1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

2
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,180
Greetings, Muggles.

3
00:01:23,732 --> 00:01:26,860
- Oh, my fucking God. He fell for it.
- I told you he would.

4
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,020
It's not really
fancy dress, you dick.

5
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,740
Oh, what? No way!

6
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,500
These are the jokers from my
course I was telling you about.

7
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,140
You lot. Technically, I didn't fall for it
as there was no way I could have known.

8
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,460
- Whoa. Where d'you think you're going?
- Into the party.

9
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,500
You're dressed like Harry Potter.

10
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,020
There's no way you're coming
in here, you fucking plum.

11
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,860
You could have come as someone sexy.

12
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,602
Hermione's sexy.

13
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,904
What a twat.

14
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:52,780
Mental.

15
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,141
Guys?

16
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:56,980
Guys?

17
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,228
Oh, piss off, Harry.

18
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,100
Well, this is a disaster.
I've come down from Sheffield for this?

19
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,020
It's OK. We'll still
have a good weekend.

20
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:06,940
There's a pub I love
just down the road.

21
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,340
I'm wearing a gym skirt.

22
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,860
It's a student town.
No one will care.

23
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,824
- And no pants.
- Righto.

24
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,300
Oi, Si. Nudgies.

25
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,946
- What the fuck?
- Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

26
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,660
Fuck me. What a waste of a weekend.

27
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,020
I thought you said they were
your best mates at uni.

28
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:25,620
- Yeah.
- I'll find us some mates.

29
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,029
I've got this amazing app called Grindr.
Made loads of new mates through it.

30
00:02:29,887 --> 00:02:31,620
Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess what.

31
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,700
- Someone's sent you a penis shot?
- Nah, I just got an email from Jay.

32
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,700
- No way.
- Way. Listen to this.

33
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,780
"Dear Neil, you fucking weapon..."

34
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,900
As you know, I am on
a mental gap year,

35
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,226
in Australia.

36
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,700
Or outback... as they say over here.

37
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,060
So I thought I'd email you,
not because I miss you lot

38
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,380
but because this place is a million
out of ten and you'll be well jel.

39
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,582
Life has never been better.

40
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,300
It's much better than when I was going out
with Jane, who I now no longer think about.

41
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,060
I'm living near a town called Sydney

42
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,867
and working at the most mental club
in Australia called Revolutions.

43
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,660
I am now their premier
number one DJ...

44
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,862
Good evening, ladies!

45
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,340
...going by the name of DJ Big Penis,

46
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,588
which everyone agrees
is the perfect name.

47
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,180
I've made so much cashola,
which is Australian for money,

48
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,300
that I've bought myself a fuck-off
mansion and filled it full of pussay.

49
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,220
And like Will's mum's appetite
for cock, it's enormous.

50
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,060
Before that, I was living with
Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin,

51
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,991
although he is tragic and
obviously not as cool as my dad.

52
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:38,866
What's that?

53
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,980
Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you
the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting,

54
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,182
which is Australian for knobbing.

55
00:03:47,106 --> 00:03:48,326
Yes!

56
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,140
They're total filth and
fuck like kangaroos,

57
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,547
all big teeth,
bouncing and wet pouches.

58
00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:00,626
I make love to them with a technique
I like to call the one-pump orgasm.

59
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:06,180
They absolutely love it. Name an
Aussie bird and I've fucked her.

60
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,740
Elle Macpherson: check.

61
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,860
Dame Edna Everage: check.

62
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,660
Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way?

63
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,100
I'd done that ten minutes
after getting off the plane.

64
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,500
And mates? I've made loads of cool
new mates who come round for dinner.

65
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,702
But really it's all about the birds.

66
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,940
Aussie sheilas just can't get enough
of Jay, especially the supermodels,

67
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,507
who, by the way,
love it up the shitter.

68
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,220
I've been woken up by a blowjob from
a different girl every single morning.

69
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,391
You can imagine what that's like,
waking up every morning to a blowie.

70
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,940
<i>What is this I'm feeling?</i>

71
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,420
They keep it so clean.

72
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,220
I haven't had to wash
my cock in weeks.

73
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,780
Basically, everything's better
than when I was with Jane,

74
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,623
who, as I mentioned,
I no longer think about.

75
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,300
<i>To give up who we are</i>

76
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,860
On the minus side, I've had to
punch out a few koala bears,

77
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,143
normally when they drop out of
the trees and try to fight me.

78
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,510
Mug! Have it!

79
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,580
But other than that, it's been bonza,
which is Australian for fucking brilliant.

80
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,060
Come and stay any time you like.

81
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,180
I guarantee I'll get you sucked
drier than Simon's mum's fanny.

82
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,620
Say hello to those other two
dozy pricks if you see them.

83
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,948
Tell your bent dad
he still can't bum me.

84
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,740
<i>- We're up all night for good fun</i>
- Oh.

85
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,660
And tell your fit sister
that I'd like to...

86
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,924
- Oh, no, come on.
- What does it say?

87
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:25,300
"I'd like to chew on those massive
juicy burger nipples of hers,

88
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,220
reach my thumb round and..."
Oh, no, it's too much.

89
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,540
Oi, get off!

90
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:30,700
Oi!

91
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,620
- Oh, there's more. "Flip her over..."
- What a lovely email.

92
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,260
"...spoodge down her face, over her back,
clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal..."

93
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,460
This goes on a bit.

94
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,900
Australia sounds a laugh.
Not like hanging out with you two.

95
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,740
Wish I'd gone to Australia this
weekend instead of shitty Bristol.

96
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,860
You know it's on the
other side of the world?

97
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,180
- Doubt it.
- Excuse me, mate. You're on.

98
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,780
Oh, at last, something decent.

99
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,187
- Is this seat taken?
- Yeah, sorry, it is.

100
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,900
- Have you got any friends at university?
- Of course I have, Simon.

101
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,780
I'm just lucky that I've managed to not
get tied down to a clique or a group.

102
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,780
- I'm free to hang out with anyone and everyone.
- Or no one.

103
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,380
You changed universities just
to be with your girlfriend.

104
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,020
I've got mates other than Lucy.
Pete, for one.

105
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,580
- Who's Pete?
- Pete from my halls.

106
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,023
I must have mentioned Pete.
Pete. Pete, my best mate.

107
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,900
My best mate at uni.

108
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,460
I do spend a lot of time with Lucy.

109
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,900
Although she has changed a
bit since we were on holiday.

110
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,260
And, well, what's the word
when someone's not nicer?

111
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,140
- Nastier?
- Yeah. I think that's it, maybe.

112
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,780
- She's nastier.
- Right, out. You're barred.

113
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,620
Barred? What?

114
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:33,981
Why?

115
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,300
That.

116
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,500
So we're all on the same page,
that's me, Will McKenzie,

117
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,700
seemingly Bristol University's
least popular undergraduate.

118
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,580
And that's my friend Simon, who's got
university relationship problems of his own.

119
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,940
Who's this fucking slut,
Kirsty Scott?

120
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,349
- Lucy, are you on my Facebook again?
- Goodbye, whore.

121
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,671
Simon, swear on your hoodie
you're not going to cheat on me.

122
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,785
What? Oh, no, please, Lucy,
that's my favourite.

123
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,660
- Lucy.
- Sorry, Simon.

124
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,466
But I just have to be sure.

125
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,664
I just love you so much.

126
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,500
I love you too, cuddles.

127
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,980
And finally, there's Neil.

128
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,784
At least he's made a new friend.

129
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:28,660
Buster.

130
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,340
I don't know what brand
of shower gel Neil uses,

131
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:33,660
but I suspect it might
be Pedigree Chum.

132
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:37,228
And as we headed back to my room, if I'd
assumed watching some low-level bestiality

133
00:07:37,328 --> 00:07:40,008
would be the low point of
my night, I was wrong.

134
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,702
Oh, not again!

135
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,627
Is your room in space?

136
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,867
Thank you, arseholes!

137
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,907
They've done a pretty
good job, to be fair.

138
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,348
I fucking hate it here.

139
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,140
To be honest, I'm glad
I chose not to do uni.

140
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,300
- More reality than a choice.
- Exactly.

141
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,420
- Maybe we should go to Australia.
- And surprise the fuck out of Jay!

142
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,740
- I was joking.
- Why?

143
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,980
It's better than hanging round old
men's pubs and dressing up as magic.

144
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,660
We get four weeks off for Easter.
I dread spending it with Lucy.

145
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,780
- Can we afford it?
- Will, they invented student loans

146
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,540
so students could go on holiday.

147
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,300
And I got a sweet bonus this month.

148
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,460
I'm the cleverest non-Asian
in the department.

149
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,460
I have always wanted
to go travelling.

150
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,900
I think I'd be good at it,
do it properly, not like Jay.

151
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,260
- How can you be good at it?
- He's staying in one place.

152
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,820
I'd explore, meet people, come back
a better and more rounded person.

153
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,864
He's getting sucked
off every morning.

154
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,831
Fuck it, I'm in.

155
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,100
So, goodbye, shitty Bristol.
I was off to Australia.

156
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,820
Now, petal, you know
how much I worry.

157
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,751
- So I've got you a special holiday gift.
- Oh, thanks, Mum.

158
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,380
It's...

159
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:56,786
a rape alarm.

160
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,580
What do you think is
gonna happen to me?

161
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,220
- Petal, I think you might get raped.
- Right.

162
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,740
Sweetie, it's better to have
a rape alarm and not need it

163
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,820
than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men
you may have, however innocently, led on.

164
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,700
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello, Kevin.

165
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,260
You sorry to see them leave?

166
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,140
Actually, it's handy
Neil's going away.

167
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,420
Give me a chance to get some
men in, to decorate his bedroom.

168
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,100
- Virgin Atlantic flight VS301
- That's our flight.

169
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,029
I am gonna miss you, petal.

170
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:23,820
Oh...

171
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,022
Yes, all right! Get off!

172
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,502
Be very careful, little soldier, OK?

173
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,180
- Your mum looks fit when she cries.
- Thank you.

174
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,429
- I bet she looked amazing when your dad left.
- Brilliant.

175
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,180
Off we went,
running away from our problems.

176
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,700
All I knew about Australia
was that if it could bite you,

177
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,100
sting you or eat you alive,

178
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,029
then it probably lived there.

179
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,500
But nothing had prepared us for
the beauty of Sydney Harbour.

180
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,862
And Neil was particularly impressed.

181
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,460
- What the fuck is that?
- What?

182
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,380
- That fucking thing.
- The Sydney Opera House?

183
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,060
No, that thing, the spaceship.
The spaceship, there.

184
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,860
That's the sightseeing done.
We need to find this club.

185
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,620
Hang on. Got a signal now.
Googlemappage to the rescue.

186
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,470
It's this way.

187
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,820
No way! That just cost me 20 quid.

188
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,300
Data roaming charges are
pretty extortionate abroad.

189
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,424
- Well, I'll just stand still, then.
- That's not really how it works.

190
00:10:24,184 --> 00:10:27,120
Another 20 quid? I'm not roaming now,
you useless piece of shit!

191
00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:29,229
- Just switch it off, Neil.
- Agh!

192
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,140
- Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now.
- Not sure that was strictly my fault.

193
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,540
We left the harbour to find Jay,

194
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,700
to see if he really was getting
sucked off every morning.

195
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,380
Cannot wait to see DJ
Big Penis rocking da house.

196
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,582
No, nor can I.

197
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,460
Ever taken a backpack or
a suitcase to a nightclub?

198
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,630
No, of course you haven't.
Because you're not a fucking idiot.

199
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,740
Hey!

200
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,942
<i>Let me take a selfie</i>

201
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,620
We had nowhere to stay

202
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,620
and, surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't
the club's premier number one DJ.

203
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,231
<i>Let me take a selfie</i>

204
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,220
I don't get it.
He said he worked here.

205
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,780
He also said he knocked out a
koala and fucked the Minogues.

206
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,100
- Legend.
- He's not here.

207
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,580
Have to spend the night in a hostel.

208
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:26,940
Aren't hostels a bit pikey?

209
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,820
Hostels are how
everyone does it, Simon.

210
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,420
Full of interesting people
who are travelling, like us.

211
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,260
I don't know. We visited Uncle Paul
in a hostel when he had cancer.

212
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,980
Wasn't very cool if I'm being honest.

213
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,580
- It also wasn't a hostel.
- Fine.

214
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,700
- If it's only one night, I suppose.
- Yeah.

215
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,020
- Least there might be some sexy nurses.
- There won't be.

216
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,665
Quick pizzle first?

217
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,307
That's it, sir.
Wash your fingers for the mingers.

218
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,660
No splash, no gash.
No Armani, no punani.

219
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,431
No Dolce & Gabbana,
no sucky your banana.

220
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,540
- Jay! Jay!
- Oh, fuck.

221
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,460
- Jay?
- No, pal, the name's Bruce.

222
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,260
What? Shut up, Jay.

223
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,300
Sorry, I've never heard
of this bloke Jay.

224
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,740
Oh, it's clearly not him. Let's go.

225
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,140
- So you're not Jay?
- It's Bruce, you fucking drongo.

226
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,660
- But you've got Jay's face.
- Nah.

227
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,180
And your sign says
"Jay's Pussay Juice... dollar a squirt."

228
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,782
- Coincidence.
- What's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up?

229
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,743
Course it's a bloody wind-up!

230
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,940
100% merked.

231
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,540
The looks on your faces.

232
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,300
You prize bellends.
I can't believe you fell for that.

233
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,940
- We didn't.
- It is you, Jay!

234
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,063
Epic bants!

235
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,910
All right, Neil, calm down.

236
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,260
Good to see you, man.

237
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,500
Just to clear one thing up, though.
You do work in a toilet, don't you?

238
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,180
I can see going to uni hasn't
made you any less of a retard.

239
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,100
Course I don't work
in a fucking toilet.

240
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,900
Why are you working
in a toilet, then?

241
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,340
It's a joke!

242
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,460
Don't worry, it probably went
over your heads. Whoosh.

243
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,060
I run this whole club.

244
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,980
- I'm my own boss.
- Boss of a toilet.

245
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,670
Well, drinks are on you, then.

246
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,260
- What, now?
- Yeah, now.

247
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,020
Yeah, great, perfect.

248
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,992
Jay's story made complete sense.
If I ran a nightclub,

249
00:13:06,092 --> 00:13:09,140
I'd definitely dress like a snooker
player and hang out in the toilets.

250
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,540
I cannot wait to hear the mad
bants you've been having.

251
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,020
Oh, mate, the bants in
Australia are legendary.

252
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,980
Cos I've been delivering
most of the bants.

253
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,340
- I'm like Banta Claus.
- I've got bants.

254
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,820
- Nudgies.
- You twat!

255
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,220
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

256
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,502
Oh, my God!

257
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,140
Oh, what? You don't
recognise me, do you?

258
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,380
Katie?

259
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,700
- Katie Evans from prep school?
- Maybe you do remember.

260
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,540
I'll never forget that sleepover
we had at Lloydie's house.

261
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,780
- I don't remember that.
- No, nor me.

262
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,980
How amazing to see you.
What an incredibly small world.

263
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,660
I don't know. Seems like every
kid from the Home Counties

264
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,420
- is out here doing a gap year.
- Yeah, what a cliché.

265
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,820
- So what are you up to?
- I'm doing a gap year.

266
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,180
The standard. India once,
India twice.

267
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,300
Love, heartbreak, silent retreat.

268
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,180
Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot.

269
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,500
Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes.

270
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,620
Indonesia, healers, reiki,
cafes, tears, revelations,

271
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,940
amazing people,
amazing conversations.

272
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,300
Unforgettable and life-changing
experiences. You?

273
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,662
I'm visiting my friend
who works in a toilet.

274
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:12,380
You always made me laugh, you nutter.

275
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,300
- What are you really doing?
- Travelling.

276
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,780
- Out here for four weeks.
- Oh, so you're on holiday.

277
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,700
No, travelling, I think.

278
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,020
What have you been up to without me?
Must have been shit.

279
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,700
- I've been at uni.
- That's bent.

280
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,620
What about you?
Been getting your dick wet?

281
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,940
- I went swimming.
- No, with fanny juice.

282
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,500
Oh, right. Er, no, not really.

283
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,860
I worked in the garage.
Now I'm working in the bank.

284
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,740
- Oh, you know your cousin Michelle?
- Yeah.

285
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,380
- I fingered her.
- Neil.

286
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,620
Tell me you're not staying
in Sydney, are you?

287
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,900
- It's so banker.
- No.

288
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,500
I'm going to...

289
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,460
- Er, where is it you're going?
- Byron Bay. It is awesome.

290
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:48,780
I've got a job there selling excursions,
like white-water rafting, zip lining, bungee.

291
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,180
I was actually just flyering to raise
some cash for the bus tomorrow.

292
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,420
Oh, well, it's been nice to see you.

293
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,100
What? I haven't seen you in ages.

294
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,140
- Why don't you come to Byron?
- You're inviting me?

295
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:03,020
Of course I'm inviting you.
Come to Byron.

296
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,580
Look, you would love the vibe.

297
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,180
It's so you. It's just totally chill.

298
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,460
Really, I'd love to,
but I'll have to ask the others.

299
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,140
I'll convince them.

300
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,100
- Is that them over there?
- No, no.

301
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,740
That's not them.

302
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,620
But I'm sure my actual
friends will be up for it.

303
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,020
Yay! Amazing!

304
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,587
Right, well, I will see
you tomorrow, then.

305
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,342
- What?
- Nothing.

306
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,500
- See you later... alligator.
- Love it.

307
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,350
I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.

308
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,380
- Who was that?
- Katie Evans from junior school.

309
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,700
- Definitely my first love.
- That is well Jimmy Savile.

310
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,700
- Just an old friend.
- That you wanna have sex with.

311
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,300
She might wanna have sex with me.

312
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,540
- She kissed me on the lips.
- Tongues?

313
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,140
- No, but...
- No, that don't count.

314
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,860
- My mum used to kiss me on the lips.
- When you were a child.

315
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,460
Couldn't have done it any other time.
She ran off when he was ten.

316
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,140
Girls don't kiss people on
the lips they don't fancy.

317
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,940
She's one of those mouth-kissing girls.
I've met loads at uni.

318
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,620
- Have you?
- I met one and then Lucy punched her.

319
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,700
I'm not surprised Briefcase
has had a sniff.

320
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,340
Australia is the sex capital of
the world. That's why I'm here.

321
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,980
They call it down under cos that's where
your face spends most of the time.

322
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,220
- Banter.
- I've spent plenty of time in the bush.

323
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,140
- The bush around the pussays.
- Bants.

324
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,300
Check these out. My new bants.

325
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,540
Hashtag mad bants.

326
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,140
- I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury.
- Bantom of the Opera.

327
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:20,420
- I don't get it.
- Whoosh.

328
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:21,620
Bant and Dec.

329
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,260
- Someone needs tickets to the bantomime.
- Eric Bantona.

330
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,540
Just saying "banter" or
"bants" over and over again

331
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,020
is not a substitute for
actual amusing conversation.

332
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,337
Briefcase banter.

333
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,943
Jay, what are you doing? Your shift
doesn't end for another four hours.

334
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,380
- Good one, Lizzie.
- Get back to work.

335
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,902
Yeah, I'll tell you what, you pretend
to be my boss. It'll be hilarious.

336
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:43,980
Anyway, we'd better go.

337
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,700
Take one step outside that door,
you're fucking sacked.

338
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,220
You mean you're sacked.
I just sacked you.

339
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,820
- Don't play the prick. You can't sack me.
- Just did, mate.

340
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,660
I'll see you later.
I've gotta go home.

341
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,180
Don't think we can't find another bottom
feeder to wipe piss off people's hands.

342
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:58,620
Good one, Lizzie.

343
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,420
I can't wait to see the mansion.

344
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,385
- Can I have a room with a hot tub?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

345
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,580
So this is the mansion?

346
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,500
A tent in your uncle's front garden?

347
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,540
It's only temporary. My new fuck
pad is still under construction.

348
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:11,700
In your mind.

349
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,140
I can't believe I've travelled
literally halfway round the world

350
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,620
to spend a month in a two-man tent.

351
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,060
Jay?

352
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,230
- Did you sweep that veranda this morning?
- Yes, Uncle Bryan.

353
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,260
Who are these pale little bastards?

354
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,820
- You butt-fucking boys in your tent?
- No, Uncle Bryan.

355
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,300
These are my friends from England.
Simon and Neil.

356
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,500
- And...?
- And Will.

357
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:33,980
Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane.

358
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,460
- How's Australia treating you fellas?
- Oh, what a place. So interesting...

359
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,660
Greatest fucking country on Earth.

360
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,460
I keep telling Jay that he should move here,
but he won't. Too much of a pussy,

361
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,540
which is a shame, cos we could do with
some white immigration for a change.

362
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:47,740
Right.

363
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,820
Jay told us about the
sheilas he's been shagging.

364
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,060
Has he? Well, that's bullshit.
Closest this little runt's come to some vag

365
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,180
is when the dog dripped
period down his leg.

366
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,980
- Don't pretend you didn't get a boner.
- Good one, Bry.

367
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,020
- What's that?
- Nothing, Uncle Bryan.

368
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,940
Hey, some nights for shits and giggles,
me and Shano shine a torch through the tent,

369
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,270
we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted
like, bashing away on his little platypus.

370
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,420
You understand when I say
platypus I mean cock?

371
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,020
- Yeah.
- And guess what?

372
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,916
He's gone and dug a hole
in the ground to fuck.

373
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,500
I'm just kidding. It's a wormhole,
cos his dick's so small. Get it?

374
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,980
But I'm not kidding about the hole,
he has got that, and a small dick,

375
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,023
which he fucks the hole
in the ground with.

376
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,500
Right.

377
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,100
- We should put our stuff in the tent.
- Yeah, all right. I'll see youse later.

378
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,302
Hey, careful you don't
fall in the fuck hole.

379
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,580
- He's nice, isn't he?
- He's all right. He's just...

380
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,180
- Australian?
- Yeah.

381
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,900
It's pretty obvious we can't
stay in here for four weeks.

382
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,260
I propose we go travelling.

383
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,180
Oh, my gosh. Think of the bants!

384
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,220
If we're travelling,
there's only one place to go.

385
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:49,540
Ooh. Uluru?

386
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,500
The Great Barrier Reef?
Fraser Island?

387
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,780
No, none of that boring shit.
Splash Planet.

388
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,500
- I'm sorry?
- Splash Planet.

389
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,940
The whole of Australia and you're
suggesting we visit a water park?

390
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,300
If you hadn't spent the last six months
at uni wanking off to Shakespeare,

391
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,340
you'd know that water parks are
the ultimate place to fuck girls.

392
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,500
Scientists have proved the water pressure
on their clitties gives them such a wide-on,

393
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,820
when they get off the rides,
they're gagging for it.

394
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,900
- No word of a lie.
- Some word of a lie.

395
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,940
Where did the scientists get their
funding from? The University of Sex?

396
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,340
Oh, fuck off!

397
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,700
Fucking leave me alone! Can I not have
one fucking day without you abusing me?

398
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:25,507
- Is that your mum?
- No, Lucy. She's burnt my trainers.

399
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,540
You need to end it, Si.

400
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,140
I know. I know.

401
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,860
Get your dad to text her, tell her
you've died. That's what I do.

402
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,100
Right. I think at least I
need to tell her to her face.

403
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,900
My uncle's got Skype.
Go and dump the nightmare now.

404
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,780
That's unfair. You don't know her.
Though she is a fucking nightmare.

405
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,460
- I'll do it, Si.
- No, it's all right. I'm going.

406
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,340
- Wish me luck.
- Bad luck.

407
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,190
Close enough.

408
00:19:50,546 --> 00:19:51,660
Yo.

409
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,020
- Hey! Beer?
- No, thanks.

410
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,580
Is it OK to use the computer?

411
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,940
Yeah, course it is, mate.

412
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,347
Jay's always on there chubby chasing.

413
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,620
OK, I've worked it out.

414
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,940
We wanna go travelling,
you wanna go to Splash Planet,

415
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,420
which means the best place
to stay is here, Byron Bay.

416
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:14,820
Oh, where mouth-kiss bird is?

417
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,580
It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet,
on the beach, there's loads of cool hostels

418
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,820
and it's easy to get jobs
should we need money.

419
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,420
I've always wanted to
be a dolphin trainer.

420
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,700
- Have you?
- You should go to Splash Planet.

421
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,660
- You'll get that job there.
- You won't.

422
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,220
Look, we're English, right?

423
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,140
Just finishing school in England makes us
ten times cleverer than any Australian.

424
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,860
We're like doctors or rocket scientists
over here. You can get any job you want.

425
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,300
- Even dolphin trainer?
- Course.

426
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,740
Turn up, tell 'em your English.

427
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,060
I am 100% certain that is not how
you get a job as a dolphin trainer.

428
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,180
Who's been living in Australia
for months? Me, that's who.

429
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,260
Yes, in a tent.

430
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,220
You calling your mummy
for a good night kiss?

431
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,500
Oh, no, I have...
I have to Skype my girlfriend.

432
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,225
You got a girlfriend?

433
00:20:54,863 --> 00:20:58,140
Well done, mate. Looking at you,
no offence, I'm amazed.

434
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,980
- What's wrong with her?
- Nothing.

435
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,182
I'll be the judge of that.
Give us a look at her.

436
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,940
Fuck me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.

437
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,340
- Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose so.
- Suppose?

438
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,820
Mate, if that was my sheila,
I wouldn't leave her side.

439
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,100
- You're getting married, right?
- No.

440
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,540
No? Fuck me, mate.

441
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,020
Look at that. Then look at you.

442
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,140
You could live to be a billion,
you'll never get a root better than that.

443
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,660
We sometimes argue a bit,
and we're quite young.

444
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,020
Cash your chips, mate.

445
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,268
That's the best you'll get ever.

446
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,820
At last. Where have you been?

447
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,700
- I haven't heard from you in days.
- I've been on a plane.

448
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,060
That was yesterday,
you fucking moron.

449
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,820
Look, I think we need to talk.

450
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,460
I've checked your emails.
They're clean for now.

451
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,460
What's there to talk about?

452
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,947
- Look, I wanted to say...
- Will you marry me?

453
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,660
- What was that?
- No, no. What, what it was...

454
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:44,940
Simon.

455
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,666
- No, what it was was...
- Say it again.

456
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:49,629
What, will you marry me?

457
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,342
Yes! Yes!

458
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,300
Oh, my God! I thought
you'd never ask.

459
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,629
- No, wait a minute, Lucy...
- What? What?

460
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,900
Nothing.

461
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,174
I'm so happy.

462
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,700
Oh, my God. Where's my...

463
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,860
Where's my phone?
I need to ring people.

464
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,903
Congratulations, mate.

465
00:22:18,876 --> 00:22:20,068
Where's my phone?

466
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,923
Here he is.

467
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,460
- Well?
- I can't go back home now.

468
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,580
- She didn't take being dumped too well?
- Did not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.

469
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,420
Oh, well done.

470
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,780
You bellend!

471
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,140
Genuine question: have I just
fucked up my entire life?

472
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,580
Course not. Just cos you promise people
stuff doesn't mean you have to do it.

473
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,420
I once told Comic Relief I'd raise three
million quid by selling selfies of my cock.

474
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,780
- In the end, didn't bother.
- Right. I mean, I...

475
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,420
- Not sure how that helps my situation.
- Make something up.

476
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,220
The drive up to Byron's 12 hours.
We'll think of something.

477
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,340
Drive? I thought we
were taking the bus.

478
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,220
Fuck that. I've got a car.
Bought it off Cousin Shane.

479
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,220
And considering it's an awesome
custom job, he done me a great deal.

480
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,980
Let's sleep on it. I'd like to get the bus
but I'm sure we can reach a compromise.

481
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,460
You're gonna keep talking
till we do what you want?

482
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:06,821
No.

483
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,990
Oh, I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.

484
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,500
<i>Oh</i>

485
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,060
<i>Oh oh ohhh</i>

486
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,260
So, compromise reached,

487
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,940
the next day we did what I wanted
and headed to the bus station,

488
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,100
which was full of other cool
people travelling to Byron Bay.

489
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,820
The Darien Gap is really all that's
left of untouched jungle in the world.

490
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,500
- Yeah.
- I'm going to do South America.

491
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,940
- I might try it.
- Yeah, you don't really try it.

492
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,020
It's a five-day trek and you
only sleep in hammocks.

493
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,340
Man, I got the shits so bad,

494
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,140
they used up the whole group's
medical supplies treating me.

495
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,660
It's so dangerous,
most guides won't even take you.

496
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,740
- Yeah, I found that.
- Shame.

497
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,380
So I walked it by myself,
unaccompanied, Panama to Colombia.

498
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,780
Unaccompanied? I...

499
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,820
- I thought that was illegal.
- It is, yeah,

500
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,820
but it's better that way,
because you meet the real locals

501
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,580
and there's none of that luxury bullshit
like hammocks and medical supplies.

502
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,980
So if you do get the shits,
or malaria, like I did,

503
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,460
then you just get on with it,
do you know what I mean?

504
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,310
Wow. What an experience.

505
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,500
Sounds incredible. Amazing stuff.

506
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,429
I'm Will, by the way.

507
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,746
You know, I used to have long hair too.
Not dreads, but pretty long.

508
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,662
Yep. Had it all cut just
before we came out travelling.

509
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,429
Well, that's an interesting story.

510
00:24:21,310 --> 00:24:24,910
Will, you made it.
Byron, here we come.

511
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,380
So you've met the rest of the gang?

512
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:30,940
We were chatting about South America,
my experiments with hair styles and shit.

513
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,220
Classic travelling shit.

514
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,620
I got you that McFlurry.
Jay says get a fucking move on.

515
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,980
- Oh, so are you guys travelling too?
- Yeah.

516
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,380
Yeah. It's my second
foreign holiday in a year.

517
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,620
- First we all went Malia.
- We went ironically.

518
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,780
It was brilliant.
They had jet skis you could rent.

519
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:44,980
Wow. Do tell us more.

520
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,467
They're like motorbikes
without wheels but on water.

521
00:24:51,537 --> 00:24:52,840
Good one!

522
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,420
- I'm Neil Sutherland as it goes.
- Ben.

523
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,220
- Is that your whole name?
- No.

524
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,741
Does it matter?
It's Ben Thornton-Wilde.

525
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,100
- Which one?
- What?

526
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,460
- Thornton or Wilde?
- It's double-barrelled.

527
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:07,460
Choose one depending
on how you're feeling?

528
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:10,140
No, no, those...
those are both my last name.

529
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,140
What? Shut up.

530
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,303
That is mental. Will,
Ben here has got two last names,

531
00:25:15,403 --> 00:25:18,049
but it's actually just one name.
Have you heard of that?

532
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,900
Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.

533
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,546
Koala Coaches departure
to Byron Bay...

534
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,311
Finally.

535
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,420
Departing now at stand 14.

536
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,540
- Are you coming, then?
- Me? Oh, no.

537
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,820
- I thought you were coming north with me.
- I am, just not on the bus.

538
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,860
My friends wanted to
travel by car, so...

539
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,860
So you've been waiting at a bus
station for ages in your backpack

540
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,869
even though you're going by car?

541
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,903
- That's a bit weird, isn't it?
- Yeah. See you in Byron.

542
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,420
So off we went. We didn't know
exactly how to get to Byron Bay.

543
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,460
So we just followed the
bus that Katie was on,

544
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,662
perhaps a little too closely.

545
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,860
She looks well freaked out.

546
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,666
- Might it have anything to do with the car?
- Doubt it.

547
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,660
- A few questions about the car...
- Fire away.

548
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,900
One: just why did you buy it?

549
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,340
I needed a cool set of wheels
and Shano did me a deal.

550
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,380
Two: is Shano a big Peter Andre fan?

551
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,620
Shane's not stupid.
The birds love Peter Andre.

552
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,380
Not sure anyone loves anything
enough to have sex with Shano.

553
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,620
What are you talking about?

554
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,140
He got so much anal in here,
I had to hose down the footwell.

555
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,540
This is the classic
Aussie Shaggin' Wagon.

556
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,060
- Is it?
- It's the fuck truck.

557
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,700
- The mobile virgin conversion unit.
- We should use it on Will.

558
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:32,954
Brilliant.

559
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:41,580
I can't wait to get a job training dolphins,
even though it's bad how they're treated.

560
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,700
Did you know, all they
feed 'em is raw fish?

561
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,420
Oh, that is grim.

562
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,220
I'd puke if all I ate was fish.
That is bang out of order.

563
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,260
- Imagine it, just raw fish.
- Their diet is fish.

564
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,740
- Yeah, cos that's all they're given.
- But also because that's what they eat.

565
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:55,940
It's so cruel, you know.

566
00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:00,460
No burgers, no KFC, no Nando's on
birthdays, nothing. How would you like it?

567
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,260
Well, if all I ate was fish,
I probably wouldn't mind it.

568
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,140
All right, yes or no, how would
you like to just eat raw fish?

569
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:07,420
Well, if I was a dolphin...

570
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,140
- Yes or no?
- You can't compare...

571
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:10,940
- Yes or no?
- They're marine biologists.

572
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,500
- Yes or no?
- It's not as simple as...

573
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,065
Only raw fish, yes or no?

574
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,782
- No!
- Correct.

575
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,421
"Bryan Bay", next left.

576
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:34,060
Finally, we made it to Byron Bay,
and I'd never seen anywhere like it.

577
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,740
It was buzzing with life,

578
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,342
or in Jay's opinion,
absolutely rammed full of bellends.

579
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:43,420
But if there was one place where a car
featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits

580
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,780
wouldn't raise an eyebrow,

581
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,982
it was the Arts Factory Lodge hostel.

582
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,780
OK, Jay. Please park the car
where no-one can see it.

583
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,106
No.

584
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,740
Oh, Ben. Ben, mate!

585
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,820
- Man. I meant "man".
- Hey, guys. How's the holiday?

586
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,940
What's on the tourist
itinerary for tomorrow?

587
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,940
Ha! That's funny.
You know we're not tourists.

588
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,980
- Splash Planet.
- I'm gonna work with dolphins.

589
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,389
- Start at the bottom, work my way up.
- Like father, like son.

590
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,580
His dad's bent.

591
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,020
I'll begin with the easy stuff,
cleaning out their cages and that.

592
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,500
So participating in the
enslavement of animals. Wow.

593
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,749
- Have you heard of ethically travelling?
- Is that with Ryan Gosling?

594
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:23,980
OK, er... we'll see you around.

595
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:25,300
Yeah, great.

596
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:27,420
- When?
- What?

597
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,460
Oh, I just wondered when
you'd see us around.

598
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,300
Is there a good time?

599
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,900
- It's a figure of speech.
- Cool. Catch you later, mate.

600
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,102
Mate? Man. Man.

601
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,380
He's all right, isn't he?

602
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,503
No, not really.

603
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:49,100
The hostel was laid-back, cool and the
kind of place where anything goes.

604
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,871
Anything except,
it seemed, deodorant.

605
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,910
Smells a bit in here.

606
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,711
Shotgun.

607
00:28:56,060 --> 00:28:58,022
Unlucky. Top-bunk wankers.

608
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,300
Oh, fuck off, Neil. I want some hottie
above me, not your rotting arsehole.

609
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,660
I just wanna be near you.

610
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,340
I've been thinking. Do we really
need to go to Splash Planet?

611
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:07,740
Yes. Yes, we do.

612
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,420
But it's so tacky and
gaudy and full of idiots.

613
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,420
- It's my lifetime's ambition.
- You first mentioned it yesterday.

614
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:16,020
- Don't kill my dreams, Will.
- Oh! Hello, nutter.

615
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,580
You made it.

616
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,340
So, er, what are you up
to tomorrow? Any plans?

617
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:25,420
We thought we might travel somewhere
ethical, an Aboriginal... cave.

618
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,700
That's a shame.
I'm going to Splash Planet.

619
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,420
It looks brilliant.

620
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:30,900
It does, doesn't it?

621
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,340
- You just said it was tacky.
- What? Shut up.

622
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,500
You said it was full of idiots.
Are you an idiot, Katie?

623
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:37,700
They're being funny.
Stop being so funny, you guys.

624
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,900
Well, I must be an idiot, then,
because I think it looks amazing.

625
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:42,420
I can get you tickets if you like.

626
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:43,940
Really? Fantastic.

627
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:45,580
- Four, please.
- Cool. Done.

628
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,940
Right, I'm gonna go and sit
by the fire. Fancy coming?

629
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,620
Yeah. I just need to Skype home first.
My mother worries.

630
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,426
Crazy. Right, well,
I'll see you in a bit, then.

631
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,220
- You all right?
- Wait, I'm thinking.

632
00:29:58,320 --> 00:29:59,626
- About what?
- Wait.

633
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:01,940
What is it?

634
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:05,383
Has anyone ever said anything less cool
to a girl than "My mother worries"?

635
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:07,954
"Bye."

636
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:13,260
Splash Planet wasn't one of the great
Australian tourist attractions

637
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,383
but it did have one
sight I wanted to see.

638
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,420
Katie in a bikini.

639
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,305
First, I just had to Skype
the other woman in my life.

640
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,380
- Really?
- I haven't seen your mum for six months.

641
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,300
I need to refresh the
image in the wank bank.

642
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,060
Surely watching Simon dump Lucy
has to be more fun than this.

643
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,500
Nothing's more fun than your mum.

644
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:34,580
Hello, darling. I can't see you.

645
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,340
Yeah, you've not got your
video on, same as every time.

646
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,540
- Where's the button?
- Where it always is.

647
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,061
Where I have to point you
every single time we Skype.

648
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,060
Then move the camera down, remember?

649
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,580
- What camera?
- Come on. We've done this.

650
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,260
The camera. It's on
top of the laptop.

651
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:52,060
- Just tip the lid forward.
- How's that?

652
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:53,340
- Move it up!
- Perfect.

653
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:54,580
Oh, is that Neil?

654
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,380
- Can you both just fuck off?
- Don't be rude to your friends.

655
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,301
- He gets grump grumps when he gets tired.
- Just move the camera back.

656
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:04,820
Finally.

657
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,540
Look, I just wanted to check in,
tell you I've met some great new people...

658
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:10,460
Oh, is... is Grandma staying over?

659
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:11,860
No. Why would you say that?

660
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:14,740
You've got two bowls and
two mugs out for breakfast.

661
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,020
Oh, yes, so I have.

662
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:17,340
So who's staying over?

663
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:18,580
Your grandma.

664
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,740
You just said she wasn't.

665
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:22,660
Did I?

666
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,700
Think it must be
the connection, darling.

667
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,580
Yeah, terrible connection.
You're breaking up.

668
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,782
I love you. Speak soon.

669
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,100
She's getting fucked, I reckon.

670
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,260
Meanwhile, it was second
time lucky for Simon.

671
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,900
The only way this Skype with Lucy
could go worse than the first

672
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,700
was if he somehow got her pregnant.

673
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:46,180
Hello, baby boo. I love you.

674
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,860
- Lucy?
- Come on.

675
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,980
- Now you say it.
- No.

676
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,100
Look, there's something
I need to do right now.

677
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,900
- Put it away. There are elderly people present.
- What the fuck?

678
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,180
Popped round to see our
new daughter-in-law.

679
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,860
Simon, we're so delighted for you.

680
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,700
You'll have to start planning
as soon as you get back.

681
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:05,020
- Thanks for stating the fucking obvious.
- Oi, this is a happy occasion.

682
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,660
It's OK. It's an emotional time.

683
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,820
Come on, Pam,
let's leave these love birds to it.

684
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,860
Don't you two get carried away.

685
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,980
Me and Mum have seen plenty of videos
that start like this on the internet. Plenty.

686
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:16,670
Alan, please.

687
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:19,820
They're so nice.

688
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:21,624
They're fucking idiots.

689
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,140
We've all agreed on
a date, so that's good.

690
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,860
- You've set a date?
- And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.

691
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,140
I just hope Jane will
come back from Australia.

692
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,180
No, Lucy, I'm in Australia,
not Jane, remember?

693
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,700
I'm not fucking senile, Simon.

694
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,940
I know you're there. She's there too.

695
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,180
- Why didn't you mention it?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

696
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,740
I forgot I'm meant to give you
minute-by-minute updates

697
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:42,980
on my friends' movements.

698
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:46,620
OK, so Suzanne is moving in with Steve
because she's missed her period.

699
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:49,900
And Louise is back in Coventry
because she's self-harming again.

700
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,864
Is that enough detail?

701
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,064
Yes, that's great, thank you.

702
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:02,100
The vibe at the hostel was incredible and
it was clear we weren't at home any more.

703
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,380
Things were different,

704
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,540
and it was nice to see that Simon,
Neil and especially Jay

705
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:08,700
were embracing this new environment.

706
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,260
Oh, no! Why is there always
some cunt with a guitar?

707
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,260
If anyone starts playing
the bongos, I'm leaving.

708
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,460
If the bongos start,
I'm burning the place down.

709
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:17,700
Open your minds, guys.
We're backpacking now.

710
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:20,140
- Get into the backpacking vibe.
- Vibe?

711
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,620
We're by a fire listening to
some posh prick play guitar.

712
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:25,710
- How much more backpacking can it get?
- Please don't ruin this for me.

713
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:27,826
Katie.

714
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:30,181
Nudgies.

715
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,140
- Enjoy the trip?
- Are you OK?

716
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:36,310
Yep. Yep. Totally fine.
Good one, man.

717
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,900
- Looks like you've got front-row seats.
- Yeah. Lucky me.

718
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,580
At least you're here to
cheer me up, though. Hi.

719
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,140
Katie, can I play you a song?

720
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:47,620
No, I'm good, thanks.

721
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:49,940
God, that guy can be such a dick.

722
00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,500
- Really?
- Yeah. Look at him.

723
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:54,420
He always has to be
the centre of attention.

724
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,260
How can anyone wear that many friendship
bracelets? No-one has that many friends.

725
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,900
How is giving a stinking piece
of string a show of friendship?

726
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,865
I know, right? I mean,
I only wear, what, like seven.

727
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:06,740
Actually, I made one for you.

728
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,307
- D'you want it?
- Yeah, great. I love these.

729
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:13,791
OK, Katie, this is your last chance.
What can I play for you?

730
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,551
How about The Sound Of Silence?

731
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,620
What the fuck?

732
00:34:23,720 --> 00:34:26,300
Oh, Jay, you know Jane's
in Australia, right?

733
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:28,980
- What? Who?
- The fat bird that dumped you.

734
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,420
She did not fucking dump me, Neil.

735
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,620
- But you cried.
- Tears of joy probably.

736
00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:34,820
Well, Lucy told me
Jane's here in Australia.

737
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,431
So? Like I give a shit.

738
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,580
- Weird, though. Amazing coincidence.
- Maybe she's come to get you back.

739
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:43,900
She should be so lucky. You know
the first rule of Banter Brigade.

740
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,940
- You're only allowed one fatty?
- Ha!

741
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,820
No, that... that is a very
funny joke, though, but no.

742
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,660
What is it again? I know it,
but I've just forgotten for a minute.

743
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:53,380
- All the Fs...
- Oh, yeah.

744
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:55,100
Find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em.

745
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:57,340
No, Neil. All the Fs.

746
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,620
Find 'em, Frenchy 'em,
get 'em frothy,

747
00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:00,980
finger 'em, frig 'em,

748
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,340
film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em,

749
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,660
fanny fart 'em, fuck 'em, frot 'em,

750
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:09,180
fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em
and then finally forget about 'em.

751
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,820
Just like what I done with Jane,
or whatever her name was.

752
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:13,660
Sorry, I switched off after "frig".

753
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:16,060
You aren't bothered
about Jane being here?

754
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:17,180
No.

755
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,620
Did you know that laughter
is intensely spiritual?

756
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:22,740
So that means that
you're very spiritual.

757
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:25,820
Would you say you're spiritual?

758
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,180
It's quite a vague way to
describe a whole person.

759
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,269
Could you just narrow it down at all?

760
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:36,660
So, what I'm saying, right,
is that I think you're spiritual.

761
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,100
Yep, and I'm saying that's great...

762
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:43,700
really great, but what do you mean?
Don't wanna sign up for something I'm not.

763
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,902
Oh... OK.

764
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,460
Actually, I've had a think
about it and I am spiritual.

765
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,380
I knew it! Do you wanna get drunk?

766
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,344
On goon? Yes, please.

767
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,260
Did you really not know
Jane was in Australia?

768
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:00,580
Don't talk bollocks, Si.

769
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,100
If I'd have known that,
why would I have come here?

770
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,780
Because you wanna get her back?
Because you miss her?

771
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:15,180
- Is your lip all right?
- Yep.

772
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,580
She's at the water park, isn't she?
That's why you wanna go.

773
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,620
I made a mistake, all right?

774
00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:21,740
I made a mistake and I'm
trying to make it better.

775
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,220
- Why didn't you see her before?
- I was building up to it.

776
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,940
And now you're here, I'm gonna do it.

777
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:27,740
So just don't fucking tell anyone.

778
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,580
- Tell anyone what?
- About your dad's world record.

779
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,750
- My dad's got a world record?
- Yeah. Most dogs' cocks in one mouth.

780
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,700
Hey, hey, hey! It's the dudes.

781
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,060
How are we, dudes?

782
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:42,070
Am I right in thinking my young
friends might be up for a little...?

783
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,221
Darts? I don't think
they've got a board.

784
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:48,500
You guys are so funny.

785
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:51,943
No. Anyone mind if I skin up? As if.

786
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:54,700
See, Stephen?

787
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:57,187
Nobody fucking minds!

788
00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:01,344
That's right, run away from our
problems like you always do.

789
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,380
Oh, fuck.

790
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,060
Oh, fucking leave me alone.

791
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:10,180
Oh, God, do I really have
to marry that lunatic?

792
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:12,860
Well, I asked her, so, yes, I have.

793
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,340
God, how has this happened?

794
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:15,985
Marriage woes, yeah?

795
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,031
Dr Doobs prescribes a
toke of Jesper's finest.

796
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:22,829
A friend with weed
is a friend indeed.

797
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,660
All right, cheers.

798
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,940
- Si.
- What? I'm a fucking mess.

799
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,869
She's cutting up all my hoodies.

800
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,189
Oh, God.

801
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:35,744
Yes.

802
00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:39,380
Ooh.

803
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:42,220
Fucking hell, mate,
you are the full package.

804
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,940
You're funny and spiritual.

805
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,860
I can't believe you're single.

806
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,267
It is hard to believe,
but I am single.

807
00:37:49,820 --> 00:37:52,700
I never know when you're
joking and when you're not.

808
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,586
But, let me tell you, if you could play
guitar, I would jump you right now.

809
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,020
Actually, I can play guitar.

810
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,460
Fuck off!

811
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,620
I've had a lot of time on
my own at uni to practise.

812
00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:09,063
Fucking knockout!
Go on, then, mate. Give us a song.

813
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,270
OK.

814
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:19,870
Hey, Ben, man, can I have a go, man?

815
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,300
Wow.

816
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,580
Well, you don't really
have a go with a guitar.

817
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,340
It's... Not in front of
this many people, you know.

818
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:30,146
I just wanna play a song for
a friend, for... for Katie.

819
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,300
- Sure you've got this?
- Yeah, I think so.

820
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,460
- It's quite a lot of people...
- I can handle it.

821
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,820
- OK, well, just go for it, man.
- I'm trying to.

822
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:40,580
Just take the guitar.

823
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:43,545
Remove your hand from the
neck of the guitar, then.

824
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:47,071
Thank you. Thanks, man.

825
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,900
This is a... slight change
of mood but

826
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,670
Yeah, hope you like it.

827
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,381
<i>The first time</i>

828
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:13,021
<i>Ever I saw your face</i>

829
00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:15,420
What is he doing?

830
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,500
<i>I thought the sun</i>

831
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:18,860
It's weird. I don't like it.

832
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:24,066
<i>Rose in your eyes</i>

833
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:30,460
<i>And the moon and the stars...</i>

834
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:32,940
I'm trying to stop watching,
but I can't.

835
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:37,748
<i>Were the gifts you gave</i>

836
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:42,100
<i>To the dark</i>

837
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:47,227
<i>And the empty sky</i>

838
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,224
<i>And the first time</i>

839
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:02,270
<i>Ever I kissed your mouth</i>

840
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,260
<i>I felt your heart</i>

841
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:12,183
<i>So close to mine</i>

842
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,589
Right, well, I'm going to bed.

843
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,620
Neil, you coming?

844
00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,629
No, I might wait a bit.

845
00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,820
<i>The first time</i>

846
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,150
<i>Ever I saw</i>

847
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,310
<i>Your face</i>

848
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,948
<i>Your face</i>

849
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:40,302
<i>Your face</i>

850
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:42,703
<i>Your face</i>

851
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:47,469
<i>Your face</i>

852
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:49,871
Your face.

853
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,780
Oh. This is very nice.

854
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:57,300
Is it a little bit public?

855
00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,540
No-one cares.

856
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,584
Ooh. Hello. I sort of care.

857
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:04,340
Should we be doing this here?

858
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:06,740
This is what travelling's about.
Now, get in bed.

859
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,380
I'm on the top bunk.

860
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,470
Look, you just lie
there and I'll ride you.

861
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:15,540
Oh, what is this?

862
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,300
That's very hard.

863
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,628
Sorry. Let me get
that out of the way.

864
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:27,020
This is someone else's bed. Let's get
on my bunk. It's just up there.

865
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:29,063
You're so sexy.

866
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,580
Katie, this is great,
but you're very drunk.

867
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:41,100
Why don't we get a hotel
for tomorrow? My treat.

868
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,302
- Anything. You're gorgeous.
- Ssh.

869
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:49,780
Nah.

870
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:51,940
What? You're no fun!

871
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:53,340
I am. I am fun.

872
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,542
It's just... here?

873
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,426
Come on, let's have fun here.

874
00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:02,220
Yeah, do it like that.

875
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:04,422
That's nice.

876
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,069
Yeah.

877
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,022
Your friend is asleep on my bed.

878
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,861
Now, this is not what it looks like.

879
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:24,665
You piece of shit!

880
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:35,780
After I'd explained to everyone
that it was my rape alarm,

881
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,820
and once they'd stopped laughing,
we got some sleep.

882
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,420
The next morning, Simon was
the first person in history

883
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,260
to get the munchies ten
hours after smoking a joint.

884
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:45,820
- You two not having breakfast?
- No.

885
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:48,780
I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
Gets worse when I get stressed.

886
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:50,580
I'm finding travelling stressful.

887
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:52,940
You should have seen me
sweating in the toilet block.

888
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,180
It's not even runny. It's just like
massive ones firing 'emselves out.

889
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,060
This foreign muck I'm
eating don't help.

890
00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:01,020
- You've only eaten McDonald's.
- Yeah, Australian McDonald's.

891
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,740
- Good morning.
- Here he is, the singing sex pest.

892
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:05,620
Say what you like. The song worked.

893
00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:07,060
- Someone had a good night.
- Yes.

894
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:09,860
After the unpleasantness
with Agnetha was sorted out.

895
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:12,020
I think we have to call
last night a success.

896
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:14,900
A beautiful girl wants to have
sex with me. Oh, and there she is.

897
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:16,829
Yoo-hoo! Katie!

898
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,700
Katie! Katie!

899
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:21,980
Fucking hell, mate.
There's no need to shout.

900
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:24,023
Goon hangovers are the worst.

901
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:28,228
Look, it's all right, mate.
I can walk.

902
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,820
God, I was so pissed last night.

903
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:32,260
You were a little. You passed out.

904
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:35,540
- I remember, like, an alarm or something?
- Yeah, don't worry about that.

905
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:39,740
Apart from that I literally cannot
remember a single thing that happened.

906
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:43,540
It goes straight from sitting round
the fire to puking this morning.

907
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:44,820
Oh.

908
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,830
Oh, my God. Did we?

909
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:49,780
Well, sort of.

910
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,420
- We fucked?
- No.

911
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:52,860
- Did we kiss?
- Yes.

912
00:43:54,839 --> 00:43:57,420
Oh, my God! That is so funny.

913
00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:00,146
- Isn't that funny?
- A bit.

914
00:44:00,500 --> 00:44:02,865
God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk.

915
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,140
- Bad?
- Oh, no, no, not in that way.

916
00:44:06,240 --> 00:44:07,420
Not that you're not, like...

917
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,580
Oh, my God, I'm digging myself a hole here.
Change the subject, Katie.

918
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:14,580
I'm gonna go and get some breakfast and I'll,
er, I'll catch up with you in a bit, OK?

919
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:16,780
I've got to work out what
adventures people are on today.

920
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:19,340
Got the money for those
Splash Planet tickets?

921
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:21,420
Yes, of course.
How much do we owe you?

922
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:22,900
400 bucks.

923
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,740
400? I thought it was $75 a ticket.

924
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:27,940
It is, but there's this
premium when I get them.

925
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,302
- It's just a thing.
- Oh, OK. Cool.

926
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:38,189
Looks like I'll have to get out
my mum's emergency stash.

927
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:39,900
Oh. All right, kinky.

928
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:41,660
Ha. No, no, it's not that.

929
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:45,342
She gave me a bit extra for
emergencies as a precautionary thing.

930
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:54,143
Well, cheers, mate.
I'll see you at the water park.

931
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:58,111
- So I've sorted out the...
- Wait. I'm thinking.

932
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:04,791
<i>Swimming, swimming, swimming,
swimming, swimming</i>

933
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:07,104
<i>Just stay in your lanes...</i>

934
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:09,860
To be fair,
Splash Planet looked amazing.

935
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:14,180
And even though Jay insisted that 80%
of the water was made up of vaginal fluid,

936
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,189
we still couldn't wait
to try out the rides,

937
00:45:16,720 --> 00:45:18,540
or, better still, work there.

938
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,580
I'm looking for a job
as a dolphin trainer.

939
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:22,540
Are you a qualified marine biologist?

940
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:24,060
No, but I'm English.

941
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:26,020
OK. We don't have any jobs.

942
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:28,460
But you can swim with
them for 75 bucks.

943
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,071
Oh, cool, like work experience?

944
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:32,744
- No.
- All right, I'm in.

945
00:45:33,720 --> 00:45:36,060
- Did you get the job, then?
- No.

946
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,860
- That's well racist.
- I'm gonna swim with one, though.

947
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,108
And I'm gonna give
it the time of its life.

948
00:45:42,600 --> 00:45:45,620
Is it just me or did it sound like
he's gonna wank off a dolphin?

949
00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:47,424
That is what it sounded like.

950
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:50,820
We split up and I went to find Katie.

951
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:54,100
Last night she said I was sexy.
So, today, I just had to seal the deal,

952
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:56,220
by laughing at anything
she said or did.

953
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,220
Got ya.

954
00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:00,580
Yes. Yes, you did.
What a good joke that is.

955
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:02,430
- Always funny.
- Hi.

956
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:07,069
Let's get on these rides, then.
It's the best hangover cure ever!

957
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,070
Yes.

958
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:16,222
I've heard the water pressure on
some of these slides is quite... high.

959
00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:19,220
Oh, look out. Hypocrite alert.

960
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:21,940
Ben, you came! Cool. Hi.

961
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:25,260
Hi. Yeah, I wanted to see what
the tourists saw in the place.

962
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,420
I'm not a tourist, man.
I've got a backpack, for one.

963
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,340
In Bolivia, they say,
"If you put a shell on a donkey,

964
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,260
does that make him a crab?"

965
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,464
- Don't know what that means, Ben.
- You'll find out.

966
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:44,468
- Right, let's ride some flumes.
- Yes!

967
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,900
Jay and Simon had left
me to, as Jay put it,

968
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:49,860
"Chase after Katie
like a little prick,"

969
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:53,740
while they, for some unknown reason,
headed to the Lazy River... a child's ride.

970
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:55,740
- Does Jane work on this ride, then?
- No.

971
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:57,980
But, as you can see from
this map of the park,

972
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,780
the Lazy River pretty much
covers the whole place.

973
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:04,340
So, basically, we get on,
drift around till we see her. Simples!

974
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:05,820
Is that map entirely accurate?

975
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,180
There are pirates and crocodiles
having a sword fight on it.

976
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,542
It's a map, all right?
Maps don't lie.

977
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,060
I'm so sorry if the
kids are bothering you.

978
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,024
Course not. No, not at all.
I love kids.

979
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,066
He's a paedophile.

980
00:47:21,706 --> 00:47:25,503
Seriously, I'm trying to help you.
All right. Nudgies.

981
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:30,542
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

982
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:35,140
Nudgies was fast becoming
no-one's favourite game.

983
00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:38,140
Meanwhile, Neil was teaching animals
only slightly cleverer than him

984
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:40,263
that there's more to life than fish.

985
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:47,660
OK, guys, now you get some very special
one-on-one time with your dolphins.

986
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:50,750
If you'd like to take
your positions...

987
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:55,900
Hello, gorgeous.

988
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:57,465
Come here.

989
00:47:58,000 --> 00:47:59,943
Good boy!

990
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:02,943
This is amazing.

991
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:07,180
Look, apparently I'm not
allowed to train you,

992
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:09,460
because it turns out
this lot are well racist.

993
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:12,584
But there's one thing I can
give you that they can't.

994
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:19,980
On land, we call that a burger.

995
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,820
McDonald's probably do the best one,
followed by Burger King.

996
00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:26,620
You like it, do you? Come on,
that's gotta be worth a kiss.

997
00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:28,180
Lovely!

998
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,260
They say dolphins are clever,
but what they don't tell you is,

999
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:33,144
they're also greedy little bastards.

1000
00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:36,220
Meanwhile Jay and Simon were
sticking to their terrible plan.

1001
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:38,700
This might not be the quickest
way to search the park.

1002
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:42,268
It'll be fine. It's a matter of
time before we find her. Chill.

1003
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:49,660
Jay?

1004
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,660
- Is that him?
- Yeah, Dad, that's him.

1005
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:53,060
All right.

1006
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:55,706
Hey, mate, what are you
doing with those kids?

1007
00:48:56,440 --> 00:48:59,300
No, wait. My friend was joking.

1008
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:01,180
- You're disgusting.
- I don't love kids.

1009
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,140
Please. I hate kids!

1010
00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:05,263
They're not... sexy!

1011
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:07,901
Please... agh! Jay?

1012
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:12,260
Meanwhile, I was trying to impress
a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep.

1013
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:15,460
Oh, my God! This is the one.
Rapids Racer. It's amazing.

1014
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:17,580
You race other people down rapids.

1015
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:19,820
Cool. How about me
versus beaky, then?

1016
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:22,140
Loser has to do a naked
streak round the park.

1017
00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:25,340
Yeah, that's hilarious!
Will, you're up for it, aren't you?

1018
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,100
I would be, but I'm...

1019
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:28,540
- Boring?
- No, Ben.

1020
00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:30,980
- Scared? Ashamed of your tiny penis?
- No, Ben.

1021
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,940
Actually I get nosebleeds.

1022
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:34,900
- What?
- I think he said he gets nosebleeds.

1023
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:36,590
Come on, let's race.

1024
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:39,345
Will.

1025
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:43,180
- What happened to you?
- Oh, I was waterboarded on the Lazy River

1026
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:45,820
because Jay told some
parents I was a paedophile.

1027
00:49:45,920 --> 00:49:48,620
- Pretty good. Where's Jay now?
- He's gone to find Jane.

1028
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:50,620
- Jane?
- That's why he's in Australia.

1029
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:52,820
She works here and he's
desperate to get her back.

1030
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:56,300
I'm not supposed to tell anyone,
but... after that, fuck him.

1031
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:58,264
Will, come on.

1032
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:01,343
What about your nosebleeds?

1033
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:04,943
Did you want something?

1034
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:08,340
Yeah, I'm looking for someone
that works here, a girl called Jane.

1035
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:10,900
Ok, we've had a few Janes.
What does she look like?

1036
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,068
She's got, like, red hair, quite big.

1037
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:16,780
Well, no, beautiful, really,
like really, really beautiful.

1038
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:18,780
Yes, I know Jane.

1039
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:20,580
Yeah, she's a stunner all right?

1040
00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:22,460
So whereabouts is she working today?

1041
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:25,980
She left about a month ago, mate. She got
a dream job, with horses or something.

1042
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,780
- Did she say where?
- No, sorry. Outback somewhere?

1043
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:32,100
Oh, that's all right. Guess I'll head
to the outback and go find her.

1044
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:35,140
To the outback?
Yeah, you'll find her no problems.

1045
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:38,469
- Will I? Jahmazing.
- Are you some kind of moron?

1046
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,100
Of course you fucking won't.
The outback's enormous.

1047
00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:43,223
Nah, you'll never find her.

1048
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,101
- Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.

1049
00:50:52,560 --> 00:50:54,981
If she gets in touch, want me
to say you're looking for her?

1050
00:50:55,480 --> 00:50:57,420
No, it's cool. I'm not even bothered.

1051
00:50:57,520 --> 00:51:00,540
I've got some stuff to
sort out in... Vietnam,

1052
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,140
like CIA shit.

1053
00:51:02,240 --> 00:51:05,300
Basically, I'm getting my own private
train with a machine gun on front.

1054
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:07,660
I'm gonna drive across
the country, standing up,

1055
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:10,784
firing out the machine gun
as it goes along, so...

1056
00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:19,940
Now it's time for some chicken.

1057
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:21,790
Ssh! Don't tell anyone.

1058
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:30,430
All right, but this is the last one.
It's the bollocks. Meatball sandwich.

1059
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:44,790
Wake up.

1060
00:51:52,720 --> 00:51:54,231
Come on!

1061
00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:03,620
We'll never know for certain
exactly what killed the dolphin,

1062
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,743
but we do know that Neil did it.

1063
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,540
There was tension in the
air as we waited to race.

1064
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:12,425
And tension in the queue as Neil
barged past with his irritable bowels.

1065
00:52:13,745 --> 00:52:14,900
Out the way.

1066
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,820
- Get in line, mate.
- No, I've got mates.

1067
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:18,943
- I'm going up there.
- All right?

1068
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:22,740
- How were the dolphins?
- The dolphins are fine, totally fine.

1069
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:24,660
- Why wouldn't they be?
- Only asking.

1070
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:26,669
I don't wanna talk about
the fucking dolphins!

1071
00:52:27,375 --> 00:52:30,260
- Oh, my God!
- Soz. That's my irritating bowels.

1072
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:33,060
- Next two up.
- Right, good luck, boys.

1073
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:36,309
See you at the bottom.
And don't forget, loser streaks.

1074
00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:40,860
Seriously, I would have thought
it'd have been gone by now.

1075
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:42,820
- It's a new one.
- Jesus, Neil.

1076
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:44,590
- I can't stop 'em.
- OK, next two.

1077
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:51,260
- Will, I've got an issue.
- Ready to lose?

1078
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:52,900
- I'm not, but you are.
- Will.

1079
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,700
- I'm not gonna lose.
- What's that, mate? No, I'm gonna win.

1080
00:52:55,800 --> 00:52:57,100
- Will.
- I can't lose.

1081
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:58,420
- We'll see about that.
- Will.

1082
00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:00,500
- I don't lose.
- You wish, jellyfish.

1083
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:02,460
- What?
- Will.

1084
00:53:02,560 --> 00:53:06,020
Will, I need help. That last one,
I think maybe I followed through.

1085
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:07,745
Go.

1086
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:11,020
Look, it's my bowels,
they're disabled!

1087
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:12,301
Oh, no.

1088
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,460
Will!

1089
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:16,500
Will, poo! Poo!

1090
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,623
I'm sorry! It just slipped out!

1091
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:20,980
Poo!

1092
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:22,060
No!

1093
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:24,831
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no!

1094
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:28,471
God! Oh, no!

1095
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:30,380
No!

1096
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:33,420
Go faster, go fucking faster!

1097
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:36,305
Out of the water! Clear!

1098
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:39,504
Clear!

1099
00:53:41,600 --> 00:53:43,623
Clear!

1100
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:46,902
Yeah! You won! Yeah!

1101
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:48,981
No!

1102
00:53:55,120 --> 00:53:56,506
Oh, my God!

1103
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:04,061
Please.

1104
00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:11,225
Oh, my God!

1105
00:54:54,440 --> 00:54:56,460
It wasn't funny, Simon.
I was arrested.

1106
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:00,020
Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet
security team can strictly arrest you.

1107
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:02,380
- Children were crying.
- I don't think that was you.

1108
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,700
I think that was to do with
that dolphin that died.

1109
00:55:04,800 --> 00:55:07,740
- Neil, you were swimming with them.
- I didn't swim with any dolphins.

1110
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:11,180
If you keep telling lies about me,
I'll bring up your mum's hairy face again.

1111
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:12,745
Calm down.

1112
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:15,664
All you all right, Jay?

1113
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:18,860
- Everything's ruined.
- What's up? Your tight foreskin thing?

1114
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:20,180
I've fucked it up again.

1115
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:23,180
- Lay off it for a week. It'll get better.
- She's gone, forever.

1116
00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:24,620
- Who?
- Jane.

1117
00:55:24,720 --> 00:55:26,220
I should never have
bought her a Wii Fit.

1118
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:29,230
She said she wanted to lose a bit
of weight. I was just trying to help.

1119
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,300
I loved her the way she was.

1120
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:32,980
You bought her a Wii Fit?

1121
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:36,620
So I came here to find her,
to apologise, to try and win her back.

1122
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:38,500
But I had no idea how
big Australia was.

1123
00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:41,580
I knew it was an island, so I thought,
"It can't be that big.

1124
00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:45,260
I'll probably just bump into her down
the shops." But it's fucking massive!

1125
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:48,589
And now she's gone forever
and my life is pointless again.

1126
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:52,660
Sorry... you bought her a Wii Fit?

1127
00:55:52,760 --> 00:55:55,460
My dad was right, he should
have just whipped it out

1128
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:58,982
and splurged on my mum's arse
rather than waste it making me.

1129
00:56:01,880 --> 00:56:05,029
I still love her,
but I'll never find her.

1130
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:14,060
Si could always ask
Lucy where she is.

1131
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:16,183
Shit, yeah, Lucy'll probably know.

1132
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:18,740
- Really?
- Actually, yeah.

1133
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:21,580
She'll definitely know.
She sent her a wedding invitation.

1134
00:56:21,680 --> 00:56:23,300
Let's go. I'll Skype her now.

1135
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,340
- Shotgun.
- Don't worry, mate. We'll find her.

1136
00:56:25,440 --> 00:56:28,860
- Thanks for this, Si.
- No problem. You would do the same for me.

1137
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:32,143
- We wouldn't, your bird's a fucking nightmare.
- Fair enough.

1138
00:56:40,240 --> 00:56:43,580
So far, my travelling experience
wasn't going entirely to plan.

1139
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:47,501
I'd assumed that I'd get shitfaced
at some point... but not literally.

1140
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:55,900
Right, you lot go and pack up
our stuff. I'll Skype Lucy.

1141
00:56:57,200 --> 00:56:58,631
Will!

1142
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:00,541
Will!

1143
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:02,746
Will!

1144
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:08,020
Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends.
It's Neil's fault. He's got this thing...

1145
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:11,260
It was fucking hysterical!
Closing down Splash Planet?

1146
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,180
I mean, everyone is talking about
what an absolute legend you are.

1147
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:16,620
- I'm a legend?
- I mean, it looked horrific.

1148
00:57:16,720 --> 00:57:18,780
- You were covered in shit, yeah?
- Yeah.

1149
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:22,940
But at the same time, it was literally the
funniest thing I've seen. We all loved it!

1150
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,860
If it made you laugh, maybe it
was worth getting conjunctivitis.

1151
00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:27,820
You're mental!

1152
00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:30,020
So what do you wanna do later, then?

1153
00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:31,940
Drink? Bite to eat?

1154
00:57:32,040 --> 00:57:34,220
Sea kayaking, zip lining, bungee?

1155
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,300
- Will, come on. You've gotta pack.
- I am talking, Simon.

1156
00:57:37,400 --> 00:57:40,020
- Sorry about that.
- Pack? What? You can't leave!

1157
00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:43,060
The gang'll be gutted. No,
you're not actually leaving, are you?

1158
00:57:43,160 --> 00:57:45,380
- Yes.
- Well, nothing's finalised.

1159
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,380
But it's the songline
ceremony tonight.

1160
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:50,060
Look, it's perfect for you, Will.
It's incredibly spiritual.

1161
00:57:50,160 --> 00:57:52,620
We're going to the outback.
Will should be packing up now.

1162
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:55,180
OK, well, if you're busy,
I'll leave you to it.

1163
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:58,623
No, Katie, I'm not busy. I apologise
for my friend. He's very rude.

1164
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:00,900
Now, tell me about sea kayaking.

1165
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:04,740
It's amazing. They've got these
kayaks, right, that go in the sea.

1166
00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:07,466
- No way!
- It's absolutely unbelievable.

1167
00:58:10,520 --> 00:58:13,740
Simon, this was not an
agreed time for Skype.

1168
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:16,060
Lucy, listen, do you know
where Jane is staying?

1169
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,780
Of course I do. Simon, we need
to talk about photographers.

1170
00:58:18,880 --> 00:58:20,980
You'll have to take out
another student loan.

1171
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,940
Christ. Really?

1172
00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:25,746
Right, fine, whatever.
Can you just get me her address?

1173
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:29,300
- And I've asked Pete to be your best man.
- Aren't I meant to decide that?

1174
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:32,700
All your friends are
massive dicks, except Pete.

1175
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,300
It's Pete or no-one.

1176
00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:36,820
Great, fine. It's Pete.
Now, I need that address.

1177
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:40,140
- Pete's been amazing.
- Yeah, Pete's amazing. Please, Lucy.

1178
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:42,580
Thanks, mate. I am amazing. G'day.

1179
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:44,540
- Pete.
- Surprise.

1180
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:47,380
How are things down under?
And I don't mean your horrible balls.

1181
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:51,141
- You've got horrible balls.
- You actually have, though.

1182
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:53,500
- Banter.
- So, go on. How is it, then?

1183
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,820
Not been eaten by a
shark yet, worse luck?

1184
00:58:55,920 --> 00:58:58,100
Thank you. Yeah,
some best man you are!

1185
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:01,660
I'm the best of the best, mate. You know it.
I should be called the brilliant man.

1186
00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:04,340
Yeah! Listen, mate,
we're in a bit of a rush.

1187
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:05,500
OK.

1188
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,500
So she's staying at Bewley
Stud Farm near Birdsville.

1189
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:12,140
I don't have the exact address because
they pick up the post from the town hotel.

1190
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:15,460
- So what's the house number?
- I told you, I don't have it.

1191
00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:17,700
It's a massive farm, you div.
You'll find it.

1192
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,980
- Yeah, you div.
- Huh. Of course.

1193
00:59:20,080 --> 00:59:22,103
Over and out, Captain Kirk.

1194
00:59:24,640 --> 00:59:26,300
- Did you get it?
- Yeah.

1195
00:59:26,400 --> 00:59:28,820
She's at a stud farm near Birdsville.

1196
00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:32,300
That's me fucked. If she's at a
stud farm, then she'll have her pick.

1197
00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:34,389
I've got no chance. I've lost her!

1198
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:37,306
A stud farm's where
they breed horses.

1199
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:39,940
Yes, I know.

1200
00:59:40,040 --> 00:59:42,347
I'm just saying,
she really likes horses.

1201
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:48,820
You won't need a life vest
in the car, Will. It's dry.

1202
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:51,180
- Get that off. We're leaving.
- I'm staying here.

1203
00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:54,220
- Don't be a dick. Just get in the car.
- No. I'm staying for a bit.

1204
00:59:54,320 --> 00:59:57,100
Then I'll do some real travelling
with people who do it properly.

1205
00:59:57,200 --> 00:59:59,180
Those tools in there?
They think you're a twat.

1206
00:59:59,280 --> 01:00:01,260
And I've met someone
I like who likes me.

1207
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:04,860
Will, be careful. Jay told me muff before
mates is actually a crime in Australia.

1208
01:00:04,960 --> 01:00:07,940
You think you're my mates?
You don't do any of the things I like,

1209
01:00:08,040 --> 01:00:11,060
you don't talk about things I
like and you shit on my face.

1210
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:13,700
- Why would I come with you?
- I only shit on your face once.

1211
01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:16,900
I'm not sure how much clearer
I can make it. I'm not coming.

1212
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:19,220
Fine. Fuck you.
We'll go to Birdsville without you.

1213
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:21,900
You're being stupid. You got dumped,
just like I got dumped,

1214
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:25,020
just like Simon will probably get dumped...
Sorry, I mean divorced.

1215
01:00:25,120 --> 01:00:26,460
Get over it and be realistic.

1216
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:29,823
Chasing a girl round Australia isn't
romantic, it's extreme stalking.

1217
01:00:30,880 --> 01:00:32,903
That's exactly what
you're doing to Katie.

1218
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,060
- Grow up, Simon.
- You grow up.

1219
01:00:40,160 --> 01:00:41,820
I am grown up. You should grow up.

1220
01:00:41,920 --> 01:00:44,700
- Really? Grow up.
- I am. You're not. So grow up.

1221
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:46,420
That's grown up. Grow up!

1222
01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:49,140
- Yeah, you should.
- We'll see who's grown up, won't we?

1223
01:00:49,240 --> 01:00:50,780
- Grow up.
- Grow up!

1224
01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:53,980
- Grow up!
- Grow... up!

1225
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,420
Grow up.

1226
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:59,780
I feel a bit sad. Can I drive?

1227
01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:01,740
- Yeah, sure.
- And can I be best man?

1228
01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:03,146
No, it's fucking Pete.

1229
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:10,743
Here's your fucking bag!

1230
01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:12,740
Grow up!

1231
01:01:12,840 --> 01:01:15,625
Off they went, the idiots.
Good riddance to them.

1232
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,790
I was gonna have an authentic
experience sea kayaking.

1233
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:24,780
And at least if I drowned,
and it looked like I might drown,

1234
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:27,100
people could say,
"He died doing what he did best:

1235
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:29,541
making a twat of himself
in front of a girl."

1236
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:33,030
Fuck! Fuck!

1237
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:39,830
Aa-aargh!

1238
01:01:40,360 --> 01:01:41,985
Aaagh!

1239
01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:49,067
Whoaagh! Waagh!

1240
01:01:58,560 --> 01:02:00,150
A-wob a-bob bob?

1241
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:04,060
- What?
- I said, what time is it now?

1242
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:06,700
No, you fucking didn't.
You said, "A-wob a-bob bob."

1243
01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:08,740
- Are you sure you're OK to drive?
- Yeah, fine.

1244
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,700
Although I think I might cry again.

1245
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:13,028
- Is it far now?
- No, it's only about...

1246
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:16,700
400 miles. You can
make that, can't you, Neil?

1247
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:18,823
Course. Got a system.

1248
01:02:23,720 --> 01:02:25,629
Maybe we should stop for a bit.

1249
01:02:53,360 --> 01:02:56,740
Now we have cleansed the area
with sound, we can begin.

1250
01:02:56,840 --> 01:02:58,500
We are sitting on songlines,

1251
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:01,060
the ancient lines of power
that cross Australia.

1252
01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:02,980
Can you feel the connection?

1253
01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:04,820
- Yeah.
- It's amazing.

1254
01:03:04,920 --> 01:03:06,780
We carry a great responsibility.

1255
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:08,740
What we say here before the fire,

1256
01:03:08,840 --> 01:03:12,860
we transmit out, on the songlines,
to the rest of the planet.

1257
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:17,540
Let's help heal the world by throwing
all the world's negativities onto the fire.

1258
01:03:17,640 --> 01:03:19,940
Each think of a
negativity and burn it.

1259
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:21,426
What's your negativity?

1260
01:03:22,400 --> 01:03:24,423
- Narrow-mindedness.
- Good.

1261
01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:26,100
Stephen?

1262
01:03:26,200 --> 01:03:28,380
Oh, God, where to start?

1263
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:31,026
I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but...

1264
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:33,020
present in this moment,

1265
01:03:33,120 --> 01:03:37,740
away from the past, away from a
military father who I love so much

1266
01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:41,660
but Daddy wasn't around,
and away from a distant mother.

1267
01:03:41,760 --> 01:03:44,431
But I'm here now,
in the now, not there.

1268
01:03:45,320 --> 01:03:48,105
Just wondering how to tell
Mummy what hugs mean.

1269
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:52,507
She asked what negativity
you want to throw on the fire.

1270
01:03:53,480 --> 01:03:55,503
Oh, right. Yeah, cool.

1271
01:03:56,680 --> 01:03:58,540
- Conformity.
- Excellent.

1272
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:00,868
- Really good.
- What's your negativity, brother?

1273
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:06,422
Come on.

1274
01:04:07,400 --> 01:04:09,460
- ...negativity.
- Yes. Which one?

1275
01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:11,380
Just negativity.

1276
01:04:11,480 --> 01:04:15,062
Remember, we can help
heal the whole world.

1277
01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:17,740
- Pass.
- Pass?

1278
01:04:17,840 --> 01:04:19,988
Maybe you should just
tell me the right answer.

1279
01:04:20,320 --> 01:04:22,180
There's no right answer.

1280
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:23,984
Clearly there is, though.

1281
01:04:30,760 --> 01:04:32,380
Raw Pot Noodle, anyone?

1282
01:04:32,480 --> 01:04:34,140
Not bad, but a bit crunchy.

1283
01:04:34,240 --> 01:04:36,700
I reckon I'll probably propose
to Jane when I see her.

1284
01:04:36,800 --> 01:04:39,020
What about the Thai bird you
told me you were seeing?

1285
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:41,380
The black belt at firing Ping-Pong
balls out of her fanny.

1286
01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,940
Oh, her? Yeah, no, she had
to go back to Vietnam.

1287
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:45,820
- Thailand.
- Thailand.

1288
01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:47,740
Yeah, no, Jane's the one.

1289
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:49,900
I'll be married,
and you'll be married, Si.

1290
01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:52,580
- Yeah.
- So we can go on double dates and stuff.

1291
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:56,500
Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really.
Maybe being married to her will be all right.

1292
01:04:56,600 --> 01:04:59,460
- It will be.
- Gotta be easier than breaking up with her.

1293
01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:01,947
She's microwaved my PlayStation.

1294
01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:07,947
Della?

1295
01:05:08,880 --> 01:05:11,506
- Racism.
- Oh, I hate that.

1296
01:05:11,920 --> 01:05:13,260
Ben?

1297
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:15,220
- Negative thoughts.
- Good.

1298
01:05:15,320 --> 01:05:16,980
How is that different
to "negativity"?

1299
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:19,751
Will, please,
just respect the songlines.

1300
01:05:20,200 --> 01:05:22,701
- Kristian.
- Racial hatred.

1301
01:05:24,040 --> 01:05:25,980
Yeah, already had that one, Kris.

1302
01:05:26,080 --> 01:05:27,500
- What?
- We've had that.

1303
01:05:27,600 --> 01:05:29,220
Think of another one.

1304
01:05:29,320 --> 01:05:31,740
So you think racial
hatred is a good thing?

1305
01:05:31,840 --> 01:05:33,860
You know I'm not saying that, Ben.

1306
01:05:33,960 --> 01:05:36,620
She said, "Racism." He said,
"Racial hatred." Pick another.

1307
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:38,740
Will, there's no right
or wrong answers.

1308
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,620
Yes, there is. You know there is.

1309
01:05:40,720 --> 01:05:43,780
Let it all flow out.
We'll support you.

1310
01:05:43,880 --> 01:05:45,980
- There's no judgment here.
- So you keep saying.

1311
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:49,300
In that case, I'd like to throw the
poor and disadvantaged onto the fire,

1312
01:05:49,400 --> 01:05:51,500
and the handicapped,
the homeless, and babies.

1313
01:05:51,600 --> 01:05:54,820
Yes, spazzy little African babies
riddled with malaria and AIDS.

1314
01:05:54,920 --> 01:05:57,900
There they go, onto the fire.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

1315
01:05:58,000 --> 01:05:59,620
- How's that?
- That is wrong.

1316
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,345
Yep, thought it might be.

1317
01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:05,271
Excuse me.

1318
01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:08,980
I throw anger onto the fire.

1319
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:10,580
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

1320
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:13,147
- Stephen?
- Infidelity.

1321
01:06:13,600 --> 01:06:16,067
Oh, will you just fucking let it go?

1322
01:06:19,920 --> 01:06:21,380
Will, are you OK?

1323
01:06:21,480 --> 01:06:22,860
Yeah.

1324
01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:25,780
- Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin it.
- Oh, no, you didn't.

1325
01:06:25,880 --> 01:06:27,980
No, we still had an
amazing connection.

1326
01:06:28,080 --> 01:06:29,980
Oh, good. That's good.

1327
01:06:30,080 --> 01:06:34,020
Listen, whatever your energy is
when you interact over fire stones,

1328
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:36,580
that's your song,
and your song is humour.

1329
01:06:36,680 --> 01:06:37,740
Oh.

1330
01:06:37,840 --> 01:06:39,940
- Thank you.
- And also anger.

1331
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:43,220
You have a large,
quite deep anger song in you.

1332
01:06:43,320 --> 01:06:44,820
Frustration, maybe.

1333
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:49,389
And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour
song with the anger song singing so very loud.

1334
01:06:51,520 --> 01:06:53,543
You do like me, don't you, Katie?

1335
01:06:53,920 --> 01:06:55,624
Of course I do.

1336
01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:01,580
Sorry, Ben, this is a private party.

1337
01:07:01,680 --> 01:07:03,703
Oh, OK.

1338
01:07:12,160 --> 01:07:13,864
See you later.

1339
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:17,820
Are you OK?

1340
01:07:17,920 --> 01:07:19,943
- That was horrible.
- What was?

1341
01:07:20,240 --> 01:07:22,900
Him just kissing you like that.
Do you want me to call somebody?

1342
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:25,620
- He shouldn't get away with that.
- Oh, I know.

1343
01:07:25,720 --> 01:07:27,504
He can be such a tease.

1344
01:07:29,040 --> 01:07:31,660
- Tease?
- He knows that drives me crazy.

1345
01:07:31,760 --> 01:07:33,589
Crazy angry, right?

1346
01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:35,420
And tingly.

1347
01:07:35,520 --> 01:07:38,100
Bad tingly, like really
severe pins and needles?

1348
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:40,100
Oh, God, no. Nice.

1349
01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:42,348
It's scary. I don't
know how he does it.

1350
01:07:43,120 --> 01:07:45,143
What is happening here?

1351
01:07:45,680 --> 01:07:48,100
We've been having this
on/off thing for ages,

1352
01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:51,460
and he drives me mental when
we fight, but, in the end,

1353
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:54,100
the animal urge,
it's just too much to ignore.

1354
01:07:54,200 --> 01:07:57,100
- You said he was a dick.
- Will, I wish you'd get to know him.

1355
01:07:57,200 --> 01:07:59,302
He is such a spiritual guy.

1356
01:07:59,800 --> 01:08:02,870
So you're with him,
even though you kissed me?

1357
01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:05,500
Will, I like you. I kissed you.

1358
01:08:05,600 --> 01:08:08,180
But I kiss a lot of people,
especially when I'm drunk.

1359
01:08:08,280 --> 01:08:12,500
What Ben and I have,
it's a deep lust for each other.

1360
01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:14,900
- It's spiritual.
- Right, that's the last time.

1361
01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:17,020
Even the dictionary
definition of spiritual,

1362
01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:19,300
which I looked up,
suggests it's about the soul,

1363
01:08:19,400 --> 01:08:21,460
another vague and probably
non-existent concept.

1364
01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:23,780
I don't think you get it.
But that's cool.

1365
01:08:23,880 --> 01:08:26,380
No, no, I get it all right,
you patronising cow.

1366
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:29,340
It's you twats that don't get it.
That's right, I called you twats.

1367
01:08:29,440 --> 01:08:30,580
Chill, Will.

1368
01:08:30,680 --> 01:08:33,540
Playing the guitar badly,
wearing beads, talking about one love,

1369
01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:37,036
pretending you're friends with Central
American villagers, who, by the way,

1370
01:08:37,136 --> 01:08:40,620
despise you, before heading to your
parents' five-bedroom house in Surrey,

1371
01:08:40,720 --> 01:08:43,140
doesn't make you a spiritual person,
it makes you a bellend.

1372
01:08:43,240 --> 01:08:45,700
I think you're right
about his song, Katie.

1373
01:08:45,800 --> 01:08:49,020
Fuck off, Ben! You don't believe
in songlines any more than I do.

1374
01:08:49,120 --> 01:08:51,020
It's just a way to seem
interesting to girls

1375
01:08:51,120 --> 01:08:53,500
because deep down,
you're boring and pretentious,

1376
01:08:53,600 --> 01:08:55,220
like your stupid fucking dreadlocks,

1377
01:08:55,320 --> 01:08:57,940
which, by the way, always look
embarrassing on white people.

1378
01:08:58,040 --> 01:09:01,380
They're not countercultural.
They scream, "I've got a trust fund."

1379
01:09:01,480 --> 01:09:05,301
So get a normal haircut,
you unbearable prick. Goodbye.

1380
01:09:08,720 --> 01:09:11,220
I may have won the battle,
but I'd lost the war.

1381
01:09:11,320 --> 01:09:13,660
By now, my real friends were
hundreds of miles away,

1382
01:09:13,760 --> 01:09:16,460
but my fake friends were
a little too close to home.

1383
01:09:16,560 --> 01:09:18,220
- I don't lose.
- Oh, Ben.

1384
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:20,900
I don't lose. I don't lose.

1385
01:09:21,800 --> 01:09:24,665
- I... don't... lose!
- Oh, Ben!

1386
01:09:27,400 --> 01:09:31,346
<i>Uh-oh-oh-oh, and they come unstuck</i>

1387
01:09:32,480 --> 01:09:35,540
<i>Lady, running down to the riptide</i>

1388
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:37,504
<i>Taken away to the dark side...</i>

1389
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:39,580
One ticket to Birdsville.

1390
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:41,942
So that'll be $350.

1391
01:09:43,720 --> 01:09:46,020
- Have you flown this route before?
- No.

1392
01:09:46,120 --> 01:09:47,860
OK. You'll want these, then.

1393
01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:51,064
There's some sick bags,
because you are gonna be sick.

1394
01:09:53,040 --> 01:09:54,620
Oh, fuck!

1395
01:09:54,720 --> 01:09:58,461
Oh, my Go-o-o-d!

1396
01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:02,260
- Get out, you pommy mongrels.
- See you later. They were nice.

1397
01:10:02,360 --> 01:10:04,060
Apart from when they
tried to fight us.

1398
01:10:04,160 --> 01:10:06,620
It's the next property,
just down the Birdsville Track.

1399
01:10:06,720 --> 01:10:08,504
Yeah, not far now, mate.

1400
01:10:14,280 --> 01:10:17,509
- Wait! Wait!
- What the fuck is that?

1401
01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:20,543
Guys! Wait!

1402
01:10:22,080 --> 01:10:23,864
I think it's a prick.

1403
01:10:33,160 --> 01:10:34,780
I had to get here.

1404
01:10:34,880 --> 01:10:37,950
I'm just so lost at the
moment with uni and...

1405
01:10:38,920 --> 01:10:43,469
I know I've made some bad decisions but
I'm finding it hard to know who I am.

1406
01:10:43,960 --> 01:10:46,860
- Don't worry about that. Leave that.
- We'd better get going.

1407
01:10:46,960 --> 01:10:48,500
Listen, please.

1408
01:10:48,600 --> 01:10:51,260
I don't have many friends
and I thought those people...

1409
01:10:51,360 --> 01:10:52,507
Nudgies.

1410
01:10:54,880 --> 01:10:56,630
Get in.

1411
01:11:01,000 --> 01:11:03,023
Ooh, you're hard.

1412
01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:10,983
<i>Mandatory</i>

1413
01:11:15,160 --> 01:11:17,340
<i>We can get in the car,
we can give it a spin</i>

1414
01:11:17,440 --> 01:11:19,940
<i>Make a break from the crowd,
see how close we can get</i>

1415
01:11:20,040 --> 01:11:22,620
Next farm! Next farm! Next farm!

1416
01:11:22,720 --> 01:11:24,580
Next farm! Next farm!

1417
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:26,430
Next farm! Next farm...

1418
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:32,300
Did they say exactly how
far the next farm is?

1419
01:11:32,400 --> 01:11:34,340
Shit. We're on the white
bit of the petrol meter.

1420
01:11:34,440 --> 01:11:37,670
Don't worry about that, that's a con,
by car makers and oil people,

1421
01:11:37,770 --> 01:11:40,740
to get you to buy more. I went to
Portugal and back on the white bit.

1422
01:11:40,840 --> 01:11:44,180
- I don't know. It looks quite low.
- Please, let's just keep going.

1423
01:11:44,280 --> 01:11:47,589
There's bound to be a petrol
station round here somewhere.

1424
01:12:02,560 --> 01:12:03,900
Oh, shit.

1425
01:12:04,000 --> 01:12:06,990
Don't worry. I'll just coast
it for a couple of miles.

1426
01:12:18,520 --> 01:12:22,227
- It's very hot in here.
- Yeah, sorry about that. I had the heating on.

1427
01:12:23,560 --> 01:12:25,940
What now? Wait for someone
to pass by to help?

1428
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:28,460
Bollocks. Just phone the AA
and they'll come pick us up.

1429
01:12:28,560 --> 01:12:30,583
How's the reception on your phone?

1430
01:12:31,320 --> 01:12:33,220
- Oh, fuck!
- Exactly.

1431
01:12:33,320 --> 01:12:35,468
We should get out of the car,
though. It's an oven.

1432
01:12:42,680 --> 01:12:44,740
It's not that much cooler
out of the car, to be fair.

1433
01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:46,820
All right, we're in a
bit of a spot here.

1434
01:12:46,920 --> 01:12:48,500
We've got to keep calm. Do not panic.

1435
01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:50,100
How much water have we got?

1436
01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:51,540
None.

1437
01:12:51,920 --> 01:12:53,380
OK. Bad start.

1438
01:12:53,480 --> 01:12:56,820
We'll be fine. There'll probably be a
wise old Aboriginal along any minute.

1439
01:12:56,920 --> 01:13:00,380
Think. In the two hours since we left
Birdsville, how many cars have we seen?

1440
01:13:00,480 --> 01:13:01,780
Ooh. None.

1441
01:13:01,880 --> 01:13:04,180
None is correct. Now,
how many wise old Aboriginals?

1442
01:13:04,280 --> 01:13:05,420
- None.
- None.

1443
01:13:05,520 --> 01:13:07,540
Fucking none. We aren't
in England any more.

1444
01:13:07,640 --> 01:13:09,460
We're somewhere genuinely dangerous.

1445
01:13:09,560 --> 01:13:11,500
Don't shit your pants.
I know Australia.

1446
01:13:11,600 --> 01:13:14,060
- Someone will be along in a minute.
- But what if they aren't?

1447
01:13:14,160 --> 01:13:16,420
- They will be.
- Anyone want a drink?

1448
01:13:16,520 --> 01:13:19,020
- Have you got water?
- No, just wondered.

1449
01:13:19,120 --> 01:13:21,780
- I'm really thirsty.
- We need a survival plan.

1450
01:13:21,880 --> 01:13:23,340
No, I doubt it.

1451
01:13:23,440 --> 01:13:25,340
In the desert without water,
we'll die in a day.

1452
01:13:25,440 --> 01:13:28,380
- I think we're going to be fine.
- How, Simon?

1453
01:13:28,480 --> 01:13:30,260
Tell me how we're gonna be fine.

1454
01:13:30,360 --> 01:13:32,340
- People will be looking for us.
- Who?

1455
01:13:32,440 --> 01:13:35,140
Who even knows we're missing,
or cares? Your dad?

1456
01:13:35,240 --> 01:13:36,420
Jay's uncle?

1457
01:13:36,520 --> 01:13:38,861
Your mum, if she wasn't
getting fucked by a stranger.

1458
01:13:39,456 --> 01:13:41,460
It's nasty, but it's probably true.

1459
01:13:41,560 --> 01:13:43,420
- We could drink our piss.
- What?

1460
01:13:43,520 --> 01:13:46,380
It's all right. I do it occasionally.
I ate a bit of my spunk once too.

1461
01:13:46,480 --> 01:13:48,340
You're grim, mate.

1462
01:13:48,440 --> 01:13:50,349
I need a piss and it seems
a shame to waste it.

1463
01:13:51,520 --> 01:13:53,145
Up to you.

1464
01:13:54,960 --> 01:13:56,500
Neil, do you have to do that here?

1465
01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:58,780
If you can't see it coming
out the end, it's not rude.

1466
01:13:58,880 --> 01:14:00,380
Wait a minute.

1467
01:14:00,480 --> 01:14:04,471
There's probably water in the windscreen
washer pot. We could share that out.

1468
01:14:06,040 --> 01:14:08,302
Perfect. This should keep us going.

1469
01:14:08,760 --> 01:14:10,510
Uncle Jay sorts it again.

1470
01:14:24,520 --> 01:14:26,340
- It was soap.
- Obviously.

1471
01:14:26,440 --> 01:14:27,980
Seriously, we do need a plan.

1472
01:14:28,080 --> 01:14:30,460
I saw that film where the bloke
got stuck in the desert but lived.

1473
01:14:30,560 --> 01:14:32,700
- What did he do?
- Cut his arm off with a penknife.

1474
01:14:32,800 --> 01:14:34,500
Right. Any other ideas?

1475
01:14:34,600 --> 01:14:36,900
I watched every episode of
Bear Grylls' Man Vs. Wild.

1476
01:14:37,000 --> 01:14:38,780
OK. Now we're getting somewhere.

1477
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:41,420
What would Bear suggest we
do in this situation, Neil?

1478
01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:45,220
OK, when we get a salmon, just bite
into the middle, even though it's raw.

1479
01:14:45,320 --> 01:14:48,264
There isn't any water. Where do we
get a salmon, you fucking idiot?

1480
01:14:49,400 --> 01:14:50,581
Shop.

1481
01:14:52,960 --> 01:14:55,620
Neil's got a point. Split up
and search for water sources.

1482
01:14:55,720 --> 01:14:57,743
- And a salmon.
- Yes.

1483
01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:22,660
Thanks very much, Dad. Thanks for
not teaching me how to find water,

1484
01:15:22,760 --> 01:15:25,340
the only thing I would need to
know in my entire fucking life.

1485
01:15:25,440 --> 01:15:27,747
"Go and do a sociology degree.
That'll be fucking helpful."

1486
01:15:29,760 --> 01:15:33,900
<i>Well, so it goes, yeah, so it goes</i>

1487
01:15:34,000 --> 01:15:36,023
Si, quick! Look!

1488
01:15:37,160 --> 01:15:41,310
<i>That sweet heirloom,
them abbey stones</i>

1489
01:15:44,240 --> 01:15:49,426
<i>Yeah, let's take a chance
oh, and roll the bones</i>

1490
01:15:49,560 --> 01:15:51,220
OK, learn from your mistakes.

1491
01:15:51,320 --> 01:15:55,266
Wandering around failing to find water
just uses up calories. We've learnt that.

1492
01:15:55,960 --> 01:15:58,380
I can't believe we didn't
bring any sun cream.

1493
01:15:58,480 --> 01:16:00,540
Not even, like, factor eight.

1494
01:16:00,640 --> 01:16:03,580
Even some shitty factor eight
would make the situation better.

1495
01:16:03,680 --> 01:16:06,021
God, I'd love some
factor eight right now.

1496
01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:09,460
Oh, my gosh. A lake!

1497
01:16:09,560 --> 01:16:11,820
A fucking lake! We're saved.

1498
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:13,988
But I can't believe we
never spotted that.

1499
01:16:14,240 --> 01:16:16,340
- It's a mirage, Neil.
- Is that Australian for lake?

1500
01:16:16,440 --> 01:16:18,740
It means cos you're hot,
you're seeing things.

1501
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:22,340
- What if it is a lake?
- You're seeing things. It's an illusion.

1502
01:16:22,440 --> 01:16:24,580
If I was seeing things,
I'd be seeing cool things,

1503
01:16:24,680 --> 01:16:26,660
like Optimus Prime
banging Katy Perry,

1504
01:16:26,760 --> 01:16:29,500
or Jay the size of a house but all
his fingers are Cadbury's Flakes.

1505
01:16:29,600 --> 01:16:33,020
- I want water more than anything.
- I'll get us water, Si. Don't worry.

1506
01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:35,871
This is it. We're saved.
Thank you, Bear Grylls!

1507
01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:03,586
No-o-o-o!

1508
01:17:05,080 --> 01:17:07,103
- I told him so.
- I know you did.

1509
01:17:08,160 --> 01:17:10,627
- Can we start panicking now?
- Yeah.

1510
01:17:11,400 --> 01:17:13,662
No-o-o-o!

1511
01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:22,260
I bet they use a shit picture.

1512
01:17:22,360 --> 01:17:23,700
What?

1513
01:17:23,800 --> 01:17:25,300
When they report us being dead,

1514
01:17:25,400 --> 01:17:27,300
I bet they use a picture
where my hair looks shit.

1515
01:17:27,400 --> 01:17:29,180
They'll have plenty to choose from.

1516
01:17:29,280 --> 01:17:31,540
And I'll be described
as engaged, for fuck's sake.

1517
01:17:31,640 --> 01:17:34,180
I bet Lucy'll love that.
She'll milk the attention, the cow.

1518
01:17:34,280 --> 01:17:36,460
- I don't think you'll be that bothered.
- I will.

1519
01:17:36,560 --> 01:17:39,060
I don't think you will be.
Cos, crucially, you'll be dead.

1520
01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:42,025
Stone fucking dead,
just like we all will.

1521
01:17:43,480 --> 01:17:45,981
Oh, God. I don't wanna die.

1522
01:17:55,200 --> 01:17:57,985
For fuck's sake,
I'm too dehydrated to cry.

1523
01:17:58,720 --> 01:18:00,380
I wish my mum was here.

1524
01:18:00,480 --> 01:18:02,867
- Does she deliver water?
- She does when I'm nearby.

1525
01:18:07,240 --> 01:18:08,830
From her fanny.

1526
01:18:11,000 --> 01:18:12,380
I'm so fucking thirsty.

1527
01:18:12,480 --> 01:18:15,620
Do you wanna try the spunk thing?
It's a bit like a salty smoothie.

1528
01:18:15,720 --> 01:18:18,300
I can't think of anything I wanna
do less right now than wank.

1529
01:18:18,400 --> 01:18:21,470
Jesus, things are even more
serious than I thought.

1530
01:18:22,000 --> 01:18:24,020
Neil, if you can piss
again now, I'll drink it.

1531
01:18:24,120 --> 01:18:26,029
You should really only
drink your own, Si.

1532
01:18:26,600 --> 01:18:28,464
I'm so dehydrated, I can't piss.

1533
01:18:28,920 --> 01:18:31,068
Neil, please, help.

1534
01:18:31,880 --> 01:18:33,664
I'm dying.

1535
01:18:35,520 --> 01:18:37,543
Course, mate.

1536
01:19:03,240 --> 01:19:04,940
Sorry, Si. I've got no more piss.

1537
01:19:05,040 --> 01:19:07,260
That's all right, mate.
Thanks for trying.

1538
01:19:07,360 --> 01:19:10,066
I was trying, Si, I really was.
It's just... Oh.

1539
01:19:17,840 --> 01:19:19,430
And there was that bit.

1540
01:19:30,320 --> 01:19:32,900
I'm hot, then cold, then hot.

1541
01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:36,260
- Then really cold.
- And you stink of piss.

1542
01:19:36,360 --> 01:19:38,900
I really didn't think
dying would be like this.

1543
01:19:39,000 --> 01:19:41,341
It's knackering to get
wound up about it.

1544
01:19:41,760 --> 01:19:43,305
Just let it happen, I reckon.

1545
01:19:44,160 --> 01:19:46,547
No. Please fight it, Jay.

1546
01:19:46,760 --> 01:19:48,783
There's something I need to say.

1547
01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:51,390
What?

1548
01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:55,220
- Sorry.
- Oh, mate.

1549
01:19:55,320 --> 01:19:57,787
I am. I'm sorry.

1550
01:19:58,480 --> 01:20:00,105
Just...

1551
01:20:01,000 --> 01:20:02,306
Sorry.

1552
01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:04,625
It don't matter.

1553
01:20:07,320 --> 01:20:10,020
There's something I always
meant to ask you guys, too.

1554
01:20:10,120 --> 01:20:11,904
What is it, mate?

1555
01:20:12,280 --> 01:20:14,303
How long after a poo
can you have sex?

1556
01:20:15,080 --> 01:20:17,180
Please don't make
this my last thought.

1557
01:20:17,280 --> 01:20:19,140
I never found out, and...

1558
01:20:19,240 --> 01:20:21,263
now I'll never know.

1559
01:20:24,920 --> 01:20:26,780
I can't see very well.

1560
01:20:26,880 --> 01:20:28,903
I think it's just the brightness.

1561
01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:32,823
Close your eyes.

1562
01:20:35,520 --> 01:20:37,543
- But you said...
- I know.

1563
01:20:39,720 --> 01:20:41,231
Here.

1564
01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:48,301
Neil.

1565
01:20:50,480 --> 01:20:53,789
- For bants.
- Yeah, for bants.

1566
01:21:01,160 --> 01:21:02,460
That's better.

1567
01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:04,185
Die, then?

1568
01:21:07,120 --> 01:21:09,143
Sorry, Dad.

1569
01:21:11,040 --> 01:21:13,063
Sorry, Jane.

1570
01:21:15,680 --> 01:21:18,989
It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?
I've always liked sleep.

1571
01:21:20,280 --> 01:21:21,950
Yeah, it'll be OK, Neil.

1572
01:21:23,760 --> 01:21:25,783
All right, then.

1573
01:21:27,080 --> 01:21:28,261
Cheers.

1574
01:21:31,040 --> 01:21:33,063
Is this proper travelling?

1575
01:21:34,360 --> 01:21:35,621
Yeah.

1576
01:21:36,400 --> 01:21:37,911
Yeah, it is.

1577
01:21:40,720 --> 01:21:42,743
- Shall we?
- Yeah, I suppose.

1578
01:22:34,680 --> 01:22:36,305
Jesus Christ.

1579
01:22:40,080 --> 01:22:41,940
- Are you a mirage?
- I don't know.

1580
01:22:42,040 --> 01:22:44,142
Would a mirage call
you a stupid cunt?

1581
01:22:46,000 --> 01:22:47,460
We're saved! We're saved!

1582
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:49,662
We're saved! We're saved!
We're saved!

1583
01:22:52,320 --> 01:22:55,981
Fuck me, you poms love a drama!
You've only been out here two hours.

1584
01:22:56,640 --> 01:22:58,265
We're alive!

1585
01:23:00,640 --> 01:23:02,380
Jane! Jane!

1586
01:23:02,480 --> 01:23:05,820
- Jane.
- Jay, oh, my God. Look at you!

1587
01:23:05,920 --> 01:23:08,751
I love you. Will you marry me?

1588
01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:11,663
I'm sorry about the Wii Fit.

1589
01:23:12,480 --> 01:23:14,070
No, Jay.

1590
01:23:20,600 --> 01:23:22,780
- Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.

1591
01:23:22,880 --> 01:23:26,820
Jay, did you really come all this
way out here just to find me?

1592
01:23:26,920 --> 01:23:28,306
Yeah.

1593
01:23:28,880 --> 01:23:30,391
But...

1594
01:23:31,960 --> 01:23:34,780
not because I miss you,
but because I've got an STD,

1595
01:23:34,880 --> 01:23:37,340
and the doctor said I have to
tell all my former lovers,

1596
01:23:37,440 --> 01:23:39,269
and you're the last, number 6,004.

1597
01:23:39,960 --> 01:23:41,980
So, that's that dealt with. Good.

1598
01:23:42,080 --> 01:23:43,740
6,004?

1599
01:23:43,840 --> 01:23:45,829
Don't forget, a lot
of them was orgies.

1600
01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:49,422
Everything's been
rubbish since you left.

1601
01:23:50,160 --> 01:23:51,900
I work in a toilet
and I live in a tent.

1602
01:23:52,000 --> 01:23:53,829
Oh, come here.

1603
01:24:00,200 --> 01:24:02,268
So, do you wanna get back together?

1604
01:24:02,560 --> 01:24:04,540
No. No, that's definitely
not happening.

1605
01:24:04,640 --> 01:24:07,460
- Hashtag dumped again.
- Come on, let's get you home.

1606
01:24:07,560 --> 01:24:10,980
Last time I saw something that soppy,
I was pulling my cock out of it.

1607
01:24:11,080 --> 01:24:14,100
- Let's head back to the farm.
- I'm not sure we're in a state to travel.

1608
01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:15,780
We need serious medical attention.

1609
01:24:15,880 --> 01:24:18,460
What you need is some fucking
after sun and a beer.

1610
01:24:18,560 --> 01:24:21,700
Now, take your clothes
off and get in the ute.

1611
01:24:21,800 --> 01:24:23,660
Shit. Mum was right.

1612
01:24:23,760 --> 01:24:25,908
It's the best thing
for the sunstroke.

1613
01:24:26,200 --> 01:24:28,180
You need the heat to
leave your body quickly.

1614
01:24:28,280 --> 01:24:30,269
Right, fine. Of course.

1615
01:24:30,920 --> 01:24:33,387
Plus, it makes you easier to rape.

1616
01:24:35,520 --> 01:24:37,460
We couldn't wait to
leave the outback,

1617
01:24:37,560 --> 01:24:40,020
although some things would
stay with us forever...

1618
01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:42,348
mainly the sight of
Neil's meaty penis.

1619
01:24:42,880 --> 01:24:46,951
Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car
and then we headed back to civilisation...

1620
01:24:47,680 --> 01:24:50,460
if you can call Uncle
Bryan's house civilised.

1621
01:24:50,560 --> 01:24:51,780
Neil pissed all over my head,

1622
01:24:51,880 --> 01:24:53,940
but I didn't manage to drink any,
then we gave up.

1623
01:24:54,040 --> 01:24:55,900
But the stud farm sent
people to look for us,

1624
01:24:56,000 --> 01:24:57,980
and we were on the news...
they called us pommy morons.

1625
01:24:58,080 --> 01:24:59,860
Everyone has flown over,
they were worried.

1626
01:24:59,960 --> 01:25:02,940
But everything's changed, Luce.
I am so lucky to be alive.

1627
01:25:03,040 --> 01:25:05,260
And this world is just the
most beautiful thing.

1628
01:25:05,360 --> 01:25:07,820
You are so great and I
can't wait to get married.

1629
01:25:07,920 --> 01:25:09,385
I love you, Lucy.

1630
01:25:10,680 --> 01:25:12,703
I've been sleeping with Pete.

1631
01:25:13,360 --> 01:25:14,460
Sorry?

1632
01:25:14,560 --> 01:25:17,940
Me and your best man Pete
have been having sex.

1633
01:25:18,040 --> 01:25:19,900
Good sex.

1634
01:25:20,000 --> 01:25:23,220
Is this role playing again,
like when I said I'd bummed Will?

1635
01:25:23,320 --> 01:25:25,380
You're such a dopey prick.

1636
01:25:25,480 --> 01:25:27,580
I still can't believe you
come out of me nut sacks.

1637
01:25:27,680 --> 01:25:30,180
Your nut sacks? I can't believe
we're the same species.

1638
01:25:30,280 --> 01:25:31,900
Look at him, weedy and retarded.

1639
01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:35,620
He's like one of them X-Men freaks,
Doctor Lawn Fucker or something.

1640
01:25:35,720 --> 01:25:38,664
Oh, my God, my petal, my darling!

1641
01:25:39,120 --> 01:25:41,985
- I missed you so much.
- I was lost in the desert too.

1642
01:25:42,880 --> 01:25:46,060
I don't really want to be friends,
but Pete said it'd be better if we were.

1643
01:25:46,160 --> 01:25:47,580
Wait a minute.

1644
01:25:47,680 --> 01:25:49,460
- You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.

1645
01:25:49,560 --> 01:25:53,020
So I'm single and now Pete
has to go out with you?

1646
01:25:53,120 --> 01:25:54,540
Yes, Simon!

1647
01:25:54,640 --> 01:25:57,505
Ye-e-e-s!

1648
01:25:57,800 --> 01:25:59,660
Fucking brilliant!

1649
01:25:59,760 --> 01:26:01,620
- Oh, hello, Mrs McKenzie.
- Hello, Simon.

1650
01:26:01,720 --> 01:26:03,500
Your parents asked me
to check if you're OK.

1651
01:26:03,600 --> 01:26:06,420
Me? Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.

1652
01:26:06,520 --> 01:26:08,540
Sorry, sir. Sorry.
I didn't mean to swear.

1653
01:26:08,640 --> 01:26:11,900
Mr Gilbert? What are you doing here?
You have no jurisdiction.

1654
01:26:12,000 --> 01:26:14,700
Oh, Phil's just... helping me
out with a couple of things.

1655
01:26:14,800 --> 01:26:16,420
I don't follow. "Phil"?

1656
01:26:16,520 --> 01:26:18,740
Do I need to spell it
out for you, McKenzie?

1657
01:26:18,840 --> 01:26:19,900
OK.

1658
01:26:20,000 --> 01:26:22,020
Well, when a man loves
a lady very much,

1659
01:26:22,120 --> 01:26:26,660
blood rushes to the genital area,
enlarging significantly the penis.

1660
01:26:26,760 --> 01:26:30,540
- Or, in this case, my penis.
- I mean, we wanted to tell you in person,

1661
01:26:30,640 --> 01:26:33,380
then you getting lost was the perfect
excuse to come and see you.

1662
01:26:33,480 --> 01:26:35,580
Then we thought,
"Let's make it into a holiday."

1663
01:26:35,680 --> 01:26:39,180
Have you got any recommendations?
We've booked a Barrier Reef tour.

1664
01:26:39,280 --> 01:26:41,906
Yes. I'm very much looking
forward to going diving.

1665
01:26:55,640 --> 01:26:57,500
OK, so here's some bad news.

1666
01:26:57,600 --> 01:27:00,820
It turns out we did die in the desert,
because I appear to be in hell.

1667
01:27:00,920 --> 01:27:04,180
Jesus Christ, mate,
don't get me wrong,

1668
01:27:04,280 --> 01:27:05,900
I'm glad you stopped
fucking me garden,

1669
01:27:06,000 --> 01:27:08,467
but what was you thinking going
all that way for a fat chick?

1670
01:27:09,240 --> 01:27:11,700
- What did you just say?
- About the spunk hole?

1671
01:27:11,800 --> 01:27:14,060
- No, after that.
- About you chasing the fat chick?

1672
01:27:14,160 --> 01:27:17,260
You're lucky Fatty Boom Boom didn't
eat you out there in the desert.

1673
01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:19,622
Them fat chicks get
so fucking hungry...

1674
01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:24,820
Yeah, no, yeah, good.
I mean, good for trying.

1675
01:27:24,920 --> 01:27:26,860
Weak as fuck, obviously,
more like a slap.

1676
01:27:26,960 --> 01:27:29,180
You taught him how to
punch like a girl, I presume?

1677
01:27:29,280 --> 01:27:31,580
- Watch it, Bryan.
- Least your boy's got some spunk.

1678
01:27:31,680 --> 01:27:33,620
But it's mainly round his
mouth and arsehole.

1679
01:27:33,720 --> 01:27:36,620
- I said watch it.
- Or what? You'll slap me too?

1680
01:27:36,720 --> 01:27:38,700
- You...
- Here we go.

1681
01:27:38,800 --> 01:27:41,107
Get in there! Get in there,
you ugly fuck!

1682
01:27:41,880 --> 01:27:45,380
I'll give it to you. Then I'll
fucking give it to you again.

1683
01:27:45,480 --> 01:27:47,900
Shall we go? It's getting a
bit like my cousin's wedding.

1684
01:27:48,000 --> 01:27:50,300
- Yeah.
- In your fucking dreams.

1685
01:27:50,400 --> 01:27:53,060
I was thinking about not going
back to England for a bit.

1686
01:27:53,160 --> 01:27:55,820
Do some more travelling.
Vietnam's nice. Anyone fancy it?

1687
01:27:55,920 --> 01:27:58,700
I'm in. I've still got some shit
to sort out for the CIA there.

1688
01:27:58,800 --> 01:28:00,020
- Neil?
- I'd like to go travelling.

1689
01:28:00,120 --> 01:28:01,740
Go far enough,
we might find your mum.

1690
01:28:01,840 --> 01:28:03,300
- Fuck off.
- Sorry, Neil.

1691
01:28:03,400 --> 01:28:06,420
My Ping-Pong fanny girl's got a mate,
I could set you two up.

1692
01:28:06,520 --> 01:28:07,820
- Nice one.
- Shake on it?

1693
01:28:07,920 --> 01:28:09,500
- Cheers, mate.
- He's a ladyboy.

1694
01:28:09,600 --> 01:28:11,620
- Oh, fuck!
- Too late. You shook on it. Bad luck.

1695
01:28:11,720 --> 01:28:13,500
- Bants?
- No, you've gotta fuck a man with tits.

1696
01:28:13,600 --> 01:28:15,340
- Or a girl with a penis.
- Will, help me out.

1697
01:28:15,440 --> 01:28:16,660
Sorry, Neil. You shook on it.

1698
01:28:16,760 --> 01:28:19,340
I suppose I'd better just
stick to the top half.

1699
01:28:27,280 --> 01:28:29,303
<i>Live, baby, live</i>

1700
01:28:30,000 --> 01:28:32,023
<i>Now that the day is over</i>

1701
01:28:34,440 --> 01:28:37,191
<i>I got a new sensation</i>

1702
01:28:38,920 --> 01:28:41,227
<i>In perfect moments</i>

1703
01:28:42,680 --> 01:28:45,829
<i>But so impossible to refuse</i>

1704
01:28:51,280 --> 01:28:53,303
<i>Sleep, baby, sleep</i>

1705
01:28:53,920 --> 01:28:55,829
<i>Now that the night is over</i>

1706
01:28:58,600 --> 01:29:01,670
<i>And the sun comes like a god</i>

1707
01:29:02,680 --> 01:29:04,703
<i>Into our room</i>

1708
01:29:06,720 --> 01:29:10,586
<i>All perfect light and promises</i>

1709
01:29:11,200 --> 01:29:13,223
Kombucha!

1710
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:15,700
<i>Got a hold on you</i>

1711
01:29:15,800 --> 01:29:19,029
<i>A new sensation, a new sensation</i>

1712
01:29:21,400 --> 01:29:23,260
<i>It's gonna take you over</i>

1713
01:29:23,360 --> 01:29:26,860
<i>A new sensation, a new sensation</i>

1714
01:29:26,960 --> 01:29:28,983
<i>Dream, baby, dream</i>

1715
01:29:30,040 --> 01:29:32,063
<i>Of all that's come and going</i>

1716
01:29:34,360 --> 01:29:37,464
<i>And you will find out in the end</i>

1717
01:29:38,600 --> 01:29:40,623
<i>There really is</i>

1718
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:43,863
<i>There really is no difference</i>

1719
01:29:50,920 --> 01:29:52,943
<i>Cry, baby, cry</i>

1720
01:29:53,880 --> 01:29:55,550
<i>When you got to get it out...</i>

1721
01:29:58,720 --> 01:30:00,265
What the fuck?

1722
01:30:00,920 --> 01:30:03,260
All right? OK. Ease off.

1723
01:30:03,360 --> 01:30:05,349
I guess that's gonna be a problem?

1724
01:30:08,720 --> 01:30:10,500
- Oh, fuck off! Fuck off!
- Simon.

1725
01:30:10,600 --> 01:30:11,660
- We love it.
- Fuck off.

1726
01:30:11,760 --> 01:30:13,146
What's up with him?

1727
01:30:13,520 --> 01:30:16,749
<i>Are you ready for a new sensation?</i>

1728
01:30:18,320 --> 01:30:20,229
<i>Right now</i>

1729
01:30:21,400 --> 01:30:23,423
<i>It's gonna take you over</i>

1730
01:30:23,560 --> 01:30:25,780
Dad, this is Nikki.
Nikki, this is Dad.

1731
01:30:25,880 --> 01:30:27,186
Hi.

1732
01:30:30,720 --> 01:30:32,743
<i>A new sensation</i>

1733
01:30:33,040 --> 01:30:34,665
<i>A new sensation</i>

1734
01:30:34,960 --> 01:30:36,860
<i>A new sensation</i>

1735
01:30:36,960 --> 01:30:38,585
<i>Right now</i>

1736
01:30:39,400 --> 01:30:40,860
<i>It's got a hold on you</i>

1737
01:30:40,960 --> 01:30:42,585
<i>A new sensation</i>

1738
01:30:42,840 --> 01:30:44,704
<i>A new sensation</i>

1739
01:30:45,000 --> 01:30:46,860
<i>A new sensation</i>

1740
01:30:46,960 --> 01:30:49,188
<i>Yeah</i>

1741
01:30:51,000 --> 01:30:52,829
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

1742
01:30:53,120 --> 01:30:55,143
<i>A new sensation</i>

1742
01:30:56,305 --> 01:31:02,937
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