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Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour
of muddy puddles.
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Her birthmark, the colour of poo.
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It was Saturday afternoon
and she was bored.
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Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.
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Mary's mood ring, which she'd found
in a cereal box, was grey
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which, according to the chart,
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meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious or hungry.
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Her only friends were 'The Noblets'
from her favourite cartoon.
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They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shops
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but fake ones she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompoms
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and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.
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She had to make all her own toys,
and her favourites were Shrinkies -
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potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.
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Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,
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00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,440
worked in a factory,
attaching the strings to tea bags.
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At show and tell, she told the class
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he could get as many free tea bags
as he wanted.
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Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.
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She loved saying 'Earl Grey'
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and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.
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They would live
in a castle in Scotland,
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have 9 babies, 2 ducks...
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..and a dog called Kevin.
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Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Baileys lrish Cream
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00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:46,480
and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.
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Mary wished he'd spend more time
with her and less with his dead friends.
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She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.
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00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:00,110
Her mother had told her
she was 'an accident'.
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How could someone be an accident?
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00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:08,040
Grandpoppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberate
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00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,350
and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.
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00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,480
Grandpoppy Ralph
had smelt like pickled onions
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and had been a member of the Frankston
Ice Breakers for 51 years.
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They swam in winter to feel alive.
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Grandpoppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.
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He had died the year before, aged 74,
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and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honour.
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00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,080
Born in a barn
in the hills of Boronia,
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Ralph lived a long life,
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then died of pneumonia.
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Mary missed him
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and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.
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A lot of things puzzled Mary
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especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.
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00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:06,960
To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.
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00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,793
A pretty vicious ball.
And he's out!
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00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,868
Vera liked listening
to the cricket while baking
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00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,920
and her main ingredient
was always sherry.
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3/44. And Thompson 2/15...
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She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-ups
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that needed constant testing.
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00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,435
Just out of the reach
of the lead. 6/96 England.
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Mary thought her mother tested
the sherry... way too much.
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Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always 'borrowing'.
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Yesterday, she borrowed
some fish fingers from Aisle 6.
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She told Mary she put things
up her dress to save on plastic bags.
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Vera was indeed a complicated soul.
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Mary stopped daydreaming
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and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.
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Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freeway
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after it had fallen off the back
of a slaughter truck.
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She named him Ethel.
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It was time to watch 'The Noblets'.
She adored 'The Noblets'
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because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapot
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and had oodles of friends.
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There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,
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than the smell of a wet rooster...
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..the sound of rain on the roof
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and the taste of sweetened
condensed milk straight from the can
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while watching your favourite cartoon.
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Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched 'The Noblets'.
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Max's small television
had picture but no sound.
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His big television, sound but no picture.
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He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets'
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as they lived in a delineated
and articulated social structure
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with constant adherent conformity
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and also because they had
oodles of friends.
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00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,678
Max had trouble sleeping
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00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:25,880
and had spent the night watching
television and catching fish food.
81
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:30,351
He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.
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00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:37,760
He wondered if he should go to bed
and count sheep
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or have one more chocolate hotdog.
84
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He thought he'd try both
but it didn't work.
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It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes since
Henry VIII had passed away.
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And Henry's death
had thrown Max's life into disarray.
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It had become asymmetrical
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and the sooner
he got a new fish, the better.
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00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,315
Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
and get another Henry -
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Henry IX.
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Next.
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00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,000
It was shopping day
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00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:36,880
and Mary sat patiently while her mother
'borrowed' some envelopes.
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00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,520
To fill in time, she scanned the room
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00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,400
and counted how many things
were brown.
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00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,760
There was sticky tape, rubber bands
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00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:49,160
and a phone book with a picture
of a lady standing in a brown lake
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with her hand on fire.
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People had weird names in America,
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.
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00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:02,600
Funny-sounding people called
Rockefeller and Finkelstein.
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00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,840
She wondered what they looked like,
how old they were
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00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:11,560
and if they were married, wore glasses,
or had found babies in their beer.
103
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,680
Maybe in the USA
they found babies elsewhere.
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00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,280
They drank a lot of cola.
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00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,640
Maybe they found them in cans.
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But, no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.
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Mary had an idea.
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She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.
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She chose a Mr M Horowitz.
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Aarrgh, Mrs Dinkle!
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00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:53,238
Come back here, Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!
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00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:54,954
Aaarghhhh!
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Dear Mr M Horowitz,
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my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle
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and I am 8 years old,
3 months and 9 days.
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My favourite colour is brown
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and my favourite food
is sweetened condensed milk
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followed closely by chocolate.
119
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:23,480
I have a rooster called Ethel
that looks like this.
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00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,160
He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.
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00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,876
My mother likes smoking,
cricket and sherry
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and my father likes playing in his shed
with dead birds.
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Where do babies come from
in America?
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Do they come from cola cans?
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00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:45,352
In Australia
they are found in beer glasses.
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Here is a drawing of me.
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00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,157
I can't draw ears proper
but I'm good at teeth.
128
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:55,520
It would be great if you could write back
and be my friend.
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00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,354
Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle.
130
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PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.
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It's called a Cherry Ripe.
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00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,955
Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write.
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Max hated Thursdays -
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00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:01,159
the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
135
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,600
And tonight he'd felt
especially unsettled
136
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:09,080
because he'd eaten two chocolate
hotdogs on his way there.
137
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,240
OK, class...
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00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,630
Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.
139
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,600
He'd found the night
even more unbearable
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00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,400
because of Marjorie Butterworth's
strange glances.
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00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,958
Class dismissed.
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00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:26,560
Max had trouble understanding
non-verbal signals.
143
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,189
Flirting was as foreign to him
as jogging.
144
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,235
Max found most people very confusing.
145
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,120
But little did Max realise
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00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,511
his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.
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00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,309
Hmm.
148
00:14:53,760 --> 00:15:01,269
He read Mary's letter four times
and then did what he normally did
149
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,750
whenever confronted
with something new and stressful.
150
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:21,240
Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.
151
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,000
And after staring out of the window
for 18 hours
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00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080
he finally made a decision.
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00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,760
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
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00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,960
thank you for the letter,
which I opened and read at 9.17 pm
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00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:59,715
after my Overeaters Anonymous class.
156
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,600
I am trying to lose weight
157
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,880
because my psychiatrist,
Dr Bernard Hazelhof,
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00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:08,350
says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind.
159
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,440
Ooooh!
160
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,228
He says my mind is not that healthy.
161
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:19,600
Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.
162
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,520
I have never met anyone from Australia.
163
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,432
Firstly, I will answer your question.
164
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:33,360
Unfortunately, in America,
babies are not found in cola cans.
165
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,080
I asked my mother when I was four
166
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:41,234
and she said they came from eggs
laid by rabbis.
167
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,680
If you aren't Jewish,
they're laid by Catholic nuns.
168
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:49,480
If you're an atheist,
they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.
169
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,320
So this is where babies come from
in America.
170
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,640
I share my home with a fish,
171
00:16:55,640 --> 00:17:01,240
some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists...
172
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,720
..a parakeet called Mr Biscuit
173
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,480
and, finally, a cat called Hal.
174
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:14,920
'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis,
from which he suffers.
175
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,360
He followed me home
after a gang of children
176
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,400
shot his eye out with a beebee gun.
177
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,240
Do you have a pet kangaroo?
178
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:27,280
When I was born, my father
left my mother and me on a kibbutz.
179
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,600
She shot herself with my uncle's gun
when I was six.
180
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,280
Do you like chocolate hotdogs?
181
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:39,200
I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.
182
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:45,360
When I was young, I invented
an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.
183
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,440
My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymore
184
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,035
so he just sits in the corner and reads.
185
00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:01,840
Last week I picked up
128 cigarette butts.
186
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,880
People are always littering in New York.
187
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:09,440
I do not understand
why people break laws.
188
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,560
Butts are bad
because they wash out to sea
189
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:17,680
and fish smoke them
and become nicotine dependent.
190
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,080
I am just joking because, of course,
191
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:25,920
it is impossible for a cigarette
to remain lit underwater.
192
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:30,391
Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.
193
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,360
I am 44 years old
194
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,840
and have 8 tracksuits
the same colour and size.
195
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,400
I weigh 352 lb...
196
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,400
Ooooh!
197
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,868
..and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.
198
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,400
Welcome to the New York Lottery!
199
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,072
I enjoy entering the lottery
200
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,760
and have chosen the same numbers
for 9 years.
201
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,720
Those numbers are 3... 1
202
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,720
5... 4
203
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,680
6... 25
204
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,240
9... 2
205
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,720
11... 7
206
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,920
And 12... 8
207
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,160
Are you a winner?
208
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,798
Or a loser?
209
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,080
I have had many different jobs
during my life.
210
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:25,840
My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.
211
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:29,200
My second job was at Yiddel's
Gourmet Kosher Supplies
212
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,720
where I worked at the machine that made
pre-packaged noodle kugels.
213
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,360
I was born Jewish
and used to believe in God
214
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,873
but I've since read many books
215
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,360
that have proven God
is just a figment of my imagination.
216
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:47,120
People like to believe in God because
it answers complicated questions
217
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,560
like where did the universe come from,
218
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:51,760
do worms go to heaven...
219
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,240
do worms go to heaven...
220
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:56,277
..and why do old ladies have blue hair?
221
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,120
Even though I'm an atheist,
222
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:02,520
I still wear my yarmulke
as it keeps my brain warm.
223
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:08,680
My third job was for a company
that printed logos on novelty items.
224
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,990
I worked at the frisbee printing machine.
225
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,360
A frisbee is a circular plastic disc
that people throw at each other.
226
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,032
It is like a boomerang
227
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,912
but it does not come back.
228
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,749
My fourth job was when
I was called up for jury duty.
229
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:33,280
I didn't get paid much
but got free cookies and coffee.
230
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,716
Jurors are outstanding members
of the community
231
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,520
who haven't murdered anybody.
232
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,160
I made it to the short list
233
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,516
for a trial where a man
killed all his friends
234
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,560
at his own surprise birthday party.
235
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,240
Unfortunately, I didn't get selected
because they found out
236
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,640
I'd been a mental patient at one point.
237
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,480
Have you ever been hang gliding?
238
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,040
My fifth job was as a garbage collector.
239
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,680
I got to clean up after litterbugs
and didn't have to talk to anybody.
240
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:09,280
Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot.
241
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,960
This is 911.
Your call has been placed in a queue.
242
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,000
One time the police took me in
for questioning
243
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,560
but let me go when they decided
I wasn't a threat to anybody
244
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,560
except myself.
245
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:39,280
The sixth job I had
was for the United States Army
246
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,840
in the stationery supply department.
247
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,680
Because I am good with numbers
248
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,880
I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.
249
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,080
One day they did a security check
250
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,840
and asked whether I was a member
of any radical groups.
251
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:59,160
I told them I was a member of
the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.
252
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:04,040
They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.
253
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:09,240
Fortunately, I did not remember
to tell them I was once a communist.
254
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,629
Have you ever been a communist?
255
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,840
Have you ever been attacked by a crow
or similar large bird?
256
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,600
When I was 9, a crow attacked me
on my way to school.
257
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:28,000
I had to have three stitches
258
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:32,073
and in spring I now wear a helmet
with eyes I have painted on.
259
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,960
People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet.
260
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,200
I'm not sure why.
261
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:41,800
People often confuse me
but I try not to let them worry me.
262
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,560
New York is a very busy
and noisy place.
263
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,080
I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieter
264
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:52,355
Iike the moon.
265
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:58,400
I don't like crowds, bright lights,
sudden noises or strong smells.
266
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,120
New York has all these
267
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,880
especially the smells.
268
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,600
I often wear nose and ear plugs
when I go outside.
269
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,800
It helps keep me calm.
270
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:16,320
I find humans interesting but I have
trouble understanding them.
271
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:21,155
I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.
272
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:27,320
You appear very happy and I think
you would smell like a shrimp
273
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,551
as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.
274
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,280
Can you speed-read?
275
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,560
I have taught myself to read
two pages at once -
276
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,680
one eyeball per page.
277
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,000
I have to go now
278
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,960
even though I have not told you
about my 7th job,
279
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,720
in a condom factory.
280
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,360
Write back soon.
281
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:55,800
Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
282
00:23:55,800 --> 00:24:00,560
PS. Please find enclosed
a photo from one of those booths.
283
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,360
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe
284
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:07,800
and I am glad you like chocolate
as much as I do.
285
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,640
I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milk
286
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,760
but I will try some this week.
287
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,231
PPPS. I have never used a condom.
288
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,276
Gey gezunterheyt.
289
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,760
Max hoped Mary would write again.
290
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,680
He'd always wanted a friend.
291
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:35,360
A friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet or rubber figurine.
292
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:40,160
He counted the stars and wondered
how many days, hours, minutes
293
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,676
it would take his letter
to reach Australia.
294
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,550
Vera was not impressed...
295
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,520
Aaaarrgh!
296
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:58,880
..not impressed at all.
297
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:04,680
This nutcase would not be her daughter's
penfriend, she thought.
298
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,520
There was enough ugliness in the world.
299
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,160
Mary would be home from school
in an hour -
300
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,880
enough time for another cup of tea
and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves
301
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:19,200
and dissolve the memory of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.
302
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,716
Yeah, he's out.
Unbelievable. 14. England 7/150.
303
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,520
Stop! Wait!
304
00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:01,320
Hey, fellas, you got room
for one more bag?
305
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,920
Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in!
306
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,911
Good one, Kevin!
307
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,720
Aaaarghhh!
308
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,072
Come on, Vera.
We 've got some other bags to pick up!
309
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:27,396
Ooh. Hmm.
310
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,040
Mary, is that all the rubbish?
311
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,960
Yep!
312
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,520
See ya, Toots!
313
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,795
Sweet baby Jesus.
314
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,635
Ooooah!
315
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:59,309
Even though Max's letter smelt
like fish heads and orange peel,
316
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:03,400
Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soup
317
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,600
and hadn't been this excited
318
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:10,799
since Grandpoppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.
319
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,440
She wrote back immediately
320
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,880
on some butchers' paper
she'd stolen from some chops.
321
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:20,800
(Mary): Dear Max,
I'm so excited you've wroted back.
322
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,680
I don't think my parents like you
so from now on
323
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,840
send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop
324
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,755
at 26 Lamington Drive,
Mt Waverley.
325
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,680
He's old with no legs.
326
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,360
They got chew'd'ed off
in World War II
327
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,160
when some Japanese peoples
kept him in a cage above piranhas.
328
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,311
Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.
329
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:54,160
He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia.
330
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,960
He's started giving me 50 cents a week
to get his mail.
331
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:07,760
I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
and marry a man called Earl Grey.
332
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,160
Do you get 'The Noblets' in America?
333
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:14,000
Well, my favourite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.
334
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:19,640
He wants to be everyone's friend,
even the boys'!
335
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:23,240
In your letter, you said
you had no friends.
336
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,440
Well, neither do I.
337
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,079
A-ha!
338
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,948
Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed
on my spam sandwich
339
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:36,040
and called me 'poo face'
'cos of my birthmark.
340
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,080
I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid.
341
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,320
He also laughed
'cos I had no buttons.
342
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,400
Ethel pecked them off
343
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:48,760
and Mum couldn't thread a needle
'cos she'd been testing the sherry
344
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,193
so she used pegs instead.
345
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:59,674
When I got home, I climbed into
my secret place till dinner time.
346
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:02,440
The other kids also laugh at my haircut.
347
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,120
Dad has to cut my hair
because mum says
348
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:08,120
real hairdressers
sell your hair to Chinamen
349
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:09,640
who stuff mattresses.
350
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,920
My teacher, Mrs Pendergast,
says I should smile more.
351
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:20,675
I told my mum
and so she drawed a big smile on me.
352
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,480
I don't think Mrs Pendergast
likes me anymore.
353
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:36,440
I better go now.
My tears are smudgling my words.
354
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:41,840
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
355
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:48,800
PS. Have you ever been teased?
Can you help me?
356
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:55,040
PSS. I've never been hang gliding
before or been a 'commune-ist'
357
00:29:55,040 --> 00:30:00,080
but would love a frisbee
and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
358
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:06,960
PSSS. I'm sending you some
Australian chocolate, a pompom I made
359
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:11,238
and a cake called a lamington,
which I was meant to eat for lunch.
360
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:37,797
Have you ever been teased?
361
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,870
Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!
362
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,920
Mary's letter triggered memories
363
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,480
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.
364
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:51,678
We've got him cornered now.
Hey, Jew-boy, you 're gonna pay...
365
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:56,956
Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy.
366
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,599
And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.
367
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,720
And 36 chocolate hotdogs later...
368
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:20,800
..and after only two hours sleep,
369
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:27,760
Max's meltdown faded away
and an idea popped into his brain.
370
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,593
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
371
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:38,400
thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
lamington and pompom.
372
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,640
The chocolate got crushed, so I blended
the bits with milk and icecream
373
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:45,154
and now I am drinking it right now.
374
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:52,320
After much thought, I think I have
a solution to your teasing.
375
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:54,356
Tell Bernie Clifford
your birthmark is made of chocolate,
376
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,160
which means when you get to heaven
377
00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:02,680
you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.
378
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:06,320
This of course is a lie -
I do not like lies -
379
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:10,029
but in this case
I think it will be of benefit.
380
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,880
I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolate
381
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:18,351
but, of course, I cannot
because of my atheism.
382
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,040
My neighbour Ivy is also an atheist.
383
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:29,280
She doesn't talk much but makes me
very good soup on Sunday nights.
384
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,240
She is partly blind
385
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,800
and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup. Eeugh!
386
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:42,960
I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof
says this would be i mpolite.
387
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:46,480
Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights.
388
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,760
Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,
389
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,760
Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,
390
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:55,000
Wednesdays -
Captain Salty's Fishstix,
391
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,640
Thursdays - Y entls Cheezy Blintz
392
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,916
and Fridays - chicken nuggets.
393
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,400
On Saturday nights
I create my own recipes.
394
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:08,760
Last week I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.
395
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:12,040
Recipes are like
mathematical equations.
396
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:18,720
Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should
never weigh more than your refrigerator
397
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:23,440
and to never eat
anything bigger than your head.
398
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:27,194
I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my head
399
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:30,118
but not all at once.
400
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,880
Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?
401
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:36,880
My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be working
402
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,880
and just make me tense.
403
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,320
It would be good
if there was a 'Fat Fairy'.
404
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:55,511
She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy
but would suck out your fat.
405
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:05,840
Ivy says she is only a 'little bit' blind
but I think she is very blind.
406
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:09,469
She should get a cane
like other vision-impaired people.
407
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,920
She could make the end pointy
408
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,275
and collect rubbish at the same time.
409
00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:20,395
I think I will write a letter to the Mayor
and suggest this.
410
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,040
He will be very impressed.
411
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:29,120
Ivy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell.
412
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:36,000
She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.
413
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:40,232
She says I smell like liquorice
and old books.
414
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:49,400
I think she smells like cough medicine
and urine.
415
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,280
I have never told her this
416
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:56,520
as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.
417
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,914
People often think
I am tactless and rude.
418
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:12,280
I cannot understand how
being honest can be... improper.
419
00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:17,800
Maybe this is why
I don't have any friends
420
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,518
of course except for you.
421
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,800
A real friend has been
one of my three goals in life.
422
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:31,835
The other two are to own every Noblet
and a lifetime supply of chocolate.
423
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:38,200
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goals
424
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:43,120
but not stupid ones like mine.
425
00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,350
I have now run out of things to tell you.
426
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,360
Please, write soon.
427
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:56,160
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
428
00:35:56,160 --> 00:36:00,440
PS. Do not worry about not smiling.
429
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,880
My mouth hardly ever smiles
430
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:07,520
but it does not mean
I am not smiling inside my brain.
431
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:13,680
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,
432
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,880
some Chocolate Pop Rocks,
which you should eat with cola,
433
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:22,637
and an illustration of a turtle
from one of my National Geographics.
434
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:27,999
PPPS. Did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?
435
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:34,000
Dear Max,
436
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:35,960
when I told Bernie Clifford
437
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:39,720
I'll be in charge of all the chocolate
in heaven and he wouldn't get any,
438
00:36:39,720 --> 00:36:41,080
he cried.
439
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:48,040
I also hide'd some dog's poo
in his bit of the sandpit.
440
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:52,158
Your advice was great and
I've got a job delivering pamphlets
441
00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:55,320
so I can save to come and see you.
442
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,360
I am sad to hear you are fat.
443
00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:01,558
Mum says I am fat too
and I'm growing up to be a heifer,
444
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,280
which I think is a type of cow.
445
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:09,600
Maybe you should only eat things
beginning with the letter of each day.
446
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,000
On Mondays you could only eat
447
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:17,520
milkshakes, marshmallows
and... mustard.
448
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:19,080
Oooh!
449
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:27,120
For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake
and Dad gave me a camera.
450
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,520
I hope you like the photos I sent.
451
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,840
The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.
452
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,360
The next one is one of myself
453
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:42,320
after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks
with the cola, like you said.
454
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,280
Next is Len.
455
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:50,515
He's still trying hard not to be afraid of
outside and conquer his homophobia.
456
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:57,400
The next one is of dad in his shed,
457
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,560
and then one of the times
I covered mum
458
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,520
while she was asleep in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.
459
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,720
Next, when I got my slinky
caught in my hair.
460
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:13,480
Then one of the times Sonny
digged up his wife, Cher.
461
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:20,000
And, finally, a photo of my other
neighbour Damian Popodopolous.
462
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:24,000
He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dishwashing liquid
463
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:29,240
and his skin is smooth,
like the back of a spoon.
464
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:35,200
Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
and can't even say his own surname.
465
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:40,240
She says you have to hit him
on the back of the head
466
00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:41,559
to get his words out.
467
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,437
P-P-P-P... Popodopolous.
468
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,680
I wish he was my boyfriend
and we can be in love and do sexing
469
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:50,399
Iike Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.
470
00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:53,560
She said it's when two people
go 'nuddy'
471
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,028
and rub on each other to make babies.
472
00:38:57,040 --> 00:39:01,600
I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell and burn like toast
473
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:04,360
'cos babies really come
from beer glasses
474
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:08,512
and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'.
475
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,560
She said ladies get knocked up
476
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:13,600
and bake babies in their stomachs
for 2 years
477
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:17,195
till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners'
with blood and tinned spaghetti.
478
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:21,480
Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?
479
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,920
Have you done sexing?
480
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,240
Valentine's Day is soon
481
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:30,109
and I want to give Damian a present
so he can love me.
482
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:33,240
Can you explain love
and how I can be 'lover'd'?
483
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:38,920
Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.
484
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,360
Max knew nothing about love.
485
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:46,160
It was as foreign to him as scuba diving
486
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,073
and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.
487
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,560
One Valentine's Day
488
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:57,554
he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift
he was sure was appropriate.
489
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:06,909
The only companion
that had ever warmed Max's bed
490
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:08,956
was his hot water bottle.
491
00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:11,680
Romance and love
492
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,752
was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.
493
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,600
If only Mary had asked
how a toaster works
494
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,000
or asked for an explanation
of the Chaos theory.
495
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:26,278
If only there was
a mathematical equation for love.
496
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,469
He kept eating and thinking.
497
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:51,720
But love was not like Max's
Rubik's Cube. It could not be solved.
498
00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:55,110
No matter how he analysed it,
the results were negative.
499
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,320
Beat it, creep!
500
00:40:57,320 --> 00:41:00,600
He felt love but couldn't articulate it.
501
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:04,798
Its logic was as foreign to him as...
as a salad sandwich.
502
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,116
The stars made more sense.
503
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:19,160
12, have you responded
to the call? Over.
504
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:22,400
The anxiety and stress were too much.
505
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:28,236
The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.
506
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,520
He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesity
507
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:45,878
and spent the next 8 months
institutionalised and bedridden.
508
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:49,080
They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugs
509
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:52,595
and performed
the usual 'therapeutic' procedures.
510
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,280
Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.
511
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:05,918
Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.
512
00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:09,630
Maybe America had run out of ink.
513
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,509
Maybe his pets had eaten him.
514
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,990
Maybe it was her.
515
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:20,471
Was she too demanding,
too boring, too... ugly?
516
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:32,068
Filled with anger, confusion
and self-loathing,
517
00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:36,790
Mary tried to erase
the memory of her friend forever.
518
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:25,394
Max had recovered.
519
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:30,110
And life was balanced, safe
and symmetrical once again.
520
00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:37,160
But Mary still lingered in his mind.
521
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,840
Half of him wanted to write to her
immediately.
522
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:44,160
The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.
523
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:49,040
At least there was always Mr Ravioli
to be friends with.
524
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,918
He was a much safer option.
525
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,674
He wondered what Mary was doing
right now.
526
00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:00,280
But she was far from content
527
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:06,116
and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.
528
00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:15,480
Life went on as usual for Max
529
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:19,200
and even though he opted
for order and stability,
530
00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:22,510
misfortune was never far away.
531
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:54,480
Luckily, his manslaughter charges
were dismissed
532
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:57,320
because he was labelled
mentally deficient
533
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,360
and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist...
534
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,475
Oop.
535
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:04,039
..unlike most people.
536
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,280
From then on,
Max cooled himself differently
537
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:11,680
and things went back to normal
538
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:17,400
until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.
539
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,720
Welcome to the New York Lottery
540
00:45:19,720 --> 00:45:21,840
and these are tonight's
winning numbers -
541
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:25,000
3, 5,
542
00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:30,720
6, 9,
543
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:36,431
11 and 12!
544
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,360
Max was sensible
with his sudden wealth
545
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,480
and had bought a lifetime supply
of chocolate
546
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:24,440
and the complete Noblet collection.
547
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,756
Two of his life goals had come true.
548
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:34,680
But he still had a lot of money
549
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,040
so decided to give it to Ivy...
550
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:41,392
..who was also very sensible...
551
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,639
..until her own numbers came up.
552
00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:29,720
Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,
553
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:34,640
whose owner relocated
her kind donation to his bank account,
554
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:40,880
his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.
555
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:52,240
Despite achieving all his life's goals,
556
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:56,560
Max still felt incomplete.
557
00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:59,960
Mr Ravioli just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymore
558
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:04,909
and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.
559
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,280
Mary had given Max
a taste of real friendship
560
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:11,636
and there was just no comparison.
561
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,360
She missed him too
562
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:17,158
but no longer saved to see him.
563
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:22,074
She now saved for a different reason.
564
00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:36,993
One day Mr Ravioli got up,
left and never came back.
565
00:48:40,840 --> 00:48:44,160
Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.
566
00:48:45,560 --> 00:48:50,440
He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart,
567
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:52,360
not through the eyes,
568
00:48:52,360 --> 00:49:00,040
and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true self, warts and all.
569
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:02,918
Max understood.
570
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:22,400
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
571
00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:24,868
there is something I have to tell you
572
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:28,669
which will explain
why I have not written.
573
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:34,949
Each time I received one of your letters,
I had a severe anxiety attack.
574
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:39,520
This is because recently,
while I was in a mental institution,
575
00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:46,160
they diagnosed that I have a new thing
called Asperger's syndrome,
576
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:53,200
which is a neurobiological,
pervasive, developmental disability.
577
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,800
I prefer 'Aspie' for short.
578
00:49:56,800 --> 00:50:00,600
I will now list some of the traits
of an Aspie.
579
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:07,760
No.1 - I find the world
very confusing and chaotic
580
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:12,920
because my mind
is very literal and logical.
581
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:22,195
2 - I have trouble understanding
the expressions on people's faces.
582
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:30,278
When I was younger, I made a book
to help me when I was confused.
583
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:36,350
I still have trouble with some people.
584
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:39,640
Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinkles
585
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:43,076
and because her eyebrows weren't real.
586
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:46,600
3 - I have bad handwriting,
587
00:50:46,600 --> 00:50:49,520
am hypersensitive...
588
00:50:49,520 --> 00:50:52,160
..clumsy
589
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:55,516
and can get very concerned.
590
00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:06,395
4 - I like solving problems.
Ivy said this is a good thing.
591
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:14,000
And finally No.5 -
I have trouble expressing my emotions.
592
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:19,000
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defective
593
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:24,480
but one day there will be a cure
for my disability.
594
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,880
I do not like it when he says this.
595
00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:31,760
I do not feel disabled, defective
or I need to be cured.
596
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,638
I like being an Aspie.
597
00:51:34,720 --> 00:51:38,793
It would be like trying to change
the colour of my eyes.
598
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:44,520
There is one thing
I wish I could change, however.
599
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:48,680
I wish I could cry properly.
600
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:56,240
I squeeze and squeeze
but nothing... comes out.
601
00:51:56,240 --> 00:51:59,600
I cry when I cut onions
but this does not count.
602
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:02,400
Anyway, do you like the word 'cumquat'?
603
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:04,440
It is a type of fruit.
604
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:07,159
Do you have
a favourite-sounding word?
605
00:52:07,240 --> 00:52:11,000
My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,
606
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:14,240
Vladivostok, banana
607
00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,117
and testicle.
608
00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:21,753
I have also invented some new words -
609
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:28,951
'confuzzled', which is being confused
and puzzled at the same time,
610
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:33,636
'snirt', which is a cross between
snow and dirt,
611
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:36,040
and 'smushables'...
612
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:41,520
..which are squashed groceries
you find at the bottom of the bag.
613
00:52:41,520 --> 00:52:45,360
I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary people
614
00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:48,640
asking them to include my words
615
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:51,837
but I have not heard back.
616
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:56,160
It is now time for me to go
to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
617
00:52:56,160 --> 00:52:59,640
There is a woman there
called Marjorie Buttersworth
618
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:01,949
who confuzzles me.
619
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,920
She kisses me without my permission
620
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:12,519
so tonight I have decided to rub onions
under my armpits to repel her.
621
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:17,430
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
622
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:24,120
PS. Please find enclosed
623
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,874
some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.
624
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:33,080
PPS. Not much has happened
since I last wrote
625
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:39,428
except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win and Ivy's death.
626
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:45,960
Mary was thrilled
Max had finally written
627
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,680
and suddenly had a fabulous idea.
628
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:50,557
A-ha!
629
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:26,760
Mary and Max's friendship
was resuscitated
630
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:31,800
and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.
631
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:35,952
Inside Max's head
his brain was smiling.
632
00:54:37,480 --> 00:54:40,000
Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,
633
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:44,360
their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.
634
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:47,640
Max learnt to read Mary's letters
with caution
635
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:51,553
and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop,
636
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:55,269
take his medication
and soothe his nerves.
637
00:54:55,360 --> 00:55:01,120
Each letter he would iron, laminate
and file in a special place,
638
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:04,157
which also soothed his nerves.
639
00:55:08,360 --> 00:55:12,751
He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like -
640
00:55:12,840 --> 00:55:15,600
Do sheep shrink when it rains?
641
00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:19,520
Why do old men
wear their pants so high?
642
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:24,680
Do gooses get goosebumps
and why is bellybutton lint blue?
643
00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:26,320
Are there Noblets in heaven?
644
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:30,920
And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?
645
00:55:30,920 --> 00:55:36,680
In turn, Mary simply enjoyed
hearing about Max's fascinating life -
646
00:55:36,680 --> 00:55:39,035
how many people
he'd counted littering...
647
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:46,560
..how the latest Henry had died...
648
00:55:55,720 --> 00:55:58,871
..and new recipes he'd invented
for chicken.
649
00:56:02,320 --> 00:56:04,320
Each nourished the other
650
00:56:04,320 --> 00:56:07,120
and, as Mary grew taller,
651
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:09,080
Max grew wider -
652
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:14,632
their friendship becoming stronger
than the glue on Mary's Noblets.
653
00:56:18,760 --> 00:56:21,600
Although Max found solace in Mary,
654
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:24,840
he still found the rest of the world
bewildering.
655
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:26,600
And he couldn't understand
656
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:29,560
why he was seen as the odd one
657
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:32,438
while everyone else
was considered normal.
658
00:56:34,240 --> 00:56:37,720
Humans were endlessly illogical.
659
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:42,880
Why did they throw out food when
there were children starving in lndia?
660
00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:47,520
Why did they clear the rainforests
when they needed the oxygen?
661
00:56:47,520 --> 00:56:54,120
And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?
662
00:56:54,120 --> 00:57:00,640
He agreed with his favourite physicist
that there are only two things infinite -
663
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:04,520
the universe and man's stupidity.
664
00:57:06,080 --> 00:57:11,720
And for Mary, even though
Max filled her with confidence...
665
00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:12,680
Bullseye!
666
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:16,160
..her world was far from perfect.
667
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:19,550
The grip of love had her by the throat.
668
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:44,720
At 4.59 pm, on the 8th of the 8th 1988...
669
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:51,200
..Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last string
670
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:57,320
and, after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags, he retired.
671
00:57:57,320 --> 00:58:02,240
To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermy
672
00:58:02,240 --> 00:58:05,960
and taking up metal detecting instead.
673
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:09,509
But, sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.
674
00:58:45,360 --> 00:58:48,720
In his will, Noel had left Mary
some money
675
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:53,555
so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,
676
00:58:53,640 --> 00:58:57,440
yearning to learn more about her friend.
677
00:58:57,440 --> 00:59:03,320
Mary was as popular at university
as she was at school.
678
00:59:03,320 --> 00:59:06,680
Damian went there too,
aching to be a Thespian.
679
00:59:06,680 --> 00:59:09,560
Hi there, M-M-Mary.
680
00:59:09,560 --> 00:59:13,109
Hi... hello!
681
00:59:22,080 --> 00:59:24,800
That was damn f-f-funny!
682
00:59:54,480 --> 01:00:00,120
Hey, Damian,
your mum's roses look fab!
683
01:00:00,120 --> 01:00:02,600
Oh, th-thanks, Mary.
684
01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:05,040
Um, M-Mary,
can I tell you something?
685
01:00:05,040 --> 01:00:06,880
Sure, babe!
686
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:11,874
Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo
on your shoe.
687
01:00:23,560 --> 01:00:25,480
Dear Max,
688
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:27,400
I have been such an idiot.
689
01:00:27,400 --> 01:00:29,840
I've wasted all my money
on something pointless
690
01:00:29,840 --> 01:00:31,717
when I should have been saving
to see you.
691
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:36,680
I know love upsets you
so I won't go on about it.
692
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:41,000
All I want to say is that love
is obviously not for me.
693
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:45,280
I hope you are well and enjoy
the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.
694
01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:46,599
Love Mary.
695
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:03,360
Oh, you should be ashamed!
696
01:01:03,360 --> 01:01:05,590
- Come on, baby. Let's go.
- Oh, Mum...
697
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:08,752
I told you never to talk to strangers.
698
01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:22,440
Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guilt
699
01:01:22,440 --> 01:01:26,831
and she coped
in the only way she knew.
700
01:02:58,880 --> 01:03:00,440
Dear Max,
701
01:03:00,440 --> 01:03:03,920
our wedding day was everything
I have ever dreamt,
702
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:06,840
making up for the terrible year I've had.
703
01:03:09,000 --> 01:03:11,720
Although all the guests
were Damian's family and friends,
704
01:03:11,720 --> 01:03:13,711
I felt very welcome.
705
01:03:17,240 --> 01:03:21,840
Damian is so perfect.
He even made my wedding dress.
706
01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:23,120
And for our honeymoon
707
01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:26,476
he took me to Mykonos -
his favourite island in Greece.
708
01:03:26,600 --> 01:03:28,240
I got to ride a donkey
709
01:03:28,240 --> 01:03:31,760
and found the perfect gift for Len.
710
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,720
Poor Len, he's still struggling
with his agoraphobia.
711
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:39,440
Aaaaahhhh!
712
01:03:43,480 --> 01:03:46,160
Damian and I are so similar.
713
01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:50,199
He even has his own penfriend, who lives
on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
714
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,800
Mary... M-M-M-Mary.
715
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:58,598
Mary... M-M-M-Mary.
716
01:03:58,680 --> 01:04:00,272
Ohhh.
717
01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:05,552
Mary was bursting with self-esteem
718
01:04:05,640 --> 01:04:08,520
and her confidence
was almost unbearable.
719
01:04:10,400 --> 01:04:13,040
At university, she shone
720
01:04:13,040 --> 01:04:18,194
and took it upon herself
to cure the world of mental illness.
721
01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:27,760
She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndrome
722
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:31,639
and used Max as her case study.
723
01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:34,320
Her professors
were thoroughly impressed
724
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:38,040
and her writing praised far and wide.
725
01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:41,560
Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insight
726
01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:48,880
and by her 25th birthday, thousands
of copies were ready to be shipped.
727
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:50,640
Dear Max,
728
01:04:50,640 --> 01:04:52,200
I am very proud to give you
729
01:04:52,200 --> 01:04:55,600
the very first copy of my book
about your disability
730
01:04:55,600 --> 01:04:59,832
and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it.
731
01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:01,760
Even more exciting
732
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:07,278
is that I am finally coming to meet and
celebrate with you in one week's time.
733
01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:10,480
I'm also going to give you
half the royalties.
734
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:13,800
Your loving friend, Mary.
735
01:05:13,800 --> 01:05:18,157
PS. Please find enclosed
some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
736
01:05:22,920 --> 01:05:27,240
Max didn't take the news very well -
737
01:05:27,240 --> 01:05:30,120
not very well at all.
738
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:32,880
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
739
01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:38,040
I cannot express myself
very clearly at this moment
740
01:05:38,040 --> 01:05:44,200
and so I will list my emotions
in the order they feel most intense -
741
01:05:44,200 --> 01:05:51,520
hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal,
discomfort, distress and wheeziness.
742
01:05:51,520 --> 01:05:54,680
This last one is not really an emotion
743
01:05:54,680 --> 01:05:57,240
but I thought you should know about it
anyway.
744
01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:32,629
With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said goodbye to Damian.
745
01:06:32,720 --> 01:06:40,120
She hadn't been this excited since
she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.
746
01:06:40,120 --> 01:06:44,360
But her excitement
suddenly dribbled away
747
01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:46,794
Iike a chocolate in the sun.
748
01:07:55,640 --> 01:08:00,111
Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression, self-loathing
749
01:08:00,240 --> 01:08:02,440
and cooking sherry.
750
01:08:02,440 --> 01:08:07,880
The only colour left in her life
was her beloved Damian,
751
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:13,640
only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.
752
01:08:18,440 --> 01:08:23,720
She lost interest in the world
and it lost interest in her
753
01:08:23,720 --> 01:08:28,600
as a horrible apparition began to haunt.
754
01:08:28,600 --> 01:08:32,760
She started to spend her nights
making pompoms
755
01:08:32,760 --> 01:08:36,070
and eating two-minute noodles.
756
01:09:36,480 --> 01:09:39,790
Each day, with strength and shame,
757
01:09:39,880 --> 01:09:43,920
Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,
758
01:09:43,920 --> 01:09:48,960
only to swivel, shrivel
and slink back inside.
759
01:10:40,840 --> 01:10:42,760
My dearest Mary,
760
01:10:42,760 --> 01:10:45,957
by the time you read this,
I will be on a plane to New Zealand
761
01:10:46,040 --> 01:10:48,235
to begin a new life.
762
01:10:48,320 --> 01:10:52,240
You probably haven 't even noticed
I'd packed my bags.
763
01:10:52,240 --> 01:10:56,680
I have fallen in love
with my penfriend, Desmond,
764
01:10:56,680 --> 01:10:59,200
and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.
765
01:11:01,600 --> 01:11:05,080
It's been hard to watch you become
a remnant of the person I once loved.
766
01:11:05,080 --> 01:11:07,880
Your research into m-m-mental illness
has been a dmirable
767
01:11:07,880 --> 01:11:13,040
but your i-idealistic pursuit to remedy it
has been misguided.
768
01:11:13,040 --> 01:11:16,077
Mary, you have to realise y-you are not
a magic beauty cream
769
01:11:16,160 --> 01:11:20,440
you can smooth on the world
to rid it of its wrinkles.
770
01:11:20,440 --> 01:11:22,240
I love you, Mary,
771
01:11:22,240 --> 01:11:25,400
but I love Desmond more.
772
01:11:25,400 --> 01:11:28,640
I hope one day your heart will heal
and we can be friends.
773
01:11:28,640 --> 01:11:31,632
Yours compassionately,
Damian.
774
01:11:53,600 --> 01:11:56,360
Aaaarghh!
775
01:11:56,360 --> 01:11:58,480
Dear Mayor Ridiculani,
776
01:11:58,480 --> 01:12:06,400
on Monday I counted 27 people
illegally dropping cigarette butts.
777
01:12:06,400 --> 01:12:08,960
I would like to recommend
the fine be increased
778
01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:14,000
to a minimum of $1 million
as a stronger deterrent
779
01:12:14,000 --> 01:12:17,197
and would be happy...
780
01:12:49,040 --> 01:12:52,555
Thank you.
781
01:13:33,840 --> 01:13:35,876
Sorry.
782
01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:57,200
Dear Mary,
783
01:13:57,200 --> 01:14:01,480
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection
784
01:14:01,480 --> 01:14:04,597
as a sign that I forgive you.
785
01:14:05,680 --> 01:14:09,150
When I received your book,
the emotions inside...
786
01:15:03,480 --> 01:15:08,280
On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.
787
01:15:08,280 --> 01:15:10,800
He felt complete -
788
01:15:10,800 --> 01:15:13,837
the world was back in balance.
789
01:16:32,280 --> 01:16:37,560
# When I was just a little girl
790
01:16:37,560 --> 01:16:43,271
# I asked my mother, what will I be?
791
01:16:44,400 --> 01:16:50,520
# Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
792
01:16:50,520 --> 01:16:54,720
# Here's what she said to me...
793
01:16:54,720 --> 01:17:00,440
# Que sera sera
794
01:17:00,440 --> 01:17:05,880
# Whatever will be will be
795
01:17:05,880 --> 01:17:10,800
# The future's not ours to see
796
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:15,316
# Que sera sera
797
01:17:40,440 --> 01:17:44,920
# Que sera sera
798
01:17:44,920 --> 01:17:50,640
# Whatever will be will be
799
01:17:50,640 --> 01:17:55,680
# The future's not ours to see
800
01:17:55,680 --> 01:17:59,992
# Que sera sera
801
01:18:01,120 --> 01:18:05,238
# What will be will be
802
01:18:07,080 --> 01:18:10,914
# Que sera sera
803
01:18:32,320 --> 01:18:33,673
Ah!
804
01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:37,673
Len had saved the day
and after 45 years
805
01:18:37,760 --> 01:18:42,356
he finally conquered his agoraphobia.
806
01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:47,680
Moron!
807
01:18:57,160 --> 01:18:58,680
Dear Mary,
808
01:18:58,680 --> 01:19:03,280
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection
809
01:19:03,280 --> 01:19:07,200
as a sign that I forgive you.
810
01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:10,960
When I received your book,
the emotions inside my brain
811
01:19:10,960 --> 01:19:15,829
felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
smashing into each other.
812
01:19:17,040 --> 01:19:21,280
The hurt felt like when I accidentally
stapled my lips together.
813
01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:22,872
Ow!
814
01:19:23,000 --> 01:19:28,320
The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.
815
01:19:28,320 --> 01:19:32,160
You are imperfect, and so am l.
816
01:19:32,160 --> 01:19:35,040
All humans are imperfect,
817
01:19:35,040 --> 01:19:39,192
even the man outside my apartment
who litters.
818
01:19:39,280 --> 01:19:45,435
When I was young,
I wanted to be anybody but myself.
819
01:19:45,520 --> 01:19:49,320
Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert island
820
01:19:49,320 --> 01:19:52,920
then I would have to get used
to my own company -
821
01:19:52,920 --> 01:19:55,992
just me and the coconuts.
822
01:19:56,120 --> 01:20:02,355
He said I would have to accept myself,
my warts and all,
823
01:20:02,440 --> 01:20:05,280
and that we don't get to choose
our warts.
824
01:20:05,280 --> 01:20:08,750
They are a part of us
and we have to live with them.
825
01:20:10,560 --> 01:20:14,560
We can, however, choose our friends
826
01:20:14,560 --> 01:20:19,680
and I am glad I have chosen you.
827
01:20:19,680 --> 01:20:22,672
Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said
828
01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:27,080
that everyone's lives
are like a very long sidewalk.
829
01:20:27,080 --> 01:20:31,600
Some are well paved.
Others, like mine,
830
01:20:31,600 --> 01:20:36,960
have cracks, banana skins
and cigarette butts.
831
01:20:36,960 --> 01:20:43,638
Your sidewalk is like mine
but probably not as many cracks.
832
01:20:43,720 --> 01:20:47,508
Hopefully, one day
our sidewalks will meet
833
01:20:47,600 --> 01:20:51,070
and we can share
a can of condensed milk.
834
01:20:54,760 --> 01:21:00,756
You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.
835
01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:05,960
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
836
01:21:07,240 --> 01:21:12,040
PS. I have recently found the perfect job
with a survey company.
837
01:21:12,040 --> 01:21:16,591
All I have to do is eat things
and tick boxes.
838
01:22:35,120 --> 01:22:36,997
Max?
839
01:22:40,840 --> 01:22:42,751
Max?
840
01:22:47,480 --> 01:22:48,959
Max?
841
01:22:50,680 --> 01:22:52,557
Hello?
842
01:22:56,120 --> 01:22:58,429
Max, it's us!
843
01:22:58,520 --> 01:23:00,636
We're here!
844
01:23:02,800 --> 01:23:05,439
Oh, Max?
845
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:16,160
Max had died peacefully that morning
846
01:23:16,160 --> 01:23:20,119
after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.
847
01:24:29,040 --> 01:24:34,512
You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.
848
01:24:39,920 --> 01:24:45,200
He smelt like liquorice
and old books, she thought to herself,
849
01:24:45,200 --> 01:24:48,720
as tears rolled from her eyes
850
01:24:48,720 --> 01:24:52,474
the colour of muddy puddles.
851
01:24:53,305 --> 01:25:53,261
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