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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
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Careful, Tucker!
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The floor is hot lava !
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You can't touch the ground
or you'll burn up!
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We got to get to Craig's room
to get the treasure before we burn up.
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What's the treasure?
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Craig just got
a Michael Jordan rookie card,
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and it cost him, like, 100 bucks!
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Did you know that in
Michael Jordan's first year with the Bulls,
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-Michael Jordan had 138 rebounds?
-Yeah.
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Do you know who the Bulls
rebound leader is, though?
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-Yeah, Scottie Pippen.
-Yeah.
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Where's the card?
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lt's in the closet in a shoebox.
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He's got the Michael Jordan rookie card
and a Hank Aaron card.
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lt's not in mint condition,
but it's a good card.
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-Oh, my God!
-What?
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Your brother's got a Playboy!
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No, he doesn't! What's a Playboy?
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A magazine with naked ladies!
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What? He doesn't have that.
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Look!
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Dude, l think your brother
can go to jail for this.
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Shut up! Don't open it!
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ls that what girls look like?
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They look so weird.
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How do they pee?
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lt must come out of those.
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Gross!
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Oh, my God. Look at that one.
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Tucker, you stepped in hot lava !
You're on fire!
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Whatever.
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Oh, my God!
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Look at the ass on that thing!
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-Hello!
-What?
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You could bounce a quarter off
that sweet turd-cutter!
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Tucker, stop it!
That's Eleanore, our friend!
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Her mom's my piano teacher.
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Oh, man!
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l want her to French kiss my dick so bad.
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Oh, my God!
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Look at this!
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Jenny's tits are the exact same size
as Miss November's!
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l don't care.
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This means that this is what Jenny
looks like naked.
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-That's amazing.
-That is amazing.
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-Hi, Stacy.
-Drop dead.
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-Hi, Sheila.
-Eat me, Tucker.
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Set the time and place!
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The two of you can eat shit and die.
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Sheila ! Thank you.
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You know she's friends with Cindi.
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Now she's gonna tell her.
l'm gonna hear all about this. Good job.
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Relax. Your girlfriend's gonna know
it wasn't you. She knows your deal.
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Hey, Candace, looking good!
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Heard you went on the pill!
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What the fuck did you just say to me?
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Nothing. l didn't say anything.
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Candace, sorry l won't go out with you.
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l just.. . l don't dig handicapped chicks.
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l have epilepsy, you limp-dicked shit!
l'm not handicapped. lt's a condition.
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Tucker,
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if you so much as make eye contact
with me again, my brother will kill you.
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He's a firefighter, and they're crazy!
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Okay, okay! Deal. Deal. Deal.
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Jesus. What a bitch.
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-What was that?
-Nothing.
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l didn't say anything.
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Man, why do you even do these sermons?
They don't even pay you.
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Tucker, l have told you.
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They're not sermons. They're seminars.
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And l do them because l believe in them,
and l think kids need to hear this message.
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l wish my brother
had a seminar like this.
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And now l'd like to bring up
Eugene Bell and Cindi Whitehall,
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a young couple who will be graduating
from our high school this year.
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Let's give a nice, warm
Jefferson County Middle School welcome
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to Eugene and Cindi.
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Come on.
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Hey, gang! We're here today
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to talk to you about one of the most
important decisions that you can make.
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Now, l know at your age
you guys probably think
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all the older guys and gals
are out there having sex.
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But Cindi and l have been in a relationship
for two and a half years now
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and we have decided
to save ourselves for marriage.
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That's right, Eugene.
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We have a happy, healthy romance,
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and we don't need intercourse
to prove that.
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l'd like to tell you guys a story
right now if l can.
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This is a true story
that happened to my older brother Craig.
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Craig was a nice normal kid,
just like me or you.
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Then, one night,
he and his girlfriend of two years
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decided to go all the way.
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lt was Craig's first time having sex,
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and he thought, ''Hey, what's
the worst thing that could happen?''
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He thought
they were sharing something very special,
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but what she was sharing with him
was syphilis!
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He got syphilis.
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Then she got pregnant,
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and because she smoked cigarettes,
the baby came out a crackhead.
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The once-happy couple soon broke up.
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Craig had to drop out of high school
and work two jobs,
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so he could keep up with the child support
payments and the medical bills.
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But it didn't stop there.
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One afternoon, while my mother
was babysitting for Craig,
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the baby set the house on fire.
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Because he was a crackhead.
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My mother and little nephew
died in that blaze.
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And the grief from that,
along with the advanced stages of syphilis
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which put an enormous amount
of pressure on Craig's frontal lobe,
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drove him insane.
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Today, Eugene's brother
sits in a padded cell,
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doing nothing but eating his own feces
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and regretting the one time
that he had sex.
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Here, buddy.
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Lights, please.
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This is a venereal disease!
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-Hey.
-Hey. l'm in the tree.
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-Hey.
-Hi.
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-Are your parents asleep?
-Yeah, they just went to bed.
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Hey, so Tucker told me about
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this awesome party this weekend
after the dance.
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l think we should totally go.
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You want to go to a party
with Tucker after prom?
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Yeah. l mean, that's what people do, right?
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Eugene, did you think
about what we talked about?
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Yeah, you know, l did think about it,
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but, like, l think
l need a little bit more time
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just to work everything out in my head.
Like, a month or just a couple of weeks,
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'cause there's, like, a lot of factors.. .
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Eugene, l love you.
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We've been going out
for two and a half years.
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l think we're ready.
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That's what Chandra said to Craig.
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Will you stop talking
about your crazy brother?
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That was a fluke.
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My younger sister has sex all the time,
and neither of her babies are crackheads.
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Cindi, l can't believe
what l'm hearing right now.
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What about the seminar?
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What about everything we said
to those kids this afternoon?
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l don't think that 15-year-old kids
should be having sex.
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You have to wait
until you find that special someone.
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But, Eugene, you are my special someone.
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And if l'm not yours,
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then l think that we have a whole
other set of problems to worry about.
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l'm gonna go to bed. l'll call you tomorrow.
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Cindi, wait.
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l'll have sex with you on prom night.
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You promise?
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l promise l'll have sex with you
on prom night.
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-l love you, Eugene.
-l love you, Cindi.
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Fuck. Fuck.
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-Hello?
-Dude!
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-Five hours till you're chode deep!
-Yes, l know that. Thank you.
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-Are you psyched? Are you psyched?
-Yes, l'm very psyched.
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-Did you shave your cock yet?
-What?
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You gotta shave your cock.
lt makes it look bigger.
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-Really? l'm not shaving my cock!
-You have to!
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What, are you just gonna have
shaved balls and a hairy cock?
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That's gonna look weird.
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-l'm not shaving my balls, either.
-Oh, my God.
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Tucker, l've got this, okay?
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Eugene, no, you don't got this.
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Look, man,
l've already slept with 12 women.
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That's punishable by stoning
in some countries.
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-That's great, Tucker.
-That is great.
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And l've only been having sex
for two years. That's six women a year!
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Do you know what that means?
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That means in 10 years,
l'll have banged, like, 600 chicks!
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Look, did you get the limo?
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l'm supposed to pick Cindi up
in half an hour.
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Horsedick.MPEG has got it.
He's picking you up.
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Who is Horsedick.MPEG?
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Oh, that's Phil, man. That's his MC name.
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00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,069
-Phil's MC name is Horsedick?
-.MPEG.
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.MPEG. That is so ridiculous.
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Dude, you are so white.
And what's with this attitude?
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This is gonna be
the best night of your life!
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Look, l'm not even sure
l'm ready to be doing this, okay?
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Do you have any helpful advice?
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Do you have any tips on how l can make
this a wonderful, romantic night for Cindi
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and everything she wants it to be?
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-Shave your cock.
-Yeah.
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00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,354
Hold on, l think the limo is here.
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You gotta be kidding me.
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Man, l ain't seen this motherfucker,
like, for 1 1 years or some shit!
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Yeah, l didn't know they let people
that dropped out of high school
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go to prom.
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You're something! You're something!
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00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,718
No, Crystal's still in high school.
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00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,268
l also didn't know
they let freshmen go to prom.
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00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,716
Well, they gonna let us in there
when Horsedick.MPEG rolls up!
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00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,268
l'm about to sign me a record deal!
193
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,638
Horsedick's got a song on the lnternet!
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00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,709
The lnternet. Wow.
195
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,110
Do you know how many motherfuckers
use the lnternet?
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00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,074
l know a lot do.
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00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,229
Half of them !
198
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,788
l'm talking about thousands
and thousands of motherfuckers, man!
199
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,475
And now my shit is up there!
We celebrating!
200
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,190
-Hey, Horsedick?
-.MPEG!
201
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,478
.MPEG, sorry.
202
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,190
Would you mind turning the music down
just a little bit?
203
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,713
'Cause we're almost
to my girlfriend's house.
204
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,473
You can't turn Horsedick.MPEG down!
205
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,074
This is my shit! l made this!
206
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,999
l made this.
207
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:37,477
l made this shit right here. This is my shit!
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00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,595
-Hi, Cindi. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Whitehall.
-Hi.
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00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,598
That's some ride you've got there, Eugene.
210
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,634
Thank you.
211
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,757
So, there won't be any drinking
going on tonight, will there?
212
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,910
-Dad.
-No, sir! Not at all!
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00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,230
Let me get a picture of the two of you!
214
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,714
Horsedick, you are nasty!
215
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,314
Hey, Daddy.
216
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,719
Come on.. .
217
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,439
l'm sorry.
218
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:13,035
l'm sure this is not as romantic
as you'd probably envisioned the prom.
219
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,073
Hey, everybody!
220
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,709
Denise is so wasted,
she's blowing Brian in the den!
221
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,750
l'm gonna go get the keys
to the master bedroom.
222
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,554
Okay.
223
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,356
-Okay!
-Meet me upstairs in five minutes?
224
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:29,429
Sure.
225
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:31,909
Sure.
226
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,835
Dude! Where's Cindi?
Shouldn't you be banging her out by now?
227
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,718
l'm about to bang her out.
She just went upstairs.
228
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,030
Yet you look like you're going to a funeral.
229
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,793
Tucker, l'm just dealing with this
in my own way, all right?
230
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,553
''Dealing with this''?
You're not going upstairs to have surgery!
231
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,791
You're going upstairs to have sex!
With a girl!
232
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,110
And, yeah, she may not be
the most attractive girl in school,
233
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,713
but she's a solid, solid seven!
234
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,237
What? She's a seven?
235
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,912
Look, you've already decided to do this.
236
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,230
So you can go and trudge through it
like it's a chore
237
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:10,394
and end up hurting her feelings,
or you can go enjoy yourself and have sex!
238
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,119
l know. l know.
239
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,952
Look, most guys
end up losing their virginity
240
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,031
to some sort of stripper
or one-night stand.
241
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,554
You're lucky enough to have it be
with a girl that you actually love
242
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,392
and loves you back!
243
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,238
You're right. You're right.
244
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,230
And that means she may let you do anal.
245
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,676
Thank you, Tucker. That was actually.. .
That was oddly helpful.
246
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,433
All right. l'm gonna do it.
l'm gonna go up. l'm gonna do it.
247
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,555
-Yeah!
-l'm gonna do it now!
248
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,755
-All right!
-l'm gonna have sex!
249
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,512
-Yes, you are!
-Okay.
250
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,475
-Oh, my God, l'm nervous.
-That, too, l can help you out with.
251
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,471
-A little whiskey always calms the nerves.
-Cheers!
252
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,393
You should probably have one more
since this is your first time,
253
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,550
'cause you'll explode
as soon as you get it in there.
254
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:53,789
You got to numb the senses.
255
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,075
Really? That makes sense.
256
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,516
-l am gonna do it!
-Go for it, Eugene!
257
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:07,993
-But one more for good luck.
-Yeah! Good luck to me for having sex!
258
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:15,108
The next time you see me, l will be a man!
259
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,431
Go get 'em, Eugene! Wait!
That's not the hallway!
260
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,068
Eugene!
261
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,148
Pwned!
262
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,480
Okay, buddy. Now, just hold still.
263
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,833
l have an idea.
264
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,552
And wake up!
265
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,838
-l knew it! l knew it would work!
-What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
266
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,069
You're alive!
267
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,758
What the fuck is going on?
268
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,831
You probably can't move yet, Eugene.
You have atrophy!
269
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,673
Why can't l move?
Why can't l move and hurt you?
270
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,070
Because you haven't used your body
in, like, four years! You gotta take it easy!
271
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,754
Tucker, what's happening? Why am l here?
272
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,479
You fell down the stairs after prom
and were in a coma for four years,
273
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,552
and then l saved your life,
because l'm a genius!
274
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,512
-You! l told you, no hit mister with the bat!
-Juanita, l brought him back to life!
275
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,431
l told you the bat trick would work.
276
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,435
What the fuck is going on?
277
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,511
Eugene, don't do that!
You'll over-exert yourself!
278
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:41,748
You're pooping.
279
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,200
Your body
is in an extreme state of atrophy,
280
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,555
but you're in surprisingly good shape
281
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:55,074
for someone who's been in a coma
for four years.
282
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,720
You healed from all the damage
you received in your initial fall,
283
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:01,554
so all that you'll need to recover from
is from the effects of the coma itself.
284
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,358
What about my face?
285
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,111
Yes, well, your nose was broken
by the force of the baseball bat,
286
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,510
and the frontal palate of your skull
has some pretty bad fractures,
287
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,795
but we've set most of that.
288
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,832
You were hit pretty hard, though.
289
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,190
But you'll find over time
290
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,875
that your muscle strength will return,
as well as bowel control.
291
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,750
Until then, it's best to avoid
strenuous situations.
292
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,751
That's why you pooped.
293
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,838
Yeah. Yeah, you did.
294
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,158
A lot. Lots of poop.
295
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,831
Like, almost four years worth of poop.
296
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,029
Should call you poopy pants.
Mr. Poopy Pants.
297
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,030
Sorry. Anyway, l'll let you get some rest.
298
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:53,715
l'm sure you and your friend
have some catching up to do.
299
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,392
And, Tucker?
300
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,277
-Off the record.
-Yeah?
301
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,672
l like your style.
302
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,870
l can't believe l've been here for four years.
303
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,474
Yeah. You gotta watch
where you're walking.
304
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,550
lt doesn't feel like four years ago.
305
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,871
l feel like just five seconds ago
l was getting wasted with you
306
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,235
and going upstairs to have sex.
307
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,277
Wait a minute.
How come just you're here?
308
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,590
Where's Cindi? Where's my dad?
309
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,594
His job moved him down to Florida.
310
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:31,319
What? He left me in the hospital?
311
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,029
Well, dude, you were a vegetable.
Besides, he still has an apartment here.
312
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,439
What about Cindi?
313
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:37,999
l don't know where she is.
314
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,149
Give me your cell phone.
315
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,596
No, like, l don't know where she is.
She moved after graduation.
316
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,240
-She left me, too?
-You were a vegetable.
317
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,673
Then how come you're still here?
318
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,671
'Cause we're homies, dude. Lock it up.
319
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,637
l can't believe
she would just leave me like that.
320
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,030
Well, she was around for a little while,
but then she got into college
321
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,793
and it really didn't look like
you were gonna wake up.
322
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,952
l mean, it took me four years
to figure out the bat trick.
323
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,031
You know, l tried to look her up
about a year or so ago,
324
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:06,113
but she dropped out after freshman year,
and the trail goes cold.
325
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,436
Tucker, l appreciate you being here.
l really do.
326
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,557
But l think, right now,
l just need to be alone for a while.
327
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,632
Okay, man. l'll check on you tomorrow.
328
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,870
Besides, l got a date with the old lady.
329
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,520
Wait. You have a girlfriend?
330
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,592
Well, l'm not the kind of guy
that gets chained down to one woman,
331
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,910
but lately l've been banging Candace.
332
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,473
That crazy handicapped chick?
333
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,313
Hey! Epilepsy, dude. lt's a condition.
334
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,233
Plus, it's kind of hot. She, like, vibrates.
335
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,515
Nice.
336
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,079
All right.
337
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,792
Okay. Looking good. Looking good.
338
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,394
Bobby, do you want to sit up real straight
for me, there?
339
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,550
-Sit up straight, sweetie.
-All right.
340
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:53,189
Everybody say, ''Fuzzy pickles! ''
341
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,157
-Fuzzy pickles!
-Fuzzy pickles!
342
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,912
That was great. That was great.
343
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,678
l'm gonna try one more, and let me
work with Mommy for a second.
344
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,830
All right, let's see.
345
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,356
Let's brush some of this hair
away from Mommy's neck
346
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,668
to bring out Mommy's pretty neck.
347
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,433
That's good. That's good. Okay.
348
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,559
Let's have a couple wisps hang down
here by the nape of the neck.
349
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,551
That's good. That looks great.
There we go.
350
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,918
And, here, position three-quarters there,
like that. Okay? Like that.
351
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,358
That's good. That's good.
There, like that and.. .
352
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,556
Okay, okay.
Okay, that's enough play for me, pal.
353
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,474
Get 'em up there. lt's gonna be good.
All right, stay like that!
354
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:37,159
lt's gonna be good. Okay, now,
everybody say, ''Mommy's a vision! ''
355
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,878
Mommy's a vision!
356
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,359
Do not run away.
Hey, this is big-time stuff! Big-time!
357
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,112
Mr. Biederman is extremely upset!
358
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,111
He says he brings his family in
for a nice innocent photo,
359
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,031
and you turn that
into soft-core pornography!
360
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,031
He's crazy. l think he does drugs.
361
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,111
Yeah, well, he said
that you unbuttoned his wife's shirt.
362
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,191
He said that you handed her
your phone number as she was leaving!
363
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,111
l mean, what the ''H'', bro? Come on!
364
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,510
-Some mail came for you, Tucker.
-Sweet! New Playboy!
365
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,670
How many times have l told you
not to have that delivered here?
366
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:06,719
About a million? Why doesn't anybody
listen to me ever? Jesus!
367
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,360
-Oh, my God!
-What?
368
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,472
Pack your bags, Eugene. l found her.
369
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,118
No, no, no! You cannot be here!
370
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,594
-l found Cindi.
-What? Where?
371
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,079
Right there.
372
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,678
l can't believe Cindi would do this!
373
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,990
She's changed, man. She's all growed up.
374
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,550
The girl next door
is now one of the Girls Next Door.
375
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,837
Oh, my God!
lt says one of her likes is sex on the beach!
376
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,070
Well, calm down.
That could just be the drink.
377
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,277
Tucker, do you think
that Cindi's still a virgin?
378
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:43,713
Let's see.
379
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,239
No, afraid not.
380
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,435
Oh, my God!
381
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:53,080
-This is perfect.
-How is this perfect?
382
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,630
This Saturday
is Playboy's annual anniversary bash!
383
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:57,755
So?
384
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,912
So this Saturday all the Playmates,
including Cindi,
385
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,877
are gonna be at the Playboy Mansion
386
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,350
mingling with guests,
sipping slightly alcoholic beverages.. .
387
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,959
-Yeah, but, Tucker.. .
-Dude, this is meant to be!
388
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,235
What are the odds that this issue
would come out right now,
389
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:13,639
as you're getting out of your coma?
390
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,995
-Yeah, l guess.
-This is true love speaking, Eugene!
391
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,355
True love doesn't speak often,
but it's speaking to us right now,
392
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,510
and it's telling us
to go to the Playboy Mansion!
393
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,955
Yeah, but, Tucker,
l can't even walk here, man.
394
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,792
Well, you're getting
a little better every day, right?
395
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,871
-Yeah.
-All right, so the party is Saturday night.
396
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,712
That means we have to catch a plane
Saturday morning.
397
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,349
lt's Thursday today, so that gives us
three days to get you on your feet.
398
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,237
Think you can do it?
399
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,515
-l can try.
-Yes! That's the spirit!
400
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,636
We're going to the Playboy Mansion!
401
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,950
Yeah! Playboy!
402
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,077
Mister, you have a telephone call
from a Mr. Bell.
403
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,597
-Dad?
-Eugene? Hey, sport!
404
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:30,669
Hey, Dad.
405
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,991
l can't tell you how glad l was when
they told me you came out of that coma.
406
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,719
That's great! That's really great!
407
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,997
Yeah. lt's been weird here.
408
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:41,793
This actually works out great
409
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,077
'cause l'm gonna be up there in town
in a few weeks on business.
410
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,754
-ln a few weeks?
-That's right, buddy.
411
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,476
Wait a minute, l'm getting another call.
412
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,437
You know what? lt's Japan.
l'm gonna have to take this.
413
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,399
Okay. Okay, but in a few weeks
we'll catch up.. .
414
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,757
-What?
-Oh, shit. ls this still Eugene? Hold on.
415
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:18,516
Wow! This is, like, the nicest place
you've ever taken me to, Tucker.
416
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,194
Yeah, they don't even have
a drive-through.
417
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,157
Sir, may l help you?
418
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,994
Yeah, we'll take a plate of Tater Tots,
and Jager?
419
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,640
-Two Jagers.
-Excellent choice, sir.
420
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,075
Candace, want to get your picture
taken with the waiter?
421
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,388
Could l?
422
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,315
Come on, closer. And.. .
423
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,388
-Awesome!
-Very good.
424
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:49,790
So, Tucker,
l got you an anniversary present.
425
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,595
l know, l'm sorry.
l know how you feel about that term,
426
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,069
but it was 13 months ago tonight that.. .
427
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,993
That we did each other for the first time.
428
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,597
Yes, that we did each other
for the first time.
429
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,468
This is just a little something to say
that it's been a great 13 months.
430
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,597
-Thank you.
-Cool! A card!
431
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,399
ls there a check?
432
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:17,029
No, there's no check.
lt's an anniversary card.
433
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,430
You got me the Black Billiard!
434
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,432
This is just like the pipe
that Hugh Hefner used to smoke.
435
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:27,714
l know.
436
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:35,273
Candace, you're, like, so totally
the coolest girl in the world.
437
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,357
So, where are we going after this?
438
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,590
Don't you worry about it, babe.
l got it all planned out.
439
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,955
Tonight is gonna be awesome.
440
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,959
What was that? What? Who is there?
441
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,399
What the fuck?
442
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,909
-Tucker?
-We gotta go, man! Get your stuff!
443
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,672
What are you talking about?
What's going on?
444
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,274
-We gotta go! Now! Now! Now!
-We're not leaving till Saturday!
445
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,271
-Plans change!
-l'm not ready!
446
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:12,439
No, no! You can't be here!
He's stealing the mister!
447
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,158
Tucker, what the fuck is going on?
448
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,719
We need to get out of town!
l'll explain in the car.
449
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:16,789
Get out of town?
450
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,030
There he is! That son of a bitch!
451
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,678
-Detour, Eugene.
-Let me at him !
452
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,391
You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!
A dead man!
453
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:26,629
Mister!
454
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,188
Tucker, what the hell is happening?
455
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:30,949
Jesus!
456
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,950
-There's a ramp right there!
-No time for the ramp!
457
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,758
Hey, hey, take it easy. Hey!
458
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,431
Tucker, l can't even walk here!
459
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,398
lf l take a shit in your car,
it's gonna be a pretty short trip!
460
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:48,472
Stop! You can't take the mister!
He's not ready!
461
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,791
Bye, Juanita !
l'll bring him back in one piece!
462
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,999
Okay, Tucker, what is going on?
What's wrong with your balls?
463
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:12,036
l gotta get rid of this cell phone.
They can track it.
464
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:13,599
What are you talking about?
What's going on?
465
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,318
Slow down and tell me what happened!
466
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,868
l had a problem with Candace.
467
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,155
Obviously. What kind of problem?
468
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,515
Well, it was
the 13-month anniversary of when
469
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,556
-Candace and l first started boning.
-Okay.
470
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,790
So l wanted to do something
really nice and special.
471
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,871
So we got tanked
at this really nice restaurant,
472
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,076
and then ditched out on the check.
473
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,310
Then we poured some Maker's
into a big three-liter of Coke
474
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,595
and did a buttload of donuts
in the Wendy's parking lot.
475
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,352
lt was pretty sweet.
476
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,796
Everything was going great.
Then l went to give her her present.
477
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:42,836
Come into the living room.
l got you something.
478
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,155
Tucker, that's so sweet.
What is it? What is it?
479
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,393
-A pole?
-A stripper pole.
480
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,198
A stripper pole?
481
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,352
-Happy 13 months boning!
-Tucker.
482
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:02,399
Come on, go do a dance.
Do, like, a sexy strip dance or something.
483
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,079
l don't know.
484
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,798
Miss January of this year said that
485
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,110
90% of the reason
that relationships fall apart
486
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,998
is because people don't
spice up the bedroom.
487
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,548
-We're in the living room.
-l know.
488
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,876
Come on, give it a spin.
489
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,910
Come on. Yeah, there you go.
490
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:50,799
Yeah, go on.
491
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:04,233
Go on.
492
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,754
So, anyway,
then she kind of started to get into it.
493
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,990
You look so awesome right now.
494
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,550
Then she started to, like, really get into it.
Man, it was awesome!
495
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,757
She was whipping her hair around,
sticking her butt up in the air.
496
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:35,995
Okay.
497
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,719
Then she started to go downtown,
if you know what l mean.
498
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,158
Yeah, l know what you mean.
499
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:50,711
That feels good!
500
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,749
That's great. That's awesome.
501
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,196
Man, it was great. Perfect form.
Lots of tongue.
502
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,794
Hey, check it out! Strobe lights!
503
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,357
You're biting! You're biting!
Candace! Candace, you're biting!
504
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:11,797
You're biting! You're biting!
Candace, you're biting me! Candace!
505
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:14,435
l don't know.
Candace must just hate strobe lights.
506
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,318
Tucker, that was probably the epilepsy.
507
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:18,628
Don't make jokes, man.
508
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:23,518
l didn't know what to do, so l panicked
and l grabbed a fork off the counter
509
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,916
and l stabbed her in the face!
510
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,036
-Oh, my God!
-l know!
511
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:29,439
l didn't know what to do! l panicked!
512
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,153
So you stabbed her?
513
00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:33,231
l thought she was gonna
bite my dick clear off!
514
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,356
-Oh, my God!
-l know!
515
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,394
No wonder she looked so pissed off.
516
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,040
Okay, that's terrible, but why
do we have to get out of town like this?
517
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,839
Oh, no! Her brother!
518
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,480
You're gonna die tonight, Tucker Cleigh!
519
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,589
Her brother's a fireman!
520
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,114
Have you ever met one of them?
They're crazy!
521
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,472
They must have put
an APB out on my plates!
522
00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:58,754
What?
523
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,431
Roll up your window!
Roll up your window!
524
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,558
What's he gonna do now?
525
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,116
Tucker, do something!
526
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,195
Stupid firemen.
Can't turn their trucks around.
527
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:53,395
Oh, my God.
528
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,073
Okay, Tucker,
have you put any thought into this at all?
529
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:11,912
The Playboy Mansion's
on the other side of the country.
530
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,149
That's a long way to drive.
531
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:15,117
Well, the country is, like, what,
10 states wide?
532
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,556
And each state is roughly 100 miles
across, so that's, like, 1,000 miles.
533
00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:22,235
We're moving at 60 miles an hour.
We should be there in, like, 600 minutes.
534
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,356
Okay. Well, not one part of that
was correct, so let me ask you this.
535
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,750
Have you thought about how we're gonna
get into the mansion once we arrive?
536
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,477
lma 'love a white girl
lma 'love a white girl
537
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:35,675
lma 'love a white girl
538
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,194
-Wait a minute. ls this Horsedick?
-.MPEG.
539
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,078
.MPEG. Did he change his lyrics?
540
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,879
Yeah, this is the radio-friendly version.
541
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,439
Wait a minute. Horsedick's on the radio?
542
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,876
Yeah, man. He blew up!
He's, like, the biggest star on the planet.
543
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,520
They even play his song
during Monday Night Football.
544
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:53,795
l'm asleep for four years,
my dad moves out of town,
545
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,235
my girlfriend's in Playboy,
and your stupid friend is famous.
546
00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:59,392
Yep. lt's kind of like
when Han got unfrozen in Jedi.
547
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,395
Yeah, it is exactly like
when Han got unfrozen in Jedi.
548
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,074
Yo, what's up, what's up, everybody?
You know who that was!
549
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,993
Horsedick.MPEG with the track
lma' Love a White Girl
550
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:11,868
off his multi-platinum CD Donkey Dong!
Pick it up if you ain't heard!
551
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,636
Wait a minute. lf Horsedick's, like,
the most famous person in the world,
552
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,473
then he could get
into the Playboy Mansion, right?
553
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,199
Oh, yeah. He could just walk right in.
554
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,914
We should totally get Horsedick.MPEG
to get us in. He lives in Chicago.
555
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,399
He's always trying to get me
to come up and visit.
556
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,869
He'd be totally down
to fly us out to L.A . and hook us up.
557
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,632
Good idea, Tucker.
558
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,756
Okay. Well, at least we have
a plan now. Horsedick.
559
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:47,114
That's our plan. Horsedick.
560
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:48,838
-.MPEG.
-.MPEG.
561
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,709
All points bulletin.
Be on the lookout for a Tucker Cleigh.
562
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:58,920
White male, 6'5'', no visible tattoos.
Last seen April 1 7.
563
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,435
l just can't believe
the firemen were that angry.
564
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,159
Dude, firemen
breathe noxious fumes all day.
565
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:07,196
lt's their job. lt makes them psycho.
566
00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:09,639
l guess that makes sense.
567
00:34:09,720 --> 00:34:12,518
Trust me, dude. Firemen are bad news.
568
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,994
Hey, Tucker, l don't really
want to go in there dressed like this.
569
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:20,278
Can you get me, like, a shirt, some pants,
and l think a hoodie would be good.
570
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:22,157
Sure, no sweat.
Just fill her up for me, all right?
571
00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:24,800
What? No. Tucker.
572
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:26,472
l have atrophy!
573
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:54,553
Ridiculous.
574
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:21,435
Hugh.
575
00:36:08,720 --> 00:36:10,278
Hey, this is Candace.
576
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:11,793
l can't come to the phone right now
577
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,475
because l'm out hunting down
my piece of shit boyfriend!
578
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,152
Leave a message.
579
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,959
Hi, Candace.
That's a pretty funny message.
580
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:30,351
Look, l just wanted to call
and talk about what you did.
581
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:36,393
l want you to know
that l'm not mad at you,
582
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:41,031
and l realize that you seemed a little
583
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:43,755
cross,
584
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:46,832
and l may have overreacted a little bit
to you biting me.
585
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:50,276
But you know how l am.
586
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:55,271
My brain just shuts down whenever
l feel like l'm close to getting some.
587
00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:59,398
Anyway, l just.. .
588
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:05,110
l hope this doesn't get in the way of us
hooking up and hanging out and stuff,
589
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,392
'cause l really like doing that.
590
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:15,837
l mean,
not like we are exclusive or anything.
591
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:20,397
By the way, did your answer machine
say, ''My boyfriend''? 'Cause, weird.
592
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,710
l mean, we've talked about that.
593
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:28,158
Anyway, l guess
l'm just trying to say l forgive you.
594
00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:32,992
l just hope
you're not gonna be a dick about this.
595
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:36,239
Okay, bye.
596
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:48,997
Well, l think
l patched things up with Candace.
597
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,030
Why is your dress all wet?
598
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:53,838
Give me my clothes.
599
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:10,116
-Really?
-That shirt's awesome, man.
600
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,398
l'm getting pretty tired.
Do you want to get a motel or something?
601
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:17,674
No, man, l'm wired.
602
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:19,034
l ate, like, 10 packets of those
603
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:21,759
horny goat weed stamina things
at the gas station.
604
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:23,398
You can get some shut-eye, though.
605
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,512
All right,
just wake me if you need me, okay?
606
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:29,999
And, Tucker,
607
00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:33,800
thank you for everything.
608
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,235
No problem, dude! We're homies.
Lock it up.
609
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:38,714
Hey!
610
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:40,552
-Asshole!
-Sorry.
611
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:43,473
-Just watch the road, okay?
-Will do.
612
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:47,594
Good night.
613
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:02,078
Hey, Eugene!
614
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,230
-Wanna party?
-Cindi!
615
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:07,754
l got tired of waiting for you, Eugene.
616
00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:10,274
So l went out and l blew everyone.
617
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:11,679
No! Cindi!
618
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:15,594
Why did you have to get drunk, Eugene?
Why couldn't you just make love to me?
619
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:17,398
No! l'm sorry!
620
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,233
You've turned me into a whore, Eugene!
621
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,959
This is a venereal disease, Eugene!
622
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:25,793
-And l have thousands of them !
-No!
623
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,189
l'm just like your brother, Eugene!
624
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:32,796
-Just like your brother!
-No!
625
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,077
What state are we in?
626
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:45,758
-Hey, Tucker!
-What?
627
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,000
Sorry about that.
l started drinking all this NyQuil
628
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:54,275
'cause that horny goat weed
was giving me the jitters.
629
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,590
By the way, there's clothes in this bag
if you want them.
630
00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:00,518
But, honestly, l feel good to go now.
We don't need to stay here.
631
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,990
Tucker, you can't drive all night long
without any sleep. lt's not safe.
632
00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,036
l got some sleep in the car.
633
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:08,588
l'm serious. We could go
get our money back from the motel,
634
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,114
jump back in the car,
be in Chicago in a couple of hours
635
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,430
and then, by this time tomorrow,
be at the mansion.
636
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:16,910
Tucker, it's 4:00 in the morning.
The stupid fucking mansion can wait.
637
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:21,238
-The stupid what-ing mansion?
-Oh, God.
638
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:24,710
That mansion is a historical
and cultural landmark
639
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:27,951
where some of the greatest minds
have gathered to exchange ideas and.. .
640
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,600
And watch naked ladies
take baths together. Yes, l know.
641
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,875
Oh, my God! You don't know!
642
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,117
l need to give you a crash course
in sophistication and the Playboy way.
643
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:39,589
You're gonna give me a lesson
in sophistication?
644
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,514
Yeah! l've had a subscription
to this magazine for, like, 13 years.
645
00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:47,154
God, you're right, Tucker.
Teach me more about etiquette.
646
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:50,869
Okay. Here, put this on.
647
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:54,315
-l don't want to.
-Put it on.
648
00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:57,071
This is a bathrobe.
649
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,833
We'll probably be issued one of these
when we get to the mansion.
650
00:40:59,920 --> 00:41:02,434
lt's the Western equivalent
of the Greek toga.
651
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:03,839
There's a stain on mine.
652
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:07,913
lt signifies both power and leisure.
Say that with me.
653
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:12,110
Power and leisure. Say it.
654
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:15,952
-Power and leisure.
-Power and leisure.
655
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:17,792
Good. Now, lesson two.
656
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,269
When you get to the mansion
and you see a pretty girl,
657
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:23,511
you can't just walk up to her
and ask her to have sex with you.
658
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:24,715
Okay.
659
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:28,634
You have to engage her
in stimulating conversation first.
660
00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,073
Find out who she is.
661
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:32,754
Ask her questions like,
''What is her favorite animal?''
662
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:35,115
Or, ''What's her
most embarrassing moment?''
663
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,119
This is a pipe.
664
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:42,988
Smoking a pipe
is the equivalent of wearing a fine tuxedo.
665
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:48,239
Tucker!
666
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:02,072
-This usually never happens.
-Shut up, Tucker.
667
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:09,594
Dude, here come the firemen.
668
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,310
Dude, here come the firemen.
669
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,876
They know about Candace!
670
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:37,918
Come on! Get in.
671
00:42:38,720 --> 00:42:41,553
-We must be three states away!
-Firemen talk, dude.
672
00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:45,074
You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!
673
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,790
How's that atrophy coming?
674
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,632
Are you still mad?
675
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:29,115
Hey, you wanna get something
to eat or anything?
676
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:30,713
Well, how much money do we have?
677
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:32,995
Because we just spent
75 bucks on a motel room
678
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,116
that we got to use for all of five minutes.
679
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:38,317
Let's see, l've got $7.
680
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:41,429
Do you have any money?
681
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,159
No, l don't have any money.
l don't have a bank account.
682
00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:46,913
l've been in a coma since high school.
683
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:49,876
Okay, seven bucks.
684
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:52,110
Seven bucks should be enough
to feed the both of us.
685
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,952
-Are you mad?
-Yes, l'm mad!
686
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:08,429
What kind of fucking idiot
goes on a cross-country road trip
687
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:10,078
with less than $100?
688
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:13,152
Well, to be fair, dude,
l had to buy you all those clothes.
689
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,879
And you're the one
that wanted to stay at the motel.
690
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:19,396
You had to buy clothes for me
because you kidnapped me.
691
00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:22,438
And l wanted the motel
because you almost killed me!
692
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:25,830
But then, wait, you burned down
the motel and almost killed me yet again.
693
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:29,037
And then you pissed off firemen
and almost got me killed
694
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:30,519
yet another time!
695
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:34,957
-l think you're overreacting a little bit.
-l am not overreacting!
696
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:39,318
l am trying to reclaim my life here, Tucker,
and you're not taking this seriously!
697
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,789
This is all some dumb excuse
for you to go to the mansion,
698
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:43,791
so you can finally rub up
on all those strippers
699
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,189
you've been dreaming about
your whole life.
700
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,790
Rub up? Strippers?
701
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:54,277
We talked about this last night,
702
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:58,672
and l will not allow that sort of filth
or degrading speech in my car!
703
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:00,877
Oh, look! Horsedick!
704
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:30,835
Speak.
705
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:34,708
We've just got a visual confirmation.
They've been spotted in Chicago.
706
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,038
You know who it is!
707
00:45:45,240 --> 00:45:47,435
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
708
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:49,954
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
709
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:52,349
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
710
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,908
Suck up on my dick
while l fuck that ass! Hey!
711
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,150
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
712
00:45:57,240 --> 00:45:59,595
Suck on my dick
while l fuck that ass! Hey!
713
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,114
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
714
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,430
Suck up on my dick
while l fuck that ass! Hey!
715
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,950
Suck dick while you fuck my ass now!
716
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:08,598
Suck your dick
while you fuck my ass now!
717
00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:11,990
-Quit singing and suck my dick!
-Suck dick while you fuck my ass! Hey!
718
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:14,510
You know, these lyrics
don't even make any sense.
719
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:17,558
What? Shut up, Eugene.
This song is awesome!
720
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,200
l wish Candace were here.
She would love this song!
721
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,918
Tucker, if Candace were here right now,
she would try and kill you.
722
00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:25,752
Oh, yeah, l forgot.
723
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:28,709
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
724
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:31,234
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
725
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:33,470
Suck up on my dick
while l fuck that ass! Hey!
726
00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:35,996
Suck dick while you fuck my ass now!
727
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:38,310
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
728
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:40,868
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
729
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:43,190
Suck on my dick
while l fuck that ass! Hey!
730
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:44,508
Bitch!
731
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:49,037
Suck my dick while l fuck that ass! Hey!
732
00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:51,234
Respect!
733
00:46:51,320 --> 00:46:53,311
Cut! That's a wrap!
734
00:46:54,280 --> 00:46:56,635
Great job, Horsedick.MPEG!
Hip-hop is back!
735
00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,199
Do you think they're gonna
get the message though, man?
736
00:46:58,280 --> 00:46:59,679
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Yo, Horsedick.
737
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:01,512
Yo, yo, yo. You know these dudes, man?
738
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,870
Hell, yeah!
Tucker Cleigh from the down SC!
739
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:07,234
What up, brother?
740
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:10,992
-How you feel, man?
-Great, man.
741
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:12,593
Thanks for letting us
come visit your shoot.
742
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:13,795
Of course! Anytime.
743
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:15,552
You remember Eugene from prom.
744
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:17,039
The StairMaster!
745
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:18,712
-How you doing, man?
-Good.
746
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:21,678
l heard you was all Regarding Henry
and shit.
747
00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:23,830
-Yeah, l was in a coma for a while.
-That's cool.
748
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:25,911
But l see you've been
doing really well. Congratulations.
749
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:28,036
Thanks, bro.
Man, when my last CD dropped,
750
00:47:28,120 --> 00:47:30,509
motherfuckers got killed
at the Tower Records.
751
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:32,113
Motherfuckers got killed!
752
00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:33,469
That's awesome!
753
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:36,836
Thank God, you know what l'm saying?
Now, what brings y'all to Chicago?
754
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:39,639
-We just came to see you, dawg!
-Okay.
755
00:47:39,720 --> 00:47:40,835
Dude.
756
00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:43,676
And we were wondering if you could
get us into the Playboy Mansion.
757
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:44,749
Most definitely.
758
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:50,909
Wow, Horsedick, you're very generous
with your time and resources.
759
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:54,913
Anything for my bros, man.
Come on, lock it up. Come on, lock it up.
760
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:57,275
See? l told you
Horsedick would hook us up.
761
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:59,715
We're gonna have you back
in Cindi's arms in no time.
762
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:01,074
Then you can finally have sex.
763
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,798
Finally have sex? You're a virgin?
764
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:09,793
Are you telling me you're a.. .
Turn the music off!
765
00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:13,917
Do you mean to tell me
you've never been with a woman?
766
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:15,433
Never?
767
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:19,399
No, l was going to in high school,
but then l fell down the stairs.
768
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:21,072
Crystal! Janine!
769
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:24,871
Get your asses in here
and have sex with this man.
770
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:27,554
-Oh, no, Horsedick.. .
-.MPEG!
771
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:29,073
.MPEG, yes.
772
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:30,388
That's not necessary. l'm actually.. .
773
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:33,517
l'm saving myself for my girlfriend
who's gonna be at the party.
774
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:36,194
So, thank you, but l'm gonna wait.
775
00:48:39,560 --> 00:48:42,279
-l'll have sex with those girls.
-Come hook my brother up.
776
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:43,793
l gotta take a shit.
777
00:48:44,360 --> 00:48:46,476
-You okay with just Crystal?
-Yeah, it's cool.
778
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:49,279
Come on, baby.
779
00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:56,954
You and me are gonna have a long talk.
780
00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:58,553
We gonna smoke this here,
781
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:02,758
and you're gonna tell Uncle Horsedick
exactly what the problem is.
782
00:49:03,360 --> 00:49:06,875
Thank you again, Horsedick.MPEG,
but l don't smoke.
783
00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:08,473
Look here, man.
784
00:49:09,360 --> 00:49:13,319
This is a party bus,
and there's only one rule on a party bus.
785
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:14,719
You got to party.
786
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:18,349
So you either go fuck one of them girls,
or you smoke this jay.
787
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:20,829
We out of toilet paper!
788
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:51,552
l gotta warn you, l'm a little drunk,
so this could take two or three minutes.
789
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:07,232
l don't understand it. l mean, how much
can a person change in four years?
790
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:11,677
lt's like l knew her.
You know, like l really knew her.
791
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,552
And then you wake up,
and she's a completely different person.
792
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:24,479
This bitch one time
tore my heart out for reals, yo.
793
00:50:25,280 --> 00:50:27,157
-Oh, Horsedick.
-.MPEG.
794
00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:28,434
.MPEG.
795
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:34,157
You know, l think l'm starting to feel high.
796
00:50:35,760 --> 00:50:38,433
l don't even know where l am.
797
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:41,278
What was we talking about?
798
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,678
You like this?
799
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:53,877
You want this?
800
00:50:54,640 --> 00:50:55,993
Yeah, yeah.
801
00:50:56,560 --> 00:50:57,913
Then come and get it.
802
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:08,472
God damn! Hey, Charlie,
control this motherfucking bus!
803
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:13,877
Crazy-ass bus driver.
804
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:38,159
She said the most mean,
805
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:41,631
hurtful things to people
806
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:47,117
and laughed at me and it was.. .
807
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:51,597
So that's why, you know, l'm a dog now.
808
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,716
l cut through bitches like water.
809
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,438
No emotional attachment.
810
00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,556
-Ain't that right, Tuck?
-What?
811
00:51:57,640 --> 00:51:59,596
How was it back there, man?
812
00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:02,478
Good. Really good.
813
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:05,148
l gotta go to bed.
814
00:52:07,120 --> 00:52:09,680
He tired! That's what l'm talking about!
815
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:23,395
When you give something to a bitch,
they don't do nothing but take.
816
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:28,196
That's why you don't give them nothing
but the dick.
817
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:31,191
'Cause they can't take that away.
818
00:52:33,760 --> 00:52:36,399
You'll see, tomorrow at the mansion,
819
00:52:36,480 --> 00:52:40,996
l'm running train on, like, seven,
eight, nine, eleven of them honeys!
820
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:43,548
Ain't a Playmate there l ain't tagged yet.
821
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:44,834
Wait a minute. What?
822
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:46,558
All of them, dawg.
823
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:50,758
Okay, Horsedick, you couldn't have ''hit''
all of them. l mean, that's crazy.
824
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:52,956
Miss January on my dick!
825
00:52:53,280 --> 00:52:54,918
Miss February on my dick!
826
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:57,355
-Miss March?
-On my dick, dawg!
827
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:00,079
Cindi Whitehall,
have you had sex with her?
828
00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:03,470
Man, l had that bitch screaming
like her house was on fire!
829
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:04,788
She was chomping down on my dick
830
00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:08,759
like it was a hot-dog eating contest
and she was some little Asian dude.
831
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:18,072
What the fuck?
832
00:53:24,760 --> 00:53:27,035
Get the fuck back here, you pervert!
833
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,953
l hope you get VD and your dick falls off!
834
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,429
Cindi would never sleep with you!
835
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:36,749
Oh, fuck.
836
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:41,159
-You all right, man?
-She slept with him !
837
00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:45,556
She slept with a shallow,
ignorant asshole like that!
838
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:51,111
How could she do that?
839
00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:55,518
l don't even know what
l'm doing out here, Tucker! She's gone!
840
00:53:56,800 --> 00:54:00,793
She's not gone, man.
She just had sex with a guy.
841
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:02,598
She's still Cindi.
842
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:05,275
But we had something special.
843
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,076
You wouldn't understand, Tucker.
844
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:14,270
Come on, man. We got a long way to walk.
845
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:25,750
Man, l wish Candace were here.
846
00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:28,111
Really? Again?
847
00:54:29,200 --> 00:54:31,156
She's trying to kill you.
848
00:54:31,240 --> 00:54:33,595
Yeah, she has a car, though.
849
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:36,834
We have 12 hours
to get across two states.
850
00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:39,429
Hey!
851
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:43,712
People are assholes.
852
00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:46,914
Someone will stop.
Don't worry, dude. Things work out.
853
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:52,073
No, they don't. Things do not work out.
l am living proof of that.
854
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:57,072
Are you boys looking for a ride?
855
00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:02,953
Here is the deal.
l am Katja. This is my girlfriend, Vonka.
856
00:55:03,040 --> 00:55:05,429
Your girlfriend?
857
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:08,956
Yes. We are lesbians.
Does that bother you?
858
00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:11,597
No, no, no.
859
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:15,070
We're driving to Los Angeles,
but we are just so madly in love
860
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:17,196
that we can't
keep our hands off each other.
861
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:20,431
We have to make out
and make love all the time.
862
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:24,914
So we need you boys
to drive the car to Los Angeles
863
00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:27,992
so we can get crazy in the back seat
and make love
864
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:30,992
and suck and fuck each other
the whole way.
865
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:32,877
Can you boys do that?
866
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:36,797
Yeah, we can do that.
867
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:51,829
Katja !
868
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:56,871
Right there! Katja !
869
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:22,830
ls there going to be a problem?
870
00:56:22,920 --> 00:56:24,069
No, no.
871
00:56:24,160 --> 00:56:26,799
You almost made me bite Vonka's labia.
872
00:56:27,120 --> 00:56:28,599
Oh, sweet God.
873
00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:39,319
Oh, God, Katja !
874
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:42,556
Right there! Right there!
875
00:56:51,720 --> 00:56:54,871
Thirty miles to Los Angeles!
We're almost there!
876
00:56:59,240 --> 00:57:01,435
ls this going to happen every five minutes?
877
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:04,193
No, no. l got it. l got it.
878
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:12,437
No. Ain't seen shit in here.
879
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:18,349
Speak.
880
00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:21,273
One of our trucks
saw them heading into Los Angeles.
881
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:24,193
Los Angeles. Of course.
882
00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:26,715
Yeah, but the trail goes cold after that.
883
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:28,119
No, it doesn't.
884
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:31,476
You tell your men
l know exactly where he's going.
885
00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:44,750
Look, lesbians. Palm trees!
886
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:48,799
You know, lesbians,
l didn't want to say anything before,
887
00:57:48,880 --> 00:57:51,838
but the car is really starting to smell.
888
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:55,959
So, we have an hour until this thing starts.
Do you know where the mansion is?
889
00:57:56,040 --> 00:58:00,591
10228 Charing Cross Road, Los Angeles,
California, 90024.
890
00:58:02,240 --> 00:58:03,912
What's up, boys and girls?
l'm Carrie Keagan.
891
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:07,117
And we're
at Playboy's annual anniversary bash.
892
00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:11,917
l heard Horsedick.MPEG is actually
in the mansion right now.
893
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:14,749
Wow!
894
00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:17,794
l can't believe we made it.
895
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:20,633
Oh, my God. We're 20 minutes late.
They've already started the party.
896
00:58:22,280 --> 00:58:24,999
Look, l think right there
is where you sign in.
897
00:58:26,440 --> 00:58:28,431
Oh, no. You have to be on that list.
898
00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:31,557
Oh, man, we are way out of our league!
How the hell are we gonna get in here?
899
00:58:31,640 --> 00:58:34,074
We need some sort of angle.
900
00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:37,598
Oh, yeah, Katja !
901
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:47,472
Hey, there, everybody.
We are here to party.
902
00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:49,994
-Just here with our dates now.
-Yeah.
903
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:52,753
Not bad, huh? Pretty good.. .
904
00:58:52,840 --> 00:58:55,149
Hey, those are our dates. Hey, lesbians!
905
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:56,992
Those are our dates.. .
906
00:59:01,040 --> 00:59:02,712
Well, that didn't work.
Now what do we do?
907
00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:06,478
-Oh, my God!
-Firemen!
908
00:59:08,120 --> 00:59:09,553
lt's a trap!
909
00:59:13,080 --> 00:59:15,833
Wait a minute. What the hell is going on?
There is no fire here.
910
00:59:15,920 --> 00:59:17,273
Sure there is.
911
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:20,670
All right, men, keep your eyes peeled.
He's around here somewhere.
912
00:59:26,960 --> 00:59:28,279
Come on, move, move!
913
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:33,429
Eugene, l think l have a plan.
914
00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:35,152
-What?
-Follow me.
915
00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:36,958
No, Tucker. Wait!
916
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:39,795
l'm afraid.
917
00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:43,199
Sorry about this, fellas.
918
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:46,238
We're just dumb firemen
trying to do our jobs.
919
01:00:13,920 --> 01:00:18,436
All right, boys, keep your eyes peeled
for that son of a bitch Tucker Cleigh!
920
01:00:18,520 --> 01:00:20,829
We have word he's at this party!
921
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:29,676
You gotta go to the back of the line, lady.
922
01:00:31,240 --> 01:00:34,516
You have fun at the party! Let her in!
Let her in!
923
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:37,836
Damn. Bitch is crazy!
924
01:00:41,600 --> 01:00:43,113
Okay, first things first.
925
01:00:43,200 --> 01:00:45,509
We gotta get rid of these outfits
and get poolside.
926
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:47,238
What? Tucker, you can't ditch your outfit.
927
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:49,675
-What if the firemen see you?
-l can't work like this.
928
01:00:49,760 --> 01:00:52,479
Firemen never get laid.
Everyone knows that.
929
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:54,198
People hate firemen.
930
01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:56,430
-Well, what are you gonna do?
-l'm gonna go mingle.
931
01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:58,909
There's three girls for every guy
at this party.
932
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:00,353
Okay, fine. Just do me a favor
933
01:01:00,440 --> 01:01:01,668
and keep your eyes peeled for Cindi,
all right?
934
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,352
Okay. Good luck.
935
01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:16,552
Hey, ladies. l'm from South Carolina.
936
01:01:27,480 --> 01:01:30,597
Hey, gorgeous. So, what are your hobbies?
937
01:01:31,240 --> 01:01:35,552
-My hobbies?
-Yeah, you know, what are your turn-ons?
938
01:01:35,640 --> 01:01:37,676
Shit. Where's my pepper spray?
939
01:01:50,280 --> 01:01:52,191
Hey, girl of my dreams.
940
01:01:56,920 --> 01:02:00,071
Hey! All right, MlLF!
941
01:02:00,880 --> 01:02:03,030
-l'm 25!
-Really?
942
01:02:03,520 --> 01:02:04,839
Fuck off!
943
01:02:14,200 --> 01:02:19,228
Sara Jean Underwood?
Playmate of the Year 2007?
944
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:20,469
That's me.
945
01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:23,199
Oh, my God!
lt's such an honor to meet you!
946
01:02:23,640 --> 01:02:24,629
Why, thank you.
947
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:27,518
l'm Tucker Cleigh.
And who is this little guy?
948
01:02:28,000 --> 01:02:31,470
This is Puddles, and he's a rescue.
l got him from the pound last week.
949
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:33,994
Oh, no way! l call the pound all the time.
950
01:02:34,080 --> 01:02:36,196
-You do?
-Yeah, last week even.
951
01:02:36,280 --> 01:02:38,589
Some loser
lost this jerk Labrador or something
952
01:02:38,680 --> 01:02:41,399
'cause l caught him
going through my trash looking for food.
953
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:44,836
And you sent this jerk Labrador
to the pound?
954
01:02:44,920 --> 01:02:46,797
-Big time!
-That's horrible.
955
01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,553
No, l know. l mean, what? Why?
956
01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:52,473
Because they put dogs to sleep
at the pound.
957
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:54,551
They were gonna put Puddles here down
'cause he was sick,
958
01:02:54,640 --> 01:02:56,119
and nobody would adopt him.
959
01:02:56,200 --> 01:02:59,431
So l took him home with me, and l've
slowly been nursing him back to health.
960
01:03:00,560 --> 01:03:02,039
That's so weird.
961
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:04,714
-lt is?
-Well, l mean, l just.. .
962
01:03:04,800 --> 01:03:08,793
l didn't realize
that human beings could nurse dogs.
963
01:03:10,760 --> 01:03:12,990
l'm not literally nursing him.
964
01:03:14,760 --> 01:03:16,034
l thought you meant with your.. .
965
01:03:16,120 --> 01:03:20,079
l'm sorry, l was thinking about your boobs.
966
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:25,113
l mean, because that sort of stuff
does happen nowadays.
967
01:03:25,200 --> 01:03:29,910
Especially with modern times,
and l've seen that on the lnternet a bunch.
968
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,468
You've seen a lot of that
on the lnternet, huh?
969
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:38,876
Yeah. l mean, some girls will even
make love to dogs on the lnternet.
970
01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:42,033
Not that that's good at all.
'Cause that's bad.
971
01:03:42,120 --> 01:03:46,272
Unless you do that, and then, whatever,
l'm not judging.. .
972
01:03:46,360 --> 01:03:49,238
l'm sorry, Tucker,
who is it that you're here with again?
973
01:03:49,320 --> 01:03:51,117
Look, l'm sorry.
974
01:03:51,200 --> 01:03:52,553
l have such a problem with rambling,
975
01:03:52,640 --> 01:03:55,552
especially when l'm meeting people
like you.
976
01:03:55,640 --> 01:03:59,394
Look, l'm always blowing first impressions.
Can we just start over?
977
01:03:59,480 --> 01:04:01,471
Give me another chance.
Can l get you a drink or anything?
978
01:04:01,560 --> 01:04:04,916
That's sweet, Tucker, but l actually
have to take Puddles out to the lawn.
979
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:06,479
He has to go to the bathroom pretty badly.
980
01:04:06,560 --> 01:04:07,709
l'll take him to the bathroom.
981
01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:09,358
No, that's really not necessary.
982
01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:12,637
l insist. lt's the least l can do. Please?
983
01:04:13,920 --> 01:04:16,070
Okay. Okay, Tucker, you win.
984
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:20,551
You won't regret this,
Playmate of the Year 2007!
985
01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:21,993
Bring him right back!
986
01:04:24,720 --> 01:04:26,597
Oh, my God!
987
01:04:26,680 --> 01:04:29,797
That is the cutest little dog
l have ever seen!
988
01:04:29,880 --> 01:04:32,713
ls it yours? What is his name?
989
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:33,949
l think it's.. .
990
01:04:34,040 --> 01:04:36,873
Oh, my God! Look at his little feet.
991
01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:39,076
l love men with dogs.
992
01:04:39,160 --> 01:04:40,388
-Really?
-Yeah.
993
01:04:40,480 --> 01:04:43,074
My last boyfriend hated dogs.
Such an asshole!
994
01:04:44,000 --> 01:04:45,877
l mean, what kind of psycho
doesn't like dogs?
995
01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:48,190
And that's just when l knew
that he was not for me.
996
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:50,555
l mean, look at his little paws!
997
01:04:50,640 --> 01:04:53,518
-Yeah, they're pretty small.
-l know, right?
998
01:04:58,680 --> 01:04:59,795
What?
999
01:05:00,880 --> 01:05:02,108
Nothing.
1000
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:04,919
l just want to talk to you all night.
1001
01:05:06,160 --> 01:05:08,628
Can you get me, like, another drink?
1002
01:05:10,920 --> 01:05:12,592
Wow, you're good!
1003
01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:16,951
This tastes like shit!
1004
01:05:17,440 --> 01:05:19,237
l mean, the other one tasted different,
you know?
1005
01:05:19,320 --> 01:05:22,392
-lt tasted like, l don't know.. .
-Pee?
1006
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:25,993
No! You're funny!
1007
01:05:26,720 --> 01:05:29,996
Okay, here's the plan.
l'm gonna go use the little girls' room.
1008
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:32,355
You're gonna go find me
some more of the good stuff,
1009
01:05:32,440 --> 01:05:35,034
and then we're gonna rendezvous
back here in, like, five minutes, okay?
1010
01:05:35,120 --> 01:05:37,270
And make sure you bring him !
1011
01:05:37,720 --> 01:05:39,039
Okay, bye.
1012
01:05:51,040 --> 01:05:57,070
And then this little motherfucker hits me
and poops all over my bus!
1013
01:05:57,160 --> 01:05:58,673
Man, l hate poop!
1014
01:05:58,760 --> 01:06:01,320
l hope them little shits
do make it over here.
1015
01:06:01,400 --> 01:06:03,277
l'm gonna kill that little bitch!
1016
01:06:03,360 --> 01:06:05,191
He's gonna suck my dick!
1017
01:06:05,280 --> 01:06:08,875
l'm gonna just hold
his little dead head right there.
1018
01:06:08,960 --> 01:06:12,430
That's what's up, man. That's what's up.
1019
01:06:16,840 --> 01:06:20,515
Come on, Puddles, come on.
Come on, Puddles, come on.
1020
01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:21,874
What's the matter?
1021
01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:25,316
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Put it over that, and go!
1022
01:06:25,400 --> 01:06:27,550
Puddles, go to the bathroom !
1023
01:06:28,600 --> 01:06:31,273
What's the matter? Maybe you're empty.
1024
01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:36,031
No. Here we go. A little beer?
1025
01:06:36,120 --> 01:06:39,635
A little beer! A little bit of beer!
A little bit of.. .
1026
01:06:40,080 --> 01:06:41,513
Oh, my God!
1027
01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:44,792
Oh, my God! Puddles!
1028
01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:47,879
What the shit?
1029
01:06:49,640 --> 01:06:51,949
-Oh, sorry.
-Hi, may l help you?
1030
01:06:52,600 --> 01:06:53,953
No, no, thank you.
1031
01:06:54,040 --> 01:06:57,794
Actually, yeah. Have you seen
Cindi Whitehall around here?
1032
01:06:57,880 --> 01:07:01,793
Oh, my God. Are you a stalker?
We have a 214!
1033
01:07:01,880 --> 01:07:03,279
What? No, l'm not a stalker.
1034
01:07:03,360 --> 01:07:05,999
Oh, good. What are you drinking?
1035
01:07:06,080 --> 01:07:07,957
Nothing. Never mind.
1036
01:07:09,800 --> 01:07:11,836
So, we're going at it there in the driveway
1037
01:07:11,920 --> 01:07:17,074
and she's like, ''Oh, my God,
this is the best sex l have ever had."
1038
01:07:17,160 --> 01:07:20,789
And l'm, like,
''Everyone keeps telling me that."
1039
01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:25,149
lsn't that weird? lsn't.. .
1040
01:07:50,760 --> 01:07:52,273
The grotto!
1041
01:07:57,360 --> 01:07:59,635
Excuse me, sir.
l'm looking for Cindi Whitehall.
1042
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:02,598
What you want with Cindi Whitehall?
1043
01:08:02,920 --> 01:08:03,989
Well, l'm her boyfriend.
1044
01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:05,752
l was her boyfriend,
but then we got separated.. .
1045
01:08:05,840 --> 01:08:07,398
-We got a 214!
-No, no, no!
1046
01:08:07,480 --> 01:08:09,550
l'm not a stalker! l'm not a stalker!
1047
01:08:09,640 --> 01:08:12,518
l came across the country
just to see her! Hey!
1048
01:08:21,760 --> 01:08:23,751
Cindi. Cindi!
1049
01:08:25,120 --> 01:08:28,078
No! Cindi!
l'm her boyfriend from high school!
1050
01:08:28,160 --> 01:08:30,628
-Eugene?
-We were sweethearts in high school!
1051
01:08:31,200 --> 01:08:32,792
-Cindi!
-Eugene?
1052
01:08:35,360 --> 01:08:36,759
Candace!
1053
01:08:37,520 --> 01:08:41,672
Good to see you. l was worried sick.
1054
01:08:43,320 --> 01:08:44,548
How are you?
1055
01:08:44,640 --> 01:08:46,835
Your face looks.. .
1056
01:08:50,000 --> 01:08:51,319
Coming along.
1057
01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:55,071
By the way, sorry about that.
1058
01:08:55,160 --> 01:08:57,230
Did l ever tell you that?
'Cause l'm not sure l.. .
1059
01:08:57,320 --> 01:08:59,231
You get back here, Tucker Cleigh!
1060
01:08:59,320 --> 01:09:01,629
There he is! Everyone, move!
1061
01:09:02,200 --> 01:09:03,349
Let me go!
1062
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:06,877
You're gonna sit your ass right here
until the police show up!
1063
01:09:06,960 --> 01:09:10,714
l need to talk to Cindi!
l'm not a stalker! l know her!
1064
01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:16,274
Quick, to the second floor! Fan out!
1065
01:09:26,320 --> 01:09:28,356
Come on, boys, he went that way!
1066
01:09:32,400 --> 01:09:35,119
Lesbians! Help me break this door down!
1067
01:09:35,200 --> 01:09:36,269
Where are the bedrooms?
1068
01:09:36,360 --> 01:09:40,035
Vonka and l thought of a new position,
and we need a bed against a wall.
1069
01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:42,190
They're through this door!
There's bedrooms through this door!
1070
01:09:42,280 --> 01:09:43,838
And Jacuzzis, too!
1071
01:09:43,920 --> 01:09:45,558
-There are?
-Jacuzzis?
1072
01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:47,392
Yeah, but it's locked! You gotta help me!
1073
01:09:48,160 --> 01:09:49,513
Step aside.
1074
01:10:13,560 --> 01:10:15,198
All right. Go, go, go, go!
1075
01:10:15,320 --> 01:10:16,799
There he is! Get him !
1076
01:10:22,600 --> 01:10:23,794
Good idea, lesbians!
1077
01:10:24,920 --> 01:10:27,309
Lesbians! Lesbians!
1078
01:10:40,240 --> 01:10:41,514
What seems to be the problem, son?
1079
01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:47,189
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! l can't look!
1080
01:10:47,280 --> 01:10:48,474
l can't look! l can't look! l can't look!
1081
01:10:48,560 --> 01:10:50,630
l can't.. . l can't.. . Oh, my God!
1082
01:10:50,720 --> 01:10:52,915
Relax, son. What's your name?
1083
01:10:54,560 --> 01:10:59,031
Tucker Cleigh, sir.
And l am your biggest fan.
1084
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:03,033
l try to apply your methods and principles
to every aspect of my life.
1085
01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:05,634
Oh, yeah? How's that working out for you?
1086
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:08,439
Good. Great! Awesome!
1087
01:11:08,520 --> 01:11:12,115
Well, that's great.
The party's outside. Have a good time.
1088
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:20,552
Something wrong?
1089
01:11:22,960 --> 01:11:26,191
Well, yeah, actually.
1090
01:11:28,160 --> 01:11:31,869
Things haven't been going
so great for me lately.
1091
01:11:32,800 --> 01:11:36,236
l mean, l'm here at the Playboy Mansion,
1092
01:11:37,800 --> 01:11:39,791
and l'm still striking out.
1093
01:11:40,640 --> 01:11:42,153
l don't get it.
1094
01:11:44,040 --> 01:11:45,189
Have a seat, son.
1095
01:11:49,640 --> 01:11:52,279
-Eugene?
-Cindi.
1096
01:11:52,960 --> 01:11:56,316
Oh, my God! l can't believe this!
When did you wake up?
1097
01:11:57,600 --> 01:11:59,670
About three days ago.
1098
01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:02,718
-How did you find me?
-lt wasn't too hard.
1099
01:12:03,360 --> 01:12:05,920
-What does that mean?
-Where have you been?
1100
01:12:06,000 --> 01:12:07,115
What?
1101
01:12:08,280 --> 01:12:09,759
Where have you been?
1102
01:12:09,840 --> 01:12:12,513
l've been a couple of places.
l've been working.
1103
01:12:12,600 --> 01:12:16,115
Working? Working as what? A whore?
1104
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:18,672
Stop that! l know him !
1105
01:12:18,760 --> 01:12:20,398
Sorry, miss.
1106
01:12:20,480 --> 01:12:24,075
lt just really sticks in my craw
when people disrespect women.
1107
01:12:24,160 --> 01:12:25,513
What?
1108
01:12:25,600 --> 01:12:27,909
Eugene, how could you
say something like that?
1109
01:12:28,880 --> 01:12:30,393
-You left me!
-Eugene, l.. .
1110
01:12:30,480 --> 01:12:33,153
You left me in a hospital bed
when l needed you the most!
1111
01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:34,832
Eugene, you were in a coma for four years.
1112
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:37,150
Yeah! l was in a coma !
1113
01:12:37,240 --> 01:12:39,196
And you've been running around
doing God knows what!
1114
01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:42,238
-What are you talking about?
-You're doing pornography?
1115
01:12:42,320 --> 01:12:45,710
-You're posing naked for everyone to see?
-Eugene.
1116
01:12:45,800 --> 01:12:49,793
How many guys have you
slept with, Cindi? 100? 200?
1117
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:58,311
Just imagine how you would feel, Cindi,
1118
01:12:59,080 --> 01:13:03,756
if you woke up one morning
and everyone that you loved had left you,
1119
01:13:04,360 --> 01:13:06,237
and your dad had bailed on you,
1120
01:13:06,320 --> 01:13:09,869
and the one person that you thought
would always be there for you
1121
01:13:09,960 --> 01:13:14,272
is out flashing her tits to the world
and blowing everyone she meets!
1122
01:13:16,160 --> 01:13:18,196
So, you have a girlfriend?
1123
01:13:18,280 --> 01:13:22,114
Yeah, and she's great.
She's the coolest chick l've ever met.
1124
01:13:22,200 --> 01:13:24,555
Most girls want to kill me
after two or three nights,
1125
01:13:24,640 --> 01:13:26,631
and it took her 13 whole months.
1126
01:13:26,720 --> 01:13:30,235
Well, then, what's the problem?
Sounds like you found a great girl.
1127
01:13:30,320 --> 01:13:34,552
She is great.
lt's just.. . l can't get settled down yet.
1128
01:13:34,640 --> 01:13:36,915
l have to hit a respectable quota.
1129
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:42,791
Tucker, it's the quality, not the quantity,
of the relationships that counts.
1130
01:13:42,880 --> 01:13:45,553
But you're dating seven women at once.
1131
01:13:49,080 --> 01:13:51,514
Here, look at this.
1132
01:13:53,040 --> 01:13:54,951
Oh, gross!
1133
01:13:55,400 --> 01:13:57,311
That's Gertrude von Brauer.
1134
01:13:57,400 --> 01:13:59,038
What's wrong with her eye?
1135
01:13:59,120 --> 01:14:00,678
lt's dead.
1136
01:14:00,760 --> 01:14:02,512
Gertrude was my next-door neighbor.
1137
01:14:03,840 --> 01:14:07,310
Our childhood friendship blossomed
into a romance by high school.
1138
01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:08,515
Hef, no!
1139
01:14:08,600 --> 01:14:09,999
Tucker, yes!
1140
01:14:10,960 --> 01:14:14,077
Gertrude von Brauer
was the love of my life.
1141
01:14:14,160 --> 01:14:20,349
But she's, like,
the worst-looking person l have ever seen.
1142
01:14:21,520 --> 01:14:23,715
Give me back that photograph.
1143
01:14:29,120 --> 01:14:31,395
Gertrude died when she was 18 years old.
1144
01:14:31,480 --> 01:14:32,959
Oh, thank God.
1145
01:14:35,480 --> 01:14:37,471
Tucker, the point l'm trying to make
1146
01:14:37,560 --> 01:14:41,951
is that when you find that special someone
in your life, you have to hold onto them.
1147
01:14:42,840 --> 01:14:45,400
Now, l've known
quite a few women in my life,
1148
01:14:45,480 --> 01:14:47,789
and l've had a phenomenal sex life.
1149
01:14:47,880 --> 01:14:50,838
But l'd trade it all in
for just one more afternoon
1150
01:14:51,800 --> 01:14:54,917
with this young 18-year-old girl
from Milford, Kentucky.
1151
01:14:56,160 --> 01:14:57,309
Who's busted.
1152
01:14:57,400 --> 01:15:02,952
Tucker, there's a bunny
deep down inside each and every woman.
1153
01:15:04,720 --> 01:15:07,871
They're just not bunnies
you'd put in your magazine.
1154
01:15:07,960 --> 01:15:09,871
No, they're not.
1155
01:15:09,960 --> 01:15:14,476
But if you can see the bunny in those girls,
then you're onto something, my friend.
1156
01:15:17,160 --> 01:15:19,037
l think l get it.
1157
01:15:19,120 --> 01:15:23,159
l was trying to turn my girlfriend
into a Playboy bunny,
1158
01:15:24,200 --> 01:15:27,556
and that's why she had that seizure,
and l stabbed her in the face a bunch.
1159
01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:31,513
But if l just realized she was a bunny,
1160
01:15:31,600 --> 01:15:34,194
then none of these firemen
would be trying to kill me.
1161
01:15:36,480 --> 01:15:39,631
l gotta be honest with you.
l'm gonna call security.
1162
01:15:39,720 --> 01:15:41,790
Okay, Mr. Hefner. Thanks for the talk.
1163
01:15:42,560 --> 01:15:44,152
No problem, son.
1164
01:15:45,000 --> 01:15:48,959
Look, l've said what l had to say.
There's nothing else to do.
1165
01:15:49,880 --> 01:15:51,393
Things will never be the same
1166
01:15:51,480 --> 01:15:55,917
because l am always gonna
think about you with those guys.
1167
01:15:57,640 --> 01:16:00,074
l don't even know why l came here.
1168
01:16:00,680 --> 01:16:02,636
Closure, l think.
1169
01:16:03,360 --> 01:16:07,990
Eugene, everything l've done since
you fell down the stairs has been for you.
1170
01:16:08,080 --> 01:16:09,115
Oh, yeah, right!
1171
01:16:09,200 --> 01:16:12,875
Well, posing naked in Playboy is really
helping me out a lot. Thanks for that.
1172
01:16:12,960 --> 01:16:15,315
Eugene, where do you think
the money came from?
1173
01:16:15,400 --> 01:16:18,437
-What money?
-The money for your hospital care.
1174
01:16:19,880 --> 01:16:22,030
Your dad didn't think
that you would ever wake up,
1175
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,430
and he was gonna have you moved
to a class D hospice
1176
01:16:26,120 --> 01:16:28,634
where they basically just store you
until you die.
1177
01:16:29,600 --> 01:16:33,275
l sent whatever money l could
from part-time waitressing during college,
1178
01:16:33,360 --> 01:16:35,749
but it never really amounted to much.
1179
01:16:35,840 --> 01:16:38,593
Then l started making
some real money modeling
1180
01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:41,717
and l had you moved
to a better treatment center.
1181
01:16:43,880 --> 01:16:46,314
Tucker never told you any of this?
1182
01:16:48,720 --> 01:16:51,792
No, he never did.
1183
01:16:53,200 --> 01:16:55,714
Okay, Hef's orders,
all stalkers out of the mansion.
1184
01:16:57,760 --> 01:16:59,113
Let me go!
1185
01:17:02,080 --> 01:17:03,672
-Eugene!
-Tucker!
1186
01:17:03,760 --> 01:17:06,513
l met Hef! He talked to me!
l think l had a breakthrough!
1187
01:17:06,600 --> 01:17:09,433
-How could you, you son of a bitch?
-What are you talking about?
1188
01:17:09,520 --> 01:17:12,239
You fucking brought me
all the way out here to your stupid party
1189
01:17:12,320 --> 01:17:13,912
when you knew Cindi never left me!
1190
01:17:14,000 --> 01:17:15,035
-Eugene!
-Wait.
1191
01:17:15,120 --> 01:17:17,076
She was at the hospital the whole time?
1192
01:17:17,160 --> 01:17:20,197
Look, don't play dumb with me!
She was paying for my medical bills!
1193
01:17:20,280 --> 01:17:21,918
How could you not know that?
1194
01:17:22,600 --> 01:17:23,953
The mister's girlfriend
not pay all this money
1195
01:17:24,040 --> 01:17:25,359
for you to use this as a porno room !
1196
01:17:25,440 --> 01:17:27,510
Juanita, l don't speak Spanish!
1197
01:17:29,000 --> 01:17:31,673
The mister's girlfriend is on the phone.
You want to talk to her?
1198
01:17:31,760 --> 01:17:33,113
Go away, Juanita !
1199
01:17:33,200 --> 01:17:34,997
What an angel
that young Cindi Whitehall is
1200
01:17:35,080 --> 01:17:36,957
for paying all of this man's medical bills.
1201
01:17:37,040 --> 01:17:40,157
l've never seen more devotion
in all my years of medicine!
1202
01:17:40,240 --> 01:17:42,515
-Go!
-Juanita, l'm trying to do something.
1203
01:17:42,600 --> 01:17:43,919
Do you comprende?
1204
01:17:44,920 --> 01:17:47,115
You let me think
that Cindi had abandoned me!
1205
01:17:47,200 --> 01:17:48,269
But wait a minute.
1206
01:17:48,400 --> 01:17:50,630
lf Cindi was paying your hospital bills
this whole time,
1207
01:17:50,800 --> 01:17:53,360
then she obviously still loves you.
You should be excited.
1208
01:17:53,800 --> 01:17:55,950
-Tucker Cleigh!
-Candace!
1209
01:17:57,120 --> 01:17:59,680
And Candace's brother, Rick!
1210
01:17:59,760 --> 01:18:01,193
Put him down!
1211
01:18:05,120 --> 01:18:08,317
You are gonna die
for what you did to my sister!
1212
01:18:08,400 --> 01:18:10,914
-Yeah!
-Make it slow, Rick!
1213
01:18:12,320 --> 01:18:15,676
There goes
that sissy-hitting motherfucker!
1214
01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:19,670
-Eugene, so we meet again, huh?
-Horsedick!
1215
01:18:19,760 --> 01:18:22,672
-.MPEG! .MPEG!
-.MPEG.
1216
01:18:22,760 --> 01:18:24,159
l was just telling my friends here
1217
01:18:24,240 --> 01:18:28,028
if l ever saw your pretty little face again,
l was gonna rip it off and fuck it.
1218
01:18:28,120 --> 01:18:30,759
-No.
-And l don't lie to my friends.
1219
01:18:30,840 --> 01:18:34,196
All right, men, let's do this fireman style!
1220
01:18:34,280 --> 01:18:35,633
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
1221
01:18:39,800 --> 01:18:43,315
l shall now bathe my steel
in the blood of the offender.
1222
01:18:43,680 --> 01:18:45,511
Wait, wait, wait!
1223
01:18:46,440 --> 01:18:49,432
Before you kill me,
let me just say one thing.
1224
01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:51,837
Candace, l know you're mad,
1225
01:18:51,920 --> 01:18:55,515
and you have every right to do
whatever you want to me.
1226
01:18:55,600 --> 01:18:58,353
But l just wanted to say that l'm sorry.
1227
01:18:59,040 --> 01:19:02,953
See, l was just hanging out with Hef,
and l realized something.
1228
01:19:03,840 --> 01:19:06,434
You're my busted girl from Kentucky.
1229
01:19:07,920 --> 01:19:10,912
We both hate the same music
and like getting wasted and stuff,
1230
01:19:11,000 --> 01:19:13,753
and you like me despite all my faults.
1231
01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:16,638
So the least l can do is look past yours.
1232
01:19:17,800 --> 01:19:19,119
My faults?
1233
01:19:19,200 --> 01:19:21,714
Yeah! Candace, your face is a wreck.
1234
01:19:22,520 --> 01:19:23,999
You stabbed me!
1235
01:19:24,080 --> 01:19:25,433
That's one of my faults.
1236
01:19:25,520 --> 01:19:28,273
And you have this really stupid hatred
of strobe lights.
1237
01:19:28,920 --> 01:19:32,356
When you have epilepsy,
strobe lights trigger seizures!
1238
01:19:32,440 --> 01:19:33,555
See? That's stupid.
1239
01:19:35,880 --> 01:19:38,713
The point l'm trying to make is
that none of that matters.
1240
01:19:38,800 --> 01:19:40,836
l like you anyway.
1241
01:19:40,920 --> 01:19:43,992
Look, l always hoped
when l met someone like you,
1242
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:47,629
l'd already have this crazy,
impressive sexual history.
1243
01:19:47,720 --> 01:19:49,676
But now l realize
that none of that's important
1244
01:19:49,760 --> 01:19:52,035
once you find someone that you truly love.
1245
01:19:52,120 --> 01:19:53,109
And when l'm with you,
1246
01:19:53,200 --> 01:19:55,919
none of the other chicks
that l've nailed in the past matter anyway.
1247
01:19:58,640 --> 01:20:02,315
Candace, you're the last person
that l ever want to bang.
1248
01:20:03,360 --> 01:20:06,796
And if your weird brain thing makes
you bite my junk while you're blowing me,
1249
01:20:06,880 --> 01:20:08,393
then so be it.
1250
01:20:10,240 --> 01:20:12,276
l'll never stab you again.
1251
01:20:19,640 --> 01:20:21,153
l love you, Tucker Cleigh!
1252
01:20:25,720 --> 01:20:27,119
God damn it!
1253
01:20:28,200 --> 01:20:30,156
l need to talk to Cindi.
1254
01:20:30,560 --> 01:20:33,199
Well, that was real sweet.
1255
01:20:33,800 --> 01:20:35,153
How are you gonna
get out of this, Eugene?
1256
01:20:35,240 --> 01:20:37,674
You gonna tell me you love me?
1257
01:20:37,760 --> 01:20:40,479
Horsedick, you gotta let me go.
l need to talk to Cindi.
1258
01:20:40,560 --> 01:20:43,313
Why don't you write a message for her
on my dick,
1259
01:20:43,400 --> 01:20:45,834
and l will make sure she gets it.
1260
01:20:50,040 --> 01:20:51,792
You know what, Phil?
1261
01:20:52,760 --> 01:20:54,637
That kind of thing
would've bothered me before,
1262
01:20:54,720 --> 01:20:56,950
that you had sex with Cindi, but not now.
1263
01:20:57,040 --> 01:20:59,793
Because l had a relationship with her.
1264
01:20:59,920 --> 01:21:02,070
And she's not just some trophy.
She's the total package!
1265
01:21:02,160 --> 01:21:03,991
And a guy like you, Horsedick,
1266
01:21:04,680 --> 01:21:07,035
you wouldn't even know
what to do with a girl like that.
1267
01:21:07,120 --> 01:21:08,792
l'll say he wouldn't.
1268
01:21:08,880 --> 01:21:10,359
-Cindi!
-Cindi!
1269
01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:13,316
What's up, baby? How you doing?
1270
01:21:13,400 --> 01:21:15,834
Horsedick wouldn't know
what to do with a blow-up doll.
1271
01:21:15,920 --> 01:21:19,117
-What? What is she talking about?
-Nothing!
1272
01:21:19,200 --> 01:21:20,997
Hey, let's go back up
into the mansion, y'all!
1273
01:21:21,080 --> 01:21:23,230
There is a DJ in there, he's supposed to be
cold-blooded! Come on!
1274
01:21:23,320 --> 01:21:25,595
Horsedick doesn't have a dick.
1275
01:21:25,880 --> 01:21:28,519
-Bitch! You promised!
-What?
1276
01:21:28,600 --> 01:21:30,511
Horsedick wasn't born with genitalia.
1277
01:21:30,600 --> 01:21:32,477
He has to pee through a straw.
1278
01:21:33,640 --> 01:21:34,993
This bitch has gone crazy.
1279
01:21:35,080 --> 01:21:38,038
Hey, everybody,
go to the Horsedick.MPEG party bus!
1280
01:21:38,120 --> 01:21:39,394
Come on, it's a party!
1281
01:21:39,480 --> 01:21:42,233
Wait a minute.
What about all those girls you banged?
1282
01:21:42,320 --> 01:21:45,073
Yeah, dawg, what about all those girls?
1283
01:21:45,160 --> 01:21:46,639
You know what?
1284
01:21:47,120 --> 01:21:49,714
l've never actually seen Horsedick
make it with a ho.
1285
01:21:49,800 --> 01:21:51,472
Why do you want to see that?
1286
01:21:51,560 --> 01:21:55,348
l never thought l'd say this.
Fuck that! Let me see your penis, dawg!
1287
01:21:55,440 --> 01:21:57,317
l'm not showing you shit, man!
All you motherfuckers.. .
1288
01:21:57,400 --> 01:21:58,719
What are you doing? No!
1289
01:22:07,840 --> 01:22:08,875
lt ain't my fault!
1290
01:22:08,960 --> 01:22:11,394
-My mama was on acne medicine!
-Oh, man!
1291
01:22:11,480 --> 01:22:13,038
Leave me alone!
1292
01:22:18,640 --> 01:22:20,073
Cindi. Cindi.
1293
01:22:20,960 --> 01:22:23,155
Cindi. Listen, l'm sorry.
1294
01:22:23,240 --> 01:22:25,754
And what happened in the past is the past.
1295
01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:27,956
And what's important is right now,
and l want to.. .
1296
01:22:28,040 --> 01:22:31,794
l want to start over if you'll have me.
l just think that.. .
1297
01:22:34,920 --> 01:22:36,035
Okay.
1298
01:22:37,520 --> 01:22:38,714
Okay, l just have a question, though.
1299
01:22:38,800 --> 01:22:41,473
Why didn't you call me
when l woke up in the hospital?
1300
01:22:41,560 --> 01:22:45,109
l call the hospital every Monday.
When did you wake up?
1301
01:22:45,200 --> 01:22:47,191
On Wednesday.
1302
01:22:47,280 --> 01:22:50,989
-And you just immediately ran off?
-Yeah, l guess.
1303
01:22:51,640 --> 01:22:54,438
-Tucker's idea?
-Yeah.
1304
01:22:55,760 --> 01:22:58,593
We really gotta get you some new friends.
1305
01:23:04,600 --> 01:23:07,353
No, this one's okay.
1306
01:23:22,400 --> 01:23:23,958
Let them in.
1307
01:23:25,680 --> 01:23:27,477
Let them in, damn it!
1308
01:23:36,120 --> 01:23:38,190
-l'll see you later.
-Okay.
1309
01:23:38,520 --> 01:23:40,954
-Bye.
-Bye. Bye.
1310
01:23:45,200 --> 01:23:48,795
-So, Candace, huh?
-Yeah. lsn't she the best?
1311
01:23:49,600 --> 01:23:51,238
She's something else, all right.
1312
01:23:51,320 --> 01:23:53,914
-So, you guys are, like.. . You're good now?
-Yeah.
1313
01:23:54,000 --> 01:23:55,479
Candace thinks
that we should try to get pregnant.
1314
01:23:55,560 --> 01:23:57,994
You know, really try to work things out.
1315
01:23:58,080 --> 01:24:00,799
-That's a great idea, Tucker.
-That is a great idea.
1316
01:24:00,880 --> 01:24:03,599
How are we gonna fight
if there's always a baby around?
1317
01:24:03,680 --> 01:24:05,910
And l'm gonna see
if Hef can hook me up with an internship
1318
01:24:06,000 --> 01:24:07,513
at the photo department.
1319
01:24:07,600 --> 01:24:09,477
-Hey, that's awesome.
-Yeah.
1320
01:24:09,560 --> 01:24:11,915
So, what about you and Cindi?
1321
01:24:12,000 --> 01:24:15,709
l don't know, but l feel really good about it.
1322
01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:16,835
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
1323
01:24:16,920 --> 01:24:19,150
-Cool.
-Do you want to know something crazy?
1324
01:24:19,360 --> 01:24:21,920
-You don't have a dick?
-No.
1325
01:24:23,480 --> 01:24:25,596
She's upstairs waiting for me right now.
1326
01:24:25,680 --> 01:24:26,999
-No!
-Yep.
1327
01:24:27,080 --> 01:24:28,433
-No!
-Yep!
1328
01:24:28,520 --> 01:24:32,195
Your first time is going to be
with a Playboy Playmate
1329
01:24:32,280 --> 01:24:34,316
at the Playboy Mansion?
1330
01:24:34,400 --> 01:24:35,435
Yes.
1331
01:24:35,520 --> 01:24:36,873
How do you feel?
1332
01:24:37,600 --> 01:24:40,637
l feel ready. l feel ready.
1333
01:24:40,720 --> 01:24:42,392
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
1334
01:24:42,480 --> 01:24:46,632
-A toast. To new beginnings.
-To new beginnings. Well put.
1335
01:24:52,280 --> 01:24:54,714
You're probably gonna want to have
another one, so you'll last longer.
1336
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,472
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
1337
01:24:57,080 --> 01:25:03,758
All right, everybody, l'm going upstairs
to have sex with my girlfriend!
1338
01:25:07,800 --> 01:25:09,677
-ls it good?
-Okay, Eugene.
1339
01:25:09,760 --> 01:25:10,749
Yeah?
1340
01:25:11,400 --> 01:25:13,516
That's good, 'cause l'm trying really hard.
1341
01:25:13,600 --> 01:25:15,591
You're doing a really good job, Eugene.
1342
01:25:15,680 --> 01:25:18,035
Does it feel good? Okay.
1343
01:25:19,200 --> 01:25:20,519
Oh, no! Eugene!
1344
01:25:20,600 --> 01:25:22,192
Be careful! Don't overexert yourself!
1345
01:25:31,400 --> 01:25:33,277
During my time in South Carolina,
1346
01:25:33,360 --> 01:25:36,557
l discovered a groundbreaking
and new experimental way
1347
01:25:36,640 --> 01:25:39,518
of reinstating consciousness
to the comatose.
1348
01:25:39,600 --> 01:25:42,512
lt has proven itself to be quite effective.
1349
01:26:01,760 --> 01:26:03,955
l swear l saw this work once.
1350
01:26:18,880 --> 01:26:20,996
You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!
1351
01:29:41,760 --> 01:29:42,749
English - US
1352
01:29:43,305 --> 01:29:49,188
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