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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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I always kind of assumed
that when my life fell apart,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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it would somehow be my fault.
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So now I just kind of feel
like I'm playing
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with the house's money.
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CHRISTIAN: {\an8}Live comedy
is basically my entire life.
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{\an8}When I'm not writing
or performing
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{\an8}I'm helping out
at Q. E. D. Astoria
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{\an8}which is the venue owned
and operated by my wife.
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A place like Q.E.D.
You know this is
our 401[k] savings
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and I know multiple
independent venues
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are in the same boat as us.
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Where they created this place
from scratch,
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and now
we're getting left behind,
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and we're not even
being considered with regards
to the reopening.
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CHRISTIAN: {\an8}It's our money
but it's Kambri's business,
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{\an8}but I do help out
mopping the floors,
cleaning the toilet.
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{\an8}It's not glamorous work,
but somebody's got to do it.
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{\an8}So 2020 has been
a really double whammy.
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{\an8}I went from having two jobs
to having zero jobs.
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{\an8}But I do have a bunch
of new material
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{\an8}and Q.E.D. does have a backyard
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{\an8}big enough to safely seat
a couple dozen people,
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{\an8}so, I literally don't know
what else to do with myself.
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{\an8}I don't know whether this thing
that we're doing
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{\an8}is an advertising for Q.E.D.
or eulogy.
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We'll have to see.
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WOMAN: {\an8}Ladies and gentleman,
Christian Finnegan.
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[CROWD CHEERING]
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Oh, my God. You are too kind.
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Seriously. No, No.
Stop. Stop it.
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Stop it.
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You're too kind.
It's unsettling, quite frankly.
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It is a pleasure to be with you
here at the end of all things.
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Now you might look around
and think to yourself,
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you know, this seems like
a rather small audience
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for a momentous,
filmed comedy event.
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But you would be wrong.
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This is not a small audience.
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This is an exclusive audience.
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Yeah, you are the elite, right.
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You guys think
you just decided to be here
of your own volition.
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No.
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Each of you has been chosen
for very specific reasons.
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It's a little bit
like that movie {\an8}Saw.
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I'm gonna teach you all
a lesson.
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Someone's going home
without a foot.
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In all seriousness,
I know this is not how
it's typically done.
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Usually a comedy special
is filmed
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in front of a 1000
rabid audience members,
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as opposed
to a socially distanced
smattering of 28.
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But do not worry.
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I have been doing this
a very long time, okay.
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I have performed
in front of a 1000 people,
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and I am very used
to only hearing
28 people laughing.
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So...
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Fun year, 2020.
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Wouldn't you say? Fun times.
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I will admit I did not take
Covid as seriously
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as maybe I should have at first.
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I guess it's because
I've been living
in New York City
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for almost 30 years,
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so I just assumed
I was already immune
to everything.
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All those years
licking subway poles
for nothing.
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I started getting worried
in early March
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when I began receiving e mails
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from every company I've ever
purchased anything from
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to inform me of their
Corona virus preparedness plans.
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And most of it was just
sort of like boilerplate,
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like, "From now on,
we're gonna clean our stores."
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Okay.
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And I thought that was already
in the agenda,
but thanks.
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But then I got one from Petco,
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and it concerned me
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because it was very dry.
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You know, like you get an email
from a pet store.
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You expected to be
in that sort of fun
pet store vernacular,
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you know, like
"This Corona virus is ruff."
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Due to the ongoing
"cat-astrophe"
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we will be putting our stores
on paws, but...
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We're all adjusting
in our own way.
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I am-- I'm carrying 25 pounds
of grade A quarantine fat.
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That's nice. Yeah. All right.
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Hubba hubba.
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I honestly don't know how
it happened,
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because I have spent
the last few months
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on one of those
nutritional programs.
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Has anybody else tried
the existential panic diet?
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It is-- Oh, it's the best.
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You got to try it.
What you do is you only eat...
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That's it. You only eat.
You only eat.
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And you eat and you eat
because that's the one thing
you can control.
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I've had to adjust.
My summer 2020 wardrobe
was primarily Costco based
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Many of you may be unaware
that you can purchase clothing
at Costco.
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Oh, you can.
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They have
all your favorite labels.
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Colvin Klein,
Hugo Bosch, Nabisco.
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00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:19,797
And all of its piled high
and giant disheveled heaps
on folding tables.
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Scavengers picking through it
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like seagulls feasting
on a bloated whale carcass.
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It is how you say "tres chic."
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Now I want to be clear.
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I do not have to buy my clothes
at Costco, okay.
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2020 has not been
a financial windfall,
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but I'm not quite
that desperate.
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But these are fat clothes, okay?
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I have gained and lost
and gained weight
my entire adult life.
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And if there's one thing
I have learned,
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is you do not spend good money
on fat clothing, right?
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Yes, especially not in a year
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when 90% of the people
you interact with
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our seeing you
in a Zoom thumbnail.
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That should be the slogan,
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"Costco Apparel,
good enough for 2020."
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I can see your faces.
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Some of you are wondering.
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Christian, is that shirt
from Costco?
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You're damn right it is.
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That's right. $17.99, baby.
History being made.
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Very first comedy special filmed
in a shirt purchased at Costco.
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Mark it down. Mark it down.
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Look, this is a quality garment?
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No, it is not.
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But it reads shirt.
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It has two armholes,
some buttons,
a place for your head.
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It's a shirt, right?
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And thanks to social distancing,
none of you will
ever get close enough
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to notice that it is
73% asbestos.
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Chafes a bit,
I'm not going to lie.
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There's a quote that I've heard
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{\an8}that "Depression
is the inability
to picture a future."
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Which is something I think
we're all experiencing
right now.
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I think comics in general
or performer artists in general
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are a little more comfortable
in the unknown.
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But I don't remember
ever being this in the dark.
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I don't know,
I feel like I've recently
turned a corner with this.
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A few weeks ago,
I made a decision
that has changed my life.
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I decided that I am happy.
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Yeah, decided. Thank you.
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Thank you. Appreciate that.
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I wanna be very clear
about this.
I am not happy.
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Not one bit.
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But I have decided that I am.
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And I think I may have
convinced myself.
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Man, I mean, just fake it
till you make it right?
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I mean, sometimes
life requires you
to be a little bit full of shit.
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And now is one of those times,
we pretend 50 times a day.
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Why can't we pretend
that we're happy, right?
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I mean, you don't think
you pretend?
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Do the words
"just saw your text"
mean anything to you?
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I mean, I already
pretend a lot of you.
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Whenever anyone talks
about Bitcoin,
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I pretend I know
what they're talking about.
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00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:04,614
Every four years,
I pretend that I know
what a comptroller does.
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00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,139
I go into the voting booth,
and I look at the names,
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I'm like, "Oh, yeah, this guy
definitely comptrolles better
than that guy.
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When you show me pictures
of your newborn children,
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I pretend that I find them cute.
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00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:20,804
I'm not saying I find them ugly.
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Their babies are cute,
but they're not, like,
singularly cute.
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00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:25,809
You know their babies, right?
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Like I've never seen a picture
of baby and I'm like, "Jesus!"
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Like, I know what to expect,
generally speaking.
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But I know
that it's important to you.
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So I do the work.
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
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"Look at him with the nose
and the eyeballs.
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"This kid definitely has ears."
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You can have fun
with it sometimes.
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Like "Oh, my God,
she is so adorable.
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"Is it just me,
or does she look
a little bit racist?
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"Just little bit, little bit.
Do you want to build the wall?
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"Yes, you do. Yes, you do."
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The point
is you have to stay positive.
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Uh, are you guys familiar
with the two wolves parable?
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Do you what that is?
It is a Native American
folk story.
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00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,553
So you know that it's
gonna be wise, right?
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Because that's the brand.
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The idea is that within
each and every one of us
exist two wolves.
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And one wolf represents
positivity and joy and love.
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And the other wolf represents
negativity and hatred and fear.
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And those two wolves
are fighting within each
and every one of you.
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Now, which wolf
do you think
will win that fight?
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The one that you feed, right?
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Right? Pretty wise, right?
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Now, again,
I did not make that up.
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It's literally
like a Facebook meme.
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I think it originated
in the Zuckerberg tribe,
if I'm not mistaken,
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But it resonates with me.
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It makes sense.
So I am doing my best
everyday in 2020
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00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:57,118
to feed the positivity wolf
as much as possible.
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The problem is,
as far as dinner companions go,
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00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,821
negativity wolf and I have
a little bit more in common.
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00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:06,475
You know, like--
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00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:09,521
It just flows better
with the negativity wolf.
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00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,699
Like, first of all,
positivity wolf doesn't even
want to meet you for dinner.
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00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,265
Wants to meet you for breakfast.
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00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:19,009
7:00 a.m. egg whites.
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00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,796
He wants me to seize the day
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00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:24,841
as if the day has ever done
anything to me.
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00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,932
Whereas, like negativity wolf,
he's more flexible.
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00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:30,630
He'll eat on your schedule.
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00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,893
When and where you want to.
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00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:34,634
Negativity wolf
will even meet you
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00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,766
for one of those late night
fuck it meals.
206
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,292
Like you never had
that experience
207
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,599
when you're driving home
in like midnight,
you've had a terrible night
208
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,819
and you just see
the golden arches
in front of you
209
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:48,256
and you're like, "Fuck it."
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00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,692
You know, like nega--
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00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,739
Negativity wolf is
in the passenger seat,
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00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:55,002
Ready to go halfsies
on the 20 piece nuggets.
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00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,920
The conversation
just flows better.
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00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:03,227
Positivity wolf wants to talk
about how much potential I have,
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00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:05,316
how I can do anything
I set my mind to,
216
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,536
how maybe I don't need
another pint glass
217
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,407
full of Maker's Mark
and Diet Mountain Dew.
218
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:12,933
Boring.
219
00:11:12,976 --> 00:11:14,848
Negativity wolf
gets down to brass tacks.
220
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:17,024
"All right? Here's how
I see this going.
221
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:19,026
"We'll spent maybe an hour,
an hour and a half,
222
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:21,942
"cataloging all of your
personal failures.
223
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,726
"Then we'll hate scroll
Twitter for a while.
224
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,075
"Jerk off, take a nap."
225
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,339
Oh, neggy, you read my mind.
226
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,605
CHRISTIAN: {\an8}We had to move
out of our apartment in April.
227
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,869
And so we live here.
228
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:37,871
This is where we live,
when we're in New York
229
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:41,178
{\an8}and we have a, you know,
a mattress on the stage.
230
00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:42,832
Every night I sleep
231
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,834
where hundreds of open mic-er's
232
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:47,619
{\an8}have talked about their
masturbatory habits.
233
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:51,101
{\an8}I have a little foot-operated
camping shower in the basement.
234
00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:52,450
{\an8}I stand on a tarp.
235
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,714
You pump it like this,
you fill it with water
236
00:11:54,757 --> 00:12:00,328
and then, it lasts a good
five to seven minutes
if you do it properly.
237
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,592
If there's ever a time
to kind of winging,
it's right now.
238
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:05,725
My wife and I recently had
to move out of our apartment,
239
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,204
which is a bummers.
240
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,989
Fifteen years I lived
in that apartment. I loved it.
241
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:11,905
It was an amazing apartment
by New York City standards
242
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:13,428
because we had a dishwasher.
243
00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:15,952
Yeah, see, you guys understand.
244
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,258
You guys get it.
245
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:18,955
People watching us at home,
246
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:21,305
I'm sure appliances
rained down from the sky
where you live.
247
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:26,093
Here a dishwasher
is an exotic luxury.
248
00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:27,659
Like my friends
wouldn't even believe me.
249
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:30,227
Like whenever I go to visit
a friend out in the suburbs
250
00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:33,230
and I would see
all the amenities they had
they took for granted.
251
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:36,059
It was as if I was
a medieval time traveler...
252
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,715
visiting this strange
future world.
253
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:42,239
"My friend,
254
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:46,591
"where is the benevolent spirit
blowing cool air through vents
in the wall?
255
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:49,986
"Is that the breath of an angel?
256
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,990
"What do you have in this door?
257
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:57,037
"Your own personal clothes
laundering apparatus?
258
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:01,563
"This washing "machine"
of yours.
259
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,870
"How many quarters
does it require?
260
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:05,697
"No quarters?
261
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:10,093
"You have a staircase
on the inside of your home?
262
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:14,184
"It is the mark of the beast."
263
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,233
I understand what it's like
to fear technology,
264
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,497
fear the future,
especially right now.
265
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,238
Last week I saw a commercial
that said,
266
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:26,675
"The future is now." I was like,
"Dear, God, no.
267
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,158
"Give me a little more time."
268
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:35,858
I worry about, like technology,
artificial intelligence,
things like that.
269
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:38,295
People, we're gonna be
in lot of trouble
270
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:42,473
when robots figure out
how to check off
that "I am not a robot" box.
271
00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:47,043
It feels like a very thin line
of defense to me,
272
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:50,351
you know, I mean, like,
"They're never gonna figure
that one out.
273
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:55,573
"I mean, it clearly says
I am not a robot, so...
274
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:59,055
"And they're robots,
so they tell the truth,
problem solved."
275
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:02,276
What's going to happen
when Elon Musk
invents some lying ass robot?
276
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:05,975
I'm addicted to technology.
277
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:08,630
I remember right before
pandemic hit, I had to--
278
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,327
I wanted to grab lunch
really quick.
279
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:12,939
And I lived right near Panera
and I couldn't afford that.
280
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:13,983
So...
281
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,682
So I had a really short window
in which to grab lunch
282
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,989
I was like, "You know what?
I'm just gonna run
to Panera really quick."
283
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,338
And I was in such a hurry
284
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:23,210
I did not even bother
to take my phone with me.
285
00:14:23,253 --> 00:14:26,517
And then I guess
I had just missed,
like, a giant lunch rush.
286
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:28,302
Because right after
I finish paying,
287
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:30,173
I noticed there were 25 people
288
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,523
at the end of the counter
waiting for their orders.
289
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:35,570
And again,
I did not have my phone.
290
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:37,398
Do you understand
what this means?
291
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:41,576
That means
for almost a half an hour
I was forced to just stand there
292
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,447
looking at stuff.
293
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,755
Like a psycho path.
294
00:14:48,409 --> 00:14:49,932
How did we do it?
295
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:54,023
How did-- I have no memory
of how to be alone in public
296
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,373
without having
that little rectangle
to stare at.
297
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,288
Like, I tried not look insane.
298
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,203
It didn't work.
299
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,379
Like, imagine you're at Panera
and you're looking down
at your phone,
300
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,860
and you glance up
and you just see this guy...
301
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,731
[LAUGHTER]
302
00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:18,265
I could tell that I was
bumming people out,
303
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,310
so eventually I just start
staring at my hand.
304
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:23,183
Just kind of went in Rome,
scrolling my palm.
305
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,537
Like, I just want
to be very clear,
306
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:32,192
this is probably not my urine
that I'm cleaning up right now.
307
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,239
All of our stuff is in storage,
most of our stuff.
308
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:39,199
This is the entirety
of my 2020 wardrobe.
309
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,679
Right now, it is laid out
on this table.
310
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,290
And then there's
some bags of crap
311
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:47,163
that I am now too fat to wear,
uh, because of the pandemic.
312
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,731
I'm blaming it on the pandemic.
313
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:53,909
Forty-seven now,
47 years of age.
314
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,824
[WHOOPING]
315
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:59,567
That's a cry for help,
but I appreciate it. Uh...
316
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:02,613
It's a transitional period
is what I'm calling it euphemistically.
317
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:05,312
Like, I'm not old,
318
00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:09,185
but I'm starting to take notice
of pharmaceutical commercials.
319
00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:10,970
[LAUGHTER]
320
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:14,234
Like, I'm not taking
any of the drugs.
321
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:17,715
I'm just sort of
familiarizing myself
with the names for the future.
322
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:21,023
Like, "Okay, Prevagen.
All right. P-R-E-V-A..."
323
00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:25,027
They're hard to remember,
the pharmaceutical names.
324
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,421
Every pharmaceutical name
sounds like a word
325
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:30,032
that you would
try to get away with
in a game of Scrabble.
326
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,207
[LAUGHTER]
327
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,037
Like, you know,
when you're down 80 points,
328
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,691
you're just throwing stuff
against the wall.
329
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:39,694
You're like,
"Uh, I don't know. Abilify."
330
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:41,565
[LAUGHTER]
331
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,219
"No, that's like, uh,
when a building
332
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:45,700
doesn't have a handicap ramps,
you have to abilify it."
333
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,484
[LAUGHTER]
334
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:50,400
"No, you won't accept that one?
Okay, let's try this one.
335
00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:52,576
"How about lyrica?"
336
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,883
[LAUGHTER]
337
00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:57,494
"Those are the words
to a Mexican pop song."
338
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,540
[LAUGHTER]
339
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:02,847
"You know, {\an8}quando,
quando. Mi Amor.
340
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:06,199
"Something about a {\an8}corazon
that is collectively known.
It's lyrica.
341
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:09,245
"These are real words.
342
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:11,291
"Do not question my trulicity."
343
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:12,553
[LAUGHTER]
344
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,035
Wordplay.
345
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,735
I think they're running out
of letter combinations
for the drugs.
346
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:24,434
There's one drug
I see advertised
all the time called Xeljanz.
347
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:29,570
X-E-L-J-A-N-Z, Xeljanz.
348
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:33,008
First of all, that is one hell
of a Scrabble rack right there.
349
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,011
Come on, you got your X,
your J and your Z.
350
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,187
Drop that on
a triple word score, game over.
351
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,668
[LAUGHTER]
352
00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:44,106
I don't know what Xeljanz does,
I just know I'll never take it.
353
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,587
I refuse to take a drug
that sounds like a character
354
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:49,677
from like, a 50s
science-fiction movie.
355
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,114
"Greetings, humans.
I am Xeljanz.
356
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,031
"Servant to Space Lord Xanex.
357
00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:01,471
"We have come to your planet
to teach your people about
358
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:04,170
"moderate to severe
rheumatoid arthritis."
359
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,392
Really rolled that R there,
did you hear that?
360
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:11,612
Rheumatoid.
361
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,614
Thank you Tiscali Arts,
worth every penny.
362
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:20,142
I guess that means I will have
to embrace wellness.
363
00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:22,405
I don't know if you're
familiar with that term
"Wellness."
364
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:25,147
It is a medical term,
that means, uh, bullshit, um...
365
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:28,846
Talking about natural remedies.
366
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:32,546
Your melatonin,
fish oil, echinacea.
367
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:35,331
I am skeptical
of wellness culture, okay.
368
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:38,073
There has to be a reason
when you walk in the CVS
369
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,901
that the wellness products
have a section
370
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:43,426
that is separate from where
the actual medicine is kept.
371
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,907
Like, it's actually perfect
that they call it wellness.
372
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,213
"Hey, does this stuff work?"
373
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:48,257
"Well..."
374
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,566
It's like, wellness, um...
375
00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:55,134
"Let us pray." Anyway, uh...
376
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,267
CBD oil.
377
00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:00,574
That seems to be the one
that everyone loves in 2020.
378
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:03,577
Two years ago, I had never
even heard of CBD oil.
379
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:08,147
I had to ask a friend of mine,
and she was like, "Oh, my God,
CBD oil is so amazing.
380
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:11,672
"It has all the positive
health benefits of marijuana,
381
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:13,195
"but you don't get high."
382
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,937
I said, "Wow, that is amazing.
383
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,895
"Hey, I propose nothing.
384
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:21,029
"I know of something with all
the positive health benefits
of CBD oil.
385
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,380
"But you get high, so..."
386
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:30,169
Clearly, this is a tomato-tomato
type deal, I don't know.
387
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:33,259
I always sort of assumed
that was marijuana's
primary selling points,
388
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,913
the getting high parts.
389
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:38,220
Like, what is
the sales pitch for CBD?
390
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,570
It's like, "All right,
you're going to feel compelled
391
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:43,878
"to eat an entire
Costco-sized bag of Doritos.
392
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:46,272
"But wait for it. Get this.
393
00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:48,317
"You're stuck with
the same shitty thoughts."
394
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:51,233
No, thank you.
395
00:19:53,888 --> 00:19:56,847
I'm not trying to imply
that smoking pot makes you cool.
396
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:59,154
Like, maybe once upon a time
it made you a rebel.
397
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,766
In 2020, it's just another thing
to get through the day.
398
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,900
Like, I think of marijuana
as being a natural substance
399
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:10,731
that allows you
to temporarily ignore
the wreckage that is your life,
400
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:13,212
so that you can properly focus
on house hunters.
401
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,218
And I don't think
I'm gonna get that sensation
from the o'douls of weed.
402
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:24,310
People say that
you should give it to pets.
Have you heard that?
403
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:26,834
Like, if you have
like, an anxious dog,
you should give your dog CBD.
404
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:30,316
Okay. I just had no idea that
that kid in my high school
405
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:33,797
who used to blow
pot smoke in his dog's face
was a veterinary trailblazer.
406
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:36,887
I always thought
he was a jackass.
407
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:38,976
Turns out he was ahead
of the curve,
408
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:41,631
so, way to go, Keith, um...
409
00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:48,029
I don't know, man. I don't worry
about getting old so much.
410
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,423
I just worry about
getting old and lame.
411
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,687
'Cause I'm entering my 50s.
412
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:56,298
Which is when like, a white man
achieves peak lameness.
413
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,954
Because you become corny,
414
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:02,130
but you're not old enough
for anybody you think
it's adorable.
415
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:03,653
You're just corny.
416
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:06,090
I don't want to be one of those
middle-aged white guys
417
00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:09,311
who starts like, handing people
$2 bills or some shit.
418
00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:13,881
I don't know if there are
any $2 bill enthusiasts here.
419
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,318
If there's any watching,
consider this an intervention.
420
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:19,887
No one wants
a $2 bill. Okay?
421
00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:22,890
My wife owns this establishment,
that's how I booked the gig.
422
00:21:25,632 --> 00:21:27,111
And there's a guy who used
to come in all time.
423
00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:29,679
Sweetheart of a guy. 55-60.
424
00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:32,639
But every time
the bartender be like,
"That'll be $6, sir."
425
00:21:32,682 --> 00:21:34,684
And you could see
the excitement on his face...
426
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:39,907
...as he pulled out that stack
of crisp twos
427
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,475
and peeled them off
like a winning poker head.
428
00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:45,347
Like, two, four, six,
straight flush.
429
00:21:46,957 --> 00:21:48,655
Like, I think he expected
the bartender to be like...
430
00:21:48,698 --> 00:21:52,833
[BLABBERING] "What?
What are those, sir?"
431
00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:54,269
[BLABBERING]
432
00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:57,098
He was so proud of himself.
433
00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:59,230
He's like, "You know,
you can get those at the bank."
434
00:22:00,144 --> 00:22:01,755
"Oh, I know.
435
00:22:01,798 --> 00:22:04,061
"You can also
return them to the bank
436
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:06,499
"because nobody needs
a $2 bill.
437
00:22:06,542 --> 00:22:08,762
"Those are not rare enough
to be interesting
438
00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:10,894
"and also not normal enough
to be useful.
439
00:22:11,852 --> 00:22:13,288
"But thanks for the errand."
440
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:17,379
Every time someone has given me
a $2 bill,
441
00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:20,469
it just collects dust
in my wallet for,
like, six months.
442
00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:24,125
Until finally, one night,
I'm headed home from the subway
like 1:00 in the morning
443
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:26,519
and I stopped at
a convenience store
to get a Gatorade.
444
00:22:26,562 --> 00:22:29,173
And I get up to the register
and I realized I have no cash,
445
00:22:29,217 --> 00:22:33,177
and then it's just, "All right,
$2 bill. It's go time.
446
00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:35,528
"It is your time to shine."
447
00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:38,531
And I meekly push that thing
across the counter.
448
00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:41,490
And this poor guy
at the convenience store
449
00:22:41,534 --> 00:22:44,972
who may have only left
his home country 18 months ago.
450
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:47,017
He's staring at it,
and I'm like,
451
00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:50,369
I can see the apple color wheel
just spinning in his head.
452
00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:52,806
Like, he's clearly buffering.
453
00:22:52,849 --> 00:22:57,288
And I had to say,
"Sir, I promise you
that this is money. I promise.
454
00:22:57,332 --> 00:22:59,465
"I realize there is no slot
in your drawer
455
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:02,772
"for a two dollar bill,
but this is American currency.
456
00:23:02,816 --> 00:23:04,774
"I'm sorry.
I was once inconvenienced.
457
00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:07,168
"Now I'm forced
to inconvenience you.
458
00:23:07,211 --> 00:23:09,997
"It's a whole "pay it forward"
type scenario."
459
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:12,782
[SIREN WAILING]
460
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:15,132
I'm sorry. The hilarity police
are coming.
461
00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:19,267
Outdoor comedy.
462
00:23:21,530 --> 00:23:24,446
So, Kambri's always had,
like a bookstore section here,
463
00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,840
books by comedians
or books about comedians,
464
00:23:26,883 --> 00:23:29,146
and I don't know when
we're going to be able
to open again
465
00:23:29,190 --> 00:23:31,279
and certainly not going
to be full capacity.
466
00:23:31,322 --> 00:23:34,674
So we're kind of transitioning
the front area to have, like,
games and puzzles.
467
00:23:34,717 --> 00:23:36,676
She's got a great eye
for that kind of thing,
468
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:39,243
so it's going to be more of,
like a gift shop up front,
469
00:23:39,287 --> 00:23:42,116
and then she'll be able
to put on shows in the back.
470
00:23:42,159 --> 00:23:43,770
At what capacity?
471
00:23:43,813 --> 00:23:45,815
I don't know. I mean, maybe
this will be a rousing success.
472
00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:49,819
Or maybe check back in two years
and we'll be a rub and tug.
473
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:51,865
I mean, I don't mean to make fun
of people who have hobbies.
474
00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,867
I think it's very important
to have hobbies,
475
00:23:53,910 --> 00:23:55,912
especially with what everybody
is going through right now.
476
00:23:55,956 --> 00:23:58,349
Like, you can't be online
all the time.
477
00:23:58,393 --> 00:24:00,874
Like, I have no problem
with social media,
478
00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:04,051
but it's replaced people
having genuine hobbies.
479
00:24:04,094 --> 00:24:07,010
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm not talking about
a side hustle or a second gig.
480
00:24:07,054 --> 00:24:10,231
I'm talking about genuine thing
you do for your own amusement.
481
00:24:10,274 --> 00:24:12,625
Hobbies are our
psychological defense
482
00:24:12,668 --> 00:24:14,844
against the awfulness
of the world.
483
00:24:14,888 --> 00:24:18,282
Do you know what I mean?
Sometimes your soul needs
to get off the grid, right?
484
00:24:18,326 --> 00:24:21,155
It's like, "Oh,
another three months
of social distancing?
485
00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:22,591
"I'm going to go watch birds.
486
00:24:23,853 --> 00:24:25,072
"What's that you say?
487
00:24:25,115 --> 00:24:27,204
"Jared and Ivanka made
how much last year?
488
00:24:27,248 --> 00:24:28,510
"Stamps."
489
00:24:32,383 --> 00:24:33,428
I'm learning Spanish.
490
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,561
That is my 2020 hobby.
491
00:24:35,604 --> 00:24:37,824
Uh, thank you.
I appreciate that. Very kind.
492
00:24:37,867 --> 00:24:39,173
I figure, you're gonna live
in Queens
493
00:24:39,216 --> 00:24:41,654
you should learn
the language. [CHUCKLES]
494
00:24:41,697 --> 00:24:43,960
I'm joking. My neighborhood
speaks Arabic.
495
00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:47,486
No, I've been doing it
for a few months,
496
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:49,313
and I feel like
I'm making some progress.
497
00:24:49,357 --> 00:24:53,230
Not quite enough progress
that I am willing to whip it out
498
00:24:53,274 --> 00:24:55,581
on a native Spanish speaker.
499
00:24:55,624 --> 00:24:57,408
I haven't reached
that threshold yet.
500
00:24:57,452 --> 00:24:59,585
I go to the same taco truck
at least once a week,
501
00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:03,545
and every time
I walk up to the counter,
I'm like, "All right, it's time.
502
00:25:05,155 --> 00:25:06,243
{\an8}"Es el momento."
503
00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:12,293
And I get right up there,
I'm like, {\an8}"Disculpe, Senor."
504
00:25:13,163 --> 00:25:15,470
[STUTTERS]
505
00:25:16,645 --> 00:25:18,517
"Three fish tacos please."
[GRUNTS]
506
00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:21,955
"No, {\an8}es el momento."
507
00:25:26,394 --> 00:25:27,613
I'm using Duolingo.
508
00:25:27,656 --> 00:25:28,875
I don't know
if anyone's tried Duolingo.
509
00:25:28,918 --> 00:25:31,312
It's fun, right?
It's a great language app.
510
00:25:31,355 --> 00:25:32,879
And I'm not being paid
to say that,
511
00:25:32,922 --> 00:25:34,097
although make me an offer.
512
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:37,884
It's super great.
I will say though,
513
00:25:37,927 --> 00:25:41,540
it is a testament to how angry
everyone is in 2020
514
00:25:41,583 --> 00:25:43,454
because there are
arguments going on
515
00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:46,849
within my Duolingo
comment threads.
516
00:25:46,893 --> 00:25:49,112
I'm not even talking
about general message boards.
517
00:25:49,156 --> 00:25:50,984
If you do Duolingo
and you get a question wrong,
518
00:25:51,027 --> 00:25:53,595
a little word bubble will pop up
and you can click on it,
519
00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:56,685
and other people who got
that same question wrong
can compare notes.
520
00:25:56,729 --> 00:25:58,252
So this is one question,
521
00:25:58,295 --> 00:26:01,516
within one lesson
within one level,
within one language.
522
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,301
So maybe 15 to 20 people
are ever going to see this.
523
00:26:04,345 --> 00:26:08,262
And yet people are at
perpetual battle stations.
524
00:26:08,305 --> 00:26:11,613
Last week a woman asked
why she had to use
the word {\an8}"usted"
525
00:26:11,657 --> 00:26:13,833
and some guy told her
to shut the fuck up.
526
00:26:16,879 --> 00:26:18,533
Shut the fuck up.
527
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:20,666
What happened to you?
528
00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:22,842
Who hurt you?
529
00:26:25,322 --> 00:26:28,848
Nothing in life is worth being
that angry all the time.
530
00:26:30,850 --> 00:26:33,200
Or, as they say in Spanish...
531
00:26:33,243 --> 00:26:36,943
I haven't gotten that far yet.
I'm sure they say something.
532
00:26:36,986 --> 00:26:39,032
I don't know what it is.
533
00:26:39,075 --> 00:26:43,819
Also, it violates
the unwritten rules
of the Duolingo universe.
534
00:26:43,863 --> 00:26:46,822
That is not how
Duolingites communicate.
535
00:26:46,866 --> 00:26:49,956
I'm not talking about
the real people like me
who used the app.
536
00:26:49,999 --> 00:26:52,219
I am talking about
the make-believe people
537
00:26:52,262 --> 00:26:55,004
that only exist within
my remedial Spanish lessons.
538
00:26:56,092 --> 00:26:58,312
My new friend,
Carlos E. Fernanda.
539
00:27:00,227 --> 00:27:03,317
I consider them friends
because they talk
to me directly.
540
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,624
Nobody's calling me
a snowflake in Duolingo.
541
00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:08,888
Nobody's saying, "Okay, Boomer."
542
00:27:10,803 --> 00:27:14,981
It's just a bunch
of {\an8}muy contentos personas
543
00:27:15,024 --> 00:27:16,983
trying to locate
the {\an8}biblioteca.
544
00:27:18,767 --> 00:27:21,683
Just the fact that they care
so much about {\an8}bibliotecas.
545
00:27:21,727 --> 00:27:25,426
When's the last time
anybody in your life wanted
to know where a {\an8}biblioteca is?
546
00:27:25,469 --> 00:27:27,689
These people are obsessed.
547
00:27:27,733 --> 00:27:30,605
{\an8}Este pueblo tiene
dos bibliotecas.
548
00:27:32,302 --> 00:27:34,827
{\an8}La puerta del bibliotecas
muy grande.
549
00:27:37,046 --> 00:27:38,918
By the way,
I have also discovered
that I am incapable
550
00:27:38,961 --> 00:27:40,180
of speaking Spanish...
551
00:27:40,223 --> 00:27:43,313
[SPANISH ACCENT]
...unless I do it like this.
552
00:27:43,357 --> 00:27:46,316
I think if you look like me,
you can't be like, {\an8}
"Gracias, senor."
553
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:47,578
[SPANISH ACCENT] {\an8}Gracias...
554
00:27:48,928 --> 00:27:50,886
To give yourself
vocal polyps.
555
00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:54,107
I was such an idiot
in high school.
556
00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:57,893
I took French like a moron.
557
00:27:57,937 --> 00:28:00,722
Those were my only two options.
Either Spanish or French.
558
00:28:00,766 --> 00:28:03,290
I was in that last generation
of American children
559
00:28:03,333 --> 00:28:06,597
that thought French
was gonna be remotely useful.
560
00:28:06,641 --> 00:28:08,164
Did anybody else
make that mistake?
561
00:28:08,208 --> 00:28:09,905
Yeah. Yeah?
562
00:28:09,949 --> 00:28:11,341
Do you use your French at all?
563
00:28:11,385 --> 00:28:12,516
- No.
- No. No.
564
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,257
You thought you're
gonna be fancy.
565
00:28:14,301 --> 00:28:15,606
You aren't.
566
00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:19,567
Thought you were gonna do
a lot of fine dining.
567
00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:21,308
Become some sort
of baguette enthusiast.
568
00:28:23,310 --> 00:28:25,747
By the way,
fuck a baguette, okay.
569
00:28:25,791 --> 00:28:30,796
I mean, not literally 'cause ew,
but I am anti-baguettes.
570
00:28:30,839 --> 00:28:32,667
I had a baguette five days ago.
571
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:35,539
The roof of my mouth still feels
like it suffered a bear attack.
572
00:28:37,106 --> 00:28:39,935
I mean, I know
carbs are dangerous,
but give me a break.
573
00:28:39,979 --> 00:28:43,417
These are jagged,
injurious pieces of bread.
574
00:28:44,331 --> 00:28:45,767
I did not order a baguette.
575
00:28:45,811 --> 00:28:48,988
I ordered a chicken chipotle
avocado panini at Panera.
576
00:28:51,468 --> 00:28:53,296
But this Ne'er-do-well
behind the counter,
577
00:28:53,340 --> 00:28:54,907
I guess they had run out
of the normal bread,
578
00:28:54,950 --> 00:28:58,432
so he just
slapped it on a baguette
and didn't even warn me.
579
00:28:58,475 --> 00:28:59,738
Like, they should have
to tell you.
580
00:28:59,781 --> 00:29:01,783
Like, "Hey, this sandwich
you're about to eat,
581
00:29:01,827 --> 00:29:03,089
"it will ruin your week.
582
00:29:03,132 --> 00:29:06,745
"This... you will regret this
on Wednesday."
583
00:29:06,788 --> 00:29:10,618
But we think they're fancy
because they're called baguettes.
584
00:29:10,661 --> 00:29:12,533
Would you eat them
if they were called bagettes?
585
00:29:14,100 --> 00:29:16,319
It's sounds kind of hate-crimy.
586
00:29:16,363 --> 00:29:18,147
"A baguette. Oh, so romantic."
587
00:29:19,845 --> 00:29:21,760
I don't mind romance.
I have nothing against romance.
588
00:29:21,803 --> 00:29:24,850
I just don't like
forced romance.
589
00:29:24,893 --> 00:29:27,200
Like, I've never been
a big fan of Valentine's Day.
590
00:29:27,243 --> 00:29:30,725
You know, I feel like
Valentine's Day is
the only holiday
591
00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:33,293
where people who aren't
celebrating it care more
592
00:29:33,336 --> 00:29:35,774
than people
who are celebrating it.
593
00:29:35,817 --> 00:29:37,558
Like, if you don't have somebody
on Valentine's Day,
594
00:29:37,601 --> 00:29:39,038
it's like a personal statement.
595
00:29:39,081 --> 00:29:41,475
"Oh, I don't have valentine.
What am I doing wrong?"
596
00:29:41,518 --> 00:29:44,521
When you're married,
Valentine's Day is a goddamn zit
597
00:29:44,565 --> 00:29:45,740
on the face your calendar.
598
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:49,570
It's nothing against my wife.
599
00:29:49,613 --> 00:29:52,442
I love my wife.
I worked very hard
at being a good husband.
600
00:29:52,486 --> 00:29:55,532
But if you think
of being married as a job,
601
00:29:55,576 --> 00:29:58,535
Valentine's Day
is like your annual review.
602
00:30:01,060 --> 00:30:02,235
That's a lot of work.
603
00:30:02,278 --> 00:30:03,802
I gotta
get my talking points together,
604
00:30:03,845 --> 00:30:06,195
put on a tie, go in
and sell myself.
605
00:30:06,239 --> 00:30:08,241
Make sure I'm retained
for the following year.
606
00:30:10,286 --> 00:30:13,812
Well, honey, I think I've had
a very productive year
as your husband.
607
00:30:13,855 --> 00:30:16,640
I did close that big deal to
get snow tires put on the car.
608
00:30:18,338 --> 00:30:21,689
If you will recall,
I cleaned the bathtub
upwards of twice.
609
00:30:21,732 --> 00:30:25,040
So, if you check out
this power point presentation
610
00:30:25,084 --> 00:30:26,694
you'll see my numbers
are way up.
611
00:30:26,737 --> 00:30:29,740
Uh, in Q1 I spent over 42 hours
612
00:30:29,784 --> 00:30:31,525
listening to what you
dreamt about.
613
00:30:31,568 --> 00:30:33,092
And...
614
00:30:34,658 --> 00:30:36,878
over 45 hours,
reassuring you that,
615
00:30:36,922 --> 00:30:38,749
yes, those leggings look fine.
616
00:30:38,793 --> 00:30:40,012
So...
617
00:30:44,886 --> 00:30:48,063
This is probably
my favorite thing
in the entire place.
618
00:30:48,107 --> 00:30:49,891
Kambri is obsessed
with David Lee Roth,
619
00:30:49,935 --> 00:30:52,415
and she's a storyteller
and on a storytelling show
620
00:30:52,459 --> 00:30:54,113
once she told the story
about how she didn't have
621
00:30:54,156 --> 00:30:55,984
any religion growing up,
so David Lee Roth
622
00:30:56,028 --> 00:30:57,377
was kind of her Jesus Christ.
623
00:30:57,420 --> 00:31:01,250
And some random guy
drew this pencil drawing
624
00:31:01,294 --> 00:31:04,036
completely by hand
and just sent it to her.
625
00:31:04,079 --> 00:31:06,865
This is sort of
the Patron Saint of QED,
626
00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:10,564
and it's also why we have
a "no Van Hagar" sign over there
627
00:31:10,607 --> 00:31:12,479
because we're in our late 40s
628
00:31:12,522 --> 00:31:16,048
and these are the things
that are important to us.
629
00:31:16,091 --> 00:31:20,182
My wife is maybe
the most honest person
I've ever met in my life.
630
00:31:20,966 --> 00:31:24,230
Like, unlikeably honest.
631
00:31:24,273 --> 00:31:27,668
Like painful-- Maybe dial back
the honesty just a hair.
632
00:31:29,583 --> 00:31:32,194
But she's also a human being,
which means she's full of shit.
633
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:34,980
Because everybody's
full of shit.
634
00:31:35,023 --> 00:31:36,764
You understand what I mean?
635
00:31:36,807 --> 00:31:38,635
There's difference
between being a liar
and being full of shit.
636
00:31:38,679 --> 00:31:41,029
Like, being a liar means
you are knowingly giving
637
00:31:41,073 --> 00:31:43,336
false answers
to direct questions.
638
00:31:43,379 --> 00:31:45,381
Like,
"Where were you on Tuesday?"
639
00:31:45,425 --> 00:31:48,471
"Who's cock ring is this?"
Like simple direct questions?
640
00:31:50,734 --> 00:31:52,345
Being full of shit
is more nebulous.
641
00:31:52,388 --> 00:31:54,738
Like nobody-- It's like,
plausible deniability to it.
642
00:31:54,782 --> 00:31:57,567
Like, you may not even know
for sure yourself,
643
00:31:57,611 --> 00:31:58,786
if you are full of shit.
644
00:31:58,829 --> 00:32:00,527
I'll give you, like,
a concrete example.
645
00:32:00,570 --> 00:32:03,443
My wife is convinced
that I am bad at driving.
646
00:32:04,444 --> 00:32:06,098
Which I am not. I am fine.
647
00:32:07,447 --> 00:32:09,405
And I realize that
using the word fine implies
648
00:32:09,449 --> 00:32:10,972
that I may in fact
be a bad driver.
649
00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:12,582
But I'm not.
650
00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:14,410
I can drive. I'm fine. I'm fine.
651
00:32:17,892 --> 00:32:18,937
I'm fine!
652
00:32:20,764 --> 00:32:22,244
My wife is convinced otherwise.
653
00:32:22,288 --> 00:32:24,899
Any time I'm behind the wheel,
she wants to let me know
654
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,509
how bad of a driver
she thinks I am.
655
00:32:26,553 --> 00:32:28,076
But she doesn't want to say it.
656
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,165
So what she does is
any time I have
to hit the brakes
657
00:32:30,209 --> 00:32:31,471
just ever so slightly,
658
00:32:31,514 --> 00:32:33,386
you know, maybe a squirrel
runs on the road
659
00:32:33,429 --> 00:32:34,735
or maybe the light
suddenly turns red.
660
00:32:34,778 --> 00:32:36,563
Anytime I tap the brakes,
661
00:32:36,606 --> 00:32:40,175
my wife immediately transforms
into a crash test dummy
662
00:32:41,524 --> 00:32:43,787
from one of those 80s PSAs
which is like...
663
00:32:47,139 --> 00:32:51,534
Ricocheting off the dashboard,
like, slow motion somehow.
664
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:54,624
Professional soccer players
665
00:32:54,668 --> 00:32:59,020
do not flop like my wife flops
when I hit the brakes.
666
00:33:00,152 --> 00:33:02,067
Now, is she lying?
667
00:33:02,110 --> 00:33:04,721
No, but she's full of shit.
she's full of shit.
668
00:33:06,549 --> 00:33:08,029
And one day
I'm going to tell her.
669
00:33:13,295 --> 00:33:17,343
I try not to argue
with my wife, uh,
670
00:33:17,386 --> 00:33:18,779
because she's a bit of a bully.
671
00:33:20,955 --> 00:33:22,304
No, she is. She is.
672
00:33:22,348 --> 00:33:24,524
And I'm not saying
she's like physically violent.
673
00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:26,700
She's a time bully.
674
00:33:26,743 --> 00:33:29,137
Do you understand?
What I'm-- A time bully.
675
00:33:29,181 --> 00:33:30,965
We've been together 17 years.
676
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,706
- and at this point-- Sure.
- [WHOOPING]
677
00:33:35,317 --> 00:33:37,711
Three more to go. No, uh...
678
00:33:38,842 --> 00:33:40,148
We've been together 17 years,
679
00:33:40,192 --> 00:33:41,889
and at this point
in our relationship,
680
00:33:41,932 --> 00:33:45,893
she knows that I am
incapable of arguing
about anything
681
00:33:45,936 --> 00:33:48,243
for as long as she is
capable of arguing about it.
682
00:33:48,287 --> 00:33:49,766
I'm not talking
about right or wrong.
683
00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:51,507
I'm talking strictly endurance.
684
00:33:51,551 --> 00:33:54,206
This woman is
a rhetorical triathlete,
685
00:33:55,207 --> 00:33:56,904
and she lords that over me.
686
00:33:56,947 --> 00:33:58,993
Cause we'll be sitting
on the couch and be like,
687
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:00,647
"Hey, remember, you said
you were gonna walk the dog?"
688
00:34:00,690 --> 00:34:01,735
She's like "No, you were
gonna walk the dog."
689
00:34:01,778 --> 00:34:02,997
"No, remember
we were at dinner
690
00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:04,390
and you said you'd
walk the dogs tonight
691
00:34:04,433 --> 00:34:05,695
and I'd walk 'em in the morning.
692
00:34:05,739 --> 00:34:07,393
And I know I'm right.
I know I'm right.
693
00:34:08,785 --> 00:34:10,831
But then I just see
her face transform
694
00:34:12,137 --> 00:34:15,053
And she's like,
"Oh, you want to do this."
695
00:34:16,837 --> 00:34:18,186
And suddenly {\an8}Eye of The tiger
696
00:34:18,230 --> 00:34:20,493
starts playing
in the background,
697
00:34:20,536 --> 00:34:22,190
and she's like,
"All right, asshole,
698
00:34:22,234 --> 00:34:25,976
"go put on comfortable clothing
because this is our night now.
699
00:34:26,020 --> 00:34:28,849
"This conversation is now our--
I have three hours for this.
700
00:34:28,892 --> 00:34:30,372
"Do you have
three hours for this?"
701
00:34:32,026 --> 00:34:33,897
And 10 minutes later,
I'm walking the dogs.
702
00:34:37,118 --> 00:34:39,120
I know, right? What a cuck.
703
00:34:42,428 --> 00:34:43,603
Or is it simp now?
704
00:34:43,646 --> 00:34:46,258
I'm not up to date
on the nomenclature.
705
00:34:47,433 --> 00:34:50,436
Any Alpha males out there? No.
706
00:34:56,137 --> 00:35:00,620
There's only one type of dude
that genuinely terrifies me,
707
00:35:00,663 --> 00:35:02,752
and they're very easy
to pick out
708
00:35:02,796 --> 00:35:05,755
because they all
have the same body.
709
00:35:05,799 --> 00:35:08,149
They have a body type
that I would call
710
00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:09,672
the pregnant body builder.
711
00:35:11,805 --> 00:35:13,285
I'm talking about a guy
712
00:35:13,328 --> 00:35:16,853
who was completely jacked,
but only from the chest up.
713
00:35:16,897 --> 00:35:19,943
Do you know what I mean?
Like, like bulging pecs,
714
00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:23,991
deltoids, biceps,
nips up ripped, this guy.
715
00:35:24,034 --> 00:35:27,951
But from the nipples down,
he looks like a water balloon
716
00:35:27,995 --> 00:35:32,173
that's about to pop.
Like a bulbous tick, right?
717
00:35:32,217 --> 00:35:34,828
Like, dude, pick a torso
and go with it.
718
00:35:36,308 --> 00:35:38,440
Listen, nothing wrong
with having a fat stomach.
719
00:35:38,484 --> 00:35:41,617
I have a fat stomach,
but it's consistent
with the rest of my body.
720
00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,578
And the fat hangs downward
like fat is supposed to,
721
00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:47,536
like gravity intended, like...
722
00:35:47,580 --> 00:35:49,364
It's like that kind of fat.
723
00:35:49,408 --> 00:35:51,366
The guys I'm talking about
their fat stomachs
724
00:35:51,410 --> 00:35:53,977
are oddly three dimensional.
725
00:35:54,021 --> 00:35:56,023
Like the fat rides really high,
726
00:35:56,066 --> 00:35:58,460
and it, like, bulges out at you.
727
00:35:58,504 --> 00:36:00,419
Like they all look
like that dude
728
00:36:00,462 --> 00:36:03,248
from the movie {\an8}Total Recall,
right before Kuato
crawls his way out.
729
00:36:04,379 --> 00:36:07,295
'Open your mind, Quaid."
730
00:36:07,339 --> 00:36:11,865
If you have that body type,
it tells me
two things about you.
731
00:36:11,908 --> 00:36:14,041
It tells me that you
are aggressive,
732
00:36:14,084 --> 00:36:19,438
but undisciplined and that
is a terrifying combination.
733
00:36:19,481 --> 00:36:22,789
Because if you're
in legitimately great shape,
I'm okay with that.
734
00:36:22,832 --> 00:36:25,400
Like, if you have washboard abs,
you have like Davids like,
735
00:36:25,444 --> 00:36:26,619
I'm not scared of you.
736
00:36:26,662 --> 00:36:28,534
Like, yes,
maybe you're aggressive,
737
00:36:28,577 --> 00:36:31,232
but you clearly have
a lot of self-discipline.
738
00:36:31,276 --> 00:36:33,234
Like, you're not going to
go start a race war.
739
00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:35,062
Tomorrow's probably leg day.
740
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:39,719
But these guys, man,
741
00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:42,809
what are you spending
all this time
lifting weights for
742
00:36:42,852 --> 00:36:45,507
if not to make your body
look attractive?
743
00:36:45,551 --> 00:36:47,248
Because that's not attractive.
744
00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:49,119
It looks like
- you took He-
- Man arms
745
00:36:49,163 --> 00:36:50,469
and stuck 'em on
a Mr. Potato Head.
746
00:36:52,993 --> 00:36:55,038
If you have that body
747
00:36:55,082 --> 00:36:57,215
it tells me the only reason
the you lift weights
748
00:36:57,258 --> 00:36:59,652
is to work through
unprocessed rage.
749
00:37:01,306 --> 00:37:03,525
Like every time
I see one of those guys,
750
00:37:03,569 --> 00:37:05,397
I just picture him
on the bench press
751
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:09,052
just pushing up the bar
like, "Ugh, immigrants!"
752
00:37:15,537 --> 00:37:17,974
I am neither aggressive
nor disciplined,
753
00:37:18,018 --> 00:37:20,063
so you have
nothing to worry about.
754
00:37:20,107 --> 00:37:22,196
I'm not saying
I'm incapable of evil.
755
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:25,982
Sure, I have twisted thoughts,
but I have neither the energy
756
00:37:26,026 --> 00:37:28,420
nor the organizational skills
to do anything about it.
757
00:37:29,334 --> 00:37:31,466
So I'm low risk.
758
00:37:31,510 --> 00:37:33,468
Last week I was
listening to a podcast
759
00:37:33,512 --> 00:37:35,862
about Jeffrey Dahmer
and how he committed his crimes.
760
00:37:35,905 --> 00:37:41,128
And after an hour,
my main takeaway was,
"Seems like a lot of work."
761
00:37:44,131 --> 00:37:46,873
I can see the upside
of being a serial killer.
762
00:37:46,916 --> 00:37:48,875
I mean, you are your own boss,
which is nice,
763
00:37:50,616 --> 00:37:52,748
but who has that kind of time?
764
00:37:52,792 --> 00:37:56,926
I mean between the seducing
and luring and the murdering
and the dismembering...
765
00:37:56,970 --> 00:37:59,581
How am I going to dismember
a bunch of teenage boys
766
00:37:59,625 --> 00:38:02,367
and still binge watch
all 11 seasons of {\an8}Frasier?
767
00:38:04,456 --> 00:38:05,935
Doesn't agree with my lifestyle.
768
00:38:07,197 --> 00:38:08,721
And, God forbid, I got arrested.
769
00:38:08,764 --> 00:38:10,766
I wouldn't be able
to cooperate with the FBI
770
00:38:10,810 --> 00:38:14,161
because there is zero chance
I will remember where
those bodies were buried.
771
00:38:14,204 --> 00:38:19,688
None. None. I lose my keys
twice a week, on average.
772
00:38:19,732 --> 00:38:21,647
I have to look at
my bank account number
773
00:38:21,690 --> 00:38:24,345
every single time
I deposit a cheque.
774
00:38:24,389 --> 00:38:27,435
Same bank account, 20 years,
look it up every time.
775
00:38:27,479 --> 00:38:28,610
You think I can remember
776
00:38:28,654 --> 00:38:30,569
where I buried
some random kid's femur?
777
00:38:32,571 --> 00:38:34,703
Like, I can picture myself
leading the FBI
778
00:38:34,747 --> 00:38:36,226
through the woods for,
like, three hours
779
00:38:36,270 --> 00:38:37,358
and finally being like,
780
00:38:38,577 --> 00:38:40,274
"Well, guys,
I feel like a real jerk.
781
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:46,367
"Ah, I'm gonna go ahead
and take the L on this one.
782
00:38:46,411 --> 00:38:49,327
"I know for a serial killer,
I'm not exactly killing it,
am I?
783
00:38:50,110 --> 00:38:51,720
"I mean, I wrote it down.
784
00:38:51,764 --> 00:38:54,201
"Go out to the woods
behind the abandoned
amusement park.
785
00:38:54,244 --> 00:38:56,899
"Keep walking until you see
the tree that looks like mother.
786
00:38:56,943 --> 00:38:58,161
"It should be here."
787
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:09,999
I'm sort of, like,
typical New York City
liberal, I guess.
788
00:39:10,043 --> 00:39:12,654
Which is always awkward
because people think
789
00:39:12,698 --> 00:39:17,267
that means I hate the flag
because they're right.
790
00:39:17,311 --> 00:39:20,619
No, I'm not talking about, like,
what the flag represents,
791
00:39:20,662 --> 00:39:22,751
of which I agree
with 65%.
792
00:39:24,318 --> 00:39:27,582
I'm talking aesthetically.
I don't know if you know this,
793
00:39:27,626 --> 00:39:29,715
if you put on American Flag
polo shirt,
794
00:39:29,758 --> 00:39:31,499
a pair of Oakley
wraparound shades
795
00:39:31,543 --> 00:39:33,109
magically appears on your face.
796
00:39:34,328 --> 00:39:35,808
A goatee sprouts out,
797
00:39:35,851 --> 00:39:37,070
before you know it,
you're in your car,
798
00:39:37,113 --> 00:39:39,072
shooting an iPhone video...
799
00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:43,511
Red, white and blue,
that's great, that's nice.
800
00:39:43,555 --> 00:39:45,034
Bold, but nice.
801
00:39:45,078 --> 00:39:49,604
But then you put Stars
and Stripes on the same flag...
802
00:39:49,648 --> 00:39:53,347
Did Betsy Ross not have
even one gay friend at all
803
00:39:53,391 --> 00:39:56,132
to just step in, like, "Betsy,
804
00:39:56,176 --> 00:39:57,699
"love we're doing
for the revolution
805
00:39:57,743 --> 00:40:00,441
"but this flag, it's busy.
806
00:40:02,487 --> 00:40:04,140
"Take one thing off."
807
00:40:07,100 --> 00:40:09,145
Even people who are
politically engaged,
808
00:40:09,189 --> 00:40:11,670
they may not want to hear
that at a comedy show.
809
00:40:11,713 --> 00:40:14,803
It's like some, you know,
can you just make a joke
about spoons, please?
810
00:40:14,847 --> 00:40:16,675
Can we just talk
about Burger King?
811
00:40:16,718 --> 00:40:20,069
Do we have to
talk about systemic racism
812
00:40:20,113 --> 00:40:22,550
or, you know, or the march
toward fascism or whatever?
813
00:40:22,594 --> 00:40:24,291
Can we just
kind of keep it light?
814
00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:28,295
And I understand that,
and I try to temper that some.
815
00:40:28,338 --> 00:40:30,471
But there's certain things,
816
00:40:30,515 --> 00:40:36,477
I don't want to look back
on this period and not feel like
I addressed it at all.
817
00:40:36,521 --> 00:40:39,959
I want to feel like
I had something to say
about what we're going through.
818
00:40:41,700 --> 00:40:44,093
I've never been
able to relate to people
819
00:40:44,137 --> 00:40:47,532
who supported President Trump
until Covid.
820
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:49,882
Now I get it.
821
00:40:49,925 --> 00:40:52,972
Cause I think we all see
how poorly it's going, right?
822
00:40:53,015 --> 00:40:54,190
Even the supporters,
823
00:40:54,234 --> 00:40:56,366
they can see how badly
he's doing, right?
824
00:40:56,410 --> 00:40:59,065
And so I relate to that
because I know what it's like
825
00:40:59,108 --> 00:41:00,980
to know that I am wrong
in an argument,
826
00:41:01,023 --> 00:41:03,373
but have no choice
but to fucking power through it.
827
00:41:05,506 --> 00:41:07,987
People are always like,
why are they
still supporting him?
828
00:41:08,030 --> 00:41:10,555
They're not supporting him.
They're supporting themselves.
829
00:41:10,598 --> 00:41:13,558
You've been putting Maga
on your Facebook wall
for the past four years.
830
00:41:13,601 --> 00:41:15,255
You can't be like,
"Oh, turns out I was wrong.
831
00:41:15,298 --> 00:41:16,778
Hey, what's for dinner?"
Like you can't.
832
00:41:16,822 --> 00:41:19,259
There's no back.
There's only forward.
833
00:41:19,302 --> 00:41:20,913
Have you ever played
the game hearts?
834
00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:23,263
At a certain point, you gotta
shoot the moon, right?
835
00:41:23,306 --> 00:41:24,873
You're not gonna
get rid of all these hearts.
836
00:41:24,917 --> 00:41:27,441
You just got to push forward
and hope it magically works out.
837
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,095
Listen, we all know
what that's like.
838
00:41:29,138 --> 00:41:31,053
You know, when you get
your credit card statement
839
00:41:31,097 --> 00:41:33,708
and you see the amount
and you're like,
"This can't be right.
840
00:41:35,754 --> 00:41:37,756
"There is no way
that I spent all this money.
841
00:41:37,799 --> 00:41:39,758
"Someone has made a mistake."
842
00:41:39,801 --> 00:41:41,324
So, like, whenever that happens,
843
00:41:41,368 --> 00:41:43,109
I'll call Bank of America
all indignant,
844
00:41:43,152 --> 00:41:46,199
"Uh, there's been
some fraudulent activity
on my account,
845
00:41:46,242 --> 00:41:47,896
"and I demand restitution."
846
00:41:47,940 --> 00:41:49,550
And then they painstakingly
847
00:41:49,594 --> 00:41:51,683
go through my statement
item by item
848
00:41:51,726 --> 00:41:54,424
about halfway through I'm like,
"Oh, yeah, that's all me.
849
00:41:54,468 --> 00:41:56,818
"That is 100% this guy."
850
00:41:56,862 --> 00:41:59,560
Uh, but my ego's online
at that point,
851
00:41:59,604 --> 00:42:01,083
so I can't admit that I'm wrong.
852
00:42:01,127 --> 00:42:02,737
I've to be like,
"I'm going to have
853
00:42:02,781 --> 00:42:04,522
"to consult a lawyer,
and then we'll..."
854
00:42:04,565 --> 00:42:06,393
And if you are annoying
for long enough,
855
00:42:06,436 --> 00:42:09,091
sometimes they were refund you
for shit you actually bought.
856
00:42:10,310 --> 00:42:12,007
That's what Trump supporters
are doing.
857
00:42:12,051 --> 00:42:13,139
Like, it may work, man.
858
00:42:13,182 --> 00:42:15,489
We're taping this
in early September.
859
00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:18,013
When people are watching this,
the election will have happened.
860
00:42:18,057 --> 00:42:19,406
So you are
in the future right now.
861
00:42:19,449 --> 00:42:21,408
Just-- by the way,
if you are in the future,
862
00:42:21,451 --> 00:42:22,757
how is the Great Awakening?
863
00:42:25,455 --> 00:42:27,066
Has Q revealed himself?
864
00:42:28,241 --> 00:42:29,547
Is he a dreamboat?
865
00:42:31,157 --> 00:42:33,159
Have I been sent
to a labor camp?
866
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:39,774
That's the problem with QAnon
867
00:42:39,818 --> 00:42:42,603
is they have really
taken the glamour
out of joining a cult,
868
00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:45,171
and you know what I mean?
869
00:42:45,214 --> 00:42:46,738
Like, I thought a cult
was supposed be
870
00:42:46,781 --> 00:42:48,653
everybody wears like,
colored pajamas,
871
00:42:48,696 --> 00:42:52,308
and they were finger cymbals
on the way to the orgy.
872
00:42:52,352 --> 00:42:54,833
So I can be in a cult and just
stay on Facebook all day?
873
00:42:57,662 --> 00:43:00,055
Does not make for
a good documentary series.
874
00:43:01,143 --> 00:43:02,797
I'm obsessed
with cult documentaries.
875
00:43:02,841 --> 00:43:04,886
Have you ever watched
a cult documentary?
876
00:43:04,930 --> 00:43:07,933
You have to admit
those people are happier
than we are.
877
00:43:10,849 --> 00:43:13,025
As long as you don't watch
the last half an hour.
878
00:43:13,068 --> 00:43:15,244
Like, you have to
turn it off turn.
879
00:43:15,288 --> 00:43:16,724
That's my 2021 goal.
880
00:43:16,768 --> 00:43:19,509
I want to be first hour
of a cult documentary happy.
881
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:26,255
I just worry that maybe
I'm not cult material, you know?
882
00:43:26,299 --> 00:43:27,866
Like I'm not a big hugger.
883
00:43:27,909 --> 00:43:29,607
Feels like a very
hug-centric culture.
884
00:43:29,650 --> 00:43:31,478
Very touchy feely.
885
00:43:31,521 --> 00:43:35,656
I'm not a fan of nudity,
generally, speaking,
like non sexual nudity.
886
00:43:35,700 --> 00:43:37,963
I don't know if that's
cause I was raised Catholic.
887
00:43:38,006 --> 00:43:41,009
But to me, if there are
two naked people
in a room together,
888
00:43:41,053 --> 00:43:43,708
there should be sex happening
or else what are we doing?
889
00:43:43,751 --> 00:43:48,974
You know, like, for some reason,
a naked man with an erection
890
00:43:49,017 --> 00:43:52,368
is less creepy than a naked man
without an erection.
891
00:43:55,241 --> 00:43:58,679
Like, if I'm in my apartment
and you just, like, burst in
naked with a boner,
892
00:43:58,723 --> 00:44:01,682
like at least I understand
what the proposition is.
893
00:44:03,118 --> 00:44:06,165
I understand
the terms being offered.
894
00:44:06,208 --> 00:44:09,037
Whereas if you just
kind of stroll in
with a little mushroom cap,
895
00:44:09,081 --> 00:44:10,778
like, "Hey, pal,
how was your weekend?"
896
00:44:10,822 --> 00:44:11,866
Like, "Ugh!"
897
00:44:14,086 --> 00:44:15,087
No mas.
898
00:44:19,918 --> 00:44:21,310
Maybe I'll join the occult.
899
00:44:21,354 --> 00:44:23,573
Do you know the difference?
There's, there's cults
900
00:44:23,617 --> 00:44:26,446
and then there's the occult,
which is like a cult
for Irish people.
901
00:44:28,883 --> 00:44:31,756
That is the shittiest
joke I've ever written.
902
00:44:31,799 --> 00:44:35,020
And it got exactly
what it deserved.
903
00:44:35,063 --> 00:44:37,152
Two people laughed
and one person went...
904
00:44:39,764 --> 00:44:42,331
The occult is like, you know,
the dark arts like Satanism.
905
00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:44,725
Satanists? Satanists here?
906
00:44:44,769 --> 00:44:46,292
That seems like
a lot of work too.
907
00:44:46,335 --> 00:44:48,686
I mean you gotta grow a ponytail
908
00:44:48,729 --> 00:44:52,733
and wear fake
John Lennon glasses
909
00:44:52,777 --> 00:44:55,867
and were a black dress shirt
with a red tie.
910
00:44:55,910 --> 00:44:59,305
Like every Satanist
looks like a roadie
for the White Stripes.
911
00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:04,484
You gotta learn
how to say pretentious,
satanous stuff like,
912
00:45:04,527 --> 00:45:07,008
"You know, the name
Lucifer actually means
light bringer."
913
00:45:08,836 --> 00:45:11,709
Which was something
that was literally said to me
at a party
914
00:45:11,752 --> 00:45:15,756
that I immediately left
because that's not
a very good party.
915
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:18,411
You got to learn the names to,
Of course, there's like,
916
00:45:18,454 --> 00:45:21,675
Satan and Lucifer,
- which is like the Coca-
- Cola and Pepsi of devil names
917
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:23,285
like, everyone knows those.
918
00:45:23,329 --> 00:45:25,810
But then there's the other ones.
There's like, Mephistopheles
919
00:45:25,853 --> 00:45:28,638
which sounds like the name of,
like, a kid you'd hear
getting yelled
920
00:45:28,682 --> 00:45:31,076
at Whole Foods, you know?
921
00:45:31,119 --> 00:45:32,425
No running Mephistopheles.
922
00:45:34,035 --> 00:45:36,559
Come now, Mephistopheles,
need to get your cello lesson.
923
00:45:37,517 --> 00:45:39,040
No gluten for Mephistopheles.
924
00:45:41,390 --> 00:45:43,175
Beelzebub, that's the one
I like.
925
00:45:43,218 --> 00:45:45,699
I could hang with the Beelzebub,
right, I mean like,
926
00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:47,222
it's just cooler, like,
927
00:45:47,266 --> 00:45:50,530
Beelzebub seems like like the
George W. Bush of devils.
928
00:45:51,792 --> 00:45:53,663
It's like, okay, clearly,
you are evil.
929
00:45:53,707 --> 00:45:54,839
But come here, you.
930
00:45:54,882 --> 00:45:55,970
[GROANING]
931
00:45:57,406 --> 00:45:59,017
You are a demon
I grab a beer with.
932
00:46:02,977 --> 00:46:05,588
I just find it weird that Satan
doesn't get his own holiday.
933
00:46:07,025 --> 00:46:09,027
Such an important
cultural figure.
934
00:46:09,070 --> 00:46:10,637
Like the Easter Bunny gets one,
935
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:13,553
but nothing for the
Prince of Darkness.
936
00:46:13,596 --> 00:46:16,251
I mean, yeah, you can say
Halloween, but he has to
share it with, like,
937
00:46:16,295 --> 00:46:18,123
- Spider-
- Man and slutty nurses.
938
00:46:20,690 --> 00:46:23,650
There's a kid who used to trick
or treat in my apartment
every year.
939
00:46:23,693 --> 00:46:26,131
He was so adorable
he would show up
at my front door,
940
00:46:26,174 --> 00:46:29,177
and, uh, this last year he was
like, he's like nine-years-old
941
00:46:29,221 --> 00:46:31,527
and he went as Dracula
and he really went for it,
942
00:46:31,571 --> 00:46:34,661
like he had the Cape and
the fangs and the blood and
he showed up
943
00:46:34,704 --> 00:46:36,794
and he was like,
"Bleh, I'm Dracula, bleh"
944
00:46:36,837 --> 00:46:40,058
and I didn't wanna ruin it
by laughing at his face
so, I played along
945
00:46:40,101 --> 00:46:42,887
and I just grabbed a
pencil and just stabbed him
in the chest.
946
00:46:42,930 --> 00:46:44,889
Just plunging,
947
00:46:44,932 --> 00:46:46,804
I said, "Back to Hell
demon spawn."
948
00:46:49,807 --> 00:46:50,808
That did not happen.
949
00:46:53,549 --> 00:46:55,334
In the trade we call
that a "make 'em up."
950
00:46:56,901 --> 00:46:58,598
No one calls them that, no.
951
00:47:02,994 --> 00:47:05,257
I like the dress up
part of Halloween.
952
00:47:05,300 --> 00:47:06,824
I just, the scary part,
I don't...
953
00:47:07,563 --> 00:47:09,565
When you're 47, man,
954
00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:12,438
you're not put off by
ghosts anymore, because,
955
00:47:12,481 --> 00:47:13,743
you're already haunted.
956
00:47:15,354 --> 00:47:18,574
By younger, cooler
versions of yourself.
957
00:47:18,618 --> 00:47:21,969
Like, not a night goes by
where I'm not staring
at the ceiling and then,
958
00:47:22,013 --> 00:47:24,667
27 year old me floats
in the window like,
959
00:47:24,711 --> 00:47:27,148
[HOWLING]
960
00:47:27,192 --> 00:47:29,281
"What the hell happened to you?
961
00:47:31,326 --> 00:47:33,154
"You used to be cool.
962
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:37,550
"You don't even have a podcast."
963
00:47:39,378 --> 00:47:41,423
Seems oddly specific, ghost me.
964
00:47:44,949 --> 00:47:47,299
I've never fetishized
being scared.
965
00:47:47,342 --> 00:47:49,344
Like, my wife is obsessed
with horror movies.
966
00:47:49,388 --> 00:47:51,259
I have never been sitting
in the theater and thought,
967
00:47:51,303 --> 00:47:53,392
you know what makes
this experience really fun?
968
00:47:53,435 --> 00:47:56,134
If for just a minute,
I thought I was gonna die.
969
00:47:56,177 --> 00:47:57,918
If my heart
could just see the...
970
00:47:57,962 --> 00:47:59,789
[GAGGING]
971
00:47:59,833 --> 00:48:04,055
Really... That would really
enhance the moment.
972
00:48:04,098 --> 00:48:07,014
I went to a haunted house
a few years ago, like,
not one of those
973
00:48:07,058 --> 00:48:09,234
Times Square,
$85 haunted houses,
974
00:48:09,277 --> 00:48:11,323
like, one of those
rural haunted houses
where they just
975
00:48:11,366 --> 00:48:13,064
just rent out
a construction site
976
00:48:13,107 --> 00:48:15,414
and they hire local meth heads,
jump out at you.
977
00:48:16,676 --> 00:48:18,460
And as with a couple of
friends of mine,
978
00:48:18,504 --> 00:48:21,986
and we came around a corner,
and this kid jumped out
979
00:48:22,029 --> 00:48:24,814
with, like a machete in
a bloody wife-beater,
980
00:48:24,858 --> 00:48:30,037
and I reacted
like a human being reacts.
981
00:48:30,081 --> 00:48:33,258
And everybody started laughing.
982
00:48:33,301 --> 00:48:38,437
Okay, so, a man with a
bloody machete jumps out and my
central nervous system performs
983
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,265
exactly as designed.
984
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,355
And I'm the asshole here.
985
00:48:46,140 --> 00:48:47,446
Haunted houses...
986
00:48:47,489 --> 00:48:49,448
They're still the same,
which is weird, like,
987
00:48:49,491 --> 00:48:51,232
they've been the same
since I was a kid, like,
988
00:48:51,276 --> 00:48:53,756
like I'm Freddy Krueger,
and I'm an axe murderer.
989
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:56,716
We need like, to update
the haunted house model.
990
00:48:56,759 --> 00:48:58,500
You know, like, imagine
a haunted house
991
00:48:58,544 --> 00:49:00,807
where you walk into one room,
and all of a sudden
992
00:49:00,850 --> 00:49:02,548
your phone is at 3% charge.
993
00:49:05,116 --> 00:49:06,465
I just plugged this in.
994
00:49:07,683 --> 00:49:08,902
Spooky.
995
00:49:10,382 --> 00:49:12,514
Then you walk into a room
and every person
996
00:49:12,558 --> 00:49:15,953
you've ever insulted online
is waiting to speak with you.
997
00:49:17,389 --> 00:49:19,869
You know, like,
an ex-girlfriend,
your old boss,
998
00:49:20,392 --> 00:49:21,480
Ed Sheeran.
999
00:49:21,523 --> 00:49:27,007
Just random people
with bones to pick.
1000
00:49:27,051 --> 00:49:30,271
You walk into another room,
and it's just your dad
looking at pornography.
1001
00:49:32,186 --> 00:49:34,667
You walk in and he's like,
"Shut the door."
1002
00:49:34,710 --> 00:49:38,453
"Oh, Father,
I had no idea you were
such a fan of the Far East."
1003
00:49:38,497 --> 00:49:40,020
You know, like, uh...
1004
00:49:41,630 --> 00:49:43,023
Very ribald.
1005
00:49:45,069 --> 00:49:47,158
Christmas is where it's at.
1006
00:49:47,201 --> 00:49:51,031
It's a lot of pressure, though.
Christmas is a lot of pressure.
1007
00:49:51,075 --> 00:49:53,991
My wife every year,
- like around mid-
- December,
1008
00:49:54,034 --> 00:49:55,993
she starts getting
extremely excited.
1009
00:49:56,036 --> 00:49:59,735
To tell me about the presents
that she has bought me.
1010
00:49:59,779 --> 00:50:02,782
And what she imagines
my reaction to them will be.
1011
00:50:02,825 --> 00:50:05,045
Like, "Oh, you're gonna love
what I bought you.
1012
00:50:05,089 --> 00:50:08,092
I can't wait till you open,
you're gonna love it so much."
And I just...
1013
00:50:08,135 --> 00:50:10,877
I start to get, like, panicked
about it, you know what I mean?
1014
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:14,054
And I've done it to myself
because I'm really good
at faking stuff.
1015
00:50:14,098 --> 00:50:15,882
I fake it, man.
1016
00:50:15,925 --> 00:50:19,799
Christmas gift reactions
are to husbands what orgasms
are to wives.
1017
00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:23,281
Like, sometimes it's real.
1018
00:50:24,978 --> 00:50:27,067
Sometimes you knock our
socks off.
1019
00:50:27,111 --> 00:50:28,286
But even when you don't,
1020
00:50:28,329 --> 00:50:29,939
I appreciate the effort.
1021
00:50:29,983 --> 00:50:31,158
Let's not make this weird.
1022
00:50:33,595 --> 00:50:35,467
Sometimes you gotta pull the
old Meg Ryan.
1023
00:50:37,164 --> 00:50:38,687
But, thanks for the snorkel, umm...
1024
00:50:43,388 --> 00:50:45,868
I never know if I'm done
buying Christmas presents
1025
00:50:45,912 --> 00:50:47,740
because my wife is so excited
about what she's got me.
1026
00:50:47,783 --> 00:50:49,742
I'm always like, I guess I gotta
go for buying more stuff.
1027
00:50:49,785 --> 00:50:52,266
I had a buying, like 50 gifts
like, I have
1028
00:50:52,310 --> 00:50:54,616
all feature acts, no headliner,
like, I have no...
1029
00:50:56,444 --> 00:50:59,491
I get so jealous when I see
those car commercials where
like a guy
1030
00:50:59,534 --> 00:51:02,755
leads his wife out and
opens her eyes and there's like,
a Lexus in the driveway.
1031
00:51:02,798 --> 00:51:04,931
Because he's done. He's done.
1032
00:51:04,974 --> 00:51:07,151
That's it. No stocking stuffers
for that guy.
1033
00:51:09,762 --> 00:51:12,678
I cannot afford
to buy my wife a Lexus, uh...
1034
00:51:12,721 --> 00:51:14,854
I'm not entirely sure
I can afford to buy her
1035
00:51:14,897 --> 00:51:17,335
the giant bow they put
on top of it.
1036
00:51:17,378 --> 00:51:21,034
Like, does it have to be
real velvet or can we go
synthetic on this?
1037
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:22,862
Maybe that's what I'll do
next year
1038
00:51:22,905 --> 00:51:25,734
is I'll just leave my
wife outside like, don't look,
don't look.
1039
00:51:25,778 --> 00:51:28,128
And open her eyes, there's just
be a giant bow
1040
00:51:28,172 --> 00:51:30,304
on our 2009 Honda Fit.
1041
00:51:33,786 --> 00:51:35,701
Maybe one of the best things
1042
00:51:35,744 --> 00:51:38,660
that I have experienced,
since this started was,
1043
00:51:38,704 --> 00:51:42,099
{\an8}when we started doing
outdoor shows in the backyard,
1044
00:51:42,142 --> 00:51:44,623
{\an8}the look of just sheer
1045
00:51:44,666 --> 00:51:49,280
joy on the face of some
of my fellow comedians.
1046
00:51:49,323 --> 00:51:54,633
There are some comedians
who just need to do stand up.
1047
00:51:54,676 --> 00:51:55,895
They need to do it.
1048
00:51:55,938 --> 00:51:57,766
They need to do it...
1049
00:51:57,810 --> 00:52:00,726
Almost more than
the audience needs them
to do it.
1050
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:04,251
You guys
have been so wonderful.
1051
00:52:04,295 --> 00:52:07,994
I feel like
I wanna end the show
on a, on a positive note.
1052
00:52:08,037 --> 00:52:09,430
Um, a happy story.
1053
00:52:09,474 --> 00:52:11,519
A happy Christmas story,
why not, right?
1054
00:52:11,563 --> 00:52:13,173
Why not?
1055
00:52:13,217 --> 00:52:15,480
This was something that happened
to me when I was seven years old
1056
00:52:15,523 --> 00:52:18,178
and my older brother John
was nine, and um,
1057
00:52:18,222 --> 00:52:20,876
we came home on
Christmas Eve,
we had a half day at school.
1058
00:52:20,920 --> 00:52:22,835
My mother was in a panic.
1059
00:52:22,878 --> 00:52:25,751
She said, we got to get
in the car because right now
we have to go out,
1060
00:52:25,794 --> 00:52:27,318
we have to buy a pinata.
1061
00:52:31,496 --> 00:52:33,237
No, she's right to be
weirded out.
1062
00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:34,847
That's very strange.
1063
00:52:34,890 --> 00:52:36,892
That's a very strange thing to
want to do on Christmas Eve.
1064
00:52:36,936 --> 00:52:40,244
I should say, for the record,
my mother was
severely mentally ill.
1065
00:52:40,287 --> 00:52:42,115
She had borderline
personality disorder,
1066
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:44,291
which you don't know
when you're seven years old.
1067
00:52:44,335 --> 00:52:46,163
You're just like,
"Wow, Mommy is fun."
1068
00:52:47,251 --> 00:52:49,949
Until she's not, uh...
[EXHALES]
1069
00:52:49,992 --> 00:52:51,951
But, you know, at
seven years old, pinata,
1070
00:52:51,994 --> 00:52:53,909
I'm in, right, like,
pinata, pinata, pinata.
1071
00:52:53,953 --> 00:52:56,738
And so we drove around,
and I don't know if any of you
have ever tried to
1072
00:52:56,782 --> 00:53:00,177
purchase a pinata in December
in suburban Massachusetts.
1073
00:53:02,004 --> 00:53:03,832
It's not a real big
Mexi-culture,
1074
00:53:03,876 --> 00:53:07,923
but, uh, we went to Sears,
went to Kmart,
we went to Lechmere.
1075
00:53:07,967 --> 00:53:09,360
And uh, finally,
1076
00:53:09,403 --> 00:53:12,493
we found, like a place
that had one of those, just,
1077
00:53:12,537 --> 00:53:14,669
Cinco de mayo donkeys.
1078
00:53:14,713 --> 00:53:17,542
And my brother John was like,
Mom, that's a donkey and
she's like, it's a reindeer.
1079
00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:19,196
Uh...
1080
00:53:19,239 --> 00:53:21,285
And he was like, but Mom,
it's yellow and purple
and green.
1081
00:53:21,328 --> 00:53:23,112
It's a Mexican reindeer. {\an8}
Feliz Navidad!
1082
00:53:23,156 --> 00:53:24,940
And so,
1083
00:53:24,984 --> 00:53:26,899
we brought home this pinata,
and I was like, ready to go,
I'm like,
1084
00:53:26,942 --> 00:53:28,727
"Pinata, pinata, pinata."
1085
00:53:28,770 --> 00:53:31,077
My mom was like, no, you have
to wait until your father
gets home.
1086
00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:34,123
Which I knew was going to
ruin everything, because,
1087
00:53:34,167 --> 00:53:37,170
my father is a lovely man.
He's mellowed out
a lot over the years.
1088
00:53:37,214 --> 00:53:39,651
But when I was a kid,
my dad would show up every day
1089
00:53:39,694 --> 00:53:42,567
at like 6 o'clock from work
just filled to the brim
1090
00:53:42,610 --> 00:53:45,178
with Irish Catholic
impotent rage.
1091
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:48,573
Does anyone have a dad
who would like swear
through clenched teeth?
1092
00:53:48,616 --> 00:53:49,878
[GRUNTING]
1093
00:53:51,315 --> 00:53:53,752
Until I was 12, I thought
my dad's jaw was wired shut.
1094
00:53:53,795 --> 00:53:56,145
It's like, [GRUNTING]
all the time.
1095
00:53:56,189 --> 00:53:59,540
And so he came home, and we were
like, pinata, pinata and
he's like, no pinata.
1096
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:03,718
We have to go buy
a Christmas tree.
1097
00:54:03,762 --> 00:54:06,504
We had a pinata, we had no
Christmas tree.
1098
00:54:06,547 --> 00:54:09,463
Because we had
a family tradition,
a Finnegan family tradition,
1099
00:54:09,507 --> 00:54:12,597
where you would only
buy a Christmas tree on
Christmas Eve.
1100
00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:15,208
Then I get older and
I discovered that
Christmas trees
1101
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:17,471
go 50% on sale
on Christmas Eve.
1102
00:54:17,515 --> 00:54:21,170
So it's not so much a tradition,
as a cost saving measure.
1103
00:54:21,214 --> 00:54:24,130
Every year, our Christmas tree
was like,
a Charlie Brown special.
1104
00:54:24,173 --> 00:54:29,527
Like some scoliosis
piece of shit that
we would bring home.
1105
00:54:29,570 --> 00:54:34,575
And then we had to spend about
90 minutes while my father tried
to stand, to put up the tree.
1106
00:54:34,619 --> 00:54:36,664
Younger people,
you really lucked out,
1107
00:54:36,708 --> 00:54:39,232
because tree stand technology,
1108
00:54:39,276 --> 00:54:42,453
has really advanced
over the years.
1109
00:54:42,496 --> 00:54:45,934
When I was a kid, you had to
impale the Christmas tree
onto a spike.
1110
00:54:45,978 --> 00:54:48,937
And then you've to like,
ram it onto,
which is weird for Catholics.
1111
00:54:48,981 --> 00:54:51,113
But we rammed,
1112
00:54:51,157 --> 00:54:53,768
we'd ram the tree on a spike
and then drill screws
1113
00:54:53,812 --> 00:54:56,162
in the side of it like,
it was like
Frankenstein's monster, right?
1114
00:54:56,205 --> 00:54:57,990
And then my dad would
eventually give up
1115
00:54:58,033 --> 00:54:59,948
and drill a screw in the wall
and use twines
1116
00:54:59,992 --> 00:55:02,299
so the tree would like
lean forward slightly.
1117
00:55:02,342 --> 00:55:05,519
Like, if you were to hit it,
it would like swing like
a pendulum, you know.
1118
00:55:07,565 --> 00:55:11,220
And then we had to dress
the tree, like, this is where
young people miss out.
1119
00:55:11,264 --> 00:55:14,136
You guys were not around
for the golden age of tinsel.
1120
00:55:15,529 --> 00:55:16,922
Yeah, tinsel.
1121
00:55:16,965 --> 00:55:19,359
The trashiest of all
holiday decorations.
1122
00:55:19,403 --> 00:55:20,621
Little thin strips of me--
1123
00:55:20,665 --> 00:55:22,754
Oh, did I love me some tinsel?
1124
00:55:22,797 --> 00:55:26,366
I would just keep throwing
gobs of tinsel on the tree and
my dad would be like,
1125
00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:28,934
"One string at a time!"
1126
00:55:28,977 --> 00:55:31,284
I would not stop putting tinsel
on the tree
1127
00:55:31,328 --> 00:55:34,374
until it looked like it had been
like gang banged by cyborgs.
1128
00:55:34,418 --> 00:55:36,637
Just, just coated in tinsel.
1129
00:55:37,595 --> 00:55:38,900
Can't stop won't stop.
1130
00:55:40,685 --> 00:55:43,731
So my now it's like, 8:30,
9 o'clock,
1131
00:55:43,775 --> 00:55:45,559
we sat down,
we had our angry dinner
1132
00:55:45,603 --> 00:55:47,909
and...
1133
00:55:47,953 --> 00:55:50,303
You think okay, 10 o'clock
on Christmas Eve.
1134
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:53,611
Probably time for the family
to settle in, and have
a nice Christmas Eve.
1135
00:55:53,654 --> 00:55:57,005
Wrong. Because we were Catholic.
1136
00:55:57,049 --> 00:55:59,704
Do you know that means?
Midnight Mass.
1137
00:55:59,747 --> 00:56:02,924
Yes. If you are Catholic,
you have to go mass
1138
00:56:02,968 --> 00:56:04,796
at midnight on Christmas Eve.
1139
00:56:04,839 --> 00:56:07,494
Because when you are Catholic,
nothing can ever be
purely enjoyable.
1140
00:56:09,453 --> 00:56:12,934
Everything nice must be mixed
with something shitty.
1141
00:56:12,978 --> 00:56:15,284
So that you never forget
that you do not deserve joy
1142
00:56:17,330 --> 00:56:19,419
Also, my uncle was a priest,
1143
00:56:19,463 --> 00:56:22,553
so we had to drive all the way
to downtown Boston
like it was this fucking gig.
1144
00:56:22,596 --> 00:56:24,685
And...
1145
00:56:24,729 --> 00:56:26,426
So we drove in a
downtown Boston.
1146
00:56:26,470 --> 00:56:28,123
My uncle did mass,
1147
00:56:28,167 --> 00:56:30,430
we got home at like,
2:15 in the morning
and my dad's like,
1148
00:56:30,474 --> 00:56:32,693
[GRUNTING]
"Go to bed, Santa is going
to be here."
1149
00:56:32,737 --> 00:56:35,392
And I was like,
pinata, pinata, pinata, pinata.
1150
00:56:36,567 --> 00:56:37,959
[GROANING]
1151
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:41,615
And at this point,
he didn't want to take the time
1152
00:56:41,659 --> 00:56:43,748
to actually hang the
pinata from the ceiling.
1153
00:56:43,791 --> 00:56:46,359
So what he did is
he took his belt off,
1154
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:48,709
and he's strung,
the pinata on his belt.
1155
00:56:48,753 --> 00:56:51,756
And then he and my mother
stood about six feet apart,
1156
00:56:51,799 --> 00:56:55,542
with the pinata dangling
in the middle.
1157
00:56:55,586 --> 00:56:58,327
And then, they put a blindfold
on my brother John.
1158
00:56:59,546 --> 00:57:02,027
And gave him a Wiffle ball bat.
1159
00:57:02,070 --> 00:57:05,552
Some of you have a sense of
where this may be going,
1160
00:57:05,596 --> 00:57:08,294
I should say, for the record,
my brother John,
1161
00:57:08,337 --> 00:57:10,557
he's not an athlete, uh...
1162
00:57:10,601 --> 00:57:13,125
Very active in the
Dungeons and Dragons community.
1163
00:57:14,605 --> 00:57:17,521
More of a sword kid
than a bad kid, but, uh...
1164
00:57:17,564 --> 00:57:20,349
They gav-- he did his best,
they gave him his
wiffle ball bat.
1165
00:57:20,393 --> 00:57:23,483
And he wound up and
he took a big cut,
1166
00:57:23,527 --> 00:57:25,616
and he missed the
pinata entirely,
1167
00:57:25,659 --> 00:57:27,661
and he hit my mother
right in the um...
1168
00:57:28,532 --> 00:57:29,663
The teacher bulge.
1169
00:57:31,752 --> 00:57:32,927
Do yo--
1170
00:57:32,971 --> 00:57:35,016
Do you know what
a teacher bulge is?
1171
00:57:35,060 --> 00:57:36,409
You might know it as a FUPA.
1172
00:57:38,106 --> 00:57:39,368
Fat upper pussy area.
1173
00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:42,328
I have also heard it call
the gunt.
1174
00:57:44,112 --> 00:57:46,027
I'm sorry I did not make
those words up.
1175
00:57:46,071 --> 00:57:48,377
We call a teacher bulge
cause we were innocents, right?
1176
00:57:48,421 --> 00:57:50,554
Cause all the teachers
in our elementary School
1177
00:57:50,597 --> 00:57:53,252
would have their like,
polyester pants up to
their rib cage.
1178
00:57:53,295 --> 00:57:57,125
And then there's that little
brute, like we call
that a teacher bulge.
1179
00:57:57,169 --> 00:57:58,866
By the way,
I'm not body shaming, okay?
1180
00:57:58,910 --> 00:58:01,478
Men's bodies
are just is disgusting.
1181
00:58:01,521 --> 00:58:03,262
They're just different. Okay?
1182
00:58:03,305 --> 00:58:05,569
Women have teacher bulges,
men have front butts.
1183
00:58:05,612 --> 00:58:07,396
But, uh...
1184
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:11,313
So, my brother nailed my mother
right in the FUPA
1185
00:58:11,357 --> 00:58:13,838
and she buckled over and
started screaming,
1186
00:58:13,881 --> 00:58:17,102
"My ovaries! My ovaries!"
1187
00:58:17,145 --> 00:58:20,279
My dad is like,
"Fucking, fuck, fuck!"
1188
00:58:20,322 --> 00:58:22,499
And then my brother started
going to town
1189
00:58:22,542 --> 00:58:26,241
on the pinata,
which was now lying
on the ground.
1190
00:58:26,285 --> 00:58:31,551
So my most cherished
holiday memory is of my mother
in the fetal position,
1191
00:58:31,595 --> 00:58:34,859
with my dad's swearing at her
through clenched teeth,
1192
00:58:34,902 --> 00:58:39,254
while my brother beat the crap
out of a paper mache donkey,
1193
00:58:39,298 --> 00:58:41,822
that then split open,
and there was nothing inside,
1194
00:58:41,866 --> 00:58:43,345
my mom didn't put candy in it.
1195
00:58:44,956 --> 00:58:50,265
{\an8}♪ O Holy Night!
The stars are
Brightly shining ♪
1196
00:58:52,616 --> 00:58:58,230
I don't know what my future
in stand up is, if I'm being
perfectly frank.
1197
00:58:58,273 --> 00:59:00,928
But I don't want to go out
with a whimper.
1198
00:59:00,972 --> 00:59:04,236
I mean, you could argue
that this is going out
the whimper, but,
1199
00:59:04,279 --> 00:59:07,239
it's gonna be
an audible whimper.
1200
00:59:07,282 --> 00:59:10,634
Guys, you have made this
my very favorite night of 2020.
1201
00:59:10,677 --> 00:59:12,679
I wanna thank you guys
for coming tonight.
1202
00:59:13,506 --> 00:59:15,334
Viva Q.E.D. Onward.
1203
00:59:15,987 --> 00:59:17,597
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
1204
00:59:19,207 --> 00:59:20,774
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1205
00:59:29,522 --> 00:59:33,308
{\an8}♪ Paint me
1206
00:59:33,918 --> 00:59:37,312
{\an8}♪ Purple
1207
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:41,752
{\an8}♪ Tear my
1208
00:59:42,709 --> 00:59:45,930
{\an8}♪ Heart out
1209
00:59:47,105 --> 00:59:50,804
{\an8}♪ Everything is
1210
00:59:50,848 --> 00:59:55,635
{\an8}♪ As it should be
1211
00:59:55,679 --> 00:59:59,987
{\an8}♪ Everything is
1212
01:00:00,031 --> 01:00:04,818
{\an8}♪ As it should be