1
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

2
00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:54,788
<i>There are many places
we could begin</i>

3
00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:57,490
<i>the next chapter of</i>
<i>the legend of Ron Burgundy.</i>

4
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:58,991
<i>This is one such place.</i>

5
00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,667
<i>However, we won't
begin our tale here.</i>

6
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:11,638
<i>No, our story begins in a
place all newsmen dream of.</i>

7
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,406
<i>In New York City.</i>

8
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,562
Ron Burgundy!

9
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,865
That lady's got an ass
like the Loch Ness Monster.

10
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:42,469
Thing is mysterious
and ever sought after.

11
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,537
Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?

12
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,272
Hey, when you've got an
ass like the North Star,

13
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,340
wise men are going to want
to follow it.

14
00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:52,145
<i>It was a time before
cell phones and steroids.</i>

15
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:56,382
<i>And for Ron and his now-wife
Veronica, life was good.</i>

16
00:01:56,383 --> 00:02:00,286
The Tooth Fairy's exposed
breast made the child uncomfortable.

17
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,356
The Bishop wore
buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.

18
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:04,824
Bat mitzvah.

19
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:08,528
The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.

20
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,598
The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.

21
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,502
Corningstone.
Corningstone.

22
00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:20,240
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

23
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,609
They're coming in through
the back door! Oh, no!

24
00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:26,246
Oh, no!

25
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,387
Grab the children!
Save the children!

26
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,183
Five, four...

27
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,984
Have a great broadcast.
You, too, darling.

28
00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:38,858
Good evening. This is the weekend
edition of <i>WBC News at 6:30.</i>

29
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,627
I'm Ron Burgundy.

30
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:42,228
And I'm Veronica Corningstone.

31
00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:44,197
Our top story tonight.

32
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,431
The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...

33
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:49,301
When the broadcast is over,
send these two up to my office.

34
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,603
Time to make a change.

35
00:02:55,942 --> 00:03:00,880
Rumor has it that after 35
years of manning the helm,

36
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,516
Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.

37
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,885
That's right.

38
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,488
Do you...
Do you think we could be...

39
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,856
We could be getting
the <i>Nightly News,</i> Ron?

40
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,760
I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.

41
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,528
Oh, my God.
That's what's happening, isn't it?

42
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,363
I'm hyperventilating.
Yes, I see that.

43
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,767
Look at me.

44
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,469
Oh, you... Well.

45
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,305
I'm laughing like a
ventriloquist's dummy.

46
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,973
You are.

47
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,908
Let's stop that before
we get in there.

48
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,311
Don't do that in there, darling.

49
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:35,281
Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.

50
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:39,552
I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.

51
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,454
Done a hell of a job.
Yes, sir.

52
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,855
A hell of a job!

53
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,757
I've gone through four wives.

54
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,595
I have six or seven kids that I haven't
got the time to tell I love them.

55
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,629
To be honest, they
sound a little needy.

56
00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:53,965
And I killed four men in Okinawa.

57
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,335
W.W. Two.

58
00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,371
And that was two weeks ago.

59
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,441
The point is,

60
00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:06,546
this is a very demanding job.
Yes.

61
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,680
But I'm close to thinking that

62
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,350
you may have what it takes.

63
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,653
Now, let me look at you.

64
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:18,924
Oh, my God.

65
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,828
Would it be wrong to say
you smell terrific?

66
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,395
Ron, please!
Okay.

67
00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:25,931
What are you?

68
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,466
Finnish?

69
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,572
Oddly enough, I'm 100%
full-blown Mexican.

70
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,509
From the state of Oaxaca.

71
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,477
No, you're not, honey.

72
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:42,881
Hello, sir. Oh, my heart is racing.

73
00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:46,819
Hmm.

74
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:50,088
I just have to say, this is
super creepy and unorthodox.

75
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,993
You like-a da merchandise, huh?

76
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,463
Sorry.

77
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,600
All right.

78
00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,104
We're about to make

79
00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,975
network news history.

80
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,744
Veronica.
Yes?

81
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:15,048
You're going to be
the first female full-time

82
00:05:15,049 --> 00:05:17,016
network news anchor.

83
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,852
Oh, my goodness!
Oh! I knew it.

84
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,788
And you, Mr. Burgundy...

85
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:24,057
I'm going to be the first
lactose intolerant anchor.

86
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:26,392
Mr. Burgundy.
Yes?

87
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:27,994
You're fired.

88
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,494
Come again?

89
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:30,929
Fired.

90
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:35,066
You are the worst anchorman

91
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:38,838
I have ever seen.

92
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,841
But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.

93
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:45,478
Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!

94
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,847
Oh. Jeez, I am so sorry.

95
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,516
Someone put the story
in all capital letters,

96
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,052
and I... I thought
I was supposed to yell it.

97
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:56,089
President Parter...
Ah, shit!

98
00:05:56,090 --> 00:05:57,957
I mean, President Carter

99
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,593
will speak at the summit Tuesday.

100
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,428
Tony, did I just curse?

101
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,497
Are you kidding me? Shit!

102
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:07,065
I mean... Shit. Shoot!

103
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,870
The slain Civil Rights leader
was eulogized...

104
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,572
Oh!

105
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:15,207
Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!

106
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,677
Folks, I'm sorry.

107
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,480
I hold myself to
a high professional standard

108
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,015
and you shouldn't hear
that language, okay?

109
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,119
I'm having a shitty day.
Oh, fuck-stick!

110
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,088
Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,

111
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,424
so I'm going to give you the
evening to think about it.

112
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,092
I forbid it!

113
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:37,130
You forbid it?
What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?

114
00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:38,898
Who the hell is Julius Caesar?

115
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,067
You know I don't follow the N.B.A.

116
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,503
Look, I am so sorry
that this happened, Ron,

117
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:45,872
but you and I, we're
partners, sweetheart.

118
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:50,141
And when something good happens
to me, it also happens to you.

119
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:51,511
That's ridiculous!

120
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,146
It clearly just happened to you!

121
00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:55,515
You... Oh! Be quiet.

122
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,150
Mom?

123
00:06:57,151 --> 00:07:00,520
I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.
He no go to sleep.

124
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:03,589
Damn it, Lupita, what have you been
doing up there? Eating nachos?

125
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,826
Mommy? Daddy?
Why are you yelling at each other?

126
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,562
Did Mom touch Dad's hair again?

127
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,998
Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?

128
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,066
Mommy and Daddy are just
having a discussion.

129
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:18,538
No! He needs to hear this.
He's six years old. He's a man.

130
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,706
Walter, listen to me.

131
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:23,509
Life isn't a fairy tale.
It's not a bunch of

132
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,545
jumping rope and grabbing ass.

133
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,946
It's complicated.

134
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,615
What do you want to do with your life?
What do you want to be when you grow up?

135
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,151
I want to be an
astronaut or a cowboy!

136
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,986
You're never going to
be any of those, okay?

137
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,621
Ron!

138
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,657
You've got to set
the bar a lot lower.

139
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:40,693
Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.

140
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,596
Maybe you're a lighting
guy at a porn shoot.

141
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:47,800
Which basically means you hold up a
flashlight while adults do things.

142
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,869
He is a child, Ron!

143
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:52,238
Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair on his nugs.

144
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,973
He's old enough to hear this.

145
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,777
Your father is a wise man.
I will lock you in a closet!

146
00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,011
Veronica, here's the bottom line.

147
00:08:00,913 --> 00:08:02,881
It's a very simple decision.

148
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:08,554
It's either me or the job.

149
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,855
It doesn't have
to be a choice, Ron.

150
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,626
Don't do this.

151
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:16,928
Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.

152
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:18,763
Me...

153
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:21,799
...or the job.

154
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:40,620
<i>Hello, and welcome
to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.</i>

155
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:45,658
<i>Sponsored by British Petroleum.
B.P. Oil, nature's best friend.</i>

156
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:48,794
<i>And now, here's your host,</i>
<i>Ron Burgundy.</i>

157
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:51,264
<i>Good afternoon, everyone.</i>

158
00:08:51,265 --> 00:08:54,300
<i>And welcome to
world-famous SeaWorld,</i>

159
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,803
<i>here in San Diago, California.</i>

160
00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:01,806
<i>Here's a fun fact, dolphins aren't fish.
They're mammals.</i>

161
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:05,211
<i>Here's another fun fact,</i>

162
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:08,546
<i>I haven't felt the loving</i>
<i>embrace of a human being</i>

163
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:10,382
<i>in over three months.</i>

164
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:18,289
<i>I'm so lonely I paid a
hobo to spoon with me.</i>

165
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,828
<i>Let's bring out our
world-class trainers here,</i>

166
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,263
<i>Jesse and Paula.</i>

167
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,701
<i>Thank you.</i>
<i>Thank you, Ron.</i>

168
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,069
<i>Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.</i>

169
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,307
<i>Oh, Ron Burgundy, everyone.</i>

170
00:09:34,308 --> 00:09:35,509
<i>I want to kiss you.
No.</i>

171
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:37,306
<i>Or I'll kiss your friend.
No.</i>

172
00:09:37,308 --> 00:09:40,913
<i>How about the two trainers kiss
each other? What do you say, huh?</i>

173
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,050
<i>So, let's say hello to
the stars of the show,</i>

174
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,652
<i>Chippy and Roo-roo!</i>

175
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:48,988
<i>For your information,</i>
<i>Chippy was rehabilitated</i>

176
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,922
<i>and Roo-roo</i>
<i>is an asshole.</i>

177
00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:52,992
<i>Ooh!</i>

178
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,294
<i>Look, they're swimming</i>
<i>and doing tricks!</i>

179
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,129
<i>Folks, what do you expect?</i>
<i>They're dolphins.</i>

180
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,366
<i>What did you say?</i>

181
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,635
<i>Look at you,</i>
<i>with that permanent smile.</i>

182
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,737
<i>You think you're so smart,</i>
<i>with your secret language.</i>

183
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,378
<i>You just fart out</i>
<i>of the top of your head.</i>

184
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,010
You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
Boo!

185
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:14,313
Children and animals
hate you, Ron Burgundy!

186
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,083
<i>I would eat dolphins</i>
<i>if it was legal!</i>

187
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,150
Unhand me, you buffoons!

188
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,123
All right, first, you threw
up in the shark tank.

189
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,826
Then you fed the seals
a chicken gyro?

190
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,229
And now this?
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!

191
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,164
Guess what, Trevor?

192
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,033
Every morning I get
here a half hour early

193
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,369
and I sexually assault a starfish!

194
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,906
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.

195
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,844
Well, I know it's not
a pretty sight.

196
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,385
And you're gonna be
the sole witness.

197
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:49,114
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.

198
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,184
It's too late, Baxter.

199
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,088
I'm going the way
of the ancient samurai

200
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,757
who, when dishonored,

201
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,892
would hang themselves
from a fluorescent light.

202
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,028
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.

203
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,132
Oh!

204
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:09,969
Oh!

205
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,104
Sweet cream on nipples!

206
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,873
Uh, Mr. Burgundy?

207
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,875
Hello, I...
Oh, my God!

208
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:19,145
What the hell happened?

209
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,246
Um... Um...

210
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,883
I tried to hang myself?

211
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,316
Because my life's a mess?

212
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,154
And I saw no other option?

213
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,089
I think you're telling the truth,

214
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,358
but why are you saying
it like you're lying?

215
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:35,327
It was a call for help?
But it didn't work because

216
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,095
I'm too heavy and the
ceiling lamp broke?

217
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,932
Something like that?

218
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,702
Yeah, I... I think you're
telling the truth.

219
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,369
I am.
That's what happened.

220
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,709
Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.

221
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,078
I'm telling you, suicide
makes you hungry,

222
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,946
I don't care what anyone says.

223
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,481
My name is Freddie Shapp,

224
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:59,051
and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.

225
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,220
We're starting
a 24-hour news channel.

226
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,855
First of its kind!

227
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,725
GNN. The Global News Network.

228
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,296
That is without a doubt

229
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,998
the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

230
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,235
You mean news going 24
hours around the clock?

231
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,771
A channel that's never
off, in other words?

232
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:22,475
Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. It's, uh...

233
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:26,178
No offense, but you
are a stupid asshole.

234
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:29,882
Mr. Burgundy, I assure you
we are 100% for real.

235
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,318
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.

236
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,054
And Kench Allenby,
multi-millionaire

237
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,856
and owner of Koala Airlines.

238
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,158
So glad he was acquitted of murder.

239
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,761
I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.

240
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,430
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.

241
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,532
I don't think you
understand, Freddie.

242
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,401
My hero, Mack Tannen, told me

243
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:52,036
I was the worst journalist
he'd ever seen.

244
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,241
I'm not good enough.

245
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,876
Here.

246
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,010
This is your first week's salary.

247
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,615
By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!

248
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,650
What do you say, Ron?

249
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,189
I'll take the job.

250
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,191
And I swear I'll be
number one again.

251
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,328
I'll take back my son,

252
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,264
restore my reputation,

253
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,199
and make everything
right with Veronica.

254
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,234
But more importantly,

255
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,270
I'm going to do
what God put Ron Burgundy

256
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,872
on this Earth to do.

257
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:29,340
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.

258
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:33,546
Ron... You've made my day.

259
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:36,248
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.

260
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:39,251
Your call.
I just have to find them.

261
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,463
San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.

262
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,365
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired

263
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,568
for being drunk
on the air and saying,

264
00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:57,536
"The only Olympic sport
Filipinos are good at

265
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,305
"is eating cats and dogs."

266
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,144
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!

267
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,446
<i>♪ Delicious chicken</i>
<i>Swing on through</i>

268
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,615
<i>♪ Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!</i>

269
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,184
I'm local San Diego
legend Champ Kind,

270
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,886
and I believe in two things.

271
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,955
Good chicken, and that the census

272
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,191
is a way for the U.N. to
make your children gay.

273
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,360
So come on by and grab a wing.

274
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,530
<i>'Cause when you do,</i>
<i>you'll say, "Whammy!"</i>

275
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,398
<i>No Catholics or Jews admitted.</i>

276
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,900
All right, there you go.

277
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,970
One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.

278
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,873
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.

279
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,608
My gosh, let me take care of that.

280
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:37,243
Get out of here before

281
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,478
I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!

282
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,659
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!

283
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,618
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.

284
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,987
Ron? Ron Burgundy?

285
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,256
Get over here!
How are you, friend?

286
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,591
God, I have longed for you.

287
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,126
It's good to see you, too.

288
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,360
Oh, this feels like home.

289
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,463
Are you all right?

290
00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,632
Yeah, I'm fine.
Better now.

291
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,133
Okay, let's break
the huddle here, huh?

292
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,603
Okay. All right.
All right.

293
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,472
You get back here! Oh!

294
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,474
Don't be weird!

295
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,943
So, anyway,
Harken sat me down, he said,

296
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,113
"Champ, you're a dangerous
alcoholic, a racist,

297
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:16,482
"and I don't think you
know a lick about sports."

298
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,951
And I said, "Ed, you dirty Polack,

299
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,419
"it's 10:00 in the morning.

300
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,022
"Let's go have some drinks
and go to a baseball game

301
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:26,025
"where the Mexicans hit some touchdowns."
Then he fires me!

302
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,294
Fortunately,
on the way out the door,

303
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,329
I fake a work injury.

304
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,398
With the settlement,
I bought this place.

305
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,579
Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.

306
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,236
Listen, can I ask you a question?

307
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,503
Sure. Anything.

308
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,572
Is... Is this chicken?

309
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,075
Oh, hell, no.

310
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,445
It's really impossible to turn a
profit if you serve real chicken.

311
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,314
Yeah. We use mainly bats.

312
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,648
What?

313
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:52,284
Yeah. But the good quality kind.

314
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,220
That's the most horrible
thing I've ever heard.

315
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,256
Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?

316
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,458
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?

317
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,161
Yep. Do you know
what they call bats?

318
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,563
Bats.
"Chicken of the cave."

319
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,498
No one calls them
"chicken of the cave."

320
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,367
Who's "they," by the way?

321
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,569
There's a guy I met named Paco,

322
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,404
sells bikers speed at the pier.

323
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,340
So that guy calls them

324
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,481
"chicken of the cave."
Yeah.

325
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,977
That's not "they."

326
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:20,179
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it?

327
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,115
I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.
It's delicious.

328
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,583
It's all tendon. Look at it.

329
00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:29,121
Was that a bat?

330
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,290
Chicken of the cave.

331
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,258
What brings you here, Ron?

332
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:36,428
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.

333
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,397
Whammy! I'm in!

334
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,566
You've got yourself a sportscaster.
Oh, great.

335
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,766
Denny!

336
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:45,270
Lock up!

337
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:48,307
Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
You haven't heard?

338
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,740
Fantana hit the big time.

339
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,310
Aw, baby.

340
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:57,349
Yeah, that's it, play for me.
Just play around.

341
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,550
Roll around and lift
those legs up. Mmm!

342
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,122
You are a hairy little thing,
aren't you?

343
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:07,493
Yeah. Oh, I like
what's happening!

344
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,396
Oh, that's it.
Yeah. Yeah.

345
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,131
Oh, you little fuzzball,
that's... Oh!

346
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,503
I got it.

347
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,670
It's not getting
any better than that.

348
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,508
That's brilliant!
Yeah, yeah.

349
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,609
Hey, Brian, you have any
time for the little people?

350
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,814
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

351
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:35,654
Hey, Brian.
Champ! How you doing?

352
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,256
Hey!

353
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,557
Wow. This is a...
Cool it!

354
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,359
Oh, I can't believe...

355
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,061
Oh, wow.
It's great to see you!

356
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:46,298
Welcome. Welcome to my doj'.
This place is spectacular!

357
00:17:46,324 --> 00:17:48,133
It's amazing.
A bit chaotic today.

358
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:50,135
We got the <i>Cat Fancy</i>
<i>cover coming out.</i>

359
00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:51,737
You know how that can be. Ooh.

360
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,305
I've been living in a tent
for the last two years.

361
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,640
Oh, yeah, this is not that.

362
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,408
We got a sauna in the kitchen.

363
00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,079
A lot of people think that's
weird, but I keep wine in it.

364
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,314
I'm not a wine guy, but I
know you got to keep it hot.

365
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,383
Oh, and check this out.

366
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,518
This... This was fun.

367
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,488
- We shot this over two weeks in Prague.
- Wow.

368
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,723
You know what they call cats?

369
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,259
Chicken of the rail yard.
No.

370
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,228
What?
Don't indulge him.

371
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,996
- Yeah.
- There's a lot of meat.

372
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,531
But I love it.

373
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,167
And what's so great about
it is it's so damn true.

374
00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,535
I hate Mondays!

375
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,437
I'm not a Monday guy.

376
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,506
Ron hates Mondays.

377
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,708
Hell, I'm not crazy
about them, either.

378
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,277
I also don't like Tuesdays,
Wednesdays or Thursdays.

379
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,180
So why are you guys here, anyway?

380
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:36,715
Well, Brian,

381
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,151
we're getting the news team
back together again.

382
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,619
Really?

383
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,921
And, of course, we want to
know if you'll join us.

384
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,356
Jeez, I don't know.

385
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,625
I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...

386
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,828
I don't know if I can.
Christ, I get it.

387
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:53,398
I mean, you're the Quincy Jones of cat
photographers. Why would you leave all this?

388
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:54,833
Hey, Brian,
I don't know if you heard,

389
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,301
but New York has
all-nude strip clubs.

390
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,541
The question still remains...

391
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,143
Where's Brick Tamland?

392
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,444
Oh.

393
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,146
You guys didn't hear?

394
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:08,514
No, what happened?

395
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:09,580
Brick's...

396
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:12,516
Dead.

397
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:22,561
Brick was lost at sea

398
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,530
- about a year ago.
- Oh.

399
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,665
Thought he saw a bird and
he swam out to pet it.

400
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,433
He never came back.

401
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,936
We all loved Brick,

402
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,572
even though he never
had a phone number,

403
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:36,942
or address or
Social Security number.

404
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,844
In six years of
working at the station,

405
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,512
he never cashed a paycheck.

406
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,813
That sweet Brick.

407
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,448
He was a sensitive man, though.

408
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,617
He told me he wanted
to donate his organs

409
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:48,687
to science before he died,

410
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,788
so he could see
where they ended up.

411
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,659
He'll long be remembered

412
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,059
and he'll be sorely missed.

413
00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:01,832
Thank you, Reverend.

414
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,836
Oh.
Oh, come on!

415
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,206
- Brick was a great man.
- Really?

416
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:08,774
And I will miss him so much.

417
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,343
And I will not rest
until I find his killer.

418
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,278
What?
His killer?

419
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,646
It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone.

420
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,650
He's not gone.

421
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,587
I feel that
I just saw him yesterday.

422
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,589
You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.

423
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,925
When I got the news...

424
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,861
I didn't even know
how to make sense out of it!

425
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,430
None of us understand!

426
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,732
Why? Why?

427
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,001
Why did you take him from us?

428
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,303
You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.

429
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:39,771
God damn you!

430
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,940
Brick!
Brick is dead!

431
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,709
No, Brick's alive.
Brick is dead!

432
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,410
Look at him!
He's not dead.

433
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:46,545
He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.

434
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:47,813
You're Brick!
Brick, it's you!

435
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,615
He's dead!

436
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,751
No! You are Brick! Touch yourself.

437
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,387
- I am Brick?
- Yes!

438
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,589
- I'm alive?
- Yes!

439
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,857
Of course.

440
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,559
Of course you are.

441
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,427
Oh, for heaven's sake.

442
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,663
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.

443
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,937
Do you remember our
Easter trip to San Francisco?

444
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,840
We got so drunk, we put
Brick in a refrigerator box

445
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,441
and threw him off
the Golden Gate Bridge.

446
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:21,480
I broke my back!

447
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,348
What about the time
that you dared Champ

448
00:21:23,349 --> 00:21:25,751
to drink that beer stein
full of Woolite?

449
00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:27,953
He drained it faster than you
could say, "No, don't do it.

450
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,721
"That's the equivalent
of drinking poison."

451
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:35,427
Oh, Lord, I was in
a six-month coma.

452
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:37,729
And they say from the
neurological damage,

453
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,498
there's no way I live past 55!

454
00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,603
You got three
years left, my friend.

455
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,437
You're gonna die!

456
00:21:48,707 --> 00:21:51,376
Hey, hey, remember?
I was by myself

457
00:21:51,377 --> 00:21:54,479
and I had that dream
about the orange tree.

458
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,014
But instead of oranges,
it had babies on it.

459
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,986
It was a baby tree!

460
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:03,755
Brick, how could we remember?
It's your dream.

461
00:22:03,756 --> 00:22:06,690
I don't know.
It's all the same thing.

462
00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:11,930
It's an interesting dream,
but we're telling stories

463
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,765
involving the entire
news team from the past.

464
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:21,006
Or how about the time when I was
born and I came out of the vagina?

465
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:27,611
I was screaming, "Here I come! Oh!
Here I come, Mom!"

466
00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:32,451
First off, Brick, I highly doubt
you remember your own birth.

467
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:35,020
And, once again,
we weren't there.

468
00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:40,125
Ron, I can't...

469
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,828
I can't stop laughing, Ron!

470
00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:44,663
Put a pencil in his mouth.

471
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:45,830
It's okay.

472
00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:47,799
There you go.

473
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,901
I'm okay now.

474
00:22:49,902 --> 00:22:52,838
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!

475
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:54,138
Ron,

476
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,576
Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!

477
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,645
That old man
is so little and hairy!

478
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,449
Hey, Ron, who's driving?

479
00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:06,030
Oh, it's okay,
it's on cruise control.

480
00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,089
Who wants some chimichangas, huh?

481
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:12,791
Best thing I ever did was install

482
00:23:12,792 --> 00:23:14,826
this deep fryer in the 'bago.

483
00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:17,462
Ron, why do you have
this bag of bowling balls

484
00:23:17,463 --> 00:23:19,731
and this terrarium filled
with scorpions?

485
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:22,868
- Oh, it's a long, crazy story!
- Hey, Ron.

486
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:25,049
Cruise control just regulates
speed, it doesn't steer.

487
00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:27,538
- Come again?
- Oh!

488
00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:29,634
Well, that is gonna
make one hell of a story.

489
00:24:37,242 --> 00:24:40,579
The Big Apple.
Ron Burgundy is back.

490
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:42,647
Why do they call it
the Big Apple, Ron?

491
00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:45,049
Because New York has
an apple tree on every street.

492
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,921
Here we are.
Welcome to GNN.

493
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:57,095
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?

494
00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:59,698
Guys, I know it's a bit
of a mess, but trust me,

495
00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:02,601
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.

496
00:25:02,602 --> 00:25:06,271
And we've culled the whole
country for the best newsmen.

497
00:25:06,272 --> 00:25:07,906
There's Curtis Knightfish
from Houston.

498
00:25:07,907 --> 00:25:09,541
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.

499
00:25:09,542 --> 00:25:11,243
They don't get
any better than that.

500
00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:14,946
And there's Diane
Yahwea from Carson City.

501
00:25:14,947 --> 00:25:16,882
Diane Yahwea.
You know what they call her, right?

502
00:25:16,883 --> 00:25:18,650
"All the Way Yahwea."

503
00:25:18,651 --> 00:25:20,151
She's my aunt.

504
00:25:20,152 --> 00:25:22,187
And the best in the biz.

505
00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:25,257
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.

506
00:25:25,258 --> 00:25:29,594
Rumor is Allenby is giving
him one mil a year.

507
00:25:29,595 --> 00:25:31,415
That's crazy.
Who's worth that kind of money?

508
00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:36,835
Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!

509
00:25:36,836 --> 00:25:39,204
I bet his poop
smells like sandalwood.

510
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,139
Can I help you, guy?

511
00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:42,741
What was that?

512
00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:44,242
I said,
"Can I help you, guy?"

513
00:25:44,243 --> 00:25:46,878
Uh...
What do you mean?

514
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:49,014
Well, you're staring
at me, hotshot.

515
00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:50,849
Do you want my autograph?

516
00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:54,819
No, he was just explaining

517
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,855
who you were and I
was looking at you.

518
00:25:56,856 --> 00:25:58,089
And then he said something

519
00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,025
and I was still looking at you.

520
00:26:06,765 --> 00:26:08,700
Jack Lime is a great man!

521
00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:13,838
Is that what I sound like when I talk?

522
00:26:16,174 --> 00:26:17,776
Is there a problem?

523
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:20,045
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No problem.

524
00:26:20,046 --> 00:26:22,113
Well, you're making a face
like you got a problem.

525
00:26:22,114 --> 00:26:24,115
Um, I'm sorry that
I'm making that face.

526
00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:27,152
I don't mean to make a face that
seems like I have a problem.

527
00:26:27,153 --> 00:26:30,322
I don't like that face! You need
to change it, and change it quick.

528
00:26:30,323 --> 00:26:31,823
Stop making that face.

529
00:26:31,824 --> 00:26:33,825
Is this face better?

530
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:38,396
Oh, I don't like... Oh, that new
face is driving me crazy! Change it, now!

531
00:26:38,397 --> 00:26:39,598
You're getting him mad.

532
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:41,331
I only have so many faces.

533
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:45,136
I'm just grinding your
gears, man.

534
00:26:45,137 --> 00:26:47,172
Welcome to the station!

535
00:26:47,173 --> 00:26:49,440
We're going to have
a good time together.

536
00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:54,613
Oh, my God.
That's vintage Jack Lime.

537
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:55,814
Come on, guys.

538
00:26:55,815 --> 00:26:57,649
Let's go meet the boss.

539
00:26:57,650 --> 00:26:59,651
We'll have separate cameras

540
00:26:59,652 --> 00:27:02,787
for you, and then sports
and then weather.

541
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,956
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?

542
00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:09,060
Well, Linda Jackson has
a shelf full of Emmys.

543
00:27:09,061 --> 00:27:12,931
She's as tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.

544
00:27:12,932 --> 00:27:15,133
Oh, hey, Linda!

545
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:18,269
I want to introduce you
to Ron Burgundy.

546
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:21,106
Linda Jackson.
How are you, my friend?

547
00:27:21,107 --> 00:27:22,072
Ron.

548
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,408
This is Linda Jackson.

549
00:27:25,210 --> 00:27:26,410
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

550
00:27:27,045 --> 00:27:28,946
Oh. Uh...

551
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:30,981
Black.

552
00:27:32,417 --> 00:27:34,218
Black.
Jesus, just stop, Ron.

553
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,421
I'm terribly sorry.

554
00:27:36,422 --> 00:27:38,856
I don't know why
I can't stop saying...

555
00:27:39,424 --> 00:27:41,292
Black. The word "black."

556
00:27:41,293 --> 00:27:43,028
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

557
00:27:43,029 --> 00:27:44,929
Black.
Stop.

558
00:27:44,930 --> 00:27:46,231
Black.

559
00:27:46,232 --> 00:27:47,297
Stop saying "black."

560
00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:55,340
Black. If I don't say it, I'll pass out.
Stop saying it!

561
00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,409
Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?

562
00:27:57,410 --> 00:27:59,678
Right away, Ms. Jackson.
Thank you.

563
00:27:59,679 --> 00:28:01,813
Please be seated. Everyone.
Sure.

564
00:28:01,814 --> 00:28:03,013
Please be seated.

565
00:28:05,984 --> 00:28:10,255
Great. So I know that all of you are aware
that the news community is laughing

566
00:28:10,256 --> 00:28:12,357
at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.

567
00:28:12,358 --> 00:28:13,958
But that is why they brought me in.

568
00:28:13,959 --> 00:28:17,896
She's the best!
You see, gentlemen, I don't lose.

569
00:28:17,897 --> 00:28:20,064
Listen, I feel like
I need to clear the air.

570
00:28:20,065 --> 00:28:21,366
Oh, please don't.

571
00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:23,168
I want to say, on behalf
of the entire news team,

572
00:28:23,169 --> 00:28:26,204
we are huge supporters of all

573
00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:27,972
African and Americans.

574
00:28:27,973 --> 00:28:30,475
Veronica got so tan!

575
00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:33,211
I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.

576
00:28:33,212 --> 00:28:35,113
It's African-American.

577
00:28:35,114 --> 00:28:37,148
Are you sure?
Yeah.

578
00:28:37,149 --> 00:28:39,350
Absolutely 100% positive?
It isn't like...

579
00:28:39,351 --> 00:28:40,719
Ron...

580
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,387
Fish and chips?

581
00:28:42,388 --> 00:28:44,889
Hey, we're all the
same on the inside,

582
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,825
stinky and pink.

583
00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:48,193
When I was in high school,
me and my buddies

584
00:28:48,194 --> 00:28:49,894
used to sneak in
the girls' locker room.

585
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:53,098
We'd peek at the girls in the shower,
and I'd look at all of them,

586
00:28:53,099 --> 00:28:54,766
no matter what color they were.

587
00:28:54,767 --> 00:28:56,234
So...

588
00:28:56,235 --> 00:28:59,404
Jesus, this is the worst
meeting I've ever been in.

589
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:02,006
A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.

590
00:29:02,007 --> 00:29:03,842
Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.

591
00:29:03,843 --> 00:29:05,777
I call him Leon.

592
00:29:05,778 --> 00:29:08,045
And if it's a cloudy day,
what happens to Leon?

593
00:29:08,046 --> 00:29:09,013
He goes home.

594
00:29:09,014 --> 00:29:10,982
It's your shadow.
He's talking about his shadow.

595
00:29:10,983 --> 00:29:13,217
Shut your damn mouths!
Sit down!

596
00:29:15,954 --> 00:29:17,388
What's he doing?

597
00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:19,924
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.

598
00:29:19,925 --> 00:29:22,093
Is he all right?

599
00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:24,395
Can you sing him
a soothing siren song?

600
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:25,797
Just a high melodic...

601
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:30,273
I'm not singing along with you.

602
00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:33,171
Oh, come on,
Brick. Brick!

603
00:29:33,172 --> 00:29:34,073
Linda has a balloon.

604
00:29:38,409 --> 00:29:40,078
You better get him a balloon.

605
00:29:40,079 --> 00:29:42,981
Is this for real, Freddie?
Linda, I'm sorry.

606
00:29:42,982 --> 00:29:44,983
No, it's okay!
It's okay.

607
00:29:44,984 --> 00:29:48,353
So you have a black boss, and it's
freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?

608
00:29:48,354 --> 00:29:50,355
A little bit, to be honest.
You freaked out?

609
00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:52,157
Is it freaking you out?
Oh, she's got a knife!

610
00:29:52,158 --> 00:29:54,859
I don't give a shit!

611
00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:56,827
We're not all here to hold
hands and sing <i>Kumbaya.</i>

612
00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:58,496
Black.

613
00:29:58,497 --> 00:30:03,034
So as long as you guys get numbers,
we are gonna get along just fine.

614
00:30:03,035 --> 00:30:06,104
Now, if you don't,
I am gonna be icy.

615
00:30:06,105 --> 00:30:07,438
And unpleasant, you dig?

616
00:30:07,439 --> 00:30:10,575
I dig. We all dig.

617
00:30:10,576 --> 00:30:15,045
I like to dig. One time I went digging
for treasure and I found a half a body.

618
00:30:15,513 --> 00:30:17,582
Get out of my office!

619
00:30:17,583 --> 00:30:19,450
I'm telling you, you can't give

620
00:30:19,451 --> 00:30:21,986
an inch in those situations,

621
00:30:21,987 --> 00:30:23,955
and I think we held our
ground pretty firmly.

622
00:30:23,956 --> 00:30:27,358
Guys. Guys, we got
you an apartment

623
00:30:27,359 --> 00:30:30,295
on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.

624
00:30:30,296 --> 00:30:33,264
That's wonderful! When do
we begin our broadcast?

625
00:30:33,265 --> 00:30:34,532
Well, the big launch is tomorrow

626
00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,601
at 12:00 noon.
Okay.

627
00:30:36,602 --> 00:30:40,572
You guys are slotted for the
2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.

628
00:30:40,573 --> 00:30:44,142
What? That's the graveyard shift!

629
00:30:44,143 --> 00:30:46,244
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

630
00:30:46,245 --> 00:30:48,246
Oh, come on, it's
going to be great.

631
00:30:48,247 --> 00:30:50,114
Let's get your keys.
Come on!

632
00:30:52,484 --> 00:30:55,218
- Is there booze in the apartment?
- Of course there's gonna be...

633
00:31:17,475 --> 00:31:19,477
It won't stop.

634
00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:22,346
Sometimes it stops,
but then it starts again.

635
00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:27,317
What are you doing,
Chani? Answer it!

636
00:31:28,486 --> 00:31:30,520
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.

637
00:31:31,522 --> 00:31:34,192
Your job is to answer the phones.

638
00:31:34,193 --> 00:31:36,527
I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
When is that again?

639
00:31:36,528 --> 00:31:39,262
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?

640
00:31:43,035 --> 00:31:44,735
I'm Brick.
I was dead last week.

641
00:31:45,336 --> 00:31:47,505
I'm Chani.

642
00:31:47,506 --> 00:31:50,408
I like the place between
your head and your body.

643
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:52,075
I like your hair.

644
00:31:53,478 --> 00:31:55,145
It looks like wet popcorn.

645
00:31:55,647 --> 00:31:57,548
Thank you.

646
00:31:57,549 --> 00:32:00,084
Would you like to see the smile that
I use when I pose for photographs?

647
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:00,920
Yes, please.

648
00:32:02,687 --> 00:32:04,289
Do you want to see the face I make

649
00:32:04,290 --> 00:32:06,056
when I see a snake
made out of candy?

650
00:32:06,224 --> 00:32:07,290
Yes.

651
00:32:10,461 --> 00:32:11,528
That's good.

652
00:32:12,630 --> 00:32:14,197
What's your favorite time of day?

653
00:32:14,332 --> 00:32:15,399
Now.

654
00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:18,536
What's your favorite time of day?

655
00:32:18,537 --> 00:32:20,103
A minute ago.

656
00:32:21,172 --> 00:32:22,406
Um...

657
00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,713
Surprise!
Big daddy's back.

658
00:33:01,714 --> 00:33:03,080
Ron.

659
00:33:04,682 --> 00:33:06,551
What are you doing here?

660
00:33:06,552 --> 00:33:09,721
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.

661
00:33:09,722 --> 00:33:12,423
I really wish that you
would have called first.

662
00:33:12,424 --> 00:33:14,459
Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?

663
00:33:14,460 --> 00:33:16,361
I was stubborn.

664
00:33:16,362 --> 00:33:18,463
You were like a mentally ill whore

665
00:33:18,464 --> 00:33:20,732
having PMS from the 1800s.

666
00:33:20,733 --> 00:33:22,700
What's your point, Ron?

667
00:33:22,701 --> 00:33:24,569
The point is

668
00:33:24,570 --> 00:33:27,238
I'm back home.

669
00:33:27,239 --> 00:33:29,307
And I want to spend
the rest of my life...

670
00:33:29,308 --> 00:33:30,674
Honey, who is it?

671
00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:39,182
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary,
Veronica's lover.

672
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:50,728
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?

673
00:33:50,729 --> 00:33:52,729
No, it's not.

674
00:33:54,232 --> 00:33:55,198
It's for Walter.

675
00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,135
Okay.

676
00:33:57,136 --> 00:33:59,137
So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?

677
00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:01,105
Ron. You walked
out on me.

678
00:34:01,106 --> 00:34:04,242
What did you expect me to do?

679
00:34:04,243 --> 00:34:07,612
Ron. This is awkward,
I know.

680
00:34:07,613 --> 00:34:11,282
I'm sitting here with your wife.
We make love.

681
00:34:11,283 --> 00:34:14,052
I'm this close to shooting
a flare gun at your dick.

682
00:34:14,053 --> 00:34:15,686
Oh, Ron!

683
00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:17,789
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?

684
00:34:17,790 --> 00:34:19,357
Have you done a
background check on him?

685
00:34:19,358 --> 00:34:22,660
Gary is actually one
of the most successful

686
00:34:22,661 --> 00:34:25,797
psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
Really sweet.

687
00:34:25,798 --> 00:34:27,532
Are you reading my mind right now?

688
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:30,200
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?

689
00:34:31,402 --> 00:34:32,669
Fuck you.

690
00:34:33,604 --> 00:34:35,273
Ron!

691
00:34:35,274 --> 00:34:36,607
- It's okay.
- You stop that!

692
00:34:36,608 --> 00:34:38,109
He's externalizing. That's okay.

693
00:34:38,110 --> 00:34:40,344
No, it's not okay.
He's mad.

694
00:34:40,345 --> 00:34:44,148
You knew I was going to throw that
punch 'cause you're reading my mind!

695
00:34:44,149 --> 00:34:47,285
Mom! I'm home!

696
00:34:47,286 --> 00:34:48,486
Hey, little guy.
Hey, darling.

697
00:34:48,487 --> 00:34:49,920
Hi, Walter.
Hey, Dad.

698
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,723
I missed you!

699
00:34:52,724 --> 00:34:55,560
Walter, your father
has a gift for you.

700
00:34:55,561 --> 00:34:58,528
I have a gift specifically
for you, Walter.

701
00:34:59,564 --> 00:35:00,631
There you go.

702
00:35:00,632 --> 00:35:01,865
Yes, Gary.

703
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:09,373
Okay, that's actually
for me, Walter.

704
00:35:09,374 --> 00:35:11,509
No, it's not.
It's for Walter.

705
00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:12,709
It's a superhero costume.

706
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,213
What is it?

707
00:35:15,214 --> 00:35:17,582
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.

708
00:35:17,583 --> 00:35:20,218
I'm going to be Lace Man!

709
00:35:20,219 --> 00:35:21,719
Look, Ron.
Joint custody isn't easy.

710
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,321
But what we need to do is

711
00:35:23,322 --> 00:35:26,124
rally around this little
guy right now, okay?

712
00:35:26,125 --> 00:35:27,525
That's never gonna happen.

713
00:35:27,526 --> 00:35:29,460
Oh...
Excuse me?

714
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,462
Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!

715
00:35:31,463 --> 00:35:32,797
Need I remind you

716
00:35:32,798 --> 00:35:35,533
that you took that
child to a cock fight?

717
00:35:35,534 --> 00:35:38,703
I'm Lace Man!
The game of champions!
He had the time of his life!

718
00:35:38,704 --> 00:35:40,605
He came home splattered in blood!

719
00:35:40,606 --> 00:35:43,608
He picked eight winning cocks.
It's never been done!

720
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:46,176
You have never tried
to connect with Walter.

721
00:35:47,179 --> 00:35:49,213
All right, let's keep it
civil in front of the boy.

722
00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:53,484
It's bad enough his mother likes
to go down on rodeo clowns.

723
00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:54,785
Okay, you know what, out!
All right. Get your things! Let's go.

724
00:35:54,786 --> 00:35:56,254
Fine. I'm out of here.

725
00:35:56,255 --> 00:35:57,922
Don't have to tell me twice.
Get your things.

726
00:35:57,923 --> 00:36:00,625
We'll see you guys later.
Yes, you will.

727
00:36:00,626 --> 00:36:03,361
Goodbye, Dad!
Thanks for the present.

728
00:36:03,362 --> 00:36:06,564
Goodbye, Walter, my little man.

729
00:36:06,565 --> 00:36:08,398
You promise to do
good in school, okay?

730
00:36:09,433 --> 00:36:10,902
Okay.
And stay away from the he-shes

731
00:36:10,903 --> 00:36:12,336
Ron!
Down in the Bowery.

732
00:36:12,337 --> 00:36:14,305
Ron, I don't think
that's appropriate.

733
00:36:14,306 --> 00:36:16,274
I'll tell you, those fellas,

734
00:36:16,275 --> 00:36:19,576
they got the looks, they got the
curves, they got the chi-chi's,

735
00:36:20,745 --> 00:36:22,647
and then at some point
during the evening,

736
00:36:22,648 --> 00:36:25,816
you reach down below the belt
looking to get a little muffellita,

737
00:36:25,817 --> 00:36:29,287
and you get a handful
of the Battle of the Bulge.

738
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:32,256
You hear what I'm saying, Walter?
Yes, I do.

739
00:36:32,257 --> 00:36:35,525
Ron, it was nice meeting you. I
think it's time for you to go.

740
00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:37,494
Oh, Ron!

741
00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,464
You knew!

742
00:36:40,465 --> 00:36:43,226
You anticipated that because you're
reading my mind! That confirms it!

743
00:36:50,841 --> 00:36:53,311
There's Lime!

744
00:36:53,312 --> 00:36:56,881
Look at him.
He's a goddamn prince!

745
00:36:56,882 --> 00:36:59,650
Man, there's just something
about him, you know?

746
00:36:59,651 --> 00:37:02,253
I'd give anything
to be friends with him.

747
00:37:02,254 --> 00:37:03,988
I don't see what the
big deal is, you know.

748
00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,388
He's not that great.

749
00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:08,558
What did you say?

750
00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:10,795
What's that?

751
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:12,062
I heard you say something.

752
00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:13,831
Oh.

753
00:37:13,832 --> 00:37:16,534
Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.

754
00:37:16,535 --> 00:37:18,236
Oh, no. I heard
you say something.

755
00:37:18,237 --> 00:37:20,671
He said you're not that great!
Brick!

756
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,740
Is that what you said about me?

757
00:37:22,741 --> 00:37:24,542
He's coming over here.
I know!

758
00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:25,942
I'm gonna rip this guy in half.

759
00:37:27,278 --> 00:37:29,680
No, no, no!
Just give me a little piece of him.

760
00:37:29,681 --> 00:37:31,849
Uh, Jack, look, it's just...

761
00:37:31,850 --> 00:37:34,352
The guys look up to
you so much, and

762
00:37:34,353 --> 00:37:36,553
I just was a little jealous.
I just said some junk.

763
00:37:37,555 --> 00:37:38,856
That's funny.

764
00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:40,690
Aren't you the guy who

765
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:43,960
lost his job to his wife?

766
00:37:44,462 --> 00:37:45,795
Ooh!

767
00:37:46,897 --> 00:37:48,365
Shouldn't you be
doing her makeup?

768
00:37:53,771 --> 00:37:55,306
All right, guys, that's enough.

769
00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:56,874
No, shut up, Freddie!

770
00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:59,543
And you can shut your
mouth, okay, Jack "Lame!"

771
00:37:59,544 --> 00:38:01,945
- Ooh.
- Ooh!

772
00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:07,485
Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's
got some fight in him.

773
00:38:07,486 --> 00:38:09,720
You listen to this one,

774
00:38:09,721 --> 00:38:11,388
big fella.
Yeah.

775
00:38:12,890 --> 00:38:16,025
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.

776
00:38:18,697 --> 00:38:20,898
I'm sorry. I'm trying
to keep it together.

777
00:38:20,899 --> 00:38:22,667
No, no, no.
Don't do this. Don't do this.

778
00:38:22,668 --> 00:38:24,001
You're on at 2:00 a.m.

779
00:38:24,002 --> 00:38:25,736
Jack has prime time!

780
00:38:25,737 --> 00:38:28,138
Maybe... No.
Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.

781
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:32,543
I'll take that bet.
What are the stakes?

782
00:38:32,544 --> 00:38:34,944
If we lose, I'll leave New York.

783
00:38:36,380 --> 00:38:38,649
And I'll never
read the news again.

784
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,652
And if by some snowball's
chance in hell

785
00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:44,722
Mr. Mustache here pulls a
miracle out of his ass?

786
00:38:46,558 --> 00:38:51,362
You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.

787
00:38:51,363 --> 00:38:54,732
I like this!
You're on, Stretch.

788
00:38:54,733 --> 00:38:56,600
Everyone heard him?

789
00:38:56,601 --> 00:38:58,341
Freddie, you heard him?
Yeah. I heard him.

790
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,937
- This is on like Pong.
- Okay. Good.

791
00:39:06,610 --> 00:39:08,713
Why? Why did you
make that bet, Ron?

792
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:10,014
We've got the graveyard shift!

793
00:39:10,015 --> 00:39:11,036
We don't have a chance!

794
00:39:11,549 --> 00:39:13,417
Hey, guy!
Ah!

795
00:39:13,418 --> 00:39:15,619
This ain't local news anymore.

796
00:39:15,620 --> 00:39:16,820
We shit standing up here.

797
00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:18,054
What?

798
00:39:20,391 --> 00:39:23,059
It's a huge mess,
but damn, is it cool!

799
00:39:23,994 --> 00:39:25,175
All right, everyone!

800
00:39:25,763 --> 00:39:27,530
Ladies and gentlemen,

801
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,668
today wouldn't be possible

802
00:39:30,669 --> 00:39:33,670
without the visionary behind GNN.

803
00:39:34,405 --> 00:39:36,607
Mr. Kench Allenby!

804
00:39:36,608 --> 00:39:38,208
Yeah, yeah!

805
00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:41,077
Thank you.

806
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,300
All right, cheer.

807
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:49,520
I am jabbered, just jabbered,
full of beans, no doubt.

808
00:39:49,521 --> 00:39:51,489
Does anyone else
speak Australian?

809
00:39:51,490 --> 00:39:53,491
I thought they talked like us.

810
00:39:53,492 --> 00:39:56,427
Can I get you to say
with me, haw-ba-ya-ya!

811
00:39:58,697 --> 00:40:00,865
We can't quite understand you.

812
00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:04,068
How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.

813
00:40:04,069 --> 00:40:05,936
Oh, yes.There we go! Thank you so much.
That's good.

814
00:40:05,937 --> 00:40:09,006
I'm Kench Allenby
and you all know my story.

815
00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:10,775
I'm a self-made man.

816
00:40:10,776 --> 00:40:13,611
My late, great father,
Vadge Allenby,

817
00:40:13,612 --> 00:40:15,146
gave me 300 million dollars,

818
00:40:15,147 --> 00:40:17,848
and I toiled my whole bloody life

819
00:40:17,849 --> 00:40:20,451
to turn that into
305 million dollars.

820
00:40:20,452 --> 00:40:21,918
True story. True story.

821
00:40:22,186 --> 00:40:24,488
Wow.

822
00:40:24,489 --> 00:40:26,624
But this is 24-hour
news station...

823
00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:28,626
This is history.

824
00:40:28,627 --> 00:40:32,096
This is like Columbus discovering
the New World. And the captain

825
00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:36,866
of this fantastic voyage is the best
newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!

826
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:41,539
Go get 'em, Jack!
Go get 'em!

827
00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:43,606
Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.

828
00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:45,810
Ooh.

829
00:40:45,811 --> 00:40:47,191
Getting nervous there, <i>compadre?</i>

830
00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:50,181
Let's do this.

831
00:40:50,182 --> 00:40:52,516
Did you see that? How he spun
on that desk? So great.

832
00:40:52,517 --> 00:40:54,097
All right. Quiet on
the floor, please.

833
00:40:55,019 --> 00:40:56,754
All right.

834
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:58,222
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.

835
00:40:58,223 --> 00:40:59,889
In five, four,

836
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:01,891
three, two...

837
00:41:03,894 --> 00:41:06,897
Good day, and welcome to GNN.

838
00:41:06,898 --> 00:41:11,202
Thank you for joining us on what we
believe to be a whole new era of news.

839
00:41:11,203 --> 00:41:15,072
I'm Jack Lime, your guide for this
journey of events we humbly call

840
00:41:15,073 --> 00:41:16,841
24-hour news.

841
00:41:16,842 --> 00:41:18,976
<i>Today's top story,
Mount St. Helens.</i>

842
00:41:18,977 --> 00:41:21,745
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.

843
00:41:21,746 --> 00:41:23,581
We better hope so.

844
00:41:23,582 --> 00:41:24,949
<i>Residents are being asked</i>
<i>to evacuate the area...</i>

845
00:41:24,950 --> 00:41:29,653
Twenty-four hours of news. How are they
gonna keep coming up with this stuff?

846
00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:33,157
My guess is they'll probably be
scraping the bottom of the barrel.

847
00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,826
No, I have a feeling they'll
stick with their integrity

848
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:38,061
and only report the news
that needs to be reported.

849
00:41:38,762 --> 00:41:40,064
Let's see here.

850
00:41:40,065 --> 00:41:41,699
"Global temperatures
rise half a degree,

851
00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:44,902
"alarm climate
scientists." Boring.

852
00:41:44,903 --> 00:41:47,323
"China could dominate the world
economy in the next decade."

853
00:41:48,205 --> 00:41:49,907
<i>♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-</i>
<i>dun-dun, dun-dun ♪</i>

854
00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:51,175
Nope.

855
00:41:51,176 --> 00:41:52,943
Anyone else?

856
00:41:52,944 --> 00:41:54,611
What if we show a porno
instead of the news?

857
00:41:54,612 --> 00:41:55,579
Freddie?

858
00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:58,282
No. Absolutely not.

859
00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:00,818
I know. What if we get one
of those wildlife handlers?

860
00:42:00,819 --> 00:42:04,188
We have him bring in,
oh, big game cats.

861
00:42:04,189 --> 00:42:08,692
You know, wild, dangerous tigers and
lions and leopards and the such.

862
00:42:08,693 --> 00:42:12,263
We let them loose inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.

863
00:42:12,264 --> 00:42:15,933
We play rock music.
And we just call it <i>Let Her Rip.</i>

864
00:42:15,934 --> 00:42:17,768
I'd watch that.
I'd watch that.

865
00:42:17,769 --> 00:42:19,803
<i>Let Her Rip?</i>

866
00:42:19,804 --> 00:42:23,073
You're describing the end of civilization.
That's not news!

867
00:42:23,074 --> 00:42:24,909
If that's the end
of times, I'm...

868
00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:28,045
I got a front-row seat with a
big tub of buttered popcorn

869
00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:31,549
and a greasy
half-live chicken leg.

870
00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:33,617
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.

871
00:42:33,618 --> 00:42:37,021
Freddie! Come on! We're
just brainstorming here.

872
00:42:37,022 --> 00:42:39,290
We're trying to figure out how
to make the news less boring,

873
00:42:39,291 --> 00:42:41,759
and you act like we peed
in your milkshake.

874
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,827
The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!

875
00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,963
This is serious stuff.

876
00:42:45,964 --> 00:42:48,666
You're the one that
made this stupid bet!

877
00:42:48,667 --> 00:42:51,669
I just don't know why we
have to tell the people

878
00:42:51,670 --> 00:42:54,238
what they need to hear.

879
00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:56,299
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

880
00:42:57,007 --> 00:42:58,741
Wait, wait, wait.

881
00:43:00,210 --> 00:43:02,112
Say that again.

882
00:43:02,113 --> 00:43:05,049
I said, why do we have
to tell the people

883
00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:08,052
what they need to hear?

884
00:43:08,053 --> 00:43:10,054
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

885
00:43:10,055 --> 00:43:12,356
And what do they
want to hear, Ron?

886
00:43:12,357 --> 00:43:14,991
That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.

887
00:43:15,859 --> 00:43:18,662
Damn straight!
Made him happy.

888
00:43:18,663 --> 00:43:20,998
And we should
do stories on patriots.

889
00:43:20,999 --> 00:43:24,001
Cute, funny little
animals, huh? Or diets.

890
00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:27,271
Why blondes have more fun.

891
00:43:27,272 --> 00:43:29,306
And serious investigative pieces,

892
00:43:29,307 --> 00:43:32,009
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.

893
00:43:32,010 --> 00:43:34,278
And only the best
sports highlights.

894
00:43:34,279 --> 00:43:37,648
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.

895
00:43:37,649 --> 00:43:39,149
I like the wind!

896
00:43:39,150 --> 00:43:41,251
Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.

897
00:43:41,252 --> 00:43:44,688
Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we'll
throw Brick right in the middle of it.

898
00:43:44,689 --> 00:43:45,455
You'd do that?

899
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,359
People'll go nuts.
I'd watch that!

900
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:51,629
No, this goes against every rule

901
00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:54,398
of broadcast journalism I know.

902
00:43:54,399 --> 00:43:57,835
Freddie, as the
wise man once said,

903
00:43:57,836 --> 00:43:59,035
"So?"

904
00:43:59,903 --> 00:44:01,739
We got 10 hours till we go on.

905
00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:02,905
We'll only need eight!

906
00:44:10,948 --> 00:44:12,782
<i>♪ Lady</i>

907
00:44:14,351 --> 00:44:17,220
<i>♪ I'm your knight</i>
<i>in shining armor</i>

908
00:44:17,855 --> 00:44:19,789
<i>♪ And I love you</i>

909
00:44:21,258 --> 00:44:25,094
<i>♪ You have made me what I am</i>

910
00:44:26,096 --> 00:44:29,099
<i>♪ And I am yours</i>

911
00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:35,972
<i>♪ My love...</i>

912
00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:41,244
Is that candy?
I don't know.

913
00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,518
It is candy.

914
00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:52,188
I like you.
I like you.

915
00:44:53,290 --> 00:44:55,959
Tell me something about you.

916
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,096
Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.

917
00:44:59,097 --> 00:45:00,731
I can always guess
how many jelly beans

918
00:45:00,732 --> 00:45:02,466
are in a jelly bean jar,

919
00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:04,134
even if it's not right.

920
00:45:04,135 --> 00:45:06,036
What about you?

921
00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:08,338
My name is Chani Lastname.

922
00:45:08,339 --> 00:45:11,442
I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.

923
00:45:11,443 --> 00:45:15,344
I can type 50 words a minute
with only 300 errors.

924
00:45:16,246 --> 00:45:18,782
I'm trained and certified...

925
00:45:18,783 --> 00:45:21,050
To fire a military-grade
missile launcher.

926
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:22,050
Me, too.

927
00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,723
Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.

928
00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:27,357
You mailed them to me?

929
00:45:27,358 --> 00:45:29,493
How else was I gonna
get them to you?

930
00:45:29,494 --> 00:45:31,095
You hand them to me.

931
00:45:31,096 --> 00:45:32,996
Oh.

932
00:45:32,997 --> 00:45:35,232
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,

933
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,367
and that's not an exaggeration.

934
00:45:37,368 --> 00:45:38,902
That makes me feel bad.

935
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,904
Well, it's the truth, Chani.

936
00:45:40,905 --> 00:45:43,073
You!

937
00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:45,508
- Leave her alone!
- Excuse me, sir.

938
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:50,447
Get your filthy hands off of her!

939
00:45:50,448 --> 00:45:51,782
Help, help!

940
00:45:51,783 --> 00:45:53,117
Excuse me, sir!

941
00:45:53,118 --> 00:45:55,252
Leave me alone, lady!
Excuse me!

942
00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:58,122
She is a goddess among women!

943
00:46:00,791 --> 00:46:01,991
Glen!

944
00:46:02,459 --> 00:46:04,261
My phone messages!

945
00:46:04,262 --> 00:46:06,363
Leave him alone!

946
00:46:06,364 --> 00:46:07,463
Not today!

947
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:10,901
She has butterflies in her heart!

948
00:46:10,902 --> 00:46:14,037
Chani! I can see you behind
that desk, and you're fired!

949
00:46:14,038 --> 00:46:15,305
Why?

950
00:46:24,214 --> 00:46:25,615
Are you okay?

951
00:46:26,350 --> 00:46:28,986
You saved my life.

952
00:46:28,987 --> 00:46:31,188
She was trying to set me on fire.

953
00:46:31,189 --> 00:46:33,490
I didn't ask for these powers.

954
00:46:33,491 --> 00:46:34,991
I was given them.

955
00:46:35,225 --> 00:46:36,492
Last night

956
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,830
a bird chased me,

957
00:46:39,831 --> 00:46:41,497
and I wished it was you.

958
00:46:42,566 --> 00:46:44,301
Can we go to a date?

959
00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:46,002
Yes.

960
00:47:00,517 --> 00:47:04,188
Dear God, please help
me pull this off.

961
00:47:04,189 --> 00:47:08,458
I swear, if you help me, I will...
I will become a monk.

962
00:47:08,459 --> 00:47:11,429
I will shave my head
and become a monk...

963
00:47:11,530 --> 00:47:14,364
Ah, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to do that.

964
00:47:14,365 --> 00:47:18,101
Oh, did you hear? Evan said there's
some strange copy in the prompter.

965
00:47:18,102 --> 00:47:19,603
It's 2:00 a.m.

966
00:47:19,604 --> 00:47:22,005
It's Freddie Shapp's ass,
not mine. Let's go.

967
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:25,241
<i>People who change history are
rarely aware of it while doing so.</i>

968
00:47:26,310 --> 00:47:28,445
<i>Ron and his news
team simply thought</i>

969
00:47:28,446 --> 00:47:31,615
<i>they were making
the news more fun.</i>

970
00:47:31,616 --> 00:47:33,550
<i>Little did they know
they were changing</i>

971
00:47:33,551 --> 00:47:36,987
<i>the course of broadcast
history forever.</i>

972
00:47:36,988 --> 00:47:40,224
Hello, America.
It's 2:00 a.m. Eastern time.

973
00:47:40,225 --> 00:47:43,559
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is

974
00:47:43,894 --> 00:47:45,963
America.

975
00:47:45,964 --> 00:47:47,631
She's the greatest
country in the world.

976
00:47:47,632 --> 00:47:49,399
<i>Heck, the history of the world!</i>

977
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,399
You're damn right!

978
00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:56,072
<i>Too much of the news is about
what's wrong with America.</i>

979
00:47:56,073 --> 00:47:57,241
Amen, brother!

980
00:47:57,242 --> 00:48:00,444
Well, tonight, our top story
is what's right with America.

981
00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:02,613
Someone's finally
talking sense on the TV.

982
00:48:02,614 --> 00:48:05,148
For starters, we kick butt.

983
00:48:05,149 --> 00:48:07,517
Nazi butt. Russian butt.

984
00:48:07,518 --> 00:48:10,888
What the hell is he doing?
He's talking about America.

985
00:48:10,889 --> 00:48:12,389
Why, do you have
a problem with that?

986
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:15,158
Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series

987
00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:18,195
on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.

988
00:48:18,196 --> 00:48:19,630
<i>This series will be</i>
<i>a tasteful look</i>

989
00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:22,633
<i>at just what makes a vagina tick,</i>

990
00:48:22,634 --> 00:48:24,935
<i>as well as a look</i>
<i>at the 50 greatest vaginas</i>

991
00:48:24,936 --> 00:48:26,403
<i>of the 20th century.</i>

992
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,306
Son of a bitch!

993
00:48:29,307 --> 00:48:31,174
<i>One final question,</i>
<i>and I'll let you go.</i>

994
00:48:31,175 --> 00:48:34,144
Who tops the list of the
top 50 greatest vaginas?

995
00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:36,313
Well, I don't want
to give anything away.

996
00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:38,515
I thought I had you.

997
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:40,250
I will give you number two.

998
00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:41,451
Please.
Madame Curie.

999
00:48:41,452 --> 00:48:43,119
Of course. Of course.

1000
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:44,955
Whammy! Whammy!

1001
00:48:44,956 --> 00:48:46,690
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

1002
00:48:46,691 --> 00:48:48,524
Whammy!

1003
00:48:54,231 --> 00:48:55,432
<i>Whammy!</i>

1004
00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:56,967
Back to you, Ron.

1005
00:48:56,968 --> 00:48:59,937
The wind is really windy.

1006
00:48:59,938 --> 00:49:02,239
Brick? Brick,
can you hear me?

1007
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:04,308
I can't hear you, Ron!

1008
00:49:04,309 --> 00:49:06,476
Okay, but you're
answering the question,

1009
00:49:06,477 --> 00:49:07,711
so I think you can hear me.

1010
00:49:07,712 --> 00:49:09,279
No, I can!

1011
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,148
Brick, do you think
there is any danger

1012
00:49:11,149 --> 00:49:12,582
to the average person out there?

1013
00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,585
<i>I'm afraid for the animals</i>
<i>of New York, Ron.</i>

1014
00:49:15,586 --> 00:49:20,223
I saw a woman, and her dog
never touched the ground.

1015
00:49:20,224 --> 00:49:24,027
You're saying wind gusts as
fast as a supersonic jet?

1016
00:49:24,028 --> 00:49:25,848
It looked like she was
walking a dog balloon.

1017
00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:28,498
And go... Switch.

1018
00:49:28,499 --> 00:49:31,702
And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,

1019
00:49:31,703 --> 00:49:34,438
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,

1020
00:49:34,439 --> 00:49:37,540
have found the cutest little
patriot <i>on God's green earth.</i>

1021
00:49:41,278 --> 00:49:42,611
Look at that little guy!

1022
00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,515
Oh, wow, he was having some fun.

1023
00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,253
Well, for all of us here at GNN,

1024
00:49:50,254 --> 00:49:52,289
I'm Ron Burgundy.

1025
00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:54,358
And don't just
have a great night,

1026
00:49:54,359 --> 00:49:56,325
have an American night.

1027
00:49:59,529 --> 00:50:01,064
And we're out!

1028
00:50:01,065 --> 00:50:02,698
Wow!

1029
00:50:03,533 --> 00:50:05,302
I couldn't take my eyes

1030
00:50:05,303 --> 00:50:07,270
off the screen!
Yes.

1031
00:50:07,271 --> 00:50:09,573
You were electric,
Ron! Whammy!

1032
00:50:09,574 --> 00:50:11,241
That just felt right!
That felt right!

1033
00:50:11,242 --> 00:50:12,709
I was outside!

1034
00:50:12,710 --> 00:50:15,145
You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.

1035
00:50:15,146 --> 00:50:16,780
Amazing. Great job.

1036
00:50:16,781 --> 00:50:21,118
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?

1037
00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:24,087
Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.
We were just trying something new.

1038
00:50:24,088 --> 00:50:27,290
You changed the format of the entire show
without consulting me? That's unacceptable!

1039
00:50:27,291 --> 00:50:30,761
Damn straight, sister. We just
done went and brought it!

1040
00:50:30,762 --> 00:50:33,363
And here's the truth.
You can't handle it, little mama!

1041
00:50:33,364 --> 00:50:36,433
Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.

1042
00:50:36,434 --> 00:50:38,268
If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.

1043
00:50:38,269 --> 00:50:41,204
Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!

1044
00:50:41,205 --> 00:50:42,838
Take a swing!
Take your best shot!

1045
00:50:43,673 --> 00:50:47,344
I have five brothers, and two of them are
defensive backs in the NFL, so come on!

1046
00:50:47,345 --> 00:50:49,179
You want me to do it?
Yeah.

1047
00:50:49,180 --> 00:50:50,580
This thing's not gonna feel good.

1048
00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:51,648
Do it, Ron.
Just do it.

1049
00:50:51,649 --> 00:50:54,084
Are you scared? What's the problem?

1050
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:56,153
Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?

1051
00:50:59,256 --> 00:51:00,724
I'm not a chicken at all.

1052
00:51:00,725 --> 00:51:03,192
I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody.

1053
00:51:04,528 --> 00:51:06,496
Well...

1054
00:51:06,497 --> 00:51:08,131
Seems like you're
buying time, Ron.

1055
00:51:08,132 --> 00:51:09,699
I'm not buying time.

1056
00:51:09,700 --> 00:51:12,069
Ron! Just do what men
have been doing

1057
00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:15,105
for thousands of years,
and punch the woman.

1058
00:51:15,106 --> 00:51:16,239
Punch her!
You're stalling.

1059
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,674
Punch the woman!

1060
00:51:17,675 --> 00:51:20,276
Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!

1061
00:51:23,814 --> 00:51:25,381
Ron! No!

1062
00:51:27,552 --> 00:51:29,252
I didn't do it!

1063
00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:33,856
Mama, your baby's hurt.

1064
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:36,293
Your baby.

1065
00:51:38,096 --> 00:51:40,363
What is that sound
you're making? Good Lord!

1066
00:51:42,233 --> 00:51:44,434
You sound like a balloon.

1067
00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,802
Pull yourself together, man.

1068
00:51:45,803 --> 00:51:47,337
Security!

1069
00:51:47,338 --> 00:51:49,406
They saw my pee-pee.

1070
00:51:49,407 --> 00:51:52,576
The eighth grade boys
saw my pee-pee!

1071
00:51:52,577 --> 00:51:54,544
Did you say they
saw your pee-pee?

1072
00:51:54,545 --> 00:51:57,314
In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.

1073
00:51:57,315 --> 00:51:59,349
You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.

1074
00:51:59,350 --> 00:52:00,416
Get him out of here!

1075
00:52:02,419 --> 00:52:04,421
<i>Bugger me with a didgeridoo.</i>

1076
00:52:04,422 --> 00:52:06,223
We knew we'd struggle to start,

1077
00:52:06,224 --> 00:52:08,658
but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.

1078
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:10,460
Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

1079
00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,496
It really saved our whole launch.

1080
00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:14,463
Spike? What are
you talking about?

1081
00:52:14,798 --> 00:52:16,399
What spike?

1082
00:52:16,400 --> 00:52:18,502
Burgundy.
Who's Ron Burgundy?

1083
00:52:18,503 --> 00:52:20,436
No, no, no, this can't be right.

1084
00:52:21,738 --> 00:52:23,907
His team start at a .2,

1085
00:52:23,908 --> 00:52:26,776
and then they
finish at a 5.6?

1086
00:52:26,777 --> 00:52:30,213
That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

1087
00:52:30,214 --> 00:52:33,483
How is that even possible?
Who are these guys?

1088
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,684
They're a local team
out of San Diego.

1089
00:52:36,219 --> 00:52:37,654
You little beauty!

1090
00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:39,321
Well, they no longer work for us.

1091
00:52:41,525 --> 00:52:43,226
I fired them.

1092
00:52:43,227 --> 00:52:45,695
Well, guys,
it goes without saying

1093
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:48,632
I owe you gentlemen an apology.

1094
00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:51,201
I dragged you out here
and this thing

1095
00:52:51,202 --> 00:52:53,670
was a disaster
from the word "go."

1096
00:52:53,671 --> 00:52:56,206
No, Ron, don't you
beat yourself up.

1097
00:52:56,207 --> 00:52:57,573
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

1098
00:52:57,641 --> 00:52:58,841
Gin.

1099
00:53:00,544 --> 00:53:02,512
Brian, any idea
what you might do next?

1100
00:53:02,513 --> 00:53:04,214
Gonna head back to L.A.

1101
00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:05,849
I got a good group
of buddies out there.

1102
00:53:05,850 --> 00:53:08,451
O.J. Simpson. Phil
Spector. Robert Blake.

1103
00:53:08,452 --> 00:53:10,287
Sounds like a fun crew.

1104
00:53:10,288 --> 00:53:12,255
We go out cruising chicks.

1105
00:53:12,256 --> 00:53:14,357
Call ourselves
the "Ladykillers."

1106
00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:16,426
I love that name. You should get it
on the back of matching jackets.

1107
00:53:16,427 --> 00:53:17,794
That's not a bad idea.

1108
00:53:21,231 --> 00:53:22,898
Uh, guys?

1109
00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:26,403
Hey.

1110
00:53:26,404 --> 00:53:28,638
I got some news.

1111
00:53:28,639 --> 00:53:30,273
Freddie, we don't
exactly want to hear

1112
00:53:30,274 --> 00:53:32,842
- the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.

1113
00:53:32,843 --> 00:53:35,911
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.

1114
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,415
Forget that GNN wants you back.

1115
00:53:40,483 --> 00:53:45,288
For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.

1116
00:53:45,289 --> 00:53:48,258
Quit yanking our penises,
Freddie! What's the deal?

1117
00:53:48,259 --> 00:53:50,460
Yeah! Quit yanking
our anuses.

1118
00:53:50,461 --> 00:53:52,561
No. I'm not yanking your...

1119
00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:57,267
Your ratings went
through the roof.

1120
00:53:57,268 --> 00:53:59,702
People love what you did.

1121
00:54:00,470 --> 00:54:02,739
You're a success!

1122
00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:07,042
Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!

1123
00:54:07,877 --> 00:54:10,012
By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!

1124
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:11,915
It's total crap

1125
00:54:11,916 --> 00:54:14,451
and they can't stop watching!

1126
00:54:14,452 --> 00:54:17,254
<i>The news team</i>
<i>had been famous in San Diego,</i>

1127
00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:19,855
<i>but that was small time</i>
<i>compared to New York.</i>

1128
00:54:20,757 --> 00:54:23,026
<i>This fame was a rocket ship.</i>

1129
00:54:23,027 --> 00:54:24,894
<i>A rocket ship</i>
<i>that had free drinks</i>

1130
00:54:24,895 --> 00:54:27,664
<i>and topless stewardesses.</i>

1131
00:54:27,665 --> 00:54:29,866
That'll do it for all
of us here at GNN.

1132
00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:33,003
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.

1133
00:54:33,004 --> 00:54:34,503
I'm Jack...

1134
00:54:37,607 --> 00:54:38,741
...Lame.

1135
00:54:42,879 --> 00:54:44,981
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

1136
00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,416
More graphics, all right?

1137
00:54:46,417 --> 00:54:48,051
But there's already a lot.

1138
00:54:48,052 --> 00:54:50,787
Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.

1139
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,456
Let a citizen ask a question
here, for God's sake!

1140
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:56,493
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for half a second?

1141
00:54:59,062 --> 00:55:00,797
This is against everything

1142
00:55:00,798 --> 00:55:02,866
that I have worked
for my entire life.

1143
00:55:02,867 --> 00:55:04,467
Oh, honey, come on.

1144
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,994
If you're like me,
you need an underwear

1145
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:33,029
that fits your active lifestyle.

1146
00:55:33,030 --> 00:55:35,799
<i>At finer specialty
and department stores.</i>

1147
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,668
<i>I'm weatherman Brick
Tamland, and I like butter.</i>

1148
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:42,438
<i>Butter is nutritious</i>
<i>and it tastes great.</i>

1149
00:55:42,939 --> 00:55:44,080
<i>Butter!</i>

1150
00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:49,512
There's something new
on the New York social scene.

1151
00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:51,948
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much

1152
00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:54,084
as a soda pop
at the local drugstore.

1153
00:55:54,085 --> 00:55:55,752
Here's Brian Fantana

1154
00:55:55,753 --> 00:55:57,987
on why everyone who is someone

1155
00:55:57,988 --> 00:56:00,590
is lighting up to smoke crack.

1156
00:56:00,591 --> 00:56:02,992
Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack

1157
00:56:02,993 --> 00:56:04,794
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.

1158
00:56:04,795 --> 00:56:07,830
What is that? Did you know
they were gonna have that?

1159
00:56:07,831 --> 00:56:09,399
No.

1160
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:12,836
Now, what you're gonna do is, you're
gonna put your rock in the pipe.

1161
00:56:12,837 --> 00:56:15,037
Is that where the phrase "Put it in
your pipe and smoke it" comes from?

1162
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:16,506
I don't care.

1163
00:56:16,507 --> 00:56:18,287
I love it when you do
cooking segments.

1164
00:56:21,111 --> 00:56:22,846
Oh! Oh, whoa!

1165
00:56:22,847 --> 00:56:24,814
You feel that right away.

1166
00:56:24,815 --> 00:56:27,784
Wow, that's good. That's good. That's
an immediate state of euphoria.

1167
00:56:27,785 --> 00:56:31,554
You'll be surprised.
The effect, it happens very... Ohh!

1168
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,590
It's just refreshing.

1169
00:56:33,591 --> 00:56:35,759
They're actually enjoying it.

1170
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:37,526
Of course they're
enjoying it. It's crack.

1171
00:56:40,430 --> 00:56:41,998
Well, now we know, guys,

1172
00:56:41,999 --> 00:56:44,401
you can't smoke crack
on live television.

1173
00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,414
Hey, gang.

1174
00:56:57,415 --> 00:56:59,448
You know what would make
this great day even better?

1175
00:56:59,449 --> 00:57:02,118
What?
Perms for everyone!

1176
00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:03,151
Yay!

1177
00:57:15,465 --> 00:57:16,965
Please come in and shut the door.

1178
00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:24,140
If this is about sweeps, um,

1179
00:57:24,141 --> 00:57:26,910
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.

1180
00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:29,512
It's about airplane parts

1181
00:57:29,513 --> 00:57:32,849
that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky

1182
00:57:32,850 --> 00:57:34,451
and hitting the ground, people.

1183
00:57:34,452 --> 00:57:36,453
We're calling it "Death From Above."
We might do some...

1184
00:57:36,454 --> 00:57:38,386
You. Come here.

1185
00:57:43,126 --> 00:57:46,229
I've been watching you.
You have?

1186
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:49,932
I've been watching you a lot.

1187
00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,503
And you just do
whatever you want.

1188
00:57:53,504 --> 00:57:55,905
Well, I'm a bit
of a maverick, I guess.

1189
00:57:55,906 --> 00:57:57,807
You don't follow the format.

1190
00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,908
You pretty much
walk around like...

1191
00:58:00,944 --> 00:58:02,779
Like you're king of the world.

1192
00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:05,047
I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.

1193
00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:07,616
You know what?
What?

1194
00:58:07,917 --> 00:58:08,951
Oh!

1195
00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:14,791
I find it hot as shit!

1196
00:58:14,792 --> 00:58:16,759
Are you going to hurt me?

1197
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:18,661
Here's the thing,
Mr. Burgundy.

1198
00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:21,664
You're a shooting star and
I want to go for a ride.

1199
00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:25,134
God, I'm so afraid right now.
Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.

1200
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,708
Now, I want you to bark like a dog.

1201
00:58:31,709 --> 00:58:34,177
Bark. Bark. Bark!

1202
00:58:34,178 --> 00:58:35,712
Like a puppy. Like a puppy.

1203
00:58:41,085 --> 00:58:42,719
Yeah. Come on! Do it!

1204
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,653
Mmm.

1205
00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:46,256
Aw.

1206
00:58:46,257 --> 00:58:47,891
Don't cry.

1207
00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:51,528
It's sexual and yet frightening.

1208
00:58:51,529 --> 00:58:53,029
It's an odd mixture.

1209
00:58:53,663 --> 00:58:54,730
Um, come in.

1210
00:58:55,732 --> 00:58:57,033
Uh, Linda.

1211
00:58:57,034 --> 00:58:58,934
Excuse me, Linda.

1212
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,938
Ron, Jack wants to know

1213
00:59:01,939 --> 00:59:03,806
if he can go back to
calling himself Jack Lime

1214
00:59:03,807 --> 00:59:05,275
instead of Jack Lame.

1215
00:59:05,276 --> 00:59:06,843
He's really struggling with it.

1216
00:59:06,844 --> 00:59:09,245
No. Can't.
It's a bet.

1217
00:59:09,246 --> 00:59:11,214
Oh, Jesus!

1218
00:59:11,215 --> 00:59:12,681
If you want to
change it, you can.

1219
00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:14,217
Like what?

1220
00:59:14,218 --> 00:59:15,852
Art Areola.

1221
00:59:15,853 --> 00:59:18,254
No! No, that's worse!
You know it's worse!

1222
00:59:18,255 --> 00:59:20,590
How about this one?
You can call yourself Dick Fuck.

1223
00:59:20,591 --> 00:59:22,992
Spell it P-H-U-C.

1224
00:59:22,993 --> 00:59:24,827
You'll be huge
in the Vietnamese community.

1225
00:59:24,828 --> 00:59:28,864
Freddie, I can't. Listen to me, Burgundy.
This is far from over, do you hear me?

1226
00:59:29,899 --> 00:59:31,767
I'll see you on the playground.

1227
00:59:34,804 --> 00:59:36,104
Well.

1228
00:59:37,607 --> 00:59:39,007
This, uh,

1229
00:59:39,676 --> 00:59:41,209
meeting has been

1230
00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:43,780
very productive.

1231
00:59:43,781 --> 00:59:46,249
You can pick
me up at 8:00.

1232
00:59:46,250 --> 00:59:50,118
Okay, I'm very confused
by what's going on here.

1233
00:59:51,020 --> 00:59:52,288
Get out!

1234
01:00:02,732 --> 01:00:05,602
Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality

1235
01:00:05,603 --> 01:00:07,335
Garfield laughs over here!

1236
01:00:08,905 --> 01:00:10,373
I think our boss just raped me.

1237
01:00:10,374 --> 01:00:12,375
What?

1238
01:00:12,376 --> 01:00:15,111
I don't know what happened.
All a bit of a blur.

1239
01:00:15,112 --> 01:00:16,813
There was hands

1240
01:00:16,814 --> 01:00:19,248
and hair, and breath, and lips.

1241
01:00:19,249 --> 01:00:20,750
There might have been other
people, I don't know.

1242
01:00:20,751 --> 01:00:22,251
Sounds like she wants you.

1243
01:00:22,252 --> 01:00:25,388
Hey, man. Women have been all over
me since we got crazy famous.

1244
01:00:25,389 --> 01:00:27,023
Not to brag or anything,

1245
01:00:27,024 --> 01:00:29,692
but I just gave Florence
Henderson crabs.

1246
01:00:29,693 --> 01:00:33,162
That is in no way a brag,
Brian. That's horrible.

1247
01:00:33,163 --> 01:00:36,332
Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful, that two people do.

1248
01:00:36,333 --> 01:00:38,901
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites

1249
01:00:38,902 --> 01:00:41,037
- all over his penis and testicles.
- I'm just saying,

1250
01:00:41,038 --> 01:00:44,140
the mom of <i>The Brady Bunch</i>
<i>had a fun time with you,</i>

1251
01:00:44,141 --> 01:00:47,176
and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.

1252
01:00:47,177 --> 01:00:50,113
I gave her a whole
Brady Bunch of crabs.

1253
01:00:50,114 --> 01:00:52,849
Sounds to me like it's
her fault for being a randy gal.

1254
01:00:52,850 --> 01:00:54,217
I have a date!

1255
01:00:54,218 --> 01:00:55,752
Brick has a date?

1256
01:00:55,753 --> 01:00:56,853
Good for Brick!

1257
01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:58,655
What's a date?

1258
01:00:58,656 --> 01:01:00,923
A date is simply when two
people get together,

1259
01:01:00,924 --> 01:01:03,393
do something social, have a few
drinks, yadda-yadda-yadda...

1260
01:01:03,394 --> 01:01:04,661
Take their shirts off...

1261
01:01:06,397 --> 01:01:08,131
- Oh, it's okay.
- No, it's a fun thing.

1262
01:01:08,132 --> 01:01:09,899
It's fun.
It's all right.

1263
01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:13,136
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?

1264
01:01:13,137 --> 01:01:16,204
First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.

1265
01:01:18,408 --> 01:01:19,775
Oh!

1266
01:01:20,243 --> 01:01:22,145
There it is.

1267
01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:25,081
Brian Fantana's glorious
cabinet of condoms.

1268
01:01:25,082 --> 01:01:28,718
Oh, Brian, I know.
How about The Hooded Guest?

1269
01:01:28,719 --> 01:01:30,285
I like the cut of your jib.

1270
01:01:31,421 --> 01:01:33,790
That one
is ultra-ribbed.

1271
01:01:33,791 --> 01:01:36,392
It's like you're wearing an
armadillo shell on your privates.

1272
01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:38,194
It takes two hours to get on.

1273
01:01:38,195 --> 01:01:40,730
It's hooded.
She'll never see you coming.

1274
01:01:40,731 --> 01:01:42,065
Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.

1275
01:01:42,066 --> 01:01:43,466
You thinking what I'm thinking?

1276
01:01:43,467 --> 01:01:45,007
"Lou Dobin's
Good Time Weiner Pouch."

1277
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,869
That's a good one.

1278
01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:50,039
Dobin. Just a drifter who loves
to watch people have sex.

1279
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,708
They're made of denim,

1280
01:01:51,709 --> 01:01:53,276
so they look better
after each washing.

1281
01:01:53,277 --> 01:01:55,011
Talk about a great ride.

1282
01:01:55,012 --> 01:01:56,112
I think I have it.

1283
01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:58,047
Po' Boy Condom.

1284
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:00,216
It's a terrific condom.

1285
01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:02,952
Although it does burn a bit because
it's covered in Cajun spices.

1286
01:02:02,953 --> 01:02:05,988
It'll put a blister
on your po' boy.

1287
01:02:05,989 --> 01:02:07,724
Brian, what's the nickname for your
penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?

1288
01:02:07,725 --> 01:02:09,192
Fat Tuesday.

1289
01:02:09,193 --> 01:02:11,593
Wait a minute.
I've got it.

1290
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:14,964
"The Rigid Ghost."
Mmm.

1291
01:02:14,965 --> 01:02:17,767
Ah, it's the best damn
rubber on the market.

1292
01:02:17,768 --> 01:02:21,504
Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate
children using this condom.

1293
01:02:21,505 --> 01:02:24,207
Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the
whole point of wearing a condom?

1294
01:02:24,208 --> 01:02:26,342
To not impregnate the woman?

1295
01:02:26,343 --> 01:02:28,944
Well, you know the old
expression. "Nope."

1296
01:02:34,183 --> 01:02:36,419
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day

1297
01:02:36,420 --> 01:02:38,888
to all of our
Native American friends.

1298
01:02:38,889 --> 01:02:40,088
On the big map...

1299
01:02:42,158 --> 01:02:43,124
Where's my map?

1300
01:02:44,060 --> 01:02:46,262
There's no map, it's just green.

1301
01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,264
No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.

1302
01:02:48,265 --> 01:02:50,767
Right. Oh.

1303
01:02:50,768 --> 01:02:52,368
Ron, where's my legs?

1304
01:02:52,369 --> 01:02:54,103
Where are my legs?
Your legs are there.

1305
01:02:54,104 --> 01:02:56,038
I don't have any legs, Ron.

1306
01:02:56,039 --> 01:02:57,973
I don't even know
how I'm standing up.

1307
01:03:00,109 --> 01:03:01,978
Brick, your legs are fine.

1308
01:03:01,979 --> 01:03:04,480
The color of your pants
just matches...

1309
01:03:04,481 --> 01:03:07,283
Ron, I don't have any legs!
The Chroma-Key behind you.

1310
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:09,485
Ninety-three?

1311
01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:11,821
Ninety-three?

1312
01:03:11,822 --> 01:03:13,156
Relax.

1313
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:20,463
And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,

1314
01:03:20,464 --> 01:03:23,866
I got a job with the London
bureau for ABC News.

1315
01:03:23,867 --> 01:03:25,434
Wow, London.

1316
01:03:25,435 --> 01:03:28,371
You're so impressive, and I've...

1317
01:03:28,372 --> 01:03:30,540
I've only been out of
the United States twice.

1318
01:03:30,541 --> 01:03:33,309
A handful of times
in Mexico, and then

1319
01:03:33,310 --> 01:03:36,913
the second time I left the
country, we went to Salem, Oregon.

1320
01:03:36,914 --> 01:03:38,174
Mr. Burgundy,
are you nervous?

1321
01:03:38,214 --> 01:03:39,949
God, yes.

1322
01:03:39,950 --> 01:03:41,570
Did I scare you
by coming on so strong?

1323
01:03:42,051 --> 01:03:44,187
A little bit, sure.

1324
01:03:44,188 --> 01:03:46,189
Look, it's not that
you're not attractive...

1325
01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:48,357
It's just I'm a little
old-fashioned.

1326
01:03:48,358 --> 01:03:50,959
Well, I am a modern woman.
Mmm.

1327
01:03:51,327 --> 01:03:52,595
And let me tell you,

1328
01:03:52,596 --> 01:03:55,297
when I see something
that I want, I go for it.

1329
01:03:55,965 --> 01:03:57,366
Can I ask you a question?

1330
01:03:57,367 --> 01:03:58,868
Mmm-hmm.

1331
01:03:58,869 --> 01:04:01,036
Is that your foot
between my legs?

1332
01:04:01,103 --> 01:04:02,305
No.

1333
01:04:02,306 --> 01:04:04,272
Oh. I'm sorry.

1334
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:06,609
It was my hand.

1335
01:04:06,610 --> 01:04:08,277
So...

1336
01:04:08,278 --> 01:04:09,879
We're going to do this,
aren't we?

1337
01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:13,583
We most definitely
are gonna do this.

1338
01:04:13,584 --> 01:04:17,186
I feel a little awkward,
because I'm...

1339
01:04:17,187 --> 01:04:19,222
I'm about to have
sex with a black lady!

1340
01:04:19,223 --> 01:04:21,557
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

1341
01:04:21,558 --> 01:04:24,861
That's not the way I like
to handle my business.

1342
01:04:24,862 --> 01:04:26,929
When I get nervous,
I sometimes lose control

1343
01:04:26,930 --> 01:04:28,296
of the volume of my voice.

1344
01:04:28,865 --> 01:04:30,366
Well, I don't mind,

1345
01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:32,200
because I am going
to have you tonight.

1346
01:04:32,635 --> 01:04:34,337
Then let's leave

1347
01:04:34,338 --> 01:04:35,838
and go have interracial sex!

1348
01:04:37,907 --> 01:04:38,974
Sorry.

1349
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:23,152
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.

1350
01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:26,020
The beauty of this soda machine
pales in comparison to your beauty.

1351
01:05:32,662 --> 01:05:34,597
Can I ask you
a personal question?

1352
01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:36,532
I'm not sure
what that is, but yes.

1353
01:05:36,533 --> 01:05:38,133
Have you ever kissed anyone?

1354
01:05:39,035 --> 01:05:40,569
Do faces on the TV screen

1355
01:05:40,570 --> 01:05:42,390
and <i>Planet of the Apes</i>
<i>action figures count?</i>

1356
01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:44,507
Of course.

1357
01:05:44,508 --> 01:05:48,376
Then, yes. I have kissed
Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.

1358
01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,315
I've only kissed people
in my dreams.

1359
01:05:52,316 --> 01:05:55,484
So, I've only kissed
a tiny dragon

1360
01:05:55,485 --> 01:05:57,687
and a woman
with her hair on fire.

1361
01:05:57,688 --> 01:06:00,356
I don't have a lot
of experience with kissing,

1362
01:06:00,357 --> 01:06:02,491
but I do know one thing...

1363
01:06:02,492 --> 01:06:05,294
Always get your teeth involved.

1364
01:06:05,295 --> 01:06:07,729
I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.

1365
01:06:45,067 --> 01:06:46,434
Hello, Ms. Jackson.

1366
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:49,271
I didn't mean to scare you.

1367
01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:52,041
Mr. Allenby, I wasn't
expecting you to...

1368
01:06:52,042 --> 01:06:53,741
Yeah, no, I know.
Neither was I.

1369
01:06:55,211 --> 01:06:57,013
But then I heard
about this little story

1370
01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:00,149
that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.

1371
01:07:00,150 --> 01:07:02,184
You see, some of the
planes from my airline

1372
01:07:02,185 --> 01:07:03,805
have had parts
falling off them lately.

1373
01:07:04,286 --> 01:07:06,422
Is it a problem? Yeah.

1374
01:07:06,423 --> 01:07:09,725
Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.

1375
01:07:09,726 --> 01:07:13,763
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.

1376
01:07:13,764 --> 01:07:16,766
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.

1377
01:07:16,767 --> 01:07:19,567
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.

1378
01:07:20,236 --> 01:07:22,638
That's one of the perks.

1379
01:07:22,639 --> 01:07:25,740
It's called "synergy."
One company working with another.

1380
01:07:29,412 --> 01:07:30,745
To synergy.

1381
01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:42,358
You seem a little quiet,
I must say.

1382
01:07:42,359 --> 01:07:44,693
Just so you know,
I'm absolutely fine

1383
01:07:44,694 --> 01:07:46,115
with going to this family dinner.

1384
01:07:46,495 --> 01:07:47,929
They're going to love you.

1385
01:07:49,198 --> 01:07:51,266
Mmm. This is delicious!

1386
01:07:53,202 --> 01:07:54,235
So...

1387
01:07:55,271 --> 01:07:56,838
How long have you
and Linda been dating?

1388
01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:57,840
Mother.

1389
01:07:57,841 --> 01:07:59,442
Oh.

1390
01:07:59,443 --> 01:08:01,310
No, it's all right.
It's a logical question.

1391
01:08:01,311 --> 01:08:03,312
Um...

1392
01:08:03,313 --> 01:08:07,215
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.

1393
01:08:08,417 --> 01:08:12,388
And it gets hot
and sweaty and stanky.

1394
01:08:12,389 --> 01:08:15,257
There's some stank on that love.

1395
01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:16,826
What... What are you
talking about?

1396
01:08:16,827 --> 01:08:19,695
Let's put it this way, I be
busting nuts like a squirrel.

1397
01:08:19,696 --> 01:08:22,331
Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.

1398
01:08:22,332 --> 01:08:23,331
What are you doing?

1399
01:08:23,332 --> 01:08:26,235
I'm addressing the white
elephant in the room.

1400
01:08:26,236 --> 01:08:29,738
I'm breaking down the barriers
of race by assimilation.

1401
01:08:29,739 --> 01:08:31,740
That's all I'm doing.
Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

1402
01:08:31,741 --> 01:08:33,742
I think it's going well.

1403
01:08:33,743 --> 01:08:36,545
If you haven't noticed,
we don't converse like that.

1404
01:08:36,546 --> 01:08:38,814
Okay, okay.

1405
01:08:38,815 --> 01:08:41,117
Look at big papa down here.

1406
01:08:41,118 --> 01:08:43,619
He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky.

1407
01:08:43,620 --> 01:08:47,256
"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.
In my house? Touching my daughter?"

1408
01:08:47,257 --> 01:08:48,624
I have.

1409
01:08:48,625 --> 01:08:50,192
- I have touched your daughter.
- Honey!

1410
01:08:50,193 --> 01:08:52,294
We have done things, Papa.

1411
01:08:52,295 --> 01:08:54,597
You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!

1412
01:08:54,598 --> 01:08:56,699
Oh, my goodness!

1413
01:08:56,700 --> 01:09:01,437
I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana

1414
01:09:01,438 --> 01:09:06,408
with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet
and a spleef the size of a baby arm.

1415
01:09:06,409 --> 01:09:08,544
Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.

1416
01:09:08,545 --> 01:09:10,446
Let's get some smoke
going in this place, right?

1417
01:09:10,447 --> 01:09:12,547
This ain't no <i>Super Fly.</i>
<i>What is your problem, man?</i>

1418
01:09:14,850 --> 01:09:18,487
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.

1419
01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:20,589
Oh, you know what
I'm comin' at you with,

1420
01:09:20,590 --> 01:09:23,626
you big black mother of Linda.
Mix it up in a pot!

1421
01:09:23,627 --> 01:09:26,395
Makin' it spicy!
Oh, my Lord.

1422
01:09:26,396 --> 01:09:28,797
Hey.
In the back, cooking up chitlins.

1423
01:09:28,798 --> 01:09:31,233
Big ol' titties.
Big ol' titties.

1424
01:09:31,234 --> 01:09:32,935
Excuse me?

1425
01:09:32,936 --> 01:09:34,637
- That's my mama, man.
- Hey.

1426
01:09:34,638 --> 01:09:36,906
Wave your hands in the air.

1427
01:09:36,907 --> 01:09:38,841
Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.

1428
01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:40,676
Please, don't do this.

1429
01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:43,279
Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches

1430
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,548
can pass me the mashed potatoes?

1431
01:09:45,549 --> 01:09:47,883
Oh, I don't think that
dinner could've gone any better.

1432
01:09:47,884 --> 01:09:50,952
Are you nuts?
No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!

1433
01:09:51,921 --> 01:09:54,323
My dad was kicking you
in the head!

1434
01:09:54,324 --> 01:09:56,792
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.

1435
01:09:56,793 --> 01:09:58,661
Only with dinner guests!

1436
01:09:58,662 --> 01:10:00,963
You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches!"

1437
01:10:00,964 --> 01:10:02,864
I hate to pin it on you, but

1438
01:10:03,899 --> 01:10:05,120
you did invite me to dinner.

1439
01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:07,336
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1440
01:10:07,337 --> 01:10:09,438
No, I'm sorry.
I just...

1441
01:10:09,439 --> 01:10:12,408
I'm just under
a lot of stress because...

1442
01:10:12,409 --> 01:10:14,476
Because Allenby, he
doesn't want you to do

1443
01:10:14,477 --> 01:10:16,097
the story that
you're doing for sweeps.

1444
01:10:16,612 --> 01:10:19,748
"Death From Above." It's an excellent
story. Wonderful expose.

1445
01:10:19,749 --> 01:10:20,882
Listen, Ron.

1446
01:10:22,351 --> 01:10:23,985
Have you ever heard of synergy?

1447
01:10:30,492 --> 01:10:34,362
So your mom thought we should get
together, spend a little time.

1448
01:10:35,698 --> 01:10:38,800
She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.

1449
01:10:40,669 --> 01:10:42,470
Can you believe that bullshit?

1450
01:10:44,240 --> 01:10:46,442
Oh! This is hard.

1451
01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:49,377
Things you say
to a 6-year-old...

1452
01:10:50,646 --> 01:10:53,449
Oh! Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.

1453
01:10:53,450 --> 01:10:55,551
What?
Nothing.

1454
01:10:55,552 --> 01:10:58,254
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

1455
01:10:58,255 --> 01:11:02,324
Nope. Don't care for him.
Never have.

1456
01:11:02,325 --> 01:11:05,928
Don't like the mask, the costume,
the get-up, the webs.

1457
01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:08,764
He comes off like a real dickhead.
Real poser.

1458
01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:10,666
What's a poser?

1459
01:11:10,667 --> 01:11:15,504
A poser is Gary.
That's what a poser is.

1460
01:11:15,505 --> 01:11:17,339
By the way, how is that shitheel?

1461
01:11:17,340 --> 01:11:18,542
What's a shitheel?

1462
01:11:18,874 --> 01:11:21,744
A shitheel is a real fun term

1463
01:11:21,745 --> 01:11:24,380
that you should call Gary
every time you see him.

1464
01:11:24,381 --> 01:11:27,850
When he wakes you up for breakfast,
say, "Good morning, shitheel."

1465
01:11:27,851 --> 01:11:30,352
He'll probably give you
$5 or some candy.

1466
01:11:30,353 --> 01:11:32,388
Does that sound good?
Yeah.

1467
01:11:32,389 --> 01:11:34,490
You're a shitheel, Dad.

1468
01:11:34,491 --> 01:11:37,491
Good. You should
just call Gary that.

1469
01:11:37,517 --> 01:11:39,662
'Cause it makes him really happy.

1470
01:11:39,663 --> 01:11:42,329
It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.

1471
01:11:42,765 --> 01:11:44,967
Dad.
Huh?

1472
01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:48,470
Sometimes I hear sounds at
night and I get scared.

1473
01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:51,373
I think there's
a ghost in my closet.

1474
01:11:51,374 --> 01:11:53,075
Now, you listen to me, son.

1475
01:11:53,076 --> 01:11:57,313
There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.

1476
01:11:57,314 --> 01:11:58,881
So what's real that's scary?

1477
01:11:58,882 --> 01:12:00,349
You really want to know

1478
01:12:00,350 --> 01:12:01,930
the one thing
you should be afraid of?

1479
01:12:02,084 --> 01:12:03,751
Yes, I really do.

1480
01:12:04,420 --> 01:12:06,388
Voodoo.
Voodoo?

1481
01:12:06,389 --> 01:12:07,823
Yes, voodoo.

1482
01:12:07,824 --> 01:12:09,825
That shit will mess you up.

1483
01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:12,460
And it is 100% real.

1484
01:12:12,661 --> 01:12:14,730
Promise me

1485
01:12:14,731 --> 01:12:16,031
that you'll never go to Haiti.

1486
01:12:16,065 --> 01:12:18,067
I promise, Dad.

1487
01:12:18,068 --> 01:12:20,002
This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.

1488
01:12:20,003 --> 01:12:21,804
Me, too, Dad.

1489
01:12:21,805 --> 01:12:23,806
Oh, and hey. Do you want
to go to Haiti sometime?

1490
01:12:23,807 --> 01:12:26,008
No.
Good. Good.

1491
01:12:26,009 --> 01:12:27,943
What did you tell him?

1492
01:12:27,944 --> 01:12:29,912
I didn't tell him anything.

1493
01:12:29,913 --> 01:12:32,548
He hasn't slept
for four days, Ron!

1494
01:12:32,549 --> 01:12:35,050
Everywhere we go, he asks
me if we're going to Haiti!

1495
01:12:35,051 --> 01:12:36,752
What does that even mean?

1496
01:12:36,753 --> 01:12:39,655
I am so sick and tired
that you've sheltered him

1497
01:12:39,656 --> 01:12:41,757
from the evils of voodoo.

1498
01:12:41,758 --> 01:12:44,827
You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!

1499
01:12:44,828 --> 01:12:46,862
Let me ask you something, and I'm
not trying to be funny here.

1500
01:12:46,863 --> 01:12:49,465
Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?

1501
01:12:49,466 --> 01:12:52,701
He is seven years old, Ron.

1502
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:54,503
All right.
<i>Now listen to me.</i>

1503
01:12:54,504 --> 01:12:57,840
He has a science fair
tomorrow, at 8:00,

1504
01:12:57,841 --> 01:12:59,441
and he wants you to be there.

1505
01:12:59,442 --> 01:13:02,444
I will be there.
All right?

1506
01:13:02,445 --> 01:13:03,879
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?

1507
01:13:03,880 --> 01:13:06,115
I'm not discussing work
with you, Ron, okay?

1508
01:13:06,116 --> 01:13:08,584
Just be there at the
science fair tomorrow.

1509
01:13:08,585 --> 01:13:09,650
Fine!

1510
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:13,155
<i>Well, they're calling it the
interview of the decade.</i>

1511
01:13:13,156 --> 01:13:16,217
<i>Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat.</i>

1512
01:13:16,291 --> 01:13:16,992
Yasser who?

1513
01:13:16,993 --> 01:13:19,994
<i>The head of the PLO and some say the
key to peace in the Middle East.</i>

1514
01:13:20,093 --> 01:13:23,955
<i>Of course, Ms. Corningstone is</i>
<i>the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,</i>

1515
01:13:23,967 --> 01:13:26,501
<i>so you know that's got to be</i>
<i>a little stinger for Ronny.</i>

1516
01:13:26,502 --> 01:13:28,437
Tony Danza's scrotum!

1517
01:13:28,538 --> 01:13:30,806
<i>Well, that'll do it for
all of us here at GNN.</i>

1518
01:13:30,807 --> 01:13:33,776
<i>Thank God for the events,</i>
<i>thank me for the news.</i>

1519
01:13:33,777 --> 01:13:35,142
<i>I'm Dick Phuc.</i>

1520
01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:42,918
We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.

1521
01:13:42,919 --> 01:13:45,421
I really thought we had
a chance this time.

1522
01:13:45,422 --> 01:13:47,221
What about my
"Death From Above" story?

1523
01:13:48,791 --> 01:13:51,158
You better ask Ron about that.

1524
01:13:52,528 --> 01:13:54,096
We're pulling that story, Brian.

1525
01:13:54,097 --> 01:13:56,932
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.

1526
01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,534
It was my call, all right, Brian?

1527
01:13:58,535 --> 01:14:00,202
Just let it go.
It's synergy.

1528
01:14:00,203 --> 01:14:01,470
What does that mean?

1529
01:14:01,471 --> 01:14:03,705
Take it easy, Ron.

1530
01:14:03,706 --> 01:14:06,308
We got further than anybody thought
we would. We'll get 'em next time.

1531
01:14:06,309 --> 01:14:07,543
You take it easy!

1532
01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:09,111
I'm not in this to finish second!

1533
01:14:09,112 --> 01:14:10,979
I think Champ is just saying...

1534
01:14:10,980 --> 01:14:14,550
I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?

1535
01:14:14,551 --> 01:14:17,186
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.

1536
01:14:17,187 --> 01:14:19,554
Let's face it, I'm the one
who gets the ratings.

1537
01:14:20,722 --> 01:14:22,822
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.

1538
01:14:23,792 --> 01:14:26,562
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.

1539
01:14:26,563 --> 01:14:27,595
Shut up, Brick!

1540
01:14:28,096 --> 01:14:29,997
Just shut up for once!

1541
01:14:30,966 --> 01:14:32,801
Ron

1542
01:14:32,802 --> 01:14:34,503
yelled at me.

1543
01:14:34,504 --> 01:14:35,925
You're damn right
I yelled at you!

1544
01:14:39,541 --> 01:14:41,877
You don't yell at Brick.

1545
01:14:41,878 --> 01:14:43,099
Are you still smoking crack?

1546
01:14:43,579 --> 01:14:44,879
No.

1547
01:14:45,948 --> 01:14:47,369
I only smoked crack
that one time.

1548
01:14:49,017 --> 01:14:52,020
That's a lie.
I've done it six more times.

1549
01:14:52,021 --> 01:14:53,489
You made Brick cry.

1550
01:14:55,191 --> 01:14:57,158
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.

1551
01:14:59,661 --> 01:15:02,130
But seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?

1552
01:15:02,131 --> 01:15:04,500
You know what, Ron?

1553
01:15:04,501 --> 01:15:06,668
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.

1554
01:15:06,669 --> 01:15:08,570
But I don't like the
man you've become.

1555
01:15:08,571 --> 01:15:11,607
You know, we were happy
when you found us. Right?

1556
01:15:11,608 --> 01:15:13,542
I was taking pictures of pussies,

1557
01:15:13,543 --> 01:15:16,512
Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.

1558
01:15:16,513 --> 01:15:19,581
We took a gamble. Took a
gamble to follow you here.

1559
01:15:19,582 --> 01:15:21,250
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,

1560
01:15:21,251 --> 01:15:23,652
and beating Veronica
at all costs.

1561
01:15:23,653 --> 01:15:24,920
Had nothing to do with the news,
nothing to do with the team.

1562
01:15:24,921 --> 01:15:26,522
Brian, don't.

1563
01:15:26,523 --> 01:15:27,990
You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,

1564
01:15:27,991 --> 01:15:30,726
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

1565
01:15:30,727 --> 01:15:32,761
I know that if you're
pleasuring a woman down south,

1566
01:15:32,762 --> 01:15:34,663
you use your tongue to
spell out the alphabet.

1567
01:15:34,664 --> 01:15:37,733
Around the bubble.
Around her bubble.

1568
01:15:37,734 --> 01:15:40,969
The vulva!
The Volvo.

1569
01:15:40,970 --> 01:15:44,540
I know that "synergy" is a
completely made-up word.

1570
01:15:44,541 --> 01:15:47,309
I know that washing
your hands is for nerds.

1571
01:15:47,310 --> 01:15:49,845
Especially if you
don't mind pinkeye.

1572
01:15:49,846 --> 01:15:55,150
And I know that, no matter what,
you always stand by your friends.

1573
01:15:55,151 --> 01:15:57,284
You'll have to excuse me, Brian.

1574
01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:00,656
I've got a sore back

1575
01:16:00,657 --> 01:16:03,791
from carrying your ass around
for the last 15 years.

1576
01:16:04,860 --> 01:16:06,962
You know what, Burgundy?

1577
01:16:06,963 --> 01:16:09,798
I think your mouth is writing
checks that your body isn't...

1578
01:16:09,799 --> 01:16:11,766
Can't even...
Do anything with.

1579
01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:20,908
Fine, go!
I don't need you!

1580
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,778
I'll do the news by myself!

1581
01:16:28,817 --> 01:16:32,020
<i>Tonight I interview</i>
<i>Yasser Arafat,</i>

1582
01:16:32,021 --> 01:16:33,962
This is terrible.
<i>the secretive head of the PLO.</i>

1583
01:16:34,623 --> 01:16:36,223
We're on in 20, Ron. 20.
All right.

1584
01:16:37,025 --> 01:16:38,025
You ready?

1585
01:16:38,794 --> 01:16:40,896
What's that?
Huh?

1586
01:16:40,897 --> 01:16:43,231
Oh, that's nothing.
It's just a car chase

1587
01:16:43,232 --> 01:16:45,132
on the satellite feed
from Milwaukee.

1588
01:16:46,201 --> 01:16:48,337
You know what?

1589
01:16:48,338 --> 01:16:50,839
Give it to me live
to start the broadcast.

1590
01:16:50,840 --> 01:16:53,609
No. That's not news, Ron.

1591
01:16:53,610 --> 01:16:55,611
Give it to me live, okay?

1592
01:16:55,612 --> 01:16:56,878
And don't question me again.

1593
01:16:56,879 --> 01:16:58,280
Bill!

1594
01:16:58,281 --> 01:17:00,982
<i>- Now to you, the modern viewer,</i>
- Here we go.

1595
01:17:00,983 --> 01:17:03,652
<i>reporting on a car chase</i>
<i>may seem commonplace,</i>

1596
01:17:03,653 --> 01:17:06,822
3, 2...
<i>but in 1980, it was unheard of.</i>

1597
01:17:06,823 --> 01:17:08,957
Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,

1598
01:17:08,958 --> 01:17:11,259
reporting live from New York.

1599
01:17:11,260 --> 01:17:14,730
We have breaking news developing
in our nation's heartland.

1600
01:17:14,731 --> 01:17:18,400
A high-speed car chase
is in progress...

1601
01:17:18,401 --> 01:17:21,003
Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.

1602
01:17:21,004 --> 01:17:23,972
Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.
And for the first time in news history,

1603
01:17:23,973 --> 01:17:26,074
we will stay with it live

1604
01:17:26,075 --> 01:17:29,011
<i>until it resolves</i>
<i>in either a huge accident</i>

1605
01:17:29,012 --> 01:17:31,013
<i>- or a massive shootout.</i>
<i>- Richard!</i>

1606
01:17:31,014 --> 01:17:33,380
Hurry. Get in here!
There's a car chase on the news!

1607
01:17:34,950 --> 01:17:36,852
When is Dad gonna be here?

1608
01:17:36,853 --> 01:17:37,985
He'll be here.

1609
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:39,955
Are you a little upset?

1610
01:17:39,956 --> 01:17:41,956
Do you want to
do that thing where we

1611
01:17:42,791 --> 01:17:45,127
sort of talk about our feelings?

1612
01:17:45,128 --> 01:17:47,696
Oh, God, no.
Okay.

1613
01:17:47,697 --> 01:17:49,431
<i>This is the pulse</i>
<i>of what's going on</i>

1614
01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:51,433
in our country right now.

1615
01:17:51,434 --> 01:17:53,101
Freddie, what's going on?

1616
01:17:53,102 --> 01:17:55,003
Why is there a local
car chase on the TV?

1617
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:56,972
It's Burgundy. He insisted!

1618
01:17:56,973 --> 01:17:58,740
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?

1619
01:17:58,741 --> 01:18:02,177
We didn't have a story, so he made one.
You can't do that!

1620
01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:04,112
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.

1621
01:18:04,113 --> 01:18:07,282
Ron, speculate
on who's driving the car.

1622
01:18:07,283 --> 01:18:11,053
Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.

1623
01:18:11,054 --> 01:18:13,922
<i>He's probably 6'7", 6'8".</i>

1624
01:18:13,923 --> 01:18:16,425
But a skinny 6'7", 6'8".
About 160.

1625
01:18:16,426 --> 01:18:18,927
He may have a hostage or two.

1626
01:18:18,928 --> 01:18:21,263
Uh, we don't know.
He could have...

1627
01:18:21,264 --> 01:18:23,999
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!

1628
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:25,734
I've never seen anything like it!

1629
01:18:25,735 --> 01:18:28,270
Mr. Arafat,
is there any

1630
01:18:28,271 --> 01:18:31,807
scenario by which peace
could be reached with Israel?

1631
01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:33,742
Peace is what burns in my heart.
I am committed to...

1632
01:18:33,743 --> 01:18:34,723
What was... Excuse me.

1633
01:18:35,277 --> 01:18:37,245
What happened to the...

1634
01:18:37,246 --> 01:18:39,047
The network cut to
another developing story.

1635
01:18:39,048 --> 01:18:40,882
Some kind of crazy car chase.

1636
01:18:40,883 --> 01:18:43,719
Who covers a car chase?

1637
01:18:43,720 --> 01:18:47,923
I am sitting here with the most important
interview of my entire career,

1638
01:18:47,924 --> 01:18:49,458
and they're cutting
to a car chase?

1639
01:18:49,459 --> 01:18:52,828
I would like to watch the car chase.
You need to shut your mouth.

1640
01:18:52,829 --> 01:18:56,865
<i>This is extremely gripping. Oh! Oh!
He just hit a car! He just hit a car!</i>

1641
01:18:56,866 --> 01:18:58,033
He hit a car!
Did you see that?

1642
01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:00,235
- He hit a car!
<i>- Wow!</i>

1643
01:19:00,236 --> 01:19:01,903
He hit the car!
He hit the car!

1644
01:19:01,904 --> 01:19:04,873
When did the news get awesome?

1645
01:19:04,874 --> 01:19:06,775
<i>And he just</i>
<i>loses it! Wow!</i>

1646
01:19:06,776 --> 01:19:08,477
That's exactly what we needed.

1647
01:19:08,478 --> 01:19:10,660
It was getting a little boring...

1648
01:19:13,081 --> 01:19:15,383
Hey. You did
a great job.

1649
01:19:15,384 --> 01:19:17,786
Thanks, Gary.

1650
01:19:17,787 --> 01:19:19,321
I don't think your dad's coming.

1651
01:19:19,322 --> 01:19:21,142
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.

1652
01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,525
Stop reading my mind!

1653
01:19:25,227 --> 01:19:26,427
All right.

1654
01:19:30,966 --> 01:19:32,566
I mean, this is
what I worry about.

1655
01:19:34,803 --> 01:19:36,772
Did you do that with your mind?

1656
01:19:36,773 --> 01:19:37,839
No.

1657
01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:39,808
Liar.

1658
01:19:39,809 --> 01:19:44,079
We're just getting word that police
have finally apprehended the suspect.

1659
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:46,948
It turns out that he is
an elderly gentleman,

1660
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:48,884
he's 80 years old,

1661
01:19:48,885 --> 01:19:50,485
and he was simply confused.
Unbelievable.

1662
01:19:50,486 --> 01:19:52,554
I'm Ron Burgundy.

1663
01:19:52,555 --> 01:19:56,357
Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.

1664
01:19:58,226 --> 01:20:00,027
And we are clear!

1665
01:20:00,195 --> 01:20:01,262
Yes!

1666
01:20:01,830 --> 01:20:02,998
Great!

1667
01:20:02,999 --> 01:20:04,833
All right!

1668
01:20:04,834 --> 01:20:06,802
I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!

1669
01:20:06,803 --> 01:20:08,602
Oh, my goodness.
Thanks, Freddie.

1670
01:20:09,971 --> 01:20:11,940
I don't deserve this.

1671
01:20:11,941 --> 01:20:13,540
It was a team effort.
It really was.

1672
01:20:22,918 --> 01:20:24,586
<i>Now, ladies and gentlemen,</i>

1673
01:20:24,587 --> 01:20:26,922
<i>we all know there's one reason</i>

1674
01:20:26,923 --> 01:20:30,325
<i>that GNN has gotten to the top.</i>

1675
01:20:30,326 --> 01:20:33,261
<i>And that reason is the greatest
bloody newsman in the world.</i>

1676
01:20:33,262 --> 01:20:35,297
<i>Long may he reign!</i>

1677
01:20:35,298 --> 01:20:36,998
<i>Mr. Ron Burgundy!</i>

1678
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,098
Yeah, Ron! Yeah!

1679
01:20:47,442 --> 01:20:49,076
Fire it up, Ronny!

1680
01:21:13,068 --> 01:21:14,636
Let's blaze.

1681
01:21:14,637 --> 01:21:17,104
Yeah. To hell
with Ron Burgundy.

1682
01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:20,240
We did it, my onyx hellion.

1683
01:21:22,644 --> 01:21:23,644
You're magic!

1684
01:21:26,348 --> 01:21:28,382
Ron, you should see
what you're doing!

1685
01:21:44,666 --> 01:21:47,135
<i>In the myth of Icarus,</i>

1686
01:21:47,136 --> 01:21:49,905
<i>Icarus, full of the folly</i>
<i>that comes with pride,</i>

1687
01:21:49,906 --> 01:21:51,239
<i>flew too high</i>

1688
01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:53,073
<i>and the sun melted his wings.</i>

1689
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:58,313
<i>Burgundy's fame was bigger</i>
<i>than he ever imagined.</i>

1690
01:21:58,314 --> 01:22:01,015
<i>And the fall was dizzying.</i>

1691
01:22:09,190 --> 01:22:10,524
Oh, my God, Ronny!

1692
01:22:10,959 --> 01:22:12,994
Ron!

1693
01:22:12,995 --> 01:22:14,562
- Open the bloody gate.
- Will somebody call an ambulance?

1694
01:22:14,563 --> 01:22:16,563
Do not die in front of us!

1695
01:22:17,565 --> 01:22:20,167
Do not die in front of us!

1696
01:22:22,337 --> 01:22:24,172
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.

1697
01:22:24,173 --> 01:22:25,572
Somebody call an ambulance!

1698
01:22:37,452 --> 01:22:39,220
Damn it, Milton, what is it?

1699
01:22:39,221 --> 01:22:40,522
Well, Ron...

1700
01:22:40,523 --> 01:22:42,524
I, um...

1701
01:22:42,525 --> 01:22:45,493
It looks as if both optic nerves

1702
01:22:45,494 --> 01:22:48,663
are separated from
their respective corneas.

1703
01:22:48,664 --> 01:22:50,464
What?
No other way to put this, but...

1704
01:22:51,066 --> 01:22:52,267
You're blind.

1705
01:22:52,268 --> 01:22:55,136
Milton, I'm an anchorman.

1706
01:22:55,137 --> 01:22:58,606
I read the news off the teleprompter.
It's what I do!

1707
01:22:58,607 --> 01:23:00,241
How will I live?

1708
01:23:00,242 --> 01:23:01,643
I'm no career counselor,

1709
01:23:01,644 --> 01:23:03,345
but there are
many things you can do.

1710
01:23:03,346 --> 01:23:05,580
Be an oracle, or a mystic.

1711
01:23:05,581 --> 01:23:07,482
Clearly, there must be something

1712
01:23:07,483 --> 01:23:10,986
in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!

1713
01:23:10,987 --> 01:23:12,787
Settle down.
There's got to be something in here!

1714
01:23:12,788 --> 01:23:14,122
Settle down!

1715
01:23:14,123 --> 01:23:15,991
Zombies! Zombies!

1716
01:23:15,992 --> 01:23:17,257
Ahh!

1717
01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:20,861
If you get my hands
on me, I'll kill you.

1718
01:23:22,330 --> 01:23:24,032
<i>The world of the blind.</i>

1719
01:23:24,033 --> 01:23:25,667
<i>Ron Burgundy, a man who had</i>

1720
01:23:25,668 --> 01:23:28,303
<i>flourished in a visual medium,</i>

1721
01:23:28,304 --> 01:23:31,539
<i>had forever entered</i>
<i>this realm of darkness.</i>

1722
01:23:31,540 --> 01:23:34,508
<i>♪ Always lonely</i>

1723
01:23:35,143 --> 01:23:37,678
<i>♪ Always looking</i>

1724
01:23:39,347 --> 01:23:43,517
<i>♪ To get even with the men</i>
<i>who did him wrong</i>

1725
01:23:46,187 --> 01:23:48,289
<i>♪ That was Billy</i>

1726
01:23:49,792 --> 01:23:50,791
Who is it?

1727
01:23:53,561 --> 01:23:55,764
Ron, it's us!

1728
01:23:55,765 --> 01:23:57,332
I'm sure you gentlemen

1729
01:23:57,333 --> 01:23:59,534
are famished from your travels.

1730
01:23:59,535 --> 01:24:03,238
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.

1731
01:24:03,239 --> 01:24:05,205
Still hot off the griddle!

1732
01:24:05,507 --> 01:24:07,442
There we go.

1733
01:24:07,443 --> 01:24:09,623
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.

1734
01:24:10,712 --> 01:24:13,681
Jack Lime's been filling in for
you since you've been gone.

1735
01:24:13,682 --> 01:24:16,017
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.

1736
01:24:16,018 --> 01:24:17,118
Ha-ha.

1737
01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:19,154
He goes by Jack Lame now.

1738
01:24:19,155 --> 01:24:21,122
Well, he shouldn't be doing that.

1739
01:24:21,123 --> 01:24:22,503
He should be going by Jack Lame.

1740
01:24:22,657 --> 01:24:23,758
Brick!

1741
01:24:23,759 --> 01:24:25,560
Brick.

1742
01:24:25,561 --> 01:24:27,327
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.

1743
01:24:28,696 --> 01:24:30,365
What about Linda?
She hasn't called.

1744
01:24:30,366 --> 01:24:31,332
Linda's pretty busy.

1745
01:24:31,333 --> 01:24:34,803
Ron, I'm going
to need your recipe.

1746
01:24:34,804 --> 01:24:36,571
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?

1747
01:24:36,572 --> 01:24:38,406
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.

1748
01:24:38,407 --> 01:24:40,708
Well, every day begins
about the same.

1749
01:24:40,709 --> 01:24:44,679
I wake up screaming in terror because
of the blackness and I think I'm dead.

1750
01:24:44,680 --> 01:24:46,114
Every day?

1751
01:24:46,115 --> 01:24:48,216
Yes! Every day!

1752
01:24:48,217 --> 01:24:51,186
And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.

1753
01:24:51,187 --> 01:24:53,455
Making breakfast.

1754
01:24:53,456 --> 01:24:56,091
I've eaten everything
from nails to drink coasters.

1755
01:24:56,092 --> 01:24:58,626
One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,

1756
01:24:58,627 --> 01:25:00,762
thinking it was a savory waffle.

1757
01:25:00,763 --> 01:25:05,433
I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.

1758
01:25:05,434 --> 01:25:07,669
Couldn't you tell the ashtray
wasn't hot like a waffle?

1759
01:25:07,670 --> 01:25:10,472
No! I couldn't!
Because I'm blind!

1760
01:25:10,473 --> 01:25:14,175
I'm not blind 23 hours a
day or 22 hours a day,

1761
01:25:14,176 --> 01:25:17,378
I'm blind the whole goddamn time!

1762
01:25:17,379 --> 01:25:20,682
Do you have any idea what it's like
to drink a half a bottle of ketchup

1763
01:25:20,683 --> 01:25:24,351
thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Chateauneuf-Du-Pape?

1764
01:25:25,587 --> 01:25:27,489
I even decanted it!

1765
01:25:27,490 --> 01:25:30,492
If you drank half a bottle
of that, that's like...

1766
01:25:30,493 --> 01:25:33,761
That's like nine or ten gulps. I mean,
you couldn't tell that was ketchup?

1767
01:25:33,762 --> 01:25:35,330
Did I stutter?

1768
01:25:35,331 --> 01:25:38,733
I'm ba-lind!

1769
01:25:38,734 --> 01:25:40,735
You're having a tough
time, Ron, I know.

1770
01:25:40,736 --> 01:25:42,356
You know what
the biggest indignity is?

1771
01:25:42,837 --> 01:25:44,372
I can't even masturbate!

1772
01:25:44,373 --> 01:25:45,807
Why?

1773
01:25:45,808 --> 01:25:48,209
Heck, one morning,
I spent 20 minutes

1774
01:25:48,210 --> 01:25:52,580
aggressively rubbing my shin,
wondering, "Where's the sensation?

1775
01:25:52,581 --> 01:25:53,815
"Where's the pleasure coming?"

1776
01:25:53,816 --> 01:25:56,351
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?

1777
01:25:56,352 --> 01:25:57,519
I know you think
I'm stupid, don't you?

1778
01:25:57,520 --> 01:25:59,420
- No!
- The weirdo

1779
01:25:59,421 --> 01:26:02,557
who lives in the weird lighthouse
in the middle of nowhere.

1780
01:26:02,558 --> 01:26:04,692
Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."

1781
01:26:04,693 --> 01:26:06,427
You know why I live here?

1782
01:26:06,428 --> 01:26:10,532
Let me say it real
slow and real loud.

1783
01:26:10,533 --> 01:26:12,567
I'm

1784
01:26:12,568 --> 01:26:15,535
bl-i-i-i-i-nd!

1785
01:26:16,471 --> 01:26:17,939
I guess we should
get out of here.

1786
01:26:17,940 --> 01:26:19,607
Maybe you should go. Yes.

1787
01:26:19,608 --> 01:26:22,243
Why don't you guys get out of here!

1788
01:26:22,244 --> 01:26:24,712
Despite my complete
and utter isolation,

1789
01:26:24,713 --> 01:26:27,547
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!

1790
01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:36,556
Goodbye, Ron.

1791
01:26:38,793 --> 01:26:39,393
What?

1792
01:26:40,828 --> 01:26:42,664
No, don't go!

1793
01:26:42,665 --> 01:26:46,500
Please! Wait!
I'm all alone! Come back!

1794
01:26:51,506 --> 01:26:53,907
Wait! Come back!

1795
01:26:54,842 --> 01:26:56,610
Come back!

1796
01:26:59,814 --> 01:27:01,581
I'm alone!

1797
01:27:02,550 --> 01:27:07,355
Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?

1798
01:27:07,356 --> 01:27:10,892
Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?

1799
01:27:10,893 --> 01:27:14,562
But, no, you had to
make Ron Burgundy blind!

1800
01:27:15,998 --> 01:27:17,665
Well, I never
thought that I would see

1801
01:27:17,666 --> 01:27:21,236
the Ron Burgundy full
of so much self-pity.

1802
01:27:21,237 --> 01:27:23,871
Who is it? What is that noise?

1803
01:27:23,872 --> 01:27:24,871
Take my hand.

1804
01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:27,375
I can't see it!

1805
01:27:27,376 --> 01:27:29,310
Reach for it, Ron!

1806
01:27:29,311 --> 01:27:31,545
You have to learn
to do for yourself now.

1807
01:27:32,413 --> 01:27:34,015
All right. This...
Okay. Here we go.

1808
01:27:34,016 --> 01:27:35,349
Get up. There we go.

1809
01:27:37,919 --> 01:27:39,687
Cher, is that you?

1810
01:27:39,688 --> 01:27:41,149
You can't recognize me
by my voice?

1811
01:27:41,889 --> 01:27:43,423
Jan-Michael Vincent?

1812
01:27:43,758 --> 01:27:45,660
Really?

1813
01:27:45,661 --> 01:27:48,463
Every news station is
copying what you did, Ron.

1814
01:27:48,464 --> 01:27:53,635
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.

1815
01:27:53,636 --> 01:27:56,571
The genie has been
let out of the bottle,

1816
01:27:56,572 --> 01:27:58,740
and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.

1817
01:27:58,741 --> 01:28:01,342
That's why I quit <i>WBC News.</i>

1818
01:28:01,343 --> 01:28:02,503
What?
There's no real news...

1819
01:28:02,529 --> 01:28:05,025
being reported out there.
It's just all about ratings.

1820
01:28:05,280 --> 01:28:06,546
Veronica.

1821
01:28:07,048 --> 01:28:08,650
Why are you here?

1822
01:28:08,651 --> 01:28:10,083
I'm here for our son, Ron.

1823
01:28:10,585 --> 01:28:12,320
Walter needs you.

1824
01:28:12,321 --> 01:28:14,355
I need you to start
taking responsibility

1825
01:28:14,356 --> 01:28:16,324
for him and for yourself.

1826
01:28:16,325 --> 01:28:18,459
Do you realize
you're talking to a man

1827
01:28:18,460 --> 01:28:20,461
who just this morning
tried to brush his teeth

1828
01:28:20,462 --> 01:28:21,661
with a live lobster?

1829
01:28:21,863 --> 01:28:23,063
What?

1830
01:28:24,766 --> 01:28:26,934
You would've known the second
that you touched it...

1831
01:28:26,935 --> 01:28:29,804
I'm just saying it's not
going to be a cakewalk.

1832
01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:31,938
Well, then we best get to it.

1833
01:28:32,473 --> 01:28:33,640
Now, drink your tea.

1834
01:28:34,509 --> 01:28:36,076
Oh!

1835
01:28:38,413 --> 01:28:41,816
Let me get a sponge. I'll get it.
All right. No, no, just stay there.

1836
01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:43,650
I'll have it
cleaned up in a jiffy.

1837
01:28:54,429 --> 01:28:55,830
Let's try this again.

1838
01:28:55,831 --> 01:28:57,598
Did you throw it?
Yes, I threw it.

1839
01:28:57,599 --> 01:28:58,965
Just remember the curves.

1840
01:28:59,367 --> 01:29:00,568
The curves.

1841
01:29:00,569 --> 01:29:02,870
The green eyes.
Green eyes.

1842
01:29:02,871 --> 01:29:04,571
You have to use
your other senses now!

1843
01:29:04,839 --> 01:29:06,573
I can't do it!

1844
01:29:07,942 --> 01:29:10,844
Baxter found something on the beach!

1845
01:29:11,412 --> 01:29:12,947
Ron, be careful!

1846
01:29:12,948 --> 01:29:15,483
It's okay!

1847
01:29:15,484 --> 01:29:18,919
Walter, what is it?
It's some kind of fish!

1848
01:29:19,954 --> 01:29:21,823
Oh, my goodness!

1849
01:29:21,824 --> 01:29:23,624
If he stays tangled in this net,

1850
01:29:23,625 --> 01:29:25,460
he's not going to survive.

1851
01:29:25,461 --> 01:29:26,993
Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.

1852
01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:29,430
Son,

1853
01:29:29,431 --> 01:29:31,966
don't you worry, we won't
let this fellow die.

1854
01:29:31,967 --> 01:29:33,733
We'll do it together, Dad.

1855
01:29:38,840 --> 01:29:40,908
That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough

1856
01:29:40,909 --> 01:29:42,476
to swim out to the deep ocean.

1857
01:29:42,810 --> 01:29:43,978
Can I name him?

1858
01:29:43,979 --> 01:29:45,880
Of course you can, son.

1859
01:29:45,881 --> 01:29:49,016
What about Crackers?

1860
01:29:49,017 --> 01:29:51,886
Give me a goddamned break.

1861
01:29:51,887 --> 01:29:55,056
Seriously, you've got one of the
most vicious predators in the ocean,

1862
01:29:55,057 --> 01:29:57,091
you're gonna name him "Crackers"?

1863
01:29:57,092 --> 01:30:02,063
In the future when you say I can name
something, don't be a dick about it.

1864
01:30:02,064 --> 01:30:05,433
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.

1865
01:30:05,434 --> 01:30:09,103
You talk all that smack and that's
the best name you come up with?

1866
01:30:09,104 --> 01:30:11,672
Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.

1867
01:30:11,673 --> 01:30:16,144
I mean, you obviously can't name
him anything that sounds good.

1868
01:30:16,145 --> 01:30:20,415
How about we forget about this whole
name thing and you go straight to hell?

1869
01:30:20,416 --> 01:30:22,483
Well, I don't know what to do.

1870
01:30:22,484 --> 01:30:25,853
We might as well poison the
water and let him die.

1871
01:30:25,854 --> 01:30:28,523
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just go with Doby.

1872
01:30:28,524 --> 01:30:31,058
Fine, then it's settled.
It's Doby.

1873
01:30:31,059 --> 01:30:35,029
We'll call him Doby
even though no one likes it.

1874
01:30:35,030 --> 01:30:37,098
All right, I can live with that.

1875
01:30:39,134 --> 01:30:42,135
Don't worry, Baxter.
We won't feed him your dog food.

1876
01:30:47,909 --> 01:30:50,678
<i>Even though Ron</i>
<i>Burgundy had lost his sight,</i>

1877
01:30:50,679 --> 01:30:52,613
<i>he had never seen so clearly.</i>

1878
01:30:52,614 --> 01:30:54,749
You did it!

1879
01:30:54,750 --> 01:30:58,818
<i>And with every inch</i>
<i>Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.</i>

1880
01:31:10,164 --> 01:31:12,567
It's just a bunch
of crazy lines, isn't it?

1881
01:31:12,568 --> 01:31:15,268
No. It's beautiful.

1882
01:31:16,704 --> 01:31:18,271
It's beautiful.

1883
01:31:32,954 --> 01:31:34,856
What about Gary?

1884
01:31:34,857 --> 01:31:37,024
We split up two weeks ago.

1885
01:31:37,025 --> 01:31:40,595
He was too emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!

1886
01:31:40,596 --> 01:31:43,798
<i>And so, just like</i>
<i>the passing of the seasons,</i>

1887
01:31:43,799 --> 01:31:46,000
<i>it came time for Doby to return</i>

1888
01:31:46,001 --> 01:31:48,202
<i>to the deep waters</i>
<i>he was meant to call home.</i>

1889
01:31:48,203 --> 01:31:50,505
I hear his tail splashing!

1890
01:31:50,506 --> 01:31:52,640
He's actually swimming away!

1891
01:31:52,641 --> 01:31:54,775
Is he looking back for us
over his shoulder?

1892
01:31:54,776 --> 01:31:56,277
Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.

1893
01:31:56,278 --> 01:31:58,079
No, he just swam away,

1894
01:31:58,080 --> 01:32:00,146
and he's instantly looking
for fish to eat.

1895
01:32:00,815 --> 01:32:02,983
He was my best friend.

1896
01:32:04,018 --> 01:32:05,987
<i>♪ You</i>

1897
01:32:05,988 --> 01:32:08,021
<i>♪ Swam with strength</i>

1898
01:32:09,824 --> 01:32:11,224
<i>♪ You</i>

1899
01:32:11,859 --> 01:32:14,661
<i>♪ Loved with grace</i>

1900
01:32:15,897 --> 01:32:19,165
<i>♪ You touched us all</i>

1901
01:32:19,867 --> 01:32:22,737
<i>♪ With your expressionless</i>

1902
01:32:22,738 --> 01:32:24,838
<i>♪ Face</i>

1903
01:32:27,074 --> 01:32:29,810
<i>♪ Doby, oh, Doby</i>

1904
01:32:29,811 --> 01:32:33,748
<i>♪ May you find many treasures</i>

1905
01:32:33,749 --> 01:32:37,751
<i>♪ Both emotional and monetary</i>

1906
01:32:39,287 --> 01:32:42,657
<i>♪ You were wise and loving</i>

1907
01:32:42,658 --> 01:32:45,725
<i>♪ and never contrary</i>

1908
01:32:45,960 --> 01:32:47,794
<i>♪ Doby</i>

1909
01:32:48,062 --> 01:32:50,330
<i>♪ Oh, Doby</i>

1910
01:32:51,032 --> 01:32:53,366
<i>♪ I'll never forget thee</i>

1911
01:32:57,672 --> 01:32:59,139
<i>♪ Doby</i>

1912
01:32:59,340 --> 01:33:02,276
<i>♪ Oh, Doby</i>

1913
01:33:02,277 --> 01:33:04,911
<i>♪ I'll never forget thee</i>

1914
01:33:09,650 --> 01:33:11,786
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?

1915
01:33:11,787 --> 01:33:13,788
I promise.

1916
01:33:13,789 --> 01:33:15,856
If I say I'll be there for you,

1917
01:33:15,857 --> 01:33:18,125
there's nothing on God's earth
that will stop me.

1918
01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,027
I love you, Dad.

1919
01:33:20,028 --> 01:33:22,163
Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?

1920
01:33:22,164 --> 01:33:23,730
Come on.
Okay.

1921
01:33:24,231 --> 01:33:25,365
Let's go.

1922
01:33:26,834 --> 01:33:30,470
I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.

1923
01:33:36,310 --> 01:33:37,979
Oh, there you are.

1924
01:33:37,980 --> 01:33:41,282
I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.

1925
01:33:41,283 --> 01:33:43,184
I thought we could steam
them up tonight

1926
01:33:43,185 --> 01:33:45,218
with a nice butter sauce

1927
01:33:45,720 --> 01:33:47,622
and some wine.

1928
01:33:48,856 --> 01:33:49,923
Veronica.

1929
01:33:50,157 --> 01:33:51,825
Yes, Ron?

1930
01:33:52,393 --> 01:33:53,993
Can you explain this?

1931
01:33:55,831 --> 01:34:00,668
<i>Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.</i>
<i>I've left dozens of messages.</i>

1932
01:34:00,669 --> 01:34:02,169
<i>Somehow, they must be</i>
<i>getting erased.</i>

1933
01:34:02,170 --> 01:34:04,205
<i>But there is a procedure</i>

1934
01:34:04,206 --> 01:34:07,108
<i>that can possibly
return your sight.</i>

1935
01:34:07,109 --> 01:34:09,877
<i>Please get back to me if
you're interested.</i>

1936
01:34:09,878 --> 01:34:13,214
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?

1937
01:34:13,215 --> 01:34:15,816
Yes. Ron,
just let me explain.

1938
01:34:15,817 --> 01:34:17,351
How could you?

1939
01:34:17,352 --> 01:34:20,054
We've never been this happy
and I just thought that...

1940
01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:22,089
Thought that
if I could see again,

1941
01:34:22,090 --> 01:34:24,125
that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?

1942
01:34:24,126 --> 01:34:25,926
Yes!

1943
01:34:25,927 --> 01:34:27,895
Damn you, woman!

1944
01:34:27,896 --> 01:34:29,896
You lied to me!

1945
01:34:30,831 --> 01:34:32,700
I gave you everything!

1946
01:34:32,701 --> 01:34:34,234
I gave you my heart,

1947
01:34:34,735 --> 01:34:36,336
my smile,

1948
01:34:36,704 --> 01:34:38,238
my seed.

1949
01:34:38,873 --> 01:34:40,241
And you lied to me.

1950
01:34:40,242 --> 01:34:41,375
Dad!
Sweetheart.

1951
01:34:41,376 --> 01:34:43,244
No! Dad!

1952
01:34:43,245 --> 01:34:45,011
Don't leave, Dad!

1953
01:34:45,746 --> 01:34:47,982
Dad!
Walter, just...

1954
01:34:47,983 --> 01:34:49,850
Sweetheart, we have to let him go.

1955
01:34:49,851 --> 01:34:51,951
He needs to go free.

1956
01:34:52,386 --> 01:34:54,755
Just like Doby.

1957
01:34:54,756 --> 01:34:56,824
He'll be back. He promised.

1958
01:34:58,827 --> 01:35:01,829
Could you please
call me a damn cab? I'm blind!

1959
01:35:01,830 --> 01:35:02,730
Of course!

1960
01:35:02,731 --> 01:35:07,435
<i>Ron, the operation was a success.</i>

1961
01:35:07,436 --> 01:35:10,336
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.

1962
01:35:16,210 --> 01:35:17,544
Well?

1963
01:35:17,945 --> 01:35:19,078
Yes.

1964
01:35:19,780 --> 01:35:21,347
I can see.

1965
01:35:25,454 --> 01:35:28,923
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

1966
01:35:28,924 --> 01:35:30,725
You are my inspiration.

1967
01:35:30,726 --> 01:35:32,225
Oh, well, thank you.

1968
01:35:33,494 --> 01:35:34,962
Welcome back, Ron.

1969
01:35:34,963 --> 01:35:36,329
Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.

1970
01:35:37,031 --> 01:35:38,198
Good luck in Vietnam.

1971
01:35:38,933 --> 01:35:40,735
Brick.

1972
01:35:40,736 --> 01:35:43,504
Brick and I are having a baby! We're
gonna name him Tortilla Jackson.

1973
01:35:43,505 --> 01:35:46,774
- All right. I'm 22 months pregnant.
- Well, get over here, you bastard.

1974
01:35:46,775 --> 01:35:48,509
Got you a drink,
Ron. Come on.

1975
01:35:48,510 --> 01:35:52,278
Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.

1976
01:36:04,358 --> 01:36:05,892
How you doing there?

1977
01:36:06,794 --> 01:36:08,262
Oh.

1978
01:36:08,263 --> 01:36:10,630
I'm fine. Just, uh...

1979
01:36:11,899 --> 01:36:14,034
Just a lot of people in there.

1980
01:36:14,035 --> 01:36:17,805
Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.

1981
01:36:17,806 --> 01:36:21,208
There's no need to explain.
But, listen, I mean, you're back.

1982
01:36:21,209 --> 01:36:22,149
Hello, Ron.

1983
01:36:23,544 --> 01:36:25,346
What are you doing here?

1984
01:36:25,347 --> 01:36:28,448
I had to come tell you
something very important.

1985
01:36:30,217 --> 01:36:31,819
You must be Linda Jackson.

1986
01:36:31,820 --> 01:36:33,354
You must be Veronica.

1987
01:36:33,355 --> 01:36:35,122
Yes, I am.
It's a pleasure.

1988
01:36:35,123 --> 01:36:36,924
This is a touching moment for me.

1989
01:36:36,925 --> 01:36:38,959
Please, don't take this
the wrong way,

1990
01:36:38,960 --> 01:36:41,362
but if you touch Ron again,

1991
01:36:41,363 --> 01:36:44,031
I will shoot you in the
cooch with a B.B. gun.

1992
01:36:44,032 --> 01:36:46,567
Oh! Well, you can
talk big all you want,

1993
01:36:46,568 --> 01:36:49,203
but guess what, this
kitten's got claws, bitch.

1994
01:36:49,204 --> 01:36:51,105
Don't mess with me, Linda,

1995
01:36:51,106 --> 01:36:54,108
because this "White Thunder"
rolls deep and it rolls nasty.

1996
01:36:54,109 --> 01:36:55,910
I was feeling a little bit down,

1997
01:36:55,911 --> 01:36:58,145
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.

1998
01:36:58,146 --> 01:37:00,481
Well, I guess I'll
leave you two alone.

1999
01:37:00,482 --> 01:37:03,250
And it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

2000
01:37:03,251 --> 01:37:04,485
This has been great.

2001
01:37:04,486 --> 01:37:06,220
Do you guys want
to kiss real quick?

2002
01:37:06,221 --> 01:37:08,389
Ron. Read the room.

2003
01:37:08,390 --> 01:37:09,589
I'll take that as a no.

2004
01:37:10,391 --> 01:37:13,127
Bye, Linda.

2005
01:37:13,128 --> 01:37:15,563
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.

2006
01:37:15,564 --> 01:37:19,600
I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
because Walter has a piano recital

2007
01:37:19,601 --> 01:37:22,403
in half an hour at the Tishman
School on 65th Street.

2008
01:37:22,404 --> 01:37:24,537
And he wrote
a piece for you, Ron.

2009
01:37:24,972 --> 01:37:27,208
Aw, Walter.

2010
01:37:27,209 --> 01:37:30,311
It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.

2011
01:37:30,312 --> 01:37:33,046
Ron, I just got a call from the
control room! Oh, big fan.

2012
01:37:34,215 --> 01:37:37,484
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom

2013
01:37:37,485 --> 01:37:39,854
<i>Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd,</i>

2014
01:37:39,855 --> 01:37:42,323
she just found out
her husband cheated on her

2015
01:37:42,324 --> 01:37:45,025
and she severed his penis
while he slept!

2016
01:37:45,026 --> 01:37:46,460
Oh, my goodness.

2017
01:37:46,461 --> 01:37:50,231
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,

2018
01:37:50,232 --> 01:37:53,634
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!

2019
01:37:53,635 --> 01:37:55,970
We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,

2020
01:37:55,971 --> 01:37:57,938
but we've got to go, right now!

2021
01:37:57,939 --> 01:38:01,375
Ron, this can be your comeback.

2022
01:38:01,376 --> 01:38:03,710
Veronica, I...
No, Ron. No.

2023
01:38:04,645 --> 01:38:07,248
That will get
sky-high ratings.

2024
01:38:07,249 --> 01:38:10,216
Walter will understand.
Walter will understand.

2025
01:38:10,284 --> 01:38:11,451
Go.

2026
01:38:12,453 --> 01:38:14,121
Come on, Ron.
Priorities!

2027
01:38:14,122 --> 01:38:15,755
Veronica!
Come on!

2028
01:38:18,325 --> 01:38:21,328
<i>Can you hear me?
Yes, yes, you're coming in loud and clear.</i>

2029
01:38:21,329 --> 01:38:22,930
You're back
and you get this story.

2030
01:38:22,931 --> 01:38:24,965
This is gonna be huge.
Right.

2031
01:38:24,966 --> 01:38:26,500
So, is it good to be back home?

2032
01:38:26,501 --> 01:38:28,469
Um, yeah, I feel good.

2033
01:38:28,470 --> 01:38:30,731
<i>God, look at him.
Like a beacon in the night!</i>

2034
01:38:31,138 --> 01:38:32,573
My golden goose.

2035
01:38:32,574 --> 01:38:34,375
<i>All right, baby.</i>

2036
01:38:34,376 --> 01:38:35,409
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.

2037
01:38:35,410 --> 01:38:37,211
Five, four,

2038
01:38:37,212 --> 01:38:40,080
three, two...

2039
01:38:40,081 --> 01:38:43,517
Good evening, America.
After some time off,

2040
01:38:43,518 --> 01:38:47,187
it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.

2041
01:38:47,188 --> 01:38:50,491
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,

2042
01:38:50,492 --> 01:38:54,995
a cut-off penis,
a TV star and a car chase.

2043
01:38:54,996 --> 01:38:56,096
And throw it to the feed.

2044
01:38:58,332 --> 01:38:59,599
The only problem is...

2045
01:39:01,435 --> 01:39:03,136
What's he doing?
Ron, are you okay?

2046
01:39:04,004 --> 01:39:05,372
It's not news.
What?

2047
01:39:05,373 --> 01:39:06,672
Turn off the prompter.

2048
01:39:06,673 --> 01:39:09,343
<i>Ron, this is Kench. What the hell
do you think you're doing, mate?</i>

2049
01:39:09,344 --> 01:39:10,945
Just read what's in front of you,

2050
01:39:10,946 --> 01:39:13,314
<i>or I will ruin you! Don't!</i>

2051
01:39:13,315 --> 01:39:15,114
Don't! You leave
Kench inside your head!

2052
01:39:16,317 --> 01:39:19,253
God damn it!
He took out his earpiece.

2053
01:39:19,254 --> 01:39:21,421
You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,

2054
01:39:22,990 --> 01:39:26,359
but it's...
It's taken me until now

2055
01:39:27,328 --> 01:39:30,331
to realize what real news is.

2056
01:39:30,332 --> 01:39:33,300
Real news is supposed
to let people know

2057
01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:37,538
what the powerful are up to, so that,
that power doesn't become corrupt.

2058
01:39:37,539 --> 01:39:39,540
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?

2059
01:39:39,541 --> 01:39:42,142
Ugh! You piece of shit!

2060
01:39:42,143 --> 01:39:44,511
Shit. He's blowing
the whole thing up.

2061
01:39:44,512 --> 01:39:47,514
Recently, I've been on a
bit of a personal journey.

2062
01:39:47,515 --> 01:39:51,284
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.

2063
01:39:52,519 --> 01:39:55,055
I became blind.

2064
01:39:55,056 --> 01:39:57,658
I bottle-fed
and raised a shark.

2065
01:39:57,659 --> 01:40:01,061
And I smoked
a fair amount of crack.

2066
01:40:01,062 --> 01:40:03,082
But the most important thing
I've learned is that

2067
01:40:03,263 --> 01:40:06,233
there was an emptiness left

2068
01:40:06,234 --> 01:40:09,334
after turning my back on three of the
best friends anyone could ever ask for.

2069
01:40:09,603 --> 01:40:11,171
Hi, Ron!

2070
01:40:11,172 --> 01:40:13,207
So, if you'll excuse me,

2071
01:40:13,208 --> 01:40:15,576
I'm going to see
my child's recital

2072
01:40:15,577 --> 01:40:19,178
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.

2073
01:40:20,547 --> 01:40:23,416
Good night, America,
and never forget,

2074
01:40:24,318 --> 01:40:25,585
you deserve the truth.

2075
01:40:30,024 --> 01:40:33,560
Good. He's dead, done. Linda, <i>get
the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!</i>

2076
01:40:33,561 --> 01:40:35,362
He's coming back!

2077
01:40:35,363 --> 01:40:37,431
Oh, also, one other thing.

2078
01:40:37,432 --> 01:40:40,534
Koala Airlines is a
really shitty airline.

2079
01:40:40,535 --> 01:40:43,302
You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!

2080
01:40:47,641 --> 01:40:49,576
Guys, I'm sorry.

2081
01:40:49,577 --> 01:40:52,813
For a while there, I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.

2082
01:40:52,814 --> 01:40:55,181
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

2083
01:40:56,050 --> 01:40:57,551
Brian, I...

2084
01:40:57,552 --> 01:40:59,720
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.

2085
01:40:59,721 --> 01:41:01,722
It was excellent reporting.

2086
01:41:01,723 --> 01:41:05,159
And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those

2087
01:41:05,160 --> 01:41:08,594
offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.

2088
01:41:10,397 --> 01:41:12,533
Ron, you're a good man.

2089
01:41:12,534 --> 01:41:15,736
But you have fallen victim to
your own ego and your own hubris.

2090
01:41:15,737 --> 01:41:17,805
And before others
can forgive you,

2091
01:41:17,806 --> 01:41:19,267
you must learn
to forgive yourself.

2092
01:41:22,643 --> 01:41:24,445
What was that, Brick?

2093
01:41:24,446 --> 01:41:25,786
I'm wearing two pairs of pants.

2094
01:41:27,381 --> 01:41:28,649
Thank you.

2095
01:41:28,650 --> 01:41:30,517
So that's it, huh?

2096
01:41:30,518 --> 01:41:32,820
You're sorry?

2097
01:41:32,821 --> 01:41:35,823
You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.

2098
01:41:35,824 --> 01:41:37,724
Everyone's got one

2099
01:41:37,725 --> 01:41:40,506
and everyone's got a shoebox full
of Polaroids of them under the bed.

2100
01:41:41,295 --> 01:41:42,830
Ron, we're a team.

2101
01:41:42,831 --> 01:41:44,331
We need you.

2102
01:41:44,332 --> 01:41:45,731
Let him go, Champ.

2103
01:41:51,138 --> 01:41:52,338
Ron!

2104
01:41:53,207 --> 01:41:55,908
Long live Ron Burgundy!

2105
01:42:04,651 --> 01:42:07,220
I'm Brick Tamland for <i>GNN News.</i>

2106
01:42:08,355 --> 01:42:11,792
<i>The itsy bitsy spider</i>
<i>went up the water spout.</i>

2107
01:42:11,793 --> 01:42:14,361
You little hack!

2108
01:42:14,362 --> 01:42:17,431
Huh? Who the hell do you think you are?
After everything I've done for you,

2109
01:42:17,432 --> 01:42:19,366
this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!

2110
01:42:22,302 --> 01:42:24,204
Once again, Mr. Burgundy,

2111
01:42:24,205 --> 01:42:26,473
you are the ballsiest
white man I've ever known.

2112
01:42:26,474 --> 01:42:27,940
What the hell?

2113
01:42:29,143 --> 01:42:30,910
One more for old times' sake.

2114
01:42:37,284 --> 01:42:38,485
Thank you.

2115
01:42:38,486 --> 01:42:40,721
Is Dad going to come?

2116
01:42:40,722 --> 01:42:42,656
No, sweetheart,
Daddy has to work.

2117
01:42:42,657 --> 01:42:44,791
He's going to come.
I know it.

2118
01:42:44,792 --> 01:42:45,992
Taxi!

2119
01:42:46,793 --> 01:42:48,862
Taxi! Taxi!

2120
01:42:48,863 --> 01:42:50,631
Damn it!

2121
01:42:50,632 --> 01:42:52,299
It's so hard for a proud Mexican

2122
01:42:52,300 --> 01:42:53,733
to get a taxi in this city!

2123
01:42:54,468 --> 01:42:56,703
I need to see my son!

2124
01:42:56,704 --> 01:43:00,741
And now, to play an original composition
that he wrote for his father,

2125
01:43:00,742 --> 01:43:03,777
here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.

2126
01:43:12,553 --> 01:43:14,553
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!

2127
01:43:18,358 --> 01:43:19,358
What the hell?

2128
01:43:19,826 --> 01:43:21,460
Well, hello, Ron.

2129
01:43:21,895 --> 01:43:23,363
You out for a jog?

2130
01:43:23,364 --> 01:43:24,630
Jack Lime!

2131
01:43:25,899 --> 01:43:27,601
Where's everyone going?

2132
01:43:27,602 --> 01:43:29,436
Please. I don't have
time to talk, okay?

2133
01:43:29,437 --> 01:43:30,871
I have to be somewhere.

2134
01:43:30,872 --> 01:43:32,773
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be

2135
01:43:33,507 --> 01:43:35,374
because you pretty much
destroyed my career.

2136
01:43:36,310 --> 01:43:37,811
Do you realize what it did to me,

2137
01:43:37,812 --> 01:43:39,578
by making me
call myself Jack Lame?

2138
01:43:40,681 --> 01:43:42,515
It was a living hell!

2139
01:43:45,552 --> 01:43:48,655
I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!

2140
01:43:48,656 --> 01:43:50,323
Oh, don't worry.
Four against one.

2141
01:43:50,924 --> 01:43:52,358
This will be over fast.

2142
01:43:53,327 --> 01:43:54,827
Maybe not so fast!

2143
01:43:58,565 --> 01:44:00,599
My news team. Thank God!

2144
01:44:02,669 --> 01:44:04,738
Ain't a day that will be
or has been

2145
01:44:04,739 --> 01:44:07,608
that we don't have
Ron Burgundy's back.

2146
01:44:07,609 --> 01:44:09,443
Not a problem.
When I'm done with these mutts,

2147
01:44:09,444 --> 01:44:10,844
I'm gonna wipe my shoes
on the curb.

2148
01:44:10,845 --> 01:44:12,478
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

2149
01:44:12,846 --> 01:44:14,848
When I'm done with you,

2150
01:44:14,849 --> 01:44:17,651
my mom's going to pick
me up and take me home.

2151
01:44:17,652 --> 01:44:18,632
Wait!

2152
01:44:22,456 --> 01:44:24,324
Here's a headline for you.

2153
01:44:24,325 --> 01:44:26,994
"Moronic Yank Wankerman

2154
01:44:26,995 --> 01:44:30,530
"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader

2155
01:44:30,531 --> 01:44:32,899
"From a Superior Country."

2156
01:44:32,900 --> 01:44:36,503
For we are the BBC News Service.

2157
01:44:38,372 --> 01:44:39,973
No. Not now.

2158
01:44:39,974 --> 01:44:41,807
Fall back, fall back.

2159
01:44:45,479 --> 01:44:46,847
If y'all are gonna get down,

2160
01:44:46,848 --> 01:44:49,483
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.

2161
01:44:49,484 --> 01:44:50,916
What's MTV?

2162
01:44:51,852 --> 01:44:53,687
I think it's a venereal disease.

2163
01:44:53,688 --> 01:44:55,722
The most requested
video of the day?

2164
01:44:55,723 --> 01:44:58,558
A new band called Burgundy's
Sucking Chest Wound.

2165
01:45:04,965 --> 01:45:06,900
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.

2166
01:45:06,901 --> 01:45:09,469
And Wendy Van Peele
from <i>Entertainment News.</i>

2167
01:45:09,470 --> 01:45:11,972
Entertainment news
is an abomination!

2168
01:45:11,973 --> 01:45:14,741
Who are you wearing today?
Oh, look, it's your own blood!

2169
01:45:14,742 --> 01:45:16,510
Today's celebrity birthdays...
None.

2170
01:45:16,511 --> 01:45:17,744
Today's celebrity deaths...

2171
01:45:17,745 --> 01:45:19,111
All you dick-licks.

2172
01:45:21,782 --> 01:45:23,417
I like the way
they're put together.

2173
01:45:23,418 --> 01:45:25,018
I like fighting girls.

2174
01:45:25,019 --> 01:45:26,853
I like to cunt punt cowboys.

2175
01:45:26,854 --> 01:45:28,622
You eat pussy?
You're gonna.

2176
01:45:28,623 --> 01:45:31,091
Hey!

2177
01:45:31,092 --> 01:45:34,594
There's not gonna be any
fight without Scott Riles

2178
01:45:34,595 --> 01:45:36,797
and the incredibly polite
<i>Canadian News</i> team.

2179
01:45:38,700 --> 01:45:41,068
What about the
French-speaking <i>Quebec News?</i>

2180
01:45:41,069 --> 01:45:42,736
The real voice of Canada!

2181
01:45:42,737 --> 01:45:43,970
Give it a rest, eh?

2182
01:45:43,971 --> 01:45:46,606
Give me a break!
They can't have news.

2183
01:45:46,607 --> 01:45:48,075
Nothing happens in Canada!

2184
01:45:48,076 --> 01:45:51,284
We're gonna mop the floor with you!
We're gonna put the boots to you!

2185
01:45:51,410 --> 01:45:52,512
Sorry.
Sorry.

2186
01:45:52,513 --> 01:45:55,482
We're gonna gouge your eyes
out! And kick your head in!

2187
01:45:55,483 --> 01:45:56,917
Sorry!

2188
01:45:56,918 --> 01:45:58,517
I like your ginger ale!

2189
01:46:02,689 --> 01:46:05,092
Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.

2190
01:46:05,093 --> 01:46:07,694
Tonight's play of the day is me,

2191
01:46:07,695 --> 01:46:09,763
extracting your spine
from your dead body.

2192
01:46:09,764 --> 01:46:11,898
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!

2193
01:46:11,899 --> 01:46:14,668
It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.

2194
01:46:14,669 --> 01:46:17,938
Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.

2195
01:46:17,939 --> 01:46:20,774
Only news told much, much later.

2196
01:46:22,677 --> 01:46:25,746
Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson with you?

2197
01:46:25,747 --> 01:46:28,048
Yes, it is.
And the mighty Minotaur.

2198
01:46:29,650 --> 01:46:31,017
I don't know about this, man.

2199
01:46:31,018 --> 01:46:33,019
The Minotaur isn't even history!

2200
01:46:33,020 --> 01:46:35,756
He's mythology!

2201
01:46:35,757 --> 01:46:37,758
Let's not downplay the fact

2202
01:46:37,759 --> 01:46:40,727
that that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!

2203
01:46:40,728 --> 01:46:45,031
May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.

2204
01:46:45,032 --> 01:46:48,168
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?

2205
01:46:48,169 --> 01:46:50,103
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?

2206
01:46:50,104 --> 01:46:51,705
You're too old for this.

2207
01:46:51,706 --> 01:46:54,007
Well, you see, there's the thing.

2208
01:46:54,008 --> 01:46:57,077
When there's an early moon,

2209
01:46:57,078 --> 01:47:00,414
I almost feel
like a stallion again!

2210
01:47:00,415 --> 01:47:01,675
He's on our side, right, Ron?

2211
01:47:09,823 --> 01:47:11,090
He's a were-hyena!

2212
01:47:13,026 --> 01:47:15,162
I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.

2213
01:47:15,163 --> 01:47:17,096
All right, everyone, listen up!

2214
01:47:20,934 --> 01:47:24,104
By virtue of being
on this battlefield,

2215
01:47:24,105 --> 01:47:25,804
there is no return.

2216
01:47:27,073 --> 01:47:28,607
People will die.

2217
01:47:29,042 --> 01:47:30,544
I'm so horny right now.

2218
01:47:30,545 --> 01:47:32,679
Some will be disfigured.

2219
01:47:32,680 --> 01:47:36,649
In some cases, lasting
friendships will be made.

2220
01:47:37,484 --> 01:47:39,119
And as usual,

2221
01:47:39,120 --> 01:47:42,189
no touching of the hair and face.

2222
01:47:42,190 --> 01:47:44,191
Come on.
What do we look like, rookies?

2223
01:47:44,192 --> 01:47:45,659
Sorry.

2224
01:47:45,660 --> 01:47:47,861
When El Trousias,

2225
01:47:47,862 --> 01:47:51,198
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,

2226
01:47:51,199 --> 01:47:53,600
let the battle begin!

2227
01:47:53,601 --> 01:47:55,834
I am El Trousias!

2228
01:47:57,804 --> 01:47:59,905
Hear my siren song!

2229
01:48:04,479 --> 01:48:06,178
El Trousias...
The Juicies'. Hmm.

2230
01:48:11,551 --> 01:48:12,785
That means you can start.

2231
01:48:14,488 --> 01:48:16,221
Brick, what the hell is that?

2232
01:48:17,257 --> 01:48:18,925
It's a gun from the future.

2233
01:48:18,926 --> 01:48:21,061
No fair! He's got
a gun from the future!

2234
01:48:21,062 --> 01:48:24,363
Where did you get it from?

2235
01:48:38,144 --> 01:48:41,680
In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.

2236
01:48:44,684 --> 01:48:45,919
Huzzah!

2237
01:49:18,652 --> 01:49:20,053
Guess you didn't see that coming.

2238
01:49:20,054 --> 01:49:21,654
Twenty degrees right.

2239
01:49:22,556 --> 01:49:24,090
Fill that gap!

2240
01:49:24,091 --> 01:49:28,427
Fall upon your swords! Life
has no meaning!

2241
01:49:30,864 --> 01:49:34,033
There will be a mint julep
waiting on the other side, son.

2242
01:49:35,802 --> 01:49:37,436
Release your soul to me.

2243
01:49:55,989 --> 01:49:57,322
Sorry!

2244
01:49:58,124 --> 01:49:59,424
Sorry! Sorry!

2245
01:50:00,594 --> 01:50:02,055
Sex Panther powers activate.

2246
01:50:25,652 --> 01:50:27,754
It's the ghost of
Stonewall Jackson!

2247
01:50:27,755 --> 01:50:30,022
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!

2248
01:50:30,724 --> 01:50:33,159
Why do we have to fight?

2249
01:50:33,160 --> 01:50:34,780
There's so much
I could learn from you.

2250
01:50:43,103 --> 01:50:45,672
In the name
of Margaret Thatcher...

2251
01:50:45,673 --> 01:50:47,340
No!
I sentence you to death!

2252
01:50:47,341 --> 01:50:48,974
Please, no!

2253
01:50:49,776 --> 01:50:50,843
Oh!

2254
01:50:52,912 --> 01:50:54,413
What in the name of Dan Issel?

2255
01:50:56,850 --> 01:50:58,051
Gary!

2256
01:50:58,052 --> 01:50:59,318
Yes, Ron.

2257
01:51:00,920 --> 01:51:03,123
You and I never got along.

2258
01:51:03,124 --> 01:51:04,824
But using the power of my mind,

2259
01:51:04,825 --> 01:51:07,926
I was able to see in the
future that you would do good.

2260
01:51:09,295 --> 01:51:10,830
- Now, go.
- I knew it!

2261
01:51:10,831 --> 01:51:12,332
Go to your son's recital.

2262
01:51:12,333 --> 01:51:14,300
I knew you had mind powers!

2263
01:51:14,301 --> 01:51:16,736
And make it the greatest
day of your life!

2264
01:51:16,737 --> 01:51:18,905
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.

2265
01:51:18,906 --> 01:51:20,874
Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.

2266
01:51:20,875 --> 01:51:22,056
I repeat, cook these fools.

2267
01:51:33,787 --> 01:51:35,722
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!

2268
01:51:35,723 --> 01:51:37,390
Man, what a rush!

2269
01:51:37,391 --> 01:51:39,192
The monster's my friend!

2270
01:51:39,193 --> 01:51:40,959
Ron, we can still
make your kid's recital!

2271
01:51:42,362 --> 01:51:44,964
Hey, Ronny.

2272
01:51:44,965 --> 01:51:47,767
Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.

2273
01:51:47,768 --> 01:51:49,369
No! That is
out of the question!

2274
01:51:49,370 --> 01:51:50,804
We're outnumbered, Ron.

2275
01:51:50,805 --> 01:51:52,266
Foam the runway,
I'm coming in hot!

2276
01:52:04,718 --> 01:52:08,188
<i>♪ Old MacDonald had a farm</i>

2277
01:52:08,189 --> 01:52:10,890
And then four guys
on bikes showed up.

2278
01:52:10,891 --> 01:52:14,060
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!

2279
01:52:14,061 --> 01:52:15,228
Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?

2280
01:52:15,229 --> 01:52:16,963
This is a national news fight.

2281
01:52:16,964 --> 01:52:18,530
You made one mistake today.

2282
01:52:19,399 --> 01:52:21,133
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.

2283
01:52:21,935 --> 01:52:25,305
It's actually
pronounced San Diago.

2284
01:52:25,306 --> 01:52:27,406
Hell, Ron and I
may not agree on everything,

2285
01:52:28,475 --> 01:52:31,755
but we share the bond of being from the
greatest city in the history of this Earth.

2286
01:52:33,347 --> 01:52:35,482
Well, ain't that cute?

2287
01:52:35,483 --> 01:52:37,917
But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.

2288
01:52:37,918 --> 01:52:41,019
Why don't you go back to your mama?
Don't you use my mom's name in vain.

2289
01:52:42,222 --> 01:52:44,524
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman

2290
01:52:44,525 --> 01:52:46,760
who raised
seven children on her own

2291
01:52:46,761 --> 01:52:49,162
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.

2292
01:52:49,163 --> 01:52:51,129
She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.

2293
01:52:52,232 --> 01:52:55,135
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,

2294
01:52:55,136 --> 01:52:58,136
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.

2295
01:53:01,508 --> 01:53:04,344
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."

2296
01:53:04,345 --> 01:53:06,513
Well, you forgot
one thing, leatherman.

2297
01:53:06,514 --> 01:53:08,014
You drop that smoke,
you die, too.

2298
01:53:12,085 --> 01:53:13,625
With the things
I've done in my life,

2299
01:53:14,854 --> 01:53:16,455
oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.

2300
01:53:18,091 --> 01:53:20,259
So I sure as shit ain't
afraid to burn here on Earth.

2301
01:53:20,560 --> 01:53:22,896
Oh, my goodness!

2302
01:53:22,897 --> 01:53:24,798
That's the most badass
thing I have ever heard.

2303
01:53:25,231 --> 01:53:26,465
All right!

2304
01:53:28,134 --> 01:53:30,169
Looks like this fight's over.

2305
01:53:31,070 --> 01:53:32,237
Let's go, boys.

2306
01:53:33,540 --> 01:53:36,376
Yay! We won!
Let's celebrate!

2307
01:53:36,377 --> 01:53:38,278
Sparklers!

2308
01:53:38,279 --> 01:53:40,445
- No, no, no, no, Brick!
- No!

2309
01:54:04,504 --> 01:54:06,638
Bravo! Bravo.
Yeah. Whoo!

2310
01:54:08,942 --> 01:54:10,510
Dad!

2311
01:54:10,511 --> 01:54:12,511
Son, I fought
a Minotaur to be here.

2312
01:54:13,279 --> 01:54:14,981
And I'd do it again.

2313
01:54:14,982 --> 01:54:19,252
Dad! Together
we can defeat voodoo!

2314
01:54:19,253 --> 01:54:21,855
<i>Ron had finally</i>
<i>learned how to love his son</i>

2315
01:54:21,856 --> 01:54:24,122
<i>and his wife</i>
<i>more than his career.</i>

2316
01:54:25,458 --> 01:54:28,628
<i>And as it turned out,</i>
<i>his walking off the news</i>

2317
01:54:28,629 --> 01:54:31,463
<i>was the highest-rated</i>
<i>TV event of the year.</i>

2318
01:54:32,599 --> 01:54:35,201
<i>He and his news team,</i>
<i>along with Veronica,</i>

2319
01:54:35,202 --> 01:54:38,638
<i>could have any job they wanted.</i>

2320
01:54:38,639 --> 01:54:42,007
<i>But before that, they had one</i>
<i>little thing to take care of.</i>

2321
01:54:44,978 --> 01:54:49,249
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,

2322
01:54:49,250 --> 01:54:51,517
Brick and Chani
ask us to join them

2323
01:54:51,518 --> 01:54:53,285
as they exchange their vows.

2324
01:54:54,354 --> 01:54:56,055
My dearest Brick.

2325
01:54:56,056 --> 01:54:57,756
Everything I have is yours.

2326
01:54:58,658 --> 01:55:01,093
My four lawnmowers.
My sister.

2327
01:55:02,462 --> 01:55:06,466
My 35 ferrets. My massive student
loan and real estate debt.

2328
01:55:06,467 --> 01:55:07,566
It's all yours.

2329
01:55:09,502 --> 01:55:11,471
Oh, Chani.

2330
01:55:11,472 --> 01:55:14,974
I will never forget
the exact moment I saw you.

2331
01:55:14,975 --> 01:55:18,978
My pee-pee got all uncomfortable
in my pants, and I thought,

2332
01:55:18,979 --> 01:55:21,599
"Here comes the warm milkshake out
of the tip of my belly stick."

2333
01:55:25,184 --> 01:55:27,520
Wait! Look!

2334
01:55:27,521 --> 01:55:29,422
Walter, Walter, honey, shh!

2335
01:55:29,423 --> 01:55:31,289
Look in the water!

2336
01:55:31,691 --> 01:55:34,093
It's Doby!

2337
01:55:34,094 --> 01:55:35,361
Oh, my God.

2338
01:55:35,362 --> 01:55:38,598
It's Doby! Doby!

2339
01:55:38,599 --> 01:55:40,532
Ron, what are you doing?
He's not your friend!

2340
01:55:40,700 --> 01:55:42,167
Doby!

2341
01:55:42,702 --> 01:55:44,736
Ron! That's a shark!

2342
01:55:45,371 --> 01:55:47,305
He will eat you!

2343
01:55:48,107 --> 01:55:50,675
<i>♪ Old friends</i>

2344
01:55:52,478 --> 01:55:54,047
<i>♪ Old friends</i>

2345
01:55:54,048 --> 01:55:55,414
Doby!

2346
01:55:56,582 --> 01:56:00,352
<i>♪ Sat on their park bench</i>
<i>like bookends ♪</i>

2347
01:56:01,120 --> 01:56:02,622
Oh, my God!

2348
01:56:02,623 --> 01:56:04,089
The shark actually
recognizes him!

2349
01:56:06,560 --> 01:56:08,300
Nope. He's
viciously attacking him.

2350
01:56:09,128 --> 01:56:12,465
Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!

2351
01:56:12,466 --> 01:56:14,701
<i>If a man dies</i>
<i>with love in his heart,</i>

2352
01:56:14,702 --> 01:56:16,669
<i>does he truly die?</i>

2353
01:56:16,670 --> 01:56:18,438
<i>Absolutely!</i>

2354
01:56:18,439 --> 01:56:21,140
<i>But on this day,</i>
<i>Ron Burgundy's grapple</i>

2355
01:56:21,141 --> 01:56:23,242
<i>with this denizen from the deep</i>

2356
01:56:23,243 --> 01:56:26,512
<i>was halted by 28 pounds
of furry providence.</i>

2357
01:56:31,451 --> 01:56:32,517
I bottle-fed you!

2358
01:56:35,588 --> 01:56:36,655
Baxter!

2359
01:56:43,763 --> 01:56:45,130
Baxter!

2360
01:56:45,765 --> 01:56:49,469
Baxter! Ah, yes!

2361
01:56:52,472 --> 01:56:56,541
I know, I know, I love you, too.

2362
01:56:58,612 --> 01:57:00,278
Oh. Come on.

2363
02:02:28,574 --> 02:02:29,841
All right, let's do it.

2364
02:02:31,944 --> 02:02:33,612
You guys think...

2365
02:02:33,613 --> 02:02:35,681
I don't know
how to use a computer.

2366
02:02:35,682 --> 02:02:38,351
Hey, fellas. I just saw
Jack Lime out there.

2367
02:02:38,352 --> 02:02:40,452
He's a goddamn iceman.

2368
02:02:40,953 --> 02:02:42,687
Scared the crap out of me.

2368
02:02:43,305 --> 02:02:49,182
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