1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM 2 00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,327 Yo! What up, dawg? 3 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:46,498 Yo, yo, yo, diggity, yo! 4 00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:49,364 Yo, yo, yiggity-yo! 5 00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:52,367 Yo, yo, yiggity-do. 6 00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:55,506 Yo, yo, yo, yo. 7 00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,417 Yo-yo? 8 00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,610 Oh, yeah, yeah, you better check yourself 9 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:03,387 before you wreck yourself, because that girl ain't nothing but trouble. 10 00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:06,324 Listen, this cock-a-doodle do not do it that way. 11 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:10,228 This cock-a-doodle-do don't doodle-do that way. 12 00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,390 This cock-a-doodle-do don't do that way. 13 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,263 Geez, Peaches... 14 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,325 shut your fuckin' pie-hole. 15 00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,461 Listen, home-skillet, 16 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:22,305 I need some chedda', to take my girl out, 17 00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:24,273 candy slack. 18 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,037 I think the scene is about... 19 00:02:27,062 --> 00:02:29,062 uh, that, uh... 20 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:34,447 The scene is about... a girl and a... 21 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:40,425 I think it's a comedy about a bunch of older cockers in a retirement home, that's what it's about. 22 00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,527 Hi, my name is J Kimball, I'm an actor. 23 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,230 Hopefully, you actually knew that already, otherwise, uh... 24 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,341 I don't know... have a little chat with my agent, I guess. 25 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,375 Recently, I was asked to play a character... 26 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:03,280 who ages into his mid-80's, in a new comedy 27 00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:09,346 which I think is entitled "Do Not Not Resuscitate." 28 00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:13,417 So, I gave it a good read, as I always do, and uh... 29 00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:15,958 it's terrible. 30 00:03:15,983 --> 00:03:17,396 Terrible. 31 00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:21,189 The dialogue is bland, the characters are under-developed, 32 00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,031 the plot... a piece of crap. 33 00:03:24,136 --> 00:03:24,894 Honey? 34 00:03:24,895 --> 00:03:27,268 - Then I had a second thought. - Are you ready to go? 35 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,502 Did I mention that it was written by my brother-in-law? 36 00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,268 My darling wife's adorable baby brother? 37 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,344 Turn that thing off. 38 00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:37,248 - I'm working. - You haven't seen her in 6 months. 39 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:38,250 Honey, I'm busy here. 40 00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,486 - You promised. - Your project. 41 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:41,487 Your mother! 42 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:43,449 Just let me... give me... 43 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:48,351 So I got a choice. I can do the movie, or... 44 00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:50,293 suffer the consequences. 45 00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:52,363 You married guys know what I'm talking about. 46 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,229 Obviously, I'm doing the movie. 47 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:57,393 And, since I have no idea what it's like to be 85 years old, 48 00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,496 I'm gonna need to do more research than usual. 49 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,034 And I figured I'd invite you all along to suffer with me. 50 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,908 The only question is, am I gonna do that research 51 00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:07,170 where my mother is, at the Nancy Gaye... 52 00:04:07,212 --> 00:04:10,373 Why-the-hell-don't-you-visit-me-more-often Nursing Home... 53 00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:13,417 or... at The Coconuts Convalescent Home, 54 00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:17,250 conveniently located across the street from my favorite casino? 55 00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,360 Shuffle up and deal. 56 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,431 This is for your own personal use, correct? 57 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:36,465 Yeah, yeah. I always like to do research, makes the characters I play more real 58 00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:39,478 for me, you know? And hopefully for the audience as well. 59 00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:42,438 It's, uh... usually just gonna be Bob here, y' know, 60 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:43,472 couple of guys on the crew. 61 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:46,280 Em, sometimes I'll just shoot myself, 62 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,311 and sometimes we'll both shoot, at the same time. 63 00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,380 But don't worry about them. They're.. they're non-union. 64 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:51,390 Oh. Good. 65 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:55,521 Though I am happy to sign a release, or a contract... 66 00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:57,359 No, that won't be necessary. 67 00:04:58,264 --> 00:04:59,626 Uh, so tell me... how long have you been the 68 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,261 Activities Director here? 69 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,427 At The Coconuts? Well, uh, 70 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,395 I haven't always been an administrator. 71 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:08,373 Life... is but a walking shadow. 72 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,342 A poor player that... 73 00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,367 struts and frets... 74 00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:15,506 his hour upon the stage, and then... 75 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,940 is heard no more. 76 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,242 You're an actor. 77 00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,447 I'm between roles. 78 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,423 Oh, now, I know how that goes. 79 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:25,953 When was your last gig? 80 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:26,620 November. 81 00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,660 - Well, that's not so... - 1998. 82 00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,966 Listen, what I... just really wanna 83 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,493 kinda get out of all this, is uh... 84 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,369 an overall feel for what it's like here 85 00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:40,372 for the old people. 86 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,499 You know? Um, do they get visitors? 87 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,272 Do they get exercise? 88 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,845 Uh... What gets them up? 89 00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:47,773 In the morning, you know? 90 00:05:47,813 --> 00:05:49,504 And, indeed, can they still... 91 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:50,447 get it up? 92 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:53,283 How do old people get around? 93 00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:01,360 Well, first off... 94 00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:04,261 we don't like to call them "old people." 95 00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:07,391 They're just people, like you and me, only 96 00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:10,426 old. 97 00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:14,431 - I can't find my glasses! - They're on top of your head. 98 00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:16,442 Oh, they're on top of my head. 99 00:06:18,277 --> 00:06:20,245 You didn't mention how long you will be with us. 100 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:21,246 A couple of weeks. 101 00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,278 Splendid! 102 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:27,953 So, the idea here at The Coconuts is to make our residents feel at home. 103 00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,681 Of course, we try to keep things interesting, 104 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,519 mix it up a bit. 105 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,458 In many respects, it's a lot more fun than how they lived 106 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,297 before coming here. 107 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,326 Yes, sure! I see that, uh... 108 00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,438 Thursday is cherry pie day. 109 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:49,374 I'm also very excited about a new event we have 110 00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:53,368 scheduled for next month. We're putting on our first "talent show". 111 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:57,281 So they, uh, still have the energy to compete this late in life? 112 00:06:57,316 --> 00:07:00,444 Oh well, yeah. I don't like to speak in clichés, you know, 113 00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:03,478 "never too late" and all that, but, uh... you'd be surprised. 114 00:07:03,889 --> 00:07:06,415 And, I might add, uh, reassured 115 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,494 by what some of them still can do. 116 00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:16,491 - But, but, but... she's my niece! - Yeah, I can see the resemblance. 117 00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:20,438 - I only need one more minute. - Yes, well your niece will have to come back 118 00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:22,373 at regular visiting hours. 119 00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:24,273 I hope you wore a condom. 120 00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:26,505 Condoms? We ain't got no condoms. 121 00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:29,276 We don't need no condoms. 122 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,477 I don't have to show you stinking condoms! 123 00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,485 You do if you don't want your dick to fall off. 124 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,447 You're just jealous because I have a pretty face. 125 00:07:36,489 --> 00:07:38,514 And bigger balls. 126 00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:44,419 Ah, shall we take a look around, and introduce you to some of our 127 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,228 residents, who can help you in your research? 128 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,426 - Okay. - Yeah... 129 00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,368 You really scared me on that prison show. 130 00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:54,331 I've always secretly wanted a tattoo. 131 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,272 Oh-ho-ho, you... 132 00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:08,353 So, this is our recreation room. 133 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,257 What do you think, stripes or solids? 134 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,383 How the fuck should I know? 135 00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:17,385 Have they invented Braille balls since I last checked, honkey mother fucker? 136 00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:20,229 Okay, nice to meet you. 137 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:21,423 That's Bernard. 138 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,297 "Big Sexy"! 139 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,395 Oh, yes, "Big Sexy." 140 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:29,431 He's harmless, and um, visually-challenged. 141 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,470 Hello, ladies. 142 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,243 Hi. 143 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,271 Morning. 144 00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,341 - And one, and two. - This is our all-purpose room. 145 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:41,285 Oh! You've come at a good time. We're implementing some 146 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,483 innovative changes to health and exercise. 147 00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,416 Telephone! Telephone! 148 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:54,323 And one, and two, and three. 149 00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:55,491 And four. 150 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,234 And one, 151 00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:58,498 And two... 152 00:08:58,504 --> 00:09:02,235 That son of a bitch manager stole my watch again! 153 00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:05,301 Rex, no one has stolen your watch. 154 00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,941 Who the hell are you? 155 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,306 I'm the son of a bitch who took... 156 00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,439 Nurse! 157 00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:12,475 Knock, knock. 158 00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,286 Who's there? 159 00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:21,226 Whoa! 160 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:25,321 So... that's about it. Why don't you make yourself at home, 161 00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,332 talk to some of our residents. 162 00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,325 I have to get back to the office, but if you need anything... 163 00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:31,527 anything at all, 164 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,273 - just ask. - Okay. Thanks, Greg. 165 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,434 I'll just hang out here and see what the geezers are up to. 166 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,282 Gimme back my watch! 167 00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:38,403 Hi, guys. 168 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,371 What's up? 169 00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:41,473 My dick, if you rub it. 170 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,440 Listen, boy... 171 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:44,375 this bench is for white's only. 172 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,345 Don't worry about Big Sexy. 173 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:50,245 Uh, you guys mind if I just ask you a few questions? 174 00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:54,217 - Still a free country. - Not for long, the Mexicans are takin' over. 175 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,252 Don't worry about him. 176 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,515 You're here to find out what it's like to be old, right? 177 00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:00,457 Yeah, right. 178 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,220 It's horrible. 179 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,488 My back hurts all the time, 180 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,497 I can't sleep at night. 181 00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,790 - Colonoscopies. - It's just awful gettin' old. 182 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:11,336 Every day I have to wear diapers 'cause I can't control my bladder. 183 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,462 I'm constipated. 184 00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:14,297 You guys are pathetic! 185 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:18,101 Every morning, 6 a.m., I have a nice strong piss, 186 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:22,347 6:30 I have a good firm bowel movement. 187 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,977 Of course, I don't wake up till 7:00... 188 00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:28,002 Ba-dum-bum! 189 00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:36,488 Is he still here? 190 00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:39,162 Yeah, still here. 191 00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,326 That's very funny guys. I guess you don't lose your sense of humor when you get old, huh? 192 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,138 But seriously, what do you want to know? 193 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,065 Well, you know, everything. 194 00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:52,341 I dunno, you guys look like you're pretty fit, what do you do for exercise? 195 00:11:57,516 --> 00:11:59,381 Eat shit, faggot. 196 00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:02,316 Jesus, Frank, now take it easy. 197 00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:04,422 And... dead. 198 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:07,250 - This is.. it's research. It's for a movie I'm doing. - A movie? 199 00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:10,421 - You a Jew? - I'm an actor. 200 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:14,296 I just wanna find out what it really feels like to be old. 201 00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,425 Now you're callin' us old? 202 00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:19,235 - You are old! - That's not what your mama said last night! 203 00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:22,566 Wow... So come on, seriously, what do you guys do? 204 00:12:22,591 --> 00:12:23,842 How do you keep in shape? 205 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,811 We play a lot of paddle tennis. 206 00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:29,309 Well, what is that? Paddle tennis? Is that even a real thing? 207 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,473 Bet we could whip your ass! 208 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,760 You think so? 209 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,555 Rex and me... against you. 210 00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:41,519 You win? We let you hang out with us for your research. 211 00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:45,454 We win, we get to be in your movie. 212 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,294 Sure, all right. Deal. 213 00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,298 Deal! 214 00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,808 Where's Rex? 215 00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:12,390 Ruth... come on. 216 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,049 Out! 217 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,064 Out! 218 00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:19,289 In! 219 00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:24,896 In. 220 00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:42,923 We won! 221 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,649 We won! 222 00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,847 Yeah, yeah. 223 00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,889 Looks like you lost. 224 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:56,928 - I think the fix was in. - I just call 'em like I see 'em. 225 00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,927 This guy had a ringer. You totally cheated. 226 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:02,791 Hollywood! Here we come! 227 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,002 Okay, all right, deal's a deal. 228 00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:06,301 Tell you what... 229 00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:08,331 you can still hang with us. 230 00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:10,236 Eh? Thanks... 231 00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,503 - I think. - Just don't touch my junk. 232 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:15,506 I'll try to resist that urge. 233 00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:22,420 This might be tougher than I thought. 234 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,148 How's your research going? 235 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,853 Should've visited your mother instead. 236 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:32,965 Thank you, dear. 237 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,730 New guy. 238 00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:44,304 Three o'clock. 239 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,318 First time? 240 00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:55,349 Yes, sir. 241 00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,680 - Scared it'll hurt? - That you'll be humiliated? 242 00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,584 Never hold your head up in public again? 243 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,418 I'm just here 'cause my doctor said, y' know, it's time to get it checked out. 244 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,456 Maybe you'll squeal like a pig. 245 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,390 Feel like you're being raped, in prison. 246 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,490 And start to like it. 247 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,265 That's the goal. 248 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,298 Listen, nice chattin' with you guys, I gotta finish this script. 249 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:16,299 I remember when I was a virgin. 250 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:17,934 Yeah? A while ago? 251 00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:19,342 '52. 252 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,275 Oh, this really ages you. 253 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,506 Remember Art's son, Frankie? 254 00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:24,504 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 255 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:25,884 Insufficient lube. 256 00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:26,984 It got stuck. 257 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:30,388 Like goin' to the electric chair, and they forgot to wet the sponge. 258 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,354 Sounds like Frankie forgot to relax. 259 00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:34,324 They lasered his poop-hole. 260 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:35,323 Really? 261 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,897 - Had to laser it shut. - Oh, I hope he got a good lawyer. 262 00:16:38,922 --> 00:16:40,498 And ripped him a new one. 263 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:44,299 Does a kind of side-saddle maneuver on the john now. 264 00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,996 - Oh, but other than that, he's fine. - Colon's clear. 265 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,005 Yeah, yeah. Clear colon. 266 00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:50,499 Kind of a semi-colon. 267 00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,244 Not that he uses it much anymore. 268 00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:02,420 Is there any room, on either side of you guys? We're a little squished in here. 269 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,415 Well, you know, they give you a DVD. 270 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,355 - Yeah, they film it. - I heard that. 271 00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:09,290 A keepsake you'll always treasure. 272 00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,486 You know, man looks into the abyss, 273 00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:15,331 and see's himself staring back at him. 274 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,997 All part of growin' older. 275 00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:19,368 Lookin' forward to it. 276 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,305 Bernard, we're ready for you. 277 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,410 Mmm, you smell good. 278 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,849 Why, thank you. 279 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,118 Hey! Come on, now, you... 280 00:17:33,143 --> 00:17:35,143 watch it! 281 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:42,952 - You're next. - Oh, go ahead. 282 00:17:43,495 --> 00:17:45,326 - No, you. - You go first. 283 00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,297 - You'll thank me. - After you. 284 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,458 - You're gonna really like this. - She seems a little upset. 285 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,730 You are gonna get so used to this. 286 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,531 - Please go. - You'll be so happy. 287 00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:55,234 I have many years ahead of me. 288 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,274 - Might even tickle. - Go. 289 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,767 - Take a chance! - I'm gonna go home. 290 00:17:58,878 --> 00:17:59,806 No, no! Stay! 291 00:17:59,831 --> 00:18:01,331 Stay! 292 00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:05,210 Mistake. 293 00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:15,252 So, uh, Rex... what are you doing for the big talent show? 294 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:18,295 What talent show? 295 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,657 Uh, the... that's... Not to worry, we'll come back to you. 296 00:18:21,782 --> 00:18:22,634 Bernard, what about you? 297 00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,428 Don't worry about me, I'm workin' on it. 298 00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:26,338 Okay. 299 00:18:26,363 --> 00:18:30,263 Why they want you to have any good time in this damn place? 300 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,237 We're right in the middle of an interview! 301 00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:34,308 That's okay, I don't mind. 302 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,214 Okay, what are you doin' for the talent show? 303 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:41,744 - I don't do that stupid shit. - You gotta love the president's stimulus package. 304 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,280 Is that what's payin' for all this? 305 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,388 You see the new girl that checked in yesterday? 306 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:51,486 I hesitate to ask here, Victor... what is... what is goin' on there? 307 00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:56,400 Oh, sexting! With a shawty I met last week. 308 00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,436 He's addicted to sext, you know? 309 00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,763 Wow, that's, uh... 310 00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:03,407 She hittin' you back, there? Is that what's goin' on? 311 00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,406 Ooh! Where'd you meet her? Comic-Con? 312 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:11,279 She was a friend of my wife's. 313 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:12,940 I didn't know you were married. 314 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:15,443 Well, I'm not. 315 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,310 Anymore... 316 00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,658 Oh. I'm sorry. What, uh... what happened? 317 00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:28,325 Kandearoo. Kandearoo... 318 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,230 What is that? What is Kandearoo? 319 00:20:00,941 --> 00:20:02,341 Jesus! 320 00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,435 I mean, there's no way to stop it? 321 00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:27,315 God! That's... that's terrible. Victor, I'm 322 00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:30,326 I'm so sorry man, I- I didn't know. 323 00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:41,472 Va-va-verga! 324 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:44,400 You gotta be kiddin' me. 325 00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:47,207 - Breckin! Breckin Meyer! - Hey guys! 326 00:20:47,232 --> 00:20:48,232 - Where you goin'? - How's it goin'? 327 00:20:48,257 --> 00:20:50,757 I'm going to play some laser tag with some elderly folks. You wanna watch? 328 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:52,008 Mind if we tag along? 329 00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,417 Yeah, actually, I want the footage, come on. 330 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:58,114 - We love your show, uh, Frank and Beans. - Oh, thanks brother, we're having a good time. 331 00:20:58,558 --> 00:20:59,525 J! 332 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:00,558 - There he is! - How's it goin'? 333 00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:02,156 - Hey, man, thanks for coming. - All right. 334 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,387 Good to see you, and these guys just, what? Follow you around 335 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,665 Yeah, it's my entourage, you don't mind do you? 336 00:21:05,690 --> 00:21:06,397 Whatever. 337 00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:09,334 - Who's this? - "Who is this?" Who doesn't have a television? 338 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:10,401 What, are you kidding me? 339 00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:12,267 - Breckin Meyer, how ya' doin'? - What are you, twelve? 340 00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:13,395 - 12 inches. - Bracken Meyers. 341 00:21:14,306 --> 00:21:15,398 - Breckin Meyer? - Yes sir. 342 00:21:15,474 --> 00:21:17,408 It sounds like a strand of Ukrainian syphilis to me. 343 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,371 Kinda' mouthy for a blind guy playing laser tag. 344 00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:25,349 Oh! Before the cock crows three times, you shall be punked by the blind. 345 00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,680 - Is he, did he just call me a cock? - Apparently so. 346 00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:32,485 Okay, Father Time? Cryptkeeper? Methuselah? Let's go, let's do this. 347 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:37,421 All right, welcome to your ultimate laser tag adventure, are you guys excited to be here? 348 00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:40,329 - Oh yeah. - Awesome, that's nice. 349 00:21:40,365 --> 00:21:45,061 Uh, so my name is Justin and this is Daniel, my trusty sidekick. Everyone say "Hello Daniel." 350 00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:46,464 Hello, Daniel! 351 00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:48,403 And we're gonna be your Game-Masters today. 352 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,470 Did he say Gay Masters? 353 00:21:50,596 --> 00:21:53,424 What sort of S&M bullshit did you bring me to today? 354 00:21:53,477 --> 00:21:55,246 So let's get started. 355 00:21:55,414 --> 00:21:58,181 When you guys walk in that door, you're gonna see a bunch of vests like this one, 356 00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:01,078 and what you want to do is grab the vest off the rack and throw it over your shoulders 357 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,347 - making sure the laser is in front. - Looks like an electric dick. 358 00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:07,415 It sure does. If the laser isn't in front your pack's on backwards 359 00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:09,917 and that's stupid because you can't fire out of your butts. 360 00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:12,526 - Oh, this guy here can. - I bet! 361 00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:16,157 So then you wanna strap in your sides and then you're gonna detach your laser from the vest, 362 00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:18,294 and hold the vest with the laser with two hands at all times. 363 00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:19,859 - How many hands? - Two hands. - Two! 364 00:22:19,938 --> 00:22:23,372 That's right, two hands. Now, you wanna fire everywhere and anywhere 365 00:22:23,442 --> 00:22:25,239 you see blinking, flashing lights. 366 00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:27,438 So, if it's blinking, you blast it. What do you do? You... 367 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,276 - Blast it. - Come on guys, what do you do? 368 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,442 - Blast it! - That's right, you blast it! 369 00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:34,315 All right, Daniel take it over. 370 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,254 All right, we're gonna go over some important game rules for today. 371 00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:40,416 Ah, the first rule is the most important, you guys... 372 00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:44,061 No running. If you run, you're done. 373 00:22:44,128 --> 00:22:47,097 Seriously, with you guy's hearts, if you run, you're done. 374 00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:49,291 You're gonna die. This'll be it. 375 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:52,269 - I'll beat your little ass. - No climbing or crawling. 376 00:22:52,337 --> 00:22:55,431 No crawling anywhere in the maze, you guys. 377 00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:58,011 Uh, no physical contact. 378 00:22:58,037 --> 00:23:00,826 Yeah, Victor, that means keep your hands off my junk, too. Okay? 379 00:23:01,346 --> 00:23:05,148 No touching. Uh, no unsportsmanlike conduct. 380 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:09,153 If it don't feel cool, it ain't cool, and that includes offensive language. 381 00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:12,615 No... that includes trash talking, no trash talking, you guys. 382 00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:14,254 - That's bullshit. - Totally. 383 00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:17,318 Next rule, follow staff instructions at all times. 384 00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:19,364 We... are staff. 385 00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:22,458 Last rule, any persons failing to follow these rules 386 00:23:22,534 --> 00:23:26,368 will be asked to leave without a refund. So, if you just follow these rules, you guys... 387 00:23:26,438 --> 00:23:27,762 we'll have a great game, okay? 388 00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:29,439 - We'll be good. - Whoo! - Okay! 389 00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:31,038 - Yeah! - Okay. Let's do it. 390 00:23:31,063 --> 00:23:32,076 Go, old people! 391 00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,235 Not you guys. 392 00:23:39,985 --> 00:23:41,213 Rex! It's me! 393 00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:55,333 - Damn. - Right, are you okay? 394 00:23:55,367 --> 00:24:00,395 - Bernard? What? Is it your heart? - You.. dirty... bastards! 395 00:24:17,422 --> 00:24:19,447 Say "hello" to my little friend! 396 00:24:20,525 --> 00:24:22,254 Hey. 397 00:24:26,932 --> 00:24:27,990 Fish in a barrel. 398 00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:37,500 Hey. Looks like we won. 399 00:24:38,376 --> 00:24:41,504 That's it! You're all out. You run, you're done! 400 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,271 You run, you're done. 401 00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,376 - We have to go. - That's true, Justin. 402 00:24:47,452 --> 00:24:51,411 You break the rules, you get no refund. 403 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:54,292 Seemed like a short game to me. 404 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:56,361 Hey, where Rex? 405 00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,464 You guys keep up on the latest technology at all? 406 00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:02,700 - Well, I've seen color TV. - I got a stereo. 407 00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:05,362 Beautiful, welcome to the 21st century here guys, 408 00:25:05,387 --> 00:25:07,387 this... is a smart phone. 409 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:11,599 Can make phone calls, of course, you can also do a shit-load of other things, but here, wait, wait... 410 00:25:12,310 --> 00:25:15,404 I'll show you on this 'cause it's got a bigger screen for your tired old eyes. 411 00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:21,444 You can, uh, you can surf the web here, you got emails, I got thousands of photos in this thing. 412 00:25:21,486 --> 00:25:25,813 Uh... music, got a calendar, maps! You got maps of the whole world on this thing. 413 00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:29,521 There's a... there's thousands of apps you can get for this, all on this one little device. 414 00:25:29,594 --> 00:25:33,328 It's, it's unbelievable. It's a dazzling display of technology, right? 415 00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:35,389 It's like a phone, only bigger. 416 00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:44,366 Okay. Here, look. Look at this, this is the most portable, powerful, lightweight notebook money can buy. 417 00:25:44,442 --> 00:25:47,642 And I can do all that same stuff on this, but I can also, I can upload footage here, 418 00:25:47,913 --> 00:25:49,972 I use this for my research all the time, I can edit, 419 00:25:50,415 --> 00:25:53,282 - I could, I could make a movie on this thing. - Really? 420 00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:55,319 - Yeah. - So you could make a porno? 421 00:25:55,353 --> 00:25:58,516 Porno, you want porno, here we go. In two seconds, 422 00:25:59,291 --> 00:26:02,419 just for you, eyes and ears, we have porno! 423 00:26:04,362 --> 00:26:08,458 Oh yeah. Oh yeah, spank the monkey, smart boy. 424 00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:11,427 Damn. 425 00:26:15,273 --> 00:26:16,403 Hello? 426 00:26:16,828 --> 00:26:17,928 Hello? 427 00:26:20,278 --> 00:26:21,472 Hello! 428 00:26:39,464 --> 00:26:42,456 You seem nice. 429 00:26:44,302 --> 00:26:49,399 I'm also a pretty good dancer. 430 00:26:51,509 --> 00:26:55,343 I'd like to see you dance. 431 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,415 Oh. 432 00:27:23,713 --> 00:27:25,474 ...really do see the market to continue to trend... 433 00:27:25,499 --> 00:27:27,499 - ...know why I'm here in the first place. - Skank. 434 00:27:29,877 --> 00:27:32,748 ...now there's a line drive down the left field line... 435 00:27:34,386 --> 00:27:37,287 Do you know the secret to a long-lasting relationship? 436 00:27:38,289 --> 00:27:40,450 Good communication? 437 00:27:40,525 --> 00:27:42,356 Romantic dinners? 438 00:27:43,528 --> 00:27:45,765 Walks in the park? 439 00:27:46,190 --> 00:27:48,790 Those are all great, but not even close. 440 00:27:49,234 --> 00:27:54,494 A recent survey found that 104 percent of males said the secret to a long-lasting relationship is... 441 00:27:54,572 --> 00:27:59,070 a great blowjob! 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Call 1-800-555-0169 now 452 00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:34,376 to order "How to Give a Great Blowjob"! 453 00:28:34,946 --> 00:28:37,607 Get yours, before your man gets his... 454 00:28:37,983 --> 00:28:39,741 somewhere else. 455 00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:43,286 Oh, my! 456 00:28:44,456 --> 00:28:47,448 Ruth Mama Zion! Where did you get that bikini? 457 00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:51,260 Amazon.com. 458 00:28:51,463 --> 00:28:53,397 What has gotten into you lately? 459 00:28:53,465 --> 00:28:57,265 Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. 460 00:29:00,472 --> 00:29:02,463 Something's missing. 461 00:29:07,312 --> 00:29:09,337 Very funny. 462 00:29:16,454 --> 00:29:18,319 Very good! Very good! 463 00:29:20,325 --> 00:29:21,383 What? 464 00:29:21,493 --> 00:29:23,427 Where are ya'? 465 00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:25,119 - You're hot. - I know you're in here somewhere. 466 00:29:25,144 --> 00:29:26,263 You're gettin' hot. 467 00:29:27,364 --> 00:29:30,390 - Where are you? - Hotter. 468 00:29:31,302 --> 00:29:33,293 Yea! 469 00:29:47,352 --> 00:29:50,253 Does Greg know you're out here this late? 470 00:29:50,321 --> 00:29:51,447 It's only 6 o'clock. 471 00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:57,394 - Hi Ruth. - Oh. Hi Victor. 472 00:29:58,363 --> 00:30:00,388 Well, I'm gonna go get changed. 473 00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:02,365 I'll see you at dinner. 474 00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:10,430 God, that daughter of his... really get's him down. 475 00:30:10,508 --> 00:30:14,501 Yeah, I know. She only visits him for the life insurance money. 476 00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:17,281 Oh, poor guy. 477 00:30:39,270 --> 00:30:40,532 Hi, Victor. 478 00:30:41,372 --> 00:30:44,500 You know how cute I always thought you were. 479 00:31:35,526 --> 00:31:39,292 Gee... are there any Q-tips? 480 00:31:44,535 --> 00:31:46,435 Hang on! 481 00:31:56,447 --> 00:31:59,211 Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore? 482 00:32:00,285 --> 00:32:03,012 - So, I don't want to play this guy like he's feeble or senile or... - Honey? 483 00:32:03,037 --> 00:32:04,354 - doesn't know what's going on in the world. - Honey? 484 00:32:04,355 --> 00:32:07,518 - Just a sec'! These guys wanna have sex, they can still get it up. - Who spanked the monkey? Hmm? 485 00:32:07,959 --> 00:32:09,048 Apparently. 486 00:32:09,327 --> 00:32:11,261 - Smart boy? - Okay, let me tell ya'. 487 00:32:11,296 --> 00:32:14,322 I was showing the old farts about computers today, 488 00:32:14,365 --> 00:32:17,459 and about getting on the internet, and about all the stuff I can do on the computer like 489 00:32:17,502 --> 00:32:21,404 editing, and you know, I said I could make my own movie, this guy Bernard says could you make a porno 490 00:32:21,406 --> 00:32:24,073 and I said, oh, well here, lemme show you some porno. 491 00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,010 - These guys are like, they're like conniving little children. - Sweetheart? 492 00:32:27,078 --> 00:32:29,945 - What? - It's okay. I trust you. 493 00:32:30,348 --> 00:32:31,474 - You do? - Yes. 494 00:32:31,983 --> 00:32:34,244 It's a convalescent home, how much trouble can you really get into? 495 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:36,514 I think you'd be surprised. 496 00:32:37,322 --> 00:32:39,381 Yeah? Oh... 497 00:32:39,558 --> 00:32:40,718 surprise me. 498 00:32:48,399 --> 00:32:52,392 Hello everyone. My new best friend, J, 499 00:32:52,437 --> 00:32:57,465 has generously offered to ask today's special guest to come in and show you some... 500 00:32:57,508 --> 00:32:59,499 invaluable self-defense moves. 501 00:32:59,544 --> 00:33:03,344 When I heard he was coming, I got all choked up. 502 00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:08,344 Ah, I'm proud to introduce Mr. Randy "The Natural" Couture. 503 00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:11,320 Who the hell is Randy Couture? 504 00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:15,586 Mr. Couture came in second on the 9th season of "Dancing With The Celebrities". 505 00:33:16,260 --> 00:33:20,492 Actually, I'm a former UFC heavyweight champion and inductee into the UFC Hall of Fame, 506 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:23,433 but, you gotta be talking about Chuck Liddell. 507 00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:27,269 Who was, what, ninth on that dance show? And I'm... 508 00:33:27,438 --> 00:33:29,303 way better looking than he is. 509 00:33:29,874 --> 00:33:32,242 Mr. Couture is a mixed martial arts legend. 510 00:33:32,276 --> 00:33:33,770 This guy practically invented the sport. 511 00:33:33,811 --> 00:33:35,545 What is he talking about? 512 00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:40,282 That shit ain't a sport. Just a buncha ass-grabbin' homos 513 00:33:40,307 --> 00:33:42,607 who didn't get enough lovin' from their mothers. 514 00:33:42,620 --> 00:33:45,184 Is he gonna teach us to dance like a star? 515 00:33:45,223 --> 00:33:49,091 Oh, ho, ho, I wish! Mr. Couture was nice enough to come down and teach us some of the 516 00:33:49,394 --> 00:33:52,295 basic movements of mixed martial arts. 517 00:33:52,330 --> 00:33:55,265 He's gonna show you some pretty neat stuff, 518 00:33:55,299 --> 00:33:56,425 so you can protect yourself, 519 00:33:56,467 --> 00:33:58,367 should the need arise. 520 00:33:58,403 --> 00:33:59,461 So... 521 00:34:11,282 --> 00:34:15,412 let's get ready to wrestle! 522 00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:23,258 Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen. I'm very excited to be here this afternoon, 523 00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:25,455 although not quite as excited as Greg here. 524 00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:28,298 How many of you have seen what we do in the Octagon? 525 00:34:30,501 --> 00:34:34,437 Okay. Well, we could do a demonstration, so... I need a volunteer. 526 00:34:37,275 --> 00:34:38,264 How about you, sir? 527 00:34:38,376 --> 00:34:40,310 I want to demonstrate some pretty simple techniques 528 00:34:40,311 --> 00:34:42,245 that don't require a lot of speed or strength, 529 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,272 but if you apply them properly, you can take out even the biggest guy. 530 00:34:45,383 --> 00:34:50,320 I want to make sure I isolate that bottom arm, locking out that elbow and that wrist. 531 00:34:50,521 --> 00:34:55,390 And from there, it's pretty easy to escape, or even turn the situation around. 532 00:34:55,426 --> 00:34:58,395 If you're ever attacked from the front, somebody tries to grab you, 533 00:34:59,330 --> 00:35:03,289 I wanna take that arm off, drag it by, and now I get behind my attacker. 534 00:35:03,334 --> 00:35:04,794 From here, I wanna apply a rear choke, 535 00:35:04,835 --> 00:35:06,803 so I'm gonna wrap my arm around his neck, 536 00:35:07,371 --> 00:35:09,498 I'm applying pressure to both those carotid arteries. 537 00:35:09,507 --> 00:35:12,374 I'll lock this technique on, in about 7 seconds 538 00:35:12,410 --> 00:35:14,275 my attacker will pass out. 539 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:17,380 Now, you're a big strong guy. 540 00:35:17,482 --> 00:35:20,246 - You wanna try that technique? - Okay. 541 00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:23,982 Okay, again. The rear choke, he wraps the arm around the neck. 542 00:35:24,489 --> 00:35:27,420 All right, let's slide this hand behind that's gonna make it nice and tight. 543 00:35:28,392 --> 00:35:32,419 Now from here, if I let him apply the choke, he starts to cut off the blood... Hey, hey, hey... 544 00:35:32,497 --> 00:35:34,294 that's gettin' tight. 545 00:35:34,332 --> 00:35:36,357 He starts to... and, uh... and... 546 00:35:40,238 --> 00:35:41,227 Oh my god! 547 00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,305 Oh! My god!! 548 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:46,435 Does anyone have a camera? 549 00:35:47,345 --> 00:35:50,405 This'll be perfect for my Facebook page. 550 00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:11,233 You guys pickin' up some costumes for your grandkids? 551 00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,402 - (mumbling) - What? 552 00:36:14,272 --> 00:36:15,466 - (mumbling) - What? 553 00:36:15,473 --> 00:36:19,409 Go fuck yourself. 554 00:36:20,378 --> 00:36:21,470 Oh... 555 00:36:22,313 --> 00:36:25,510 Douchebag says "what". And I said "what". 556 00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:29,244 Do you believe that salesman talking about the grandchildren? 557 00:36:29,269 --> 00:36:31,254 Like we came here for grandchildren. 558 00:36:31,255 --> 00:36:33,223 - Do you believe that? - What a nerd. Ooh! 559 00:36:33,257 --> 00:36:35,225 This is the row. 560 00:36:35,293 --> 00:36:37,061 - This is the row. - Oh, really? 561 00:36:37,095 --> 00:36:38,255 - Yeah. - Yeah? 562 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,462 Yeah. 563 00:36:39,463 --> 00:36:41,294 - Oh, yeah. - Sexy? 564 00:36:41,332 --> 00:36:42,501 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 565 00:36:42,526 --> 00:36:44,526 Oh-ho yeah! 566 00:37:35,353 --> 00:37:37,412 Here! Try these on. 567 00:37:41,492 --> 00:37:43,357 So how do I look? 568 00:37:44,528 --> 00:37:46,393 Really scary. 569 00:37:47,365 --> 00:37:49,230 Is the air conditioning on? 570 00:37:50,334 --> 00:37:52,325 Seems a little cool in here. 571 00:38:00,344 --> 00:38:03,211 Hey, old timers, you wanna buy a map to the star's homes? 572 00:38:03,247 --> 00:38:04,407 You got Brangelina? 573 00:38:04,548 --> 00:38:06,482 - Sure. - You gonna ask her out? 574 00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:10,311 - It depends. - Say, you got any black people in there? 575 00:38:11,089 --> 00:38:14,058 - Tiger? - Oh! He's my hero! 576 00:38:14,258 --> 00:38:15,486 He's a master sexter! 577 00:38:15,526 --> 00:38:17,323 Wait a minute. 578 00:38:17,361 --> 00:38:20,296 - He's black? - Yeah. 579 00:38:20,398 --> 00:38:22,332 Really? 580 00:38:26,437 --> 00:38:28,462 He's nice. 581 00:38:29,941 --> 00:38:31,101 Nice costume. 582 00:38:31,542 --> 00:38:34,238 You too. 583 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,309 Trick or treat! 584 00:38:46,424 --> 00:38:49,393 That's a damn good question you've asked, fellows. 585 00:38:49,427 --> 00:38:51,258 This "Trick or Treat." 586 00:38:52,263 --> 00:38:54,322 Quite the conundrum, really. 587 00:38:55,433 --> 00:38:57,367 Having said that, 588 00:38:57,468 --> 00:39:00,232 my costumed friends, 589 00:39:00,271 --> 00:39:04,207 as fate would have it, I, too, have a question. 590 00:39:05,309 --> 00:39:07,470 Brace yourselves, it's a doozy. 591 00:39:08,379 --> 00:39:10,313 Which one of you pricks can guess, 592 00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:13,317 what I've buried under my house... 593 00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:17,287 Where you going? Hey! 594 00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:20,388 I got Reese's Pieces in here. 595 00:39:20,491 --> 00:39:23,324 And Winston Lights, come back! 596 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,426 I'll be right back. 597 00:39:32,069 --> 00:39:33,127 I gotta do somethin'. 598 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:37,432 I wasted a whole hour watchin' this douchebag's TV show. 599 00:39:53,457 --> 00:39:56,290 Happy Halloween. 600 00:39:57,361 --> 00:39:58,453 Sir? 601 00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:01,488 Are you... is this ding dong ditch? 602 00:40:02,299 --> 00:40:03,459 By a hundred-year-old? 603 00:40:05,369 --> 00:40:08,304 Is this you running away? Sir? 604 00:40:08,339 --> 00:40:10,500 That's funny. That's very funny. 605 00:40:12,276 --> 00:40:14,506 You're not... you're not moving very fast, sir. I could... 606 00:40:15,312 --> 00:40:18,247 come down there and stick a candy bar up your fuckin' ass. 607 00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:19,407 If I felt like it. 608 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:21,350 Sir. 609 00:40:21,519 --> 00:40:23,384 Have I done something to offend you? 610 00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,355 In the past? I'm just curious 611 00:40:25,356 --> 00:40:28,416 because I'm just sitting on my couch, waiting for obnoxious children 612 00:40:28,459 --> 00:40:31,257 dressed like Spiderman. 613 00:40:31,329 --> 00:40:33,297 Fuck you, sir. Fuck you. 614 00:40:33,531 --> 00:40:35,465 Okay? 615 00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:37,358 Fuck you! 616 00:40:38,402 --> 00:40:42,270 I hope you have a fuckin'... horrible birthday, if you ever have one... again. 617 00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:46,300 Now I'm fuckin' depressed. 618 00:40:52,516 --> 00:40:54,313 Is this my man's place? 619 00:40:54,351 --> 00:40:56,285 I think so. 620 00:41:03,494 --> 00:41:06,361 - Hey, fellows. - Trick or treat! 621 00:41:07,331 --> 00:41:10,459 Come on, isn't there an age limit on trick or treating? 622 00:41:10,501 --> 00:41:12,492 Just give us some candy, bitch. 623 00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:18,239 Wow... well, Mr. Geezer, perhaps you've had a little too much sugar, huh? 624 00:41:18,242 --> 00:41:22,235 Look, I'm a rich fucker, how did you get in here? Right? There's a security guy out there. 625 00:41:22,346 --> 00:41:24,405 I don't like old people coming in and I just... 626 00:41:24,515 --> 00:41:27,279 Get the fuck out of my place. This is my house! 627 00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,419 I didn't get any candy. 628 00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,461 Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. 629 00:42:30,347 --> 00:42:34,306 So, who'd be the bitch now, bi-atch? 630 00:42:40,324 --> 00:42:42,485 So let's see, where we are right now. 631 00:42:44,495 --> 00:42:46,429 What's this? 632 00:42:48,365 --> 00:42:54,361 Hey, hey, hey! Shh, shh, shh! Guys, keep it down just a little bit, okay? My wife's sleeping. 633 00:42:54,471 --> 00:42:56,302 Is this it? 634 00:42:56,373 --> 00:42:59,140 Oh, this is my office-slash-mancave. 635 00:42:59,176 --> 00:43:02,370 - It's where I do most of my work. - Where's the indoor pool, and the manservant? 636 00:43:02,446 --> 00:43:05,438 Come on, inside voice, okay? I gave Cheswick the night off. 637 00:43:05,482 --> 00:43:08,417 Somebody wake me when it's time to go, this place is boring as shit. 638 00:43:09,286 --> 00:43:11,345 What's with all the boxes? Are you moving? 639 00:43:11,522 --> 00:43:13,490 No. No, um... 640 00:43:14,391 --> 00:43:19,390 A while back, my... my mother had a bad fall and broke her hip, so you know, 641 00:43:19,415 --> 00:43:21,415 we had to put her in a rest home, I'm... 642 00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,267 - I'm goin' through her stuff. - Where is she? 643 00:43:24,368 --> 00:43:27,428 - Nancy Gaye. - Jesus Christ! 644 00:43:27,453 --> 00:43:29,405 Why in the world would you put her there? 645 00:43:29,406 --> 00:43:33,240 - What? What's wrong with it? - Talk about boring, why don't you just ship her straight to the morgue? 646 00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:35,302 Come on, it's not that bad. 647 00:43:35,412 --> 00:43:38,279 - "It's not that bad?" - When was the last time you were there? 648 00:43:41,485 --> 00:43:44,283 Another ungrateful kid. 649 00:43:45,422 --> 00:43:47,253 I just... 650 00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:51,292 I just can't see her like that. 651 00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:56,333 Will somebody help me down from here? 652 00:43:59,403 --> 00:44:03,362 - Nice wheels! - Yeah, I'm proud of Buster Hymen. 653 00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:09,345 I got a dual 12-volt, 95 amp-hour, deep-cycle, lead-acid sealed battery 654 00:44:09,547 --> 00:44:17,515 with removable armrests for maximum maneuverability, there's tracks in back, for snow, mud, and deep sand 655 00:44:18,522 --> 00:44:22,390 high performance hybrid tires for off-roadin' 656 00:44:23,293 --> 00:44:24,453 leather seat, 657 00:44:25,462 --> 00:44:31,367 and double-reinforced hand grips for superior handling and enhanced control. 658 00:44:33,270 --> 00:44:34,430 What do you need all that for? 659 00:44:45,315 --> 00:44:46,441 Victor! 660 00:44:55,325 --> 00:44:57,293 Damn! 661 00:45:35,365 --> 00:45:40,530 Come on, come on, come on, hurry! Come on, you can! 662 00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:47,442 Congratulations. 663 00:45:52,382 --> 00:45:57,376 Welcome everyone. It is so nice to see you all. 664 00:45:58,422 --> 00:46:01,414 I am excited about our project today. 665 00:46:01,492 --> 00:46:03,426 Because... 666 00:46:04,261 --> 00:46:08,391 we are going to try something a little different. 667 00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:11,461 Come on in. 668 00:46:11,535 --> 00:46:14,368 Come on, don't be shy. 669 00:46:15,339 --> 00:46:17,330 This is Luke, everyone. 670 00:46:17,407 --> 00:46:21,309 Luke, you just step right up here and turn around and, um... 671 00:46:21,378 --> 00:46:25,439 Well... 672 00:46:25,482 --> 00:46:28,474 - Oh, my! - Meh! 673 00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:31,344 No. 674 00:46:43,433 --> 00:46:46,459 Well. Oh, Bernard. 675 00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:50,273 - You're joining us today. - They canceled Bingo. 676 00:46:50,340 --> 00:46:54,299 Well, it's very nice to have you. Just come right over here, 677 00:46:54,545 --> 00:46:57,480 I have a chair for you, right next to Victor. 678 00:46:58,348 --> 00:47:02,485 Okay, here's the chair. Oops, there you go. And... 679 00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:07,549 Never thought I'd be sittin' in a girlie class with peckerwoods like you. 680 00:47:08,292 --> 00:47:10,419 We got a nude model today. 681 00:47:10,527 --> 00:47:12,495 - Go on! - Yep. 682 00:47:13,430 --> 00:47:15,330 Big titties? 683 00:47:16,433 --> 00:47:19,266 Oh... very well endowed. 684 00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:22,362 Well, wait till she gets a load of Big Sexy. 685 00:47:23,273 --> 00:47:27,437 Okay, class, now, let's begin 686 00:47:27,544 --> 00:47:33,505 by entering the clay with our hands and taking hold of it. 687 00:47:34,484 --> 00:47:37,615 Yes, let it envelop your imagination... 688 00:47:37,822 --> 00:47:39,915 as it does your fingertips. 689 00:47:41,391 --> 00:47:47,425 Oh, become one with its and soft, pliable wetness. 690 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:52,825 Let go of your inhibitions and mold the piece to your will. 691 00:47:53,503 --> 00:47:59,305 Now, maybe you want to focus on one certain area... 692 00:48:00,444 --> 00:48:04,346 Like, um... the eyes, or... 693 00:48:05,515 --> 00:48:07,346 the feet... 694 00:48:07,417 --> 00:48:09,248 for example. 695 00:48:09,319 --> 00:48:14,416 Or, maybe just the overall essence of the model. 696 00:48:15,425 --> 00:48:18,223 Oh, knead and stretch, 697 00:48:18,262 --> 00:48:21,425 pull, prod, and twist the clay 698 00:48:21,498 --> 00:48:23,466 into submission. 699 00:48:28,272 --> 00:48:30,263 Uh... Well, let's see what we have here. 700 00:48:30,507 --> 00:48:35,501 Oh, my! That's very van Gogh, Rex. 701 00:48:37,381 --> 00:48:40,282 Oh, why that's excellent realism, Ruth. 702 00:48:40,517 --> 00:48:42,451 And very nice, Mary. 703 00:48:43,487 --> 00:48:45,455 Mary? 704 00:48:45,480 --> 00:48:47,080 Ah-hah... 705 00:48:47,491 --> 00:48:51,325 Oh, Victor! Victor, um... 706 00:48:52,396 --> 00:48:54,261 Yes! 707 00:48:54,531 --> 00:48:56,465 And Bernard! 708 00:48:56,901 --> 00:48:58,892 Bernard, that's very imaginative. 709 00:48:59,369 --> 00:49:03,237 That is very good use of personal interpretation. 710 00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:09,336 Oh, and please. Please feel free to use your hands on the model, to mold what you see. 711 00:49:09,413 --> 00:49:14,441 I mean, after all, art is as much about feeling as it is about seeing. 712 00:49:15,285 --> 00:49:17,378 Damn, this must be my lucky day. 713 00:49:17,487 --> 00:49:19,352 Oh, I wish it were me. 714 00:49:19,389 --> 00:49:21,254 Come on, I'll take you to the model. 715 00:49:21,592 --> 00:49:23,560 All rightie? Here we go. 716 00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:29,956 And I have a chair for you... have a seat right here, there you go. 717 00:49:30,768 --> 00:49:34,795 And I'll just wheel you right up here, and here... 718 00:49:34,939 --> 00:49:36,839 let's begin with the foot. 719 00:49:38,364 --> 00:49:40,364 Oh! Ooh... 720 00:49:42,312 --> 00:49:44,371 Big Sexy likes your feet. 721 00:49:47,851 --> 00:49:49,045 Oh! And you work out, too. 722 00:49:53,357 --> 00:49:55,484 You need to shave more often, baby. 723 00:49:56,293 --> 00:49:57,453 Ooh, that's hot! 724 00:49:58,495 --> 00:50:01,487 Come to papa, Sugar Bush! 725 00:50:02,065 --> 00:50:05,193 Oh-oh! We got us a problem here. 726 00:50:05,903 --> 00:50:08,872 I don't think you sugar, because that sure ain't no bush. 727 00:50:09,373 --> 00:50:11,432 Gotcha. 728 00:50:16,413 --> 00:50:19,382 Well, I hope you get a refund from the rabbi. 729 00:50:28,058 --> 00:50:30,083 Still your turn, Rex. 730 00:50:34,431 --> 00:50:37,366 What's, uh... what's that little transaction there? What do you keep handing her? 731 00:50:37,401 --> 00:50:39,335 Oh, just makin' some extra cash. 732 00:50:39,436 --> 00:50:42,496 - Extra cash? - Yeah, I sell my Percocet and Vicodin. 733 00:50:43,473 --> 00:50:45,338 You're a drug dealer? 734 00:50:45,375 --> 00:50:49,402 No, I'm not a drug dealer, I just sell drugs people want to buy. That's all. 735 00:50:50,514 --> 00:50:55,315 - You guys are really not what I expected. - It's a good way to help pay some of the bills. 736 00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:58,479 Since they legalized medicinal marijuana, been a windfall for us. 737 00:50:58,956 --> 00:51:01,083 - So you're a drug dealer too? - I'm not a drug dealer. 738 00:51:01,491 --> 00:51:06,428 You just go to the doctor and you say "Oh, Doc, I have terrible migraines this week." 739 00:51:06,496 --> 00:51:11,297 And then next thing you know you got 500 bucks in ganja and Medicare covers the bill. 740 00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,234 Your tax dollars at work. 741 00:51:13,303 --> 00:51:15,872 - See that dried-up prune over there? - Yes. 742 00:51:15,939 --> 00:51:18,874 She's been screwin' his brains out for months, just for his drugs! 743 00:51:19,342 --> 00:51:20,810 That's not his granddaughter? 744 00:51:20,945 --> 00:51:24,076 Uh-uh... She found him on Craigslist. 745 00:51:25,015 --> 00:51:25,982 That's pretty sad! 746 00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:27,072 Not for him. 747 00:51:27,951 --> 00:51:28,918 So what did you expect? 748 00:51:29,152 --> 00:51:30,817 What do you mean? 749 00:51:30,854 --> 00:51:33,948 I mean, since we're not what you expected, then what did you expect? 750 00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:36,783 - Oh, uh, I don't know... - Don't be a pussy now, 751 00:51:36,860 --> 00:51:42,093 - Well, I guess I thought you'd be... - Sitting around, waiting to die? 752 00:51:42,900 --> 00:51:44,959 Yeah, sort of... 753 00:51:45,002 --> 00:51:47,869 Depressed, decrepit and useless? 754 00:51:48,906 --> 00:51:49,998 A little, maybe... 755 00:51:50,074 --> 00:51:52,042 Angry, bitter, and rude? 756 00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:55,173 All right, look. I admit, I was buyin' into a stereotype, forgive me, 757 00:51:55,245 --> 00:52:00,179 but... let's face it, there's a lot of stuff you guys just can't do like you used to... 758 00:52:00,217 --> 00:52:04,119 and Rex, he wouldn't remember to eat lunch if it wasn't written down on a note somewhere. 759 00:52:06,890 --> 00:52:07,857 That's true, 760 00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:12,628 but I bet you any one of us here is more content with his life 761 00:52:12,930 --> 00:52:14,090 than you are. 762 00:52:22,940 --> 00:52:24,905 Percocet? 763 00:52:28,245 --> 00:52:31,305 - Hey Sandy, only two today. - Oh, good! 764 00:52:31,849 --> 00:52:34,010 It's here! It's here! 765 00:52:34,084 --> 00:52:37,918 Ruth? I've never seen you so excited before! 766 00:52:38,021 --> 00:52:40,990 Oh, it's it! It's the DVD! 767 00:52:41,058 --> 00:52:43,891 It's here! 768 00:52:43,961 --> 00:52:47,988 Oh, baby! I've been waiting for you! 769 00:52:52,970 --> 00:52:55,029 Virgin territory! 770 00:52:55,139 --> 00:52:58,973 Excuse me ma'am, may help carry your package to your room? 771 00:52:59,042 --> 00:53:04,105 Honey, you can carry mine, if I can carry yours! 772 00:53:22,966 --> 00:53:24,900 Looking sharp there, Victor! 773 00:53:25,002 --> 00:53:27,095 - Nice hat. - Thank you. 774 00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:34,909 - Oh, um... where's Rex!? - Yes, where is Rex? 775 00:53:43,887 --> 00:53:46,048 And the music's even shittier than last year! 776 00:53:46,256 --> 00:53:48,923 Any hot bitches around? Ow! 777 00:53:49,092 --> 00:53:51,959 - Josephine... - She's married! 778 00:53:51,995 --> 00:53:52,962 Buford dies last month! 779 00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:54,052 Really! 780 00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:55,887 Pay up! 781 00:53:57,901 --> 00:53:58,925 Take it! 782 00:54:00,337 --> 00:54:03,033 So she's on the rebound, eh? 783 00:54:03,106 --> 00:54:05,165 Oh, she's on the ultimate rebound. 784 00:54:05,475 --> 00:54:08,142 I'll have to tap that ass! 785 00:54:08,211 --> 00:54:11,305 Give her my number! 786 00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:21,316 Thanks everyone for joining us for our sixth annual Moonlight Hootenanny! 787 00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:25,289 This year's theme will incorporate our "Going Green" initiative, 788 00:54:25,796 --> 00:54:28,993 there'll be a lot of special editions and exciting changes in the coming weeks. 789 00:54:30,067 --> 00:54:31,329 I wanna give a shout-out to Edith 790 00:54:31,769 --> 00:54:34,162 for providing tonight's exciting ear candy, 791 00:54:34,237 --> 00:54:39,174 and remind everyone of our special "Ladies' Choice Dance," so... 792 00:54:39,242 --> 00:54:41,301 without further ado, 793 00:54:42,312 --> 00:54:45,145 Now... it's a party! 794 00:54:45,215 --> 00:54:47,240 What is with the shit-eating grin? 795 00:54:48,350 --> 00:54:51,786 Things are gonna start looking up around here! 796 00:54:52,189 --> 00:54:54,350 ♪ I'm too sexy for my love ♪ 797 00:54:54,375 --> 00:54:59,275 ♪ Too sexy for my love ♪ ♪ Love's going to leave me ♪ 798 00:55:15,512 --> 00:55:17,873 ♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt ♪ 799 00:55:17,898 --> 00:55:22,898 ♪ Too sexy for my shirt ♪ ♪ So sexy it hurts ♪ 800 00:55:23,259 --> 00:55:25,623 ♪ I'm too sexy for Milan ♪ 801 00:55:25,648 --> 00:55:30,648 ♪ Too sexy for Milan ♪ ♪ New York and Japan ♪ 802 00:55:38,771 --> 00:55:41,571 ♪ I'm too sexy for your party ♪ 803 00:55:41,796 --> 00:55:46,071 ♪ Too sexy for your party ♪ ♪ The way I'm disco dancing ♪ 804 00:55:46,806 --> 00:55:49,996 ♪ I'm a model ♪ ♪ You know what I mean ♪ 805 00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:53,621 ♪ And I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪ 806 00:55:53,846 --> 00:55:58,146 ♪ Yeah, on the catwalk ♪ ♪ On the catwalk, yeah ♪ 807 00:55:58,171 --> 00:56:01,671 ♪ I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪ 808 00:56:11,134 --> 00:56:12,362 Oh! I think I'm stuck! 809 00:57:20,721 --> 00:57:23,651 Hey, hey... I got the munchies. 810 00:57:24,540 --> 00:57:27,566 Let's find Rex and get the hell out of here! 811 00:57:51,288 --> 00:57:55,264 ♪ Face down, ass up ♪ ♪ That's the way we like to fuck ♪ 812 00:57:58,911 --> 00:58:02,811 ♪ Face down, ass up ♪ ♪ That's the way we like to fuck ♪ 813 00:58:03,036 --> 00:58:04,617 ♪ I'm lookin' for a bitch to spend the night ♪ 814 00:58:04,642 --> 00:58:06,520 ♪ Do the crazy thing while I fuck all night ♪ 815 00:58:06,545 --> 00:58:08,209 ♪ I make her do things like nothing before ♪ 816 00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,184 ♪ And when I'm done, she'll always be sore ♪ 817 00:58:10,209 --> 00:58:11,512 ♪ From the things I do when I'm fuckin' ♪ 818 00:58:11,870 --> 00:58:13,892 ♪ And when I'm tired, the bitches start suckin' ♪ 819 00:58:13,917 --> 00:58:15,641 ♪ I double team with a friend of mine ♪ 820 00:58:15,666 --> 00:58:17,513 ♪ Luke's in front and I'm behind ♪ 821 00:58:17,538 --> 00:58:19,307 ♪ Just ridin' you like a pony ♪ 822 00:58:19,332 --> 00:58:21,521 ♪ While you suck my dick, makin' me horny ♪ 823 00:58:21,546 --> 00:58:23,246 ♪ Then all of a sudden we'll switch positions ♪ 824 00:58:23,271 --> 00:58:25,080 ♪ Prop your ass up and freak the pushin' ♪ 825 00:58:25,105 --> 00:58:26,942 ♪ And when I cum, you'll hear me roar ♪ 826 00:58:26,967 --> 00:58:28,533 ♪ I'll treat any bitch like a whore ♪ 827 00:58:28,558 --> 00:58:30,611 ♪ 'Cause it's the way I like to fuck ♪ 828 00:58:30,636 --> 00:58:33,026 ♪ It's face down and ass up! ♪ 829 00:58:33,309 --> 00:58:36,035 (indistinct) 830 00:58:36,213 --> 00:58:37,913 Fuck that burger! 831 00:58:43,150 --> 00:58:44,509 Fuck! 832 00:58:44,587 --> 00:58:45,645 It's the cops! 833 00:58:45,722 --> 00:58:49,419 Everybody run! 834 00:58:57,700 --> 00:59:00,567 Driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. 835 00:59:01,671 --> 00:59:02,695 Turn the camera off! 836 00:59:03,606 --> 00:59:05,540 - J? Is that you? - Hi, Kev. 837 00:59:05,608 --> 00:59:07,576 - Doin' some research. - No problem. 838 00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,648 Have you been drinking tonight, sir? 839 00:59:14,751 --> 00:59:16,582 I don't think so. 840 00:59:16,652 --> 00:59:20,588 It was my turn to be the designated driver. 841 00:59:20,690 --> 00:59:23,682 - Right guys? - Yes, yes! - Yeah. 842 00:59:23,707 --> 00:59:26,707 Face down, ass up That's the way I like to fuck 843 00:59:27,597 --> 00:59:28,689 Turn the music off! 844 00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:32,457 Always pulling over the black guy! 845 00:59:35,205 --> 00:59:36,263 Get out of the car, sir. 846 00:59:36,639 --> 00:59:41,541 Okay sir, I'm gonna administer some tests to find out if you're too impaired to operate a motor vehicle. 847 00:59:42,212 --> 00:59:46,408 The first thing I want you to do is take your index finger, 848 00:59:46,482 --> 00:59:50,316 tilt your head back, and touch the tip of your finger to the tip of your nose, 849 00:59:50,586 --> 00:59:52,679 in this manner, and alternate. 850 01:00:00,630 --> 01:00:01,995 Okay, next... 851 01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:05,966 I want you to count backwards from 78 to 69. 852 01:00:06,536 --> 01:00:07,696 69... 853 01:00:08,504 --> 01:00:09,732 70! 854 01:00:10,473 --> 01:00:12,498 72 .. 855 01:00:12,608 --> 01:00:14,701 73 .. 856 01:00:15,611 --> 01:00:17,442 Okay. Okay, we're almost done. 857 01:00:17,547 --> 01:00:19,839 I want you to walk a straight line, 858 01:00:19,916 --> 01:00:22,749 now I want you to do it heel-to-toe, just like this... 859 01:00:25,688 --> 01:00:27,051 Then turn around, 860 01:00:27,123 --> 01:00:28,055 and walk back. 861 01:00:37,066 --> 01:00:40,092 Uh, Sir! Sir, sir, sir, sir! 862 01:00:40,370 --> 01:00:43,430 Based on my observations, I believe you've had too much to drink. 863 01:00:43,706 --> 01:00:45,503 Have I? 864 01:00:45,575 --> 01:00:50,444 This is a breathalyzer. I want you to blow into the breathalyzer until I say stop. 865 01:00:55,151 --> 01:00:56,118 - There. - Here... 866 01:00:57,453 --> 01:01:05,622 Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow! 867 01:01:05,695 --> 01:01:07,720 And stop. 868 01:01:13,703 --> 01:01:15,667 I'll be! You're clean. 869 01:01:15,839 --> 01:01:16,931 Told you. 870 01:01:17,740 --> 01:01:21,540 Look, you're free to go, but, will you speed up? 871 01:01:26,749 --> 01:01:29,650 Say... thanks for lettin' me drive. 872 01:01:30,253 --> 01:01:31,481 I always wanted to do that. 873 01:01:33,723 --> 01:01:35,588 That was you? 874 01:01:36,726 --> 01:01:40,457 Now, time for a booty call. 875 01:01:41,731 --> 01:01:46,725 This is Ruth! Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't come to the phone right now. 876 01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:49,737 I learned how to give a great BJ. 877 01:01:50,606 --> 01:01:52,631 Oh, yeah. 878 01:01:58,581 --> 01:02:00,549 I feel like shit. 879 01:02:01,717 --> 01:02:03,685 That's disgusting! 880 01:02:14,330 --> 01:02:17,458 These fuckin' low-flow toilets don't flush a thing. 881 01:02:18,067 --> 01:02:19,261 I'm too old for this shit! 882 01:02:20,136 --> 01:02:21,398 I'm gonna stop drinking for good. 883 01:02:22,071 --> 01:02:23,197 I mean it this time. 884 01:02:30,246 --> 01:02:33,215 Well, like they say down south... 885 01:02:33,983 --> 01:02:35,377 We gonna see y'all now, hear? 886 01:03:26,169 --> 01:03:27,758 You guys sure know how to party. 887 01:03:28,037 --> 01:03:30,028 Oh-ho! You should've seen Victor. 888 01:03:30,273 --> 01:03:33,174 I thought I was gonna die last night. 889 01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:39,080 You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys. Are you afraid of dying? 890 01:03:39,148 --> 01:03:41,207 - Nah. - I'm not afraid of dying. 891 01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:43,251 I'm afraid of outliving my money. 892 01:03:44,187 --> 01:03:46,178 I can afford to live about six more years. 893 01:03:46,289 --> 01:03:48,223 I can afford about five. 894 01:03:48,291 --> 01:03:49,280 And then what? 895 01:03:53,129 --> 01:03:57,156 But... but the idea of death itself, you don't, you don't find that scary? 896 01:03:58,234 --> 01:04:00,031 - Nah. - Oh, hell no! 897 01:04:00,269 --> 01:04:02,134 In fact... 898 01:04:02,271 --> 01:04:04,136 we got a death pool. 899 01:04:05,041 --> 01:04:06,167 A death pool?! 900 01:04:06,242 --> 01:04:08,073 Yeah, see? 901 01:04:08,244 --> 01:04:10,303 You pick who you think is next to die. 902 01:04:11,114 --> 01:04:13,048 If you're right, you win. 903 01:04:13,216 --> 01:04:15,116 What if two guys pick the same person to die? 904 01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:20,212 Well then, we use cause of death. Heart attack, stroke... 905 01:04:20,323 --> 01:04:22,314 See? Whoever gets the closest. 906 01:04:23,126 --> 01:04:26,186 Don't some people find the idea of a "death pool" a little offensive? 907 01:04:26,262 --> 01:04:29,163 Well, you don't have to play if you don't want to, but most everyone does. 908 01:04:29,298 --> 01:04:32,028 Some that do, I won 100 bucks last month. 909 01:04:32,268 --> 01:04:35,169 - He got lucky with Wilber. - That wasn't luck. 910 01:04:35,271 --> 01:04:37,330 I was watchin' him, he'd been coughing for weeks. 911 01:04:38,074 --> 01:04:40,269 You don't mess around with pneumonia at this age. 912 01:04:41,110 --> 01:04:42,270 Good riddance. 913 01:04:43,046 --> 01:04:47,278 - Good riddance? Come on, the poor guy's dead. - Just because he's dead doesn't mean he... 914 01:04:47,451 --> 01:04:49,476 wasn't an asshole when he was alive. 915 01:04:51,254 --> 01:04:53,188 So, Bernard, who do you have next to go? 916 01:04:53,222 --> 01:04:54,947 - Victor. - Victor?! 917 01:04:54,972 --> 01:04:56,291 Oh, yeah. 918 01:04:56,292 --> 01:04:57,316 Well that's messed up! 919 01:04:58,294 --> 01:05:00,091 How the hell do you have me going? 920 01:05:00,196 --> 01:05:02,221 O.D., drug overdose. 921 01:05:02,331 --> 01:05:05,198 Well then, I'm changing my pick to you. 922 01:05:05,301 --> 01:05:08,168 You'll either get hit by a bus or drown in the pool. 923 01:05:08,304 --> 01:05:10,204 I'll decide later. 924 01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:12,832 All right, so listen, uh... 925 01:05:13,076 --> 01:05:15,237 tomorrow, tomorrow night! Is the big talent show. 926 01:05:15,311 --> 01:05:16,300 You guys ready? 927 01:05:17,213 --> 01:05:19,113 Ready as I'll ever be. 928 01:05:19,215 --> 01:05:20,773 I've been practicing for weeks. 929 01:05:21,084 --> 01:05:24,019 I'm tellin' you, nobody stands a chance against me. 930 01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:26,713 Oh, I don't know. From what I've heard, you may have some stiff competition. 931 01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:30,116 Well that ain't the only thing stiff around here. 932 01:05:32,095 --> 01:05:33,289 Where the hell's my phone? 933 01:05:34,163 --> 01:05:37,030 I'm always losing the damn thing when I'm drunk. 934 01:05:40,203 --> 01:05:43,138 So, these old geezers have a lot of life left in 'em. 935 01:05:43,239 --> 01:05:45,632 I don't know, maybe getting old isn't the worst thing in the world. 936 01:05:46,275 --> 01:05:49,176 Beats the alternative, as they say. 937 01:06:10,066 --> 01:06:11,328 Nancy Gaye Nursing Home... 938 01:06:12,034 --> 01:06:15,094 Hi, can you please connect me with Pat Kimball's room? 939 01:06:25,348 --> 01:06:29,079 Boys, I'd like you to meet my Mom. 940 01:06:31,187 --> 01:06:33,087 She's hot. 941 01:07:13,829 --> 01:07:19,289 I know everyone has been diligently rehearsing their numbers and is ready to show you their stuff! 942 01:07:19,468 --> 01:07:21,493 Get on with it! 943 01:08:32,141 --> 01:08:34,041 Cut! Cut! Cut it now! 944 01:08:34,110 --> 01:08:37,045 - That was good! Uh, Pete, did you get that? - Yeah, I got it. 945 01:08:37,113 --> 01:08:40,082 Okay, then print it. Nice job! It's a wrap! 946 01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:46,412 Cut! That... It sucked. 947 01:08:46,521 --> 01:08:49,856 Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! It sucks. It's... 948 01:08:49,958 --> 01:08:53,017 I wouldn't use this... as fill in a porno. 949 01:08:53,129 --> 01:08:59,227 Cut! Cut! Cut! One word review: shit sandwich. 950 01:09:00,202 --> 01:09:05,230 Cut! Cut! It's just... they're... you're not... the whole thing is it's... 951 01:09:07,076 --> 01:09:08,236 it's no good. 952 01:13:58,129 --> 01:14:00,157 A woman goes to a gynecologist. 953 01:14:00,482 --> 01:14:05,141 She says, "Doctor, I can't find my pussy cat!" 954 01:14:05,166 --> 01:14:08,761 The doctor says, "..." 955 01:14:11,986 --> 01:14:17,213 Guy comes home, and he says, "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!" 956 01:14:18,238 --> 01:14:20,238 "Where are we going?" 957 01:14:20,263 --> 01:14:23,363 "I don't care! Just get the fuck out!" 957 01:14:24,305 --> 01:14:30,178 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org