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NARRATOR: It has been said that
magic vanished from our world
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a long time ago,
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and that humanity can no
longer fulfill its desires
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through the power of wishes.
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To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,
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submitted here is
the story of a little boy
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and a magical
Christmas wish
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that changed
his life forever.
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It began in 1985, in a
town just outside Boston.
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It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.
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That special time of year
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when Boston children
gather together
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and beat up the Jewish kids.
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Hey, Greenbaum!
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Uh-oh.
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Get him!
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(KIDS YELLING)
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But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.
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Little John Bennett,
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that one boy in
every neighborhood
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who just has a tough time
making friends.
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Hey, guys, can I play?
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Get out of here, Bennett.
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Get lost, Bennett!
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Get out of here, Bennett!
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Yeah, Bennett,
get lost.
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(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
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John longed
with all his heart
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for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.
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And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,
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he would never let him go.
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Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.
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All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.
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And for little John Bennett,
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Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.
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Wow!
(JOHN'S DAD CHUCKLES)
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I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?
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Aw! Merry Christmas, John.
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RECORDED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
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He talks!
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(JOHN'S DAD LAUGHS)
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I'm going to
name you Teddy.
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NARRATOR: John became
instantly attached to Teddy.
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There was something
about that bear
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that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend
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with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.
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RECORDED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
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I love you, too, Teddy.
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You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.
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Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.
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NARRATOR: Now, if there's one
thing you can be sure of,
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it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.
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Except an Apache helicopter.
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An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.
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It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,
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an absolute death machine.
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Well, as it turned out,
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John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.
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Teddy?
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Teddy?
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Teddy?
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Hug me.
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(SCREAMS)
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You're my best friend, John.
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Did you...
Did you just talk?
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Don't look so surprised.
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You're the one who wished
for it, aren't you?
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Yeah.
I did wish for it.
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Well, here I am.
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You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?
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For real.
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Forever and ever?
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Sounds good to me.
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NARRATOR: John was just about
the happiest boy in the world
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and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.
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Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!
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(CHUCKLES)
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Really? Well, isn't
that exciting.
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No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.
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Merry Christmas,
everybody.
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(SCREAMING)
(DISHES SHATTERING)
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Jesus H. Fuck!
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Let's all be best friends.
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Oh, my God!
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John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.
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But, Dad...
Get over here!
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JOHN'S MOM: Listen to your father!
Come here!
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Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!
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Is it a hugging gun?
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Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!
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I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I
didn't mean to scare anybody.
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I just wanted John
and I to be friends.
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Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last
night that Teddy was alive
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and my wish came true.
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Oh, my God!
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It's a miracle.
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It's a Christmas miracle.
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You're just like
the Baby Jesus.
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NARRATOR: Well, it wasn't long before
the story of John's little miracle
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was sweeping the nation.
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Out of a Boston suburb
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comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...
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A young boy's stuffed animal
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has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...
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Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!
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NARRATOR: Before long, Teddy
had become a huge celebrity
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in his own right.
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(APPLAUSE)
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Hello, Teddy.
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(CHUCKLING) You... you are a...
You surprise me.
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For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.
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I thought you were
going to be funnier.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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NARRATOR: But through
all the fame,
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Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.
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The thunder
can't get us, right?
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Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.
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We're totally safe.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
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Teddy?
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Yeah, John?
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Do you promise we'll
always be together?
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I promise.
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(THUNDER CRASHES LOUDLY)
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Thunder buddies for life.
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Thunder buddies for life.
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And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.
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So, where are
John and Teddy today?
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Well, let me
put it this way.
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No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,
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whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,
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or a talking teddy bear,
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eventually,
nobody gives a shit.
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(WATER BUBBLING)
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(COUGHS)
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Do I dare look
at the clock?
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Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,
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a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.
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That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.
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00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,551
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.
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They're not that bad.
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See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad
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means that
they are that bad.
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Did you ever hear a Boston
girl have an orgasm?
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(IN BOSTON ACCENT) Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!
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Oh, God,
that was so good!
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Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!
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(COUGHS)
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Jesus, this is weak.
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00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:59,118
It's not even getting me high. I got
to have a talk with my weed guy.
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It's working for me.
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I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.
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00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:04,206
I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.
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00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:07,209
No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.
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You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."
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00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:11,839
Is it 9:30?
Yeah.
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Shit, I got to
get to work!
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I don't know
if I can drive!
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00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,553
It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.
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(BRAKES SCREECHING)
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Fuck!
Shit.
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Oh, man!
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TED: Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That
car just came out of nowhere.
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God, is it bad?
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Oh, man!
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John! May I speak
with you, please?
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Shit.
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It's all right, go, go, go.
I'll pull out of here.
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Hi, Thomas, how are you?
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(METAL SCRAPING)
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MAN: Asshole!
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TED: That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.
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John, it's almost 10:00.
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I know, sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.
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What do you mean?
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(STAMMERS)
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00:12:27,957 --> 00:12:31,335
I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.
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00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:34,838
John, all you got to do
is not fuck up
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00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,424
and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.
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00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:39,176
You're the new
branch manager.
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All you've got to do
is not fuck up.
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I realize that.
Good.
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00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:44,890
Glad to hear it.
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Because in a month,
my life could be your life.
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00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:51,772
A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager
186
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,942
who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.
187
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,652
Not a bad life, is it?
188
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,362
No.
189
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,282
I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people
190
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:04,118
because I don't want them
treating me differently.
191
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,123
Boom.
That's me and Skerritt.
192
00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:10,416
Wow.
193
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:12,126
Goddamn right, "Wow."
194
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,128
I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car
195
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,671
and for showing up
late today, all right?
196
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,923
Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.
197
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,591
I will, sir, I promise.
198
00:13:21,010 --> 00:13:22,261
I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.
199
00:13:23,137 --> 00:13:24,138
What?
200
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:25,806
Top Gun.
201
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,516
So?
202
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,226
Tom Skerritt.
203
00:13:30,144 --> 00:13:31,395
I know that.
204
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,646
Get out of here, okay?
205
00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:33,814
Thank you, sir.
206
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,817
All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,
207
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,610
complimentary
map of Boston.
208
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,238
Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.
209
00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:43,073
Thanks.
Thanks so much.
210
00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:45,909
I heard you got busted.
211
00:13:46,744 --> 00:13:49,038
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man.
What happened?
212
00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:52,291
I don't know, I got fucking
wasted last night.
213
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:56,128
My phone says I texted someone at
3:15, asking them to beat me up.
214
00:13:56,545 --> 00:14:00,257
And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."
215
00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:01,467
And you don't remember it?
216
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:02,843
No, same as last time.
217
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,095
It just seems kind
of gay, doesn't it?
218
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,097
I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.
219
00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:09,600
Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?
220
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:11,685
Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?
221
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,520
I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.
222
00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:15,522
I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.
223
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:16,732
I might be gay,
I don't know.
224
00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:18,400
Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?
225
00:14:18,484 --> 00:14:20,027
I might go lay down
in the john.
226
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,695
Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?
227
00:14:21,779 --> 00:14:23,364
Hey, Alix, what's up? You
get in the club last night?
228
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:26,992
I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.
229
00:14:27,076 --> 00:14:28,452
But I made friends
in the line.
230
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:29,828
That's good, I guess.
231
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,539
Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,
232
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:33,624
like something
where they give out
233
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:34,958
free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?
234
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:36,168
For what?
235
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,711
Lori and I have been dating
four years tomorrow.
236
00:14:37,795 --> 00:14:39,463
I want to take her
someplace really nice.
237
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,256
Aw, congratulations, John.
238
00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:43,133
GUY: You guys have been
going out for four years?
239
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,219
My longest relationship
was like six months
240
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,762
and then she farted
in her sleep.
241
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,598
I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
I was gone before she woke up.
242
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,809
You're not
very tolerant, huh?
243
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,310
Lori ever fart
in front of you?
244
00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:54,436
Yeah.
245
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,481
Really?
Yeah, many times.
246
00:14:58,232 --> 00:14:59,983
You Italian?
No.
247
00:15:01,402 --> 00:15:02,444
Why?
248
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,530
Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.
249
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,573
John, look, don't you
think after four years
250
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:08,784
maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?
251
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:09,952
Like what?
252
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:14,039
I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.
253
00:15:14,415 --> 00:15:16,667
Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.
254
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,127
I mean, marriage isn't...
255
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,839
Isn't love enough? I submit
that love is enough.
256
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:25,008
You can put the ring in her
ass, let her fart it out.
257
00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:26,844
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
258
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:34,476
So bad, but so good.
259
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,561
(COUGHS)
260
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,271
Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,
261
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,605
you and I got to
nail down a plan
262
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,190
for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.
263
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,484
No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.
264
00:15:42,568 --> 00:15:43,569
For what?
265
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,612
Well, we've been dating
four years tomorrow.
266
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:47,114
Oh, fuck me. Nice.
267
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,116
Let me ask you something.
268
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,409
You don't think
she's going to be
269
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,869
expecting something big,
do you?
270
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:53,287
What, like anal?
271
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,498
No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.
272
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,293
Oh, fuck that! It's been
four years, Johnny.
273
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,211
You and me have been
together for 27 years.
274
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:04,214
Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?
275
00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:06,175
Where's my ring, motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!
276
00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:08,594
Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!
277
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:09,720
(LAUGHS) All right,
knock it off!
278
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:11,096
All right,
I'm just saying.
279
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:14,057
But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?
280
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:17,436
No, I don't think she is. And, not
only that, it's the wrong time.
281
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:19,980
It's a terrible idea. I
mean, you got the economy.
282
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,065
You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.
283
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,192
I mean, look at Haiti.
284
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,319
I guess I didn't
think about that.
285
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:27,154
Well, that's...
It's a factor.
286
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:28,739
Who are you?
287
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:32,367
Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.
288
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:34,912
This is the American
fantasy, right here.
289
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:38,832
A professional NFL player is
called upon to save the world.
290
00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:41,043
Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!
291
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:43,837
Hey.
Hey, sweetie.
292
00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:44,922
Hey, Lori.
293
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,757
Hi.
Hi.
294
00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:48,008
What do you got there?
295
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:49,134
Turkey burgers.
296
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:50,260
Turkey burgers.
297
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:52,971
Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?
298
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:55,224
Ha-ha. No, just you homos.
299
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:56,558
Whoa!
Whoa!
300
00:16:57,142 --> 00:17:00,270
You kind of just reworded my
joke, but, uh... (CHUCKLES)
301
00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:01,355
How was work?
302
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:02,648
It was fine.
303
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,107
How's your dickhead boss?
304
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,526
Rex is fine.
305
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,403
He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.
306
00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:10,197
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer?
307
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,657
A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?
308
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,534
Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?
309
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,577
Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?
310
00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:17,120
Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?
311
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,205
That's a good one.
312
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:21,667
You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.
313
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:22,834
No, that doesn't work.
314
00:17:22,918 --> 00:17:23,961
Don't ruin it. No.
315
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:25,420
Bullshit!
That totally works.
316
00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:26,505
TED: No, no.
317
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:27,965
Yeah, it does.
It doesn't work.
318
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,383
The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it
319
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,885
and you just put "brewski" at the
end of "Martina Navratilova," so...
320
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,762
I just thought we
were saying funny names.
321
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,098
No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.
322
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:37,391
Otherwise,
where's the challenge?
323
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:39,726
If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word
324
00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:42,729
then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.
325
00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:52,990
Hey.
326
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,616
They found
the missing hikers.
327
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:55,742
They did?
328
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:56,827
Yeah.
What happened?
329
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,537
They said
they got separated
330
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,163
and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock
331
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,582
for like, five days.
332
00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:03,083
Wow.
Mmm.
333
00:18:03,542 --> 00:18:07,045
You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock
334
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,630
I'd chew it off
to get you free.
335
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:10,591
You would?
336
00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:11,758
I sure would.
337
00:18:11,842 --> 00:18:13,302
Is that cannibalism?
338
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:15,846
No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.
339
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,097
Oh, yeah, no!
340
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,932
Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.
341
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,809
Really? 'Cause
that's not what I heard.
342
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:23,937
Well, it's not true, okay?
I'm a classy broad.
343
00:18:24,021 --> 00:18:25,063
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
344
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,441
I can see that.
(SIGHS)
345
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,443
Listen,
speaking of classy,
346
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,653
Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.
347
00:18:31,737 --> 00:18:34,615
So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.
348
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:36,825
I really don't care,
as long as we're together.
349
00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:38,994
Are you kidding me?
350
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,829
No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.
351
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,206
I'm taking you to
the best place in town.
352
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,417
You know I love you.
353
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,337
I love you, too. (LAUGHING)
And you're nasty.
354
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,464
Do you want to get nasty?
355
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,591
You're a nasty girl.
356
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,054
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
357
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:58,805
I don't understand.
358
00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:01,600
Thirty-five years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.
359
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,226
I am not!
360
00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:04,853
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
361
00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:07,648
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
Fucking right.
362
00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:09,650
Let's sing the thunder song.
All right.
363
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,903
BOTH: (SINGING) When you hear the sound
of thunder Don't you get too scared
364
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:16,573
Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words
365
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:20,285
Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick
366
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,330
You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts
367
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:24,414
(BOTH IMITATE FARTING)
368
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:25,707
Ugh!
369
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,503
TED: Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?
370
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,296
I've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.
371
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:45,602
WOMAN:
Good morning, Lori.
372
00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:47,396
Good morning.
373
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,609
(SIGHS)
374
00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:54,486
Okay. You okay
there, sweetheart?
375
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:56,530
(GRUNTS) You look a
little flustered.
376
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:57,656
I'm fine, I'm fine,
377
00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,908
I just didn't have time for
breakfast and the garage was full,
378
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:02,160
oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm
379
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:03,453
without his teddy bear.
380
00:20:03,829 --> 00:20:05,539
I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.
381
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:09,292
Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's
working for a rental car service.
382
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:11,211
You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.
383
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:14,381
I don't care about that. I mean,
I'd love him if he was a janitor.
384
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:18,009
I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.
385
00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:21,388
It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.
386
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,473
I don't know. I just wish he
would get his life together.
387
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:25,976
Our life.
And he can't.
388
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:28,562
And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.
389
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,648
You should give him an ultimatum.
It's you or the bear.
390
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,985
No, I can't do that.
That would devastate him.
391
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:38,655
Besides,
what if he chose Ted?
392
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:39,990
Well, hello there.
393
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:42,242
Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk
394
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,785
about Channing Tatum's
index finger.
395
00:20:43,869 --> 00:20:46,079
But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.
396
00:20:46,163 --> 00:20:48,415
Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a
lot of work I need to get to...
397
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:51,084
Oh, this is work,
I swear.
398
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:52,461
(SIGHS)
399
00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:54,254
Great.
400
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:56,339
Good luck.
Thank you.
401
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:58,717
He's such an asshole.
402
00:20:58,842 --> 00:21:00,719
Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.
403
00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,764
A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.
404
00:21:04,514 --> 00:21:06,767
Check this out.
405
00:21:06,850 --> 00:21:09,186
That's me on
the high school diving team.
406
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,146
We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.
407
00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:12,939
You promised me
this was about work.
408
00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:15,275
Lori, why don't you like me?
Ugh!
409
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,402
I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.
410
00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:19,571
I have a boyfriend.
I have told you this.
411
00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:21,198
Yeah, the guy with the bear.
412
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:24,367
But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.
413
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:27,746
If we were together, our
babies would be spectacular.
414
00:21:27,913 --> 00:21:32,417
With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of
415
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,755
dark, beautiful, smoky...
416
00:21:37,005 --> 00:21:38,840
Baltic? Czech?
417
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:40,383
Goodbye, Rex.
418
00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:42,052
(SOFT PIANO PLAYING)
419
00:21:54,648 --> 00:21:55,732
LORI: Oh!
420
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:57,901
Okay, that was perfect.
421
00:21:58,109 --> 00:21:59,694
Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?
422
00:21:59,778 --> 00:22:01,321
No, I'm good.
Thank you.
423
00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:03,156
Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?
424
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,383
I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.
425
00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:05,408
Sure.
426
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:06,660
What are you,
five years old?
427
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:07,744
JOHN: Yeah.
428
00:22:07,953 --> 00:22:10,163
But I read at a
six-year-old level, so...
429
00:22:10,247 --> 00:22:11,498
(LAUGHING)
430
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:15,710
Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert
431
00:22:15,794 --> 00:22:17,754
and champagne.
432
00:22:18,088 --> 00:22:19,172
(GASPS) Ooh!
433
00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:20,757
Cristal.
434
00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,510
It's a special night. We've
been dating for four years.
435
00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:26,221
And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?
436
00:22:26,304 --> 00:22:27,389
(LAUGHING)
437
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:29,683
(SIGHS)
438
00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:31,643
It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?
439
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:33,603
No, it doesn't.
440
00:22:33,854 --> 00:22:37,148
You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,
441
00:22:37,232 --> 00:22:39,276
but I'm really happy
that you were.
442
00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:40,944
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
443
00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:47,200
This song is so great.
444
00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:50,328
Oh, yeah. Chris Brown
can do no wrong.
445
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:52,664
Wow, you can really move.
446
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,958
You like that, huh?
Check this shit out.
447
00:23:01,631 --> 00:23:02,883
Oh, my God!
448
00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:05,051
Are you okay?
(GROANING)
449
00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:06,344
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
450
00:23:06,428 --> 00:23:07,596
No, I'm fine,
I'm fine.
451
00:23:07,679 --> 00:23:10,432
Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.
452
00:23:10,515 --> 00:23:11,600
Did you hurt your head?
453
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:13,310
Yeah, my head hurts a lot.
454
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:14,978
Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.
455
00:23:19,316 --> 00:23:20,317
Ow!
456
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,944
Sorry, sorry.
Does it hurt?
457
00:23:25,906 --> 00:23:28,658
No. It's fine.
458
00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:32,996
Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.
459
00:23:33,747 --> 00:23:35,624
You remember that night,
after the club
460
00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:39,544
we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.
461
00:23:39,628 --> 00:23:42,589
We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.
462
00:23:42,672 --> 00:23:44,007
Name that movie.
463
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:45,508
Octopussy.
464
00:23:45,717 --> 00:23:48,678
(GASPS)
Baby! Gold star.
465
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:51,056
And, by the way, my
dancing was not that bad.
466
00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:52,974
It was pretty bad.
I have cool moves.
467
00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:54,434
Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.
468
00:23:54,517 --> 00:23:55,769
That's not
how I remember it.
469
00:23:55,852 --> 00:23:57,187
Okay, how do you
remember it?
470
00:23:57,437 --> 00:23:58,939
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
471
00:24:27,092 --> 00:24:29,052
All right,
whatever you say.
472
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:30,512
Hey
Yes?
473
00:24:30,595 --> 00:24:31,930
Here's to four more years.
474
00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:33,932
Okay.
You make me happy.
475
00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:36,309
Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...
476
00:24:36,393 --> 00:24:37,394
We said no such thing.
477
00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:40,313
I got you something anyway, in clear
violation of the "no gift" rule.
478
00:24:40,397 --> 00:24:41,606
We had no such rule.
479
00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:45,110
Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.
480
00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:49,531
John”.
481
00:24:55,245 --> 00:24:57,956
Those are the ones you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.
482
00:24:59,082 --> 00:25:00,583
Yeah.
483
00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:04,129
You know, Lori,
484
00:25:04,212 --> 00:25:05,630
someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.
485
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:08,758
But I want to wait until I get
you something really special.
486
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,677
I just don't have
the money right now.
487
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:15,056
Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.
488
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:16,641
You're not going to
have any sort of career
489
00:25:16,766 --> 00:25:18,309
if you keep
wasting time with Ted.
490
00:25:18,393 --> 00:25:19,436
Oh, jeez, here we go.
491
00:25:19,519 --> 00:25:21,146
Baby, please ask Ted
to move out
492
00:25:21,229 --> 00:25:22,605
so we can move on
with our lives.
493
00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:25,233
Lori, look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight.
494
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:26,943
I was not a popular child.
495
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,321
You have to understand, I had no
friends before he came along.
496
00:25:30,405 --> 00:25:32,741
He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.
497
00:25:32,824 --> 00:25:35,869
But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.
498
00:25:35,952 --> 00:25:37,912
And unless you're
too blind to notice,
499
00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:39,914
he's not your
only friend any more.
500
00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:41,541
Can we talk about
this another time,
501
00:25:41,624 --> 00:25:43,043
and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?
502
00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:47,630
(LORI CLEARS THROAT)
503
00:25:53,845 --> 00:25:55,388
Oh, shit, hang on a second.
504
00:25:55,805 --> 00:25:57,640
Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.
505
00:25:57,724 --> 00:25:58,767
Can you call it?
506
00:25:58,975 --> 00:26:00,185
Yeah.
507
00:26:03,813 --> 00:26:04,898
(DIALING)
508
00:26:06,191 --> 00:26:08,651
(OMINOUS RINGTONE PLAYING)
509
00:26:14,532 --> 00:26:15,992
Is that my ringtone?
510
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:17,827
Oh, yeah.
511
00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:20,413
What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.
512
00:26:20,497 --> 00:26:22,415
No, no,
it's from The Notebook.
513
00:26:23,291 --> 00:26:24,334
Oh.
514
00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:26,586
This is going to take
some doing, I think.
515
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:27,962
I'll just meet
you upstairs then?
516
00:26:28,046 --> 00:26:29,589
Yeah, I'll be right there.
517
00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:33,551
(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
518
00:26:37,639 --> 00:26:38,681
Oh!
519
00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:40,391
Lori, hey,
you're home early.
520
00:26:40,475 --> 00:26:42,102
What the hell is this?
521
00:26:42,185 --> 00:26:44,604
The ladies and I were just
watching Jack and Jill.
522
00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:48,608
Adam Sandler plays a guy and his
sister, and it's just awful.
523
00:26:48,691 --> 00:26:49,776
It's unwatchable.
524
00:26:49,859 --> 00:26:51,611
But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.
525
00:26:51,694 --> 00:26:54,197
This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?
526
00:26:54,322 --> 00:26:55,907
Oh. Where are my manners?
527
00:26:56,074 --> 00:27:00,703
Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly,
Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.
528
00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:02,122
I love you girls.
529
00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:04,707
You know, somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers
530
00:27:04,791 --> 00:27:06,835
I wish I could thank
for this great night.
531
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:08,336
What is that?
532
00:27:08,545 --> 00:27:09,879
What is what?
533
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,507
There is...
534
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:14,509
...a shit on my floor.
535
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:16,970
In the corner,
there is a shit!
536
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,681
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were
playing truth or dare
537
00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:21,599
and Cherene's
pretty ballsy.
538
00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:23,560
There is a shit
on my floor!
539
00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:28,565
"Or is the floor on the shit?"
is what Kierkegaard would say.
540
00:27:29,399 --> 00:27:30,441
(JOHN ROARS)
(LAUGHS)
541
00:27:30,567 --> 00:27:32,944
JOHN: Who lives here? I'm coming
to get whoever lives here.
542
00:27:33,194 --> 00:27:34,529
You owe me lobster money.
543
00:27:35,071 --> 00:27:36,489
(LAUGHS) That's
my buddy, Johnny.
544
00:27:36,573 --> 00:27:38,158
Not the lobster,
the guy running it.
545
00:27:38,575 --> 00:27:40,535
I found my phone.
546
00:27:40,618 --> 00:27:41,661
What's going on?
547
00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:45,582
Is that a shit?
548
00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:03,683
God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.
549
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:06,186
Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.
550
00:28:06,269 --> 00:28:10,815
"I married the wrong woman, and
now I lead a life of regret."
551
00:28:10,899 --> 00:28:12,025
Oh, look at this guy.
552
00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:17,113
"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."
553
00:28:17,197 --> 00:28:18,281
(SIGHS)
554
00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:20,575
Ted, you gotta move out.
555
00:28:22,493 --> 00:28:23,536
What?
556
00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:26,247
It's got to happen.
557
00:28:27,832 --> 00:28:29,959
What did I do?
558
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,922
My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.
559
00:28:35,131 --> 00:28:37,300
Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.
560
00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:40,720
Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.
561
00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:42,472
Oh, God!
Ah, what?
562
00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:43,681
Oh, this is so gross!
563
00:28:43,765 --> 00:28:45,767
Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!
Did you get it?
564
00:28:45,850 --> 00:28:47,727
No, I didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!
565
00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:50,396
Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!
566
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,815
No! You can never cook
with that hand again!
567
00:28:53,024 --> 00:28:54,734
Oh, my God! You have to
learn to cook left-handed.
568
00:28:54,817 --> 00:28:56,736
This is the most
disgusting thing ever!
569
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,238
Don't!
Get it away from me!
570
00:28:58,321 --> 00:29:00,240
Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.
571
00:29:00,490 --> 00:29:04,035
Ted, you mean everything
to me, and so does Lori.
572
00:29:04,118 --> 00:29:07,080
I'm just trying to find a way
to keep you both in my life.
573
00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:08,581
(SIGHS)
574
00:29:08,665 --> 00:29:10,541
She's making you
do it, isn't she?
575
00:29:11,125 --> 00:29:12,210
Yes.
576
00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:15,463
But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.
577
00:29:15,922 --> 00:29:18,508
Yeah, but what about "thunder
buddies for life," Johnny?
578
00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:21,094
I know. I just don't
know what to do, here.
579
00:29:21,177 --> 00:29:25,139
I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.
580
00:29:25,265 --> 00:29:26,808
And I do love her, Ted.
581
00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:29,060
I know you do, Johnny.
582
00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:31,479
I'll help you get on your
feet out there, I promise.
583
00:29:31,938 --> 00:29:33,856
I know. And we'll hang
out all the time, right?
584
00:29:34,023 --> 00:29:35,441
All the time.
585
00:29:35,650 --> 00:29:37,318
Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.
586
00:29:37,402 --> 00:29:39,320
Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.
587
00:29:39,862 --> 00:29:41,114
RECORDED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
588
00:29:41,364 --> 00:29:44,075
Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's
the thing from the...
589
00:29:44,242 --> 00:29:46,077
The old...
Yeah, yeah.
590
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:47,578
I'm not gay.
I know.
591
00:29:47,662 --> 00:29:49,789
And you're not gay,
so we're fine.
592
00:29:50,999 --> 00:29:53,459
We gotta get you a job.
593
00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:55,920
I look stupid.
594
00:29:56,004 --> 00:29:57,213
No you don't.
You look dapper.
595
00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,674
I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.
596
00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:01,050
Come on,
it's not that bad.
597
00:30:01,134 --> 00:30:02,510
John, I look like something
you give your kid
598
00:30:02,593 --> 00:30:04,095
when you tell him
Grandma died.
599
00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:06,139
Look, I know
it sucks, okay?
600
00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:07,265
But you've got
to make some money
601
00:30:07,348 --> 00:30:08,391
so you can pay
for an apartment.
602
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:10,518
I don't want to work
at a grocery store.
603
00:30:10,601 --> 00:30:11,978
Yeah, but you
have no skills.
604
00:30:12,145 --> 00:30:14,147
I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.
605
00:30:14,564 --> 00:30:17,483
You get the job, we're
celebrating after, okay?
606
00:30:17,942 --> 00:30:19,319
Uh-huh. And if I
don't get the job,
607
00:30:19,402 --> 00:30:20,737
are we still going to
smoke that pot?
608
00:30:21,070 --> 00:30:22,238
Probably, yes.
609
00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:24,324
Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.
610
00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:25,408
All right, buddy,
go get 'em.
611
00:30:26,409 --> 00:30:28,286
And don't worry,
I'll do my very best
612
00:30:28,369 --> 00:30:30,496
to get this job
that I so crave.
613
00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:33,166
So you think you
got what it takes?
614
00:30:33,333 --> 00:30:36,377
I'll tell you what I got. Your
wife's pussy on my breath.
615
00:30:38,504 --> 00:30:40,757
Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.
616
00:30:40,923 --> 00:30:44,218
That's 'cause everyone's mouth is
usually full of your wife's box.
617
00:30:46,429 --> 00:30:47,555
You're hired.
618
00:30:47,805 --> 00:30:48,890
Shit.
619
00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:38,481
Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.
620
00:31:38,564 --> 00:31:41,317
This is how the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes feels.
621
00:31:41,401 --> 00:31:43,611
All day, every day.
Just awful.
622
00:31:43,694 --> 00:31:45,988
They must feel awful. The
live ones must feel awful.
623
00:31:46,072 --> 00:31:47,156
Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?
624
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,700
I got a shitty job, and I
assure you, I am quite content.
625
00:31:49,867 --> 00:31:51,077
Excuse me.
626
00:31:51,244 --> 00:31:52,412
I'm sorry to bother you
627
00:31:52,495 --> 00:31:56,499
but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.
628
00:31:56,999 --> 00:31:58,418
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
629
00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:01,587
Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.
630
00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:04,507
I have to say, I've been following
you ever since I was a young boy
631
00:32:05,675 --> 00:32:08,344
and I remember seeing you
on the Carson show.
632
00:32:08,511 --> 00:32:09,846
You were just wonderful.
633
00:32:10,012 --> 00:32:12,348
Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.
634
00:32:12,432 --> 00:32:15,852
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.
635
00:32:16,018 --> 00:32:17,979
He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.
636
00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,730
Have you ever considered
selling the bear?
637
00:32:20,022 --> 00:32:21,023
What?
Excuse me?
638
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:22,316
I want it.
639
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,652
I'm not an "it," pal.
I'm a "he," all right?
640
00:32:25,194 --> 00:32:27,155
I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.
641
00:32:27,238 --> 00:32:29,115
See, I've had him
since I was about your age.
642
00:32:29,198 --> 00:32:30,908
He's very, very
special to me.
643
00:32:30,992 --> 00:32:33,244
Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.
644
00:32:33,578 --> 00:32:35,288
Why the fuck
would he say that?
645
00:32:35,371 --> 00:32:38,374
Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.
646
00:32:38,458 --> 00:32:40,209
Look, we're very
interested in the bear.
647
00:32:40,334 --> 00:32:41,919
If you want to make
some sort of arrangement
648
00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713
here's my address
and phone number.
649
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,132
And you can call me
any time, okay?
650
00:32:46,215 --> 00:32:47,258
Will do.
651
00:32:47,425 --> 00:32:50,303
Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.
652
00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:52,013
Okay? Okay.
653
00:32:52,180 --> 00:32:53,848
Okay.
See you later.
654
00:32:53,931 --> 00:32:54,932
Come on, Robert.
655
00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:56,017
TED: Take it easy.
656
00:32:56,184 --> 00:32:57,226
What the fuck?
657
00:32:57,393 --> 00:32:59,353
Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?
658
00:32:59,437 --> 00:33:01,314
I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement
659
00:33:01,397 --> 00:33:02,940
and really slowly
de-limbing you
660
00:33:03,024 --> 00:33:05,359
while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.
661
00:33:05,735 --> 00:33:08,154
(SINGING) Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence
662
00:33:08,237 --> 00:33:10,114
Stop it.
Knock it off.
663
00:33:10,198 --> 00:33:11,699
I love my sixpence
Better than my life
664
00:33:11,782 --> 00:33:13,659
Stop it! Fuck! Why you got
to take it to that place?
665
00:33:13,743 --> 00:33:16,287
You took it to a very... Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.
666
00:33:16,370 --> 00:33:17,538
Come on.
Take it easy.
667
00:33:17,622 --> 00:33:20,583
All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.
668
00:33:37,934 --> 00:33:39,227
(GRUNTS)
669
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:41,729
(SIGHS)
670
00:33:42,438 --> 00:33:44,065
I guess this is it, huh?
671
00:33:44,232 --> 00:33:46,526
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
672
00:33:46,692 --> 00:33:47,818
First night on your own.
673
00:33:48,152 --> 00:33:51,280
Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.
674
00:33:51,906 --> 00:33:53,449
It'll be great
when it's furnished.
675
00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:55,993
Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.
676
00:33:56,077 --> 00:33:57,995
So, that's good.
677
00:33:58,829 --> 00:34:01,666
Okay, so,
if you need anything...
678
00:34:01,832 --> 00:34:05,461
Yeah, I know. Don't worry,
Johnny, I'll be fine.
679
00:34:06,337 --> 00:34:08,339
I know you will.
680
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,258
(SIGHS) All right.
681
00:34:35,992 --> 00:34:37,368
Hey there.
682
00:34:37,451 --> 00:34:38,494
Hey.
683
00:34:38,578 --> 00:34:40,162
Hi.
Hi.
684
00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:46,127
Listen, I just want
to say thank you.
685
00:34:47,044 --> 00:34:50,506
I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,
686
00:34:51,007 --> 00:34:54,427
and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,
687
00:34:54,510 --> 00:34:58,347
and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.
688
00:34:58,723 --> 00:35:01,434
Hey, anything for you.
689
00:35:01,517 --> 00:35:03,978
This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,
690
00:35:04,061 --> 00:35:06,731
so you better
get used to him.
691
00:35:06,814 --> 00:35:07,857
Really?
692
00:35:08,816 --> 00:35:11,027
Well, you know,
693
00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:14,780
I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.
694
00:35:15,531 --> 00:35:17,158
Well, that's perfect.
695
00:35:17,241 --> 00:35:19,118
Because I'm only
going to need one.
696
00:35:19,243 --> 00:35:20,286
(LAUGHS)
697
00:35:22,204 --> 00:35:24,540
You know what my favorite
thing about you is?
698
00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:29,545
That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.
699
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:34,967
To step up and change such
a huge part of your life
700
00:35:35,051 --> 00:35:37,762
just to make your
girlfriend happier...
701
00:35:38,304 --> 00:35:40,890
I don't know, I guess most
guys wouldn't do that.
702
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:44,393
Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.
703
00:35:46,771 --> 00:35:49,523
I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,
704
00:35:50,775 --> 00:35:53,611
but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.
705
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:55,780
How do you know?
706
00:36:06,916 --> 00:36:08,000
Oh.
707
00:36:08,209 --> 00:36:10,002
Is that a Flash Gordon
ray gun,
708
00:36:10,086 --> 00:36:11,837
or are you just
happy to see me?
709
00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:15,174
(ZAPPING)
(LAUGHING)
710
00:36:19,345 --> 00:36:20,846
There we go.
711
00:36:21,305 --> 00:36:25,142
Thank you very much, please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.
712
00:36:25,726 --> 00:36:26,769
(SIGHS)
713
00:36:30,940 --> 00:36:32,692
Hey, Ellen.
714
00:36:32,775 --> 00:36:33,776
Yeah?
715
00:36:34,068 --> 00:36:35,111
Who's that over there?
716
00:36:36,862 --> 00:36:38,197
That's the
new checkout girl.
717
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,949
Don't know her name.
Seems cute.
718
00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:43,202
Yeah, very cute. Do you know
what I'd like to do to her?
719
00:36:43,369 --> 00:36:45,204
Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.
720
00:37:01,804 --> 00:37:02,847
(LAUGHING)
721
00:37:19,113 --> 00:37:21,615
Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.
722
00:37:25,995 --> 00:37:27,580
Hey, how are you
holding up?
723
00:37:28,497 --> 00:37:31,792
Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting
used to things, that's all.
724
00:37:32,293 --> 00:37:33,335
It's going to be all right.
725
00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:36,881
I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.
726
00:37:36,964 --> 00:37:38,382
Really?
Yeah.
727
00:37:39,133 --> 00:37:43,012
We were together for eight
months, and I really loved him.
728
00:37:43,179 --> 00:37:46,056
And then he got
deported back to Iran,
729
00:37:46,140 --> 00:37:47,600
so I know what
you're going through.
730
00:37:48,017 --> 00:37:52,354
Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.
731
00:37:53,022 --> 00:37:54,064
We sure did.
732
00:37:54,690 --> 00:37:56,150
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
733
00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:01,363
Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?
734
00:38:01,447 --> 00:38:02,698
You want to come over
and catch a buzz?
735
00:38:03,199 --> 00:38:04,658
Well, I could probably
stop by after work.
736
00:38:04,742 --> 00:38:07,369
Fuck that I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.
737
00:38:07,453 --> 00:38:10,039
Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.
738
00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:11,707
I cannot just
ditch work, man.
739
00:38:11,832 --> 00:38:12,948
Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together
740
00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:14,752
and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.
741
00:38:14,919 --> 00:38:17,171
John, five minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.
742
00:38:17,254 --> 00:38:20,341
Just come over. I got
the Cheers DVD box set
743
00:38:20,424 --> 00:38:21,967
and the guy down
at the store told me
744
00:38:22,051 --> 00:38:24,428
that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.
745
00:38:25,554 --> 00:38:26,639
You'll kick me out
in five?
746
00:38:26,722 --> 00:38:29,141
I will kick you out in five.
John, I have to kick you out.
747
00:38:29,225 --> 00:38:32,728
I have so much teddy bear paperwork
I have to get to, it is sick.
748
00:38:32,895 --> 00:38:34,271
What do I tell Thomas?
749
00:38:34,355 --> 00:38:35,731
Just tell him you
don't feel well.
750
00:38:36,232 --> 00:38:37,983
I gotta cut out for a bit.
751
00:38:38,067 --> 00:38:39,443
Lori tried to
break up a dog fight
752
00:38:39,527 --> 00:38:40,861
and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.
753
00:38:41,153 --> 00:38:42,196
Oh, my God!
754
00:38:42,279 --> 00:38:43,989
Yeah, that's
the way she is.
755
00:38:44,073 --> 00:38:45,533
She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,
756
00:38:45,616 --> 00:38:48,160
and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm
757
00:38:48,244 --> 00:38:49,995
and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up
758
00:38:50,079 --> 00:38:52,248
and stuck his finger
in his ass.
759
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:54,041
Oh, Jesus.
760
00:38:54,124 --> 00:38:55,417
Yeah, she's
pretty shook up.
761
00:38:55,709 --> 00:38:57,336
Up the dog's ass, right?
762
00:38:57,419 --> 00:38:59,046
Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.
763
00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:01,549
I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.
764
00:39:01,632 --> 00:39:03,384
No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.
765
00:39:03,467 --> 00:39:05,511
Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.
766
00:39:05,594 --> 00:39:07,096
Thank you.
Go.
767
00:39:08,764 --> 00:39:09,849
(GROANS)
768
00:39:10,391 --> 00:39:14,103
Woody Harrelson. Smallest
dick I've ever seen on a man.
769
00:39:14,270 --> 00:39:15,437
(BOTH LAUGHING)
770
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:17,982
See, that's why
I watch these things.
771
00:39:18,065 --> 00:39:20,442
That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.
772
00:39:20,776 --> 00:39:22,403
Oh, hey,
listen, try this.
773
00:39:22,486 --> 00:39:24,697
I told my weed guy to step
it up and he gave me that.
774
00:39:25,114 --> 00:39:26,156
What is it?
775
00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:28,659
It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.
776
00:39:29,118 --> 00:39:30,369
It doesn't sound
very mellow.
777
00:39:30,452 --> 00:39:32,371
Well, he only had
three other batches.
778
00:39:32,454 --> 00:39:33,747
"Gorilla Panic,"
779
00:39:33,831 --> 00:39:35,708
"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"
780
00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:37,585
and something called,
"This is Permanent."
781
00:39:37,668 --> 00:39:38,669
Go on, spark it up.
782
00:39:44,091 --> 00:39:45,175
(COUGHING)
783
00:39:45,801 --> 00:39:47,720
There you go.
You got it.
784
00:39:47,845 --> 00:39:48,929
(LAUGHS)
785
00:39:49,013 --> 00:39:52,182
Nice. Good, huh?
Good job.
786
00:39:53,225 --> 00:39:55,227
Yeah.
Take pride in that.
787
00:39:55,728 --> 00:39:57,021
You know,
this place looks great.
788
00:39:57,146 --> 00:39:58,939
Thanks, man,
it's all IKEA.
789
00:39:59,023 --> 00:40:00,482
Did the whole place
for $47.
790
00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:02,401
Nice.
Yeah.
791
00:40:02,484 --> 00:40:03,944
How are the neighbors?
792
00:40:04,486 --> 00:40:06,447
You know, there's an Asian
family living next door
793
00:40:06,530 --> 00:40:08,741
but they don't have a gong or
nothing, so it's not too bad.
794
00:40:08,824 --> 00:40:10,659
That's lucky.
Yeah, it is.
795
00:40:11,035 --> 00:40:12,703
How's work?
It sucks.
796
00:40:13,329 --> 00:40:14,288
You?
797
00:40:14,371 --> 00:40:15,497
You know,
not bad actually.
798
00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:17,041
I met a girl.
She's a cashier.
799
00:40:17,207 --> 00:40:18,751
No way, that's awesome! Yeah.
800
00:40:18,834 --> 00:40:20,502
Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.
801
00:40:20,586 --> 00:40:22,212
You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?
802
00:40:22,296 --> 00:40:23,797
White trash name.
Guess.
803
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:26,342
Mandy?
No.
804
00:40:27,176 --> 00:40:28,344
Marilyn?
No.
805
00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:30,346
Britney? Tiffany?
No. No.
806
00:40:30,512 --> 00:40:31,597
Candice?
No.
807
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:33,307
Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!
808
00:40:33,432 --> 00:40:35,100
Do you see me fucking with you?
All right, speed round.
809
00:40:35,184 --> 00:40:36,393
I'm going to
rattle off some names
810
00:40:36,477 --> 00:40:37,603
and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.
811
00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:38,896
I will tell you.
You got me?
812
00:40:39,063 --> 00:40:40,189
All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,
813
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:41,482
Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,
814
00:40:41,565 --> 00:40:42,733
Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal,
815
00:40:42,900 --> 00:40:44,777
Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,
816
00:40:44,944 --> 00:40:47,196
Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,
817
00:40:47,363 --> 00:40:49,156
Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,
818
00:40:49,323 --> 00:40:50,908
Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
819
00:40:51,075 --> 00:40:53,077
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.
820
00:40:53,243 --> 00:40:54,662
Fucking Becky?
No.
821
00:40:55,371 --> 00:40:57,873
Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?
822
00:40:58,082 --> 00:40:59,124
Yes.
823
00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:00,417
I got you, motherfucker.
824
00:41:00,542 --> 00:41:02,002
I got you. Okay.
825
00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:03,796
Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.
826
00:41:03,879 --> 00:41:04,964
Fuck!
827
00:41:08,509 --> 00:41:09,510
What the hell?
828
00:41:09,593 --> 00:41:11,804
Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?
829
00:41:11,887 --> 00:41:13,514
There's, like,
1,000 people here.
830
00:41:13,597 --> 00:41:15,808
There's supposed to be
three registers open.
831
00:41:15,891 --> 00:41:17,559
For God's sakes.
832
00:41:22,481 --> 00:41:23,732
(WOMAN MOANING)
833
00:41:25,985 --> 00:41:27,194
(TED GRUNTING)
834
00:41:30,906 --> 00:41:33,575
TED: Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.
835
00:41:34,410 --> 00:41:36,996
You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker
836
00:41:37,079 --> 00:41:39,915
on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.
837
00:41:40,082 --> 00:41:42,334
I fucked her with
a parsnip last week
838
00:41:42,418 --> 00:41:45,796
and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.
839
00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:50,217
That took guts.
We need guts.
840
00:41:50,384 --> 00:41:52,094
I'm promoting you.
841
00:41:52,761 --> 00:41:54,930
You got a lot of problems,
don't you?
842
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:09,486
All right, Kareem!
843
00:42:09,570 --> 00:42:10,654
(GLASS SHATTERING)
844
00:42:10,738 --> 00:42:12,614
Ah! You suck, Kareem.
845
00:42:15,325 --> 00:42:16,702
(BOTTLE TINKLING)
846
00:42:19,163 --> 00:42:20,497
Hello?
847
00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:25,461
Huh.
848
00:42:29,006 --> 00:42:30,466
Hey, Ted.
(EXCLAIMS)
849
00:42:32,509 --> 00:42:34,470
Hey there, fella.
How are you?
850
00:42:35,387 --> 00:42:36,847
Are you out here
all alone?
851
00:42:37,139 --> 00:42:39,141
Uh, no, no, I'm not.
852
00:42:39,850 --> 00:42:42,227
You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.
853
00:42:42,311 --> 00:42:44,605
So, no, I'm not alone.
854
00:42:44,688 --> 00:42:47,524
Yeah. Me, too.
855
00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:53,822
You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.
856
00:42:53,989 --> 00:42:56,200
Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.
857
00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:57,659
I just got
a shitty new apartment...
858
00:42:57,826 --> 00:43:00,621
I can offer you
$6,000 in rail road bonds.
859
00:43:01,288 --> 00:43:03,207
Well, you know,
since I just returned
860
00:43:03,290 --> 00:43:05,000
from active duty
in the Civil War
861
00:43:05,084 --> 00:43:06,460
that actually
sounds very appealing.
862
00:43:06,543 --> 00:43:07,753
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
863
00:43:07,836 --> 00:43:11,006
That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.
864
00:43:11,507 --> 00:43:12,716
Okay.
865
00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:17,846
Teddy, come on, we're going to be
late for dinner with your friends.
866
00:43:17,930 --> 00:43:19,431
Okay, be there
in a second, baby.
867
00:43:19,515 --> 00:43:21,767
As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.
868
00:43:21,850 --> 00:43:23,519
So, I'm going to
have to decline.
869
00:43:23,685 --> 00:43:24,978
Can I just get a hug?
870
00:43:25,354 --> 00:43:27,314
Oh, uh. No.
871
00:43:27,481 --> 00:43:29,024
Yeah.
No, no.
872
00:43:29,191 --> 00:43:32,194
And it kills me to have to tell you
no, because I'm a people pleaser.
873
00:43:32,361 --> 00:43:33,445
Yeah.
874
00:43:33,612 --> 00:43:35,489
Thank you for
creeping up my night.
875
00:43:35,656 --> 00:43:37,282
And Jesus be with you...
Okay.
876
00:43:37,366 --> 00:43:38,367
...in Christ.
877
00:43:39,993 --> 00:43:41,370
TAMI-LYNN:
Who was that guy?
878
00:43:41,453 --> 00:43:43,163
That was
Sinead O'Connor.
879
00:43:43,247 --> 00:43:44,540
She don't look
so good no more.
880
00:43:49,545 --> 00:43:51,505
How great is this? The
four of us out to dinner.
881
00:43:51,588 --> 00:43:53,382
How long have we been saying
we were going to...
882
00:43:53,549 --> 00:43:56,260
Lori, how you doing? I haven't
talked to you in forever.
883
00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:58,137
I'm good. I'm good.
884
00:43:58,220 --> 00:44:00,806
The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.
885
00:44:00,889 --> 00:44:02,474
So, that's something.
886
00:44:02,766 --> 00:44:04,852
Lori's a senior VP
at a big, huge PR firm.
887
00:44:04,935 --> 00:44:06,687
It's not that
big of a deal.
888
00:44:06,770 --> 00:44:07,980
Company's turning 20, huh?
889
00:44:08,063 --> 00:44:10,107
So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.
890
00:44:10,649 --> 00:44:13,068
(LAUGHING) Right?
Yeah, she gets it.
891
00:44:13,152 --> 00:44:15,529
She enjoys my humor.
892
00:44:16,113 --> 00:44:18,115
Yeah, Rex is having
a house party
893
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:20,534
but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering
894
00:44:20,617 --> 00:44:23,495
you two have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.
895
00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:27,416
You know, it's funny, because
whenever Johnny and I hang out
896
00:44:27,499 --> 00:44:29,751
the first item
on our agenda is,
897
00:44:29,835 --> 00:44:31,044
"What's going on
with Lori?"
898
00:44:31,211 --> 00:44:33,255
So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.
899
00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:34,508
That must have
slipped through the cracks.
900
00:44:34,548 --> 00:44:36,008
Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.
901
00:44:36,091 --> 00:44:37,885
Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying
902
00:44:37,968 --> 00:44:40,387
how great Lori's
hair always looks.
903
00:44:40,679 --> 00:44:42,639
Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!
904
00:44:42,723 --> 00:44:44,600
I always want to
fucking brush it.
905
00:44:44,683 --> 00:44:45,893
Right, Johnny?
I say that.
906
00:44:48,812 --> 00:44:50,314
So, Tami-Lynn,
907
00:44:50,397 --> 00:44:52,733
why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
908
00:44:52,816 --> 00:44:53,942
Like, where are you from?
909
00:44:54,026 --> 00:44:56,695
I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.
910
00:44:57,112 --> 00:44:58,697
What do you
mean "girlfriends"?
911
00:44:58,780 --> 00:45:00,449
Was there a lot of them
or something?
912
00:45:00,616 --> 00:45:02,993
No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?
913
00:45:03,118 --> 00:45:04,453
Lori, you didn't mean that.
No, no, no.
914
00:45:04,828 --> 00:45:06,622
What I meant to say
was Ted's very handsome
915
00:45:06,997 --> 00:45:08,624
so I'm always
interested in meeting
916
00:45:08,707 --> 00:45:10,542
the lady that
can snatch him up.
917
00:45:11,168 --> 00:45:12,377
Did you just
call me a whore?
918
00:45:12,461 --> 00:45:13,462
What?
919
00:45:13,629 --> 00:45:16,006
You just worry about your own
"snatch." How about that, honey?
920
00:45:16,089 --> 00:45:17,090
JOHN: Whoa!
VVhoa! VVhoa!
921
00:45:17,174 --> 00:45:19,092
What the hell happened? We're
having a friendly meal here.
922
00:45:19,176 --> 00:45:20,260
This was a nice evening.
923
00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:21,386
Don't talk shit to me.
924
00:45:21,553 --> 00:45:22,930
I just asked you
a question.
925
00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:24,473
You know,
you're a freaking snob.
926
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:25,891
You think you're
cool because you work
927
00:45:25,974 --> 00:45:27,601
at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.
928
00:45:27,684 --> 00:45:29,811
Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.
929
00:45:29,895 --> 00:45:32,147
Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.
930
00:45:32,231 --> 00:45:33,357
Oh, fuck you!
931
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:35,609
Just because you're on the business
world and shit you think, what,
932
00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,319
everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?
933
00:45:37,444 --> 00:45:39,738
Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.
934
00:45:39,821 --> 00:45:42,115
We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.
935
00:45:42,199 --> 00:45:43,951
You know what?
I gave birth once, bitch.
936
00:45:44,034 --> 00:45:45,327
I could kick
your fucking ass.
937
00:45:45,619 --> 00:45:47,704
And you better never show your
face around Quincy, you hear me?
938
00:45:47,788 --> 00:45:48,956
Okay, come on.
Ever!
939
00:45:49,039 --> 00:45:50,666
I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?
940
00:45:50,958 --> 00:45:52,042
(SIGHS)
941
00:45:52,501 --> 00:45:53,669
What a cunt.
942
00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:55,462
Ow! I hate that word!
943
00:45:55,545 --> 00:45:56,630
What?
That word.
944
00:45:56,713 --> 00:45:58,215
It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword
945
00:45:58,298 --> 00:45:59,424
slashing
everything in its path.
946
00:45:59,508 --> 00:46:00,759
Why would you say that?
947
00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:02,636
You didn't exactly
stand up for me.
948
00:46:02,844 --> 00:46:04,346
I'm trying to
walk a line, here.
949
00:46:04,429 --> 00:46:05,722
I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?
950
00:46:05,806 --> 00:46:07,641
I think you're being a
little more fair to him.
951
00:46:07,724 --> 00:46:08,850
Oh, come on.
952
00:46:09,977 --> 00:46:13,355
You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.
953
00:46:14,231 --> 00:46:15,232
Huh?
954
00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:18,527
Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.
955
00:46:19,278 --> 00:46:20,362
Oh.
956
00:46:20,779 --> 00:46:21,947
If I had to make a guess
957
00:46:22,030 --> 00:46:24,241
I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse
958
00:46:24,324 --> 00:46:25,701
to get out of work
to go to Ted's.
959
00:46:25,784 --> 00:46:28,161
Now, am I right?
960
00:46:29,705 --> 00:46:30,872
I made you out to
be a hero.
961
00:46:30,956 --> 00:46:32,291
You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out
962
00:46:32,374 --> 00:46:33,917
so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.
963
00:46:34,167 --> 00:46:36,044
You're not giving
anything a chance
964
00:46:36,169 --> 00:46:38,714
if you keep blowing off work to
get high with your teddy bear.
965
00:46:40,090 --> 00:46:41,717
You're right.
966
00:46:42,426 --> 00:46:44,511
I've been getting stoned too much.
I know that.
967
00:46:44,678 --> 00:46:47,931
I've been bumming around with Ted too much.
I know that, too.
968
00:46:48,015 --> 00:46:50,267
You give me one more chance,
I promise I can fix it.
969
00:46:51,351 --> 00:46:54,980
John, I need a man. Not a
little boy with a teddy bear.
970
00:46:55,063 --> 00:46:58,317
I know, done. Man. Right here,
in front of you, all right?
971
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,986
Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.
972
00:47:01,069 --> 00:47:03,530
Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.
973
00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:06,575
I just farted.
That was a man fart.
974
00:47:06,658 --> 00:47:07,701
(GIGGLES)
975
00:47:13,749 --> 00:47:18,128
Fine, John, but this is, I swear
to God, your last chance.
976
00:47:18,587 --> 00:47:19,921
Trust me. I love you.
977
00:47:20,255 --> 00:47:21,590
All right, I love you.
978
00:47:21,757 --> 00:47:23,967
I love you so much. You
won't be sorry, I swear.
979
00:47:24,926 --> 00:47:26,261
Did you really just fart?
980
00:47:26,428 --> 00:47:28,513
Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.
981
00:47:29,431 --> 00:47:31,224
I wonder who it's
going to hit first.
982
00:47:31,308 --> 00:47:33,143
So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times
983
00:47:33,268 --> 00:47:36,104
these numbers do not add up.
(GAGGING)
984
00:47:36,188 --> 00:47:38,065
Who did this to us?
985
00:47:38,148 --> 00:47:41,568
God damn it!
I'm here on business!
986
00:47:42,110 --> 00:47:43,236
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
987
00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:47,324
LORI: All right,
here we go.
988
00:47:47,616 --> 00:47:48,784
(DOORBELL RINGING)
989
00:47:50,619 --> 00:47:52,037
I'm really glad
that you came.
990
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:53,372
Me, too.
Yeah?
991
00:47:53,455 --> 00:47:55,499
Is it okay if I
kick your boss's ass?
992
00:47:55,582 --> 00:47:57,542
That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?
993
00:47:57,626 --> 00:47:59,211
Please play nice.
994
00:47:59,294 --> 00:48:00,462
For you, I will.
995
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:02,005
Thank you.
Anything.
996
00:48:04,758 --> 00:48:07,427
There she is. I was worried
you weren't coming.
997
00:48:07,511 --> 00:48:09,930
Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?
998
00:48:10,430 --> 00:48:11,431
He's a bear.
999
00:48:11,515 --> 00:48:14,935
Got it. Oh, my God! This
house is fucking huge!
1000
00:48:15,018 --> 00:48:17,479
I know. Try not to get lost.
Come on in.
1001
00:48:17,938 --> 00:48:19,439
(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
1002
00:48:28,907 --> 00:48:30,992
Wow! Here
are the ladies.
1003
00:48:31,159 --> 00:48:33,995
Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.
1004
00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:36,206
A little heavy on the eye
makeup, but pretty good.
1005
00:48:36,373 --> 00:48:37,457
Thank you, Rex.
Thank you.
1006
00:48:37,541 --> 00:48:38,583
You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?
1007
00:48:38,667 --> 00:48:39,709
John.
1008
00:48:39,793 --> 00:48:41,086
You guys remember John.
WOMEN: Hi.
1009
00:48:41,336 --> 00:48:45,382
Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?
1010
00:48:46,007 --> 00:48:47,050
Sure.
1011
00:48:47,134 --> 00:48:49,594
Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.
1012
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:52,848
It's an old sweater, huh?
1013
00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:55,934
This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.
1014
00:48:56,017 --> 00:48:58,645
I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.
1015
00:48:58,728 --> 00:48:59,771
Wow, cool.
1016
00:48:59,855 --> 00:49:01,815
Yeah, cool.
1017
00:49:01,898 --> 00:49:05,026
These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.
1018
00:49:06,069 --> 00:49:08,113
This is art.
Get it?
1019
00:49:10,866 --> 00:49:12,617
These were
John Lennon's glasses.
1020
00:49:12,701 --> 00:49:14,494
They're worth,
like, a million dollars.
1021
00:49:14,578 --> 00:49:16,079
That's me
and Tom Skerritt.
1022
00:49:16,371 --> 00:49:17,330
Oh.
1023
00:49:17,414 --> 00:49:18,874
Check this out.
1024
00:49:20,041 --> 00:49:22,210
It's Lance Armstrong's nut.
1025
00:49:22,294 --> 00:49:24,045
I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.
1026
00:49:24,713 --> 00:49:26,173
Every now and then
when my life's
1027
00:49:26,256 --> 00:49:28,467
getting me down
and things are tough,
1028
00:49:28,633 --> 00:49:31,595
I just come up here
and I look at it.
1029
00:49:32,888 --> 00:49:36,433
And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.
1030
00:49:38,310 --> 00:49:40,270
Sometimes you feel
like a nut.
1031
00:49:41,229 --> 00:49:42,856
Sometimes you don't.
1032
00:49:44,524 --> 00:49:48,153
So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?
1033
00:49:48,236 --> 00:49:49,738
Things are great,
actually.
1034
00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,073
That's great.
That is great.
1035
00:49:53,492 --> 00:49:56,119
You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,
1036
00:49:56,203 --> 00:49:58,413
but she told me how
you are at the office.
1037
00:49:58,580 --> 00:50:00,248
And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say
1038
00:50:00,332 --> 00:50:02,584
I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.
1039
00:50:02,834 --> 00:50:03,960
(CHUCKLES)
1040
00:50:04,586 --> 00:50:06,004
(STAMMERS)
1041
00:50:06,087 --> 00:50:08,423
I think I need to clear
the air here a little.
1042
00:50:08,590 --> 00:50:11,760
Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.
1043
00:50:11,927 --> 00:50:14,846
But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.
1044
00:50:14,930 --> 00:50:16,097
I'm a kook.
1045
00:50:16,181 --> 00:50:18,225
I have no designs
on your girlfriend.
1046
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:20,352
We work together,
and that's it.
1047
00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:24,272
I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.
1048
00:50:25,941 --> 00:50:27,234
Well, that's good to hear.
1049
00:50:27,317 --> 00:50:28,527
Yeah.
1050
00:50:28,652 --> 00:50:29,945
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1051
00:50:30,487 --> 00:50:31,530
Excuse me.
1052
00:50:32,405 --> 00:50:33,406
Hey, Ted.
1053
00:50:33,490 --> 00:50:35,700
TED: Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.
1054
00:50:35,784 --> 00:50:36,785
Why, what's going on?
1055
00:50:36,868 --> 00:50:38,203
Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing
1056
00:50:38,286 --> 00:50:39,621
with some people
at my apartment.
1057
00:50:39,704 --> 00:50:41,998
And, John,
Sam Jones is here.
1058
00:50:42,415 --> 00:50:43,416
What?
1059
00:50:43,500 --> 00:50:46,503
Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.
1060
00:50:46,586 --> 00:50:47,754
Holy shit! What?
1061
00:50:47,837 --> 00:50:50,382
You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?
1062
00:50:50,465 --> 00:50:51,883
My buddy's in town
with his cousin,
1063
00:50:51,967 --> 00:50:53,802
and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.
1064
00:50:53,969 --> 00:50:56,471
Sam Jones is here,
and, John,
1065
00:50:56,555 --> 00:50:59,140
(WHISPERS) his hair is
parted down the middle.
1066
00:50:59,641 --> 00:51:00,934
Just like in the movie.
1067
00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:03,436
Yes. Get over here
right now.
1068
00:51:03,603 --> 00:51:04,854
Fuck, I can't!
1069
00:51:04,938 --> 00:51:06,815
I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.
1070
00:51:09,150 --> 00:51:10,277
I can't.
1071
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:13,738
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.
1072
00:51:13,822 --> 00:51:16,199
He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.
1073
00:51:16,283 --> 00:51:18,076
And that the word
"acting" apparently
1074
00:51:18,159 --> 00:51:19,911
has an extremely
broad definition.
1075
00:51:20,078 --> 00:51:23,290
Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.
1076
00:51:23,373 --> 00:51:25,500
Come share this with me.
1077
00:51:26,459 --> 00:51:27,752
I'm coming.
1078
00:51:28,295 --> 00:51:30,171
Rex, I got to go.
1079
00:51:30,964 --> 00:51:33,216
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?
1080
00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:35,844
But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.
1081
00:51:36,344 --> 00:51:39,055
If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.
1082
00:51:39,681 --> 00:51:42,058
I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.
1083
00:51:42,225 --> 00:51:43,768
All right, this is
one man to another.
1084
00:51:43,852 --> 00:51:45,937
I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.
1085
00:51:46,021 --> 00:51:47,063
This is serious.
1086
00:51:47,355 --> 00:51:51,109
Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.
1087
00:51:51,276 --> 00:51:53,361
Thank you.
I'll be back.
1088
00:51:54,863 --> 00:51:56,906
I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.
1089
00:52:06,875 --> 00:52:08,126
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1090
00:52:38,573 --> 00:52:40,367
Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.
1091
00:52:40,533 --> 00:52:42,160
Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?
1092
00:52:42,243 --> 00:52:43,244
Okay, get ready.
1093
00:52:43,328 --> 00:52:45,747
Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.
1094
00:52:46,706 --> 00:52:48,083
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
1095
00:52:53,254 --> 00:52:54,255
(SINGING) Flash!
1096
00:52:54,881 --> 00:52:56,257
A-ah!
1097
00:52:56,966 --> 00:52:58,593
Savior of the universe!
1098
00:53:06,601 --> 00:53:07,602
Flash!
1099
00:53:08,103 --> 00:53:09,270
A-ah!
1100
00:53:09,938 --> 00:53:11,439
He'll save every one of us!
1101
00:53:14,943 --> 00:53:18,988
Just a man
with a man's courage
1102
00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:23,201
He knows nothing but a man
1103
00:53:23,993 --> 00:53:26,329
But he can never fail
1104
00:53:28,123 --> 00:53:33,461
No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail
1105
00:53:47,016 --> 00:53:48,643
How you doing?
Good to meet you.
1106
00:53:50,019 --> 00:53:52,188
I thank you for
saving every one of us.
1107
00:53:52,272 --> 00:53:53,314
Well, you're welcome.
1108
00:53:53,690 --> 00:53:55,024
(SQUEALS EXCITEDLY)
He acknowledged it.
1109
00:53:55,191 --> 00:53:56,234
Let's do some shots.
1110
00:53:56,317 --> 00:53:57,360
With you?
1111
00:53:57,527 --> 00:53:59,529
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!
1112
00:53:59,612 --> 00:54:00,655
Let's go!
1113
00:54:04,576 --> 00:54:05,618
Thanks, Flash.
1114
00:54:05,702 --> 00:54:07,328
There you go, my friend.
Thank you.
1115
00:54:07,537 --> 00:54:09,372
Death to Ming!
1116
00:54:09,873 --> 00:54:11,040
Yes!
1117
00:54:13,835 --> 00:54:15,378
You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.
1118
00:54:15,545 --> 00:54:17,046
You like to party?
1119
00:54:18,631 --> 00:54:19,674
Uh...
1120
00:54:19,799 --> 00:54:20,800
Cocaine, right?
1121
00:54:20,884 --> 00:54:23,678
Come on, dudes. Don't tell
me you never done it before.
1122
00:54:24,220 --> 00:54:26,389
Not recently, no.
1123
00:54:26,556 --> 00:54:28,308
I thought that was just
for people in Florida.
1124
00:54:28,475 --> 00:54:29,684
You better follow me.
1125
00:54:29,851 --> 00:54:30,977
Come on.
1126
00:54:31,060 --> 00:54:32,687
Johnny, I'm frightened.
1127
00:54:33,062 --> 00:54:34,314
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1128
00:54:41,571 --> 00:54:44,199
We are going to
party like the '80s.
1129
00:54:44,282 --> 00:54:45,450
Show us how, Flash.
1130
00:54:45,533 --> 00:54:46,785
It's easy.
1131
00:54:46,868 --> 00:54:49,245
We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.
1132
00:54:49,329 --> 00:54:51,331
God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.
1133
00:54:51,414 --> 00:54:53,208
We better start
doing stupid shit.
1134
00:54:53,625 --> 00:54:54,834
(SINGING)
1135
00:55:01,758 --> 00:55:03,051
Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to
1136
00:55:03,134 --> 00:55:04,344
get serious about
opening a restaurant
1137
00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:05,428
we got to start
planning it now.
1138
00:55:05,512 --> 00:55:06,721
Italian.
Italian, yes.
1139
00:55:06,763 --> 00:55:08,473
What's the special on Tuesdays?
Eggplant parm.
1140
00:55:08,556 --> 00:55:09,599
Chopped salad, half price.
1141
00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:10,850
And it's
a non-restricted place.
1142
00:55:10,934 --> 00:55:12,811
Yeah. What do you mean?
Anybody can come.
1143
00:55:12,894 --> 00:55:14,312
Of course.
Jews are welcome.
1144
00:55:14,395 --> 00:55:15,480
Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?
1145
00:55:15,563 --> 00:55:16,648
Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.
1146
00:55:16,731 --> 00:55:17,816
Why even bring that up?
1147
00:55:17,899 --> 00:55:19,123
You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.
1148
00:55:19,192 --> 00:55:20,652
Why mention it?
No one will.
1149
00:55:20,735 --> 00:55:21,778
Why are we
talking about it?
1150
00:55:21,861 --> 00:55:23,358
You're talking about it. I'm
just saying, let them in.
1151
00:55:23,404 --> 00:55:25,240
Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.
1152
00:55:25,323 --> 00:55:26,324
No Mexicans, though.
1153
00:55:26,574 --> 00:55:27,742
(SINGING)
1154
00:55:29,410 --> 00:55:31,287
This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.
1155
00:55:31,412 --> 00:55:32,705
(SINGING)
1156
00:55:43,091 --> 00:55:45,134
Trust me, I can do this.
Shut up.
1157
00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:46,469
Let him try it, man.
1158
00:55:46,594 --> 00:55:47,804
All right, fuck it.
1159
00:55:49,931 --> 00:55:51,057
(GUESTS CHEERING)
1160
00:55:51,307 --> 00:55:53,268
ALL: Go, go, go!
1161
00:55:57,939 --> 00:55:59,107
(SCREAMING)
1162
00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:03,111
You son of a bitch!
1163
00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:05,363
Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.
1164
00:56:05,780 --> 00:56:07,115
(SINGING)
1165
00:56:14,289 --> 00:56:16,124
Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.
1166
00:56:16,207 --> 00:56:18,626
Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.
1167
00:56:18,710 --> 00:56:21,796
Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.
1168
00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:23,256
(SINGING)
1169
00:56:24,757 --> 00:56:26,885
You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.
1170
00:56:26,968 --> 00:56:28,595
(SINGING)
1171
00:56:33,933 --> 00:56:37,103
A-E-I-O-U
1172
00:56:39,314 --> 00:56:42,483
See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.
1173
00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:43,568
You were right.
1174
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:46,237
If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.
1175
00:56:46,404 --> 00:56:47,447
Are you going to do it?
1176
00:56:47,530 --> 00:56:48,531
I'm going to
punch through it.
1177
00:56:48,698 --> 00:56:49,991
Come on, Sam, do it!
Do it!
1178
00:56:50,992 --> 00:56:52,994
(PLASTER SMASHING)
Oh, my God!
1179
00:56:54,412 --> 00:56:55,747
Yes! He did it!
1180
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,081
(SHOUTING IN CANTONESE)
1181
00:56:57,165 --> 00:56:58,207
What the hell you problem?
1182
00:56:58,374 --> 00:57:01,002
You break my wall!
I break you wall!
1183
00:57:01,085 --> 00:57:02,420
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
1184
00:57:02,503 --> 00:57:03,838
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
1185
00:57:05,465 --> 00:57:06,466
Break his arm off!
1186
00:57:06,549 --> 00:57:08,343
We're going to die.
We're all going to die.
1187
00:57:08,468 --> 00:57:09,928
Break this up,
break this up.
1188
00:57:10,011 --> 00:57:11,012
Get him!
1189
00:57:11,179 --> 00:57:12,138
(YELLING)
1190
00:57:12,221 --> 00:57:15,099
MING: You break my wall!
This my home long time.
1191
00:57:15,183 --> 00:57:16,976
You break my wall,
you bastard men.
1192
00:57:17,060 --> 00:57:18,436
We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?
1193
00:57:18,519 --> 00:57:21,147
I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.
1194
00:57:21,230 --> 00:57:23,983
Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.
1195
00:57:24,150 --> 00:57:25,610
My name is Wan Ming.
1196
00:57:25,902 --> 00:57:26,945
Ming?
1197
00:57:27,111 --> 00:57:28,863
You pay many dollar
for wall!
1198
00:57:28,947 --> 00:57:31,658
This bullshit!
This all bullshit!
1199
00:57:31,824 --> 00:57:33,826
Death to Ming!
1200
00:57:39,874 --> 00:57:40,875
(ALL CHEERING)
1201
00:57:41,084 --> 00:57:42,418
(SQUAWKING)
1202
00:57:51,302 --> 00:57:52,387
(SNARLS)
1203
00:57:55,515 --> 00:57:56,516
(SCREAMS)
1204
00:57:57,433 --> 00:57:58,559
Rape!
1205
00:57:58,726 --> 00:57:59,894
(YELLING)
1206
00:58:01,270 --> 00:58:02,313
Sam, let him go.
1207
00:58:07,819 --> 00:58:09,946
You crazy!
You crazy, man!
1208
00:58:10,363 --> 00:58:11,823
Come on, James Franco.
1209
00:58:14,951 --> 00:58:17,078
You pay for wall!
1210
00:58:17,412 --> 00:58:18,913
Move, sucker!
1211
00:58:36,639 --> 00:58:38,683
Greatest night ever!
1212
00:58:45,940 --> 00:58:47,150
(SIGHS)
1213
00:58:49,527 --> 00:58:50,737
Hey.
1214
00:58:51,029 --> 00:58:52,071
Hey, Guy.
1215
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,698
What's going on?
1216
00:58:54,615 --> 00:58:57,035
This is Jared. He's the
guy who beat me up.
1217
00:58:57,452 --> 00:58:58,953
And we're in love.
1218
00:58:59,954 --> 00:59:00,913
Huh?
1219
00:59:00,997 --> 00:59:03,833
Turns out I'm gay,
or whatever.
1220
00:59:04,625 --> 00:59:05,668
I had no idea.
1221
00:59:06,878 --> 00:59:10,048
Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.
1222
00:59:13,593 --> 00:59:14,719
SAM: How we doing, ace?
1223
00:59:15,219 --> 00:59:16,512
You coming down?
1224
00:59:16,679 --> 00:59:18,514
Yeah, I don't feel so good.
1225
00:59:18,681 --> 00:59:21,642
Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.
1226
00:59:22,143 --> 00:59:23,436
You want a Xanax?
1227
00:59:25,021 --> 00:59:26,230
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
1228
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,315
What?
1229
00:59:28,483 --> 00:59:30,151
I got to go.
1230
00:59:38,201 --> 00:59:39,243
Lori, I...
1231
00:59:40,661 --> 00:59:41,829
Lori!
1232
00:59:43,706 --> 00:59:46,000
Lori, wait, please.
1233
00:59:46,876 --> 00:59:48,753
Look, I'm sorry,
I messed up...
1234
00:59:48,836 --> 00:59:50,713
John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.
1235
00:59:51,172 --> 00:59:52,590
Can I... Just give
me the car keys.
1236
00:59:52,673 --> 00:59:54,550
Can I please just explain? No.
1237
00:59:54,759 --> 00:59:55,760
Look, I was...
1238
00:59:55,843 --> 00:59:58,262
I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.
1239
00:59:58,429 --> 01:00:01,057
I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...
1240
01:00:01,224 --> 01:00:03,184
Just give me
the car keys.
1241
01:00:13,528 --> 01:00:14,821
Lori.
1242
01:00:15,196 --> 01:00:16,739
Lori, please, I love you.
1243
01:00:30,545 --> 01:00:33,256
Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.
1244
01:00:33,339 --> 01:00:35,424
That guy from your office
is in there on the couch
1245
01:00:35,508 --> 01:00:37,635
making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.
1246
01:00:37,885 --> 01:00:39,887
You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.
1247
01:00:40,763 --> 01:00:41,806
What?
1248
01:00:41,889 --> 01:00:44,142
Do you know
what just happened?
1249
01:00:44,225 --> 01:00:46,602
Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!
1250
01:00:47,311 --> 01:00:48,813
Come on.
She'll go home,
1251
01:00:48,896 --> 01:00:50,898
she'll watch Bridget
Jones-something-asshole.
1252
01:00:50,982 --> 01:00:53,192
She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.
1253
01:00:53,317 --> 01:00:55,027
Come on upstairs. Are you
even listening to me?
1254
01:00:55,111 --> 01:00:57,238
Do you give any
shred of a shit?
1255
01:00:58,406 --> 01:01:00,158
Of course I do, Johnny.
1256
01:01:00,241 --> 01:01:02,118
"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?
1257
01:01:02,201 --> 01:01:04,787
Jesus! Lori was right.
1258
01:01:04,871 --> 01:01:07,248
I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.
1259
01:01:07,415 --> 01:01:09,333
I'm never going to have
a life with you around.
1260
01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:11,961
I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.
1261
01:01:12,044 --> 01:01:15,506
All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.
1262
01:01:15,590 --> 01:01:18,092
Because of that, I just
lost the love of my life.
1263
01:01:18,843 --> 01:01:20,219
Johnny, I'm...
1264
01:01:20,386 --> 01:01:21,512
I'm sorry.
1265
01:01:21,679 --> 01:01:24,015
I gotta be on my own, Ted.
I can't see you any more.
1266
01:01:26,726 --> 01:01:28,853
John, wait. Listen.
1267
01:01:29,228 --> 01:01:31,355
RECORDED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
1268
01:02:30,539 --> 01:02:34,043
So, word through the
grapevine is that you're
1269
01:02:34,168 --> 01:02:35,253
newly solo.
1270
01:02:35,461 --> 01:02:37,380
Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.
1271
01:02:37,713 --> 01:02:40,800
I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight
1272
01:02:40,883 --> 01:02:43,511
and I would love it
if you would go with me.
1273
01:02:43,803 --> 01:02:46,806
You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?
1274
01:02:47,265 --> 01:02:49,433
Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.
1275
01:02:49,517 --> 01:02:50,518
Please.
1276
01:02:50,810 --> 01:02:54,146
This is the first time
that you've been single
1277
01:02:54,230 --> 01:02:55,731
in all the years
you've worked here.
1278
01:02:56,399 --> 01:02:58,985
Just go out with me
one time.
1279
01:02:59,068 --> 01:03:00,778
And if you're miserable
and you hate it
1280
01:03:00,861 --> 01:03:05,199
then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.
1281
01:03:06,742 --> 01:03:07,743
Please.
1282
01:03:07,994 --> 01:03:09,453
Rex, I don't think
it's smart.
1283
01:03:09,578 --> 01:03:11,706
I'm an asshole,
I know that.
1284
01:03:11,789 --> 01:03:13,124
It worked for me
in high school,
1285
01:03:13,207 --> 01:03:14,709
and it's been
a reflex ever since.
1286
01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:17,336
Lori,
the worst that can happen
1287
01:03:17,712 --> 01:03:20,172
is that you go on
a fun, casual date
1288
01:03:20,256 --> 01:03:22,300
with a guy who
just wants a chance
1289
01:03:22,383 --> 01:03:25,886
to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.
1290
01:03:25,970 --> 01:03:28,306
Plus, you are a huge catch.
1291
01:03:28,389 --> 01:03:30,433
And it's about time someone
treated you that way.
1292
01:03:32,685 --> 01:03:34,687
(SIGHS) Fuck it. Fine.
1293
01:03:34,854 --> 01:03:37,064
Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.
1294
01:03:37,148 --> 01:03:39,358
And if that means
getting you off my back,
1295
01:03:39,442 --> 01:03:40,776
well, that's just a bonus.
1296
01:03:40,860 --> 01:03:42,320
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
1297
01:03:47,908 --> 01:03:49,118
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1298
01:03:49,910 --> 01:03:52,455
Johnny. It's me.
1299
01:03:52,872 --> 01:03:53,914
Go away.
1300
01:03:54,248 --> 01:03:56,959
Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.
1301
01:04:02,423 --> 01:04:03,674
(GRUNTING)
1302
01:04:06,677 --> 01:04:08,721
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?
1303
01:04:08,888 --> 01:04:11,098
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?
1304
01:04:11,265 --> 01:04:13,267
But just listen to me
for five seconds.
1305
01:04:13,476 --> 01:04:15,644
I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.
1306
01:04:15,728 --> 01:04:16,729
What?
1307
01:04:16,812 --> 01:04:18,147
I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her
1308
01:04:18,230 --> 01:04:19,857
and maybe take some
of the heat off you.
1309
01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:21,317
And there he was,
picking her up.
1310
01:04:21,400 --> 01:04:22,735
They were going
to the Hatch Shell.
1311
01:04:22,902 --> 01:04:24,820
You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?
1312
01:04:24,904 --> 01:04:26,489
How stupid
do you think I am?
1313
01:04:26,572 --> 01:04:28,074
If you think that by
making shit like that up
1314
01:04:28,157 --> 01:04:30,117
you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you
1315
01:04:30,201 --> 01:04:31,369
over her you're out
of your fucking mind.
1316
01:04:31,452 --> 01:04:33,621
Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.
1317
01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:35,623
You know what?
Get out of here.
1318
01:04:36,582 --> 01:04:39,001
You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?
1319
01:04:39,168 --> 01:04:40,586
What? I'm acting
like a cock?
1320
01:04:40,669 --> 01:04:41,670
Yes, you are.
1321
01:04:41,754 --> 01:04:43,756
So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.
1322
01:04:43,964 --> 01:04:45,466
Huh?
Meat hole? What?
1323
01:04:45,549 --> 01:04:47,093
That's not right,
is it? No.
1324
01:04:47,259 --> 01:04:49,011
"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?
1325
01:04:49,095 --> 01:04:50,179
No, it can't be
that either.
1326
01:04:50,429 --> 01:04:53,682
Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
1327
01:04:53,849 --> 01:04:56,018
(CHUCKLES)
Right? Pink Floyd.
1328
01:04:56,185 --> 01:04:58,020
Look, the point is,
you're blaming me
1329
01:04:58,104 --> 01:04:59,855
for something that
you did to yourself.
1330
01:05:00,523 --> 01:05:01,732
Lori was right about you.
1331
01:05:01,899 --> 01:05:05,528
You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.
1332
01:05:05,694 --> 01:05:06,737
Oh, and you can?
1333
01:05:06,821 --> 01:05:09,073
I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.
1334
01:05:09,532 --> 01:05:12,701
You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.
1335
01:05:12,785 --> 01:05:15,746
I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.
1336
01:05:15,830 --> 01:05:16,997
You can't stand there
and tell me
1337
01:05:17,081 --> 01:05:19,125
that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.
1338
01:05:19,208 --> 01:05:20,584
It works out
so much better for you
1339
01:05:20,668 --> 01:05:21,961
when you and I are
getting fucked up
1340
01:05:22,044 --> 01:05:23,295
on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?
1341
01:05:23,587 --> 01:05:24,672
(SCOFFS)
Listen to yourself.
1342
01:05:24,839 --> 01:05:27,383
What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?
1343
01:05:27,550 --> 01:05:29,135
That's your choice, John.
1344
01:05:29,343 --> 01:05:31,053
And by blaming me,
you, you're just
1345
01:05:31,137 --> 01:05:32,763
making yourself
look like a pussy.
1346
01:05:35,391 --> 01:05:37,143
Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning
1347
01:05:37,226 --> 01:05:38,394
when I was eight years old.
1348
01:05:38,477 --> 01:05:40,187
I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
1349
01:05:41,772 --> 01:05:43,315
Say that one more time.
1350
01:05:43,732 --> 01:05:46,610
Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!
1351
01:06:09,884 --> 01:06:10,968
JOHN: Shit!
1352
01:06:12,970 --> 01:06:14,472
(GROANING)
1353
01:06:15,222 --> 01:06:16,307
Fuck, man!
1354
01:06:18,058 --> 01:06:19,226
(PANTING)
1355
01:06:24,732 --> 01:06:25,858
(YELLING)
1356
01:06:33,449 --> 01:06:34,533
(GROANS)
1357
01:06:56,263 --> 01:06:57,431
(COUGHS)
1358
01:07:01,185 --> 01:07:02,853
Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!
1359
01:07:04,188 --> 01:07:05,898
Fucking stop! Fuck!
1360
01:07:08,817 --> 01:07:09,902
(GROANS)
1361
01:07:09,985 --> 01:07:11,111
(COUGHS)
1362
01:07:18,118 --> 01:07:19,328
(SOBBING)
Why are you crying?
1363
01:07:19,995 --> 01:07:23,290
My dick is squished
by the TV.
1364
01:07:33,175 --> 01:07:34,969
I'm so sorry, Johnny.
1365
01:07:35,177 --> 01:07:36,637
So am I, man.
1366
01:07:37,179 --> 01:07:38,639
I love you.
1367
01:07:38,806 --> 01:07:40,307
I love you, too.
1368
01:07:40,808 --> 01:07:42,142
Listen.
1369
01:07:42,685 --> 01:07:45,062
You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.
1370
01:07:45,479 --> 01:07:47,982
There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.
1371
01:07:48,357 --> 01:07:52,069
No, John.
We can get her back.
1372
01:07:52,278 --> 01:07:53,279
Look,
1373
01:07:54,321 --> 01:07:56,407
you remember
when you were 10,
1374
01:07:56,574 --> 01:07:59,201
and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?
1375
01:07:59,368 --> 01:08:01,078
And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,
1376
01:08:01,161 --> 01:08:03,205
we both started crying,
you remember?
1377
01:08:03,372 --> 01:08:04,707
And then we ran up to it
1378
01:08:04,832 --> 01:08:09,003
and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.
1379
01:08:09,169 --> 01:08:11,005
John, we could
do that again.
1380
01:08:11,088 --> 01:08:12,131
Ted,
1381
01:08:12,339 --> 01:08:14,967
we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.
1382
01:08:15,050 --> 01:08:16,218
It died.
1383
01:08:17,428 --> 01:08:20,472
Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.
1384
01:08:21,181 --> 01:08:22,850
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1385
01:08:28,606 --> 01:08:29,815
(SINGING)
1386
01:09:02,681 --> 01:09:04,058
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1387
01:09:09,355 --> 01:09:10,481
Yeah!
1388
01:09:10,564 --> 01:09:13,484
Thanks. We're going to take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few.
1389
01:09:21,659 --> 01:09:23,243
TED: Play Chopsticks,
you jazzy slut.
1390
01:09:23,327 --> 01:09:24,370
Teddy!
1391
01:09:24,578 --> 01:09:25,621
(LAUGHS)
1392
01:09:25,704 --> 01:09:26,664
How are you?
1393
01:09:26,747 --> 01:09:28,374
How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?
1394
01:09:28,457 --> 01:09:30,459
Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick
1395
01:09:30,542 --> 01:09:33,087
who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.
1396
01:09:33,754 --> 01:09:35,172
Half-indian, but thanks.
1397
01:09:35,255 --> 01:09:36,256
Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.
1398
01:09:36,340 --> 01:09:38,342
Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?
1399
01:09:38,425 --> 01:09:40,177
John Bennett, Norah Jones.
1400
01:09:40,260 --> 01:09:41,845
Hi, Norah Jones.
1401
01:09:41,929 --> 01:09:44,098
Hey, there, sweaty.
1402
01:09:45,766 --> 01:09:47,017
You ready to
bring down the house?
1403
01:09:47,101 --> 01:09:50,270
Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...
1404
01:09:50,354 --> 01:09:52,356
Ma'am Jones.
Thank you.
1405
01:09:52,523 --> 01:09:54,108
Jesus, you look fantastic.
1406
01:09:54,400 --> 01:09:56,694
Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.
1407
01:09:56,777 --> 01:09:58,237
Yeah, I know, right?
1408
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:01,949
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a
party at Belinda Carlisle's house
1409
01:10:02,116 --> 01:10:04,493
and we had awkward
fuzzy sex in the coatroom.
1410
01:10:04,660 --> 01:10:06,662
Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.
1411
01:10:06,870 --> 01:10:09,957
You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.
1412
01:10:10,582 --> 01:10:11,792
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1413
01:10:12,668 --> 01:10:13,752
NORAH: Thank you.
1414
01:10:13,919 --> 01:10:15,671
Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest
1415
01:10:15,754 --> 01:10:17,256
and bring a friend up
to the stage.
1416
01:10:17,423 --> 01:10:19,550
He's going to sing a
song to a special lady
1417
01:10:19,633 --> 01:10:21,802
in the audience
who he loves very much.
1418
01:10:21,969 --> 01:10:24,888
Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.
1419
01:10:28,100 --> 01:10:30,144
Oh, my God.
1420
01:10:30,227 --> 01:10:32,104
Holy shit!
1421
01:10:35,816 --> 01:10:37,651
I gotta fuck her again.
1422
01:10:37,901 --> 01:10:38,902
Uh...
1423
01:10:38,986 --> 01:10:42,489
Hi, my name is John Bennett,
1424
01:10:42,823 --> 01:10:44,825
and this is
for Lori Collins.
1425
01:10:45,784 --> 01:10:46,994
Because I love you.
1426
01:10:48,162 --> 01:10:52,332
This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.
1427
01:10:53,417 --> 01:10:55,002
The night we met.
1428
01:10:55,169 --> 01:10:59,006
This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.
1429
01:10:59,256 --> 01:11:00,674
(PLAYING THEME SONG)
1430
01:11:03,761 --> 01:11:10,350
(SINGING) All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two
1431
01:11:11,185 --> 01:11:15,606
Had no intention to do
1432
01:11:16,815 --> 01:11:18,817
Still better
than Katy Perry.
1433
01:11:21,945 --> 01:11:25,532
Funny how it
always goes with love
1434
01:11:25,699 --> 01:11:29,244
When you don't look,
you find
1435
01:11:29,411 --> 01:11:33,332
But then
we're two of a kind
1436
01:11:34,291 --> 01:11:36,543
(IN FALSETTO)
We move as one
1437
01:11:37,127 --> 01:11:38,462
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
1438
01:11:38,545 --> 01:11:41,548
We're an all time high
1439
01:11:41,924 --> 01:11:43,258
You suck,
get off the stage!
1440
01:11:43,342 --> 01:11:44,885
Come on.
Give him a chance.
1441
01:11:45,511 --> 01:11:46,804
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES BOOING)
1442
01:11:47,721 --> 01:11:50,474
Doing so much more
1443
01:11:50,682 --> 01:11:51,767
You're an asshole!
1444
01:11:52,351 --> 01:11:53,644
Than falling...
1445
01:11:55,854 --> 01:11:56,897
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
1446
01:11:58,190 --> 01:11:59,274
Oh, Jesus!
1447
01:12:00,859 --> 01:12:02,528
Someone call an ambulance!
1448
01:12:07,241 --> 01:12:08,742
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)
1449
01:12:11,954 --> 01:12:13,539
REX: That was insane.
1450
01:12:13,622 --> 01:12:15,499
Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?
1451
01:12:15,582 --> 01:12:17,209
He was like a rag doll.
1452
01:12:17,584 --> 01:12:19,586
Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.
1453
01:12:19,670 --> 01:12:21,255
Do you want to go
get a drink after this?
1454
01:12:21,338 --> 01:12:24,258
I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.
1455
01:12:24,341 --> 01:12:27,177
(CLEARS THROAT) No, I think I'd
rather just have you take me home.
1456
01:12:27,261 --> 01:12:29,179
One drink.
Come on.
1457
01:12:29,263 --> 01:12:31,181
No, not really
feeling up to it.
1458
01:12:31,265 --> 01:12:33,100
All right, I get it.
1459
01:12:33,183 --> 01:12:36,186
And, you know,
I don't blame you.
1460
01:12:36,270 --> 01:12:37,855
I mean,
when you think about it,
1461
01:12:37,938 --> 01:12:41,191
it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.
1462
01:12:42,401 --> 01:12:44,862
Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.
1463
01:12:45,279 --> 01:12:48,073
Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.
1464
01:12:50,242 --> 01:12:53,245
You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.
1465
01:12:53,745 --> 01:12:54,830
Where are you going?
1466
01:12:54,997 --> 01:12:58,000
Taking a cab.
I'm going home.
1467
01:13:01,169 --> 01:13:02,212
(FARTING)
1468
01:13:02,296 --> 01:13:03,672
Finally.
1469
01:13:04,965 --> 01:13:06,258
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1470
01:13:14,808 --> 01:13:16,018
TED: Down here.
1471
01:13:16,101 --> 01:13:17,769
Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.
1472
01:13:17,853 --> 01:13:20,355
Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.
1473
01:13:20,522 --> 01:13:22,149
Ted, what are you
doing here?
1474
01:13:22,983 --> 01:13:24,318
I need to talk to you.
1475
01:13:24,818 --> 01:13:26,904
Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...
1476
01:13:26,987 --> 01:13:28,864
Look, just let me
talk first, all right?
1477
01:13:28,947 --> 01:13:30,824
And then you can
say whatever you want.
1478
01:13:35,245 --> 01:13:38,916
(SIGHS) Look, John
loves you very much,
1479
01:13:38,999 --> 01:13:40,417
more than
anything in the world,
1480
01:13:40,500 --> 01:13:43,545
and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.
1481
01:13:44,087 --> 01:13:45,964
He knows
he screwed up huge
1482
01:13:46,048 --> 01:13:49,509
but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.
1483
01:13:49,593 --> 01:13:53,305
I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."
1484
01:13:53,388 --> 01:13:57,392
He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.
1485
01:13:57,893 --> 01:13:59,937
So, if you just give him
one more chance
1486
01:14:00,562 --> 01:14:03,774
I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.
1487
01:14:03,941 --> 01:14:06,068
All right?
He'll be all yours.
1488
01:14:06,944 --> 01:14:08,904
Ted, that's
a really nice offer,
1489
01:14:08,987 --> 01:14:11,365
but I don't want
you to do that.
1490
01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:15,535
This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.
1491
01:14:15,702 --> 01:14:17,079
Yeah, because of me!
1492
01:14:17,204 --> 01:14:20,457
Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.
1493
01:14:20,540 --> 01:14:22,459
But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,
1494
01:14:22,542 --> 01:14:24,670
he's always going to
be a boy.
1495
01:14:26,713 --> 01:14:29,466
He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.
1496
01:14:29,633 --> 01:14:33,220
So, if you go down there
and just talk to him
1497
01:14:33,387 --> 01:14:35,222
I'll be gone
when you get back.
1498
01:14:36,139 --> 01:14:37,432
Forever.
1499
01:14:37,891 --> 01:14:40,811
And, you'll see,
1500
01:14:40,894 --> 01:14:43,897
he'll never be
scared of thunder again.
1501
01:15:27,607 --> 01:15:31,236
"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."
1502
01:15:31,403 --> 01:15:33,697
My God,
America is imploding.
1503
01:15:42,748 --> 01:15:43,790
Hi, Ted.
1504
01:15:44,416 --> 01:15:45,459
Fuck!
1505
01:16:04,686 --> 01:16:05,979
Lori, what...
1506
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,522
Hey.
1507
01:16:07,689 --> 01:16:08,899
What are you doing here?
1508
01:16:09,483 --> 01:16:11,318
You can thank Ted.
1509
01:16:14,988 --> 01:16:17,199
Should I sit?
1510
01:16:17,657 --> 01:16:19,701
Yeah, if you want.
1511
01:16:19,951 --> 01:16:21,244
Okay.
1512
01:16:23,330 --> 01:16:25,040
So, work's good?
Everything good, there?
1513
01:16:25,207 --> 01:16:27,709
Yeah. Yeah, work's good.
1514
01:16:29,503 --> 01:16:32,047
I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?
1515
01:16:33,340 --> 01:16:37,052
If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.
1516
01:16:38,178 --> 01:16:39,721
I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,
1517
01:16:39,805 --> 01:16:41,264
it was a huge
misunderstanding,
1518
01:16:41,348 --> 01:16:43,892
and I'm ready to change,
1519
01:16:44,017 --> 01:16:45,852
but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.
1520
01:16:46,686 --> 01:16:49,022
I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.
1521
01:16:49,523 --> 01:16:50,565
Why would you?
1522
01:16:50,649 --> 01:16:52,567
I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.
1523
01:16:52,651 --> 01:16:54,277
I don't deserve you.
1524
01:16:55,028 --> 01:16:58,782
I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,
1525
01:16:58,865 --> 01:17:00,700
I do love you more
than life itself.
1526
01:17:02,661 --> 01:17:06,081
All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.
1527
01:17:06,164 --> 01:17:07,457
I owe that to you.
1528
01:17:07,624 --> 01:17:10,043
I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.
1529
01:17:10,877 --> 01:17:14,840
And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.
1530
01:17:16,550 --> 01:17:18,468
Thank you for
being so honest.
1531
01:17:21,555 --> 01:17:23,515
That's pretty much it.
1532
01:17:26,268 --> 01:17:27,394
Thanks for coming by.
1533
01:17:49,457 --> 01:17:50,584
(TED GRUNTING)
1534
01:17:58,884 --> 01:18:00,010
TED: Whoa!
1535
01:18:03,096 --> 01:18:05,682
Yeah, as you can see
1536
01:18:05,765 --> 01:18:09,102
you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.
1537
01:18:10,937 --> 01:18:12,189
Welcome home.
1538
01:18:12,272 --> 01:18:13,815
Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.
1539
01:18:13,899 --> 01:18:16,276
I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.
1540
01:18:16,526 --> 01:18:18,278
Is he all mine, Daddy?
1541
01:18:18,904 --> 01:18:22,199
Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.
1542
01:18:22,574 --> 01:18:24,659
Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.
1543
01:18:24,743 --> 01:18:26,494
It's almost
Robert's play hour.
1544
01:18:26,703 --> 01:18:29,080
Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.
1545
01:18:29,164 --> 01:18:32,042
I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.
1546
01:18:32,876 --> 01:18:34,461
Yeah.
1547
01:18:34,544 --> 01:18:36,421
No. Yeah. No.
1548
01:18:36,963 --> 01:18:37,964
Yeah.
1549
01:18:45,513 --> 01:18:47,474
TED: Yeah, see,
there's the guy.
1550
01:18:47,766 --> 01:18:51,269
Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.
1551
01:18:51,436 --> 01:18:53,438
You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?
1552
01:18:53,605 --> 01:18:54,940
That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...
1553
01:18:55,023 --> 01:18:56,149
(SHOUTING) Language!
1554
01:18:56,233 --> 01:18:57,734
Sorry. Sorry.
1555
01:19:02,989 --> 01:19:05,951
You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,
1556
01:19:08,036 --> 01:19:10,247
I saw you on television.
1557
01:19:10,413 --> 01:19:11,873
And I thought you were
the most amazing,
1558
01:19:11,957 --> 01:19:14,626
most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.
1559
01:19:15,752 --> 01:19:20,423
And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.
1560
01:19:20,507 --> 01:19:21,925
And he said, "No."
1561
01:19:22,300 --> 01:19:24,511
Can you just email me
the rest of this story?
1562
01:19:24,886 --> 01:19:26,930
And I was so heartbroken.
1563
01:19:27,639 --> 01:19:30,433
And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,
1564
01:19:30,600 --> 01:19:35,689
I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.
1565
01:19:37,816 --> 01:19:39,109
Even
1566
01:19:39,276 --> 01:19:42,279
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.
1567
01:19:42,362 --> 01:19:44,364
Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.
1568
01:19:44,906 --> 01:19:47,909
Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.
1569
01:19:51,538 --> 01:19:53,164
Happy playtime.
1570
01:19:55,125 --> 01:19:57,210
Jesus fucking Christ!
1571
01:19:57,294 --> 01:19:59,421
I said a bad word
one time.
1572
01:20:00,213 --> 01:20:01,840
Daddy punished me
for it.
1573
01:20:01,923 --> 01:20:04,175
That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.
1574
01:20:04,384 --> 01:20:06,177
Daddy gave me an ouch.
1575
01:20:06,469 --> 01:20:09,180
Now, I have to
give you an ouch.
1576
01:20:10,056 --> 01:20:11,308
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
1577
01:20:14,227 --> 01:20:16,563
All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.
1578
01:20:16,646 --> 01:20:18,231
What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?
1579
01:20:18,315 --> 01:20:19,733
It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.
1580
01:20:19,816 --> 01:20:21,735
Yeah, I want to
play a game.
1581
01:20:21,818 --> 01:20:23,862
Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...
1582
01:20:23,945 --> 01:20:25,697
How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?
1583
01:20:26,072 --> 01:20:28,283
I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.
1584
01:20:28,450 --> 01:20:30,618
Now, hang on a sec, there.
1585
01:20:30,702 --> 01:20:34,247
Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
1586
01:20:34,581 --> 01:20:36,458
Okay. You hide first.
1587
01:20:36,541 --> 01:20:37,625
Great. Fantastic.
1588
01:20:37,709 --> 01:20:41,212
Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?
1589
01:20:41,296 --> 01:20:42,339
Okay.
1590
01:20:43,882 --> 01:20:46,551
Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?
1591
01:20:47,260 --> 01:20:50,555
No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.
1592
01:20:52,682 --> 01:20:54,768
One, two,
1593
01:20:55,643 --> 01:20:59,105
three, four, five,
1594
01:20:59,814 --> 01:21:01,900
six, seven...
1595
01:21:02,067 --> 01:21:04,235
No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.
1596
01:21:04,402 --> 01:21:07,697
...eight, nine, ten,
1597
01:21:08,365 --> 01:21:11,826
eleven, twelve,
thirteen...
1598
01:21:20,001 --> 01:21:21,544
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1599
01:21:24,172 --> 01:21:25,340
(SINGING)
1600
01:22:03,670 --> 01:22:04,921
(STAPLING)
Ah!
1601
01:22:05,088 --> 01:22:06,798
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
1602
01:22:31,156 --> 01:22:32,198
Hey.
1603
01:22:32,740 --> 01:22:33,992
Hey.
1604
01:22:35,285 --> 01:22:36,578
You walking home
alone, huh?
1605
01:22:37,036 --> 01:22:38,079
Yeah.
1606
01:22:39,414 --> 01:22:40,582
Do you need a lift?
1607
01:22:40,999 --> 01:22:42,083
Oh, I'm okay.
1608
01:22:42,167 --> 01:22:44,836
If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.
1609
01:22:45,712 --> 01:22:47,922
Listen, John.
1610
01:22:49,174 --> 01:22:51,426
There's something that I
need to say to you, too.
1611
01:23:01,311 --> 01:23:02,729
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1612
01:23:06,858 --> 01:23:08,568
Hey.
Hey.
1613
01:23:08,818 --> 01:23:10,487
John, I hope that...
1614
01:23:11,237 --> 01:23:13,406
Listen, I don't want
you to think that...
1615
01:23:13,531 --> 01:23:14,866
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1616
01:23:16,534 --> 01:23:17,869
Sorry.
1617
01:23:18,369 --> 01:23:21,331
I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...
1618
01:23:21,414 --> 01:23:22,415
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1619
01:23:22,499 --> 01:23:23,541
Go ahead.
1620
01:23:23,625 --> 01:23:25,335
Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.
1621
01:23:25,418 --> 01:23:26,878
John, it's me.
Can you hear me?
1622
01:23:27,378 --> 01:23:29,547
Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.
1623
01:23:29,631 --> 01:23:31,591
No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.
1624
01:23:32,008 --> 01:23:33,259
What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?
1625
01:23:33,426 --> 01:23:35,470
They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,
1626
01:23:35,553 --> 01:23:37,222
and that kid who I
think is his son,
1627
01:23:37,305 --> 01:23:38,681
but may also be his lover,
I don't know.
1628
01:23:38,765 --> 01:23:40,099
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Where are you?
1629
01:23:40,350 --> 01:23:41,434
Uh...
1630
01:23:41,518 --> 01:23:42,894
I'm not sure, it's...
1631
01:23:42,977 --> 01:23:44,020
(DIAL TONE)
1632
01:23:44,103 --> 01:23:46,105
Hello? Hello, John?
1633
01:23:47,482 --> 01:23:48,525
Hello?
1634
01:23:49,359 --> 01:23:51,861
You're not a very
polite guest, are you?
1635
01:23:51,945 --> 01:23:53,029
Shit!
1636
01:23:53,112 --> 01:23:55,323
Ted, hello? Ted?
1637
01:23:55,406 --> 01:23:56,783
What's the matter?
Is he okay?
1638
01:23:57,242 --> 01:23:58,952
I don't know.
Where is he?
1639
01:23:59,118 --> 01:24:00,828
I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.
1640
01:24:01,663 --> 01:24:03,039
Can you call him back?
1641
01:24:03,122 --> 01:24:04,332
No, it's blocked.
1642
01:24:05,500 --> 01:24:06,584
Wait a second.
1643
01:24:10,630 --> 01:24:12,590
Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.
1644
01:24:16,177 --> 01:24:17,804
Hello, 911?
1645
01:24:17,929 --> 01:24:19,222
I need the police
right away.
1646
01:24:19,389 --> 01:24:21,391
This guy took
my teddy bear.
1647
01:24:22,183 --> 01:24:23,226
Hello?
1648
01:24:26,104 --> 01:24:28,273
TED: Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!
1649
01:24:30,900 --> 01:24:31,901
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.
1650
01:24:31,985 --> 01:24:34,153
I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!
1651
01:24:34,362 --> 01:24:36,239
I am a citizen of
the United States of America
1652
01:24:36,322 --> 01:24:37,699
and I have rights!
(GRUNTS)
1653
01:24:40,451 --> 01:24:41,995
Robert, seatbelt.
1654
01:24:42,954 --> 01:24:44,831
JOHN: It should be
right here, somewhere.
1655
01:24:46,165 --> 01:24:47,500
(ENGINE REVVING)
1656
01:24:49,127 --> 01:24:50,169
Johnny!
1657
01:24:50,753 --> 01:24:53,256
Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!
1658
01:24:59,512 --> 01:25:00,555
Stay with them.
1659
01:25:04,726 --> 01:25:05,810
(HONKING)
1660
01:25:08,521 --> 01:25:09,564
Hang om
1661
01:25:25,705 --> 01:25:26,789
(GASPS)
1662
01:25:27,582 --> 01:25:28,875
Back off, Susan Boyle!
1663
01:25:34,088 --> 01:25:36,174
Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.
1664
01:25:41,137 --> 01:25:42,972
All right, easy.
Come on, Ted.
1665
01:25:46,559 --> 01:25:47,644
Shit!
Yes!
1666
01:25:47,935 --> 01:25:50,313
Hey, Johnny!
Total T.J. Hooker, right?
1667
01:25:50,396 --> 01:25:51,648
Yes! Fucking-A right!
1668
01:25:51,814 --> 01:25:52,940
(LAUGHS)
1669
01:25:53,608 --> 01:25:54,859
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1670
01:25:55,234 --> 01:25:56,361
Oh, shit!
1671
01:26:01,574 --> 01:26:02,575
Go! Go! Go!
1672
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,714
Daddy!
1673
01:26:18,758 --> 01:26:20,635
Let's see how well
you know these streets.
1674
01:26:22,595 --> 01:26:23,638
Where is he?
1675
01:26:37,527 --> 01:26:38,653
(GRUNTING)
1676
01:26:44,450 --> 01:26:45,576
Jesus!
1677
01:26:58,047 --> 01:26:59,298
JOHN: There he is.
Pull over.
1678
01:27:08,516 --> 01:27:09,517
(PANTING)
1679
01:27:15,606 --> 01:27:16,649
(GRUNTING)
1680
01:27:30,496 --> 01:27:31,581
(GRUNTING)
1681
01:27:32,874 --> 01:27:33,916
Where?
1682
01:27:36,002 --> 01:27:37,211
ROBERT: No!
1683
01:27:37,295 --> 01:27:41,382
You can't have
my teddy bear!
1684
01:27:47,847 --> 01:27:49,348
Holy shit.
1685
01:27:49,432 --> 01:27:50,475
Sorry.
1686
01:27:50,558 --> 01:27:52,518
Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.
1687
01:27:52,810 --> 01:27:54,353
Come on.
1688
01:27:59,025 --> 01:28:00,193
Ted?
1689
01:28:06,908 --> 01:28:08,034
Oh, my God!
1690
01:28:11,245 --> 01:28:12,288
Shit!
1691
01:28:37,146 --> 01:28:38,147
(GASPING)
1692
01:28:38,397 --> 01:28:39,440
JOHN: Jesus.
1693
01:28:39,732 --> 01:28:41,651
Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!
1694
01:28:52,954 --> 01:28:54,497
You're mine, Ted!
1695
01:28:54,831 --> 01:28:57,333
Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.
1696
01:28:57,416 --> 01:29:01,087
But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,
1697
01:29:01,712 --> 01:29:03,256
and dancing.
1698
01:29:03,548 --> 01:29:06,008
I think we're very
far apart on this.
1699
01:29:17,061 --> 01:29:18,104
(RIPPING)
1700
01:29:26,362 --> 01:29:28,072
Ted!
1701
01:29:56,475 --> 01:29:57,852
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
1702
01:30:16,120 --> 01:30:17,121
Oh, my God!
1703
01:30:17,204 --> 01:30:18,456
Ted!
1704
01:30:20,750 --> 01:30:21,834
John.
1705
01:30:22,501 --> 01:30:24,337
Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.
1706
01:30:29,842 --> 01:30:31,302
Johnny.
1707
01:30:31,510 --> 01:30:33,220
You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?
1708
01:30:33,304 --> 01:30:34,555
You're going to be fine.
1709
01:30:35,389 --> 01:30:38,476
Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.
1710
01:30:38,559 --> 01:30:40,436
No, look at me, buddy.
1711
01:30:40,519 --> 01:30:42,021
I promise,
you're going to be okay.
1712
01:30:43,272 --> 01:30:45,733
I don't think so. I'm...
1713
01:30:47,735 --> 01:30:48,819
I'm in trouble.
1714
01:30:49,820 --> 01:30:50,863
I need...
1715
01:30:51,364 --> 01:30:52,865
I need to
tell you something.
1716
01:30:53,366 --> 01:30:54,533
What is it?
1717
01:30:56,786 --> 01:30:59,622
Don't ever lose her again.
1718
01:31:00,373 --> 01:31:02,541
She's the most important...
1719
01:31:02,708 --> 01:31:03,918
(COUGHING)
1720
01:31:05,002 --> 01:31:07,338
...the most important
part of your life.
1721
01:31:09,340 --> 01:31:12,051
Even more than me.
1722
01:31:13,177 --> 01:31:15,721
She's your
thunder buddy now.
1723
01:31:16,889 --> 01:31:18,724
She's...
1724
01:31:35,908 --> 01:31:37,284
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1725
01:32:01,642 --> 01:32:03,185
I got it.
1726
01:32:18,951 --> 01:32:21,078
Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.
1727
01:32:21,162 --> 01:32:22,288
Please, just try.
1728
01:32:32,339 --> 01:32:34,008
Come on, buddy.
1729
01:32:53,444 --> 01:32:54,570
(SOBBING)
1730
01:33:20,513 --> 01:33:22,890
I'm so sorry.
1731
01:33:23,349 --> 01:33:26,185
You did everything
you could.
1732
01:33:26,894 --> 01:33:28,896
I'm so sorry.
1733
01:33:29,980 --> 01:33:31,065
(THUNDER CRASHING)
1734
01:35:46,575 --> 01:35:47,660
(SIGHS)
1735
01:36:03,300 --> 01:36:04,260
Ted!
1736
01:36:04,343 --> 01:36:05,427
I'm alive, Johnny!
1737
01:36:05,594 --> 01:36:06,595
Oh, my God!
1738
01:36:06,679 --> 01:36:08,973
I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!
1739
01:36:09,807 --> 01:36:10,849
You're back!
1740
01:36:11,058 --> 01:36:12,935
Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up
1741
01:36:13,018 --> 01:36:14,895
you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places
1742
01:36:14,979 --> 01:36:16,772
so I'm a little fucked up.
1743
01:36:16,855 --> 01:36:19,692
But will you take care of me
forever and ever?
1744
01:36:21,819 --> 01:36:23,821
(LAUGHS) I'm just Kidding you.
I thought it would be funny
1745
01:36:23,904 --> 01:36:25,489
if you thought
I was fucking retarded.
1746
01:36:25,864 --> 01:36:27,032
You asshole!
1747
01:36:27,449 --> 01:36:29,368
Come here, you bastard.
1748
01:36:29,702 --> 01:36:30,786
(LAUGHING)
1749
01:36:31,203 --> 01:36:32,246
Ah!
1750
01:36:32,538 --> 01:36:33,914
Welcome back, Ted.
1751
01:36:36,625 --> 01:36:37,668
It was you.
1752
01:36:38,919 --> 01:36:39,962
You did it.
1753
01:36:40,421 --> 01:36:41,797
Son of a bitch!
1754
01:36:42,298 --> 01:36:43,966
You wished for
my life back.
1755
01:36:44,216 --> 01:36:46,510
No. No.
1756
01:36:46,719 --> 01:36:48,512
I wished for my life back.
1757
01:37:01,275 --> 01:37:02,318
I love you.
1758
01:37:02,735 --> 01:37:04,445
I love you, too.
1759
01:37:06,447 --> 01:37:09,325
And I want you to know that,
after last night
1760
01:37:09,408 --> 01:37:12,453
I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.
1761
01:37:12,536 --> 01:37:14,830
I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.
1762
01:37:15,831 --> 01:37:17,291
Lori,
1763
01:37:18,667 --> 01:37:20,169
will you marry me?
1764
01:37:21,837 --> 01:37:24,590
All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.
1765
01:37:29,678 --> 01:37:34,475
NARRATOR: And so John, Lori and
Ted lived happily ever after.
1766
01:37:34,767 --> 01:37:39,646
Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.
1767
01:37:41,982 --> 01:37:45,069
John and Lori were
married in Cambridge
1768
01:37:45,152 --> 01:37:48,447
by a very special
Justice of the Peace.
1769
01:37:49,114 --> 01:37:51,867
By the power vested in me
1770
01:37:51,950 --> 01:37:54,953
by the New York Jets
1771
01:37:55,079 --> 01:37:59,083
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,
1772
01:37:59,208 --> 01:38:03,003
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
1773
01:38:03,087 --> 01:38:05,381
You may kiss the bride,
Johnny.
1774
01:38:09,051 --> 01:38:10,135
(CHEERING)
1775
01:38:23,899 --> 01:38:26,902
(MOUTHING)
Hi. Tom Skerritt.
1776
01:38:27,319 --> 01:38:28,821
(MOUTHING)
Tom Skerritt! Wow!
1777
01:38:29,279 --> 01:38:31,532
Thanks so much for coming.
1778
01:38:31,615 --> 01:38:34,827
My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.
1779
01:38:35,994 --> 01:38:39,039
I am so fake-happy
for her.
1780
01:39:05,941 --> 01:39:09,278
You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.
1781
01:39:09,361 --> 01:39:10,320
What's that?
1782
01:39:10,404 --> 01:39:11,488
Flash jump.
1783
01:39:11,572 --> 01:39:13,198
Right.
1784
01:39:13,282 --> 01:39:16,285
BOTH: One, two, three!
1785
01:39:16,452 --> 01:39:18,704
Yeah!
1786
01:39:22,374 --> 01:39:26,128
NARRATOR: And that's the story
of how one magical wish
1787
01:39:26,211 --> 01:39:30,632
forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.
1788
01:39:31,049 --> 01:39:35,762
Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.
1789
01:39:35,846 --> 01:39:39,141
One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter
1790
01:39:39,224 --> 01:39:42,686
eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.
1791
01:39:42,769 --> 01:39:46,190
He was instantly
promoted to store manager.
1792
01:39:46,565 --> 01:39:48,859
Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood
1793
01:39:48,942 --> 01:39:51,528
with the goal of
restarting his film career.
1794
01:39:51,612 --> 01:39:53,530
He currently
resides in Burbank
1795
01:39:53,614 --> 01:39:55,574
where he shares
a studio apartment
1796
01:39:56,408 --> 01:39:57,910
with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.
1797
01:39:57,993 --> 01:40:01,705
Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?
1798
01:40:01,788 --> 01:40:03,248
Jesus Christ!
1799
01:40:03,332 --> 01:40:07,211
Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.
1800
01:40:07,586 --> 01:40:10,797
Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.
1801
01:40:10,881 --> 01:40:13,800
Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression
1802
01:40:13,884 --> 01:40:16,220
and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.
1803
01:40:16,678 --> 01:40:19,181
Donny was arrested
by Boston police
1804
01:40:19,264 --> 01:40:22,017
and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.
1805
01:40:22,100 --> 01:40:24,645
The charges were dropped
when everyone realized
1806
01:40:24,728 --> 01:40:27,231
how completely stupid
that sounded.
1807
01:40:27,689 --> 01:40:31,109
Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight
1808
01:40:31,193 --> 01:40:32,486
and went on to become
1809
01:40:32,569 --> 01:40:34,613
Taylor Lautner.
1810
01:40:34,638 --> 01:40:36,638
(ENGLISH - US PSDH)
1810
01:40:37,305 --> 01:40:43,551
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