1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: Welcome to the Royal Albert Hall 4 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,480 for tonight's Royal Variety Performance. 5 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:38,960 His Majesty King Charles arrives 6 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,480 and is introduced to its chairman, Giles Cooper OBE, 7 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,960 and some of the stars of tonight's show. 8 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,960 Unfortunately, the Queen was unwell, 9 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,960 and so unable to join His Majesty for this performance. 10 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,480 We hope Her Majesty is now fully recovered. 11 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,960 FANFARE 12 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:28,960 # God save our gracious King 13 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:34,960 # Long live our noble King 14 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,800 # God save the King 15 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:45,960 # Send him victorious 16 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,960 # Happy and glorious 17 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:57,960 # Long to reign over us 18 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:06,480 # God save the King. # 19 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:12,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 20 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,480 Please welcome your hosts for this evening, 21 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,960 Alan Carr and Amanda Holden. 22 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:22,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 23 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,640 Oh, wow! Oh, my goodness. 24 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:31,960 Good evening. 25 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,960 And welcome to the Royal Variety Performance 2024. 26 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! 27 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,960 Wonderful, thank you. 28 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960 We should probably stop holding hands now. 29 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960 People will think you're my carer. Oh, yeah. 30 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960 LAUGHTER Or worse, that we're the winners 31 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,960 of a very disappointing series of Love Island. 32 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,640 Oh, Amanda, you're so not my type on paper. 33 00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,960 LAUGHTER Or real life. 34 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,960 LAUGHTER 35 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,960 He liked that. You liked that, didn't you? 36 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:05,960 LAUGHTER 37 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,640 But, can I say, your dress looks absolutely fabulous. 38 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,960 Thank you, Alan, thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 39 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,960 Just on the right side of an Ofcom complaint. 40 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,960 That's disappointing. Disappointing. 41 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,960 But once again, Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen, 42 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:25,640 welcome to the Royal Variety Performance 2024. 43 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:26,960 Oh, I know. APPLAUSE 44 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960 This is so exciting. 45 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,960 And, Amanda, can I say, 46 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,960 I feel a great sense of comfort and security 47 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,800 sharing a stage with you tonight. 48 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,960 Oh, Alan, thank you. 49 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,640 Well, it's a high-profile event, 50 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,480 and if Just Stop Oil come at the stage with their orange powder, 51 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,960 I can use you as a beautiful human shield. 52 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960 LAUGHTER 53 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:47,960 Well, good luck to them, 54 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,960 cos I'll be their first victim who ended up less orange. 55 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,480 LAUGHTER 56 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,160 So, what about us being here tonight? 57 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,960 From going round Europe 58 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,960 renovating houses we've bought for a quid 59 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,960 to hosting the Royal Variety Performance. 60 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,800 For a quid. LAUGHTER 61 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,960 Oh, it's good for you, Alan, cos you really needed cheering up, 62 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,960 didn't you, after the disappointment of not getting that role 63 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,800 of Rupert Campbell-Black in Rivals? 64 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,640 LAUGHTER 65 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,960 Don't, it's too soon, too soon. 66 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,960 My agent sent the casting director my photo, 67 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,960 suggesting I'd be perfect for the role of "showjumper" 68 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960 and most handsome man in England. 69 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,640 Yeah, and the casting director came back and said, 70 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,960 "With Alan's teeth, he'd be perfect to play the horse." 71 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960 So hurtful. 72 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,960 But anyway, onwards and upwards, I've got a very good feeling 73 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,800 about that other big TV job I'm up for. 74 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,960 Oh, my gosh, yes. I have got everything crossed. 75 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960 You are gonna be the perfect host for Match Of The Day (!) 76 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960 Wouldn't I? LAUGHTER 77 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960 I love crisps. I eat crisps. 78 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,960 Anyway, listen. LAUGHTER 79 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,960 Love a crisp. Love a crisp. 80 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,480 Enough about your career, we need to focus on tonight, Alan. 81 00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,960 We are a team. We are. 82 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,960 Though, if I'm honest, 83 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,960 I think the main reason they chose us to host this evening 84 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960 is because we ticked two big boxes. 85 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960 I'm gay, and you're... Old? 86 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960 LAUGHTER Oh, OK. 87 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,960 I was gonna say a woman. Oh. 88 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,960 But now you mention it, you are very old. 89 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,960 I'm not VERY... I'm only five years older than you! 90 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,640 Yeah, but that's the thing. I work in gay years. 91 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,960 LAUGHTER 92 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,960 So that five years is actually 35 years. 93 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,960 LAUGHTER In fact, in our world, 94 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,960 and I'm afraid I've got bad news for you, Amanda, 95 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960 you've just lost your winter heating allowance. 96 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,960 LAUGHTER 97 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,480 Outrageous, Alan Carr. Outrageous. Sorry. 98 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,640 The thing is, I think we have actually become 99 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,960 one of those TV married couples. 100 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:43,960 We have. 101 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960 Though, of course, when we're filming our show abroad, 102 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,960 the locals don't know it's just a TV marriage. 103 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,960 You've got Amanda sashaying into the hotel breakfast buffet 104 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960 with me mincing along at her side. 105 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960 And you see them shaking their sad heads, 106 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960 going, "Poor cow, it's always the wife who's last to know." 107 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960 LAUGHTER 108 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,960 So, shall we get this show on the road? Yes! 109 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 110 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,480 Time for the first act of the evening, and a high-speed, 111 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,960 high-energy race on roller skates from the all-new production 112 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,960 of Andrew Lloyd Webber's incredible Starlight Express. 113 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,960 And as a special treat for me and Amanda, 114 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,800 his Lordship has kindly granted us permission 115 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,160 to put on our own roller skates and join in. Hmm. 116 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,960 Yes. I'm not being funny, though, Alan. 117 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,960 Can you actually even roller skate? Can I roller skate? 118 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:35,960 I'll have you know 119 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,960 I was Margot Robbie's third reserve stunt double for Barbie. 120 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,960 LAUGHTER 121 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,960 Oh, my gosh, this feels like it's turning into an episode of Casualty. 122 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,960 Have some faith. Have some faith. 123 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,480 I'm off now to get into my train costume, see you in a bit. 124 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,800 CASUALTY THEME STARTS 125 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,960 LAUGHTER, MUSIC STOPS 126 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,160 Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen, 127 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,960 here to showcase their brand-new production 128 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,640 at the Troubadour Wembley Park Theatre, 129 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:04,960 it is the incredible cast of Starlight Express. 130 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 131 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,960 MUSIC: 'Overture/Entry of Trains' 132 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 133 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,960 # Diesel is for unbelievers... # 134 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:01,960 Whoo! 135 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,960 # Electricity is wrong... # Whoo! 136 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,320 # Steam has got the power That will pull us along 137 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:17,000 # There's a light At the end of the tunnel 138 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,960 # The inside might be As black as the night 139 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,960 # But there's a light At the end of the tunnel 140 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,960 # There's a light At the end of the tunnel 141 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,960 # The inside might be As black as the night 142 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,960 # But at the end of the tunnel 143 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,800 # There's a light There's a light 144 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,160 # It's the power of James Watt The steaming Scot 145 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,320 # The man who watched the pot 146 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,000 # And said "Hey, I've got a brilliant plot 147 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,960 # "When the steam is hot 148 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,960 # "Seems to make a lot of power" 149 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:55,960 # If he'd known back then Way back when 150 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,960 # There was hydrogen The gas that's our best friend 151 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,960 # And it still makes steam Choo-choo-choo 152 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,960 # With enough left over for a Whoo-whoo 153 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,160 # Still got steam Coming out of the funnel 154 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:15,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 155 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,640 # With this brand-new fuel The world can stay cool 156 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:27,640 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 157 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,960 # The inside might be As black as the night 158 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:32,960 # But at the end of the tunnel 159 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,800 # There's a light There's a light 160 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,800 # There are dark days ahead Where the power goes dead 161 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,480 # Where the oil runs dry Ooh, what can we try? 162 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,960 # The sun will shine 163 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,960 # On days when it's fine See those windmills go 164 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,960 # But it don't always blow, so 165 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,960 # Soon the pistons will be humming 166 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,960 # Steam will have a second coming Whoo 167 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 168 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,000 # At the end, yeah Sing it, sing it again 169 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 170 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,960 # Oh, yeah, yeah 171 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:11,960 # Oh-whoa-whoa 172 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:15,960 # With this brand-new fuel The world can stay cool 173 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 174 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,960 # Oh, I see that light 175 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 176 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960 # Goodbye to oil and coal 177 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960 # Let's rock and roll 178 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,960 # At the end of the tunnel There's a light 179 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 180 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960 # We see the light 181 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,960 # We see, we see the light 182 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,480 # When that Angel Gabriel Blows his magic toot 183 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 184 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,640 # Oh, I see the light 185 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,960 # We see the light At the end of the tunnel 186 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,960 # We see the distant gleam 187 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,000 # That tells you it's steam 188 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:04,960 # At the end of the tunnel 189 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,480 # There's a light 190 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,960 # Star 191 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:17,960 # Light. # 192 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 193 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES 194 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:46,320 CHEERING Whoo! Whoa! 195 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,960 I wanna say, "I'm like a Virgin... train." 196 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960 LAUGHTER 197 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:54,960 What a performance! 198 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,960 And I am delighted to welcome onto the stage 199 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,160 the genius behind the show, Andrew Lloyd Webber. 200 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 201 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,960 ANDREW: Hi, guys, well done. 202 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 203 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:14,960 Thank you. 204 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,960 Oh, my goodness, Andrew, welcome. Thank you. 205 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,000 I mean, if I hold your hand now, I'm not gonna let go. 206 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,960 LAUGHTER 207 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960 You must be so proud of this revival. 208 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,960 40 years since it first opened in London. 209 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960 It's all about getting kids into the theatre. 210 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,960 And I just want to ask the cast here, how many of you, 211 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,960 is it your first job ever on a West End stage? 212 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 213 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,960 What do you think makes this show so timeless, Andrew? 214 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,160 It's just great fun. 215 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,960 It's just a show that is about joy. 216 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,960 Absolutely. It's amazing. 217 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 218 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960 Well, congratulations to this entire cast, 219 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,320 and thank you so much for bringing the show 220 00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,960 to the Royal Albert Hall tonight. 221 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960 Thank you so much. Thank you so much. 222 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,960 Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 223 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,960 I've gotta say, I'm a little bit worried about Alan. 224 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960 He should've been here ages ago. 225 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,960 THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE THEME PLAYS 226 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 227 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,960 Help me. Help me. Are you all right? 228 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,160 Not really. Are you sort of...? 229 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,960 Erm, goodness me. 230 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,800 You're not Network Rail, are you? No! 231 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,960 LAUGHTER 232 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,960 It's terrifying. How do they do it? It's terrifying. 233 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:36,960 Have you got leaves on your line? 234 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,960 That's a very personal question. 235 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,640 LAUGHTER 236 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,320 Honestly, I've had a nightmare. 237 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,960 I could have screamed, but I was in the quiet carriage. 238 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960 LAUGHTER 239 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,160 Yeah, and then to cap it all off, 240 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,960 I ran into unscheduled engineering works 241 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:54,960 outside the royal box. 242 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960 Oh, my God. 243 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960 I was forced to continue my journey as... 244 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960 ..a replacement bus. 245 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,960 LAUGHTER 246 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,640 I don't do buses. Oh! 247 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,960 LAUGHTER 248 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,000 Thank you. Thank you so much. 249 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: Still to come, the legendary Sir Elton John, 250 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,960 astounding illusions from Stephen Mulhern, 251 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,960 disco queen Sophie Ellis-Bextor, 252 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,960 and Britain's Got Talent winner Sydnie Christmas. 253 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,320 APPLAUSE 254 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,960 Our next performer spread a lot of joy during the lockdown 255 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,960 with her regular kitchen discos. 256 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,960 Tonight, she's making her Royal Variety debut 257 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,960 on an ever so slightly bigger stage. 258 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,960 And there's not an air fryer in sight. 259 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,960 Singing a disco classic 260 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,960 plus her latest single, Freedom Of The Night, 261 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960 please welcome Sophie Ellis-Bextor! 262 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 263 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,800 SONG: 'Murder On The Dancefloor' 264 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,960 # Murder 265 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,960 # It's murder on the dance floor 266 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,640 # But you better not kill the groove 267 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,960 # DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down 268 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960 # Oh, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know 269 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:32,960 # About your kind, yes, I do 270 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,960 # And so, and so, and so, and so And so, and so, and so 271 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,960 # I'll have to play... # 272 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,960 Do the all-together for old times' sake. 273 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:48,320 # If you think you're getting away I will prove you wrong 274 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,960 # I'll take you all the way Boy, just come along 275 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,000 # Hear me when I say 276 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,960 # Hey 277 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,640 # It's murder on the dance floor 278 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,160 # But you better not kill the groove 279 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,960 # Hey-hey, hey-hey 280 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,960 # It's murder on the dance floor 281 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960 # But you better not steal the moves 282 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,960 # DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down 283 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,960 # Don't think you're getting away I will prove you wrong 284 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,960 # I'll take you all the way Boy, just come along 285 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960 # Hear me when I say 286 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960 # Hey 287 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,160 # It's murder on the dance floor 288 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,480 # But you better not Kill the groove... # 289 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,640 Let me see your hands, come on. 290 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:39,960 # It's murder on The dance floor... # 291 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960 AUDIENCE CLAPS That's it. 292 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,640 # But you better not steal the moves 293 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,960 # DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down 294 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960 # It's murder on the dance floor 295 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,960 # But you better not kill the groove 296 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,960 # Hey-hey, hey-hey 297 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,960 # It's murder on the dance floor 298 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960 # But you better not steal the moves 299 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960 # DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down 300 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,960 # Oh, oh... # 301 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,960 SONG: 'Freedom Of The Night' 302 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960 # Wake up 303 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:19,160 # Put on your confidence Like make-up 304 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,960 # Step through the mirror As the sun drops 305 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,960 # Kiss the lights goodbye, yeah 306 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,960 # I've heard dreams come true 307 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,960 # Come to the other side 308 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:39,960 # I can feel energy 309 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,960 # I believe it's healing me 310 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:46,960 # All I need is sweet release 311 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960 # In the freedom of the night 312 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,160 # Freedom of the night 313 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:55,000 # I can feel energy 314 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,960 # I believe it's healing me 315 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,960 # All I need is sweet release 316 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,960 # In the freedom of the night 317 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,960 # Freedom of the night 318 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:14,960 # Give in to what you want Give in to what you want 319 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,960 # All I need is sweet release 320 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,960 # In the freedom of the night 321 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960 # Freedom of the night 322 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,960 # When the moon is high I feel this way 323 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,480 # Getting what I need to rise again 324 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:37,960 # When the moon is high I rise again 325 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,960 GUITAR SOLO 326 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:57,160 # I can feel energy 327 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,960 # I believe it's healing me 328 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,960 # All I need is sweet release 329 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,480 # In the freedom of the night 330 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,960 # Freedom of the night. # 331 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 332 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,640 Time now to welcome an all-round entertainer 333 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,960 and a true master of magic, 334 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960 Stephen Mulhern! 335 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 336 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,960 Wow! 337 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,960 Wow. Hello! 338 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:38,960 How are you doing? 339 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,160 When you think some of the greatest performers of all time 340 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,480 have appeared here on the Royal Variety Show, 341 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,960 and now tonight, you've got me. 342 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,960 CHEERING I know. 343 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,960 Do you know what? 344 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,960 My true passion in entertainment has always been magic, 345 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,960 to be able to make people laugh, 346 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,960 and prove the impossible is possible. 347 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,960 For this moment, I need to be a tiny bit serious. 348 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,960 Because I need to show you this. 349 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,960 This here is a detonator. 350 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960 Now, let me tell you, 351 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:11,960 when you press this button here, it changes the entire show. 352 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960 It sets off fireworks. 353 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960 It changes the lighting. It changes the music. 354 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,000 So we need somebody very responsible to look after this. 355 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,480 Someone trustworthy. 356 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,960 Someone... Someone... Well, it's definitely not you, mate. 357 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960 LAUGHTER Now, look up here. 358 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,960 Look, lovely. You look beautiful. You look beautiful. 359 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,960 Do you know what? What's your name? Adam. 360 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,160 What is it? Adam. 361 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,960 Adam. Adam, yeah, you're the guy. 362 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,800 Adam, if at any moment 363 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,960 you see in my act something that you think is funny, 364 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960 I want you to press that red button. 365 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,960 And then the fireworks, the whole thing. 366 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960 We're gonna turn this show into party time. 367 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,640 Be very careful. Be very responsible. 368 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,960 But now, I did say about making the impossible possible. 369 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000 That's what we're gonna do right now. 370 00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,960 Now, what you're about to see is not a trick, it's an illusion. 371 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960 And it uses a newspaper. 372 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960 Now, they do say, 373 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:08,960 "Never believe everything you read in the newspaper." 374 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960 But trust me, believe that. 375 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:12,960 Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER 376 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960 Now, watch closely. 377 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,960 Remember, everything you see isn't actually happening. 378 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,960 Now, some people think 379 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,960 they can see me tear the newspaper in half. 380 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:25,960 But I don't. 381 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,960 It is just an illusion. 382 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,960 Some people think they can see me tearing the newspaper into strips. 383 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:36,960 But they can't. 384 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,960 Because it's just an illusion. 385 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,160 It's not actually happening. 386 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,480 Some people think they can see and hear me 387 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,960 tearing the newspaper into squares. 388 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,960 But they can't. 389 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,640 Because it's just an illusion. 390 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:54,960 LAUGHTER 391 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,960 And now it's my job as the magician 392 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,960 to put all the pieces back together again. 393 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,960 Watch. 394 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,960 HE BLOWS AIR SHARPLY 395 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,960 And now the newspaper is fully restored. 396 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:13,960 I thank you. 397 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,160 LAUGHTER 398 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,960 I thank you. 399 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,160 I thank you. 400 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:22,960 No, it really is, look. 401 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,320 All the pieces. AUDIENCE CHEERS 402 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:25,960 Piece by piece. 403 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,960 Bit by bit. 404 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,960 How does he do it? 405 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,160 Burn him! 406 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,960 Now, I know what you're thinking. 407 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,960 Why would I do such a small trick here 408 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,960 at the Royal Albert Hall, 409 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960 in front of millions of people watching at home? 410 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,960 Well, there's a reason I do this trick. 411 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,640 And I don't want to bring the atmosphere down, but... 412 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,960 my granddad, he taught me how to do this trick 413 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,640 when I was just 11 years old. 414 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,640 And sadly... 415 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,960 ..my granddad passed away two weeks ago. 416 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,960 LIVELY MUSIC, FIREWORKS EXPLODE 417 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,640 Stop this! 418 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,960 MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY, AUDIENCE LAUGHS 419 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,640 That was the wrong time, my friend! 420 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,960 What the hell were you thinking? 421 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,960 This is... Right, I tell you what, mate. 422 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,960 STEPHEN FEIGNS LAUGHTER Yeah, I tell you what. 423 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,960 Come with me. No, ser... Come with me. Get out. 424 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:30,960 Get out. 425 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,960 I'm not joking. Get out. And stay out. 426 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,960 Right, now, where was I? Alan! 427 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,800 Alan. Do you know what? 428 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,960 I'm not just gonna show you a trick. I'm gonna teach you it. 429 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:43,960 Ooh. Are you up for that? 430 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:44,960 Yes, I am. 431 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,960 Right. Come over this side. That's it. 432 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:53,960 This is the mystery of the vanishing orange juice trick. 433 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,960 Now, you're gonna love it. 434 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:56,960 OK. Two cups. 435 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,960 Watch. 436 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,480 Lovely, lovely orange. 437 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,960 Alan, hold the cup 438 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,960 like you're saying cheers to the audience. 439 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,960 OK. Cheers. Beautiful. 440 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,960 I, too, am gonna have some lovely, lovely orange. 441 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,960 Now, Alan, I'll do it first, then you do it. 442 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,960 Now place the cup above your head. Yeah? 443 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:19,960 That's it. 444 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,960 Now you need to do a little dance. 445 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:26,640 You go one, two, three, four. 446 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,960 Then you go one, two, three, four. Oh. 447 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:35,960 Then you close your eyes, and you slowly, slowly turn around. 448 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,960 It's gotta be really slow. 449 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,960 And then you face the audience, and you open your eyes. 450 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,960 Then the orange will have vanished. Above your head! 451 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960 OK, OK, all right. That's it. OK. 452 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,960 Four kicks. That's it, yeah. One, two, three, four. 453 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,640 Four. And gyrate. That's it. 454 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,480 People might think it's Magic Mike. 455 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:55,960 LAUGHTER 456 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,320 That's it. Beautifully done. 457 00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:59,960 Now you close your eyes. Close your eyes. 458 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,160 And slowly, slowly turn around. 459 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,960 That's it. 460 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,960 Are you sure? That's it. Perfect. 461 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:07,960 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 462 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,960 Now, I'll go first. 463 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,960 Watch the cup above your head. 464 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,320 You slowly turn it upside down. 465 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,960 And the orange has gone. CHEERING 466 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,960 I know! 467 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,000 No, I can't. STEPHEN CHUCKLES 468 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,000 Above your head. 469 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,960 No, no, listen, this has got to go back to Matalan. 470 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,960 LAUGHTER 471 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,480 I swear to you, just slowly, and then listen to the audience. 472 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,960 Have faith. Have faith. Have faith. 473 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,960 Oh, no! Keep going. Keep going. 474 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,960 No, no, no, no. Keep going. He's done it! 475 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:44,960 Come on! 476 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,960 How did you do that? 477 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,640 Do you know what? That was amazing. 478 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,960 It was so good, I think we should do another one. 479 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,960 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 480 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,960 You've messed with my head. That was weird. 481 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,960 That was like black magic. No, no, no. 482 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,480 That was like witchcraft. 483 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:05,960 Find yourself a witch. 484 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,960 Where do you want me? What? 485 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,960 Amanda. Yes. It's finale time. 486 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,960 And you are gonna love this. 487 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,320 Is it better than Alan's trick? Oh, yeah. Come around this side. 488 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,960 Oh. 489 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,160 I bet you wish this was you, Alan. LAUGHTER 490 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,960 SONG: 'Nothing Is As It Seems' 491 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,960 APPLAUSE 492 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,960 APPLAUSE 493 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 494 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:42,960 Ladies and gentlemen, 495 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,960 you have been one incredible audience. 496 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:51,960 But just before we go, one last thing. 497 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 498 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,960 That was for you, Dad. 499 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,960 Oh, wow. 500 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: Don't miss, making his Royal Variety debut, 501 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:22,960 James Bay, 502 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,960 a jaw-dropping performance from Cirque du Soleil, 503 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,480 and an incredible medley from Oliver! 504 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 505 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,320 It's ten years since this award-winning singer 506 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,960 first burst into the charts with his huge single Let It Go, 507 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,960 and he is still riding high. 508 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,960 This year, he won the BRIT Billion Award 509 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:56,960 in recognition of his 1 billion UK streams, 510 00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:00,320 and he has also been celebrating the success of his latest album, 511 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:01,960 Changes All The Time. 512 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,960 Here with the hit single Up All Night, 513 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,960 it's the fantastic James Bay. 514 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:10,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 515 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:18,960 # Started thinking Of me knocking around 516 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,960 # Call me out But don't leave the room 517 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:25,960 # Cos what I want And what I'm worried about came true 518 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,960 # Hold the mirror a little nearer 519 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,960 # And let me see the way I've been looking at you 520 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,960 # Cos what I want And what I worried about came true 521 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:40,320 # Let's talk about dreams Let's talk about lies 522 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:44,960 # Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night 523 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:50,960 # Let's talk about who Gotta talk about why 524 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,960 # Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night 525 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:59,960 # All night, up all night 526 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:04,960 # All night, up all night 527 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,960 # Always had an automatic Kind of panic 528 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,960 # That I can't stop buryin' down 529 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:14,960 # Talkin' sugars Till I eat myself alive 530 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:18,800 # I forgot what, what I wanted 531 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,960 # And the sun went down 532 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,000 # I forgot what, what I wanted 533 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,960 # Can I turn this, turn this round? 534 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:32,960 # Let's talk about dreams Let's talk about lies 535 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,960 # Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night 536 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:38,960 # What are they talkin' about? 537 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:43,960 # Let's talk about who Gotta talk about why 538 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,800 # Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night 539 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:52,960 # All night, up all night 540 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:57,960 # All night, up all night 541 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:03,960 # Na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na, na, na, na 542 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,960 # Na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na, na, na, na 543 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,960 # Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na Na, na, na 544 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:26,960 # Let's talk about dreams Let's talk about lies 545 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:32,640 # Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night 546 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:37,960 # Let's talk about who Gotta talk about why 547 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:43,320 # Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night. # 548 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 549 00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:01,000 Our next act has been described as comedy's best kept secret. 550 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,960 Well, not for much longer. 551 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:04,960 Admired by many comedians, 552 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:06,960 he was chosen by both Micky Flanagan 553 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:09,960 and Rob Brydon to support them on their nationwide tours. 554 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:14,640 And tonight, I'm delighted to say, he's been chosen to entertain you. 555 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:18,960 So, please give the warmest of welcomes to Mr Scott Bennett. 556 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:20,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 557 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,960 Oh, good evening, Royal Albert Hall, are we well? 558 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:32,960 ALL: Yes! Oh, this is absolutely wonderful. 559 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:33,960 What an honour this is, 560 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:35,960 and it's a real, real privilege to be here. 561 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:39,960 And you've managed to achieve what HS2 didn't. 562 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:42,160 You brought a Northerner into London. 563 00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:43,960 LAUGHTER 564 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,960 Yes, you see, it can be done. This is levelling up live. 565 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:50,960 It's a genuine pleasure to come and share some of my negative equity 566 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,960 with you tonight. 567 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,000 But my mum is very, very proud of me, obviously. 568 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,960 She said, "You doing the Royal Variety?" 569 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,320 I said, "I am." 570 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,160 She said, "Are you nervous?" I said, "I am, Mum." 571 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,960 She went, "Well, I would be." 572 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,960 And then she said, "But remember, remember, love. 573 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,960 "No-one's there to see you." LAUGHTER 574 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,960 My parents are amazing. They've got a wonderful energy. 575 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,960 Like my dad said to me the other day, 576 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:17,480 "They've cut the winter fuel allowance." 577 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,960 I said, "All right." He said, "Well, that's it now. 578 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:21,640 "We're gonna have to take to the streets. 579 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:22,960 "We're gonna have to riot." 580 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,960 You're 75, Dad. 581 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:25,960 You've got sciatica. 582 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,960 The other week, you came home from a garden centre 583 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,960 cos it was a bit too busy. 584 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,960 Good luck with the tear gas, Che Guevara. 585 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,000 Can't imagine my dad throwing a petrol bomb. 586 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:41,960 I really can't. £1.69 a litre. It's not happening. 587 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:43,800 LAUGHTER 588 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,960 I mean, you can't get pensioners to riot, can you? 589 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,640 What do we want? Can't remember! 590 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:50,960 LAUGHTER 591 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,640 When do we want it? Not during The Chase. 592 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:54,800 That is... 593 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,960 The Chase or Tipping Point, we don't leave the house. 594 00:33:58,960 --> 00:33:59,960 LAUGHTER 595 00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:01,960 It's so wonderful to be out. It really is. It's fantastic. 596 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,960 It's nice to be out on someone else's electric. 597 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,960 Just nice to be away 598 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,960 from the smart meter for a bit, isn't it? 599 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,640 I don't like that thing. 600 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:11,960 I don't know why I let it in my house. 601 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:14,960 It's not a smart meter. It's an anxiety portal. 602 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:17,960 It's like being mugged by your own house. 603 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,960 In real time, isn't it? 604 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:22,960 And you have to just stand and watch it, don't you? 605 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,960 We don't watch Netflix now. 606 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,960 We watch the smart meter. That's our night. 607 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:29,000 I get the kids around with snacks. 608 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,960 "Come on, children, look. 609 00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:34,960 "Look at the smart meter. Watch your inheritance evaporate. 610 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:38,960 "Do you want the lights on or a university education? 611 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,320 "Make the decision." 612 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:41,960 It's a striking situation 613 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,000 when my slow cooker is on a better hourly rate than I am. 614 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:46,320 That is... 615 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,800 LAUGHTER 616 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:50,960 Escapism's all we've got. And I've tried that. 617 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,960 I really have. I've really tried, you know, getting to nature. 618 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,160 That's what they say. 619 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:55,960 Recently, we went on a camping holiday. 620 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,640 Let me tell you something, London. 621 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,960 Those are two words that don't belong in the same sentence. 622 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:04,000 Because on the second day, I remember, I was laid in the tent, 623 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,960 and I thought, "I've got an house." 624 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:09,480 LAUGHTER 625 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,960 Took me two days to realise that as well. 626 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,960 I said to my wife, "We've got an house, love. 627 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:20,160 "Do you know that thing we left with running water 628 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,960 "and sanitation and food in the fridge?" 629 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,320 And I've looked at all that and gone, "No. 630 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:27,960 "For a holiday... 631 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,960 "..I'm gonna put myself in an emergency." 632 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:33,000 LAUGHTER 633 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:36,160 It's madness, innit? 634 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,960 Cos people say, "It's wonderful, you can hear the sounds of nature. 635 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:40,960 "You can hear birdsong. You can hear rivers." 636 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,960 You can't. Cos all camping is is endless nights 637 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:48,960 trapped in the middle of an orchestra of angry zips. 638 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:49,960 LAUGHTER 639 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:53,800 That's all I heard every single day. It never ends, does it? 640 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,480 You're trying to nod off, just... HE IMITATES A ZIP 641 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:05,480 It's three in the morning, 642 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:07,960 pitch black, you're desperate for the toilet. 643 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,960 And you're doing that... IMITATES A ZIP 644 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,960 And that's zip number one. 645 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,960 LAUGHTER Who looked at that and thought, 646 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,320 "Do you know what would improve this, mate? Three more zips. 647 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,320 "All going different directions." 648 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,960 And don't get me started on the people who do it slowly. 649 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:28,960 The slowly people. Have you heard these people? 650 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,320 They were next to us. Just takes hours to leave the tent. 651 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:33,960 It's just... IMITATES A SLOW UNZIP 652 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:35,960 LAUGHTER 653 00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:37,960 CONTINUES 654 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:43,640 We're all awake, just finish it! 655 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:45,960 I'll tell you, forget camping, 656 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,960 just book four nights inside your own puffer jacket. 657 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,960 It's the same thing. LAUGHTER 658 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,960 Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, we've booked again for next year. 659 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,960 But... LAUGHTER 660 00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:58,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 661 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,960 It's been an absolute joy to be here, it really has. 662 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,320 I think it's an absolute privilege. 663 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,960 And my kids have been so buzzing about this. 664 00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,960 My eldest daughter, she's 14. She said to me the other day, 665 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:16,960 she said, "I know what I want to be when I grow up, Daddy." 666 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,800 I was like, "Oh, yeah?" 667 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,000 She says, "I want to be an influencer." 668 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,960 "I know why you're saying that, but let me tell you, 669 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,960 "it's not real, that life, it's all fake, it's all a facade. 670 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,960 "And you do not want your entire self-esteem to be based 671 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:33,960 "on seeking the validation..." 672 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,960 LAUGHTER 673 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,800 "..and approval of strangers." 674 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,960 Because you'll find yourself at the Royal Albert Hall 675 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:42,960 doing one of the best gigs of your life. 676 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:46,960 You've been an absolute delight. Thank you so much. 677 00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,640 Thank you so much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 678 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:01,960 It's 40 years since Cirque du Soleil was born, 679 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:05,480 and since then, they have wowed over 400 million people 680 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,960 around the world. 681 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,160 Here at the Royal Variety, 682 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,640 we've been proud to showcase their extraordinary talents, 683 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,960 and tonight is no exception. 684 00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:16,960 Whilst we await Cirque's return next month to the Royal Albert Hall 685 00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:18,960 with their new show, Corteo, 686 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:21,480 we're delighted to present a TV exclusive 687 00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:23,960 from their Las Vegas shows. 688 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,320 Flying in especially to appear here tonight, 689 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:27,960 please, would you put your hands together 690 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:30,960 for the stars of O and Mystere, 691 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,800 it's the astonishing Cirque du Soleil. 692 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 693 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,960 SINGING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE 694 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:11,960 MUSIC CONTINUES 695 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,960 APPLAUSE 696 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,960 MUSIC CONTINUES 697 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,960 APPLAUSE 698 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:29,960 MUSIC CONTINUES 699 00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:03,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 700 00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:10,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: Up next, 701 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,960 Britain's Got Talent winner Sydnie Christmas, 702 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:15,000 and an exclusive medley 703 00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:18,960 from Cameron Mackintosh's new production of Oliver! 704 00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,960 APPLAUSE 705 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:37,320 One of the biggest joys of being a judge on Britain's Got Talent 706 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:40,960 is watching the huge variety of amazing acts 707 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:43,960 compete to win a spot on this stage 708 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,320 and perform in front of the royal family. 709 00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:47,960 Over the past 18 years, 710 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:49,960 I've watched thousands of acts audition, 711 00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:51,960 but nothing quite beats 712 00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:55,960 having your own Golden Buzzer Act go on to win. 713 00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,480 Since that night, she's released her debut album, 714 00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:02,960 and she's about to embark on her first ever headline tour. 715 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,960 It is the best feeling in the world 716 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:07,640 to introduce her onto this stage tonight. 717 00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:09,960 Please, would you give a huge welcome 718 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:13,960 to the absolutely fantastic Sydnie Christmas. 719 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 720 00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:31,960 # First things first 721 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,960 # I'ma say all the words Inside my head 722 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:36,960 # I'm fired up 723 00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:40,960 # And tired of the way That things have been, oh 724 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:42,960 # Oh-ooh 725 00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:48,960 # The way that things have been, oh Oh-ooh 726 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:52,960 # Second thing second Don't you tell me 727 00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:57,960 # What you think that I can be I'm the one at the sail 728 00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:02,960 # I'm the master of my sea, oh-ooh 729 00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:08,960 # The master of my sea, oh-ooh Oh-ooh 730 00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:12,320 # I was broken from a young age Taking my sulking to the masses 731 00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,960 # Writing my poems for the few That look at me 732 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:16,960 # Took to me, shook to me Feeling me 733 00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:18,960 # Singing my heartache From the pain 734 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:20,960 # Taking my message from the veins 735 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:22,960 # Speaking my lessons from the brain 736 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:24,960 # Seeing the beauty through the 737 00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:27,960 # Pain 738 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:33,160 # You made me a You made me a believer, believer 739 00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:35,960 # Pain 740 00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:41,960 # You break me down, you build me up Believer, believer 741 00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,320 # Pain 742 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:48,000 # Oh, let the bullets fly Oh, let them rain 743 00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:51,960 # My life, my love, my drive It came from 744 00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:53,000 # Pain 745 00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:56,960 # You made me a, made me a believer 746 00:44:56,960 --> 00:45:02,960 # Believer 747 00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:07,960 # Last things last, by the grace And the fire and the flames 748 00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:11,960 # You're the face of the future The blood in my veins 749 00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:15,960 # Ooh, the blood in my veins 750 00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,960 # Oh-ooh 751 00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:20,320 # I was chokin' in the crowd 752 00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:24,960 # Building my rain up in the cloud Falling like ashes to the ground 753 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,000 # Hoping my feelings They would drown 754 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,960 # But they never did Ever lived, ebbin' and flowin' 755 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:31,960 # Inhibited, limited Till it broke open 756 00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:36,960 # It rained down It rained down like 757 00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,160 # Pain 758 00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:43,960 # You made me a Made me a believer, believer 759 00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:46,960 # Pain 760 00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:48,960 # You break me down, you build me up 761 00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:52,960 # Believer, believer 762 00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:54,960 # Pain 763 00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:58,960 # Oh, let the bullets fly Oh, let them rain 764 00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:02,800 # My life, my love, my drive It came from 765 00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:03,960 # Pain 766 00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:08,960 # You made me a You made me a believer, believer 767 00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:13,960 # Ooh. # 768 00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:18,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 769 00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,960 It's our absolute pleasure now to introduce one 770 00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:38,640 of our most successful musical theatre producers. 771 00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:41,960 Please, give it up for Cameron Mackintosh. 772 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:43,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 773 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:45,960 Hello, good evening. 774 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:49,960 Now, Lionel Bart's great musical Oliver! 775 00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:53,960 was the first big British musical to take Broadway by storm, 776 00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:58,960 and became one of the most successful movie musicals ever. 777 00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,960 The original cast were completely unknown, 778 00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:03,960 but proved to be an overnight sensation. 779 00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:06,000 And Lionel's incredible score 780 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:08,960 still has the whole world singing along. 781 00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:10,960 For our new production, 782 00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:12,960 Matthew Bourne and I wanted to return 783 00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,960 to Lionel's more intimate original vision. 784 00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:18,960 Please, welcome our fabulous new company 785 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,960 playing at the Gielgud Theatre, 786 00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:22,960 performing some of the wonderful hit songs 787 00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:26,960 from Lionel Bart's musical masterpiece, Oliver! 788 00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 789 00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:43,960 What you staring at? Ain't you ever seen a toff? 790 00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,960 No. No. 791 00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,960 Never. I... 792 00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:50,960 Well, that's all right. Don't worry about it. 793 00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:51,960 Oh. Tired? 794 00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:54,960 Yes. I've been walking seven days. 795 00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,960 Oh. Are you accommodated? 796 00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,000 I don't think so. 797 00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:01,480 Then accommodated you shall be, my young mate. 798 00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:03,960 And I know a 'spectable old gentleman 799 00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,160 what'll give you lodgings for nothing. 800 00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,960 Who is the 'spectable gentleman, then? 801 00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:09,960 Mr Fagin. 802 00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:12,960 Are you sure Mr Fagin won't mind? 803 00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:14,960 Mind? 804 00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:16,960 MUSIC STARTS 805 00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:21,960 # Consider yourself at home 806 00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:22,960 # Consider yourself... # 807 00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:24,960 One of the family? 808 00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:25,960 Yes! 809 00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:27,960 # I've taken to you... 810 00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:29,960 # So strong... # Ooh! 811 00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:30,960 # It's clear 812 00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:33,960 BOTH: # We're going to get along 813 00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,960 # Consider yourself... Well in... # 814 00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:37,960 Oi, oi! You all right? 815 00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:40,960 # Consider yourself Part of the furniture 816 00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:43,960 # There isn't a lot to spare... # 817 00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:44,960 Ooh, lovely. 818 00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:46,800 # Who cares? 819 00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:48,960 # Whatever we got, we share 820 00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:52,320 # Nobody tries to be lah-di-dah Or uppity 821 00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:55,960 # There's a cup of tea for all 822 00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:59,960 # Only it's wise to be handy With a rolling pin 823 00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:03,960 # When the landlord comes to call 824 00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:07,960 # Consider yourself our mate 825 00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:10,960 # We don't wanna have no fuss 826 00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:15,960 # For after some consideration We can state 827 00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:17,960 # Consider yourself Yes! 828 00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:19,640 # One of us 829 00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:22,960 # Consider yourself at home 830 00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:28,800 # We've taken to you so strong 831 00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,960 # Consider yourself well in 832 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,960 # There isn't a lot to spare 833 00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:42,960 # If it should chance to be We should see some harder days 834 00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:44,960 # Empty larder days 835 00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:46,960 # Why grouse? 836 00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:50,960 # Always a chance we'll meet Somebody to foot the bill 837 00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:53,960 # Then the drinks Are on the house... # 838 00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:55,960 Let's show 'em how to do it! 839 00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:59,960 # Consider yourself at home 840 00:49:59,960 --> 00:50:03,640 # Consider yourself One of the family 841 00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:06,960 # We've taken to you so strong 842 00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:10,960 # It's clear We're going to get along 843 00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:14,480 # If it should chance to be We should see some harder days 844 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,960 # Empty larder days 845 00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:17,960 # Why grouse? 846 00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:20,960 # Always a chance we'll meet Somebody to foot the bill 847 00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:24,960 # Then the drinks are on the house 848 00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:28,960 # Consider yourself our mate 849 00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:32,800 # We don't want to have no fuss 850 00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:36,000 # For after some consideration We can state 851 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:43,800 # Consider yourself 852 00:50:43,800 --> 00:50:46,640 # One of us! # 853 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 854 00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:53,960 Come on, guys, let's go! 855 00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:56,480 That way! Come on. 856 00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:08,960 Fagin? 857 00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:11,960 Wha...? Fagin? 858 00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:13,000 Where's he...? 859 00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:14,960 SHOUTS: Fagin! 860 00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:17,960 FAGIN SHOUTS: What?! 861 00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:19,960 Trying to have a nap down there. 862 00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:22,960 You lot jumpin' around the place, making a racket. 863 00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:23,960 What do you want from me? 864 00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,960 I've brought a new friend to see you. 865 00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,960 Mr Oliver Twist. 866 00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,000 Sir. 867 00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:40,000 I hope we shall have the honour 868 00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:43,960 of your most intimate acquaintance, my dear. 869 00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:46,000 We are very glad to see you, Oliver. Very! 870 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:48,960 Aren't we, my dears? ALL: Yes, yes! 871 00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:51,960 Oh, now, Oliver, I see you are staring at the pocket handkerchiefs, 872 00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:52,960 my dear. 873 00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:54,960 Quite a few of them, ain't there? 874 00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:58,320 We have just hung 'em out ready for the wash, eh? 875 00:51:58,320 --> 00:51:59,960 ORPHANS AGREEING The linen, boys! 876 00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:01,480 Is this a laundry, then, sir? 877 00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:02,960 CHILDREN LAUGH 878 00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:05,960 The new boy thinks it's a laundry! That's... Yeah, no, very good! 879 00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,960 Very good, very good, innit? 880 00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:09,960 There we go. LAUGHTER 881 00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,960 Now, I suppose... 882 00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:13,960 a laundry, that'd be a very fine idea indeed, 883 00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:15,960 wouldn't it, my dear? 884 00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:19,640 But, you see, Oliver, our line of business... 885 00:52:19,640 --> 00:52:20,960 pays a little better. 886 00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:21,960 Doesn't it, boys? 887 00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:23,960 ALL AGREEING 888 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:25,000 Let's show Oliver how to do it! 889 00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:26,960 ALL CLAMOURING Go, go, go! 890 00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:35,960 SONG: 'You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two' 891 00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,960 # Why should we break our backs 892 00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:43,960 # Stupidly paying tax 893 00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:46,640 # Better get some untaxed income 894 00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:48,960 # Got to pick a pocket or two 895 00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:52,960 # You've got to Pick a pocket or two, boys... # 896 00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:53,960 Get out of it! 897 00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:58,960 # You've got to Pick a pocket or two 898 00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:00,960 # Why should we all break our backs? 899 00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:03,960 # Better pick a pocket or two... # 900 00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,960 Who says crime doesn't pay, Oliver, eh? 901 00:53:08,640 --> 00:53:10,960 # Take a tip from Bill Sikes 902 00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:14,160 # He can whip what he likes 903 00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:16,960 # I recall he started small 904 00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:19,960 # He had to pick a pocket or two 905 00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:23,800 # You've got to Pick a pocket or two, boys... # 906 00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:24,960 Ooh! 907 00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:27,960 # You've got to Pick a pocket or two 908 00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:30,640 # We can be like old Bill Sikes 909 00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:32,960 # If we pick a pocket or two... # 910 00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:34,960 Oliver! OLIVER! 911 00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:37,960 # When I see someone rich 912 00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:40,960 # Both my thumbs start to itch 913 00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:44,960 # Only to find some peace of mind 914 00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:48,000 # I have to pick a pocket or two 915 00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:51,000 # You've got to Pick a pocket or two... # 916 00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:55,960 Boop! # Boy... # 917 00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:58,960 SUSTAINED NOTE 918 00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:01,960 NOTE WAVERS COMICALLY 919 00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:03,160 Oh, get on with it! 920 00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:04,960 I've been having lessons! 921 00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:08,960 # You've got to Pick a pocket or two 922 00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:10,800 # Just to find Some peace of mind... # 923 00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,000 Altogether, boys! 924 00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:15,320 # We have to pick a pocket or... # 925 00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:16,800 Ha! 926 00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:19,960 # Just to find some peace of mind We have to pick a pocket or 927 00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:22,960 # Just to find some peace of mind We have to pick a pocket or two. # 928 00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:24,320 ALL: Hey! 929 00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 930 00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:28,960 NANCY SHOUTS 931 00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:30,480 Ah, Nancy! 932 00:54:30,480 --> 00:54:32,960 Look sharp, boys. Nancy and Bet are here. 933 00:54:32,960 --> 00:54:35,960 The ladies are here. Ladies? Cor, hark at him! 934 00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:37,960 Oi, we'll have less of that, if you don't mind! 935 00:54:37,960 --> 00:54:40,960 Now, who we got here, then, Fagin? Ah, yes, Nancy. 936 00:54:40,960 --> 00:54:43,800 This is our new lodger that I was telling you all about. 937 00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,960 This here is Master Oliver Twist, Esquire. 938 00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:50,960 Ma'am. 939 00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:52,960 Well, if you're gonna do her, do him as well. 940 00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,960 Go on, mate. LAUGHTER 941 00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:56,960 Sir. There we go. 942 00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:57,960 LAUGHTER 943 00:54:57,960 --> 00:55:00,320 Sorry. He's ever so rude. He doesn't know yet! 944 00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:06,960 Come on, Nancy, please, my dear, give us a free show, eh? 945 00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:08,480 Dodger? Yeah? 946 00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:10,960 Have you seen the way them quality gentlemen 947 00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:12,960 treats their ladies? 948 00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:13,960 Well, of course I have. 949 00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:15,960 So, how's it go, then, Dodger? 950 00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,960 It's all hats off and bowing and all of that. 951 00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:21,960 Don't let your petticoats dangle in the mud, my darling. 952 00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:23,960 And I'll go last. 953 00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:25,960 # I'd do anything 954 00:55:25,960 --> 00:55:28,960 # For you, dear, anything 955 00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:31,960 # For you mean everything 956 00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:33,960 # To me 957 00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:37,960 # I know that I'd go anywhere 958 00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:39,960 # For your smile, anywhere 959 00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:43,960 # For your smile Everywhere I'd see 960 00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:47,960 # Would you climb a hill? 961 00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:49,320 # Anything 962 00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:52,000 # Wear a daffodil? Anything 963 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,960 # Leave me all your will? 964 00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:55,960 # Anything 965 00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,800 # Even fight my Bill? # What, fisticuffs?! 966 00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:00,960 # I'd risk everything 967 00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:03,960 # For one kiss, everything 968 00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:06,960 # Yes, I'd do anything Anything? 969 00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:09,960 # Anything for you... # 970 00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:11,960 Oliver, you follow me, all right? 971 00:56:14,640 --> 00:56:16,960 # I'd do anything 972 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:18,960 # For you, dear, anything... # 973 00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:19,960 That's it. 974 00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:22,960 # For you mean everything to me... # 975 00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:24,960 Beautiful! 976 00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:28,640 # I know that I'd go anywhere 977 00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:31,960 # For your smile, anywhere 978 00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:35,960 # For your smile Everywhere I'd see 979 00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:38,960 # Would you lace my shoe? 980 00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:40,960 # Anything 981 00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:43,000 # Paint your face bright blue? Anything 982 00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,960 # Catch a kangaroo? Anything 983 00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:48,960 # Go to Timbuktu? 984 00:56:50,640 --> 00:56:51,960 # And back again... # 985 00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:56,800 ALL CHEER # I'd risk everything for one kiss 986 00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:59,960 # Everything Yes, I'd do anything 987 00:56:59,960 --> 00:57:02,960 # Anything? Anything for you... # 988 00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:04,960 ALL EXCLAIMING, APPLAUDING 989 00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:07,960 # Would you rob a shop? CHILDREN: Anything 990 00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:09,960 # Would you risk the drop? 991 00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:10,960 # Anything 992 00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,960 # Though your eyes go pop? Anything 993 00:57:13,960 --> 00:57:16,960 # When you come down, plop 994 00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:18,960 # Hang everything 995 00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:21,960 # We'd risk life and limb 996 00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:25,960 # To keep you in the swim 997 00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:28,960 # Yes, we'd do anything 998 00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:30,320 # Anything? 999 00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:35,960 # Anything for you! # 1000 00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:41,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1001 00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:42,960 Right, bedtime, all of you, please. 1002 00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:45,960 CHILDREN CLAMOURING 1003 00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:48,960 Go on, please! Get this gone. Thank you. 1004 00:57:50,960 --> 00:57:52,960 Move, Charlie. 1005 00:58:01,960 --> 00:58:04,960 # As long 1006 00:58:04,960 --> 00:58:10,960 # As he needs me 1007 00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:18,960 # Oh, yes, he does need me 1008 00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:26,800 # In spite of what you see 1009 00:58:26,800 --> 00:58:33,640 # I'm sure that he needs me 1010 00:58:33,640 --> 00:58:36,960 # I miss him so much 1011 00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:40,640 # When he is gone 1012 00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:43,960 # But when he's near me 1013 00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:49,480 # I don't let on 1014 00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:55,160 # The way I feel inside 1015 00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:59,960 # The love I have to hide 1016 00:58:59,960 --> 00:59:04,960 # The hell! I've got my pride 1017 00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:10,960 # As long as he needs me 1018 00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:14,800 # He doesn't say The things he should 1019 00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:17,960 # He acts the way He thinks he should 1020 00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:19,960 # But all the same 1021 00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:24,960 # I'll play this game 1022 00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:30,000 # His way 1023 00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:37,960 # As long as life is long 1024 00:59:37,960 --> 00:59:42,320 # I'll love him, right or wrong 1025 00:59:42,320 --> 00:59:46,960 # And somehow, I'll be strong 1026 00:59:46,960 --> 00:59:51,000 # As long as he needs me 1027 00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:56,960 # If you are lonely Then you will know 1028 00:59:56,960 --> 01:00:00,960 # When someone needs you 1029 01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:06,960 # You love them so 1030 01:00:06,960 --> 01:00:12,960 # I won't betray his trust 1031 01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:17,160 # Though people say I must 1032 01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:20,960 # I've got to stay true 1033 01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:22,960 # Just 1034 01:00:22,960 --> 01:00:25,960 # As long as he 1035 01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:36,320 # Needs 1036 01:00:36,320 --> 01:00:45,960 # Me. # 1037 01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:49,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1038 01:00:49,960 --> 01:00:53,960 MUSIC: 'Consider Yourself' 1039 01:00:53,960 --> 01:00:57,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1040 01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:09,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES 1041 01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:13,960 Oh! 1042 01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:17,320 Weren't that good? Weren't that good? 1043 01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:19,960 COCKNEY ACCENT: Oh, that was amazing, amazing. 1044 01:01:19,960 --> 01:01:21,960 And in honour of Fagin and his little urchins 1045 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:24,960 during that performance, we had our own little urchins 1046 01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:27,960 working their way around the Albert Hall, 1047 01:01:27,960 --> 01:01:31,960 picking a pocket or two. ALAN CACKLES 1048 01:01:31,960 --> 01:01:32,960 LAUGHTER 1049 01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:36,960 Don't worry. If you've lost any valuables, 1050 01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:40,960 all the proceeds from their sale will be going to tonight's charity. 1051 01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:42,320 LAUGHTER 1052 01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:45,960 So, let's welcome our little urchins and find out how they got on. 1053 01:01:45,960 --> 01:01:49,960 Please, would you welcome, from Alan's sitcom, Young Alan. 1054 01:01:49,960 --> 01:01:53,800 And joining him, from Amanda's dreams, Young Amanda. 1055 01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:54,960 Oh, thanks (!) 1056 01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:56,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1057 01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:58,960 Yes! 1058 01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:01,960 SONG: 'Young At Heart' 1059 01:02:05,960 --> 01:02:08,960 Oh. Look at you. You look so young and gorgeous. 1060 01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:09,960 I wanna look like that. 1061 01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:10,960 Yeah. 1062 01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:13,960 Well, give it a few more years and you probably will! 1063 01:02:13,960 --> 01:02:15,160 LAUGHTER 1064 01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:19,960 Now, where have you heard things like that? Zip it! 1065 01:02:19,960 --> 01:02:22,960 So, how did you find it working with Little Amanda? 1066 01:02:22,960 --> 01:02:24,960 Well, she's very bossy. 1067 01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:27,800 Yeah. Welcome to my world, love. 1068 01:02:27,800 --> 01:02:28,960 LAUGHTER 1069 01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:32,000 Hope she didn't have the two bottles of rose before lunch as well. 1070 01:02:33,320 --> 01:02:34,960 Well, darling, 1071 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:37,960 at least Amanda isn't just sat around all day 1072 01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:41,960 flirting with the Spanish builders when there's work to be done. 1073 01:02:41,960 --> 01:02:45,960 Oh-oh! She's good! 1074 01:02:45,960 --> 01:02:47,960 Can you do that really annoying laugh? 1075 01:02:47,960 --> 01:02:49,960 SHE CACKLES 1076 01:02:49,960 --> 01:02:51,960 LAUGHTER That's amazing. 1077 01:02:51,960 --> 01:02:54,960 That's enough of that. ALAN LAUGHS 1078 01:02:54,960 --> 01:02:58,960 Right, come on. I wanna see what you managed to pinch. 1079 01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:01,960 We got... 126 wallets. 1080 01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:03,960 Oh, that's amazing. 1081 01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:05,960 And if one of those is Simon Cowell's, 1082 01:03:05,960 --> 01:03:06,960 our work is done. 1083 01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:07,960 Oh! 1084 01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:10,960 And I got some swanky watches out of the posh seats. 1085 01:03:10,960 --> 01:03:12,960 Oh-ho! 1086 01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:15,960 That's about 100 grand's worth of watch on your wrist. 1087 01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:18,640 And probably the closest an Alan Carr will ever get 1088 01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:20,320 to looking like a professional footballer. 1089 01:03:20,320 --> 01:03:22,320 Oh, oh, and... 1090 01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:24,960 we nabbed these three small silk handkerchiefs 1091 01:03:24,960 --> 01:03:26,960 out of a dressing room. Hey! 1092 01:03:26,960 --> 01:03:28,960 They are not three small silk handkerchiefs. 1093 01:03:28,960 --> 01:03:30,960 This is my outfit 1094 01:03:30,960 --> 01:03:32,960 for the Britain's Got Talent final next year. 1095 01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:34,800 LAUGHTER 1096 01:03:34,800 --> 01:03:36,960 Well, it will be once I've had them taken in a bit. 1097 01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:39,640 We got a load of mobile phones. 1098 01:03:39,640 --> 01:03:41,320 Nice work. We should get good money for the... 1099 01:03:41,320 --> 01:03:43,960 PHONE RINGS Do I answer it? 1100 01:03:45,960 --> 01:03:48,960 Hello? Oh. 1101 01:03:49,960 --> 01:03:52,480 Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now. 1102 01:03:52,480 --> 01:03:53,960 Can I take a message? 1103 01:03:53,960 --> 01:03:56,960 Right. OK. Yeah, I'll be sure to pass that on. 1104 01:03:56,960 --> 01:03:58,960 That was a bit awkward. 1105 01:03:58,960 --> 01:04:00,960 Your Majesty? 1106 01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:02,000 LAUGHTER 1107 01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:03,960 There's a man who wants to talk to you 1108 01:04:03,960 --> 01:04:06,960 about an exciting opportunity to switch to T-Mobile. 1109 01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:08,960 LAUGHTER 1110 01:04:08,960 --> 01:04:11,960 I'll tell you what, Alan. This is getting a bit awkward. 1111 01:04:11,960 --> 01:04:13,960 Maybe we should go through the stuff in private later. 1112 01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:16,960 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Young Amanda 1113 01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:20,960 and Young Alan, Isla Ashworth and Oliver Savell! 1114 01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:24,960 APPLAUSE 1115 01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:28,960 OK, now, it's past your bedtime. Thank you, thank you. 1116 01:04:28,960 --> 01:04:30,640 HUGH QUARSHIE: Plenty more to come. 1117 01:04:30,640 --> 01:04:33,960 World-renowned magicians Penn and Teller. 1118 01:04:33,960 --> 01:04:37,960 The sensational Marisha Wallace. 1119 01:04:37,960 --> 01:04:41,000 And global superstar Sir Elton John. 1120 01:04:48,960 --> 01:04:52,960 APPLAUSE 1121 01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:56,960 Ten years ago on this very stage, 1122 01:04:56,960 --> 01:05:00,480 the Mischief Theatre Group showcased a brand-new production 1123 01:05:00,480 --> 01:05:02,640 called The Play That Goes Wrong. 1124 01:05:02,640 --> 01:05:06,480 Yes. And since then, ironically, things have gone very right, 1125 01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:09,960 and the play has become a global sensation 1126 01:05:09,960 --> 01:05:12,320 and the longest-running comedy in the West End. 1127 01:05:12,320 --> 01:05:15,960 Tonight, you're about to witness the dawn of a new era, 1128 01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:20,480 as the gang takes us back to an old era, the 1960s, 1129 01:05:20,480 --> 01:05:23,960 and a Cold War spy thriller like no other. 1130 01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:26,640 Opening at the Noel Coward Theatre in April, 1131 01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:29,960 this is The Comedy About Spies. 1132 01:05:29,960 --> 01:05:32,800 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 1133 01:05:33,960 --> 01:05:36,960 DRAMATIC MUSIC 1134 01:05:41,960 --> 01:05:43,960 Agent X. Good to see you, Sir. 1135 01:05:43,960 --> 01:05:45,960 Agent Y. Agent U. 1136 01:05:45,960 --> 01:05:48,960 Nice job at the consulate. It's all Z's talking about. 1137 01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:49,960 Many thanks, Sir. 1138 01:05:49,960 --> 01:05:51,960 Unfortunately, we have a problem closer to home, 1139 01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:53,960 and I need to talk to you privately. 1140 01:05:53,960 --> 01:05:56,960 Me, Sir? No, you. 1141 01:05:57,960 --> 01:05:59,800 He is U, Sir. 1142 01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:00,960 No, not U, you. 1143 01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:02,960 Right! Y. 1144 01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:04,480 I can't tell you that. It's classified. 1145 01:06:04,480 --> 01:06:07,160 LAUGHTER No, Sir. I wasn't asking why. 1146 01:06:07,160 --> 01:06:09,960 I was saying Y. Ah! 1147 01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:10,960 Sir? Get out, R. 1148 01:06:10,960 --> 01:06:13,960 LAUGHTER 1149 01:06:13,960 --> 01:06:15,960 Sorry, Y, I just need U to get out. 1150 01:06:15,960 --> 01:06:17,960 Yes, Sir. No, not you, U! 1151 01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:18,960 Get out. Yes, Sir. 1152 01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:21,000 You stay. Not you. 1153 01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:25,960 Sorry about that. Tea? 1154 01:06:25,960 --> 01:06:27,960 Yes, Sir? Get out, T! 1155 01:06:27,960 --> 01:06:28,960 LAUGHTER 1156 01:06:30,960 --> 01:06:33,960 The intelligence you gathered at the consulate regarding the Soviets, 1157 01:06:33,960 --> 01:06:35,960 the Kremlin knows we have it. Oh? 1158 01:06:35,960 --> 01:06:37,960 No. 1159 01:06:40,960 --> 01:06:43,960 Funny thing is, we hadn't even briefed it in to Number 10. 1160 01:06:43,960 --> 01:06:47,960 You think a sinister minister illicitly solicited a conspirator? 1161 01:06:47,960 --> 01:06:49,960 That's hard to say. Mm. 1162 01:06:51,960 --> 01:06:54,960 But I suspect there may be a rogue agent in MI6. 1163 01:06:54,960 --> 01:06:55,960 Oh! 1164 01:06:55,960 --> 01:06:57,800 Mm-hm? No! 1165 01:06:58,960 --> 01:07:01,960 But is there any evidence, Sir? 1166 01:07:01,960 --> 01:07:03,960 Of course. Just take a look at these slides. 1167 01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:06,960 SHE GASPS 1168 01:07:13,960 --> 01:07:15,960 Oh. That's twisted! 1169 01:07:17,960 --> 01:07:20,960 With the treasure in the building, we can't take any chances. 1170 01:07:20,960 --> 01:07:21,960 Bring in the file. 1171 01:07:21,960 --> 01:07:23,160 PANTING 1172 01:07:23,160 --> 01:07:25,960 Here you are, Sir. Thank you. 1173 01:07:28,160 --> 01:07:29,960 Who was that? 1174 01:07:29,960 --> 01:07:31,960 Case officer. 1175 01:07:34,960 --> 01:07:36,960 This file contains all the information 1176 01:07:36,960 --> 01:07:38,480 on Project Midnight, 1177 01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:40,960 a top-secret new weapon developed at Porton Down. 1178 01:07:40,960 --> 01:07:43,960 If it fell into Soviet hands, it would be disastrous. 1179 01:07:43,960 --> 01:07:46,960 So I need you to get a handle on this. 1180 01:07:46,960 --> 01:07:48,960 It's already got one, Sir. 1181 01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:50,960 No, I need you on the case. 1182 01:07:50,960 --> 01:07:52,960 But I'll break it! 1183 01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:54,960 No, I need you all over it. Sir! 1184 01:07:56,960 --> 01:07:59,960 No, courier it to a safe house off-site. 1185 01:07:59,960 --> 01:08:00,960 Of course, Sir. 1186 01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:02,960 The whole agency is relying on you. 1187 01:08:02,960 --> 01:08:04,960 That's a lot of pressure, Sir. 1188 01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:06,960 Sorry, I don't know my own strength. 1189 01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:09,000 It is extremely sensitive. 1190 01:08:09,000 --> 01:08:10,960 Well, you did squeeze rather hard. 1191 01:08:10,960 --> 01:08:12,960 No, the file. Oh, I see. 1192 01:08:12,960 --> 01:08:15,640 ALL: Yes, Sir! No! 1193 01:08:15,640 --> 01:08:17,960 Who came up with this stupid system?! 1194 01:08:17,960 --> 01:08:18,960 I did. 1195 01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:20,800 Agent I, get in here! Sir! 1196 01:08:20,800 --> 01:08:21,960 No, not I, me. 1197 01:08:21,960 --> 01:08:24,960 You did this? No, it wasn't me, Sir. No... 1198 01:08:24,960 --> 01:08:26,960 Not you, U, you! Ah! 1199 01:08:26,960 --> 01:08:29,960 No, it wasn't me. It was Y. See?! 1200 01:08:29,960 --> 01:08:32,480 Yes, Sir! No, not C! "See"! 1201 01:08:32,480 --> 01:08:33,960 Oh! 1202 01:08:33,960 --> 01:08:35,640 No! 1203 01:08:36,640 --> 01:08:38,960 Not C or I or U or R. 1204 01:08:38,960 --> 01:08:40,960 That's what I said. I said nothing of the sort! 1205 01:08:40,960 --> 01:08:43,960 No, not what you said, I, what I said, me! 1206 01:08:43,960 --> 01:08:44,960 Why?! Yes, Sir! 1207 01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:46,960 No, I'm not saying "Y"! I'm asking why! 1208 01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:48,960 Why did you implement this ridiculous system? 1209 01:08:48,960 --> 01:08:50,000 For ease. 1210 01:08:50,000 --> 01:08:51,960 ALL: Yes, Sir? 1211 01:08:51,960 --> 01:08:53,960 LAUGHTER 1212 01:08:53,960 --> 01:08:55,960 APPLAUSE 1213 01:08:58,960 --> 01:09:01,640 I'm so confused. I see why you are. 1214 01:09:01,640 --> 01:09:03,480 I, C, Y, U AND R: Yes, Sir! No! 1215 01:09:03,480 --> 01:09:04,960 But, Sir, 1216 01:09:04,960 --> 01:09:07,000 the file's gone! THEY GASP 1217 01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:10,960 He's fainted. Get a man to hold him. 1218 01:09:10,960 --> 01:09:11,960 Sir? 1219 01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:16,320 No... 1220 01:09:16,320 --> 01:09:19,960 Not "Amanda Holden", "a man to hold him". 1221 01:09:19,960 --> 01:09:22,960 LAUGHTER 1222 01:09:22,960 --> 01:09:25,960 He needs a hospital. We need to get a car! 1223 01:09:27,960 --> 01:09:29,960 It's me, Alan! 1224 01:09:31,960 --> 01:09:33,640 No, not "a Carr". A car! 1225 01:09:33,640 --> 01:09:36,000 This is a crisis. Raise the alarm. 1226 01:09:40,960 --> 01:09:42,960 And hit the panic button. 1227 01:09:42,960 --> 01:09:46,960 ALL SCREAM 1228 01:09:46,960 --> 01:09:49,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1229 01:09:49,960 --> 01:09:53,160 DRAMATIC MUSIC 1230 01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:56,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1231 01:10:08,960 --> 01:10:11,960 We're thrilled to be able to showcase 1232 01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:13,960 many powerhouse performances tonight, 1233 01:10:13,960 --> 01:10:16,320 and our next star is one of them. 1234 01:10:16,320 --> 01:10:18,960 From the original Broadway cast of Aladdin, 1235 01:10:18,960 --> 01:10:21,960 she arrived in the West End to wow audiences 1236 01:10:21,960 --> 01:10:24,960 in Hairspray, Oklahoma, and Guys And Dolls. 1237 01:10:24,960 --> 01:10:28,480 Ahead of her biggest ever headline date next year 1238 01:10:28,480 --> 01:10:30,960 at the Adelphi Theatre, she's here to wow us 1239 01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:34,000 with the song she first performed on a London stage. 1240 01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:37,640 With And I'm Telling You from Dreamgirls, 1241 01:10:37,640 --> 01:10:40,960 it's the incredible Marisha Wallace. 1242 01:10:40,960 --> 01:10:43,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1243 01:10:45,960 --> 01:10:48,960 # And I am telling you 1244 01:10:50,640 --> 01:10:54,960 # I'm not going 1245 01:10:54,960 --> 01:10:58,960 # You're the best man I'll ever know 1246 01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:03,800 # There's no way I can ever go 1247 01:11:03,800 --> 01:11:06,320 # No, no, there's no way 1248 01:11:06,320 --> 01:11:11,960 # No, no, no, no way I'm living without you 1249 01:11:11,960 --> 01:11:15,960 # I'm not living without you 1250 01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:18,960 # I don't wanna be free 1251 01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:24,960 # I'm staying 1252 01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:27,960 # And you, and you 1253 01:11:27,960 --> 01:11:31,960 # You're gonna love me 1254 01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:34,960 # Oh, mm, mm, mm 1255 01:11:36,960 --> 01:11:39,960 # And I am telling you 1256 01:11:39,960 --> 01:11:44,960 # I'm not going 1257 01:11:44,960 --> 01:11:48,960 # Even though The rough times are showing 1258 01:11:48,960 --> 01:11:51,960 # There's just no way 1259 01:11:51,960 --> 01:11:54,800 # There's no way 1260 01:11:54,800 --> 01:11:57,960 # We're part of the same place 1261 01:11:57,960 --> 01:12:01,960 # We're part of the same time 1262 01:12:01,960 --> 01:12:06,320 # We both share the same blood 1263 01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:09,960 # We both have the same mind 1264 01:12:09,960 --> 01:12:12,960 # And time and time 1265 01:12:12,960 --> 01:12:16,800 # We've had so much to see 1266 01:12:16,800 --> 01:12:19,640 # And no, no, no, no, no way 1267 01:12:19,640 --> 01:12:22,960 # I'm not waking up tomorrow morning 1268 01:12:22,960 --> 01:12:29,320 # And finding that There's nobody there 1269 01:12:29,320 --> 01:12:32,960 # Tear down the mountains Yell, scream and shout 1270 01:12:32,960 --> 01:12:34,960 # Like you can say what you want 1271 01:12:34,960 --> 01:12:37,000 # I'm not walking out 1272 01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:41,320 # Stop all the rivers Push, strike and kill 1273 01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:43,800 # I'm not gonna leave you 1274 01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:49,000 # There's no way I will 1275 01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:51,960 # And 1276 01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:58,960 # I am 1277 01:12:59,960 --> 01:13:02,960 # Telling you 1278 01:13:02,960 --> 01:13:06,960 # I-I-I'm not going 1279 01:13:06,960 --> 01:13:10,960 # You're the best man I'll ever know 1280 01:13:10,960 --> 01:13:14,960 # And there's no way I could ever, ever go 1281 01:13:14,960 --> 01:13:17,960 # No, no, no, there's no way 1282 01:13:17,960 --> 01:13:23,480 # No, no, no, no way I'm living without you 1283 01:13:23,480 --> 01:13:27,960 # I'm not living without you Not living without you 1284 01:13:27,960 --> 01:13:32,960 # I don't wanna be free No, no, no 1285 01:13:32,960 --> 01:13:36,640 # I'm staying, I'm staying 1286 01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:39,480 # And you, and you, and you 1287 01:13:39,480 --> 01:13:42,960 # You're gonna love me 1288 01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:46,960 # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 1289 01:13:46,960 --> 01:13:49,960 # You're gonna love me 1290 01:13:49,960 --> 01:13:51,960 # Love me 1291 01:13:51,960 --> 01:13:55,960 # Love me, love me 1292 01:13:55,960 --> 01:14:04,960 # Love 1293 01:14:06,640 --> 01:14:13,800 # You're gonna love 1294 01:14:13,800 --> 01:14:23,960 # Me. # 1295 01:14:25,960 --> 01:14:29,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1296 01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:49,480 HUGH QUARSHIE: On their way, Eurovision winner Nemo, 1297 01:14:49,480 --> 01:14:52,960 plus a special choir with some surprise guests. 1298 01:15:04,960 --> 01:15:06,960 Our next act is a brilliant stand-up 1299 01:15:06,960 --> 01:15:09,960 who is well known for writing and voicing characters 1300 01:15:09,960 --> 01:15:12,960 such as Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer and Donald Trump 1301 01:15:12,960 --> 01:15:14,960 on Spitting Image. 1302 01:15:14,960 --> 01:15:17,960 He's also one of our best satirical comics. 1303 01:15:17,960 --> 01:15:21,320 Hot off his biggest tour to date, it's Matt Forde. 1304 01:15:21,320 --> 01:15:23,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1305 01:15:32,960 --> 01:15:34,960 Thank you. 1306 01:15:34,960 --> 01:15:36,960 Before I start, I should explain why I need a walking stick. 1307 01:15:36,960 --> 01:15:38,960 Just over a year ago, 1308 01:15:38,960 --> 01:15:41,000 I had terrible nerve pain in my left leg 1309 01:15:41,000 --> 01:15:42,960 and went to get an MRI scan, 1310 01:15:42,960 --> 01:15:46,960 thinking the pain was caused by a slipped or a swollen disc. 1311 01:15:46,960 --> 01:15:48,960 I got the results of that scan back, 1312 01:15:48,960 --> 01:15:50,960 and I was diagnosed with cancer. 1313 01:15:52,160 --> 01:15:56,800 And at that point, I had no idea how much longer I had left to live. 1314 01:15:56,800 --> 01:16:00,960 And I'm telling you this mainly just to get you onside. 1315 01:16:00,960 --> 01:16:03,960 Because I'm gonna impersonate a few politicians now. 1316 01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:08,640 And if I insult one you like, just remember, I've been very brave. 1317 01:16:10,960 --> 01:16:13,960 But I'm now cancer-free and alive. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1318 01:16:13,960 --> 01:16:15,960 Oh, thank you, very much. 1319 01:16:15,960 --> 01:16:17,960 APPLAUSE 1320 01:16:18,960 --> 01:16:21,960 And I'm so glad I lived to see the wonderful, 1321 01:16:21,960 --> 01:16:25,960 global political events of the last few months. 1322 01:16:25,960 --> 01:16:27,960 My God, what a world we're living in. 1323 01:16:27,960 --> 01:16:30,960 Obviously, we've got a new Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, 1324 01:16:30,960 --> 01:16:32,960 a man with a very distinctive block-nosed, 1325 01:16:32,960 --> 01:16:34,960 locked jaw sort of voice. 1326 01:16:34,960 --> 01:16:37,320 If you want to perfect a Keir Starmer impression, 1327 01:16:37,320 --> 01:16:38,960 the phrase you have to master is... 1328 01:16:38,960 --> 01:16:41,960 AS KEIR STARMER: ..the Metropolitan Police. 1329 01:16:41,960 --> 01:16:43,960 LAUGHTER 1330 01:16:43,960 --> 01:16:45,960 All the blocked-nose noises you need. 1331 01:16:45,960 --> 01:16:47,960 A friend of mine said, "Well, you know, 1332 01:16:47,960 --> 01:16:50,960 "he can't do the sexy stuff, can he?" 1333 01:16:50,960 --> 01:16:51,960 And what's that even mean? 1334 01:16:51,960 --> 01:16:54,160 I mean, if you had to have a night of passion 1335 01:16:54,160 --> 01:16:56,960 with one of two politicians, 1336 01:16:56,960 --> 01:16:58,960 would you pick the first guy, who says... 1337 01:16:58,960 --> 01:17:01,480 AS BORIS JOHNSON: "Well, I'm going to give you, yes, by the way... 1338 01:17:01,480 --> 01:17:03,960 "I'm gonna give you the greatest night you've ever had. 1339 01:17:03,960 --> 01:17:07,960 BLUSTERING: "Eruptions of eroticism, oven-ready beans to get in. 1340 01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:10,960 "You've got paroxysms of old pleasure. 1341 01:17:10,960 --> 01:17:13,960 STAMMERING: "Yes, I will level you right up." 1342 01:17:13,960 --> 01:17:16,960 BLUSTERS, LAUGHTER 1343 01:17:19,960 --> 01:17:21,960 Or would you choose the guy that says... 1344 01:17:21,960 --> 01:17:24,320 AS KEIR STARMER: "Look, I'm not going to make any promises..." 1345 01:17:24,320 --> 01:17:26,960 LAUGHTER 1346 01:17:26,960 --> 01:17:28,960 "..certainly not before I've had a good look 1347 01:17:28,960 --> 01:17:30,480 "at what I'm dealing with. 1348 01:17:30,480 --> 01:17:35,960 "But it is my intention to satisfy you as fully as possible 1349 01:17:35,960 --> 01:17:38,960 "in the time available to me." 1350 01:17:40,960 --> 01:17:42,960 Obviously, Rishi Sunak started the year as Prime Minister, 1351 01:17:42,960 --> 01:17:44,640 he's no longer Prime Minister. 1352 01:17:44,640 --> 01:17:45,960 Fascinating bloke to watch, Rishi Sunak, 1353 01:17:45,960 --> 01:17:46,960 because he's got such... 1354 01:17:48,960 --> 01:17:49,960 ..Kermit energy. 1355 01:17:49,960 --> 01:17:51,960 LAUGHTER 1356 01:17:51,960 --> 01:17:55,960 His mouth would finish speaking, but his body wouldn't. 1357 01:17:56,960 --> 01:17:58,960 You saw it during the election campaign 1358 01:17:58,960 --> 01:18:00,960 when he gave that answer about privilege, where he went... 1359 01:18:00,960 --> 01:18:03,960 AS RISHI: "Look, actually, I had to go without quite a lot as a child. 1360 01:18:03,960 --> 01:18:06,800 "Famously, I had to go without Sky TV." 1361 01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:08,960 LAUGHTER 1362 01:18:11,960 --> 01:18:13,000 Why are you wiggling like that? 1363 01:18:14,960 --> 01:18:16,960 But, of course, the biggest political event of the year 1364 01:18:16,960 --> 01:18:20,960 was over in America, and Donald Trump has got re-elected. 1365 01:18:20,960 --> 01:18:24,960 AS DONALD TRUMP: "And it is a great honour to be here today 1366 01:18:24,960 --> 01:18:26,960 "at the Royal Vasectomy." 1367 01:18:26,960 --> 01:18:28,960 LAUGHTER 1368 01:18:31,960 --> 01:18:33,960 "In a room full of 3 million people..." 1369 01:18:33,960 --> 01:18:35,960 LAUGHTER 1370 01:18:35,960 --> 01:18:36,960 "..it's great to be here." 1371 01:18:36,960 --> 01:18:38,960 I mean, the stuff he comes out with. 1372 01:18:38,960 --> 01:18:41,640 "They're eating the cats, they're eating the dogs. 1373 01:18:43,960 --> 01:18:46,160 "Your Majesty, King Charles, you're named after a spaniel. 1374 01:18:46,160 --> 01:18:48,960 "Be very careful, they'll eat you alive." 1375 01:18:48,960 --> 01:18:51,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1376 01:18:55,960 --> 01:18:57,960 Oh, yes, he knows. 1377 01:18:57,960 --> 01:18:59,960 Cos he loves to insult people, doesn't he? 1378 01:18:59,960 --> 01:19:02,960 And his standard insult formula is X plus Y, 1379 01:19:02,960 --> 01:19:07,960 where X is the pejorative and Y is an animal or an insect. 1380 01:19:07,960 --> 01:19:09,960 "She is mad as a bedbug." 1381 01:19:11,960 --> 01:19:14,960 The difference with him now is that he will engage with that 1382 01:19:14,960 --> 01:19:17,960 as if it is a material fact. 1383 01:19:17,960 --> 01:19:20,960 "Kamala Harris, you cannot let her win this election. 1384 01:19:20,960 --> 01:19:21,960 "She's loopy as a moose, 1385 01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:24,960 "and you cannot let a moose run the United States. 1386 01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:26,640 "It would be so bad. 1387 01:19:26,640 --> 01:19:27,960 "They're terrible animals. 1388 01:19:27,960 --> 01:19:31,960 "I once saw a moose eat a hedgehog. It was disgusting." 1389 01:19:31,960 --> 01:19:34,480 LAUGHTER 1390 01:19:35,960 --> 01:19:36,960 "It's true, they..." 1391 01:19:38,960 --> 01:19:40,960 Obviously, he's had his own issues this year. 1392 01:19:40,960 --> 01:19:41,960 He had his own brush with death. 1393 01:19:41,960 --> 01:19:43,960 And watching him talk about that experience, 1394 01:19:43,960 --> 01:19:45,000 I think we all thought, 1395 01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:47,480 "Will this lead to some deeper reflection?" 1396 01:19:47,480 --> 01:19:48,960 I watched his first rally back. 1397 01:19:48,960 --> 01:19:52,960 And he goes, "I heard a whizzing sound go past my ear. 1398 01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:54,960 "I felt the pain, I put my hand in my ear. 1399 01:19:54,960 --> 01:19:56,960 "I looked down. There's blood everywhere. 1400 01:19:56,960 --> 01:19:58,960 "I looked down. My hand's covered in blood. 1401 01:19:58,960 --> 01:19:59,960 "They take me to the hospital. 1402 01:19:59,960 --> 01:20:02,960 "I said to the doctor, 'There's blood everywhere.' 1403 01:20:02,960 --> 01:20:05,960 "He said, 'Ears bleed more than any other part of the body, 1404 01:20:05,960 --> 01:20:07,960 " 'they're the bloodiest part. 1405 01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:09,800 " 'You cut your ear, it'll bleed everywhere.' 1406 01:20:09,800 --> 01:20:11,960 "So, we learn stuff." 1407 01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:14,320 LAUGHTER 1408 01:20:14,320 --> 01:20:15,960 APPLAUSE 1409 01:20:19,960 --> 01:20:22,960 I'm not sure that's what I would've learned from that experience. 1410 01:20:22,960 --> 01:20:24,960 But people are worried, aren't they? 1411 01:20:24,960 --> 01:20:26,960 People are worried that he's a fascist. 1412 01:20:26,960 --> 01:20:27,960 And you just think, 1413 01:20:27,960 --> 01:20:30,960 "Had any other fascist in history spoken like Trump, 1414 01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:31,960 "history would be very different." 1415 01:20:31,960 --> 01:20:33,960 Had Hitler spoken like Trump, 1416 01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:36,960 World War II would have gone a completely different way. 1417 01:20:36,960 --> 01:20:38,960 AS HITLER IN TRUMP'S VOICE: "And the Sudetenland, 1418 01:20:38,960 --> 01:20:41,960 "it's a total dump, by the way, it's a total dump, I may invade it. 1419 01:20:41,960 --> 01:20:43,640 "I probably will." 1420 01:20:43,640 --> 01:20:45,960 LAUGHTER 1421 01:20:47,960 --> 01:20:49,960 "But I want us to win. People want us to lose. 1422 01:20:49,960 --> 01:20:52,960 "We can't let the allies win, they're terrible people. 1423 01:20:52,960 --> 01:20:55,160 "People like Winston Churchill. 1424 01:20:55,160 --> 01:20:58,960 "You cannot let him win. That guy is crazy as a hamster. 1425 01:20:58,960 --> 01:21:01,320 "He lives in a little plastic house 1426 01:21:01,320 --> 01:21:03,960 "inside a cage full of wood chip, he's lost it. 1427 01:21:03,960 --> 01:21:05,960 "I sat next to him at a summit. 1428 01:21:05,960 --> 01:21:07,960 "He drank a bottle of water right above his head." 1429 01:21:07,960 --> 01:21:08,960 MIMICS GLUGGING 1430 01:21:08,960 --> 01:21:10,960 LAUGHTER 1431 01:21:11,960 --> 01:21:12,960 "But my friends said to me, 1432 01:21:12,960 --> 01:21:15,960 " 'if we lose and they come after you, they will, 1433 01:21:15,960 --> 01:21:17,960 " 'would you ever consider blowing your own brains out?' 1434 01:21:17,960 --> 01:21:18,960 "I said, 'No way. 1435 01:21:18,960 --> 01:21:22,960 " 'Because if I miss and hit my ear, there'll be blood everywhere.' " 1436 01:21:22,960 --> 01:21:24,960 LAUGHTER 1437 01:21:24,960 --> 01:21:26,960 APPLAUSE 1438 01:21:26,960 --> 01:21:29,960 Ladies and gentlemen, this has been a phenomenal privilege. 1439 01:21:29,960 --> 01:21:32,320 I'm Matt Forde. Thank you very much. Good night. 1440 01:21:32,320 --> 01:21:34,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1441 01:21:41,160 --> 01:21:44,960 We're all here tonight to support the Royal Variety Charity, 1442 01:21:44,960 --> 01:21:47,960 which has been going for over 100 years. 1443 01:21:47,960 --> 01:21:49,960 Yep. I was there from the very start. 1444 01:21:49,960 --> 01:21:50,960 LAUGHTER 1445 01:21:50,960 --> 01:21:53,960 Let's discover more about their work. 1446 01:21:53,960 --> 01:21:55,960 Well, good evening. 1447 01:21:55,960 --> 01:21:57,960 AMANDA: 'The Royal Variety Performance 1448 01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,960 'is the world's longest-running entertainment show. 1449 01:22:00,960 --> 01:22:03,960 'And since it began over 100 years ago, 1450 01:22:03,960 --> 01:22:06,960 'it's brought together the world's biggest stars, 1451 01:22:06,960 --> 01:22:10,480 'who perform each year for free to support the Royal Variety Charity. 1452 01:22:10,480 --> 01:22:12,320 Are you listening? "Yes." 1453 01:22:13,960 --> 01:22:15,960 ALAN: 'The curtain was first raised in 1912 1454 01:22:15,960 --> 01:22:18,960 'at the Palace Theatre London. 1455 01:22:18,960 --> 01:22:21,960 'King George V and Queen Mary attended the show, 1456 01:22:21,960 --> 01:22:25,160 'which was staged at a time when TV had yet to be invented.' 1457 01:22:29,960 --> 01:22:32,960 'Television cameras first arrived in 1960 1458 01:22:32,960 --> 01:22:35,960 'to film Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's attendance 1459 01:22:35,960 --> 01:22:38,960 'at the 33rd Royal Variety Performance.' 1460 01:22:38,960 --> 01:22:44,960 # When I fall in love 1461 01:22:44,960 --> 01:22:49,960 # It will be forever. # 1462 01:22:51,960 --> 01:22:56,960 'Queen Elizabeth II served as a patron for 70 years. 1463 01:22:56,960 --> 01:22:59,960 'And this year, His Majesty King Charles III 1464 01:22:59,960 --> 01:23:01,960 'continues that tradition 1465 01:23:01,960 --> 01:23:04,960 'by becoming the fourth reigning monarch to serve as patron 1466 01:23:04,960 --> 01:23:07,960 'of the Royal Variety Charity.' 1467 01:23:08,960 --> 01:23:12,960 'Whilst the show may shine a spotlight on those on stage, 1468 01:23:12,960 --> 01:23:14,960 'there's always an unsung army of workers 1469 01:23:14,960 --> 01:23:18,960 'behind the scenes that help bring every production to life.' 1470 01:23:18,960 --> 01:23:21,960 'A career in entertainment can come with instability. 1471 01:23:21,960 --> 01:23:23,960 'The vast majority working from job to job, 1472 01:23:23,960 --> 01:23:26,960 'often on a lower than average wage. 1473 01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:29,960 'Many spending long periods with no work at all. 1474 01:23:29,960 --> 01:23:33,960 'The Royal Variety Charity supports this workforce with grants 1475 01:23:33,960 --> 01:23:37,000 'to help during financial crises and illness. 1476 01:23:37,000 --> 01:23:39,960 'This year, it's also launched a new initiative 1477 01:23:39,960 --> 01:23:42,960 'to offer support for those struggling with their mental health, 1478 01:23:42,960 --> 01:23:45,800 'alongside caring for retired professionals 1479 01:23:45,800 --> 01:23:48,000 'at their residential care home, Brinsworth House. 1480 01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:50,960 'Professionals such as impressionist, comedian 1481 01:23:50,960 --> 01:23:54,960 'and former Royal Variety performer Mike Yarwood, who, 1482 01:23:54,960 --> 01:23:57,960 'after an illustrious career, found it very difficult to adjust 1483 01:23:57,960 --> 01:23:58,960 'to life offstage.' 1484 01:23:58,960 --> 01:24:01,960 Thank you so much. Good evening, ladies, gentleman, children. 1485 01:24:01,960 --> 01:24:04,960 Nice to see ya, to see ya... AUDIENCE: Nice. 1486 01:24:04,960 --> 01:24:06,640 Oh, what a wave of indifference that was. 1487 01:24:06,640 --> 01:24:07,960 All right, my love? 1488 01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:10,000 He was just... 1489 01:24:11,960 --> 01:24:17,960 finding... finding his days quite difficult in terms of, erm, 1490 01:24:17,960 --> 01:24:20,960 being... feeling a bit isolated, I think. 1491 01:24:20,960 --> 01:24:23,800 He'd reached a point where he was quite fragile, 1492 01:24:23,800 --> 01:24:27,960 and he needed a little bit more than his family could give. 1493 01:24:27,960 --> 01:24:30,960 And that, for me, 1494 01:24:30,960 --> 01:24:35,960 is where he then found some peace later in life at Brinsworth House. 1495 01:24:35,960 --> 01:24:37,960 The last three years of his life were spent there. 1496 01:24:37,960 --> 01:24:41,960 VOICE CRACKS: And the reason I get a bit emotional 1497 01:24:41,960 --> 01:24:46,800 is because it is emotional to think that he gave something 1498 01:24:46,800 --> 01:24:49,800 and then received something back, ultimately. 1499 01:24:49,800 --> 01:24:50,960 It's really quite lovely. 1500 01:24:50,960 --> 01:24:52,960 To be amongst people that understood him 1501 01:24:52,960 --> 01:24:58,320 and that he could share memories of the business, show business, with 1502 01:24:58,320 --> 01:25:01,800 was a gift to him, actually. 1503 01:25:01,800 --> 01:25:08,480 So, lovely that that's how our family story sort of ended. 1504 01:25:10,960 --> 01:25:12,960 AMANDA: 'The Royal Variety Performance 1505 01:25:12,960 --> 01:25:16,960 'is the main fundraising event for the Royal Variety Charity.' 1506 01:25:16,960 --> 01:25:20,160 ALAN: 'Tonight, we come together to help those across the UK 1507 01:25:20,160 --> 01:25:22,960 'who devote their lives to entertaining others.' 1508 01:25:22,960 --> 01:25:25,960 'If you need assistance, would like to support, 1509 01:25:25,960 --> 01:25:28,320 'or require further information about the charity, 1510 01:25:28,320 --> 01:25:33,160 'please go to www.royalvarietycharity.org.' 1511 01:25:33,160 --> 01:25:35,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1512 01:25:37,960 --> 01:25:41,960 Now, let's turn our attention to something very flamboyant, 1513 01:25:41,960 --> 01:25:44,960 extremely camp, and massive. 1514 01:25:44,960 --> 01:25:45,960 I can hear you. 1515 01:25:45,960 --> 01:25:47,800 LAUGHTER 1516 01:25:47,800 --> 01:25:50,320 Alan, I'm talking about the Eurovision Song Contest. 1517 01:25:50,320 --> 01:25:52,960 But, you know, if the cap fits. 1518 01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:54,960 Please, would you welcome to the stage, 1519 01:25:54,960 --> 01:25:58,960 the winner of Eurovision 2024 all the way from Switzerland 1520 01:25:58,960 --> 01:26:03,160 with their brand-new single Eurostar, it's the fabulous Nemo. 1521 01:26:03,160 --> 01:26:05,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1522 01:26:06,960 --> 01:26:11,960 # Meet me in the lobby I've been up for 24 1523 01:26:11,960 --> 01:26:14,960 # I wanna dance, I wanna party 1524 01:26:14,960 --> 01:26:17,960 # Do it like no-one before 1525 01:26:17,960 --> 01:26:20,960 # I took the Eurostar from Paris 1526 01:26:20,960 --> 01:26:23,960 # And you know what I came for 1527 01:26:23,960 --> 01:26:28,960 # I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before 1528 01:26:30,960 --> 01:26:36,000 # I'm that hottie in the lobby Taking cute pictures 1529 01:26:36,000 --> 01:26:37,960 # Sweet and twisted 1530 01:26:37,960 --> 01:26:41,320 # Come and kiss This cherry-red lipstick 1531 01:26:42,480 --> 01:26:47,960 # I'll call Dodo, clear my wardrobe Want it all princess 1532 01:26:47,960 --> 01:26:49,960 # I'm so pop queen 1533 01:26:49,960 --> 01:26:53,960 # Everyone's watching Screaming, "Who is this?" 1534 01:26:53,960 --> 01:26:59,960 # If I do one thing right It's running this whole damn night 1535 01:26:59,960 --> 01:27:04,960 # Baby, don't kill my light 1536 01:27:04,960 --> 01:27:08,960 # Meet me in the lobby I've been up for 24 1537 01:27:08,960 --> 01:27:12,960 # I wanna dance, I wanna party 1538 01:27:12,960 --> 01:27:15,800 # Do it like no-one before 1539 01:27:15,800 --> 01:27:20,960 # I took the Eurostar from Paris And you know what I came for 1540 01:27:20,960 --> 01:27:26,960 # I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before 1541 01:27:28,960 --> 01:27:33,960 # Rose-gold night dress Oh-so timeless, call me Grace Kelly 1542 01:27:33,960 --> 01:27:36,960 # Bathed in white wine Looking so fine 1543 01:27:36,960 --> 01:27:38,960 # My, haven't you met me? 1544 01:27:40,160 --> 01:27:42,960 # Life's too short To ever get bored 1545 01:27:42,960 --> 01:27:45,960 # I wanna get messy 1546 01:27:45,960 --> 01:27:49,960 # Touch up at the bus stop I know you love it when I'm up 1547 01:27:50,960 --> 01:27:57,480 # Hey! If I do one thing right It's running this whole damn night 1548 01:27:57,480 --> 01:28:02,960 # Baby, don't kill my light 1549 01:28:02,960 --> 01:28:07,960 # Meet me in the lobby I've been up for 24 1550 01:28:07,960 --> 01:28:12,960 # I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before 1551 01:28:12,960 --> 01:28:18,960 # I took the Eurostar from Paris And you know what I came for 1552 01:28:18,960 --> 01:28:24,960 # I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before 1553 01:28:29,960 --> 01:28:31,800 # Yeah, yeah, yeah 1554 01:28:34,960 --> 01:28:39,960 # Oh, oh, oh 1555 01:28:39,960 --> 01:28:41,960 # Oh, oh 1556 01:28:41,960 --> 01:28:47,960 # I took the Eurostar from Paris And you know what I came for. # 1557 01:28:49,960 --> 01:28:53,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1558 01:28:53,960 --> 01:28:55,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: When we return, an eye-catching number 1559 01:28:55,960 --> 01:28:59,320 from Sir Elton John's new musical, The Devil Wears Prada. 1560 01:29:06,640 --> 01:29:09,960 APPLAUSE 1561 01:29:11,960 --> 01:29:14,960 This next comic is an award-winning stand-up 1562 01:29:14,960 --> 01:29:17,960 who's appeared on Live At The Apollo, Mock The Week, 1563 01:29:17,960 --> 01:29:19,480 and The Stand Up Sketch Show. 1564 01:29:19,480 --> 01:29:21,960 Please give a big hand to Larry Dean. 1565 01:29:21,960 --> 01:29:24,960 # I've been runnin' through This strange life 1566 01:29:24,960 --> 01:29:26,960 # Chasin' all them green lights 1567 01:29:26,960 --> 01:29:29,480 # Throwin' out the shade For a little bit of sunshine. # 1568 01:29:29,480 --> 01:29:31,960 APPLAUSE Thank you very much. 1569 01:29:31,960 --> 01:29:34,320 That wasn't the accent you were expecting, was it? 1570 01:29:34,320 --> 01:29:35,960 LAUGHTER 1571 01:29:35,960 --> 01:29:37,960 This is the thing, though, having a Scottish accent... 1572 01:29:37,960 --> 01:29:39,960 I generally, usually, when I'm onstage, 1573 01:29:39,960 --> 01:29:41,960 I want to go on and pretend 1574 01:29:41,960 --> 01:29:43,960 I'm one of those cool American comics. 1575 01:29:43,960 --> 01:29:45,960 AMERICAN ACCENT: When they come on and they talk, 1576 01:29:45,960 --> 01:29:48,960 like, it's a very smiley accent, and it just seems so positive. 1577 01:29:48,960 --> 01:29:50,960 And let's face it, when you go to Scottish... 1578 01:29:50,960 --> 01:29:53,960 NORMAL VOICE: ..everything gets a bit more negative, doesn't it? 1579 01:29:53,960 --> 01:29:54,960 LAUGHTER 1580 01:29:55,960 --> 01:29:58,960 Have you noticed that Scottish is the only accent 1581 01:29:58,960 --> 01:29:59,960 that doesn't suit smiling? 1582 01:29:59,960 --> 01:30:01,960 LAUGHTER 1583 01:30:01,960 --> 01:30:03,960 Every other accent, you can smile when you're talking. 1584 01:30:03,960 --> 01:30:06,960 AMERICAN ACCENT: American, they have to smile when they're talking. 1585 01:30:06,960 --> 01:30:08,960 ENGLISH ACCENT: And English people, right? 1586 01:30:08,960 --> 01:30:11,960 You can smile when you're talking, and it's not weird. 1587 01:30:11,960 --> 01:30:14,320 If anything, it suits you. Hello. 1588 01:30:15,800 --> 01:30:16,960 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Australians as well. 1589 01:30:16,960 --> 01:30:18,800 They can smile when they talk, 1590 01:30:18,800 --> 01:30:21,640 but they can only do it on one side of the face. 1591 01:30:21,640 --> 01:30:23,960 Even Australian faces are right-wing. 1592 01:30:23,960 --> 01:30:25,160 All right, mate. 1593 01:30:27,800 --> 01:30:29,160 NORMAL VOICE: Problem I've noticed, though, 1594 01:30:29,160 --> 01:30:31,960 is if you smile with a Scottish accent... 1595 01:30:31,960 --> 01:30:34,960 LAUGHTER 1596 01:30:34,960 --> 01:30:37,480 ..someone's getting stabbed. 1597 01:30:37,480 --> 01:30:38,960 LAUGHTER 1598 01:30:41,960 --> 01:30:43,960 I think the reason, though, right, 1599 01:30:43,960 --> 01:30:45,960 the American accent is the most positive one, 1600 01:30:45,960 --> 01:30:47,960 is because they've got hero culture. 1601 01:30:47,960 --> 01:30:48,960 They look up to people like... 1602 01:30:48,960 --> 01:30:51,800 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, that guy's my hero, oh, my God." 1603 01:30:51,800 --> 01:30:55,960 NORMAL VOICE: In the UK, we have legend culture. 1604 01:30:55,960 --> 01:30:58,160 And the difference between a legend and a hero 1605 01:30:58,160 --> 01:30:59,960 isn't that much in the dictionary, 1606 01:30:59,960 --> 01:31:03,320 but in our culture, if I said to you guys, 1607 01:31:03,320 --> 01:31:05,960 "Oh, guys, my mate Jordan's coming tonight. 1608 01:31:05,960 --> 01:31:08,000 "Total legend." 1609 01:31:08,000 --> 01:31:09,960 Nobody in this room would be like, 1610 01:31:09,960 --> 01:31:13,640 "Oh, wow, we're gonna be really inspired by your friend Jordan." 1611 01:31:13,640 --> 01:31:15,960 The information you take from that is, 1612 01:31:15,960 --> 01:31:18,960 "Oh, Jordan's got an alcohol problem, good to know." 1613 01:31:18,960 --> 01:31:20,960 LAUGHTER 1614 01:31:20,960 --> 01:31:23,960 But when it comes to accents, my accent is a bit weird, right? 1615 01:31:23,960 --> 01:31:26,000 Cos I'm from Glasgow, but I'm from a mixed family. 1616 01:31:26,000 --> 01:31:29,960 Well, as in my mum is middle class, 1617 01:31:29,960 --> 01:31:31,160 and my dad is working class. 1618 01:31:31,160 --> 01:31:33,960 So I've got, like, a hybrid accent. 1619 01:31:33,960 --> 01:31:37,960 I got raised working class in a middle-class household. 1620 01:31:37,960 --> 01:31:40,960 Basically, we had a cleaner, but we stole from her. 1621 01:31:40,960 --> 01:31:42,960 LAUGHTER 1622 01:31:44,960 --> 01:31:46,960 But my partner, he's from... 1623 01:31:46,960 --> 01:31:48,960 Well, he's a he, so he's gay. Ooh, and, er, well... 1624 01:31:48,960 --> 01:31:51,960 LAUGHTER 1625 01:31:51,960 --> 01:31:53,960 I didn't know he was gay before we started going out. 1626 01:31:56,800 --> 01:31:59,000 Actually, my exes were all gay as well, I think I've got a type. 1627 01:31:59,000 --> 01:32:01,960 LAUGHTER 1628 01:32:01,960 --> 01:32:04,960 But this one I actually think's always gonna work cos of how we met. 1629 01:32:04,960 --> 01:32:06,960 Basically, I've always known my now partner, 1630 01:32:06,960 --> 01:32:08,960 and I've always had a crush on him. 1631 01:32:08,960 --> 01:32:10,960 His name's Mikey and I've always liked him. 1632 01:32:10,960 --> 01:32:14,960 And then randomly, Mikey told me that he's always had a crush on me. 1633 01:32:14,960 --> 01:32:17,320 And I was like, "Oh, really? Cool. Bit creepy." 1634 01:32:20,960 --> 01:32:23,960 He's actually not even Scottish. He's from Birmingham. 1635 01:32:23,960 --> 01:32:25,960 SCATTERED CHEERING 1636 01:32:25,960 --> 01:32:27,960 Rarely gets a cheer, to be honest. 1637 01:32:28,960 --> 01:32:32,800 It's not, like, a sexy accent. Let's be honest. 1638 01:32:32,800 --> 01:32:34,960 And no offense, right, I'm not being hypocritical when I say it. 1639 01:32:34,960 --> 01:32:38,960 Cos I don't think Scottish is sexy either. 1640 01:32:40,160 --> 01:32:42,960 But the Birmingham accent's even worse, so we don't flirt. 1641 01:32:42,960 --> 01:32:44,960 It'd be too weird, me going, 1642 01:32:44,960 --> 01:32:47,960 "Oh, fancy coming back to mine tonight, Mikey?" 1643 01:32:47,960 --> 01:32:49,960 BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: "Oh, that'd be great." 1644 01:32:49,960 --> 01:32:51,480 LAUGHTER 1645 01:32:51,480 --> 01:32:53,960 "Ooh, that'd be loov-er-ley." 1646 01:32:53,960 --> 01:32:55,960 LAUGHTER 1647 01:32:55,960 --> 01:32:58,960 Always sounds like he's deflating. 1648 01:33:03,320 --> 01:33:05,960 Although, it's a relaxing accent, the Birmingham accent, 1649 01:33:05,960 --> 01:33:06,960 it sounds like whale song. 1650 01:33:06,960 --> 01:33:09,960 PROLONGUED MOAN 1651 01:33:11,960 --> 01:33:12,960 Now, the way we actually met 1652 01:33:12,960 --> 01:33:17,960 is we met on an online fan page for Elvis when we were kids. 1653 01:33:17,960 --> 01:33:19,480 That's how me and my partner met. 1654 01:33:19,480 --> 01:33:21,960 And I know it's quite a weird way of meeting somebody. 1655 01:33:21,960 --> 01:33:26,960 But he did say to me, he was like, "Oh, lovey, we met through Elvis. 1656 01:33:26,960 --> 01:33:30,960 "So we should go and live in the southern states of America." 1657 01:33:31,960 --> 01:33:34,960 I was like, "I don't think that's a good idea." 1658 01:33:34,960 --> 01:33:37,960 Can you imagine us turning up and them being like, 1659 01:33:37,960 --> 01:33:40,960 "What? Are you two boys brothers? 1660 01:33:43,960 --> 01:33:46,160 "You sure are spending a lot of time together." 1661 01:33:48,960 --> 01:33:51,960 "Oh, you're cousins, that's OK. We quite like that down here." 1662 01:33:55,320 --> 01:33:56,960 Nothing against the Bible belt. 1663 01:33:56,960 --> 01:33:58,960 I'm not religious, but I'd say, if anything, 1664 01:33:58,960 --> 01:34:00,960 when it comes to religion, I'm agnostic. 1665 01:34:00,960 --> 01:34:03,960 You know, I believe in God when I'm on a plane. 1666 01:34:05,480 --> 01:34:07,000 LAUGHTER 1667 01:34:07,000 --> 01:34:08,960 I think that's when we all get a bit religious. 1668 01:34:08,960 --> 01:34:11,960 You know, when there's turbulence and you're like, "OK, God, 1669 01:34:11,960 --> 01:34:13,640 "I know I have not been to church in ages, 1670 01:34:13,640 --> 01:34:15,160 "but please don't let me die this way, 1671 01:34:15,160 --> 01:34:17,960 "and I promise you I will go to church every single week." 1672 01:34:17,960 --> 01:34:20,960 And then the arrogance kicks in, cos as soon as you land, 1673 01:34:20,960 --> 01:34:23,960 you're like, "Huh, I can't believe you fell for that, to be honest." 1674 01:34:23,960 --> 01:34:25,960 LAUGHTER 1675 01:34:25,960 --> 01:34:28,960 You know what it is about flying? The thing that makes me calmer 1676 01:34:28,960 --> 01:34:32,960 is when the pilot talks before take-off... 1677 01:34:32,960 --> 01:34:33,960 if they're posh. 1678 01:34:35,960 --> 01:34:38,960 I'm all for equal opportunities, but working-class pilots... 1679 01:34:38,960 --> 01:34:40,960 no, thanks. 1680 01:34:40,960 --> 01:34:41,960 I'll get the next one. 1681 01:34:43,800 --> 01:34:45,960 I think the trick is the pilot has to sound 1682 01:34:45,960 --> 01:34:48,960 like they've just taken a step too quickly when they're talking. 1683 01:34:48,960 --> 01:34:52,960 So it's like, "Good... evening, ladies and gentlemen." 1684 01:34:56,800 --> 01:35:01,800 I don't know about you, but I never, ever, ever want to hear... 1685 01:35:01,800 --> 01:35:03,960 " 'Ello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the plane. 1686 01:35:05,160 --> 01:35:06,960 "I'm your Captain. 1687 01:35:06,960 --> 01:35:09,960 "I'll be flying you today at 40,000 feet. 1688 01:35:09,960 --> 01:35:12,640 "Well, not just me, you got your co-pilot as well. 1689 01:35:12,640 --> 01:35:14,000 "Oh, mate, I just met him, he's a total legend. 1690 01:35:14,000 --> 01:35:15,960 "You guys are gonna love him." 1691 01:35:15,960 --> 01:35:18,800 LAUGHTER 1692 01:35:19,960 --> 01:35:21,960 Folks, you've been absolutely brilliant. 1693 01:35:21,960 --> 01:35:23,960 I've been Larry Dean. Enjoy your night. Thank you. 1694 01:35:23,960 --> 01:35:25,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1695 01:35:32,960 --> 01:35:34,000 Ladies and gentlemen, 1696 01:35:34,000 --> 01:35:36,960 we are very excited to welcome to the stage 1697 01:35:36,960 --> 01:35:39,960 Sir Elton John and David Furnish. 1698 01:35:39,960 --> 01:35:43,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1699 01:35:43,800 --> 01:35:45,960 It's been a long time since I came out of the closet. 1700 01:35:45,960 --> 01:35:46,960 LAUGHTER 1701 01:35:46,960 --> 01:35:48,960 Whoo! 1702 01:35:48,960 --> 01:35:52,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1703 01:35:53,960 --> 01:35:57,960 Based on the best-selling memoir by Lauren Weisberger, 1704 01:35:57,960 --> 01:36:01,960 The Devil Wears Prada is a Faustian tale about Andy Sachs, 1705 01:36:01,960 --> 01:36:04,960 an aspiring journalist with zero style, 1706 01:36:04,960 --> 01:36:08,960 who finds herself working at Runway Magazine as an assistant 1707 01:36:08,960 --> 01:36:13,960 to the notoriously ruthless editor-in-chief, Miranda Priestly. 1708 01:36:13,960 --> 01:36:16,960 God, Miranda Priestly, I hear she's a real cow. 1709 01:36:16,960 --> 01:36:17,960 Oh. 1710 01:36:18,960 --> 01:36:21,480 Oh, Hi, Miranda. 1711 01:36:21,480 --> 01:36:25,960 Sparkly shoes, over-the-top blazer, signature sunglasses... 1712 01:36:25,960 --> 01:36:26,960 ground-breaking (!) 1713 01:36:26,960 --> 01:36:29,960 Obviously, you have no sense of style or fashion. 1714 01:36:29,960 --> 01:36:31,960 Well, that depends on... 1715 01:36:31,960 --> 01:36:34,000 No, no. That wasn't a question. 1716 01:36:34,000 --> 01:36:36,480 AUDIENCE LAUGH, MUSIC STARTS 1717 01:36:39,960 --> 01:36:40,960 That's all. 1718 01:36:40,960 --> 01:36:43,960 Well... the bitch is back. 1719 01:36:43,960 --> 01:36:46,960 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 1720 01:36:50,960 --> 01:36:53,480 Wow. Nigel, that was brutal. 1721 01:36:53,480 --> 01:36:55,320 That's fashion, baby. 1722 01:36:55,320 --> 01:36:57,160 Even Sir Elton John isn't safe, 1723 01:36:57,160 --> 01:37:01,960 and judging by your outfit, neither are you. 1724 01:37:01,960 --> 01:37:03,960 Nigel, I'm not gonna be working in fashion forever. 1725 01:37:03,960 --> 01:37:06,960 Mm-hm. Miranda hired me. 1726 01:37:06,960 --> 01:37:08,960 She knows what I look like. 1727 01:37:09,960 --> 01:37:11,320 Do you? 1728 01:37:12,960 --> 01:37:15,960 # You think fashion Is shallow and vapid 1729 01:37:15,960 --> 01:37:18,800 # A superficial path 1730 01:37:18,800 --> 01:37:22,960 # I mean, your clothes, your hair You don't care what you wear 1731 01:37:22,960 --> 01:37:24,960 # You just wanna teach High school math... # 1732 01:37:24,960 --> 01:37:26,160 Or be a writer. 1733 01:37:26,160 --> 01:37:29,960 # It doesn't matter What road you walk 1734 01:37:29,960 --> 01:37:32,960 # Someone's gonna see your shoes 1735 01:37:32,960 --> 01:37:36,960 # You can dress to connect Set the mood, show respect 1736 01:37:36,960 --> 01:37:39,960 # Or you can, of course, refuse... # 1737 01:37:39,960 --> 01:37:40,960 Oh, no, I didn't say that. 1738 01:37:40,960 --> 01:37:43,640 # You're winding Like you're looking for advice 1739 01:37:43,640 --> 01:37:46,960 # If you want mine 1740 01:37:46,960 --> 01:37:53,960 # I'll tell you miracles can happen When your soul and style combine 1741 01:37:53,960 --> 01:37:54,960 # Bottom line 1742 01:37:54,960 --> 01:37:58,800 # If you wanna go far Dress your way up 1743 01:37:58,800 --> 01:38:01,960 # You wanna prove who you are Dress your way up 1744 01:38:01,960 --> 01:38:05,960 # You wanna get your view Dress your way up 1745 01:38:05,960 --> 01:38:09,960 # Do it for you, dress your way up 1746 01:38:09,960 --> 01:38:15,960 # You can call it vanity Well, I say it's taking pride 1747 01:38:16,960 --> 01:38:23,640 # I say dress your way up, up, up And show us who you are inside... # 1748 01:38:25,960 --> 01:38:27,960 You're right. I know. 1749 01:38:27,960 --> 01:38:32,960 Nigel, could you give me, like, a mini makeover? 1750 01:38:32,960 --> 01:38:34,960 A mini makeover? 1751 01:38:34,960 --> 01:38:37,160 Honey, you're Extreme Makeover, Home Edition. 1752 01:38:38,960 --> 01:38:41,960 # You need Gucci Like you need air... # 1753 01:38:41,960 --> 01:38:42,960 Yes! 1754 01:38:42,960 --> 01:38:44,480 # Plus a little Cartier... # 1755 01:38:44,480 --> 01:38:45,960 Whoo! I like that. 1756 01:38:45,960 --> 01:38:46,960 # Some Loewe suede... # 1757 01:38:46,960 --> 01:38:48,960 Here, this is handmade. Oh. 1758 01:38:48,960 --> 01:38:52,960 # Anything I say - obey... # OK. 1759 01:38:52,960 --> 01:38:56,960 # If you can't judge a book By its cover 1760 01:38:56,960 --> 01:38:59,320 # No-one's ever gonna read it 1761 01:38:59,320 --> 01:39:03,800 # If you're so damn smart Then start looking the part 1762 01:39:03,800 --> 01:39:06,960 # Lord knows, you're gonna need it 1763 01:39:06,960 --> 01:39:11,960 # Get in there, it's urgent Don't emerge until you look pristine 1764 01:39:12,960 --> 01:39:15,960 # Get ready There'll be buttons and braces 1765 01:39:15,960 --> 01:39:19,160 # And zippers In places you've never seen 1766 01:39:19,160 --> 01:39:21,960 # And if you need help - scream! 1767 01:39:21,960 --> 01:39:24,960 # You wanna get yours Dress your way up 1768 01:39:24,960 --> 01:39:28,960 # You wanna open doors Dress your way up 1769 01:39:28,960 --> 01:39:32,160 # You want an ego boost Dress your way up 1770 01:39:32,160 --> 01:39:36,480 # You want to get introduced Dress your way up 1771 01:39:36,480 --> 01:39:42,320 # Show them you are tailor-made And get ahead of the pack 1772 01:39:42,320 --> 01:39:46,960 # Oh, darling Dress your way up, up, up 1773 01:39:46,960 --> 01:39:50,320 # But never, never, never look back 1774 01:39:50,320 --> 01:39:56,160 # When Nigel's in charge He'll make you perfection 1775 01:39:56,160 --> 01:39:57,960 # Oh, oh! 1776 01:39:57,960 --> 01:40:02,960 # You'll lose your mind When you see your reflection 1777 01:40:02,960 --> 01:40:04,960 # Your reflection, oh! 1778 01:40:04,960 --> 01:40:08,960 # He can flip a four into a ten A ten 1779 01:40:08,960 --> 01:40:11,960 # Turn your army cousin into Ken 1780 01:40:11,960 --> 01:40:15,960 # He can read your closets Better look inside of them 1781 01:40:15,960 --> 01:40:19,960 # If you get the chance He'll change your life 1782 01:40:19,960 --> 01:40:22,480 # With some Chanel 1783 01:40:24,960 --> 01:40:28,960 # Yeah Yeah 1784 01:40:30,960 --> 01:40:32,960 # Dress, dress your way up 1785 01:40:32,960 --> 01:40:35,960 # She was his inspirator 1786 01:40:35,960 --> 01:40:38,960 # You wanna go far Dress your way up 1787 01:40:38,960 --> 01:40:42,960 # You wanna prove who you are Dress your way up 1788 01:40:42,960 --> 01:40:46,320 # You wanna self-actualise Dress your way up 1789 01:40:46,320 --> 01:40:49,960 # You want your star to rise Dress your way up 1790 01:40:49,960 --> 01:40:53,960 # You wanna make your name Dress your way up 1791 01:40:53,960 --> 01:40:56,960 # You wanna change the game Dress your way up 1792 01:40:56,960 --> 01:40:59,640 # You wanna reach higher ground 1793 01:40:59,640 --> 01:41:04,000 # Dress your way up You wanna be renowned 1794 01:41:04,000 --> 01:41:10,960 # Show them you are tailor-made To get ahead of the pack 1795 01:41:10,960 --> 01:41:11,960 # Oh, oh, oh 1796 01:41:11,960 --> 01:41:15,960 # Cos I'll be dressing Way up, up, up 1797 01:41:15,960 --> 01:41:21,960 # Darling, dress your way up, up, up 1798 01:41:21,960 --> 01:41:24,480 # And never, never, never 1799 01:41:24,480 --> 01:41:26,960 # Never, never, never 1800 01:41:26,960 --> 01:41:29,480 # Never, never, never look back! # 1801 01:41:30,960 --> 01:41:33,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1802 01:41:44,960 --> 01:41:47,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: Stay tuned for an exquisite performance 1803 01:41:47,960 --> 01:41:50,960 from English National Ballet and a rousing finale. 1804 01:41:57,960 --> 01:42:01,960 APPLAUSE 1805 01:42:03,960 --> 01:42:06,960 It is a thrill for us now to introduce an act 1806 01:42:06,960 --> 01:42:08,960 that has achieved the legendary title 1807 01:42:08,960 --> 01:42:11,960 of the longest-running headline act in Vegas. 1808 01:42:11,960 --> 01:42:14,960 Their dazzling blend of magic and comedy 1809 01:42:14,960 --> 01:42:16,960 has entertained audiences around the world 1810 01:42:16,960 --> 01:42:20,640 for nearly 50 years, and incredibly, next year, 1811 01:42:20,640 --> 01:42:22,960 these lifelong friends will be starring 1812 01:42:22,960 --> 01:42:25,960 in their first ever West End run. 1813 01:42:25,960 --> 01:42:26,960 Joined by... 1814 01:42:26,960 --> 01:42:28,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, it is amazing. 1815 01:42:28,960 --> 01:42:30,960 Joined by Vanessa Williams, 1816 01:42:30,960 --> 01:42:32,960 it's the one and only Penn and Teller. 1817 01:42:32,960 --> 01:42:34,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1818 01:42:37,480 --> 01:42:40,960 # Oh, no, oh 1819 01:42:40,960 --> 01:42:42,960 # Nothing's gonna bring me down. # 1820 01:42:44,960 --> 01:42:46,640 Oh, Vanessa, this is a thrill, isn't it? 1821 01:42:46,640 --> 01:42:48,480 It is a thrill. Royal Albert Hall, here we are. 1822 01:42:48,480 --> 01:42:49,800 Gorgeous. 1823 01:42:49,800 --> 01:42:51,800 You're gonna remember this the rest of your life. 1824 01:42:51,800 --> 01:42:53,960 Onstage with Penn and Teller... Yes. 1825 01:42:53,960 --> 01:42:58,960 ..at the huge Royal Variety Show. 1826 01:42:58,960 --> 01:42:59,960 You really need a souvenir. 1827 01:42:59,960 --> 01:43:00,960 I do. Yeah, you do. 1828 01:43:00,960 --> 01:43:03,960 We think she should have a souvenir, so we brought our whole gift shop. 1829 01:43:03,960 --> 01:43:05,960 Oh, cool! Anything here you'd like. 1830 01:43:05,960 --> 01:43:08,800 We have magic sets. We have programmes. 1831 01:43:08,800 --> 01:43:10,960 We have bobblehead dolls. We have... 1832 01:43:10,960 --> 01:43:11,960 I want a bobblehead. 1833 01:43:11,960 --> 01:43:13,960 Bobblehead doll, you'll remember that forever! 1834 01:43:13,960 --> 01:43:15,160 Yes. Bobblehead doll. 1835 01:43:15,160 --> 01:43:16,960 Tell her put that in the case. 1836 01:43:16,960 --> 01:43:19,000 And then we'll just need your, um... your credit card. 1837 01:43:19,000 --> 01:43:20,960 But I thought it was a gift. 1838 01:43:20,960 --> 01:43:23,960 No, I didn't say "gift". I said "a souvenir to remember". 1839 01:43:23,960 --> 01:43:26,320 Didn't he say "gift"? I think you have a credit card with you... 1840 01:43:26,320 --> 01:43:28,320 I do have my credit card. Yeah, pretty much... 1841 01:43:28,320 --> 01:43:29,960 OK, here's my credit card. I'll just take that. 1842 01:43:29,960 --> 01:43:32,960 OK. And we'll just... It's very reasonably priced. 1843 01:43:32,960 --> 01:43:36,000 We'll just slide this right in here. And here you go, uh... 1844 01:43:36,000 --> 01:43:38,000 MACHINE BEEPS Uh, yes. 1845 01:43:38,000 --> 01:43:40,960 Reasonable? It's gonna take a second. 1846 01:43:40,960 --> 01:43:42,960 Went through, went right through. 1847 01:43:42,960 --> 01:43:44,480 There we go. Let's hope. 1848 01:43:44,480 --> 01:43:45,960 And we've also got... 1849 01:43:45,960 --> 01:43:48,960 Besides that, we've also got a magic trick for you here. 1850 01:43:48,960 --> 01:43:49,960 Oh, thank you! 1851 01:43:49,960 --> 01:43:52,960 Just take your credit card here, a little thing for you. Yes. 1852 01:43:52,960 --> 01:43:54,640 Teller just... 1853 01:43:55,960 --> 01:43:57,960 Oh. And it's vanished, all charges. 1854 01:43:57,960 --> 01:44:00,960 Where is my credit card? APPLAUSE 1855 01:44:00,960 --> 01:44:02,960 This trick is a standard in magic 1856 01:44:02,960 --> 01:44:05,960 called "object to impossible location". 1857 01:44:05,960 --> 01:44:08,960 And the object we chose was your credit card. Yes. 1858 01:44:08,960 --> 01:44:12,160 And the impossible location - you've been holding it in your hand. 1859 01:44:12,160 --> 01:44:16,960 Your credit card has now appeared inside the bag you're holding. 1860 01:44:16,960 --> 01:44:17,960 Reach in there. 1861 01:44:17,960 --> 01:44:19,960 Beside the bobblehead doll, there's one other thing. 1862 01:44:19,960 --> 01:44:22,960 Reach in there, pull that out, and there will be your credit card. 1863 01:44:22,960 --> 01:44:24,960 What have you got there, Vanessa? 1864 01:44:24,960 --> 01:44:29,320 I've got a crinkled water bottle. Hm... That's... 1865 01:44:29,320 --> 01:44:32,960 That's an empty, crushed... water bottle? 1866 01:44:32,960 --> 01:44:34,960 Yes. That... 1867 01:44:34,960 --> 01:44:37,800 is trash, Vanessa. It is trash. 1868 01:44:37,800 --> 01:44:38,960 But, you know, Vanessa, 1869 01:44:38,960 --> 01:44:40,960 in the magic world of Penn and Teller... 1870 01:44:41,960 --> 01:44:44,960 ..if the trash is where the credit card should be, 1871 01:44:44,960 --> 01:44:50,960 maybe, just maybe, the credit card is where the trash should be. 1872 01:44:50,960 --> 01:44:52,160 Vanessa. Yes? 1873 01:44:52,160 --> 01:44:55,960 Since before we came out onstage, 1874 01:44:55,960 --> 01:44:59,960 that trash can has been clearly and plainly in view. 1875 01:44:59,960 --> 01:45:02,960 Yes. As you can see, it is locked shut. 1876 01:45:02,960 --> 01:45:05,960 Why is it locked shut, Vanessa? Uh... 1877 01:45:05,960 --> 01:45:07,960 Racoons! Raccoons. Of course. 1878 01:45:07,960 --> 01:45:08,960 Open it up. It'll open. 1879 01:45:08,960 --> 01:45:10,960 Here we go. There you go. 1880 01:45:10,960 --> 01:45:12,960 And just let that drop to the floor, all that. 1881 01:45:12,960 --> 01:45:15,160 Take the top off there. Just drop the lock. 1882 01:45:15,160 --> 01:45:17,960 Drop the lock. Now, what's in there? 1883 01:45:17,960 --> 01:45:19,960 Garbage! Trash. Yeah, trash. This is trash. 1884 01:45:19,960 --> 01:45:21,960 Yeah, let me just pull the trash out of here. 1885 01:45:23,480 --> 01:45:24,960 Oh, yeah. Oh, there's Christmas trash. 1886 01:45:24,960 --> 01:45:26,960 That's really nice. Mm-hm. 1887 01:45:26,960 --> 01:45:29,960 Oh, look at this, look at this. We have royal trash here. 1888 01:45:29,960 --> 01:45:31,960 Mm-hm. Very, very classy. 1889 01:45:31,960 --> 01:45:33,960 That's a Christmas pudding right there for you. 1890 01:45:33,960 --> 01:45:36,960 We got... OK. Oh, there's lights, everything. 1891 01:45:36,960 --> 01:45:39,960 What else is in there, Vanessa? Another trash bin? 1892 01:45:39,960 --> 01:45:41,960 Another trash bin. Pull the trash can out. 1893 01:45:41,960 --> 01:45:43,960 Bring it over here, Vanessa. SHE GRUNTS 1894 01:45:43,960 --> 01:45:46,960 Set it right down there. Now, why is that chained shut? 1895 01:45:46,960 --> 01:45:47,960 Raccoons? Raccoons, yeah. 1896 01:45:47,960 --> 01:45:49,960 Open it up. Open it up. LAUGHTER 1897 01:45:49,960 --> 01:45:54,960 OK. There we go. Just throw that stuff on the ground. 1898 01:45:54,960 --> 01:45:57,960 What's inside there, Vanessa? More trash. 1899 01:45:57,960 --> 01:46:00,960 Aw, racoons! Raccoons. Racoons, yes. 1900 01:46:00,960 --> 01:46:01,960 And what else is in there? 1901 01:46:01,960 --> 01:46:03,960 Another trash... Yeah. Pull it over here. 1902 01:46:03,960 --> 01:46:07,960 Just put it right over here. Open that. Why's that chained shut? 1903 01:46:07,960 --> 01:46:09,960 Raccoons? Racoons, little ones. Open it up. 1904 01:46:11,320 --> 01:46:14,960 GRUNTING: Here we go. Just throw them to the floor. 1905 01:46:14,960 --> 01:46:16,800 What's in there, Vanessa? More trash. 1906 01:46:16,800 --> 01:46:18,960 Yeah, pull that out there. Oh, another raccoon. Yeah. 1907 01:46:18,960 --> 01:46:19,960 And then there's... 1908 01:46:19,960 --> 01:46:21,960 Oh, there's a hamburger. Pull that out there. 1909 01:46:21,960 --> 01:46:23,960 Now, you see that's been closed up. 1910 01:46:23,960 --> 01:46:25,960 There's rubber bands around that, right, Vanessa? Yes. 1911 01:46:25,960 --> 01:46:28,960 You remember this forever, because that trash can, Vanessa, 1912 01:46:28,960 --> 01:46:32,000 was in plain view before you came out on stage. 1913 01:46:32,000 --> 01:46:33,480 Open that up, Vanessa. 1914 01:46:34,960 --> 01:46:37,480 Inside, you'll find a hamburger. Hamburger, and... 1915 01:46:37,480 --> 01:46:39,960 Besides the hamburger, what's right there, Vanessa? 1916 01:46:39,960 --> 01:46:41,960 My credit card. APPLAUSE 1917 01:46:41,960 --> 01:46:44,960 There's your credit card, right there, Vanessa. Greasy... 1918 01:46:44,960 --> 01:46:47,960 And you can clean your hands off with that, Vanessa. 1919 01:46:47,960 --> 01:46:48,960 Thank you very much. 1920 01:46:48,960 --> 01:46:51,480 And thank you, Vanessa Williams! Thank you. 1921 01:46:51,480 --> 01:46:54,960 Thank you so much. Great job. Thank you. And thank you! 1922 01:46:54,960 --> 01:46:56,960 # Oh, no, oh 1923 01:46:56,960 --> 01:47:00,960 # Nothing's gonna bring me down. # 1924 01:47:03,960 --> 01:47:06,960 Our next act is a comic, presenter, actor and writer, 1925 01:47:06,960 --> 01:47:10,960 best known for appearing in the smash-hit TV series Ted Lasso 1926 01:47:10,960 --> 01:47:11,960 and The Mash Report. 1927 01:47:11,960 --> 01:47:13,960 She also hosts Bake Off: The Professionals, 1928 01:47:13,960 --> 01:47:17,960 and she's about to head off next year on a nationwide tour. 1929 01:47:17,960 --> 01:47:20,960 It's the fabulous Ellie Taylor. APPLAUSE 1930 01:47:20,960 --> 01:47:23,960 # You and I stargazing 1931 01:47:24,960 --> 01:47:28,960 # You were right there all along. # 1932 01:47:28,960 --> 01:47:32,960 Hello, my friends, are you well? AUDIENCE WHOOPS 1933 01:47:32,960 --> 01:47:35,640 What an absolute pleasure it is to be here. 1934 01:47:35,640 --> 01:47:38,000 And I really, really mean that because I was actually meant 1935 01:47:38,000 --> 01:47:40,960 to perform at the Royal Variety Show last year. 1936 01:47:40,960 --> 01:47:43,960 Yeah, and I was super excited for two main reasons. 1937 01:47:43,960 --> 01:47:46,960 One, I was gonna be doing it about nine months pregnant. 1938 01:47:46,960 --> 01:47:52,960 And two, obviously, I was gonna get the chance to meet His Majesty... 1939 01:47:52,960 --> 01:47:55,960 Rick Astley, who was also on the bill! 1940 01:47:55,960 --> 01:47:56,960 Super excited. 1941 01:47:56,960 --> 01:47:58,960 No offence, all right? Couldn't wait. 1942 01:47:58,960 --> 01:48:01,960 Night before the show, I was all set. 1943 01:48:01,960 --> 01:48:03,960 I'd done the prep, I'd bought the frock, 1944 01:48:03,960 --> 01:48:06,960 I'd had the spray tan sorted. 1945 01:48:06,960 --> 01:48:10,960 2am that morning, my waters break. 1946 01:48:10,960 --> 01:48:13,320 That's the spray tan ruined for a start, isn't it? 1947 01:48:13,320 --> 01:48:14,960 LAUGHTER 1948 01:48:14,960 --> 01:48:19,960 And by 10:22 on the morning of the Royal Variety Show last year, 1949 01:48:19,960 --> 01:48:23,960 I was holding my baby boy for the first time. 1950 01:48:23,960 --> 01:48:25,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1951 01:48:27,000 --> 01:48:31,960 Proving that there is nothing that a young man won't do... 1952 01:48:31,960 --> 01:48:34,960 to obstruct an older woman's career ambitions. 1953 01:48:34,960 --> 01:48:37,960 LAUGHTER I was furious! 1954 01:48:37,960 --> 01:48:39,960 I've just about forgiven him. He's a good lad. He is. 1955 01:48:39,960 --> 01:48:43,960 I mean, he's no Rick Astley, but he is a good lad. 1956 01:48:43,960 --> 01:48:45,960 The interesting thing about my little boy 1957 01:48:45,960 --> 01:48:46,960 is that he is a boy, right? 1958 01:48:46,960 --> 01:48:48,960 Cos I've got two kids. 1959 01:48:48,960 --> 01:48:51,480 And the previous child I already owned... 1960 01:48:51,480 --> 01:48:52,960 LAUGHTER 1961 01:48:52,960 --> 01:48:54,960 ..that one is a girl, right? 1962 01:48:54,960 --> 01:48:55,960 And I get girls. I'm a girl. 1963 01:48:55,960 --> 01:48:58,960 I've got a sister. All my best friends are girls. 1964 01:48:58,960 --> 01:48:59,960 I don't know anything about blokes. 1965 01:48:59,960 --> 01:49:03,960 Can name on one hand the amount of men in my life who I like. 1966 01:49:03,960 --> 01:49:05,960 Dad, husband... 1967 01:49:05,960 --> 01:49:08,320 Ben Shephard seems like a nice fella, I dunno. 1968 01:49:09,960 --> 01:49:10,960 So, all my friends with little boys 1969 01:49:10,960 --> 01:49:12,960 tried to warn me about it when I was pregnant. 1970 01:49:12,960 --> 01:49:16,800 They were like, "Oh, Ellie, watch out. Boy babies be crazy." 1971 01:49:16,800 --> 01:49:17,960 And I was like, "Don't be so stereotypical. 1972 01:49:17,960 --> 01:49:21,960 "How binary, 'Boy babies be crazy.' Ridiculous." 1973 01:49:21,960 --> 01:49:23,960 And then I met my boy baby. 1974 01:49:23,960 --> 01:49:26,960 Oh, my God. He's like a miniature one-man stag do. 1975 01:49:28,800 --> 01:49:31,960 Seriously, I've started to doubt whether he did arrive on this earth 1976 01:49:31,960 --> 01:49:32,960 via my womb. 1977 01:49:32,960 --> 01:49:35,960 I think he actually arrived on an easyJet flight from Benidorm. 1978 01:49:36,960 --> 01:49:39,960 The stuff this kid does! The stuff he makes me say. 1979 01:49:39,960 --> 01:49:41,960 I found myself in the street the other day, saying, 1980 01:49:41,960 --> 01:49:43,960 "No, darling, we don't lick buses." 1981 01:49:43,960 --> 01:49:45,960 LAUGHTER 1982 01:49:47,480 --> 01:49:49,960 I always think it's interesting how kids get their nicknames, right? 1983 01:49:49,960 --> 01:49:53,000 So, as soon as my daughter was born, I started calling her "Rat Bag". 1984 01:49:53,000 --> 01:49:54,960 I'm very loving. 1985 01:49:54,960 --> 01:49:57,960 And I was talking about her a little bit on Instagram, right? 1986 01:49:57,960 --> 01:50:00,800 And I was writing this nickname out, and after a while, I thought, 1987 01:50:00,800 --> 01:50:02,960 "Hang on a minute, I'm a cool, hip mum. 1988 01:50:02,960 --> 01:50:05,960 "I've got an air fryer with two drawers, for God's sake. 1989 01:50:05,960 --> 01:50:08,960 "I know what to do here - instead of writing the words "Rat Bag", 1990 01:50:08,960 --> 01:50:11,960 "I am gonna use emojis instead." 1991 01:50:11,960 --> 01:50:13,960 So instead of the word "rat", I did an emoji of a rat. 1992 01:50:13,960 --> 01:50:15,960 Instead of the word "bag", I did an emoji of a bag. 1993 01:50:15,960 --> 01:50:19,960 I thought, "Very clear, very funny. I'm an absolute hoot." 1994 01:50:19,960 --> 01:50:21,960 Till I got about 20 messages back, going, 1995 01:50:21,960 --> 01:50:23,960 "Why'd you call your daughter Mouse Satchel?" 1996 01:50:23,960 --> 01:50:25,640 LAUGHTER 1997 01:50:25,640 --> 01:50:27,960 So that is now her nickname. 1998 01:50:27,960 --> 01:50:30,960 And I tell you, Mouse Satchel has had a very busy few years. 1999 01:50:30,960 --> 01:50:33,480 She has. It's been all change in my family. 2000 01:50:33,480 --> 01:50:36,960 So, my sister and her kids have emigrated to Australia, 2001 01:50:36,960 --> 01:50:37,960 which is pretty cool. 2002 01:50:37,960 --> 01:50:39,960 Obviously means the children are now bilingual. 2003 01:50:41,960 --> 01:50:42,960 They speak English and... 2004 01:50:42,960 --> 01:50:45,960 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ..adorable English, which is lovely. 2005 01:50:45,960 --> 01:50:49,480 They've moved to a place called the Sunshine Coast, near Brisbane. 2006 01:50:49,480 --> 01:50:50,960 The Sunshine Coast - 2007 01:50:50,960 --> 01:50:53,960 have you ever heard of anywhere more annoyingly perky? 2008 01:50:53,960 --> 01:50:54,960 LAUGHTER 2009 01:50:54,960 --> 01:50:56,960 And it really is. It's lovely over there. 2010 01:50:56,960 --> 01:50:58,960 It's so cheerful. It's so chipper. 2011 01:50:58,960 --> 01:51:01,800 It's like the geographical equivalent of Alison Hammond. 2012 01:51:01,800 --> 01:51:03,320 LAUGHTER 2013 01:51:03,320 --> 01:51:05,960 What I love to imagine, though, is you just know 2014 01:51:05,960 --> 01:51:09,960 if there was a place in the UK called the Sunshine Coast, 2015 01:51:09,960 --> 01:51:11,960 it would be an absolute dump, don't you? 2016 01:51:12,960 --> 01:51:15,960 You imagine turning up at the tourist office, like, 2017 01:51:15,960 --> 01:51:17,960 "All right? 2018 01:51:17,960 --> 01:51:20,960 "Welcome to t'Sunshine Coast. 2019 01:51:20,960 --> 01:51:22,960 "Directions to t'centre of town? Yeah. 2020 01:51:22,960 --> 01:51:25,480 "You got straight past t'nuclear reactor. 2021 01:51:25,480 --> 01:51:28,800 "Take a left at the abandoned Wilko's." 2022 01:51:28,800 --> 01:51:30,000 LAUGHTER 2023 01:51:30,000 --> 01:51:32,000 My friends, you've been a dream come true. 2024 01:51:32,000 --> 01:51:34,160 Thank you so much. I've been Ellie Taylor. 2025 01:51:34,160 --> 01:51:35,960 APPLAUSE 2026 01:51:35,960 --> 01:51:38,960 # You and I stargazing 2027 01:51:39,960 --> 01:51:42,960 # You were right there all along. # 2028 01:51:44,960 --> 01:51:48,960 The Nutcracker is one of the world's most famous ballets, 2029 01:51:48,960 --> 01:51:50,960 and a seasonal treat. 2030 01:51:50,960 --> 01:51:52,640 The English National Ballet, 2031 01:51:52,640 --> 01:51:54,640 for which Her Majesty The Queen is patron, 2032 01:51:54,640 --> 01:51:57,320 are currently performing this beautiful production 2033 01:51:57,320 --> 01:51:58,960 at the London Coliseum, 2034 01:51:58,960 --> 01:52:02,800 and we are proud to present an extract here tonight. 2035 01:52:02,800 --> 01:52:04,960 Would you please welcome to the stage 2036 01:52:04,960 --> 01:52:08,960 the exquisite, world-famous Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy, 2037 01:52:08,960 --> 01:52:11,960 performed by their lead principal, Emma Hawes. 2038 01:52:11,960 --> 01:52:14,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2039 01:52:19,000 --> 01:52:22,480 MUSIC: 'Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy' 2040 01:53:32,960 --> 01:53:34,960 MUSIC CONTINUES 2041 01:54:21,480 --> 01:54:23,000 MUSIC CONTINUES 2042 01:54:51,960 --> 01:54:54,320 APPLAUSE 2043 01:55:00,960 --> 01:55:03,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2044 01:55:10,960 --> 01:55:11,960 MUSIC FINISHES 2045 01:55:14,640 --> 01:55:17,960 Let's now take a moment to remember the entertainers and broadcasters 2046 01:55:17,960 --> 01:55:21,960 from the worlds of film, television, music and theatre 2047 01:55:21,960 --> 01:55:23,800 who we have lost this year. 2048 01:59:07,960 --> 01:59:11,960 And now we'd like to introduce an extraordinary choir. 2049 01:59:11,960 --> 01:59:14,960 Back in 2019, the Lorraine Kelly show 2050 01:59:14,960 --> 01:59:17,960 was inspired to start the Change + Check campaign 2051 01:59:17,960 --> 01:59:20,160 to raise awareness for breast cancer. 2052 01:59:20,160 --> 01:59:22,960 Since then, the campaign has gathered momentum 2053 01:59:22,960 --> 01:59:23,960 with the formation of a choir 2054 01:59:23,960 --> 01:59:26,960 whose members come from all over the UK. 2055 01:59:26,960 --> 01:59:29,960 They are all affected by this disease, 2056 01:59:29,960 --> 01:59:34,160 but represent a solidarity of love, support and friendship. 2057 01:59:34,160 --> 01:59:38,000 Last month, they released the iconic Love Is All Around single 2058 01:59:38,000 --> 01:59:39,960 with Marti Pellow, 2059 01:59:39,960 --> 01:59:44,960 as the hit song celebrates its 30th anniversary. 2060 01:59:44,960 --> 01:59:46,960 Before we hear from Lorraine and the choir, 2061 01:59:46,960 --> 01:59:49,960 we're delighted that they are also going to be joined 2062 01:59:49,960 --> 01:59:52,960 by some special guest supporters of Future Dreams, 2063 01:59:52,960 --> 01:59:55,960 The Pink Ribbon Foundation, and CoppaFeel! 2064 01:59:55,960 --> 01:59:59,480 So, please, feel free now to sing along 2065 01:59:59,480 --> 02:00:02,800 and welcome Marti Pellow, Lorraine Kelly, 2066 02:00:02,800 --> 02:00:04,960 and the Change + Check Choir. 2067 02:00:04,960 --> 02:00:07,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, WHOOPING 2068 02:00:08,960 --> 02:00:11,960 SONG: 'Love Is All Around' 2069 02:00:14,960 --> 02:00:20,000 CHOIR: # Love, love, love 2070 02:00:20,000 --> 02:00:23,960 # I feel it in my fingers 2071 02:00:23,960 --> 02:00:28,960 # I feel it in my toes, yeah 2072 02:00:31,960 --> 02:00:34,960 # Love is all around me 2073 02:00:34,960 --> 02:00:38,960 # And so the feeling grows 2074 02:00:38,960 --> 02:00:42,960 # Mmm... # 2075 02:00:42,960 --> 02:00:45,960 TOGETHER: # It's written on the wind 2076 02:00:45,960 --> 02:00:49,960 # It's everywhere I go 2077 02:00:49,960 --> 02:00:52,960 # Oh, yes, it is 2078 02:00:53,960 --> 02:00:57,960 # So if you really love me 2079 02:00:57,960 --> 02:01:01,960 # Come on and let it show 2080 02:01:01,960 --> 02:01:04,960 # Come on and let it show now... # 2081 02:01:06,960 --> 02:01:07,960 Hey! 2082 02:01:08,960 --> 02:01:14,960 # You know I love you I always will 2083 02:01:14,960 --> 02:01:19,000 # My mind's made up By the way that I feel 2084 02:01:19,000 --> 02:01:24,960 # There's no beginning There'll be no end 2085 02:01:24,960 --> 02:01:27,960 # Cos on my love 2086 02:01:27,960 --> 02:01:33,320 # You can depend 2087 02:01:33,320 --> 02:01:40,960 # I see your face before me As I lay on my bed 2088 02:01:40,960 --> 02:01:43,000 # Ooh, ooh Mmm 2089 02:01:44,960 --> 02:01:47,960 # I kinda get to thinking 2090 02:01:47,960 --> 02:01:52,480 # Of all the things you said 2091 02:01:52,480 --> 02:01:54,960 # Oh, yes, I did 2092 02:01:55,960 --> 02:01:59,960 # You gave your promise to me 2093 02:01:59,960 --> 02:02:04,960 # And I gave mine to you Yeah 2094 02:02:04,960 --> 02:02:07,320 # Ah, ah 2095 02:02:07,320 --> 02:02:10,960 # I need someone beside me Beside me 2096 02:02:10,960 --> 02:02:14,960 # In everything I do 2097 02:02:14,960 --> 02:02:19,320 # In everything I do now 2098 02:02:22,160 --> 02:02:26,960 # You know I love you I always will 2099 02:02:27,960 --> 02:02:32,960 # My mind's made up By the way that I feel 2100 02:02:32,960 --> 02:02:37,960 # There's no beginning There'll be no end 2101 02:02:37,960 --> 02:02:40,960 # Cos on my love 2102 02:02:40,960 --> 02:02:47,960 # You can depend 2103 02:02:47,960 --> 02:02:51,000 # Gotta keep it moving! 2104 02:02:51,000 --> 02:02:52,960 # Ooh 2105 02:02:52,960 --> 02:02:56,960 # It's written in the wind Whoa-oh 2106 02:02:56,960 --> 02:02:59,960 # It's everywhere I go... # 2107 02:02:59,960 --> 02:03:03,800 HE VOCALISES 2108 02:03:03,800 --> 02:03:07,960 # So if you really love me Love me 2109 02:03:07,960 --> 02:03:13,960 # Come on and let it show 2110 02:03:13,960 --> 02:03:18,640 # Come on and let it Come on and let it 2111 02:03:18,640 --> 02:03:20,960 # Come on and let it 2112 02:03:20,960 --> 02:03:25,000 # Come on and let it show... # 2113 02:03:25,000 --> 02:03:26,960 Come on, Albert Hall! 2114 02:03:26,960 --> 02:03:30,960 # Come on, come on, come on Come on, let it show 2115 02:03:32,960 --> 02:03:36,320 # Come on, come on, come on Come on, let it show 2116 02:03:36,320 --> 02:03:41,160 # Cos love is all around. # 2117 02:03:41,160 --> 02:03:43,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! 2118 02:03:54,960 --> 02:03:57,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2119 02:04:00,960 --> 02:04:03,480 Finally, tonight, let's welcome back the casts 2120 02:04:03,480 --> 02:04:06,960 of this year's Royal Variety Performance. 2121 02:04:06,960 --> 02:04:09,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2122 02:04:41,960 --> 02:04:45,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2123 02:04:45,960 --> 02:04:48,640 What an incredible night it's been for all of us. 2124 02:04:48,640 --> 02:04:51,000 And, please, let's not forget to give a huge thank-you 2125 02:04:51,000 --> 02:04:53,960 to Dave Arch and the brilliant Royal Variety Orchestra. 2126 02:04:53,960 --> 02:04:56,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2127 02:04:57,960 --> 02:05:01,960 Thank you so much. And good night! 2128 02:05:02,960 --> 02:05:04,960 HUGH QUARSHIE: King Charles makes his way backstage 2129 02:05:04,960 --> 02:05:07,640 to meet the stars of tonight's show, 2130 02:05:07,640 --> 02:05:10,960 including the cast of Starlight Express, 2131 02:05:10,960 --> 02:05:14,960 Stephen Mulhern, Marisha Wallace, Vanessa Williams... 2132 02:05:16,960 --> 02:05:19,960 ..Cameron Mackintosh and the cast of Oliver!... 2133 02:05:21,480 --> 02:05:24,960 ..Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Nemo... 2134 02:05:25,960 --> 02:05:27,960 ..Marti Pellow and Lorraine Kelly, 2135 02:05:27,960 --> 02:05:31,960 choir member Nikki Wheatley, BGT winner Sydnie Christmas, 2136 02:05:31,960 --> 02:05:34,960 hosts Amanda Holden and Alan Carr. 2137 02:05:34,960 --> 02:05:36,960 Merry Christmas, and good night. 2138 02:05:36,960 --> 02:05:38,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com