1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Created and Encoded by -- Bokutox -- of www.YIFY-TORRENTS.com. The Best 720p/1080p/3d movies with the lowest file size on the internet. 2 00:00:43,308 --> 00:00:47,677 Coolidge College was established in 18-- 3 00:00:47,779 --> 00:00:50,270 Who knows this? It was in your freshman facts. 4 00:00:50,382 --> 00:00:53,840 The first day of spring semester. 5 00:00:53,952 --> 00:00:56,011 A time to say good-bye to the parents once again... 6 00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:59,113 and say hello to a few new student bodies. 7 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,520 As for me, well... 8 00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:08,861 I like to start off each semester with a certain time-honored tradition. 9 00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:11,333 A ritual, if you will, that allows me... 10 00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:13,700 to get my head in the right place. 11 00:01:19,277 --> 00:01:22,769 Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old... 12 00:01:24,015 --> 00:01:26,609 but she is just so damn good. 13 00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:31,152 She's great with these quick jobs... 14 00:01:31,256 --> 00:01:34,384 plus there is no substitute for decades of experience. 15 00:01:34,492 --> 00:01:37,222 That looks amazing. 16 00:01:38,997 --> 00:01:40,555 That is perfect. You're a pro. 17 00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:42,064 A pro. 18 00:01:43,435 --> 00:01:44,732 Look at me. 19 00:01:44,836 --> 00:01:46,133 Pro. 20 00:01:48,006 --> 00:01:51,271 Well, gosh, that was great. Thanks for the quick job there. 21 00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:55,844 I need these in 20 minutes. 22 00:01:57,382 --> 00:01:58,679 Super. 23 00:02:16,034 --> 00:02:18,867 We've got a jumper! 24 00:02:33,051 --> 00:02:35,884 Hold on, son. You don't want to do this. 25 00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:39,514 I didn't want to come here either. They made me come! 26 00:02:39,624 --> 00:02:41,148 They made me! 27 00:02:43,294 --> 00:02:46,127 First year can be kind of scary, can't it, Timmy? 28 00:02:46,231 --> 00:02:48,756 My name's not-- 29 00:02:48,867 --> 00:02:52,132 But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... 30 00:02:52,237 --> 00:02:53,795 Timmy? 31 00:02:53,905 --> 00:02:56,999 I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter... 32 00:02:57,108 --> 00:02:58,973 because you'll die a lot of times. 33 00:02:59,844 --> 00:03:02,074 Write that down. 34 00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:05,741 - I don't have a pen. - Well, remember that then. 35 00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:08,250 And you know something, Timmy? 36 00:03:10,088 --> 00:03:12,750 I think you've got the balls to make it here. 37 00:03:12,857 --> 00:03:14,757 Call me nuts... 38 00:03:16,027 --> 00:03:17,927 but I believe in you. 39 00:03:20,432 --> 00:03:23,492 You see, Timmy, you can't let this lead you all the time. 40 00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,661 Sometimes you've gotta heed this. 41 00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:30,263 I think you've got a lot of heart in there, mister, don't you? 42 00:03:31,443 --> 00:03:33,911 Don't you? I mean, look around you. 43 00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:39,708 Timmy? 44 00:03:43,521 --> 00:03:45,489 Great work, Van. Thanks! 45 00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:47,524 Remember my credo, Timmy. 46 00:03:47,625 --> 00:03:50,492 Don't be a fool. Stay in school. 47 00:03:54,032 --> 00:03:56,091 God, I love this place. 48 00:03:58,236 --> 00:04:00,136 Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man. 49 00:04:00,238 --> 00:04:02,263 I called you last night, Van. 50 00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:09,542 My name is Van Wilder, and this is my home... 51 00:04:09,647 --> 00:04:11,012 Coolidge College. 52 00:04:20,992 --> 00:04:24,291 The last, well, seven years have gone by way too fast. 53 00:04:24,395 --> 00:04:28,798 This school's given me so much. I just can't seem to give enough back. 54 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,801 - That's Van. - That's him! 55 00:04:32,570 --> 00:04:33,969 Oh, my God! 56 00:04:35,073 --> 00:04:37,473 - Wow. - Yeah. Wow. 57 00:04:45,183 --> 00:04:47,743 I was the first-ever male cheerleader at Huntington High! 58 00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,911 The first ever! 59 00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:53,483 Give me a V! Give me an A! 60 00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:56,185 Give me an N! What does it spell? 61 00:04:56,294 --> 00:05:00,025 I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... 62 00:05:00,131 --> 00:05:01,621 on himself though. 63 00:05:03,535 --> 00:05:05,093 You'll become disciplined. 64 00:05:05,203 --> 00:05:07,034 Your mind will become a weapon. 65 00:05:19,384 --> 00:05:21,978 I'm sorry. You really just don't fit the profile. 66 00:05:25,023 --> 00:05:27,218 We're just gonna do a little bit of word association. 67 00:05:27,325 --> 00:05:28,792 Cookies! 68 00:05:32,397 --> 00:05:34,592 - My name is Van. - Hi, my name is Terry. 69 00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:41,337 Let's get it started then, shall we? 70 00:05:55,653 --> 00:05:57,052 Big finish. 71 00:06:00,391 --> 00:06:01,585 Medic. 72 00:06:01,693 --> 00:06:04,856 - Having us both at the same time... - Will definitely lighten your load. 73 00:06:04,963 --> 00:06:07,955 - We will bend over backwards for you. - There's nothing too big... 74 00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:10,261 - we can't handle. - And we mean nothing. 75 00:06:10,368 --> 00:06:13,633 - We'll stay on top of you... - And ride you all semester. 76 00:06:13,738 --> 00:06:15,399 Basically, we're saying we won't blow the job, Van. 77 00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:23,878 By the way, can you tell me if there'll be any international travel? 78 00:06:25,984 --> 00:06:28,919 Seriously, I swear to God, I'm really uncomfortable now. 79 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:30,078 It's time you should go. 80 00:06:37,128 --> 00:06:39,653 Not one acceptable candidate. 81 00:06:39,764 --> 00:06:41,891 What is wrong with the youth of today? 82 00:06:44,035 --> 00:06:45,696 The Internet, dude. 83 00:06:45,803 --> 00:06:48,397 Fries their brain cells, man. 84 00:06:49,507 --> 00:06:51,737 It's cool, Colossus. We'll find somebody. 85 00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:53,743 C-los, get your ass off my shirt. 86 00:07:00,051 --> 00:07:01,985 You really should have him neutered, man. 87 00:07:02,086 --> 00:07:03,519 That's up to him. 88 00:07:03,621 --> 00:07:06,181 They are getting bigger, aren't they? 89 00:07:08,359 --> 00:07:10,088 I'll get that. 90 00:07:14,032 --> 00:07:15,693 Looks like we got one more. 91 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,331 What's your name? 92 00:07:25,443 --> 00:07:29,038 I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad. 93 00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:30,944 Where are you from, Taj? 94 00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,610 I'm an exchange student from Banglapur, India. 95 00:07:34,719 --> 00:07:37,449 Welcome. What can we do for you? 96 00:07:38,656 --> 00:07:41,989 My exchange program culminates at the end of this school year... 97 00:07:42,093 --> 00:07:44,789 at which time I must return to my home country... 98 00:07:44,896 --> 00:07:47,626 where I do not have many friends. 99 00:07:47,732 --> 00:07:51,361 I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant. 100 00:07:51,469 --> 00:07:53,903 Okay. We're just gonna do a little word association. 101 00:07:54,005 --> 00:07:56,303 Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk. 102 00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:57,965 Tit! 103 00:07:58,076 --> 00:07:59,873 Oh, Mommy. 104 00:07:59,978 --> 00:08:02,139 Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred... 105 00:08:02,246 --> 00:08:05,147 but I hear ”milk," I think giant jugs. 106 00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:07,649 You see, I cannot go home a virgin. 107 00:08:07,752 --> 00:08:11,279 I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. 108 00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:14,920 To smack clam, munch rug... 109 00:08:15,026 --> 00:08:17,790 dine at just one American pink taco stand. 110 00:08:17,895 --> 00:08:21,262 You know, I wanted to-- how is it-- park the porpoise. 111 00:08:21,366 --> 00:08:24,597 I want to take it through the car wash, baby. 112 00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:27,796 And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! 113 00:08:27,905 --> 00:08:30,169 You know, and air dry. 114 00:08:30,274 --> 00:08:32,674 Air dry that shit, yeah. 115 00:08:32,777 --> 00:08:36,611 And I would like to be your assistant very much... 116 00:08:36,714 --> 00:08:38,682 Mr. Van Wilder. 117 00:08:38,783 --> 00:08:41,013 You'll need a copy of my class schedule so you can take notes. 118 00:08:41,119 --> 00:08:42,484 You'll also handle my finances. 119 00:08:42,587 --> 00:08:44,680 I lecture at the freshman crisis group every other Monday. 120 00:08:44,789 --> 00:08:46,757 I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular... 121 00:08:46,858 --> 00:08:49,019 and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash to Battle Bulimia this semester. 122 00:08:49,127 --> 00:08:51,687 This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's gone by he hasn't had an ailment. 123 00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:54,196 Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That was his fault. 124 00:08:54,298 --> 00:08:56,926 - Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin. - Thanks, Van. 125 00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:58,935 Don't pick at it. Moving on. 126 00:08:59,037 --> 00:09:02,165 I'm moving my 7:15 to 8:15, my 8:15 to 9:45... 127 00:09:02,273 --> 00:09:04,264 and my 9:45 till Wednesday. 128 00:09:04,375 --> 00:09:06,275 You owe $75,000 for the speed boat. 129 00:09:06,377 --> 00:09:08,277 Cancel my guest lecture at the Wharton School next week. 130 00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:11,041 I feel like going somewhere tropical. Tahiti. Are you writing this down? 131 00:09:11,149 --> 00:09:13,379 - Yes, sir. - You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred. 132 00:09:13,484 --> 00:09:16,453 Schedule a massage after my golf game tomorrow afternoon. 133 00:09:16,554 --> 00:09:18,715 - With a happy ending? - Ah, yes. 134 00:09:18,823 --> 00:09:22,782 And another $39,000 for your son's tuition and housing this semester. 135 00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:25,954 Tuition? Van is still in school? 136 00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:27,793 For the better part of a decade. 137 00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:35,264 "Depression: Is Prozac really the answer?" 138 00:09:35,373 --> 00:09:37,273 "Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda." 139 00:09:37,375 --> 00:09:39,275 "Tracking Tuition: Where does our money really go?" 140 00:09:39,377 --> 00:09:42,972 Each article well-written and researched by our own Gwen Pearson... 141 00:09:43,081 --> 00:09:47,347 and each article skipped over by the majority of the student body. 142 00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:49,943 I don't care. I won't pander to them. 143 00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:58,018 "Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown" by Darius Grayson. 144 00:09:58,129 --> 00:10:00,757 - Is that the same-- - Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson. 145 00:10:00,865 --> 00:10:02,765 He was an alumnus of our journalism staff. 146 00:10:02,867 --> 00:10:06,166 He wrote his best stuff in detox. Still does, I'm told. 147 00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:09,899 I have got a very challenging assignment for you. 148 00:10:10,007 --> 00:10:12,134 A story that nobody's been able to get. 149 00:10:12,243 --> 00:10:15,110 - About what? - No, no. It's about whom. 150 00:10:31,562 --> 00:10:33,860 It does not look good. 151 00:10:33,965 --> 00:10:36,092 That's the end of the first half... 152 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,192 and the Chickadees will need a miracle to come back and score. 153 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,571 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step away from Van's vehicle. 154 00:10:51,682 --> 00:10:52,842 Wilder! 155 00:10:52,950 --> 00:10:55,316 He's got no business parking there. That's my spot. 156 00:10:57,155 --> 00:10:59,055 They need me, Ted. 157 00:11:02,193 --> 00:11:05,651 This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf!. 158 00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:09,392 I can't hear the boos! Now, listen up. 159 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:12,094 I'm only gonna go over this one more time. 160 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,229 In the event they switch to a zone defense... 161 00:11:15,339 --> 00:11:18,172 we must swing the ball around the perimeter. 162 00:11:19,277 --> 00:11:22,246 This ball club is the heart of this institution. 163 00:11:22,346 --> 00:11:25,338 You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks. 164 00:11:25,449 --> 00:11:27,940 You're not boxing out, Big Papa. You're my Windex man. 165 00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:29,747 I want you shining glass. 166 00:11:29,854 --> 00:11:31,446 We gotta D up out there. Darius. 167 00:11:31,556 --> 00:11:34,457 I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake. 168 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:37,119 What are you looking at? Your mom said you left your legs at home. 169 00:11:37,228 --> 00:11:39,355 For God's sake! 170 00:11:39,463 --> 00:11:42,193 I'd do anything for you guys... 171 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,234 which is why I'm throwing you a little soiree tomorrow night... 172 00:11:44,335 --> 00:11:46,030 but not without a W tonight. 173 00:11:46,137 --> 00:11:49,538 You want to know why? Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys. 174 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,131 Hey, man, you gonna invite those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke? 175 00:11:52,243 --> 00:11:54,905 I already did. 176 00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:58,004 They said they'd try to make it if they weren't humping the Matadors. 177 00:11:58,115 --> 00:12:00,583 - The Matadors? - What? 178 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,652 Come on. We got a ball game to win. 179 00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:11,022 Let's go kick some Matador tail-- 180 00:12:33,584 --> 00:12:35,814 How bad do you wanna be... 181 00:12:37,021 --> 00:12:38,010 a Delta? 182 00:12:38,122 --> 00:12:40,590 Would you walk on broken glass? 183 00:12:40,691 --> 00:12:43,683 Let the shards tear into your Achilles tendon... 184 00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:45,819 causing acute achondroplasia... 185 00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:48,922 which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older? 186 00:12:50,034 --> 00:12:53,094 Ease up on the medical terms. Just keep it simple and terrifying. 187 00:12:53,204 --> 00:12:57,698 Gordon, there are very few things more terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism. 188 00:12:57,808 --> 00:13:01,175 Hey, Richard. Ready to study? 189 00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:04,373 Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20. 190 00:13:04,482 --> 00:13:06,916 I'm in the middle of an 80-year tradition here. 191 00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:12,620 I will be up when I'm done with my presidential responsibilities. 192 00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,691 Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs. 193 00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:18,727 Who's my alabaster princess? 194 00:13:19,664 --> 00:13:21,791 You are. You are. 195 00:13:25,136 --> 00:13:27,866 Relax, guys. They're just Doritos. 196 00:13:28,906 --> 00:13:30,874 Listen to me, you little fuck stains! 197 00:13:30,975 --> 00:13:34,843 When I count to three, you will jump or be banished from this house forever! 198 00:13:34,945 --> 00:13:37,413 One, two-- 199 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,578 Fuck! 200 00:14:05,609 --> 00:14:08,942 Excuse me. Where can I find Van Wilder? 201 00:14:09,046 --> 00:14:11,947 In the Guiness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... 202 00:14:12,049 --> 00:14:14,517 under "Raddest fucking dude alive"! 203 00:14:14,618 --> 00:14:16,609 Okay. Thanks. 204 00:14:16,721 --> 00:14:18,746 In any one of these three rooms, Gramps. 205 00:14:31,869 --> 00:14:34,702 Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy. 206 00:14:35,806 --> 00:14:38,536 Dad, what are you doing here? 207 00:14:39,377 --> 00:14:41,868 - Thank God. - No jammies. 208 00:14:41,979 --> 00:14:45,471 - Party foul. - No, don't-- Oh, dear God. 209 00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:47,813 Next time you'll know better. 210 00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:56,384 Seven years, and no degree. You should have graduated twice by now. 211 00:14:56,494 --> 00:14:58,223 I've done a lot in seven years. 212 00:14:58,329 --> 00:15:00,559 If you don't have your doctorate, you haven't done enough. 213 00:15:00,664 --> 00:15:03,224 But you have wasted enough of your time and my money. 214 00:15:03,334 --> 00:15:06,531 Pack up your panties, son, because we are headin' home. 215 00:15:11,242 --> 00:15:13,642 I'm staying here with my friends. 216 00:15:13,744 --> 00:15:17,202 Fine. Maybe your friends can pay your tuition. 217 00:15:17,314 --> 00:15:20,750 Because this morning I placed a stop payment on this semester's check. 218 00:15:20,851 --> 00:15:22,318 I'm sorry, son. 219 00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:25,912 Sometimes in life you have to realize a poor investment... 220 00:15:26,023 --> 00:15:27,513 and cut your losses. 221 00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:31,893 Write that down. 222 00:15:44,141 --> 00:15:46,041 I need more time. 223 00:15:46,143 --> 00:15:48,043 There's got to be something that we can work out. 224 00:15:49,447 --> 00:15:52,041 What is that intoxicating scent you're wearing, Doris? 225 00:15:52,149 --> 00:15:54,413 I have cats. 226 00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,418 Meow! 227 00:15:59,824 --> 00:16:03,123 Maybe you could put me on some sort of extension... 228 00:16:04,562 --> 00:16:06,120 program? 229 00:16:06,230 --> 00:16:09,791 - A little pay-as-you-go? - Are you trying to seduce me? 230 00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:13,233 Who, me? No! 231 00:16:20,744 --> 00:16:23,212 You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea. 232 00:16:23,314 --> 00:16:25,976 Being bad seldom is. 233 00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:37,853 Oh, yeah. 234 00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,260 That's the shit. 235 00:16:40,364 --> 00:16:43,162 Guess what. I'm feeling a little cold sore coming on. 236 00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:46,430 Maybe we shouldn't do this for three to six weeks. 237 00:16:46,537 --> 00:16:50,769 Shut up, bitch, and give me some sugar. 238 00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:05,252 Fill this out. It's a standard payment plan extension form. 239 00:17:06,557 --> 00:17:09,685 You mean, we didn't have to-- 240 00:17:09,793 --> 00:17:12,523 But aren't you glad we did? 241 00:17:26,243 --> 00:17:28,143 You can either mail this in or drop it off. 242 00:17:28,245 --> 00:17:29,473 Go, baby, go! 243 00:17:30,581 --> 00:17:32,310 Mail it in! 244 00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:36,210 Mail it in! Mail it in. 245 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,483 Van, you must make four monthly payments of $5,000 each. 246 00:17:39,590 --> 00:17:42,115 I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. 247 00:17:42,226 --> 00:17:45,627 I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore. 248 00:17:45,729 --> 00:17:47,720 A good soldier does not leave his commander... 249 00:17:47,831 --> 00:17:50,891 just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets... 250 00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:53,868 intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. 251 00:17:53,971 --> 00:17:55,962 I will stay on at no charge. 252 00:17:56,073 --> 00:17:57,802 Okay. 253 00:17:57,908 --> 00:17:59,967 Exactly how much money do you have? 254 00:18:00,077 --> 00:18:02,307 - He has only $34. - Damn, Van! 255 00:18:02,413 --> 00:18:05,405 What the hell you gonna do with $34, man? 256 00:18:37,314 --> 00:18:41,182 Congratulations, Taj! Your first blow job. 257 00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:44,448 In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases... 258 00:18:44,555 --> 00:18:46,182 is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 259 00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,453 Desiree is the foremost connoisseur of chili con carne... 260 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,754 and a TA at Coolidge. 261 00:18:50,861 --> 00:18:52,726 I wish I had teachers like that. 262 00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:56,357 And just like that, Topless Tutors was born. 263 00:18:57,468 --> 00:18:59,629 X... 264 00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:03,002 equals... six? 265 00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:04,039 Yeah! 266 00:19:05,609 --> 00:19:07,270 We knew you could do it. 267 00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:09,573 Desi told me how she and a few of her grad school pals... 268 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,739 could use some extra income. 269 00:19:11,849 --> 00:19:14,079 Taj proved to be an excellent company accountant... 270 00:19:14,184 --> 00:19:16,846 as well as our most valued client. 271 00:19:27,798 --> 00:19:29,459 Excuse me. 272 00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:33,932 I'm looking for information on a current student here, Van Wilder. 273 00:19:40,377 --> 00:19:42,504 Freshman year. I'll get the others. 274 00:19:42,613 --> 00:19:46,276 - Wait. There are more of these? - Actually, there are many more. 275 00:19:46,383 --> 00:19:49,181 It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite come out of his shell... 276 00:19:49,286 --> 00:19:51,516 until mid-sophomore year. 277 00:19:53,057 --> 00:19:54,456 Thanks. 278 00:19:57,761 --> 00:20:00,355 It's like this itchy, rashy burning sensation. 279 00:20:00,464 --> 00:20:02,557 And it hurts when I-- 280 00:20:04,368 --> 00:20:06,495 - Dance? - When I pee. 281 00:20:07,604 --> 00:20:09,469 - You hooked up with a burner. - Yeah. 282 00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:12,133 She seemed like a nice girl, said it was her first time? 283 00:20:12,242 --> 00:20:14,972 Always check the quality of the turf before you step onto the field. 284 00:20:15,079 --> 00:20:17,946 Listen, go to the campus hospital, see Stu. 285 00:20:18,048 --> 00:20:21,540 Tell him Van sent you, and remember-- Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool. 286 00:20:21,652 --> 00:20:23,142 Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot. 287 00:20:23,253 --> 00:20:25,221 Don't thank me. Thank penicillin. 288 00:20:27,091 --> 00:20:30,424 Crazy kids with their crazy VD. 289 00:20:32,262 --> 00:20:34,662 - You must be Van. - Hi. 290 00:20:35,466 --> 00:20:37,832 I'm Gwen Pearson, staff writer for The Liberator. 291 00:20:40,871 --> 00:20:44,398 Okay, look, that old bag is stronger than she looks. 292 00:20:44,508 --> 00:20:47,602 I'm doing a human interest piece on you. 293 00:20:47,711 --> 00:20:50,509 I'm flattered. I'd love for your piece to be on me. 294 00:20:52,549 --> 00:20:55,450 But sadly I don't do interviews. Never have, never will. I do lunch. 295 00:20:55,552 --> 00:20:57,782 My editor did say this would be a challenge. 296 00:20:57,888 --> 00:20:59,879 Van, second date with Emily. 297 00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:02,754 Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. 298 00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:05,124 - Has anyone told you that before? - Yes, my boyfriend. 299 00:21:05,963 --> 00:21:07,931 Is it true that this is your seventh year at Coolidge? 300 00:21:08,031 --> 00:21:10,431 Carry the two-- Yes, that's correct. 301 00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:12,593 So what's your boyfriend's name? Does he go to school here? 302 00:21:12,703 --> 00:21:14,762 - Does he appreciate you? - That's none of your business. 303 00:21:14,872 --> 00:21:17,102 You know what? You're right. 304 00:21:19,143 --> 00:21:22,544 His name's Richard. He's premed. 305 00:21:22,646 --> 00:21:24,546 Van, you have a 1:30 with the swim team. 306 00:21:24,648 --> 00:21:25,979 On it. 307 00:21:26,083 --> 00:21:28,210 - You have an assistant? - Yes, I do. 308 00:21:30,454 --> 00:21:32,718 Is there anything you can tell me about yourself... 309 00:21:32,823 --> 00:21:35,291 that I haven't already found out from your public records? 310 00:21:35,392 --> 00:21:37,553 I'll be at the quad tomorrow night at 10:00. Sound good? 311 00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:41,062 - It's a date. - It's an interview, not a date. 312 00:21:43,734 --> 00:21:46,396 Gwen, first dates are interviews. 313 00:21:48,172 --> 00:21:50,231 You going out tonight? 314 00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:53,969 Rob's coming over. I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen. 315 00:21:54,077 --> 00:21:56,409 The dynamic duo will seal the deal tonight. 316 00:21:56,513 --> 00:21:58,413 Good luck, ladies. 317 00:22:01,351 --> 00:22:04,843 Somebody got awfully dressed up to quiz me on my anatomy midterm. 318 00:22:04,955 --> 00:22:07,753 I'm so sorry, baby. I totally forgot. 319 00:22:07,858 --> 00:22:10,418 - I have an interview for the paper. - At 10:00 at night? 320 00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:13,758 Can't you postpone it? Gwen, first exam-- most crucial. 321 00:22:13,864 --> 00:22:17,265 It's not like you're on a deadline for the Boston Globe. 322 00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:20,336 It's the only time he had available. I'll call you as soon as I get back. 323 00:22:20,437 --> 00:22:21,927 Bye. 324 00:22:23,273 --> 00:22:24,763 He? 325 00:22:30,214 --> 00:22:33,115 All right. Gwen, all right! You're just in time. 326 00:22:33,217 --> 00:22:35,185 - Take your clothes off. - I'm not taking off my clothes. 327 00:22:35,285 --> 00:22:39,517 It is the Naked Mile Run. Everybody else is in their birthday suit. 328 00:22:40,991 --> 00:22:42,458 Except that guy. 329 00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:46,891 - I have a few questions for you. - In time. This is gonna be fun. 330 00:22:46,997 --> 00:22:49,124 You know that three-letter word that starts with F? 331 00:22:49,233 --> 00:22:52,202 So you're quite the campus man, heading events like the Jäger Olympics. 332 00:22:52,302 --> 00:22:55,533 Yes, well, you haven't lived... 333 00:22:55,639 --> 00:22:57,573 until you've shot putted blitzed on Jäger. 334 00:22:57,674 --> 00:23:00,472 - Heinie? - This was a really bad idea. 335 00:23:01,912 --> 00:23:04,312 Are we gonna reschedule or what? 336 00:23:14,524 --> 00:23:16,424 Who's a big boy? 337 00:23:17,928 --> 00:23:20,158 Oh, God! 338 00:23:20,264 --> 00:23:22,391 Those things could raise the Titanic. 339 00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:25,464 You Van Wilder? 340 00:23:25,569 --> 00:23:28,003 The strip club owner got tired of using his B squad... 341 00:23:28,105 --> 00:23:31,006 so he came back for the starting lineup. 342 00:23:31,108 --> 00:23:32,837 Topless Tutors was dead. 343 00:23:34,511 --> 00:23:37,173 We are truly up the Ganges River without a bamboo oar. 344 00:23:37,281 --> 00:23:40,011 We're still $1,200 short of your next tuition payment. 345 00:23:40,117 --> 00:23:43,678 Taj, I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. 346 00:23:43,787 --> 00:23:46,085 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 347 00:23:46,189 --> 00:23:47,747 Write that down. 348 00:23:47,858 --> 00:23:50,122 Don't even sweat it, Taj. I've got a plan. 349 00:23:51,561 --> 00:23:53,324 - Let's go get fucked up. - Sounds good. 350 00:23:53,430 --> 00:23:54,897 Is that all you think about? 351 00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:56,761 I admit I applied for this job... 352 00:23:56,867 --> 00:23:59,597 because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump... 353 00:23:59,703 --> 00:24:02,228 but I do not believe that this dilemma will be solved by partying. 354 00:24:06,209 --> 00:24:08,040 Can I help you, son? 355 00:24:08,845 --> 00:24:10,745 I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder. 356 00:24:10,847 --> 00:24:12,781 I come to you in desperation. 357 00:24:12,883 --> 00:24:17,217 I'm Panos Patakos, president of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity. 358 00:24:17,321 --> 00:24:20,381 I'm sure you're aware of our... stigma. 359 00:24:20,490 --> 00:24:23,653 Yeah, you guys have had the best GPA the last 50 years. 360 00:24:24,661 --> 00:24:26,652 Indeed, but believe it or not... 361 00:24:26,763 --> 00:24:28,993 the best GPA doesn't get you laid. 362 00:24:29,099 --> 00:24:31,533 - Damn well should. - Amen. 363 00:24:31,635 --> 00:24:35,071 This month marks our 75th anniversary. 364 00:24:35,172 --> 00:24:38,733 I am here to ask you to aid us in throwing a party... 365 00:24:38,842 --> 00:24:40,742 a party we can be proud of... 366 00:24:40,844 --> 00:24:43,745 a party people will actually show up to. 367 00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:47,647 Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I have a bamboo oar stuck up my Gangees. 368 00:24:47,751 --> 00:24:49,343 It's very scary stuff. 369 00:24:49,453 --> 00:24:51,353 I just don't have the time. 370 00:24:52,689 --> 00:24:54,884 How much is your time worth? 371 00:24:56,593 --> 00:24:58,652 Panos reminded me that I had one... 372 00:24:58,762 --> 00:25:00,889 very valuable skill I'd yet to tap-- 373 00:25:00,998 --> 00:25:04,832 my undeniable ability to throw one hell of a party. 374 00:25:09,539 --> 00:25:12,440 I was hanging on by a thread, but I was still making tuition. 375 00:25:16,113 --> 00:25:18,581 The strawberry! Eat the strawberry! It's worth 250! 376 00:25:18,682 --> 00:25:21,947 - Don't you think I know that? - You treat me like a child. 377 00:25:22,052 --> 00:25:23,952 I don't like the way you condescend me. 378 00:25:24,054 --> 00:25:25,954 - Don't do that! - Frankly, you're juvenile. 379 00:25:26,056 --> 00:25:27,614 Guys. 380 00:25:27,724 --> 00:25:29,624 I know Ms. Pac Man's special. 381 00:25:29,726 --> 00:25:32,854 She's fun. She's cute. She swallows. 382 00:25:32,963 --> 00:25:35,056 But we gotta talk, guys. 383 00:25:35,165 --> 00:25:38,134 Huddle up. Come on. Team meeting here. 384 00:25:38,235 --> 00:25:40,931 Cowboy. All right. 385 00:25:41,038 --> 00:25:42,938 I look at you guys, and you know what I see? 386 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,634 A collective GPA of 52,000? 387 00:25:45,742 --> 00:25:47,039 Yeah! No! 388 00:25:47,144 --> 00:25:49,408 I see a bunch of party animals... 389 00:25:49,513 --> 00:25:51,743 crouched in attack position, ready to strike. 390 00:25:51,848 --> 00:25:53,213 Am I right? 391 00:25:54,384 --> 00:25:55,817 No one even knows we're here. 392 00:25:55,919 --> 00:25:59,252 Au contraire, mon frères. Girls! 393 00:26:00,924 --> 00:26:03,586 I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. 394 00:26:03,693 --> 00:26:06,253 Two girls utterly infatuated... 395 00:26:06,363 --> 00:26:08,923 with men who have larger than normal... 396 00:26:09,032 --> 00:26:11,262 medulla oblongatas. 397 00:26:17,441 --> 00:26:20,933 Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you. It's Friday night. Get out of here. 398 00:26:21,044 --> 00:26:24,343 I know. I'm just doing some final revisions to this piece on euthanasia. 399 00:26:24,448 --> 00:26:26,848 Oh, I read that. Made me want to kill myself. 400 00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:28,178 I'm kidding. 401 00:26:28,285 --> 00:26:30,446 - Where's my Wilder story? - There is no story, Elliot. 402 00:26:30,554 --> 00:26:33,785 The guy's a joke. He tries to turn every interview into a date. 403 00:26:33,890 --> 00:26:36,188 A good writer gets her story no matter what. 404 00:26:36,293 --> 00:26:41,128 Please get me the Wilder piece. He's throwing a big party tonight. 405 00:26:41,231 --> 00:26:43,529 You should be there. 406 00:26:50,974 --> 00:26:53,772 - This is really a pimpin' good time. - Yes, it is. 407 00:26:56,246 --> 00:26:59,977 Look who's checking out the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi. 408 00:27:00,083 --> 00:27:02,483 That's "I moan" backwards. 409 00:27:04,221 --> 00:27:07,384 I put in a good word for you. 410 00:27:07,491 --> 00:27:10,221 Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie. 411 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,612 These are the most pathetic bunch of pledges. 412 00:27:32,716 --> 00:27:34,308 You picked 'em. 413 00:27:36,186 --> 00:27:38,086 Hey, babe. 414 00:27:38,188 --> 00:27:40,816 - Why aren't you in costume? - I can't stay. I have to work tonight. 415 00:27:40,924 --> 00:27:42,824 You're gonna miss the biggest party of the year. 416 00:27:44,628 --> 00:27:46,562 Well, I gotta go. 417 00:27:46,663 --> 00:27:49,154 - I'll call you tomorrow. - What? 418 00:27:49,266 --> 00:27:51,166 This party so rocks, Richard. 419 00:27:51,268 --> 00:27:54,499 - This party sucks rectum, Jeannie. - Okay. 420 00:27:56,773 --> 00:27:58,673 Where the hell is everyone? 421 00:27:58,775 --> 00:28:01,073 Mad props for this pimpin' good time... 422 00:28:01,178 --> 00:28:03,271 go out to those hung and handsome bad boys... 423 00:28:03,380 --> 00:28:05,280 of Lambda Omega Omega. 424 00:28:06,616 --> 00:28:09,176 Thanks for the good time, fellas. 425 00:28:19,996 --> 00:28:22,760 - Let's get you some skates. - I'm not here to skate. 426 00:28:22,866 --> 00:28:25,027 For some reason, my editor thinks you're a story. 427 00:28:25,135 --> 00:28:26,659 What do you think? 428 00:28:26,770 --> 00:28:29,637 As a story, I think... 429 00:28:29,739 --> 00:28:31,036 you're a little soft. 430 00:28:31,141 --> 00:28:35,009 Wow, all this time I thought I was more to you than just some flaccid story. 431 00:28:35,912 --> 00:28:37,812 A dilemma has arose up front. 432 00:28:37,914 --> 00:28:40,815 - Don't know if we got our point across. - Crystal clear, guys. 433 00:28:40,917 --> 00:28:43,385 - This is incredible. - 100 percent. Don't go anywhere. 434 00:28:43,486 --> 00:28:45,977 Seriously. Van is a godsend. 435 00:28:46,089 --> 00:28:48,819 I would have paid him way more than a grand for this party. 436 00:28:48,925 --> 00:28:51,086 I would have cashed in my Israel bonds. 437 00:28:51,194 --> 00:28:54,129 - How do you put a price on dignity? - How do you put a price on poonani? 438 00:28:54,231 --> 00:28:56,665 - Yes! - Oh, God! 439 00:28:57,901 --> 00:28:59,801 Oh, my God. Feel it! 440 00:29:04,641 --> 00:29:07,235 Whoa. Trick or treat. What's going on? 441 00:29:07,344 --> 00:29:10,507 This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party. 442 00:29:10,614 --> 00:29:12,013 Graphic. 443 00:29:12,115 --> 00:29:14,413 I'm sure we can accommodate a few more, yeah? 444 00:29:14,517 --> 00:29:17,281 No can do. We're at maximum capacity. 445 00:29:21,291 --> 00:29:23,259 - What are you doing here? - You two know each other? 446 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:24,987 That's my girlfriend, gluteous erecti. 447 00:29:25,095 --> 00:29:27,825 - You must be premed Dick. - Yeah, that's right. 448 00:29:27,931 --> 00:29:31,128 - What's it to you? - Thanks for the story. 449 00:29:31,234 --> 00:29:32,292 What story? 450 00:29:32,502 --> 00:29:34,299 Brilliant, Pearson. 451 00:29:34,404 --> 00:29:36,634 I have been inundated with people telling me... 452 00:29:36,740 --> 00:29:38,867 how much they enjoy reading about this guy. 453 00:29:38,975 --> 00:29:41,773 They want more, and so do I. I want you to do a follow-up. 454 00:29:41,878 --> 00:29:44,108 I did your story, Elliot. I'm not doing another one. 455 00:29:44,214 --> 00:29:46,580 Even if I tell you it's gonna be on the front page of the graduation issue... 456 00:29:46,683 --> 00:29:47,945 in two months? 457 00:29:50,086 --> 00:29:52,987 And I quote, "Van Wilder is a party pimp." 458 00:29:53,089 --> 00:29:55,990 Sick Boy. Can you believe she wrote that? 459 00:29:56,092 --> 00:29:59,118 Van Wilder's phone. I do not foresee that to be a problem. 460 00:29:59,229 --> 00:30:01,857 And that guy she's with-- all kinds of wrong for her. 461 00:30:01,965 --> 00:30:05,731 - Sick Boy, how are you doing? - Van, the shingles are all gone. 462 00:30:06,770 --> 00:30:08,169 That ointment really worked. 463 00:30:08,271 --> 00:30:09,636 Thanks. 464 00:30:09,739 --> 00:30:11,639 Lookin' good there, buddy. 465 00:30:17,447 --> 00:30:19,711 - He'll call you back. - Unbelievable. 466 00:30:19,816 --> 00:30:22,250 Van Wilder's phone. 467 00:30:22,352 --> 00:30:25,412 - Terrible. - I think so. Yeah. 468 00:30:25,522 --> 00:30:27,547 - Hang on. - Unbelievable. 469 00:30:27,657 --> 00:30:30,023 Van's room. Saturday night, yeah. 470 00:30:30,126 --> 00:30:32,822 That's-- How did you-- From the paper? 471 00:30:32,929 --> 00:30:35,591 Yeah, that's fine! Okay, thanks. 472 00:30:35,699 --> 00:30:37,929 - No problem confirming. Bye. - This writing, it's just-- 473 00:30:39,302 --> 00:30:42,294 I was just wondering if you could... slam the door in my face. 474 00:30:42,405 --> 00:30:44,168 Van, you must listen to me. 475 00:30:44,274 --> 00:30:47,903 Because of her article, everybody wants to have a party thrown by Van Wilder... 476 00:30:48,011 --> 00:30:49,706 the party liaison. 477 00:30:49,813 --> 00:30:52,179 Your cash camel has arrived! 478 00:30:56,319 --> 00:30:58,219 We need to talk. 479 00:31:00,724 --> 00:31:03,124 This is why I don't do interviews. You totally slammed me. 480 00:31:03,226 --> 00:31:05,626 You journalists and your irresponsible reporting. 481 00:31:05,729 --> 00:31:08,698 I recorded quotes that you got money from the Lambdas to throw them a party. 482 00:31:08,798 --> 00:31:11,596 Recorded? What are you, bugged? Do I need to frisk you? 483 00:31:11,701 --> 00:31:13,692 Why is my story such a big deal to you? 484 00:31:13,803 --> 00:31:16,670 Because I didn't want the students to know I threw the party. 485 00:31:16,773 --> 00:31:19,970 They paid me, but that's not the only reason I did it. 486 00:31:20,076 --> 00:31:23,307 Lambdas are cool in their own right. People just needed to realize it. 487 00:31:23,413 --> 00:31:26,871 I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a benevolent agenda. 488 00:31:26,983 --> 00:31:29,315 There's two sides to every story, Gwen. 489 00:31:29,419 --> 00:31:31,819 I have a chance to make front page of the graduation issue... 490 00:31:31,921 --> 00:31:34,185 which is a huge deal to me. 491 00:31:34,290 --> 00:31:36,656 Let me get the other side. 492 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,024 There's this function I'm hosting tomorrow night. 493 00:31:39,129 --> 00:31:42,189 If you want... you could tag along. 494 00:31:42,298 --> 00:31:44,528 - I'll be there. - It's a date. 495 00:31:44,634 --> 00:31:47,194 It's an interview. 496 00:31:47,303 --> 00:31:49,328 Remember, today's assignment is about shadow. 497 00:31:49,439 --> 00:31:51,566 So don't get too hung up on detail. 498 00:31:51,674 --> 00:31:53,574 All right, everybody? 499 00:31:53,676 --> 00:31:55,507 Oh, Lord! 500 00:31:57,714 --> 00:32:00,808 So much sinew, I need a bigger pencil. 501 00:32:00,917 --> 00:32:02,851 8:30 p.m. Yeah, that's fine. 502 00:32:04,287 --> 00:32:08,348 Word spread around campus. My calendar was filled with parties to plan. 503 00:32:08,458 --> 00:32:12,019 Van Wilder, party liaison, was born. 504 00:32:13,363 --> 00:32:16,264 At the Hillel House, I broke bread. 505 00:32:16,366 --> 00:32:18,266 And then I broke the boredom. 506 00:32:22,272 --> 00:32:25,708 They said I did them a mitzvah. That's Yiddish for "good deed." 507 00:32:25,809 --> 00:32:28,277 Write that down. 508 00:32:28,378 --> 00:32:30,869 Oh, yeah, she came too. 509 00:32:35,452 --> 00:32:37,477 This is the second party of his she's gone to. 510 00:32:37,587 --> 00:32:38,952 Sounds serious. Threatened? 511 00:32:41,057 --> 00:32:43,287 Threatened? Please. 512 00:32:44,928 --> 00:32:48,261 I'm president of both my fraternity and the student government. 513 00:32:49,265 --> 00:32:51,699 He's nothing more than a mild rectal itch. 514 00:32:53,169 --> 00:32:55,160 You know what you do about a mild rectal itch, Gordo? 515 00:32:55,271 --> 00:32:57,364 - What's that, Richard? - You scratch it. 516 00:32:57,474 --> 00:32:59,408 Then you scratch it some more. 517 00:32:59,509 --> 00:33:01,409 The more you scratch at it, the worse it gets... 518 00:33:01,511 --> 00:33:05,072 until finally you have nothing left but a raw, chafed... 519 00:33:05,181 --> 00:33:08,082 possibly infected anal cavity. 520 00:33:09,185 --> 00:33:10,550 Then it's won. 521 00:33:10,653 --> 00:33:14,419 When all you had to do from the start was take a medicated pad... 522 00:33:16,192 --> 00:33:17,352 and smother it. 523 00:33:22,499 --> 00:33:24,990 All right, people, midterm is next week. 524 00:33:26,703 --> 00:33:28,603 Here you have your five categories-- 525 00:33:28,705 --> 00:33:31,606 commerce and trade, so forth and so on. 526 00:33:31,708 --> 00:33:33,471 What you doing? 527 00:33:34,577 --> 00:33:37,307 I'm in the middle of class. You know, that five-letter word. 528 00:33:37,413 --> 00:33:40,382 I thought we could spend some time together... 529 00:33:40,483 --> 00:33:42,781 for the story. 530 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:46,220 I want you to have this. 531 00:33:47,957 --> 00:33:50,551 - Yeah. - And thank you. 532 00:33:50,660 --> 00:33:53,891 All right, things to remember-- commerce and trade-- 533 00:33:53,997 --> 00:33:56,830 Everybody just file out in an orderly fashion. 534 00:34:05,808 --> 00:34:08,242 What? Come on. Hop in. 535 00:34:08,344 --> 00:34:10,244 I am not getting in that thing with you. 536 00:34:10,346 --> 00:34:12,712 If you want the story, you'll get in this thing with me. 537 00:34:15,184 --> 00:34:17,084 What happened? Is everyone okay? 538 00:34:22,258 --> 00:34:23,316 Wilder. 539 00:34:25,828 --> 00:34:27,955 Are we gonna get in trouble for being in here? 540 00:34:28,064 --> 00:34:30,999 It's cool. Equipment manager owes me a favor. I introduced him to his wife. 541 00:34:31,100 --> 00:34:33,466 Life is all about developing relationships, Gwen. 542 00:34:33,570 --> 00:34:36,164 I hope you can skate. 543 00:34:37,340 --> 00:34:40,002 So the deal is, I score... 544 00:34:40,109 --> 00:34:42,669 you cooperate and answer all my questions? 545 00:34:42,779 --> 00:34:45,247 - I miss-- - Dinner for two, me and you. 546 00:34:46,115 --> 00:34:47,514 Clothing optional. 547 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:12,098 Come on! 548 00:35:19,415 --> 00:35:20,473 Holy crap. 549 00:35:40,169 --> 00:35:43,138 My brothers play hockey... 550 00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:45,139 for the Rangers. 551 00:35:46,309 --> 00:35:48,777 My dad just didn't see me as a sound investment anymore. 552 00:35:48,878 --> 00:35:52,814 But he gave up on me and my mom long before I ever came here. 553 00:35:55,018 --> 00:35:57,145 Maybe seven years of tuition... 554 00:35:57,253 --> 00:35:59,687 is a good way to remind him that you're still angry. 555 00:36:01,424 --> 00:36:05,155 So how long have you and premed Richard been together? 556 00:36:05,261 --> 00:36:08,492 - Since my freshman year. - I bet he's a tighty whitey guy. 557 00:36:08,598 --> 00:36:11,590 - Excuse me? - White, elastic band, constrictive. 558 00:36:11,701 --> 00:36:13,965 You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. 559 00:36:14,070 --> 00:36:15,560 Like you. Granny panties, I bet. 560 00:36:15,672 --> 00:36:18,163 Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type? 561 00:36:19,375 --> 00:36:21,605 I just wanted a visual. 562 00:36:21,711 --> 00:36:24,612 I think it takes a lot more than the kind of underwear one wears... 563 00:36:24,714 --> 00:36:26,375 to define them as a person. 564 00:36:27,483 --> 00:36:28,916 Like what? 565 00:36:29,018 --> 00:36:30,918 Like their actions. 566 00:36:31,020 --> 00:36:32,920 For instance, most people... 567 00:36:33,022 --> 00:36:35,718 want to get out of school so they can make money. 568 00:36:35,825 --> 00:36:38,794 You're trying to make money to stay in school. 569 00:36:39,896 --> 00:36:42,296 - Why? - I like it here. 570 00:36:44,300 --> 00:36:46,598 What about your future? 571 00:36:46,703 --> 00:36:51,072 - You take life way too seriously. - Life is serious. 572 00:36:51,174 --> 00:36:53,904 I used to party with this guy who once told me... 573 00:36:54,010 --> 00:36:57,138 "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." 574 00:36:59,916 --> 00:37:02,146 He used to write for the school paper. 575 00:37:02,251 --> 00:37:05,414 He kept babbling about the differences between light and dark beer. 576 00:37:07,924 --> 00:37:10,256 Very strange, but good advice. 577 00:37:10,359 --> 00:37:14,420 You think about the future too much, you kinda forget about the present... 578 00:37:14,530 --> 00:37:16,498 obviously. 579 00:37:16,599 --> 00:37:19,830 And I am really enjoying the present right now... 580 00:37:19,936 --> 00:37:23,064 sharing a penalty box and a tri-latte with Gwen Pearson... 581 00:37:23,172 --> 00:37:26,835 who believes censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. 582 00:37:26,943 --> 00:37:29,070 You actually read that article? 583 00:37:29,178 --> 00:37:32,875 Okay, look, I read the damn article, but don't tell anyone... 584 00:37:32,982 --> 00:37:35,416 because if word gets out that I read, my reputation-- 585 00:37:35,518 --> 00:37:38,351 shot to hell. 586 00:37:42,692 --> 00:37:45,320 She's smart, she's beautiful... 587 00:37:45,428 --> 00:37:47,328 she can skate. 588 00:37:47,430 --> 00:37:51,127 She's not for you, dude. She's too high-strung. 589 00:37:51,234 --> 00:37:53,361 Besides, babes that fine-- 590 00:37:53,469 --> 00:37:56,404 they're way into themselves and shit. 591 00:37:58,541 --> 00:38:00,702 After this weekend, we should have sufficient funds... 592 00:38:00,810 --> 00:38:02,710 to cover your next two payments. 593 00:38:02,812 --> 00:38:04,973 I mean, this girl is dynamite. 594 00:38:06,883 --> 00:38:08,942 Too bad she's dating Strapper John, MD. 595 00:38:13,122 --> 00:38:17,024 - Where did you find that? - In your room a few days ago. 596 00:38:17,126 --> 00:38:20,357 I'm trying to spark this bong, but this damn thing won't light. 597 00:38:20,463 --> 00:38:23,261 That's no bong! It's for my schlong! 598 00:38:28,738 --> 00:38:30,399 Hold on. 599 00:38:30,506 --> 00:38:32,667 You mean I put my mouth on your cock pump? 600 00:38:34,110 --> 00:38:35,168 Oh, damn! 601 00:38:40,249 --> 00:38:42,581 I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night... 602 00:38:42,685 --> 00:38:45,620 and I just wanted to bring my A game. 603 00:38:45,721 --> 00:38:50,158 Taj, come on! That's what I'm here for, right? 604 00:38:50,259 --> 00:38:52,318 Now, follow my foolproof plan... 605 00:38:52,428 --> 00:38:55,488 and I'm gonna help you put the bang in Banglapur. 606 00:38:56,265 --> 00:38:58,460 All you need are the three fundamentals-- scented candles... 607 00:38:59,869 --> 00:39:01,894 massage oil... 608 00:39:02,004 --> 00:39:03,631 and Barry White. 609 00:39:03,739 --> 00:39:05,969 Write that down. 610 00:39:06,075 --> 00:39:09,306 - Hey, no cock pump. - No cock pump. 611 00:39:09,412 --> 00:39:10,811 Barry White. 612 00:39:11,914 --> 00:39:14,712 - I'm gonna go wash my hands now. - Oh, Gwen! 613 00:39:14,817 --> 00:39:18,651 Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus. 614 00:39:20,957 --> 00:39:22,857 I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. 615 00:39:22,959 --> 00:39:25,621 I'm releasing my seminal fluids inside of you now! 616 00:39:39,475 --> 00:39:41,375 Are you okay? 617 00:39:43,246 --> 00:39:44,679 Yeah. Why? 618 00:39:47,083 --> 00:39:48,846 Didn't you-- 619 00:39:48,951 --> 00:39:50,851 It's kinda hard in 15 seconds. 620 00:39:51,821 --> 00:39:53,118 Damn it! 621 00:39:55,591 --> 00:39:58,321 You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams. 622 00:40:00,162 --> 00:40:02,255 - I'm sorry. - Look, I'm sorry. 623 00:40:02,365 --> 00:40:05,163 This semester's marks could determine the next ten years of our lives. 624 00:40:05,268 --> 00:40:07,168 Do you realize that? 625 00:40:09,038 --> 00:40:10,596 You know... 626 00:40:10,706 --> 00:40:13,800 you shouldn't take life too seriously. 627 00:40:13,910 --> 00:40:15,810 You'll never get out alive. 628 00:40:20,182 --> 00:40:22,844 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 629 00:40:26,222 --> 00:40:28,816 I'm late for my study group. 630 00:40:37,466 --> 00:40:40,196 She was getting awfully chummy with the rectal itch. 631 00:40:40,303 --> 00:40:42,863 Son of a bitch. Disappear! 632 00:40:42,972 --> 00:40:44,872 Yes, superior leader, sir. 633 00:40:48,477 --> 00:40:50,775 It's time to excise that cancerous lump. 634 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:54,043 Forget him. Let's crap in the chapter room and make the pledges clean it up. 635 00:40:54,150 --> 00:40:56,710 - It'll be fun. - I wish I could, Gordo. 636 00:40:56,819 --> 00:40:59,219 I got dinner at Gwen's parents' house. 637 00:40:59,322 --> 00:41:01,483 Sounds special. Is Wilder gonna be there? 638 00:41:02,792 --> 00:41:05,056 Hey, guys. Hey, Richard. 639 00:41:05,161 --> 00:41:07,061 Is there anything I can do for you today? 640 00:41:12,735 --> 00:41:14,464 Dear Van-- 641 00:41:19,775 --> 00:41:21,902 Here you go, Taj. Get your rave on, man. 642 00:41:22,011 --> 00:41:23,308 - Thanks. - You got it. 643 00:41:23,412 --> 00:41:27,473 "See you tonight. Gwen." The invite to the parents' house. 644 00:41:27,583 --> 00:41:30,484 This is big. This is very, very big. 645 00:41:30,586 --> 00:41:32,577 - Doesn't she have a boyfriend? - Details. 646 00:41:32,688 --> 00:41:34,883 I'm off. Taj, you're in charge. 647 00:41:34,991 --> 00:41:37,755 I do not think I'm capable of handling such a responsibility. 648 00:41:37,860 --> 00:41:41,091 Listen to me. Do you know why I chose you as my assistant? 649 00:41:41,197 --> 00:41:43,631 So you could teach me how to muff dive? 650 00:41:44,467 --> 00:41:46,935 Well, yeah, but also... 651 00:41:47,036 --> 00:41:49,163 because you have the potential to be great. 652 00:42:07,723 --> 00:42:09,782 - May I help you? - Yeah, I'm Van-- 653 00:42:10,893 --> 00:42:12,793 You made it. 654 00:42:12,895 --> 00:42:15,523 Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's acquaintances from school. 655 00:42:15,631 --> 00:42:17,326 There's room for one more? 656 00:42:17,433 --> 00:42:20,129 By all means. Come in, please. 657 00:42:23,272 --> 00:42:26,901 Definitely be out of the question unless they all agreed with us... 658 00:42:27,009 --> 00:42:29,603 and we talked it over. 659 00:42:31,514 --> 00:42:32,674 Excuse me, gentlemen. 660 00:42:33,783 --> 00:42:36,377 Excuse me, gentlemen. 661 00:42:36,485 --> 00:42:39,215 Van, this is Dr. Henke, proctologist. 662 00:42:39,321 --> 00:42:43,155 Oh, well, holy crap. I hope you're not on call tonight. 663 00:42:44,427 --> 00:42:46,486 Dr. Beaverman, OB-GYN. 664 00:42:46,595 --> 00:42:48,927 Van Wilder, G-L-A-D to meet you. 665 00:42:50,566 --> 00:42:52,056 And of course, Gwen's father. 666 00:42:52,168 --> 00:42:54,159 I'm gonna go out on a limb here. 667 00:42:54,270 --> 00:42:55,999 Dr. Pearson? 668 00:42:56,105 --> 00:42:58,539 - Indeed. - Indeed. Super. 669 00:42:58,641 --> 00:43:02,236 All right. So... am I here for a physical? 670 00:43:02,344 --> 00:43:05,871 'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails before I start coughing for you fellas. 671 00:43:13,355 --> 00:43:16,791 - What are you doing here? - I don't know. 672 00:43:16,892 --> 00:43:18,655 No, thank you. 673 00:43:18,761 --> 00:43:21,457 Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. 674 00:43:21,564 --> 00:43:23,794 He's in his, what, sixth year? 675 00:43:23,899 --> 00:43:25,799 Lucky number seven, actually. 676 00:43:27,269 --> 00:43:29,703 - What are you studying, son? - I dabble in a bit of everything. 677 00:43:29,805 --> 00:43:32,899 I've tried to experience all that Coolidge has to offer. 678 00:43:33,008 --> 00:43:34,908 Surely you have a career in mind. 679 00:43:35,911 --> 00:43:37,538 Not really. 680 00:43:37,646 --> 00:43:39,773 I'm still looking for that dare-to-be-great situation. 681 00:43:39,882 --> 00:43:43,147 Maybe you should start looking for that dare-to-be-employed situation. 682 00:43:43,252 --> 00:43:45,345 The student body finds Van so intriguing... 683 00:43:45,454 --> 00:43:47,820 that my editor has asked me to do an exposé on him... 684 00:43:47,923 --> 00:43:49,390 for the school newspaper. 685 00:43:49,492 --> 00:43:51,619 Isn't that wonderful? 686 00:43:51,727 --> 00:43:54,195 - That will be quite the page-turner. - It'll be a very well-written article. 687 00:43:54,296 --> 00:43:56,628 Gwen is an extremely gifted journalist. 688 00:43:56,732 --> 00:43:59,223 Are you and Richard in the same fraternity? 689 00:43:59,335 --> 00:44:00,825 Oh, no. 690 00:44:00,936 --> 00:44:04,565 Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa material. 691 00:44:04,673 --> 00:44:08,006 Richard, you rascal, you never told me that you were a DIK. 692 00:44:09,345 --> 00:44:11,313 Not that you had to. 693 00:44:12,148 --> 00:44:14,241 I'm gonna go get another bottle of champagne. 694 00:44:14,350 --> 00:44:16,580 - Richard, will you help me open it? - Sure. 695 00:44:22,858 --> 00:44:24,257 Wow. 696 00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:26,851 If he's here, who's running Hell? 697 00:44:28,864 --> 00:44:31,492 - What are you doing out there? - Proving a point. 698 00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:35,001 Your friend doesn't fit in. He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine. 699 00:44:35,104 --> 00:44:37,902 - I can't believe you're doing this. - Pop quiz. True or false. 700 00:44:38,007 --> 00:44:41,704 You and that GDI have been spending an inordinate amount of time together. 701 00:44:41,810 --> 00:44:44,005 True. Now here's a multiple choice question for you. 702 00:44:44,113 --> 00:44:47,139 You're A, an asshole; B, an asshole who isn't staying at my place tonight... 703 00:44:47,249 --> 00:44:49,945 - or C, all the above? - What's B again? 704 00:44:50,052 --> 00:44:53,510 Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize. 705 00:44:53,622 --> 00:44:56,284 - Gwenny, where are you going? - To go save Van. 706 00:44:56,392 --> 00:44:59,520 God only knows what my parents and their stuck-up friends are doing to him. 707 00:45:07,403 --> 00:45:09,530 Okay! All right! 708 00:45:09,638 --> 00:45:12,630 You're a natural, Dr. P. Hey, what are you looking at? 709 00:45:12,741 --> 00:45:15,710 - Henke, you're up. Come on. - All right. 710 00:45:17,246 --> 00:45:19,544 Easy, sailor. 711 00:45:42,871 --> 00:45:46,102 All right, Wilder, let's dance. 712 00:45:46,208 --> 00:45:48,039 It's a good day to die, McDoogle. 713 00:45:49,945 --> 00:45:51,970 Oh, yes. 714 00:46:15,804 --> 00:46:17,772 Jesus! Criminy! 715 00:46:17,873 --> 00:46:20,706 What happened to you, Wilder? Don't think I don't remember. 716 00:46:20,809 --> 00:46:22,970 You got an A in my freshman economics class. 717 00:46:23,078 --> 00:46:24,978 You remember one thing-- 718 00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,140 Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand. 719 00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:30,150 I'll write that down. 720 00:46:30,252 --> 00:46:32,812 You do that. You're not fooling anybody! 721 00:46:32,921 --> 00:46:34,946 You're only fooling yourself!. 722 00:46:43,866 --> 00:46:47,233 - Why don't you walk? - I think I'll walk from here. 723 00:46:50,105 --> 00:46:53,165 Are you stalking me? Because that would be super. 724 00:46:53,275 --> 00:46:56,176 My mom did want me to invite you to her Tupperware party next week. 725 00:46:57,279 --> 00:46:59,076 Was that a-- 726 00:46:59,181 --> 00:47:00,808 Judges' ruling. 727 00:47:00,916 --> 00:47:04,079 Uh-huh. Yeah. I do believe that was a joke. 728 00:47:09,525 --> 00:47:12,551 I want to apologize for what Richard did the other night. 729 00:47:12,661 --> 00:47:15,425 It was a really immature stunt. 730 00:47:15,531 --> 00:47:17,829 Yeah, I know... 731 00:47:17,933 --> 00:47:20,925 but sometimes guys can do some pretty childish things. 732 00:47:25,007 --> 00:47:26,634 Let us proceed. 733 00:48:02,144 --> 00:48:05,079 - Is he ready? - Ah, yeah, he's ready. 734 00:48:05,180 --> 00:48:06,579 It's go time. 735 00:48:17,559 --> 00:48:19,254 Such a good boy. 736 00:48:19,361 --> 00:48:22,660 Oh, stop for a second. Stop. 737 00:48:23,932 --> 00:48:25,422 Okay. Keep going. 738 00:48:36,011 --> 00:48:38,002 For the love of God. 739 00:48:38,113 --> 00:48:39,512 Smile, buddy. 740 00:48:46,221 --> 00:48:47,688 Lovely. 741 00:48:47,790 --> 00:48:50,054 It's all about presentation, gentlemen. 742 00:48:58,033 --> 00:49:00,934 Well, I'll be damned! 743 00:49:01,036 --> 00:49:03,231 Poor guy just needed a little TLC. 744 00:49:09,511 --> 00:49:12,344 I got it, guys. No problem whatsoever. 745 00:49:15,117 --> 00:49:17,517 Let the damn baby have his ball back. 746 00:49:20,456 --> 00:49:22,356 Thank you, brothers. 747 00:49:24,226 --> 00:49:27,024 It's not like he can see out of it anyway. 748 00:49:27,129 --> 00:49:28,494 Loser. 749 00:49:34,369 --> 00:49:36,269 Awesome work, sisters. 750 00:49:40,576 --> 00:49:41,941 Special delivery! 751 00:49:43,445 --> 00:49:46,471 - Time out. - What the fuck, Jeannie? 752 00:49:46,582 --> 00:49:49,949 "From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau." Dig in, guys. 753 00:49:56,325 --> 00:49:58,555 Oh, they're still warm. 754 00:50:02,164 --> 00:50:04,428 - So creamy. - They're awesome. 755 00:50:10,405 --> 00:50:12,805 Oh, they're so creamy. 756 00:50:14,409 --> 00:50:16,468 God, these are excellent. 757 00:50:17,579 --> 00:50:19,274 Guys? Richard? 758 00:50:23,519 --> 00:50:25,749 Think I've had these before. 759 00:50:33,195 --> 00:50:34,492 Oh, my God! 760 00:50:39,001 --> 00:50:41,094 I love this song. 761 00:50:41,203 --> 00:50:43,068 I know. 762 00:50:43,171 --> 00:50:45,833 It is the White Barry. 763 00:50:49,611 --> 00:50:51,340 Is that for me? 764 00:50:51,446 --> 00:50:53,380 I long to rub you the right way. 765 00:50:53,482 --> 00:50:57,111 You're such a bad little Badalandabad. 766 00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,027 No harm, no foul. 767 00:51:09,965 --> 00:51:13,526 - Are you all right? - Never better, my jasmine flower. 768 00:51:32,287 --> 00:51:34,221 That feels so good. 769 00:51:39,728 --> 00:51:42,322 Oh, my God. 770 00:51:46,735 --> 00:51:48,464 Take me. 771 00:51:48,570 --> 00:51:50,435 I want you now. 772 00:51:50,539 --> 00:51:52,302 Now! 773 00:51:52,407 --> 00:51:54,341 Shit! 774 00:51:55,377 --> 00:51:56,605 Don't tease me. 775 00:52:07,022 --> 00:52:09,923 This is the culmination of my being. 776 00:52:10,025 --> 00:52:13,552 Baby, I'm about to culminate. Now, get over here. 777 00:52:14,830 --> 00:52:16,661 Tajy, I'm so hot. 778 00:52:16,765 --> 00:52:19,563 - I feel on fire. - Oh, yeah, me too, baby. 779 00:52:19,668 --> 00:52:22,034 - Burning up. - Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up. 780 00:52:22,137 --> 00:52:24,435 You are most amazing to make me feel so... 781 00:52:25,273 --> 00:52:27,571 damn hot! 782 00:52:32,381 --> 00:52:34,849 I wonder how T-Bad's date's going. 783 00:52:34,950 --> 00:52:38,909 Scented candles, massage oils, Barry White. 784 00:52:39,021 --> 00:52:41,956 Yeah, we can't be too far from climax, huh? 785 00:53:02,144 --> 00:53:05,602 - Why do I always fail? - You put too much pressure on yourself. 786 00:53:05,714 --> 00:53:08,046 Don't worry about the money. I'll figure something out. 787 00:53:08,150 --> 00:53:09,549 More importantly... 788 00:53:11,119 --> 00:53:13,883 when the time is right... 789 00:53:13,989 --> 00:53:15,149 it'll happen. 790 00:53:15,257 --> 00:53:17,157 You'll find the one. 791 00:53:33,608 --> 00:53:36,168 I need to see the grade transcripts for Van Wilder, please. 792 00:53:36,278 --> 00:53:38,178 I don't think so. 793 00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:41,477 Student transcripts are confidential. Sorry. 794 00:54:14,983 --> 00:54:17,008 Swim team really does need your love, folks. 795 00:54:17,786 --> 00:54:22,018 And if Milty Mingleton can shove himself... 796 00:54:22,124 --> 00:54:24,615 into that weenie bikini... 797 00:54:28,497 --> 00:54:31,989 then you don't need to be shy about making your donations now! 798 00:55:09,504 --> 00:55:12,064 Thank you, Milty! 799 00:55:14,776 --> 00:55:17,404 After we put all the water back in the pool... 800 00:55:17,512 --> 00:55:20,106 we'll be accepting donations in the form of... 801 00:55:20,215 --> 00:55:22,547 cash, Visa and full-frontal nudity. 802 00:55:22,651 --> 00:55:24,118 Hutch, take over. 803 00:55:26,454 --> 00:55:29,821 That's right, folks. Save the swim team. 804 00:55:31,726 --> 00:55:34,160 Bikini-clad judges for a fund-raiser? That's pretty ingenious. 805 00:55:34,262 --> 00:55:36,822 Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells. 806 00:55:36,932 --> 00:55:39,765 It's not too late for you to enter the doubles breaststroke if you like. 807 00:55:39,868 --> 00:55:42,496 No, thanks. I forgot my suit. 808 00:55:42,604 --> 00:55:44,731 I just came across a bit of interesting information. 809 00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:46,364 All right, look. 810 00:55:46,474 --> 00:55:49,637 The vet assured me that canine semen is perfectly healthy. 811 00:55:49,744 --> 00:55:51,439 In fact, surprisingly rich-- 812 00:55:51,546 --> 00:55:54,481 You've been 18 units shy of graduating for the past 6 semesters. 813 00:55:58,486 --> 00:56:02,445 Whoa. You went klepto on my transcripts. 814 00:56:02,557 --> 00:56:04,525 What's going on with you? 815 00:56:04,626 --> 00:56:06,821 You're actively trying not to get out of here. 816 00:56:06,928 --> 00:56:11,388 Why are you doing this? Do you ever stop playing the in-depth reporter? 817 00:56:11,499 --> 00:56:14,559 I just want to know why you're putting off your life. 818 00:56:14,669 --> 00:56:17,661 Not for the paper. For me. 819 00:56:17,772 --> 00:56:19,535 I have no comment... 820 00:56:21,276 --> 00:56:23,176 for either of you. 821 00:56:57,045 --> 00:56:59,912 External occipital protuberance. 822 00:57:01,283 --> 00:57:04,446 Posterior gluteal line. 823 00:57:07,622 --> 00:57:09,852 Dorsal appendage. Gwen. 824 00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:12,620 - Was the last one right? - Yeah, that's right. 825 00:57:12,727 --> 00:57:16,219 Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists only in marine-equipped mammalia. 826 00:57:16,331 --> 00:57:17,958 I knew you weren't listening. 827 00:57:18,066 --> 00:57:20,398 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. I'm fine. 828 00:57:20,502 --> 00:57:23,062 Let's get out of here, go grab a beer. 829 00:57:23,872 --> 00:57:27,035 Are you insane? You know my midterm and finals ritual. 830 00:57:27,142 --> 00:57:29,975 I study till 11:00. Nine solid hours of sleep. 831 00:57:30,078 --> 00:57:33,206 Protein shake in the morning. Okay, very cute. 832 00:57:33,315 --> 00:57:35,408 And also correct. 833 00:57:35,517 --> 00:57:38,247 Which gives us 2 hours and 53 minutes of study time. 834 00:57:38,353 --> 00:57:41,379 So, honey, please focus. All righty? 835 00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:48,092 I have confirmations from the African-American Club... 836 00:57:48,196 --> 00:57:50,391 the Gay and Lesbian Caucus, MECCA, HEPA, PETA. 837 00:57:50,498 --> 00:57:53,160 This multi-coalition party was a masterful plan. 838 00:57:53,268 --> 00:57:55,930 It should triple our income. I just hope it's enough. 839 00:57:56,037 --> 00:57:58,301 Van, you must listen to me. 840 00:57:58,406 --> 00:58:01,500 We are merely one party away from accomplishing our goal. 841 00:58:01,609 --> 00:58:03,099 What if she's right, huh? 842 00:58:03,211 --> 00:58:05,941 What if I'm avoiding graduation because I'm scared? 843 00:58:06,047 --> 00:58:07,776 Listen to yourself, meathead. 844 00:58:07,882 --> 00:58:10,407 You've never doubted yourself in your whole life. 845 00:58:10,518 --> 00:58:12,850 This girl's got you thinking, man. It's not good. 846 00:58:14,022 --> 00:58:16,923 - Not good at all. - Hey, you! 847 00:58:17,025 --> 00:58:19,789 Please move banner a skosh higher, huh? 848 00:58:21,363 --> 00:58:23,923 You got all this. I'm gonna go-- 849 00:58:24,032 --> 00:58:26,296 I'm gonna go make some calls for the party, okay? 850 00:58:30,372 --> 00:58:32,806 - Hi, Van. - Hi, Donna. 851 00:58:32,907 --> 00:58:35,137 Hey, guys. 852 00:58:37,445 --> 00:58:40,437 - What are you doing in here? - I had to talk to you. 853 00:58:40,548 --> 00:58:43,278 I thought a lot about what you said, and-- 854 00:58:44,419 --> 00:58:46,546 Well, just-- 855 00:58:46,654 --> 00:58:48,622 just take a look at this. 856 00:58:48,723 --> 00:58:51,089 Yeah. Doodles. 857 00:58:51,192 --> 00:58:54,320 I attended class today. Just about stayed the whole time too. 858 00:58:54,429 --> 00:58:56,556 I'm glad you went to all your classes today. 859 00:58:56,664 --> 00:58:58,564 And a few that weren't mine. Stepped into the wrong one. 860 00:58:58,666 --> 00:59:00,759 Liked what I heard, stayed. 861 00:59:00,869 --> 00:59:03,235 That's great. It really is. 862 00:59:04,172 --> 00:59:07,107 It really is. But don't do it for me. 863 00:59:08,610 --> 00:59:09,838 Do it for you. 864 00:59:09,944 --> 00:59:12,777 Maybe I'm doing it for both of us. 865 00:59:14,249 --> 00:59:18,185 I shouldn't even be talking to you like this. 866 00:59:18,286 --> 00:59:20,652 And I shouldn't be in the women's locker room! 867 00:59:20,755 --> 00:59:24,247 But sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... 868 00:59:24,359 --> 00:59:27,954 even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be. 869 00:59:29,197 --> 00:59:31,665 How often does your heart lead you into the women's locker room? 870 00:59:34,369 --> 00:59:37,600 - This would be a first. - Why do I find that hard to believe? 871 00:59:37,705 --> 00:59:39,605 I'm not saying I've never been in here before. 872 00:59:39,707 --> 00:59:42,335 I'm saying it's usually a different part of my anatomy that does the leading. 873 00:59:42,444 --> 00:59:44,435 Oh, my God. 874 00:59:48,116 --> 00:59:51,574 I just couldn't believe it. Gwen and Van in the women's locker room. 875 00:59:51,686 --> 00:59:55,452 I mean, I just couldn't believe it. So anyway, let me tell you something. 876 01:00:06,067 --> 01:00:09,662 I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed. 877 01:00:12,073 --> 01:00:14,473 - I'm here to enlist your services. - Let me guess. 878 01:00:14,576 --> 01:00:17,238 "Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis, come-gargling frat boy party"? 879 01:00:17,345 --> 01:00:19,540 Then your mom can come. 880 01:00:21,316 --> 01:00:23,580 It's gonna be a bachelor party. 881 01:00:23,685 --> 01:00:25,915 One last night of debauchery with the fellas... 882 01:00:26,020 --> 01:00:29,012 before settling down with my fiancée, Gwen. 883 01:00:30,125 --> 01:00:33,720 Oh, please, you didn't think she'd be interested in a fuckup like you? 884 01:00:46,941 --> 01:00:49,171 That ought to be enough to get you started. 885 01:01:07,962 --> 01:01:09,327 Hello? 886 01:01:09,430 --> 01:01:11,364 Casey. I'm just using Gwen's computer. 887 01:01:11,466 --> 01:01:13,457 Is Gwen there? I need to talk to her. 888 01:01:13,568 --> 01:01:16,799 She's at Richard's getting ready for the engagement dinner tonight. Message? 889 01:01:16,905 --> 01:01:19,135 Nope. That's all right. 890 01:01:27,015 --> 01:01:29,415 Bye. Thanks for coming. 891 01:01:29,517 --> 01:01:32,111 Lindsey and Rob make such a great couple, don't you think? 892 01:01:32,220 --> 01:01:34,120 Yeah, I'm happy for them. 893 01:01:34,222 --> 01:01:36,986 They're gonna make a great married couple too. You know why? 894 01:01:37,091 --> 01:01:38,991 Because they love each other? 895 01:01:39,093 --> 01:01:40,993 Because they're compatible. 896 01:01:42,764 --> 01:01:45,927 Like a heart transplant patient finding a donor with the same blood type... 897 01:01:46,034 --> 01:01:48,229 and just the right chromosomal anomalies. 898 01:01:48,336 --> 01:01:51,169 A perfect match, connected forever. 899 01:01:52,473 --> 01:01:55,101 But that would mean one of them would have to be dead. 900 01:01:56,277 --> 01:01:59,405 Gwenny, I'm just saying that they're a match. 901 01:01:59,514 --> 01:02:01,744 Just like you and me. 902 01:02:07,288 --> 01:02:08,778 Lucky girl. 903 01:02:09,958 --> 01:02:11,448 Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson... 904 01:02:11,559 --> 01:02:15,495 I'd be honored if you and I surgically and spiritually... 905 01:02:15,597 --> 01:02:18,225 grafted our lives together. 906 01:02:18,333 --> 01:02:21,200 Richard, I don't know what to say. 907 01:02:21,302 --> 01:02:25,261 Just say yes, because I've got even more amazing news. 908 01:02:25,373 --> 01:02:27,603 Northwestern called this morning. They wanna interview me. 909 01:02:27,709 --> 01:02:30,371 They're gonna send some recruit alums to campus for written and oral exams. 910 01:02:30,478 --> 01:02:33,345 And then I am in! 911 01:02:33,448 --> 01:02:35,712 Oh, man, Northwestern. 912 01:02:35,817 --> 01:02:39,116 That's great. I'm so happy for you, Richard. 913 01:02:39,220 --> 01:02:44,283 Be happy for both of us. The Richard and Gwen life plan is kicking in. 914 01:02:44,959 --> 01:02:46,859 Northwestern. I am the shit. 915 01:02:48,062 --> 01:02:51,623 Your father wants to get us a place in Forest Grove as an engagement present. 916 01:02:51,733 --> 01:02:54,463 - My parents know about this? - Yeah, I told everyone. 917 01:02:56,904 --> 01:02:59,372 Where are you going? 918 01:02:59,474 --> 01:03:02,034 I'm not sure, and for some reason... 919 01:03:02,143 --> 01:03:04,668 I feel really good about that. 920 01:03:08,916 --> 01:03:10,816 I can't hold on 921 01:03:11,986 --> 01:03:14,011 There's no easy way 922 01:03:14,122 --> 01:03:16,556 Hey, Van, can I borrow-- 923 01:03:16,658 --> 01:03:18,558 My God, what happened to you? 924 01:03:19,827 --> 01:03:23,024 - I got hit by a big truck. - Are you okay? 925 01:03:23,131 --> 01:03:24,894 I'm all out of love 926 01:03:24,999 --> 01:03:27,331 I'm so lost without you 927 01:03:27,435 --> 01:03:29,767 I know you were right 928 01:03:29,871 --> 01:03:32,431 Believing for so long 929 01:03:36,544 --> 01:03:40,036 Dope song. What's it called? 930 01:03:40,148 --> 01:03:42,514 "Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... 931 01:03:42,617 --> 01:03:46,109 and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck." 932 01:03:46,220 --> 01:03:48,415 Originally performed by Air Supply. 933 01:03:48,523 --> 01:03:50,582 Who's Air Supply? 934 01:03:50,692 --> 01:03:52,751 How old are you, Sally? 935 01:03:54,295 --> 01:03:56,695 I'm old enough to be jealous of that Gwen girl. 936 01:04:04,939 --> 01:04:06,839 Okay, you can do this. 937 01:04:11,713 --> 01:04:13,271 I'm all out of love 938 01:04:13,381 --> 01:04:16,043 I'm so lost without you 939 01:04:16,150 --> 01:04:19,449 I know you were right believing for so long 940 01:04:19,554 --> 01:04:22,955 You must be Gwen-- the truck driver. 941 01:04:25,159 --> 01:04:27,059 Hey. Excuse me. Gwen! 942 01:04:28,896 --> 01:04:31,296 Hey, hold up a second. What are you doing here? 943 01:04:31,399 --> 01:04:34,061 What am I doing here? What were you doing in there? 944 01:04:34,168 --> 01:04:37,797 As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that's my room, wasn't it? 945 01:04:37,905 --> 01:04:40,601 What was that girl, a freshman? 946 01:04:40,708 --> 01:04:43,233 She reads at a sophomore level. 947 01:04:43,344 --> 01:04:45,676 This was a big mistake, Van. I'm leaving. 948 01:04:45,780 --> 01:04:49,181 Why are you here? Did you come to hire me to do your bachelorette party? 949 01:04:49,283 --> 01:04:53,117 'Cause your party pimp has already been booked by your fiancé. 950 01:04:53,221 --> 01:04:56,782 - My fiancé? What are you talking about? - When are you two tying the knot? 951 01:04:56,891 --> 01:04:59,155 Seriously, I'd really like to hold that date open. 952 01:04:59,260 --> 01:05:02,252 That is none of your business. And you know what? 953 01:05:02,363 --> 01:05:04,126 You're none of mine. 954 01:05:10,705 --> 01:05:13,833 Sounds to me like your rectal itch was getting a late-night booty scratch. 955 01:05:13,941 --> 01:05:18,708 First, my bitch turns down my proposal. Then she runs into that loser's arms. 956 01:05:18,813 --> 01:05:21,179 Now I don't even know where my bitch is. 957 01:05:21,282 --> 01:05:24,046 Wilder's got some big blowout tonight. Maybe your bitch is gonna be there. 958 01:05:24,152 --> 01:05:26,416 You do not call her that, gonad! 959 01:05:26,521 --> 01:05:28,648 Hey, guys. Just giving you all the 411 . 960 01:05:28,756 --> 01:05:31,281 I'm a counselor for the Further Leaders of America's overnighter. 961 01:05:31,392 --> 01:05:34,486 The bus doesn't leave for a few hours. Is there anything I can do before I go? 962 01:05:34,595 --> 01:05:36,290 Anything at all? 963 01:05:37,098 --> 01:05:41,694 Okay, listen up. We've got one quick stop off before we go. 964 01:05:41,803 --> 01:05:44,237 Tit wad! 965 01:05:46,073 --> 01:05:48,371 All right, thank you, man. Enjoy yourself. 966 01:05:48,476 --> 01:05:50,535 All right, sister. Enjoy yourself. Power to the people. 967 01:05:50,645 --> 01:05:52,408 - How you doing, my man? - What's up? 968 01:05:53,915 --> 01:05:57,476 I hate to break this to you, Ming, but you ain't Asian. 969 01:05:58,419 --> 01:06:00,819 Man, you ever heard of Tiger Woods, bitch? 970 01:06:00,922 --> 01:06:03,857 You better get out of here before I hit you upside the head with a three iron. 971 01:06:03,958 --> 01:06:06,950 What's wrong with you? Enjoy yourself. 972 01:06:07,061 --> 01:06:10,155 - What's wrong, dog? - Nothing. I don't feel like partying. 973 01:06:11,265 --> 01:06:12,732 That's a first. 974 01:06:12,834 --> 01:06:15,997 Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by and extend an olive branch. 975 01:06:16,103 --> 01:06:19,869 - ID, please. - It's a terrible picture of me, but-- 976 01:06:19,974 --> 01:06:22,636 Well, I'll be the judge of-- 977 01:06:22,743 --> 01:06:24,711 There's nothing fake about this ID. 978 01:06:24,812 --> 01:06:27,440 Did you sit behind me two semesters ago? 979 01:06:27,548 --> 01:06:30,073 I think I remember this behind. I mean, you sitting behind me. 980 01:06:30,184 --> 01:06:33,210 This whole rivalry thing has become a tad childish. 981 01:06:33,321 --> 01:06:37,758 Well, I hope we can put it all behind us and be friends. 982 01:06:37,859 --> 01:06:39,292 That's what Gwen wants. 983 01:06:39,393 --> 01:06:42,157 You have absolutely no idea what Gwen wants. 984 01:06:44,031 --> 01:06:46,261 Say hi to your gerbil for me. 985 01:06:53,374 --> 01:06:54,739 Okay, kids. 986 01:06:54,842 --> 01:06:56,742 This is our Uncle Jäger. 987 01:06:56,844 --> 01:06:59,642 That's right. Drink up. 988 01:06:59,747 --> 01:07:02,511 This tastes like shit. Do you have any scotch? 989 01:07:04,485 --> 01:07:06,817 Gotta go. Sorry. Bye. 990 01:07:06,921 --> 01:07:08,821 Bye-bye. Call me. 991 01:07:08,923 --> 01:07:10,550 Gentlemen. 992 01:07:10,658 --> 01:07:12,489 Trooper. 993 01:07:12,593 --> 01:07:16,654 We got an anonymous tip that there's some underage drinking going on here. 994 01:07:16,764 --> 01:07:17,924 Hutch? 995 01:07:18,032 --> 01:07:20,057 Hell no, man. I've been at the door all night. 996 01:07:24,772 --> 01:07:27,070 Good enough for me. Have fun, guys. 997 01:07:27,174 --> 01:07:29,699 All right, Trapper. Stay cool. 998 01:07:30,945 --> 01:07:34,847 - I love you, man. - No, man. 999 01:07:34,949 --> 01:07:36,678 I love you. 1000 01:07:38,786 --> 01:07:42,085 Those circus midgets cannot hold their booze! 1001 01:07:46,394 --> 01:07:49,261 Don't worry, Van. We'll get you out, man. 1002 01:08:01,342 --> 01:08:04,607 Delta Iota Kappa rules! 1003 01:08:08,416 --> 01:08:11,317 Damn it, Gwen, pick it up. I know you're there. 1004 01:08:11,419 --> 01:08:14,013 You know I have my Northwestern interview next week. 1005 01:08:15,389 --> 01:08:19,257 Look, I need you to help me "release"... 1006 01:08:19,360 --> 01:08:21,328 some pressure. 1007 01:08:21,429 --> 01:08:25,456 You know, help me "relax." 1008 01:08:25,566 --> 01:08:27,659 Just so we're clear, I'm talking about intercourse. 1009 01:08:27,768 --> 01:08:29,531 I know you had a fling with Wilder. 1010 01:08:29,637 --> 01:08:33,733 And it's okay. You just had to get it out of your system. 1011 01:08:33,841 --> 01:08:36,503 I just hope you used some protection. 1012 01:08:36,611 --> 01:08:39,205 And I wouldn't want our future children to be tainted... 1013 01:08:39,313 --> 01:08:41,941 because Mommy went slumming one night back in college. 1014 01:08:43,551 --> 01:08:46,520 Why don't you go "release" your own pressure? 1015 01:08:46,621 --> 01:08:51,251 And just so we're clear, I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!. 1016 01:08:55,429 --> 01:08:58,921 Hi, partner in crime. Is there anything I can do for you today? 1017 01:08:59,033 --> 01:09:00,432 Oh, my God! 1018 01:09:00,534 --> 01:09:02,695 We make such the fab team! 1019 01:09:02,803 --> 01:09:06,830 Last night, I was so like Bonnie and you were so like Clyde. And now this. 1020 01:09:06,941 --> 01:09:10,069 Would you shut up? I'm trying to pleasure you. 1021 01:09:10,177 --> 01:09:12,338 Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away. 1022 01:09:14,515 --> 01:09:17,746 - PS, this is an awesome room. - PS, shut the fuck up! 1023 01:09:22,523 --> 01:09:25,219 Here, I'm done with all of this. 1024 01:09:25,326 --> 01:09:28,625 - The Wilder story's not done. - Read it before you criticize. 1025 01:09:28,729 --> 01:09:31,527 He got expelled today. Is that in your story? 1026 01:09:31,632 --> 01:09:33,532 'Cause it should be. 1027 01:09:44,078 --> 01:09:47,047 - Is Van here? - He don't wanna see you. 1028 01:09:47,148 --> 01:09:49,241 - Excuse me? - Look. 1029 01:09:49,350 --> 01:09:52,410 - Why don't you just leave him alone? - Home wrecker. 1030 01:10:32,460 --> 01:10:35,122 Oh, thank you! Thank you! 1031 01:10:36,731 --> 01:10:38,961 Out of my way! 1032 01:10:44,538 --> 01:10:49,134 Stop packing! You can appeal the expulsion. It's in the school charter. 1033 01:10:49,243 --> 01:10:53,179 "Any student may appeal an expulsion before the university judicial board... 1034 01:10:53,280 --> 01:10:55,942 and state his or her case within 48 hours of being discharged." 1035 01:10:57,184 --> 01:10:59,675 Do you want my hot tub, or should I just give it to Milty? 1036 01:10:59,787 --> 01:11:01,448 We can get the law club to help. 1037 01:11:01,555 --> 01:11:03,955 They owe you after the "Sue Me, Screw Me" soiree you threw. 1038 01:11:04,058 --> 01:11:07,050 Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm really not interested. 1039 01:11:07,161 --> 01:11:10,528 - You're not hearing me-- - It's over, Taj! 1040 01:11:13,434 --> 01:11:15,664 Fuck you, Van Wilder! 1041 01:11:17,905 --> 01:11:19,873 You heard me. I say-- I say... 1042 01:11:19,974 --> 01:11:22,169 fuck you, you-you-you-- 1043 01:11:22,276 --> 01:11:24,335 you--you-- 1044 01:11:24,445 --> 01:11:26,572 you pussy ass motherfucker! 1045 01:11:26,680 --> 01:11:28,545 You-- You dicksucker! 1046 01:11:28,649 --> 01:11:30,583 Don't sugar coat it, Taj. 1047 01:11:30,684 --> 01:11:33,380 Tell me how you really feel. Seven years. 1048 01:11:34,989 --> 01:11:37,617 Seven years! I've accomplished nothing! 1049 01:11:37,725 --> 01:11:39,625 There's no reason to stay here anymore! 1050 01:11:39,727 --> 01:11:41,558 Sure, sure. You've made tons of friends... 1051 01:11:41,662 --> 01:11:45,530 who in the drop of a rupee do anything for you, and that doesn't mean much? 1052 01:11:45,633 --> 01:11:48,568 Who cares about Sick Boy and the charities you've helped... 1053 01:11:48,669 --> 01:11:51,570 and all of our athletics-- those are all so minuscule? 1054 01:11:51,672 --> 01:11:53,333 And I guess so is a promise... 1055 01:11:53,440 --> 01:11:56,841 made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid from India whose only dream... 1056 01:11:56,944 --> 01:12:00,004 was to bury his face in a beautiful woman's lotus patch. 1057 01:12:01,282 --> 01:12:04,115 You have shown me a life I could only dream about... 1058 01:12:04,218 --> 01:12:06,846 back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed. 1059 01:12:07,955 --> 01:12:10,753 Most importantly, you saw potential... 1060 01:12:13,527 --> 01:12:15,051 in me. 1061 01:12:16,063 --> 01:12:19,760 If you do not see potential in yourself, then you are a blind man. 1062 01:12:21,769 --> 01:12:23,134 I'm leaving. 1063 01:12:23,237 --> 01:12:25,705 Then leave. But leave the honorable way. 1064 01:12:26,841 --> 01:12:30,140 You've been looking for that dare-to-be-great situation. 1065 01:12:30,244 --> 01:12:32,644 It is at your doorstep. 1066 01:12:36,617 --> 01:12:37,982 We need to talk. 1067 01:12:50,664 --> 01:12:52,063 Get me the law club. 1068 01:13:05,713 --> 01:13:07,908 It's ridiculous! It's preposterous! 1069 01:13:08,015 --> 01:13:10,483 It's ludicrous! By God, it's impetuous! 1070 01:13:10,584 --> 01:13:13,576 - So does that mean you gonna help us? - Oh, it's on. 1071 01:13:34,942 --> 01:13:37,706 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1072 01:13:37,811 --> 01:13:40,541 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1073 01:13:42,516 --> 01:13:45,542 We are now in session. Mr. Wilder. 1074 01:13:45,653 --> 01:13:50,784 You were found in violation of Article 2, Section B of Coolidge's bylaws-- 1075 01:13:50,891 --> 01:13:53,223 soliciting of alcohol to extreme minors... 1076 01:13:53,327 --> 01:13:56,455 which is grounds for immediate expulsion. 1077 01:13:56,563 --> 01:13:58,690 You have opted to appeal. 1078 01:13:58,799 --> 01:14:00,164 The floor is yours. 1079 01:14:03,070 --> 01:14:04,469 Ladies and gentlemen... 1080 01:14:10,110 --> 01:14:11,805 as you know... 1081 01:14:11,912 --> 01:14:14,813 I've been a student here for seven years, and I've-- 1082 01:14:14,915 --> 01:14:17,645 Let Van stay! Let Van stay! 1083 01:14:23,791 --> 01:14:25,986 Order! Order! Settle down, everyone. 1084 01:14:27,294 --> 01:14:30,730 - Continue, Mr. Wilder. - I'm okay. 1085 01:14:30,831 --> 01:14:33,823 I've learned a lot here at Coolidge. 1086 01:14:33,934 --> 01:14:37,028 Let the record show that... 1087 01:14:37,137 --> 01:14:38,832 when I attended class... 1088 01:14:38,939 --> 01:14:41,931 I did receive exemplary marks. 1089 01:14:42,042 --> 01:14:45,944 However, it was only when I met a special someone... 1090 01:14:48,449 --> 01:14:50,849 that I realized what I was doing-- 1091 01:14:50,951 --> 01:14:53,283 hiding. 1092 01:14:53,387 --> 01:14:56,720 See, after this is real life, and I wasn't ready for that. 1093 01:14:56,824 --> 01:14:58,724 I don't know why exactly. 1094 01:14:58,826 --> 01:15:01,090 I do know that I don't wanna end up like my father... 1095 01:15:01,195 --> 01:15:03,095 whose whole life revolves around work. 1096 01:15:03,197 --> 01:15:05,256 But I see that now. 1097 01:15:05,366 --> 01:15:09,530 And I'm ready to move on. 1098 01:15:09,636 --> 01:15:12,196 Well, that's that. Good luck, loser. Who's ready for lunch? 1099 01:15:12,306 --> 01:15:15,036 - Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet. - What's any of this got to do with... 1100 01:15:15,142 --> 01:15:18,600 that he's guilty of an infraction that deserves expulsion? 1101 01:15:18,712 --> 01:15:20,145 Mr. Wilder. 1102 01:15:25,986 --> 01:15:28,250 I can't argue against the infraction. 1103 01:15:28,355 --> 01:15:31,654 I was responsible for that party, so what happened was my fault. 1104 01:15:31,759 --> 01:15:34,057 I'm here to lay myself at the mercy of this court... 1105 01:15:34,161 --> 01:15:36,994 and suggest an alternative punishment. 1106 01:15:37,097 --> 01:15:38,758 Make me graduate. 1107 01:15:38,866 --> 01:15:41,232 If you'll kindly take a look at my transcripts... 1108 01:15:41,335 --> 01:15:44,930 you'll see I'm 18 units from graduating with a leisure studies degree. 1109 01:15:45,039 --> 01:15:48,167 I am pleading to this committee, reinstate me. 1110 01:15:48,275 --> 01:15:50,641 Let me audit my last six classes, take the finals... 1111 01:15:50,744 --> 01:15:52,974 and leave Coolidge with a degree. 1112 01:15:57,484 --> 01:16:01,818 God, I've bled... 1113 01:16:01,922 --> 01:16:05,289 crimson and blue for nearly a decade. 1114 01:16:05,392 --> 01:16:09,192 This school has given me so much. Let me repay Coolidge... 1115 01:16:09,296 --> 01:16:12,163 by parting ways as a graduate. 1116 01:16:23,310 --> 01:16:25,642 What are the courses Mr. Wilder needs in order to graduate? 1117 01:16:25,746 --> 01:16:28,544 Biology, English Lit, Calculus, Economics... 1118 01:16:28,649 --> 01:16:30,947 - Sociology and Political Science. - Wow. 1119 01:16:31,051 --> 01:16:34,452 - That's quite a load. - Well, Van can handle quite a load. 1120 01:16:36,657 --> 01:16:40,457 If we expel him, there could be some sort of a coup d'état. 1121 01:16:40,561 --> 01:16:43,121 He broke a rule. He should pay the consequences. 1122 01:16:43,230 --> 01:16:44,629 Well, let's take a vote. 1123 01:16:44,731 --> 01:16:46,824 There's five of us here. Majority rules. 1124 01:16:47,801 --> 01:16:49,029 I vote reinstatement. 1125 01:16:49,136 --> 01:16:51,900 - Mr. Bagg? - Expulsion. 1126 01:16:52,005 --> 01:16:53,973 Miss Haver? 1127 01:16:54,074 --> 01:16:55,200 Reinstatement... 1128 01:16:55,309 --> 01:16:57,243 over and over. 1129 01:16:57,344 --> 01:16:59,869 Okay. Mrs. Seay? 1130 01:16:59,980 --> 01:17:01,038 Expulsion. 1131 01:17:01,148 --> 01:17:03,309 Professor McDoogle? 1132 01:17:03,417 --> 01:17:06,045 You know, I've waited a long, long time for this day to come. 1133 01:17:06,153 --> 01:17:07,643 Either way... 1134 01:17:07,754 --> 01:17:10,484 Van Wilder's tenure here at Coolidge is over. 1135 01:17:15,429 --> 01:17:17,329 Let's see what the kid's made of. 1136 01:17:18,699 --> 01:17:20,564 He's in! He's in! 1137 01:17:31,645 --> 01:17:33,909 - Hey, Jeannie. - Look. 1138 01:17:34,014 --> 01:17:36,847 I just wanted to explain about the whole, you know, Richard thing. 1139 01:17:36,950 --> 01:17:40,078 Me and Richard's unspoken bond blossomed the other night in one beautiful... 1140 01:17:40,187 --> 01:17:42,246 symbiotic act. 1141 01:17:42,356 --> 01:17:44,950 - What sort of act? - Messing up that Van Wilder party. 1142 01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,424 And then we bumped uglies. 1143 01:17:48,529 --> 01:17:50,690 It was the best ten seconds ever. 1144 01:17:52,633 --> 01:17:53,793 Ever. 1145 01:17:54,134 --> 01:17:57,103 Yes, these interviews are somewhat of a formality... 1146 01:17:57,204 --> 01:18:00,935 but I think it's crucial we like-minded people get to know one another. 1147 01:18:06,180 --> 01:18:09,047 - I knew you'd come to your senses. - Hello, Richard. 1148 01:18:09,149 --> 01:18:12,448 Look. I know we have a lot of surgery to perform on our relationship. 1149 01:18:12,553 --> 01:18:15,545 But right now I am prepping for the biggest moment of our lives. 1150 01:18:15,656 --> 01:18:20,559 I have a written exam first, and then an interview with five Northwestern alums. 1151 01:18:20,661 --> 01:18:22,060 All doctors. 1152 01:18:22,162 --> 01:18:24,756 That's why I came-- to help make you your shake. 1153 01:18:24,865 --> 01:18:27,060 - That'd be terrific, Gwenny. - I'll see you downstairs. 1154 01:18:29,002 --> 01:18:32,165 But hurry. Interview's in a half hour, other side of campus. 1155 01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:36,131 Sorry about that. 1156 01:18:43,984 --> 01:18:46,680 Northwestern. I am the shit. 1157 01:18:46,787 --> 01:18:48,846 You certainly will be. 1158 01:18:48,956 --> 01:18:51,083 Gwenny, thank you. 1159 01:18:56,296 --> 01:18:59,094 Good luck, honey. You deserve it. 1160 01:19:06,306 --> 01:19:09,002 I certainly do. 1161 01:20:12,839 --> 01:20:14,170 Cytosine. 1162 01:20:14,274 --> 01:20:15,969 Nothin' but net, my man. 1163 01:20:16,076 --> 01:20:19,910 Now remember, before any final, take a pregame dump. 1164 01:20:36,029 --> 01:20:38,497 Thanks for coming in. You did a great job, really. 1165 01:20:38,598 --> 01:20:41,590 Richard! I was just talking about you. 1166 01:20:41,702 --> 01:20:44,262 Hey, surprise. I'm on your oral exam board. 1167 01:20:44,371 --> 01:20:47,169 Look, come in here. I want you to meet your future alumni. 1168 01:20:47,274 --> 01:20:49,208 - I gotta go-- - No, come on. It's a great time. 1169 01:20:49,309 --> 01:20:51,368 Look, it's Richard. 1170 01:20:51,478 --> 01:20:55,380 Finished his written exam in only 20 minutes. This kid is a dynamo. 1171 01:20:55,482 --> 01:20:57,882 Richard, I want you to meet Dr. Stern. 1172 01:20:57,984 --> 01:20:58,973 Dr. Fine. 1173 01:20:59,086 --> 01:21:02,886 It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg. I've heard a lot about you. 1174 01:21:04,024 --> 01:21:06,925 - Dr. Brown. - This is something of a formality. 1175 01:21:07,027 --> 01:21:09,825 We just want to get to know you better. 1176 01:21:09,930 --> 01:21:12,398 And Dr. Smelnick. 1177 01:21:13,433 --> 01:21:15,663 Richard, is there something you want to say? 1178 01:21:15,769 --> 01:21:18,169 You look like you want to get something out, son. 1179 01:21:23,410 --> 01:21:24,502 Oh, my God! 1180 01:21:32,018 --> 01:21:33,610 - Vile. - Oh, it burns! 1181 01:21:37,124 --> 01:21:38,489 I'm bleeding! 1182 01:21:39,659 --> 01:21:41,149 Dear God, that's wretched. 1183 01:22:05,252 --> 01:22:07,948 "Oh, I kept the first for another day. 1184 01:22:08,054 --> 01:22:10,955 Yet knowing how way leads on to way... 1185 01:22:11,057 --> 01:22:14,049 I doubted if I should ever come back." 1186 01:22:14,161 --> 01:22:17,187 I want you to tell me what Robert Frost was trying to express here. 1187 01:22:17,297 --> 01:22:19,561 I'm gonna need at least one more booklet. 1188 01:22:20,767 --> 01:22:22,667 - What? - In other school news... 1189 01:22:22,769 --> 01:22:25,294 we have an update on the "Wilder Watch." 1190 01:22:25,405 --> 01:22:28,602 The rigorous day has been a success for Van the man. 1191 01:22:28,708 --> 01:22:33,202 Five finals in the can with Professor McDoogle's advanced econ final to go. 1192 01:22:35,982 --> 01:22:39,213 Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake up. 1193 01:22:39,319 --> 01:22:41,844 - Your final's in exactly seven minutes! - All right. 1194 01:22:55,135 --> 01:22:57,228 It's the moment of truth, people. 1195 01:23:12,652 --> 01:23:15,177 I'm so glad you could fit us into your schedule this morning. 1196 01:23:15,288 --> 01:23:17,518 Wouldn't miss it for the world, sir. 1197 01:23:19,025 --> 01:23:20,754 All right. 1198 01:23:20,861 --> 01:23:23,921 Pass these out. Thank you. 1199 01:23:45,318 --> 01:23:47,218 It's getting to be that time of the hour. 1200 01:23:50,824 --> 01:23:55,557 And your time is up, Mr. Wilder. Pencils down. 1201 01:24:00,567 --> 01:24:02,228 - Thank you. - For four years... 1202 01:24:02,335 --> 01:24:04,462 I have been grooming myself for the real world. 1203 01:24:04,571 --> 01:24:09,031 I, like many, define the real world as stuff that happens after graduation. 1204 01:24:09,142 --> 01:24:13,738 But I was wrong. It took a man by the name of Van Wilder to teach me that. 1205 01:24:13,847 --> 01:24:16,543 You've all undoubtedly been to one of Van's parties. 1206 01:24:16,650 --> 01:24:19,881 He's probably touched your life in some way, whether you know it or not. 1207 01:24:19,986 --> 01:24:22,454 Watch Van do belly flops into a pool... 1208 01:24:22,556 --> 01:24:27,255 but make sure you see he's raised $5,000 to give the swim team a next season. 1209 01:24:27,360 --> 01:24:30,523 As you're all aware, Van was almost expelled. 1210 01:24:30,630 --> 01:24:32,723 What you probably don't know is that he was set up... 1211 01:24:32,832 --> 01:24:34,732 by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy... 1212 01:24:34,834 --> 01:24:37,997 one who this reporter knows firsthand to have a serious problem... 1213 01:24:38,104 --> 01:24:40,937 with premature ejaculation. 1214 01:24:41,041 --> 01:24:43,407 And in reaction to this lynching... 1215 01:24:43,510 --> 01:24:47,071 Van put in more effort in six days than most have all semester. 1216 01:24:47,180 --> 01:24:51,844 Win or lose, we should thank him for reminding us what we're all capable of. 1217 01:24:51,952 --> 01:24:54,113 That's simply what he does-- 1218 01:24:54,220 --> 01:24:57,053 he inspires the uninspired. 1219 01:25:01,995 --> 01:25:05,556 Van. Hurry. The night of fun and fornication's upon us. 1220 01:25:05,665 --> 01:25:07,565 Hey, have you heard from Gwen? 1221 01:25:08,668 --> 01:25:10,898 No, she-- she hasn't yet called back. 1222 01:25:11,004 --> 01:25:13,802 Right. I'll be down in a minute, okay? 1223 01:25:13,907 --> 01:25:16,137 - Okay. - See ya, V. 1224 01:25:36,796 --> 01:25:40,664 Jesus. This is some pad you got here. 1225 01:25:40,767 --> 01:25:42,997 Decorated in early fuck. 1226 01:25:47,907 --> 01:25:51,138 Well, I made it a point to personally come down here, Wilder. 1227 01:25:51,244 --> 01:25:53,405 I wanted to give you the results of your test firsthand. 1228 01:25:53,513 --> 01:25:55,913 And just as I expected... 1229 01:25:57,083 --> 01:25:58,607 you succeeded. 1230 01:25:58,718 --> 01:26:01,949 - Ninety-one percent. - What? 1231 01:26:03,590 --> 01:26:05,182 I'm proud of you, Wilder. 1232 01:26:05,291 --> 01:26:07,953 I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential. 1233 01:26:08,061 --> 01:26:09,961 That's why you and I had friction? 1234 01:26:10,063 --> 01:26:13,191 I thought it was 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year. 1235 01:26:14,234 --> 01:26:17,465 Why? What-- You fooled around with my daughter? 1236 01:26:18,538 --> 01:26:19,766 What? 1237 01:26:36,156 --> 01:26:38,056 Hey, I know you. 1238 01:26:38,158 --> 01:26:40,490 - Thank you very much. - You're the best, Van. 1239 01:26:40,593 --> 01:26:43,027 Hey, I couldn't have did it without you. Appreciate it. 1240 01:26:43,129 --> 01:26:46,997 I need you to fill this up with ice. Pack as much as you can inside. 1241 01:26:47,100 --> 01:26:50,399 - Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 1242 01:26:52,472 --> 01:26:55,305 My name is Orissa Punjab Nizamabad. 1243 01:26:56,409 --> 01:26:59,071 I've just transferred here from Banglapur. 1244 01:27:08,788 --> 01:27:10,551 Excuse me. Can you tell me... 1245 01:27:10,657 --> 01:27:13,217 where I might find the raddest fucking dude alive? 1246 01:27:13,326 --> 01:27:15,624 Yeah, by the pool, Gramps. 1247 01:27:16,730 --> 01:27:19,961 Hey, I know you, man! Oh, fuck. 1248 01:27:20,066 --> 01:27:23,001 Congratulations, Van. I knew you had it in you. 1249 01:27:26,372 --> 01:27:28,340 Dad! I can't believe you're here. 1250 01:27:28,441 --> 01:27:30,375 I can't believe you graduated. 1251 01:27:30,477 --> 01:27:32,172 A friend of yours... 1252 01:27:32,278 --> 01:27:34,473 sent me this. 1253 01:27:35,949 --> 01:27:39,385 I'm proud of you, Van, graduation or no graduation. 1254 01:27:39,486 --> 01:27:42,319 Thank you. And I'm sorry that I spent... 1255 01:27:42,422 --> 01:27:45,755 such a buttload of your money for so long. 1256 01:27:45,859 --> 01:27:49,192 It's by far the best investment I ever made. 1257 01:27:59,005 --> 01:28:02,600 - You did good. - Let's get this man "leid." 1258 01:28:02,709 --> 01:28:05,143 Meet my new girl. 1259 01:28:21,594 --> 01:28:24,154 You look so-- 1260 01:28:24,264 --> 01:28:25,754 Wow. 1261 01:28:25,865 --> 01:28:28,891 - Wow. - I was hoping you'd say that. 1262 01:28:37,177 --> 01:28:40,772 - May I? - As long as we cuddle afterwards. 1263 01:28:45,084 --> 01:28:49,418 There's so much that I need to say-- the article-- 1264 01:28:57,030 --> 01:28:59,521 I was scared that you wouldn't come. 1265 01:28:59,632 --> 01:29:02,624 Well, I was trying to decide what panties I should wear. 1266 01:29:03,503 --> 01:29:05,528 Which ones did you choose? 1267 01:29:06,406 --> 01:29:08,101 None. 1268 01:29:55,855 --> 01:29:58,016 It's gonna be a bachelor party. 1269 01:29:58,124 --> 01:30:01,025 One last night of debauchery with the fellas. 1270 01:30:10,870 --> 01:30:13,031 You can't even-- 1271 01:30:13,139 --> 01:30:15,130 I mean, this girl is-- 1272 01:30:16,643 --> 01:30:19,976 - I was wondering-- - I'll do it. 1273 01:30:24,350 --> 01:30:27,444 I'm getting my shit together. Just one second. 1274 01:30:28,254 --> 01:30:29,812 I can't do this! 1275 01:30:39,866 --> 01:30:42,357 Oh, man. My mama never told me I'd be doing this. 1276 01:30:44,504 --> 01:30:46,438 I want to chew the-- 1277 01:30:46,539 --> 01:30:48,632 And then-- I don't know how. 1278 01:30:58,017 --> 01:31:02,579 Kids, this is what white jockey blowin' hookers will do to you.