mouth..

1079
01:12:19,504 --> 01:12:22,265
Oh, you think this is big?

1080
01:12:22,843 --> 01:12:26,114
- Haha, Johnny you walked right into that one pal.
- This is all I brought.

1081
01:12:26,115 --> 01:12:27,918
How about this? I'm gonna go check out the
barn and see if I can find a solar can or something.

1082
01:12:27,919 --> 01:12:30,188
for us to make an actual bong.

1083
01:12:30,189 --> 01:12:32,460
- Yeah, see if you can make a non dick bong.
- Yeah, that's the name of the South Korean president.

1084
01:12:37,335 --> 01:12:39,405
She get's it?

1085
01:12:39,940 --> 01:12:42,475
- What?
- Be right back.

1086
01:12:43,411 --> 01:12:45,081
Sorry.

1087
01:12:45,082 --> 01:12:47,551
Do not worry. This is nice.

1088
01:12:47,552 --> 01:12:51,224
You know? I always wanted a wife to get stoned
with in the woods but she never wanted to.

1089
01:12:51,227 --> 01:12:52,761
Really? Wow.

1090
01:12:52,762 --> 01:12:55,432
- That's the cornerstone of any great marriage.
- I agree.

1091
01:13:00,842 --> 01:13:05,316
- So do you think this Meighan guy will help us?
- I mean, honestly I don't know.

1092
01:13:07,454 --> 01:13:09,391
But we're going to the right place.

1093
01:13:10,527 --> 01:13:12,862
Listen, I just really want to thank you for all you've done

1094
01:13:12,864 --> 01:13:15,746
and all you're doing for us, I know it's not making you rich.

1095
01:13:15,935 --> 01:13:17,137
Please ...

1096
01:13:17,138 --> 01:13:19,540
there are more important things in life than money.

1097
01:13:20,745 --> 01:13:26,489
Look, I don't know what kind of mojo
was in that wish when you were a child

1098
01:13:26,490 --> 01:13:28,757
but this bear, alive.

1099
01:13:29,494 --> 01:13:33,765
And it seems to me that once
the law devalues one kind of life...

1100
01:13:34,169 --> 01:13:36,301
How soon before it devalues another?

1101
01:13:36,706 --> 01:13:38,909
Who get's subjugated after the bear?

1102
01:13:40,446 --> 01:13:42,848
You're really smart, you know that?

1103
01:13:43,518 --> 01:13:47,324
- How come you do not have a guy?
- Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?

1104
01:13:47,525 --> 01:13:50,194
I'm supposed to date some pale guy
who's a wife beater under that bruise jacket

1105
01:13:50,195 --> 01:13:53,200
with a shamrock tat on his calf?

1106
01:13:53,201 --> 01:13:54,669
Nope!

1107
01:13:54,806 --> 01:13:56,940
Yeah, that's so dumb.

1108
01:13:58,076 --> 01:14:01,082
Well, I couldn' find any cans but
there some awesome shit

1109
01:14:01,083 --> 01:14:04,751
in that barn. Look at this. I found a
cowboy hat, a rifle and a guitar

1110
01:14:04,752 --> 01:14:06,555
Hey, be careful with that.

1111
01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:09,093
No, it's okay, is not loaded.

1112
01:14:10,031 --> 01:14:11,967
And my fucking nose came off.

1113
01:14:13,638 --> 01:14:17,443
I wonder who all this belongs to.
I mean, maybe we should find someplace else.

1114
01:14:17,711 --> 01:14:19,514
Where in the middle of nowhere.

1115
01:14:19,515 --> 01:14:22,437
If we get out of here by
dawn we should be fine, right?

1116
01:14:23,990 --> 01:14:27,126
- You play the guitar?
- A little bit.

1117
01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:28,929
I learned when I was a kid.

1118
01:17:04,005 --> 01:17:06,340
You got it. Come on, put your legs into it.

1119
01:17:09,481 --> 01:17:11,217
There you go. Nice job.

1120
01:17:11,218 --> 01:17:13,286
So listen, I gotta ask.

1121
01:17:13,287 --> 01:17:16,758
Was it just kissing last night
or was there finger stuff?

1122
01:17:22,836 --> 01:17:25,708
We got alot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.

1123
01:17:25,709 --> 01:17:29,113
We are gonna smoke it but just
put it under the seat for now.

1124
01:17:29,114 --> 01:17:30,917
- We dont wanna go to jail.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

1125
01:17:48,082 --> 01:17:50,751
- Oh what the fuck? What are you doing?
- Hashtag!

1126
01:17:50,886 --> 01:17:54,757
- "My amazing summer".
- God dammit, what the hell is wrong wiith you?

1127
01:17:54,758 --> 01:17:57,162
Oh I fucking own you you bastard.

1128
01:17:57,164 --> 01:17:59,701
What do you mean, I was just messing around.

1129
01:17:59,702 --> 01:18:01,704
- Shut up and suck that dick.
- Fuck you!

1130
01:18:30,221 --> 01:18:34,828
- Watch where you're walking!
- It's a crossroad jackass! We have right of way.

1131
01:18:34,829 --> 01:18:38,437
Hey, what the hell you do
walking around just like Star Wars?

1132
01:18:38,438 --> 01:18:41,641
It's Comic Con you idiot.
We're going down to the Jawa center.

1133
01:18:41,642 --> 01:18:44,512
Well you are the idiots, cause
you three guys would never walk together.

1134
01:18:44,513 --> 01:18:47,450
Yeah, you're his boss and you two are enemies!

1135
01:18:47,451 --> 01:18:50,722
- Yes, bite me captain Kirk!
- Come on, that's Star Trek.

1136
01:18:50,790 --> 01:18:53,862
- Yes. are 2 different franchises.
- Sorry guys, she doesn't know.

1137
01:18:53,864 --> 01:18:56,345
No it's okey. Im sorry you have to deal with that.

1138
01:19:00,075 --> 01:19:03,311
Hey come on, it's not worth it. It's not worth it.

1139
01:19:21,512 --> 01:19:24,194
Patrick Meighan, got a classy set up huh?

1140
01:19:30,128 --> 01:19:32,797
And there is our first impression.

1141
01:19:33,133 --> 01:19:35,535
Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now.

1142
01:19:35,536 --> 01:19:37,538
Oh okay, thank you.

1143
01:19:43,685 --> 01:19:48,357
- Ms Jackson, do come in. -
- Mr Meighan, this is such an honor.

1144
01:19:48,360 --> 01:19:50,295
Thank you so much for meeting with us.

1145
01:19:50,296 --> 01:19:52,498
Not at all, it's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.

1146
01:19:52,701 --> 01:19:56,172
Hey, this office is fucking awesome.
Yeah, totally.

1147
01:19:56,173 --> 01:19:58,575
Hey, do you ever bring chicks up here?

1148
01:19:59,178 --> 01:20:04,253
- What do you think?
- I think I want to sleep in a bed made of your voice.

1149
01:20:05,389 --> 01:20:09,728
I'll get right down to it. I don't
want to waste to much of your time.

1150
01:20:10,599 --> 01:20:13,668
Ted, I've been reviewing your file.

1151
01:20:13,737 --> 01:20:17,209
And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, I'm sorry to say

1152
01:20:17,544 --> 01:20:21,483
- I won't be taking your case.
- What? Why?

1153
01:20:21,484 --> 01:20:23,619
Well, it comes down to this.

1154
01:20:25,558 --> 01:20:28,494
You want to be human in the eyes of the law.

1155
01:20:28,764 --> 01:20:31,366
That's a hard sell, even for me.

1156
01:20:31,636 --> 01:20:36,577
You see, the important thing about being
human is making a contribution to society.

1157
01:20:36,645 --> 01:20:39,315
Assisting in the bettering of your race.

1158
01:20:39,382 --> 01:20:41,183
You've done none of that.

1159
01:20:41,386 --> 01:20:46,100
I read about your life, the drugs, the parties,
the prostitues, the arrests.

1160
01:20:46,101 --> 01:20:50,934
Mr. Meighan, we have come a long way to
meet you because you said you could help.

1161
01:20:50,936 --> 01:20:53,539
I said I would consider it.

1162
01:20:53,540 --> 01:20:55,009
And I have.

1163
01:20:56,280 --> 01:21:00,953
Ted, you're special.
You could've been an inspiration to the world.

1164
01:21:01,622 --> 01:21:03,888
You could've been a leader, a role model.

1165
01:21:04,627 --> 01:21:06,294
Instead you're....

1166
01:21:07,233 --> 01:21:08,834
Justin Bieber.

1167
01:21:08,835 --> 01:21:10,236
Fuck you!

1168
01:21:10,237 --> 01:21:11,172
- Hey Ted!
- Sorry.

1169
01:21:11,173 --> 01:21:12,172
He doesn't mean that.

1170
01:21:12,173 --> 01:21:13,841
Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..

1171
01:21:13,843 --> 01:21:17,982
There's just no indication that you've had
any positive effect on the world around you.

1172
01:21:17,984 --> 01:21:20,252
Well that's not true, he had a positive effect on me.

1173
01:21:20,988 --> 01:21:26,129
Would that positive effect be your
joint arrest for purchasing marijuana in 2003?

1174
01:21:26,130 --> 01:21:28,851
Well how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighter concert?

1175
01:21:30,939 --> 01:21:33,341
Do you know why you lost this case?

1176
01:21:34,346 --> 01:21:36,547
It can't be arguing with reason.

1177
01:21:36,816 --> 01:21:39,688
What the president says affect the public directly.

1178
01:21:40,155 --> 01:21:43,492
And unfortunately the public
doesn't judge by reason.

1179
01:21:43,493 --> 01:21:45,897
They judge by emotion.

1180
01:21:46,969 --> 01:21:49,304
And you can not appeal any emotional conviction.

1181
01:21:50,373 --> 01:21:54,010
Nonetheless I wish you all the best in your efforts.

1182
01:21:56,115 --> 01:21:59,137
He needs help, and from what I know about you,

1183
01:21:59,138 --> 01:22:02,158
at one point in your career
that would have been enough.

1184
01:22:02,997 --> 01:22:06,534
I'm sorry you're not who I'd hope you'd be.

1185
01:22:15,151 --> 01:22:17,353
Are those supposed to just be take.

1186
01:22:19,024 --> 01:22:21,093
Those arn't supposed to be there.

1187
01:22:32,382 --> 01:22:34,850
So that is, I'm property.

1188
01:22:35,252 --> 01:22:37,522
No lights, no nothing.

1189
01:22:37,857 --> 01:22:40,592
Ted dude, I'm so sorry, this completely sucks.

1190
01:22:41,062 --> 01:22:45,067
It feels terrible. I let you guys down all over again.

1191
01:22:45,139 --> 01:22:48,340
Hey, you didn't let us down Sam, you did your best.

1192
01:22:49,680 --> 01:22:54,016
And look, regardless of all this shit, you're
still the best thing that happened to me in a long time.

1193
01:23:00,431 --> 01:23:02,300
Oh! That's great, that's fucking great!
I'm glad you guys are so happy.

1194
01:23:02,301 --> 01:23:04,502
What?

1195
01:23:04,570 --> 01:23:09,111
What do you mean what? I'm totally screwed here.

1196
01:23:09,112 --> 01:23:11,115
And you're sitting there basically banging
my lawyer and she is probably still fucking billing us.

1197
01:23:11,315 --> 01:23:14,723
- Well don't yell at us, we didn't do anything!
- Yeah, exactly, exactly ...

1198
01:23:14,724 --> 01:23:17,660
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other

1199
01:23:17,661 --> 01:23:20,933
Sam could've won this thing
and I wouldn't be a fucking thing.

1200
01:23:20,934 --> 01:23:23,201
Like garbage or a piece of shit.

1201
01:23:23,203 --> 01:23:25,874
Hey, we've been fighting alongside you the whole way.

1202
01:23:26,008 --> 01:23:30,014
And remember, you were the one
pushing me to get back up on the horse,

1203
01:23:30,015 --> 01:23:32,486
- and when I finally meet someone you're giving me shit?
- No, you're right, okay, it's totally fine.

1204
01:23:32,487 --> 01:23:35,424
I have no job, no marriage and no life.

1205
01:23:35,425 --> 01:23:38,629
But you have fun porking Golum
while I l'm left with shit.

1206
01:23:38,830 --> 01:23:41,032
- Ted!
- Who's Gollum?

1207
01:23:41,236 --> 01:23:43,305
She's a model.
Ted, come back!

1208
01:23:43,373 --> 01:23:45,174
- Leave me alone!
- Ted!

1209
01:23:49,719 --> 01:23:51,251
Shit.

1210
01:24:03,542 --> 01:24:05,410
Woah, sorry bro.

1211
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,744
Hey Ted!

1212
01:24:45,348 --> 01:24:46,482
Guy?

1213
01:24:46,483 --> 01:24:48,087
I thought that was you.
What happened man?

1214
01:24:48,088 --> 01:24:50,221
Hey Rick? It is Ted.

1215
01:24:50,290 --> 01:24:52,291
- Hey, how you doing?
- Hey, what's going on?

1216
01:24:52,360 --> 01:24:53,762
What are you doing here?

1217
01:24:54,030 --> 01:24:58,503
You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts.
What are you guys doing here?

1218
01:24:58,838 --> 01:25:00,974
Well, you know, Rick and I kinda came here as a gag.

1219
01:25:00,975 --> 01:25:04,113
Shut Up! Dress up like we're into
this shit and fuck with the nerds.

1220
01:25:04,114 --> 01:25:08,220
Hey, Staiss, why don't you go bring
me some big lichu, how about that?

1221
01:25:13,598 --> 01:25:15,867
Well, good luck with your dick there.

1222
01:25:15,935 --> 01:25:17,937
Right on, you too man.

1223
01:25:18,140 --> 01:25:20,274
God dammit! That underwear had shit on it!

1224
01:25:25,486 --> 01:25:28,555
- Hey. Are you Ted?
- Uh, yeah.

1225
01:25:31,561 --> 01:25:35,601
This is so exciting! I was such a big fan
of yours in the early nineties.

1226
01:25:36,306 --> 01:25:37,908
Oh, well, thanks alot.

1227
01:25:37,909 --> 01:25:40,176
- What's your name?
- I'm Rafael.

1228
01:25:40,179 --> 01:25:42,380
Do you think that I can take a picture with you?

1229
01:25:42,649 --> 01:25:44,251
Yeah, yeah, no problem.

1230
01:25:44,252 --> 01:25:46,119
Great, great, follow me.

1231
01:25:47,992 --> 01:25:49,860
Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?

1232
01:25:49,861 --> 01:25:53,334
Well you're a celebrity, I dont want you to
get mobbed when people recognize you.

1233
01:25:53,335 --> 01:25:56,338
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an ewok three times today.

1234
01:25:56,339 --> 01:25:57,807
Alright, let's do this.

1235
01:26:01,882 --> 01:26:04,420
Holy shit! Donny!

1236
01:26:04,421 --> 01:26:06,556
It's so good to see you Ted.

1237
01:26:07,292 --> 01:26:08,960
It's been some time, hasn't it?

1238
01:26:08,961 --> 01:26:11,164
Os since you ripped me in half?

1239
01:26:12,301 --> 01:26:15,369
That was not supposed to happen.
That was was an accident.

1240
01:26:16,575 --> 01:26:18,844
I have some big plans for you, Ted.

1241
01:26:19,445 --> 01:26:20,982
Very big plans.

1242
01:26:21,449 --> 01:26:23,119
I need you to come with me now.

1243
01:26:23,120 --> 01:26:24,587
Go to hell!

1244
01:26:37,210 --> 01:26:39,146
Nice lunch späs!

1245
01:26:48,965 --> 01:26:50,766
Hey, what the hell?

1246
01:26:55,041 --> 01:26:58,115
He could be anywhere, we're not gonna
find him. We sould just wait by the car.

1247
01:26:58,116 --> 01:26:59,572
What do you mean? We have to find him okay?

1248
01:26:59,708 --> 01:27:01,708
He's a teddy bear on his own in New York for Gods sake.

1249
01:27:05,930 --> 01:27:08,399
- Hello?
- Hey Johnny, It's me, you gotta help me.

1250
01:27:08,400 --> 01:27:10,936
Ted where are you? We've looked everywhere for you.

1251
01:27:10,937 --> 01:27:13,740
I'm iat Comic Con, but John, it's Donny.

1252
01:27:13,741 --> 01:27:16,280
He's here. You gotta come over here.

1253
01:27:16,281 --> 01:27:18,015
What the fuck, did you just say Donny?

1254
01:27:18,016 --> 01:27:20,852
- John, what's going on?
- Yes, it's him.

1255
01:27:22,558 --> 01:27:26,459
Oh shit!

1256
01:27:27,133 --> 01:27:28,234
Ted?

1257
01:27:28,235 --> 01:27:29,902
- Ted, hello?
- What's the matter?

1258
01:27:29,903 --> 01:27:32,585
Oh my God, deja vu.
We gotta get to Comic Con, come one.

1259
01:27:37,450 --> 01:27:38,986
Get out of the way!

1260
01:27:50,673 --> 01:27:52,342
You know...

1261
01:27:53,278 --> 01:27:55,414
I really love Neil Diamond.

1262
01:27:55,951 --> 01:28:00,355
Especially that song that they're
singing at the red sox game.

1263
01:28:02,562 --> 01:28:04,697
This is so infectious.

1264
01:28:05,164 --> 01:28:07,435
You just can't help but sing along.

1265
01:28:28,541 --> 01:28:32,375
Fuck!

1266
01:28:36,088 --> 01:28:38,023
Hey! What are you doing to that bear?

1267
01:28:38,024 --> 01:28:40,960
- I'm sorry, I ...
- You better be planning on buying that!

1268
01:28:41,830 --> 01:28:44,101
It just reminds me of when I was a kid.

1269
01:28:44,102 --> 01:28:46,304
Yes, that's great. Thats $40.

1270
01:28:48,978 --> 01:28:52,879
$40, here.

1271
01:28:59,661 --> 01:29:01,130
Do you see him anywhere?

1272
01:29:01,131 --> 01:29:03,000
No, let's try in there.

1273
01:29:06,340 --> 01:29:08,408
Have anyone of you seen a talking teddy bear?

1274
01:29:08,409 --> 01:29:10,545
They're about to annonce the new Superman.

1275
01:29:10,747 --> 01:29:13,084
The new Superman is ...

1276
01:29:13,418 --> 01:29:14,886
Jonah Hill!

1277
01:29:14,956 --> 01:29:17,224
- Fuck!
- Who's Superman?

1278
01:29:17,225 --> 01:29:19,546
- What?
- I 'm just kidding, I'm fucking with you.

1279
01:29:20,831 --> 01:29:25,972
And if that's not big enough news,
Hasbro will be unveiling a brand new line

1280
01:29:26,041 --> 01:29:27,844
of Transformers merchandise next fall.

1281
01:29:30,649 --> 01:29:34,255
We have a brand new line of
Decepticons, that is gonna be

1282
01:29:34,256 --> 01:29:36,393
- Hey fresh cake!
- Fresh cakes.

1283
01:29:37,527 --> 01:29:39,398
Fresh cakes ...

1284
01:29:41,067 --> 01:29:46,408
Comic Con fans, lets take a look at the
thrilling sissoreal with all our new exciting toys

1285
01:29:46,409 --> 01:29:47,879
Take a look.

1286
01:29:53,822 --> 01:29:56,159
Come on, there's an empty
supply room down the stairs.

1287
01:29:56,227 --> 01:29:57,630
Is that him?

1288
01:29:57,630 --> 01:30:00,831
Yes, there was an issue so he's
unconscious now but yeah, this is him.

1289
01:30:01,103 --> 01:30:02,837
Why did you bring him here?

1290
01:30:03,508 --> 01:30:07,380
Well I've been following him around since yesterday,
this was the only chance I could get him alone.

1291
01:30:07,381 --> 01:30:08,980
I had to move fast.

1292
01:30:09,117 --> 01:30:10,650
Hey Ted!

1293
01:30:11,655 --> 01:30:13,189
Is that you?

1294
01:30:13,325 --> 01:30:18,451
Yeah, he had a little to much to drink,
he puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl

1295
01:30:18,867 --> 01:30:20,802
so we're gonna take him back to sober him up.

1296
01:30:21,004 --> 01:30:23,408
- Ah, rock on Ted!
- FIA!

1297
01:30:23,543 --> 01:30:27,615
Be careful out there,
some nerds spilled their lunch.

1298
01:30:28,017 --> 01:30:30,020
Hey dont walk forward so fast man.

1299
01:30:36,766 --> 01:30:38,368
Hey Johnny.

1300
01:30:38,369 --> 01:30:39,370
Guy?

1301
01:30:39,371 --> 01:30:41,440
It's a God damn party here today.

1302
01:30:41,774 --> 01:30:43,843
I remember you from the wedding.

1303
01:30:43,844 --> 01:30:45,247
Did you do a nose job?

1304
01:30:45,248 --> 01:30:47,985
- No.
- Yes you did you fucking liar.

1305
01:30:47,985 --> 01:30:49,655
Hey, we just ran into your friend Ted.

1306
01:30:49,656 --> 01:30:50,857
Ted? Where is he?

1307
01:30:50,858 --> 01:30:53,661
Well, the got a little wasted so two
dudes took him out back to sober him up.

1308
01:30:53,728 --> 01:30:56,932
- Did you see which way they went?
- Yeah back hallway past the foodle both.

1309
01:30:56,933 --> 01:30:58,936
Come On!

1310
01:30:58,937 --> 01:31:00,539
Thirsty abnormal?

1311
01:31:01,543 --> 01:31:03,277
I fucking love this place.

1312
01:31:12,027 --> 01:31:13,361
What the fuck?

1313
01:31:13,362 --> 01:31:15,098
What the fuck is going on here?

1314
01:31:15,100 --> 01:31:16,501
Who the hell are you?

1315
01:31:16,502 --> 01:31:18,772
He really is extraordinary, isn't he?

1316
01:31:19,173 --> 01:31:21,014
You fucking bitch, this is a kidnapping!

1317
01:31:21,111 --> 01:31:22,646
No it's not.

1318
01:31:23,182 --> 01:31:25,384
Kidnapping only applies to people,

1319
01:31:25,585 --> 01:31:27,721
and you Ted, you're property.

1320
01:31:27,723 --> 01:31:29,656
Yeah, and so is that fucking hair piece.

1321
01:31:33,200 --> 01:31:34,799
What do you say? Happy face.

1322
01:31:34,869 --> 01:31:36,935
Right there, just me, yes!

1323
01:31:37,806 --> 01:31:39,675
Come on, alright.

1324
01:31:39,945 --> 01:31:42,546
Right there, yeah good.

1325
01:31:45,086 --> 01:31:46,820
Hey Bennet!

1326
01:31:47,758 --> 01:31:49,224
Oh shit!

1327
01:31:49,225 --> 01:31:52,030
You messed up my car,
what the hell is wrong with you?

1328
01:31:52,165 --> 01:31:54,702
Sam this is really a bad time, right,
something happened to Ted.

1329
01:31:54,703 --> 01:31:57,741
Oh, but it's a good time for you to vandalize my chrysler though.

1330
01:31:58,108 --> 01:32:00,179
Fuck your chrysler!

1331
01:32:09,797 --> 01:32:12,465
Holy shit! Donnie you do not want to do this!

1332
01:32:13,336 --> 01:32:15,206
You think about what happened to Frinway.

1333
01:32:15,274 --> 01:32:17,409
Remember? You cut me open and that's it.

1334
01:32:17,478 --> 01:32:19,278
I'm gone, dead.

1335
01:32:19,279 --> 01:32:22,483
Just a regular old teddy bear.
I won't be any fun then, will I?

1336
01:32:23,153 --> 01:32:25,422
This isn't about you Ted.

1337
01:32:25,423 --> 01:32:27,158
You're only one bear.

1338
01:32:27,294 --> 01:32:30,499
We-re gonna figure out what makes you real
and then we're gonna make millions of Teds.

1339
01:32:30,631 --> 01:32:32,701
One for every child in the world.

1340
01:32:33,106 --> 01:32:36,574
And one for me.

1341
01:32:36,575 --> 01:32:39,513
One that loves me just as much as you love John.

1342
01:32:39,715 --> 01:32:41,851
Look,  Donny, I could never love you.

1343
01:32:42,384 --> 01:32:45,055
Oh God that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.

1344
01:32:45,391 --> 01:32:46,860
Okay, so...

1345
01:32:46,861 --> 01:32:50,866
What if I gave you a handjob outside
your pants while you're eating an ice cream?

1346
01:32:53,472 --> 01:32:55,273
I'll give you a minute.

1347
01:33:36,148 --> 01:33:37,948
Hey, check it out, nerd fight.

1348
01:34:06,066 --> 01:34:07,935
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.

1349
01:34:15,148 --> 01:34:17,019
- Ted!
- Johnny!

1350
01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:18,823
Who the hell are you?

1351
01:34:19,024 --> 01:34:20,558
Get away from him you bastard!

1352
01:34:20,826 --> 01:34:22,961
- Ted are ou okay buddy?
- Johnny thank God.

1353
01:34:22,962 --> 01:34:24,565
I'm out.

1354
01:34:24,633 --> 01:34:26,436
Please mr Jessup, don't go.
We can still do this.

1355
01:34:26,437 --> 01:34:29,172
You're on your own Danny.
I can't be implicated in any of this.

1356
01:34:29,174 --> 01:34:30,577
Wait, who are you?

1357
01:34:30,578 --> 01:34:32,446
I am working for Mattel.

1358
01:34:34,116 --> 01:34:35,719
You piece of shit!

1359
01:34:35,720 --> 01:34:37,855
Killing my family pup wasn't enough for you huh?

1360
01:34:37,856 --> 01:34:39,856
What are you gonna do now?

1361
01:34:39,925 --> 01:34:42,195
You don't deserve him Johnny, you never did.

1362
01:34:42,196 --> 01:34:45,267
- You never did!
- I've waited to do this for a long time.

1363
01:34:47,874 --> 01:34:49,842
Aha, I fucking knew it!

1364
01:34:50,144 --> 01:34:51,746
Come on.

1365
01:35:03,234 --> 01:35:04,637
Listen, Johnny.

1366
01:35:04,638 --> 01:35:06,440
I want to tell you how sorry I am.

1367
01:35:06,441 --> 01:35:10,446
No, forget about it. Look, you were upset Teddy,
I shouldn't have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.

1368
01:35:10,447 --> 01:35:12,383
No, no, listen to me.

1369
01:35:12,384 --> 01:35:14,120
You too Sam.

1370
01:35:14,121 --> 01:35:16,054
I acted like an asshole.

1371
01:35:16,190 --> 01:35:20,396
Alright? I was just hurting cause I knew I'd lost.

1372
01:35:20,998 --> 01:35:25,104
And that in the eyes of the
world I will always be property.

1373
01:35:25,272 --> 01:35:27,209
But you know what? Who gives a shit?

1374
01:35:27,210 --> 01:35:31,147
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.

1375
01:35:31,417 --> 01:35:35,788
And that's all that's important,
and I know who my friends are.

1376
01:35:35,892 --> 01:35:39,028
And honest to God, if you two want to be together

1377
01:35:39,029 --> 01:35:42,502
- Nothing would make me happier.
- Oh, buddy I love you for that.

1378
01:35:42,503 --> 01:35:45,106
Thanks Ted, it means a lot.

1379
01:35:46,711 --> 01:35:50,582
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned

1380
01:35:50,717 --> 01:35:54,456
You're a person as much as
anybody else I've ever known.

1381
01:35:54,590 --> 01:35:59,696
Oh Sam, that means the world comming
from someone who went to Arizona state.

1382
01:36:25,978 --> 01:36:27,582
Holy shit, Johnny!

1383
01:36:27,648 --> 01:36:28,918
Oh my God, John!

1384
01:36:28,919 --> 01:36:30,052
- Johnny?
- John?

1385
01:36:30,053 --> 01:36:31,255
- Oh Jesus.
- Are you okay?

1386
01:36:31,256 --> 01:36:32,989
Are you alright?

1387
01:36:33,193 --> 01:36:34,793
John, hey.

1388
01:36:35,196 --> 01:36:37,398
- What happened here?
- The rocket ship just hit him.

1389
01:36:37,399 --> 01:36:39,903
Jesus Christ, it's a starship Enterprise. Forget it.

1390
01:36:39,904 --> 01:36:41,806
Somebody call 911.

1391
01:36:41,807 --> 01:36:43,810
Johnny, come one, stay with me pal.

1392
01:36:43,811 --> 01:36:46,080
We need an ambulance at, 655 West 34.

1393
01:36:46,081 --> 01:36:48,283
- How the hell did it fall?
- I do not know!

1394
01:36:51,358 --> 01:36:52,626
It was him!

1395
01:36:52,627 --> 01:36:54,629
The guy that's dressed as a ninja turtle.

1396
01:36:59,106 --> 01:37:00,773
Which one?

1397
01:37:00,774 --> 01:37:03,979
Alright, two can play this Where's Aldo
shit you son of a bitch.

1398
01:37:03,980 --> 01:37:05,648
Sam, give me your phone.

1399
01:37:25,418 --> 01:37:29,319
That's him.

1400
01:37:32,229 --> 01:37:33,764
Get off me!

1401
01:37:35,702 --> 01:37:38,773
Johnny? Johnny? Come on.

1402
01:37:39,108 --> 01:37:40,843
Jhony, you gotta wake up pal.

1403
01:37:41,445 --> 01:37:43,179
Johnny, wake up!

1404
01:37:43,248 --> 01:37:44,984
Wake up, Johnny.

1405
01:37:47,056 --> 01:37:51,328
Jhony, wake up!

1406
01:38:37,144 --> 01:38:39,880
How is he? Is he gonna come out of it?

1407
01:38:40,215 --> 01:38:43,252
I don't know, miss Jackson, we're doing everything we can.

1408
01:38:43,353 --> 01:38:45,223
It's all up to him now.

1409
01:38:55,511 --> 01:38:58,646
John, please wake up.

1410
01:39:07,866 --> 01:39:09,533
- Somebody help!
- Oh my God, John!

1411
01:39:11,002 --> 01:39:12,443
Hello? There's something happening.

1412
01:39:12,940 --> 01:39:14,207
Mr Bennet?

1413
01:39:14,208 --> 01:39:16,277
- Something is wrong.
- Whats going on? What's happening to him?

1414
01:39:16,278 --> 01:39:18,014
Mr Bennet? John?

1415
01:39:18,416 --> 01:39:20,484
We have a code blue in room 134!

1416
01:39:20,486 --> 01:39:22,288
- What does that mean?
- I'm sorry, you have to wait outside.

1417
01:39:22,289 --> 01:39:23,691
- What's going on?
- Is he gonna be okay?

1418
01:39:23,692 --> 01:39:26,696
The doctors will do everything they can
but I need you to go to the waiting area now.

1419
01:39:26,697 --> 01:39:28,232
Excuse me.

1420
01:39:28,233 --> 01:39:31,638
- What the status?
- He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive.

1421
01:39:31,706 --> 01:39:33,574
He's not breathing and got no pulse.

1422
01:39:33,575 --> 01:39:36,856
Start contractions, prepare to intubate,
give him a milligram of Epinephrine.

1423
01:40:06,367 --> 01:40:07,902
I'm sorry.

1424
01:40:08,971 --> 01:40:10,908
He didn't make it.

1425
01:40:12,512 --> 01:40:13,978
What?

1426
01:40:14,381 --> 01:40:16,116
What?

1427
01:40:16,852 --> 01:40:18,520
It's Johnny?

1428
01:40:18,923 --> 01:40:22,059
If you'd like you can go in
and say you're goodbyes.

1429
01:41:02,464 --> 01:41:04,000
Johnny?

1430
01:41:06,138 --> 01:41:08,208
You're my thunder buddy.

1431
01:41:10,414 --> 01:41:12,881
My thunder buddy of life.

1432
01:41:15,290 --> 01:41:18,759
And you gave up your own life to save mine.

1433
01:41:22,168 --> 01:41:24,236
And I promise,

1434
01:41:26,175 --> 01:41:29,780
I don't know how my life works without you.

1435
01:41:33,854 --> 01:41:35,854
Goodbye John..

1436
01:41:38,396 --> 01:41:40,062
I got you mother fucker!

1437
01:41:41,466 --> 01:41:44,837
Holy shit, it's a zombie!
It's a fucking zombie!

1438
01:41:45,676 --> 01:41:47,477
I totally fucking got you!

1439
01:41:47,478 --> 01:41:50,751
- Holy shit!
- You should see your fucking face!

1440
01:41:50,819 --> 01:41:53,354
- You son of a bitch!
- That was fucking classic!

1441
01:41:53,355 --> 01:41:55,957
Wait, this is payback because
I made you believe I was dead.

1442
01:41:56,026 --> 01:41:58,565
- You did it this time!
- I did it this time!

1443
01:41:58,566 --> 01:42:00,498
Well done, well done.

1444
01:42:00,636 --> 01:42:02,503
Give me five! High five.

1445
01:42:02,504 --> 01:42:04,373
What the fuck is going on?

1446
01:42:04,441 --> 01:42:08,714
What's going on is this guy just
won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.

1447
01:42:08,715 --> 01:42:11,051
You are the fucking greatest man.

1448
01:42:11,787 --> 01:42:13,657
How was the doctor in on it?

1449
01:42:13,658 --> 01:42:16,060
They got me out and I was totally
fine so I talked him into going along.

1450
01:42:16,061 --> 01:42:21,403
Hey doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks.
No problem, we're a funny hospital.

1451
01:42:21,605 --> 01:42:24,675
You asshole! You think this shit is funny?

1452
01:42:24,809 --> 01:42:28,349
Do you know how devastated I was?
I put a drowning smiley on facebook.

1453
01:42:28,350 --> 01:42:31,420
How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?

1454
01:42:31,421 --> 01:42:35,193
Well you could change your relationship
status from single to it's complicated.

1455
01:42:35,896 --> 01:42:38,298
You're gonna have to do alot better than that!

1456
01:42:40,906 --> 01:42:43,507
Well...you're in a relationship with John Bennet.

1457
01:42:43,577 --> 01:42:47,848
Well....we'll have to talk about that.

1458
01:42:59,072 --> 01:43:01,874
Hey, if you two want to bang me
and Ted can totally leave the room.

1459
01:43:01,875 --> 01:43:04,745
No, honey,they're classy, they're not like us.

1460
01:43:05,080 --> 01:43:06,483
It's not that kind of people.

1461
01:43:06,484 --> 01:43:09,419
I'm happy to see everybody has made a full recovery..

1462
01:43:09,623 --> 01:43:10,824
- Mr Meighan?
- What the hell?

1463
01:43:10,825 --> 01:43:12,026
Holy shit.

1464
01:43:12,027 --> 01:43:13,696
Is it alright if I come in?

1465
01:43:13,697 --> 01:43:15,497
Sure, yeah.

1466
01:43:15,968 --> 01:43:17,701
How are you feeling, John?

1467
01:43:17,770 --> 01:43:19,371
I am alive.

1468
01:43:19,706 --> 01:43:23,210
You are very lucky.
I saw what you did on TV.

1469
01:43:23,245 --> 01:43:25,648
Yes, he saved my ass is what he did.

1470
01:43:25,650 --> 01:43:27,118
You know why?

1471
01:43:27,185 --> 01:43:31,326
Because he's a person. And no matter how many
smartass lawyers you're hiring to keep him down

1472
01:43:31,727 --> 01:43:33,930
they're not gonna change that, not in our eyes.

1473
01:43:34,399 --> 01:43:37,269
Teddy is real, aso you can go fuck yourself.

1474
01:43:38,272 --> 01:43:39,807
I will.

1475
01:43:40,343 --> 01:43:45,284
And as soon as I'm done fucking
myself I'd like to take your case Ted.

1476
01:43:45,686 --> 01:43:46,888
- What?
- Seriously?

1477
01:43:46,889 --> 01:43:48,490
- Oh my God!
- You hear that?

1478
01:43:51,163 --> 01:43:52,897
Well maybe we don't want you now.

1479
01:43:52,898 --> 01:43:55,436
- Shut up!
- No, no, we want you, for sure we want you.

1480
01:43:55,437 --> 01:43:57,305
What made you change your mind?

1481
01:43:57,305 --> 01:43:59,842
Well, when I saw what John did for you.

1482
01:44:00,312 --> 01:44:03,115
And he was willing to give his life for yours.

1483
01:44:03,316 --> 01:44:05,252
He gave me a kick in the ass.

1484
01:44:05,453 --> 01:44:08,859
It reminded me of why I chose to do what I do.

1485
01:44:09,861 --> 01:44:13,400
I'm sorry I turned you away.
I was wrong.

1486
01:44:14,269 --> 01:44:18,074
As far as I'm concerned, anyone who can inspire

1487
01:44:18,277 --> 01:44:21,881
that kind of love in another person
deserves to be called a human.

1488
01:44:23,219 --> 01:44:24,621
You mean it?

1489
01:44:24,622 --> 01:44:29,293
I certainly do. So, shall we get started?

1490
01:44:40,182 --> 01:44:42,719
What defines a person?

1491
01:44:44,257 --> 01:44:46,457
What defines property?

1492
01:44:47,194 --> 01:44:48,795
What's the difference?

1493
01:44:50,466 --> 01:44:54,806
The anthropologist and epitist Dawn Prince Hughes argues that

1494
01:44:55,142 --> 01:44:57,943
the fandus for personhood includes self awareness,

1495
01:44:59,017 --> 01:45:04,120
an ability to understand complex emotions,

1496
01:45:04,424 --> 01:45:07,162
and the capacity for empathy.

1497
01:45:08,832 --> 01:45:13,773
And we are all in agreement that Ted is self aware.

1498
01:45:16,445 --> 01:45:19,315
- What is your name?
- Ted Clubberlang.

1499
01:45:24,392 --> 01:45:27,714
As for the complex emotions and the capacity for empathy,

1500
01:45:28,400 --> 01:45:33,673
we all saw the distressing images of
Ted agonizing over his fallen friend

1501
01:45:33,675 --> 01:45:35,345
John Bennet.

1502
01:45:35,346 --> 01:45:42,053
In those images, Ted exhibits all of the
remaining qualities of personhood.

1503
01:45:44,227 --> 01:45:46,697
It's right there for anyone to see.

1504
01:45:47,900 --> 01:45:52,373
And I believe that a just court must
by definition grant basic human rights

1505
01:45:53,243 --> 01:45:57,214
to all those who deserve them.

1506
01:45:58,185 --> 01:46:03,593
Just add the Emancipation Proclamation and
the 13th amendment did so many years ago.

1507
01:46:07,202 --> 01:46:10,472
So ladies and gentlemen of the court.

1508
01:46:12,209 --> 01:46:14,477
I invite you

1509
01:46:15,549 --> 01:46:18,019
to change the world.

1510
01:46:37,321 --> 01:46:40,593
Well Johnny, this is the
second time you made me real

1511
01:46:40,928 --> 01:46:42,663
Thanks pal.

1512
01:46:42,664 --> 01:46:44,467
Hey, you were always real to me buddy,
even when you weren't.

1513
01:46:44,468 --> 01:46:47,269
Congratulations Ted.

1514
01:46:47,272 --> 01:46:48,940
Thanks Sam.

1515
01:46:53,883 --> 01:46:56,287
Ted?

1516
01:46:56,288 --> 01:46:58,490
This is quite a victory for you.

1517
01:46:58,491 --> 01:47:01,963
Is there any statement you would like
to make now that you are legally a person?

1518
01:47:02,500 --> 01:47:04,367
Yes, there is.

1519
01:47:05,904 --> 01:47:08,240
Tami-Lynn McCafferty...

1520
01:47:08,241 --> 01:47:10,111
Will you marry me?

1521
01:47:11,768 --> 01:47:13,512
Yes!

1522
01:47:18,259 --> 01:47:21,529
And so our story comes to an end.

1523
01:47:21,598 --> 01:47:24,401
Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again,

1524
01:47:24,668 --> 01:47:28,074
and soon afterwards they
adopted a fine young baby boy.

1525
01:47:29,479 --> 01:47:33,352
Johnny, meet your new godson,
Apollo Creed Clubberlang.

1526
01:47:34,088 --> 01:47:36,024
Aw Teddy, he's adorable.

1527
01:47:36,025 --> 01:47:38,094
Oh, and we got something for him too.

1528
01:47:38,361 --> 01:47:39,895
Oh shit, yeah.

1529
01:47:44,705 --> 01:47:46,174
Johnny!

1530
01:47:46,241 --> 01:47:48,044
Oh Johnny it's perfect.

1531
01:47:48,045 --> 01:47:52,117
And you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough, maybe he'll come to life.

1532
01:47:52,385 --> 01:47:54,788
You can do all kinds of drugs together.

1533
01:47:54,857 --> 01:47:56,858
That is all I want for him.

1534
01:47:57,193 --> 01:48:00,065
Oh, it smells like someone's got a bobo diaper.

1535
01:48:00,399 --> 01:48:02,402
Teddy it's your turn to change it.

1536
01:48:02,403 --> 01:48:04,138
Oh yeah, no problem.

1537
01:48:04,874 --> 01:48:07,026
- Fuck me!
- What's the matter?

1538
01:48:07,027 --> 01:48:08,747
That can't be normal. He's gotta be sick.

1539
01:48:08,748 --> 01:48:10,951
He's not sick. It's just baby doodie.

1540
01:48:10,952 --> 01:48:13,689
- It's just what babies do Teddy.
- Oh, you don't think this diaper is gross?

1541
01:48:13,690 --> 01:48:15,223
- No!
- Alright, here, catch!

1542
01:48:15,826 --> 01:48:17,426
Teddy, what the fuck?

1543
01:48:18,030 --> 01:48:21,035
Shit, you mother fucker!

1544
01:48:21,303 --> 01:48:23,972
Hashtag: Shit happens.

1545
01:48:23,440 --> 01:48:28,440
<font color="#008000">Create:</font> Nihilus
<font color="#ff0000">Final Edit:</font> M.R. Sumon

1545
01:48:29,305 --> 01:49:29,341
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-