1
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

2
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:32,091
Koyaanisqatsi.

3
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:46,605
That music was very foreboding.
It's made a shiver go down my spine.

4
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,733
- That'll be the air-conditioning.
- I would've taken it off sooner

5
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,945
but I was having a fascinating
conversation with the proud father

6
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,822
of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.

7
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,616
Just passed his details on
to the Social Services.

8
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,328
The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.

9
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:04,498
- It's midday.
- Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.

10
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,334
You're listening to
Mid-Morning Matters.

11
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,337
Mid-Morning Matters
with Alan Partridge.

12
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,715
Music and chat for the
Norfolk generation.

13
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,593
Sorry, it's the other way.

14
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,554
Later we'll be taking dedications

15
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:21,431
for anyone wrongly turned down
for planning permission.

16
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:24,434
Also, I'll be asking:
Which is the worst monger?

17
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:27,813
Fish, iron, rumour or war?
Pretty clear, that one.

18
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,898
Now it's time for today's large question.

19
00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:32,818
Large question.

20
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,736
It's the near future.

21
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:38,323
An unprovoked chemical attack
from France, or possibly China,

22
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,576
has left us without a sense of smell.

23
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,829
In a whiff-free world,
what smell would you miss the most?

24
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:45,873
- Tom in Diss?
- Petrol.

25
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:49,293
Nice. Wrongly referred to
by the Americans as "gas".

26
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,919
It's petrol, not gas.

27
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,754
- Dominic in Castle Acre?
- Money.

28
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:54,548
Yep. Joe in Holt?

29
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,633
- My wife's nightie.
- You kinky get.

30
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,094
- Saucy sod.
- She died, you see.

31
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,306
- Smells matter.
- They do.

32
00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,268
Hey, Greg.

33
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,855
This is a great station,
a real cracker.

34
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,941
Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um...
this is Jason Tresswell.

35
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,777
- Managing Director of...
- Goredale Media.

36
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:19,406
Our new owners, huh?
I Googled you on Yahoo.

37
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,701
That's Pat Farrell.
Does week nights. 10-12.

38
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:24,536
Sleepy-time slot.

39
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,497
- So, are you on your way out?
- You tell me.

40
00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,041
Gillian writes to ask:

41
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,711
Is it true you're being taken over
by a bunch of corporate whores?

42
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:37,841
Er... Gillian, I'm 99%
certain that's not true.

43
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,094
We've got a text here
from Joy in Diss who says:

44
00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:43,305
An easy way to solve
the problems in Israel...

45
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,308
- A thorny issue. - ... would be for
Judaism and Islam to merge.

46
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,310
Wouldn't hold your breath.

47
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,229
- They both hate pigs.
- True enough.

48
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,397
You could call it Jislam.

49
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:56,860
I think you can go in circles, can't you,
trying to think of names for something?

50
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,862
Even er... a cat.

51
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,406
Well, nettles cause 'em,
dock leaves cure 'em.

52
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,700
It's a sting. It's Sting.

53
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:04,868
# Roxanne

54
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,247
- Sorry.
- Never, never criticise Muslims.

55
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,417
Only Christians.
And Jews a little bit.

56
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,673
Alan, it's started. They're here.

57
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We're being taken over.

58
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So?

59
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,725
# Roxanne

60
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# You don't have to
put on the red light

61
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,858
# Those days are over

62
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:40,028
# You don't have to sell
your body to the night

63
00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:43,365
Hello?

64
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,080
Are you in the business centre?

65
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,957
# Coconut, everybody

66
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,334
# Like de coconut

67
00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:57,754
# Coconut, coconut...

68
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:04,011
# Coconut, coconut

69
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:07,681
Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about
how ospreys died out in Britain

70
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,393
and had to be reintroduced
from Scandinavia in the early '90s.

71
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,064
Now I think there are
almost 500 of them.

72
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,859
Yeah. 480.

73
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It shows we should treasure
and value our wildlife.

74
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,573
So, what you got, girl?

75
00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:27,409
Well, the butchers want you
to do another voiceover.

76
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,119
"Bannan's the Butcher's.

77
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,122
Yesterday's meat
at today's prices. "

78
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,666
You've had the mayor
of Hickling get in touch.

79
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,086
He listens to your show and wants to
offer you the freedom of the village.

80
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- It doesn't even have a post office.
- They give you a big key.

81
00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,967
- How big?
- That big.

82
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Tell him I accept.

83
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,430
Everything seems to be
chugging along nicely.

84
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Everything OK, Alan?

85
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:54,811
Michael's just sent a text saying he
hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

86
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,481
- How does he...
- He steals it from a pub.

87
00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:58,940
- Oh.
- That's a relief.

88
00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:01,651
Shared a bag of salty popcorn
with him last week.

89
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,113
# Roll out the barrel!
- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.

90
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:09,868
Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty casserole
of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.

91
00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:13,580
Local folk trio Will - o' - the - wisp
will be playing live in the studio,

92
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,667
and I'll be taking your calls on
my ever popular fireside phone-in.

93
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Don't miss it.

94
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OK, for those who haven't
slipped into a coma,

95
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you are listening to the Breakfast Show
with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.

96
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:33,266
- How we feeling this morning, guys?
- Better than you, by the look of things.

97
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,103
- I had it large. I got on it.
- Take it easy tonight, then.

98
00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:38,146
I would but we've got
the launch tonight.

99
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,774
North Norfolk Digital are
changing their name to...

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00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:43,110
'Shape - The Way You Want It To Be'.

101
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,863
# Shape - the way you want it to be

102
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,118
Coming up next, Alan Partridge.
God bless him, how old is he?

103
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60 or something. Got to be, hasn't he?

104
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55.

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Alan, we love you, mate.
We love you really.

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This one's for you if you're listening.

107
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It's Roachford.

108
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# Well, I don't pour out my
heart like this to everyone

109
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,939
# Not anyone that I meet

110
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:25,152
# And I know it ain't the wine,
cos I feel just fine

111
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,154
# Can't you see, baby?

112
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# I'm still on my feet

113
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:31,116
# Oh, but a cuddly toy

114
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# That's my only joy waiting for me
when I get home, yeah

115
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:40,208
# And what I need is a girl like you

116
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# All I need, yeah,
to call my very own

117
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,966
# So you gotta feel for me, baby
# Feel for me, baby

118
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,428
# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
# Feel for me, baby

119
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,723
# Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby
# Feel for me, baby

120
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# Oh, gimme some love

121
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,312
# Come on, now...

122
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,651
Your fog lamps are on.

123
00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:10,197
Your fog lamps are on.
There's no fog.

124
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,366
There's no fog.

125
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:14,618
No fog.

126
00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,745
# Oh, a cuddly toy

127
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,830
# That's my only joy

128
00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:21,416
# Waiting for me when I get home

129
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,626
# Na-na

130
00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:24,544
# And what I need

131
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,713
# Is a girl like you

132
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,841
# Just to call, call my very own

133
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:33,470
# So, you gotta feel for me, baby
# Feel for me, baby

134
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,307
# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
# Feel for me, baby

135
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,519
# You gotta feel for me, baby
# Feel for me, baby

136
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,854
# Oh, gimme some love

137
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,482
Love that noise.

138
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,734
Michael, do it outside.

139
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,322
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning, Mr Partridge.

140
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,117
- Paper.
- I was doing a fist bump.

141
00:08:56,285 --> 00:09:00,080
- You would say that now you've lost.
- It's instead of a handshake.

142
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:02,958
Some people say it's more hygienic
than a handshake.

143
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,794
But who's to say you can't
get shit on your fist?

144
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,339
- Did you hear him making fun of you?
- I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,

145
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,050
"There's only one thing worse
than being talked about. "

146
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,302
- Cancer.
- No. "Not being talked about. "

147
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,555
Oscar Wilde said that's
worse than cancer?

148
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:19,015
Yeah. I think he was at a party.

149
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,685
Probably just being a gay show-off.

150
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,228
# Shape, Shape, Shape

151
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,059
Do you know what I really like?

152
00:09:25,359 --> 00:09:28,268
I like waking up in the morning,
breathing in the air and er...

153
00:09:28,303 --> 00:09:30,902
actually realising I've made it through
the night and I haven't wet the bed.

154
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,238
No, I am joking, obviously, but er...

155
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:37,909
they were, of course,
very, very dark days indeed.

156
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,411
But they're all behind me now.

157
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:41,955
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Alan.

158
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,332
Alan Partridge has just
walked into the building.

159
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,710
Walking and talking,
like The West Wing.

160
00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:49,671
- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!
- Mr President, we have a code red.

161
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,757
- I've never seen the show.
- No, me neither.

162
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,510
Corner coming up.

163
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:58,138
You never know what's
round the corner.

164
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,266
More corners, usually.

165
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,729
Imagine a world without corners.

166
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:10,275
No-one would be able to cut any.
Everyone would be going round in circles.

167
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:16,573
Wow.

168
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,493
I enjoyed that.

169
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:22,746
I will tell you one thing.

170
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,664
When I was going through
my bad times,

171
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:29,836
I found Norfolk was perhaps
maybe not the place to be and...

172
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,381
just because it's so flat
and there was a sort of a...

173
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:36,343
a bleakness about the place,
but obviously now...

174
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,970
You're a good broadcaster, Alan.
Don't forget that.

175
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,222
- I wasn't planning to, Pat.
- You seen this memo?

176
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,516
"Exciting new phase.
Here's to the future. "

177
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:46,353
- My days are numbered.
- No-one's getting sacked.

178
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,357
It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker,
when the swimming pool allegations came out.

179
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:51,608
- He was in bits.
- Yeah.

180
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,612
It turned out he was just helping those lads
towel off. He was being nice.

181
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,406
- He didn't even know them.
- Yeah, but where is he now?

182
00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:01,451
- He runs his own business.
- There. He's back on his feet.

183
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,328
Rents out bouncy castles.

184
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,205
For adults, yeah?

185
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,333
- Look at this memo.
- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.

186
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,461
Goredale Media are simply re-imagining
our core brand values

187
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,465
and giving it a name more fitting
to multi-platform content delivery.

188
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,093
- They're people people.
- People people sack people.

189
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:21,429
No, Pat. People sack people.
People people please people.

190
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,807
- Can you have a word with them, Alan?
- Would you?

191
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:27,519
Er... sure. As soon as I can get them
all in the same room together.

192
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,522
- They're all up in the boardroom now.
- That's great.

193
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,982
Thank you. Thank you, Alan.
You're a pal.

194
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,360
Well, pals is pals.

195
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,366
If we're all looking at the last quarterly
figures for North Norfolk on page 6.

196
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,827
Then if you turn to page 5.

197
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:49,124
Hi, guys, don't want to be an agenda-bender,
but any chance of a wa-wa?

198
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:53,086
- It's not a good time, Alan.
- It's fine, we've time. Come in.

199
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:56,589
Oh, we moved the other thing.
Yeah, it's a good time.

200
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,299
Alan. Alan Partridge.

201
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,593
Jason Tresswell,
MD of Goredale Media.

202
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:04,097
It's not "Alan Alan Partridge".
It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".

203
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,057
I know some people
do have two names.

204
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,101
Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.

205
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,019
Duran Duran.

206
00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:11,980
Yeah, that's not as good.

207
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,941
Um... Kris Kristofferson.

208
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,153
Excellent small talk.
Gentlemen, to business.

209
00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:21,865
I am here as one of the more senior
D - jocks at this station.

210
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:23,825
I'm here to talk about jobs.

211
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:27,454
Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?

212
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,539
Should er... snap my heels together.

213
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,291
- Achtung!
- Guten Tag.

214
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,251
Silence! Sorry. I meant to miss you.

215
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,503
I want you to do something for me.

216
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:41,009
I want you to take all your prejudices,
put them in a box marked "prejudices",

217
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:44,137
put it to one side, wipe the prejudice
juice off your hands...

218
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:47,223
Can I just stop you there?
Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.

219
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,684
I'm not scared of anything.
Not even an elephant,

220
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,604
which is interesting,
because there's one in this room.

221
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,564
- Wanna know his name?
- Pat Farrell.

222
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,358
It's Pat Farrell.
Pat's audience is old.

223
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:00,695
Old people, much like dogs,
are blindly loyal.

224
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,531
And if Pat hi-tails it to
Cedar FM and they follow,

225
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:06,910
you've got a grey exodus on your hands.
A grexodus.

226
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:12,040
Hm. That prejudices box doesn't
seem quite so cool any more, does it?

227
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,751
Yeah, but we bought
Cedar FM as well.

228
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,253
I didn't know that.
I did not know that.

229
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:28,014
- The point is...
- You were talking about Pat Farrell.

230
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,683
Pat Farrell is a great guy.

231
00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:34,687
He's always the first to speak up
at union meetings,

232
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,482
being a member of a union.

233
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:43,029
He's also Irish, which again, weirdly,
a plus point, if you like swearing.

234
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,949
He's often on his show:
"Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".

235
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,701
Some Irish people say "Feck off"
isn't as bad as "Fuck off"

236
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,703
but I think that's bullshit or bellshit.

237
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:54,082
- The bottom line is, he swears too much.
- This is all very interesting...

238
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,084
I can sum up Pat Farrell
in ten words.

239
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,921
Pat isn't very good so let him go,
guys, seriously.

240
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,549
I can condense that
to three words.

241
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,307
Just sack Pat.

242
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,184
That completes my presentation.

243
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,522
Gentlemen,
I'll leave you to your biscuits.

244
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,488
Gloves.

245
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,158
Oh, fuck.

246
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,660
Glove.

247
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,203
# Shape

248
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,956
# The way you want it to be

249
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:39,919
Ahhh! That was soft rock
cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.

250
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,171
And this was Mid-Morning Matters.

251
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:43,715
Where once again,

252
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,925
- mid-morning... mattered.
- Mattered.

253
00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:48,469
Supposed to do it in sync.

254
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,264
- Always leave a gap.
- Sorry.

255
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,807
Simple. Very simple.

256
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:56,978
You're listening to Shape -
The Way You Want It To Be.

257
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,277
Mm-hm. Right.
And will it take long?

258
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:09,824
It will take long. OK.
Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.

259
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,036
I'm not happy about it, but...

260
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,080
I'll have to go along with it, won't I?

261
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:21,535
The... The problem is
that the phone rings

262
00:15:21,918 --> 00:15:25,412
even when I'm speaking on it,
so it sounds bloody weird.

263
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:30,011
In fact, I think it just did it then.
Did you hear it? Yes?

264
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,263
Yeah. He heard it too.

265
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:35,058
OK, well, I'll leave it with you.

266
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,185
Mm-hm. Yep.

267
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,728
Yep.

268
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,688
All right. Thanks, Susan.

269
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,319
If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone,
there'll be hell to pay.

270
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,572
They wouldn't even let me
say goodbye to my listeners.

271
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,241
Just gave me 30 minute
to clear out my locker.

272
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,953
Well, at least I'm getting
their mugs dirty.

273
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,206
Thanks, Alan.
You always stuck up for me.

274
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,291
Not like the others.

275
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:04,337
Well, I'll let you get back to... Geoff.

276
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:08,800
- Who's Geoff?
- Geoff Susan.

277
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,510
Oh, yes, of course.

278
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,392
Ahhhhh...

279
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,310
I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?

280
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,189
I mean, I think he knew his days
were numbered.

281
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,316
More of an assisted suicide really.

282
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:29,737
I just flew him to Switzerland
and filled out a few forms and...

283
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,448
...sloped off to the airport.

284
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,493
I've got to be honest, Lynn,
I'm feeling pretty crummy.

285
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,954
Pat's Irish, isn't he?

286
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,664
To be sure.

287
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,583
Why don't you donate
£50 to Sinn Fein?

288
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,460
Perfect.

289
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,130
Love that noise.

290
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,007
Keep me away from
the sausage rolls.

291
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,717
I'm wearing my chubby
clothes again.

292
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,969
- I noticed.
- What the chub, or the clothes?

293
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,762
- Ipad.
- My-pad.

294
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,848
Not that funny, Lynn.

295
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,355
- I used to go with prostitutes.
- Brilliant.

296
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:07,316
Cocaine - that was a trigger.
Cocaine, prostitutes.

297
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:11,320
Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er...
luminous green bile.

298
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,074
Yeah, I was withdrawing.

299
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:16,993
I've got my minder with me.

300
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,037
- Lynn?
- She might not seem tough

301
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,581
but I once saw her stamp on
50 cockroaches in a minute.

302
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,458
He didn't see.
He was in the next room.

303
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,501
- It was in Wales.
- It's true, yeah.

304
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:28,588
All I could hear was crunch, crunch, crunch,
stamp, stamp, stamp.

305
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,841
I thought she was country dancing
whilst eating cereal.

306
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,011
I thought it was the End of Days.
They were legion.

307
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,596
Lynn likes The Bible.

308
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:38,598
I've never understood moths.

309
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,392
They only come out at night,
yet they're attracted to light.

310
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,770
I don't know why they just don't
come out during the day.

311
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,647
I've nothing to add to that.
If you substituted butterfly...

312
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,733
Could you go and get me
some sausage rolls?

313
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:52,820
If you substituted butterfly for moth,
I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.

314
00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:54,781
Unfortunately,
Wordsworth didn't say:

315
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:58,785
"I wandered lonely as a moth
to eat some jumpers in a drawer"

316
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:03,206
"As if that wasn't bad enough,
it ate my sock upon the moor"

317
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:12,256
Yeah. It's just... I don't know why
a sock could be on the moor.

318
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,383
A mitten, maybe.

319
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:16,886
I actually spewed up some
of my stomach lining.

320
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,098
I don't know if you've ever done er...
done any horse, have you?

321
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,934
- I've ridden a donkey.
- No, no, no, I mean heroin.

322
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,520
I know what you mean.
No, I've not done heroin.

323
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:28,523
- I don't like subtitles in my films.
- If you can read, read a book.

324
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:31,234
Citizen Kane. Black and white.
I haven't seen that.

325
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:34,654
I tell you what, the best film for me,
ever, is still The Godfather.

326
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,906
- Ah, amazing film.
- Perfect film.

327
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,534
"I'm gonna make him an offer
he can't refuse. "

328
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:41,536
- Amazing acting, though.
- Great acting.

329
00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:42,995
I tell you what's even better -

330
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:46,707
a lot of people are shocked when I say
this - the camera angles.

331
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:48,709
- Alan, I need a word.
- Camera angles?

332
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,254
It's rather delicate.

333
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:54,507
Remember when you took me for
that Christmas meal at the ice rink?

334
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,968
You remember that woman
disinfecting the boots?

335
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,303
The one that took a shine to you?

336
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,597
I went home and you and her...

337
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,725
Well, it's... none of my business.

338
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:08,146
It is none of your business, but for
the record, went back to her place,

339
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,816
watched Air Crash Investigation,
then I fell asleep in her big armchair.

340
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,401
A perfectly normal woman.

341
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,153
Well, she's here.

342
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,363
Lynn, get rid of her.
She's a drunk racist.

343
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,116
- I'll tolerate one, but not both.
- Fine.

344
00:19:20,617 --> 00:19:22,535
But you said I could pop by any time.

345
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,954
I know, but my career's
hanging by a thread.

346
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,290
- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?
- No, no.

347
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,917
You just wanted sex, you used me.

348
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,669
Well, maybe you used me.

349
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,922
I... I didn't have much of a say
over what went on that night.

350
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:37,592
Didn't hear you complaining.

351
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:40,261
- I couldn't speak.
- See you round mine again, then.

352
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:41,971
I... don't know, I'm... I'm...

353
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:46,350
- What's wrong with my place?
- Well... all those dogs barking.

354
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,186
But it's their bedroom too.

355
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,479
May I have a word?

356
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,528
You're talking clap... crap!

357
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,489
I sound like a fucking
Chinky when I'm pissed!

358
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:07,538
There we go. All done.

359
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,167
- What did you say to her?
- I told her that God loves everyone.

360
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,628
Even sluts.

361
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,005
- Good night, Lynn.
- Night, Alan.

362
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,158
Hello?

363
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,285
V funny. Tee-hee.

364
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,704
Very impressive.

365
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:53,209
Oh, they must have left in a hurry.
Something weird's happened.

366
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:04,971
All right, you freaked me out,
so just... pack it...

367
00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:06,347
There you are!

368
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,974
Pat? Agh!

369
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,607
I'm down.

370
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,492
You...

371
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,786
You step to me?

372
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,414
Simon.

373
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,165
Er...

374
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:35,334
Yeah, all right. I'll go on without you.

375
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:53,227
Stop! Stop! Stop!

376
00:21:53,895 --> 00:21:55,813
- I need to commandeer this vehicle.
- What?

377
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,815
- There's a mad man with a gun.
- Um...

378
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,067
- He's Irish!
- Get in.

379
00:22:01,528 --> 00:22:05,323
Why do you sit so close to the wheel?
I could steer with my balls!

380
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,744
- Where's the nearest police station?
- Just here.

381
00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:11,787
Oh... thanks.

382
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,040
Are you Alan Partrid?

383
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:19,670
Assault, battery, kidnap,
chronic thuggery,

384
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,424
brandishment, actual bodily harm,
grievous bodily harm...

385
00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:25,885
...harm.
- Just stick to what you saw

386
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,387
and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.

387
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:30,723
- You mean aitch?
- That's what I said.

388
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,516
Nearly, you said haitch.

389
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:34,602
"Ha" is the sound of the letter,
aitch is its name.

390
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,854
One is ha, the other is aitch.
Neither is "haitch".

391
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,898
- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
- Mr Partridge?

392
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,317
- Something else we need
to talk about. - Oh...

393
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,569
- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, fine.

394
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:48,074
I've never been in a
police car before.

395
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:50,326
May I lower the window, please?

396
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,085
Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha Papa
arriving at the school building.

397
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:00,961
- Officer.
- Mr Partridge.

398
00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:04,006
- You were at the police station.
- I was just in the car with you.

399
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,217
- If you want to follow me, please.
- Huh.

400
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,469
- This way, please, sir.
- Yep.

401
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,390
Let's do it.

402
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:18,312
Mr Partridge, this is the Gold
Commander of the operation.

403
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:22,316
- Seriously, is that what you're called?
- On this operation, yes.

404
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:24,402
I'm Acting Chief Constable
Janet Whitehead.

405
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:27,279
- An honour.
- And I'm Martin Fitch.

406
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:29,281
Send.

407
00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:31,992
From Scotland Yard's Hostage
and Crisis Unit.

408
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,994
Here to lead the negotiation.

409
00:23:34,162 --> 00:23:36,247
Er... little bit awkward.
Who's in charge?

410
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,958
Make no mistake,
this lady is in charge.

411
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:43,421
So here's the situation.
Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.

412
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:47,550
He's willing to give us three hostages
but only if he can talk to us through you.

413
00:23:48,373 --> 00:23:50,355
Now, we need to know
why Pat has done this

414
00:23:50,681 --> 00:23:53,077
so we can draw things
to a peaceful conclusion.

415
00:23:53,532 --> 00:23:56,566
Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.
Sorry, wrong person.

416
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,602
Come here.

417
00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:04,525
OK. Now, are you on any medication?

418
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,694
Er... Just some cream.

419
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,739
I've got very aggressive athlete's foot
but that's the only thing about me that is.

420
00:24:10,907 --> 00:24:13,993
Do you suffer from any nervous conditions,
such as panic attacks?

421
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,246
Do I look like I suffer
from panic attacks?

422
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,540
I've had one panic
attack in a car wash.

423
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,835
It was a perfect storm
of no sleep, no wife,

424
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,671
and angry brushes
whirring towards me.

425
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,758
By the time the giant hair dryer came on,
I was in the footwell.

426
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,430
Does the idea of weaponry
trouble you?

427
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:38,225
Er... no. I've fired several rifles,
at fun fairs, and won prizes.

428
00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:41,353
But I've never fired one in anger,
or at a cat.

429
00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,565
We'll have you fully briefed
by the tactical firearms team.

430
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,691
Cool.

431
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:48,360
We'll keep in regular phone
contact with you when you go in.

432
00:24:48,528 --> 00:24:50,112
Very cool. Sorry, go in?

433
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,740
- What, into the building?
- Mm-hm.

434
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,410
- To speak to Pat in person?
- Yes, is that not what you...

435
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,706
- Erm...
- Everything OK?

436
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,543
I'm just a little nervous about
going into a car wash... er... siege.

437
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,421
So what do you say, Al?
Will you help us?

438
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,097
Yep.

439
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:21,060
Guys, none of us choose
the hand we're dealt...

440
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,481
- You know...
- We do need an answer, I'm afraid.

441
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:27,274
Do you have another siege to go to?

442
00:25:27,442 --> 00:25:30,110
It's my understanding that if you say yes,
you're allowed a few words.

443
00:25:30,278 --> 00:25:32,571
- So you are saying yes?
- I was leaving that to the end.

444
00:25:32,739 --> 00:25:34,365
- If you'd like to come with me.
- Sure.

445
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,534
Can I get a copy of that?

446
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:39,286
- Let's keep this simple, shall we?
- Roger, that.

447
00:25:39,454 --> 00:25:41,205
- No heroics.
- Ten-four, good buddy.

448
00:25:41,414 --> 00:25:43,415
Do not physically engage him.

449
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:46,043
- Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah?
- Where do you read that?

450
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,170
Big fans of you guys in TFU.

451
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:50,881
If I had my way,
all police officers would carry firearms.

452
00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:53,926
I think that firearms should remain
in the hands of specialists.

453
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:57,304
I was going to say that only specialists
should be allowed to fire them.

454
00:25:57,472 --> 00:26:00,182
If you think I've just made that up,
you can call my assistant.

455
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:02,518
Alan! Read my lips.

456
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,937
If you jeopardise the safety
of any of my men,

457
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:08,440
or any of those hostages because
you've not been listening to me,

458
00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:12,236
I will take off this police uniform
and I will make you pay for it.

459
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,739
You want me to buy your
police uniform off you?

460
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:18,534
No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding,
is that clear?

461
00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,578
Yes, that's clear.
Yes. That's clear.

462
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,830
You're close to me.

463
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:26,333
Now, you're a smart bloke,
I know you can handle it.

464
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,669
- I know you won't disappoint me.
- I won't.

465
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:31,630
I aim to please you, and I...
I hope to impress you.

466
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,466
- Good man.
- Yeah, you're a good man too.

467
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,219
Right, well, Dom will fill you in.

468
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,519
He has to say all that
shit for the insurance.

469
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,396
- Right.
- Tell me this much, mate.

470
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,940
- What's your favourite siege?
- Iranian Embassy.

471
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,233
Same. Why?

472
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:52,943
They used the sound
of a pneumatic drill

473
00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:56,322
to disguise the noise of them removing
bricks from a neighbouring wall.

474
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:59,283
- So they could smash through and...
- Take them out the game.

475
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,535
It's just a great siege.

476
00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:03,787
Right.

477
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:06,707
Do you want to see my gun?

478
00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:09,168
Does erm... Yes, please.

479
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,465
Let's clock the Glock.

480
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,801
You'll have to move
quicker than that.

481
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:20,721
- Any last messages for your kids?
- Oh... Er...

482
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,598
No, they don't speak
to me any more.

483
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:24,683
Yeah, "Why don't you
speak to me any more?"

484
00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:26,393
I wouldn't know the answer,
would I?

485
00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:30,439
So just um... just...
tell them I love them.

486
00:27:38,281 --> 00:27:40,908
Pat, Alan's coming in now.

487
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:57,466
- Greg!
- Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.

488
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:01,553
- They let you go as well?
- I'm relieved to be getting out of there.

489
00:28:01,721 --> 00:28:04,181
- Aren't there still women in there?
- Yeah, well...

490
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:07,768
I think it would be a bit sexist
to let all the women go out first.

491
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,229
Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.

492
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:11,939
Thanks.

493
00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:18,430
Pat?

494
00:28:21,430 --> 00:28:22,966
Pat?

495
00:28:23,522 --> 00:28:24,996
Pat?

496
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,587
- Prepare to die.
- I'm not ready to!

497
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:38,173
Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.

498
00:28:38,341 --> 00:28:40,342
It's me - Pat.

499
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,593
God, you...

500
00:28:41,761 --> 00:28:45,180
I just thought a little jokey costume
would, you know, put you at ease,

501
00:28:45,348 --> 00:28:48,350
- give you a giggle.
- Well... mission accomplished.

502
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:50,561
Oh, God.

503
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,688
- It's great to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

504
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,691
I bought you some cake,
not that you deserve it after that.

505
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,235
I should just crush it in my hand.
Oh, I already have.

506
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:01,321
- How the devil are you?
- Yeah, not bad, not bad.

507
00:29:01,489 --> 00:29:02,906
How are you feeling?

508
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:04,742
- Great!
- Good.

509
00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:07,286
Oh, er... the police told
me to bring you this.

510
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,121
It's just a standard field phone,

511
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:12,499
should you feel the inclination
to communicate with ze authorities.

512
00:29:12,667 --> 00:29:16,128
Good thing about these things,
they're immune to the problems and glitches

513
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,380
you get with satellite phones.

514
00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:21,425
But, like I say,
it's just an option, really.

515
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:27,097
I just realised, when you asked me now
how I was feeling, you meant...

516
00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,266
Yes, I did.

517
00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:33,270
- Does this answer your question?
- Yes, it does.

518
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,522
Oh, hello. Didn't see you there.

519
00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:37,691
Someone's been in the wars.

520
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,152
- That's just Simon.
- Can he breathe through that?

521
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,196
Of course. It's just
like wearing a mask.

522
00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:45,157
At least when someone puts you in a mask,
you've got a safe word,

523
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,367
like "airbag", or "crayfish".

524
00:29:48,828 --> 00:29:50,746
What's the er... That thing?

525
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,540
Oh, we made that. It's a head holster.

526
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:57,419
- Never heard of one of those.
- Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?

527
00:29:57,754 --> 00:29:59,838
You insert the shotgun.

528
00:30:00,381 --> 00:30:02,341
Place on stand.
And... voilà.

529
00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:04,968
Hands free. I can move around the studio,
do anything I want.

530
00:30:05,136 --> 00:30:08,263
And if something happens...
I don't even have to look.

531
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:10,808
Boom. Hit the target.

532
00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:13,185
Yeah... well, you don't
need an accomplice.

533
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,312
Well, I've got you now.

534
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,980
Yeah.

535
00:30:17,732 --> 00:30:19,817
Thank you.

536
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:25,322
So you're with the police now?

537
00:30:27,742 --> 00:30:29,743
Oh, this... no, this is just...

538
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:31,870
I think it's Velcro. There you go.

539
00:30:32,038 --> 00:30:33,580
Feck the police.

540
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,333
I think they thought that
if they did take a pot shot at you -

541
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,168
it's a siege, you've got a gun -

542
00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:40,504
that the bullet might pass
through you and hit me.

543
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,923
Unless they use dum-dums,
which explode inside the body.

544
00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:46,260
I said, do not use dum-dums on
Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.

545
00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:49,221
Just use a high-velocity round
that passes through his body

546
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:50,931
because he's a friend of mine.

547
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,934
And I suppose if I want to shoot you,
I can always aim for the head.

548
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,477
Exactly. Exactly.

549
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,938
Um... I don't even know
why I'm wearing it.

550
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:00,357
- So take it off.
- I'll happily take it off.

551
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:01,692
Go on, then.

552
00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:04,278
- If you want me to, I'll take it off.
- Fucking take it off!

553
00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:06,947
Oh, Pat, now you're making
me want to wear it.

554
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:09,074
This is not my bag.

555
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,868
I'm-I'm-I'm... a disc jockey.

556
00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:12,995
I'm sorry you got the sack.

557
00:31:13,162 --> 00:31:17,416
I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in bed
watching funny videos on YouTube.

558
00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,420
"Sneezing panda" or
"Charlie bit my finger".

559
00:31:22,213 --> 00:31:24,548
Have you seen
"Fat woman falls down the hole"?

560
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:30,637
- That's hilarious. Isn't it?
- Yeah.

561
00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:32,764
I've seen it before, but, yeah.

562
00:31:32,932 --> 00:31:37,019
That... That should be fenced off really,
but erm... I'm glad it wasn't.

563
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,021
Great.

564
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:42,149
Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask,
where are the hostages?

565
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,067
In there.

566
00:31:46,529 --> 00:31:48,614
Oh, my God!

567
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,867
That's like some sort of zoo
from Planet Of The Apes.

568
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,537
Danny looks a bit... bruised.

569
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,748
I lost my temper a couple of times.

570
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,667
- Three times.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.

571
00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:02,878
Go and say hello.

572
00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,881
- Give him a slap yourself, if you want.
- Oh, no...

573
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:09,760
No, I'll just... I'll just say hello.

574
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:13,388
- Alan... - Look, do the
police know we're here?

575
00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:15,182
Alan! What the hell's going on?

576
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:19,019
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

577
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:22,272
Cool it with the cross-talk,
you're professional broadcasters.

578
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:25,067
- I'm not, I'm a writer.
- We'll get through this with each other.

579
00:32:25,234 --> 00:32:28,862
I want everyone to shake hands with everyone
else. Now! Whether you want to or not.

580
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,906
This is ridiculous.

581
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:32,699
Ow.

582
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:34,910
Hello, er... Connor.

583
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:39,247
- Paper.
- Hi.

584
00:32:39,415 --> 00:32:42,417
OK. Pat will not communicate
directly with the police.

585
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,628
Only through me.

586
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,131
So as of now, I am bullhorn.

587
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,801
- But I think we're gonna be OK.
- OK? He hit me!

588
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,638
Let's not get into who hit who or,
you know, who may have deserved it.

589
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,848
You need to keep him away from me.
Understand?

590
00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:58,725
What I need to do, Danny,

591
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,103
in conjunction with Jason,
is crisis management.

592
00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:03,397
I'm sure he'll agree
there has been plenty of crisis...

593
00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:06,233
- But no management.
- Cowabunga. Walk with me.

594
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,445
Alan, you do realise
you're in the box seat here?

595
00:33:10,613 --> 00:33:12,030
You've got the guy's confidence.

596
00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:13,281
Yeah. I don't know why.

597
00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:16,702
I go for a curry with him once a year,
and even then I don't have a starter.

598
00:33:16,869 --> 00:33:18,120
Trouble is, he does.

599
00:33:18,287 --> 00:33:20,247
All I need to know is can you handle it?

600
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,790
Well, er...

601
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,584
Would you ask that of a man
who'd gone paintballing,

602
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:27,921
realised he'd left his goggles at reception
but carried on anyway?

603
00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:29,673
- Why?
- You're looking at him.

604
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:31,842
OK, guys, quick wa-wa.

605
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,511
Just had a pow-wow with Jase,
upshot is...

606
00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:37,264
I'm gonna be his right-hand
man on this one.

607
00:33:37,473 --> 00:33:40,267
He'll be um... my left-hand man.

608
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,769
- Er...
- Sorry.

609
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,647
The point is,
Pat has not gone mad.

610
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:49,734
He has a grievance.
He needs some sort of outlet.

611
00:33:50,233 --> 00:33:53,140
This is Pat Farrell, welcoming
you to Roll Out The Farrell

612
00:33:53,451 --> 00:33:55,728
on North Norfolk Digital.

613
00:33:55,763 --> 00:33:57,617
OK. Pat may have...
may have gone mad.

614
00:33:57,785 --> 00:33:59,828
He may have gone mad.

615
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:03,665
And now we have a text from
Cynthia in Holt, who writes,

616
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,542
Dear Pat, we are
sending you a bottle...

617
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,962
- Ma'am, you'd better listen to this.
- ... of our homemade plum brandy.

618
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,089
We use it to make brandy butter...

619
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:14,676
- Why am I listening to shit radio?
- That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.

620
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,428
He's broadcasting from the siege.

621
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,014
Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait.

622
00:34:19,223 --> 00:34:21,933
Can you gently remind Pat
that we had an agreement?

623
00:34:22,101 --> 00:34:24,061
You are there to
communicate with us.

624
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:27,731
Listen, I don't know what it says
in your police operation manual...

625
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,609
...or in Psycho-babble Weekly.
- Penguin Book of Sieges.

626
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:32,736
...or The Penguin Book of Sieges,

627
00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:35,989
...but out here in the field,
it's plenty different.

628
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:41,203
I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe
to grind, and he say, "No speaky. "

629
00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:44,372
I would really like to establish
a dialogue here, Alan.

630
00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:47,709
A simple tri-lateral exchange,
from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.

631
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,837
- Do you understand?
- No more interruptions or else!

632
00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:53,673
You think I don't have balls?
I've got plenty of balls!

633
00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:56,301
I've got balls coming out of my arse!

634
00:34:58,429 --> 00:35:00,847
- Er... did you hear that?
- Yes.

635
00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:04,267
Well, that's...
that's the end of the call. B'ye.

636
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,188
You are listening to
North Norfolk Digital.

637
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:10,857
Shape.

638
00:35:11,025 --> 00:35:12,734
The Way You Want It To Be.

639
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,278
# Shape: The way you want it to be

640
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:18,156
- Where are all my jingles?
- Jason wanted them deleted.

641
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:20,492
- He won't have deleted them all.
- He did delete them all.

642
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:22,452
- He did delete them all, Pat.
- What?

643
00:35:22,620 --> 00:35:25,205
- It was jingle genocide.
- That's not helping, Simon.

644
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:28,291
The bastard. Alan, take over for me.

645
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,545
- No.
- I'm gonna straighten him out.

646
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,465
Oh, and... keep it light.

647
00:35:36,175 --> 00:35:38,135
Right, um... OK.

648
00:35:38,302 --> 00:35:40,720
You're listening to the
Pat and Alan Show.

649
00:35:41,055 --> 00:35:43,181
- Mainly Pat.
- You, Jason. Yeah, you.

650
00:35:43,349 --> 00:35:46,017
We'll be asking... w-what time...

651
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:52,899
...does mike paper
slider switch to... to...

652
00:35:53,067 --> 00:35:56,903
to mouse his chocolate cups?

653
00:35:57,071 --> 00:35:59,281
- It doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make sense

654
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:04,244
but if you can rearrange to make
sense then you could win... bins...

655
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,329
and win...

656
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:07,497
...and windows.

657
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:10,876
- Alan, help me!
- So that's our win a bin and window,

658
00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:13,837
re-arrange the sentence,
keep it light, competition.

659
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,506
Oh, shit.

660
00:36:16,757 --> 00:36:19,134
This is the theme from Ski Sunday.

661
00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:20,844
Sorry for swearing.

662
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,096
# Theme tune

663
00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:29,269
I've put up with shits like
you for most of my life...

664
00:36:38,362 --> 00:36:39,654
One hour.

665
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:44,075
And if that jingle isn't word
for word what I just said,

666
00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:48,705
I am going to shoot you in the feet,
then the knees, then the hands.

667
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:53,210
And basically anything you've
got two of, like your face.

668
00:36:54,253 --> 00:36:56,171
Oh, yeah. Two-faced.

669
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,381
One hour.

670
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:05,847
One hour? This is impossible.
I'm gonna fucking die.

671
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,766
What are we gonna do?

672
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:09,893
You can't do a top-quality
jingle in an hour.

673
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:13,063
We can do this.
Let me tell you a story, um...

674
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:16,608
Back in the day, I was MC-ing a conference
for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.

675
00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,319
Some of the marketing guys
were doing karaoke.

676
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:22,155
I didn't join in,
I tended to shun Japanese culture.

677
00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,658
This was the mid-90s,
it was more acceptable.

678
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:27,911
But high on a cocktail of champagne
and cheap Fosters lager,

679
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:29,996
I lunged at the microphone.

680
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:32,415
A few minutes later,
I was making grown men cry

681
00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:35,543
with my rendition of Summer Of '69
by Bryan Adams.

682
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,588
Thing is, I twisted the lyrics
to the Summer Of '29,

683
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:42,092
evoking memories of the Wall Street Crash
and German hyperinflation.

684
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,096
- Remember, these guys were in sales.
- Alan, where are you going with this?

685
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,598
The point is, he didn't think
he was any good at singing,

686
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:50,600
and it turns out he was quite good.

687
00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:53,061
- Yeah, that.
- And that if you really, really try

688
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,688
- you can do anything.
- And that.

689
00:37:54,855 --> 00:37:57,399
I don't care!
I'm going to fucking die!

690
00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:01,027
Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head,
shoulders, knees and toes.

691
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:04,322
- Knees and toes.
- OK, man up, musos.

692
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:06,992
- I played synth in a jazz funk band.
- Great, who else?

693
00:38:07,159 --> 00:38:09,119
I used to be the
drummer in Marillion.

694
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,371
Really?
There's no time for that.

695
00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:14,124
- But wow and great.
- What are you gonna do first?

696
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:20,380
I'm gonna lay down a rhythm track.

697
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,307
Oh.

698
00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:32,142
Lynn Benfield?

699
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,145
- I am she.
- Do you know Mr Alan Partridge?

700
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,688
OK.

701
00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,565
He wasn't stealing crisps.

702
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,026
He just gets flustered at
self-service checkouts

703
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:43,820
- and takes things without scanning them.
- Miss Benfield...

704
00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:47,907
He doesn't like being told to put things
in bagging areas by automated women.

705
00:38:48,075 --> 00:38:50,660
No, Miss Benfield,
we're here because Mr Partridge is

706
00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,662
currently involved
in an armed siege.

707
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,749
- Oh. - We're informing
you as his next of kin.

708
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,170
Take me to him.

709
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,592
# Pat Farrell had a
loyal following in

710
00:39:06,093 --> 00:39:08,511
# The local community

711
00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:11,639
# But Goredale Media
fucked him over

712
00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:14,893
# Cos they don't
care about loyalty

713
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,104
# The only things they
give a shit about

714
00:39:18,272 --> 00:39:20,940
# Is the profit margins

715
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,194
# And if they don't re-instate him

716
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,197
# He'll take it out
on the hostages

717
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,783
# Even the ones with kids

718
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:32,911
# Better get yourself
some body bags

719
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,041
That was beautiful.

720
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,418
- Could you make me some more?
- Ooh. Er...

721
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:43,254
- Definitely!
- Yes, maybe.

722
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,553
Local folk trio Will'o-the-wisp
won't be coming in now.

723
00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:54,349
Apparently, there are road closures
in Norwich due to a major police...

724
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,935
Thanks for waiting,
Miss Benfield.

725
00:39:57,103 --> 00:40:00,146
We're speaking to anyone who can
help us build a picture of Pat Farrell.

726
00:40:00,314 --> 00:40:01,898
- You said you know him?
- Ah, well...

727
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,609
I made three cakes for
him over the last year.

728
00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:07,695
But there was nothing in them
that would have led him to do this.

729
00:40:07,863 --> 00:40:11,032
- They were very plain. - That's not
one of our lines of investigation.

730
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,243
Just tell us what
you know about Pat.

731
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,037
Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair.

732
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:20,166
He's a strong man, with strong arms
and a good walk. Moves well.

733
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,752
- That's very helpful, Lynn.
- Oh.

734
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:24,921
- Thank you.
- Now, how about some coffee?

735
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,048
Oh, of course.
How do you take it?

736
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,427
No, no, we'll get it for you.
Just sit there, I'll be back.

737
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,262
Oh...

738
00:40:38,310 --> 00:40:40,478
I hate all this shit.
Telling us how to speak.

739
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:43,106
They think they're giving us
an identity but they're...

740
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:44,858
Turning us into nobodies.

741
00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:47,152
We're just unit-shifters
for the money men.

742
00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:49,195
Sounds quite good.

743
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:56,911
Alan, did you ever imagine
what life would be like in your 50s?

744
00:40:57,204 --> 00:40:59,873
I had hopes and dreams.
I think we all did.

745
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:02,625
Penny for them.

746
00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:05,211
Keep the penny,
you've got a gun.

747
00:41:05,379 --> 00:41:08,965
But, yeah, I used to dream that one day
I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover

748
00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,967
towing a speed boat.

749
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,304
I used to dream about growing old
with someone I love.

750
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,973
Hm. Both valid.

751
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,225
It's not gonna happen now, is it?

752
00:41:24,815 --> 00:41:26,858
I miss my Molly so much.

753
00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:32,989
- Who's this chap?
- That's Molly.

754
00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,366
Yes, of course.

755
00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,622
She's got such... brown hair.

756
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:46,878
A year after that was taken,
the angels took her.

757
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,549
Must have been a few of them.

758
00:41:51,717 --> 00:41:54,636
Now I've nobody. No wife.

759
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,430
No family. No kids.

760
00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:04,729
I've gotta say, Pat,
kids don't make you happy.

761
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:08,149
Some of the unhappiest times of my life
have been with my kids.

762
00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:10,360
I remember...

763
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,404
a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn.

764
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:18,284
The kids came over to me and said,
"Papa, Papa! Follow me,"

765
00:42:18,452 --> 00:42:20,537
and... you know...

766
00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:23,915
I followed them about 200 yards
across the sand dunes.

767
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:28,002
When I got there, finally,
all they'd done was dug a big hole.

768
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,381
Miserable.

769
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,594
Sounds lovely.

770
00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:47,272
# And the Wichita lineman

771
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:54,279
# Is still on the line

772
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,037
Go-o-o-od morning!

773
00:43:03,205 --> 00:43:05,123
Crayfish!

774
00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:08,418
I feel absolutely great.

775
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:11,713
There's a lot to be said for a
good sleep and a hot shower.

776
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:13,798
Yeah.

777
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,676
Sleep well, Alan?

778
00:43:17,219 --> 00:43:19,304
Er... yes, thank you.

779
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,557
As the Shape siege enters
its first morning,

780
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,267
police are refusing to confirm

781
00:43:24,476 --> 00:43:26,561
the number or identities
of the hostages

782
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,396
still being held at gunpoint

783
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:30,398
by sacked DJ, Pat Farrell.

784
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:32,191
Fellow DJ Alan Partridge

785
00:43:32,359 --> 00:43:33,735
is in contact with the police

786
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:36,195
who are now set up at
the school behind me.

787
00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:38,364
What would you like
us to play, Iris?

788
00:43:38,532 --> 00:43:40,158
Always On My Mind
by Willie Nelson.

789
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,409
Aw.

790
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:45,204
I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately
that's not in the system.

791
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:48,041
We are only allowed
play-approved tracks.

792
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:51,544
But, Pat, you've got a gun.
You can play whatever you like.

793
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:54,255
Leave it with me
and I'll see what I can do, OK?

794
00:43:55,382 --> 00:43:57,800
Remember we used to choose
our own records?

795
00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:02,055
Yeah. Or put on a compilation album
if you were tired or couldn't be bothered.

796
00:44:02,222 --> 00:44:04,057
Yeah.

797
00:44:04,224 --> 00:44:06,184
You like country music, Alan?

798
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,977
Can't say I do, Pat.

799
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,648
It's just jilted spouses
complaining whilst drunk.

800
00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:14,150
Also known as a date,
if you're over 40.

801
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:16,944
When a listener asks for a song
and I don't have it,

802
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:19,197
I feel like I've let them down.

803
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,367
And Willie Nelson was
Molly's favourite too.

804
00:44:22,534 --> 00:44:25,953
And Always On My Mind
was her favourite song.

805
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,882
Do you remember that?
The old road show bus.

806
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,301
Remember it? I took my
family camping in that.

807
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,428
- Yeah?
- That was a tough nine days.

808
00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:45,431
You see, this bus brought
joy to hundreds.

809
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,100
I wonder where it is now.

810
00:44:47,267 --> 00:44:50,019
Probably impounded
after it crushed those scouts.

811
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:52,063
No, no, it's in the basement.

812
00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:53,272
- Oh?
- Yeah.

813
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,400
- Did not know that.
- I used... Oh!

814
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:58,361
- Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?
- Sure.

815
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:12,083
- Give me the gun, Alan.
- Yeah.

816
00:45:14,586 --> 00:45:17,213
- The gun, Alan.
- I was looking at my clothes before.

817
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:20,550
Some people call it gear, don't they?
Others call it an outfit.

818
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,593
But I call it clobber!

819
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:25,680
Jesus!

820
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,432
Alan! Alan!

821
00:45:27,641 --> 00:45:29,559
Alan! Alan, give me the gun!

822
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:32,061
- Armed police, stay where you are!
- Give me the gun.

823
00:45:32,229 --> 00:45:33,479
Drop the weapon!

824
00:45:36,483 --> 00:45:37,525
Alan!

825
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:39,986
Alan, open the door.

826
00:45:40,195 --> 00:45:43,281
I'm just trying to find
some way to escape.

827
00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:44,490
Alan! Alan!

828
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:48,828
Ayatollah!

829
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:53,666
He's got a shooter.

830
00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:58,546
Aargh!

831
00:46:01,717 --> 00:46:03,760
- You all right, Alan?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

832
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:05,428
Cuddle me, cop!

833
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,263
Argh!

834
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:09,056
Target down.

835
00:46:09,224 --> 00:46:10,975
Yours, I believe.

836
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,728
You probably thought I was gay
when I gave you that cuddle.

837
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,271
Don't worry, I'm not.

838
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,940
- You're really cool, Alan.
- Yeah, we think you're cool.

839
00:46:18,108 --> 00:46:20,860
Thank you. Sorry, who are you?

840
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:23,863
Jason Statham.

841
00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:25,281
Jason Bourne.

842
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,533
Jason Argonaut.

843
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,578
- Jason Argonaut?
- Mm.

844
00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,331
- It's Jason and the Argonauts.
- Yes.

845
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:34,665
Are you all right?

846
00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:38,795
You just said, "clobber" and then
"Jason and the Argonauts".

847
00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:41,923
- Oh, sorry.
- All right.

848
00:46:42,090 --> 00:46:44,175
- We go?
- Yeah.

849
00:46:44,968 --> 00:46:47,178
Oh, er... by the way,
thanks for not taking the gun.

850
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:48,763
Oh... that's fine.

851
00:46:49,097 --> 00:46:51,933
You're listening to Pat Farrell.
This is Willie Nelson,

852
00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:54,143
Always On My Mind.

853
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,605
For someone who's always on my mind,
my late wife Molly.

854
00:46:58,023 --> 00:47:01,108
# Maybe I didn't love you

855
00:47:04,446 --> 00:47:07,490
# Quite as often as I could have

856
00:47:11,119 --> 00:47:14,831
# Maybe I didn't treat you...

857
00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:21,003
- Does that man look 59 to you?
- I didn't look.

858
00:47:21,171 --> 00:47:24,340
- I just put his name into Google Images.
- This is Pat Farrell.

859
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,302
That is a Pat Farrell.
Do I have to do everything?

860
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,888
Ma'am, you better hear this.

861
00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:33,182
It's taken from the transcript
of the broadcast.

862
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:35,309
0100 hours. "Partridge:

863
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:38,563
I wish this was abroad because it would
make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.

864
00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:40,189
Farrell: What's Banged Up Abroad?

865
00:47:40,357 --> 00:47:43,484
- You don't know Banged
Up Abroad? -No.

866
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,570
Everyone knows
Banged Up Abroad.

867
00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:47,989
I don't.
What is Banged Up Abroad?

868
00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:50,658
You seriously don't know
Banged Up Abroad?

869
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,034
You have to be shitting me.

870
00:47:52,202 --> 00:47:53,786
I've never even heard of... "

871
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:57,290
Just get to the bit where they stop
saying Banged Up Abroad.

872
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,171
"Side-kick Simon: I once banged up a broad.

873
00:48:04,339 --> 00:48:07,466
That's the best you've got,
even with a gun to your head?"

874
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,969
He's got a gun to his head.

875
00:48:10,637 --> 00:48:13,681
I remember once coming to in a
skip in the middle of the afternoon

876
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:15,474
with my underpants in my mouth.

877
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,519
And then I realised:
"Oh, these are not my pants!"

878
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:22,857
Oh, I can laugh about it now
but, you know, back then...

879
00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:26,360
Sssh, ssh. What's that?

880
00:48:27,446 --> 00:48:29,655
Move into position, over.

881
00:48:30,115 --> 00:48:32,033
It's the police.

882
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,369
If you like canapés that are on the turn,
we've hit the motherload.

883
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,165
Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure.
Whatever happened to circles?

884
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,709
I mean I've heard of a square meal
but that's ridiculous.

885
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,920
I was just saying
I've heard of a square meal.

886
00:48:44,087 --> 00:48:45,588
Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.

887
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:46,881
OK.

888
00:48:47,090 --> 00:48:49,175
- We think it's the police.
- Wait.

889
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,803
- That definitely came from in there.
- That's just a cupboard.

890
00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:54,680
- It's not even an outside wall.
- Careful.

891
00:48:54,848 --> 00:48:57,224
- No, Jason...
- I'll protect you.

892
00:48:57,434 --> 00:49:00,978
It's not an outside wall.
Look, I'll show you. Look.

893
00:49:03,148 --> 00:49:04,982
- Michael?
- Aye, aye, Mister Partridge.

894
00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:06,567
What are you hiding in there for?

895
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,862
I found myself a place of concealment,
like when I was on manoeuvres.

896
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,865
Take your light off.
You're blinding everyone you speak to.

897
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,492
- Now it's flashing.
- Sorry.

898
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:19,246
Michael. You look like some sort of
big Geordie Anne Frank.

899
00:49:19,456 --> 00:49:21,582
- How long have you been here?
- All night.

900
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,292
- What did you eat?
- I had me lunch box.

901
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,127
- Where did you go to the toilet?
- No.

902
00:49:25,295 --> 00:49:27,171
I had me lunch box.

903
00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,715
Thank God it's got a smoky finish
with an airtight seal.

904
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,759
I tell you what.
It seals in the freshness.

905
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,095
No, Michael.
It seals out the freshness.

906
00:49:34,262 --> 00:49:35,805
What is going on in here?

907
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:38,224
Michael's just visiting us
from the cupboard.

908
00:49:38,392 --> 00:49:39,600
No need to get shouty-shouty.

909
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,061
Did those Goredale bastards
put you up to this?

910
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,897
- No. - No, no. I've been
in here a few nights.

911
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,774
- No, one night.
- No, a few nights.

912
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,776
A few nights this week
and the week before.

913
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:51,028
- Why? - Me brother wanted
the bed to himself.

914
00:49:51,196 --> 00:49:53,114
Ah, yes. Michael suffers
from night terrors.

915
00:49:53,281 --> 00:49:54,865
He thrashes about like a big salmon.

916
00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:56,367
What's in the box?

917
00:49:57,202 --> 00:50:00,121
Er... Michael...
Michael let himself down.

918
00:50:03,166 --> 00:50:05,459
I'm really sorry.
I done a shit in the box.

919
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,713
Well, get rid of it.
Throw it out the window.

920
00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:13,759
Fall back! Fall back!

921
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,847
Armed police!

922
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,849
- Identify yourself!
- Identify yourself!

923
00:50:20,058 --> 00:50:23,060
Alan Partridge.
Who the f... Alan Partridge!

924
00:50:23,228 --> 00:50:25,771
You know who I am.
I haven't been off the TV that long.

925
00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:29,066
- "Identify yourself. "
- Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.

926
00:50:29,234 --> 00:50:31,485
Yeah, tell them to stop
pointing their guns at me.

927
00:50:31,653 --> 00:50:34,655
- Lower your weapons.
- Yeah, lower your weapons.

928
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:39,118
Take your hand off your gun.
Take your hand off your gun.

929
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,662
And the other hand.
I can wait here all day.

930
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,372
Do as he says.

931
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:46,125
Thank you. Why do you have
to turn it into a competition?

932
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,502
Just because I won. OK.

933
00:50:48,670 --> 00:50:50,337
OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.

934
00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:52,339
I told you I've got a
very sensitive tummy.

935
00:50:52,507 --> 00:50:53,674
Who are you talking to, Alan?

936
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:55,885
I've got Pat on the end
of the line in both senses.

937
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,763
I'm tethered to the building via this rope
and relaying messages

938
00:50:58,930 --> 00:51:02,224
from Pat via this state-of-the-art
Sennheiser 1,000 head set.

939
00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:04,435
Nice bit of kit.
Yeah, I'm telling them that now.

940
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:06,645
If you'd listened,
you'd know I'm telling them.

941
00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:10,316
- Pat says "Hi".
- Hi, Pat.

942
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,568
And hi to your fellow officers.

943
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:15,154
Hi. Hi, Pat.

944
00:51:15,363 --> 00:51:19,450
Alan, listen. Pat works with us here,
this can all end well. OK?

945
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,160
- I give him my word.
- OK, just... Yep.

946
00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:23,454
OK. Pat, you've got to...
you're rambling.

947
00:51:23,663 --> 00:51:26,707
You've got to be more concise.
What do you want? "I want a helicopter. "

948
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,001
That's just an example,
by the way.

949
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:31,879
Yeah, OK.
He wants a helicopter.

950
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,215
That might not be possible, Alan.

951
00:51:34,382 --> 00:51:37,051
But let's dialogue.
What else can we do for him?

952
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:47,061
Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs.
What the hell's going on?"

953
00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:50,189
Pat, listen to me.
That was not an attack, OK?

954
00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:53,818
We just had to dispose of a box
around the corner in a controlled manner.

955
00:51:54,027 --> 00:51:56,195
Pat would prefer it if you
spoke through me, as would I.

956
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,824
Martin says they deployed
a remote RV fitted with a disruptor

957
00:51:59,991 --> 00:52:02,289
to neutralise a suspected IED.

958
00:52:02,681 --> 00:52:05,184
He doesn't know what you're
talking about. He's quite angry.

959
00:52:05,524 --> 00:52:07,248
He's honking in my ear
like a mad Irish goose.

960
00:52:07,415 --> 00:52:09,291
- Aha!
- We love you, Alan!

961
00:52:09,459 --> 00:52:11,919
Um... do you mind?
It's not a radio road show.

962
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,506
- I'm trying to host a siege here.
- We love you, Alan!

963
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,217
Get away. Who said that?

964
00:52:18,593 --> 00:52:19,802
What's it like in there?

965
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,848
Ah... scary, stressful,
lots of shouting.

966
00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:27,101
A bit like being married again.

967
00:52:27,602 --> 00:52:30,020
And there's a crazy person
running around with a gun.

968
00:52:30,188 --> 00:52:33,107
So it's a lot like being
married again.

969
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:38,696
And er... when I saw a guy with a shotgun
in his mouth begging for mercy then...

970
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:40,948
You're ahead of me.

971
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:42,575
You're ahead of me.
A lot of you are.

972
00:52:42,742 --> 00:52:45,536
He's still got his hand on his gun.
He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.

973
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:47,955
- I'm looking at you.
Peripheral vision. - Alan.

974
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,457
I'm not retreating,
Pat's tugging me off.

975
00:52:50,625 --> 00:52:51,834
No, come on.

976
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,628
- We're better than that. Guys, seriously.
- Alan, wait!

977
00:52:54,796 --> 00:52:57,631
By the way, there's an extra hostage.
Meant to tell you that.

978
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:04,597
In a surprise development,
DJ Alan Partridge

979
00:53:04,764 --> 00:53:07,892
appeared outside the building,
while tethered to a rope.

980
00:53:08,101 --> 00:53:12,146
Footage of his address is already
one of the most viewed YouTube videos

981
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:14,440
since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".

982
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,525
Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page

983
00:53:16,693 --> 00:53:19,236
lists one of his interests
as hand-to-hand combat,

984
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:23,824
has been acting as mediator between police
and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.

985
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:27,786
As people around the world ask,
who is Alan Partridge?

986
00:53:28,997 --> 00:53:31,248
That was a majestic voice.

987
00:53:32,165 --> 00:53:33,401
You can keep Jesus.

988
00:53:33,770 --> 00:53:37,392
As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond
will always be King of the Jews.

989
00:53:37,427 --> 00:53:38,255
You are listening to...

990
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:41,133
...the partridge and the poacher.

991
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:46,847
And, what I believe is a world first,
I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,

992
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:50,601
broadcasting live from
a siege at gunpoint.

993
00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:51,852
Pure class, Alan.

994
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:56,148
And today, we'll be asking,
what was better in the olden days?

995
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,567
OK, Pat, shoot.
I mean, you know, start speaking.

996
00:53:58,735 --> 00:54:00,152
- Terry in Necton.
- Egypt.

997
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,696
- I'm liking this.
- They used to build the pyramids,

998
00:54:02,864 --> 00:54:04,740
now they can't get you
a taxi to the airport.

999
00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:06,992
Terry, I like the way you think.
Please call again.

1000
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,786
- Will do.
- Nicholas in Weybourne.

1001
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,205
- Nurses were better in the old days.
- Bull's-eye.

1002
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,291
They used to be these Florence
Nightingale type figures.

1003
00:54:14,459 --> 00:54:17,253
These days it's just, you know,
short-haired women in trousers

1004
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:19,004
washing their own hands at a sink.

1005
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:22,466
Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable
has the greatest torsional strength -

1006
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,803
ie, which can withstand the greatest
twisting load before rupture?

1007
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,306
- Caroline in Sprowston.
- Beards were better in the olden days.

1008
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,808
- Love it.
- Sebastian in Holt.

1009
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,935
- UK manufacturing.
- Good. Good, but dull.

1010
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,979
- Paul in East Runton.
- Kill 'em all, Pat.

1011
00:54:35,146 --> 00:54:36,480
Shoot the women first.

1012
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:41,318
We'll also be asking, have you ever met
a genuinely clever bus driver?

1013
00:54:41,486 --> 00:54:43,654
I wonder what the listening
figures are for this.

1014
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,906
Yeah. Can you stop drumming?

1015
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,242
OK. Time for fact of the day.

1016
00:54:48,451 --> 00:54:51,203
Fact of the day.
Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.

1017
00:54:52,789 --> 00:54:55,708
- Cows don't have hymens.
- Absolutely correct.

1018
00:54:55,875 --> 00:54:58,460
Cows do not have hymens,
just a partially opened cervix.

1019
00:54:58,628 --> 00:55:00,129
The time is 10:22.

1020
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:03,882
Right now, to your muster stations.
It's Bryan Ferry.

1021
00:55:06,261 --> 00:55:08,429
Ah... that was... that was er...

1022
00:55:08,596 --> 00:55:10,389
- Very good.
- Yeah. Radio gravy.

1023
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:11,890
Wow.

1024
00:55:12,058 --> 00:55:14,727
I suppose you forget about the
gun after a while, don't you?

1025
00:55:14,894 --> 00:55:17,104
- No, I don't.
- OK.

1026
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:18,939
Good.

1027
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:29,033
Lynn! Lynn Benfield,
can we have a word?

1028
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,618
Oh, Alan doesn't like me
speaking to the press.

1029
00:55:31,786 --> 00:55:34,830
- We're not press. We're television.
- Well, I'm... I'm not really...

1030
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,832
We've got hair and make-up.

1031
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:39,209
Oh!

1032
00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:43,213
Back now to Norwich where
DJ Alan Partridge

1033
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:46,383
- continues to bring news of the radio...
- Ah, Angela?

1034
00:55:46,551 --> 00:55:49,011
- Someone wants a word with you.
- Who?

1035
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,721
Him.

1036
00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:53,307
Tensions on the Korean
peninsula continue...

1037
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:55,601
- Why?
- ... following Kim Jong - il...

1038
00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,227
Oh... shit.

1039
00:55:57,395 --> 00:56:00,439
...Vegas, I was doing kind of...

1040
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,066
...for anyone's price range...

1041
00:56:06,279 --> 00:56:07,821
...mounting tensions in North...

1042
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,879
...erectile dysfunction...

1043
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,718
- Inside, Partridge seems unfazed...
- Ah, him.

1044
00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:31,887
- Me on TV. Good photo.
- He tried instead

1045
00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:34,765
to calm the gunman by
joining him in the studio.

1046
00:56:35,308 --> 00:56:37,643
Yes, just your basic disabled loo.

1047
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:42,231
You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad,
high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.

1048
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,149
Alan, calm down.
You're being all hectic.

1049
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:47,611
This is because you're on TV, isn't it?
You're all puffed up like a robin.

1050
00:56:48,696 --> 00:56:50,114
It's like you can see in me.

1051
00:56:50,281 --> 00:56:54,284
Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk
about disabled toilet facilities, did you?

1052
00:56:54,452 --> 00:56:56,745
Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.

1053
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:03,127
Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic.

1054
00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:08,674
Good gracious.

1055
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,431
I'm sorry about the nasal whistle.
It's when I'm anxious.

1056
00:57:31,614 --> 00:57:35,742
You know... You know,
"Shape - the way you want it to be"?

1057
00:57:35,910 --> 00:57:38,287
- Yeah?
- Your shape's the way I want it to be.

1058
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,038
I'm on about your body.

1059
00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:47,171
- What might this be?
- That... is my damned todger.

1060
00:57:47,797 --> 00:57:51,925
And it's all the fault of a
certain Miss Angela...

1061
00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:54,470
I'm sorry, I don't know
your second name.

1062
00:57:54,637 --> 00:57:58,265
He's very brave.
He was once feeding ducks in the park.

1063
00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:00,559
One took a peck at him
and instead of retreating,

1064
00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:02,978
he hit it with the back of his hand.

1065
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:06,565
- DJ Alan Partridge...
- Hi. You got time for a quick wah-wah?

1066
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,026
- What?
- Quick wah-wah.

1067
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,695
- Oh, you mean "wa-wa"?
- Yeah. Yeah.

1068
00:58:11,863 --> 00:58:14,072
- Sorry. You just did a different noise.
- Sorry.

1069
00:58:14,240 --> 00:58:18,035
Look... how are you feeling about
this whole media circus? How you feeling?

1070
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:19,953
Between you and me,
pretty puffed up.

1071
00:58:20,121 --> 00:58:22,915
- Like an owl.
- Let's hope you're a wise one.

1072
00:58:23,082 --> 00:58:26,126
Nice. I pitched it up,
you knocked it out of the park.

1073
00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:28,128
Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians.

1074
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:29,546
Let me tell you something, Alan.

1075
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:34,134
As far as the press is concerned,
you are the face of this siege.

1076
00:58:35,261 --> 00:58:37,179
- I am siege face.
- Exactly.

1077
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:40,516
After this, you'll get more offers
than a whore at our Christmas party.

1078
00:58:42,685 --> 00:58:44,895
I like that. Yeah, I like that.

1079
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,855
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1080
00:58:47,023 --> 00:58:49,191
You'd know a thing or two about that,
wouldn't you?

1081
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,569
That would be... "Mm-hm. Hmm," he says.
That's a moustache.

1082
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,279
Seriously, did you give her one?

1083
00:58:54,447 --> 00:58:58,033
Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss
she won't forget in a hurry.

1084
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:01,161
Hand on the outside of the bra.
Er... you know, reconnaissance.

1085
00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:05,406
And then I just held her
in my arms because

1086
00:59:05,668 --> 00:59:08,103
told me she never knew
her mother, and I said,

1087
00:59:08,556 --> 00:59:10,504
"Well, my mother raised me
and lived to a ripe old age.

1088
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:13,632
But guess what?
I never really knew her. "

1089
00:59:14,592 --> 00:59:17,261
Erm... and...

1090
00:59:17,428 --> 00:59:19,596
To get back on track, erm...

1091
00:59:19,806 --> 00:59:21,682
Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo!

1092
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,685
- I like you.
- I like you.

1093
00:59:24,852 --> 00:59:26,895
He likes me, Lynn.
Jason Tresswell likes me.

1094
00:59:27,063 --> 00:59:28,730
- Alan? Are you OK?
- I've got to be quick.

1095
00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:31,191
Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone
to play Angry Birds.

1096
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,027
- Of course. What is it?
- A computerised bird-throwing game.

1097
00:59:34,195 --> 00:59:36,363
- No, I meant...
- I'm joking, Lynn.

1098
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,407
Enjoy me. Everyone else is.

1099
00:59:38,616 --> 00:59:41,159
Goredale Media think
I'm some sort of Christ 2.0.

1100
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:44,580
Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth
of getting the breakfast show.

1101
00:59:44,747 --> 00:59:47,207
I'll call myself the Morning Rooster,
or the Talking Cock.

1102
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,835
- You're not thinking clearly.
- Yes, I am.

1103
00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:51,837
Lynn, I'll say this once
and I'll say it again.

1104
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:55,632
My career's getting a shot in the arm
and if I can stay in here to the bitter end,

1105
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:59,636
I will be the biggest thing to come out
of Norwich since... Lord Nelson or Trisha.

1106
00:59:59,804 --> 01:00:01,346
Think about that and
what that means.

1107
01:00:01,514 --> 01:00:03,724
Your priority is the welfare
of the hostages.

1108
01:00:03,891 --> 01:00:05,892
Good - put that out as a press
release and say I said it.

1109
01:00:06,060 --> 01:00:08,186
Alan, your ego's getting
the better of you.

1110
01:00:08,354 --> 01:00:11,815
I've just got to stay alert and focused.
I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.

1111
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:14,109
How effed up is that?

1112
01:00:15,361 --> 01:00:17,404
- Alan? Alan?
- Oh...

1113
01:00:39,677 --> 01:00:42,095
Ohh! Christ's sake.

1114
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:48,226
Not now. Oh, God.

1115
01:00:49,228 --> 01:00:51,313
I'm caught on the latch.

1116
01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:06,244
Oh, come on. Please.

1117
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:19,508
Stop, armed police!
Get your hands above your head.

1118
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:22,094
- I've just got...
- Get your hands above your head!

1119
01:01:22,261 --> 01:01:24,763
- I want to get those trousers.
- Do it! Hands above your head.

1120
01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:28,350
- They're my trousers.
- Get your hands above your head now!

1121
01:01:32,313 --> 01:01:34,564
What are you doing? It's weird.

1122
01:01:36,192 --> 01:01:37,901
There are paparazzi
all over the place

1123
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,821
and I do not want them to
get a photograph of my genitals.

1124
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,493
- Oh, come on!
- That's it, look at me.

1125
01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:55,669
And how were the hostages
when you left?

1126
01:01:56,587 --> 01:01:58,964
- Crouched. - I mean,
what's their state of mind?

1127
01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:02,843
Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany.
Yeah. Is someone writing this down?

1128
01:02:03,010 --> 01:02:05,345
- Yeah. - Sorry. I thought
you were some clothes.

1129
01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,973
Thanks for the forensic trousers,
by the way.

1130
01:02:08,641 --> 01:02:10,642
- Could you just um?
- Crikey. Yeah, sorry.

1131
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,354
I was actually going to fashion a sort of
make-shift modesty sporran

1132
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,690
from the vacant arm flaps.

1133
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,239
OK, I think we're done here.

1134
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:28,326
Any chance of freshening up? I just need
to wipe my face with a big hot towel.

1135
01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:31,496
Presumably you wanna use me
as part of your media strat?

1136
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:34,791
No.

1137
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:36,334
- Do you agree?
- 100 per cent.

1138
01:02:36,502 --> 01:02:37,669
Gotcha.

1139
01:02:38,379 --> 01:02:41,923
The police said you could do media
interviews when the siege is over.

1140
01:02:42,091 --> 01:02:47,012
It will be too late then, Lynn. People
move on. Goredale Media will move on.

1141
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:49,931
But you're still
being talked about.

1142
01:02:50,099 --> 01:02:53,685
Only cos every time I look at the telly,
they're showing a picture of my arse.

1143
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,272
It's all right for you. Every other time
I look, they show a picture of your face.

1144
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,484
And then the next time -
surprise, surprise, my arse again.

1145
01:03:00,651 --> 01:03:02,486
I was only telling
people about you.

1146
01:03:02,653 --> 01:03:08,241
You know, I was Goredale's golden goose,
and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.

1147
01:03:08,409 --> 01:03:10,827
But why do you want to work
for people like that?

1148
01:03:10,995 --> 01:03:13,663
- Goredale are bullies. - Yeah.
And what do you do with a bully?

1149
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,875
You make friends with the bully
so they bully someone else.

1150
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:19,878
- "What doth it profit a man... "
- Doth?

1151
01:03:20,129 --> 01:03:24,341
"... if he gains the whole world yet
loses his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight...

1152
01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,636
Yeah, I know who wrote it.
I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn.

1153
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:32,349
I want to, if you like,
lend my soul to Goredale Media

1154
01:03:32,558 --> 01:03:34,142
on a long-term basis for cash.

1155
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:36,228
It's a very different thing.

1156
01:03:40,983 --> 01:03:42,901
I don't know how you can
look yourself in the eye.

1157
01:03:43,110 --> 01:03:44,611
I can't, Lynn.
My nose is in the way.

1158
01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,947
You can talk, prattling away
on every news bulletin.

1159
01:03:47,156 --> 01:03:49,491
I mean, who the heck
do you think you are?

1160
01:03:52,119 --> 01:03:54,621
- I'm Lynn Benfield.
- You don't look like Lynn Benfield.

1161
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:58,166
I mean, what has happened to you,
with your attitude and your hair?

1162
01:03:58,334 --> 01:04:00,085
You've literally become a big head.

1163
01:04:01,295 --> 01:04:03,713
- I like it. - I take no pleasure
in saying this, Lynn,

1164
01:04:03,923 --> 01:04:07,175
but a lot of people think it looks like a
photograph of an explosion.

1165
01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:10,554
I don't know if I want to
work for a man like you.

1166
01:04:10,721 --> 01:04:13,723
I don't know that I want to employ
someone who looks like a madam.

1167
01:04:13,891 --> 01:04:15,225
And I don't mean a Parisian one -

1168
01:04:15,434 --> 01:04:18,478
I mean, one who lives in a terraced
house behind a train station.

1169
01:04:32,451 --> 01:04:35,704
- Doors opening!
- Armed police! Armed police!

1170
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:39,040
Oh, shut up, will you?
Stop shouting.

1171
01:04:39,208 --> 01:04:42,502
- Easy, Pat. Mind the steps.
- I'm able to walk down steps, all right?

1172
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,713
He means because the
gun's against my head.

1173
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,842
- Everybody has an opinion, huh?
- Hear, hear. Well said.

1174
01:04:49,051 --> 01:04:51,094
- Oh.
- Hi, Pat.

1175
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:53,763
Hey, Alan. What happened?
We were in the middle of a show,

1176
01:04:53,931 --> 01:04:55,807
and then your arse is
all over the internet.

1177
01:04:55,975 --> 01:04:58,393
Looked like you had a turkey's head
between your legs.

1178
01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,854
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
It doesn't have a beak.

1179
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,064
And, yeah, I took an
executive decision

1180
01:05:03,232 --> 01:05:05,650
to stow my cock and balls up
against my backside.

1181
01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,153
I can't believe you left
me with this nutcase.

1182
01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:10,280
Hang on a minute,
you're the one with the gun.

1183
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:13,074
- See? He's hilarious.
- He's solid. He's solid.

1184
01:05:13,242 --> 01:05:17,621
- Pizzas coming through now, Pat.
- Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.

1185
01:05:24,670 --> 01:05:26,504
Oh, hello.

1186
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:31,426
Actually, I want Alan
to bring them in.

1187
01:05:33,763 --> 01:05:37,265
That might not be possible, Pat.
Alan's not prepared to do that.

1188
01:05:37,433 --> 01:05:39,476
No... I am prepared to do that.

1189
01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:42,187
- It's not that simple. - Do you
want me to release some people?

1190
01:05:42,396 --> 01:05:43,855
Sure. Let's talk about that.

1191
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:46,149
Alan, what do you reckon
if I let the women go?

1192
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,319
Yeah, let a couple of the women go.
Maybe keep Angela.

1193
01:05:49,904 --> 01:05:52,489
- But her kids will be worried sick.
- She's got kids?

1194
01:05:52,698 --> 01:05:55,492
Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.

1195
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:57,994
I believe they're a real handful.

1196
01:05:58,162 --> 01:06:01,122
Yeah, what was I thinking?
Let all the women go.

1197
01:06:01,290 --> 01:06:03,249
Pat, give me five minutes
with head office.

1198
01:06:03,417 --> 01:06:05,877
He's bringing them in now.
Alan, come on.

1199
01:06:06,545 --> 01:06:08,171
- Top one.
- Top one.

1200
01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:11,591
- Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one.
- OK, come on, son.

1201
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:14,719
Oh, shit.

1202
01:06:18,557 --> 01:06:20,517
Why did you say hello
to that delivery guy?

1203
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:26,439
Oh, him? No, he just reminded me of a man
I know called Mike Cable,

1204
01:06:26,607 --> 01:06:30,694
who did my accounts from '97 to '98.

1205
01:06:30,861 --> 01:06:32,612
Actually, no. '99.

1206
01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:34,990
Till he stopped because
his daughter was very ill.

1207
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:36,908
Yeah, it was touch and go, actually.

1208
01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:40,245
He and Sandra were in bits,
they had to cancel their holiday.

1209
01:06:40,871 --> 01:06:42,998
- It was a fly-drive to Tuscany.
- Hm.

1210
01:06:43,165 --> 01:06:46,793
I must tell him, actually, that there's
a policeman that looks just like him.

1211
01:06:47,169 --> 01:06:48,211
What's that?

1212
01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:51,339
Must tell Mike that there's a pizza
man who looks just like him.

1213
01:06:53,009 --> 01:06:54,676
I'm famished.

1214
01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:59,431
- Ladies, you're free to go.
- What?

1215
01:06:59,640 --> 01:07:01,808
- Yep.
- God bless you, Pat.

1216
01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,101
See you. Bye.

1217
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:05,311
I'll make you a home-made pizza
when you get out.

1218
01:07:05,479 --> 01:07:07,230
Yeah, these pizzas are pretty good.

1219
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,568
- Cinderella.
- Yeah, well...

1220
01:07:11,736 --> 01:07:14,237
No, hers was...
that was a glass one, wasn't it?

1221
01:07:16,365 --> 01:07:17,991
Here comes the Tin Man.

1222
01:07:27,543 --> 01:07:30,795
- Just trying to find your pizza.
- Well, just give me that one.

1223
01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:33,631
- Hm?
- That one.

1224
01:07:33,799 --> 01:07:35,467
- Which one?
- The top one.

1225
01:07:37,261 --> 01:07:38,887
Oh...

1226
01:07:39,096 --> 01:07:41,056
- I'll take the pizzas.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1227
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:48,104
- Woo-ho, stuffed crust!
- Thanks for coming back, Alan.

1228
01:07:50,733 --> 01:07:52,942
- What are you doing?
- I'm just seeing how you'll look

1229
01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:56,112
on the billboard for when you start
on The Breakfast Show.

1230
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:59,282
- The Breakfast Show?
- Alan, can I have a word?

1231
01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:02,619
Yeah, sure. Just bringing
the pizza cutter.

1232
01:08:03,954 --> 01:08:05,914
Right, how many do you want.
Six or eight?

1233
01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,791
Oh, my God, that's a taser!

1234
01:08:07,958 --> 01:08:11,044
This is no use, it's a pizza cutter.
And that is not a pizza.

1235
01:08:11,712 --> 01:08:14,923
Thing is, how did it get there?
Erm...

1236
01:08:15,424 --> 01:08:19,135
Unless the pizza company are running
a competition in which you win a taser.

1237
01:08:19,303 --> 01:08:22,347
That doesn't make sense, does it?
Do you realise, it's the police?

1238
01:08:22,515 --> 01:08:26,601
The ruddy po... Do you know... They've got
some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.

1239
01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,478
I'm actually really angry about that.

1240
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,730
You should keep that
as an extra weapon.

1241
01:08:30,898 --> 01:08:34,984
What kind of fool do you take me for, eh?
I'm one step ahead of all of you.

1242
01:08:35,152 --> 01:08:37,278
And I'm just a step
behind you, mate.

1243
01:08:38,030 --> 01:08:40,406
- Ooh. - Never take your
eye off the ball, Pat.

1244
01:08:40,574 --> 01:08:41,783
First rule of business.

1245
01:08:41,992 --> 01:08:44,744
Second rule of business,
always be prepared for an opportunity

1246
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,622
when it arises,
like I was just then.

1247
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:48,748
Yeah.

1248
01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:52,377
Course I wouldn't expect you to
understand that. It's Darwinian.

1249
01:08:53,170 --> 01:08:56,172
- You're a runt.
- Is that what you think, Alan?

1250
01:08:58,008 --> 01:09:00,343
I wouldn't quite, you know,
use those words.

1251
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,220
Well, I think... I think...

1252
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,556
The sort of the gist of what,
you know...

1253
01:09:04,723 --> 01:09:06,391
I just don't like bullies.

1254
01:09:07,434 --> 01:09:10,854
- Um... can I take this off, please?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

1255
01:09:11,021 --> 01:09:13,898
- No, I'm talking to him.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

1256
01:09:14,066 --> 01:09:15,775
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you.

1257
01:09:16,735 --> 01:09:18,153
Are you all right?

1258
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:21,698
Well, I was worried about the old head
but I think I've got a handle on it.

1259
01:09:22,783 --> 01:09:25,118
- Very witty.
- Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.

1260
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:30,623
He's treated this whole crisis
like a business opportunity.

1261
01:09:31,414 --> 01:09:33,447
He's taken a look around
him and he's thought,

1262
01:09:33,794 --> 01:09:36,324
"How can I make this work for me?"

1263
01:09:36,463 --> 01:09:38,298
- Well done, Alan.
- Cheers.

1264
01:09:38,465 --> 01:09:40,884
- Yeah, well done, Alan.
- Thank you.

1265
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:44,095
You know, you and me,
we've got something going here.

1266
01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:48,600
Pat might be a dinosaur, filling his show
with chit-chat and phone-ins like it's 1983,

1267
01:09:48,809 --> 01:09:49,893
but you're one of us.

1268
01:09:50,060 --> 01:09:53,062
You know radio's just business.
You'll do well out of this.

1269
01:09:53,230 --> 01:09:55,899
And er... I'll get you a glamorous
assistant with big tits

1270
01:09:56,108 --> 01:09:59,527
to take over from that frumpy old
cow you've got at the moment.

1271
01:09:59,695 --> 01:10:01,404
You know, Mrs fucking Doubtfire.

1272
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,535
Danny, er... Jason gave me
your breakfast show.

1273
01:10:08,579 --> 01:10:10,205
- Yeah.
- Is that true?

1274
01:10:10,372 --> 01:10:12,040
- Well...
- Twat.

1275
01:10:14,501 --> 01:10:16,044
Oh, my God.

1276
01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,837
Go! Go! Go!

1277
01:10:19,924 --> 01:10:21,841
Armed police!

1278
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,427
Armed police!
Everybody stay down!

1279
01:10:24,595 --> 01:10:28,181
- Stay down! Don't move! Don't move!
- Have you got any scissors?

1280
01:10:28,390 --> 01:10:29,974
Have you got any scissors?

1281
01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:32,143
Armed police! Armed police!

1282
01:10:32,311 --> 01:10:34,979
Studio's empty. Where's Farrell?
Where's Partridge?

1283
01:10:40,277 --> 01:10:43,363
# Roll out the barrel...

1284
01:10:48,244 --> 01:10:50,787
Get into position,
get in front of that bus!

1285
01:10:51,580 --> 01:10:55,667
We got three on a bus. Three on a bus.
I want a green light on a sniper now.

1286
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,461
This cannot be happening.

1287
01:10:59,004 --> 01:11:01,422
Jeez, Alan. Look at this.
Quite alarming, isn't it?

1288
01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,925
Er... I think... I think we'll be fine.

1289
01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:07,303
Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted
to stick it to Goredale one more time.

1290
01:11:07,471 --> 01:11:10,056
I don't mind in the slightest, Pat.
Goredale are tits.

1291
01:11:10,933 --> 01:11:15,395
Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae
insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.

1292
01:11:15,562 --> 01:11:17,981
What are you going to
do about it this time?

1293
01:11:20,442 --> 01:11:22,819
- Start the car! Start the car!
- Let's go!

1294
01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:31,160
Right, let's give them some stick.

1295
01:11:31,328 --> 01:11:33,579
You're listening to Pat and Alan

1296
01:11:33,747 --> 01:11:36,082
with a message for the Goredale Medias
of this world.

1297
01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:40,712
If you think you can take real DJs
and turn them into radio robots,

1298
01:11:40,879 --> 01:11:43,256
think again - because we're
gonna get up in your face.

1299
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:44,340
Great.

1300
01:11:44,508 --> 01:11:48,511
With a big fat slice of road show radio
right here, right now.

1301
01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,263
The time is 1:27.

1302
01:11:50,431 --> 01:11:52,140
This is John Farnham
and The Voice.

1303
01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:05,737
Today we're asking, why do people
keep their eggs in the fridge?

1304
01:12:05,904 --> 01:12:09,449
Once again, why do people insist
on keeping their eggs in the fridge?

1305
01:12:09,616 --> 01:12:13,786
And can a binman reasonably expect
a Christmas tip

1306
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:17,623
when he has point-blank refused
to dispose of a broken toaster?

1307
01:12:17,791 --> 01:12:20,752
- Good question!
- And that can be today's large question.

1308
01:12:20,919 --> 01:12:23,880
Large question.

1309
01:12:24,840 --> 01:12:29,802
Oh, and we have some travel news.
There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.

1310
01:12:29,970 --> 01:12:32,513
That'll be due to wacky blokes
on a big yellow bus.

1311
01:12:34,516 --> 01:12:37,226
It's competition time,
and we're playing pairs.

1312
01:12:37,394 --> 01:12:39,103
- Sid on line two. Black and...
- Decker.

1313
01:12:39,271 --> 01:12:40,355
- Spick and...
- Span.

1314
01:12:40,522 --> 01:12:41,522
- Hall and...
- Oates.

1315
01:12:41,690 --> 01:12:42,732
- Egg and...
- Bacon.

1316
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,275
Oh, it was gammon!

1317
01:12:44,443 --> 01:12:46,486
Can I just say,
I think Goredale are awful.

1318
01:12:46,653 --> 01:12:47,820
Yeah, they are bastards.

1319
01:12:47,988 --> 01:12:50,656
That's why I've washed my hands of them.
You know what I say?

1320
01:12:50,824 --> 01:12:52,117
I always say,

1321
01:12:52,444 --> 01:12:57,717
"What doth it profit a man if he gain
the whole world yet lose his soul?"

1322
01:12:57,915 --> 01:13:00,291
And people seem to like that.
They really do.

1323
01:13:06,256 --> 01:13:08,758
# You're the voice, try and understand it

1324
01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:11,552
# Make a noise and make it clear

1325
01:13:11,720 --> 01:13:13,846
# Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh

1326
01:13:14,014 --> 01:13:17,266
# Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!

1327
01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:22,814
# We're not gonna sit in silence
We're not gonna live with fear

1328
01:13:22,981 --> 01:13:25,108
# Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh

1329
01:13:25,692 --> 01:13:27,527
It looks like you've touched a nerve, Pat.

1330
01:13:27,694 --> 01:13:30,988
These are my listeners, Alan,
ordinary working people.

1331
01:13:31,198 --> 01:13:34,992
They're not working, it's the middle
of the day. Unless they're on flexi-time.

1332
01:13:35,702 --> 01:13:38,788
Oh, look. I used to live in
one of those after my divorce.

1333
01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,499
TV, kitchen - very nice.

1334
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,336
Hey, people, I'm looking at
a picture of Goredale Media.

1335
01:13:45,504 --> 01:13:48,089
Honestly, look at that bunch
of corporate mercenaries.

1336
01:13:48,757 --> 01:13:51,843
What's wrong with doing radio
for the love of radio?

1337
01:13:52,302 --> 01:13:54,887
They would do anything
for 30 pieces of silver.

1338
01:13:56,056 --> 01:14:00,184
You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.
Radio for the love of radio.

1339
01:14:00,394 --> 01:14:03,020
Sponsored by Castrol.

1340
01:14:04,606 --> 01:14:06,441
Just gonna use the loo.

1341
01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:23,875
- Alan?
- Hi.

1342
01:14:24,042 --> 01:14:26,294
Alan, I want to talk to you.

1343
01:14:27,087 --> 01:14:28,171
Alan?

1344
01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:54,280
Oh, hi, Pat.

1345
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:56,782
Alan, how did you even get in there?

1346
01:14:56,950 --> 01:15:00,661
Um... I just removed an aluminium
panel. Slid straight in.

1347
01:15:00,996 --> 01:15:04,332
- Er... textbook. It's good, isn't it?
- Your voice sounds funny.

1348
01:15:04,541 --> 01:15:07,847
I think the conical shape of the
toilet's turned it into a sort of

1349
01:15:08,075 --> 01:15:09,872
a compact amphitheatre.

1350
01:15:09,907 --> 01:15:11,839
- It's weird.
- It is, Pat. It's bizarre.

1351
01:15:12,528 --> 01:15:15,151
It is and was a failed
escape attempt,

1352
01:15:15,470 --> 01:15:18,122
a sort of a Shitshank
Redemption, if you will.

1353
01:15:18,157 --> 01:15:20,556
Ah. The Armitage
Shank Redemption, eh?

1354
01:15:20,724 --> 01:15:23,768
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm laughing
like a drain and I'm in one.

1355
01:15:23,977 --> 01:15:26,270
Shake hands, Pat. Friends.
Friends, Pat, friends.

1356
01:15:26,438 --> 01:15:30,316
Friends? I know what you did,
you fucking snake.

1357
01:15:30,859 --> 01:15:32,568
- "Just sack Pat. "
- Huh?

1358
01:15:32,736 --> 01:15:35,071
- You're as bad as the rest of them.
- Pat, be reasonable.

1359
01:15:35,239 --> 01:15:37,949
Before you think of shooting anyone,
just for a second think,

1360
01:15:38,116 --> 01:15:42,537
what would drive a man to incarcerate
himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic.

1361
01:15:43,622 --> 01:15:47,583
- I'm not going to shoot you.
- Thank God for that. That's good news.

1362
01:15:49,628 --> 01:15:51,003
Sweet mother of God, no.

1363
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,297
Oh, angels and saints preserve us!

1364
01:15:53,465 --> 01:15:55,341
Dear God, let them be firm!

1365
01:15:57,803 --> 01:15:59,679
Help!

1366
01:16:00,889 --> 01:16:02,974
Stop the bus!

1367
01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:06,269
- What's that?
- It's a septic tank. You can have it.

1368
01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:50,688
Oh... not again!

1369
01:16:53,483 --> 01:16:55,693
Damn gypsies tampered
with the sights.

1370
01:17:04,244 --> 01:17:05,578
Trust me, Susan.

1371
01:17:06,622 --> 01:17:08,372
Ow! Jesus!

1372
01:17:13,295 --> 01:17:14,754
Suspect is on Cromer...

1373
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,839
You're a fucking clown, Alan.

1374
01:17:59,007 --> 01:18:00,675
Ah. Hi, Pat.

1375
01:18:03,303 --> 01:18:06,472
I trusted you, Alan.
I thought we were friends.

1376
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,432
- But you let me down.
- Well, I...

1377
01:18:08,600 --> 01:18:11,060
- You got me sacked.
- Over here! Pat!

1378
01:18:11,228 --> 01:18:12,853
Look!

1379
01:18:14,064 --> 01:18:16,065
Oh, shit!

1380
01:18:17,734 --> 01:18:18,776
What was that?

1381
01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:22,613
I think it was supposed to be
some sort of distraction. Yeah.

1382
01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:24,699
- Brave but pointless.
- Excuse me?

1383
01:18:24,866 --> 01:18:26,992
Oh, God, get back inside.
Quick, now!

1384
01:18:27,160 --> 01:18:30,079
- We want to get down there.
- Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off.

1385
01:18:30,247 --> 01:18:31,664
- Where were we?
- I got you sacked.

1386
01:18:31,873 --> 01:18:33,874
- Yeah, you let me down.
- Pat, listen to me.

1387
01:18:34,084 --> 01:18:35,292
- I've got this.
- Pardon?

1388
01:18:35,460 --> 01:18:37,837
- I said, I've got this.
- How long is it going to go on for?

1389
01:18:38,004 --> 01:18:40,005
- Shut up!
- He's telling you to shut up.

1390
01:18:40,173 --> 01:18:41,674
- Calm down.
- Didn't get that.

1391
01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:43,467
- Too close to your mouth.
- Calm down.

1392
01:18:43,635 --> 01:18:45,594
- It's too close to your mouth!
- Did you get that?

1393
01:18:45,762 --> 01:18:46,679
What?

1394
01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:50,725
She's saying, if you put your air rifles
back, you won't be in too much trouble.

1395
01:18:50,892 --> 01:18:53,519
- This is a shotgun.
- This is an air rifle. That's a shotgun.

1396
01:18:54,312 --> 01:18:56,313
We'll leave you to it.

1397
01:18:56,648 --> 01:18:58,649
I surrender.

1398
01:19:07,325 --> 01:19:12,705
Pat?

1399
01:19:13,582 --> 01:19:16,625
- I brought Molly to this pier.
- Happy times.

1400
01:19:16,835 --> 01:19:18,335
I scattered her ashes here.

1401
01:19:18,503 --> 01:19:19,920
Ah.

1402
01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:22,840
Buried at sea.

1403
01:19:23,717 --> 01:19:25,801
Like Bin Laden.

1404
01:19:26,386 --> 01:19:28,471
And now here we are.

1405
01:19:29,514 --> 01:19:31,265
The circle of life.

1406
01:19:31,475 --> 01:19:33,893
Cirque du Soleil.

1407
01:19:36,897 --> 01:19:38,647
Turn your head away.

1408
01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,024
Let's just calm down.

1409
01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,151
- Pat, come on.
- Turn your head away.

1410
01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,236
- Pat, listen to me...
- Pat, you're scaring me.

1411
01:19:44,404 --> 01:19:46,781
- I won't ask again.
- Pat, I need you to stay calm.

1412
01:19:46,948 --> 01:19:49,492
Turn your head away.

1413
01:19:51,244 --> 01:19:54,664
# Maybe I didn't love you

1414
01:19:55,217 --> 01:19:58,976
# Quite as often as I could have

1415
01:19:59,011 --> 01:20:00,211
What are you doing?

1416
01:20:00,378 --> 01:20:04,097
# Maybe I didn't treat you

1417
01:20:06,169 --> 01:20:09,360
# Quite as good as I should have

1418
01:20:09,395 --> 01:20:10,221
Stop it!

1419
01:20:10,388 --> 01:20:14,600
# And if I made you feel second best

1420
01:20:15,143 --> 01:20:18,437
# Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

1421
01:20:19,606 --> 01:20:24,151
# But you were always on my mind

1422
01:20:25,403 --> 01:20:29,949
# You were always on my mind

1423
01:20:32,869 --> 01:20:34,578
# Maybe I...
- Pat, are you ready to...

1424
01:20:34,746 --> 01:20:36,831
Shut up, you dick!

1425
01:20:39,334 --> 01:20:40,668
Pat, what are you doing?

1426
01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,670
I want to be with Molly.

1427
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:43,963
What?

1428
01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:47,842
I want to be with Molly.

1429
01:20:49,177 --> 01:20:51,387
- Pat, don't do this.
- Pat, don't do this!

1430
01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:53,055
Unbelievable.

1431
01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:55,975
- I can't reach the trigger.
- Pat, come on.

1432
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,982
Would you do it for me?

1433
01:21:04,067 --> 01:21:06,277
Yeah, course I will, mate.

1434
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:09,780
Course I will.

1435
01:21:12,534 --> 01:21:14,326
It's over, Pat.

1436
01:21:16,079 --> 01:21:17,454
No more hurting.

1437
01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:19,665
Ow!

1438
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:20,958
Aaargh!

1439
01:21:22,335 --> 01:21:24,670
You fucking idiot!

1440
01:21:26,506 --> 01:21:27,715
Shit.

1441
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:32,636
- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.
- They've blown me to bits, Lynn.

1442
01:21:33,096 --> 01:21:34,680
I feel cold.

1443
01:21:35,807 --> 01:21:39,059
It's all right, Alan.
God is with us.

1444
01:21:39,227 --> 01:21:41,478
We had some mad times,
didn't we, Lynn?

1445
01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:45,649
There's some blood coming
from my mouth, Lynn.

1446
01:21:46,192 --> 01:21:49,486
- It's just spit.
- Is it? Oh, yeah.

1447
01:21:49,654 --> 01:21:51,989
- Alan, I'm really sorry.
- It's all right, Pat.

1448
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,241
- You've still got the gun!
- Aargh!

1449
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,872
Was I a good man, Lynn?
Was I a kind man?

1450
01:22:00,206 --> 01:22:02,041
Very kind.

1451
01:22:02,208 --> 01:22:06,545
I remember when you were defrosting
your freezer and you gave me all that bacon.

1452
01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:09,006
I'm ready, Lynn.

1453
01:22:09,215 --> 01:22:11,926
I think I'm ready.

1454
01:22:12,093 --> 01:22:14,303
Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull.

1455
01:22:15,013 --> 01:22:17,014
Have you come to take my spirit away?

1456
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:19,683
Go, gull!

1457
01:22:21,686 --> 01:22:25,022
Gull... gull... gull.

1458
01:22:45,543 --> 01:22:48,003
What are you doing?
I'm watching it fly off.

1459
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:54,134
It's weird, Lynn. Yours will
be the last face I ever see.

1460
01:22:55,470 --> 01:22:57,680
- Oh, good.
- Hi there. You're gonna be OK.

1461
01:22:57,847 --> 01:23:00,891
- I've been shot in the heart.
- Your heart's there. It's your shoulder.

1462
01:23:01,059 --> 01:23:03,185
No, that... that's my heart. Ow!

1463
01:23:03,395 --> 01:23:06,063
- Can I have my job back now?
- Yeah, if you want.

1464
01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:15,531
# Maybe I didn't love you

1465
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,242
How long have you
been a paramedic?

1466
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:20,160
- About four years.
- Right.

1467
01:23:20,328 --> 01:23:23,288
And do you start in St John's Ambulance
and then work your way up

1468
01:23:23,456 --> 01:23:25,040
or are they separate organisations?

1469
01:23:25,208 --> 01:23:27,876
- They're separate...
- She can answer for herself, Lynn.

1470
01:23:28,044 --> 01:23:30,462
- They are separate organisations.
- Right.

1471
01:23:30,672 --> 01:23:32,339
- Are you courting?
- Well...

1472
01:23:32,507 --> 01:23:33,549
Not you, Lynn!

1473
01:23:33,758 --> 01:23:37,720
North Norfolk Digital:
North Norfolk's best music mix.

1474
01:23:37,929 --> 01:23:40,347
We've had a letter
from Louise in Thetford,

1475
01:23:40,515 --> 01:23:44,810
who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth
of people poking fun at garden gnomes.

1476
01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:47,252
They may be small and strange-faced,

1477
01:23:47,553 --> 01:23:49,820
but they bring a lot of
pleasure to a lot of people. "

1478
01:23:49,855 --> 01:23:53,027
Now, that's a letter, once upon a time
I would have found offensively dull.

1479
01:23:53,194 --> 01:23:54,319
- Yeah.
- Not now.

1480
01:23:54,487 --> 01:23:56,905
So maybe everything that happened
has changed you.

1481
01:23:57,073 --> 01:23:58,782
I think I have changed a little bit.

1482
01:23:58,950 --> 01:24:01,326
Well, for my part,
I was a bit worried about my head...

1483
01:24:01,494 --> 01:24:02,703
- Here we go.
- But um...

1484
01:24:02,912 --> 01:24:06,623
- I think I've got a handle on it now.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.

1485
01:24:07,333 --> 01:24:09,752
You've used that joke
about three or four times now.

1486
01:24:09,919 --> 01:24:12,337
- I don't know if you're aware of that.
- I use it too much?

1487
01:24:12,505 --> 01:24:16,008
I wouldn't say that. I just think
we're in that area and... you know.

1488
01:24:16,176 --> 01:24:18,177
- What about the hat?
- Good for the bin, I reckon.

1489
01:24:18,344 --> 01:24:20,137
- Lose it?
- Yeah.

1490
01:24:20,305 --> 01:24:23,057
But I think, like you say,
you're coming on leaps and bounds...

1491
01:24:23,224 --> 01:24:24,558
and I think, 12 months' time,

1492
01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:27,227
you'll probably have forgotten
there ever was a siege.

1493
01:24:27,395 --> 01:24:29,563
- What siege?
- Er... exactly. That's good.

1494
01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:32,066
- You haven't really forgotten?
- No.

1495
01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:36,945
OK, time now for our weekly phone call
with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.

1496
01:24:37,113 --> 01:24:40,032
- It's...
# Ring-ring from Sing-Sing!

1497
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:43,577
Hello, Pat. Wagwan!

1498
01:24:43,787 --> 01:24:45,162
Er... Hi, Alan.

1499
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:48,916
OK, this week's question comes from Sue,
a dental hygienist from Grantham.

1500
01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:52,169
She asks, "Prison time is
often referred to as porridge

1501
01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:57,382
but do they actually serve porridge,
and if so, is it compulsory?"

1502
01:24:57,550 --> 01:25:00,719
Yeah, they serve porridge
but you can have other things.

1503
01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:04,056
Thanks, Pat. We'll have another
question for you next week, until then...

1504
01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:06,141
Keep your nose clean, boy.

1505
01:25:17,237 --> 01:25:20,515
# It's number one
all over heaven

1506
01:25:20,792 --> 01:25:23,668
# It's number one
all over heaven

1507
01:25:23,990 --> 01:25:26,976
# It's number one
all over heaven

1508
01:25:27,011 --> 01:25:29,957
# The number one song
all over heaven

1509
01:25:30,625 --> 01:25:34,628
# If you should die
before you awake

1510
01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:41,260
# If you should die while
crossing the street

1511
01:25:43,429 --> 01:25:46,640
# The song that you'll hear,
I guarantee

1512
01:25:48,893 --> 01:25:51,687
Colby, Philip?
If you guys don't dig the sounds,

1513
01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:53,605
sling us your pod, I'll dock it.

1514
01:25:54,482 --> 01:25:56,316
You won't like it.

1515
01:25:56,651 --> 01:25:59,194
Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.

1516
01:25:59,362 --> 01:26:01,155
A good beat's a good beat.

1517
01:26:06,119 --> 01:26:08,162
# All the wrong places

1518
01:26:09,914 --> 01:26:12,082
Sorry, not listening to that.

1519
01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:15,121
# It's number one
all over heaven

1520
01:26:15,415 --> 01:26:18,411
# It's number one
all over heaven

1521
01:26:18,696 --> 01:26:21,749
# It's number one
all over heaven

1522
01:26:21,784 --> 01:26:24,595
# The number one
song all over heaven

1523
01:26:25,346 --> 01:26:28,682
# The song filters down,
down through the clouds

1524
01:26:31,644 --> 01:26:35,147
# It reaches the earth
and winds all around

1525
01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:41,570
# And then it breaks
up in millions of ways

1526
01:26:43,406 --> 01:26:46,742
# It goes la, la, la,
la, la la, la la

1527
01:26:47,184 --> 01:26:50,130
# La, la, la la, la la, la la

1528
01:26:50,433 --> 01:26:53,525
# La, la, la la, la la, la la

1529
01:26:53,560 --> 01:26:56,793
# La, la, la la, la la, la,
la, la, la-la-la

1530
01:26:57,128 --> 01:27:01,089
# Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit

1531
01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,470
For God's sake,
if it's that important...

1532
01:27:08,097 --> 01:27:10,515
# Toe to toe

1533
01:27:11,059 --> 01:27:13,894
# We all stand tall

1534
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,314
# Row by row

1535
01:27:18,399 --> 01:27:20,692
# All eyes glow

1536
01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,737
# Like a rabbit in the headlights

1537
01:27:23,905 --> 01:27:25,697
# Get your head right

1538
01:27:25,865 --> 01:27:28,951
# Start a new life
Shiver in the moonlight

1539
01:27:29,118 --> 01:27:32,287
# You must embrace it
cos if not you'll waste it

1540
01:27:32,455 --> 01:27:36,208
# You're looking for love
in all the wrong places

1541
01:27:41,214 --> 01:27:43,423
# All the wrong places...

1542
01:27:47,971 --> 01:27:49,930
Sorry, that is awful.

1543
01:27:52,308 --> 01:27:54,017
#... or soft as a doubt

1544
01:27:57,188 --> 01:28:00,274
# Lyrically weak,
but the music's the thing

1545
01:28:02,986 --> 01:28:05,982
# Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it

1546
01:28:06,311 --> 01:28:09,157
# Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it

1547
01:28:09,509 --> 01:28:12,542
# Gabriel plays it,
God, how he plays it

1548
01:28:12,577 --> 01:28:15,414
# Gabriel plays it,
let's hear him play it

1549
01:28:28,633 --> 01:28:31,504
# It's number one
all over heaven

1550
01:28:31,874 --> 01:28:34,633
# It's number one
all over heaven

1551
01:28:34,923 --> 01:28:37,957
# It's number one
all over heaven

1552
01:28:37,992 --> 01:28:40,981
# The number one
song all over heaven

1553
01:28:41,607 --> 01:28:45,652
# The song filters down,
down through the clouds

1554
01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,284
# It reaches the earth
and winds all around

1555
01:28:54,495 --> 01:28:57,622
# And then it breaks up
in millions of ways

1556
01:28:59,542 --> 01:29:02,919
# It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la

1557
01:29:03,425 --> 01:29:06,333
# La, la, la la, la la, la la

1558
01:29:06,872 --> 01:29:09,574
# La, la, la la, la la, la la

1559
01:29:09,609 --> 01:29:12,929
# La, la, la la, la la, la, la, la, la-la-la

1560
01:29:13,389 --> 01:29:17,017
# Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit

1561
01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:23,231
# And in your home it
becomes advertisements

1562
01:29:26,069 --> 01:29:31,531
# And in the streets it
becomes children singing

1563
01:29:32,256 --> 01:29:36,615
# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la

1564
01:29:38,157 --> 01:29:43,834
# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la

1565
01:29:45,221 --> 01:29:50,542
# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la

1566
01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:55,889
# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la...

1567
01:29:57,372 --> 01:30:02,152
# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la...

1568
01:30:03,340 --> 01:30:08,468
sync, fix: titler

1569
01:30:09,305 --> 01:30:15,256
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