1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

2
00:00:57,306 --> 00:00:59,137
They're fighting again!

3
00:01:05,215 --> 00:01:06,477
Oh, boy.

4
00:01:07,784 --> 00:01:09,911
Don't! Wait!
Not my homework!

5
00:01:09,953 --> 00:01:11,580
No! Stop it! No!

6
00:01:12,223 --> 00:01:13,656
Problem, gentlemen?

7
00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:15,401
Hey, dork-brain!

8
00:01:15,661 --> 00:01:17,754
If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.

9
00:01:17,962 --> 00:01:21,693
Yeah? If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.

10
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:24,527
- You call me a girl?
- You called me one!

11
00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,799
Oh, you asked for it.

12
00:01:31,611 --> 00:01:33,476
Now, get outta here!

13
00:01:38,853 --> 00:01:40,343
Forget those guys.

14
00:01:40,521 --> 00:01:44,013
They're just jealous cause 
you're smart and funny.

15
00:01:44,059 --> 00:01:47,283
- And... girls like that.
- What girls?

16
00:01:48,196 --> 00:01:49,685
Lots o' girls.

17
00:01:50,298 --> 00:01:52,704
I mean...
I like you.

18
00:01:53,436 --> 00:01:54,698
Well, I don't like you.

19
00:01:54,738 --> 00:01:57,332
Now everybody thinks
I need a girl to fight for me.

20
00:01:57,374 --> 00:01:59,004
You are a dork-brain.

21
00:02:04,048 --> 00:02:05,345
My nose!

22
00:02:08,654 --> 00:02:09,882
Wimp!

23
00:02:30,211 --> 00:02:31,948
Moe and Larry in the house.

24
00:02:34,916 --> 00:02:36,474
Grant, what have 
we got out back?

25
00:02:37,219 --> 00:02:38,481
All clear here, sir.

26
00:02:39,121 --> 00:02:40,520
Matthews, what do you got?

27
00:02:41,791 --> 00:02:43,622
Returnable cans, sir.

28
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,123
<i>Think I'm up to 75 cents.</i>

29
00:02:47,564 --> 00:02:48,997
Hey, hey, hey, we got a cab.

30
00:02:51,168 --> 00:02:52,465
Here comes Curly.

31
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,655
Yep, the Three Stooges.

32
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,464
- Check it out. Ivan's packin'.
- Uh-huh.

33
00:03:39,057 --> 00:03:41,817
Yeah. Thank you!
We've got a briefcase.

34
00:03:42,325 --> 00:03:44,850
<i>Hart, waiting for
visual confirmation.</i>

35
00:03:44,895 --> 00:03:46,397
No disc yet.

36
00:03:51,236 --> 00:03:52,897
Case is opening...

37
00:03:54,573 --> 00:03:56,666
Ah, Jesus!
Woman's ass is in the way.

38
00:03:59,478 --> 00:04:01,708
Hart, we can't see 
a goddamn thing.

39
00:04:01,747 --> 00:04:03,442
<i>We need to see the discs.</i>

40
00:04:05,586 --> 00:04:08,191
This broad's got two asses!
Hart, do something!

41
00:04:08,655 --> 00:04:09,389
- Excuse me.
- Da...

42
00:04:10,428 --> 00:04:12,810
- You vanting something else?
- Yeah. Uh... You know what?

43
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:16,731
I... You know,
I really love this borscht.

44
00:04:16,731 --> 00:04:18,858
Or, as they say in Russian:

45
00:04:23,672 --> 00:04:25,799
All right, Hart. 
We got the discs.

46
00:04:25,841 --> 00:04:26,671
We're movin' in!

47
00:04:42,761 --> 00:04:44,960
FBI! Get down on the ground!
Now! Get down!

48
00:04:45,564 --> 00:04:47,293
- Get down on the ground!
- Do it!

49
00:04:47,332 --> 00:04:48,502
Keep your hands
where I can see 'em!

50
00:04:52,771 --> 00:04:53,669
No English.

51
00:05:06,163 --> 00:05:11,082
Hart! Nobody moves until I see 
some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!

52
00:05:16,131 --> 00:05:20,377
- Sir, he's turning purple!
- Hart... until we secure, you stay.

53
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:28,419
- Sir.
- Hart!

54
00:05:29,647 --> 00:05:33,083
Sir, that is one really, 
really,purple Russian, sir!

55
00:05:33,117 --> 00:05:35,278
He is still armed!
Nobody moves!

56
00:05:35,854 --> 00:05:38,425
Hands up!
Back off! Back off!

57
00:05:41,193 --> 00:05:42,770
- No, sir. He's not gonna die like this.
- Hart!

58
00:05:43,063 --> 00:05:44,690
He's not good enough for that.

59
00:05:45,731 --> 00:05:49,827
His victims didn't get a chance
to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?

60
00:05:49,869 --> 00:05:50,733
That's right.

61
00:05:51,938 --> 00:05:53,065
Now you're goin' down.

62
00:05:56,142 --> 00:05:58,737
Drop the guns... or I'll kill 'er.

63
00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:01,382
Ivan, out the back.

64
00:06:01,382 --> 00:06:03,009
You're not killing anyone,
you peanut-eating bastards.

65
00:06:07,222 --> 00:06:08,211
Step back!

66
00:06:11,756 --> 00:06:13,795
Get back!
Move it! Move it!

67
00:06:33,418 --> 00:06:34,942
Party's over, boys.

68
00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,393
How's your head,
my little piroshki?

69
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:45,926
This is gonna put you away
for a long time. You know that?

70
00:06:47,568 --> 00:06:49,469
Let's get that 
ambulance in here!

71
00:06:51,372 --> 00:06:52,396
Shut up!

72
00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:54,613
- Stay with me, all right?
- I'm sorry.

73
00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:56,970
Listen. Don't be sorry.
You did a great job!

74
00:07:12,129 --> 00:07:14,465
Nice work.
See you back there, okay?

75
00:07:14,465 --> 00:07:15,523
You got it.

76
00:07:19,905 --> 00:07:22,419
Come on, Hart.
The van's waitin'.

77
00:07:23,141 --> 00:07:26,207
I got Grant shot.
I shouldn't have moved.

78
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,411
Come on, you made a choice.

79
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:31,175
It was wrong, but that's it.
It's over.

80
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,177
By the way,
you look like hell.

81
00:09:37,627 --> 00:09:39,117
Morning, Mrs. Schwartz.
Schnatzie.

82
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,493
Good morning, Gracie.

83
00:09:41,599 --> 00:09:42,793
Hart.

84
00:09:43,099 --> 00:09:44,259
Yes, sir.

85
00:09:44,435 --> 00:09:46,369
Sir, yes, sir.
ETA, 20 minutes.

86
00:09:47,037 --> 00:09:48,886
No problem.
Uh... Breakdown?

87
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:53,721
Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Uh, 
negative. Do not need assistance.

88
00:09:54,346 --> 00:09:56,541
Ten-four, sir.
Yes, I know it's hot.

89
00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:23,976
Hey, you cannot park...

90
00:10:28,150 --> 00:10:30,259
Sorry. Sorry. It's an emergency.
Official business.

91
00:10:30,259 --> 00:10:33,254
Ma'am, aside, please.
Aside, please. Thank you.

92
00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:35,575
Official business, sir, ma'am.
Emergency. Please, step aside, sir.

93
00:10:35,575 --> 00:10:38,022
Hey, hey, hey, get lost!
I'm waiting here, uh?

94
00:10:38,062 --> 00:10:40,131
FBI. You might wanna
stay out of this, all right, sir?

95
00:10:40,131 --> 00:10:43,294
Excuse me, sir, ma'am.
Please, back off.

96
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,491
All right. I need 
eight double-tall...

97
00:10:50,909 --> 00:10:53,377
Eight double-tall lattes.
One with no foam.

98
00:10:53,377 --> 00:10:57,251
Five ice 20 decaf percent 
lattes with a long straw.

99
00:10:57,251 --> 00:10:58,398
Four caramel macchiattos.

100
00:10:58,398 --> 00:11:00,586
Double up on the cup.
I got a long way to go.

101
00:11:00,586 --> 00:11:03,645
I need two blueberry scones
with the little granules on top

102
00:11:03,645 --> 00:11:05,968
and one Starbucks 
compilation CD.

103
00:11:07,328 --> 00:11:09,193
- No! I would like...
- Oh, jeez.

104
00:11:16,738 --> 00:11:19,642
So, uh, what's goin' on?
Where's, uh... where's McDonald?

105
00:11:19,909 --> 00:11:22,603
Forget about McDonald. Could we
put out an APB on my Frappuccino?

106
00:11:22,646 --> 00:11:23,476
It's in the bag.

107
00:11:23,512 --> 00:11:25,980
So, uh, have you heard anything
about last night? Did he say anything?

108
00:11:26,016 --> 00:11:27,250
Look, just relax, all right?

109
00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,684
Don't annoy 'im.
Don't say anything. Don't argue.

110
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,847
I don't argue. I never argue.
When do I argue?

111
00:11:31,847 --> 00:11:33,766
I might... have a heated 
discussion with somebody

112
00:11:33,766 --> 00:11:35,848
when I might get very passionate
about what I say, but...

113
00:11:35,848 --> 00:11:38,660
Is this you not arguin'?
Cause you suck at it.

114
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:39,962
Morning, everybody.

115
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:40,966
Morning, sir.

116
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,704
Morning, sir. It's, uh...

117
00:11:43,552 --> 00:11:45,068
Uh, sir.

118
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,423
Okay, everybody.

119
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:50,659
I know you're all concerned
about Grant's condition.

120
00:11:50,659 --> 00:11:52,968
So I'm happy to report...

121
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,811
Jerry's gonna be fine.

122
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,440
He'll be out of the hospital
in two weeks.

123
00:11:56,517 --> 00:11:58,765
He says he's expecting
lots of gifts.

124
00:12:00,421 --> 00:12:01,866
Okay, okay, everybody.

125
00:12:02,924 --> 00:12:06,916
So much for the good news.
We got another letter from the Citizen.

126
00:12:07,362 --> 00:12:09,592
Arson, explosives, poison...

127
00:12:09,631 --> 00:12:11,785
this guy never works
the same way twice.

128
00:12:13,836 --> 00:12:15,617
The only thing we 
know for sure...

129
00:12:16,606 --> 00:12:19,253
is we get these letters full 
of incomprehensible riddles

130
00:12:19,253 --> 00:12:22,169
and then he strikes and
suddenly the clues make sense.

131
00:12:23,247 --> 00:12:24,885
This one is down in Intelligence.

132
00:12:25,283 --> 00:12:28,064
Hopefully, we'll get a lead
before somebody gets killed.

133
00:12:28,421 --> 00:12:29,482
In the meantime,

134
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:32,526
Matthews, get a team together.

135
00:12:33,191 --> 00:12:35,846
Sir. You want me to take point?

136
00:12:35,846 --> 00:12:38,076
For five years you've been talkin'
about runnin' an op.

137
00:12:38,497 --> 00:12:40,814
Last night, you earned it.

138
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:44,351
Pick your team. I want 
preliminaries by 3. That's it.

139
00:12:45,839 --> 00:12:46,771
Sir...?

140
00:12:48,008 --> 00:12:48,940
Sir?

141
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,068
Sir?

142
00:12:50,578 --> 00:12:51,943
All right, so,
who's buyin' me lunch?

143
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,641
Sir. I-I would really like to talk to you
about what happened last night.

144
00:12:55,683 --> 00:12:57,480
I-I realize I didn't 
exactly follow orders...

145
00:12:57,519 --> 00:12:59,700
"Exactly" follow orders?
There's no such thing.

146
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:02,017
You follow orders
or you don't follow orders.

147
00:13:02,017 --> 00:13:04,553
No arguments, sir.
None... none whatsoever.

148
00:13:04,594 --> 00:13:06,391
There'll be a hearing in two weeks.
Until then, you're out of the field.

149
00:13:06,391 --> 00:13:08,751
Sir, yes, sir. I expect that
the hearing is totally warranted,

150
00:13:08,751 --> 00:13:11,529
but wouldn't my time be better
served working on the Citizen case?

151
00:13:11,568 --> 00:13:14,236
I've a very strong background
in profiling and decoding.

152
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:15,673
- Forget it.
- I really think I could contribute.

153
00:13:15,973 --> 00:13:17,304
Like you contributed last night?

154
00:13:17,775 --> 00:13:19,809
By putting yourself and five 
other agents in jeopardy?

155
00:13:19,877 --> 00:13:22,437
I'm gonna save the rest
for the review board.

156
00:13:22,481 --> 00:13:25,507
And you are gonna bury yourself
under a mountain of paperwork.

157
00:13:25,550 --> 00:13:28,021
- Sir...
- Discussion is over.

158
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,643
Hey, Mike! Gimme a pint.

159
00:13:48,409 --> 00:13:50,960
- Rough day, huh?
- The worst.

160
00:13:51,579 --> 00:13:55,926
- Sure you want a whole one?
- Oh, yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.

161
00:13:56,519 --> 00:13:57,342
Hey, Einstein.

162
00:13:57,342 --> 00:14:01,162
Listen. If you figure out that 
Citizen letter, let me know, mm?

163
00:14:01,845 --> 00:14:05,749
Hey... Congratulations on 
the op. It's a... big shot.

164
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:07,325
Yeah. Thanks.

165
00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:09,918
So, how you doin', huh?
You okay?

166
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:11,570
Yeah. I'm good.

167
00:14:12,156 --> 00:14:13,136
Thank you.

168
00:14:13,871 --> 00:14:17,193
- Hm, you're startin' early today, no?
- Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.

169
00:14:17,709 --> 00:14:18,381
Wanna join me?

170
00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:21,941
Love to, but I got a 
pressing social engagement.

171
00:14:22,782 --> 00:14:25,299
- Hey, Beth!
- Mm, brownie meeting.

172
00:14:25,618 --> 00:14:27,916
- Hey, Mike, gimme a beer and, uh...
- Oh, uh...

173
00:14:28,380 --> 00:14:29,707
Milk. Give her milk.

174
00:14:30,324 --> 00:14:31,836
White wine spritzer.

175
00:14:32,486 --> 00:14:35,030
So... Are most of the 
people in here agents?

176
00:14:35,030 --> 00:14:37,786
Yeah. As a matter of fact, here's 
an agent right here. Gracie Hart.

177
00:14:37,786 --> 00:14:39,179
Beth Carter.

178
00:14:39,639 --> 00:14:40,275
Wow!

179
00:14:41,670 --> 00:14:44,501
- Right back to you.
- Beth is an undergrad at Vassar.

180
00:14:44,501 --> 00:14:47,043
She's doing a paper
on law enforcement...

181
00:14:47,043 --> 00:14:48,750
I'm gonna help her
get an inside look.

182
00:14:49,078 --> 00:14:51,569
And I bet she'll do 
the same for you.

183
00:14:51,614 --> 00:14:54,515
You know, Gracie, I would love
to get a woman's point of view.

184
00:14:54,551 --> 00:14:56,694
Oh, no, no, no, Beth.
You're barking up the wrong tree.

185
00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:57,838
Right, Hart?

186
00:14:59,656 --> 00:15:00,572
Do all the women in the Bureau

187
00:15:00,572 --> 00:15:03,249
have to wear those really 
masculine shoes?

188
00:15:05,645 --> 00:15:07,601
Oh... No.
I get these made special

189
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:09,839
by the same guy that 
put the tattoo on my ass.

190
00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:12,840
Listen, we're gonna leave you alone
with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later, Hart.

191
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,565
- Yeah, it was nice meeting you.
- You too.

192
00:15:14,608 --> 00:15:14,981
You too.

193
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:19,920
Hope you have a good 
time at the mall.

194
00:15:20,448 --> 00:15:22,315
I'm tellin' you guys,
Wohop is the place.

195
00:15:22,315 --> 00:15:23,179
Yeah, Wohop is good,

196
00:15:23,216 --> 00:15:25,494
but if you like a little variety,
you go to La Chinita Linda, amica.

197
00:15:25,494 --> 00:15:28,221
- Exactly. Their rice and beans are slammin'.
- I don't want variety.

198
00:15:28,221 --> 00:15:30,164
I get pork fried rice every...

199
00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:31,656
I got it!
I figured it out!

200
00:15:31,994 --> 00:15:34,626
I tried to create a content-based pattern
that was similar to his previous letters,

201
00:15:34,626 --> 00:15:37,427
but this time,
he was using a signifier.

202
00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:39,503
In this case, the-the south 
fifth of the word "miss"

203
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,029
in the... in the 
subsequent letters...

204
00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,218
Look, will you let me finish?

205
00:15:43,907 --> 00:15:48,250
- It's the Miss United States Pageant.
- Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.

206
00:15:48,646 --> 00:15:48,745
What?

207
00:15:48,745 --> 00:15:50,296
All right. So, what do we got?

208
00:15:50,949 --> 00:15:53,485
Miss United States Pageant
from San Antonio, Texas,

209
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:53,959
home of the Alamo.

210
00:15:53,959 --> 00:15:55,586
I forgot the Alamo.

211
00:15:55,954 --> 00:15:56,793
Yeah, the pageant 
lasts three days.

212
00:15:56,793 --> 00:15:59,650
You got preliminaries,
press conferences, the telecast...

213
00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:02,022
With those out live,
it's a logistical nightmare.

214
00:16:02,022 --> 00:16:03,200
Not just a babe fest.

215
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,584
- Oh, yeah.
- Jesus, we only got 48 hours.

216
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:08,942
Okay, okay, gentlemen.

217
00:16:10,029 --> 00:16:11,397
Where do we start?

218
00:16:15,195 --> 00:16:16,669
I got a cousin in Texas.

219
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,834
Well, you might wanna... call the, uh, network
and the pageant people. Set up a meeting.

220
00:16:23,785 --> 00:16:26,645
Cause you'll probably need
their cooperation at some point.

221
00:16:27,556 --> 00:16:30,781
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
Let's do that.

222
00:16:31,328 --> 00:16:32,507
What about jurisdiction?

223
00:16:32,996 --> 00:16:34,274
The Citizen has been our 
territory from the start.

224
00:16:34,274 --> 00:16:35,798
That's should be no problem.

225
00:16:35,865 --> 00:16:38,014
But, what you might wannna do
is call up the San Antonio office,

226
00:16:38,014 --> 00:16:40,437
grease some wheels so they don't feel
we're takin' over their turf, you know,

227
00:16:40,437 --> 00:16:42,562
when we need manpower 
and tech support.

228
00:16:42,606 --> 00:16:43,715
Yeah, while I'm at it,
let's do that.

229
00:16:43,715 --> 00:16:44,482
Good idea.

230
00:16:44,482 --> 00:16:46,639
And the Citizen nut 
loves to make a splash.

231
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:48,147
So, his target will
probably be public,

232
00:16:48,147 --> 00:16:50,870
like one of these outdoor prelims,
maybe even a TV broadcast.

233
00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:53,444
Telecasters at the 
convention center.

234
00:16:53,485 --> 00:16:56,980
That means we're gonna need all kinds
of surveillance on the interior perimeter.

235
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:58,194
No, we're gonna need
a lot more than that,

236
00:16:58,194 --> 00:17:01,526
because it's about a million places
only these bikini-stuffers can go,

237
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,874
like... backstage areas,
hotel rooms, things like that.

238
00:17:03,874 --> 00:17:05,525
I think we need to get 
somebody in there.

239
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,073
Yeah, yeah, yeah! 
Now I'm thinkin'...

240
00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:11,386
- undercover.
- Good idea, boss.

241
00:17:12,374 --> 00:17:13,702
And I got just the girl.

242
00:17:15,961 --> 00:17:18,123
- Huh? Huh?
- All right.

243
00:17:18,647 --> 00:17:20,410
That's nothing.
Check this out.

244
00:17:20,783 --> 00:17:23,881
Compliments of my daughter.
The "Dress Up Sally" web site.

245
00:17:33,727 --> 00:17:35,899
Yeah! See, what did 
I tell you? Hot, right?

246
00:17:35,933 --> 00:17:37,182
- Yeah, baby.
- Very nice.

247
00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:40,406
- Uh... You got a little problem.
- What? She's perfect!

248
00:17:41,172 --> 00:17:42,564
Look to the left.

249
00:17:43,575 --> 00:17:45,955
Down... down... down...

250
00:17:46,678 --> 00:17:48,587
- There you go.
- "On maternity leave"?

251
00:17:49,182 --> 00:17:52,520
- That's not gonna work.
- Not unless it's "The Miss Lamaze Pageant".

252
00:17:58,893 --> 00:18:00,387
Let me ask you something.
Can you do a search?

253
00:18:00,801 --> 00:18:03,473
Female field agents under 35...

254
00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:17,358
Oh, Jensen, Jensen!

255
00:18:28,726 --> 00:18:31,619
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got it, I got it! I got it!

256
00:18:43,379 --> 00:18:45,857
- Oh, no!
- That's right, that's right.

257
00:18:49,683 --> 00:18:50,899
Uh, you think that's good?
Check this out.

258
00:18:50,899 --> 00:18:51,994
There's a new broad here.

259
00:18:52,353 --> 00:18:53,894
I got the winner right here.

260
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:55,122
Scorekeepers ready?

261
00:19:00,696 --> 00:19:02,543
This is the best 
part, right here.

262
00:19:05,024 --> 00:19:06,069
Here we go.

263
00:19:15,579 --> 00:19:18,799
- He's right behind me, isn't 'e?
- Not really my color, is it?

264
00:19:20,384 --> 00:19:21,557
Sir, we were just, uh...

265
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,184
we were just lookin' for someone
to go undercover at the pageant.

266
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:29,923
And I'm the best we have.
It doesn't inspire much confidence.

267
00:19:30,695 --> 00:19:34,679
Get back to work. And, Hart, 
shouldn't you be at a desk?

268
00:19:34,679 --> 00:19:35,932
Yes, sir.

269
00:19:37,737 --> 00:19:38,391
What's the matter 
with you, people?

270
00:19:38,391 --> 00:19:39,904
He's standin' right behind me,
you don't say anything?

271
00:19:39,904 --> 00:19:41,069
Made me look like an idiot.

272
00:19:41,069 --> 00:19:43,060
Do I have eyes in the back of my 
head where I can see this thing?

273
00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:44,241
He was standing right behind me.

274
00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:46,080
- What about this one?
- What were we gonna say?

275
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,190
- What?
- This one.

276
00:19:48,215 --> 00:19:49,355
What, are you kiddin'?
It's Hart.

277
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,145
Oh, come on, cut it off.
Let's go back to work.

278
00:19:51,822 --> 00:19:53,428
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

279
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:57,146
- Hey...
- Okay, very funny.

280
00:19:57,146 --> 00:19:58,966
No. Hold on a second.
Hart, that's not bad.

281
00:19:58,966 --> 00:19:59,550
Hold on, nothing.

282
00:19:59,550 --> 00:20:02,595
You know, you might wanna hit the save button,
cause you're never gonna see that again. All right?

283
00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:04,164
- Oh, come on.
- Take it off.

284
00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:11,574
- What do you say, Hart?
- No freaking way.

285
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:12,805
Come on, Harty. Why not?

286
00:20:13,544 --> 00:20:15,171
Cause I'm not gonna
parade around in a swimsuit

287
00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:16,161
like some air-head 
bimbo that...

288
00:20:16,161 --> 00:20:18,324
goes by the name of, what,
Gracie Lou Freebush

289
00:20:18,324 --> 00:20:20,390
and all she wants is... world peace?

290
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:22,628
It wouldn't be like that.

291
00:20:23,353 --> 00:20:25,340
Come on, you'd be an important 
member on the undercover team.

292
00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:28,791
- Yeah, right. In a thong.
- Hey!

293
00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:30,782
In a tasteful one-piece!

294
00:20:30,782 --> 00:20:33,404
Come on, look, you do
a few butt-shaping exercises,

295
00:20:33,404 --> 00:20:35,598
you tighten this stuff...
you could pull this off.

296
00:20:35,598 --> 00:20:37,200
You know what? Pull this off.

297
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,616
What is it?
Because McDonald hates me?

298
00:20:38,616 --> 00:20:40,842
- He doesn't hate you.
- Or is it, like, a woman thing?

299
00:20:44,413 --> 00:20:47,020
Don't kid yourself. Nobody 
thinks o' you that way.

300
00:20:52,288 --> 00:20:53,642
He's punishin' me, ain't he?

301
00:20:54,012 --> 00:20:55,861
Listen, I had to beg him
to let you do this.

302
00:20:55,861 --> 00:20:57,261
- What?!
- Yeah, that's right.

303
00:20:57,694 --> 00:20:58,886
Like it or not,
you screwed up, pal.

304
00:20:58,886 --> 00:21:00,311
Sit down, sit down, sit down.

305
00:21:08,039 --> 00:21:11,076
This may come as a shock to you, but 
I've never been in a beauty pageant before.

306
00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:13,293
I don't even own a dress.
I don't even own a brush.

307
00:21:13,810 --> 00:21:15,352
Ow, Jesus. Oh.

308
00:21:17,417 --> 00:21:19,673
Which part of that
is supposed to shock me?

309
00:21:29,230 --> 00:21:32,217
Let's suspend reality for, like, a 
second and pretend, like, I said yes.

310
00:21:32,403 --> 00:21:33,506
I gotta do, like, everything?

311
00:21:33,506 --> 00:21:37,512
Like the whole... the whole big 
hair and the... makeup and, uh...

312
00:21:37,512 --> 00:21:38,762
Damn right.

313
00:21:39,108 --> 00:21:41,421
The spinning, the twirling,
the smiling...

314
00:21:41,911 --> 00:21:43,433
the cute little tap number...

315
00:21:44,783 --> 00:21:46,099
All right. A hundred bucks
on Matthews.

316
00:21:46,784 --> 00:21:48,566
I don't know, man.
She's got a lot o' rage.

317
00:21:51,289 --> 00:21:52,607
I'll take that bet.

318
00:22:00,918 --> 00:22:02,784
That's right, baby.
That's right.

319
00:22:03,526 --> 00:22:05,093
Yeah, baby.

320
00:22:07,641 --> 00:22:11,336
So you're sayin'...
I have to wear the bathing suit.

321
00:22:11,336 --> 00:22:14,768
Yeah, you have to wear
the bathing suit.

322
00:22:15,596 --> 00:22:16,715
Okay.

323
00:22:19,587 --> 00:22:20,804
You go, girl.

324
00:22:23,692 --> 00:22:27,821
- Where am I gonna put my gun?
- No place I wanna know about.

325
00:22:29,686 --> 00:22:33,606
Ugh... What could possibly motivate anybody
to enter a beauty pageant is beyond me.

326
00:22:33,965 --> 00:22:36,249
Scholarship money,
a chance to see the world,

327
00:22:36,612 --> 00:22:38,448
broaden your horizons,
meet new people....

328
00:22:38,448 --> 00:22:40,077
So join the Marines.

329
00:22:40,077 --> 00:22:42,033
It's like feminism never even 
happened, you know?

330
00:22:42,296 --> 00:22:43,177
I think any woman to do this

331
00:22:43,177 --> 00:22:46,114
is catering to some misogynistic
Neanderthal mentality.

332
00:22:46,114 --> 00:22:48,511
I dated the Young Miss 
Scarsdale last month.

333
00:22:48,511 --> 00:22:50,652
Oh, God. Can you really 
be this superficial?

334
00:22:50,652 --> 00:22:52,282
Hard to believe, right?

335
00:22:53,091 --> 00:22:54,233
All right, here we are.

336
00:22:54,608 --> 00:22:57,187
Therefore, we'd like to use
one of our team undercover.

337
00:22:57,187 --> 00:22:59,012
I'm not sure I'm hearing 
this correctly.

338
00:22:59,012 --> 00:23:03,853
Kathy, th-th-these people 
wanna put one of their agents...

339
00:23:04,271 --> 00:23:05,512
in the pageant.

340
00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:08,513
- They want her to win?
- Oh, no, ma'am. Uh...

341
00:23:09,577 --> 00:23:11,615
But we will need your help
with the judging,

342
00:23:11,615 --> 00:23:14,188
to make sure that one of our 
agents gets in the top five...

343
00:23:14,188 --> 00:23:17,153
That way, they have access to
all the areas on the stage at all times...

344
00:23:17,153 --> 00:23:18,326
Absolutely not.

345
00:23:18,326 --> 00:23:22,203
Miss Morningside, we understand how 
important this, uh, beauty pageant is to you and...

346
00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:23,343
Excuse me.

347
00:23:24,426 --> 00:23:28,410
This is not a beauty pageant.
This is a scholarship program.

348
00:23:29,032 --> 00:23:31,247
And it has been ever 
since my reign.

349
00:23:31,627 --> 00:23:34,626
And I fully intend on 
maintaining that credo.

350
00:23:35,139 --> 00:23:40,927
Absolutely, Miss Morningside. We're here to protect
the girls or... women... the... scholarship ladies.

351
00:23:42,381 --> 00:23:45,752
There's nothing more important
to me than the safety of my girls.

352
00:23:46,486 --> 00:23:49,355
I'd rather cancel the pageant
than have one of them blown up.

353
00:23:49,823 --> 00:23:51,661
Especially without 
their knowledge.

354
00:23:52,034 --> 00:23:54,024
But we went to the network
to have them cancel the pageant,

355
00:23:54,024 --> 00:23:56,610
but they refused.
We can't force 'em.

356
00:23:58,365 --> 00:24:01,371
I'm confused. What state 
is she going to be from?

357
00:24:01,802 --> 00:24:03,409
All the winners have 
already been chosen.

358
00:24:04,238 --> 00:24:05,309
Don't worry about 
that, Mr. Fields.

359
00:24:05,309 --> 00:24:08,799
We recently discovered some information
about the winner from New Jersey.

360
00:24:08,844 --> 00:24:11,917
And her performance in a 
little film called "Arma-Get-It-On".

361
00:24:13,115 --> 00:24:15,521
- Was that her?
- Oh, yeah.

362
00:24:16,919 --> 00:24:20,006
So she was probably gonna drop out 
pretty soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.

363
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,720
Well... Do you...
have an agent in mind?

364
00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:32,907
Sorry.

365
00:24:34,472 --> 00:24:37,203
Let me get you...
Victor Melling's number.

366
00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:40,079
Frank. He's our 
pageant consultant.

367
00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:41,533
Frank.

368
00:24:42,414 --> 00:24:44,306
Maybe... he can do
something to help.

369
00:24:44,306 --> 00:24:47,219
- Frank!
- Oh! Uh, just one minute.

370
00:24:49,957 --> 00:24:51,659
This is my assistant, 
Frank Tobin.

371
00:24:52,092 --> 00:24:53,376
Hi, everyone.

372
00:24:54,096 --> 00:24:56,626
Would you... would you get these people
Victor Melling's number, please?

373
00:24:56,626 --> 00:25:00,018
And get me a spring water.
And, for God's sake, tuck in your shirt.

374
00:25:02,138 --> 00:25:04,278
That wa... that was, uh... 
a water for you...

375
00:25:04,874 --> 00:25:05,536
and, uh...

376
00:25:06,376 --> 00:25:08,530
Victor Melling's number.

377
00:25:18,901 --> 00:25:19,776
Thank you.

378
00:25:24,029 --> 00:25:24,743
Mr. Melling...

379
00:25:25,931 --> 00:25:26,748
How are you?

380
00:25:31,237 --> 00:25:34,638
If you are Grace Hart,
I quit here and now.

381
00:25:36,503 --> 00:25:39,277
Yeah, it's, uh...
I'm having a bad hair day.

382
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:40,823
Bad hair decade, really.

383
00:25:40,823 --> 00:25:43,313
Mr. Melling, I'm Eric Matthews.
We spoke on the phone.

384
00:25:43,885 --> 00:25:46,673
Your hair is... perfect.
However, I can't accept this job.

385
00:25:47,011 --> 00:25:50,493
There's no way on earth that I can
make this woman ready in two days.

386
00:25:50,493 --> 00:25:53,847
Please, Mr. Melling, give 
it a chance, uh? Sit down.

387
00:25:54,630 --> 00:25:56,727
Have lunch.
Totally on the Bureau.

388
00:25:57,533 --> 00:26:00,463
Yes, I... I suppose that would 
be the civilized thing to do.

389
00:26:02,105 --> 00:26:03,693
Actually, I'm gonna 
take a rain check.

390
00:26:03,693 --> 00:26:04,939
I got a lot o'... FBI stuff

391
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:05,802
- ... I gotta take care of.
- What're you gotta do?

392
00:26:05,802 --> 00:26:07,079
- That thing that I told you...
- What thing?

393
00:26:07,079 --> 00:26:08,808
- That thing I told you about that I gotta do.
- You didn't say anything.

394
00:26:08,808 --> 00:26:10,667
But, listen, I'll see you later.
We'll hang out.

395
00:26:10,667 --> 00:26:11,418
You like caps?

396
00:26:11,418 --> 00:26:12,494
- What's the matter?
- Excuse me.

397
00:26:12,494 --> 00:26:14,334
I'll get you an official 
FBI cap, all right?

398
00:26:15,686 --> 00:26:16,754
See you later. Be good.

399
00:26:17,856 --> 00:26:19,834
- Well, what a pity.
- Oh, yeah.

400
00:26:20,192 --> 00:26:21,670
- Are you hungry?
- Yeah.

401
00:26:21,927 --> 00:26:23,016
- "Yes".
- Yeah.

402
00:26:23,396 --> 00:26:24,094
- "Yes".
- Yeah.

403
00:26:24,597 --> 00:26:28,327
It is always "yes",
never "yeah". Sit down.

404
00:26:29,302 --> 00:26:32,892
Miss United States is always
well-spoken and polite.

405
00:26:32,892 --> 00:26:35,990
- Do you understand?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Watch the hands, garcon.

406
00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:38,049
- Excuse me, madam.
- It's all right, Philip.

407
00:26:38,518 --> 00:26:41,479
I have a feeling that we're going
to need a drop cloth later.

408
00:26:54,631 --> 00:26:56,805
Philip, could I have another 
cabernet sauvignon, please?

409
00:26:57,300 --> 00:26:59,745
- Another keg for you?
- I'm good, thanks.

410
00:26:59,745 --> 00:27:01,228
That's okay, Philip.

411
00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:05,004
So, how long have you been doing
this pageant-training thing?

412
00:27:06,144 --> 00:27:08,217
I'm sorry? What-what
was the question?

413
00:27:08,217 --> 00:27:11,344
I was distracted by the 
half-masticated cow

414
00:27:11,801 --> 00:27:14,946
rolling around in 
your wide-open trap.

415
00:27:14,946 --> 00:27:17,100
Excuse me?
What is your problem?

416
00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:19,526
- Problem?
- Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean...

417
00:27:20,026 --> 00:27:22,146
Have I offended you in some 
way? Because, quite frankly,

418
00:27:22,146 --> 00:27:25,215
you've been completely antagonistic to me
since the second I walked in that door.

419
00:27:25,665 --> 00:27:30,499
Did you know that I was once the most sought-after,
highly paid consultant in pageant history?

420
00:27:30,499 --> 00:27:32,487
I had no idea.

421
00:27:34,109 --> 00:27:37,537
Every season, girls would 
plead with me to train them.

422
00:27:38,164 --> 00:27:39,847
Ten out of eleven years...

423
00:27:40,413 --> 00:27:42,041
my girls were crowned.

424
00:27:42,819 --> 00:27:43,669
The year we lost...

425
00:27:44,171 --> 00:27:45,836
the winner was a deaf-mute.

426
00:27:46,723 --> 00:27:48,380
You can't beat that.

427
00:27:50,861 --> 00:27:51,924
Then...

428
00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:53,890
in '96...

429
00:27:54,799 --> 00:27:58,703
my girl froze like a puddle halfway 
through her aria from "La Boheme".

430
00:27:58,703 --> 00:28:02,169
Afterwards, she told a reporter
from "Pageant Magazine"

431
00:28:02,169 --> 00:28:04,088
that I was a crazed perfectionist

432
00:28:04,088 --> 00:28:07,958
who had harangued her
to within an inch of her sanity.

433
00:28:08,417 --> 00:28:12,264
Of course,
after that article, uh, came out...

434
00:28:13,661 --> 00:28:15,140
nobody wanted me.

435
00:28:19,460 --> 00:28:24,566
Okay. With all... due respect here, why 
did Miss Morningside suggest you then?

436
00:28:24,566 --> 00:28:27,756
Because I am the best.

437
00:28:31,573 --> 00:28:35,719
Or perhaps it's because everyone 
else worth having had a contestant.

438
00:28:36,446 --> 00:28:39,828
They had their Southern belles,
their Midwestern farmers' daughters.

439
00:28:40,583 --> 00:28:42,768
Spunky Western cowgirls...

440
00:28:43,821 --> 00:28:44,997
And I have...

441
00:28:46,778 --> 00:28:48,121
Dirty Harriet.

442
00:28:52,430 --> 00:28:55,408
- Will you desist?
- Yeah.

443
00:28:55,624 --> 00:28:57,109
- "Yes".
- Yes.

444
00:29:02,676 --> 00:29:03,640
Oh, my God.

445
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,291
I haven't seen a walk like 
that since "Jurassic Park".

446
00:29:06,291 --> 00:29:10,564
Yeah? Well, you know what? It's been working
really well for me for the past 30 years, all right?

447
00:29:11,052 --> 00:29:12,888
- Well, glide. Now, glide.
- What?

448
00:29:13,788 --> 00:29:15,718
Gl... Don't-don't look down,
don't look down.

449
00:29:16,010 --> 00:29:17,070
Look, don't look 
down, look up.

450
00:29:17,070 --> 00:29:20,445
Your-your chin should always
be parallel to the floor.

451
00:29:20,769 --> 00:29:22,561
Now, glide. Glide.

452
00:29:23,465 --> 00:29:27,078
- It's not the bloody Ice Capades. Glide.
- Gliding.

453
00:29:28,270 --> 00:29:31,336
No, no. D-don't pick your feet 
up. Don't pick your feet up.

454
00:29:32,276 --> 00:29:35,240
- Why are you picking your feet up?
- Because I'm preparing to run away.

455
00:29:35,501 --> 00:29:37,297
- No. Wait, wait. Wait. Wait.
- What?

456
00:29:37,297 --> 00:29:39,979
Watch me. Watch me.
Glide. Glide.

457
00:29:44,122 --> 00:29:45,388
See? Glide.

458
00:29:46,082 --> 00:29:48,647
It's all in the buttocks.
Don't I look pretty?

459
00:29:48,647 --> 00:29:51,421
It takes a very secure 
man to walk like that.

460
00:29:55,650 --> 00:29:58,325
Roll your hips, roll your hips.
Head up, head up!

461
00:29:58,325 --> 00:29:59,721
Keep gliding...

462
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:03,612
- I'm gliding here!
- Hey, what are you, blind?

463
00:30:03,612 --> 00:30:05,307
Asshole.

464
00:30:40,274 --> 00:30:42,938
Look how she walks.
She's floating.

465
00:30:43,523 --> 00:30:47,152
Lightly ascending from 
cloud to cloud...

466
00:30:47,260 --> 00:30:48,269
towards heaven.

467
00:30:50,398 --> 00:30:52,536
And once she gets there and
he takes one look at that fake rack,

468
00:30:52,536 --> 00:30:54,230
he's gonna send her right back.

469
00:30:57,673 --> 00:31:01,008
Look, she's gonna cry again.
"If I only had a brain!"

470
00:31:02,311 --> 00:31:05,064
I am somewhat 
less than amused.

471
00:31:13,056 --> 00:31:14,428
So, how is she doin'?

472
00:31:15,959 --> 00:31:17,635
With some intensive work...

473
00:31:18,562 --> 00:31:22,186
she'll be ready for
the world's finest trailer park.

474
00:31:23,964 --> 00:31:25,031
Thank you!

475
00:31:28,013 --> 00:31:29,118
Both painful...

476
00:31:30,075 --> 00:31:32,991
and grotesque. Isn't it?

477
00:31:37,614 --> 00:31:39,004
Oh, my God!

478
00:31:49,598 --> 00:31:51,637
Okay, Mr. Vic, we got 
everything you asked for.

479
00:31:51,637 --> 00:31:55,007
- Where do we start?
- Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.

480
00:31:55,007 --> 00:31:56,624
Which one first?

481
00:31:56,624 --> 00:31:59,131
Hey, guys, what teeth are 
you gonna do to my teeth?

482
00:31:59,131 --> 00:32:02,802
Hopefully, remove the beer 
stains and steak residue.

483
00:32:05,248 --> 00:32:07,851
- Can't I get some Novocain?
-It's only a cleaning.

484
00:32:07,851 --> 00:32:10,690
I'm talkin' about Sweeney Todd 
back here. What are you doing?

485
00:32:11,322 --> 00:32:12,907
Your hair should 
make a statement.

486
00:32:12,907 --> 00:32:16,068
As long as it doesn't say "Thank you very 
much for the Country Music Award". Ow!

487
00:32:16,068 --> 00:32:18,292
Here, you'll be lucky
if I can get it untangled.

488
00:32:18,866 --> 00:32:21,011
- No mercy.
- Can I borrow that drill?

489
00:32:23,784 --> 00:32:25,577
<i>Attention. Attention.</i>

490
00:32:25,948 --> 00:32:28,515
<i>All hair removal units, wax,</i>

491
00:32:28,515 --> 00:32:32,673
<i>electrolysis, laser,
to commence at 23:00 hours.</i>

492
00:32:55,571 --> 00:32:57,532
- Bikini wax.
- Ohh...

493
00:33:08,117 --> 00:33:09,394
Hey, how you doin'?

494
00:33:09,763 --> 00:33:12,470
Did you ever seen one this big?
Sandwich, I mean.

495
00:33:13,505 --> 00:33:15,169
Yeah, that's a lot o'f meat.

496
00:33:16,069 --> 00:33:18,352
- Yessss....
- Hey! Hey!

497
00:33:20,066 --> 00:33:21,133
Thank you!

498
00:33:21,801 --> 00:33:23,826
Nobody said this job was easy.

499
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,917
This earpiece lets you hear anybody
on our frequencies. They can hear you.

500
00:33:41,917 --> 00:33:43,623
Don't need that.
With all this foil in my head,

501
00:33:43,623 --> 00:33:45,218
I'm gettin' HBO.

502
00:33:46,597 --> 00:33:49,907
This is a pin camera. There's 
an actual little lens in there.

503
00:33:49,907 --> 00:33:52,746
It provides a digital video 
feed to our hookups.

504
00:33:53,884 --> 00:33:57,665
All right. Here's your new IDs.
Your pageant identity.

505
00:33:59,077 --> 00:34:02,147
- Gracie Lou Freebush?
- Yeah, I remembered you liked that name.

506
00:34:02,147 --> 00:34:05,005
Yeah, well, my IQ just 
dropped 10 points.

507
00:34:09,147 --> 00:34:11,910
More... fluffy.

508
00:34:12,394 --> 00:34:15,253
Eyebrows.
There should be two.

509
00:34:20,368 --> 00:34:22,401
Another two coats
and a sealant.

510
00:34:22,412 --> 00:34:23,785
Unbelievable.

511
00:34:26,341 --> 00:34:29,181
Where the hell is she? What 
could possibly be taking this long?

512
00:35:03,917 --> 00:35:04,995
Hart, is that you?

513
00:35:05,444 --> 00:35:07,212
I'm in a dress,
I have gel in my hair,

514
00:35:07,212 --> 00:35:09,070
I haven't slept all night,
I'm starved,

515
00:35:09,070 --> 00:35:12,021
and I'm armed.
Don't... mess with me. Ooh!

516
00:35:12,022 --> 00:35:13,327
Ooh!

517
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,298
Whoa! I'm fine.
I'm cool. I'm good.

518
00:35:18,649 --> 00:35:19,640
Oh, yeah, that's her.

519
00:35:20,064 --> 00:35:23,640
- Mr. Vic, nice work!
- Thank you.

520
00:35:25,307 --> 00:35:27,131
My God, I'm good.

521
00:36:05,487 --> 00:36:07,085
<i>Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.</i>

522
00:36:07,673 --> 00:36:10,592
"Operation Thong" 
has commenced.

523
00:36:11,794 --> 00:36:13,510
Why don't you 
stun-gun yourself?

524
00:36:14,230 --> 00:36:15,720
I knew she'd like that one.

525
00:36:17,333 --> 00:36:17,896
Victor?

526
00:36:19,102 --> 00:36:20,349
Try not to speak.

527
00:36:21,504 --> 00:36:22,603
Victor!

528
00:36:23,566 --> 00:36:27,786
Why, Miss Morningside, if it's possible,
you look more radiant than ever.

529
00:36:28,157 --> 00:36:30,652
Well, then I guess it's possible.

530
00:36:30,653 --> 00:36:32,386
- Hello.
- Hi.

531
00:36:35,421 --> 00:36:38,827
Miss Hart?!
I mean... Miss Freebush.

532
00:36:39,766 --> 00:36:43,548
Well, Victor, I see you haven't
completely lost your touch.

533
00:36:43,919 --> 00:36:45,654
You look absolutely perfect.

534
00:36:46,086 --> 00:36:48,927
And you're just in time
for the orientation breakfast.

535
00:36:49,714 --> 00:36:51,718
Oh, oh, Victor. You'll take 
the bags to the room?

536
00:36:51,718 --> 00:36:53,804
I-I realize it's been a while
since you've been with us,

537
00:36:53,804 --> 00:36:56,533
but... you remember how 
everything goes, don't you?

538
00:36:57,813 --> 00:37:00,655
One little mistake and
I'm a bloody bellhop.

539
00:37:02,316 --> 00:37:04,353
Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!

540
00:37:04,857 --> 00:37:06,244
Washington? Nice apples.

541
00:37:06,652 --> 00:37:08,341
Original. You come up 
with that all by yourself?

542
00:37:08,341 --> 00:37:09,481
No.

543
00:37:11,674 --> 00:37:13,918
- Miss Freebush!
- I got it. I got it.

544
00:37:13,918 --> 00:37:16,540
New Jersey? Welcome.

545
00:37:28,127 --> 00:37:29,901
- Who's she?
- You seen her before?

546
00:37:34,466 --> 00:37:36,453
Oh, hey, New Jersey?
This one's empty.

547
00:37:36,453 --> 00:37:38,060
Oh, thank you.

548
00:37:39,271 --> 00:37:42,111
- Thanks.
- I'm Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.

549
00:37:42,111 --> 00:37:42,660
Hi, I'm...

550
00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:43,875
- Gracie Lou Freebush
- Gracie Lou Freebush.

551
00:37:43,875 --> 00:37:46,659
- Yeah.
- I memorized the orientation pamphlet.

552
00:37:47,043 --> 00:37:49,377
I know all 49 ladies
by name and picture.

553
00:37:49,377 --> 00:37:51,335
Well, fifty, including myself.

554
00:37:51,335 --> 00:37:52,815
But your picture wasn't there,

555
00:37:52,815 --> 00:37:55,509
so I knew it was you
from your lack of picture.

556
00:37:55,509 --> 00:37:56,590
Here we go.

557
00:37:57,412 --> 00:38:00,761
- How about a little song for the drive?
- All right.

558
00:38:01,409 --> 00:38:03,047
I think you know
the one I mean.

559
00:38:04,722 --> 00:38:08,209
From sea to shining sea

560
00:38:08,804 --> 00:38:11,425
Like Lady Liberty

561
00:38:11,818 --> 00:38:17,378
She reigns over all she sees

562
00:38:18,069 --> 00:38:21,223
She's beauty and she's grace

563
00:38:21,223 --> 00:38:24,229
She's Miss United States...

564
00:38:28,500 --> 00:38:31,445
- Entering Barbietown.
- All right, people, we're up and runnin'.

565
00:38:31,750 --> 00:38:34,485
- Ooh, I love my job!
- It's not a bad view, uh?

566
00:38:34,485 --> 00:38:35,444
Nah, not at all.

567
00:38:35,444 --> 00:38:37,625
Oh, look, there's our table!

568
00:38:38,739 --> 00:38:40,118
I got here three days
early so I could...

569
00:38:40,118 --> 00:38:44,540
- Look at all the hoochie mama!
- Hey, Hart! Hart, not the pastry.

570
00:38:46,669 --> 00:38:51,401
Ladies... Ladies, I would like you to meet
Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.

571
00:38:51,735 --> 00:38:55,229
- This is Karen Krantz, New York.
- What's up, Jersey?

572
00:38:55,682 --> 00:38:58,214
- Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- Hi there.

573
00:38:58,214 --> 00:39:00,701
<i>- Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
- Hi.</i>

574
00:39:00,939 --> 00:39:02,263
- I like that!
- Ooh, yeah!

575
00:39:02,614 --> 00:39:05,434
- Leslie Davis, California.
- Hey, girl.

576
00:39:05,725 --> 00:39:09,690
- And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.
- Aloha.

577
00:39:09,690 --> 00:39:11,435
Aloha to you too!

578
00:39:11,435 --> 00:39:12,938
I just want you all to know...

579
00:39:13,196 --> 00:39:15,993
I believe what it says on 
that sign at the Alamodome.

580
00:39:16,264 --> 00:39:17,958
We are all winners.

581
00:39:18,333 --> 00:39:19,614
Hey, Hart!

582
00:39:19,867 --> 00:39:20,592
You think she's hungry?

583
00:39:20,592 --> 00:39:24,183
The most important thing is that we're 
gettin' our issues out there for people to hear.

584
00:39:24,183 --> 00:39:27,173
Oh, I know. And it's an honor
to have made it this far.

585
00:39:27,173 --> 00:39:29,967
I mean, especially when you 
come from such a small state...

586
00:39:29,967 --> 00:39:33,143
Oh, that's so true!
Us Rhode Islanders...

587
00:39:33,143 --> 00:39:37,968
Um... I wasn't finished. I...
Did it sound like I was finished?

588
00:39:37,968 --> 00:39:39,082
I'm sorry. I...

589
00:39:39,082 --> 00:39:41,217
My dears, what are you 
apologizing to her for?

590
00:39:41,217 --> 00:39:43,535
She's obviously been drinkin'
too much Coppertone.

591
00:39:43,868 --> 00:39:44,645
Are you talking to me?

592
00:39:44,645 --> 00:39:46,637
Well, I'm talkin' to you,
I'm lookin' at you.

593
00:39:46,778 --> 00:39:48,400
Mm, mm! Question:

594
00:39:49,974 --> 00:39:53,372
In Hawaii, don't you use, um, "Aloha"
for, like, hello and goodbye?

595
00:39:54,524 --> 00:39:55,230
So?

596
00:39:55,995 --> 00:39:57,841
So, if you're on the phone with 
somebody they won't stop talking,

597
00:39:57,841 --> 00:40:00,404
how do you get them off because 
you say "Okay, take care, aloha",

598
00:40:00,404 --> 00:40:02,289
don't they, like, 
start all over again?

599
00:40:09,041 --> 00:40:10,373
At least she thinks I'm funny.

600
00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,335
Hart!
Hart, do you copy?

601
00:40:14,626 --> 00:40:16,486
- What's up?
- I don't know. It's not workin'.

602
00:40:16,486 --> 00:40:19,012
- What do you mean, it's not working?
- It worked five minutes ago.

603
00:40:19,063 --> 00:40:20,303
Yeah, it was working,
we put it together.

604
00:40:25,994 --> 00:40:27,603
Check one...
Check one...

605
00:40:30,598 --> 00:40:32,767
Thank you so much.
Thank you.

606
00:40:33,901 --> 00:40:34,629
For the past 21 years,

607
00:40:34,629 --> 00:40:38,560
it has been my honor to serve
as director of this pageant.

608
00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:43,022
And I know that this year will be
our most exciting event ever!

609
00:40:45,987 --> 00:40:48,035
Couple o' geniuses
I'm working with. Let's go.

610
00:40:48,035 --> 00:40:50,413
After the rehearsal
and a photo shoot,

611
00:40:50,413 --> 00:40:52,246
you'll be able to settle
into your rooms.

612
00:40:52,246 --> 00:40:55,691
And then tomorrow, we 
will begin the preliminaries,

613
00:40:56,089 --> 00:41:01,884
hosted by our master o' ceremonies,
an American institution... Stan Fields.

614
00:41:07,011 --> 00:41:10,209
Thank you! Oh, thank you, 
Kathy! Oh, thanks!

615
00:41:11,076 --> 00:41:12,712
Let's go!
Get it back online!

616
00:41:12,712 --> 00:41:14,435
- We're workin' on it.
- We're tryin', boss.

617
00:41:14,956 --> 00:41:18,755
Thank you. Thank you, Kathy.
Isn't she... ravishing?!

618
00:41:20,386 --> 00:41:21,835
How does she do it?

619
00:41:22,158 --> 00:41:24,529
All I know is  Iwake up every morning,
I look in the mirror and I say

620
00:41:24,529 --> 00:41:27,573
"Who is that old man
wearin' my pyjamas?"

621
00:41:30,533 --> 00:41:34,497
And... even though I'll be retiring...
this year...

622
00:41:36,345 --> 00:41:40,055
Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.

623
00:41:40,301 --> 00:41:44,688
- That's so sad. He's retiring.
- Oh, he's not retiring.

624
00:41:45,010 --> 00:41:47,865
I spoke to 'im this mornin', the 
poor man blurted out the whole thing.

625
00:41:48,228 --> 00:41:49,563
They're firin' him...

626
00:41:50,225 --> 00:41:52,972
goin' for someone
newer and younger.

627
00:41:54,226 --> 00:41:55,725
I hope it's Ricky Martin.

628
00:41:56,835 --> 00:41:58,151
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

629
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:02,869
Ow! Jesus Christ! Ah!

630
00:42:08,784 --> 00:42:11,787
I, uh... Sorry, I, uh...

631
00:42:11,787 --> 00:42:15,058
I-I had a bite of my bagel
and I forgot to pray.

632
00:42:19,211 --> 00:42:21,055
Dear Jesus,
please forgive me

633
00:42:21,055 --> 00:42:25,309
for... not praying before I had
a bite of my bagel and schmeer.

634
00:42:25,564 --> 00:42:26,709
<i>Thank you very much.</i>

635
00:42:27,099 --> 00:42:27,994
- Amen.
- Amen.

636
00:43:25,867 --> 00:43:26,987
- Hi!
- Hi.

637
00:43:26,987 --> 00:43:28,919
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

638
00:43:28,919 --> 00:43:30,658
Oh, no, I was just, you know...

639
00:43:32,168 --> 00:43:32,828
I was grooming.

640
00:43:33,226 --> 00:43:35,836
- I made some of my famous hot chocolate.
- Oh...

641
00:43:39,084 --> 00:43:43,024
Oh, um... Well, my, uh,
roommate's asleep...

642
00:43:43,456 --> 00:43:45,191
or she's... starting to mold.

643
00:43:45,776 --> 00:43:47,863
But, uh...
do you wanna come in?

644
00:43:57,143 --> 00:43:59,320
You know, I-I, uh, I asked 
some o' the other girls,

645
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,855
but as soon as they heard the word "chocolate",
they slammed their doors in my face.

646
00:44:02,855 --> 00:44:06,732
- They didn't even gimme a chance to say "non-fat".
- Oh, oh!

647
00:44:07,803 --> 00:44:10,198
Well... here's to...

648
00:44:10,946 --> 00:44:13,661
- ... world peace.
- World peace.

649
00:44:21,348 --> 00:44:23,211
- Hot.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

650
00:44:23,936 --> 00:44:25,186
You know, I-I have to tell you,

651
00:44:25,186 --> 00:44:29,969
I-I thought it was really great how you 
settled that argument today at orientation.

652
00:44:30,599 --> 00:44:32,323
"Aloha, aloha."

653
00:44:32,767 --> 00:44:34,595
- That's why you're gonna win.
- Mm?

654
00:44:34,595 --> 00:44:38,264
You're so clever. You-you 
should tell jokes for your talent.

655
00:44:38,264 --> 00:44:40,255
What is your talent?

656
00:44:41,192 --> 00:44:43,894
Um, it's, uh...
It's kind of, like, uh...

657
00:44:43,894 --> 00:44:46,753
It's, you know, like a...
like a surprise.

658
00:44:46,754 --> 00:44:48,948
- Ah...
- Yeah. Yeah.

659
00:44:48,948 --> 00:44:51,821
Ah, but don't worry, it's-it's 
nothing embarrassing, you know.

660
00:44:52,202 --> 00:44:54,962
Not anything like, you know,
baton twirling or anything.

661
00:44:57,425 --> 00:44:59,139
So, uh, wha-what's your talent?

662
00:45:02,038 --> 00:45:04,210
Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

663
00:45:05,557 --> 00:45:08,084
- Twirling... it can be a... a real art.
- Yeah.

664
00:45:08,084 --> 00:45:11,794
I-I saw this girl once, a cheerleader
doing it at a football game...

665
00:45:12,049 --> 00:45:15,823
And she lit her batons on fire
and did this sexy dance...

666
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:18,230
I wish I could do
something like that.

667
00:45:18,230 --> 00:45:19,477
But why can't you?

668
00:45:19,477 --> 00:45:22,687
Oh, my parents don't like
anything ostentatious.

669
00:45:22,687 --> 00:45:25,085
And they really don't like fire.

670
00:45:26,966 --> 00:45:31,015
Look, I mean, Cheryl, I... I think you have
as good a chance as anybody to win.

671
00:45:31,015 --> 00:45:35,030
I mean, you obviously believe enough
in yourself to have gotten this far, right?

672
00:45:35,618 --> 00:45:36,781
- Really?
- Yeah.

673
00:45:37,972 --> 00:45:43,665
Well... You're so nice and... 
so smart and so sensitive.

674
00:45:43,665 --> 00:45:46,027
You're definitely gonna win.

675
00:45:46,544 --> 00:45:48,457
That's it. Excuse me.

676
00:45:49,179 --> 00:45:51,220
I am in the middle of a 
REM cycle over here.

677
00:45:51,220 --> 00:45:52,742
Sorry, sorry.

678
00:46:10,969 --> 00:46:12,003
Yes.

679
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:27,421
Not... happening.

680
00:46:31,526 --> 00:46:31,919
What?

681
00:46:31,919 --> 00:46:33,761
You took your earpiece out.
Vic needs you.

682
00:46:33,761 --> 00:46:36,142
Now? Eric, I haven't 
slept in two days!

683
00:46:36,142 --> 00:46:38,203
I'll give you a cookie.

684
00:46:38,722 --> 00:46:40,138
It better be a big one.

685
00:46:42,470 --> 00:46:48,189
You don't walk, you... float. Gently 
descending, you don't look down...

686
00:46:48,189 --> 00:46:52,249
go back up and do it again.
Never, ever look down, okay?

687
00:46:52,608 --> 00:46:54,359
Thighs touching...

688
00:46:54,989 --> 00:46:57,329
- Touching, not clenching.
- I'm touching.

689
00:46:57,724 --> 00:47:00,121
There's a gap between
your knees and your calves,

690
00:47:00,121 --> 00:47:01,727
your calves and your ankles.

691
00:47:01,727 --> 00:47:05,366
You know, right now there's a huge gap
between my brain and my spinal cord, all right?

692
00:47:07,895 --> 00:47:09,431
Here. Take these.

693
00:47:27,613 --> 00:47:31,726
- What, no armored car?
- That would be in my other dress.

694
00:47:32,322 --> 00:47:36,401
By the way, what are you planning
to do for your talent? Sing? Dance?

695
00:47:36,782 --> 00:47:40,866
- Chew with your mouth closed?
- I'll do whatever you want me to, Yoda.

696
00:47:41,387 --> 00:47:42,498
Oh, Lord.

697
00:47:44,470 --> 00:47:47,829
Agent Matthews!
This woman has no talent!

698
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:49,963
Vic, you don't gotta shout
it out right in front of 'er.

699
00:47:49,963 --> 00:47:53,090
I was not told to provide a talent and 
I'm certainly not equipped to do so

700
00:47:53,090 --> 00:47:55,000
- ...in the next five hours!
- Wait a minute.

701
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:56,721
What the... what the hell
are you talking about?

702
00:47:56,721 --> 00:47:59,199
I am saying that tomorrow she'll 
be on stage with nothing to do

703
00:47:59,199 --> 00:48:01,930
but convert oxygen 
into carbon dioxide!

704
00:48:01,930 --> 00:48:04,287
Hey! You also said you couldn't
make her beautiful in two days

705
00:48:04,287 --> 00:48:06,095
and look at 'er now.
Look how gorgeous she is.

706
00:48:06,888 --> 00:48:09,099
I mean, compared to the 
car wreck she was before.

707
00:48:09,099 --> 00:48:12,979
My duties are clearly stated in a 
contract and I have fulfilled them all.

708
00:48:12,979 --> 00:48:15,419
Listen to me. You talent her up
by tomorrow morning or...

709
00:48:15,419 --> 00:48:16,021
Are you threatening me?

710
00:48:16,021 --> 00:48:18,918
- Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- How dare you, you... cupcake?

711
00:48:18,918 --> 00:48:20,634
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Time-out, 
time-out, time-out, guys.

712
00:48:20,634 --> 00:48:21,846
There's somethin' I know 
how to do, all right?

713
00:48:21,846 --> 00:48:24,050
I haven't done it since high school
but it's kinda like... ride a bike.

714
00:48:24,050 --> 00:48:25,973
You are not having sex
on this stage.

715
00:48:25,973 --> 00:48:27,797
I... I didn't know that 
was an option, all right?

716
00:48:27,797 --> 00:48:30,246
Look, this thing... I just 
gotta call room service, right?

717
00:48:31,603 --> 00:48:32,563
Miss Hart.

718
00:48:33,125 --> 00:48:34,173
Please.

719
00:48:37,933 --> 00:48:39,988
Thank you.
And the other one.

720
00:48:43,029 --> 00:48:43,929
Thank you.

721
00:48:50,927 --> 00:48:52,743
All right, all right, 
all right, all right.

722
00:48:54,394 --> 00:48:56,503
Happy, you doughnut Nazi?

723
00:49:35,505 --> 00:49:38,043
Did I tell you that Stan 
Fields was gettin' fired?

724
00:49:38,043 --> 00:49:38,754
I'm on it.

725
00:49:38,754 --> 00:49:41,707
Look, you just concentrate
on being Gracie Lou, all right?

726
00:49:41,708 --> 00:49:42,328
Mm-hm.

727
00:49:42,328 --> 00:49:45,053
And by the way,
you're doin' a great job.

728
00:49:46,136 --> 00:49:47,709
I thought the 
evening gown looked...

729
00:49:48,072 --> 00:49:49,869
I mean... I totally bought it.

730
00:49:49,869 --> 00:49:53,893
- I know, you think I'm gorgeous.
- What? I don't think you're gorgeous.

731
00:49:53,893 --> 00:49:56,603
You think I'm gor-geous...

732
00:49:56,603 --> 00:49:59,487
You want to kiss me...

733
00:49:59,487 --> 00:50:02,850
- You want to hug me...
- Look, I think McDonald is more feminine.

734
00:50:02,850 --> 00:50:05,186
- I'd rather kiss him.
- You want to love me...

735
00:50:05,470 --> 00:50:09,425
You want to hug me...
You want to smooch me...

736
00:50:09,766 --> 00:50:10,719
You want to...

737
00:50:18,631 --> 00:50:20,869
Hm. Enjoy the rest o' your night.

738
00:50:35,505 --> 00:50:37,649
- Gracie, you look so tired.
- Yeah.

739
00:50:37,775 --> 00:50:39,791
Oh, she had a busy night.

740
00:50:40,178 --> 00:50:43,335
<i>I saw that gentleman stop
by the room.</i>

741
00:50:43,335 --> 00:50:45,758
- Gentleman?
- Uh-huh.

742
00:50:47,053 --> 00:50:48,469
That's not allowed.
No men in the room.

743
00:50:48,469 --> 00:50:50,532
Oh, but things are different
here on the mainland, Five-O.

744
00:50:50,532 --> 00:50:53,975
Now, hold on, ladies. Let's 
just hear her side of the story.

745
00:50:54,349 --> 00:50:55,724
Are you sleepin' with a judge?

746
00:50:59,563 --> 00:51:01,397
Oh... th-that guy?

747
00:51:02,042 --> 00:51:06,341
No, no, I-I-I-I-I was dating him
for a little while because...

748
00:51:06,651 --> 00:51:09,546
he told me he had 
an incurable disease.

749
00:51:09,547 --> 00:51:10,415
<i>Yes, yeah.</i>

750
00:51:11,081 --> 00:51:14,418
I-I-I-I didn't realize 
it was stupidity.

751
00:51:14,590 --> 00:51:15,304
<i>Oh, I know what that's like.</i>

752
00:51:15,304 --> 00:51:15,765
All right.

753
00:51:15,765 --> 00:51:18,424
Yeah.
He is such a pathetic loser.

754
00:51:18,957 --> 00:51:20,460
It's, like, I'm sorry
he's obsessed with me

755
00:51:20,460 --> 00:51:24,839
<i>but at some point it's, like, "Hello!
Move on! Get over yourself!"</i>

756
00:51:26,406 --> 00:51:28,092
<i>I mean, his ego is like this big.</i>

757
00:51:28,092 --> 00:51:31,053
- But his equipment is like this big!
- Ohh!

758
00:51:32,180 --> 00:51:34,516
Good cover! Yeah.
We worked that out together.

759
00:51:34,516 --> 00:51:35,824
<i>Use that sucker for a needle.</i>

760
00:51:35,824 --> 00:51:38,950
All right, back to work. Get ready
for the Alamo. Let's go. Break it up.

761
00:51:40,812 --> 00:51:42,338
Thank you. Thank you.

762
00:51:42,795 --> 00:51:47,553
And welcome to the Miss United 
States Pageant Preliminary

763
00:51:47,553 --> 00:51:52,155
here at the beautiful and 
historical Alamo! Yes...

764
00:51:53,953 --> 00:51:55,707
Prepare... for what promises to be

765
00:51:55,707 --> 00:51:59,996
a day of astounding musical,
theatrical and dancing talent.

766
00:52:00,293 --> 00:52:02,380
And after I'm finished,
you can see the ladies.

767
00:52:03,876 --> 00:52:04,604
Oh, yes!

768
00:52:06,937 --> 00:52:08,252
And now... put it together...

769
00:52:08,252 --> 00:52:12,975
for... Miss Mary Jo 
Wright from Texas!

770
00:52:49,714 --> 00:52:51,508
What's her talent, 
bartending?

771
00:53:16,878 --> 00:53:20,476
I made it very clear you weren't responsible
for making her look credible, Victor.

772
00:53:24,255 --> 00:53:25,878
I wish I could explain...

773
00:53:26,696 --> 00:53:29,461
but there are no words.

774
00:53:42,458 --> 00:53:43,350
Eagle-Eye?

775
00:53:44,783 --> 00:53:47,798
You might wanna check 
out cowboy at 1 o'clock.

776
00:53:48,464 --> 00:53:52,786
- My 1 o'clock or your 1 o'clock?
- Right under the white Stetson.

777
00:53:53,667 --> 00:53:55,733
What Stetson?
There's Stetsons everywhere.

778
00:53:59,042 --> 00:54:00,076
He's moving, he's moving...

779
00:54:00,076 --> 00:54:02,325
<i>Oh, he's moving towards the stage.
He's definitely shooting. Anybody?</i>

780
00:54:02,325 --> 00:54:03,705
Hold on a minute,
we're checkin' it out.

781
00:54:04,132 --> 00:54:04,936
Guys.

782
00:54:09,982 --> 00:54:12,392
Hey, guys, he has a gun.
He has a gun.

783
00:54:13,825 --> 00:54:15,188
<i>Who's got the 20 on the shooter?</i>

784
00:54:17,993 --> 00:54:20,471
- I'm takin' 'im out, you guys...
- No, wait till we have a visual.

785
00:54:22,572 --> 00:54:25,712
Gun! Gun! Down, down!
Everybody down!

786
00:54:29,643 --> 00:54:30,209
Better up to them...

787
00:54:30,826 --> 00:54:31,984
don't you think?

788
00:54:33,275 --> 00:54:36,599
<i>In a very bizarre incident today at
the Miss United States Preliminaries,</i>

789
00:54:37,353 --> 00:54:40,042
<i>the contestant from New 
Jersey leapt off-stage</i>

790
00:54:40,042 --> 00:54:44,184
<i>and tackled a man in the crowd
who was just trying to light a cigarette.</i>

791
00:54:44,184 --> 00:54:46,775
<i>Gracie Lou Freebush is her name.
She's here with me right now.</i>

792
00:54:46,775 --> 00:54:50,359
<i>Tell me exactly what were you thinking
when you jumped off the stage?</i>

793
00:54:50,674 --> 00:54:52,851
<i>Well, as you know, all the 
contestants are actively involved</i>

794
00:54:52,851 --> 00:54:55,061
<i>in trying to end America's 
dependence on tobacco.</i>

795
00:54:55,061 --> 00:54:59,691
<i>So, needless to say I think the gentleman
will think twice before he lights up again.</i>

796
00:54:59,691 --> 00:55:01,512
<i>I'm sure we all will.</i>

797
00:55:06,640 --> 00:55:08,319
- Look, he had a gun.
- Of course he had a gun.

798
00:55:08,775 --> 00:55:10,314
This is Texas,
everybody has a gun.

799
00:55:10,314 --> 00:55:13,591
- My florist has a gun.
- I don't have a gun.

800
00:55:13,896 --> 00:55:16,995
- My ancestors were Quakers.
- Stan, please!

801
00:55:16,995 --> 00:55:20,391
Look, we're gonna assume that
any man with a weapon is a suspect.

802
00:55:20,391 --> 00:55:22,515
Not any more.
We got the DNA results.

803
00:55:22,515 --> 00:55:25,784
The envelope from the Citizen...
was licked by a woman.

804
00:55:25,784 --> 00:55:27,959
DNA? There's never 
been any DNA before.

805
00:55:28,372 --> 00:55:30,357
Well, he slipped up.
Or I should say "she".

806
00:55:30,357 --> 00:55:34,949
This is preposterous. You 
people are completely clueless.

807
00:55:34,949 --> 00:55:38,660
I mean, if I ran my pageant like this,
we'd be holding it in someone's basement!

808
00:55:38,660 --> 00:55:42,039
Miss Morningside. Every operation
is bound to have its screwups.

809
00:55:42,199 --> 00:55:44,930
As far as I can see,
she's still with us.

810
00:55:46,391 --> 00:55:47,517
Oh, God!

811
00:55:47,825 --> 00:55:50,706
Gentlemen, could I have a moment 
alone with Miss Hart, please?

812
00:55:50,979 --> 00:55:52,182
Sure.

813
00:55:55,291 --> 00:55:59,569
Just for a tiny minute. We'll just 
be a moment. It's... just shop talk.

814
00:55:59,569 --> 00:56:01,369
Hair, gel, mousse.

815
00:56:03,531 --> 00:56:07,502
Look, I-I-I... I know I made 
a mistake. I'm sorry.

816
00:56:09,795 --> 00:56:13,351
You know, I've been fighting
all my life against your type.

817
00:56:13,707 --> 00:56:16,986
The ones who think we're 
a bunch of worthless airheads.

818
00:56:17,385 --> 00:56:18,588
You know who I mean.

819
00:56:18,799 --> 00:56:23,020
Feminists, intellectuals...
ugly women.

820
00:56:23,985 --> 00:56:26,164
But I refuse to give in
to their cynicism.

821
00:56:26,497 --> 00:56:30,325
That's why I have dedicated my 
entire life to this scholarship program.

822
00:56:31,561 --> 00:56:35,329
And no one's going to 
ruin that. Not this year.

823
00:56:36,363 --> 00:56:39,085
You get in my way,
I will kill you.

824
00:56:40,569 --> 00:56:43,701
- Do you understand?
- Uhh, yeah.

825
00:56:44,201 --> 00:56:47,092
- Yes!
- Yes.

826
00:56:56,387 --> 00:56:56,985
Frank!

827
00:56:58,095 --> 00:57:02,388
The interview is the single
most important part of the pageant.

828
00:57:02,967 --> 00:57:05,162
It accounts for 30%
of your total score.

829
00:57:05,162 --> 00:57:07,507
And what's the 
other 70%, cleavage?

830
00:57:10,229 --> 00:57:12,686
Is this your idea of doin' final preps on 
the convention center? Come on, let's go!

831
00:57:12,686 --> 00:57:14,017
No, no, no.

832
00:57:14,330 --> 00:57:17,101
Look at this. Liberace's got 'er
in a nice evening gown.

833
00:57:17,981 --> 00:57:18,903
And McDonald called.

834
00:57:18,903 --> 00:57:22,336
He saw Hart's little anti-smoking 
commercial. He's on his way down.

835
00:57:22,336 --> 00:57:23,414
Oh, good, perfect.

836
00:57:23,746 --> 00:57:26,052
Cause I'd hate for 'im
to fire me over the phone.

837
00:57:26,052 --> 00:57:28,533
- I can't believe this!
- It's gonna be ugly.

838
00:57:28,533 --> 00:57:29,730
No shit.

839
00:57:30,490 --> 00:57:32,621
Look, I gotta do somethin'.
I'm gonna go do laps, all right?

840
00:57:32,621 --> 00:57:35,348
Back in fifteen minutes. We'll 
go over tomorrow's assignments.

841
00:57:35,348 --> 00:57:36,734
You got it.

842
00:57:36,734 --> 00:57:38,551
<i>Hands folded...</i>

843
00:57:39,253 --> 00:57:40,961
ankles crossed.

844
00:57:41,297 --> 00:57:44,514
Neck up!
And remember. Smile.

845
00:57:44,806 --> 00:57:48,663
Smilers wear a crown,
losers wear a frown.

846
00:57:48,663 --> 00:57:53,878
- I would so love to hurt you right now.
- As long as you... smile.

847
00:57:54,727 --> 00:57:59,880
Now... Why is New Jersey called
the Garden State?

848
00:58:00,368 --> 00:58:04,700
Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and 
petrochemical refinery state" on a license plate?

849
00:58:04,700 --> 00:58:07,453
You know, I-I don't appreciate
your selfishness and immaturity

850
00:58:07,495 --> 00:58:09,410
when I'm working 
as hard as I am.

851
00:58:09,410 --> 00:58:11,211
You know, what is 
the diffence? Big deal.

852
00:58:11,211 --> 00:58:15,504
It is fixed, I'm in the top five.
Congratulations... to me.

853
00:58:15,637 --> 00:58:16,831
But i-i-is that enough?

854
00:58:16,905 --> 00:58:20,466
Have you no pride in... in yourself,
in your... in your presentation?

855
00:58:20,509 --> 00:58:22,841
You know what?
I'm an FBI agent, all right?

856
00:58:22,878 --> 00:58:24,573
I'm not a performing 
monkey in heels.

857
00:58:24,614 --> 00:58:27,395
You're also a person and 
an incomplete one at that!

858
00:58:27,483 --> 00:58:31,146
In place of friends and relationships,
you have... sarcasm and a gun.

859
00:58:31,146 --> 00:58:32,596
Oh, I have sarcasm?

860
00:58:32,596 --> 00:58:36,312
When every word that comes out
of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

861
00:58:36,646 --> 00:58:40,018
Ah, that is because I am 
a miserable, grumpy elitist,

862
00:58:40,018 --> 00:58:41,088
and that works for me.

863
00:58:41,332 --> 00:58:44,194
You know what? I don't have 
relationships because I don't want them.

864
00:58:44,194 --> 00:58:47,777
And-and-and I don't have friends
because I work 24-7.

865
00:58:48,047 --> 00:58:51,462
And you have no idea
why I am the way that I am.

866
00:58:51,462 --> 00:58:54,752
Look, as we're practising interviews 
here, why are you the way you are?

867
00:58:54,752 --> 00:58:56,628
None o' your damn business.
That's why.

868
00:58:56,915 --> 00:58:57,729
None o' your damn business.

869
00:58:57,729 --> 00:58:59,982
All the judges probably
have never heard that before.

870
00:59:00,021 --> 00:59:01,558
We have more to do here.

871
00:59:03,858 --> 00:59:05,674
No, we are finished.

872
00:59:07,194 --> 00:59:08,340
Finished.

873
00:59:11,133 --> 00:59:12,904
<i>Come in, gimme a 20 on 
Matthews. Right now.</i>

874
00:59:13,002 --> 00:59:14,767
Be advised he's at the pool.

875
00:59:18,146 --> 00:59:21,785
"How do you feel about 
gun control?" Favorable.

876
00:59:31,121 --> 00:59:33,465
Thought I'd let you know I was 
quittin', all right? Take care.

877
00:59:34,559 --> 00:59:36,100
Hold on a second.
Wait a minute.

878
00:59:37,029 --> 00:59:38,162
What do you mean, you quit?

879
00:59:38,530 --> 00:59:40,834
I mean, you got the 
wrong girl. All right?

880
00:59:41,434 --> 00:59:42,924
Hart, I do not need this now.

881
00:59:42,970 --> 00:59:45,093
I know you don't need this right now.
That's what I'm saying, all right?

882
00:59:45,093 --> 00:59:48,860
I'm totally screwing up in there!
I don't even feel like a real agent anymore.

883
00:59:49,176 --> 00:59:51,280
I mean, Vic says this 
thing that's, like, so...

884
00:59:52,538 --> 00:59:56,110
You know... I don't care what he said.
I don't care. I-I-I don't care, you know?

885
00:59:56,354 --> 00:59:58,898
Because I am the job. I am 
the job and I'm okay with that.

886
00:59:59,253 --> 01:00:02,584
- I mean, you're the job. Right?
- Yeah, I'm the job. We're all the job.

887
01:00:02,584 --> 01:00:04,814
You're the job. So, then, 
what's wrong with me?

888
01:00:05,094 --> 01:00:06,484
I date. I go on dates.

889
01:00:06,484 --> 01:00:09,006
I know... I know everyone thinks
I haven't had a date about 10 years.

890
01:00:09,332 --> 01:00:12,499
- Is that... is that what you think?
- I think you date.

891
01:00:12,499 --> 01:00:16,767
Damn right I do. But, you know,
both times it was totally screwed up.

892
01:00:17,842 --> 01:00:19,371
You know what?
I don't even care. I don't care.

893
01:00:19,371 --> 01:00:22,350
All I... all I wanna do... 
is my job.

894
01:00:22,680 --> 01:00:25,796
And for the last three days,
I feel like I'm completely lost.

895
01:00:26,345 --> 01:00:28,741
Hart, listen to me. I've been waiting
five years to run my own op.

896
01:00:28,741 --> 01:00:30,423
You think I'd blow it
on the wrong girl?

897
01:00:30,423 --> 01:00:31,757
No, no, no. I know the 
only reason you picked me

898
01:00:31,757 --> 01:00:35,200
is because I'm the only one to look half decent
in the bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.

899
01:00:35,261 --> 01:00:37,388
No, that's why they 
let me pick you.

900
01:00:37,431 --> 01:00:39,235
- You wanna know why I picked you?
- Lost a bet.

901
01:00:39,365 --> 01:00:42,992
Because you're smart, because you don't 
take any crap from people, you're funny...

902
01:00:43,170 --> 01:00:45,373
you're easy to talk to
when you're not armed...

903
01:00:46,007 --> 01:00:48,964
Give yourself a break, cut Vic and the 
rest of the pageant ladies some slack.

904
01:00:48,964 --> 01:00:51,505
Because if they see ever get the 
chance to see what I see, then...

905
01:00:53,530 --> 01:00:54,293
they're gonna love you.

906
01:00:58,587 --> 01:01:00,161
So, what do you say?

907
01:01:06,263 --> 01:01:09,616
- All right, I won't let you down.
- Good, that's what I wanna hear.

908
01:01:09,616 --> 01:01:11,979
I mean, in all honesty,
I-I-I might let you down.

909
01:01:12,937 --> 01:01:16,033
But I'm gonna... 
try my best... not to.

910
01:01:19,578 --> 01:01:21,375
Do not mess with the dress.

911
01:01:27,654 --> 01:01:30,040
Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.

912
01:01:30,256 --> 01:01:32,888
- What?
- You in big trouble.

913
01:01:33,060 --> 01:01:35,236
- Why? You fell. You actually...
- Big trouble.

914
01:01:35,396 --> 01:01:36,913
- You look good wet.
- Shut up!

915
01:01:50,697 --> 01:01:53,467
Whoa, whoa, guys! Hart's in the 
dressing room. Come on. Come on!

916
01:01:53,467 --> 01:01:56,701
- Ow! You see the legs on that girl?
- Who's your daddy?

917
01:02:12,904 --> 01:02:15,933
- Those better be candy dishes!
- Turn around.

918
01:02:18,645 --> 01:02:20,096
Open.

919
01:02:22,482 --> 01:02:24,698
This guy's like an inch 
from death! You see this?

920
01:02:25,085 --> 01:02:27,645
Yeah, yeah, but what a way to go!

921
01:02:27,688 --> 01:02:29,305
- Break it up. Nothing to see.
- What do you mean?

922
01:02:29,757 --> 01:02:29,804
What do you mean?

923
01:02:30,507 --> 01:02:32,474
She's a federal agent. Come on.
Give her a break.

924
01:02:35,619 --> 01:02:38,326
Oh, good. I guess it's time 
to apply at my local "Hooters".

925
01:02:38,867 --> 01:02:40,012
What? Hemorrhoid ointment?

926
01:02:40,012 --> 01:02:42,496
You really think the judges
are gonna be lookin' that closely?

927
01:02:42,539 --> 01:02:45,030
It's for the little baggies
under your eyes.

928
01:02:45,074 --> 01:02:45,520
Really?

929
01:02:47,310 --> 01:02:49,617
Good, hair spray. Finally 
something I recognize.

930
01:02:51,548 --> 01:02:52,776
What are you doing?

931
01:02:52,817 --> 01:02:56,111
- It stops the suit from riding up.
- Riding up where?

932
01:02:56,655 --> 01:02:59,485
- Just... up!
- That is enough!

933
01:02:59,957 --> 01:03:01,322
Why do you make things 
difficult for me?

934
01:03:01,359 --> 01:03:04,849
Oh, yeah, I can see this is an incredibly
embarrassing situation for you.

935
01:03:05,331 --> 01:03:07,327
Ah! Okay, why does Georgia
get to wear a one-piece

936
01:03:07,327 --> 01:03:08,501
and I have to wear this?!

937
01:03:08,768 --> 01:03:12,800
Listen. If you can do this, then you can
convince anyone that you belong here.

938
01:03:13,139 --> 01:03:14,834
Places, everybody!
Let's go!

939
01:03:14,908 --> 01:03:20,505
The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts 
for 15% of the total score,

940
01:03:20,547 --> 01:03:24,233
and tests the grace,
athleticism and poise

941
01:03:24,233 --> 01:03:26,816
of each lovely woman.

942
01:03:27,822 --> 01:03:30,671
Look, the last time I was this naked in 
public, I was coming out of a uterus, okay?

943
01:03:30,671 --> 01:03:34,290
I-I don't have any breasts, my thighs...
I should be wearing a moomoo. Really.

944
01:03:34,697 --> 01:03:36,826
Look. I have been avoiding 
this experience my entire life.

945
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:39,949
And here it is. You must 
achieve a Zen-like state.

946
01:03:39,949 --> 01:03:42,390
Listen to your breathing,
feel your heartbeat,

947
01:03:42,739 --> 01:03:44,243
think of the Dalai Lama.

948
01:04:04,597 --> 01:04:06,394
Texas!

949
01:04:10,905 --> 01:04:12,167
Rhode Island!

950
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:18,510
New Jersey!

951
01:04:28,825 --> 01:04:29,677
Nebraska!

952
01:04:30,027 --> 01:04:31,519
Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama,
Dalai Lama...

953
01:04:33,997 --> 01:04:35,109
New York!

954
01:04:39,404 --> 01:04:40,803
California!

955
01:04:45,209 --> 01:04:48,017
I would have to say,
world peace.

956
01:04:48,180 --> 01:04:50,842
Definitely, world peace.

957
01:04:50,883 --> 01:04:53,818
That's easy. World peace.

958
01:04:53,853 --> 01:04:55,184
World peace.

959
01:04:55,355 --> 01:05:00,588
What is the one most important 
thing our society needs?

960
01:05:01,461 --> 01:05:05,792
That would be harsher punishment
for parole violators, Stan.

961
01:05:11,606 --> 01:05:14,261
And... world peace.

962
01:05:20,171 --> 01:05:23,911
- Thank you, Gracie Lou.
- And thank you, Stan.

963
01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:29,456
Cheryl Frasier... 
from Rhode Island.

964
01:05:29,494 --> 01:05:32,019
That was charming.
Are you drunk?

965
01:05:32,019 --> 01:05:33,314
I'm glad you 
enjoyed it, monkey.

966
01:05:33,314 --> 01:05:36,160
If you'd excuse me, I have 
to go unscrew my smile.

967
01:05:36,835 --> 01:05:38,564
Hey. We got a lead.

968
01:05:38,737 --> 01:05:40,335
- What, the blood test?
- Photos.

969
01:05:40,740 --> 01:05:44,913
Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical
animal rights group involved in several bombings.

970
01:05:45,379 --> 01:05:46,503
It's always the quiet ones.

971
01:05:46,503 --> 01:05:49,768
Anyway, she fits the profile:
a loner, introverted...

972
01:05:50,017 --> 01:05:51,780
Cheryl? That Cheryl?

973
01:05:51,852 --> 01:05:55,117
Describe your perfect date.

974
01:05:56,958 --> 01:05:58,555
That's a tough one.

975
01:06:01,329 --> 01:06:04,492
I'd have to say April 25th,

976
01:06:04,533 --> 01:06:08,138
because it's not too hot,
not too cold.

977
01:06:08,138 --> 01:06:10,728
All you need is a light jacket.

978
01:06:12,609 --> 01:06:14,665
Right. Now, there is
a hardened criminal.

979
01:06:16,060 --> 01:06:18,589
Hey! Listen to me, Sparky!
Maybe she's an accomplice.

980
01:06:18,986 --> 01:06:21,670
Maybe she's his inside connection.
Maybe she's totally innocent.

981
01:06:21,986 --> 01:06:23,656
- That's what you gotta find out.
- How?

982
01:06:23,855 --> 01:06:26,683
I don't know, coke some out of 'er,
buddy up to her... You know, girl talk.

983
01:06:26,943 --> 01:06:28,334
- Girl talk?
- Yes, girl talk.

984
01:06:30,616 --> 01:06:32,053
I'm sorry, I'm totally 
drawin' a blank.

985
01:06:32,537 --> 01:06:34,934
Well, leg waxing, 
fake orgasms,

986
01:06:34,934 --> 01:06:37,294
the inability of 
men to commit...

987
01:06:37,603 --> 01:06:39,014
Well, why don't 
you go talk to 'er?

988
01:06:40,179 --> 01:06:41,772
Just imagine that she's me

989
01:06:41,809 --> 01:06:43,902
and there's somethin' you wanna 
know, but I don't wanna talk about it.

990
01:06:43,944 --> 01:06:45,173
What would you do?

991
01:06:45,883 --> 01:06:47,238
You want me to beat it out of her?

992
01:06:48,082 --> 01:06:51,527
- Why don't you go talk to her?
- Okay, you know what? Forget about it. I will go.

993
01:06:51,527 --> 01:06:54,051
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
What are you doin'? Put that back in your ear.

994
01:06:54,090 --> 01:06:56,393
I can't talk girl talk
with a guy in my head.

995
01:06:56,659 --> 01:06:58,356
I can't even do it
with me in my head.

996
01:07:01,597 --> 01:07:02,689
Girl talk.

997
01:07:10,975 --> 01:07:14,851
- Oh, my God!
- Hey, Rhode Island! How you doin'?

998
01:07:15,380 --> 01:07:18,331
How can you ask that?
You heard my interview.

999
01:07:19,050 --> 01:07:21,553
I was like a female Rain Man.

1000
01:07:21,553 --> 01:07:25,087
Oh, no, it-it def-def-definitely
wasn't Rain Man.

1001
01:07:25,087 --> 01:07:26,773
De-definitely wasn't Rain Man.

1002
01:07:26,773 --> 01:07:29,657
Come and have a midnight 
snack with me and, uh, some...

1003
01:07:29,796 --> 01:07:31,029
girl talk. Come on.

1004
01:07:31,131 --> 01:07:34,012
Are you crazy?
We can't have pizza and beer!

1005
01:07:34,367 --> 01:07:36,700
Do you know how many 
calories you're talking about?

1006
01:07:36,782 --> 01:07:39,992
Uh... it's light beer and
she's gonna throw it up anyway.

1007
01:07:40,408 --> 01:07:41,265
Come on.

1008
01:07:41,610 --> 01:07:42,662
Come in.

1009
01:07:43,245 --> 01:07:46,235
No? No takers? No?

1010
01:07:47,482 --> 01:07:50,353
All right, well, you know,
I'll just... sit here.

1011
01:07:50,353 --> 01:07:52,116
You guys go back
on your little bicycles

1012
01:07:52,155 --> 01:07:57,593
and I'll sit here with my...
very large, cheesy pizza.

1013
01:07:57,627 --> 01:07:59,993
Oh, look at all that cheese.

1014
01:08:01,298 --> 01:08:02,882
Cheryl... don't.

1015
01:08:02,882 --> 01:08:05,473
- I don't know.
- At least scrape off the toppings.

1016
01:08:05,473 --> 01:08:09,655
First step, pizza.
Second step, flaming batons...

1017
01:08:16,343 --> 01:08:18,585
Well, I guess we'll be 
needing some more pizza.

1018
01:08:36,772 --> 01:08:38,467
I need another drink!

1019
01:08:39,882 --> 01:08:41,514
We're gonna get a drink.

1020
01:08:59,231 --> 01:09:00,755
Another round, ladies?

1021
01:09:02,119 --> 01:09:04,358
- I can't do another one!
- Yes, you can.

1022
01:09:13,446 --> 01:09:17,642
This is so weird! This is my third one
o' these and I don't feel a thing!

1023
01:09:17,951 --> 01:09:18,747
Really?

1024
01:09:18,785 --> 01:09:21,447
Kinda like when I answered
my interview question.

1025
01:09:21,488 --> 01:09:23,519
Well, you know, don't worry
about that, we all sucked.

1026
01:09:23,519 --> 01:09:27,286
You know, I had such a good 
answer to that question too.

1027
01:09:27,328 --> 01:09:27,336
Yeah?

1028
01:09:27,962 --> 01:09:33,216
My idea of a perfect date would be a 
man who takes me to a romantic dinner

1029
01:09:33,216 --> 01:09:39,861
and then we walk along the beach barefoot,
discussing books and-and music and-and movies!

1030
01:09:41,311 --> 01:09:42,810
No wonder you're still a virgin.

1031
01:09:45,921 --> 01:09:48,177
- Okay. Time to paint. Come on.
- No, my contacts.

1032
01:09:51,822 --> 01:09:52,610
We're gonna stay here.

1033
01:09:53,460 --> 01:09:56,051
We're gonna have some 
more, uh... pizza and beer.

1034
01:09:58,831 --> 01:09:59,865
Have fun!

1035
01:10:00,399 --> 01:10:03,087
- This is so much fun.
- Yeah, it's fun.

1036
01:10:03,870 --> 01:10:05,539
It's so fun it should be illegal.

1037
01:10:06,040 --> 01:10:07,708
- No?
- Speaking of illegal...

1038
01:10:08,042 --> 01:10:10,510
like, have you ever, like...
committed a crime?

1039
01:10:11,578 --> 01:10:13,102
Yes!

1040
01:10:14,082 --> 01:10:15,531
Yes, I... I did.

1041
01:10:17,886 --> 01:10:19,019
Go on.

1042
01:10:20,622 --> 01:10:24,149
One time I stole red underwear
from the department store.

1043
01:10:24,193 --> 01:10:26,161
My mother wouldn't 
buy them for me!

1044
01:10:26,195 --> 01:10:28,962
She said they 
were Satan's panties.

1045
01:10:31,802 --> 01:10:33,898
- So, is... is that it?
- Yeah.

1046
01:10:34,304 --> 01:10:39,489
Oh, well, there was, uh, this one
thing in college with my lit professor.

1047
01:10:39,933 --> 01:10:41,997
And, um... one day 
I came to his office

1048
01:10:41,997 --> 01:10:44,622
cause he said he wanted
to discuss a paper I wrote.

1049
01:10:45,751 --> 01:10:48,169
He wanted to discuss 
a paper, right?

1050
01:10:48,420 --> 01:10:50,771
Hey, um, can I get another
one of these tubie things?

1051
01:10:50,771 --> 01:10:53,920
Yeah, can we get another...
you know, tubie... more?

1052
01:10:54,361 --> 01:10:56,295
Anyway, he attacked me.

1053
01:10:59,065 --> 01:11:01,554
Ch... Cheryl, did you...
did you report him?

1054
01:11:01,701 --> 01:11:04,726
Oh, no, I never told 
anyone before this.

1055
01:11:05,139 --> 01:11:07,142
I-I know that kind of thing
happens all the time.

1056
01:11:07,142 --> 01:11:09,625
No, no, it doesn't!
Cheryl, it doesn't.

1057
01:11:10,045 --> 01:11:13,173
You know, there is, like, so many 
maneuvers that I could show you.

1058
01:11:13,248 --> 01:11:15,171
- Really?
- Yeah!

1059
01:11:16,051 --> 01:11:17,381
Come on.
You know, get up. Get up.

1060
01:11:18,587 --> 01:11:19,987
All right. Now I want you
to firmly plant your feet.

1061
01:11:20,328 --> 01:11:21,254
- Right here, right here.
- Okay.

1062
01:11:21,254 --> 01:11:22,613
I'm gonna move the chair.
Hold on!

1063
01:11:23,227 --> 01:11:24,057
Now, if someone comes at you...

1064
01:11:32,370 --> 01:11:34,400
She's completely trashed.

1065
01:11:35,039 --> 01:11:37,991
You know, we should get her back
before, uh, Miss Morningside finds out.

1066
01:11:38,310 --> 01:11:41,179
Oh, Kathy's just got a boot 
up her ass about something.

1067
01:11:41,179 --> 01:11:43,996
Oh, I don't think she ever 
got over those... rumors.

1068
01:11:44,324 --> 01:11:45,011
Come again?

1069
01:11:45,011 --> 01:11:48,179
You know, her pageant years,
she was a runner-up.

1070
01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:51,063
But then the winner just 
mysteriously gets food poisoning.

1071
01:11:51,063 --> 01:11:52,108
Bizarro!

1072
01:11:52,108 --> 01:11:57,060
Uh-uh, Stan told me she got a letter, like,
a few weeks back from the network

1073
01:11:57,098 --> 01:12:01,701
and they're firing her too!
She threw a chair out the window!

1074
01:12:03,559 --> 01:12:04,802
Okay, we gotta go. Come on.

1075
01:12:05,207 --> 01:12:08,147
Look! I got 20 people here
waiting for confirmation.

1076
01:12:13,883 --> 01:12:15,732
No, don't tell me I don't understand.
You don't understand.

1077
01:12:16,189 --> 01:12:18,073
I hate it when I don't see
that wet paint sign.

1078
01:12:18,073 --> 01:12:19,050
Okay, stop it. Listen.

1079
01:12:19,386 --> 01:12:21,010
What? I can't hear you,
I took out my earpiece.

1080
01:12:21,010 --> 01:12:23,216
You stop?
I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.

1081
01:12:23,261 --> 01:12:26,204
Forget it, Picasso. Looks like 
they bagged the Citizen.

1082
01:12:26,204 --> 01:12:27,033
What? Where?

1083
01:12:27,033 --> 01:12:32,574
All right. It's confirmed. He was 
holing up in a little shack in Nevada.

1084
01:12:33,138 --> 01:12:35,572
Place had enough C4 to 
make a new Grand Canyon.

1085
01:12:35,875 --> 01:12:37,319
Let's pack up and
get the hell outta here.

1086
01:12:38,904 --> 01:12:40,586
Sir, I-I need to talk to 
you for a minute.

1087
01:12:40,629 --> 01:12:41,762
I just... one second 
o' your time.

1088
01:12:41,762 --> 01:12:43,662
- Hart!
- Just, uh, hear me out for a second.

1089
01:12:43,699 --> 01:12:46,296
I-I... I really feel that the 
situation bears further scrutiny

1090
01:12:46,296 --> 01:12:48,330
and our... and our continued 
presence here at the pageant.

1091
01:12:48,330 --> 01:12:50,297
What are you, deaf?
You just got paint in the ears!

1092
01:12:50,340 --> 01:12:51,671
Look, we caught the guy!

1093
01:12:51,708 --> 01:12:53,624
Sir, I hear what you're saying.
I totally respect it,

1094
01:12:53,624 --> 01:12:55,143
and if I were you, I'd probably 
say the same thing to me

1095
01:12:55,178 --> 01:12:57,479
but... what if we were wrong?

1096
01:12:57,515 --> 01:13:00,827
What if the Citizen didn't send 
the letter? What if it was a copycat?

1097
01:13:01,585 --> 01:13:04,071
- Copycat...
- No, sir, the letter didn't follow the normal pattern.

1098
01:13:04,071 --> 01:13:06,786
The... linguistic scheme was
totally uncharacteristic

1099
01:13:06,825 --> 01:13:09,539
and the DNA said 
it was a woman!

1100
01:13:09,694 --> 01:13:12,035
Maybe he got his girlfriend
to lick the envelope.

1101
01:13:12,035 --> 01:13:15,245
Sir, I-I think we have reason
to monitor Kathy Morningside.

1102
01:13:15,245 --> 01:13:15,968
Really?

1103
01:13:15,968 --> 01:13:19,062
Why don't you jump on 'er
dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?

1104
01:13:19,105 --> 01:13:22,176
Look, you are the reason I had to 
drag myself down here in the first place

1105
01:13:22,176 --> 01:13:24,070
and I don't wanna hear
another damn word!

1106
01:13:24,464 --> 01:13:27,262
Yes, sir. You're absolutely right.
Not another damn word.

1107
01:13:27,765 --> 01:13:28,642
Thank you.

1108
01:13:28,683 --> 01:13:32,179
But, sir, she's getting fired this year,
which she neglected to tell us.

1109
01:13:32,214 --> 01:13:35,247
Hart, you're already in enough 
trouble with the review board.

1110
01:13:35,247 --> 01:13:37,555
Yeah, yeah, but, you know the other 
thing. When she was in the pageant,

1111
01:13:37,555 --> 01:13:41,464
the only reason she won the crown was because 
the winner "mysteriously" got food poisoning.

1112
01:13:41,464 --> 01:13:42,692
How bizarro is that?

1113
01:13:42,732 --> 01:13:43,596
"Bizarro"?

1114
01:13:43,633 --> 01:13:46,090
Oh! Oh! And another thing.
She threatens me.

1115
01:13:46,090 --> 01:13:48,239
And according to Mary Jo,
she has a history of violent behavior.

1116
01:13:48,239 --> 01:13:49,774
Who the hell is Mary Jo?

1117
01:13:49,774 --> 01:13:51,833
The point is, where you gettin' your 
information, from a pyjama party?

1118
01:13:51,876 --> 01:13:54,018
- No.
- Would you just... shut up?

1119
01:13:54,053 --> 01:13:56,143
Why? You're shuttin' up 
enough for the both of us.

1120
01:13:56,178 --> 01:13:57,703
- Matthews...
- Yes, sir.

1121
01:13:57,738 --> 01:14:00,323
Is there any reason
to suspect Morningside?

1122
01:14:07,406 --> 01:14:08,789
No, sir.

1123
01:14:12,031 --> 01:14:13,373
There.

1124
01:14:13,399 --> 01:14:16,766
Sir, I request permission to stay behind
with a small contingent of agents.

1125
01:14:17,194 --> 01:14:20,432
- Denied.
- Then I request permission to stay behind alone.

1126
01:14:20,795 --> 01:14:23,476
You know what?
I don't care what you do.

1127
01:14:23,511 --> 01:14:26,548
You wanna stay, stay!
But as a private citizen.

1128
01:14:26,896 --> 01:14:29,015
Turn in your badge 
and your gun.

1129
01:14:29,184 --> 01:14:31,921
All right, everybody,
I suggest we start packing.

1130
01:14:31,921 --> 01:14:33,013
Yes, sir.

1131
01:14:36,104 --> 01:14:36,985
What?

1132
01:14:37,520 --> 01:14:39,039
Come on, don't look at me
like I just betrayed you.

1133
01:14:39,039 --> 01:14:41,751
No, betrayal implies an action.
You just stood there.

1134
01:14:41,751 --> 01:14:42,786
You got nothin' to go on.

1135
01:14:42,786 --> 01:14:45,814
No, you know... I know everyone 
thinks I'm a screwup, all right?

1136
01:14:45,849 --> 01:14:47,082
But for the first time in my life,

1137
01:14:47,082 --> 01:14:49,506
I feel like I'm in the right place
at the right time.

1138
01:14:49,506 --> 01:14:51,977
And I have to protect 
those girls. It is my job.

1139
01:14:52,451 --> 01:14:54,169
Fine. Part o' doin' the 
job is followin' orders.

1140
01:14:54,213 --> 01:14:56,738
The other part of that job
is using your brain, Eric.

1141
01:14:56,782 --> 01:14:58,431
Take the rule book and
just throw it our the window...

1142
01:14:58,431 --> 01:14:59,543
I like the rule book, okay?

1143
01:14:59,543 --> 01:15:01,718
I like knowin' what I 
can and cannot do.

1144
01:15:01,753 --> 01:15:03,961
You're not the only one
who lives his life for the job.

1145
01:15:03,961 --> 01:15:06,060
And I wanna keep mine
for the next 20 or 30 years.

1146
01:15:06,060 --> 01:15:07,527
Thank you very much.

1147
01:15:08,329 --> 01:15:11,535
Jesus, Hart.
Just... give it a rest.

1148
01:15:11,566 --> 01:15:13,329
Sure, give it a rest.

1149
01:15:15,433 --> 01:15:16,207
What're you doin'?

1150
01:15:18,073 --> 01:15:19,267
Don't do it.

1151
01:16:02,957 --> 01:16:06,695
Thank you.
Thank you so much.

1152
01:16:08,897 --> 01:16:10,865
I can't believe it!

1153
01:16:14,304 --> 01:16:15,676
Hi, mom.

1154
01:16:16,606 --> 01:16:18,475
Don't do that!

1155
01:16:18,475 --> 01:16:22,809
That slow, creepy thing in the 
shadows. Your father used to do that.

1156
01:16:22,846 --> 01:16:23,838
Mom.

1157
01:16:26,484 --> 01:16:28,452
This isn't gonna work.

1158
01:16:28,619 --> 01:16:30,951
Oh, honey,
of course it's going to work.

1159
01:16:30,988 --> 01:16:34,768
But since the feds caught the Citizen,
we've got no one to pin it on!

1160
01:16:34,803 --> 01:16:36,194
Okay, that was bad luck.

1161
01:16:36,194 --> 01:16:40,747
But what about all these other letters
from terrorist groups threatening us...?

1162
01:16:40,896 --> 01:16:44,001
"Women's Liberation Front."
"Islamic Jihad."

1163
01:16:44,036 --> 01:16:45,801
They're not so nuts about 
the swimsuit competition.

1164
01:16:45,839 --> 01:16:48,672
I mean, any one of these groups
could have planted a bomb.

1165
01:16:48,709 --> 01:16:53,404
- When did we get those?
- Well, I just finished writing them, Frank.

1166
01:16:53,581 --> 01:16:55,640
Just like the Citizen letter.

1167
01:16:56,790 --> 01:17:00,869
- You're a genius.
- No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.

1168
01:17:01,055 --> 01:17:03,583
Nobody fires me
and gets away with it.

1169
01:17:03,626 --> 01:17:05,856
The network wants a 
newer, hotter show...

1170
01:17:05,895 --> 01:17:07,419
they're gonna get it.

1171
01:17:07,463 --> 01:17:10,820
- Mom, you're a little scary.
- And you're a little bit sloppy.

1172
01:17:11,343 --> 01:17:13,628
Now, tuck your shirt.
I don't wanna tell you again.

1173
01:17:15,038 --> 01:17:18,431
- Let's go home, honey.
- But... mom?

1174
01:17:19,223 --> 01:17:20,265
Oops!

1175
01:17:39,533 --> 01:17:41,498
- Need a hand, boss?
- I got it.

1176
01:17:49,129 --> 01:17:51,254
Okay, Vic. Beautify me.

1177
01:17:51,289 --> 01:17:53,306
Hair, makeup, shellac,
whatever it is you do.

1178
01:17:53,349 --> 01:17:55,928
Where's that shiny stuff that you 
keep puttin' on my lips...? I love this...

1179
01:17:56,385 --> 01:17:56,879
Where you goin'?

1180
01:17:56,919 --> 01:17:59,717
Your agent McDonald 
insists that I depart

1181
01:17:59,756 --> 01:18:01,519
or I won't be compensated.

1182
01:18:01,558 --> 01:18:04,520
No. No, no, no! After the top 10!
I am completely on my own.

1183
01:18:04,628 --> 01:18:07,313
The FBI is gone, it's not 
fixed anymore. I need you!

1184
01:18:07,348 --> 01:18:09,531
Not anymore.
The cocoon is open.

1185
01:18:09,566 --> 01:18:12,828
I've taken a woman without
a discernable smidgen of estrogen...

1186
01:18:12,863 --> 01:18:14,632
and tramsformed her into a lady.

1187
01:18:14,772 --> 01:18:17,536
- No, Vic, come on.
- I've never been prouder of myself.

1188
01:18:18,644 --> 01:18:19,914
Or...

1189
01:18:21,313 --> 01:18:24,407
of any girl that I 
have ever coached.

1190
01:18:24,717 --> 01:18:26,804
You are truly unique.

1191
01:18:27,748 --> 01:18:29,334
If I ever had a daughter...

1192
01:18:29,489 --> 01:18:34,133
I imagine that she would be...
something like you.

1193
01:18:35,651 --> 01:18:37,934
Which is perhaps why
I've never reproduced.

1194
01:18:39,733 --> 01:18:43,097
Okay, Vic, look. I have a really strong feeling
that somethin's gonna happen to these girls.

1195
01:18:43,138 --> 01:18:45,816
- You need to stay for me. Please, please.
- I... I can't.

1196
01:18:46,808 --> 01:18:50,423
But I can leave you this.
I was saving it for tonight.

1197
01:18:50,458 --> 01:18:53,071
It's your size, I believe.

1198
01:18:53,203 --> 01:18:55,350
Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.

1199
01:19:00,658 --> 01:19:02,581
It's been a privilege.

1200
01:19:20,474 --> 01:19:21,247
<i>Ten minutes, ladies.</i>

1201
01:19:21,247 --> 01:19:22,976
What, no insults today?

1202
01:19:23,688 --> 01:19:25,996
- You're a Don Ho.
- Has anyone seen Gracie?

1203
01:19:25,996 --> 01:19:28,210
I can't believe she 
missed dress rehearsal.

1204
01:19:28,437 --> 01:19:32,189
Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
She ate four slices last night.

1205
01:19:32,226 --> 01:19:34,421
We all saw her 
glasses performance.

1206
01:19:34,775 --> 01:19:38,173
She is not making the top 10.
Oh, hi.

1207
01:19:38,233 --> 01:19:41,811
- I, uh, overslept my beauty sleep.
- Gracie, do you need help?

1208
01:19:42,104 --> 01:19:44,208
No, I'm fine. It all got okay.

1209
01:19:44,208 --> 01:19:45,702
I wonder which one of these...

1210
01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:48,621
- ... is, uh, lipstick.
- Oh.

1211
01:19:51,047 --> 01:19:52,317
Ladies!

1212
01:20:15,175 --> 01:20:16,737
Good luck, ladies!
Keep it movin'.

1213
01:20:16,737 --> 01:20:18,133
C'mon, c'mon, let's go!

1214
01:20:18,445 --> 01:20:19,434
Looking good, ladies.

1215
01:20:19,480 --> 01:20:21,846
You do me a favor. Will you 
please go back to the mothership?

1216
01:20:21,883 --> 01:20:23,441
As long as you go 
with me, Tex-Ass.

1217
01:20:24,159 --> 01:20:27,788
Let's go! Pennsylvania, New Jersey,
Texas, let's go! C'mon, Nebraska. Guys..

1218
01:20:27,923 --> 01:20:30,016
I can't open the goddamn bottle.

1219
01:20:31,360 --> 01:20:33,385
Let's go, have a good show.
You guys excited?

1220
01:20:35,462 --> 01:20:36,586
Get it.

1221
01:20:37,070 --> 01:20:39,905
Have a good show, all right?
You guys, have a good one.

1222
01:20:40,468 --> 01:20:42,261
- Yeah, you ready?
- Gracie, where are you going?

1223
01:20:42,261 --> 01:20:44,389
I forgot my breasts.
Hold on, I'll be back.

1224
01:20:50,248 --> 01:20:51,625
Going live...

1225
01:20:51,950 --> 01:20:54,680
In five... four... three...

1226
01:20:55,154 --> 01:20:55,631
Keep 'er up.

1227
01:20:55,631 --> 01:20:58,621
<I>It's the 75th Annual
Miss United States Pageant

1228
01:20:58,621 --> 01:21:01,428
<i>live from San Antonio, Texas!</i>

1229
01:21:01,428 --> 01:21:02,360
Music too.

1230
01:21:13,608 --> 01:21:16,348
Oh, good you're using that one
cause that's the one I use at home.

1231
01:21:16,349 --> 01:21:18,715
That's great, let's go,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

1232
01:21:21,011 --> 01:21:22,336
Let's go, let's go!

1233
01:23:11,441 --> 01:23:14,878
And your host for the evening,
Stan Fields!

1234
01:23:14,878 --> 01:23:17,438
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!

1235
01:23:17,481 --> 01:23:22,527
And welcome to a night 
of beauty, talent and poise.

1236
01:23:22,562 --> 01:23:28,884
And I'm not just talkin' about 
my co-host, Kathy... Morningside!

1237
01:23:30,563 --> 01:23:33,448
- Hello, Kathy.
- Stan, you charmer.

1238
01:23:33,448 --> 01:23:36,934
But you forgot to mention
"incredible intelligence".

1239
01:23:36,970 --> 01:23:40,270
That was incredibly stupid of me.
How can I make it up?

1240
01:23:40,273 --> 01:23:43,004
By helping me to announce
the top 10 finalists

1241
01:23:43,004 --> 01:23:47,237
chosen based on their performance
during the preliminaries this past week.

1242
01:23:47,272 --> 01:23:50,075
- And here's the envelope.
- Thank you, Scott.

1243
01:23:50,117 --> 01:23:51,641
Ladies, hold your breath.

1244
01:23:54,789 --> 01:23:56,484
Hawaii!

1245
01:23:56,524 --> 01:23:57,513
Follow her.

1246
01:23:57,560 --> 01:23:59,494
Beautiful.
Come in for that reaction.

1247
01:23:59,527 --> 01:24:01,042
Roll again.

1248
01:24:01,330 --> 01:24:03,361
- Go to two.
- Going to two.

1249
01:24:03,466 --> 01:24:04,763
California!

1250
01:24:07,237 --> 01:24:08,397
New York!

1251
01:24:11,843 --> 01:24:12,935
Alaska!

1252
01:24:15,781 --> 01:24:18,686
Texaaas!

1253
01:24:24,957 --> 01:24:27,504
New Jersey!

1254
01:24:31,932 --> 01:24:33,126
Oh, shit!

1255
01:24:34,267 --> 01:24:35,734
Oh, that was graceful.

1256
01:24:35,770 --> 01:24:37,328
Oh, that must have hurt.

1257
01:24:37,638 --> 01:24:39,731
But she's up and at it.

1258
01:24:46,181 --> 01:24:49,639
And last but not least,
Rhode Island.

1259
01:24:54,158 --> 01:24:58,356
And there they are!
This year's top 10 finalists.

1260
01:25:00,764 --> 01:25:03,130
Well, the top 10 
have been chosen.

1261
01:25:03,167 --> 01:25:06,897
And we'll be right back with
tonight's swimsuit competition.

1262
01:25:13,779 --> 01:25:15,974
I checked out Kathy Morningside
again like you had asked.

1263
01:25:16,015 --> 01:25:16,983
Yeah, anything?

1264
01:25:16,983 --> 01:25:19,973
Not even a traffic ticket.
Model citizen.

1265
01:25:20,008 --> 01:25:22,477
Beauty contestant, 
pageant director...

1266
01:25:22,522 --> 01:25:23,420
loving mom...

1267
01:25:23,489 --> 01:25:25,853
- But she's married?
- Widow. One son.

1268
01:25:25,959 --> 01:25:29,224
A sniveling, obsequious 
weasel of a human being.

1269
01:25:30,131 --> 01:25:32,767
- You know her son?
- So do you. It's Frank.

1270
01:25:33,262 --> 01:25:36,430
- Frank. Her assistant Frank?
- Asshole Frank?

1271
01:25:36,438 --> 01:25:37,462
One and the same.

1272
01:25:37,506 --> 01:25:39,030
That's weird.
She never mentioned anything.

1273
01:25:39,074 --> 01:25:42,309
- Anything come up on the CCH?
- Nothing on Frank Tobin.

1274
01:25:42,344 --> 01:25:43,523
But there wouldn't be,
would there?

1275
01:25:43,558 --> 01:25:44,672
His name is Morningside.

1276
01:25:44,714 --> 01:25:47,183
He changed it to cover 
his many indiscretions.

1277
01:25:48,452 --> 01:25:50,293
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How do you know that?

1278
01:25:50,986 --> 01:25:53,534
I have been around this 
pageant for many years.

1279
01:25:53,569 --> 01:25:57,594
I could shock you... with the
intimate details I'm privy to.

1280
01:26:14,133 --> 01:26:15,650
Good job! Good job!

1281
01:26:16,098 --> 01:26:17,093
Keep going, everybody.

1282
01:26:18,280 --> 01:26:19,361
Keep moving.

1283
01:26:22,977 --> 01:26:25,533
- Hey! Hey! I got you somethin'.
- What?

1284
01:26:26,605 --> 01:26:29,753
Oh!... Oh... But I couldn't...

1285
01:26:29,788 --> 01:26:32,741
I know you can. You ate pizza,
you stole panties, you're a wild woman.

1286
01:26:32,968 --> 01:26:34,765
We worked on this, remember?

1287
01:26:35,438 --> 01:26:36,416
You're gonna be great.

1288
01:26:44,081 --> 01:26:46,081
- Can I see your ticket?
- Federal officer.

1289
01:26:47,251 --> 01:26:48,193
I'm with him.

1290
01:27:21,123 --> 01:27:24,087
Gentlemen, you can't go in...
Oh, Victor!

1291
01:27:25,160 --> 01:27:26,184
He's with me.

1292
01:27:27,887 --> 01:27:29,893
Wait a minute. I'm not "with 'im" 
with 'im. It's nothin' like that.

1293
01:27:30,337 --> 01:27:31,802
Come on, muffin.

1294
01:27:45,850 --> 01:27:49,078
Thank you!
She certainly lit my fire.

1295
01:27:51,223 --> 01:27:53,231
Now you can wear 
Satan's panties!

1296
01:27:53,526 --> 01:27:54,959
Oh, my God.

1297
01:27:56,277 --> 01:27:57,071
I gotta go on!

1298
01:28:03,167 --> 01:28:05,036
- Hey, Hart.
- What are you doin' here?

1299
01:28:05,036 --> 01:28:06,497
Listen to me. I think
you might have been right.

1300
01:28:06,542 --> 01:28:08,874
Frank is Kathy 
Morningside's son.

1301
01:28:08,911 --> 01:28:11,794
- Frank? What, disgusting, perverted Frank?
- He cleared under another name.

1302
01:28:11,794 --> 01:28:15,858
I ran a new CCH. Got a wrapsheet.
DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.

1303
01:28:15,858 --> 01:28:17,014
We doin' full deployment?
What are we doin'?

1304
01:28:17,053 --> 01:28:20,310
McDonald didn't wanna hear about this.
It's just us. We gotta go find Frank.

1305
01:28:23,460 --> 01:28:25,155
Good show, Mr. Tobin.

1306
01:28:26,569 --> 01:28:27,576
<i>Get ready.</i>

1307
01:28:33,234 --> 01:28:35,373
Oh, here you are!
You're up next, New Jersey.

1308
01:28:35,373 --> 01:28:36,659
I gotta get my glasses.

1309
01:28:37,638 --> 01:28:40,346
Hey! hey, hey, hey! What're you 
doin'? You're drinkin' my talent!

1310
01:28:40,346 --> 01:28:41,176
I'm sorry.

1311
01:28:41,214 --> 01:28:43,161
What're you gonna do?
You gotta make it into the top five.

1312
01:28:43,516 --> 01:28:45,116
- Can you whistle?
- No!

1313
01:28:45,218 --> 01:28:46,966
- Make hand puppets?
- No!

1314
01:28:47,661 --> 01:28:49,751
I once had a girl
who rearranged furniture.

1315
01:28:49,790 --> 01:28:52,384
No! You said that all I have
is sarcasm and a gun.

1316
01:28:52,426 --> 01:28:53,893
Yeah, that and a right hook.

1317
01:28:55,063 --> 01:28:55,995
And now...

1318
01:28:56,030 --> 01:29:00,160
the musical stylings of
Gracie Lou Freebush.

1319
01:29:04,505 --> 01:29:05,529
Good evening.

1320
01:29:05,574 --> 01:29:08,808
I know the, uh, program says I'm 
supposed to play the water glasses for you

1321
01:29:08,808 --> 01:29:11,646
but, uh, some o' the 
girls got dehydrated.

1322
01:29:12,782 --> 01:29:14,230
No water glasses?

1323
01:29:14,951 --> 01:29:18,210
- Wanna go to a commercial?
- No, no, no, no, no. Why... Just s-stay on 'er.

1324
01:29:18,691 --> 01:29:19,484
Go with it.

1325
01:29:19,523 --> 01:29:23,989
And I believe that no woman should be
without at least a basic knowledge of-of self-defense.

1326
01:29:23,989 --> 01:29:28,706
So, uh, in order to show you this, 
um, I'm gonna need a little help.

1327
01:29:28,867 --> 01:29:31,394
And I-I would like to 
bring out my assistant...

1328
01:29:31,704 --> 01:29:33,181
Eric Bob.

1329
01:29:36,409 --> 01:29:37,929
More changes?

1330
01:29:38,111 --> 01:29:39,772
All right, just follow 'er.
Stay on 'er.

1331
01:29:39,813 --> 01:29:42,979
<i>... to inflict maximum damage, uh,
with the least amount of force.</i>

1332
01:29:43,450 --> 01:29:49,312
Okay, now. In, uh, some cases, your attacker 
might come at you in a, uh, uh, frontal assault.

1333
01:29:55,130 --> 01:29:57,499
Use the heel of your hand
and thrust it upward.

1334
01:29:57,499 --> 01:30:00,696
This will cause the nose to break
and your assailant's eyes to tear...

1335
01:30:00,736 --> 01:30:02,829
giving you a chance to get away.

1336
01:30:02,872 --> 01:30:07,226
All right. Let's say your assailant
comes at you from behind.

1337
01:30:12,382 --> 01:30:13,781
Attack me!

1338
01:30:15,081 --> 01:30:18,914
Aw! Little Eric looks 
a little scared.

1339
01:30:21,693 --> 01:30:24,787
Maybe he needs
a little bit of applause.

1340
01:30:40,548 --> 01:30:42,675
Ouch! She's kickin' his ass,
look at this!

1341
01:30:44,753 --> 01:30:48,741
- Tomorow you'll be the best queen ever.
- Thank you, that's so sweet.

1342
01:30:49,191 --> 01:30:52,799
Ladies, give Lori some room 
to breathe. Go on, now.

1343
01:30:53,730 --> 01:30:54,958
You need some powder.

1344
01:30:55,398 --> 01:30:57,568
Lori, you don't have
to hold that crown all night.

1345
01:30:57,568 --> 01:30:58,422
- Oh, my God.
- It's ok.

1346
01:30:58,422 --> 01:31:01,251
That is disgraceful.
Frank!

1347
01:31:01,604 --> 01:31:04,679
Frank, take this to the prop master.
See if you can't get it to really shine.

1348
01:31:04,679 --> 01:31:09,055
Now, if all else fails, go for the 
four sensitive areas of the body.

1349
01:31:09,214 --> 01:31:13,309
But just remember 
to "sing". "S-I-N-G."

1350
01:31:17,089 --> 01:31:20,940
Solar plexus, instep, nose, groin!

1351
01:31:31,037 --> 01:31:32,438
All right, cue Stan.

1352
01:31:33,950 --> 01:31:37,469
Whoa! Welcome to 
the Garden State!

1353
01:31:37,646 --> 01:31:42,918
When we return, we'll find out
just who those lucky final five are.

1354
01:31:45,287 --> 01:31:48,549
- All right, let's go find Frank.
- Okay, uh, you take the stage left. I'll take this side.

1355
01:31:48,591 --> 01:31:50,702
No, no, no. Evening gown. Now.

1356
01:31:59,170 --> 01:32:01,573
<i>Ladies! In one moment, 
five of you...</i>

1357
01:32:01,573 --> 01:32:04,508
<i>will be one step 
closer to the crown.</i>

1358
01:32:05,545 --> 01:32:08,207
And... one of those five...

1359
01:32:08,247 --> 01:32:09,771
is...

1360
01:32:12,386 --> 01:32:14,010
California!

1361
01:32:16,290 --> 01:32:18,019
Leslie Williams is 
a music major.

1362
01:32:18,058 --> 01:32:20,194
She believes in
the healing power of music.

1363
01:32:20,194 --> 01:32:21,525
Loves opera, reggae...

1364
01:32:21,562 --> 01:32:24,030
and, like any true 
California girl.

1365
01:32:24,065 --> 01:32:25,362
the Beach Boys.

1366
01:32:27,168 --> 01:32:29,225
Rhode Island!

1367
01:32:29,905 --> 01:32:32,066
Cheryl Frasier is
a science major.

1368
01:32:32,107 --> 01:32:36,976
Her field is nuclear fission with
a minor in elementary particles.

1369
01:32:39,149 --> 01:32:40,896
Nebraska!

1370
01:32:41,518 --> 01:32:45,496
For Kelly Beth Kelly,
all the world's a stage.

1371
01:32:45,523 --> 01:32:47,115
A theater major...

1372
01:32:47,158 --> 01:32:51,336
she helps run a drama program
for underprivileged children.

1373
01:32:52,030 --> 01:32:54,328
New Jersey!

1374
01:32:54,833 --> 01:32:58,735
Gracie Lou Freebush hopes 
to become a pediatrician.

1375
01:32:58,770 --> 01:33:01,264
Gracie, it's you. Go!

1376
01:33:01,508 --> 01:33:05,444
Her hobbies include
figure skating, water ballet,

1377
01:33:05,479 --> 01:33:09,848
and taking long, 
luxurious bubble baths.

1378
01:33:10,851 --> 01:33:12,648
You go, Gracie Lou.

1379
01:33:13,220 --> 01:33:18,113
And our fifth finalist. Texas!

1380
01:33:18,593 --> 01:33:20,561
Mary Jo Wright is a 
psychology major.

1381
01:33:20,730 --> 01:33:23,431
In her spare time, she 
works in a homeless shelter

1382
01:33:23,431 --> 01:33:26,943
and eats as much Mexican 
food as she can get.

1383
01:33:28,237 --> 01:33:32,153
Thank you, ladies.
You were magnificent.

1384
01:33:37,214 --> 01:33:39,580
I just wanna let all the 
lesbians out there know...

1385
01:33:39,617 --> 01:33:42,017
if I can make it to the 
top 10, so can you!

1386
01:33:42,053 --> 01:33:44,078
Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!

1387
01:33:44,556 --> 01:33:46,970
Get her off of there!
Go to Stan!

1388
01:33:47,587 --> 01:33:50,257
Let go!
Tina, I love you, baby!

1389
01:33:51,305 --> 01:33:52,457
I love you, Karen!

1390
01:33:52,665 --> 01:33:54,983
Tina, I love you.

1391
01:33:57,671 --> 01:34:02,247
And we'll be right back with 
our final five lesbians... interviews.

1392
01:34:02,751 --> 01:34:05,770
Bumper. Commercial.
Can we say "lesbians"?

1393
01:34:05,913 --> 01:34:07,073
You got a problem with that?

1394
01:34:08,282 --> 01:34:12,378
In a way...
America is like a big ship.

1395
01:34:12,421 --> 01:34:15,857
And when we work together
and respect each other,

1396
01:34:15,857 --> 01:34:18,883
that's when the ship 
gets safely home.

1397
01:34:19,529 --> 01:34:21,156
Terrific answer.

1398
01:34:21,765 --> 01:34:23,062
Damn it.

1399
01:34:25,402 --> 01:34:27,131
<i>New Jersey.</i>

1400
01:34:27,170 --> 01:34:31,937
As you may know, there are many who 
consider the Miss United States pageant

1401
01:34:31,977 --> 01:34:35,538
to be... outdated and antifeminist.

1402
01:34:35,580 --> 01:34:38,598
- What would you say to them?
- Oh, my God.

1403
01:34:38,817 --> 01:34:42,741
Well, I would have to say,
I used to be one of them.

1404
01:34:44,590 --> 01:34:47,388
<i>And then I came here...</i>

1405
01:34:47,427 --> 01:34:53,618
<i>and I realized that these women
are... smart, terrific people,</i>

1406
01:34:53,767 --> 01:34:58,415
<i>who are just... tryin' to 
make a difference in the world.</i>

1407
01:34:59,573 --> 01:35:02,034
<i>And we've become 
really good friends.</i>

1408
01:35:02,999 --> 01:35:07,831
I mean, I-I know we all secretly hope the 
other one will trip and-and fall on her face, but...

1409
01:35:08,110 --> 01:35:10,793
Ah, wait a minute!
I've already done that!

1410
01:35:16,392 --> 01:35:20,152
And for me, this experience has been
one of the most rewarding and...

1411
01:35:21,399 --> 01:35:24,849
liberating experiences of my life.

1412
01:35:27,204 --> 01:35:30,528
My God. I did it.

1413
01:35:34,136 --> 01:35:35,676
And if anyone...

1414
01:35:35,715 --> 01:35:37,161
anyone...

1415
01:35:37,517 --> 01:35:42,131
tries to hurt one of my new 
friends, I would take them out.

1416
01:35:42,661 --> 01:35:44,658
I would make them suffer so much,
they'd wish they were never born.

1417
01:35:46,760 --> 01:35:48,293
And if they ran...

1418
01:35:48,463 --> 01:35:50,713
I would hunt them down.

1419
01:35:54,602 --> 01:35:56,263
Thank you, Kathy.

1420
01:36:00,876 --> 01:36:05,056
A brief, shining moment,
and then that mouth.

1421
01:36:06,649 --> 01:36:08,378
Helps if you pull it out.

1422
01:36:08,418 --> 01:36:09,612
I can't believe.

1423
01:36:10,087 --> 01:36:11,486
Good luck, ladies.

1424
01:36:12,230 --> 01:36:14,483
Where's the crown?
Oh, I wanted to rub it for good luck.

1425
01:36:14,483 --> 01:36:15,921
Well, Frank took it
to get it polished.

1426
01:36:15,960 --> 01:36:18,885
But don't worry, I'll have it by 
the time they announce the winner.

1427
01:36:19,242 --> 01:36:22,103
- Let's go, ladies. You're on.
- Oh, my God! It's... it's the crown!

1428
01:36:22,103 --> 01:36:24,501
Yes, it is. You can taste it now...

1429
01:36:24,536 --> 01:36:25,698
No, no, no, no, no, no!

1430
01:36:25,739 --> 01:36:26,330
Let's go, let's go.

1431
01:36:26,372 --> 01:36:27,973
It's Texas, and Rhode Island...

1432
01:36:27,973 --> 01:36:29,440
and... New Jersey. Let's go.

1433
01:36:29,476 --> 01:36:31,830
- Not the...
- In order, please. Let's go. Come on.

1434
01:36:32,935 --> 01:36:33,477
Finale positions.

1435
01:36:33,513 --> 01:36:34,377
In the crown.

1436
01:36:34,753 --> 01:36:39,716
Yes. Wear the crown.
Be the crown. You are the crown.

1437
01:36:44,693 --> 01:36:50,789
<i>And now, the moment 
of truth and beauty.</i>

1438
01:36:51,233 --> 01:36:53,125
The envelope, please.

1439
01:37:06,575 --> 01:37:07,444
What?

1440
01:37:08,386 --> 01:37:10,055
A lot of tension.

1441
01:37:10,388 --> 01:37:12,325
The fourth runner-up is...

1442
01:37:12,991 --> 01:37:14,485
California!

1443
01:37:22,668 --> 01:37:24,784
The third runner-up is...

1444
01:37:26,873 --> 01:37:28,841
Nebraska!

1445
01:37:36,418 --> 01:37:37,784
- Am I in danger here?
- You wait here.

1446
01:37:37,784 --> 01:37:40,314
The second runner-up is...

1447
01:37:40,522 --> 01:37:42,114
Texas!

1448
01:37:56,540 --> 01:37:58,028
Drop it!

1449
01:37:58,075 --> 01:37:59,736
I mean it! Drop it!

1450
01:38:00,044 --> 01:38:02,514
This is it. The moment.

1451
01:38:02,514 --> 01:38:06,927
One of these two ladies
will wear the crown.

1452
01:38:07,552 --> 01:38:09,194
Listen to me! Listen to me!

1453
01:38:09,721 --> 01:38:12,155
I'm gonna reach for my badge, right?
I'm gonna reach real slow.

1454
01:38:12,191 --> 01:38:13,886
You do, and you're dead.

1455
01:38:16,263 --> 01:38:17,508
The first runner-up...

1456
01:38:17,965 --> 01:38:20,900
who will have to take the winner's 
place if, for any reason...

1457
01:38:20,935 --> 01:38:23,470
she cannot fulfill 
her duties is...

1458
01:38:25,239 --> 01:38:26,374
New Jersey! Which means

1459
01:38:26,374 --> 01:38:28,968
our new Miss United States is:

1460
01:38:29,010 --> 01:38:29,999
Don't take the crown.

1461
01:38:30,044 --> 01:38:31,602
Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!

1462
01:38:32,047 --> 01:38:36,074
Don't take the... don't take 
the crown. Trust me.

1463
01:38:43,093 --> 01:38:47,803
She's beauty and she's grace.
She's queen of 50 states.

1464
01:38:47,932 --> 01:38:53,492
She's elegance and taste.
She's Miss United States.

1465
01:38:53,805 --> 01:38:58,357
Hold your crown up... high.

1466
01:38:59,778 --> 01:39:03,547
Go ahead, hold your 
crown... up high.

1467
01:39:04,417 --> 01:39:07,404
Raise it to the sky.

1468
01:39:08,622 --> 01:39:10,116
Jersey's gone berserk!

1469
01:39:10,556 --> 01:39:12,078
<i>Get her off the stage!</i>

1470
01:39:13,527 --> 01:39:17,087
Hold your crown up high.

1471
01:39:17,933 --> 01:39:22,071
Raise it to the sky.

1472
01:39:22,537 --> 01:39:26,239
Hold your crown up high.

1473
01:39:32,581 --> 01:39:35,160
She stands for all that's good.

1474
01:39:35,552 --> 01:39:38,153
She loves her neighborhood.

1475
01:39:38,690 --> 01:39:42,962
She's friends with 
everyone she meets.

1476
01:39:43,743 --> 01:39:47,405
Ohh, she's beauty 
and she's grace,

1477
01:39:47,832 --> 01:39:51,131
She's... queen of 50 states.

1478
01:39:51,170 --> 01:39:54,307
She's... elegance and taste.

1479
01:39:54,307 --> 01:39:58,175
She's Miss United States.

1480
01:39:58,211 --> 01:40:00,145
Hold your crown up high.

1481
01:40:00,180 --> 01:40:01,511
Gracie!

1482
01:40:01,548 --> 01:40:05,253
Hold your crown up high.

1483
01:40:06,220 --> 01:40:09,519
Yes, raise it to...

1484
01:40:25,241 --> 01:40:29,026
She's Miss United States.

1485
01:40:30,647 --> 01:40:31,695
Okay.

1486
01:40:33,385 --> 01:40:35,492
Good show, everybody.

1487
01:40:36,388 --> 01:40:38,842
- I was right in the middle of my song!
- There she is!

1488
01:40:43,028 --> 01:40:45,664
You people got nothing on me.
This is ridiculous.

1489
01:40:45,664 --> 01:40:46,926
Don't worry, Miss Morningside.

1490
01:40:46,966 --> 01:40:49,171
I'm sure where where you're goin',
they'd love to meet a former beauty queen.

1491
01:40:49,171 --> 01:40:52,063
You should know, when he 
says meet, he means M-E-A-T.

1492
01:40:54,207 --> 01:40:55,765
Miss Hart,
you don't understand.

1493
01:40:55,809 --> 01:40:59,647
All I'm guilty of is trying to make 
the world a more beautiful place.

1494
01:40:59,647 --> 01:41:01,066
Look at yourself.

1495
01:41:01,082 --> 01:41:04,205
Why, when I met you, Dennis 
Rodman looked better in a dress.

1496
01:41:04,205 --> 01:41:06,870
But... but now you're a lady!
I did that!

1497
01:41:07,214 --> 01:41:10,666
No, Vic did that and a team of
highly specialized federal manicurists,

1498
01:41:10,774 --> 01:41:14,198
some people that make you,
you know, like... beautiful.

1499
01:41:14,198 --> 01:41:15,824
You know what? You are 
under arrest. Get in the car.

1500
01:41:15,899 --> 01:41:17,958
No. You think you saved 
something tonight.

1501
01:41:18,001 --> 01:41:22,131
But all you did was to destroy the dream
of young women all over this country.

1502
01:41:22,173 --> 01:41:24,222
What, you think their 
dream is to get blown up?

1503
01:41:24,576 --> 01:41:26,737
You really got a good shot
at that insanity plea. Yeah.

1504
01:41:26,777 --> 01:41:28,244
Well, I earned it, honey!

1505
01:41:28,280 --> 01:41:31,628
Twenty-five years of bitching beauty 
queens and what do I get? Fired!

1506
01:41:31,683 --> 01:41:34,527
They steal my life, they 
steal my beauty pageant.

1507
01:41:34,527 --> 01:41:39,224
Hey! Hey! It is not a beauty pageant.
It is a scholarship program.

1508
01:41:39,224 --> 01:41:42,368
- Yeah, yeah.
- "Yes".

1509
01:41:47,957 --> 01:41:52,752
Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh? Huh?

1510
01:41:56,511 --> 01:42:01,386
- Get it? The Women's Correctional Facility...
- Hey... That was good work.

1511
01:42:04,453 --> 01:42:05,920
Right back at you.

1512
01:42:08,859 --> 01:42:13,952
So, uh, how's it feel? Throwing 
the rule book out of the window, eh?

1513
01:42:13,952 --> 01:42:15,411
- Pretty good, actually.
- Yeah.

1514
01:42:16,701 --> 01:42:18,464
Listen, I was thinkin', uh...

1515
01:42:18,503 --> 01:42:20,014
you know, when we get 
back to the city,

1516
01:42:20,138 --> 01:42:21,628
after we write up our reports...

1517
01:42:21,673 --> 01:42:23,558
you get all ugly again...

1518
01:42:23,909 --> 01:42:25,517
I don't know, maybe we could
have dinner, you know?

1519
01:42:26,278 --> 01:42:28,109
What? You, like,
askin' me out on a date?

1520
01:42:28,148 --> 01:42:31,014
- No. Just a casual dinner.
- Huh.

1521
01:42:31,484 --> 01:42:33,859
If we happen to have 
sex afterwards, so be it.

1522
01:42:37,757 --> 01:42:40,895
You think I'm gor-geous,

1523
01:42:40,895 --> 01:42:43,887
you wanna date me...

1524
01:42:43,932 --> 01:42:47,299
love me and marry me.

1525
01:42:58,047 --> 01:43:00,063
You gotta admit, a part 
o' you is gonna miss this.

1526
01:43:00,249 --> 01:43:02,535
I know I'm gonna miss the heels
cause they do somethin' for my posture.

1527
01:43:02,535 --> 01:43:04,881
And I'm suddenly very aware
and proud of my breasts.

1528
01:43:04,922 --> 01:43:05,690
Funny, me too.

1529
01:43:05,690 --> 01:43:07,453
Agent Matthews! Gracie!

1530
01:43:07,492 --> 01:43:11,274
Thank God you're still here. There's been
an emergency at the farewell breakfast.

1531
01:43:11,329 --> 01:43:14,594
Somebody's found some sort
of a... in-in.. an incendiary device.

1532
01:43:14,633 --> 01:43:16,179
Come on, quickly! Come on!

1533
01:43:17,369 --> 01:43:18,122
Excuse me. FBI.

1534
01:43:18,122 --> 01:43:21,362
She saved the pageant,
she saved our lives

1535
01:43:21,408 --> 01:43:23,190
and here she is!

1536
01:43:25,645 --> 01:43:26,643
- That's not gonna work for me.
- No...

1537
01:43:26,643 --> 01:43:29,249
No, no. No, no, no, no. no.
Cause I can't go up there.

1538
01:43:29,284 --> 01:43:31,208
It was totally his idea,
Gracie Lou.

1539
01:43:31,285 --> 01:43:34,050
You know, I'd never get you here unless 
you had the chance to shoot someone.

1540
01:43:34,050 --> 01:43:36,172
- You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.
- Go on.

1541
01:43:36,641 --> 01:43:38,926
Come one. Come on!

1542
01:43:42,432 --> 01:43:47,269
Ladies and gentlemen,
agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!

1543
01:43:50,073 --> 01:43:52,303
No, no, not so fast!

1544
01:43:52,342 --> 01:43:55,746
Because even though
you're a federal officer...

1545
01:43:55,746 --> 01:43:59,579
to us, you will always be
Gracie Lou Freebush.

1546
01:43:59,579 --> 01:44:04,349
The nicest, sweetest,
coolest girl at the pageant,

1547
01:44:04,349 --> 01:44:08,289
and this year's 
Miss Congeniality!

1548
01:44:24,412 --> 01:44:27,684
I, uh...
I-I-I don't know what to say.

1549
01:44:28,567 --> 01:44:30,946
Um... Except for, uh...

1550
01:44:31,719 --> 01:44:33,478
I can't wear this at work.

1551
01:44:35,124 --> 01:44:38,207
I... never thought anything like
this would ever happen to me.

1552
01:44:39,129 --> 01:44:40,994
I mean, I-I-I kind of 
hoped it wouldn't.

1553
01:44:41,031 --> 01:44:42,280
But now that it has...

1554
01:44:42,654 --> 01:44:44,712
uh... I just wanna 
say that, uh...

1555
01:44:45,168 --> 01:44:46,093
I'm very...

1556
01:44:47,351 --> 01:44:50,997
uh... very honored.

1557
01:44:52,243 --> 01:44:53,420
And...

1558
01:44:54,513 --> 01:44:55,753
moved.

1559
01:44:56,180 --> 01:44:57,444
And...

1560
01:44:59,986 --> 01:45:01,729
truly touched.

1561
01:45:05,291 --> 01:45:06,770
And...

1562
01:45:13,702 --> 01:45:16,325
I really do want world peace.

1563
01:45:17,305 --> 01:45:23,545
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